Roderick on the Line

Ep. 188: "Crow Meth"

 

  this episode of Roderick on the line is [TS]

  brought to you by braintree code for [TS]

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  now please visit braintree payments calm [TS]

  / supertrain [TS]

  [Music] [TS]

  hello hi John hi Marilyn [TS]

  how's it going well you know I'm [TS]

  starting off with a little bit of a [TS]

  complaint I i thought i had a life hack [TS]

  I don't know yeah I you know I have been [TS]

  using the same coffee cup here for [TS]

  awhile i really love my coffee machine [TS]

  that was like it's bad to keep using the [TS]

  same coffee cup over and over without [TS]

  really washing it [TS]

  uh-huh sounds like what am I gonna do [TS]

  all right in the pantry I have a [TS]

  thousand little disposable white cups [TS]

  that people bring the parties and stuff [TS]

  i'll just take the cups down that will [TS]

  be its it's bad it's not eco-friendly [TS]

  but these cups were already made right [TS]

  there they were headed to the lands like [TS]

  it's like fur coats you don't have one [TS]

  made but you it's okay to adopt one [TS]

  right right so i get down here i got my [TS]

  stack cups I'm feeling like a real smart [TS]

  guy put them in the copy machine turns [TS]

  out the cup isn't quite big enough for [TS]

  the for the long shot [TS]

  so that copy was pouring over the side a [TS]

  little bit and then I reach to pick it [TS]

  up and the cup is not made to handle hot [TS]

  liquids either it's too flimsy [TS]

  Oh No so then it spilled on my pants and [TS]

  explore my hand and hot [TS]

  oh my god what a horrible way to start [TS]

  you down so sorry you're starting over [TS]

  oh no I mean how do you push a reset [TS]

  button on something like that do you [TS]

  keep extra pants at the office trousers [TS]

  you know the fact is i do but i just [TS]

  don't know if they are there if they're [TS]

  right for this weather it's all money to [TS]

  local here now check on the Seattle [TS]

  whether it's kind of a nice day [TS]

  it's getting there as we say it's [TS]

  getting there getting there getting [TS]

  there are four neighbor bag once again [TS]

  back to 490 james street [TS]

  it looks like it's a mostly cloudy and [TS]

  48 feels like 46mm it's gonna be mostly [TS]

  cloudy for the next hour with rain [TS]

  starting this afternoon [TS]

  oh ok these pants are some very old very [TS]

  cool [TS]

  heavy heavy wool hunting pants [TS]

  pants that you could they kind of Last [TS]

  of the Mohicans pants you know what I [TS]

  mean like they you could go down the st. [TS]

  Lawrence River in a birchbark canoe in [TS]

  these pants and at least your legs [TS]

  wouldn't be cold [TS]

  that's nice that's super specific yeah [TS]

  right no chance of Cooper James Fenimore [TS]

  Cooper pants we called him and so I mean [TS]

  he wouldn't have had access to these [TS]

  pants [TS]

  no he was writing about the pants it's a [TS]

  remote play yeah right exactly he was he [TS]

  was wearing dear a suede here's where [TS]

  stocks fits but these are like these are [TS]

  what the people of the forties built to [TS]

  to me to not make you have to wear a [TS]

  deerstalker tape pierced her pants right [TS]

  these listen the nineties are going to [TS]

  make the sixties look like the fifties [TS]

  I'm so sorry I uh I don't like to brag [TS]

  know who you know that about the last [TS]

  thing you like to do uh and i'm kind of [TS]

  mostly out of the the life hacks racket [TS]

  at this point but I kind of killed it [TS]

  last night [TS]

  oh you like fact I'll I fact you know I [TS]

  just the same pretty much every day [TS]

  mhm and one of the staples of my [TS]

  wardrobe is just under half a dozen of [TS]

  these american apparel long sleeve [TS]

  t-shirts [TS]

  it's a good tee shirt it's a t-shirt [TS]

  with long sleeves and it's like a [TS]

  miracle american-made in an [TS]

  american-made sweatshop [TS]

  but my problem is between bacon grease [TS]

  and bleach I end up ruining a lot of [TS]

  shirts Oh things with bleach you need [TS]

  very very very little exposure to bleach [TS]

  your be careful with bleach so I've had [TS]

  this one that I really like it's one of [TS]

  my favorites is a black one and I've had [TS]

  it for I don't know three four five [TS]

  years and it had a bleach like an orange [TS]

  orange white bleach stain on the writer [TS]

  on the abdomen but the size of a pin [TS]

  believe just big enough need to be [TS]

  noticeable and make it look like you're [TS]

  wearing a shirt with bleach on it and [TS]

  can you guess what I did em did you [TS]

  speckle the whole shirt with bleach so [TS]

  you look like a like a american apparel [TS]

  bleach leopard get over you huh [TS]

  that is good that I would be boiling the [TS]

  ocean that way although i think that's a [TS]

  good direction it was going to boil your [TS]

  if you're heavily committed to the beach [TS]

  lifestyle [TS]

  what word sharpie what all sharpie pow [TS]

  I was sitting there was like oh I [TS]

  already look so shitty as it is i'm [TS]

  wearing my pants that i always wear my [TS]

  pants that can stand on their own and I [TS]

  thought you know what I'm going to class [TS]

  it up had to go out somewhere i had to [TS]

  visit with people [TS]

  yeah and so I took a sharpie with two [TS]

  little strokes of a sharpie [TS]

  Oh nobody knows the difference that's [TS]

  wonderful isn't a life hack [TS]

  yeah that's beautiful you know I i I've [TS]

  used a sharpie for a similar purpose you [TS]

  know I have I had a leather jacket for [TS]

  many many years starting in the nineteen [TS]

  eighties this is the one with the liquid [TS]

  paper on it yeah and at a certain point [TS]

  in the early early nineties I was like [TS]

  you know this leather jacket would be [TS]

  better with some white accents so i put [TS]

  so i put wite-out on it all over it [TS]

  frankly make a skull [TS]

  no no I didn't draw it but i just went [TS]

  down all the seams you know he was sort [TS]

  of like like military tunic highlights [TS]

  yeah right like it like a little bit [TS]

  like a little bunting like that blazer [TS]

  the guy in the prisoner that's right [TS]

  except i did it with whiteout on the on [TS]

  the leather jacket and I really liked it [TS]

  just you know really you see the [TS]

  brushstrokes you see the impasto well [TS]

  yeah but I mean I did a few i did a few [TS]

  layers i used a couple of things will [TS]

  of liquid paper and then as the years [TS]

  went on so that was you know early early [TS]

  nineties for that some Soundgarden shows [TS]

  in bars you know back in the old days [TS]

  and then at a certain point along the [TS]

  way I i discovered white ink pens [TS]

  yeah and you know the the whiteout kind [TS]

  of crumble this kind of laundry marker [TS]

  you can get that is another switch [TS]

  talking about it's almost like a little [TS]

  can of paint in the shape of a pen and [TS]

  you push down on this big nib and that [TS]

  makes like it really works really well [TS]

  they're beautiful little paint things [TS]

  and some of them have a little pearl [TS]

  essence to them so I so I got one of [TS]

  those and i went over the you know the [TS]

  stuff with this this like little paint [TS]

  pen and then I was really popping then [TS]

  at a certain point in the in the two [TS]

  thousands kind of long past the point [TS]

  that i should have been wearing around [TS]

  up like a leather jacket full of flair [TS]

  your motorcycle jacket no I was like [TS]

  that's a little too flash I I kind of [TS]

  went overboard and so then I took a [TS]

  sharpie and I went back over the liquid [TS]

  paper in you know select ways so that i [TS]

  toned it down a little bit [TS]

  also it was like a cover-up that you [TS]

  yeah right and this and the Sharpie more [TS]

  or less return the jacket to to its [TS]

  original for leather color and I was [TS]

  like wow all you have to really a [TS]

  sharpie is so good for everything and I [TS]

  think I think I'm actually really i'm [TS]

  actually gonna put that jacket on the [TS]

  ebay talking about this for awhile it's [TS]

  too big for you will too big I mean it [TS]

  you know I used to wear with a sweater [TS]

  even though that's not the canonical met [TS]

  motorcycle jacket vibe that's not [TS]

  unusual though I mean like I by my doc [TS]

  martens a little bit big [TS]

  because I'm exactly between the two [TS]

  British sizes so i just know to wear [TS]

  fluffy socks [TS]

  that's just part of this part of the [TS]

  ensemble yeah yeah that was a that was [TS]

  my thinking at the time you know do at [TS]

  the time right after I mean I probably [TS]

  said this before but you know when [TS]

  you're big [TS]

  it's hard to find things that fit you [TS]

  well [TS]

  and then when you do find stuff you're [TS]

  like oh I should get the biggest uh-huh [TS]

  because you're so used to you know to [TS]

  having things that don't fit so it was [TS]

  like I got the biggest huh [TS]

  and then you know it's fine it's great [TS]

  for layering but be addressed it's you [TS]

  know that bit that the 1i where [TS]

  motorcycle jacket out now it just looks [TS]

  like a dad in a motorcycle track i hate [TS]

  hate to say that um have you done any [TS]

  more stuff to get started with the ebay [TS]

  store [TS]

  well I don't you know far be it for me [TS]

  to come on this program and talk shit [TS]

  about ebay em but I put a lot of work [TS]

  into getting my stuff up there you know [TS]

  I I did I probably did 20 items where i [TS]

  put in seven pictures and long [TS]

  descriptions of them and put in all [TS]

  their filled in all their their [TS]

  categories and then you know how you [TS]

  know I am i odd i didn't want to just [TS]

  launch it [TS]

  I wanted to kind of let it stew little [TS]

  bit and and think about it I didn't want [TS]

  to just go live because once your live [TS]

  it's it's an auction it's like you can't [TS]

  take it back [TS]

  it's running and so I didn't want to let [TS]

  the rabbits out of the gate you know in [TS]

  the big rabbit race and so I sat on it [TS]

  for a while and I thought about and I [TS]

  looked at my sat on it and it said right [TS]

  there at these things go well what [TS]

  happens that we keep these they say it [TS]

  real casual we keep these for 30 days [TS]

  uh-huh and I was like yeah well don't [TS]

  know why would you ever let why would [TS]

  you you could do a skype thing where [TS]

  like your money has gone dormant yeah [TS]

  your money gets doorman on the Internet [TS]

  yeah that doesn't mean anything because [TS]

  you go on you push a button and the [TS]

  money comes back but it must be some tax [TS]

  thing right you said he got to get off [TS]

  the books after you get off it looks it [TS]

  went dormant you push a button the money [TS]

  comes this is why I don't like banks the [TS]

  whole idea of money going dorm is very [TS]

  troubling [TS]

  mm seems like to me if it can go [TS]

  Norman it wasn't money it's well yeah [TS]

  exactly because money is fake but it was [TS]

  but you know on skype they have they've [TS]

  got me into putting I don't know how [TS]

  much i have on skype now 50 bucks or [TS]

  something like that because every time i [TS]

  go on there like you don't have any [TS]

  money on my shit alright i put more [TS]

  money in please [TS]

  what do you spend money on skype or you [TS]

  be buying like clothes for cats or [TS]

  something with no I mean I put money on [TS]

  skype because i like to call i like to [TS]

  call people in Europe ok or something [TS]

  you know i like to call people on their [TS]

  on their phones [TS]

  uh-huh skype like you can't do that you [TS]

  have to pay money for that [TS]

  so you're uh alright alright alright i [TS]

  put money in them and then they're like [TS]

  oh do you want to go over here where [TS]

  your other money was google voice I [TS]

  still have ten dollars in google voice [TS]

  and have no idea how to spend it with my [TS]

  brother puts it wasn't for sure why I [TS]

  did it [TS]

  no Suh seen some of the zero balance you [TS]

  know it's troubling yeah I don't like a [TS]

  zero balance but I also you know I also [TS]

  don't mind zero balance if it's a thing [TS]

  i'm not going to use yeah but so anyway [TS]

  just all this work to get my ebay store [TS]

  ready and then I was like you know I [TS]

  kind of wanted to have some fanfare when [TS]

  i launched it i wanted there to be a [TS]

  like maybe hire a band you know maybe [TS]

  some Rip Torn confetti you know like wow [TS]

  rip tail Rip Taylor not rip torn tendon [TS]

  him and he ripped a Larry Sanders guy [TS]

  rip torn right ACL were no way man [TS]

  retailer retailers the colorful a [TS]

  comedian with the confetti pockets and [TS]

  rip torn is the is the Hollywood actor [TS]

  oh IC ensign and Rick Rick Taylor was [TS]

  the was the guitar player for the for [TS]

  the faces no no I think it Mick Taylor [TS]

  or you might be thinking of Charles [TS]

  Nelson Reilly or or masa plea Ric Flair [TS]

  the oh it was Ric Flair that reflect Ric [TS]

  Flair was the guitars with with ronnie [TS]

  lane in the faces right [TS]

  ok so anyway so I can when I finally [TS]

  went back on my ebay store a couple of [TS]

  days ago kind of ready to I wasn't ready [TS]

  to launch it let's be honest but i [TS]

  wanted to look at it again and get more [TS]

  ready you need time to sit with it right [TS]

  as one of the units all right well like [TS]

  you say once it's up mean I I totally [TS]

  know what you mean you want to be [TS]

  purchased I'm gonna come and look at [TS]

  this am I not look at this for a while [TS]

  it's like drafting something like I want [TS]

  to spend a lot of time on this and then [TS]

  i would not think about it for [TS]

  her cell and come back i look at me just [TS]

  got a little bit like what's the hurry [TS]

  here Johnny that's right what's the [TS]

  hurry and come back a little bit later [TS]

  in the fullness of time i will know when [TS]

  this is ready [TS]

  this will tell me when it is ready yeah [TS]

  except thank you that's exactly right [TS]

  I'm not saying when the ebay store is [TS]

  ready the ebay started telling me when [TS]

  it's ready and you know when i launched [TS]

  it i want all those people that are [TS]

  interested in it to be sitting out there [TS]

  with their virtual catcher's mitts ready [TS]

  to receive the pitch their virtual money [TS]

  with their what their that's right with [TS]

  their dormant money hopefully not [TS]

  dormant money ready to reactivate the [TS]

  money to bid on the things i go back [TS]

  there and so the all the words that i [TS]

  wrote is still there which is nice i'm [TS]

  glad for that but all the pictures are [TS]

  just have great out or they've turned [TS]

  into those little those little fake like [TS]

  holy soldiers yeah Polaroid looking [TS]

  things [TS]

  polaroid looking placeholders and i'm [TS]

  searching all around and and then so I [TS]

  have a pretty new laptop let's be honest [TS]

  i bought it when I well I bought it when [TS]

  everything got stolen in the great the [TS]

  Great possible or so you've had it for [TS]

  almost exactly a year [TS]

  well I didn't buy right away so I less [TS]

  than a year now but it definitely send [TS]

  Steve Jobs died [TS]

  oh yeah host Steve Jobs one ok I mean [TS]

  it's not like it's not worth anything [TS]

  right now like those pre Steve Jobs [TS]

  remember what you got what model it is [TS]

  it's the I didn't get the air because it [TS]

  will get a macbook with one port are you [TS]

  got a macbook with more than one point I [TS]

  got that they got to get more than one [TS]

  ported okay then just want one no [TS]

  worries and Herschel is very [TS]

  controversial oh ok good good got it as [TS]

  a good computer it's a nice computer but [TS]

  so I'm doing this on the one doing this [TS]

  on the looking at my ebay and I'm like [TS]

  we're my stores go or mice my pictures [TS]

  go and then what pops up [TS]

  Oh your Adobe Flash plugin isn't current [TS]

  well because i'm using chrome sorry I [TS]

  should have said Who [TS]

  and so I can give [TS]

  shit you know some going around trying [TS]

  to update my adobe and then I get to a [TS]

  place where I'm trying to update my [TS]

  adobe and chrome says well listen if you [TS]

  update your chrome your it automatically [TS]

  update your Adobe oh and i can also i [TS]

  gotta update chrome and then I'm in [TS]

  there monkey around and it says hey [TS]

  wouldn't you like to update your OS to [TS]

  El Capitan [TS]

  oh sure I'm I don't know I guess [TS]

  yes is that the I mean when when apple [TS]

  offers you the opportunity to update [TS]

  your software that's usually a mixed bag [TS]

  of of fruits and nuts [TS]

  it's it's used to be an easier to answer [TS]

  question and I think the answer over [TS]

  time has become more complicated i think [TS]

  the answer is I'm not sure key tell me [TS]

  more about what that means [TS]

  that's right that's exactly how an [TS]

  ancient computer work faster now might [TS]

  make a computer network as much not work [TS]

  as much as exactly right and so I'm like [TS]

  that's a new it's a very new computer so [TS]

  I feel like upgrading to El Capitan is a [TS]

  thing that if this computer which is [TS]

  seven and a half months old can't handle [TS]

  it feels like that's a betrayal right [TS]

  like I'm not gonna I'm not gonna update [TS]

  my my my desktop here your little your [TS]

  little don't you like an old look just [TS]

  like an old white laptop for a long time [TS]

  i did i did i put somebody stole back [TS]

  for me in Chile oh that's the one we [TS]

  bought the photo of us on the show are [TS]

  tall is that day was searching that's [TS]

  such a beautiful computer and we really [TS]

  loved it here at the at Roderick [TS]

  Roderick group but I took it down to [TS]

  Chile and I was sitting in a i was using [TS]

  it [TS]

  let's be honest in a bus station in [TS]

  chile and somebody saw me use it and [TS]

  then I i put it in a bag and i said to [TS]

  my partner you know watch the bags and [TS]

  she said of course and i went to the [TS]

  bathroom and I came out and the it was [TS]

  gone I was like I thought you were [TS]

  watching the bags and she was like I was [TS]

  also make sure to pull over the RV [TS]

  before we get there [TS]

  but she wasn't that's right different [TS]

  partner [TS]

  oh ok good but it's a problem because [TS]

  she was playing solitaire or something [TS]

  and somebody came over and I think [TS]

  somebody probably walked by I was like [TS]

  look at that over there ideas so that so [TS]

  that is gone but you know here i'm using [TS]

  i'm using a a a 2.16 gigahertz intel [TS]

  core2duo here on this computer i'm not [TS]

  gonna put el capitan on this [TS]

  wow that's amazing yeah so I got a 4 [TS]

  gigahertz intel core i7 blue m 4 [TS]

  gigahertz hmmm can econ 102 pow wow i'm [TS]

  most excited about my graphics card [TS]

  though which is an AMD radeon r9 n 2 95 [TS]

  x with the 4096 megabytes see what this [TS]

  will even tell me what garbage want to [TS]

  go to your Apple in the upper left-hand [TS]

  hitting about this mac well I did that [TS]

  ok so this is an imac it's an intel core [TS]

  do 20 it has one processor 2 cores a4 [TS]

  megabyte l2 cache [TS]

  Wow gigabyte memory 2 gigabytes two gigs [TS]

  uh oh my goodness it's got a 632 30 to [TS]

  32 gig we do with all those gigs I guess [TS]

  you just you just you harness those up [TS]

  and ride to town they pulled every I get [TS]

  the more memory my computer gets oh i [TS]

  see that's smart [TS]

  so it says way John's here I got here I [TS]

  graphic yeah i gotta i get here's my [TS]

  chipset model ok could also ok sure it's [TS]

  a radeon x1600 that's nice that's nice [TS]

  yeah it's got 228 megabytes of vram well [TS]

  good [TS]

  it is called victory ram oh yeah I feel [TS]

  like it's got a lot of victories [TS]

  computer says hello John from cupertino [TS]

  would you like to upgrade to El Capitan [TS]

  yeah and so I go all right you guys [TS]

  you've done this to me 50 times before [TS]

  but sure sure I want to see my ebay [TS]

  pictures and I want to get I want to I [TS]

  want to make sure that the reason i [TS]

  can't see it is that adobe has decided [TS]

  that I'm [TS]

  did a new thing which they seem to do [TS]

  every week and a half and now all i [TS]

  gotta update chrome God knows I don't [TS]

  want to have the wrong chrome and that's [TS]

  like all right let's go the whole hog [TS]

  Here I am Here I am I got my pants on [TS]

  let's get the new el capitan at which [TS]

  point the computer immediately he says [TS]

  I'm gonna need an hour to think about [TS]

  this [TS]

  I'm gonna tell you it's 28 minutes but [TS]

  it's really gonna be more like an hour [TS]

  yes I think of all the improvements [TS]

  apple makes progress bar accuracy is not [TS]

  one of them [TS]

  yeah right so then I'm done I'm sitting [TS]

  there I'm like oh shit man i was already [TS]

  and now I'm duelin yes I'm sorry I'm [TS]

  spinning my thumbs [TS]

  you got something to do your unique [TS]

  needs a store up i got it i want to see [TS]

  my pics [TS]

  that's right so all this stuff happens [TS]

  like yes I got upgrade to el capit├ín [TS]

  yes I get a new I get a new chrome which [TS]

  came with a new Adobe everything checks [TS]

  out i restart the computer couple of [TS]

  times just to make sure that everything [TS]

  settled in you know you gotta shake it a [TS]

  little bit so that all the stuff settles [TS]

  to the bottom and then no i didn't [TS]

  the pictures were gone it wasn't adobe [TS]

  because the pictures i don't imagine [TS]

  that would have to do with flash who [TS]

  knows what new we shut why would we need [TS]

  to know where just the users who knows [TS]

  what flash does it's telling me all the [TS]

  time to upgrade my flash and when I do [TS]

  all it does is it makes the intrusive [TS]

  advertisements happier I can't let that [TS]

  stop you at buddy you put the flash on [TS]

  there and all of a sudden all the things [TS]

  where it was like okay play the ad now [TS]

  it's like i can play the add black so [TS]

  anyway suffice to say that ebay [TS]

  inexplicably decides after 30 days for [TS]

  no good reason that I can tell just [TS]

  because they don't want to use their [TS]

  memory because they're probably in the [TS]

  clewd and there it's like oh you're [TS]

  taking up are clued memory and somebody [TS]

  in cupertino is charging us extra extra [TS]

  virtual dollars and so it sucks [TS]

  so they don't make the pictures dormant [TS]

  they just say that they're gone [TS]

  that's so now i gotta go and put all the [TS]

  pictures back [TS]

  I can't believe these words are gonna [TS]

  come out of my mouth because i'm going [TS]

  to this is one of the things around [TS]

  going to do this phonetically so be [TS]

  patient with me [TS]

  alright okay have you thought about [TS]

  using etsy look I think Betsy might be [TS]

  more what you're looking for because [TS]

  etsy is a place where you make a little [TS]

  store i think that's what you're doing [TS]

  here [TS]

  you know you're not really doing an [TS]

  auction you're doing kind of a store i [TS]

  think well it's true except that i have [TS]

  thought about it and i think i may have [TS]

  even been contacted by somebody from [TS]

  etsy who listens to this program they're [TS]

  very good very good company [TS]

  yeah they write me a lot of stuff on [TS]

  their sites pretty wackadoodle but I I [TS]

  know a guy who's the one of the big [TS]

  shots there and he's the best [TS]

  oh nice well i will i love to go on a [TS]

  sec uh huh and say and if you kept your [TS]

  listener raise your hand high because [TS]

  you go on there and you're like Who a [TS]

  look at this somebody really this is [TS]

  nice but the thing about etsy is that [TS]

  you have to decide what the what you [TS]

  want to get for the thing and you know I [TS]

  don't want to say to somebody all this [TS]

  is worth a hundred dollars because it's [TS]

  like yeah I don't know how much of that [TS]

  how much of this thing is really where [TS]

  $75 but there's $25 of emotional [TS]

  investment that I want to get paid for [TS]

  I feel like a lot of stuff for FC is [TS]

  like yeah alright i guess $98 but I'm [TS]

  buying this thing sight unseen I can't [TS]

  try it on you put three pictures up [TS]

  there [TS]

  ninety-eight dollars if I saw em I think [TS]

  there's a way you could strategize this [TS]

  a little bit uh I first of all I mean [TS]

  like I said before I don't know anything [TS]

  about business so you take that it is [TS]

  big with a grain of salt sure but i'm [TS]

  thinking you need at least one marquee [TS]

  item but I referred to previously as [TS]

  Elizabeth Taylor's panties you need [TS]

  something you can put up that's going to [TS]

  be that's the real fish food though the [TS]

  wowzer that gets people to go like oh my [TS]

  god I've been hearing about this thing [TS]

  forever and there are five people out [TS]

  there who might actually pay a premium [TS]

  for it and then I think you get a [TS]

  handful of like medium price things in [TS]

  like [TS]

  5200 dollar range and then maybe have [TS]

  something where you've got a lot of [TS]

  something like tie tacks or cousins or [TS]

  kazoos ricci I think so for you you have [TS]

  been asking about this because why would [TS]

  you but I think you should have little [TS]

  packages you could get where you could [TS]

  you mail out you get a tie tack and [TS]

  kazoo and this but it'sit's you know AQ [TS]

  like as available but for like ten bucks [TS]

  fifteen bucks whatever you charge for [TS]

  that but i think the key is you find out [TS]

  what kind of stuff is selling stuff [TS]

  makes money what kind of stuff ends up [TS]

  being the biggest pain-in-the-ass to do [TS]

  you have a pilot program that way but [TS]

  you also you you go out of the gate you [TS]

  launch with something where we can go [TS]

  wow [TS]

  John's jacket that has cover up tattoos [TS]

  that's something i think five hundred [TS]

  dollars for well sure I but you know [TS]

  that's the big question is this thing [TS]

  worth a hundred dollars because it's got [TS]

  white out on it was worth five hundred [TS]

  dollars because it's only because you [TS]

  talked about in the program sell your [TS]

  bathrobe with them without of the Senate [TS]

  are how i did i do have I do have that [TS]

  bathrobe you know you were mentioning [TS]

  Wales last time we visited she mentioned [TS]

  recording this a little bit before will [TS]

  come out recording this arm on sometimes [TS]

  you're really going to give away the [TS]

  whole you're gonna give away otherwise [TS]

  you're gonna go look at the westin recap [TS]

  Mars and go check and see if I got the [TS]

  weather right so you know what she [TS]

  doesn't have to check because she just [TS]

  has it in her mind I don't know how deep [TS]

  a wild stuff i don't know how it works [TS]

  did she get she needs to 20 seconds to [TS]

  access data that is that in a salt mine [TS]

  in utah she pulls up some stats that are [TS]

  there are pretty precise if you're not [TS]

  if it if you're not aware of who can Mar [TS]

  Miz ladies and gentlemen that is someone [TS]

  you should research [TS]

  he's a scientologist that's my [TS]

  institution scientifiction choose the [TS]

  type of science fiction is not [TS]

  Scientology the shots I inition yeah and [TS]

  she has a laboratory and she's an artist [TS]

  that's true can I mean she's catalog [TS]

  everything you're seeing what she does [TS]

  with the next sketch i have seen well [TS]

  are you kidding me i mean that was my [TS]

  introduction to her before I even [TS]

  realized she was a she was a Scientifics [TS]

  scientist scientist ins and missed [TS]

  I I knew her primarily as an artist who [TS]

  made who made fantastic art on burnt [TS]

  toast sent me a Wilberforce one day in [TS]

  wilberforce for me just because you you [TS]

  know what I should get the Wilberforce [TS]

  I'll hang on to help people keep sending [TS]

  me gifts to give you got a whole stack [TS]

  here don't know what I would do with a [TS]

  while before so i guess i would say mr. [TS]

  connects your head phony [TS]

  isn't that what you guys do with those [TS]

  things you said and stroking with your [TS]

  thumb like a like worry beads so I'm [TS]

  anytime about talking about your store [TS]

  we were talking about [TS]

  so here's what i want i wanted what I [TS]

  want what what hot want is a guarantee [TS]

  no more attempts on my father's life all [TS]

  wrong [TS]

  good i'm the hunted one is a pimp [TS]

  oh never gonna find out outside sent to [TS]

  you it was resolved but it wasn't until [TS]

  this day that I was email along it was [TS]

  presenting alone [TS]

  hey Tom old times sake [TS]

  oh my own can you give me off sorry [TS]

  Sally I do itself yet do it [TS]

  listen as I want an excuse w can't do [TS]

  that its close-up on my arrangements [TS]

  I am I want to get an etsy store i have [TS]

  you running right now that we got what I [TS]

  was you renounce evil my god i wish i [TS]

  could make a organ chord with my mouth [TS]

  Oh using a cap marm of the weather lets [TS]

  go back we got a jumper cases we need to [TS]

  outback solve this really got sera sera [TS]

  sera que sera sera kusa that's ahead [TS]

  acoustic cool [TS]

  who'sa I don't gestate kusa so i have a [TS]

  recording of a friend of ours who's in [TS]

  Rome saying his name almost John [TS]

  satisfaction really from sent to you [TS]

  from Rome [TS]

  oh yeah direct from Rome you wait for [TS]

  this though John makes the distinction [TS]

  between the way the italian city is [TS]

  pronounced in the way his name is pretty [TS]

  well of course and no he's an [TS]

  italian-american because insurance your [TS]

  kisa sure i did i tell you i was on an [TS]

  airplane with somebody other day and I [TS]

  was like oh yeah my people are from la [TS]

  croissant and that's it Wales that's why [TS]

  we got to talking about whales yeah and [TS]

  she said she said we're and I said la [TS]

  croissance it's outside of Cardiff she [TS]

  said where I'm from Carter and I was [TS]

  like I know la croissance and she said [TS]

  oh I think I know what you're saying [TS]

  electra sont it's not that different [TS]

  and I was like electricity and she said [TS]

  no no [TS]

  la license like the French it's all one [TS]

  big parlor trick you'll never pronounce [TS]

  anything right to those people and I did [TS]

  it again love Tresor so here's what I [TS]

  don't know lot true something I just I [TS]

  was just like I just wanted to throw my [TS]

  dasani water 100ml that so that's what [TS]

  me as funny you actually nailed it I [TS]

  what I remember was what you're talking [TS]

  about whales and I went and I looked up [TS]

  the Cardiff giant which I remember doing [TS]

  an sra card on in fourth grade and the [TS]

  Cardiff giant remember part of giant is [TS]

  it some kind of gollum made out of clay [TS]

  that the Avengers the Jews I could be [TS]

  could be like that like Sammy Davis jr. [TS]

  go to go look at the Cardiff giant page [TS]

  and so this is a great hoax of the 19th [TS]

  century with this guy in cardiff found [TS]

  this would appear to be some kind of a [TS]

  body of this guy with a giant cock who [TS]

  is like 10 feet tall [TS]

  hello you always see these guys like a [TS]

  beer can and so they are and so [TS]

  basically it was revealed to be a coax [TS]

  why am I telling you this [TS]

  a CO hoax hoax that's a saving whales IC [TS]

  card box cutter well no no no no Nick [TS]

  hooks cut cock kokes so cutting down to [TS]

  where currently resides Iowa publisher [TS]

  Gordon so eventually revealed to be a [TS]

  fraud [TS]

  hold on hold on hold on I I Google's [TS]

  google Cardiff giant yeah and I've come [TS]

  up with Sarah cues Cardiff giant oh [TS]

  there's some kind of flipper Rooney this [TS]

  might be a switch them up [TS]

  look at that wikipedia page you will see [TS]

  the cock I'm looking that's in my [TS]

  display and for talking to my display in [TS]

  syracuse new york in 1869 I get you well [TS]

  i'm looking at a picture now and and [TS]

  there's a woman sitting this is this [TS]

  picture was taken in nineteen twenty or [TS]

  something [TS]

  there's a woman sitting strategically [TS]

  basically on his lap so that you cannot [TS]

  see his peanuts [TS]

  OIC the woman in the performance fleece [TS]

  no this one is in some kind of but not [TS]

  others as a dress i look at that [TS]

  oh man anyway I dimensions I mention [TS]

  this because eventually the Cardiff [TS]

  giant was acquired Iowa publisher a [TS]

  guard on a great name gardener cows [TS]

  junior bought it later to adorn his [TS]

  basement rumpus room as a coffee table [TS]

  income [TS]

  station piece rumpus room I love that [TS]

  were in 1947 sold to the farmers museum [TS]

  in Cooperstown New York we're still on [TS]

  display by the farmers museum in [TS]

  Cooperstown the second-largest second [TS]

  most famous museum in Cooperstown so [TS]

  what I'm trying to say to you is erotic [TS]

  you that jacket could be somebody's [TS]

  Cardiff giant there might be some paul [TS]

  allen type person out there that is just [TS]

  waiting for the piece to finish their [TS]

  collection you say they're going to [TS]

  mount it in a frame and put it on the [TS]

  wall of the rumpus room we could put on [TS]

  a creepy doll they could put the [TS]

  bathrobe in a seminar two bids like put [TS]

  that on a dummy i'm just saying fish [TS]

  food fish food she explorer.exe alright [TS]

  well i have explored explored see quite [TS]

  a bit and I feel like you know I've [TS]

  almost pulled the trigger on some $60 [TS]

  pocket squares before I realized the [TS]

  pocket squares were just hang keys that [TS]

  you could get a bit like 20 hankies for [TS]

  a dollar fifty and so it so I stopped I [TS]

  stopped I stopped believing in the whole [TS]

  pocket square racket [TS]

  uh-huh I i went on i'm not even going to [TS]

  say ebay anymore because it's because [TS]

  I'm getting frustrated now [TS]

  sure you don't you only given publicity [TS]

  know is much more and more people are [TS]

  going to use it when really I should be [TS]

  directing people's attention to FC long [TS]

  shield spell my name wrong [TS]

  you know what I could probably buy a cat [TS]

  mARMS toast carvings on etsy you can buy [TS]

  anything at sea but I went on I went on [TS]

  the other the other site which shall not [TS]

  be named and i ordered a thing that was [TS]

  vintage hankies from Poland and they [TS]

  came [TS]

  ok they cost me two dollars and they [TS]

  came and they were things of utmost [TS]

  beauty these polish vintage hankies that [TS]

  wow that I used now his pocket squares [TS]

  and i challenge you a challenge you to a [TS]

  find a reason why they are not also [TS]

  effective as pocket squares because [TS]

  they're gorgeous a hundred percent and [TS]

  be there from Poland and see [TS]

  fuck you you know what i mean and i see [TS]

  is always fuck you and whatever list I [TS]

  made [TS]

  when I diagram a thing a is something is [TS]

  the main thing for you know what you do [TS]

  that thing where a is and is not the [TS]

  main thing beyond amazing i want to [TS]

  start with a minor point i start out [TS]

  with the number two number two is just a [TS]

  minor point and then I want to save the [TS]

  big banger for number number a right [TS]

  because that's what you do you say to be [TS]

  minor point a then you go to a next [TS]

  major point AC C is funky [TS]

  lieutenant-colonel point lieutenant [TS]

  colonel point river was up to just look [TS]

  at regretsy no I have never even heard [TS]

  of my fortunes got an essential link to [TS]

  a tumblr that his is in its spirit other [TS]

  side called regretsy and the the deck [TS]

  the description of it was what did you [TS]

  make that with your feet and was just [TS]

  practical things you could get on etsy [TS]

  see now this is something I don't [TS]

  understand there are still webpages up [TS]

  for auto parts stores where a little [TS]

  like a little 8-bit man is down at the [TS]

  bottom waving his hand and there's some [TS]

  kind of balloons [TS]

  why the hell are those still out with [TS]

  that we're all there everything's in [TS]

  primary colors Obama those are so that's [TS]

  Obama I don't those are still up but [TS]

  regretsy is gone [TS]

  well you know maybe forget the password [TS]

  or you know you lose the account for [TS]

  some reason it's a shame it's in it's a [TS]

  known issue it's a big problem [TS]

  well here's a pug with boobs this is so [TS]

  this is a bug huh [TS]

  this is not this is a feature this is a [TS]

  bug well there's lots of reasons it can [TS]

  happen [TS]

  yeah i mean i don't understand it tho [TS]

  somewhere on the internet exists because [TS]

  the NSA is has got to have it to [TS]

  cross-reference a good point [TS]

  so have you thought about any more about [TS]

  fulfillment or you're still at the [TS]

  getting it up figuring that part out [TS]

  phase [TS]

  well my mom and I've had a big argument [TS]

  about fulfillment and and a frankly an [TS]

  ongoing argument [TS]

  yeah where I said here's what I want to [TS]

  do I want to I want to picture these [TS]

  things i want to and then I want to box [TS]

  them up and then when it's time to [TS]

  fulfill them they're already in a box we [TS]

  put a little post-it note on the box [TS]

  that tells us what's inside this this [TS]

  felt like a life hack when you got a min [TS]

  all in boxes and then the [TS]

  the they're over and like I just printed [TS]

  label and put it on ya just print off [TS]

  they go [TS]

  and she said well we don't need to put [TS]

  them in boxes let's just hang them up on [TS]

  this clothes rack and then we'll put [TS]

  them in boxes once they sell and I was [TS]

  like no listen to the life hack here [TS]

  would put them in boxes now we're [TS]

  dealing with him now put in boxes now [TS]

  put a little post-it note on it we know [TS]

  what it is and properly one-off thing [TS]

  she said I'm not know why don't we just [TS]

  hang them on this clothes hanger rack [TS]

  and I said because that's another thing [TS]

  to do [TS]

  once the things cells once the auctions [TS]

  over then you got on the clock is [TS]

  ticking at that point yeah then you [TS]

  gotta go get them and get the boxes and [TS]

  then I'm gonna you know that it's gonna [TS]

  be hard enough to print the labels out [TS]

  yeah that takes time and and thought and [TS]

  she was like nothing I was just and [TS]

  she's just she just casual basis but you [TS]

  did that thing you hate what she didn't [TS]

  exactly argue with you she just kept [TS]

  saying the same thing over yeah she just [TS]

  casual you don't like that [TS]

  dismissed the thing she was not [TS]

  acknowledging what was so great about [TS]

  the life hack [TS]

  she was just saying I don't know it'll [TS]

  be perfectly fine to just do to just [TS]

  ignore your life back and I and I said [TS]

  mom are you not listening to me this is [TS]

  a this is the thing this is the science [TS]

  here and she didn't begin [TS]

  I don't know it'll be easy we'll just [TS]

  put it on them and so I don't know I I [TS]

  asked her why are you what are you what [TS]

  advantages there to not doing this and [TS]

  she just had some big thing of like [TS]

  putting them boxes just then I just have [TS]

  a bunch of boxes sitting around [TS]

  yeah well to quote Mike Tyson everybody [TS]

  has a plan until they get punched in the [TS]

  face men so the only thing i would say [TS]

  he said that like this [TS]

  sorry that was the voice of your parents [TS]

  right [TS]

  however hardware for dim sum up all I [TS]

  could talk to care about the only [TS]

  potential flaw in OC I like your plan a [TS]

  lot because that's the way I think [TS]

  thanks you that the only potential [TS]

  downside is i think there's an extremely [TS]

  good chance that they're going to be [TS]

  people who are good people people of [TS]

  good heart [TS]

  people with actual non expired money who [TS]

  want to buy your stuff and there's a [TS]

  pretty good chance that more than one [TS]

  person is going to want more than one [TS]

  item uh and they might be frustrating to [TS]

  them to pay the full freight on two [TS]

  separate boxes if I could easily be [TS]

  combined into one but that still doesn't [TS]

  mitigate mitigate against what you're [TS]

  doing here which i think is very [TS]

  sensible getting the right size boxes [TS]

  that stuff it and I still think planning [TS]

  ahead on that is smart [TS]

  yeah I i agree with you and now that you [TS]

  say it there's every chance that someone [TS]

  will ask a question on ebay as you know [TS]

  that is a that is a feature I used ebay [TS]

  once in 1998's by some-some Vintage Air [TS]

  Jordans from something i bought a a body [TS]

  a remake of a vintage pavement shirt and [TS]

  maybe a weezer sure I think about [TS]

  payment weezer shirt m x one of those [TS]

  classic that Greenland that came ashore [TS]

  everybody had the green shirt with the [TS]

  weird device like a yellow on it [TS]

  yeah I guess so I'm sure I've seen it a [TS]

  million billion times you show aren't [TS]

  this week of paper yeah i do of payment [TS]

  do you [TS]

  we are you [TS]

  it's like how are you getting away with [TS]

  singing like that I know you can sing [TS]

  like a normal person ever sounds more [TS]

  normal over the years you just go back [TS]

  and listen to it still sounds so weird [TS]

  how do you do it I don't know how you [TS]

  can do it i don't get so high I wonder [TS]

  does he speak like an ordinary guy I [TS]

  know what it does [TS]

  well then you're my fact checking cuz [TS]

  they're good it's all amazing wonderful [TS]

  music and the fact that he sings like [TS]

  that is a major advantage to the music I [TS]

  just don't understand how you can do it [TS]

  i don't understand how you can know how [TS]

  to say and then fail to sing so utterly [TS]

  it's it's just it's so snotty instead [TS]

  this is so dismissive it sounds naughty [TS]

  and that's why the British people loved [TS]

  it because they think that snotty is [TS]

  real [TS]

  they don't like people with self-esteem [TS]

  in England I've seen this at length over [TS]

  the years I've been able to observe how [TS]

  much British people are suspicious of [TS]

  anyone who doesn't hate themselves not [TS]

  saying it's bad i'm saying that's [TS]

  important likelike really seeing that [TS]

  can help a lot [TS]

  yeah that's very interesting mhm you've [TS]

  got to hate yourself a little bit more [TS]

  well that's the thing that nobody in [TS]

  Europe likes about Americans it [TS]

  hate ourselves enough right right right [TS]

  there are they've all got cured guard in [TS]

  their water and we're out here with our [TS]

  like can-do spirit in our rabbit run [TS]

  rabbit run [TS]

  look at me i'm certain ebay store cause [TS]

  people want my used club it's probably [TS]

  really governess u.s.a America paopao [TS]

  got a bag and people here just roll [TS]

  their eyes don't you two friendly bet [TS]

  they look at the British media look at [TS]

  the British media and like how they love [TS]

  to tear down somebody like just at the [TS]

  point when they become like well-known [TS]

  got a little bit too big for their [TS]

  britches [TS]

  yep well except for Robbie [TS]

  what's-his-name well no the guy from [TS]

  that didn't that song that 1999 song [TS]

  right yeah you called her and robbie [TS]

  coltrane the cute guy that somehow is [TS]

  like fun and funny and also like got big [TS]

  in England but nobody in America has [TS]

  ever heard of him Robbie Johnson right [TS]

  look I did that song in 1999 that i [TS]

  liked i guess so yeah well enough that [TS]

  my head sounds like bittersweet symphony [TS]

  even though I know it's not [TS]

  Robby Z Robby here he said I had that [TS]

  it's good in the world come in Robin did [TS]

  that thing billions each Robin Williams [TS]

  Robbie Williams he did the thing that [TS]

  chris cornell did which is he made a [TS]

  disco album already tried he tried two [TS]

  thousand things to get big American he [TS]

  been a boy band before that's right [TS]

  Robbie Robbie Johnson Robbie Robbie [TS]

  Williams we will just be in a way and [TS]

  Bobby Williamson think I'll take that [TS]

  exactly that's become he was the Justin [TS]

  Timberlake of England but he was snarky [TS]

  he was funny he was like he was like the [TS]

  comedian that used to be fat that now is [TS]

  a drug addict or not even drug addict [TS]

  anymore now he's a post drug addict [TS]

  who's like smart and goes on American [TS]

  just one just one makes people feel bad [TS]

  makes them feel not smart enough oh uh [TS]

  huh but I think more about that [TS]

  well you know the one he was in them [TS]

  using these in all of these movies now [TS]

  he's the british guy that [TS]

  oh he remade caught between the moon and [TS]

  New York City [TS]

  oh and it wasn't any good huh just like [TS]

  when steve martin remakes the cato right [TS]

  so I'm looking for Arthur English [TS]

  fat drugs right the show yeah let's see [TS]

  what happens [TS]

  alright let's see Mycroft Holmes already [TS]

  laying know Russell Brand yeah there we [TS]

  are Russell Brand are you kidding no [TS]

  Russell Brand also branch recent you [TS]

  lots of drugs and I look weird out sure [TS]

  he's fun and funny and smart but like [TS]

  also annoying he's a he's an activist [TS]

  comedian [TS]

  oh IC needs to be with katie holmes i [TS]

  don't know exactly the Mycroft Holmes as [TS]

  far as we know Katie Holmes is the one [TS]

  that married the scientologist no no [TS]

  that's Katie alright okay so my thinking [TS]

  of Katie Barry Katie Holmes is the one [TS]

  that married the scientologist Katy [TS]

  Perry's the one that married Mycroft [TS]

  Mycroft Holmes katy perry is the one [TS]

  that looks like zooey deschanel if you [TS]

  just turn the volume up on all over [TS]

  features like you know that must drive [TS]

  her crazy well it's the opposite i went [TS]

  to a more at a ballgame with her in this [TS]

  happened i went to a mariners game with [TS]

  the with the zoe and shoot and somebody [TS]

  was like hey you're that latch the one [TS]

  you're that girl and I was like wow I'm [TS]

  surprised that that this these drunk [TS]

  guys at a baseball game know who you are [TS]

  and she was like they don't know i am [TS]

  they think I'm Katy Perry this episode [TS]

  of Roderick on the line is brought to [TS]

  you by braintree code for easy online [TS]

  payments you learn more about braintree [TS]

  right now by visiting braintree payments [TS]

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  Roderick come along [TS]

  wow really they're like you gotta hear [TS]

  that yeah you're the girl with the song [TS]

  about the girl kissing the girl was like [TS]

  just rolling her eyes like yeah thanks [TS]

  okay thank you [TS]

  she's gotten a lot well yeah it's and it [TS]

  when you put them side-by-side you're [TS]

  like I'll sure this is that dumb thing [TS]

  where it's like the kind it's like me [TS]

  and Josh rosenfeld I don't know why I [TS]

  just had sort of a trouble thanks Josh [TS]

  Roosevelt just gorgeous more but uh you [TS]

  know if you put if you did you stand [TS]

  rosenfeld me next to each other people [TS]

  like are you guys brothers are you guys [TS]

  twins separated at Birth now when you go [TS]

  what are you talking about like you know [TS]

  like Josh's from Patricia's people are [TS]

  from Poland put back to the general days [TS]

  and I'm some celt from my from all the [TS]

  way over on the seaside you guys look [TS]

  like the places that you're from very [TS]

  much we do and yet our coloring is kind [TS]

  of the same and people just like you [TS]

  guys look like brothers and so Katy [TS]

  Perry and zooey deschanel same thing [TS]

  except all the katy perry's features are [TS]

  just a little bit like bigger like pop [TS]

  no zooey deschanel got pretty big i [TS]

  think it's kind of a Barbie and skipper [TS]

  situation get the Barbie doll and you [TS]

  got skipper doll they're supposed to be [TS]

  sisters they look pretty much the same [TS]

  just was a little smaller [TS]

  I think Zoe Zoe kamikaze deschanel is [TS]

  the skipper to katy perry's Barbie [TS]

  interesting interesting uh Syria who do [TS]

  you think is taller because it raining I [TS]

  Chanel height i think that lets say katy [TS]

  perry is taller I because I feel like [TS]

  she [TS]

  as the bigger she's the bigger version [TS]

  or the Barbie right she's the one that's [TS]

  easy and this particular model yeah [TS]

  absolutely [TS]

  so is she according according to the [TS]

  internet a traditional is 56 and katy [TS]

  perry's 58 see that equips with with my [TS]

  impression [TS]

  ok and i think you're right Katy Perry [TS]

  dated Russell Brand yes and that she did [TS]

  not go very well [TS]

  well just seems crazy like like first of [TS]

  all how would you make your schedules [TS]

  work out well that's the celebrity [TS]

  problem that I don't understand how I I [TS]

  feel like they are more comfortable with [TS]

  each other celebrities sure because they [TS]

  can both check into OT like you could [TS]

  have a like if you were if you were [TS]

  dating a Zoe you can check into a hotel [TS]

  and you could be friendly and so II but [TS]

  yeah but so we would be frame me what [TS]

  I'm saying and then you would be Zoe a [TS]

  lot of showing that to switch a month [TS]

  right so people are like oh hi is there [TS]

  anyone named Zoe staying in your hotel [TS]

  and you'd say yes and then you say can I [TS]

  get their room number [TS]

  sure and then you go up the elevator and [TS]

  you knock on the door and made his door [TS]

  would open its Russell Brand oh wow I'm [TS]

  Franny right [TS]

  no I'm I'm glowing friend me listen [TS]

  granny is my father that the addition [TS]

  Elle has a sister [TS]

  yes who's also a famous television Emily [TS]

  Deschanel and she's in and she's in a [TS]

  spider-man she's in the good spider-man [TS]

  movie and she's in something called [TS]

  bones [TS]

  yeah that's right she does she's one of [TS]

  the United like she's one of the titular [TS]

  bones feel like there's a there is a [TS]

  thing i was i was at a show the other [TS]

  night when i was doing there in San [TS]

  Francisco during the sketch fest party [TS]

  and I was backstage and talk a little [TS]

  bit like Sarah Palin look-alike crossing [TS]

  sarah palin Yoda i am from Alaska it [TS]

  could see Russia from here it's part of [TS]

  our left it's part of our lexicon I was [TS]

  backstage at this at this theater party [TS]

  and several of the actresses who are all [TS]

  wonderful people have all at one time or [TS]

  another played some kind of forensic [TS]

  detective on a television [TS]

  and they were all oh and Adam Savage was [TS]

  there and he was talking about how [TS]

  Mythbusters had just ended and and these [TS]

  women who had all played forensic [TS]

  detectives some of them multiple times [TS]

  we're all commiserating with him and [TS]

  saying oh isn't that I know exactly that [TS]

  feeling when your longtime very popular [TS]

  television show has been cancelled [TS]

  it's really like losing it's like losing [TS]

  a child and they also they're all like [TS]

  all and Adams like I know it's I could [TS]

  hurt so much more than I thought and [TS]

  they're like oh when I when I lost one [TS]

  when when when like a pet detective got [TS]

  cancelled or whatever or or or when one [TS]

  like dead body show got canceled I was [TS]

  devastated or you know viscous liquid [TS]

  detection las vegas right and then I got [TS]

  you know and then you know it was great [TS]

  when I got hired on the floor special [TS]

  microscope school afraid florida-based [TS]

  fake science show as the as the pretty [TS]

  sights like you as the as the pretty [TS]

  forensic scientist who spends all the [TS]

  time work radio science ladies on TV and [TS]

  so I think emily deschanel also plays a [TS]

  pretty science lady who works in it [TS]

  works in a cold room full of cadavers [TS]

  and who every once in awhile pulls up [TS]

  some implausible thing on a computer [TS]

  screen that furthers be narrative of the [TS]

  show is the guy with the Missy t-shirt [TS]

  if you'll be able to crack the [TS]

  encryption [TS]

  well yeah she says look here i found a [TS]

  fiber and already up its turns out that [TS]

  this fiber has been to the moon i can [TS]

  tell because it has enzymes so go get [TS]

  the killer he found the number of [TS]

  chemicals in the environment they were [TS]

  chemicals in the environment that could [TS]

  not be replicated got the way for the [TS]

  assay to come back to the lab so and I [TS]

  honestly I have not seen the show maybe [TS]

  emily deschanel is the is the detective [TS]

  in the dirty t3 the bone [TS]

  it's called the basic bones right I [TS]

  think she's the titular bone [TS]

  she's probably she's probably the boat [TS]

  maybe she's married to mr. mrs. bone and [TS]

  just called bones [TS]

  hmm could be that would be a clever very [TS]

  clever thing right because [TS]

  probably it was probably a doctor who's [TS]

  the other bones it was was it somebody [TS]

  on MASH oh uh your Trapper John you got [TS]

  uh get bonuses on the star trek old [TS]

  bones right course but he's not he's a [TS]

  doctor [TS]

  yeah he's a real worm sure Jim whatever [TS]

  i think i'm getting better at the drums [TS]

  well that's a really complicated stupid [TS]

  joke that's very good call me dr. bones [TS]

  yep they call me dr. bones I can handle [TS]

  criticism through your bones impression [TS]

  very well now it's alright it's a ram a [TS]

  real doctor [TS]

  there are no real work i'm an actual [TS]

  worm I live like a worm [TS]

  I i'm gonna get at regretsy yes there is [TS]

  a there's a knitted glove [TS]

  yeah meant for two letters to hold hands [TS]

  in [TS]

  that's right it's like oh we want to [TS]

  hold hands but we also want to wear [TS]

  gloves but we don't want to hold glove [TS]

  hand gloved hands we want to touch each [TS]

  other's going natural hand skins a [TS]

  little German in German get it's been [TS]

  it's very its crew repeat feels a little [TS]

  bit like what was the movie where Robert [TS]

  Duvall had to have sex with his wife [TS]

  through a sheet [TS]

  oh the princess bride no model top it [TS]

  they could sell it feels a little bit [TS]

  like that [TS]

  uh-huh like if you have to have sex [TS]

  through a sheet because of here because [TS]

  you're a member of a patriarchal [TS]

  religious cult then uh then you would [TS]

  also want a hand knitted glove to hold [TS]

  hands but not visibly not i think it [TS]

  feels German I mean the first direction [TS]

  of entering the body parts feels like a [TS]

  very German concept to me also being [TS]

  cozy [TS]

  yeah we like to become aware and Germans [TS]

  do like to be cozy let's be honest yeah [TS]

  or this site is just full of woe [TS]

  chocolate Turkey on a pretzel rod like [TS]

  that guy huh what [TS]

  yep nation's business is brown sure John [TS]

  so anyway yeah i used to watch shows [TS]

  like that you know [TS]

  when my wife got large with child we had [TS]

  to stop watching a lot of TV shows about [TS]

  crime and it's suffering and in [TS]

  particular for some reason up 2007 we [TS]

  used to watch a show called law and [TS]

  order special victims unit [TS]

  mhm and we used to watch a live but I've [TS]

  been a big line order fan for 20 years I [TS]

  didn't watch it all the time like was [TS]

  working at be watching any at home all [TS]

  day I but special victims unit is is [TS]

  horrible [TS]

  like what happens on that show is [TS]

  horrible the acting is horrible and it's [TS]

  just all about innocent people being [TS]

  sexually exploited well this is a [TS]

  question i had for a long time does [TS]

  special modify unit or the special [TS]

  modified the victim [TS]

  that's a round of questions especially [TS]

  like the unit that takes care of Special [TS]

  Victims would be would be Debbie pretty [TS]

  fun [TS]

  well it's a special unit I've always [TS]

  felt like it's it's a special unit that [TS]

  that takes care of victory I think it's [TS]

  the victims unit that is special but a [TS]

  you know for Special Victims would be [TS]

  very interesting so your starbucks [TS]

  special events poets it so there are [TS]

  normal victims units and then this is [TS]

  the special victim unit that's what [TS]

  you're saying [TS]

  so special modifies victim looks for any [TS]

  variety of let's get up [TS]

  it's ok alright we've gotten better [TS]

  they've gotten better over the years [TS]

  yeah we have we can get off things now I [TS]

  went back and now is singing to a couple [TS]

  of episodes recently and wow we packed a [TS]

  lot of stuff in at the beginning is a [TS]

  lot of Crow talk is where you first [TS]

  introduce me to hydrogen peroxide mean [TS]

  it's all in there when you first told me [TS]

  about crows well this is the thing I I [TS]

  have become now a place for people to [TS]

  send things about crows and I don't [TS]

  technically makes you a post office box [TS]

  i think i don't know i don't know mice i [TS]

  am become post office like like I i [TS]

  think the presumption is that there is [TS]

  stuff about crows happening on the [TS]

  internet that I haven't already seen [TS]

  right like if it's about crows and it's [TS]

  on the Internet [TS]

  oh I've seen it but I but there's always [TS]

  this steady trickle of like oh my god [TS]

  did you see this one about the crow that [TS]

  brings gifts to the little girl [TS]

  yes i did did you see the one about the [TS]

  crows yes I saw that [TS]

  what about the credit yes I saw that and [TS]

  so most recently [TS]

  the thing about crows uh about crows [TS]

  like some shit now I'm blanking on what [TS]

  the crows do it only has a link picture [TS]

  and send it to John they have they hold [TS]

  grudges are you know that they are what [TS]

  is it [TS]

  oh no it's that they're paranoid crows [TS]

  are paranoid because you're paranoid [TS]

  right if they so it's not just that [TS]

  they're cautious but there they have an [TS]

  abundance of caution may be based on [TS]

  that much are well as earn that people [TS]

  are out to get them [TS]

  I think they have concerned I think that [TS]

  they feel like if they if you know where [TS]

  their shit is they behave differently [TS]

  than if you don't know where their shit [TS]

  I'll account like a meth user that's [TS]

  right like if they if they have hidden [TS]

  their shit if they have hidden their [TS]

  light under the portico math right right [TS]

  if they put chrome a thunder a bushel [TS]

  then that's fine but if they feel like [TS]

  you were watching them when they put [TS]

  their they put their a mess under a [TS]

  bushel never feel safe again [TS]

  no no they don't feel good and that me [TS]

  means that if they're doing that with [TS]

  their with their math they're doing that [TS]

  all the time they're aluminum foil that [TS]

  baseball caps the popcorn chicken any of [TS]

  the things that they've been gathering [TS]

  but also I feel like that I feel like [TS]

  the messages that they are sitting there [TS]

  they're tripping on you all the time and [TS]

  this is what I've been saying to people [TS]

  for years when you walk out of the house [TS]

  the crows are watching you and they are [TS]

  marking what you're doing and they're [TS]

  just they're judging you and they're [TS]

  deciding about you and you had better [TS]

  you'd better treat somebody somebody [TS]

  wrote me the other day and it was a it [TS]

  was an interesting email he was like I [TS]

  think I've offended the crows now what [TS]

  do i do and i said tell me more [TS]

  and he said well I had some you know I'd [TS]

  you know I through mcdonalds bag and [TS]

  more I did something I disrespected them [TS]

  and now I feel like they're watching me [TS]

  all the time and I was like yeah well [TS]

  you're right they are watching you now [TS]

  and the only thing you can't apologize [TS]

  because they won't accept it [TS]

  the only thing you can do is start just [TS]

  start very patiently just being like [TS]

  Hello crows sorry hello I see you I see [TS]

  you crows and just work your way slowly [TS]

  back to a place where they are going to [TS]

  one day all come down your chimney [TS]

  whatever it is that they've got in store [TS]

  for you but anyway so yeah people are [TS]

  like grows there did you see this crow [TS]

  like fucking saw the crow dudes i'm on i [TS]

  mean i got a google search Google Alert [TS]

  and you'd mentioned in this episode also [TS]

  that the the thing where you and your [TS]

  mom had gotten into cars to try and [TS]

  figure out where the crows go oh yeah [TS]

  when I mean let's just take it as read [TS]

  the crows are very protective [TS]

  at the very least about where they live [TS]

  so if you found there where they hide [TS]

  their meth and you can kind of like [TS]

  triangulate where they probably live and [TS]

  use the math me think what that's going [TS]

  to do acro and they're going to pass [TS]

  them on from generation to generation to [TS]

  self the selfish gene isn't moving on [TS]

  it's like it's like you put cheetos out [TS]

  in a snow covered parking lot trying to [TS]

  capture crow in a in a basket [TS]

  yeah you're never first of all they're [TS]

  never going to eat a Cheeto again [TS]

  nothing to grow in the world it's in [TS]

  every basket all kinds of basically cnet [TS]

  guns they see many maths yeah because [TS]

  crows I feel like crows have spooky [TS]

  action at a distance and everything [TS]

  aligns this one way right there are [TS]

  curved there are crows in pasadena that [TS]

  no not to eat a Cheeto because there's [TS]

  somebody somebody had a basket back and [TS]

  maybe like a Boston well or or Alaska [TS]

  where lies chased him around with the [TS]

  with a mask on throne cheetos out but I [TS]

  yeah so I love the fact that you are [TS]

  going back and listening to the archives [TS]

  I feel like there's a tremendous amount [TS]

  of information there but i've never [TS]

  listened to our program so i don't know [TS]

  i don't know what it could be like I you [TS]

  know for a long time I was hoping that [TS]

  people would transcribe them because I [TS]

  do like reading our program i like to [TS]

  sense [TS]

  let's that's so strange why is that's [TS]

  right that's like sending somebody [TS]

  sending you like that like the [TS]

  transcript of sexual intercourse I mean [TS]

  like you might get all the facts right [TS]

  but you're kind of missing the feeling [TS]

  have you never read a transcript of [TS]

  sexual intercourse and a lot of [TS]

  transcripts of sexual intercourse idol [TS]

  summarize some free from depositions [TS]

  yeah I like a transcript because I feel [TS]

  like I feel like there's a kind of court [TS]

  reporter what I like to do is go through [TS]

  a transcript and figure out all the ways [TS]

  in which the transcriber has [TS]

  miss read or misjudged some strange [TS]

  little reference you're making and then [TS]

  the strange pivot that I make off of the [TS]

  strange and then you take the pivot and [TS]

  run it in for a touchdown [TS]

  except right before you that then you [TS]

  get to get blindsided tackled by a buyer [TS]

  some other football player that I have [TS]

  put on the field but yeah it's like an [TS]

  ordinary think about the way you make a [TS]

  dish to to make people they can see all [TS]

  the ingredients on the table you using [TS]

  on you know you're preparing the food [TS]

  you put all the ingredients in your cook [TS]

  eat it like you might be able to [TS]

  identify those ingredients but in this [TS]

  case they're eating a meal where they [TS]

  still haven't found the salt right or [TS]

  get in there it well it might be in [TS]

  there but they don't they don't read it [TS]

  is salt they're missing it's almost like [TS]

  they're eating a different dish because [TS]

  they can't know what all the ingredients [TS]

  are and one of those ingredients i'm not [TS]

  using a lot of it but that could just be [TS]

  a little bit in there it's some kind of [TS]

  Szechuan a battery acid [TS]

  [Music] [TS]

  [Music] [TS]

  hmm could be a situation which one such [TS]

  a pepper which one [TS]

  so but this is I feel like reading [TS]

  transcripts of our show is in the same [TS]

  family of a behaviour as religiously [TS]

  reading movie reviews for movies i will [TS]

  never see i like that i like doing that [TS]

  oh yeah i've read i read the reviews [TS]

  sometimes multiple reviews of movies i [TS]

  would not see if you paid me a hundred [TS]

  dollars but i love reading the review of [TS]

  them i'll go in a couple times a year [TS]

  and go to that page with all of the [TS]

  movies that Roger Ebert gave like half [TS]

  star or less 2010 is those you want to [TS]

  seeby but really came into his own in [TS]

  his later years but boy you can you can [TS]

  find some really good ebert in there i [TS]

  have never done that and you know I like [TS]

  a good ebert he's great what's the one [TS]

  with the junction voltage movie the [TS]

  Scientology movie where he's an alien [TS]

  that Atlas case book is coming out all [TS]

  the dread little battle royale at all [TS]

  japanese movie i don't know i thought i [TS]

  was the first James Bond reboot at a [TS]

  rally I don't die right now right out [TS]

  yeah 3 steps over the Komodo dragon [TS]

  wilshire that's where the guy with [TS]

  pleating it's the bleeding i bleeding I [TS]

  got a guy eats people on TV so I feel [TS]

  like I people shit battlefield battle [TS]

  shadows ship battleship field [TS]

  Battlefield Earth battlefield earth and [TS]

  I felt like he looked like one of the [TS]

  people from the later matrix movies huh [TS]

  except in the later matrix movies they [TS]

  were the heroes and in the battlefield [TS]

  earth he was the bad guy and he's [TS]

  supposed to be like 10 feet tall so he's [TS]

  wearing like Frankenstein she's so [TS]

  forest whitaker all they dragged him for [TS]

  porsche 944 striker was the movie where [TS]

  he was the weird uh he was the weird [TS]

  like Brooklyn ninja [TS]

  Oh Brooklyn ninja he was a Brooklyn [TS]

  ninja forest whitaker oh that's not [TS]

  understand kind of an independent spirit [TS]

  award movie [TS]

  oh-huh have to think about that I don't [TS]

  think I know that one you should we are [TS]

  you watching that oj simpson movie and [TS]

  watching it on the TV [TS]

  no is it good that's terrible i'm sorry [TS]

  i'm still watching jessica jones good [TS]

  show [TS]

  yeah John Travolta produced this it [TS]

  appears in as Robert Shapiro [TS]

  and the makeup is exquisite John [TS]

  Travolta is is Robert Shapiro hmm I like [TS]

  that [TS]

  I'll see my photo here yeah the cats its [TS]

  fullest on casting hilarious done [TS]

  casting I like who else is in it like oh [TS]

  uh the guy the other guy from Law & [TS]

  Order uh that guy like the [TS]

  african-american guy he plays I Johnnie [TS]

  Cochran David Schwimmer from the Friends [TS]

  program like that is Robert Kardashian [TS]

  are you talking about [TS]

  iced tea oh no good pull though Kourtney [TS]

  be Vance i said i'm thinking of icy but [TS]

  that is a special victims unit iced tea [TS]

  is Special Victims Unit [TS]

  oh yeah he's one comes in like he's the [TS]

  one that's the term in TV trips where [TS]

  they call it i think it's called like [TS]

  something like as you know John or as [TS]

  you know Bob he does a lot of the as you [TS]

  know bob is that sort of like him [TS]

  actually it's a well it's it's a [TS]

  terrible form of exposition that [TS]

  involves one person talking to someone [TS]

  else about something they both have [TS]

  always known about for a long time for [TS]

  the benefit of the office [TS]

  all right let you know Bob the fourth [TS]

  the photon torpedo has to cool off for [TS]

  20 minutes before it can be used again [TS]

  right as you know Bob that uh that time [TS]

  that we did that thing it was this thing [TS]

  that you already know [TS]

  yeah um I feel like do you remember when [TS]

  ice tea was authentically a [TS]

  authentically a real dangerous i [TS]

  remember when i ste the brief period [TS]

  where i stayed put out a song that made [TS]

  him i think arguably for a while the [TS]

  most hated and most feared man in [TS]

  America right he was he was a cause he [TS]

  was yet he was popular he was he was [TS]

  like basically i need people today we're [TS]

  not around this happen [TS]

  you have no idea like the uproar that [TS]

  that song cause and he defiantly stared [TS]

  it down like the the PMRC the parents [TS]

  research a mania council got so al [TS]

  gore's wife got so up in arms about cop [TS]

  killer and cops across America were [TS]

  understandably mad and ice-t just stared [TS]

  them all down [TS]

  staring him in the face it was like fuck [TS]

  you it was very bold and very of the [TS]

  time and he was a tough character and [TS]

  now he's the sul Bob on the TV show and [TS]

  an LL Cool J is making weird country [TS]

  song oh yeah game McKay that's that [TS]

  thing where they go after women in media [TS]

  and technology i actually know bob oh [TS]

  bob that's sweeping the Internet [TS]

  oh yeah I heard about this there is [TS]

  actually one that's not actually about [TS]

  some people that I know who got a lot of [TS]

  grief from the gamergate people they did [TS]

  they did a law-and-order about it and [TS]

  they it starts out with them going to [TS]

  look a game convention it's it's the [TS]

  first law and order I've watched [TS]

  probably seven or eight years and it was [TS]

  really funny but [TS]

  ripped-from-the-headlines as you know [TS]

  Bob uh-huh [TS]

  furries are not all [TS]

  oh yeah but about sey magazine or is it [TS]

  like normal people but they like [TS]

  dressing up like and suddenly i think i [TS]

  might be judgmental difference [TS]

  yeah your car ready gotta I feel [TS]

  oh my god here is on here is on missing [TS]

  regretsy a a cozy koozie for a turtle [TS]

  that makes turtle look like a roast [TS]

  turkey that's lap and that's sweet [TS]

  oh oh shit that reminds me Merlin I i [TS]

  had a very hippie experience recently i [TS]

  was in hawaii on Maui as you know down a [TS]

  little bit south kihei and i was i was [TS]

  going snorkeling and you may not know [TS]

  this about me but I've been snorkeling [TS]

  quite a bit i like to snorkel it's [TS]

  wonderful because you feel like you're [TS]

  flying in another world [TS]

  you feel like you're on that movie where [TS]

  the big blue people fly around and you [TS]

  can inhabit a [TS]

  blue person you know all we talked about [TS]

  the avatar yeah everything that you [TS]

  inhabit a blue person and then you can [TS]

  fly around and I think you have a [TS]

  springy tail like bigger something like [TS]

  that sounds adorable [TS]

  it's really one that's what scuba diving [TS]

  is like it's like being taken under [TS]

  water yeah you spring around on a coiled [TS]

  tail you know diggers are diggers or [TS]

  whatever i don't remember what two [TS]

  wonderful thing about tiggers your [TS]

  tickets are wonderful things there you [TS]

  go exactly and so that as far as I can [TS]

  recall that was the premise of avatar [TS]

  but I so I was in so i was in the water [TS]

  and I love to be first of all in the [TS]

  water and second of all us scuba-dives [TS]

  so snorkeling because it's like flying [TS]

  and fish come up and look at you then [TS]

  they they do they just look right at you [TS]

  you're like Hello and made they don't [TS]

  say hello [TS]

  they don't they don't speak but they are [TS]

  that but it's extraordinary to be in [TS]

  their world but in any case I don't like [TS]

  to snorkel in rough water because i'm a [TS]

  little bit of a panicky snorkeler ok [TS]

  because it's a it's a foreign [TS]

  environment and I and I'm very custom to [TS]

  breathing air and I like to breathe air [TS]

  and I don't like to breathe the water [TS]

  and so I like very calm seas and every [TS]

  time I put a snorkel on I have to kind [TS]

  of put my head under the water feel some [TS]

  panic back off then do it again feel [TS]

  less panic and then pull my head out of [TS]

  the water make some jocular comment to [TS]

  know what in particular and then put my [TS]

  face back down in the water regulate my [TS]

  breathing get calm and then then start [TS]

  to fly but there have been several times [TS]

  when I've been snorkeling in rough water [TS]

  and water is coming in my hose and I'm [TS]

  bouncing up and down and I and I can't [TS]

  overcome [TS]

  I can't get my breathing straight and I [TS]

  can't overcome the panic [TS]

  so anyway I'm out our month snorkeling [TS]

  on this reef and I and I panic and I'm [TS]

  way way out [TS]

  I've gone too far because i hadn't yet [TS]

  regulated my panic [TS]

  I was just like oh yeah i'll get out [TS]

  master this and I head out way out and [TS]

  then I realized I haven't [TS]

  mastered it and I start to you know and [TS]

  i started the panic starts to rise and [TS]

  it's not like I'm scuba diving you know [TS]

  it's not like I'm gonna it's not like [TS]

  that panic is going to cause me to die [TS]

  but I start to panic and then panic [TS]

  compounds upon itself and now i'm now [TS]

  I'm freaking out [TS]

  mm and I pop my head up out of the water [TS]

  because I'm because i don't like because [TS]

  I'm hyperventilating through a tube [TS]

  which I don't know if you've done that [TS]

  recently but it's that's not the way to [TS]

  hyperventilate [TS]

  mmm i thought my head up and I realize [TS]

  I'm a long way from sure and I so I'm [TS]

  like got to get back to shore [TS]

  this is a bad situation now I'm [TS]

  panicking and I'm a long way away from [TS]

  shore and I start to swim to the shore [TS]

  but I don't want to put my head back in [TS]

  the water I don't want to put it in the [TS]

  tube [TS]

  I'm just like now I'm dog paddling and [TS]

  I've got flippers on but the tide is [TS]

  moving in such a way that I'm I'm [TS]

  paddling to the shore and I appear not [TS]

  to be making any progress [TS]

  I appear actually to be I feel like I'm [TS]

  being pulled out by the under toad I'm [TS]

  pushing and pushing and now i'm really [TS]

  starting to panic because now I'm tired [TS]

  and I'm flailing and I say like put your [TS]

  put the two back in at least you can [TS]

  breathe through the tube but I don't [TS]

  want to be in the tube I'm [TS]

  hyperventilating I'm panicking I'm I'm [TS]

  swimming and and its skin out scared [TS]

  oh my god and so I a safe i get tired [TS]

  enough and scared enough that I roll [TS]

  over on my back because I've learned [TS]

  that you can't leave roll over in the [TS]

  back you can at least float along and [TS]

  try and regulate your breathing but I [TS]

  just can't I just can't I cannot get [TS]

  calm and open because the way it's a by [TS]

  see right the waves are crashing and I [TS]

  just don't you know i'm just not i don't [TS]

  like to be in that I'm have if i'm on a [TS]

  boogie board i love to be in that but [TS]

  I'm gonna start all over [TS]

  so barely make it back to shore and I [TS]

  get there somehow [TS]

  I'm heaving and I and you know all the [TS]

  people that are there on the beach [TS]

  trying to have a nice time with their [TS]

  kid are suddenly dealing with this like [TS]

  ectoplasm that's washed up on shore some [TS]

  dead whale [TS]

  that's done it's still wheezing a little [TS]

  bit like that you are an analogy or [TS]

  something on me I'm the bio cat whale in [TS]

  this and so I'm scared all the kids we [TS]

  were having such a nice day having such [TS]

  a nice day and then this guy decided he [TS]

  was gonna snorkel and he couldn't handle [TS]

  it and so it's awful and so I get back [TS]

  in and now not only am I [TS]

  hyperventilating and panicking and feel [TS]

  like I almost drowned but now I'm [TS]

  covered in shame because this is a [TS]

  simple little while layout snorkel beach [TS]

  and daddy can't fucking get his shit [TS]

  together and daddy had a panic attack [TS]

  oh god I'm so sorry couldn't swim I was [TS]

  been so the next day [TS]

  fast forward to the next day and I'm [TS]

  just like I'm I'm a mad at the ocean and [TS]

  I'm more than being mad at the ocean mad [TS]

  at myself and I'm like listen you cannot [TS]

  let yourself [TS]

  this cannot be the missing you can't go [TS]

  back into the real world with this have [TS]

  it hanging over your head because you [TS]

  like to go find the horse and get back [TS]

  on it [TS]

  that's right you like to snorkel you [TS]

  need to get back on this horse and so I [TS]

  go down to the beach and I'm like how [TS]

  the waves are big and I'm gonna boogie [TS]

  board [TS]

  I like to boogie board and I don't feel [TS]

  worried about the waves even when they [TS]

  tangle me all up i do that for a while [TS]

  then I'm like alright your snorkel [TS]

  sitting over there on the beach you [TS]

  gotta get back on the horse and I put it [TS]

  on my go over to a different part of the [TS]

  beach and I do my like three or four [TS]

  times putting the putting my head in the [TS]

  water and then I'm then I get trapped in [TS]

  some like adjust my face mask OCD where [TS]

  I'm standing there like chest deep in [TS]

  one or adjusting my face mask for 20 [TS]

  minutes because I don't wanna I don't [TS]

  wanna put my face in your head still not [TS]

  really in the game not in the game but [TS]

  I'm like listen you got it you got to [TS]

  get right here got your right with Jesus [TS]

  who so i finally finally kinda ok here [TS]

  we go and put my face in the water and [TS]

  I'm like [TS]

  oh I'm breathing a little bit too heavy [TS]

  i'm not in a column space but I'm not [TS]

  panicking I'm like listen you know i'm [TS]

  i'm i'm a little hard on myself here in [TS]

  like you know you figure this out like [TS]

  don't go back out here when you're [TS]

  panicking but don't you go back to the [TS]

  beach either so you get regulated and I [TS]

  get out there and I start paddling and [TS]

  I'm like you're fine you're fine and I'm [TS]

  breathing fine and I get out there to [TS]

  the reef and I'm looking around and I [TS]

  see some free stuff some corn some [TS]

  starfish and some fish to come look at [TS]

  you and it's like okay this is all fine [TS]

  I did it [TS]

  I'm fine i have i've conquered the thing [TS]

  and I'm still breathing a little heavy [TS]

  and i'm still not feeling comfortable [TS]

  out here but I I got back on the horse [TS]

  so now you can now you can go back to [TS]

  the beach like your you paid your dues [TS]

  here and rather than go into the beach [TS]

  by the by the reef where the waves are [TS]

  crashing I can't swim out a lot of [TS]

  parallel to the beach where there's [TS]

  nothing to see it's just sand on the [TS]

  bottom and I'm kind of just floating [TS]

  along it's like I'm done looking at [TS]

  stuff I'm just trying to get back to the [TS]

  beach and keep my breathing column and [TS]

  I'm just flown over sand and then out of [TS]

  the gloaming I see a swimmer coming to [TS]

  me and there's a lot of other swimmers [TS]

  out there so I'm like here comes a [TS]

  swimmer that actually you know that's [TS]

  calming it means that there's another [TS]

  person that is surviving this experience [TS]

  and then I am watching the swimmer and [TS]

  then out of the gloaming comes the [TS]

  swimmer and it is a giant tortoise as [TS]

  big as me are you kidding [TS]

  a tortoise that is six foot in [TS]

  circumference and he is swimming with [TS]

  his tortoise wings slowly and chill and [TS]

  he looks at me and I'm like [TS]

  whoa and instantly my breathing just [TS]

  goes to like oh and then all of a sudden [TS]

  I can hear the whale song their whales [TS]

  all around us and I'm hearing over here [TS]

  whoa whoo all this fucking whale singing [TS]

  and I wasn't hearing before because I [TS]

  was breathing so hard and this Turtles [TS]

  super-slow-mo and he turns just a little [TS]

  bit and just come straight at me head-on [TS]

  and I'm like what are you doing guy and [TS]

  as he gets closer i see that he's you [TS]

  know he's enormous and he by choice [TS]

  there's a whole ocean that he could be [TS]

  in uh huh [TS]

  he flies directly underneath me and six [TS]

  inches away so that I'm like what is he [TS]

  gonna nibble on my peanuts [TS]

  what's his plan and he just goes right [TS]

  underneath be like like send me some [TS]

  turtle love or something and I'm looking [TS]

  at his big she'll go underneath me like [TS]

  I'm like it's the opening of Star Wars [TS]

  turtle crawl and so we're talking about [TS]

  a we're talking about how the Empire's [TS]

  in a trade dispute [TS]

  that's right and so then I flip around [TS]

  and I get up alongside of him and my [TS]

  kicking and and floating can match his [TS]

  like we're swimming side-by-side and [TS]

  he's flapping his wings and so I started [TS]

  flapping my wings which our hands for [TS]

  her in sync with him and we sail [TS]

  together in this like and he's looking [TS]

  at me and I'm looking at him and he's [TS]

  fine with this and I'm fine with it [TS]

  we're groovin and we swim all the way [TS]

  back across the beach together and I I'm [TS]

  taking about one breath a minute at this [TS]

  point I'm just like [TS]

  I mean all panic in at all panic that I [TS]

  ever felt has disappeared to panic about [TS]

  seventh-grade math tests is gone [TS]

  Wow and I'm hearing like whales all [TS]

  around us in the in the tortoises [TS]

  hearing the whales he hears that [TS]

  everyday it's no big deal to him and he [TS]

  flies me back over to the reef where I [TS]

  had been kind of hesitating and scared [TS]

  and just like okay I see the reef [TS]

  alright alright alright and he flies me [TS]

  then into the reef like in like over it [TS]

  and into the canyons of the reef [TS]

  well now i'm just following him and he [TS]

  stops every once in awhile really stop [TS]

  but he like bends down and eat some [TS]

  little bit of something off the off the [TS]

  ground off the reef and I'm just right [TS]

  behind him and then he flies me over and [TS]

  there's another tortoise this is the [TS]

  mama tortoise is smaller than me and [TS]

  then the big guy kind of takes off and [TS]

  he's like hands me off and now i'm [TS]

  flying with the momma tortoise and so I [TS]

  do this for a while and I'm like the [TS]

  waves are still kind of crashing and I'm [TS]

  like okay now something now this has [TS]

  been something and so I bid you a gia [TS]

  totus tortoises because you've got your [TS]

  own lives to lead and I head back off [TS]

  the reef and I go again back out across [TS]

  the sand to get parallel to the beach so [TS]

  that i can turn and go into the beach [TS]

  because I'm like not going to get any [TS]

  better than that [TS]

  that was some heavy-ass tortoise like [TS]

  connection where the tortoise said [TS]

  somebody's freaking out and I'm gonna go [TS]

  and have a tortoise intervention that's [TS]

  right I'm just gonna go interview i'm [TS]

  going to take a moment to calm him down [TS]

  and I'm going to tell them out and take [TS]

  him over the reef with me so I'm [TS]

  floating out swimming along back along [TS]

  the beach just thinking about what [TS]

  happened [TS]

  listening to the whale song and then out [TS]

  of the gloaming comes another giant [TS]

  tortoise at the same place that I met [TS]

  the previous torques [TS]

  and this tortoise flies underneath me [TS]

  and basically says would you care to [TS]

  join me on a trip back to the reef and i [TS]

  say i would and so I turn around and [TS]

  this tortoise and I fly together all the [TS]

  way across the now I'm taking about a [TS]

  breath an hour just like all is right [TS]

  with the world [TS]

  these tortoises are doing some heavy [TS]

  they're doing some heavy lifting with me [TS]

  and this tortoise the second one [TS]

  actually appears to be syncing up its [TS]

  movements with me [TS]

  whoa so it's like rd are you going to [TS]

  flap here i'm gonna flap with you and [TS]

  we're looking at each other and just [TS]

  cold chillin i go back to the reef with [TS]

  that towards that towards kind of [TS]

  interacts with the momma tortoise some [TS]

  tortoise way and so in a all told at [TS]

  this point I've been out there an hour [TS]

  plus you know just like just family's [TS]

  been worried about you [TS]

  well you know I think you can look out [TS]

  and see well I mean from the beach you [TS]

  look out it's like is that is that [TS]

  little stick sticking out of the water [TS]

  my guy or is it some other guy and but [TS]

  you know they don't really worry about [TS]

  me they figure that either i'm going to [TS]

  live for a minute I'm yeah yeah so I [TS]

  finally get back to the beach and i'm in [TS]

  this state of of what I can only [TS]

  describe as like total happiness where I [TS]

  get out and I'm just like well man I [TS]

  mean it's like whoa [TS]

  and then I go like that afternoon I go [TS]

  to the grocery store to get some food [TS]

  and there's some little cheese ball like [TS]

  tortoise candy dish carved out of coal [TS]

  wood or something on sale at the grocery [TS]

  store some real tourist crapolla stuff i [TS]

  see it at thrift stores all the time for [TS]

  ninety-nine cents and I don't buy but I [TS]

  look at this little cold would tortoise [TS]

  and it looks just like my tortoise [TS]

  wow it's got the little it's got his [TS]

  little face [TS]

  I'm like I got to have this and so now [TS]

  i'm buying now i'm such a hippie that [TS]

  i'm buying tortoise crapolla [TS]

  because i wanna i want to stay I want to [TS]

  stay connected to this guy [TS]

  don't breathe once a minute again now [TS]

  and so i bought this thing and now it's [TS]

  sitting on my piano for the keys i look [TS]

  at it every day I'm like what a piece of [TS]

  crap that is but it looks like my guy [TS]

  looks like my spirit tortoise mm-hmm [TS]

  and now I just don't know anything i [TS]

  don't know i don't know anything what an [TS]

  experience [TS]

  yeah yeah I'm some guy i was there was [TS]

  there's pre tourists in this post [TS]

  tortoise [TS]

  well the story's got lots of parts to it [TS]

  I mean there's the the scary part about [TS]

  how you're having some trouble in the [TS]

  water street got a little crazy yeah [TS]

  when you were approached by a giant [TS]

  tortoise but i think the story that's [TS]

  especially when you were handed off to a [TS]

  second tortoise right hand it off like [TS]

  we go we talk about hot mind I mean [TS]

  there's something going on there they [TS]

  you know they're like are they must be [TS]

  like the Coast Guard the turtle Coast [TS]

  Guard well they're old right so they [TS]

  know the deal [TS]

  they've seen every kind of thing and you [TS]

  know they they watch the attack ships [TS]

  burn off the shoulder of Orion [TS]

  absolutely and so this guy i don't know [TS]

  what he was doing he was sitting on the [TS]

  bottom or he was way way off from the [TS]

  refuse to internal business while these [TS]

  Turtles out the Hawaii turtle on google [TS]

  images and they look at the is a kind of [TS]

  little sort of leopard spotty face its [TS]

  body [TS]

  ah they're amazing looking they are [TS]

  amazing they they really do look like [TS]

  fantastical creatures [TS]

  yeah and and the thing is I expected [TS]

  that because they are living in the [TS]

  ocean environment that they move fast [TS]

  they're not stare not hanging out with [TS]

  you there they're on their way to [TS]

  somewhere and they're slow on land but [TS]

  they're fast in the ocean but they are [TS]

  not they are stay or swimming they're [TS]

  flying in super slo-mo em and that's [TS]

  what's amazing about snorkeling is that [TS]

  you are flying but you're flying in slow [TS]

  motion and these guys are I mean I could [TS]

  act i could easily keep pace with them [TS]

  and maybe they were slowing down just to [TS]

  chill with but but yeah they heard over [TS]

  the whale song they heard some kind of [TS]

  like huffin and puffin my guys here [TS]

  comes a panicky snorkeler yeah here's a [TS]

  guy trying to master [TS]

  his domain and he's making it [TS]

  he's you know he survived it we're not [TS]

  going to go over to somebody's flailing [TS]

  in the water [TS]

  this guys doing it but he needs a little [TS]

  extra push to realize that the ocean is [TS]

  his friend and so here i am now I'm [TS]

  walking around and I feel like I'm gonna [TS]

  buy a puka shell necklace and i feel [TS]

  like i'm going to start like carrying a [TS]

  yoga mat with me and I just feel like [TS]

  everything is all is right with the [TS]

  world and all I need some positivity and [TS]

  some eckhart tolle a uh-huh and and i'll [TS]

  be back in the game and I don't know [TS]

  what to say [TS]

  that's thatthat's look very moving [TS]

  experience yeah yeah yeahs how however [TS]

  how do you have that I mean most of that [TS]

  most of my experience with wildlife is [TS]

  I'm out what you know feeling like the [TS]

  crows are watching me huh [TS]

  or uh or I'm in the woods and I'm [TS]

  bringing a bell and I'm saying whole [TS]

  bear all bear or a or there's a possum [TS]

  in my walls [TS]

  how did you finally respond to the annex [TS]

  tell you your mother particularly [TS]

  curious what she thought of it [TS]

  well mom wasn't there who my daughter is [TS]

  at that age where she doesn't believe [TS]

  that things exist that she can't see so [TS]

  I was like that the sea is full of giant [TS]

  tortoise and she was like blah blah blah [TS]

  she was like airplanes are funny [TS]

  I'm like yeah alright well one of these [TS]

  days you're gonna snorkel and you're [TS]

  going to see a giant tortoise and then [TS]

  we will be community at that level and [TS]

  then my daughter's mother is an avid [TS]

  snorkeler and she was when I had my [TS]

  panic attack the day before she was very [TS]

  she was very supportive but there was [TS]

  also an up there is also an angle of [TS]

  like i'm not i'm not exactly sure but [TS]

  she didn't she was sympathetic as a but [TS]

  it was a kind of sit but the way she's [TS]

  like tolerant yeah she was like I'm [TS]

  sorry that you had a panic attack [TS]

  I've scuba dived in in Sumatra sumatra [TS]

  now is my new meme [TS]

  I'm scuba dived in Sumatra but you had a [TS]

  panic attack off of Waimea the gentlest [TS]

  of all places so I'm I'm very [TS]

  sympathetic to you but not really [TS]

  and so I was like I'm you know I'm not [TS]

  getting any sympathy around here I'm [TS]

  gonna have to do I'm going to take this [TS]

  trail on my own but I came back and [TS]

  talked about the tortoises and and then [TS]

  it was revealed that that was fairly [TS]

  unusual and that she had never had that [TS]

  experience no tourists never come to her [TS]

  and that she's done a lot more this [TS]

  normally photons and scuba she's a [TS]

  scooper dooper and so when I was [TS]

  following this tourists to the reef [TS]

  there were snorkelers all around me but [TS]

  they had not been invited into the reef [TS]

  by a tortoise mm-hmm [TS]

  and so they were having the baby having [TS]

  a very different experience they were [TS]

  floating along and tortoises seemed to [TS]

  them to be things that dwelled down [TS]

  below and that they could see and have [TS]

  like have that experience of like I saw [TS]

  a turtle [TS]

  I saw one but like my tortoise was [TS]

  taking me into his world and saying hey [TS]

  I want you to meet my friend who so that [TS]

  was a thing where I was like who's scuba [TS]

  dived off the coast of sumatra now [TS]

  right right so I don't you know [TS]

  so now I don't know anything about my [TS]

  cynicism is gone i'm breathing once an [TS]

  hour [TS]

  uh-huh anything about you don't think [TS]

  about the turtle [TS]

  oh yeah yeah yeah well I think about it [TS]

  I think about it now because my little [TS]

  key because he's like sitting on my [TS]

  piano keys so what's up what's up what's [TS]

  up brother supposed to do now you know [TS]

  I'm starting to see that the that the [TS]

  regretsy is largely turkey feet [TS]

  I think it's because it was probably on [TS]

  Thanksgiving there's like 80 things that [TS]

  look like turkey go back it'll be this [TS]

  halloween right before that [TS]

  oh icicic now you have one of those peak [TS]

  experience type things that people talk [TS]

  about now [TS]

  now in how do you think that will end up [TS]

  affecting you probably still processing [TS]

  this i mean it is something now we're [TS]

  going to go seek out more of these [TS]

  because um can even seek out this kind [TS]

  adventure because it seems to me like [TS]

  the total came to you [TS]

  well yeah but i feel like this is that [TS]

  whole industry of this is the whole [TS]

  hippie Eat Pray Love industry of people [TS]

  better out seeking transformative [TS]

  experiences and I do not want to get [TS]

  into that racket where I'm like oh I'm [TS]

  going up to machu picchu that's just [TS]

  kind of two things you don't like it's [TS]

  kind of it's a form of substance abuse [TS]

  like chasing the dragon and it's kind of [TS]

  an eel a little bit of a meal something [TS]

  like it's like it's like saying i want [TS]

  to new habit [TS]

  yeah thank you yeah all of a sudden [TS]

  you're a frequent flyer on Malaysia [TS]

  Airlines yeah you're going you're going [TS]

  to dolphin tours everywhere and have it [TS]

  off with having dolphins help deliver [TS]

  kids for you instead yeah exactly i [TS]

  don't wanna swim with the dolphins [TS]

  now I feel like that sex doll face when [TS]

  she is the daughter were to swim to you [TS]

  serendipitously that would be a [TS]

  different matter especially was an [TS]

  off-brand non-corporate dolphin a wild [TS]

  dolphin if you like [TS]

  there you go if you're if I'm if I'm out [TS]

  of the ocean listening to whale songs [TS]

  and a dolphin comes over [TS]

  come on like maybe living there whatever [TS]

  they however they talk [TS]

  Chicka Chicka Chicka Chicka I don't [TS]

  shara say cuckoo cuckoo is ours now [TS]

  that's when you know you're around then [TS]

  when you start talking to wild dolphins [TS]

  don't like garlic that this lhr like on [TS]

  The Tonight Show they're wearing a [TS]

  banana hat and they're going [TS]

  coochie-coochie-coo you can actually do [TS]

  you also dolphin friend if that happens [TS]

  yes but yeah but i'm not going to go to [TS]

  some place off of the coast of Israel [TS]

  where the dolphins are like manacled or [TS]

  for worse if you dolphin territory [TS]

  yeah that they've been psychologically a [TS]

  abused shampooed they got shampooed [TS]

  where they can't leave the beach now [TS]

  because they are addicted the dolphin [TS]

  chow or whatever humans have done [TS]

  if they can do some they're done they're [TS]

  a dolphin show ya didn't you know [TS]

  they're handing out like little little [TS]

  girl kibbles and bits but how do you [TS]

  know the dolphins are out there chasing [TS]

  the dragon maybe they want to have a [TS]

  better human experience they just can't [TS]

  afford because they're hooked on dolphin [TS]

  child that's the thing there's they say [TS]

  that they're smarter than us John I [TS]

  don't know they're sitting around the [TS]

  beach they hear a guy panicking [TS]

  somewhere up off of haifa he's [TS]

  snorkeling he's not having a good day [TS]

  helping the dolphins all turn and [TS]

  they're like should we go help this guy [TS]

  should we go take him on a spirit quest [TS]

  and then there's some tingling waiting [TS]

  out with dolphin child bring in some [TS]

  bell ding ding ding ding come and get it [TS]

  okay for the little cheeky the little [TS]

  covered wagon comes out from under the [TS]

  kitchen sink i love that wagon ya gonna [TS]

  do it and the dogs like I well that [TS]

  guy's on his own but yes the snorkelers [TS]

  having a bad day and that and that he's [TS]

  gonna have to solve that for himself [TS]

  because I'm not leaving can't save [TS]

  everybody and that's that seems like a [TS]

  bummer that's not the kind of experience [TS]

  I want to have I don't want to go and [TS]

  suck to die knowing you're being ignored [TS]

  by a dolphin the dolphins all you can [TS]

  hear them [TS]

  yeah could you you're like help me help [TS]

  me get over there and follow I'm sinking [TS]

  fast [TS]

  yeah I mean and you know and they're [TS]

  like where you're like on some Yeti tour [TS]

  new phone who dis [TS]

  [Music] [TS]