Roderick on the Line

Ep. 104: "Talismans of a Dead Age"

 

  [Music] [TS]

  slow hi John I'm Merlin how's it goin [TS]

  good how are you I'm very well early [TS]

  yeah well this is still honestly it's [TS]

  still early for you [TS]

  her yeah um well I mean yeah yeah it's [TS]

  really the thing is I've set all the [TS]

  clocks in my house 10 minutes fast haha [TS]

  like Vince Lombardi and so by so I [TS]

  always I'm running around like our kind [TS]

  of late so late oh oh no and then I then [TS]

  I get you know I get to where I'm going [TS]

  like i sat down here thinking I was 10 [TS]

  minutes late for your for your call and [TS]

  then I looked up I was like oh I'm my [TS]

  own time [TS]

  oh wow my plan worked do you know who [TS]

  myself fooling you forget that they're [TS]

  set forward [TS]

  oh yeah i read a biography of us don't [TS]

  lie don't know it's a clock that's why [TS]

  it's not locked cock i've enlisted them [TS]

  in the circuit in my service [TS]

  it's a life hack i am making those [TS]

  clocks but i'm sure that those clocks [TS]

  when they go to clock heaven [TS]

  mhm have to answer to clock st. Peter [TS]

  for all the years that they were 10 [TS]

  minutes of as and even still they had to [TS]

  wait because they got there 10 minutes [TS]

  earlier that sounds like a bad irish [TS]

  progress made the clocks be 10 minutes [TS]

  early for your date with Peter the clock [TS]

  st. I juicing Vince Lombardi did this I [TS]

  I'm trying to remember um I've always [TS]

  been a fan of biographies was a little [TS]

  kid I would lose your batteries i [TS]

  remember reading a biography of insolent [TS]

  know this is true i think it's him that [TS]

  supposedly he said his watch forward [TS]

  some n number of minutes like 10 minutes [TS]

  and I i heard that and how are the [TS]

  actual facts in the matter are I started [TS]

  singing all of our clocks forward five [TS]

  minutes because i thought this is [TS]

  brilliant i'll never be late again [TS]

  because all as it is you know even today [TS]

  I'm still late for everything all the [TS]

  time but I but the the crap you've [TS]

  answered the question the question is it [TS]

  seems like you would you would see my [TS]

  problem is I would remember that the [TS]

  five minutes [TS]

  fast and then I would recompensing eight [TS]

  in my lateness and it can make even [TS]

  worse it seems to me that what you could [TS]

  do is is it would be nice to have built [TS]

  a purpose clock that could randomly be a [TS]

  certain amount of fast and I wouldn't [TS]

  know how much right right you can [TS]

  introduce a little entropy of the clock [TS]

  the problem is that a the with this [TS]

  system now is that everybody has a phone [TS]

  and the phone is always exactly right [TS]

  and so but but working in my advantage [TS]

  is that I lose my phone all the time [TS]

  uh-huh so when I look so I having a [TS]

  phone that is always right causes me to [TS]

  forget that I have set the clocks in my [TS]

  house all wrong and i have innumerable [TS]

  clocks in my house [TS]

  partly because I collect clocks and so [TS]

  I'm always looking up at the clock that [TS]

  shaped like the state of Alaska or the [TS]

  clock that is made out of 1964 silver [TS]

  coins em or you know I have a microwave [TS]

  and oven and they both have clocks that [TS]

  are right up of one another and [TS]

  sometimes sometimes I will sit for a [TS]

  full minute with my finger on the Start [TS]

  clock button [TS]

  oh yeah of one of them waiting for the [TS]

  other one to turn so that they are [TS]

  exactly in sync [TS]

  oh my god John i am i'm sorry to say I [TS]

  am so glad you said that I I don't know [TS]

  I've had the reputation i think it's [TS]

  sometimes of being somebody I think it's [TS]

  obviously somebody's tightly wound there [TS]

  are a handful of things that I'm really [TS]

  tightly wound if you like about and one [TS]

  of them is it drives me nuts we've got [TS]

  we've got like a radio on top of the [TS]

  refrigerator which is one of those it's [TS]

  not like a fancy pose but it's one of [TS]

  those like little like nice radios gotta [TS]

  clock [TS]

  yeah you gotta clock on the microwave [TS]

  and it drives me crazy with no match for [TS]

  me to get feels it feels like something [TS]

  is fundamentally wrong something is [TS]

  fundamentally wrong and the clocks note [TS]

  to the Hawks are very upset when the [TS]

  hair here on my desk my private office [TS]

  I've got this [TS]

  this dinguses by ten bucks says atomic [TS]

  clock on it and this clock automatically [TS]

  sets itself using science right science [TS]

  uh-huh is some some protons vibrating at [TS]

  a million miles an hour and that clock [TS]

  knows it now I know you're not a [TS]

  scientist I think there are protons [TS]

  vibrating and somewhere there's some [TS]

  cadmium is degrading alright and that's [TS]

  the GMT so actually I know a guy here [TS]

  that really gets off on degrading cat [TS]

  cadmium Jason fitting haha mixing blue [TS]

  why do i say doing when I have a bell [TS]

  right in front of me [TS]

  primary the technology [TS]

  yeah I yeah I don't like being that way [TS]

  you have the only way that would work [TS]

  for me i think is if they if they were [TS]

  all wrong but you know part of it is [TS]

  also you know I hate to admit it but [TS]

  listen to the NPR a lot and you know [TS]

  that's coming off the radio and that's a [TS]

  straight shot right off the radio and [TS]

  i'll read it to the time [TS]

  yeah with the cadmium and whatnot and I [TS]

  and so if it gets if I her dog done the [TS]

  thing you're late and it is for its 459 [TS]

  I'm I'm livid [TS]

  yeah yeah well I i just had a very [TS]

  interesting conversation kind of on this [TS]

  exact topic this weekend [TS]

  your friend of mine been a curse stay [TS]

  here at my house [TS]

  oh boy I bet that was funny it was fun [TS]

  because also staying here guys all [TS]

  snowstorm oh I better off staying at my [TS]

  like the worst loved whatever trouble [TS]

  little farm that's right no girls [TS]

  allowed [TS]

  but um you know this this way I have of [TS]

  anthropomorphic sizing not just animals [TS]

  but also inanimate objects [TS]

  I was host i was telling the knacker [TS]

  about my coffeemaker saga where I had [TS]

  the one coffee maker that was fine and [TS]

  then I got the other coffee maker [TS]

  because it was going to solve all my [TS]

  problems but it was a piece shit and [TS]

  then I told you about it and you saw you [TS]

  additionally solve my problem by sending [TS]

  me a third coffee maker sorry and I was [TS]

  like Christmas have all these coffee [TS]

  makers and I can't get rid of them [TS]

  because I'm not a monster [TS]

  collector and then then very you know [TS]

  strangely said do you mean that you're [TS]

  not a monster in that you don't get rid [TS]

  of those superfluous coffee makers [TS]

  because you're afraid to hurt their [TS]

  feelings and I said yes [TS]

  what's your point thank you for knowing [TS]

  me uh-huh and he said it's interesting [TS]

  that and I said do you know because [TS]

  that's such an penetrating observation i [TS]

  said you do you feel that that inanimate [TS]

  objects have feelings and you're afraid [TS]

  of hurting them and he said well no in [TS]

  fact I'm sort of the great santini of [TS]

  inanimate objects [TS]

  I walk around my house yelling at them [TS]

  for failing to meet my expectations and [TS]

  we and so now i'm very curious i pull up [TS]

  a chair [TS]

  even though I'm late for the podcast but [TS]

  I'm not because I'm to my collection 10 [TS]

  minutes fast and I say tell you still [TS]

  there right now [TS]

  yeah he's downstairs that and I said [TS]

  tell me more about this and he said well [TS]

  I walk around the house and I'm like god [TS]

  dammit Sox where are you why are you on [TS]

  my feet [TS]

  god damn it you know television set why [TS]

  don't you why does the channel come in [TS]

  and I recognized immediately that the [TS]

  voice that he was using to speak to [TS]

  inanimate objects was the voice that a [TS]

  depressed person uses to talk to [TS]

  themselves the last roll [TS]

  that's right and I said but you never [TS]

  talk that way to yourself and he said oh [TS]

  no I'm great with myself [TS]

  meet me and myself are good together but [TS]

  but he does have that voice he's just [TS]

  directing it at the half the dumb things [TS]

  and and and I I immediately was playing [TS]

  this scenario out like what happens when [TS]

  I can't find my socks and what happens [TS]

  when I can't find my socks is in in my [TS]

  inner monologue [TS]

  I'm saying asshole why the you know why [TS]

  can't you find your socks my house art [TS]

  is that how hard it is to get your such [TS]

  an idea what you know you should have a [TS]

  system for having socks [TS]

  and you don't even have you don't have a [TS]

  system and so those socks are everywhere [TS]

  and now you're late in your idiot and he [TS]

  is saying that same thing except the [TS]

  socks [TS]

  Wow and he and he honestly you know you [TS]

  know Ben actor he's not a depressed [TS]

  person not really [TS]

  and yet he has the same voice the same [TS]

  impulse it's just he has miraculously [TS]

  figured out or or like been raised to or [TS]

  in his in his his beautiful mind has [TS]

  transferred that responsibility to the [TS]

  dumb thing and I'm just reeling from it [TS]

  i think it's fantastic it's it takes it [TS]

  takes years to realize that the voices [TS]

  even there [TS]

  let's be honest I mean you may be made [TS]

  be aware occasionally have like feeling [TS]

  bad about yourself but to really [TS]

  recognize that there is a while [TS]

  strolling your head take it configures [TS]

  to really finally acknowledge that and [TS]

  notice it when it's gonna go i know that [TS]

  guy but what a move to be able to know [TS]

  that voice is there and then take it as [TS]

  your own and directed towards socks [TS]

  isn't that something that's a thought [TS]

  technology i really really i'm i'm [TS]

  looking around my room and I'm so angry [TS]

  at everything here now you're stuck to [TS]

  get some as well because all this shit [TS]

  has been failing me this entire time and [TS]

  I thought it was my fault know and its [TS]

  really all these dumb things that are [TS]

  not where they belong and they're not [TS]

  helping me the way they should and just [TS]

  looking at them [TS]

  I thought we I thought we had reached a [TS]

  point I really did felt like even as [TS]

  recently as a couple years ago i'm not [TS]

  going to go into the iphone thing but [TS]

  i'm just gonna say like it seemed like [TS]

  up to maybe in the last couple years you [TS]

  could do stuff that started to seem like [TS]

  magic like you had a phone that you can [TS]

  look at the internet on it worked and in [TS]

  my case something I want to go too far [TS]

  because it's not super interesting but [TS]

  apparently I have cable TV and didn't [TS]

  know it but you [TS]

  well yeah we got it at some point and I [TS]

  guess I forgot to cancel or whatever we [TS]

  got cable TV and then I sat down one [TS]

  night because my wife said let's watch [TS]

  the oscars and I said that's good we've [TS]

  got cable TV i think and i went i [TS]

  collected all the things all the pieces [TS]

  of Technology the comcast has been [TS]

  sending me without my asking over the [TS]

  years that I'm supposed to connect up [TS]

  but you remember I mean as recently as a [TS]

  couple three years ago we've gotten to [TS]

  the point that you and I of course you [TS]

  remember what was involved in getting a [TS]

  special cable [TS]

  and uh if i canna was an anchorage yeah [TS]

  yeah yeah [TS]

  crouch down yeah we're going to review [TS]

  the wrong the parental key turn your key [TS]

  sir you have the thing on your box you [TS]

  can slip a piece of cardboard into to [TS]

  get the porno channels but you there's [TS]

  always an intermediary thing and it [TS]

  seemed like we got to a point where [TS]

  maybe even since college on a modern [TS]

  setup all you have to do is take your [TS]

  coaxial cable from out of the wall and [TS]

  plug it into your TV and now you had TV [TS]

  yet all the TV and all the TV and that [TS]

  was it [TS]

  I mean the worst thing was I mean [TS]

  figuring out are you on channel three or [TS]

  four right that one that was it and [TS]

  you're done and you don't touch again [TS]

  until the TV explodes and you buy [TS]

  another one and you know i'm not the [TS]

  sharpest knife in the drawer but I can [TS]

  usually figure these things it's you [TS]

  should see this this octopus of junk [TS]

  that we've got and what I finally [TS]

  discovered was that one of the things [TS]

  that they sent us was like a converter [TS]

  that you would use for like it basically [TS]

  it's like a tiny cable box like the size [TS]

  of a box of matches and you use their [TS]

  comcast remote to change the channels [TS]

  with that I don't know how to do this [TS]

  John just it just feels like I want to [TS]

  yell I want to yell at all the devices [TS]

  now and as I fight it because you know i [TS]

  know that i know the the Welshman's in [TS]

  there i just i would like to think i can [TS]

  rise above it and I think that's killing [TS]

  me [TS]

  yeah no no I i believe i believe that i [TS]

  believe in this new technology i believe [TS]

  in yelling at things [TS]

  who the problem is that it would with [TS]

  technology and i will get into the [TS]

  iphone thing [TS]

  oh my god fucking gone John can talk [TS]

  about the experts and i'll talk about [TS]

  the salty so mad at ya gotta put a [TS]

  couple drops I'm so bad at seven fucking [TS]

  mad at my outfit because you know I'm [TS]

  entirely dependent on it and yet there [TS]

  is still that suggestion and it's that [TS]

  it's the fall suggestion that that [TS]

  suggested by like false options you know [TS]

  yet we have we have four or five options [TS]

  and they're all false it's like up AT&T [TS]

  or Verizon do i get a do i get a [TS]

  microsoft phone or google phone or [TS]

  iPhone and and and so when you're a [TS]

  knight a delta who exactly united or [TS]

  delta and so when the system isn't [TS]

  working [TS]

  there's that little [TS]

  little element of doubt in your mind [TS]

  that maybe you made the wrong choice and [TS]

  if you have just chosen better if you [TS]

  had done more research if you had like [TS]

  if you were a more moral person you know [TS]

  that's the whole iphone a mac microsoft [TS]

  thing is that the two sides argued get [TS]

  argue with each other and there's always [TS]

  this tension like you're an immoral [TS]

  person for having chosen the wrong [TS]

  operating system or the wrong you know [TS]

  the wrong corporate Overlord and so so [TS]

  there's always this tinge of suggestion [TS]

  of culpability in the fact that i'm [TS]

  standing somewhere and my a mapping [TS]

  program is lying to me and then i get a [TS]

  text from somebody saying where are you [TS]

  the buildings on fire and then the phone [TS]

  dies and I'm and then all of a sudden [TS]

  I'm just like covered in I'm uncovered [TS]

  in ectoplasm [TS]

  I mean I've been slimed basically by the [TS]

  by Microsoft or by a Macintosh and you [TS]

  know and humiliated and furious and whom [TS]

  i'm at there's no one to direct the [TS]

  anger and that little doubt of of choice [TS]

  that's in their causes me to be mad at [TS]

  myself and I don't know how I don't know [TS]

  how that is the other day I was downtown [TS]

  i'm with the time with my baby i'm [TS]

  supposed to meet my baby's mama I'm then [TS]

  supposed to meet I'm been supposed to [TS]

  pick up my mom who is having some dental [TS]

  surgery and my phone dies and my phone [TS]

  does not because I failed to charge it [TS]

  I my phone dies because it is a piece of [TS]

  garbage can [TS]

  what information did it go did it crash [TS]

  to go all the way down and you can't get [TS]

  it back up [TS]

  can't get back up so you got that thing [TS]

  where my wife has this if my wife at [TS]

  some point between thirty and sixty [TS]

  percent stops working [TS]

  yeah just just goes just that's just the [TS]

  thing it does i can't--it's up and it [TS]

  and it always happens when it's like [TS]

  okay it's 5pm and i'm downtown seattle [TS]

  on a friday afternoon every single [TS]

  worker bee in the hive is trying to get [TS]

  out [TS]

  of the city at this exact same moment so [TS]

  there's no you there's no loading zones [TS]

  there's no place to pull over just to [TS]

  even collect your thoughts because the [TS]

  whole big ant hill is disgorging yeah [TS]

  the city requires all of your attention [TS]

  it can talk with 100-percent attention [TS]

  and my child is in the backseat doing [TS]

  her thing where she lists every word [TS]

  ever spoken by man at the top of her [TS]

  voice in a kind of incantation that will [TS]

  raise the Pharaohs and I'm saying to her [TS]

  darling right now daddy needs just a [TS]

  little bit of quiet just a moment of [TS]

  quiet now now now and her responses now [TS]

  yeah [TS]

  quiet you want me to stop talking you [TS]

  want talking to stop you know and i'm [TS]

  like ahh and then the phone goes from ya [TS]

  thirty percent battery power which I [TS]

  mean I've only been out in the town a [TS]

  couple of hours where it had a hundred [TS]

  percent before so it's already and it is [TS]

  that's a 3d sportswear that's a 33 times [TS]

  a week thing for my wife with a [TS]

  two-year-old phone [TS]

  yeah yeah there you go on my phone is [TS]

  just about that same age I like 4s [TS]

  its a 50 and and this is the thing about [TS]

  the choice like I was rocking a 3s and [TS]

  the 3s was rocking but it no longer [TS]

  could handle any of the new apps right [TS]

  and so I had to upgrade and so I waited [TS]

  for the five and I and I and I spent a [TS]

  whole summer with the three kind of like [TS]

  shaking shimmering almost not working [TS]

  and i was like i can wait I can wait [TS]

  until the five comes out i can wait I [TS]

  can wait and the five came out and the [TS]

  first thing they did was they fucked me [TS]

  with the with the i had to buy all new [TS]

  cables and then the second thing was [TS]

  it's a piece of shit and and I felt like [TS]

  and then also all my friends that are [TS]

  better than still have 4 s's are like [TS]

  mine still works fine I'm like oh my god [TS]

  i may I made the wrong choice it's my [TS]

  fault somehow right [TS]

  anyway i'm downtown and it's like now [TS]

  I'm I'm dead in the water [TS]

  I'm paralyzed I don't even know these [TS]

  people's actual phone numbers because i [TS]

  have become I because the thing is such [TS]

  a crunch now I used to carry a little [TS]

  laminated card with all of my people's [TS]

  phone numbers on because you're a Wes [TS]

  Anderson care and as time went on [TS]

  oh my god i still have all these cards [TS]

  as time went on you know i had i have a [TS]

  lot of friends right so i would make a [TS]

  double-sided card and it ended up being [TS]

  about a three by five card with [TS]

  microscopic little writing on filling up [TS]

  like sometimes three columns on both [TS]

  sides of this car let your like personal [TS]

  human information codex it's exactly [TS]

  right and it had all of the it had all [TS]

  of the key code numbers everything that [TS]

  I needed every pin number and the pin [TS]

  numbers were all disguised as like the [TS]

  second half of phone numbers that didn't [TS]

  exist that only I could read you know [TS]

  all these like codes and keys and people [TS]

  that I knew that had six different phone [TS]

  numbers i would have all those arranged [TS]

  and subheadings and stop on that i have [TS]

  is i still have these little cards and [TS]

  they're my favorite little talismans of [TS]

  on of a dead age but now I'm standing [TS]

  there and I'm realizing i don't even [TS]

  know the phone number of my daughter's [TS]

  mother like I couldn't tell you what it [TS]

  is and as the camera zooms straight up [TS]

  and I'll turn to the heavens and go god [TS]

  dammit you know I'm like I'm I'm stuck [TS]

  I'm in my own city surrounded by my own [TS]

  people and i have no ability to this [TS]

  thing dies and I'm just like that's like [TS]

  my battery died it's also for you it [TS]

  seems like it's like morally like [TS]

  antithetical like as a man who would [TS]

  like to have all knowledge available [TS]

  after the apocalypse to be able to [TS]

  recreate society must be going to know [TS]

  that like there's one little battery [TS]

  blip between you and all the world's [TS]

  information and you can't do anything [TS]

  about it [TS]

  well it keeps me ever vigilant and so [TS]

  what happened in this situation was the [TS]

  backup plan was initiated and in our [TS]

  family we have several backups that [TS]

  plans [TS]

  the first one being in that that's [TS]

  that's where this is going to make you [TS]

  laugh but in the event of a catastrophic [TS]

  emergency everyone in my family knows to [TS]

  convene at a certain spot plz drill them [TS]

  on occasion we are all drills and so and [TS]

  that spot that spot is our secret spot [TS]

  which is also somewhat fortified against [TS]

  intrusion i think you said enough and [TS]

  everyone knows it and the end and the [TS]

  idea the idea being like in the event of [TS]

  a like a true a massive earthquake or [TS]

  massive electromagnetic pulses some kind [TS]

  of EMP it's going to take actually going [TS]

  to take me the longest to get to this [TS]

  place it is closest to the people that [TS]

  will have the hardest time getting there [TS]

  but we've like we have stopped it and so [TS]

  forth and the Assumption being that it's [TS]

  going to take me the longest to get [TS]

  there but I'm the one that's most [TS]

  capable of journeying in a [TS]

  post-apocalyptic landscape [TS]

  [Music] [TS]

  and presumably as I am journeying in the [TS]

  post-apocalyptic landscape i will also [TS]

  be gathering other material so I'm [TS]

  statue in the town i'm like I'm supposed [TS]

  to get my mom from the doctor [TS]

  I don't know how in need she is [TS]

  i'm supposed to meet the baby's mother [TS]

  and handed the baby off all these things [TS]

  are supposed to happen and then I'll [TS]

  everybody else in the in the story has [TS]

  to then go to another event like this [TS]

  all has to happen in it within a [TS]

  compressed timeframe and I just said I'm [TS]

  going to do I'm going to the bunker [TS]

  I'm going to the mattresses and i turned [TS]

  the car around and I went to the UH i [TS]

  went to the rendezvous point and i SAT [TS]

  there and I was like this is all i can [TS]

  think of to do like my phone battery has [TS]

  died and i've gone to the apocalypse Ron [TS]

  available because it up with all you do [TS]

  what else can I do you don't have you [TS]

  don't have a bat-signal if you don't [TS]

  have like a pneumatic tube every other [TS]

  option is wrong and so I SAT there and [TS]

  of course Chris the baby is like what [TS]

  are we doing well after we hear what his [TS]

  mama and I'm like I just I you know what [TS]

  I still need to be quiet [TS]

  not that does because daddy needs his [TS]

  attention anymore but because daddy [TS]

  really doesn't daddy doesn't know what's [TS]

  happening now is covered in confusion [TS]

  but because his one little fucking [TS]

  stupid brick is dead and you know and [TS]

  the babies just like well I could play [TS]

  with dolls and that's you know that's [TS]

  all the technology that she needs and so [TS]

  we're sitting there just like dummies [TS]

  I mean I'm just sitting there like a [TS]

  dummy and then one by one all the clan [TS]

  arrives and they need they knew they [TS]

  were drilled and they walked in what one [TS]

  after another [TS]

  not mad just like Oh [TS]

  I figured you'd be here this is the like [TS]

  something must have happened and I was [TS]

  like yeah my phone died and they were [TS]

  like oh right and everybody understood [TS]

  immediately that that was something I [TS]

  was powerless about and be in the in the [TS]

  event that happens it you know you might [TS]

  as well just have like it really isn't [TS]

  apocalypse and so that my mom came the [TS]

  baby was collected the project continued [TS]

  and you know i gotta walk back out into [TS]

  the daylight like well I guess I'm what [TS]

  can i do now i guess i have to go home [TS]

  and look at my phone there's no other [TS]

  like I could I guess I could go like [TS]

  window shopping in the town and I guess [TS]

  I could go walk down the street twirling [TS]

  my cane and looking at flower [TS]

  arrangements but if i have anything else [TS]

  to do if i have any other appointment or [TS]

  anybody else to talk to you today I've [TS]

  got and the problem is you know at the [TS]

  at our rendezvous point there is no [TS]

  iphone 5 charger [TS]

  oh I bought five of them and there's one [TS]

  of my house and there's one in the car [TS]

  and there's one at the baby mamas house [TS]

  and there's one at the barber daughters [TS]

  the iphone five charges everywhere but [TS]

  there's not one at the bunker that's [TS]

  really disquieting yeah i-i-i eat my [TS]

  here at my house of course i have all [TS]

  the Boy Scout manuals and all of the all [TS]

  of the like introduction to electronics [TS]

  reference guides that will allow me to [TS]

  recreate civilization [TS]

  yeah but and so and so the reality is i [TS]

  cannot i cannot store things that matter [TS]

  on my phone I have to I have to go back [TS]

  and start making it your credit card I [TS]

  think you're really describing that kind [TS]

  of desolate existential feeling is is a [TS]

  pretty good depiction of what a lot of [TS]

  users feel like right now because the [TS]

  thing is you know you and I both know [TS]

  there is a reason for everything there's [TS]

  a solution for everything [TS]

  so you might get a whole bunch of email [TS]

  after this from people going oh you can [TS]

  get a little adapter for your old [TS]

  charger you could always just you know [TS]

  update your laminated card you can do [TS]

  this you can do that you that but that's [TS]

  not the point the point is that and and [TS]

  this is I think where it gets tricky is [TS]

  it if if you are a person like me and I [TS]

  think yeah obviously to an extent like [TS]

  you you have agreed to use that device [TS]

  in exactly the way this company has [TS]

  begged you to use it right you are not [TS]

  doing anything [TS]

  unconventional you are doing something [TS]

  extremely conventional which is they [TS]

  would like you to use that as the center [TS]

  of your digital world which is [TS]

  increasingly your world so that you did [TS]

  exactly what you're supposed to do [TS]

  that's the troubling part is that [TS]

  there's nothing I have done to my phone [TS]

  the reason nothing I even if I wanted to [TS]

  I don't even know how to jailbreak my [TS]

  phone I could figure it out but the [TS]

  point is I i bought this phone whatever [TS]

  last summer fall whenever the 55 s came [TS]

  out and its it crashed three times a [TS]

  week [TS]

  it's not is it pink did you get it no [TS]

  that's the c-4 color sorry i got the [TS]

  fancy one because gold did you get the [TS]

  gold one I did not I i got the least i [TS]

  don't know i think it's kind of a thing [TS]

  in the and apple nerd world to have like [TS]

  the the most low-key thing you can with [TS]

  no case that's what I have a low-key [TS]

  phone with no case but but anyway I [TS]

  think what's with the bummer about what [TS]

  you're describing is like anybody out [TS]

  there it's like you know I remember when [TS]

  our neighbors our next door neighbors [TS]

  got burglarized burglarized corrupt [TS]

  world when i was there and i was when i [TS]

  was maybe 14 and I remember having this [TS]

  very strong feeling this impulse that [TS]

  everybody else on the block at which we [TS]

  stood outside while the police were [TS]

  there will whisper to each other about [TS]

  what they had done wrong [TS]

  oh wow don't you think I'm going left [TS]

  the window [TS]

  yeah they really should have had they [TS]

  should have the porch light on they [TS]

  should've gotten better Windows you know [TS]

  that it and you come up with the [TS]

  whistling past the graveyard for all [TS]

  these reasons why somebody else it's [TS]

  like you know Shirley Jackson's the [TS]

  lottery like why that person get picked [TS]

  when I got picked as that's that's how [TS]

  the lottery works [TS]

  that's right and [TS]

  and you come up with all these reasons [TS]

  so anybody out there is listening to [TS]

  this could be very unsympathetic because [TS]

  their thing works today but the thing is [TS]

  that the part about it that I I feel [TS]

  thank you [TS]

  I understand I understand that there are [TS]

  way I know I could probably take it to [TS]

  the apple genius and have them give me a [TS]

  new phone and there's only one is apple [TS]

  genius is going to tell me that one time [TS]

  I had the phone in the bathroom with me [TS]

  while i was showering and the chili [TS]

  chili sensor went off [TS]

  that's right the amount of water that [TS]

  somehow got in there is enough to but [TS]

  you know what i mean in other words it's [TS]

  that we sound crazy when want one sounds [TS]

  crazy in this situation because you're [TS]

  contaminating all these different [TS]

  frustrations that all have a perfectly [TS]

  valid reason for being the way that they [TS]

  are you know physics is complicated [TS]

  engineering is hard i understand all [TS]

  these things it's just that i finally [TS]

  finally got to a point where I was ok [TS]

  entrusting things like in this case what [TS]

  you get your calendar [TS]

  you got your communication device you [TS]

  know all the ways we communicate with [TS]

  other people on the go [TS]

  I have entrusted to that thing and when [TS]

  it does what happened with you we do [TS]

  this do the troll ends up yelling at us [TS]

  like what what did we do wrong in that [TS]

  case [TS]

  well in particular when you know the [TS]

  Seattle is a microsoft town and so there [TS]

  are a lot of people walking around now [TS]

  with these these phones that are the [TS]

  size of a of like a terabyte of look [TS]

  like hard drive if you see phones i [TS]

  think if you see phones or phablets as [TS]

  we like to come if you see giant ass [TS]

  phones that look like something a [TS]

  cocktail waitress would use it's [TS]

  probably a samsung running Android yeah [TS]

  right it looks like something that you [TS]

  would be handed at a museum to walk [TS]

  around and get a guided tour of the art [TS]

  or the paddleboat it's the size of a [TS]

  vintage distortion box samsung big muff [TS]

  yeah exactly it's the super funds [TS]

  samsung and it uh it you know it glows [TS]

  with this like almost television like [TS]

  glow [TS]

  yeah and so people are manipulating [TS]

  these things in public places and it's [TS]

  this giant like wow it's very impressive [TS]

  just to see kind of out of the corner of [TS]

  your on it is it does feel like the [TS]

  future I'd like to thank the lady at the [TS]

  muppet movie history for illuminating [TS]

  the entire fucking theater while she [TS]

  looked at her facebook for the first 20 [TS]

  minutes in the movie uh I just want you [TS]

  know that those are so much rightness [TS]

  John I want to carry around a completely [TS]

  operable fire hose with like a giant [TS]

  fire truck outside full of water when I [TS]

  could just like shit somebody like me [TS]

  like that with just a just like a riot [TS]

  control level of fire you think fire [TS]

  engine stops working at thirty percent [TS]

  power LOL no sirens going to talk about [TS]

  the fire [TS]

  sorry about the fire it but we have to [TS]

  fix in the next month or so you know [TS]

  what I mean that 777 flew all the way [TS]

  down into the Indian Ocean because it [TS]

  still had some gas i'm going to have [TS]

  been kind of avoiding that but I do one [TS]

  fact about everybody on the plane was [TS]

  probably dead for hours but the plane [TS]

  keeps flying probably put a little bit [TS]

  of sriracha on this rice my wife and I [TS]

  employ we have for a long time you know [TS]

  when you got a person you got a kid you [TS]

  got stuff really like to know where each [TS]

  other are it's it's it's kinda creepy [TS]

  but kind of cool and there's an apple as [TS]

  an app on the iphone you can use where [TS]

  you can allow people to see your [TS]

  location and you can allow them to see [TS]

  yours in theory it works really well so [TS]

  you don't have to constantly how's it [TS]

  going are you almost home right you can [TS]

  see I can watch my wife on the bus like [TS]

  you know going through the mission i can [TS]

  see and so that's great and we have [TS]

  consented to do that and you know we [TS]

  kind of both said to each other hey if [TS]

  you ever just want to disappear that's [TS]

  fine but at the same time knowing what [TS]

  happens with my wife's phone I I don't [TS]

  compulsive about it but i'll go like oh [TS]

  she's still in her after her exercise [TS]

  class could i get home and do the dishes [TS]

  before she gets her or whatever and and [TS]

  the thing is though what happens with [TS]

  your phone dies in that case when her [TS]

  phone dies she's no longer seeable one [TS]

  ok so that's important now I've relied [TS]

  on this as a way to know where my wife [TS]

  is [TS]

  maybe bad on me because I'm a dummy the [TS]

  point is that think about the cascade of [TS]

  events when that happens my wife was [TS]

  running home through the mission and [TS]

  suddenly her location is not available [TS]

  now I know I know that's probably [TS]

  because her phone sucks [TS]

  oh no this is the beginning of a Liam [TS]

  Neeson milk [TS]

  movie this is the taken that right i [TS]

  think that is that a good movie [TS]

  no I got I've never seen it but I can't [TS]

  imagine it's good that he has to be [TS]

  terrible but you know if you're like me [TS]

  you always assume the worst conceivable [TS]

  thing has always happened [TS]

  absolutely some always a sandal man has [TS]

  pulled up right that she's already [TS]

  probably like making phones in in China [TS]

  has been bundled off she's crossing [TS]

  she's crossing in the Tijuana in a [TS]

  50-gallon drum she's gonna she's gonna [TS]

  play in a mariachi band for a drug lord [TS]

  and but you know you got any way not to [TS]

  belabor it but I mean you start to rely [TS]

  on that just kind of go clip and if you [TS]

  see like oh you know this person has [TS]

  moved in a while or whatever in this [TS]

  case now I also because her phone died i [TS]

  have no way to contact her so that [TS]

  anxiety multiplies for me and I maybe [TS]

  that's silly you know that's not me of [TS]

  course she gets home you know 45 minutes [TS]

  later on my phone died [TS]

  no I don't think it is dumb and I did [TS]

  you know without getting too [TS]

  conspiratorial the fact that we are now [TS]

  like living in a state of well in a [TS]

  state of constant anxiety is not bad for [TS]

  our corporate overlords right and then [TS]

  this is the this is the moment where we [TS]

  veer off into the social your legs [TS]

  you're drinking emotional saltwater that [TS]

  like every other figures the oh yeah I [TS]

  can understand why you're upset here's [TS]

  the fix for that [TS]

  Yeah right right and that's the and [TS]

  that's that that's the tech response but [TS]

  the tech response is always yeah it's [TS]

  always like oh by a nap or by a by an [TS]

  additional battery pack or by a adapter [TS]

  or wait six months and will mostly kind [TS]

  of fix this problem but but in fact i am [TS]

  now I have a as a fully grown adult I [TS]

  now him tethered to a thing and this was [TS]

  this was my complaint when I wouldn't [TS]

  know when the Walkman first came out in [TS]

  1980 and I am I know you remember this [TS]

  moment you the Walkman arrived on the [TS]

  scene and at first it was inconceivable [TS]

  that that of that much technology the [TS]

  entire technology of a stereo system had [TS]

  been reduced to the size of a paperback [TS]

  book [TS]

  difference for what you were coming like [TS]

  custom like what you would think you [TS]

  would pay for a crappy stereo you could [TS]

  now have on your belt you can wear it on [TS]

  your goddamn belt [TS]

  listen to anything you want anytime you [TS]

  want any time you wanted and all around [TS]

  the city of Anchorage all the like all [TS]

  the cool kids had Walkmans instantly and [TS]

  I remember like being just in all of [TS]

  this new capability and everyone was I [TS]

  mean the entire world was just like you [TS]

  mean I can just walk around listening to [TS]

  my tapes and so I couldn't afford a [TS]

  Walkman because it was a hundred bucks [TS]

  or something which was a lot of money [TS]

  even though it wasn't that much money [TS]

  you know it was and I don't even think [TS]

  it was a hundred bucks but it whatever [TS]

  amount it was it was more than I was [TS]

  prepared to spend it is what it is [TS]

  definitely out of my reach [TS]

  but I was at a i was actually at the [TS]

  arcade playing elevator action one [TS]

  afternoon I guess this is probably a pre [TS]

  elevator action but i was at the [TS]

  videogame arcade and I walked past a [TS]

  store and they had a knockoff Walkman [TS]

  for sale that act that included in [TS]

  addition to a tape machine an am/fm [TS]

  radio which really appealed to me [TS]

  because of course you could be listening [TS]

  to you could be it in the event of an [TS]

  emergency you could you can tune to the [TS]

  to the emergency Channel and and so and [TS]

  you know if you get tired of your tapes [TS]

  or whatever you can listen to the f MK [TS]

  well 17.7 WHL okay well [TS]

  and so I and that anything was it was [TS]

  like it was fifteen or twenty dollars [TS]

  new in the window of this place with and [TS]

  for whatever reason at that point I had [TS]

  that much money in my little velcro [TS]

  wallet and I walked into this place in [TS]

  that I was so astonished as I hand the [TS]

  money over and they handed me this new [TS]

  product that I i was making this adult [TS]

  transaction I was buying into the future [TS]

  right now that this technology was so [TS]

  transformative and it had already gone [TS]

  through the Maslow's seven stages of [TS]

  technology and it was now but there was [TS]

  a cheaper knockoff that was better [TS]

  it was happening so fast i bought this [TS]

  thing and I you know I I didn't have a [TS]

  tape with me but I had the radio and i [TS]

  put it I look I clipped it on my belt [TS]

  like you were supposed to do but the [TS]

  headphones on i'm walking down the [TS]

  street listening to the radio and it's [TS]

  like my black-and-white world went into [TS]

  Technicolor yeah I'm listening to music [TS]

  as i'm walking down the street [TS]

  hello are you ready for the future [TS]

  hands-free you're not holding a radio [TS]

  i'm not i'm just walking like arm [TS]

  swinging and I'm listening to a Uriah [TS]

  Heep and it's and and I had never had my [TS]

  own life soundtrack before and now I'm [TS]

  realizing that I am living a dramatic [TS]

  life to like my my progress walking down [TS]

  fireweed boulevard in Anchorage is now [TS]

  cinematic because as I jump off the you [TS]

  know as I jump off this but the sidewalk [TS]

  into the street into the muddy Street I [TS]

  have a big guitar part to emphasize it [TS]

  and I was so thrilled and for a week or [TS]

  whatever I walked around with this thing [TS]

  just like it never got old it was [TS]

  tremendous and then the batteries died [TS]

  and I was like whatever it costs and [TS]

  went to the grocery store and I realized [TS]

  what batteries cost which at the time [TS]

  was just as they are now pretty [TS]

  exhibited relative to the cost of the [TS]

  device itself and if you're if you're [TS]

  using that thing and fast forwarding and [TS]

  rewinding you should really go through [TS]

  well that's the thing so i started using [TS]

  tapes instead of once i got home i [TS]

  started using tips instead of instead of [TS]

  a listen to the radio and i think i've [TS]

  run out of batteries and replace them [TS]

  with some batteries we had in the house [TS]

  and had run through those batteries and [TS]

  now I was responsible for buying my own [TS]

  batteries to put into the Machine and [TS]

  when I saw the price of batteries and I [TS]

  reflected on how quickly i had run [TS]

  through two sets of batteries [TS]

  I realized oh my god this technology is [TS]

  so this is basically just a battery [TS]

  using device the reason to put reason [TS]

  that this thing was $14 twenties like [TS]

  it's a cipher yeah this was this is a [TS]

  loss leader for battery companies and [TS]

  I'm sure that whatever the company is [TS]

  that made this machine for so cheap that [TS]

  it's just a front company for ever ready [TS]

  I don't know if they still make every [TS]

  batteries but as look at all right a [TS]

  little black cat like the cat but uh but [TS]

  i think i might have I might have that [TS]

  in that moment still been so in raptured [TS]

  by this technology that I was like I [TS]

  will buy these but i will buy five [TS]

  dollars with the batteries for my $15 [TS]

  tape machine and by the time those [TS]

  batteries ran out again I the the [TS]

  feeling of betrayal or the feeling of [TS]

  having been roped in to a kind of thing [TS]

  where they are giving me this wonderful [TS]

  experience and all i need to do is is [TS]

  just start directing [TS]

  a constant stream of my resources to [TS]

  ward them and they will just pirate my [TS]

  resources and in return they will give [TS]

  me this this like drug-like [TS]

  transformation that I can have music [TS]

  with me all the time and realizing that [TS]

  realizing that that was the that was the [TS]

  transaction and that if I if I mentally [TS]

  acquiesced to this that I was I had [TS]

  basically handcuffed myself to you know [TS]

  not just to the device but to the whole [TS]

  support system and I would never be free [TS]

  and i put my Walkman on the shelf [TS]

  I put my dead battery walking on the [TS]

  shelf and I was like I can live without [TS]

  that I can live without it because i [TS]

  can't because it is to the degree to [TS]

  which I am like mourning the loss of us [TS]

  a constant soundtrack i cannot sell my [TS]

  soul that cheaply and I feel that I have [TS]

  felt that way about every new technology [TS]

  just as just as I and it took me many [TS]

  years to retro actively connect my [TS]

  experience as a drug user to that [TS]

  experience of just like yes the drug [TS]

  does this amazing thing but you are hand [TS]

  cutting yourself to it and to the unit [TS]

  to the that whole complex relationship [TS]

  of like these are my resources i am [TS]

  giving away in order to have this and [TS]

  the and the trade is never worth it but [TS]

  now at 45 years old they finally got me [TS]

  with this goddamn phone and I am [TS]

  100-percent tied now to this to this [TS]

  machine and all the support network and [TS]

  all of that you know in the end the [TS]

  promise I remember sitting in your [TS]

  kitchen and you describing for me that [TS]

  right over the horizon there was gonna [TS]

  be a time when your phone and your [TS]

  computer or synced & that if you end [TS]

  their calendar on your computer and your [TS]

  photographs and all the things that were [TS]

  on your computer were also going to be [TS]

  on your phone and they would talk to [TS]

  each other and I was like what you know [TS]

  this is back when phones had two sides [TS]

  and even in that particular dream would [TS]

  involve like lots of cables and [TS]

  third-party software but still you could [TS]

  even conceptually take the world of your [TS]

  desk and and bring it with you when you [TS]

  go somewhere like on a trip was [TS]

  completely mind-boggling [TS]

  yeah and you were you were describing [TS]

  and you were like this is this is not a [TS]

  fantasy [TS]

  this is happening and I was just like [TS]

  and i think i spent a year or two then [TS]

  like I'm not going to upgrade my phone [TS]

  i'm going to wait until the phone comes [TS]

  out that can talk to my computer but [TS]

  with every step of this you know this [TS]

  tying together of things it's just like [TS]

  well now i need to upgrade my other [TS]

  thing and now i need to buy the other [TS]

  upgrade and now i'm just like the [TS]

  octopus of of the octopus of like half [TS]

  agreed to up end user agreements who you [TS]

  know unread and user agreements is just [TS]

  is just slowly it's like that it's just [TS]

  like it's like a creeping vine that is [TS]

  slowly squeezing the life out of me [TS]

  it was only a few hundred dollars to get [TS]

  started a kid cervix so right it's all a [TS]

  loss leader and I feel like now it's not [TS]

  the battery companies it's a loss leader [TS]

  for the Illuminati haha ah man I had a I [TS]

  used to try and read the agreements [TS]

  no well you know there's a time when [TS]

  they were little more you know modest [TS]

  and coming up and a booklet you can flip [TS]

  through into the headings on my little [TS]

  love set-top box of a set-top box called [TS]

  a roku which is like an apple TV and [TS]

  there was some kind of an update in the [TS]

  software and I&I it's like you know it's [TS]

  going to change in the terms you read [TS]

  this and click to agree and of course [TS]

  they conveniently have a i have read and [TS]

  great deal is right there yeah yeah but [TS]

  then I noticed it was the weather was on [TS]

  screen was page screen one of I think [TS]

  was a hundred and six I would have had [TS]

  to read 106 screens to read the entire [TS]

  agreement let me just ah I got my [TS]

  redline version here to question what [TS]

  force medjool before I agree to live a [TS]

  lot of the target somebody from tech [TS]

  support [TS]

  what if you had a chance to look at my [TS]

  corrections oh no no no no really it [TS]

  it's like it's like our are you ready to [TS]

  put your hand into machine yes or no [TS]

  that's exactly right are you ready to [TS]

  put your hand into the stump and if you [TS]

  put your hand in and pull it back out [TS]

  and cover with the data and if you have [TS]

  not if it's things you then then I guess [TS]

  you die and then yeah then your that you [TS]

  don't you don't join the clan of the [TS]

  Birdman [TS]

  Merlin what can I say no I know I know [TS]

  and you know that here's the thing is if [TS]

  it were like let's say for example this [TS]

  will not be a huge amount to you because [TS]

  you weren't into this stuff then but [TS]

  feel that this one 1999 in 1999 there [TS]

  were all these layers of hacks that [TS]

  enabled certain interesting things to [TS]

  happen like in 1999 you could have a [TS]

  modem at your house that would let you [TS]

  use your telephone system to get on the [TS]

  internet which is pretty hockey but it [TS]

  worked I mean think about it I mean [TS]

  that's a pretty unconventional thing to [TS]

  do in a home the kind of thing where 10 [TS]

  years earlier you would have sounded [TS]

  like the weirdest person in the world to [TS]

  say no i'm sorry i can't take calls for [TS]

  hours a day because i'm using this [TS]

  device to have a computer connect to a [TS]

  network with us so strange she would [TS]

  somebody would seem like a guy that had [TS]

  a us a dandy sweatshirt and so but that [TS]

  was a hack and that worked i think about [TS]

  stuff like the mp3 devices you know for [TS]

  listening like to mp3's and it was a [TS]

  pretty great thing that you know you [TS]

  could have together this system for [TS]

  getting your cds into mp3's and if [TS]

  you're a little more gray hat you can go [TS]

  get them for free off of the internet [TS]

  and you can connect this wire up and he [TS]

  had this extra software you be able to [TS]

  connect into this but it was really like [TS]

  a series of hacks so I really felt like [TS]

  all on when that all worked and you can [TS]

  even take that a few years forward to [TS]

  the early days of like PDA sinking where [TS]

  you know anytime I wanted to sing my [TS]

  palm pilot with my Mac put in the cradle [TS]

  you had to do this there's all kinds of [TS]

  stuff as you know over the years even as [TS]

  a recent mac user you know that his [TS]

  computer users constant stuff we gotta [TS]

  go I probably go delete this violence [TS]

  try it again that kind of thing happens [TS]

  and you live with that right because you [TS]

  like okay this is something where like [TS]

  this really kind of feels this is a [TS]

  little magical but I'm able to do this [TS]

  i'll put up with them some stuff to do [TS]

  it and so anyway we're trying to get is [TS]

  that the irony is that like back then [TS]

  when stuff didn't work right or you [TS]

  ended up with five copies of the same [TS]

  contact you kind of write it down to the [TS]

  happiness of it and saying like well you [TS]

  know this this they really developed [TS]

  this system for windows first and [TS]

  there's this wackadoodle third-party [TS]

  software they put together so it even [TS]

  works at all on a mac so I should just [TS]

  be grateful [TS]

  yeah it's still bicycle [TS]

  Howard yeah and I i really don't i'm not [TS]

  i don't mean this as like a huge [TS]

  indictment but it is a statement of fact [TS]

  that I think lines up with what you're [TS]

  saying which is it is weird that we've [TS]

  gotten to a point where we've gotten ok [TS]

  with pouring really well I know like [TS]

  compared to a Walkman it's pretty [TS]

  amazing what you can do with an iphone [TS]

  but still they're not cheap to go out [TS]

  and buy these devices it's not cheap to [TS]

  buy apps for them in my case it has not [TS]

  been cheap to go to go cock deep in the [TS]

  act Apple ecosystem for things like I've [TS]

  bought over a hundred movies on itunes [TS]

  and I couldn't watch on those devices [TS]

  isn't it well yeah I can also download [TS]

  and do magic with them that's a little [TS]

  bit grey hat but you know the point is I [TS]

  i have gotten into that because it is [TS]

  trying to say is it used to be that you [TS]

  had to be a hobbyist in order to make [TS]

  any of that stuff works the same way [TS]

  that if you wanted a nice high five and [TS]

  the fifties you have to be willing to go [TS]

  get a kit and put it together right you [TS]

  wanted to have a home computer [TS]

  quote-unquote in the seventies for a [TS]

  long time you would have to go as a [TS]

  hobbyist and go make that thing yourself [TS]

  and so you learned a lot about it maybe [TS]

  you're not like an IBM engineer but you [TS]

  could put it together you know i bet [TS]

  your mom could have put together a [TS]

  computer pretty good in there in the [TS]

  early to mid seventies for you but you [TS]

  know the but i'm getting to the obvious [TS]

  irony here which is that there's one [TS]

  company is putting all of that that's [TS]

  organizing all of that and integrating [TS]

  all that force and for for the last for [TS]

  like for like five or six years it [TS]

  really felt like man what a solid [TS]

  amazing device this is I mean they [TS]

  really hit it out of the park that but [TS]

  the battery life is so long [TS]

  it looks so much better than all the [TS]

  other things it really is the iphone is [TS]

  the industry leader in in half a dozen [TS]

  ways with these kinds of devices and and [TS]

  what made it great [TS]

  I've not to go to tech here but what [TS]

  made it great was the total integration [TS]

  it was apple software running on Apple's [TS]

  firmware on Apple's hardware with apples [TS]

  manufacturing and QA QC and it was just [TS]

  the fact that we were able to hand over [TS]

  that money and Trust to them give my [TS]

  keys get me the tracksuit and i will cut [TS]

  my penis off and go with Apple behind [TS]

  the hell Bob comet i am a member [TS]

  yeah right i think that day I mean you [TS]

  know I know you've-you've sometimes [TS]

  like a lot of people struggle with [TS]

  devices but i have to say that up until [TS]

  a couple years ago [TS]

  it all felt pretty solid and around the [TS]

  time that they introduced I don't know [TS]

  if you do or did this but around the [TS]

  time they and whenever they introduced [TS]

  Wi-Fi sinking 20 and iOS devices to [TS]

  where you could have syncing between [TS]

  your computer and your iphone without [TS]

  having to hook it up that I think that [TS]

  felt like the singularity at that point [TS]

  I really felt like we had gotten to a [TS]

  point of magic you can update apps and [TS]

  you know I always so I know it all comes [TS]

  at different times but it's just really [TS]

  maybe it's maybe it's me because that's [TS]

  the well stroll the well stroll says [TS]

  maybe it's me but now today I have so [TS]

  much less confidence in a basic thing [TS]

  the most basic thing which is that when [TS]

  i turn this on [TS]

  i'm going to quickly be able to do a [TS]

  thing that used to seem kind of simple [TS]

  and I just feel like my confidence in [TS]

  picking that thing up and knowing that [TS]

  everything is going to go okay has [TS]

  dropped probably thirty percent in the [TS]

  last two years and I you know again she [TS]

  can come up with a reason for why every [TS]

  single thing including pilot error [TS]

  behind the keyboard whatever you want to [TS]

  call it but all I know is that like at [TS]

  least 25 or more percent of my [TS]

  confidence level has dropped as my [TS]

  appletv can't get to itunes because it's [TS]

  quote currently unavailable [TS]

  where I suddenly let me know my wife's [TS]

  phone dies at thirty percent power I [TS]

  know there's a reason for all of those [TS]

  but I maybe it's just because i use it [TS]

  more that I notice it now but I that [TS]

  confidence is not where it used to be [TS]

  and with there was a time when I could [TS]

  have said well maybe this didn't work [TS]

  because of my apple computer maybe it [TS]

  didn't work because of my Hayes modem [TS]

  maybe it didn't work because of this [TS]

  really cheap cord that I got to go [TS]

  between them [TS]

  maybe it's because my local service [TS]

  provider for the internet is is oversold [TS]

  and is dropping connections because the [TS]

  quality is not good who knows why but I [TS]

  could find half a dozen reasons why it [TS]

  just didn't work and now today it's hard [TS]

  not to kind of point a finger a little [TS]

  bit and say you guys this is all stuff [TS]

  that you have chosen to take control of [TS]

  and give me no way of getting my hands [TS]

  around right [TS]

  I can't go see what's inside the apps i [TS]

  can go debug what's going on with this I [TS]

  could look at this console log and try [TS]

  to figure out what all this stuff means [TS]

  you can you tell what currently [TS]

  unavailable me [TS]

  you know you can available means to me a [TS]

  guy who went to college and his has [TS]

  worked on computers love full time since [TS]

  1989 for me that means i turn off two [TS]

  power strips count to ten sing the [TS]

  bridge from september's girls by big [TS]

  star and then I turn it back on right [TS]

  and then eighty-five percent of the time [TS]

  it works [TS]

  yep well i for for me the like for [TS]

  instance i was thinking about this the [TS]

  other day i have been using my calendar [TS]

  as a diary for a while for as long as [TS]

  I've had a iphone calendar and and and [TS]

  before that i went into my calendar in [TS]

  my computer even as long ago as 10 years [TS]

  ago and went back and kind of retro [TS]

  actively had scroll back through the [TS]

  years and retro actively put in all the [TS]

  kind of important dates of my life that [TS]

  I wanted to remember the date going back [TS]

  to the seventies invest in the in my mac [TS]

  calendar and I didn't quite understand [TS]

  how to use the different colors of like [TS]

  well this is a work thing and this is a [TS]

  poem thing so a lot of the old stuff [TS]

  that I put in there like that that the [TS]

  day I lost my front tooth for the first [TS]

  time mark 17 1970s my front seat for the [TS]

  first the day you know the day that [TS]

  Kelly started going out with David [TS]

  breast and ruined my teenage life she [TS]

  took a chunk out each on she really did [TS]

  you know I put all those dates into my [TS]

  calendar because I because my whole life [TS]

  I've I've been kept you know like 1980 [TS]

  is this great cut off because 1980 [TS]

  office Lee is a nice round number [TS]

  it was the year that reagan was elected [TS]

  to the presidency [TS]

  it was the year that I i graduated from [TS]

  sixth grade in the spring of nineteen [TS]

  eighty and started seventh grade in the [TS]

  fall of nineteen eighty [TS]

  so 1980 in in the cosmology of my in the [TS]

  in the in the mapping of time in my own [TS]

  mind 1980 is a corner [TS]

  I don't know if you map things I [TS]

  absolutely do a map time in your yeah [TS]

  always have but it's a corner and it's [TS]

  also kind of a rounded corner but it's a [TS]

  you know it's a very prominent little [TS]

  well up really promontory in my in the [TS]

  geography of time in my mind 1980 and so [TS]

  if I'm like well what year was not what [TS]

  get what day was the day when I but I [TS]

  started 1980 and I go right 80 81 81 82 [TS]

  7 8th grade then I started high school [TS]

  in the fall of 82 and from there I can [TS]

  count this way or that and figure out [TS]

  what the dates are anyway all that stuff [TS]

  is in my calendar and and for the last [TS]

  five years I've also been adding every [TS]

  little dumb thing i do so that if I find [TS]

  a receipt in a box and I'm like wait a [TS]

  minute when was I ever in indianapolis [TS]

  did I ever go to a sushi restaurant in [TS]

  indianapolis that violates five core [TS]

  rules never get seafood in inland state [TS]

  you know never ever get sushi [TS]

  Indianapolis never eat at Indiana how [TS]

  did I where did this receipt come from i [TS]

  go in i scroll back in my calendar and [TS]

  I'm like oh right i was with joe / nice [TS]

  and got a flat tire that day and we [TS]

  didn't actually get sushi at that place [TS]

  it was it was a sushi taco restaurant [TS]

  and we got tacos on the taco side [TS]

  forever but all of that all of that [TS]

  information the value of which vastly [TS]

  exceeds its like they it's useful value [TS]

  like it is it is emotional value to me [TS]

  it is biographical value it is i could [TS]

  probably reproduce a lot of the big [TS]

  dates but I'm never ever going to [TS]

  remember I was in Indianapolis with [TS]

  Joker nissan you know in in june of 2002 [TS]

  or what [TS]

  that is all stored now in the cloud the [TS]

  cow it's stored in the cleared and I do [TS]

  not believe in the cloud [TS]

  I do not trust the cloud I think the [TS]

  cloud is a giant fucking ripoff and the [TS]

  cloud is just is just a system by which [TS]

  these companies are are jostling with [TS]

  one another to charge us fees to charge [TS]

  us access fees to the cloud and i will [TS]

  put all of this information into my [TS]

  system they will migrate it to the cloud [TS]

  and then one day they're going to slam a [TS]

  door shut and go oh do you want that [TS]

  stuff that's in the cloud [TS]

  well you have to pay the cloud access [TS]

  fee and i'm going to say what [TS]

  no you didn't do that for me you didn't [TS]

  put that there for me i put it into my [TS]

  things i did a ton of work to organize [TS]

  my life and I never asked it to be in [TS]

  the clade you just put it there and now [TS]

  you're charging me to get it and fuck [TS]

  you forever a thousand million times [TS]

  because that information i should have [TS]

  just written down in a book and would [TS]

  have at any time up until just recently [TS]

  and-and-and would have carried that book [TS]

  with me as i did with the paper [TS]

  calendars and now i'm not you know so so [TS]

  I have it's again it's like now I am [TS]

  buying ever ready stock basically and [TS]

  I'm just hoping that the cloud survives [TS]

  because I know that it's an interim idea [TS]

  and I know that eventually there will be [TS]

  no hard drive and it will all be stored [TS]

  it will all be encoded into into like [TS]

  millennia computer or whatever like [TS]

  about what we're trying to say notnot [TS]

  phantom computers but um [TS]

  huh I got one big God computer like God [TS]

  computer like a i'm thinking of you move [TS]

  your reference taking come it's a [TS]

  quantum computers they're all just about [TS]

  the Internet of quanta yeah made of [TS]

  quanta wear it wear it where it's the [TS]

  fifth the shrowde burgers cat hm it's a [TS]

  is alive or dead and that is how my [TS]

  calendar is saved in the computer [TS]

  I wish you'd read the spec for the [TS]

  goddamn Schrodinger burgers cat can't [TS]

  count that that's alive or dead i don't [TS]

  know and i can't access my clothes [TS]

  uh he might be in there that's exactly I [TS]

  I can't even tell if he's alive I think [TS]

  he might be in the cloud I'm not sure [TS]

  he's in a clue what about photos you [TS]

  feel great about your photos on your [TS]

  phone you on the phone you lost your [TS]

  phone you know you got to get your [TS]

  photos [TS]

  well here Leslie here's what happened so [TS]

  we were on the Oregon coast around [TS]

  Christmas and I'm out there and we're [TS]

  out on the the the mudflat you know the [TS]

  Oregon coast is this fantastic place [TS]

  it's really one of the great places in [TS]

  the world and what's wonderful about it [TS]

  is that the beaches are very very flat [TS]

  and shallow so when the tide goes out [TS]

  the tide goes way out and it goes and [TS]

  then keep going [TS]

  so you can stand on the beach at the [TS]

  point where high tide is and when the [TS]

  tide is fully out you can't even see you [TS]

  can see the surf like in them bury [TS]

  system you know like the shimmering [TS]

  distance [TS]

  wow so you have this fantastic like wet [TS]

  flat sand [TS]

  flat sand [TS]

  stretching to infinity and so we're out [TS]

  on the sand and my daughter and I are [TS]

  out there walking around and we're [TS]

  looking at little crabs and spoken in [TS]

  the beginning scene where the little [TS]

  clams are purse spurting and having a [TS]

  good time but one of the other factors [TS]

  of the organ coast is when the tide is [TS]

  all the way out every hundredth wave is [TS]

  a rogue wave and if you're beaches a [TS]

  mile wide and super flat and up and an [TS]

  outsize wave comes it can travel [TS]

  hundreds of yards wow I hundreds of [TS]

  yards further than what you are assuming [TS]

  is the tide line at any given moment so [TS]

  she and I are out walking on the beach [TS]

  to poop derpa derpa derp looking and [TS]

  poking it at crabs and going like a look [TS]

  at this and she's like oh wow pvp and [TS]

  i'm filming her walking on the beach and [TS]

  all of a sudden I look up and here comes [TS]

  a 2 foot wave and I've got the camera [TS]

  pointed at her and I see this thing and [TS]

  she looks up and sees this wave and I'm [TS]

  15 feet from her at this point and i go [TS]

  one knowing that she's two-and-a-half [TS]

  cannot outrun the wave does not even [TS]

  understand it with that command from [TS]

  daddy might just run to work the wave [TS]

  and she like takes a step to the left [TS]

  takes a step to the right and the wave [TS]

  hits her and this is this is New Year's [TS]

  it's not a warm wave em and she goes as [TS]

  you can imagine like apeshit and she [TS]

  tries to step she tries to keep her feet [TS]

  and you know one second two seconds [TS]

  three seconds she's she's fighting to [TS]

  mention she's 20 and she decides to nap [TS]

  she's fighting the wave and daddy is [TS]

  like holy shit and trying to get to her [TS]

  and just as I arrived at her she goes [TS]

  down into the water and I have this [TS]

  daddy moment where I'm like I've just [TS]

  lost my daughter to Poseidon and I [TS]

  grabbed her out of the froth and she [TS]

  said it isn't the look on her face [TS]

  tremendous and she is berserk and I am [TS]

  desert with panic and of course all the [TS]

  women folk who are part of my tribe who [TS]

  had the good sense not to be anywhere [TS]

  near the intertidal zone are standing up [TS]

  on the dry sand shrieking and I'm like I [TS]

  gotcha I gotcha [TS]

  we're fine we're fine and she's like [TS]

  kicking and going crazy and I carrier up [TS]

  the beach and then the other last [TS]

  salient feature of the oregon coast is [TS]

  that there are sand dunes where we were [TS]

  staying there sand dunes that are maybe [TS]

  a quarter of a mile that we have to have [TS]

  to traverse to get back to the the town [TS]

  so I'm carrying this very wet very cold [TS]

  very angry child and I put her inside my [TS]

  coat and I'm the whole time I'm talking [TS]

  to her like it's okay you're fine that [TS]

  that's sometimes the waves this is the [TS]

  thing about the ocean the ocean is [TS]

  wonderful but sometimes the waves are [TS]

  unpredictable and daddy really failed to [TS]

  protect you from that way but it's also [TS]

  good to remember the sea cannot be [TS]

  trusted to not ever put your faith in [TS]

  the sea he learned two valuable lessons [TS]

  about a dress today I don't trust daddy [TS]

  and don't let that sit because their [TS]

  trust anything but you can trust me now [TS]

  that I'm going to get you home and into [TS]

  the bath [TS]

  well six months later I'm going through [TS]

  my photos and i realize that i was [TS]

  filming her when she was hit by that [TS]

  wave and then get intended and then I [TS]

  immediately threw my phone in the in the [TS]

  big pocket of my of my parka but it was [TS]

  still running and so there is a film of [TS]

  you know my baby walking down the beach [TS]

  me talking to her were talking about [TS]

  crabs and then [TS]

  oh shit a rogue wave baby gets hit with [TS]

  rogue wave and phone immediately goes [TS]

  dark as it goes into my pocket but then [TS]

  there's an hour and a half of audio of [TS]

  me saying it's alright don't trust the [TS]

  sea and don't trust daddy at but you [TS]

  have to trust daddy this is the paradox [TS]

  of life and really we depend on the sea [TS]

  I know you're not going to understand [TS]

  this for a while you know like dad just [TS]

  you must have had a gentleman pumping [TS]

  all-time yourself well but I'm like that [TS]

  partly i am like calming my adrenaline [TS]

  by explaining to my daughter that the [TS]

  that the world is full of rogue waves [TS]

  and you know when you hear the kind of [TS]

  corduroy of of my wet pants as I'm [TS]

  walking through the dunes work block [TS]

  floor work carrying this like and she [TS]

  and you can hear her screaming and then [TS]

  you hear calm down here listening to the [TS]

  story of the sea and what just happened [TS]

  and so forth and so I have all this i [TS]

  have this movie that's an hour and a [TS]

  half long which itunes refuses to import [TS]

  into my computer because too long and so [TS]

  I go to the editing function like the [TS]

  trim function on the on the photo app [TS]

  and I say well I can trim off the last [TS]

  now I can trim off the last hour of this [TS]

  or whatever because it's just audio [TS]

  sitting in a wet coat hanging on a peg [TS]

  well you know the well basically the [TS]

  women folk sit in the kitchen and talk [TS]

  about what a bad father I am and the the [TS]

  trim function says it requires too much [TS]

  memory to trim this movie so you cannot [TS]

  trim it might all right you won't import [TS]

  it but you won't let me edit it and the [TS]

  the key bit you know the key first 10 [TS]

  minutes of this is something i would [TS]

  like to keep quite frankly i would like [TS]

  to keep this video of her getting hit by [TS]

  the wave because it's because the story [TS]

  is going to come up again but i cannot i [TS]

  cannot employ can't get it off my phone [TS]

  and I can't and I can't edit it to get [TS]

  it off my phone and I honestly don't [TS]

  know what to do [TS]

  it's just sitting there it's not going [TS]

  this is the thing it's not gone yet but [TS]

  but my presumption is one day something [TS]

  will go back and then it'll just be like [TS]

  lost forever [TS]

  it's like an astronaut on the moon were [TS]

  like we're pretty sure they're still [TS]

  alive but we don't have a way to get to [TS]

  the up that's right that's right you're [TS]

  just waiting for the oxygen to run out [TS]

  my god [TS]

  and you know what what are my options [TS]

  i'm sure that's I'm sure that siracusa [TS]

  is gonna write me an angry letter saying [TS]

  that's not how you pronounce my name [TS]

  [Music] [TS]