Roderick on the Line

Ep. 156: "The Dumbest Guy I Ever Met"

 

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  hello hi John hi Merlin how's it going [TS]

  good how ru who I'm facing the fan [TS]

  myself a little southern lady [TS]

  uh-huh is it hot down there in [TS]

  California a Oh John Rother you are [TS]

  caution [TS]

  yeah it's a no-no it's you know it's [TS]

  like every day I should you know you [TS]

  could just take a sharpie and write 51 [TS]

  uh I phone screen that's pretty much 51 [TS]

  51 degrees 51 degrees with the with the [TS]

  breeze off the ocean [TS]

  yep yep yep yeah it's beautiful here in [TS]

  Seattle because as you know global [TS]

  warming which is really climate change [TS]

  let's see on its climate change we got [TS]

  it we got it we gotta work on that it is [TS]

  turning Seattle into la jolla which is [TS]

  which is wonderful i love that name [TS]

  uh yeah la jolla home of dr. Seuss I [TS]

  we're going to have a beautiful day here [TS]

  that's going to have sea lions in it and [TS]

  they're going to be a lot of surfers who [TS]

  are very protective of their Beach [TS]

  locals only so so that's what's [TS]

  happening here and we're having a you [TS]

  know we're having a great time property [TS]

  values are skyrocketing and we couldn't [TS]

  be more excited about it oh my god what [TS]

  a great time to be a Seattle ition mm oh [TS]

  my goodness you we are we you know just [TS]

  administrivia we we were worried what we [TS]

  could work in recording this week with [TS]

  the with the with the holidays and what [TS]

  nuneaton you know what you know what you [TS]

  you hit me hit me on my burner em I said [TS]

  what time i went to wear that was like [TS]

  that was ten minutes ago [TS]

  boom I was like I was pulling into a [TS]

  parking lot and I was like you know [TS]

  what's missing in my life you know what [TS]

  is missing right now is Merlin man oh [TS]

  man i need the show and i pinged you [TS]

  being you know the thing is I've started [TS]

  to say like helping you what why don't [TS]

  you pick me [TS]

  ping ping ping ping and it's surprising [TS]

  how many people get upset about the use [TS]

  of the word ping it like being in [TS]

  transitively paint they don't want to [TS]

  bed do not want to ping they do not want [TS]

  to deepen how do you on ping is nice in [TS]

  one way arm thing is nice because it [TS]

  exists without respect to how one pings [TS]

  so that could you call could be an email [TS]

  could be a text and then it has the [TS]

  and problems of not having that [TS]

  specificity but I'm not uh oh geez [TS]

  Louise of all the stupid stuff that [TS]

  people say I ping is far from my biggest [TS]

  right now [TS]

  well I did the reason I use ping who not [TS]

  just because of its association with him [TS]

  with a very famous panda bear but also [TS]

  because of time let's see one ping [TS]

  Mowgli actually i finally saw that one [TS]

  laughing like yes one ping only oh let [TS]

  me leave may ask question [TS]

  thank you um first-time caller the in [TS]

  the process of going to probably should [TS]

  get straight to the campaign [TS]

  oh geez Wow why don't we wait and we can [TS]

  save it for later I have a lot to have a [TS]

  lot to talk about i have never looked up [TS]

  to do you need to be many new chip [TS]

  beetle beetle but by the way your [TS]

  identity kandice impersonation was [TS]

  impeccable shaman amo that's not like a [TS]

  WoW building building the bundu gonna be [TS]

  a little bit bow i think it is with his [TS]

  arms that's just disturbing [TS]

  well I think about when you think about [TS]

  the I mean I sometimes try to put myself [TS]

  in to anthony kiedis and see the world [TS]

  through those eyes and imagine the life [TS]

  that he led and I just feel so warm [TS]

  oh ok i'll write something down here um [TS]

  ok anyway so you want to jump you want [TS]

  to jump right in oh I also went out [TS]

  myself a little bit because for what our [TS]

  mama call the autumn of 1988 i really [TS]

  liked the red hot chili peppers mother's [TS]

  milk [TS]

  yeah if you see me getting mighty see me [TS]

  getting high right knock me down let me [TS]

  down there was none bigger than life [TS]

  I'm not big on life that was good shit [TS]

  it was really good and it had the truck [TS]

  driver key change toward the end I don't [TS]

  mind that I think they earned it [TS]

  yeah they did and you know that was [TS]

  that's one of the things about rock and [TS]

  roll right you a band comes up you're [TS]

  like this is interesting this is novel [TS]

  who who knows which direction y trap is [TS]

  going to go [TS]

  who it could go a lot of ways and it [TS]

  seemed like this [TS]

  this might be the way I mean you know [TS]

  punk and a punk [TS]

  they've sound a lot alike they are the [TS]

  very similar in the two great size [TS]

  mhm and there was a there was a quite a [TS]

  while there where like like punky punky [TS]

  punky funk seemed like it might be the [TS]

  might be the way to go i mean i remember [TS]

  very distinctly in early nineteen [TS]

  ninety-one telling everybody I knew that [TS]

  this like sludgy dumb heavy rock thing [TS]

  was really yesterday's news and what was [TS]

  what the music of the future was going [TS]

  to be was upbeat jangly pop and I was [TS]

  correct but it took ten years of sludgy [TS]

  grunge to get to upbeat generally pop [TS]

  anywhere [TS]

  yeah i mean with Rachel Paris it was [TS]

  such a weird thing is they were they [TS]

  were kind of their own thing for a while [TS]

  they they had the reputation for being [TS]

  naked in wearing socks on their [TS]

  Johnson's and stuff like that and that [TS]

  record store the well died [TS]

  oh yeah right that's why he wants to be [TS]

  knocked down yeah i think it was a shame [TS]

  that was a shame but I'm and we traveled [TS]

  out of town for the weekend and in [TS]

  Sacramento man they got a radio station [TS]

  there that I I didn't realize how much i [TS]

  wish we had here which was like 10 1.1 i [TS]

  think it was and it was a you know a lot [TS]

  of the like where the urban in urban [TS]

  stations will have the throwbacks you [TS]

  have like a disco weekend they had like [TS]

  it was all like nineties mostly nineties [TS]

  hip-hop and it was amazing [TS]

  good stuff it was a lot of stuff that I [TS]

  was kind of tangentially aware because [TS]

  my eye I had peak hip hop in probably [TS]

  1989-90 where I was just it was like [TS]

  almost all listen to it like that and [TS]

  Pixies like dinosaurs like all I [TS]

  listened to and but I you know I I [TS]

  wasn't like buying it and i think i [TS]

  bought the house of payne to set was [TS]

  like the last rap thing that i bought [TS]

  but it was it was so crazy because like [TS]

  song after song after song a lot of [TS]

  these songs [TS]

  had only heard sampled yes but Ben stuff [TS]

  i had heard in years like the changing [TS]

  chink chink dr dre and snoop dogg song [TS]

  that's a pretty good song it is more [TS]

  like what far side i forgot about far [TS]

  side they were really good [TS]

  uh-huh and what was what was the worst [TS]

  side was killer then there was a while [TS]

  we're far side felt like that was the [TS]

  future far side was going to be a major [TS]

  almost like picking up the mantle of De [TS]

  La Soul in like you know what so you [TS]

  don't have to play in the the kanye west [TS]

  kind of us that gold digger song it's a [TS]

  great tune for the first Laura Neil solo [TS]

  record that's that's a bonafide classic [TS]

  classic funny part is that here's the [TS]

  funny part so the signal starts fading [TS]

  away [TS]

  hmm you know we put more rounds drive [TS]

  there and you know we heard everything [TS]

  everything all the words about this [TS]

  particular band make me laugh Marcy [TS]

  Playground oh bummer and I I guess I [TS]

  didn't realize when danger [TS]

  contemporaries yes in the year that [TS]

  didn't exist 1997 right they had a [TS]

  member there yet [TS]

  my one candy rats male sex and candy be [TS]

  really you do em especially like cells [TS]

  me like he have a like you have a CD of [TS]

  nirvana unplugged is what you smell [TS]

  yeah I had shared a a shuttle bus ride [TS]

  with those guys one time from the hotel [TS]

  to the to the festival and I find that I [TS]

  found them to be very smirky no no I'm [TS]

  sorry like that [TS]

  yeah they were smirky my only point [TS]

  being it's it's funny how like Madeline [TS]

  and I heard that song and were like you [TS]

  know it's it really sounds kind of a lot [TS]

  like life on a broad unplugged nirvana [TS]

  unplugged specifically and really kind [TS]

  of win-win was this like was this was [TS]

  like 93 94 97 97 years and Xavier did [TS]

  insist they were step was still [TS]

  happening [TS]

  yeah yeah what was not nearly as fresh [TS]

  as like you know dr. dre computing that [TS]

  you know not forget about him well and I [TS]

  mean I i I'm [TS]

  actually like literally having a music [TS]

  stroke right now like I just said impian [TS]

  went important it's not working i'm not [TS]

  sure i'm much better I feel like I think [TS]

  I pop the stand with us are so well [TS]

  because said ever since you mention it [TS]

  I've been just sitting here with the [TS]

  with the with the constant repeat of [TS]

  those who break the law [TS]

  go straight to the house of payne it's [TS]

  just been shouting in my head and I [TS]

  don't remember I don't remember having [TS]

  having earmarked such a loud little [TS]

  place in my brain for that will just be [TS]

  stored the track star like each you and [TS]

  then like digest you like / like a [TS]

  thousand years 5,000 years like there [TS]

  are these little people that the Sarlacc [TS]

  of my mind ate that I've completely [TS]

  forgotten we're being digested and then [TS]

  suddenly it comes popping up and go oh [TS]

  my god it's just it's like you're there [TS]

  again I had one of those this morning on [TS]

  the was coming into town I saw under a [TS]

  bridge there was a homeless person had [TS]

  built a little sort of enclosure for [TS]

  themselves out of Thompson's and bags [TS]

  and shopping carts and so forth and they [TS]

  had a bicycle change to what to the to [TS]

  the handle of one of the carts that was [TS]

  supporting their they're pretty [TS]

  elaborate housing construction and the [TS]

  bicycle was a very old specialized that [TS]

  was a bike i had once owned and as I [TS]

  drove past it just caught a glimpse of [TS]

  this bike and I suddenly had this flash [TS]

  back to nineteen eighty-seven it was [TS]

  early days of mountain bikes and I [TS]

  wanted to buy a mountain bike and I had [TS]

  a friend but I didn't have any money so [TS]

  i had a friend who had a friend who had [TS]

  a cabin up at Big Lake in Alaska which [TS]

  is quite a ways from Anchorage up to big [TS]

  lake big lake was where all the like all [TS]

  the rich kids their dads all had cabins [TS]

  on big lake and you could fly up there [TS]

  in a floatplane or you could drive up [TS]

  there and it was one of the few lakes [TS]

  you could drive to right at most lakes [TS]

  you couldn't but big lake was accessible [TS]

  it was where the jet skiing happened in [TS]

  the water skiing so forth so I Drive up [TS]

  to big lake with my friend sheffer [TS]

  Shepherd knows a guy who's got a [TS]

  mountain bike for sale and I get up [TS]

  there and it's this specialized which [TS]

  was not properly a mountain bike but it [TS]

  was one of those early early bikes [TS]

  wasn't i remember being a pretty not [TS]

  cheap and pretty Hardy road bike [TS]

  well it was so this was this had [TS]

  stand-up handlebars it was built to look [TS]

  like a mountain bike but it was very [TS]

  very upright riding position and i think [TS]

  it was it was before I don't know if you [TS]

  remember this but early days of mountain [TS]

  biking there was a lot of question about [TS]

  what the frame geometry was gonna [TS]

  eventually look like for mountain bikes [TS]

  there were there was some argument that [TS]

  a that when you spend more time riding [TS]

  uphill than down so the frame geometry [TS]

  should reflect a riding position that [TS]

  was like level if you were climbing and [TS]

  there was a lot of different radical [TS]

  design ideas in early mountain bikes [TS]

  before it all kind of settled down to [TS]

  the overall general frame and this was [TS]

  like this was actually probably best [TS]

  described as a dad bike for but to my [TS]

  net mid-eighties eyes it looked like a [TS]

  mountain bike because it had these q's [TS]

  these visual cues the the straight [TS]

  handlebars the knobby tires the few [TS]

  other things you know shimano components [TS]

  all these things that I was excited [TS]

  about and so the guy only wanted a [TS]

  hundred bucks for it because he had [TS]

  bought himself a proper mountain bike [TS]

  and this was just a bike for riding [TS]

  around town but I didn't know the [TS]

  difference and I remember I remember [TS]

  buying the so but anyway the first thing [TS]

  we did before any of the the negotiation [TS]

  before any transaction happened the [TS]

  first thing we did was we all smoked a [TS]

  ton of pot and then we were all really [TS]

  baked and this was at an age I mean I [TS]

  was always very strongly affected by pot [TS]

  and.and I would get so stoned that I [TS]

  could not function in anyone in any [TS]

  right way I would just I would I would [TS]

  become incapacitated by being too high [TS]

  and we got stoned and then we're [TS]

  negotiating a transaction which I could [TS]

  not I could not handle my half of it and [TS]

  then I he said you know like here's the [TS]

  bike it's a hundred bucks and I was like [TS]

  does the door and he said do you want to [TS]

  take it for a test run and I was like [TS]

  you know [TS]

  yes and I got on the bike and not [TS]

  understanding how mountain bikes worked [TS]

  not ever having been on one [TS]

  I assumed that you could just drive [TS]

  anywhere on it and so I i wrote 15 feet [TS]

  up the road off the road into the ditch [TS]

  into what was four feet of standing [TS]

  tractor mud and in my mind's eye I saw [TS]

  myself [TS]

  loading across the top of this tractor [TS]

  be settling a mean I wasn't as bad as it [TS]

  sounds it's worse on top of my new super [TS]

  mountain bike I was just gonna like go [TS]

  through this stuff a just just floating [TS]

  on top of it like a like a superstar and [TS]

  I went right into this tractor mud end [TS]

  owed over the handlebars just into the [TS]

  bike into the mud so that you could only [TS]

  see the tips of my shoes and the end of [TS]

  my nose and you have to know that these [TS]

  guys up a big lake they were like true [TS]

  Alaskan mountain bike bro [TS]

  spike water-ski dudes and sheffer was to [TS]

  you know they all had Birkenstocks they [TS]

  all knew knew about all this stuff right [TS]

  and so I'm already i'm already reppin [TS]

  that I can't hold my weed because i'm [TS]

  too baked and everybody can tell them to [TS]

  baked and I don't know anything about [TS]

  mountain bikes and then i go over the [TS]

  handlebars into the by just i rode down [TS]

  the hill into a thing where any normal [TS]

  sensible person would have looked and [TS]

  said what are you doing [TS]

  we don't go down what do you think and [TS]

  then just splat right and there it's not [TS]

  that they're trying not to laugh it it's [TS]

  so stupid is even funny like think [TS]

  they're not it's not that they're [TS]

  laughing they are they are seriously [TS]

  like what is wrong with this person and [TS]

  then I think they get me out of the mud [TS]

  they clean me off I'll take it and then [TS]

  they said somehow we're all standing [TS]

  around right and we're gonna go well i [TS]

  think i think still too although now i'm [TS]

  wet and cold [TS]

  we're gonna go out on their boat for a [TS]

  minute and somehow I screw up their boat [TS]

  like I got in the boat wrong I i sat in [TS]

  the driver's seat and turn on the engine [TS]

  Milton there wasn't any gas in it or [TS]

  decided I burnt suddenly the like the [TS]

  boat is the boat motors smoking and [TS]

  everybody's yelling at me and i don't [TS]

  i'm not proud of my performance that day [TS]

  and i remember that i remember these [TS]

  guys looking at me and like one of them [TS]

  saying like you know you like the [TS]

  dumbest guy I've ever met and and what's [TS]

  amazing about it is that those guys are [TS]

  still alive probably they're no older [TS]

  than I am there in the world somewhere [TS]

  these two guys in their mid forties [TS]

  probably living in Alaska and if my name [TS]

  comes up in conversation [TS]

  those two guys have a have one really [TS]

  fantastic story about what an idiot I am [TS]

  and they're not wrong I i am in in that [TS]

  respect the dumbest guy either of those [TS]

  two guys ever met [TS]

  wow so that was what I was that that was [TS]

  my little like I'm glad to know that I [TS]

  stored that whole very hazy story [TS]

  somewhere in my head to come out at the [TS]

  suggestion of this specialized bike that [TS]

  I caught out of the corner of my eye on [TS]

  that so that and that Augustine flashing [TS]

  back it all just the entire thing and [TS]

  you know and I'm i think I'm i think i'm [TS]

  confusing it with another time that [TS]

  Peter no second i went up to big lake [TS]

  and and also got into trouble and pretty [TS]

  much every time I went to Big Lake I got [TS]

  in trouble with somebody and i realized [TS]

  i needed to just stop going to big like [TS]

  it wasn't that was not ever going to be [TS]

  my scene [TS]

  uh-huh i went to a party at a cabin one [TS]

  time a big lake and I showed up and they [TS]

  were all the people that had gone to my [TS]

  high school but they were all the [TS]

  beautiful ones and for whatever reason [TS]

  that day for some other reason I'm not [TS]

  sure why but I chose to wear a tuxedo [TS]

  and I showed up at this lake cabin where [TS]

  everyone else is in bikinis and James [TS]

  remember jams of course I did yeah [TS]

  everybody's in jams and bikinis and [TS]

  they're all jumping off the dock and [TS]

  they're all like jet skiing and [TS]

  everything very very Alaskan version of [TS]

  like beach blanket bingo and jen you're [TS]

  in there in the rat pack and I'm there [TS]

  and I'm you know I'm just like I'm [TS]

  probably 25 pounds over my my normal [TS]

  weight and i'm wearing a brown tuxedo [TS]

  and you know and I had long hair and it [TS]

  was just like that people were walking [TS]

  something front and we'll acted and [TS]

  looked like Brian Wilson but I didn't [TS]

  have the good sense to either stay in [TS]

  the car or drive back to the town where [TS]

  ever I walked right down on the dock and [TS]

  so I'm standing on the dot i'm standing [TS]

  on the dock [TS]

  it's an Abercrombie & Fitch ad all [TS]

  around me and it was one of those things [TS]

  i used to get this used to be true all [TS]

  the time my mere presence in the scene [TS]

  bummed everyone else and like about come [TS]

  on really [TS]

  my mere presence there made sure that no [TS]

  one was going to have sex that afternoon [TS]

  because everybody suddenly lost the mood [TS]

  and so that you know like all the [TS]

  dudebros we're looking at me like to [TS]

  just like get out of here or something [TS]

  like just go [TS]

  I don't know go for a walk down the dirt [TS]

  road or something I'm like what do you [TS]

  mean I that when i was also smoking and [TS]

  a you know and probably like drinking [TS]

  whiskey out of a milk bottle [TS]

  everything about it was meant for any [TS]

  for from another place and and probably [TS]

  a place that did not exist maybe a place [TS]

  that would never exist [TS]

  oh god it's so brutal all i have to do [TS]

  is just see this this bicycle on the [TS]

  street today and it's all they're all [TS]

  waiting for me [TS]

  there's nobody there who kind of pull [TS]

  you aside and go you know you needed a [TS]

  couple of these interesting expectations [TS]

  and things even met one just maybe leave [TS]

  those on the counter next nobody could [TS]

  nobody could because because there [TS]

  wasn't a single other person at the [TS]

  party I mean my friend Peter loved to [TS]

  take me places where he could turn me [TS]

  loose like the elephant man he he he [TS]

  loved he loved you know Peter was always [TS]

  Peter was was he had a good sense of [TS]

  what to do how to handle himself he was [TS]

  not like ever the chicest person but he [TS]

  knew how to be at any party and seemed [TS]

  like he belonged there [TS]

  alright um and what Peter loved to roll [TS]

  me into places and turn me loose and it [TS]

  was and and and people at the party [TS]

  would be like who in five who invited [TS]

  this gorilla and it and you know and [TS]

  Peter was happy to claim responsibility [TS]

  but but never but somehow was able also [TS]

  to disavow all my crimes right so he [TS]

  could he could take credit for having [TS]

  brought this monster to the party but it [TS]

  was not his prayer was but I mean he got [TS]

  chased out of a lot of parties to that [TS]

  but anyway as my chaperone but it's also [TS]

  it's different to i don't know i may be [TS]

  different kind of thing but I feel like [TS]

  there's this certain kind of feeling [TS]

  were and I am I had when I especially [TS]

  like junior high and so high school I [TS]

  was so freaking weird because I kind of [TS]

  wanted to be weird but I didn't realize [TS]

  that the look I was coming up with [TS]

  wasn't really pulled together too well [TS]

  and it combined too many disparate [TS]

  elements and you know this it's it's a [TS]

  sort of always feel like I never quite [TS]

  knew how to comb my hair to make it look [TS]

  like other people's hair even when I [TS]

  wore what you know theoretically the [TS]

  same kinds of clothes other people that [TS]

  didn't look right i still look like me [TS]

  it just [TS]

  and in like it's what I would just I [TS]

  would kill for that ability to just be [TS]

  an average person at an event and not [TS]

  feel like a like a bizarre social [TS]

  experiment [TS]

  me too and particularly when when young [TS]

  people started to make out with each [TS]

  other and want to go make out with each [TS]

  other and want to go have sex with each [TS]

  other like I had a perverse pride in [TS]

  being the the last man standing right [TS]

  here in ER you're in a room and [TS]

  everybody goes off into the into the [TS]

  dark back corners [TS]

  it's what you want the saddest game of [TS]

  musical chairs yeah and I'm sitting out [TS]

  there you know i'm sitting out there [TS]

  going through the their parents jazz LP [TS]

  is going wow this is a very rare record [TS]

  this this is an extremely rare album we [TS]

  heard you just below her chick low [TS]

  anyway if never felt that never felt a [TS]

  net because because then you know when i [TS]

  started to hang out with weirdos [TS]

  I hoped that the weirdos would that I'd [TS]

  find my found my people but of course [TS]

  that's not true either [TS]

  you know I just still can't eat those in [TS]

  a methodology even to being a weirdo [TS]

  like being a weirdo in there in the [TS]

  right way [TS]

  yeah yeah and the weirdos want to go [TS]

  make out with each other and I [TS]

  desperately wanted to go make out with [TS]

  somebody i just did not know how to [TS]

  affect that I never felt like I had any [TS]

  access to that I mean people who would [TS]

  just meet at a party and make out and [TS]

  then go their separate ways [TS]

  I mean I might as well like wanted to [TS]

  sprout wings that seems so foreign to me [TS]

  yeah yeah particularly when you could be [TS]

  arguing about LBJ in the well and a lot [TS]

  of times arguing about LBJ in the mirror [TS]

  because you couldn't find anybody else [TS]

  to argue about LBJ with you and the [TS]

  field you know the few times where I [TS]

  would be at a party there would be an [TS]

  attractive woman there we would start [TS]

  talking we would start talking about LBJ [TS]

  she would be really smart on the topic [TS]

  of LBJ that it made it somehow even [TS]

  worse i would i would have to throw [TS]

  myself off the balcony to get away from [TS]

  this [TS]

  fascinating charming woman who wanted to [TS]

  talk about LBJ with me so case you might [TS]

  have just been like a temporary safe [TS]

  harbor at the party like somebody to [TS]

  talk to and not feel hassles or not feel [TS]

  you know well no she was chief had [TS]

  finally found someone to talk to about [TS]

  LBJ to only on anything more tragic and [TS]

  all the more tragic that then i had to [TS]

  run out and as I was running out the [TS]

  last decision i made as I was running [TS]

  out of the house was to steal [TS]

  everybody's shoes right so that was [TS]

  never I never given just ran out i also [TS]

  took everybody shoes and then was [TS]

  remembered for the rest of its subtle [TS]

  weaker arrested up the year right as the [TS]

  that fucking guy who was told everybody [TS]

  shoes that are fat guy in a brown tuxedo [TS]

  is stuck in the film everybody shoes he [TS]

  was you know he was talking to that [TS]

  other weird girl for a long time and [TS]

  then he stole everybody shoes including [TS]

  hers like didn't even and didn't do [TS]

  anything with him just put him in the [TS]

  trunk of his car and drove around career [TS]

  like there's just no and I have to I [TS]

  have to say that it because i went to [TS]

  kindergarten when I was four [TS]

  yeah and if I had waited a year maybe my [TS]

  whole life would be different maybe I [TS]

  would have been so much better if I had [TS]

  just spent that extra year being a kid [TS]

  you you are me maybe kidding but I think [TS]

  about that a lot [TS]

  mhm and it was instrumental in our [TS]

  decision to have our kid a holdback we [TS]

  redshirted her every year I am [TS]

  powerfully not kidding i feel like if i [TS]

  had been if I'd gone if I because there [TS]

  were kids I mean I had a good friend in [TS]

  high school who was in 11th grade when i [TS]

  was in 12th grade and he and I had the [TS]

  exact same birthday and yeah he was [TS]

  Rico suave in his own grade and I was [TS]

  mean but by senior year I had figured [TS]

  out a way to be a part of the part of [TS]

  the culture and part of the class and to [TS]

  be somebody who mattered but uh but I [TS]

  was not ever [TS]

  mature enough to to play the reindeer [TS]

  gayness you know what I mean I kill him [TS]

  but you think about like even just [TS]

  looking normal I think about I've told [TS]

  you before I think I really see this in [TS]

  5th graders at my kids school because [TS]

  it's kindergarten to fifth grade and the [TS]

  thing is the the standard deviation on [TS]

  maturity and fifth-graders is nothing [TS]

  short of mind-boggling [TS]

  there are a couple couple guys but [TS]

  especially they're like these three [TS]

  girls who are obviously like in charge [TS]

  of the school and to these girls were [TS]

  taller than I am and they look about 16 [TS]

  and they're in fifth grade and then of [TS]

  course there are there a lot of kids are [TS]

  just random kids with boogers and then [TS]

  there are some fifth graders my daughter [TS]

  my daughter is taller than and she's in [TS]

  first grade [TS]

  it'sit's so you think about that just [TS]

  even if even taking that into account [TS]

  but then imagine adding or subtracting a [TS]

  year from that and you can see how [TS]

  completely bananas that can get you know [TS]

  if it you know ways against you the [TS]

  wrong [TS]

  the funny thing is like my kid this is [TS]

  her last week of school she's in for [TS]

  ending first grade this week and this is [TS]

  her fifth year of being in school which [TS]

  I sometimes think about and I think how [TS]

  how strange and different that is then [TS]

  when I was a kid where she had three [TS]

  years of preschool we had heard you a [TS]

  graduate year in preschool and that was [TS]

  the year we gonna say hey you know still [TS]

  we love this place we really like this [TS]

  place [TS]

  she was kind of shy you know and we [TS]

  thought I you know my daughter my uh my [TS]

  wife started school on the early side i [TS]

  started going the late side and we both [TS]

  agree that i had the better deal [TS]

  everybody i know he started later I you [TS]

  know I think there's a thing today of [TS]

  like we should put your kid harder put [TS]

  your tiny little four-year-old and [TS]

  kindergarten whatever that's everybody's [TS]

  personal choice like if your kid can [TS]

  read really well and therefore it seems [TS]

  like a no-brainer don't hold him back [TS]

  but I think about that now and like it's [TS]

  like when I was a kid [TS]

  this I must be honest you stayed at home [TS]

  with your mom mostly or with a family [TS]

  member i did not know that many kids who [TS]

  weren't Catholic that went to school [TS]

  before kindergarten almost all the [TS]

  Catholic kids went to preschool or [TS]

  nursery school as they called them you [TS]

  know what i mean so much I mean now I [TS]

  think about oh my god it's no wonder it [TS]

  was such a weirdo [TS]

  I was at home with my mom all day and [TS]

  and play my parenting my own little [TS]

  personal reindeer games and talking into [TS]

  the mirror about LBJ and then the hey [TS]

  Here I am and I was a good reader and [TS]

  stuff like I was a smart kid but I show [TS]

  up in fifth grade and I was like you [TS]

  know [TS]

  well I remember just feeling like [TS]

  everybody here I've said this before [TS]

  also but I really feel like everybody [TS]

  here got a manual that I didn't get have [TS]

  no idea how to conduct myself with these [TS]

  other kids i have no idea how to how to [TS]

  scrap for status even in kindergarten [TS]

  and now I mean it's weird because I mean [TS]

  that the truth is that those three years [TS]

  of school really good thing for my kids [TS]

  she showed up in kindergarten and she [TS]

  kind of already knew like how a day goes [TS]

  it seems like it seems I mean like [TS]

  criticizing but like that's I mean I [TS]

  don't know I feel like I could use that [TS]

  I really could have used a remedial [TS]

  course on how to be a little kid and [TS]

  that would have that would help for the [TS]

  beginning my god it [TS]

  yeah I a remedial course in how to be a [TS]

  little kid I think I still would have [TS]

  benefited from it [TS]

  my second year in college oh well you [TS]

  know the thing is you're kind of by the [TS]

  time on I'm this broad numbers here but [TS]

  i think by the time if you've got a [TS]

  relatively stable home life and like a [TS]

  relatively you know stable normal public [TS]

  school i think by 3rd or 4th grade most [TS]

  kids know how stuff should work like you [TS]

  pick up an awful lot when you're a [TS]

  little kid and if you choose to do [TS]

  something different from what's expected [TS]

  of you you do so with full knowledge of [TS]

  what the consequences or you know ups or [TS]

  downs of that are but I think there's a [TS]

  latent period where you get you just get [TS]

  so goofy for a while and then maybe you [TS]

  come back and maybe like oh you know [TS]

  sophomore year of high school I kind of [TS]

  got it together or whatever like every [TS]

  kid is different but you're totally [TS]

  right [TS]

  second-year college is a bloodbath I [TS]

  feel like I feel like my sophomore year [TS]

  in high school was the first one where I [TS]

  started to kind of get it together but i [TS]

  remember in grade school through to two [TS]

  kids one when I was in grade school in [TS]

  Seattle like fourth grade and he was he [TS]

  was small but the girls loved him and he [TS]

  was you know quiet and smooth and cool [TS]

  right he he was like the kid in Bad News [TS]

  Bears that drop the motorcycle who he [TS]

  wasn't he wasn't bad it wasn't good [TS]

  he was cool man in fourth grade I can't [TS]

  and I was big even then and loud even [TS]

  then and I i remember going over to his [TS]

  house a couple of times he was nice to [TS]

  me but there was there was cool in him [TS]

  that was never gonna rub off on me and [TS]

  he was comfortable in it he was [TS]

  comfortable with 4th grade girls but he [TS]

  wasn't you know he wasn't playing with [TS]

  them he wasn't playing house with them [TS]

  he was already cool enough that they had [TS]

  crushes on him a whole different a whole [TS]

  different concept like it better like [TS]

  he's got a certain kind of like a [TS]

  surprising amount of agency [TS]

  yep yep he was you know he liked talk to [TS]

  his parents i don't i'm not sure if he [TS]

  called his parents by their first names [TS]

  but it felt like that in his home and [TS]

  there was just like he was just [TS]

  self-possessed in a way that I wouldn't [TS]

  be four decades and then when i moved to [TS]

  Alaska there was a another little boy he [TS]

  was very small compared to me and you [TS]

  know like his name was Brian nominee and [TS]

  a lorry basler loved Brian nominee and I [TS]

  love Lori basler and there was this to [TS]

  the this is terrible [TS]

  it caused me to not like Brian nominee [TS]

  even though brian amy was perfectly good [TS]

  to me and made no he made no overture to [TS]

  Lori basler he just was himself cool and [TS]

  small and blond and had long straight [TS]

  hair parted in the middle that he comes [TS]

  with a goodie comb and he was good at [TS]

  roller skating but he was just he didn't [TS]

  he wasn't pushy [TS]

  he was just cool and I couldn't [TS]

  understand i mean i could very much [TS]

  understand what Larry Bosler saw him I [TS]

  couldn't understand how to make myself [TS]

  b.p different and just just and you know [TS]

  and and the girl who liked me was Chris [TS]

  Fayette and crisp yet had headgear and [TS]

  big freckles and what I think about it [TS]

  now I should have just loved crispy add [TS]

  that would have made everything so much [TS]

  better for me in my life but I couldn't [TS]

  love crispy and I had the lovely basler [TS]

  very badly as a very credible name this [TS]

  episode of rock on the line is brought [TS]

  to you by Squarespace you can start [TS]

  building your very own Squarespace site [TS]

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  recommend John and I have u square space [TS]

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  and they've been just great to work with [TS]

  totally seamless we would love it if you [TS]

  would give them a try to so please go [TS]

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  purchase our thanks to squarespace for [TS]

  making the web so beautiful and for [TS]

  supporting rider on the line [TS]

  Squarespace build it beautiful Lori [TS]

  burns like me in cary colomer is not a [TS]

  criminal named Carrie colomer yeah she [TS]

  had a twin sister sharing sharing [TS]

  kerikeri and sherry colomer dar I oh my [TS]

  god you don't even know how many times i [TS]

  wrote the name Carrie colomer over and [TS]

  over i can i can only imagine i feel [TS]

  like that [TS]

  close like this close but i just i don't [TS]

  i wasn't i wasn't in her League and you [TS]

  know and the thing is what we're [TS]

  describing partly as you you have this [TS]

  get this certain stink on you maybe not [TS]

  in the literal sense but there's a [TS]

  certain kind of like we talked about [TS]

  cool like we know who's a Paragon cool [TS]

  maybe Miles Davis like what is cool cool [TS]

  is like you say agency being [TS]

  self-possessed and it is not it's not [TS]

  that the thing is acting like a hipster [TS]

  doofus is really negative about [TS]

  everything is is a kind of a reflection [TS]

  or shadow of cool but the real cool is [TS]

  someone who's their own person that's to [TS]

  me that's what cool is I mean to captain [TS]

  beefheart is cool in in his way [TS]

  there's a lot of people were really cool [TS]

  like but I mean like the things in that [TS]

  sense you and I are very cool but that's [TS]

  right the mascara snake it's just it's [TS]

  just that kind of cool in fifth grade [TS]

  anyway I still refuse to put on [TS]

  headphones when i record i just listened [TS]

  to vibrations but you know buddy and [TS]

  here's the thing i'm trying to get at is [TS]

  that like I do in my parlance like I [TS]

  spent so many years trying to solve the [TS]

  wrong problem but the problem that i [TS]

  wanted to solve was why can't i make [TS]

  girls like me or like you know it starts [TS]

  out as simple as like why don't why [TS]

  aren't all girls into me like I you know [TS]

  I i have lots of trading cards and I'm [TS]

  really cool but then that becomes this [TS]

  more like functional like how do i get [TS]

  girls to like me which is like a hold of [TS]

  in so many ways that horrible it's an [TS]

  understandable question but it's not the [TS]

  right question like the the right [TS]

  question which would never occur to me [TS]

  for many years was like how do I become [TS]

  a more interesting version of myself [TS]

  like how I actually increase my nice [TS]

  element selection community [TS]

  how do i increase increase my value i [TS]

  guess like but you don't say like what [TS]

  you really look at and make people you [TS]

  got you've got you've got them even if [TS]

  you're even if you're working with a six [TS]

  you don't have a wingman you gonna get [TS]

  in there and neg you're learning your [TS]

  learning John megam you know I think in [TS]

  my case the thing that I needed to learn [TS]

  and the thing that I still have that I [TS]

  that my whole life I needed to learn was [TS]

  just Shh [TS]

  leave it leave it and I just needed to [TS]

  learn that when I was four when i was 14 [TS]

  when I was 40 benefit but maybe in that [TS]

  relationship and yeah okay cupcake with [TS]

  a designer but what is the others [TS]

  institutions change if I could have just [TS]

  ever ever ever managed just shoot [TS]

  everything would have been fine i just [TS]

  couldn't believe i didn't have any [TS]

  shushing Anna I'm very wise wise a [TS]

  partner at one point and she said [TS]

  something about about makeup and she [TS]

  said here's the thing take out take out [TS]

  all the makeup you want to use put it on [TS]

  the counter and then put half of it away [TS]

  and that's how much makeup you should [TS]

  use right and that goes for so many [TS]

  things in the physical world that goes [TS]

  for hair gel that goes for alcohol [TS]

  because for so many things take out all [TS]

  you think you want then put away half [TS]

  and just use that half and stick with it [TS]

  and like it that is so true [TS]

  like in life you know like because part [TS]

  of it is like when you go when you have [TS]

  a good party lucky if you get the brown [TS]

  tuxedo or you can have the milk bottle [TS]

  full of whiskey or you can steal the [TS]

  shoes but but you don't want to be a [TS]

  carny right right so it is like you're [TS]

  right though it's a simmer down you know [TS]

  just slow your roll little bit and like [TS]

  you don't like I'm talking to me now [TS]

  like you don't have to tell them [TS]

  everything you know about the making of [TS]

  Tommy let's keep some of that for later [TS]

  you don't have to talk about everything [TS]

  you know about tom seaver like let it [TS]

  you know this let's sit on that you have [TS]

  more to talk about next time [TS]

  yeah yeah for me I think it was well [TS]

  obviously I do not I do not look like an [TS]

  abercrombie & fitch model and so I'd [TS]

  better wear this brown tuxedo because [TS]

  that is very very good armor it's a [TS]

  super armor against anybody ever wanting [TS]

  me to take off my clothes and jump in [TS]

  the water and i also hate being in a [TS]

  brown tuxedo and a swimming party [TS]

  so I had better be drinking whiskey in [TS]

  copious amounts but I'm not just gonna [TS]

  stand around drinking whiskey [TS]

  I'm gonna drink whiskey out of a milk [TS]

  bottle because fuck the world and then [TS]

  I'm gonna steal everybody she was [TS]

  because i'm really in pain and put a lot [TS]

  of game and I and all i could think of [TS]

  to do is steal their shoes because I [TS]

  can't you know I can't fight them all [TS]

  there's a distinction that last people [TS]

  making different ways and I know I [TS]

  really differ from a lot of my my good [TS]

  smart friends in this one way but I've [TS]

  always I've come to feel that one [TS]

  distinction between being a geek and [TS]

  being a nerd [TS]

  it may have to do a topic but i think it [TS]

  has to do with degree and self-awareness [TS]

  in some ways like an eighth another [TS]

  that's an important distinction but in [TS]

  my head it's one thing to be a geek [TS]

  about something like your kind of a geek [TS]

  about LBJ right you can be a geek about [TS]

  Tom Seaver like you're somebody who has [TS]

  maybe like even like a surpassingly high [TS]

  level of interest expertise and [TS]

  knowledge especially interest about that [TS]

  thing but you know you really want to [TS]

  talk about it but that by itself doesn't [TS]

  make you a nerd i think what makes you a [TS]

  nerd in you know the negative [TS]

  connotation is that having an [TS]

  insensitivity to how much other people [TS]

  care about your geeky topic and like [TS]

  that that's the part where you go from [TS]

  being you know you come up with any kind [TS]

  of disparaging name you want but it's [TS]

  one thing to be really into stamp [TS]

  collecting and nobody ever finds out and [TS]

  it's another thing to like buttonhole [TS]

  somebody at a party and tell them about [TS]

  you know every kind of stamp that you've [TS]

  ever seen and what it's called and [TS]

  correct them when they get something [TS]

  wrong and all that kind of stuff and its [TS]

  really i think it can be very difficult [TS]

  don't you see being yourself in that but [TS]

  that's definitely true for me and and as [TS]

  a fellow digger in John Roderick I you [TS]

  might appreciate I think part of it is [TS]

  like when you get pushback from somebody [TS]

  your inclination is not to go that's a [TS]

  good note i should i should i should [TS]

  leave it it's more like you dig in even [TS]

  further like you haven't made your case [TS]

  yet [TS]

  like that's what i do is so no okay well [TS]

  I'm sorry probably explain this well let [TS]

  me really explain the Tom Seaver [TS]

  situation to you and that's when let [TS]

  that's when you become that's when you [TS]

  become a nuisance [TS]

  because you're insensitive to what else [TS]

  is happening in the room and now you're [TS]

  no longer self-possessed now you're just [TS]

  a weirdo [TS]

  you know years later or maybe it was [TS]

  years earlier i don't remember i'm i'm [TS]

  i'm getting confused now but no it was [TS]

  about the same time [TS]

  wait a minute what we talked about here [TS]

  we're talking like ladies ladies [TS]

  ok I was downtown in Anchorage on a [TS]

  beautiful summer day and when [TS]

  Anchorage's in full flower in the spring [TS]

  and summer there's really no more [TS]

  beautiful place because they're hanging [TS]

  baskets of flowers everywhere it's part [TS]

  of Anchorage's it's part of Anchorage's [TS]

  identity that when spring comes everyone [TS]

  hangs baskets of flowers everywhere and [TS]

  so you have just this proliferation of [TS]

  flowers and because the Sun is up all [TS]

  day like flowers just go crazy and so I [TS]

  was downtown was walking on Fourth [TS]

  Avenue right by the fourth avenue [TS]

  theatre right by you know right in the [TS]

  center of town and I bumped into some [TS]

  friends and i'm standing and talking to [TS]

  them and a little group of people [TS]

  gathered there and we're all out of high [TS]

  school now we're in college and we feel [TS]

  like the young people who are the next [TS]

  generation of young folks and this girl [TS]

  that went to a different school but whom [TS]

  I'd met at debate competitions she went [TS]

  to diamond high school her name was [TS]

  Debbie and she was the star of the [TS]

  Diamonds debate team [TS]

  and she comes along and and we were all [TS]

  standing there and and chatting with one [TS]

  another ended and she was with a friend [TS]

  of a friend and so that's it you know [TS]

  where a group of people in our I mean [TS]

  we're probably 20 and debbie smith and i [TS]

  started talking and we break off from [TS]

  the rest of the group and debbie smith [TS]

  is half she'sshe was she is a half [TS]

  Japanese and very very very very smart [TS]

  person that I will had always been [TS]

  impressed with her at debate meets she [TS]

  was like very together and i was very [TS]

  unimpressive at debate meets because I [TS]

  debated kind of like I talk to you now [TS]

  which is to say with no preparation but [TS]

  I understood Robert's Rules of Order but [TS]

  beyond that i believe that i could [TS]

  debate any topic just on the you know [TS]

  like flip a coin and go style and Debbie [TS]

  was very prepared and she and I like [TS]

  wandered off from this group and pretty [TS]

  soon we had arranged to go on a date and [TS]

  we went on a date to see the movie born [TS]

  on the fourth of July so whenever that [TS]

  movie came out that is when this is [TS]

  happening after feels like making [TS]

  mediator some somewhere around [TS]

  yeah and then she and then we had a good [TS]

  time on the date and we went on a second [TS]

  date in the entire time I'm thinking [TS]

  what is going on here [TS]

  debbie smith is one of the very very [TS]

  popular together people and then I [TS]

  realized that she went to diamonds so [TS]

  she didn't know anything about me and [TS]

  somehow to her i seemed like one of the [TS]

  one of the good people i seemed like one [TS]

  of the abercrombie & fitch people maybe [TS]

  or it was very confusing but i really [TS]

  enjoyed her i was just overthinking it [TS]

  you know that this is one of those [TS]

  moments where somebody should have just [TS]

  said she [TS]

  just like just be just be with debbie [TS]

  smith because as much as you're aware [TS]

  that it's a fresh start your also still [TS]

  kind of mentally recalibrating like [TS]

  don't screw this up like you screw this [TS]

  don't screw this up [TS]

  do not screw that you're gonna screw [TS]

  this up and then she and I like liked [TS]

  each other and we made out and we made [TS]

  out again and then it was wonderful and [TS]

  there was this and this was happening in [TS]

  the summer so what could be better [TS]

  and then she invited me to a party at [TS]

  her house and I was like I can't wait [TS]

  you know of course I'll come to the [TS]

  party and I came to the party and I [TS]

  believe that I probably wore a bow tie [TS]

  because it was a party and I was a [TS]

  person i was a person who understood [TS]

  that if you're invited to a party where [TS]

  about I at this time and I showed up and [TS]

  all of the fashionable people were there [TS]

  and when I arrived it was clear that [TS]

  none of them realized that I knew Debbie [TS]

  Smith there was no reason I would have [TS]

  known her and they and so honestly I got [TS]

  out of my car and I bumped into a guy [TS]

  I'd known for years and he had a look on [TS]

  his face and then said just get bully [TS]

  blurted out like what are you doing here [TS]

  like how did you get in here and I was [TS]

  like uh and and I'm thinking to myself [TS]

  I'm Debbie's I'm Debbie's boyfriend or [TS]

  like close to it and so I had this [TS]

  strange this strange feeling of like I [TS]

  belong here more than all of these other [TS]

  people but I but at the same time I [TS]

  don't and she was really glad to see me [TS]

  and came over and I'm standing there and [TS]

  everyone is staring at me like why is he [TS]

  here why is she being affectionate to [TS]

  him all of this is wrong and so I [TS]

  started drinking now now because it was [TS]

  all I could it was all I understood to [TS]

  do even though she was being cool with [TS]

  you you're really uncomfy [TS]

  she was great i was really uncomfortable [TS]

  standing there because I knew all of her [TS]

  friends and I knew them to be people who [TS]

  understood that i did not belong there [TS]

  and they were like trying to communicate [TS]

  to her like what does he do what he why [TS]

  are you with him stop and I mean I'm [TS]

  seeing all this I'm not imagining it and [TS]

  she's like what are you talking about [TS]

  he's great like we you know we went to [TS]

  the you know he knows all about LBJ and [TS]

  I I knew that she was good and that that [TS]

  the connection that we had could have [TS]

  survived this because we she was growing [TS]

  out of that crowd anyway she was headed [TS]

  on off on her own path we were all [TS]

  headed on our own path this was all old [TS]

  stuff that we were capable of shedding [TS]

  but I started to get drunk because I was [TS]

  terrified and was already at a point [TS]

  when you're we see said from the [TS]

  beginning you're cognizant that there [TS]

  wasn't never going to be a one beer [TS]

  night for you [TS]

  oh no and in a situation like this where [TS]

  it was just like uh you know i'm going [TS]

  to show everybody and I got drunk and at [TS]

  a certain point you know drunk I was [TS]

  like I confronted Debbie and said did [TS]

  you just invite me here to to to [TS]

  embarrass me she was like what are you [TS]

  talking about she had no idea my history [TS]

  with all these people and because she [TS]

  sort of moved in that circle [TS]

  effortlessly she didn't understand she [TS]

  didn't see them as as exclusive she [TS]

  didn't see them as people who would shun [TS]

  somebody for being fat or for being a [TS]

  nerd or for stealing their shoes you're [TS]

  wearing about time for wearing about [TS]

  time like she thought that the boat I [TS]

  was charming she didn't understand that [TS]

  they saw it as a further example of how [TS]

  i did not understand how to fit in and [TS]

  was never going to and and that the [TS]

  whole thing just the whole thing just [TS]

  turned into his disaster [TS]

  and you know and Debbie wanted she [TS]

  wanted us to go to get it get away from [TS]

  those people let's go upstairs and let's [TS]

  just and I was and I had I had so much [TS]

  baggage that I was the you know I was [TS]

  the one that that turned it into a a [TS]

  turned it into a scene between us about [TS]

  how I was never gonna you know I was [TS]

  never gonna be somebody that she would [TS]

  like and she was like I'm not asking you [TS]

  to be anything and it was it was just [TS]

  terrible [TS]

  all this because i saw that stupid [TS]

  bicycle under an overpass today I I'm [TS]

  now I'm reliving 1988 at the last year I [TS]

  possible after I would ever want to [TS]

  relive I just so much stupid shit nation [TS]

  8800 if I could [TS]

  let's see if i get erased three years if [TS]

  they did they'd be continued [TS]

  no I think you can raise three years out [TS]

  of your life ok any three years ago man [TS]

  that's going on um what's yeah well I'm [TS]

  not always a word this I mean a lot of [TS]

  terrible decisions in 1988 I've I tried [TS]

  to level up as a grownup in a lot of [TS]

  ways that year and failed colossally in [TS]

  ways that i didn't actually learn much [TS]

  from people who want to learn from your [TS]

  mistakes i think that's a lot of [TS]

  geography I was just down just really [TS]

  don't [TS]

  okay you pick one up another one uh [TS]

  let's see 87 write a seven any paid [TS]

  either then so I can't think of a better [TS]

  year to erase the 1988 if I could have a [TS]

  do-over [TS]

  uh-huh 1988 would be a really yeah [TS]

  really good year to do over and you know [TS]

  for for my second choice [TS]

  I kind of feel like you know maybe 2008 [TS]

  oh is that by ear for you [TS]

  yeah it was just like a year that I i [TS]

  feel like i could have done I could have [TS]

  done so much more in 2008 yeah I'm gonna [TS]

  take I was gonna say 79 [TS]

  and I think I'm gonna go with 1980 and [TS]

  maybe 2009 where I don't erase it but i [TS]

  wish i could get into over on this [TS]

  yeah maybe 2,000 maybe what I'm thinking [TS]

  2008 it's actually 2009 is what I'm [TS]

  talking about [TS]

  but you know I feel like it i feel like [TS]

  we should I feel like we should agree on [TS]

  three years later strength in numbers so [TS]

  88 2009 and then we have to pick one [TS]

  more year [TS]

  why 1980 1982 was more uh I was more [TS]

  victim of circumstance in 1980 but [TS]

  that's the 79 is when my mom remarried [TS]

  nothing gets me my mom is making the [TS]

  best decision she could she marry marry [TS]

  this guy who turned out to be awful and [TS]

  we moved to Florida from Ohio so you [TS]

  know I went to military school a lot of [TS]

  pop music was cocaine e a lot of very [TS]

  memorable get your home notes and stuff [TS]

  but 1984 me was was a very tough I mean [TS]

  it was it was the year without a clutch [TS]

  I mean it just felt like all the gears [TS]

  are grinding so hard work if every if [TS]

  everything in my life had been perfect [TS]

  you know I and like I was if everything [TS]

  had supported the kind of person i [TS]

  needed to be it still would've been a [TS]

  hard year because i was 13 but given [TS]

  what I was up against it's the year I [TS]

  kind of gave up on life in a lot of ways [TS]

  in a way that would dog me definitely [TS]

  through high school that I really feel [TS]

  like I didn't I never completely came [TS]

  out of it but I didn't really come out [TS]

  of it really until like I went to [TS]

  college was kind of forced to like [TS]

  reboot and I did have that fresh [TS]

  opportunity to to be like you know it [TS]

  helps to get help so I went to a school [TS]

  was okay to be a weirdo [TS]

  we're actually I was not a weirdo I was [TS]

  a pretty you straight normal kid but [TS]

  that was anyway that's my 1980 [TS]

  I you know I know if we said if you said [TS]

  the 80 81 school year nineteen eighty [TS]

  starting in September and i have no [TS]

  affection or attachment to that at all [TS]

  well I i could join 481 let's do 81 [TS]

  let's do September in September 8081 [TS]

  over and I'm done with you a hundred [TS]

  percent that was seventh grade [TS]

  yeah and seventh grade was no oh good [TS]

  now I i I'm pleased to see some [TS]

  interesting uptake in our [TS]

  I thought technology around a [TS]

  junior-high concierge services [TS]

  uh-huh uh-huh well there's an [TS]

  opportunity there [TS]

  I you know and all this it feels like [TS]

  when I when I talk about a do-over mi [TS]

  I'm very curious to know like whether [TS]

  that do over would be if if we're going [TS]

  to allow if we're going to appeal to the [TS]

  to the parole board and say do-over on [TS]

  81 school year [TS]

  are they going to say ok all its just [TS]

  alternate universe John and Merlin your [TS]

  view there it's still it's still your [TS]

  your dumb seventh-grade brain Ryan just [TS]

  you just get it you know we're just [TS]

  going to set you in motion like 30 [TS]

  seconds later so it's a completely [TS]

  different version reason but yeah give [TS]

  me a crack about this on Twitter the [TS]

  other day about wishing you could go [TS]

  back and like you know with all the [TS]

  stuff you know now after yeah right i [TS]

  mean that's the thing like if I could go [TS]

  back and be my own concierge and you [TS]

  know and every week have a sit-down with [TS]

  myself and say listen here and I think [TS]

  we're gonna I don't think we can allow [TS]

  that I think it's a reset of the [TS]

  timeline i think maybe result of the [TS]

  time later can you actually go back [TS]

  inhabit your earlier self i don't think [TS]

  so i well I think well here's the thing [TS]

  i think you have to go back with the [TS]

  same knowledge and stuff that you had at [TS]

  the time I think maybe you get to [TS]

  inhabit like an african-american janitor [TS]

  who gets to give you wisdom sometimes [TS]

  well [TS]

  oh you're saying that you're saying that [TS]

  that there's a morgan freeman character [TS]

  yes but only putting this message on [TS]

  what if what if in the timeline that [TS]

  actually that we know of that already [TS]

  existed [TS]

  what if you already had gone back there [TS]

  and you just didn't listen to morgan [TS]

  freeman because you thought you had it [TS]

  all wired [TS]

  well here's the problem i have known you [TS]

  would you know if your morgan freeman i [TS]

  know for a fact that no Morgan Freeman [TS]

  ever deigned to give me advice I was [TS]

  starved for adult advice and and every [TS]

  single like that God maybe maybe should [TS]

  leave the boat home every single God [TS]

  character in my story was busy talking [TS]

  to another kid because I I'm you know [TS]

  I'm walking by in a brown tuxedo and [TS]

  they are you know and they're telling [TS]

  somebody to improve their golf swing in [TS]

  a completely different episode [TS]

  no one ever stop me you know the ND and [TS]

  the teachers that I had that we're good [TS]

  they didn't understand I mean a lot of [TS]

  them were younger teachers who who felt [TS]

  like the way they needed to approach me [TS]

  and and deal with me was to how do I put [TS]

  this [TS]

  like I was so precocious that that that [TS]

  the adult response was often like you [TS]

  think you're pretty cool don't you [TS]

  oh you like you're like they're like a [TS]

  little dog and you're like a rat you [TS]

  like threatening to them [TS]

  yeah yeah and-and-and their best you [TS]

  know they had the best intentions which [TS]

  was to say things aren't what you think [TS]

  they are I think you know the world [TS]

  isn't like you think it is but the way [TS]

  that they approached me was always that [TS]

  always in that tone of like hey mr. cool [TS]

  why don't you sit down and listen once [TS]

  in awhile and stop being you know like [TS]

  it was very they were trying to be teams [TS]

  you know they were trying to communicate [TS]

  with me i remember i remember at this is [TS]

  gonna sound terrible but I had a high [TS]

  school teacher who pulled me aside I may [TS]

  have told you about this high school [TS]

  teacher who pulled me aside and said i [TS]

  was in the teachers lounge the other day [TS]

  we were talking about you and I was like [TS]

  really what would say what and he said [TS]

  well you know I was talking to the shop [TS]

  teacher about you and we both agreed [TS]

  that you that you probably get a lot of [TS]

  tail [TS]

  am i right whoa whoa and I was a virgin [TS]

  and yet my response was hook [TS]

  well I mean you know i'm not one to talk [TS]

  out of school and he said that's what I [TS]

  thought that's what I thought [TS]

  am i right am i right that's so weird [TS]

  and I was like to totally I mean you [TS]

  know [TS]

  yes and also haha and also who and he [TS]

  was trying to make [TS]

  a connection with me but he had read my [TS]

  blog stir and this at this was true of i [TS]

  think a lot of people at my school had [TS]

  read my blaster and my confidence in the [TS]

  fact that that uh you know that i did [TS]

  have a lot of friends that you know that [TS]

  I was a kid that teachers were talking [TS]

  about in the teachers lounge [TS]

  he had read all that incorrectly which [TS]

  is to say he read it as I was projecting [TS]

  it rather than seeing through it and so [TS]

  he will you know he wanted to be my pal [TS]

  and yet in that moment like i couldn't [TS]

  have felt more estranged from him [TS]

  because now I'm are now I am conscious [TS]

  of I I'm conscious of adults seeing me [TS]

  as a as a player [TS]

  as a as a player [TS]

  mhm and I was desperate at that time for [TS]

  somebody to put their arm around my [TS]

  shoulder and say your virgin right cool [TS]

  so she just Shh like just cool it just [TS]

  it's fine it's good to be a version [TS]

  still and you can do that and just be [TS]

  fine and not and it's not that I walked [TS]

  around school haha claiming that i [TS]

  wasn't right it was joint that I had you [TS]

  know I was my dad introduced me to this [TS]

  concept when I was really young big man [TS]

  on campus and my dad was like are you [TS]

  big man on campus bmoc moc and I was [TS]

  like I don't know what does that even [TS]

  mean and he was like big man on campus [TS]

  you know big man you're the big guy [TS]

  you're the guy on campus the big guy the [TS]

  one but there you know BMOC and i was [TS]

  like i guess i'll be i guess is that the [TS]

  expectation I can you know like the [TS]

  expectation was that ipf I guess that I [TS]

  be the BMOC and so I was but anyway so [TS]

  that relationship and I had that kind of [TS]

  relationship with several teachers who [TS]

  were like who recognized that I was [TS]

  flailing but what they saw was what I [TS]

  was projecting and not what I was and no [TS]

  there was never that there was never [TS]

  that character that that came into the [TS]

  script that was like hey i see what you [TS]

  really are and it and and it's fine [TS]

  because you know that that was one of [TS]

  the ways of which one of the primary [TS]

  reasons I didn't trust adults they [TS]

  didn't seem to be any smarter than kids [TS]

  I you're making me feel like I'm [TS]

  realizing something here something [TS]

  something i'm really really really [TS]

  starting to get with my kid that I [TS]

  suspect goes to what you're talking [TS]

  about i think it was stuff I've thought [TS]

  about in the past kids of all kinds you [TS]

  know young younger than adult age people [TS]

  if there's one thing most all of them [TS]

  have in common [TS]

  from a very very fairly early age it's [TS]

  that they're very resistant to a frontal [TS]

  attack on you know what i mean so going [TS]

  going at somebody had to have the trying [TS]

  to confront kit at one extreme end [TS]

  confronting a can on why they're mostly [TS]

  going to say no i didn't i didn't do [TS]

  that right or in this case you know in [TS]

  for me like stuff like I actually will [TS]

  sometimes like I'm trying to turbo to [TS]

  the solution way too early so I'll i was [TS]

  drinking try to encourage my child to [TS]

  talk about how she feels about things [TS]

  that's the last thing in the world that [TS]

  she wants to do and in your case what [TS]

  you're describing here is like you know [TS]

  they they have this like first question [TS]

  that they're gonna ask you like whether [TS]

  that's what you're getting any pussy but [TS]

  so bizarre or whatever but they [TS]

  commanded it the it's too on-the-nose [TS]

  it's to it really is the the reaction [TS]

  gift for this would be some guy walking [TS]

  and taking off his jacket with the [TS]

  patches on the elbows and turn in the [TS]

  seat around backwards so you can have a [TS]

  rap session you see that coming a mile [TS]

  off when you're a kid and I think your [TS]

  defenses really pop up when that happens [TS]

  when there is a question that you really [TS]

  want to be asked but it's it's not the [TS]

  question and that they're asking did you [TS]

  know what I mean yeah the the thing that [TS]

  I heard the most from the from the two [TS]

  teachers that I respected the most was [TS]

  and they both said it to me over and [TS]

  over and they were friends with each [TS]

  other and they were you know guys in [TS]

  their thirties who were well read they [TS]

  were the English teachers and so forth [TS]

  the thing i heard the most from them was [TS]

  Roderick you're such an asshole and I [TS]

  felt a lot of pride in the fact that [TS]

  these two teachers basically would talk [TS]

  to me that way like a like sort of [TS]

  appear you're such an asshole and they [TS]

  meant it to be kind of encouraging in [TS]

  the sense [TS]

  of like you're you're growing up now [TS]

  you're not a brat you're an asshole but [TS]

  what it ultimately was was you know it [TS]

  confirmed in me all these things that I [TS]

  was the most afraid of [TS]

  I didn't want to be an asshole I wasn't [TS]

  even trying to be an asshole i was [TS]

  trying to I was trying to be funny or I [TS]

  was trying to be smart or I was trying [TS]

  to be you know is trying to be cool and [TS]

  asshole was I don't think that's on [TS]

  anybody's list of of ambitions and what [TS]

  in what I what I what I wish that either [TS]

  one of those guys had done was to say [TS]

  you know the back to say hey look this [TS]

  game we're playing this thing that [TS]

  you're in this school this these people [TS]

  like this is small beer life is actually [TS]

  not anything like this [TS]

  right right right there is a place for [TS]

  you in the world and if if anybody has [TS]

  ever said that like there's no place for [TS]

  you here clearly but there is a place [TS]

  for you in the world I would have you [TS]

  know i would have borne everything with [TS]

  so much more calm over and the panic was [TS]

  just this feeling of like there's no [TS]

  there's no place for me here and I don't [TS]

  see any place for me in my parents world [TS]

  I don't see any place for me in the [TS]

  world of the newspaper except you know [TS]

  except such Carlson everyone so i'll [TS]

  write a column for a the Anchorage Daily [TS]

  News and a and I feel like I can I could [TS]

  I could see myself in in his column [TS]

  every once in a while it's like there's [TS]

  I mean there is light out there [TS]

  somewhere [TS]

  yeah thats i'm probably put that was [TS]

  what i was trying to get that was like [TS]

  when you go out somebody and you're [TS]

  gonna be helpful right you go in you're [TS]

  gonna be helpful you're gonna come in [TS]

  and you're gonna like you know same [TS]

  thing that needs to be said and shake [TS]

  somebody up and like the problem is that [TS]

  like what what they don't take fully [TS]

  into account is that you are much more [TS]

  maybe i'm being dismissive but I i think [TS]

  you you kids are so much more vulnerable [TS]

  and uh and then they're so vulnerable [TS]

  and they know that they're vulnerable [TS]

  and the very last thing in there were [TS]

  the world that they're gonna do is gonna [TS]

  be breakdown whatever shoddy defenses [TS]

  they have on that vulnerability [TS]

  ok and so you kind of you I mean I and [TS]

  now that sounds like an after school [TS]

  special but you kind of need to not it's [TS]

  like almost like treat the kids like a [TS]

  cat [TS]

  I just don't go up and flip it over and [TS]

  start rubbing his tummy you gotta go [TS]

  real slow and you've got to just spend [TS]

  some time with that person until that [TS]

  you have credibility with them where you [TS]

  know maybe you should learn a little bit [TS]

  more about who they are as a person [TS]

  before you come dive bombing in with a [TS]

  solution because that's just going to be [TS]

  more off-putting you know and then on [TS]

  top of all kinds of an asshole and [TS]

  that's what you call somebody that you [TS]

  want to reform its what you want to call [TS]

  somebody who's a lost cause [TS]

  well I'm that exact that you hit the [TS]

  nail on that is what they that is what [TS]

  they were communicating to me like we [TS]

  can't reach you [TS]

  you're gonna you're gonna be and when it [TS]

  and and it was like any efforts will be [TS]

  wasted but it was admiring you know this [TS]

  was the crazy thing it was admiring like [TS]

  you are going to you know like what they [TS]

  were saying was you are already on a [TS]

  trajectory far away from here but and [TS]

  and so all they could say was asshole as [TS]

  they were kicking me out the door for um [TS]

  and there was a 50-50 there was a fifty [TS]

  percent chance that that trajectory was [TS]

  going to go right through juvenile hall [TS]

  right into jail and there and you know [TS]

  and I don't think they wanted to be [TS]

  wrong and say you've got a bright future [TS]

  and then I end up in jail [TS]

  well it's kinda almost like their way of [TS]

  saying kudos like you wanted to screw it [TS]

  up and you screwed it up real good [TS]

  yeah but without but it like what you [TS]

  are saying I mean I'm in a very i'm [TS]

  going to vary [TS]

  interesting place with my daughter right [TS]

  now which is that she when when I push [TS]

  her a little bit too much just just to [TS]

  sound out a word or two try to climb [TS]

  over the wall herself or to you know [TS]

  what whatever I say you know try again [TS]

  if i say try again three times she [TS]

  surrenders and and we get caught in a [TS]

  dynamic where I say well I mean you [TS]

  can't just quit [TS]

  we have to try we have to try again [TS]

  there's nothing wrong with trying again [TS]

  there's nothing wrong with trying and [TS]

  not succeeding but it's important to try [TS]

  multiple times and she says no I can't I [TS]

  can't do it and gets very emotional and [TS]

  I and I'm thinking back to my own [TS]

  relationship with my dad who in those [TS]

  situations was would get mad and would [TS]

  say god damn it get up and do it again [TS]

  and I don't and I don't want to be there [TS]

  and I do do this thing that you're [TS]

  saying where I'm like let's talk about [TS]

  your feelings here and she's just like [TS]

  fuck you talking like a i think a [TS]

  process server that the reaction is so [TS]

  negative talk about my feelings [TS]

  go to hell and eventually what we end up [TS]

  doing is sometimes we're just we just [TS]

  sit on the sidewalk for 30 minutes not [TS]

  trying not you know and crying and not [TS]

  succeeding and my and my parenting is [TS]

  not succeeding and I see all kinds of [TS]

  parents who you know whose whose [TS]

  philosophy is well she doesn't want to [TS]

  do it then then move on get an ice cream [TS]

  cone and you know and I don't and I [TS]

  don't often admire the results of that [TS]

  style of parenting and so not i'm [TS]

  absolutely at a at a an impasse and I'm [TS]

  very moved by your [TS]

  by your insight into the fact that she [TS]

  knows that she's she knows what her [TS]

  vulnerabilities are and she knows that [TS]

  those are the last things that she wants [TS]

  to reveal like that feels very native to [TS]

  me to that your vulnerabilities are not [TS]

  what you want to probe not the things [TS]

  you had an end to surrender in those [TS]

  moments as she does is very defensive [TS]

  against failure obviously but also [TS]

  defensive against against my involvement [TS]

  and right you know she's such a small [TS]

  baby still that it that all of this is I [TS]

  mean that she's not she's not [TS]

  strategizing it it's just coming out [TS]

  this way but I feel like I'm I feel like [TS]

  I really want them to try and not carved [TS]

  big ruts in the ground right and yes and [TS]

  I mean this is a huge process for me [TS]

  that I struggle with all the time but if [TS]

  you think about how often with us with [TS]

  anybody but especially with a little kid [TS]

  what so you get your crying what is [TS]

  crying crying is surrender [TS]

  crying is when you kind of have [TS]

  something that's so emotional that you [TS]

  have a good buffer overrun or whatever [TS]

  like there's just too much stuff here [TS]

  and you kind of want to give up but you [TS]

  know what i mean it's like you kind of [TS]

  emotionally reached the end of your rope [TS]

  and that's how it comes out but what is [TS]

  the emotion that's so frequently [TS]

  precedes crying its anger like think [TS]

  about how at least my in our case at our [TS]

  house like crying is almost always [TS]

  preceded with anger and I think a lot of [TS]

  times that anger is unconsciously like [TS]

  unknowingly worrying about that [TS]

  vulnerability that you have like for you [TS]

  and me will try again to do this thing [TS]

  you know they're not gonna die even if [TS]

  they fall but they don't but they're [TS]

  also you as you know as well as I think [TS]

  agreeing that the vulnerability part is [TS]

  there [TS]

  the improbable upside down approach that [TS]

  I'm trying to really think about and i [TS]

  had to not have a handle on this yet [TS]

  whether it's for my daughter for anybody [TS]

  to junior hire anybody else is that I do [TS]

  really feel like very few things are [TS]

  successful in the wrong run when they're [TS]

  based on fear and depleting security [TS]

  like that can be when you're a grown-up [TS]

  like their stuff you gotta do and you [TS]

  want to take care of this like you have [TS]

  the equipment to deal with that but [TS]

  especially when you're younger and you [TS]

  have all those vulnerabilities that [TS]

  you're acutely aware of like I just try [TS]

  to avoid anything that even [TS]

  unintentionally becomes less secure [TS]

  rather than more secure because I feel [TS]

  like I'm being supportive when I say hey [TS]

  you know you can do this or I you know I [TS]

  know but what I'm really doing is kind [TS]

  of making it about me and I'm kind of [TS]

  making you know when like here's my [TS]

  expectations for what you can do when [TS]

  like what you described like sitting on [TS]

  the sidewalk [TS]

  that's the thing to do is the hardest [TS]

  thing in the world again Shh right [TS]

  there's this time we've got to go like [TS]

  you know what I all of my words are not [TS]

  going to do anything to add to this and [TS]

  in a way i'm probably not i'm not aware [TS]

  of i am making this more perilous [TS]

  because now she sees me being nervous [TS]

  and trying to make her feel better [TS]

  why is he doing that well I must have [TS]

  done something wrong or something bad [TS]

  you know what I mean it's like you are [TS]

  reactions to how people do stuff in the [TS]

  world ends up having a much user impact [TS]

  than what we think or what we believe or [TS]

  even what we say you know what I mean [TS]

  it's how we act is what the the [TS]

  supportiveness sometimes it just let [TS]

  them you know you don't want you to turn [TS]

  into it you know an idiot or an asshole [TS]

  but I think about things I said to her [TS]

  that I thought were very inspiring and i [TS]

  really regret [TS]

  I've said things in the past like I know [TS]

  you can be a better person than this and [TS]

  think oh my gosh what a horrible for [TS]

  what a horrible thing to say I'm trying [TS]

  to say I really do believe in you and I [TS]

  know you're a good person but like [TS]

  because to me that's a question I ask [TS]

  myself is this the person that I want to [TS]

  be all grown man that's a good question [TS]

  for me to ask myself [TS]

  you're not a great question feel [TS]

  supported but it's not yeah yeah and and [TS]

  I I don't know how much my parents [TS]

  recognize themselves in me it didn't [TS]

  seem to me like they did recognize [TS]

  themselves very much in me until maybe [TS]

  later [TS]

  um and and watching Marlo I'm trying not [TS]

  to recognize myself in her because I [TS]

  don't want to put my own struggles on [TS]

  her and I don't want to see her [TS]

  struggles as extensions of mine or or [TS]

  recapitulation of some family line so [TS]

  hard not to do [TS]

  it's hard not to do and and and so I'm [TS]

  just watching her and saying like what [TS]

  are you gonna do what are you going to [TS]

  struggle with and you know and I also [TS]

  wanted to stop yelling in restaurants [TS]

  about stuff about her poop you know so [TS]

  there are things there are certain [TS]

  things well that's the great goals i [TS]

  just say no you do not yell about poop [TS]

  in a Mexican restaurant but but beyond [TS]

  that like do I care if she's a soccer [TS]

  player or not know do i do I want her to [TS]

  learn that if she tries something and it [TS]

  doesn't work that someone else will step [TS]

  in and do it for no do I want her to [TS]

  learn that if she tried something and it [TS]

  doesn't work [TS]

  everything comes to a screeching halt [TS]

  and everybody stares at her until she [TS]

  figures that I don't know [TS]

  so you know but but I've never I've [TS]

  never helped somebody learn how to do [TS]

  things like this before you know [TS]

  somebody wasn't I mean to do not appear [TS]

  and she's like she's like from another [TS]

  planet right I don't hurt her skill set [TS]

  is real different than ours [TS]

  I'm not teaching her to drive i'm [TS]

  teaching her not to eat glass and you [TS]

  know and I don't want to I don't want to [TS]

  fill her little heart with fear and I [TS]

  don't want to I don't want to make her [TS]

  embarrassed about herself and you know [TS]

  and so far so far we're doing a great [TS]

  job her mother and I are [TS]

  I feel like weird we're doing good but [TS]

  this is a new this is a new world where [TS]

  she is asserting herself and the only [TS]

  way she the only power she has is the [TS]

  power to um you know it's not the only [TS]

  power but it's very interesting to watch [TS]

  heard learned that she has the power to [TS]

  not do something for the power to not [TS]

  like the power to not try [TS]

  uh-huh especially if she knows it drives [TS]

  you crazy it's a huge power [TS]

  uh-huh and i used the power to not try [TS]

  that was one of my major powers in my [TS]

  family the power to not try a superpower [TS]

  it was my super power and the power to [TS]

  not try is incredibly frustrating for [TS]

  people for other people because it isn't [TS]

  you know it isn't that you're trying and [TS]

  fucking up it is that you just aren't [TS]

  even willing to try and that drove my my [TS]

  own people to distraction and it caused [TS]

  me so much additional pain and suffering [TS]

  in my own life over and above this the [TS]

  pain and suffering of just failing at [TS]

  something and I don't want I don't want [TS]

  her to have to to endure that the same [TS]

  way i did but i have to you know I have [TS]

  to step back and say she's not reliving [TS]

  your life she's not you know should her [TS]

  her challenges are different so I i said [TS]

  and talk to her but I'm going to start [TS]

  doing that now with this this other [TS]

  understanding that she's not that that [TS]

  no no one in their right mind and [TS]

  particularly not a four-year-old is [TS]

  going to be unguarded about the things [TS]

  that she knows our her her greatest [TS]

  vulnerabilities and that's just seems [TS]

  that makes so much sense when you say it [TS]

  of course you don't that's not your [TS]

  expectation right i mean i would think [TS]

  so much parenting advice is it is [TS]

  predicated on the idea that your child [TS]

  is an open book and that they're gonna [TS]

  just tell me they're gonna talk about [TS]

  their fucking feelings [TS]

  the worst thing in the world I feel like [TS]

  such activities is such a fit such a [TS]

  total failure that I thought maybe I'd [TS]

  just watched any TV shows i really [TS]

  thought it could be something where I [TS]

  wrap lightly on the door and stick my [TS]

  hand I got hey do you want to talk [TS]

  what hey hey sweetie you know the way [TS]

  for us to establish really good [TS]

  communications between father and [TS]

  daughter just to start talking about [TS]

  your feelings when you're for yeah you [TS]

  know i was thinkin maybe I to come into [TS]

  your room which is the only place where [TS]

  you feel really safe from the rest of [TS]

  the world and I committed confront [TS]

  structure of vulnerabilities and that's [TS]

  2-2 pitch in [TS]

  just sit on the edge of your bed and [TS]

  wrapped you know you know what I'll just [TS]

  be a I'll just be a friendly ear while [TS]

  you talk about all of that and you know [TS]

  what and maybe even i'll make some [TS]

  suggestions maybe I'll tale about how [TS]

  I'm broken inside and talk any good luck [TS]

  [Music] [TS]