Roderick on the Line

Ep. 231: “First Banana”

 

  hello hi John

  hi Merlin how's it going so good

  yeah so good so good are you at home

  base

  no well what you mean by home base what

  do you mean by home base

  well two ways to think about a home base

  well I don't like that I'd like to talk

  about being out of the house and I'm out

  of the house so I can understand if you

  want to make something up two kinds of

  people in this world managed to do that

  no in fact i am back in my office how

  you got the internet i got the internet

  in the office that's such a good you

  know if you're going to do work on the

  internet it's nice to have the internet

  it really is on the person that came and

  finally fixed my problem for me said

  that my cfi t authenticators had been

  mislabeled as a RFQ I defibrillators how

  you know that's one of the things like

  corrupted fun it's the last place you

  look

  that's right that's right response John

  he checked my fonts he reversed image

  search a lot of the the key key cues we

  probably had to reverse the polarity at

  least a couple of time are you getting

  any kind of depletion in your deuterium

  my deuterium was let me slay me just say

  it was for many rage it was there was a

  team of SAS commandos down the

  parachuted in to destroy my deuterium

  factory and they almost succeeded huh

  but then the then the bombs didn't work

  the the back door was had an extra

  padlock on it right now look at me very

  carefully your back door

  I tell a lot of people make intrusions

  also check your six if you know saying i

  do exactly i was about internet here for

  months and I asked them to refund my

  money

  Oh

  like to meet the demand satisfaction was

  the arkyd polarity problem something

  that they recognize their issue

  yes interesting so who's the crazy one

  now that's right who's the crazy one now

  that's right it was some kind of thing

  where they were they were sky think they

  were probably cleaning house let's say

  and they renamed things they went down

  in things that things that had no name

  the girl who had no name em the man

  without a face

  ok the eyes without a face our family

  friend it but all kinda horny I want

  talk into the wine

  nobody said somebody higher up said we

  need to clean up all this this you know

  this too if they hit a jumper ol who

  didn't roll em and they went in and I

  don't know they didn't they didn't

  recognize what it was they named it

  something that it wasn't and then they

  couldn't find it and this is this is not

  understand what you're saying this is

  this is a kind of error that that people

  make that I have made a lot where you

  think oh you know I just need to reset

  everything right you have to do this one

  thing and you don't realize you have

  really thought it through

  you know an example might be okay like i

  like i need to really redo the whole

  area near a TV because it's turned into

  a rat King just unplugging everything

  and then go like I don't know what goes

  with what now where to go where

  how was there one water left over Oh

  horrible feeling i saw an example

  somebody somebody post example i guess

  that the people who do trivial pursuit

  decided that they needed to clarify that

  km means kilometer and so they did this

  is this is the greatest cutting to mix

  keep John circus up and then they

  apparently they appear to have gone in

  and done a universal search and replace

  for the string km and so now Hugh

  Jackman his in Trivial Pursuit as huge a

  kilometer la we

  I love that's kind of a visual junkie to

  type it's really appreciate it yeah out

  here in the Washington km it we all

  recognize it as a as the kenworth brand

  really anyone kmfdm is turning against

  war

  kmfdm i think was the art of noise oh

  dude don't don't know is that who did

  the dog song that beyond dreams that

  trio that they get da triage triage

  gonna get your father Mulcahy past i did

  thats that made me sad i did it did and

  it did I did I did 2016 just keeps taken

  from us John yea even still it's still

  feel man feeling better so yeah I'm not

  really concerned about him really just

  for a long time there in the mid-2000s

  mean it's not that I won't talk about

  Charles Manson I just don't care whether

  he lives or dies

  ok is it the distinction I for a long

  time in the mid-2000s i don't know if

  you remember but radar o'reilly remember

  the little hat radio radar o'reilly war

  you're the one who taught me that that

  is not a free-standing hat right that's

  that has an accessory to a helmet it's

  yeah helmet liner I didn't know that for

  cold weather but you put that in like

  you did attend helmet liner right tank

  helmet right and radar radar had it and

  then I don't I maybe this wasn't true

  where you lived because you live down in

  different climbs but in the in the in

  Alaska that was a hat that you wore if

  basically if your dad worked in a tank

  you know like that wasn't a hat that was

  a half that communicated a certain kind

  of like well communicate exactly the

  thing that radar radar O'Reilly was no

  no no one else on the cast of mash ever

  wore that particular hat the radar what

  I what I would like to sit describes the

  radar o'reilly hat and so you would see

  them in Alaska on people but it always

  was sort of always said the same thing

  you know like I work in a tank

  interesting if you were to wear that and

  not be attacked is that counts Stolen

  Valor a little bit if you don't I mean

  not the radar

  wear it because radar Peter lead he

  served and also probably like some tank

  guy threw it to him and said like like

  Mean Joe Greene throwing him is his

  jersey

  it's probably a two part 91 series where

  he cries a lot about how I got that hat

  well I bet you're right something that

  big lights and I'm written by alan all

  the draft by Allah so it to thousands

  when all of a sudden that became the

  fashionable hat i've talked about this

  before it made me very upset i did not

  like that had on people didn't like to

  get on indie rockers and there was a

  particular kind of indie rocker that

  wore it that was like decidedly not

  someone who had worked in a tank huh

  but someone who was maybe still wearing

  like not still but like was wearing

  bell-bottoms but not hippy bell-bottom

  seeing it i don't know why i can't tell

  you why but I see it as in everything

  but the girl guy had ok you know running

  but the girl guy i dunno this isn't real

  second skinny remember do you have some

  weird disease i think he would wear a

  hat like that i could be misremembering

  yeah I am I'm going to say it was well

  the most egregious example of it the one

  that really upset me was I was a

  bonnaroo one year and Ben Folds who was

  wearing it and I was like Ben Folds come

  on what you reppin with that this is not

  your hat my friend why are you wearing

  my because there are a lot of it mean

  it's not like it's not a skate rat hat

  it's more of like I got these beads in

  Guatemala had except within the

  indie-rock context anyway I thought that

  plague was gone I thought that it had

  been eradicated but the last two days

  and well ever since I found out more

  than two days ever since I found out

  father Mulcahy died huh

  I've been seeing those hats everywhere

  and I don't think they're in tribute

  I think it's some kind of I think it's

  something weird you think it's real

  though you think it's not availability

  or sticky think it's really there you're

  seeing more radar o'reilly hats but well

  I don't I can't tell whether it's when

  you buy a Volkswagen do you suddenly

  volkswagen Hong Kong or is it there

  really are suddenly more of these back

  are you know are Millennials like

  discovering them again even though

  they're only 10 years old right or

  mashes and mashes fairly fairly hard to

  stream i think yeah to the amount and

  they probably don't know it exists and

  they definitely not put the asterisks in

  the name no know who matt at ya and

  confuse database do I that's another

  thing when I when I was naming my band

  after after about two years of the

  internet my mom came to me sometimes I

  want that one point she said if you ever

  have another band and decided to name it

  something consult with me first and I

  said what are you talking about i want

  you to have a band named that's

  googleable because she apparently spent

  a lot of time looking at like Laura

  Ingalls Wilder posts all right but it's

  a I do remember that tell the tale of

  the welders estate approaching you to

  get your as Colonel Potter to get your

  official okie dokie on using that name

  what is gonna match the sub-region

  switch which Colonel do you prefer

  Colonel Potter Colonel Blake that's a

  really good question you don't finish

  your anecdote what do I was in the

  middle of American I i think that was

  some of McLean Stevenson is best work

  and what's gonna surprise you

  I think McLean Stevenson was on

  therefore i think a total of two seasons

  maybe they're crazy it feels like it was

  about it so it's sort of like with Frank

  Burns one trapper trapper

  I mean trip was there a little bit

  longer well trapper and Henry left i

  think at the same time season to season

  two so the story i remember reading and

  I magazine i remember the specific

  phrase was that when Rogers was sick of

  quote-unquote being second banana ought

  to Alan all he wants to be the first

  banana

  why would that was like a banana

  everything right and can imagine how

  bumpy was like even imagine when they

  did the Trapper John MD medical drama

  anything was gonna call wayne no sorry

  Pernell Roberts

  but not interested Wayne which banana

  was he then the last Nana haha but you

  know I gotta say there's something

  special about the first couple seasons

  of mash because it's more in markets way

  less preachy I mean you know it got

  toward the end it got really bad and

  everything is we don't need it we don't

  need to cover the end

  well I mean do people know this John did

  they did they know that like after about

  1979 the entire Korean police action was

  I think two years in length

  yeah and that show was on TV for I think

  about 10 years we have 10 years

  yeah yeah but it was always a metaphor

  for Vietnam yeah like a romantic lay it

  was looking international romana clay

  but I i really like Colonel Potter and I

  loved his real mo i love everybody's

  relationship with radar but Colonel

  Potter was was sweet but you know like

  you need these things you gotta rock

  sand off everybody's edges like the

  whole point of Hot Lips in the movie in

  early seasons was that she was

  insufferable but you can't make me leave

  somebody insufferable for 10 seasons you

  gotta come little lovable right you know

  you gotta bring and then you bring in a

  Donald Penobscot you gotta have a

  Penobscot forget to pay the electric

  bill

  ok but i remember the name of colleges

  feel will you will you put I gotta have

  a Penobscot up on the big board what

  he's coming down here he's gonna see the

  big board haha hey that's good

  thank you gentlemen there's no fighting

  in the war room let me let me just say I

  think that a my sense of mash and its

  legacy is that the last season's colored

  it completely for so many people tell ya

  that it became you know I hear people

  talk about it like people talk about the

  Eagles like there was nothing redeemable

  about math and I'm like listen man I

  watched all 10 seasons of that show it

  only became awful i mean it trended

  awful for a while but well I mean it's

  the problem is like after so you get

  into like after burns left and they

  bring in Winchester which is a little

  bit of a record scratch because part of

  what made Larry Linda's camera

  the names right burn so interesting was

  that he was actually not a good surgeon

  it was interesting my friend my friend

  john patton I used to debate this all

  the time like is Winchester a good

  character because you know he's very

  dignified they can take the piss out of

  him up but he was a very good surgeon

  good for me i'm gonna say up until 76 77

  78 you know I think they were running

  out of brand new ideas so they had to

  like keep bringing back

  Hawkeye writes a letter to his dad they

  had to bring in the like oh let's act

  like everybody's being interviewed for

  for a documentary or like orphan korean

  boy who ends up being a just a

  irrepressible scamp gets adopted by the

  petitioner run the still

  that's right what does not help saying

  what's his name it's a check

  you know I'm not gonna work thing pong

  yeah i was something there was something

  low that we would consider let's be

  honest you know what we should not let

  us consider let's consider the last few

  seasons for the purposes of our program

  it's non-canonical we'll just we'll just

  gonna leave it out from agreed and I you

  know and I liked Charles Winchester the

  third HR but but you're absolutely right

  and i think probably making him a good

  surgeon it eliminated for them the very

  difficult ongoing difficult problem of

  the idea that that there was someone on

  the cast that was patching up American

  servicemen badly right interesting right

  that's a hard thing over time to it's

  one it's one thing to have an arch

  remark about kind of second-hand remark

  about Vietnam it's another thing to say

  that our boys are getting good service

  yeah right and and as as Alan although

  as the as this as the writing got more

  histrionic it's hard to take as a as

  like slapstick the fact that Frank Burns

  is doing a poor job right he's got the

  dunning-kruger problem what did you get

  Colonel Flagg well you know i love

  current flag i look forward to his him

  and and and allan arbus Moses character

  dr. Sigmund

  Sheamus is famous in movies a sigma chi

  minh cmas whenever whenever whenever

  special episode

  those were very special episode getting

  to the chicken I'm gonna split for ya

  gotta come flag is absolutely right out

  of dr strangelove alright so I mean

  that's a broad character that's meant to

  in the pre cata days like priests age

  like what we were learning about the CIA

  at the time

  yeah yeah he's there to protect us

  against having our precious bodily

  fluids apt you didn't break his own arm

  at one point I do you know who he is

  g gordon Liddy oh he's Liddy your money

  you know what you getting for the lady

  yes yes and that actor was so good he

  was so committed i was i was explaining

  Watergate the other day

  o God who is the lucky recipient

  daughter

  no no she she's been asking to very

  interesting questions lately but she has

  not yet gotten to the daddy can use

  plain Watergate to me and boy Richard my

  continued thoughts haha yeah one day she

  will say what you will explain the

  Pentagon Papers can i really keep

  hearing about this saturday night

  Massacre who was at work

  um no it was a it was my millennial

  girlfriend she wanted to know more about

  Watergate and so I gave you know I get

  yourself a sandwich get very tight 20

  minutes and and and I realized like

  Watergate the the like formative moment

  for for our entire generation and the

  generation that preceded us the thing

  that that the crime that gave its name

  to a thousand crimes now just seems like

  just in the lab its solar it's just in

  the last six months now seems like

  comically innocent who and and so yeah

  it was pretty enjoyable to go over there

  it was

  and respected so dumb because they were

  totally going to win the election

  oh no it's dumber than that Merlin they

  had won the election Nixon was already

  reelected but like so this is seven d3

  right anyway I haven't haven't boned up

  on Watergate in awhile but left while

  you want my hot 20 minutes is a no-no

  it's a matter of like here's the thing

  you don't hire a shark to be here's the

  thing this is the darkness my dr. Phil

  ism you don't hire a shark to be your

  babysitter because that's not what a

  shark is good at and can take the kids

  to the park right you did the thing is

  this organization that they had put

  together was so fucking weird and

  paranoid and so hungry for bizarre

  behavior that something like this had to

  happen and then once it had to happen

  then they had to cover it up and then

  they had to have all this other should

  come out about all the even weirder

  stuff that have been going on it's just

  that this particular shark had to kill

  there's nothing dude I'm saying

  sharks have to kill Merlin they do

  otherwise they can't swim backwards like

  this had something something this dumb

  had to happen not because of Nixon but

  because of the sick synergy of the

  people that he needed around him and

  knowing that that malignant combination

  of all those terrible broken

  personalities me especially like this

  Six energy like six sigma it's a synergy

  was one of my favorite baseball managers

  go cubbies that was not a ring for me

  that was a ring for the room

  oh that was that was a ring for the

  table it's like a pepperoni ok bring

  belt I listen

  yeah I don't want to talk about time

  travel

  ok I feel like that do you followed

  about you you're not on Twitter anymore

  are you

  now you know a jason it's gotten so hard

  there it's pretty rough there is a

  carrier there's a person who inhabits

  the character of Richard Nixon on

  Twitter and just does it very

  successfully so much so that I feel like

  I know Nixon and Agnew

  a-and I really look forward to his posts

  he comments on contemporary affairs with

  someone this was kind of like steve jobs

  were like you know it's like a fucking

  amateur hour look at these guys are

  doing right now that's a lot of what

  that Nixon persona does is that isn't

  exact off just like goals yeah are you

  yeah are you serious right now are you

  kidding me right now and then most of it

  is this is your idea of corruption act

  but but it makes me it makes me miss

  simpler times

  yeah me too get your ford there and then

  this guy over here

  yeah the soup a very scarring experience

  there occasionally I told you wrote a

  letter to Gerald Ford told you that

  story right yeah okay yeah I think we're

  pretty much out of stories at this point

  talk about mash who you and me

  ya know there's so many good stories to

  tell you talk about parenting people

  love that I don't even you know there's

  so many things I don't know about you

  Marlon town good what I what was your

  favorite year of high school beyond 490

  every year of high school was my

  freshman year of college boy that's a

  Merlin answer i think the most

  interesting and significant one the one

  that i romanticize the most is 10th

  grade because that was a really

  important year were had a lot of firsts

  and was a year that in my memory was

  filled with so much with so much sadness

  and but also so much contradictory stuff

  a lot of the a lot of the like the

  forces that led up to 10th grade

  there's 10th grade is what happened

  after 10th grade and 10th grade was it

  well as you said crucible that's that's

  where a lot of the story got cooked out

  but it was super fucking interesting the

  stuff that I was incredibly into in

  tenth grade whir whir whir disparate and

  contradictory in a way that is kind of

  amazing to me now so that when you join

  the Society of credit Creative

  Anachronism know it's a year into

  playing D&D but uh now but it was it was

  it's funny because my kids nine and

  she's growing up real fast and there's

  just there's a million things that I

  talked about a talk with other like my

  friend John Syracuse has daughter about

  the same age and has a son about the

  same age

  and it's really weird we think and this

  is not about parenting but it is really

  weird how each kid has a handful of

  things where they might as well be 60

  and a handful of things where they might

  as well to you and I i suspect that

  changes just by degree over time and so

  the tenth grade for me was a big year

  for that were like there are so many

  ways in which i was closer to being in

  sixth grade when I was to being an

  eleventh-grade you don't mean I was

  still I really was still very much a kid

  and still trying to struggling to just

  figure shit out so well for me i'm going

  to 10th grade because it was really into

  the WHO and Ozzy i still like I was kind

  of getting over rush i'm still matter

  rush about subdivisions but i like the

  weird mix of music and culture and I was

  still very pliable so that was that was

  you know that was the last interesting

  year of me being fucked up that's not

  true but anyway i'm going to how about

  you what's your favorite high school 11

  11th grade 10th grade was maybe my well

  let's see it's hard to pick a worst year

  of high school but but tenth was I mean

  exactly as you're saying what was your

  birthday

  I should like embers I should know this

  so when you so you were always I want

  this i was always that was always old

  yeah right so I was always young and so

  it probably were probably talking about

  the same year of life right i mean you

  were right you we would have been the

  same age when I was intense than you

  were when you were intent on your lawn

  in 1981 so i was born in anyone know

  youre points74 tough enough for I can

  bestow your 168 what am I saying

  74 what are you confused i have a lot of

  friends named John uh-huh

  I in tenth grade I was like really on

  formed and just flailing and it was in

  tenth grade that I said it was the

  summer after 10th grade that I that I

  made my little list on my desk blotter

  right i was like this cannot go on you

  need to this is we decided to come big

  man on campus

  yeah you need to step up and so 11th

  grade was 11th grade was the one that

  was the one full of firsts for me you

  know first kiss first moment where

  someone or some peer recognized me as

  cool in some way you know like a job or

  what you know some that was some

  acknowledgement some senior said that

  was pretty funny Roderick and then you

  know spit in my milk or whatever but

  still like I've gotten a I was starting

  to starting to come into my own and I

  could look at myself in the mirror like

  it wasn't i wasn't a complete like human

  crater so-so 11th grade was it and then

  bye-bye 12th grade I had already had

  already squandered everything that I had

  earned an 11th and 12th grade I just

  want I just became an enemy of the

  people but the afro for a brief shining

  moment there in 11th grade I had it all

  I had it all by all you mean you had

  more than nothing

  well there was a little boy I was on a

  trajectory in 11th grade where where I

  started off the year with that there was

  still a lot of like a residual halo of

  loser around me and like there was my

  freshman year there was only one picture

  of me in the in the yearbook and it was

  a picture of me like in a black

  sweatshirt covered with dandruff and a

  panel like a very very greasy bowl

  haircut edge of suffer and Roderick

  occasionally for lunch like yeah the

  caption didn't even include my name home

  now it just said come on it can't be

  that bad

  that's the only picture Lee in the

  freshman in my yearbook restaurants and

  I was flipping through the book and it's

  like somehow my normal picture didn't

  make it in there I wasn't in any clubs

  it was just this like it's just this

  picture like

  the chick it should have said definition

  freshman

  oh and then 10th grade like I was in a

  lot of i was i was involved and stuff i

  was getting into it but I was like you

  like you're saying still six years old

  and I was the kid that like if if if two

  juniors were sitting on the couch at

  lunch

  kissing each other I would walk by and

  go mm you know just didn't understand

  how to play it cool right

  but by so junior year when i first

  started there was a little bit of like

  there was quite a bit of uncool still

  stuck to me but i had i but I really

  cleaned up my act and all of a sudden I

  was what was i got elected to the

  Student Congress wow I was arts and

  culture editor of the school newspaper

  this all happened in the end of the

  beginning of junior year I must've been

  stuff you would not have even imagined

  here well but I wrote big man on campus

  on that desk blotter being on campus

  bmoc p.m. on that does blood and I was

  circled it and I was like I don't even

  know what that means but my dad says

  this all the time

  uh-huh and I'm gonna figure out what it

  means and it's gonna be me I had a

  girlfriend that didn't happen until

  after new years but even I was like I

  was talking to girls and they were

  absolutely telling me to go away but

  they were told me to go away with a

  giggle you know instead of with like a

  look of horror and what else oh and so I

  was writing for the school newspaper so

  people would come up to me and say like

  I really liked your article which

  shocked and amazed me and soullow you

  know I had a car all of a sudden Josh

  you know like it seemed and I was a

  member i was a member of my little gang

  there was a gang formed and I was a man

  i was a bona fide member of it not not a

  tag-along that's a tremendous amount of

  progress

  well it goes incredible I was like look

  at me I mean I my hair wasn't greasy

  anymore

  I was a i cobbled together a wardrobe of

  crewneck sweaters and have you done your

  whiteout jacket yet

  oh that see that was the the jacket was

  senior year where where I lost the plot

  OIC oh so this year was a little bit of

  an outlier

  yeah because up because it in freshman

  and sophomore year I was the guy with

  the two alligators humping on his jean

  jacket and in senior year I had a

  floor-length duster trench coat with a

  whiteout skull and crossbones on the

  back it was just junior year when I was

  not I wasn't like fucking up at all i

  just had all I had on a crewneck sweater

  and a button-down shirt and top-siders

  and i was writing for the school

  newspaper and I had a girlfriend like

  you see the political it's this like

  yeah it seems like it seemed like from

  there anything could happen i could go

  to college this is so great that uses

  that phrase I fucking hate which is a

  someone I've really arrived I've always

  really dislike that for not always but

  I've come to really dislike that i'm

  always thinking like yeah you've arrived

  but how do you know how long it will be

  in until you're asked to leave

  yeah that's right could you stop

  arriving now could you go arrive

  somewhere else

  goal yeah arrive arrive elsewhere

  arrived at the exit

  yeah bye-bye senior year I was my hair

  was greasy again your Cinderella it was

  yeah that's right my by a carriage turn

  back into a pumpkin but by senior

  because it because in some sophomore

  year I was still I don't know somewhat

  pubescent right i mean i was not I

  wasn't pretty to look at and then senior

  year I was not present anymore i was

  just like a gross 17 years the grotesque

  curry

  I mean I was I was it was it was awful i

  was i mean i'm walking to think about it

  i'm a member of the trench coat mafia

  yeah i was the family remember the

  church that's right there was nobody

  else in it

  so i don't know i look back at junior

  year

  the thing is there were a couple of

  those right my the the first year after

  I quit drinking

  the first time I quit drinking I got

  myself into the University of Washington

  I grunge was happening all around us

  here in Seattle and I went straight and

  i cut my hair and I shaved off my

  scraggly beard and i put on my crew neck

  sweaters again and went to the

  University of Washington and I was so

  proud of myself because that was my

  dad's college and I'd gotten in

  I've gotten into the big school and I

  want and I am having having already been

  grunge for several years and now really

  cleaned up my act of her walking around

  the campus and seeing all the like

  students who were wearing grunge close

  and like practicing grunge as a

  lifestyle choice i was very contemptuous

  of them because i looked like i was i

  was really coming across very ll being

  but but I you know I've been in the shit

  yeah sure

  and there was this real pulling me like

  at that point it was a pole like which

  way is my life going to go am I gonna go

  straight am I gonna be am I going to be

  successful am I gonna go to my uncle and

  asking for a job am I gonna be a u.s.

  senator am I going to be up you know

  grown-up person and I held i held the

  till you know like a ship was going into

  rough waters and I was i I was catching

  the wind and I just couldn't hold it

  I couldn't hold the there wasn't

  anything in it that I could find that

  worked for me you know i come how much

  of it do you think the the successful

  kind of stuff this wonderful word latin

  phrase I don't even know how to

  pronounce and anas anas miraculous

  healing right your miracle year now

  you've had a wonderful the miracle yet

  miracle year for your particular anise

  like do you how much of that do you

  think was not taking away how much of it

  do you think was dumb luck

  how much much of it do you think was

  like you successfully formulated the

  right potion for potions to have this

  this school year academic year mostly go

  well how much you think you got lucky

  I mean because it seems like that plays

  into it you have you might have just

  gotten Delta flush and didn't know do

  you mean junior year or so junior

  particular is junior here's the thing

  here's the one of the fuckin problems in

  this country in this world if I may say

  is that we instruct young people to see

  life as a series of arrivals that mostly

  get better and better at least in the

  prion the area before the millenniums

  like I think that's really think okay

  eventually you're gonna be old enough to

  walk to school

  bring a little bit older you get to go

  to an r-rated movie you know you can

  drive you can eat good collagen you know

  it's a series of arrivals and you know i

  don't think people or are naturally as

  prepared for the idea that those

  arrivals are not a guarantee of any kind

  of success it's it's an indication of

  not abject failure but like you can

  expect some serious downs alongside the

  occasional up for sure and I think what

  I think my junior year is much more a

  result of

  what

  from the time that I first started going

  to see Jim Lindeman my family counselor

  and I've told you that story where we

  went as a family soon as i remember his

  idea was your mother

  uh my mom and my dad were trying to

  figure out yeah like how how we're going

  to solve our family dynamic and the four

  of us my mom my sister my dad and I all

  went to this family counselor and after

  a couple of months of going my sister

  who was pretty young to be this aware

  choose maybe maybe 11 somebody spoke to

  her in the room finally and she said

  I've been sitting in this family

  counseling for two or three months and

  no one has ever asked me a question or

  said a word to me so obviously whatever

  the problem is in this family it isn't

  mine and I don't want to go anymore to

  this and everybody i think was

  embarrassed by this because that was the

  the else in the room with you

  oh for sure and and and so and the idea

  being that that our family dynamic was

  was a problem nobody believed that that

  included them

  right like yeah and so then it was my

  mom and my dad and me going to family

  counseling for a while

  your dad was game for that oh yeah he

  was a my dad was really into psychology

  and he my dad and my mom had in the

  nineteen fifties I mean my dad had been

  seeing a a psychiatrist like a union

  psychiatrist in this in the fifties my

  mom and my dad signed up for LSD trials

  what in 59 my god and didn't do them for

  some reason but you know they were very

  curious about that stuff like a very

  exploratory anyway so we're sitting in

  family counseling everybody's yelling at

  each other about what a problem i am and

  a certain point my mom's stood up and

  said obviously david and john have a lot

  to work out and I don't it's not a very

  good use of my time to be in here

  listening to those two bicker and argue

  about what is obviously they're broken

  probably in a broken relationship so I'm

  not going to come to this anymore until

  some progress has been made and then

  there were two and then there were two

  me and my dad my dad and I continue to

  go CJ lindemann for another couple of

  months and then my dad said hey I can't

  make it no way i've got a big meeting in

  washington DC i'll see you next week and

  then never came again it was essentially

  just check it and no because I kept

  going ok so jam the family counselor and

  I continue to see each other for three

  years did the chanting of the mantle of

  yelling at you know general yelled at me

  up but Jan also was a family counselor

  or something like Jen never read

  realized there was never an

  acknowledgement that I was a teenage boy

  and I think it's some special help

  like like when I would say anything

  about a girl like I you know I love this

  girl or I have these I'm sort of having

  this problem with this girl can we

  change the subject

  she did not want to give me relationship

  advice oh that wasn't that wasn't

  covered by chance expertise i guess not

  or something I mean I'm still confused

  about it but when i was 13 14 years old

  that's all

  15 that's all i wanted to talk about are

  you kidding me but but it always

  deflected we didn't that wasn't a thing

  we're going to we're gonna see ask but

  all of that that whole process really

  confirmed in me the understanding that a

  everyone in my family thought I was the

  problem be Jan didn't disagree that has

  the problems and uh and i had i was

  already convinced that was the problem

  personally so going into 11th grade i

  have this huge like shockwave right

  behind me of not just like a feeling but

  also i've been given the language to

  describe and had the had like the power

  of conviction of a whole group of people

  an army marching behind me that all

  agreed that I self-sabotage that i got

  in the way of my own self

  I intentionally took steps to impede my

  success

  this was a this was a widely held belief

  in my clan that all I needed to do this

  is the other and even as I say them I i

  can put myself back in those Marv and

  taupe colored rooms with ferns all

  around us and hear this idea promulgated

  that all I needed to do was just do

  the thing that needed to be done I

  didn't need to do the other things that

  I did which was examined the logic of

  the thing that was being asked of me I

  didn't need to make the if somebody said

  draw this in two colors I didn't need to

  draw in 14 colors to show them I was

  better it could be i didn't need to you

  know I didn't need to argue with the

  premise I didn't need to

  it didn't need to write in the margins I

  didn't need to tell the teacher that her

  question wasn't relevant I did you all

  these things I just needed to get out of

  the way and just do the thing and the

  thing seems so simple to everyone else

  who if I could just do the simple things

  why couldn't he just do the simple thing

  and i couldn't i never could do the

  simple thing I didn't I i was so I mean

  half the time at least just so offended

  by the device

  yeah just so offended by how could any

  of you do this but going into 11th grade

  i said i looked at that BMOC written on

  the on the blotter

  uh-huh and I was like what do you do how

  do you how do you get to BMOC you know

  right now I'm LLC and what do you what's

  the transition and so I got started

  trying to do this thing you know get out

  of the way like don't if you if you

  finally managed to get a shirt with a

  crocodile on it don't so another

  crocodile on it now it's just you just

  leave it

  that's right that just seems like you're

  just antagonizing people and you know

  like you can have the crocodile and

  disbelieve it you can have the crocodile

  and imagine another crocodile on it

  ok just don't know just don't go that

  extra step and almost you need to be a

  better editor of your behavior

  yeah yeah and-and-and it was because

  what did I want haha

  haha imagine you no no no don't even

  think Aaron t I was 10

  it was really important to look look

  listen I Prince Valiant punks

  nope I what I wanted was to get kissed

  I wanted to kiss i want to kiss i wanted

  to kill somebody I want to be

  did you also want to be special well I

  mean I'm putting a fruity way

  ok I'll only put in more punk rock way

  didn't you want to not be just another

  fucking drone that was not I i realized

  i think at that point that was no longer

  a risk I was never going to be I was

  never gonna buy it hook line and sinker

  I was not

  I what I wasn't mentally or emotionally

  vulnerable in that way that I couldn't

  conform because it was not in my heart

  but I could but I could like start to

  recognize what we're to make my stand

  right to pick my battles who fight the

  real fight

  don't you know don't sit and and lose

  that Lake lose the bat lose the initial

  battle of even getting your foot in the

  door because you show up wearing a

  double-knit suit that you got at the

  goodwill for at all you're getting in

  your own way

  ya like like I have free for the first

  couple years of high school I have this

  I had planted my feet somewhere on the

  topic of Levi's thing that we've

  discussed at length I wasn't gonna wear

  Levi's Levi's were trendy and i didn't

  know i was i was dumb I didn't know

  enough about anything but at that point

  in time you know super tight Levi's that

  had been ironed you know like people

  ironing their Levi's like I i did not i

  was going to wear Levi's I was only

  gonna wear like army pants and stuff and

  in 11th grade I said you know what

  whatever that was

  you spent two years fighting levis and

  what do you have to show for it

  levi's still exists all you have to show

  for it is that everyone in the school is

  wearing Levi's except you

  and no one cares like you haven't want

  anybody over to your where think way of

  thinking right no you haven't cooked

  collected a group of like a new army all

  wearing army pants and so I was like

  advice

  fine you know like i did i did some of

  that so in answer to your question like

  what did I have a string of good luck I

  might have that was right when i had my

  growth spurt so all of a sudden I was

  tall and that it couldn't have hurt sooo

  and my sense of humor had come in the

  same way that your mustache comes in

  although my mustache had not come in but

  my sense of humor had come in if you

  know right now you know that's good way

  to put it

  yeah I was no longer like huh Chris yeah

  there's an atom bomb in your shoe

  you know I was I wasn't quoting a like

  stripes or Monty Python right anymore i

  was able to sit and and kind of like

  toss off little little quips that were

  fairly biting and that was the that

  scene i recounted earlier where a senior

  said it was pretty good one that was

  actual event a guy named his name was

  John I'm with the fuck was his name is

  he was a senior to my junior and I had

  always admired him he was the he kind of

  had a pockmarked face I mean he wasn't

  like beautiful but he was the real the

  real cut-up of the greatest enemy he was

  the bill murray who and oh I i really

  wanted his approval and one day stand in

  a group of people I you know I pulled

  out my my verbal derringer and hit

  somebody in the gun belt and what the

  fuck was his name John somebody-or-other

  welcome here

  he he he kinda like took a little bit of

  a little head check and was like huh i

  was pretty good you know and and it was

  it didn't feel like a like I'm kind of

  doing it in like it

  coach voice like hey nice job kid and

  then a little hand mussing the hair

  uh-huh

  it wasn't like that it was like huh

  pretty good and then immediately he was

  like now I'm going to war with you

  because you have just demonstrated that

  you are the new threat to me and now

  you're you know you want to you want to

  play with the big dogs so it was it was

  a it was a tense moment but a great

  moment for me to have gotten his

  attention and then I did then we did go

  to war and eventually i prevailed

  huh well interesting because my sense of

  humor came in hard when it came in

  it all came in at once like a big

  mustache did it was just like hope and

  hope is that you guys seen John but I

  well yeah because I just had grown a

  foot in height and you know i had gone

  from being kind of put picked upon and

  you know pushed around and like hey hey

  John drink this type of treatment to a

  like but just just really quickly like

  nobody can get the better of me at least

  him in the didn't like the teenage way

  Wow hey John drink this oh you mean is

  that your mom you know like whatever

  when you're 16 years old like those that

  your mom and a cup and you know and it's

  just like you can say to that is that

  response to something like that i do is

  hang your head and go fucking bang your

  head on the locker because you just got

  schooled by your mom and a cup

  yes it's your first visit your first day

  yeah I had a friend tell me many years

  later he was like you were never you've

  never been as funny as you were in 11th

  grade

  oh god that's horrible to hear ya but

  he's an idiot so yeah what he meant was

  just that I was I mean because when my

  sense of humor came and I was also very

  i had been i had been abused and so I

  was pretty vicious here Carrie yeah

  right yeah didn't ask for it but you

  shut up and you gotta power

  yeah I gotta power all of a sudden and

  now there's going to be a reordering so

  i know i have never been as bad as i was

  an eleventh-grade being a nice teacher

  is going to save you

  mmm tell you what when did your sense of

  humor come in

  well it's the sense of humor at ets my

  own phrase now um I mean I had a way of

  like blurting out lots of stuff but I

  was always a terrible editor

  wait a minute while I came to embrace it

  later but you know i'm going to reject

  this line of questioning because your

  laughing not a good but now i'm laughing

  in the best possible way sense of humor

  can I mean you know you're gay so like

  there's there's like I'm not to dissect

  this too much but there's the like you

  develop a personal sense of what's funny

  in the world you develop the ability to

  say things that make people laugh as

  against the the true meaning which is

  like you you see the tragedy of life and

  how it plays out in ways that can be

  funny right

  I don't think I got the last one I mean

  not still so I have it but i don't know

  i got funny things I would like to

  imagine in my head that I was bullied i

  was very lightly bullied

  I mean I was bullied the way every kid

  was bullied that that's something these

  kids they don't understand is that

  everybody lived in fear at a certain

  point it's true

  um I mostly from emotional i mean the

  teachers everybody like it was just

  awful it was just awful to be a kid at a

  certain point but on and I i suspect

  like a lot of people who regard

  themselves correctly or not as funny for

  me that was a kind of defensive thing

  and I think it the the kind of like John

  Rother Kim you're describing their that

  started probably in 8th or 9th grade

  mhm because the thing is it's like her

  more first moved to San Francisco so

  spend a lot of time sitting in my friend

  Michaels place and I said to park my

  rental car at like McAllister and and

  fillmore which is looking very very

  doing donuts shooting guns sort of

  intersection over by the fillmore i mean

  it's it's pretty rough I mean there will

  be lots of gunshots in the night and and

  this is probably just ignorance but i

  would always remember thinking I would

  park and I would walk past lots of

  people

  that if I had any sense I'd probably be

  scared of but I always felt like a

  non-combatant I always felt like I had a

  white cross on my head a little bit or

  that like I was like an npc I was not

  really in this particular game of the ND

  an example ensure they would have

  treasured but I was like I was not like

  but you know if it was exactly the same

  person but black i think i might have

  gotten more hassle and I think in eighth

  grade I was I'd like you maybe I did not

  register very much with people i was

  just just another dork

  yeah and then 9th grade was the

  beginning of kind of starting to feel

  those oats a little bit more and in some

  ways like when you are really just an

  anonymous dork i might be getting this

  wrong but I think when you're just

  anonymous torque you're not really as

  exposed you know you if your profile

  goes up a little bit that's when you get

  exposed and that's when you run into

  like more concentrated trouble from

  people

  that's right that's exactly right but I

  like I've still never been in a fight in

  my entire life

  I don't want to start well you know I i

  I've been in a couple of fights I've

  made my first but I've heard you made

  you need a it's a religious very

  uncomfortable a couple years ago talking

  about one of these incidents

  haha you know I don't like to make our

  listeners uncomfortable i want to i want

  them to feel bathed yeah in a in a warm

  chalice by you need like your favorite

  uncle you look forward to seeing every

  year in anything talks by Hitler for two

  hours

  I'm coming their heads and and you're

  just pouring like pointment on there

  there

  yeah now however I never thought to be

  honest I I think I don't think I even

  ever experienced that much physical

  friction it was much more emotional and

  a lot of it was visited upon myself a

  lot of it was there's no fucking way

  anybody is going to see my dick in this

  locker room also not saying don't just

  the showers no thang that was one of the

  most like debilitating i'm just being

  straight up here like shower down again

  and here like sharjah Wow shower down

  all right

  yeah that's right i forgot about that

  but the you know in Buddhism to call the

  second arrow is the area you get shot

  with and there's the area shooting

  yourself and for me like a lot of the

  things that I dreaded the most certainly

  there were things like I

  I'm about to get bullied by this guy and

  I really don't want to walk by where I

  know he's gonna be and that's the thing

  you think about all fucking day but then

  was also like I'm just dreading third

  period

  I just the entire thing of having to see

  the naked people having to like you know

  you can make people be but it was I was

  it's just a weird thing that can make it

  anywhere i don't care but like back then

  I was just I was terrified of that and

  that's kind of thing I mean let's say

  what you will what that says about me

  but I just think about that all the time

  around

  yeah well right i got i took addy in gym

  rather than get in the shower

  barek it's barbaric our showers were

  like a big not big I mean they were like

  a hexagon the size of a walk-up phone

  booth and there would be just likes and

  I mean things to be honest I don't think

  this is this is not the apparent home of

  hate that word it's so abuse it's not

  that I was worried about being gay

  it was I was worried about having a tiny

  tiny dick and no body hair and I was

  worried more I was less of the obviously

  today the millenniums are gonna hit and

  go oh well obviously you had the nice

  and homophobia of the nineteen eighties

  no it was not it was that I was really

  underdeveloped even it is especially in

  my own eyes I think I was probably

  pretty normal but like boy was that ever

  something I did not want anybody else to

  see

  for me it was i was fat ah you know I

  was eighth grade yeah I had I have a gut

  I was Joey I was I had lots of baby fat

  well then that was another guys there's

  other guys that look like Roger Starbuck

  it's like this is not fair

  this guy's already balding he's got hair

  everywhere yeah yeah that's not fair and

  just the I mean I when I look it's the

  classic thing right you look back at

  pictures of yourself and like what I

  look great what was I so worried about

  look fine i don't look broken by life

  yet

  yeah but I was you know I was very

  worried that I was chubby it didn't even

  occur to me i think i think it didn't

  occur to me that penises had different

  sizes for a long time

  yeah because when someone was naked

  around me i averted my eyes

  so immediately that I had you know I've

  been in locker rooms I've never seen a

  penis you're embarrassed for every

  aspect of what's happening but just

  obviously some guys that are much more

  into it than others

  well Jon Beason with the guys who got

  like the guys are used to being naked

  and who have like tons of secondary hair

  because they've been through puberty

  they're walking around cock-of-the-walk

  well i think that the computer sports

  person and you're physically capable on

  the sports field

  yeah you carry with you a kind of body

  comfortability of like a fucking easter

  parade for you

  this is this is the room you're in all

  the time you understand how things work

  in this room and your kind of the

  defacto like prime minister of nakedness

  yeah if you if you can throw football

  the way down the field who cares whether

  you have a gun or not yeah because this

  is your yeah right you're right they

  don't look scared whereas I I looked I I

  probably smelled scared yeah I was it

  scared yeah yeah well and I think again

  back to that transition into 11th grade

  like I had already ninth-grade tenth

  grade I had made my world with the nerds

  like the the kids that sat at the edge

  of the lunchroom the D&D years the the

  Monty Python errs like I was I'd made my

  bones with them and but it was in there

  in that circle that I felt I felt going

  into 11th grade like is this is this me

  am I going to hide out here in this am I

  gonna hide out in the corner of the

  lunch right are you staying overnight or

  is it going to be like where you live

  now right

  mi is this me now am i throwing dice the

  rest of my life and I remember that

  feeling yeah because this isn't me like

  I'm over here because I feel safe here

  and accepted here but i i'm i'm not i'm

  not going to double i mean i remember

  sitting with a friend and he was taking

  metalworking classes and he was very

  very excited about being able to use the

  forge

  because and then he opened his notebook

  and here were very very detailed

  drawings of the broadsword that he was

  going to forge Wow and I was both

  intrigued by like whoa you're going to

  forge a broadsword that's pretty badass

  like tell me more

  but also a recognition that up at

  forging a broadsword does not bode well

  it just in that a broadsword is not a

  useful implement now we don't use them a

  lot and 221 in that way but not as a

  like I I'm gonna buy one and put it on

  the wall but like I am going to forge

  one in the furnace of Mordor

  yeah it was i I mean believe me I lived

  in that fantasy place a lot walking home

  from school imagining that I was being

  gifted magic power is conjuring in orbit

  I was conjuring orbs right and left but

  i also saw that contemporaneous with us

  there were people who were preparing for

  a life in the world or even I mean yes

  but also just even like trying to buy

  beer like there overnight stay was years

  ahead of ours that whatever whatever

  dumb shit they were doing with vandalism

  or like you know you don't mean but

  there were like these levels of like the

  dumb way stations the truck scales you

  have to go through to get to the next

  thing and like even though you might

  recognize that as like this is dumb kid

  behavior you're still doing like really

  younger dumb kid behavior or four-door

  dorkier well yeah I mean yeah I was

  playing with GI Joes in the bathtub

  while people not maybe my own age but my

  own grade certainly were actually like

  having sex with each other not just

  making out and going to second base and

  lightest they hadn't they were all the

  way

  HM move in on and i was like wow

  depends on fire about time being in the

  shit i was fucking deep in the shit and

  so it was it was connect conscious

  decision to

  go out of where I felt comfortable and

  safe in a place where

  safe in a place where

  you know i was able to live i was able

  to be comfortably in fantasy and move

  into this terrible terrible world where

  people were going to where people off

  like a big part of of how that world

  discriminates is by starting with the

  premise that they don't want you like

  you're somebody like me who was not like

  as a hero yet

  well there's there's there's better and

  more interesting people than you who are

  welcome

  that's the right thing here isn't it

  isn't a 0 or a 1 I mean there are there

  a lot of people there were a lot cooler

  than you that we're still not going to

  make it still not going to make it and

  you know you're really screwed

  so how did I achieve how did how did how

  did I achieve enough velocity not only

  to penetrate but of course I was not

  once i was headed that way I wasn't

  going to be content until I was in the

  center because you're gonna be the BMC

  water that's right that BMOC is not like

  big assistant man on campus

  mm it's not big sidekick on campus I

  wasn't gonna be somebody else's sidekick

  you working on second banana I wasn't

  gonna be second but you know what all do

  you give me the first banana that's

  right i'm going to write and direct this

  episode booth and it's going to be about

  me saving a little Korean boy named top

  hat birds is trying to read in the Bible

  anything is that that's kind of true now

  to you know like I'm I'm adjacent to

  this world of Hollywood comedy actors /

  and in the same way that you for a long

  time have been adjacent to Silicon

  Valley and you know I look at that world

  all the time down in Hollywood a lot now

  and I'm sitting around in a cafe and I'm

  looking around the room like

  why do I hate everyone in this cafe oh

  they're all working on the screenplay

  like everyone in here is either meeting

  with someone that they hope will option

  there screenplay or you know they're all

  working they're all like just striving

  yeah to do a thing that they you can

  almost just look around and say like Oh

  clearly this isn't gonna pan out for you

  but there's a version of where i am now

  that feels like I'm I've been safe in my

  in this place that I built for myself

  but am i prepared to go down to

  California and you know and cold call

  joel mchale they say hey don't you know

  and you just you you're embarrassed at

  the prospect of it like hey Joel I'm in

  town I don't really have any good ideas

  but I was hoping that I could like ride

  on your coattails call me back

  there's so so many of those calls and

  emails I don't make where the thought

  goes through my head and I'm just like

  wait stop this turns out great how ya

  around for like you know I mean I'm

  acquainted with Chris Hardwick

  I'm i'm not super good friends with

  crisp but like and this is from a time

  when you know maybe I was more famously

  with less famous but we were acquainted

  yeah we talked about things and you know

  and play at the idea of doing things

  didn't think sometimes and like thing as

  time passed and like he's got like you

  know real big and real successful stuff

  and like they're still sometimes like

  we'll have exchanged the when people say

  you should get on cav Chris you should

  ever on your show and I don't hide under

  a rock and I'm just like no please don't

  make it so he even has to like consider

  that it makes me it makes my insides so

  uncomfortable when that happens just not

  that's not shame it's just more like I

  don't like I don't like even

  inconveniencing people with ideas and no

  ideas way something

  Yeah right right I I that this happened

  the other day i was down in LA

  there was a sold-out show at the gallery

  don't be happening to me Hollywood

  what's up jolie jolie with that girl i

  met she has seems to be doing a lot of

  movies what's her name i was done LA and

  and Patton Oswalt was playing at Largo

  and I said oh I'd like to go to that

  show and it was sold out and I said well

  known as sold-out doesn't matter to me

  daddy it John Rocker yeah I know I know

  everybody in largo they are you know

  they largo the largo accounts Dave's my

  Instagram posts like I've never even

  more tempting to cut something out

  I'm really up here haha that the

  Instagram account for largo huh yeah the

  Instagram account for largo faves my

  shit all the time so this shouldn't be a

  problem

  yeah cute maybe going on your foot

  I'm just gonna take me that damn

  standing at the front door like I know

  the shoulder shows sold out but check it

  out you guys have like to my last seven

  posts all the things I know everybody

  that works there right i mean and I'm I

  don't live in LA but I'm there I played

  a lot of shows there there's not a lot

  of turnover in the people that run the

  place

  yeah and so and I know we're all friends

  and some cheering up i'm not i'm not

  like I'm not like here we go here and

  i'm just sitting i'm sitting in a

  picture just because you have not done

  any prep work here your plan is to show

  up then just kind of walton that's right

  ok and not just show up and Walt it but

  show up with people I'm Alton and I'm

  sitting there and I'm thinking i'm doing

  i'm running a merlin mann on and I'm

  like what are the potential outcomes

  here let's just run through this like

  I'm not somebody that if I show up at a

  place with a bunch of people and I get

  turned away

  I'm not especially embarrassed by that

  because because it always is like well

  give it a try right let's go across the

  street and eat blintzes or whatever you

  know like I'm I he can't you're not

  going to like or a bucket over my hand

  but as I SAT there i thought this exact

  thing you're describing

  why give my good friends at largo any

  memory of ever having turned me down for

  a thing like right now right no one

  there has ever turned me down

  why why risk even establishing the

  notion in anyone's mind that i'm in a

  category people that get turned down for

  things and I know what that's somewhere

  in my mind I've never really quite put

  my finger on it but you're right that's

  i don't i don't want this enough to live

  with what the no means ya to take to put

  to do on your own put a black mark next

  to your name and it's not a black I mean

  so what that would mean but it looks

  like that's it that's account

  accompanied by the noise oh yeah right

  what that would mean is now I'm on a

  list of somebody that gets in to some

  shows some times if it's not that big of

  a deal

  and right now because I decided not to

  go right and I told the people i was i

  was planning on taking let's do

  something else

  yeah scan was good lenses what that

  means is that i'm not a person that gets

  turned down for a patton oswalt show

  that's been sold out for a month right

  time I can't find negative that's right

  i'm not on that list I very well might

  be somebody that could have gotten into

  that show sure nobody's with it being

  any different

  yeah and that's you know that's a big

  actually falls apart if you test your

  dick haha that's a big way of running

  your Hollywood game slow march but but

  but i do feel sometimes like em I not am

  I not pushing myself hard enough like

  shouldn't I be

  I'll just the word audition makes me

  want to sit in the bathtub with a bowl

  of macaroni and cheese I have some

  counseling on this and I have some

  thoughts on this

  let me hear well first of all my another

  admission along this is that and this

  sounds like some kind of weird like I

  don't know we're sending a little bit

  robert evans at this point but um

  you have done better if you follow him

  on twitter but it is i'm really a lot of

  fun i do follow him

  boy he's here yeah great he's a hundred

  and five now

  yeah yeah I could sit for the paths see

  ya

  listen this is living in the house jack

  nicholson ba living in his house the

  Jackals block when I bet your ass is

  what is like there's sometimes we're

  like you know first of all I'm from Ohio

  and I don't really talk to people and

  I'm not really good at keeping up with

  people and so like anytime I'm like keep

  going to like catch up with somebody I

  always find myself like doubting or

  questioning like why I'm doing it which

  is so terrible

  like what I just keep up with everybody

  but i think i'll guide people are busy

  and they're gonna think I want something

  and like there's another I'm talking

  about like all my friends this is why I

  don't talk to any of you

  it is like I just goes to my mind it's

  like I look if this goes well and what's

  gonna happen like we're gonna have

  planned something that all don't have

  time or resources to do and like I just

  go through that but you know i'll say is

  this is that like if that's something

  you actually want to do not to use the a

  word here but if you'd like to be in

  more things

  the only thing I could think of that

  does help is to first set your mind the

  fact that you're gonna do that and then

  make it easy on other people

  I think it's really different from

  showing up at the door and saying like

  you know him a friend of pattern or

  whatever you know and that's that's

  needy but like if you have a thing where

  you can actually sounds like stupid

  networking I don't mean it that way but

  if you have a way where you actually

  could be useful for something for

  somebody else like that's that's not bad

  thing you're not asking for anything but

  your luck favors the well-prepared like

  if you're ready like you got to be ready

  to like say talk to a producer who that

  person has to convince you should be at

  do I'm saying yeah well and this is that

  that but now we're talking more about

  commitment and you realize how much of

  this you really want when you start

  thinking about what's involved

  yeah my problem is that I always feel

  like I have I always feel that i offer

  utility to every situation sure right

  like like guy the MSD yeah i'm not

  showing up there with a with a bouquet

  of flowers and a bottle of champagne

  the bouquet of flowers in the bottle of

  champagne is me because the other

  problem is that trying to teach my

  daughter this with the cat because the

  cat has a in the 11-month sleep at her

  she's really warmed up to the family

  she's still a hideous monster but she's

  become in her way for a ten-year-old cat

  she's become kind of affectionate just

  in the sense that like she likes to be

  petted at certain times in certain ways

  how much hair does she have right now is

  shaved i'll send you pictures a

  monstrosity there something I'm trying

  to teach my wonderful daughter which is

  that with the cat with the cat it's all

  about building up way more trust than

  you think is reasonable or certainly way

  more trusting is fun so like a lot of

  times when you feel like petting the cat

  don't pet the cat is rightly because

  leave the cat alone and get really wants

  that the cat will come to you now if the

  cat does come to you I'm just gonna tell

  you like mom and I know this like here's

  a couple places and ways that the cat

  likes to be scratched you can scratch

  the back of the cat's neck right here

  forever and she'll be very happy if she

  likes that you can put a little bit an

  urgent and it makes it really because

  what you don't you don't walk up to the

  cat pick up the CAC turn her around do a

  dance put on your lap and then start

  like scratching her like on her

  underside because that doesn't build

  trust that build suspicion like mom and

  I got to the point where we can scratch

  the cat on the neck because we figured

  out that's what she likes and we don't

  we don't mess it up too much and like

  I'm not sure exactly what the messages

  for you getting into dan harmon's TV

  shows

  unlike you I'm saying here is only yeah

  that to me is like just keep your

  personal credit good

  yeah in that way like don't fuck it up

  with something stupid because every time

  you try to scratch the cats but because

  it's cute like that makes the cat trust

  you less and and the cat didn't really

  get strapped scratched you can get to

  scratch the cat and all that's really

  changes your relationship I I feel like

  about the ship has already sailed in

  being in Dan Harmon's production

  have you ever had to follow up with him

  no no and uh you know I don't think that

  he feels like it's his job to help that

  are wonderful fans

  had missed very few opportunities to

  make this into an unnecessarily

  oppositional thing with Dan Harmon yeah

  they really had that has not helped

  hey Dad check it out using an arm and

  stolen idea for now we get what

  check it out man i just bet you're still

  mad Dan Harmon like no one cares stops

  now that stop scratching the cats but

  stop it

  uh you know like how to scratch the cat

  i think that should go up on the big

  board

  ok i'll put it up here that was great

  cast your other one the one the other

  one you don't think somebody'll tweet at

  us

  yeah I yeah I I mean all those things

  right

  it's a ultimately it's the big question

  do I i yes I do yes I do what I'm

  supposed to get past perfect not

  currently the big question is do I

  answer is yes I do yes I do no king but

  do I i miss the context for them but I

  like it

  do I why why yes i do you do to my son

  do you bet your ass I can be certain of

  one thing today

  that's what that's gonna do it I'm gonna

  do yes I do if your impression of Tom

  Waits doing

  Oh tired so much Randy new business oh

  ok with quick for my still sitting a

  good unit to continue to make me blue do

  i do i do that do you do it is why you

  yes I do that's it that's the whole game

  take it very well stop right there

  that's good