Roderick on the Line

Ep. 172: "Gain Stages"

 

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  [Music] [TS]

  hello hi John hi Merlin as it going good [TS]

  I feel loose [TS]

  oh good glad to hear that feel like a [TS]

  longneck goose [TS]

  mm-hmm don't think her felt like that [TS]

  really the you know the the way you [TS]

  measure looseness is on a scale of [TS]

  Gustavus 02 goose me everything I wonder [TS]

  what kind of animal I'd be if you were [TS]

  feeling loose was feeling loose I'm [TS]

  thinking maybe like a like a sloth you [TS]

  know just because it just seems it seems [TS]

  very laid-back slot slot seems loose [TS]

  yeah I could subpoena goose not as [TS]

  losses along that goose [TS]

  mm that's the standard high looseness [TS]

  sound good you sound using your voice is [TS]

  very full o more fuller than can be [TS]

  accounted for by microphone setup [TS]

  hmm sounds always sounds fly i got a new [TS]

  mic I'm still getting used to it [TS]

  how do you like it i think i like it [TS]

  it's unfortunately get it sounds bigger [TS]

  but it brings out a range of my voice [TS]

  that I can't hear very well I can get [TS]

  that Bob Mould problem you know [TS]

  mmm collaborate oh well you know is upon [TS]

  you probably should have but I I think [TS]

  I've lost some part of the range of [TS]

  hearing accounted for by very loud [TS]

  electric guitars and female voices [TS]

  mm so yeah you've got a little you've [TS]

  got a little v-shaped pivot there [TS]

  looking like when I would go back like I [TS]

  really like the sugar albums but when [TS]

  you listen to them they reflect the [TS]

  production of somebody who kind of can't [TS]

  hear me very well you know talking about [TS]

  oh I do i do i do that all the time all [TS]

  the time a lot of my people cannot hear [TS]

  the mid-range especially the kind of the [TS]

  high mid and do you account for that by [TS]

  rock shows or would you say you lost [TS]

  more hearing listening to loud music on [TS]

  headphones or speakers [TS]

  mmm i think that's from rehearsals from [TS]

  band rehearsals like two or three nights [TS]

  a week of having an orange amp in my [TS]

  face during a time when it was [TS]

  understood that you needed to the [TS]

  biggest amp you can afford right and you [TS]

  need and everybody in the band agreed [TS]

  that they needed the biggest and they [TS]

  could afford [TS]

  it's you know it's funny when you put it [TS]

  that way I mean the you know I don't [TS]

  know one of the guys the other guitar [TS]

  player main guitar player in the band [TS]

  was kind of a gear nutso he was always [TS]

  getting new things but mostly play with [TS]

  an orange half stack and I always had [TS]

  some kind of janky you know portable amp [TS]

  just mic'd up and you know for most [TS]

  situations on stage you just don't need [TS]

  you know we all grew I think part of it [TS]

  is we came up with stuff like van Halen [TS]

  men and so you'll you will remember a [TS]

  time in the eighties or what you wanted [TS]

  was a Marshall stack em that she needed [TS]

  what is it like to 410 cabinets and a [TS]

  jcm head or 12 Kevin 412like who needs [TS]

  that who really needs that well you know [TS]

  we believe that all the way through the [TS]

  nineties and looking back at it I don't [TS]

  really understand because and the things [TS]

  I i was there i remember very distinctly [TS]

  feeling like my hundred and twenty wat [TS]

  Sound City head through a 4-12 cabinet [TS]

  was like the bare minimum of what i [TS]

  needed to perform at least that's your [TS]

  traveling gear yet to perform unsalted [TS]

  butter in a room for 350 people and [TS]

  later I traveled with a 15 watt amp [TS]

  right and and still had soundmen in [TS]

  far-flung places like can you turn the [TS]

  guitar down a little bit like that i [TS]

  don't know it was a it was a mass [TS]

  delusion I when I want that first tour [TS]

  that the Western State hurricanes did [TS]

  with death cab for cutie back in 1999 i [TS]

  took a defender pro river which is 35 [TS]

  watt 212 amplifier what's that way I [TS]

  mean it's heavy and it's also i mean [TS]

  they're wonderful wonderful amps but I [TS]

  routinely felt like I was underpowered [TS]

  couldn't hear myself onstage tip the amp [TS]

  back in order in a pointing it right at [TS]

  my head [TS]

  so that i could so that i could monitor [TS]

  myself and it's like what was it was a [TS]

  it was a collective insanity where I was [TS]

  standing up there thinking to myself [TS]

  this is this is important possibly small [TS]

  amp and I only brought it on tour [TS]

  because we didn't have room for the full [TS]

  rig and now I'm at a disadvantage here [TS]

  with only 35 watts and it's nuts [TS]

  it's bananas but picture because you're [TS]

  you're if you're in a situation where [TS]

  you're not trying to i mean this isn't [TS]

  like the era of cream where I guess and [TS]

  the conventional wisdom that i've heard [TS]

  is that one thing that made creme big [TS]

  was that they could fill the auditorium [TS]

  with their sound but also that was the [TS]

  first time the PAS we're getting pretty [TS]

  good so you could play loud and you [TS]

  could they could hear you and you could [TS]

  hear yourself and that was supposedly at [TS]

  the technology of what I mean the [TS]

  original idea of course right was that [TS]

  there you didn't make the amplifiers [TS]

  into the PA the PA was struggling just [TS]

  to get your voice loud enough and so if [TS]

  you wanted your guitar to be heard in [TS]

  the back of the auditorium you need a [TS]

  big amp to to fill the space but by the [TS]

  time I came alone that I mean it wasn't [TS]

  like ps4 a thousand times better now [TS]

  that's a technology that has evolved [TS]

  with leaps and bounds pa pa equipment is [TS]

  so much better now than it was when I [TS]

  was starting out and yet even then it [TS]

  was more than loud enough to get oh you [TS]

  know like to make a small amp and [TS]

  especially for like a club or like you [TS]

  know for a planner you are [TS]

  yeah it's my understanding is that Neil [TS]

  Young has been playing through a 5 watt [TS]

  amp for the last 40 years and he he has [TS]

  all those amps on stage he does have [TS]

  that one super big amp that he only [TS]

  turns on sometimes but most of his tone [TS]

  is coming from like a like a fender [TS]

  champ behind a curtain [TS]

  haha you put in the station wagon that's [TS]

  how I understand it [TS]

  yeah but it's all it's funny like I [TS]

  don't want to overstate this because i [TS]

  don't have a strong feeling about this [TS]

  but it's a little bit like I remember [TS]

  having this feeling where the other kind [TS]

  of man had this great always had much [TS]

  better equipment me he had more money [TS]

  and access any cared more so he was [TS]

  always getting like [TS]

  no new Gibson's eat you'll get a new [TS]

  danelectro get a new one every but you [TS]

  know it always had great great amps so I [TS]

  one point had settled into I had a i [TS]

  think i'm gonna say softech head with [TS]

  this little crummy old Gibson am that i [TS]

  was using as a quote-unquote cabinet but [TS]

  like it was dinky on stage it was on a [TS]

  chair and it didn't feel again don't [TS]

  want to overstate this I don't want to [TS]

  make this strictly a penis thing but i [TS]

  have one or two guys in the band have [TS]

  like a giant like a like what was that [TS]

  cool base camp custom like one of those [TS]

  big cushy you know like the big bass [TS]

  amps that the padding on [TS]

  yeah you would those our customers I I [TS]

  would I would hesitate to call them i [TS]

  mean they're very cool looking right i [TS]

  would i would say they're super it looks [TS]

  good it looks like it looks very rock [TS]

  and roll you know to have something that [TS]

  looks like a cross between a cabinet and [TS]

  a couch and I've got this you know [TS]

  little girl and Kruger size thing on a [TS]

  chair [TS]

  it isn't what they think of the same [TS]

  original visual impact you know but you [TS]

  know but the Gallagher's a fun example [TS]

  because when that came when they [TS]

  remember first hearing one of those at [TS]

  at thoroughbred music and what 85-86 you [TS]

  know like these little little amps that [TS]

  could produce such such a range in such [TS]

  a great amount i'm not saying it's like [TS]

  the greatest amp in the world but like [TS]

  you know I think it didn't it didn't [TS]

  sell with the rock and roll guys because [TS]

  it just didn't look impressive enough [TS]

  you know all of this knowledge that we [TS]

  have of eighties and nineties and in [TS]

  some cases seventies and sixties and [TS]

  fifties guitar and bass and vocal and [TS]

  drum amplification and technology all [TS]

  this knowledge is just useless now or [TS]

  it's like it feels it feels so uh huh [TS]

  that's like the I an entire room in my [TS]

  brain is taken up with shelf after shelf [TS]

  after shelf just like the matrix except [TS]

  instead of machine guns it's the shelves [TS]

  and shelves of knowledge about our qatar [TS]

  Arcana and I spent so much time thinking [TS]

  about and analysis and lost like tears [TS]

  in rain [TS]

  well like what am I supposed to do with [TS]

  it now I'm not ordinary living there was [TS]

  it i usually played sometimes I play [TS]

  with one distortion pedal for a while I [TS]

  play with to distortion pedals and for a [TS]

  time I had three [TS]

  well I could tell when I could tell you [TS]

  well I'd like this distortion ok is but [TS]

  I could explain why yes I could explain [TS]

  why the the other just about to explain [TS]

  them well the fuzz box and the rat and [TS]

  the and the cool little was little [TS]

  orange pedal where you can simulate [TS]

  feedback what was that called because [TS]

  the winter [TS]

  yeah but I mean it was it was a pretty [TS]

  cool distortion pedal and if you held it [TS]

  made a really obnoxious fake feedbacks [TS]

  out don't forget to put your hands [TS]

  no no it was it was a stop box it was [TS]

  made by oh I see if you if you put your [TS]

  foot on it and held it there was a [TS]

  roland pedal but the thing was but it [TS]

  was a pretty ok like it was by third [TS]

  hand distortion box but everybody I can [TS]

  explain circuit 1998 like they were all [TS]

  for different reasons and you use them [TS]

  differently together and like everybody [TS]

  who like cared about like having a [TS]

  guitar sound oh yeah well I'm not going [TS]

  to use always use the built-in [TS]

  distortion on the amp I mean that's kind [TS]

  of money and weird with this I could use [TS]

  this fuzz like this big was a big like [TS]

  Russian was a big muffin was called [TS]

  something marvelous about softech [TS]

  because a soft tech yeah it was a big [TS]

  softech that was great for a buzzy sound [TS]

  but if you wanted to just kick in for a [TS]

  slightly piercing guitar sound you hit [TS]

  the other pedal [TS]

  which boost the signal little bit a [TS]

  little bit of my so so yeah I mean [TS]

  honestly why do you need three [TS]

  distortion effects you don't owe unless [TS]

  you do and yes you do too [TS]

  yes and likely with Orbeez that you put [TS]

  them in like you put the you're gonna [TS]

  have a phaser that use once during the [TS]

  show you know you put that last you [TS]

  would not put that before the distortion [TS]

  and I mean I'm not even good at this [TS]

  stuff and I know this and it now I I [TS]

  have nobody teaching no one cares that [TS]

  you're describing a signal chain and [TS]

  specifically you're describing the gain [TS]

  stages of a signal chain i'm listening [TS]

  and anymore i have spent a lot of time [TS]

  thinking about game gain stages because [TS]

  the thing that the thing is i like to [TS]

  use a clean boost you know my sound is [TS]

  this is this is this is one of the one [TS]

  of the tragedies for me was going out on [TS]

  tour listening to a lot of bands really [TS]

  envying guys that had a real fuzzy sound [TS]

  like you know not a surf had a very very [TS]

  distorted very saturated we call it [TS]

  sound but for the guitar parts that i [TS]

  played my particular sound required a [TS]

  very clean boosted sound for your style [TS]

  for your long and throw your guitar you [TS]

  have a guitar that benefits from that [TS]

  cell that's right a very clean sound if [TS]

  I if I got a really nice like very [TS]

  satisfying saturated sound then as soon [TS]

  as the band would start playing it [TS]

  didn't have the articulation that i [TS]

  wanted i couldn't hear you know that put [TS]

  playing playing playing that I liked and [TS]

  so my gain stages i always had [TS]

  well not always but I tried to also have [TS]

  three but two of those were really kind [TS]

  of just a they were just boosts which is [TS]

  to say they they and so it so it depends [TS]

  it was it it was was very important to [TS]

  know how you wanted to arrange those [TS]

  those boots because if you boost the [TS]

  signal into something that has a ceiling [TS]

  write something that's compressed that [TS]

  boost just just kind of goes in there [TS]

  and gets compressed by the by the [TS]

  compressor further down the band as what [TS]

  st. 44 later somebody who doesn't [TS]

  care it's a little bit think about like [TS]

  the order to do the dishes in you don't [TS]

  you don't you don't know that you don't [TS]

  dry the dishes before you clean them [TS]

  come on you i mean there's that right [TS]

  there is an order you do them in its [TS]

  optimal and you get good at that and [TS]

  that's kind of what you're describing [TS]

  here is nothing like what it is you're [TS]

  trying to accomplish at each stage of [TS]

  that and not having it work across [TS]

  purposes you don't drive the dishes [TS]

  before your washer that's pretty good [TS]

  huh right and so and the thing is late [TS]

  at that goes all the way to the amp that [TS]

  goes all the way to the front end of the [TS]

  amp because some amps have a master [TS]

  volume and the master volume is a kind [TS]

  of like limit on how much the head is [TS]

  gonna light up and some amps don't and [TS]

  so if you send a boost into an amp with [TS]

  a master volume you're going to get a [TS]

  very different response from the from [TS]

  the head from the tubes inside of your [TS]

  head then if you send that boost to an [TS]

  app that doesn't have a master volume is [TS]

  just sitting there waiting to get all [TS]

  this added hot signal sent to it and [TS]

  that's why I ended up you know i love i [TS]

  love I've tried every kind of amp i know [TS]

  i can name every kind of nut but you [TS]

  know you end up your end up going back [TS]

  to those fender amps those simple fender [TS]

  amps because if you send something into [TS]

  the the front of a Fender amp it's going [TS]

  to like lift and it's going to send all [TS]

  this beautiful and shiny really amplify [TS]

  the sound that's right and and and and [TS]

  then it will accept fender amplifier [TS]

  will accept additional power coming into [TS]

  the into the channel like it will it [TS]

  just embraces all this hotted up [TS]

  electricity and it's just going to send [TS]

  that right back to you in the form of [TS]

  rock-and-roll band is a gracious host [TS]

  mmm exactly so I want my daughter so [TS]

  much time thinking about this and I and [TS]

  all that time and up to people who are [TS]

  not in bands and who have probably [TS]

  already turned off this program [TS]

  you know what you end up doing is you're [TS]

  sitting cross-legged on the floor on the [TS]

  bottom section of dirty carpet in your [TS]

  band rehearsal studio while no one else [TS]

  is there and you are chaining together [TS]

  all your effects pedals and switching [TS]

  them around and putting this one in [TS]

  front of that one and now in front of [TS]

  this one and imagining if you only had [TS]

  one additional pedal how different would [TS]

  be how everyone would finally understand [TS]

  what you were trying to say with your [TS]

  guitar instrument I mean hours and hours [TS]

  and hours in these dark and musty rooms [TS]

  figuring out this stuff which now i feel [TS]

  like i feel like there should i should [TS]

  be sitting in front of a room of of 20 [TS]

  year olds all sitting cross-legged on [TS]

  the floor all tried to hook up their [TS]

  boxes and I would be pacing around the [TS]

  front of the room saying now listen you [TS]

  have to remember if you send a stereo [TS]

  signal into a mono input you're going to [TS]

  get up you're going to get a summing and [TS]

  that's going to create a you're going to [TS]

  lose a lot of the in the end they would [TS]

  all be wrapped that's right i'll be [TS]

  taking notes that they have a notebook [TS]

  they have a notebook there they're like [TS]

  there's they're stopping what they're [TS]

  doing right there like oh my god was [TS]

  about to do that and it was just like [TS]

  okay here's what we what we need to do i [TS]

  think the last thing so you know you [TS]

  have a compressor pedal in your chain [TS]

  this is a big question it's a subtle [TS]

  effect but i ended up using the [TS]

  compressor pedal a lot at me at the end [TS]

  or the end of my career I'm sorry I mean [TS]

  that the way you put it in your only [TS]

  don't I don't think you want to put it [TS]

  toward that you don't think when [TS]

  political us sound going through the [TS]

  distortion and yeah you want you want [TS]

  some compression in there cuz what is [TS]

  distortion Merlin if not compression em [TS]

  right what is distortion of not [TS]

  compression or what does compression [TS]

  produce if not distortion but you don't [TS]

  want that you know you put that at the [TS]

  end of your signal chain and all you're [TS]

  doing is you're just squeezing through a [TS]

  toilet paper that big thank you [TS]

  so i have this knowledge I feel like [TS]

  some I feel like a Saturn 5 engineer who [TS]

  is wandering around NASA headquarters [TS]

  during the Space Shuttle era trying to [TS]

  talk to people about the saturn and no [TS]

  one cares anymore they're like that's [TS]

  great you got us to the moon Gramps but [TS]

  you know what [TS]

  now we're up here with the multicultural [TS]

  cast of astronauts don't know more than [TS]

  short sleeve white shirts [TS]

  nope take your pick your pocket [TS]

  protector out and go gently into this [TS]

  good night because we don't give a shit [TS]

  anymore about your dumb guitar knowledge [TS]

  and nice pivot you know and and you [TS]

  think about it it was one of those [TS]

  things that from 1977 to 1997 we were [TS]

  building on a body of knowledge in that [TS]

  entire time it seems like this will [TS]

  always be relevant that's the amazing [TS]

  thing about about reaching Middle Ages [TS]

  you see like how we had 20 years there [TS]

  where it it never seemed like that [TS]

  knowledge was going to stop being useful [TS]

  it seemed like you were building on it [TS]

  and I was not alone [TS]

  tens and tens of thousands of people [TS]

  were also building up tremendous like [TS]

  guitar knowledge goes for so many [TS]

  technologies that because I mean to a [TS]

  large extent also really true for [TS]

  computers like the end of the corpus of [TS]

  data and pseudo data about using Mac's [TS]

  in particular that i have in my head the [TS]

  end of that is also kind of represents i [TS]

  would say the mid mid to late nineties [TS]

  when I feel like I didn't know the most [TS]

  most technically specifically like down [TS]

  to the metal about those computers but i [TS]

  knew a lot about like making them work [TS]

  better or like what software to use to [TS]

  make this thing happen like I knew a lot [TS]

  of that stuff and that's all that's all [TS]

  tears and rain is that right well I mean [TS]

  you know by and large is all kinds of [TS]

  things where you could be a wizard by [TS]

  knowing obviously start with something [TS]

  like turn it off and on but then you [TS]

  also get to something like oh you know [TS]

  rebuild your desktop on the mac or [TS]

  throughout your tcp/ip perhaps you know [TS]

  out of the system folder and all these [TS]

  little things were like there's always [TS]

  little wizard things we had this array [TS]

  of stuff i think that's true for guitar [TS]

  stuff i think it's true for certainly [TS]

  got to be true for stereo equipment [TS]

  I mean how many people even like [TS]

  own and according to Hoyle stereo [TS]

  anymore I remember the first time you [TS]

  told me to turn my computer off and then [TS]

  back on again [TS]

  you do yeah because I was like what [TS]

  what's that gonna do when you're like [TS]

  listen trust me on this [TS]

  sometimes it works miracles was like oh [TS]

  ok I'll do of turn your computer on [TS]

  whatever you say break and then it was [TS]

  like okay your gums coming back on and [TS]

  then it worked and it was like what [TS]

  happened Merlin how did that how did you [TS]

  know that that was going to work and you [TS]

  have this a lot of this you know long [TS]

  explanation about like well you know [TS]

  sometimes they just need to rest is the [TS]

  together get confused [TS]

  yeah and they just need it just needs to [TS]

  reestablish all the all the album Eno [TS]

  all the phone calls establish all the [TS]

  phone calls rewire all of the electrodes [TS]

  that's right needs to just rewrite the [TS]

  encryption it needs to get a hack into [TS]

  the mainframe it needs to it needs to [TS]

  repair those permissions on Jack andrey [TS]

  Jack matrix and so just do it and and I [TS]

  was like then that became Wow go to [TS]

  problem solver kit first thing first [TS]

  tool in the toolbox turn the computer [TS]

  off tumbling it's very humbling [TS]

  yeah yeah I'm gonna feel like turning [TS]

  this computer off right now just to see [TS]

  what would happen that's but often weeks [TS]

  oh really that's nice to hear yeah I i [TS]

  decided i don't know year or two ago [TS]

  that I just gonna stop turning my [TS]

  computer off i was just going to put it [TS]

  to sleep [TS]

  that's fine and that seems to be fine [TS]

  yeah I I feel like God you know people [TS]

  like I think in the unix community yeah [TS]

  I've always had a certain point of pride [TS]

  about like what they're up time is like [TS]

  i haven't had to restart my computer in [TS]

  six months or whatever like the evening [TS]

  with my phone like now that I've got [TS]

  phones that have touch ID and stuff like [TS]

  that [TS]

  I I don't like restarting the phone [TS]

  there are times where I go uh things not [TS]

  working my kids game is not working and [TS]

  I know I know I'm Merlin man I'm the [TS]

  go-to gizmo guy like i know that if i [TS]

  hard reset this phone if I hold down the [TS]

  home key and the sleep button and make [TS]

  it restart like it will probably be fine [TS]

  but then I've got a reactor password [TS]

  sometime [TS]

  that haha did you literally restart your [TS]

  computer [TS]

  what happened while restarting my all of [TS]

  a sudden you're your voice went all [TS]

  robot and then it all went it all went [TS]

  to shit and I felt like it was a clear [TS]

  case of the of the ghost in the machine [TS]

  hearing us and feeling like it was going [TS]

  to X it was going to show us exactly [TS]

  exactly how to repair some permissions [TS]

  by just all--just shit the bed [TS]

  have you guys ever tried running the [TS]

  wireless diagnostic and hope I this [TS]

  episode of Roderick on the line is [TS]

  brought to you in part by Squarespace [TS]

  you can learn more about Squarespace [TS]

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  at squarespace.com as many of you know [TS]

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  only the place that I use for hosting [TS]

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  name if you sign up for a year which you [TS]

  should totally do please check [TS]

  Squarespace out and tell your friends [TS]

  about it you can start your free trial [TS]

  site today with no credit card required [TS]

  by visiting squarespace.com and when [TS]

  you're ready to buy make sure to use [TS]

  that very special offer code super [TS]

  training you will get ten percent off [TS]

  your first purchase our thanks to [TS]

  squarespace for supporting rod on the [TS]

  line and all the great shows [TS]

  Squarespace build it beautiful [TS]

  oh the wireless setup assistant yes he [TS]

  comes in a little tuxedo holding a tray [TS]

  and he says is your is your modem on [TS]

  well I can't help you thanks for trying [TS]

  yeah that's what your frustration with [TS]

  the wireless connectivity troubleshooter [TS]

  is where the delights of my life but [TS]

  some it makes me so mad I don't see how [TS]

  anyone could defend it if I worked at [TS]

  Apple in whatever job i had an apple I [TS]

  would immediately request a transfer [TS]

  into the diagnostic Department you call [TS]

  you call a meeting everybody in here [TS]

  everybody everybody in the conference [TS]

  room please let's go so nicely are gonna [TS]

  change around here i would say what [TS]

  exactly do you think your product does [TS]

  oh you have like you have a John [TS]

  Roderick as Steve Jobs moment where you [TS]

  would say what is what is your what is [TS]

  your job here what does this is what is [TS]

  this thing supposed to do [TS]

  that's right that's right and now what [TS]

  does it do what it's supposed to do what [TS]

  do you imagine people turn to your [TS]

  product to do well is to help people [TS]

  diagnose whether their wireless is [TS]

  working properly far just thought the [TS]

  door was like sugar program and I would [TS]

  be like fired fired fired i could go out [TS]

  into the street and get 25 people random [TS]

  people walking around a mall and they [TS]

  would have a better understanding of how [TS]

  to build a diagnostic system than you [TS]

  ding-a-lings have been working here [TS]

  since the dawn of time I feel like it's [TS]

  the let's probably the last refuge of [TS]

  scoundrels an apple all the guys that [TS]

  have been there since the eighties and [TS]

  up at diagnostics because it still works [TS]

  like it still works exactly like the [TS]

  computer that my it still works like my [TS]

  imac classic just like well I'm having [TS]

  some problems i'm going i don't know [TS]

  what the problem is let's go 20 [TS]

  diagnostic that seems like that word [TS]

  means well and for folks who are just [TS]

  out problem folks were just coming out [TS]

  of this right now it seems like in [TS]

  summary what happens with you say [TS]

  something's not working so you go to the [TS]

  diagnostic tool and then the result of [TS]

  the diagnostic tool is that what you [TS]

  just check this network [TS]

  that's right all it is always the same [TS]

  which is here are here hard the six [TS]

  steps we understand with all are [TS]

  involved turning something off and on [TS]

  and when that doesn't want that [TS]

  inevitably does not solve the problem [TS]

  there's no for no further information [TS]

  it's impossible to glean anything from [TS]

  this tool it doesn't say anything [TS]

  specific although it knows more and [TS]

  that's what's frustrating the diagnostic [TS]

  tool has to know more than it is [TS]

  revealing and so you you wonder whose [TS]

  side are you on diagnostic tool do you [TS]

  work for me [TS]

  do you live in my computer are you my [TS]

  friend you belong to me are you my [TS]

  advocate here [TS]

  uh-huh or are you collecting for nation [TS]

  in which you feel like I'm either not [TS]

  ready to hear not able to understand or [TS]

  are you collecting information on behalf [TS]

  of someone else and and I'm just and [TS]

  you're just telling your just [TS]

  functionary in a train station on the [TS]

  Slovakian border who has one stamp and [TS]

  if you cannot put the stamp in the [TS]

  passport then there's not there's no [TS]

  further conversation to be had [TS]

  it's almost as though you have a [TS]

  technology and extremely sophisticated [TS]

  technology for finding your lost car [TS]

  keys but in order to use it you have to [TS]

  have your car keys in your hand exactly [TS]

  it works flawlessly as long as you have [TS]

  the key in your hand [TS]

  that's right as not only does not [TS]

  actually lost it works fine it's not [TS]

  that he's a what what do i do what do i [TS]

  do I had them here the whole time Thank [TS]

  You diagnostic tool but it's like golly [TS]

  I'd really like to figure out what could [TS]

  possibly be wrong that was because this [TS]

  is what's amazing to me there can't [TS]

  really be that many things wrong like [TS]

  the the computer is never going to come [TS]

  to you and say there's too much salt in [TS]

  it in the in the water or the computers [TS]

  never going to come to you and say no [TS]

  one ever loved you as a child like the [TS]

  computer is only going to say a few [TS]

  things in addition to the things it says [TS]

  right is going to say like here's the [TS]

  amount of signal i'm getting from your [TS]

  modem and it's the and it's in here are [TS]

  the steps type of signals that I like to [TS]

  get in here the ones I don't [TS]

  here are the this is what this signal is [TS]

  telling me but you know what you're [TS]

  doing is you're sitting in a room you're [TS]

  looking over here [TS]

  wireless thing which is which Oh again [TS]

  it only has five lights and those lights [TS]

  are blinking and the so so that machine [TS]

  to the best of its ability is telling [TS]

  you I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine [TS]

  I'm fine and then the computer is [TS]

  sitting right where I mean within within [TS]

  like it could be could reach out and [TS]

  touch the other thing and it's telling [TS]

  you like don't get help you don't know [TS]

  don't know don't know [TS]

  and somewhere between those two there's [TS]

  more information available and I feel [TS]

  like it's a it may be a situation where [TS]

  i need a dongle [TS]

  mmm has some additional lights and the [TS]

  dongle is gonna maybe some kind of a [TS]

  dashboard that maybe seems to me like [TS]

  you want something that goes deeper into [TS]

  the human issues that will be nice if it [TS]

  like let's take an obvious one nam [TS]

  results of the diagnostic comcast sucks [TS]

  like if you could say to you writing [TS]

  sample like oh I when I checked on the [TS]

  internet and I found out that there's an [TS]

  outage in your area or maybe I know this [TS]

  is this is all just blue sky solution [TS]

  hearing what if it said something like [TS]

  you just need a new cable for this [TS]

  mm there you go write your guide you [TS]

  forgot to turn off dropbox and that's [TS]

  taking all of your bandwidth which I [TS]

  think all your bandwidth precisely what [TS]

  does the word that a diagnostic could [TS]

  use these are these are simple [TS]

  this is a simple additional level of [TS]

  Diagnostics like I remember back in the [TS]

  early days of the long winters when [TS]

  Wi-Fi was still very much an exotic and [TS]

  wonderful thing we needed a special card [TS]

  the jam into the side of your computer [TS]

  yes Eric Corson bass player of the long [TS]

  winters and former employee of the apple [TS]

  store i'm sorry the mac store former [TS]

  employee of the mac store [TS]

  oh he worked for an off-brand a [TS]

  third-party yeah we work for a [TS]

  third-party Apple distributor Eric had a [TS]

  had a Wi-Fi card antenna thing but he [TS]

  also had some kind of program which I [TS]

  never took the time to develop an [TS]

  understanding of didn't seem important [TS]

  at the time and we would drive around in [TS]

  the van in the middle of the night [TS]

  because we would invariably be like [TS]

  showing up in some town in the middle of [TS]

  the night and he would have his computer [TS]

  in his lap and his little is little [TS]

  antenna and he'd be we'd be seeking [TS]

  Wi-Fi signal what you're looking for [TS]

  here is it was called a Wi-Fi sniffer it [TS]

  was a sniffer sniffer is putting its [TS]

  little electronic nose up in the air and [TS]

  saying is there Wi-Fi can I sniff it [TS]

  that's right he was sniffing and we were [TS]

  we were on the on the hook right driving [TS]

  slowly that van in gear just idling [TS]

  through these times i remember one night [TS]

  in in like creepy things have been going [TS]

  very slowly by her house was slender man [TS]

  is hunched over his computer looking at [TS]

  your window but we were in des moines [TS]

  one night and des moines is a town [TS]

  I don't know the last time you were [TS]

  there but des moines is a town that [TS]

  really rolls up the sidewalks after dark [TS]

  and so it's a it's kind of a big town [TS]

  but at night at least in the early 2000s [TS]

  still at night [TS]

  there is nothing going on it's just big [TS]

  open streets of the western town and not [TS]

  a not a car in any direction and we're [TS]

  driving through this down and Eric's [TS]

  like well oh I'm getting something I [TS]

  mean I it felt like we were ghost [TS]

  hunters and then you know but his little [TS]

  his little sniffer had more information [TS]

  about what about the signals he was [TS]

  getting and like it was more useful [TS]

  information then then any sort of [TS]

  diagnostic tool on any computer i've [TS]

  ever had you know it was just like turn [TS]

  right turn right like and I don't know [TS]

  whether he was pretending whether he was [TS]

  he was faking at and and I was gullible [TS]

  and on the hook spelling it like a storm [TS]

  chasing crew [TS]

  yeah but we would eventually pull up in [TS]

  front of some strange little motel that [TS]

  would have like really hot Wi-Fi signal [TS]

  or a panera bread and of strip mall [TS]

  somewhere that was close but was still [TS]

  broadcasting on password protected Wi-Fi [TS]

  and we would sit there in the parking [TS]

  lot all of us [TS]

  charged over our our old laptops Wi-Fi [TS]

  and all those those were thrilling times [TS]

  and that and you know and that's what I [TS]

  want I want I want my diagnostic program [TS]

  on my computer to be a kind of sniffer [TS]

  that sniffing out problems [TS]

  that's right and saying like you know [TS]

  what the problem is here the problem is [TS]

  injustice improbable or the promise you [TS]

  didn't want it enough or I shouldn't you [TS]

  be doing something else [TS]

  yeah the problem is extremely specific [TS]

  that goes way beyond just with the bits [TS]

  and bytes [TS]

  yeah right like the all the diagnostic [TS]

  the only solution that offers you are [TS]

  turning your modem on them on and off [TS]

  turn your computer on and off [TS]

  is there a third option no I think [TS]

  that's it I mean it'sit's it ask these [TS]

  questions like is your computer plugged [TS]

  in i hear you asking whether this [TS]

  application might actually be a prank i [TS]

  do feel like it's a prank because [TS]

  there's got to be [TS]

  I'm thinking of one infinite loop now no [TS]

  I'm thinking of one cupertino plaza [TS]

  that's where they send the people that [TS]

  aren't what if it loop anymore [TS]

  yeah one cupertino plaza which is kind [TS]

  of a sixties style police headquarters [TS]

  they just got the brown building and [TS]

  upstairs on the 14th floor there has got [TS]

  to be a section with the point where the [TS]

  where the frosted front glass door says [TS]

  you know lost and found property section [TS]

  diagnostics and you go through that door [TS]

  and there's you know there's a there's a [TS]

  big long desk and and it's like a scene [TS]

  out of the movie Brazil but they've got [TS]

  to be 20 people working there right 20 [TS]

  people let's say working in that section [TS]

  it's not just one [TS]

  hey you like harry reid person in a [TS]

  green visor it's a team and they have [TS]

  done nothing they have done nothing they [TS]

  are sucking off the teat of that Apple [TS]

  largesse and they had a sucking off the [TS]

  teat of lecture that's yeah and no one [TS]

  else know I apparently no one in that [TS]

  company ever uses that because they they [TS]

  know the lat [TS]

  the last time they tried to use it was [TS]

  1998 didn't do anything and so they [TS]

  unlike me never tried again yeah they [TS]

  they don't keep going back trying to get [TS]

  a different result of the same dumb tool [TS]

  maybe I sold themselves by reading your [TS]

  bug reports and reading everything log [TS]

  files about how frustrated your here's [TS]

  the thing i believe it never submitted [TS]

  buggin ya work i never submit a bug [TS]

  report because that is how that's how [TS]

  they get the hooks in you that's how the [TS]

  NSA figures out that you're a complainer [TS]

  haha you know and they put us before you [TS]

  get you pegged as a bellyache ER your [TS]

  belly acre you're sending these bug [TS]

  reports they're like we got a live one [TS]

  over here and you know there are plenty [TS]

  of plenty of people out there who are [TS]

  submitting informed bug reports but my [TS]

  bug reports would all be what the fuck [TS]

  is wrong with your stupid-ass company [TS]

  and I'd get on some list my mom's been [TS]

  saying this to me my whole life don't [TS]

  get on a list [TS]

  you don't got a list don't get on a list [TS]

  of belly acres because listen Billy [TS]

  acres i personally don't my mom [TS]

  subscribe to a worldview where their [TS]

  list of belly acres our alcohol so I [TS]

  understand so it could be something [TS]

  where you call into comcast and say the [TS]

  diagnostic says nothing's broken [TS]

  what's going on with your with your with [TS]

  your internet setup and suddenly your [TS]

  accounts flag your belly acre yeah men [TS]

  from then on every time you call to [TS]

  complain they route your call through [TS]

  some special bank of operators who are [TS]

  there to deal with problem customers now [TS]

  my mom's worldview is a little bit more [TS]

  paranoid and she people it is that that [TS]

  like there's some list at 911 or the [TS]

  police department they're like we don't [TS]

  send cars out to them they're crazy [TS]

  oh but i know enough people in the [TS]

  police department and with the EMTs [TS]

  where they do the EMTs do you say we go [TS]

  to that person all the time they are [TS]

  just restarted my computer there's [TS]

  nothing open not in safari is up but I'm [TS]

  not even looking at pictures of old cars [TS]

  google drive has been trying to get me [TS]

  to do something I don't I don't know [TS]

  what sign back in to Google Drive that's [TS]

  happening on it [TS]

  Apple drive whatever their apple drive [TS]

  has been for the last for the last two [TS]

  months [TS]

  every time I go into by a apple mail on [TS]

  my phone [TS]

  let's see what the thing pops up here [TS]

  and it says I go to reply to somebody's [TS]

  email and that says although sign in to [TS]

  iCloud over the Apple ID password [TS]

  this is on your on your phone on my [TS]

  phone and at some point i don't i don't [TS]

  know how i got signed out of iCloud I [TS]

  think maybe I change i don't know i [TS]

  changed [TS]

  sometimes that there's a bug that went [TS]

  around recently where sometimes you have [TS]

  to sign in three times right and at a [TS]

  certain point the first time it was it [TS]

  likes through that flag up i tried to [TS]

  sign into it and nothing happened and [TS]

  and maybe I tried a second time and [TS]

  nothing happened so i just closed the [TS]

  window and realize that i could continue [TS]

  to send email i didn't have to be signed [TS]

  in to iCloud to do any things that my [TS]

  phone wants to do and so it became [TS]

  another thing that I just ignore and it [TS]

  throws up that the excitement iCloud and [TS]

  I go close and then I said it's just one [TS]

  more step one more vaguely irritating [TS]

  step and I don't know what happened and [TS]

  whether that means that none of my stuff [TS]

  is being backed up to the clewd but [TS]

  around your connection right now is [TS]

  really really bad i think you might get [TS]

  a bellyache your list do you think that [TS]

  I should restart my modem ok this is all [TS]

  so bitterly ironic you guys should do it [TS]

  should I open up the window of my office [TS]

  and shout I Matabele but i wanna get [TS]

  anymore [TS]

  all right let's uh let's disconnect the [TS]

  kitchen and see if we can fix it i'm [TS]

  gonna read I'm going to restart my moat [TS]

  this episode of Roderick on the line is [TS]

  brought to you in part by braintree code [TS]

  for easy online payments to learn more [TS]

  right now please visit braintree [TS]

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  please go to braintree payments dot-com [TS]

  / supertrain thanks to braintree for [TS]

  taking the pain out of mobile payments [TS]

  and for supporting Roderick on the laws [TS]

  and started up and you sound pretty good [TS]

  did it [TS]

  I mean I checked my diagnostic tool and [TS]

  it is that restart your modem restart [TS]

  your computer [TS]

  yeah well you know what will give it a [TS]

  spin welcome back everybody has run here [TS]

  and not stick huh [TS]

  I uh I can't prove this and I'm going to [TS]

  have to do some experimenting previous [TS]

  but i'm pretty sure i've been banned by [TS]

  a thai restaurant really i think i'm on [TS]

  the belly acre list [TS]

  how so walk me through it okay i'll give [TS]

  you the facts in evidence facts and [TS]

  evidence are that there is a restaurant [TS]

  so we use this app eat24 you know it's [TS]

  like one of those you know online [TS]

  delivery apps which you know as it turns [TS]

  out most restaurants hate because it's a [TS]

  real pain in the butt for them like you [TS]

  know if you have a restaurant this point [TS]

  you have to have like five iPads running [TS]

  all the time to see all the orders [TS]

  coming in and sleep they hated like [TS]

  please just call us please just let me [TS]

  use this place was really easy and makes [TS]

  it easy like reorder what you've gotten [TS]

  before [TS]

  see just like reorder what I got next [TS]

  time it's just I place that we really [TS]

  like like it's okay i mean like you know [TS]

  it's the food is really good delivery is [TS]

  pretty spotty but ok [TS]

  we used to order for them like [TS]

  constantly like a lot like you know [TS]

  sometimes once a week and you know is [TS]

  that they say that the service and [TS]

  delivery was spotty so I had a little [TS]

  bit of a bee in my bonnet but so what [TS]

  about the service was spotty didn't come [TS]

  sometimes sometimes have you ever had an [TS]

  experience with delivery or even a [TS]

  restaurant let it easy like let's see [TS]

  you go to a restaurant and it's not the [TS]

  greatest service in the world but the [TS]

  food's pretty good you say hey you know [TS]

  we ordered you know 25 minutes ago right [TS]

  is how's everything going on I can you [TS]

  know it'll be a few minutes [TS]

  how you doing back there and then it's [TS]

  three hours later and they're still [TS]

  saying like oh it will be out in a few [TS]

  minutes [TS]

  you know what i mean but yeah nothing [TS]

  really just actually just give me the [TS]

  report like if there's not gonna happen [TS]

  tonight just tell me and we'll have [TS]

  something else right and it's nice that [TS]

  you know the difference between a place [TS]

  that's like here you know here I here's [TS]

  an appetizer sorry for the problem or [TS]

  like your cup your coffees on me even as [TS]

  a small thing but those places that come [TS]

  that that you know that bring the thing [TS]

  like an hour later and it's cold and [TS]

  it's got a booger on it yep and then [TS]

  they're just like charge of the full [TS]

  price [TS]

  it's not really so far off from a kind [TS]

  of United Airlines experience of like [TS]

  well you know the planes gonna be [TS]

  delayed i had this coming actually [TS]

  heading out to portland on my last [TS]

  flight where it's like there was [TS]

  something right or the story is really [TS]

  boring story but basically it's one of [TS]

  those things really look it's gonna be [TS]

  six hours [TS]

  tell me it was gonna be cancelled can [TS]

  you just tell me like just tell me if [TS]

  it's canceled that's ok but they don't [TS]

  want to cancel the flight [TS]

  maybe in this case didn't want to cancel [TS]

  the order anyway i'm certain you [TS]

  everybody's had experiences like this so [TS]

  in the case of this one place i guess i [TS]

  don't remember the details its kind of [TS]

  foggy all I know is they really ate [TS]

  booger one night like big time they [TS]

  screwed up the order they weren't [TS]

  responding [TS]

  maybe they did that thing where they [TS]

  took it to the street instead of the [TS]

  avenue that happens all the time but it [TS]

  was was a total clusterfuck and I i [TS]

  called and i was like what is going on I [TS]

  was really mad friday night watching TV [TS]

  it's like it's eating night right it's [TS]

  time to eat this is the night that week [TS]

  it was the one night we eat this is the [TS]

  night we have television and like you [TS]

  know I was like forty dollars with the [TS]

  thai food somewhere presumably [TS]

  and you know i have to say i am i'm not [TS]

  so much this guy anymore but I can still [TS]

  kind of sometimes be this guy if I'm [TS]

  super mad and I got a bunch of [TS]

  hard-earned money going into thai food [TS]

  that might be somewhere that makes me [TS]

  frustrated a certain point especially [TS]

  when I feel like I'm not getting the [TS]

  whole story [TS]

  oh now wait a minute and this is through [TS]

  an app right so the money is already [TS]

  gone [TS]

  he's already tomorrow initially I [TS]

  working through there was something I I [TS]

  don't remember there's been some [TS]

  problems this place there's things like [TS]

  we didn't have what you wanted and you [TS]

  didn't call us to say you want to [TS]

  substitute the computer went down and we [TS]

  had no way to call you [TS]

  there's all these different things that [TS]

  happen you know a lot of is probably the [TS]

  fault of these middle persons so usually [TS]

  you deal with the middle persons you [TS]

  never seen a messaging window talking to [TS]

  them [TS]

  long story short I need to know for the [TS]

  story is i'm sure i was at least half a [TS]

  dick with them but they did really screw [TS]

  up and they were and it was just [TS]

  everything about the experience was [TS]

  really poor and they handled badly and [TS]

  to some extent probably I handled it [TS]

  badly I was not as kind as I can be [TS]

  yes very very kind I'm actually i accede [TS]

  you've seen me i'm a polite and kind [TS]

  person you're very kind and you're very [TS]

  polite especially with strangers [TS]

  yes my friends got no time for but I so [TS]

  flash-forward I think we might have [TS]

  ordered I feel like we may be able to [TS]

  gain but i'm only knows another friend [TS]

  that comes along and were like oh well [TS]

  let's give it a throw again we get the [TS]

  order we see repeat this order [TS]

  everything is going fine until i get to [TS]

  the checkout it says em we can't deliver [TS]

  to this address [TS]

  well that tells me that the app tells me [TS]

  that can deliver to this adrenaline so [TS]

  maybe they changed their coverage area [TS]

  i'm thinking i might try ordering today [TS]

  even from have it delivered to my office [TS]

  and see what happens to you so fucking [TS]

  smart [TS]

  I have a feeling they got put on a list [TS]

  as a bellyache ER haha i think that [TS]

  think its ramifications you got put on a [TS]

  bellyache your list and now they don't [TS]

  deliver to your zone III think I've been [TS]

  dzone I've been red line wow so do you [TS]

  use the do you use the uber service [TS]

  yes and are you are as as i understand [TS]

  it now from following along the Twitter [TS]

  machine [TS]

  yep over to review is going on [TS]

  Cooper rates you you rate / / rates you [TS]

  okay now how's your how's your rating as [TS]

  a [TS]

  customer I'm so I'm so embarrassed but [TS]

  every aspect of the story i'll avoid the [TS]

  the apologetics and shame i think it was [TS]

  a terrible company [TS]

  unfortunately I've had maybe two cabs [TS]

  ever come to my house because of where i [TS]

  live right to end up using over or in [TS]

  the case of being a Portland it was just [TS]

  it was super easiest way and I feel like [TS]

  a bad person let's say that for another [TS]

  episode [TS]

  ok now here's my problem i'm talking [TS]

  about this other places but I if i'm [TS]

  reading my own music if i'm reading [TS]

  anything I treat five stars like a [TS]

  serious thing [TS]

  no you're not going to get 5 stars2 just [TS]

  any old oh my god [TS]

  well here's the thing and I I've had to [TS]

  really think about this because i think [TS]

  it should be like a bell curve i think [TS]

  most of the reviews for stuff is [TS]

  probably going to be a 3mm if everything [TS]

  and so here's my rate in the past and [TS]

  I'm going somewhere with this in the [TS]

  past my feeling has been if everything [TS]

  went as well as could be expected plus [TS]

  or minus twenty percent up well and plus [TS]

  or minus 10 percentile get four stars if [TS]

  everything went as well as could be [TS]

  expected [TS]

  everybody just did their job search [TS]

  three starts coming after a jets bits [TS]

  ob- succeeded at not setting the house [TS]

  on fire you 3 stars three be happy with [TS]

  three and then I found out that if [TS]

  you're an uber driver and your rating [TS]

  consistently drops below 4.7 oh you get [TS]

  fired you go right into the shipping [TS]

  container [TS]

  yep and then they hit you with rubber [TS]

  hoses and pour cold water on you [TS]

  that's right that's right and and you [TS]

  get a send your bill for it LOL 4.7 [TS]

  points7 is a lot of stars you know what [TS]

  i do now and also yes because i know [TS]

  they they review me I just give [TS]

  everybody five stars [TS]

  yeah and if it tears my heart apart yeah [TS]

  if you are so wrong but I I know their [TS]

  rating me I know whatever it's a dumb [TS]

  company it's just it's it's a mess [TS]

  inside of a mess [TS]

  so what do you do that well see i don't [TS]

  use uber is for you used it a couple of [TS]

  times I've spent more time in Hoover's [TS]

  that were called by john hodgman then i [TS]

  have spent in Cooper's called by anyone [TS]

  else because a husband loves its or at [TS]

  least he did I don't know what his [TS]

  feelings about the politics are but [TS]

  early on he was an early adopter and you [TS]

  know he does that thing weighs like [TS]

  we need a car and he you know bleep and [TS]

  then all of a sudden a stretch limo [TS]

  pulls up and you're like what the fuck [TS]

  is this an easy and I don't know it was [TS]

  the closest one like wow you get in [TS]

  these things stretch limo come on [TS]

  so you know he's living high on the hog [TS]

  uh-huh i spent a lot of time in these [TS]

  things but I have never rated anyone [TS]

  knows I know there's no I don't maybe [TS]

  there's a rating of me [TS]

  oh I think I've never asked because I [TS]

  kind of don't want to know [TS]

  yeah but no but my so I do not tip [TS]

  additionally because i feel like that is [TS]

  against the principal got no and I don't [TS]

  and I'm I'm course I'm very chatty [TS]

  because i want to know all about [TS]

  everybody i'm one of those people that [TS]

  starts talking to the cab driver right [TS]

  away and Blake indicate to me that they [TS]

  don't want to talk that's fine but like [TS]

  I want to hear but I want to hear their [TS]

  life story because it's always [TS]

  interesting huh and yeah I've told you [TS]

  write the cab i had a cab driver in [TS]

  washington DC one time to say to me like [TS]

  you know here's the thing [TS]

  oh yeah he wants to hear what your story [TS]

  yeah he's like I tell my story 25 times [TS]

  a day island our air train or something [TS]

  yeah that's right he was from the [TS]

  retreat and he's like I want to hear [TS]

  your story that's what's interesting to [TS]

  me because you know like that's how I [TS]

  learned and know that my customers are [TS]

  interesting i don't want to just tell my [TS]

  dumb story over and over and I was like [TS]

  oh haha that's yes [TS]

  alright i'm not doing you a favor by [TS]

  asking you to tell me your story who I [TS]

  should get in the cab [TS]

  sit down and say let me tell you about [TS]

  my day and that would be interesting to [TS]

  us both [TS]

  so that's what I feel like there's [TS]

  something here that's not the opposite [TS]

  of an eel but it's a compliment to the [TS]

  problem of the Eels do you use ebay i [TS]

  used ebay once [TS]

  well it was in the nineties I I screwed [TS]

  up [TS]

  I i made it all the way to 2013 without [TS]

  ever having used ebay and in the early [TS]

  two thousands my girlfriend at the time [TS]

  would was pretty big on ebay she's kind [TS]

  of a big deal and we would go to thrift [TS]

  stores and she would buy all these [TS]

  things that were inexplicable too [TS]

  like air jordans you know she would find [TS]

  all this stuff that was not for her and [TS]

  I had I was never a thrift store person [TS]

  that went looking for stuff not for me [TS]

  right i would find really cool stuff but [TS]

  if it didn't fit me if I didn't want it [TS]

  i would just throw it back into the pond [TS]

  but she would you know she was she would [TS]

  see some old Nikes and be like oh oh and [TS]

  i could sell this and I would go why you [TS]

  buying those that she's like.you never [TS]

  you mind [TS]

  and then she would put them up on ebay [TS]

  and ship and sometimes sell them for a [TS]

  ton of money because you could still [TS]

  find somebody out there is gonna want oh [TS]

  yeah and you can still find really and I [TS]

  think you still can I feel if you're [TS]

  that type of person but it used to be [TS]

  early days of ebay you can still find [TS]

  incredible stuff it just lying around [TS]

  and sell it to people for hundreds and [TS]

  hundreds of dollars so she had this [TS]

  whole sideline going independent her [TS]

  nature was to be a little bit secretive [TS]

  from me so she was all you know I'd look [TS]

  over shortly be like what are you [TS]

  selling those on ebay and she's like.you [TS]

  never you mind like don't don't worry [TS]

  about ever that that's my business [TS]

  that's left for you but then in about [TS]

  2003 or 2004 remember ever have one of [TS]

  those hilarious conversations that [TS]

  reflect reflect on now where she's like [TS]

  ebay used to be great but it's shit now [TS]

  I don't even want to be on there i don't [TS]

  want to do it anymore sucks and not [TS]

  having ever been on there at the time I [TS]

  was like wow [TS]

  too bad i missed the i miss the time [TS]

  when ebay was great and now it's 2004 [TS]

  and ebay sucks and so I never I never [TS]

  learned anything about it until two [TS]

  thousand fucking 13 and I decide I'm [TS]

  gonna ferrari rare and I go on their [TS]

  number are gonna call center entrance [TS]

  surfers solar like this is ten percent [TS]

  less than wrenches in the store Newser [TS]

  sorry but it's also but it's also a game [TS]

  it's a game right i mean no I mean in a [TS]

  pejorative I mean in the sense that like [TS]

  the gaming and [TS]

  respective ebay ms must be part of what [TS]

  makes it detective well and it's what [TS]

  it's part of what makes it suck too but [TS]

  but there's a whole so on craigslist i'm [TS]

  sure you know about the craigslist [TS]

  lectures that people have in their item [TS]

  you know whether like for sale [TS]

  one iphone no flakes note you know know [TS]

  this i will sell this only to a person [TS]

  with high moral integrity who comes [TS]

  directly to my house and stands there [TS]

  contrite with hat in hand and asks me [TS]

  for permission and calls me sir and I [TS]

  will not I do not support you do not [TS]

  call this number with any solicitations [TS]

  you know like all these guys who are [TS]

  just who are taking out their anger and [TS]

  frustration in there craigslist ad [TS]

  trying to preempt what they imagine is a [TS]

  world of scammers and lowlifes and [TS]

  doorbell ringer the only effective way [TS]

  to keep those people away as to offer a [TS]

  stern lecture editor lecture and do not [TS]

  call this number if you have not have [TS]

  crab prior military service and proven [TS]

  your love America and it's just like [TS]

  fuck you guys like each shit i want to [TS]

  call this number and hang up now i [TS]

  wanted i wanted to to to ring and dash [TS]

  or whatever like i want to put a burning [TS]

  bag of dog shit on your doorstep and and [TS]

  it's not even Halloween but on ebay [TS]

  there's this subclass there are plenty [TS]

  of people on ebay who have similar [TS]

  lectures but there's the subclass of of [TS]

  of add that extremely pedantically i [TS]

  would say even ebay splaining this is [TS]

  the term explains that anything less [TS]

  than a five star rating [TS]

  you might as well yeah be pissing on [TS]

  their face and so if you cannot give [TS]

  them a 5-star rating then say nothing [TS]

  but they do not want your four-star [TS]

  rating they do not want your third star [TS]

  rating if you give them four stars four [TS]

  of a possible five it is tantamount to a [TS]

  Scarlet Letter it's tantamount to [TS]

  putting them in the public stocks and [TS]

  makes you makes you sort of a tease [TS]

  disabuse term it makes you a little bit [TS]

  of a rating prick tease [TS]

  it's like you took the time to do it but [TS]

  you didn't do what you're supposed to do [TS]

  with it [TS]

  you didn't give him five stars that [TS]

  you're supposed to give like Jenna yeah [TS]

  that's right so like yeah exactly and i [TS]

  know there are I'm sure the exact same [TS]

  guys that are writing those craigslist [TS]

  ads are also out there giving three star [TS]

  ratings to people uh and that is that is [TS]

  perceived you know that is that's also [TS]

  similar to like the way i use periods in [TS]

  in texting and it makes me seem mean all [TS]

  right instead of ! read about this on [TS]

  the internet that I'm not supposed to [TS]

  use punctuation anymore because it makes [TS]

  me sound angry [TS]

  same here you're doing you're doing the [TS]

  right thing which is saying you know [TS]

  what it was fine i'm gonna ride behind [TS]

  the packaging was fine that everything [TS]

  was fine [TS]

  it might have been better could have [TS]

  been worse it was fine I mean you know [TS]

  like the like I get stuff in the mail [TS]

  and I and the only way you could [TS]

  describe it is fine as long as there's [TS]

  really only three reviews on the [TS]

  contemporary internet it's either five [TS]

  stars one star or no right so either you [TS]

  give it the full five stars to get one [TS]

  star cause you're mad or there's nothing [TS]

  said but right and that and that offends [TS]

  me because i have in my in my soul a [TS]

  full panoply of star ratings more than 1 [TS]

  and 1 like 1 vector more than one aspect [TS]

  five stars of what [TS]

  no thank you like with this kid that [TS]

  kids getting the rate i'm glad to say [TS]

  that i had a ride on the over the other [TS]

  day and the kids playing super loud rap [TS]

  music he had all the windows rolled down [TS]

  he took a crazy route [TS]

  what games 5 stars he deserved 2-0 stars [TS]

  the the reason I think this is the this [TS]

  is the facebook thumbs-down problem [TS]

  right facebook finally needed a thumbs [TS]

  down because there's just too much [TS]

  desire to two thumbs down stuff and so I [TS]

  i still haven't seen it I haven't seen [TS]

  the thumbs down [TS]

  what they've rolled it out yet or if [TS]

  it's to have any I haven't even looked [TS]

  at facebook i deactivated my kind of [TS]

  looked at in years [TS]

  yeah i'm going to just go ahead and [TS]

  arbitrarily predict that this will be [TS]

  the thing to remember is the end of [TS]

  facebook I i think i think you may be [TS]

  right it because it creates a [TS]

  capitulation to something that's I think [TS]

  there's a whole lot of grenades rolling [TS]

  around on the floor facebook that we're [TS]

  not gonna hear about for a while I think [TS]

  that a lot of the real name stuff is is [TS]

  super fucked up and bugs me a lot but [TS]

  anyway I don't go to the site but I'm [TS]

  just telling you soon as I heard about [TS]

  the thumbs-down I was like you're gonna [TS]

  make it a little bit too real [TS]

  yep it's gonna get in times he out there [TS]

  but here's my question to you know this [TS]

  is the big this has always been the big [TS]

  question on facebook for me [TS]

  somebody's post somebody you know but [TS]

  not well and the post is my mom died [TS]

  today [TS]

  odia star it do you give that a thumbs [TS]

  up i will see the light there [TS]

  yeah but the Twitter version that was [TS]

  somebody's dog died like to start to [TS]

  start that when did you send response [TS]

  somebody I've never actually met [TS]

  I'm sorry for anybody who's dog died oh [TS]

  my god that's the worst like I don't [TS]

  know them personally I didn't even know [TS]

  they had a dog but having your dog dies [TS]

  sucks so do i send a response to get [TS]

  into a conversation about a dead dog if [TS]

  I started that seems a little weird but [TS]

  so here is so here's the additional [TS]

  complication you're on facebook [TS]

  my mom died today and then you look and [TS]

  it has 385 faves [TS]

  so now you know if you do if you do [TS]

  friend it or if you do smiley face it [TS]

  you're in good company right 385 other [TS]

  people have felt like that was the only [TS]

  appropriate response [TS]

  it's it's a little bit like a like a [TS]

  high five or a hug you can be [TS]

  interpreted in a lot of different that's [TS]

  right it's it and and and said sense i'm [TS]

  not even sure if you can still poke [TS]

  somebody on facebook at band i'm not i [TS]

  don't know I shouldn't be asking you you [TS]

  know a time you can get something called [TS]

  superpoke [TS]

  haha there was smoke and somebody poked [TS]

  me and I poke them back i understand why [TS]

  we're poking each other- other thing you [TS]

  can get from their little of this [TS]

  downloading astoria from looking like [TS]

  people fucking popcorn and you get down [TS]

  superpoke superpoke well this is the [TS]

  thing if I had a fucking dollar for [TS]

  every superpoke up given oh no i'm [TS]

  saying and what you have but i'd have I [TS]

  would you know I would be a I would be a [TS]

  professional gigolo instead of a a sort [TS]

  of a hobbyist obvious but my question is [TS]

  like you can't poke somebody when [TS]

  they're mom died or i guess you can [TS]

  presume that that's one that's one [TS]

  possible response seems a little glib [TS]

  but now if Facebook has thumbs down [TS]

  options [TS]

  oh geez mom dies do you thumbs down it [TS]

  like that's so like somebody says hey my [TS]

  mom died and somebody goes boo [TS]

  yeah right like okay so are you are you [TS]

  booing the news and saying that sucks [TS]

  are you saying your mom was kind of a [TS]

  dick to begin with or on a more like I [TS]

  don't know Roland barks level are you [TS]

  like criticizing the fact that they're [TS]

  talking about fucking face exactly are [TS]

  you thumbs down in the whole idea of two [TS]

  of like this conversation like this [TS]

  fucking sucks like don't don't clog my [TS]

  feed with your fucking sorrow so on [TS]

  YouTube right where there was always a [TS]

  thumbs up and thumbs down it became it [TS]

  was established pretty early on you [TS]

  could put a video of Thomas Jefferson [TS]

  himself reading the preamble to the [TS]

  Constitution and [TS]

  Constitution and [TS]

  there would be 17 people that comes down [TS]

  to it Yeah right just being an American [TS]

  people than a huge more people remarking [TS]

  on the like who would thumbs-down this [TS]

  so people have no hard have no heart [TS]

  right but that's at least that's baked [TS]

  into the to the dat dumb interface and [TS]

  the and the fact is you know we have [TS]

  like the ability to communicate now in [TS]

  real-time three-dimensional augmented [TS]

  reality we do [TS]

  oh I do because i'm i'm i'm hooked in [TS]

  with the with the special class all we [TS]

  almost do right you could almost have I [TS]

  could appear on your desk and say Merlin [TS]

  one kenobi help me you're my only hope [TS]

  and then i would go to h and you'd be [TS]

  like wow were there we are Jenner it's [TS]

  it's you know a long time ago now in a [TS]

  galaxy far away except it's now it's [TS]

  here [TS]

  and yet we are still communicating with [TS]

  like semaphores basically then we only [TS]

  have two semaphores a giant up some [TS]

  added and now a giant down we need some [TS]

  more fingers I feel like an AE [TS]

  experience this with your period right [TS]

  there has never been like there that we [TS]

  have all this emotional top end to our [TS]

  punctuation for her ! hyphens [TS]

  uh-huh but there's this artificial floor [TS]

  of the period there's nothing there's no [TS]

  punctuation that goes below a period so [TS]

  the period has become the default [TS]

  lowest-rated lowest rating it's such a [TS]

  shame because i'm writing something you [TS]

  know informally like right now just [TS]

  typing down like little notes entitled [TS]

  things and where the sky called I'd I [TS]

  don't feel the need to put a period at [TS]

  the end of every line but to me when I [TS]

  when I see something that doesn't end [TS]

  with a period I kind of read it read it [TS]

  as a a anything like an inchoate thought [TS]

  or as a title especially if it's [TS]

  entitled case but if I see something [TS]

  that's meant to be a sentence and it [TS]

  doesn't have a period [TS]

  it bothers me like it's like leaving the [TS]

  the cap off the toothpaste it's like [TS]

  that should [TS]

  that should have a period because it's a [TS]

  sentence and like I don't know [TS]

  and now for example i am also one of [TS]

  those people i mean i'm not have a super [TS]

  strong opinion but I do think I still [TS]

  think it's funny when people use two [TS]

  spaces after a period when they're [TS]

  typing you think that's funny i think [TS]

  it's a little funny and I have a strong [TS]

  i don't get mad about it did you [TS]

  how are you educated well when you typed [TS]

  on a typewriter you had to because of [TS]

  the way that typing work it was the only [TS]

  way to really visually set it off from [TS]

  the sentence before but at what point [TS]

  did you make the at what point did you [TS]

  make the transition to working on [TS]

  computers from typewriters nuclear [TS]

  1987-88 but i don't i think i probably [TS]

  still I'll bet you look at stuff I wrote [TS]

  in the eighties and even most of the [TS]

  nineties i bet it didn't stop doing two [TS]

  spaces didn't read a book a book on you [TS]

  know i think it's called the the [TS]

  Macintosh is not a typewriter was the [TS]

  name of the book or it could be the [TS]

  don't steal sheep book but you know one [TS]

  of those books on typography for [TS]

  laypeople and like how you know digital [TS]

  stuff is different from you know [TS]

  typewriter stuff so i probably didn't [TS]

  officially start doing it until the [TS]

  2,000 some point right [TS]

  but you see it you can see it in [TS]

  somebody's that's one way you could tell [TS]

  us somebody wrote themselves is like if [TS]

  Robert Evans is out there you know at [TS]

  first of all his senses already make [TS]

  almost no sense which is why it's great [TS]

  to follow him [TS]

  you follow robert evans on twitter i did [TS]

  not know that Robert Robert Evans was [TS]

  still alive followed by fall to follow [TS]

  robert evans you're actually doing all [TS]

  robert evans bet your ass I i I'm I'm [TS]

  embarrassed to say I did not know he was [TS]

  well it's funny because you know he's [TS]

  like 80-something yeah and the kids just [TS]

  occasionally just show up and he's like [TS]

  a markov chain or or like some kind of [TS]

  is like to become a bot he just spews [TS]

  out this this combination of words and [TS]

  memories and spaces and and names and [TS]

  it'll just be some random memory will [TS]

  quote himself some friday night or [TS]

  something he just has 10 toots and its [TS]

  really funny [TS]

  that's great you know the the president [TS]

  of Kazakhstan is kind of like that how [TS]

  nice he only tweets very periodically [TS]

  but when he does it's always like a [TS]

  total tweet storm except generally the [TS]

  tweet storm is like cosmic standstill is [TS]

  leader of above of corn harvest [TS]

  and people to feel like 10 or 15 tweets [TS]

  touting the counting the fact that [TS]

  Kazakhstan has the greatest human rights [TS]

  record and is the only let you know one [TS]

  thing country in the world that is still [TS]

  like a processing saffron on a body like [TS]

  a industrial scale and I read the signs [TS]

  that was kazakhstan at this place is [TS]

  amazing this place sounds incredible but [TS]

  he's obviously never no one has ever [TS]

  given [TS]

  I mean no one's ever read him is that [TS]

  replies Leanne like he has he probably [TS]

  had yeah exactly and he certainly hasn't [TS]

  had any kind of like Al half-day course [TS]

  on time that social media know and he's [TS]

  also always writing in English not in I [TS]

  bet his English is better than my [TS]

  whatever they speak in Kazakhstan i [TS]

  think i think it is yeah but you took [TS]

  medicine guys he's still around he was [TS]

  quite a character [TS]

  he was what r qu what a character I [TS]

  think you think you still need to change [TS]

  the names of the months his family [TS]

  members [TS]

  I mean who hasn't done that at one point [TS]

  he's mentally but welcome to the months [TS]

  of mother Madeline Brewer Terry Madeline [TS]

  Brewer Mary Ellen August I i feel like [TS]

  the the two period or the two space one [TS]

  space thing and I know you don't want to [TS]

  get into this i don't know i don't mind [TS]

  i just want to say like I'm not here to [TS]

  like everybody does that's an Indian [TS]

  everybody thinks it's bad it's bad man i [TS]

  just know I'll i don't have you know [TS]

  three stars three stars three stars is [TS]

  right but i but I feel like this it is a [TS]

  thing that someone wrote in a book right [TS]

  somebody somebody somebody was sitting [TS]

  around in the eighties and they were [TS]

  like hey computers on typewriters and [TS]

  then they had some they had some sort of [TS]

  like knowledge of kerning or something [TS]

  that they they informed their thesis [TS]

  with like because computers of kerning [TS]

  have type fonts and I um and also [TS]

  something and a theory and and and now i [TS]

  have created a problem that didn't [TS]

  previously exist so it's somewhat [TS]

  cumbersome capricious [TS]

  yeah and there are arbitrary they wrote [TS]

  a book about it and all the people that [TS]

  read the book initially were all of of a [TS]

  class which is to say people who are [TS]

  reading computer books about turning [TS]

  about typing and they were like yeah and [TS]

  then those were the first that's the [TS]

  first gen of people who decided that [TS]

  that was where they were going to plant [TS]

  their flag and then it became a thing [TS]

  where it's like oh you haven't read the [TS]

  book you didn't read you nobody's even [TS]

  told you about this it's like everybody [TS]

  in the computer world loves that kind of [TS]

  shit where it's like it's not a question [TS]

  of oh hey you should read this it's a [TS]

  question of what you didn't read this [TS]

  and so then it turns into that so all [TS]

  the second-generation adopters of it are [TS]

  already adopting this new theory based [TS]

  on a premise that you're an idiot if you [TS]

  haven't done it and then somewhere along [TS]

  the line when the nerds took over the [TS]

  world somewhere in the early two [TS]

  thousands it's this it's this thing that [TS]

  you can get upset about [TS]

  it's like why are you still doing that [TS]

  little yeah and it all just started with [TS]

  some it was just somebody's like herp [TS]

  derp [TS]

  yeah but I mean like an annoying like [TS]

  giving Jeff it's a picture BPF gift and [TS]

  Jeff people get pretty passionate about [TS]

  that oh yeah good picture [TS]

  I've um it's clearly gift i realized i [TS]

  was on the wrong side of history at [TS]

  point O and I started seeing it [TS]

  differently in the last year or so and [TS]

  now my daughter's know I've always said [TS]

  Jeff but I've been told that's incorrect [TS]

  I want by more people know the history [TS]

  has the tide of history is changed and [TS]

  we just say Jeff and now it's a gift and [TS]

  so now my daughter my daughter refused [TS]

  she corrects me says notes it's animated [TS]

  gif so now I've ruined my child [TS]

  oh no she says jeff she's going to be an [TS]

  outcast she's going to get there putting [TS]

  periods on our honor text messages and [TS]

  yeah my understanding was always and [TS]

  this is what's so confusing about it was [TS]

  that this the the smart people be [TS]

  insider said Jeff and the dummies and [TS]

  the and the like tourists and the moms [TS]

  said gif and I was firmly in the gift [TS]

  camp and I also the the dress was was [TS]

  gold and whatever like i was always on [TS]

  the wrong side of these all right but I [TS]

  i still love the dress is called I [TS]

  struggled white [TS]

  but were old but then i looked on ipad [TS]

  is a black-and-blue i felt like i was [TS]

  crazy i never saw black and blue except [TS]

  when somebody did like here here's what [TS]

  it looks like black and blue is like I [TS]

  see that huh [TS]

  but but i do two spaces after a period [TS]

  because I learned to type on a [TS]

  typewriter and I can what's going on on [TS]

  Twitter you do that well the thing is [TS]

  like I would notice that really reads as [TS]

  man over 50 the thing here's the thing [TS]

  though right the the app if you touch [TS]

  the if you touch the spacebar twice it [TS]

  puts a period in history [TS]

  it's an automatic function so let you [TS]

  know that so precisely turned as a good [TS]

  thing in the 25 is it like a carrot [TS]

  sweater at the twitter app is completely [TS]

  capricious about when you can use return [TS]

  it drives me crazy [TS]

  well I like white space I like white [TS]

  space too and i use so but the thing is [TS]

  I use like five Twitter clients on my [TS]

  five different devices and none of and [TS]

  there's no there's no consistency [TS]

  between yeah yeah but the fact that the [TS]

  fact that predictive text understands [TS]

  that two spaces equals a period like I [TS]

  don't care how much white space they put [TS]

  in there it's a reflex it's like click [TS]

  click and then you begin a new sentence [TS]

  and and and the predictive text [TS]

  understands that and that's how it works [TS]

  and so I continue to use two spaces [TS]

  happily because it puts a period in [TS]

  their magically but if I'm if I'm typing [TS]

  on typewriter [TS]

  yes i do two clicks a typed on a [TS]

  typewriter much these days [TS]

  I mean if I'm if I'm using a word [TS]

  processor well if you're on is ok open [TS]

  process if you're on your Mac if I'm on [TS]

  my mac but I like I learned to type what [TS]

  1980-88 8281 on a IBM Selectric and I [TS]

  continue to use manual typewriters all [TS]

  the way through the nineties i only have [TS]

  a min and I had a computer but it wasn't [TS]

  like connected anything if I wanted to [TS]

  see if I wanted to write something in [TS]

  hand it to somebody else i would type it [TS]

  i did that all the way through the night [TS]

  he's so I was still typing [TS]

  even after and I still type frankly I [TS]

  have a typewriter at my house that i [TS]

  will type things on but anyway it just [TS]

  it feels like i don't want i do want to [TS]

  wait into that and say that I am honest [TS]

  I'd i am on the side of two spaces after [TS]

  a period i think you're typing it makes [TS]

  absolute sense if you're on a typewriter [TS]

  but then you know I idea i'm not going [TS]

  to have to separate typing styles one [TS]

  for my laptop and one from typewriter [TS]

  like it'sit's one skill it's a single [TS]

  skill it's not like I'm like I'm on it [TS]

  I'm on skis and if i'm on red skis I [TS]

  suddenly like I'm doing back scratchers [TS]

  and on greens lyrics underwear terrible [TS]

  as that of course i was going to say I [TS]

  wash my hands better after I watched [TS]

  chicken and carrots but I realize that [TS]

  that doesn't make any sense [TS]

  listen I wash my hands better after I [TS]

  watched him to do is breaking up [TS]

  oh no really know if I haha that's going [TS]

  to be that's gonna be my new ace in the [TS]

  hole there [TS]

  ok ok but it is at area I'm sorry John [TS]

  you know he's gonna love this episode [TS]

  mmm Johnson [TS]

  we're here [TS]

  that's it stop it I can't take anymore [TS]