Roderick on the Line

Ep. 176: "The Opossum Had Distracted Me"

 

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  [Music] [TS]

  hello hi John [TS]

  hi m-my Merlin who was going good I just [TS]

  feel like you know that's how I feel [TS]

  uh-huh answer it's a rainy morning in [TS]

  seattle that the fall winter fall is [TS]

  finally arrived winter fall that was my [TS]

  favorite james bond movie actually no [TS]

  that was the shittiest we will meet [TS]

  again at wynn chavo Papa butter banana [TS]

  yeah so it's good yeah things are great [TS]

  i mean it's busy morning but things are [TS]

  going yeah yeah you are you running [TS]

  around a lot [TS]

  yeah you know I got a lot of lot of [TS]

  things to do uh-huh that's not my name [TS]

  is a lot outside what have you know i'm [TS]

  busy guy [TS]

  yeah you are busy guy and I got my keys [TS]

  right here you want here [TS]

  she's Louise that's a lot of keys see [TS]

  what I'm Sam I'm not a one key guy [TS]

  anymore [TS]

  oh yeah really yeah no I got all these [TS]

  keys [TS]

  how many of those do you use in a given [TS]

  week I use them all use every one of [TS]

  them look at them there they aren't your [TS]

  boat you got your other boat [TS]

  uh-huh it's red I got my this one's to [TS]

  the propane this one's to the lock on [TS]

  the on the tool shed [TS]

  yeah hmm i think you and start to own [TS]

  you know that's right [TS]

  that is right you know the what these [TS]

  are analog eels I'll God tell me about [TS]

  it [TS]

  yeah how about yourself how are you you [TS]

  seem relaxed i'm alright alright um yeah [TS]

  I anything to improve my quality of [TS]

  sleep [TS]

  that's you know that's an ongoing thing [TS]

  I don't know I don't know if I'll ever [TS]

  have good sleep again [TS]

  really now you know what it's not [TS]

  anything to talk about it's just that I [TS]

  think you know what it is [TS]

  I i heard a thing on an old episode of [TS]

  this american life today about people [TS]

  who thought their house is haunted but [TS]

  it was actually carbon monoxide [TS]

  poisoning of 100 and now I spent the [TS]

  whole morning thinking about this [TS]

  because according to this this expert [TS]

  person they talked to many of the things [TS]

  that people talk about when we talk [TS]

  about creepy scary haunting things [TS]

  are attributable to low-level carbon [TS]

  monoxide poisoning and I've had this [TS]

  suspicion im mean as you know I'm not a [TS]

  lunatic [TS]

  no no but I am a theorist and I have my [TS]

  records and I've been wanting for a [TS]

  while if there are is some part of my [TS]

  house that might be harming me I don't [TS]

  think it's a ghost but it's old and it [TS]

  has not been extremely well maintained [TS]

  and carbon monoxide is right in my [TS]

  wheelhouse [TS]

  yeah I know that that's true i mean you [TS]

  are first of all let's just say a [TS]

  ceramicist who and an anthropologist [TS]

  sure sure i'ma i'm a lover a father a [TS]

  thinker and a person that's right but I [TS]

  and also not a person who is insensitive [TS]

  to environmental climactic change and [TS]

  also haunting and also monoxide I'm [TS]

  trying to keep my I keep my eyes open [TS]

  keep my ears open and keep my mind open [TS]

  if I may say you know I don't shut all [TS]

  the doors to my mind here's the thing [TS]

  that carbon monoxide does it start [TS]

  shutting doors in your mind oh it's not [TS]

  a terrible thing it's like the toxic [TS]

  plasmosis [TS]

  the call is coming from inside no oh my [TS]

  god you know I we recently had a couple [TS]

  of cat deaths in our extended family i'm [TS]

  sorry well don't apologize to me because [TS]

  I thought though that they were both [TS]

  fairly unredeemable cats and one of them [TS]

  in particular people like to talk about [TS]

  this John but it's true there some cats [TS]

  are assholes hold one of them so one of [TS]

  them was just a troubled cat and I feel [TS]

  like she's going to a better place one [TS]

  of them was a the devil cat and I made [TS]

  so these cats used to live fairly close [TS]

  to me [TS]

  not today we're not my cats but they [TS]

  were close enough close enough that we [TS]

  that we had to come to an arrangement [TS]

  and then it was the toxoplasmosis when [TS]

  my baby was it was she has yet to arrive [TS]

  on the scene but she was in transit you [TS]

  get a lot of warnings about this these [TS]

  days [TS]

  and I was like listen whether [TS]

  toxoplasmosis is real or not this is the [TS]

  excuse I need to send these cats to go [TS]

  live on a farm [TS]

  nice and there was no arguing about it [TS]

  because i had a piece of paper that had [TS]

  a long word on it uh-huh was like I [TS]

  don't even what the real reason with [TS]

  these cats to go is that they are [TS]

  spiritually bankrupt you know any that [TS]

  but but that is harder to prove [TS]

  yeah that doesn't have the same kind of [TS]

  15 a man doesn't have a Greek name [TS]

  yeah that's right or or or you know [TS]

  potential harm to your innocent baby who [TS]

  can say anything against that and mind [TS]

  control cat shit fog and the cats that [TS]

  thing is as much as cats can be [TS]

  delivered assholes [TS]

  I don't think that they know that [TS]

  they're making you crazy i think that's [TS]

  that's how it works [TS]

  it's a it's a symbiosis it's a host [TS]

  organism scenario [TS]

  yeah but you know you open to many doors [TS]

  and a lot of wind comes in [TS]

  so you know you start thinking about [TS]

  these things you start thinking about [TS]

  the toxoplasmosis are you start thinking [TS]

  about we do not currently have a carbon [TS]

  monoxide dingus in our house you know [TS]

  those are easy to find an easy to buy [TS]

  yeah well we tested our art our tub for [TS]

  LED one time and we're not doing that [TS]

  again it was like you know continued on [TS]

  next walgreens test stop so bad honey [TS]

  please don't drink the bathwater there's [TS]

  so many reasons not to drink the [TS]

  bathwater no walgreens give us the strip [TS]

  I don't know you know i am like you know [TS]

  I've been turning the thought technology [TS]

  I've been turning over in my head that's [TS]

  not particularly novel but I don't know [TS]

  I've been thinking about how whenever [TS]

  something shocking comes along or [TS]

  something something that shocked the [TS]

  sensibility shocks our credulity or it [TS]

  seems it's something that just seems so [TS]

  wrong and so bananas but in time starts [TS]

  seeming less bananas [TS]

  I don't know it just makes me think that [TS]

  I want to start being less shocked my [TS]

  things that happen in the world not like [TS]

  atrocities or something but like you [TS]

  know I'm just realizing that you know it [TS]

  you think alike i like to shop or a you [TS]

  know rite of spring or something like [TS]

  that [TS]

  they're these things that come along [TS]

  that you know cause riots and and medium [TS]

  posts and you know i guess i'm just [TS]

  starting to finally at [TS]

  at my advancing age realized that [TS]

  everything new is shocking and like you [TS]

  should give it some time before you just [TS]

  throw it out [TS]

  sure jurisdiction was shocking didn't [TS]

  they told us all along is right there [TS]

  right on the 10 [TS]

  nothing's shocking literally that's true [TS]

  so how do you people thinking about you [TS]

  feel like the US government is complicit [TS]

  in the South American drug trade [TS]

  um I don't know enough to say whenever [TS]

  it comes to anything conspiratorial I [TS]

  mostly just write it off with a kind of [TS]

  it you know it sure could happen it [TS]

  wouldn't surprise me it seems like if [TS]

  you look back at the history of allowing [TS]

  a lady drug thing but like you think [TS]

  about you think about like oh you know [TS]

  there's all these different theories and [TS]

  records about what caused what in this [TS]

  you know 60 70 80 and 90 is because CIA [TS]

  you know I that the the part that that [TS]

  mitigates against dismissing all crazy [TS]

  theories is that so much dumb shit has [TS]

  happened were like there were meetings [TS]

  and plans and calendar events and HR [TS]

  decisions to do some really crazy shit [TS]

  that makes you feel like you know what [TS]

  their you never know right and there's [TS]

  been a lot of dumb stuff [TS]

  oh there's been a lot of times and I'm [TS]

  not putting it too strongly am i don't [TS]

  know i think that's a government I don't [TS]

  know the government I [TS]

  I i don't know i don't i wanna i [TS]

  seriously want an mp3 of that the [TS]

  government the government i don't know i [TS]

  don't know just want that to be my room [TS]

  don't worry about the lone gunman you [TS]

  know what I mean that's for sure because [TS]

  you don't even have to have it mean to [TS]

  be crazy on your own [TS]

  well and all those kids out there now [TS]

  with carbon monoxide guns i gotta-i [TS]

  gotta get one of those things i should [TS]

  probably have the place I could have to [TS]

  have a plumber come out this week I [TS]

  should probably also have a carbon [TS]

  ologist sure that's what it comes down [TS]

  and does a there's a there's a monologue [TS]

  about carbon at your house well you [TS]

  should have a dinner come out and see if [TS]

  you you know i always find out if we [TS]

  have water in the house I don't know if [TS]

  there's water we found water my wife is [TS]

  the dinner yesterday she text me and [TS]

  said we got that drip into the sink [TS]

  again so now you know we gotta call the [TS]

  guy I need one of those except for [TS]

  finding dead animals in my walls are you [TS]

  still at that I so I I I went around the [TS]

  house and by I went around the house I [TS]

  mean largely my mom went around the [TS]

  house and she I mean she this lady loves [TS]

  a project right and she's when I was [TS]

  running for office and I was very very [TS]

  busy and I was struggling with the fact [TS]

  that i was routinely now trapping [TS]

  possums in my crawlspace and then [TS]

  realizing the trapping possums wasn't [TS]

  enough you know they they foreclosed on [TS]

  a house a couple of doors down from my [TS]

  house and some house flippers came in [TS]

  and rehabilitated and that caused the [TS]

  the great the Great rat diaspora yeah [TS]

  that's right and so then I was trapping [TS]

  rats right I'm trapping possum trapping [TS]

  rats [TS]

  it's just fucking it's not a good scene [TS]

  because it's also july it's 110 degrees [TS]

  and if you trap a rat in your attic 110 [TS]

  degrees the ret the decomposition [TS]

  process happens a lot faster and the [TS]

  company that I hired to trap the rats [TS]

  have this policy of like well if it's a [TS]

  live possum in the trap will try and get [TS]

  out there this afternoon and I'm like [TS]

  really [TS]

  yeah we're busy but if it's a dead rat [TS]

  well that's not going anywhere will come [TS]

  by on Saturday and I'm like it someday [TS]

  you're gonna let the dead rats in my [TS]

  attic for a week [TS]

  ya know and they're like well you know [TS]

  that's if you read the contract so it [TS]

  was a bet that was a bad relationship [TS]

  but then my mom who loves a project put [TS]

  on her overalls which are covered with [TS]

  different colors of blue paint and are [TS]

  worn out at the knees her favorite [TS]

  overalls coveralls and she came out and [TS]

  she started filling every hole the size [TS]

  of a dime in the outside of the house [TS]

  and she just was having the time of her [TS]

  life rap proofing this house [TS]

  Wow but there and so all the rats we [TS]

  captured him all we got all the possums [TS]

  we got everybody out of the fucking [TS]

  house and then I walked in one day and [TS]

  there was the smell of a dead animal [TS]

  someone and I wandered around the house [TS]

  and H trying to find it trying to find a [TS]

  trying to find it couldn't find it [TS]

  couldn't find it [TS]

  finally upstairs in the one of the rooms [TS]

  i realized that so I my suspicion is [TS]

  threat climbed up in the wall and got [TS]

  two right next to the heating vent but [TS]

  when i took the event face off [TS]

  I couldn't it was like on the other side [TS]

  of the sheet metal it wasn't in the hvac [TS]

  it was like in the wall outside of the [TS]

  HVAC and it just died up there and so it [TS]

  was like oh you miserable bastards i [TS]

  would eradicate your entire kind i would [TS]

  stand there and kill you in front of [TS]

  each other so that you would know that [TS]

  you'd have transgressed against a [TS]

  monster [TS]

  uh-huh but so i sealed up that heating [TS]

  vent duct tape to completely off and [TS]

  waited for the smell to go away and was [TS]

  just like that's just I guess on your [TS]

  own a house I've been in this house [TS]

  seven years and nothing [TS]

  died in the walls yet but now we're a [TS]

  war with these rats and i thought i had [TS]

  trapped them all but somebody got in and [TS]

  then we sealed it anyway so no rats no [TS]

  critters and then two weeks ago I hear [TS]

  something crawling around and like you [TS]

  sons of bitches and so then I go all the [TS]

  way around the house with the high you [TS]

  know like a 10,000 watt flashlight and I [TS]

  find a hole that nobody could you know [TS]

  that that we didn't look for because the [TS]

  stupid as company that was trapping [TS]

  possums for me told me that there were [TS]

  no holes in this particular location and [TS]

  then I found a hole in that location and [TS]

  I was like you guy with you guy with [TS]

  your your possum trapping coveralls you [TS]

  didn't actually get up on the ladder [TS]

  like you said you did so to make a long [TS]

  story short when i was gone when i was [TS]

  down in san francisco i started getting [TS]

  reports from the various people who look [TS]

  after my property that there's a strange [TS]

  smell in the house and I was like really [TS]

  did i forget to take the recycling out [TS]

  and the report came back I don't think [TS]

  it's the recycle so what I got home sure [TS]

  enough it was a very fits of to you know [TS]

  you know what the smell is it's a very [TS]

  particular smell and so I spent the [TS]

  entire week with my divining rod trying [TS]

  to find the location of this beast and [TS]

  could not I short of tearing the drywall [TS]

  apart i could not find where this [TS]

  critter had decided to breathe his last [TS]

  breath and so all I could do was just [TS]

  sit in this house that sort of vaguely [TS]

  smells like a dead something I'm just [TS]

  like why why why this [TS]

  yeah i mean in the grand scheme of [TS]

  things but you gotta live there [TS]

  so it's you know it's funny houses are [TS]

  funny thing because you know you feel [TS]

  like you close the windows shut the door [TS]

  maybe you've even kind of weather proof [TS]

  the door but you're not even close [TS]

  mi mean a house is old as ours like we [TS]

  have a almost 90 year old house and you [TS]

  know i think it it gets like an old man [TS]

  and gets a little loose and flabby and [TS]

  and you know I it was it was probably [TS]

  never liked the fanciest place to begin [TS]

  with but like at three this started in [TS]

  Florida when and when you first hear [TS]

  there's a factoid that you can't unhear [TS]

  in life which is that there are certain [TS]

  kinds of on-call varmint so I hope [TS]

  that's not the apartment is not very [TS]

  progressive but there are certain kinds [TS]

  of moments where if their head can get [TS]

  through it [TS]

  their body can get through it i believe [TS]

  this is true of roaches and i'm pretty [TS]

  sure it's true of rats and I know it's [TS]

  true squid you've seen the squid video [TS]

  yeah the squids will get right in your [TS]

  house you don't want to split up there [TS]

  well I'm my sand ants but they got the [TS]

  the you know the the the skeleton in the [TS]

  musculature of these varmints you know [TS]

  will collapse through a hole like the [TS]

  size of a frickin dime [TS]

  yea big a detachable penis yeah that's [TS]

  true and and and so I mean of course in [TS]

  Florida it's pointless i mean they're [TS]

  they're coming home in the grocery bags [TS]

  are coming through the walls you know [TS]

  coming through the mtv you get the just [TS]

  getting all kinds of roaches and stuff [TS]

  in the house but we had a we had a our [TS]

  first Mouse incursion was man [TS]

  and probably around the time not long [TS]

  before for my kid came on the scene [TS]

  which made it extra kind of crazy you [TS]

  don't want to get the mouse in the same [TS]

  house [TS]

  mmm yeah if you got a house it's got a [TS]

  mouse got a mouse if you're a kid you [TS]

  got a kid you know what it is it's and [TS]

  again my favorite word vulnerability it [TS]

  makes you feel vulnerable when you know [TS]

  that there are that there are mammals in [TS]

  particular that can just kind of wander [TS]

  in and out of the house and decide if [TS]

  it's a place that they want to stay [TS]

  yeah who knows what the mouse is [TS]

  thinking uh-huh is the mouse watching [TS]

  you masturbate [TS]

  yeah that's not that's not a thing I [TS]

  want to consider might be a turn-on for [TS]

  the mouse see it's a mammal right they [TS]

  could be communicating telepathically [TS]

  with each other they could be alien life [TS]

  forms from a different planet [TS]

  masquerading as mice like you know if a [TS]

  crab wandered into your house haha you [TS]

  think well that's kinda weird you know [TS]

  like how did that happen and I have to [TS]

  say I you know I have no ill will [TS]

  against the crab I think a crab him in [TS]

  your house probably just wandered it [TS]

  maybe was checking things out it was in [TS]

  the neighborhood but you know when you [TS]

  see that happen all the time and I and I [TS]

  you know shooting out shoo shoo crashes [TS]

  jus yeah but but you know the thing is [TS]

  with when the so within the rainy season [TS]

  here you get the sugar ants and then at [TS]

  any time you could just get my [TS]

  cigarettes were fortunate knock on [TS]

  everything literally everything that we [TS]

  have haven't had rats but you know a [TS]

  mouse is looking for a place to camp out [TS]

  and maybe bring family and I think when [TS]

  you see one that's that's often an [TS]

  emissary that's that's an explorer a [TS]

  scout shirt company or somebody from the [TS]

  mouse State Department they're coming in [TS]

  there you know III don't know exactly [TS]

  how we have a pretty good idea how it [TS]

  works at the ants you know I've read [TS]

  part of any Wilson book but you know [TS]

  what the answer is real simple you know [TS]

  which is when it rains they don't have a [TS]

  place to live anymore [TS]

  mm and you know in San Francisco it [TS]

  doesn't rain it all until it rains and [TS]

  then when it rains it rains really hard [TS]

  and so basically usually around let me [TS]

  know we don't really get rain in [TS]

  California anymore but definitely [TS]

  December in January it's full-on like [TS]

  sugar Anton em and they will come in now [TS]

  there's just not a whole lot you can do [TS]

  about that you can you can hire [TS]

  companies to like stake the place out [TS]

  and spray stuff but like that's not [TS]

  going to go away you got to just kind of [TS]

  make your peace with the yet with the [TS]

  ants right i will not abide a [TS]

  rodent and how what is the San Francisco [TS]

  spider story nothing like Seattle we get [TS]

  we get some awesome like single spiders [TS]

  i think probably bachelor spiders come [TS]

  and hang out usually in the bathroom i [TS]

  love them [TS]

  my family doesn't love I'm always the [TS]

  one who is charged with the catch and [TS]

  release program for spiders i love a [TS]

  spider [TS]

  I feel like a spider mite be good luck [TS]

  darling bleeding good luck yeah i'm a [TS]

  i'm a fan of spiders but you know as you [TS]

  know in seattle there are multiple kinds [TS]

  i mean it's pretty bad right i mean it's [TS]

  really like legitimately like too many [TS]

  spiders so it's too many spiders and the [TS]

  garden spiders you watch the garden [TS]

  spiders get fatter and fatter and fatter [TS]

  throughout the fall so you'll see a [TS]

  spider and you're like oh there's a [TS]

  weekend that guy and then the next day [TS]

  it's visibly bigger and you're like huh [TS]

  that's but spiders getting kind of big [TS]

  and then get some rings and a walking [TS]

  stick [TS]

  yeah and then you're like a few days [TS]

  later and you're like that is a freaking [TS]

  fat ass spider that spiders body as big [TS]

  as a walnut now and i am not any longer [TS]

  like he let the spider be like let the [TS]

  Bennett's are mostly ladies let's tidy [TS]

  can tell from the from the way they're [TS]

  dressed or just yeah just been sort of [TS]

  their attitude you know that they're [TS]

  just really good interrupt other sassy [TS]

  mm um but uh what I don't want is to be [TS]

  walking through my own garden and take [TS]

  one of these in the face [TS]

  yes and so I walk for three months out [TS]

  of the year i walked through my yard [TS]

  with one hand up in front of my in front [TS]

  of my body random no no surprise spiders [TS]

  for you [TS]

  yeah and the thing is if you make the [TS]

  mistake of putting your hand up where [TS]

  the tips of your fingers are I level you [TS]

  will catch a spider web in your forehead [TS]

  I don't like that and so you got to keep [TS]

  your hands up above your head and out [TS]

  far enough that you can hit a web and [TS]

  like karate chop it so now i know my [TS]

  daughter walks through the yard with her [TS]

  hand up she doesn't know why she's just [TS]

  imitating daddy and we're walking [TS]

  through the yard with our shark fins out [TS]

  and chopping down spiderwebs and even [TS]

  with that even with that technique i [TS]

  catch three spider webs in the face [TS]

  pretty much every day and then you got [TS]

  the house spiders and there are the [TS]

  fast-moving super fast moving ceiling [TS]

  spiders and then there are the new a [TS]

  numerable kinds of spiders let's say and [TS]

  I i am in a family of ladies right I'm [TS]

  the only guy in my family my mom doesn't [TS]

  mean literally a lobster could be on my [TS]

  mom ceiling and she wouldn't flinch but [TS]

  but there are other characters in my [TS]

  clam who do not want a spider around 1i [TS]

  gene fairness I don't you know I just [TS]

  want to say that like I think of the [TS]

  guesswork focus of the focus the spider [TS]

  one is right there are a lot of people [TS]

  who are utterly unhinged by the idea [TS]

  that they're even might be a spider in [TS]

  the room [TS]

  well i'm particularly the fast-moving [TS]

  spiders again a surprise spider a [TS]

  surprise spider where it's like that [TS]

  spiders not moving very fast that [TS]

  spiders just hanging out and then the [TS]

  spider moves fast and you're like oh no [TS]

  oh no no no [TS]

  so I understand but I'm very tight i'm [TS]

  pro spider and I'm kind to spiders but [TS]

  might it seems like at a certain point [TS]

  in the year my number one job [TS]

  above all else is moving house spiders [TS]

  outside and i have no way of knowing [TS]

  whether a house spider can survive [TS]

  outside or whether the house better [TS]

  turns around and immediately walks back [TS]

  into my house through one of its many [TS]

  many holes right right right did you [TS]

  think it has that sense of see something [TS]

  we do a lot now I'm thinking about all [TS]

  the varieties of things that we that we [TS]

  have around here before walking down a [TS]

  picnic at school were walking around the [TS]

  corner of the school will frequently be [TS]

  a little tiny super fuzzy yellow eye on [TS]

  caterpillars i like them so far maybe [TS]

  half an inch long very very tiny and [TS]

  will be working their way across the [TS]

  sidewalk and i'm not sure how this might [TS]

  my daughter [TS]

  uh [TS]

  amigo all its it we got to get out of [TS]

  the road we got to get out of the [TS]

  sidewalk and so we move it we picked [TS]

  this happened last week she picks she [TS]

  picks up a caterpillar because she's [TS]

  awesome and she goes and puts it back in [TS]

  what we guess is where it wanted to [TS]

  originally have been there were walking [TS]

  along we see another one who had made [TS]

  further progress and she says oh thats [TS]

  its friend wants to be with its friend [TS]

  or she goes back picks up the the [TS]

  caterpillar sub 1 and then puts it over [TS]

  so I can be with its friend now a part [TS]

  of me i had an environmental ethics [TS]

  class and in in college I've thought [TS]

  about this a lot and I sometimes [TS]

  wondered like should we should we a pick [TS]

  it up and get it out of the way to [TS]

  somewhere we think it belongs be pick it [TS]

  up and put it with who were calling its [TS]

  friend Marcy leave it where it is [TS]

  because nature right right how much how [TS]

  much should we intervene now I'm just [TS]

  here to tell you like I do not like up [TS]

  I'll kill the shit out of a flying [TS]

  insect I do not like a flying insect I i [TS]

  will go way out of my way I will [TS]

  inconvenience myself i will pause the [TS]

  television to get a spider out of the [TS]

  house you know even though hey I didn't [TS]

  mind it being there and being probably [TS]

  come back it eventually your problem [TS]

  what's your what's your what's your [TS]

  general feeling on moving animals up [TS]

  flying insects in my house I don't you [TS]

  know the other day there is a moth in [TS]

  the house and I was sitting there in the [TS]

  company of some friends and the moth was [TS]

  doing it's like sort of flight the x me [TS]

  and I grabbed it by the wing out of the [TS]

  air [TS]

  oh I like mr. Miyagi like spell and that [TS]

  was a good party trick but then I felt [TS]

  bad for the moth em and I let it go and [TS]

  it kept flying in in contravention of [TS]

  what i thought would happen [TS]

  I I always heard that seems very [TS]

  delicate like any injury at all and it's [TS]

  gonna lose the the ability to fly [TS]

  yeah but I but this guy kept on keeping [TS]

  on and so I was like shit you earned the [TS]

  right to live [TS]

  um just by you know you have your [TS]

  indomitable spirit [TS]

  yeah but I lost one [TS]

  I lost my dad's harris tweed blazer to [TS]

  mobs and I think they're different model [TS]

  the big models don't eat the 10 i think [TS]

  the Blazers are a lot smaller they make [TS]

  a little tiny holes the other little [TS]

  ones but they really went after this [TS]

  blazer which I had my whole life in [TS]

  which my dad had since the fifties and [TS]

  it was his signature code he handed it [TS]

  down to me in threadbare but serviceable [TS]

  condition and then in under my [TS]

  stewardship this thing was attacked by [TS]

  mods and and tattered happened on your [TS]

  watch yet did it did I had to bear the [TS]

  responsibility for it and so mods uh [TS]

  like I brook no truck i am i'ma but i [TS]

  don't know exactly how to kill them [TS]

  other than have a carbon monoxide and as [TS]

  you know that that creates the illusion [TS]

  of a haunting so I don't want that you [TS]

  got going on tomorrow [TS]

  no no no tentatively but other things [TS]

  bees they try to shoot him out wasps I [TS]

  tried to show him out flies i kill with [TS]

  impunity fruit flies definitely all i [TS]

  got a whole project literally right now [TS]

  happening in my kitchen [TS]

  yeah well I got a project have you got [TS]

  have you got some of the balsamic [TS]

  vinegar in a cup got a red wine trap [TS]

  working right now that's nice that you [TS]

  take a bowl take that bottle of wine [TS]

  from a few months ago you never finished [TS]

  for that in what I do I overtop of all I [TS]

  put two layers of saran wrap oh hello [TS]

  two layers then I take a bamboo skewer [TS]

  and I put maybe 11 holes at irregular [TS]

  intervals so that they don't see the [TS]

  pattern right you know their pattern [TS]

  matching oh absolutely absolutely [TS]

  you don't make it clear we should it [TS]

  should look like you know it's like a [TS]

  tiger trap right it should be like [TS]

  terrain and then like oh hey you know [TS]

  free free jail or Cabernet from a few [TS]

  months ago we get in those tiny little [TS]

  holes and then they they can't get out [TS]

  and I just you know what i do i just put [TS]

  it right in the compost bin all this is [TS]

  accomplished don't worry [TS]

  oh really oh so you put in a disposable [TS]

  double disguised it's not disposable [TS]

  take it out eventually I got the [TS]

  presence of mind [TS]

  icic know you [TS]

  put it right in the competence literally [TS]

  it's in there I god you're not kidding [TS]

  around [TS]

  it's just compost come on in sure hey [TS]

  it's just another little jar of wine [TS]

  here's the thing and why do we have [TS]

  fruit flies well we take the compost out [TS]

  like pretty regularly and then we got we [TS]

  got one of those that matter we got one [TS]

  of those garbage cans were you pop it up [TS]

  and it's got the two of those fancy [TS]

  garbage cans when you open with your [TS]

  foot one side is garbage and recycling [TS]

  we use the other side for compost we try [TS]

  to take that regularly but you also [TS]

  gotta wash out the actual can is that [TS]

  detris will attract many of these are [TS]

  various formats now my concern is why so [TS]

  many fruit flies we need that much fruit [TS]

  and we take out the compost pretty [TS]

  officer now my concern is is there [TS]

  something else rotting somewhere that I [TS]

  don't know about you see what the oh yes [TS]

  i do i do it you know and a circle of [TS]

  life hakuna matata you don't get one [TS]

  kind of varmint varmints attract other [TS]

  varmints see environments beget varmints [TS]

  that's our bible it is it's in crazy ass [TS]

  tease you get some of the B's i don't [TS]

  know i did not know this [TS]

  I was admonished uh almost exactly two [TS]

  years ago I helped shop around a field [TS]

  trip to the pumpkin patch and you know [TS]

  who loves pumpkin patches is a yellow [TS]

  jackets [TS]

  yeah and our group of five year olds [TS]

  were were set upon by Yellowjackets one [TS]

  kid got the shit stayed out of him [TS]

  oh yeah yeah and so I'm gonna be the [TS]

  hero I'm whacking and wavin so first of [TS]

  all I learned a I'm hearing you tell me [TS]

  you this comports with your information [TS]

  your knowledge base number one like [TS]

  don't don't wave and whack at a yellow [TS]

  jacket because that just makes him mad [TS]

  and or attract them there be [TS]

  you ready for this don't smash yellow [TS]

  jacket because guess what happens [TS]

  oh the other yellow jacket there they [TS]

  get mad and they're attracted they smell [TS]

  a dead yellowjacket apparently that [TS]

  makes the swarm on you [TS]

  yeah yeah you've you've heard my tour [TS]

  stories right about driving through the [TS]

  Midwest certain times of the year [TS]

  certain times of the year when you when [TS]

  the big bugs around [TS]

  oh yeah right right when your when your [TS]

  windshield is just covered with all [TS]

  these it's just it's just caked with it [TS]

  like out like the top of a German [TS]

  chocolate cake with just dad bugs of [TS]

  every size and shape and then when you [TS]

  stop to get gas or to go into get a-goin [TS]

  to get into the hot case and get some [TS]

  JoJo's uh-huh you come back out on the [TS]

  front of your vehicle is just swarmed [TS]

  with yellow jackets because they're [TS]

  there to eat the other bugs the dead [TS]

  bugs features a dick [TS]

  it's terrible and so then you're trying [TS]

  to get back into your vehicle with like [TS]

  Yellow Jackets everywhere and you can't [TS]

  keep them out and so then you're driving [TS]

  across the country with like Yellow [TS]

  Jackets of the car which is not good for [TS]

  anybody being on tour is really not as [TS]

  glamorous as it sounds i've been in your [TS]

  van i know that my you have been in the [TS]

  van that's right gettin the band [TS]

  yeah I hmm i don't know i could be [TS]

  carbon monoxide I should probably get [TS]

  checked out but then my feeling is and [TS]

  like this just just tell you where I am [TS]

  in life I got okay well like now I start [TS]

  having a sense so it's probably carbon [TS]

  monoxide i'm probably i'm probably [TS]

  haunted by elements might also wanted by [TS]

  elements that's the thing i had never [TS]

  considered so like now I let's say I [TS]

  find out we got carbon monoxide what am [TS]

  I gonna do about it [TS]

  like how we gonna get the furnace vented [TS]

  better who you know and it's where I [TS]

  become irrational where I i start [TS]

  compartmentalizing and thinking maybe if [TS]

  I don't if I don't if I don't look for [TS]

  the mouse the there won't be a mouse [TS]

  well thank you know eisenberg [TS]

  uncertainty nice haha strangers [TS]

  strangers fruit fly the news as soon as [TS]

  you look at the mouse is a fifty percent [TS]

  chance of a mouse there that's right [TS]

  that's just science that's precisely [TS]

  right and and what happens is because of [TS]

  spooky action at a distance this mouse [TS]

  and other mice are all in the same [TS]

  orientation [TS]

  oh yeah so as soon as you look at this [TS]

  mouse you have also predetermined he the [TS]

  posture of mice sometimes very far away [TS]

  it's a kind of predestination it's in [TS]

  and it's impossible to know who which is [TS]

  the great thing about physics so much of [TS]

  it is impossible to know that's [TS]

  comforting me a lot of ways i'm talking [TS]

  Mouse physics now [TS]

  no I understand but I also feel like in [TS]

  the same way that you have let's be [TS]

  honest let's go back a little bit you [TS]

  have established a certain kind of of a [TS]

  date aren't you know you know a a [TS]

  you know you've got a separate piece [TS]

  that you've made with various kinds of [TS]

  animals you in the raccoons you in the [TS]

  crows you've worked some things out you [TS]

  look each other [TS]

  I feel the same way I feel like spiders [TS]

  are like anchovies let's work this out i [TS]

  don't mean the kind of swimming kind i [TS]

  mean the kind you get the california [TS]

  pizza [TS]

  sure let's move that salty ones let's [TS]

  make a deal here we're not gonna [TS]

  surprise each other right that's the [TS]

  thing i think we should I think we [TS]

  should have a way where we could say [TS]

  almost like like a couple who wants to [TS]

  get divorced has to live together you [TS]

  stay in this room you have that room you [TS]

  have that room you know what you can [TS]

  have the bathroom all night long as long [TS]

  as you don't jump on me if I urinate in [TS]

  the middle of the night [TS]

  that's the good part of the anchovies [TS]

  but the spiders but sure to meet similar [TS]

  principle if you order a Caesar salad [TS]

  who you got to expect that you're gonna [TS]

  get spiders on it's right there on the [TS]

  10 says Caesar it's going to have [TS]

  anchovies in it but if you order a pizza [TS]

  you have no there's you there's no [TS]

  reason that you should have to find an [TS]

  anchovy or a spider or spite if a spider [TS]

  left out of your Caesar salad you what [TS]

  you would want to have words spiders are [TS]

  the anchovies of the house pets [TS]

  I couldn't agree more yeah I feel like [TS]

  my relationship with raccoons and crows [TS]

  is based primarily on in the raccoons [TS]

  case the opposable thumb and the fact [TS]

  that it looks at me knowingly and I've [TS]

  seen them in action enough over the [TS]

  years and I feel like we need to reach [TS]

  an accommodation i will allow you to [TS]

  have a tremendously way in my world and [TS]

  you let me pass and maybe one day I will [TS]

  call upon you for a favor [TS]

  mhm the crows on the other hand are I [TS]

  think running the whole show [TS]

  I think a Crow's mind moves very quickly [TS]

  yeah we we we've talked about this [TS]

  before well a little bit yeah but you [TS]

  know today they're running the whole [TS]

  show the more I see the way they work [TS]

  the more I feel like a lot of the a lot [TS]

  of the mysteries are just the crows like [TS]

  you know Lena path understanding crows [TS]

  could explain a lot [TS]

  I think it could be nice and like you [TS]

  some context for this I show up at my [TS]

  daughter school pickup as I do every [TS]

  afternoon and it's taking up at the time [TS]

  it's after snack [TS]

  the children have left the play [TS]

  ground and now there's lots of children [TS]

  garbage and children foods and like [TS]

  little bits of lists of sticky things [TS]

  all over the place because they just did [TS]

  they just had their snack [TS]

  yeah and there are there are very few [TS]

  children but there are three kinds of [TS]

  birds in this space you got your pigeons [TS]

  which is your fat urban pitch in your [TS]

  big basic flying rat dumb as a bag of [TS]

  hammers pigeon you got some seagulls who [TS]

  seemed disoriented and not entirely sure [TS]

  why they're out there so confused right [TS]

  you got seagulls because we're doing [TS]

  Rick oh they're there they're super its [TS]

  John here they're they're yummy to be a [TS]

  super you there are no small seabird Oh [TS]

  only small parts know and and then and [TS]

  then and then add in fewer in number but [TS]

  much greater enforce you see these [TS]

  little fellas up here on the corner [TS]

  there looking down and you see the crows [TS]

  and they're just they're watching [TS]

  everything that's not fucking heckle and [TS]

  Jeckle oh I know yeah thnkx for Magpies [TS]

  technically it's a magpie different from [TS]

  a crow I think they are very different [TS]

  set of the diagram of this and I should [TS]

  probably pull that is you know they're [TS]

  like the Crows they're like the racist [TS]

  crows in dumbo okay yeah and so the the [TS]

  pigeons the pigeons are our I don't know [TS]

  how the picture I just keep waiting for [TS]

  the mechanic fall over and forget how to [TS]

  live there they're not super bright [TS]

  they're walking around there like eating [TS]

  bottle caps and shit you get the [TS]

  seagulls who are sort of like the the [TS]

  the the meth users of the playground and [TS]

  then way up on high [TS]

  you've got these crows they're just [TS]

  taking their time they are they're on a [TS]

  different time scale they are seeing [TS]

  everything is moving slowly they're like [TS]

  Paul Sorvino right oh that's right [TS]

  that's all I didn't move fast because he [TS]

  didn't happen with fast he was like a [TS]

  crow now probably watching everything's [TS]

  going right across he's not going to [TS]

  just fly down me to french fry he's [TS]

  gonna watch the french fry for you to [TS]

  learn about the french fries he's gonna [TS]

  see who's interested in the french fries [TS]

  and remember that he's gonna tell his [TS]

  friends you meet back at the parking lot [TS]

  over by the safeway there's gonna be [TS]

  some serious high-level crow discussions [TS]

  well that french fry and what I noticed [TS]

  about crows is that they will let a [TS]

  seagull eat the french fry [TS]

  uh-huh they are not like they see a [TS]

  french fry there watching it [TS]

  they're learning about seagull comes in [TS]

  each the french fry the crows not [TS]

  disappointed he learned there's always [TS]

  more french fries [TS]

  he's gonna know he knows more about that [TS]

  French rather than that seagull will [TS]

  ever know like Lex Luthor you can even [TS]

  read the candy wrapper and in the [TS]

  about the secrets of life i don't really [TS]

  know much about the DC Universe missing [TS]

  anything [TS]

  so here's the thing that I don't here's [TS]

  what I learned over the past year is [TS]

  that i do not have very much respect for [TS]

  opossums the one thing about possums [TS]

  than I do respect is that i have seen a [TS]

  possum and a cat live in harmony with [TS]

  one another [TS]

  I've watched a possum and a cat [TS]

  encounter one another in my own yard and [TS]

  it wasn't like all the way to [TS]

  hail-fellow-well-met but it certainly [TS]

  was that they each had diplomatic papers [TS]

  that a lack of move freely they can move [TS]

  freely and that surprised me because i [TS]

  would not see a possum in a cat III [TS]

  would not imagine that they occupied the [TS]

  same emotional space but it seemed like [TS]

  they really did and so I went to my [TS]

  mother [TS]

  the sage and I said possum and cat [TS]

  described and she's and then I said [TS]

  activate over who and she said at one [TS]

  point in her life she had several cats [TS]

  that she fed outside and that the cats [TS]

  and the possums would eat out of the [TS]

  same bowl at the same time I was like [TS]

  okay that is there's something going on [TS]

  in nature where where those two species [TS]

  have reached an agreement made a tall [TS]

  and I and increases my respect for the [TS]

  possum as it decreases my respect for [TS]

  the cat right like and that's an idea [TS]

  and i don't mean to be colonial here [TS]

  no no I know I mean unite were from a [TS]

  you know a different time yeah that's [TS]

  right we're from an earlier age we [TS]

  learned about the world in different [TS]

  language but so I've had a very [TS]

  momentous week you know a little bit of [TS]

  this story [TS]

  I don't know if you want to talk about [TS]

  it it's a [TS]

  it's crazy story too crazy story but and [TS]

  it's not it's not even it's not the [TS]

  entirety of how momentous this week has [TS]

  been just a I'm a little curious how you [TS]

  gonna pivot from cats and possible to [TS]

  your filson bag but I'm here [TS]

  yeah okay well so a last November I saw [TS]

  a possum in my yard and this is a this [TS]

  is prior to my mom's closing up all the [TS]

  holes [TS]

  oh this is when you work your we were [TS]

  just the time you're waiting for your [TS]

  facing it down [TS]

  you're like you're sitting there at [TS]

  night in a doorway waiting for the [TS]

  possum waiting for the possum because I [TS]

  wanted to see I wanted to track its [TS]

  behavior because at this time in my life [TS]

  I was fairly pro possum and I was like [TS]

  there's possibly art he's coming around [TS]

  I would like to know more about his [TS]

  behavior so I don't like if somebody [TS]

  wanted to date your daughter with all [TS]

  respect that you would say you know this [TS]

  is something we can talk about but first [TS]

  we need to sit we need to sit down [TS]

  that's right we dash couple things out [TS]

  yeah i'm gonna watch your reactions to [TS]

  the following questions and while you're [TS]

  doing that I'm also going to be playing [TS]

  with a dagger on the coffee table [TS]

  tell me using only single words but how [TS]

  you feel about my doctor by so i watch [TS]

  this possum and I guess this is the time [TS]

  when I first sort of see the possum [TS]

  encountering the cat and I'm like that [TS]

  you know it's Wild Kingdom back here [TS]

  I'm learning a lot the raccoons are very [TS]

  clearly watching this all go down from [TS]

  their perch on the trees and they've got [TS]

  no dog in the race right there just [TS]

  taking it all in [TS]

  but the opossum is a dingaling and he's [TS]

  blind but he's out there the cats out [TS]

  there and then I then the possible goes [TS]

  under the house and I'm like oh shit [TS]

  possums under the house [TS]

  that's no good and then a right around [TS]

  the fear the late autumn i hear the [TS]

  possum in the walls and like fuck I was [TS]

  watching the possum [TS]

  I had a pretty good bead on him and then [TS]

  the possum faked me out and moved into [TS]

  the house and because of the way my [TS]

  house is constructed there there was the [TS]

  original house and then there was the [TS]

  addition to the house the original House [TS]

  was built in nineteen twelve and then [TS]

  the addition was built in nineteen [TS]

  thirty but what they did is they put the [TS]

  addition on the side of the house where [TS]

  the chimney was and the chimney goes all [TS]

  the way down [TS]

  you know that's the first thing they [TS]

  build the chimney is down there and what [TS]

  had formerly been the outside of the [TS]

  chimney is now enclosed inside of wall [TS]

  and the possum gun under the house and [TS]

  then went up the chimney but inside the [TS]

  house [TS]

  so anyway the possums in there and he [TS]

  scrubbing around these scribbling and [TS]

  scrubbing and I can hear him or her i [TS]

  think it's her huh [TS]

  just by the way she carries herself yeah [TS]

  and so the winner goes on and i'm not i [TS]

  haven't reconciled my self all the way [TS]

  to like called environment people [TS]

  because i feel like this possum is going [TS]

  to this possum is just here for a little [TS]

  bit just visiting and then she's going [TS]

  to move on but she didn't she stuck [TS]

  around and I could hear ourselves still [TS]

  just a single possum as far as i know [TS]

  who their solitary animals but I hear [TS]

  her and it's nice unless they got a [TS]

  brood well see this is here at night [TS]

  scription script script script like [TS]

  but i but I don't call the critter [TS]

  control because I just feel like listen [TS]

  this is just a temporary situation i'm [TS]

  going to pretend that this isn't [TS]

  happening [TS]

  so one night I'm in my house and I here [TS]

  and opossums making a lot of noise and [TS]

  I'm like I've got dammit ok ok possum we [TS]

  have with we cross the threshold but I [TS]

  was leaving to go on the jonathan [TS]

  coulton Cruz not this is a at this point [TS]

  februari this is Perry this is not I was [TS]

  not leaving the next day I was leaving [TS]

  at very early in the morning the [TS]

  following day so I was lying in bed and [TS]

  I'm like you've only got one day [TS]

  tomorrow to deal with all the stuff you [TS]

  need to deal with before you leave on a [TS]

  long cruise and you can't deal with this [TS]

  possum right now and that sucks she's [TS]

  she's really making noise in the wall [TS]

  and I am mad but I have to just roll [TS]

  over and go back to sleep because this [TS]

  possum is not a thing I can handle right [TS]

  now I feel like such an active maturity [TS]

  to go you know as much this is driving [TS]

  me nuts [TS]

  I'm gonna put aside the scratchy [TS]

  scratchy and I'm gonna I'm gonna be an [TS]

  adult homeowner and go to sleep because [TS]

  i have to go get a boat their stuff to [TS]

  do [TS]

  whereas any any other night literally [TS]

  like any other night you would have been [TS]

  out there with the 10,000 watt [TS]

  flashlight trying to find this thing [TS]

  that's right this would have been that [TS]

  this was the moment where I was like [TS]

  alright games games over [TS]

  I'm coming in I'm dumb I'm I'm chasing [TS]

  you down so the next morning pretty [TS]

  early in the morning I my phone rings [TS]

  and unlike most of them in there and I [TS]

  think because i was about to leave on [TS]

  the cruise I was like I'd better not let [TS]

  everything go to voicemail better answer [TS]

  the phone because i'm leaving and if [TS]

  this is some thing that needs to be [TS]

  dealt with I should know and a pay phone [TS]

  in the the person on the other line says [TS]

  this is john Roderick to you you know I [TS]

  and with the following birthday to run [TS]

  around like yeah who's this and she says [TS]

  I'm from these around from american [TS]

  express and your American Express card [TS]

  is being used to buy gasoline [TS]

  somewhere and they didn't know your zip [TS]

  code or whatever and we're calling to [TS]

  find out if that's you and I was like [TS]

  what impossible she said well somebody [TS]

  just tried to buy gas with it in some [TS]

  other or some neighboring town I was [TS]

  like wow [TS]

  let me let me get to the bottom of this [TS]

  and so I wake up and I go downstairs [TS]

  because you know when I come into the [TS]

  house the first thing i do is take off [TS]

  my pants uh-huh so my pants are down [TS]

  stairs my get downstairs and I'm I'm [TS]

  still asleep and I'm looking around and [TS]

  like the back door is open and then I [TS]

  realized that the house has been rifled [TS]

  and i'm on the phone with american [TS]

  express and I'm like my house has been [TS]

  robbed and she's like oh I'm sorry [TS]

  well do you want us to cancel the card I [TS]

  was like yes cancel everything and then [TS]

  I'm standing there in the early morning [TS]

  with the realization that while i was in [TS]

  the house i had been broken into and [TS]

  ransacked and i had heard them and I [TS]

  thought it was the possum and I rolled [TS]

  over and went back to sleep after two [TS]

  decades of hyper nighttime vigilance [TS]

  where I was up a perimeter checking [TS]

  walking around my yard in a bathrobe and [TS]

  a sword [TS]

  nothing happened in any of the [TS]

  neighborhood's I've lived in at night [TS]

  with where I didn't know it watch it [TS]

  report on it this one instance where the [TS]

  possum had distracted me with her with [TS]

  her occupation I rolled over and went [TS]

  back to sleep [TS]

  the one time I have been like robbed [TS]

  while I'm in the house and so of course [TS]

  it's a it's feeling a violation but more [TS]

  than that like it is [TS]

  totally against my brand like I'm [TS]

  sitting upstairs in a room literally [TS]

  bristling with weapons [TS]

  I've been in some ways waiting for [TS]

  someone to break into my house for the [TS]

  last 20 years so that i could choose the [TS]

  saber and here i am just like the [TS]

  fucking possum [TS]

  it's some kind of mind to treat twister [TS]

  ooh and so then I realized should i'm [TS]

  leaving on the cruise tomorrow at 7am [TS]

  and i'm searching my house and they [TS]

  stoled my passport they stole my [TS]

  passport and my wallet which had all my [TS]

  ID in it they stole my computer which i [TS]

  didn't care about or my uh ipad which I [TS]

  didn't care about they stole my entire [TS]

  sonos stereo system you're kidding [TS]

  the whole thing they SAT and took the [TS]

  time to unhook the whole sort of thought [TS]

  no one was home [TS]

  well but they never came up stairs and [TS]

  upstairs i have that's the real vault [TS]

  enough said so they knew I was on so I [TS]

  call the cops and also in addition to [TS]

  that stuff they took my challenge coins [TS]

  they took a box of my dad's political [TS]

  lapel pins and type ad tight acts like [TS]

  Hubert Humphrey tie tack and uh you know [TS]

  like Truman beats Dewey lapel button all [TS]

  this you know this this whole like a box [TS]

  of little pins that he collected and [TS]

  then I collected took that [TS]

  took like some like a collection of [TS]

  foreign currency that wasn't worth [TS]

  anything it was just a collection of [TS]

  foreign currency and they took my [TS]

  hundred ounce silver ingot that i was [TS]

  using as a doorstop that for 20 years [TS]

  I've been using as a doorstop and my mom [TS]

  has said over the whole 20 years [TS]

  somebody's gonna steal that one of these [TS]

  days and I'm like nobody knows what it [TS]

  is a 200-ounce ingot like no crook is [TS]

  going to know what it is it's just a [TS]

  just a punk [TS]

  well they do what it was and they took [TS]

  it and so but of all everything I most [TS]

  devastated by the passport because a i'm [TS]

  traveling out of the country in a day [TS]

  but be that passport was in its it was [TS]

  trending toward its retirement [TS]

  it's got all the stamps everything it's [TS]

  the passport is nine years and six [TS]

  months old it is this trip I was the [TS]

  jungle cruise was going to be the last [TS]

  time I traveled on it and then it was [TS]

  going to go in the shoebox I was going [TS]

  to get a new one it had stamps of all [TS]

  the rock-and-roll touring it had stamped [TS]

  from from not just from South America [TS]

  but from all of the other from the time [TS]

  i went to an easy chair and Djibouti and [TS]

  Ethiopia just recently it was very [TS]

  important to be in this path all gone [TS]

  and so I spent that entire day running [TS]

  around town I went to the DMV and I was [TS]

  like I need your driver's license and i [TS]

  SAT for the photograph and filled out [TS]

  all the forms and then i went up to the [TS]

  counter I was like great can I get this [TS]

  enhanced drivers license because that [TS]

  will at least allow me to everyone that [TS]

  has the passport billions [TS]

  yeah and they said Oh we'll send it to [TS]

  you in 15 days and I was like what [TS]

  now I just want to I just spent two [TS]

  hours at the DM fucking be and your and [TS]

  you can't give it to me today and [TS]

  they're like what [TS]

  No [TS]

  and ice and I'm thinking back to like my [TS]

  first driver's license [TS]

  I'm thinking back to all the drivers [TS]

  licenses i have had over the years and [TS]

  and I'm not crazy [TS]

  they used to give them to you right then [TS]

  they would take your picture they would [TS]

  laminate them [TS]

  it did rain funny you want you want to [TS]

  come out a little dingus here you go [TS]

  and they're like no no nowadays we mail [TS]

  them to you 15 days around like this [TS]

  doesn't help me i'm burning daylight [TS]

  here so I run down to the passport [TS]

  office and I'm like look I know you can [TS]

  expedite this can you do it in to do it [TS]

  today and they're like oh sure for 11 [TS]

  hundred dollars or whatever I was like [TS]

  okay let's do it and then i'm down at [TS]

  the getting my picture taken at a kinkos [TS]

  I'm just I'm so frazzled by this point [TS]

  but i do get a passport and I am and I [TS]

  and I question whether i should go right [TS]

  of course I i was amazed that you came [TS]

  it was like I'm gonna go on the cruise [TS]

  like I'm just gonna there's nothing i [TS]

  can do I can't hunt for the burglar [TS]

  I don't know how you did that I mean [TS]

  when I heard this I think probably from [TS]

  Jonathan I or maybe maybe Paul that [TS]

  anyway I was just like I was just [TS]

  sitting there thinking like I got you [TS]

  know you know me like before i travel i [TS]

  mean I'm frenetic about everything and [TS]

  yeah the money stuff in the time stuff [TS]

  and everything stuff and I just cannot [TS]

  imagine you knowing that like you didn't [TS]

  have credit cards you didn't have ID and [TS]

  just if anything else just a sense of [TS]

  like wanting to let go [TS]

  burrow into your bed with a sword and [TS]

  and like this process what happened I [TS]

  couldn't believe you were able to walk [TS]

  away without really processing that well [TS]

  and in a way it was a lesson for me of [TS]

  like how all this talk that we have done [TS]

  over the years about the materialism [TS]

  that has infected my life my thrifting a [TS]

  habit and the fact that I I no longer [TS]

  have five personal items that I have [TS]

  imbued with significance i have 500 that [TS]

  I have imbued with all the significance [TS]

  it's like this thing and that thing and [TS]

  that thing and remember the time I [TS]

  bought that thing and this was the play [TS]

  know what I [TS]

  my first kiss when i had my first case [TS]

  kiss in april of last year I had this [TS]

  thing on [TS]

  you know just like this mania of [TS]

  attaching emotional significance to [TS]

  physical objects as a way of keeping the [TS]

  demon dogs at bay but in that moment I [TS]

  realized I don't give a shit about [TS]

  anything like it all burns down i don't [TS]

  care i just want that passport back [TS]

  because it has the that really does have [TS]

  emotional significance and you know and [TS]

  that surrounds that silver bar because i [TS]

  bought in 1982 with the money I saved [TS]

  from mowing lawns but like computer [TS]

  who cares burn it and and so I just said [TS]

  I'm leaving and I don't know I had a [TS]

  very interesting conversation with the [TS]

  police they showed up right away I was a [TS]

  female lead officer who said well this [TS]

  is probably a method to come into a [TS]

  house where there's someone inside is [TS]

  totally desperate behavior this person [TS]

  is going to end up dead or these people [TS]

  are going to end up dead it's insane to [TS]

  do and so it has to just be drugs and [TS]

  but the problem was it was it was [TS]

  diabolical this person found the one [TS]

  window in my house that didn't have an [TS]

  alarm on it that was where the where the [TS]

  windowsill was a little bit rotten or [TS]

  dry rotted because all the windows in [TS]

  the house are original and they took a [TS]

  footlocker off of my porch moved it [TS]

  around under the window jammed a shovel [TS]

  that they found in my barn [TS]

  oh my god pop the window and so I would [TS]

  end they waited for my timed lights that [TS]

  I have around the house to go off which [TS]

  they went off it they go they were time [TS]

  to go off at 3am and so my sense was [TS]

  holy ship at my house has been cased [TS]

  they've been watching me for weeks i had [TS]

  no idea I was scanning my brain for like [TS]

  have there been any suspicious cars i [TS]

  would have noticed because this is my [TS]

  brand right [TS]

  who are these [TS]

  geniuses and then the suggestion arose I [TS]

  forget who made it first but it was made [TS]

  by several people do you think it's a [TS]

  rock on the line listener because the [TS]

  items they took are exactly the things [TS]

  that up that a either crazy or [TS]

  diabolical Roderick on the line listener [TS]

  would take your silver bar your passport [TS]

  your dad's political pins [TS]

  this is like crazy land maybe it's some [TS]

  radical the line mr. who has [TS]

  triangulated to your house and is either [TS]

  obsessed or is so is such a criminal [TS]

  mastermind that they are doing this to [TS]

  get your attention as some kind of like [TS]

  like they are mind gaming you and I was [TS]

  like oh no I cannot consider that [TS]

  possibility because I know there are a [TS]

  lot of very smart rhetoric on the line [TS]

  listeners who have myriad talents i do [TS]

  not want to think about this so i went [TS]

  on the cruise [TS]

  well how'd you how'd you how'd you end [TS]

  up on that theory [TS]

  I mean did you did you do it had you at [TS]

  length discarded that I mean it's just [TS]

  that the the I mean is there a chance I [TS]

  know this sounds like a long shot but if [TS]

  it is somebody who's you know a method [TS]

  as they say is there a chance they just [TS]

  got really lucky [TS]

  well I dismissed that possibility above [TS]

  all else I imagined that it was three [TS]

  people because of the way the house was [TS]

  rifled I just felt like their unhooking [TS]

  the sono system-based another that they [TS]

  had staged a guitar by the back door but [TS]

  I think I probably rustled in bed or [TS]

  they got spooked or something and they [TS]

  ran out but not before all and they [TS]

  stole my filson bag which I think they [TS]

  probably put everything in order that [TS]

  they put the ingot and the passport in [TS]

  took the Wilson [TS]

  anyway so i came back i had to go [TS]

  through all the rigmarole i went to the [TS]

  bathroom and got a costco card got all [TS]

  my new credit cards all changed all my [TS]

  passwords had to go in and change all [TS]

  the auto payments to the new credit [TS]

  cards just a man major hassle but the [TS]

  worst part was even though i goin on the [TS]

  cruise was gone for whatever 10 days [TS]

  after the theft when I came back the [TS]

  feeling it was still very raw [TS]

  I couldn't sleep at night I was that it [TS]

  wasn't just that i was waking up at [TS]

  night i would just lay there and [TS]

  couldn't sleep i was waiting for them to [TS]

  come back [TS]

  also they took my car keys and had [TS]

  ransacked the car [TS]

  oh my god so this is this is why i'm [TS]

  thinking like there's gotta be three of [TS]

  them there wasn't anything in the car [TS]

  except they accept some like Chinese [TS]

  money that they took I was like all [TS]

  right good luck spending that they don't [TS]

  they're not even really uh that's not [TS]

  even real money they're not even on Iran [TS]

  a real international exchange rate [TS]

  anyway so I didn't sleep for months [TS]

  honestly and i reinforced all the [TS]

  windows on the house and I read up call [TS]

  the all the Tiger traps and I just like [TS]

  but it but I never felt safe and [TS]

  fortunately that night my daughter [TS]

  wasn't staying there it was just me [TS]

  alone in the house that night but I just [TS]

  felt always a little bit on edge and I [TS]

  was I was scanning my neighbors faces [TS]

  like you know it was bad right [TS]

  ok so i run for office attention [TS]

  especially one thing of course um I mean [TS]

  you always hear the stories about what [TS]

  please tell you about well how it's [TS]

  likely to go one way or another [TS]

  what was the general prognosis from the [TS]

  police about catching the person and [TS]

  potentially getting any stuff back so a [TS]

  couple things that the officer the [TS]

  Seattle officer said they took your car [TS]

  keys and that means two nights from now [TS]

  there [TS]

  come steal your car so you gotta get [TS]

  your cart you get your car rekey and so [TS]

  there were a lot of things that I had to [TS]

  do I had to set in motion before I went [TS]

  on the cruise I called some friends I [TS]

  was like can you get my car rekeyed can [TS]

  you get my house rekeyed [TS]

  you get my house rekeyed [TS]

  because they stole the house keys to and [TS]

  my a by good friends were like yes this [TS]

  is a pain in the ass but i understand [TS]

  and i will do these things for you and [TS]

  so my car got rekeyed my house got [TS]

  rekeyed while I was gone [TS]

  the detective not detective I'm sorry [TS]

  that you know the patrol officer found a [TS]

  pair of rubber gloves in the guard and [TS]

  she said oh this is good because [TS]

  typically they wear rubber gloves to [TS]

  avoid leaving fingerprints and then they [TS]

  take the rubber gloves off and throw [TS]

  them on the ground which now have which [TS]

  have fingerprints and so we're going to [TS]

  take the fingerprints and we're going to [TS]

  you know start a case and burp [TS]

  interpreter you probably never see this [TS]

  stuff again but it'll be you know if we [TS]

  if we get a match we can prosecute so [TS]

  when I got back I called the detective [TS]

  that it had been assigned to got the [TS]

  detectives voicemail left a voicemail [TS]

  never got a call back [TS]

  I had I'd catalogued all the serial [TS]

  numbers of the things i sent them i [TS]

  called pawn shops around no hits so i [TS]

  reconciled myself to the fact that these [TS]

  things were gone but all year [TS]

  I'm walking around I'm thinking passport [TS]

  come back to me can if you can find me [TS]

  find me because i lost my first Passport [TS]

  I was at a house party in in moscow [TS]

  idaho in 1990 and i lost my first [TS]

  passport and that passport had all the [TS]

  stamp set from my first trip overseas [TS]

  which was back during a time when you [TS]

  still got a passport stamped when you [TS]

  went from port from portugal spain or [TS]

  you still got a passport stamp when you [TS]

  went from France to Belgium like they're [TS]

  still passport controls between all [TS]

  those European countries that now there [TS]

  are none so I was getting all these what [TS]

  I later learned to treasure which was [TS]

  these old fashions and like just prior [TS]

  to the institution of the European Union [TS]

  passport stamps including morocco I got [TS]

  there's a visa and therefore algeria [TS]

  back in the eighties you know and I went [TS]

  to East Germany several times East [TS]

  Berlin like all this stuff in there and [TS]

  I'll unlost this fucking Passport at a [TS]

  party because i was drunk and who knows [TS]

  and it has haunted me that this because [TS]

  i have all my dad's passports i have my [TS]

  dad's first passport from 1948 and and [TS]

  every subsequent renewal of his passport [TS]

  I it's like it makes a little book not a [TS]

  little book a big book and and i love [TS]

  them i love his old passports and I [TS]

  wanted the same collection for myself [TS]

  and the first one that the you know the [TS]

  foundation the Keystone is gone and now [TS]

  I'd lost my second one and it actually I [TS]

  mean I have one in the middle i have a [TS]

  have right have expected that would be [TS]

  the other one from the walk [TS]

  that's the one from the walk from the [TS]

  early days of rock-and-roll touring I [TS]

  mean that's the that's a key key key one [TS]

  but then I lost my third passport and [TS]

  and when i was on the cruise I honestly [TS]

  was having this was having this thing of [TS]

  like god are you trying to teach me [TS]

  something about the impermanence of [TS]

  things are you trying to teach me that [TS]

  that the passport is meaningless because [TS]

  the memories matter and are you trying [TS]

  to teach me that if the passport is [TS]

  meaningless than all material items are [TS]

  meaningless is this ugh is this you god [TS]

  it's me margaret are you trying to just [TS]

  slap me across the face with a fish [TS]

  that's one thing to be taught a lesson [TS]

  by God and nothing to not be sure what [TS]

  the lesson is about or four [TS]

  yeah yeah well that I feel like when [TS]

  lessons usually have a reason when God [TS]

  works it is in mysterious ways [TS]

  who and i'm just i'm sitting on this [TS]

  boat in the in the middle of the [TS]

  Caribbean [TS]

  can still showered in privileged intent [TS]

  in my life is great but i'm asking God [TS]

  the serious questions did are you [TS]

  pranking me and it if so it is a bitter [TS]

  pill to swallow [TS]

  anyway so for the last nine months i [TS]

  have been telepathically communicating [TS]

  with my passport [TS]

  I know you're out there i do not have [TS]

  find my iphone for my passport and [TS]

  frankly I find my apple stuff didn't [TS]

  work because whoever stole these things [TS]

  never turn them on [TS]

  well yeah I'm sorry to interrupt your [TS]

  belabor this but you know i mean my [TS]

  sense is that when you've got things [TS]

  like these property crimes you have a [TS]

  window of almost no time to get any of [TS]

  it back and that that means that [TS]

  generally how it works we're talking [TS]

  here about you know III don't know great [TS]

  about how this works but it seems like [TS]

  anything they're like what may be a [TS]

  sonos sooner shows up you know in a pawn [TS]

  shop or something with a weekend [TS]

  yeah but I mean like maybe i just [TS]

  watched too many you know movies about [TS]

  New York but my sense is that people [TS]

  grab the stuff is valuable and small [TS]

  that you can sell quickly and then just [TS]

  throw everything else away now because I [TS]

  mean you know even if you're dealing [TS]

  like why would you be carrying that [TS]

  around going to sell the silver you're [TS]

  gonna like four for twenty bucks or [TS]

  whatever right isn't that how it works [TS]

  I mean well you know why would any of [TS]

  that stuff ever survived what you know [TS]

  is praying to your passport or you know [TS]

  community at that distance with it it's [TS]

  hopeless [TS]

  gesture right well so there are a couple [TS]

  of their couple possibilities right [TS]

  there this is person is a math person [TS]

  and in which case they are just going to [TS]

  take their stuff probably directly to [TS]

  their dealer and say here is a laptop [TS]

  will you give me some math and the [TS]

  dealer will say yeah sure [TS]

  and the dealer gives him one hundred [TS]

  dollars worth of math [TS]

  and the the junkie gives the dealer a [TS]

  2200 dollar computer and then the dealer [TS]

  is mobbed up with the network of fences [TS]

  who the dealer will will get five [TS]

  hundred dollars for it from somebody [TS]

  now in this contemporary contemporary [TS]

  world the world of John siracusa the [TS]

  danger is that the laptop then we'll [TS]

  make its way not to a pawn shop but to a [TS]

  network of Russian hackers right who are [TS]

  primarily interested in it for identity [TS]

  theft and with that narrative running my [TS]

  laptop my passport my wallet which [TS]

  contains not only my enhanced drivers [TS]

  license but also my goes card which is [TS]

  the which is the secret government card [TS]

  that allows me to go through passport [TS]

  control in major airports without even [TS]

  stopping where you just have been pre [TS]

  security checked and you just hold up [TS]

  this car to go bump and you are moving [TS]

  right while while 800 people are lined [TS]

  up to go through passport control it's [TS]

  like you are done and so with a [TS]

  combination of these things some Kenny [TS]

  identity theft people could basically [TS]

  get terrorists onto a plane they could [TS]

  they could take it i start a business [TS]

  under my name they could who knows what [TS]

  they could completely take over my life [TS]

  but it's more than all the physical [TS]

  objects and then it gets into the the [TS]

  ICC the identity stuff but like every [TS]

  conceivable aspect of your life that can [TS]

  be sold for parts could yeah and I'm [TS]

  been so I'm picturing like some chop [TS]

  house outside of Bangkok where they are [TS]

  they are in sizing the picture out of my [TS]

  ID and putting in putting in the picture [TS]

  of [TS]

  the shift and he is you know entering [TS]

  the United States illegally to carry out [TS]

  a extrajudicial assassination of some [TS]

  kind and I'm just like oh this is bad [TS]

  bad bad news if if this material makes [TS]

  its way to an identity thief and just [TS]

  like you with the mouse my ultimate [TS]

  reaction to it was you know what if I [TS]

  pretend the mouse isn't there maybe the [TS]

  mouse isn't there isn't but the thing is [TS]

  that's the thing about this is that you [TS]

  don't you don't know it i mean any part [TS]

  of your your your normal rational brain [TS]

  somebody was telling you this story you [TS]

  go that's that shit's all gone in a dump [TS]

  somewhere [TS]

  yeah right by the rational part the [TS]

  rational part would go well obviously [TS]

  it's you know Oliver Occam's razor like [TS]

  the simple solution for this is that [TS]

  it's all just it's in a landfill except [TS]

  the guy thought whoever he or they were [TS]

  they thought to take the passport [TS]

  it's not like they were just sweeping [TS]

  stuff in like the passport was separate [TS]

  from all the other things in its own [TS]

  location they recognized it's value and [TS]

  it's only value was for this that like [TS]

  this person realizes that somewhere [TS]

  between his dealer and the world [TS]

  offenses there's value in a in a pallet [TS]

  like you think that person might have [TS]

  known that there's a potential market [TS]

  for this [TS]

  oh absolutely they didn't take it [TS]

  because they were like enamored with my [TS]

  visa from Djibouti they were like this [TS]

  has value and they made a mistake with [TS]

  like the challenge coins like my [TS]

  challenge coin from the from the drone [TS]

  base in Ethiopia doesn't really have [TS]

  much value it is just shiny and that's [TS]

  what made me feel like it was [TS]

  potentially someone like a rock on the [TS]

  line listener who had gone to the dark [TS]

  side who was either insane to begin with [TS]

  or had been driven insane by our program [TS]

  this episode of Roderick on the line is [TS]

  brought to you by Squarespace you can [TS]

  learn more about Squarespace right now [TS]

  by pointing your web browser at [TS]

  squarespace.com many of you know I've [TS]

  been a huge fan and evangelists a square [TS]

  space for over five years now it's not [TS]

  only the place that I use for hosting [TS]

  many of my own sites and yes my own [TS]

  podcast it's also the first place that i [TS]

  recommend for anyone wanting due to do [TS]

  the same you're using square space right [TS]

  now if you're listening to this program [TS]

  and I assume you are cause you can hear [TS]

  my voice this is hosted on Squarespace [TS]

  John I like it that much [TS]

  Squarespace sites are professionally [TS]

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  they look great right out of the box [TS]

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  Squarespace is trusted by millions of [TS]

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  and that price even includes a free [TS]

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  please check these folks out and tell [TS]

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  your free trial site today no credit [TS]

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  squarespace.com when you decide to sign [TS]

  up and stay with squarespace make sure [TS]

  to use that offer code supertrain [TS]

  that'll get you ten percent off your [TS]

  first purchase our thanks to squarespace [TS]

  for supporting Roderick online and all [TS]

  the great shows [TS]

  Squarespace build it beautiful and they [TS]

  were like I am collecting memorabilia of [TS]

  John Roderick from his own house in [TS]

  order to in order to build a scarecrow a [TS]

  golem of him [TS]

  I don't want to hear but that's right [TS]

  like i'm gonna i am going to build an [TS]

  effigy of him which I then use black [TS]

  magic to turn in hair off a brush [TS]

  yeah yeah right exactly I had no idea [TS]

  because you're trying to figure out what [TS]

  they stole two and it's like to think [TS]

  how many scrabble games that i have i [TS]

  fired for scrabble games did they take a [TS]

  scrabble game that would be an [TS]

  indication that it is that it is a [TS]

  unhinged podcast fan because that [TS]

  doesn't have any value on the open [TS]

  anyway [TS]

  four days ago I'm sitting right here at [TS]

  my desk in my office looking at bring a [TS]

  trailer looking at a picture of a 1978 [TS]

  mazda RX five and the phone rings and [TS]

  it's another instance it rarely happens [TS]

  but it's an instance where I pick up the [TS]

  phone like that's a weird why am i [TS]

  getting a phone number from a unknown [TS]

  caller and the guys this John Rocker I'm [TS]

  like yeah and he says hi this is [TS]

  detective sakamoto from the renton [TS]

  Police Department I'm like the renton [TS]

  police department and that worries me [TS]

  because my house is close enough to [TS]

  renton and he says I think i have a [TS]

  bunch of your stuff and I'm like what [TS]

  he's like yeah I got a passport here and [TS]

  like some kind of giant a really heavy [TS]

  chunk of metal that has a bunch of [TS]

  serial numbers on it what and a ipad and [TS]

  some other shit stacks of shit and I'm [TS]

  like or a UH are you serious [TS]

  he's like you've got all this stuff and [TS]

  I'm like oh where did you find it and he [TS]

  proceeds to tell me a story [TS]

  my house was broken into january [TS]

  thirtieth on january 31st the day that I [TS]

  left on the cruise a patrolman in [TS]

  written the near a nearby town sees a [TS]

  guy sleeping in a car the cars running [TS]

  and apparently in police land if you're [TS]

  sleeping in a running car that is [TS]

  suspicious [TS]

  that's suspicious enough for an officer [TS]

  to pull up and say what's going on which [TS]

  is funny because i have many many many [TS]

  times in my life been asleep in a in a [TS]

  parked car [TS]

  never been passed by a cop but there's [TS]

  the situation the cop says huh guy [TS]

  sleeping in a car goes overlooks sees [TS]

  that the ignition of the car has been [TS]

  jimmied says well that's enough [TS]

  suspicion to feel like this is a stolen [TS]

  car and it is he arrest the guy for car [TS]

  theft because it i'll just learned it's [TS]

  not illegal to be in a stolen car it is [TS]

  illegal to be in a stolen car if there [TS]

  is enough sign that the car is stolen [TS]

  because you could legitimately claim hey [TS]

  I didn't know it was stolen [TS]

  a guy gave it to me I mean like isn't [TS]

  just how are you see you under arrest [TS]

  for suspicion of stealing heart but if [TS]

  if if you're in a car and the instead of [TS]

  an ignition key it has a kitchen knife [TS]

  great then it's fairly reasonable to [TS]

  conclude that you know it's stolen and [TS]

  therefore you are the stealer of it so [TS]

  they arrest this guy for stealing a car [TS]

  and he's got a meth pipe in the car so [TS]

  that compounds the problem for him and [TS]

  they impound the car and they process [TS]

  the sky for car theft and they [TS]

  prosecuted for it they sent him to jail [TS]

  and then nine months go by and detective [TS]

  akimoto is sitting in his at his desk he [TS]

  is a car theft detective and he gets a [TS]

  call from the property room now in [TS]

  october and they say 1000 that case is [TS]

  closed and we're cleaning out of the [TS]

  shelves and we're going to send all this [TS]

  stuff to the dump or to the auction [TS]

  house but there's enough like there's [TS]

  like paperwork here ideas and stuff you [TS]

  might be able to find this guy and [TS]

  detective okamoto says what what is all [TS]

  that they're like always in the trunk my [TS]

  god nobody connected the stolen car to [TS]

  the trunk full of what is clearly [TS]

  somebody else's shit maybe the car [TS]

  stealer is also a house [TS]

  dealer no one at the police department [TS]

  that's sure not your detective work [TS]

  their lives [TS]

  nobody does the policing oh my goodness [TS]

  and I thing is I don't know I i enjoyed [TS]

  talking to Detective okamoto I learned [TS]

  that he commutes to work on a recumbent [TS]

  bicycle but what I did not learn from [TS]

  anyone there the rent police department [TS]

  was how you would put a bin of a shit [TS]

  including other people's wallets and [TS]

  passports and not do a little bit of [TS]

  research just all went on a shelf [TS]

  somewhere so innovative is the password [TS]

  the passport is in there [TS]

  the passport is there your passport with [TS]

  your name on it and your photograph and [TS]

  information about you was in that [TS]

  passport and we never thought to track [TS]

  down that you might want it back [TS]

  not only my passport but my enhanced [TS]

  drivers license which also has my [TS]

  address on it which is about two miles [TS]

  from where the police are you kidding me [TS]

  no ah [TS]

  it also has my goes card which i have to [TS]

  say i called be a department of homeland [TS]

  security four separate times to cancel [TS]

  my ghost card and the first time it was [TS]

  immediately afterwards and I was like [TS]

  this is an emergency they have my ghost [TS]

  card they could be using it to [TS]

  infiltrate al-qaeda members to the [TS]

  United States and I called the number [TS]

  and the phone picked up and went through [TS]

  have a rear but our department of [TS]

  homeland security [TS]

  it's like a fucking cassette tape and so [TS]

  I sat on the Department of Homeland [TS]

  Security cassette tape phone tree for 45 [TS]

  minutes where they're playing like you [TS]

  know like Elton John's lucy in the sky [TS]

  with diamonds and I was finally I was [TS]

  like hey I got other shit to do and I [TS]

  and I got off the phone tree i did that [TS]

  three more times trying to call the [TS]

  Department of Homeland Security to [TS]

  cancel this incredibly important and [TS]

  sensitive document and I finally [TS]

  surrendered and just said you know what [TS]

  if al-qaeda gets into the country by [TS]

  using my ghost card i did that [TS]

  responsibility is shared between me and [TS]

  the Department of fucking Homeland [TS]

  Security a an organization i already [TS]

  have a lot of suspicions about anyway my [TS]

  ghost card is in there too and I never [TS]

  cancelled it so dr. Donna nothing made [TS]

  it to the the Indian chop shop so what [TS]

  made it to the Indian chop shop was my [TS]

  laptop which i am a 100-percent sure he [TS]

  took immediately to the dealer was just [TS]

  like your laptop give me some crank and [TS]

  the dealers like here's some crank and [TS]

  the laptop just made its way into not [TS]

  any kind of identity ring but just like [TS]

  a macbook air you can sell those for [TS]

  something and it just went to some you [TS]

  know like thing is written cops didn't [TS]

  even talk to seattle cops the Seattle [TS]

  cops were in the process of processing [TS]

  the burglary while the written cops were [TS]

  putting the stuff from the burglary on a [TS]

  shelf [TS]

  I don't know how to feel like I really [TS]

  like detective okamoto and I'm even now [TS]

  picturing him riding to work in the rain [TS]

  with his head his helmet which has a [TS]

  little review mirror on it maybe a GoPro [TS]

  a good idea of investigate cars that's [TS]

  all day not having a car [TS]

  mm there's something really really [TS]

  satisfactory about that and I said you [TS]

  ride this thing you write this recumbent [TS]

  bike to work every morning and he said [TS]

  well in all honesty I put it on the [TS]

  train I take it I take the train and [TS]

  then I ride the recumbent bike from the [TS]

  transition to the police station and I'm [TS]

  like you are really he's a japanese [TS]

  company like you are a Northwest a rich [TS]

  all my friends good on you but the [TS]

  policing is where I feel like there is [TS]

  some improvement that could be done and [TS]

  I don't know if it's your fault or the [TS]

  patrol officers fault or or the way you [TS]

  run the property crimes division or I [TS]

  don't know who holds responsible but i [TS]

  think what it was was this was this went [TS]

  into the system as a car theft and then [TS]

  the car theft people handle things a [TS]

  certain way and whoever put it in as a [TS]

  car that didn't also include or you know [TS]

  I don't know they impounded the car [TS]

  somebody I don't know I cannot fathom [TS]

  but you got your passport back so I go [TS]

  down there and I just get all the stuff [TS]

  so what they what I just have been so [TS]

  surreal John totally surreal and [TS]

  including my dad's box of pins like my [TS]

  uh challenge coins my Chinese money the [TS]

  only things that didn't make it back to [TS]

  me where my macbook air as i said and my [TS]

  taxi wallet the entire contents of the [TS]

  wallet minus the money was there all the [TS]

  credit cards all that someone took out [TS]

  all the stuff in your wallet and took [TS]

  the wallet that's how good taxi wallets [TS]

  are and my filson briefcase and when I [TS]

  when the cops were investigating the [TS]

  crime when they were watering around my [TS]

  house and I was like I think they took [TS]

  my sonos and they took my silver bar and [TS]

  of course the cops were like oh really a [TS]

  hundred ounce silver bar how convenient [TS]

  it and I'm like no seriously i had a [TS]

  hundred ounce silver bar use it as a [TS]

  doorstop in there like uh huh [TS]

  really anything that did you also get [TS]

  your Rothko sir [TS]

  yeah did they take your Hope Diamond [TS]

  like go fucking seriously since look at [TS]

  it since I was one of the first things I [TS]

  bought with my own money and they're [TS]

  like oh really and I might look around [TS]

  the house there are dolls of all the [TS]

  United States Presidents here [TS]

  do you really find the their appearances [TS]

  there is a pair of crossed snowshoes [TS]

  above the [TS]

  above the fireplace do you really [TS]

  believe that I don't have a hundred [TS]

  ounce silver bar and the cop had to [TS]

  concede like oh yeah I guess I see how [TS]

  it fits into your decor but then I said [TS]

  I lost a filter filter briefcase and the [TS]

  cop said oh yeah they always steal the [TS]

  field fills and stuff [TS]

  wow I was like really they're like oh [TS]

  yeah it's very identifiable and there's [TS]

  a there's a huge after market for it [TS]

  that's amazing are you kidding me so I [TS]

  see this I see this guy oh so here's the [TS]

  thing detective okamoto says the burglar [TS]

  was Cambodia or location Laotian he [TS]

  actually said location and feeding what [TS]

  he said it and that's that wasn't that [TS]

  wasn't an error on my part and I'm like [TS]

  oh he's he was a Southeast Asian and [TS]

  he's like yeah something like that [TS]

  okay first of all your japanese you [TS]

  should you should have your asian races [TS]

  more dialed than that but that it was [TS]

  not what I expected and my picture of [TS]

  three burglars or my picture of a [TS]

  maniacal rock on the line listener now [TS]

  suddenly was like Boeing it was a guy [TS]

  like a lucky guy from Southeast Asia and [TS]

  now all of a sudden my next-door [TS]

  neighbors who are Vietnamese I'm like [TS]

  wait a minute [TS]

  was it one of the wasn't one of the [TS]

  lowrider guys that hang out over there [TS]

  oh my god like it's like my whole my [TS]

  whole vision of the crime switched [TS]

  around [TS]

  I no longer felt like somebody had been [TS]

  casing my house for weeks i suddenly [TS]

  felt like was this is just a meth crime [TS]

  of opportunity where the person got [TS]

  incredibly lucky pried open the one [TS]

  window that where my my security system [TS]

  because they made they made it around [TS]

  waiting for the light to go out they [TS]

  found a shovel they picked the single [TS]

  all these think this sounds like a [TS]

  fucking mission impossible that [TS]

  absolutely that window and the reason [TS]

  that window was vulnerable was it was [TS]

  painted shut [TS]

  I had never opened that window and I [TS]

  figured it was unopenable but the rotted [TS]

  still allowed them to put the shovel and [TS]

  so I didn't put a lot [TS]

  come on that window because it was a [TS]

  painted shut window but they popped they [TS]

  popped it with the shovel and broke the [TS]

  paint seal and that was the thing that [TS]

  woke me up and I was like this fucking [TS]

  possum has got to go [TS]

  oh so now i am made whole again not only [TS]

  that i have all my shit back and i SAT [TS]

  with the passport and it we had a [TS]

  communion and also by challenge coins [TS]

  and all this other crap ola but i'm also [TS]

  made whole again in the sense that I no [TS]

  longer lay in bed at night thinking that [TS]

  there is a giant conspiracy around my [TS]

  house imagining Russians in Thailand [TS]

  looking at my house from a satellite [TS]

  trying to figure out my comings and [TS]

  goings so that they can best impersonate [TS]

  me right [TS]

  it's just a guy who didn't even have the [TS]

  brains to not fall asleep in his car is [TS]

  stolen car and two I mean one reason [TS]

  that crazy people do things like have [TS]

  ingots of silver is because it's [TS]

  imminently sellable yeah yeah yeah i [TS]

  mean like you know the thing is they you [TS]

  can get your crank dealer your crank [TS]

  connection may give you a couple hundred [TS]

  bucks for a laptop but like boy silver [TS]

  silver is pretty sellable and and the [TS]

  ingot of silver at the at the prices of [TS]

  silver at the time worth more than the [TS]

  laptop a lot more I mean this ingot was [TS]

  just like it is better than currency you [TS]

  could go [TS]

  yeah you could go to a you go to the [TS]

  white homeland with that let's not let's [TS]

  not let's not attract new people to [TS]

  write and then probably this guy [TS]

  wouldn't be welcome at the white [TS]

  homeland no matter how much silver he [TS]

  had his relation [TS]

  that's right is location in any case so [TS]

  that's my week that's only the first [TS]

  thing that happened this week there are [TS]

  two other monumental things but i may i [TS]

  may save that for another episode i [TS]

  think you should so I so here I am just [TS]

  you know like pockets full of challenges [TS]

  mines and a you know on the blacktop [TS]

  gone the film's bag gone but whatever I [TS]

  it's just that small potatoes I got all [TS]

  my solo stuff back like I what I don't [TS]

  even know what to do [TS]

  this is jarring this is very jarring [TS]

  John oh and the cut you know the cops at [TS]

  the rent police department [TS]

  this is the best part of their job right [TS]

  hey we got all your stuff and and I was [TS]

  so grateful and I was just like wow [TS]

  thank you and I loved being in the [TS]

  property room and all the all the [TS]

  cloak-and-dagger of those guys which you [TS]

  have to say is pretty shabby [TS]

  cloak-and-dagger but at least it's like [TS]

  you gotta buzz through the room [TS]

  oh and detective okamoto had his had his [TS]

  hand is magnetized security card in some [TS]

  kind of hip holster who so every time we [TS]

  came to and he wasn't a tall guy every [TS]

  time we came to a door he turned around [TS]

  and hiked up his butt and touch it and [TS]

  the first time I saw the movie I was [TS]

  like oh that's kind of interesting [TS]

  little but then I realized that he does [TS]

  it 40 times a day and he he turns around [TS]

  mic stands up on his tiptoes you guys [TS]

  like a hike in a quarter flip d├ęcor he [TS]

  like cox-1 ass cheek in the air and [TS]

  bonks it kind of like sassy sassy disco [TS]

  bonk onto the onto the magnetized and [TS]

  then the door pops open and all that [TS]

  recumbent bike and staying off [TS]

  you said it and by the third or fourth [TS]

  time you did it I was like this is a [TS]

  this rental police department has some [TS]

  fucking sassy shit here [TS]

  it wasn't you know there's not a lot [TS]

  going on down there is seemingly and not [TS]

  so much that they could have [TS]

  investigated this crime a little better [TS]

  yeah but so they returned me all this [TS]

  stuff and so I'm so grateful that i [TS]

  don't i don't sit them said I don't say [TS]

  is their conference room somewhere we [TS]

  could go sit down for a second let me [TS]

  ask you a few questions about this [TS]

  because you could have saved be nine [TS]

  months of [TS]

  hurt feelings by solving this crime when [TS]

  in like and you know mental and psychic [TS]

  self-torture yeah right you could have [TS]

  solved this crime in one day but it took [TS]

  you nine months to realize there had [TS]

  been a crime even though the Seattle [TS]

  Police Department were who never [TS]

  returned my phone calls and by all [TS]

  appearances never did any investigation [TS]

  of any kind but then detective a [TS]

  kimodo's excited he's like oh they maybe [TS]

  have fingerprints [TS]

  maybe I can tie this crime to the guy [TS]

  sounds gettin I'm like yeah you'd have [TS]

  to be getting to write a recumbent bike [TS]

  to work every day [TS]