Roderick on the Line

Ep. 76: "The Cherry of Somebody's Appeal"

 

  hello hey John [TS]

  hi Merlin has it going out so late [TS]

  ha look it's late and you are a busy guy [TS]

  no I'm not really you're busy been [TS]

  traveling yeah I have to say though the [TS]

  the work that you're doing is God's work [TS]

  thank you John thank you [TS]

  I know we talked a lot about civics yes [TS]

  yes you are putting your money where [TS]

  your mouth is [TS]

  well my mouth is in a chair for nine [TS]

  hours a day [TS]

  this is boring no one cares all that's [TS]

  not true you are doing jury duty which [TS]

  is every American's duty that's why they [TS]

  call it duty jury duty instead of jury [TS]

  option [TS]

  Michael cherry option right but in such [TS]

  a hurry to be not reduce injury doobie [TS]

  know now so you're in one of those those [TS]

  wood chairs [TS]

  yeah no no it has come a long way and [TS]

  then Madlock comes over and well you [TS]

  know if you had not texted me like [TS]

  literally 15 minutes ago I was going to [TS]

  go home and watch out 12 angry men but [TS]

  instead i was watching at the greatest [TS]

  great escape that I think myself a [TS]

  little break [TS]

  that's a nice one it makes you laugh [TS]

  when you're sitting there in the jury [TS]

  box you can imagine yourself jumping [TS]

  your stolen Nazi motorcycle [TS]

  ok part where spoilers no spoilers sorry [TS]

  sorry you've never seen it now I haven't [TS]

  oh no I immediately struck me as seeing [TS]

  a lot like that class of movies that we [TS]

  enjoy [TS]

  yes yeah yeah yeah it seemed a little [TS]

  bit like Dirty Dozen a little bit like [TS]

  force 10 from navarone a bit of a later [TS]

  later longest day [TS]

  should i ask i watch that what does have [TS]

  you not seen the longest day know what [TS]

  is that oh the longest day create here I [TS]

  go the longest day it's a it's a movie [TS]

  but you just said that again okay hey [TS]

  great that down the longest then just [TS]

  it's a movie about DJ okay and it's the [TS]

  original like massive Hollywood picture [TS]

  starring every single actor like it's [TS]

  Cod it's got it [TS]

  David Niven it's got you love David [TS]

  Niven I'm even giving your canonical guy [TS]

  with a beret who blows things up [TS]

  he is and you know it's the british guy [TS]

  with the bomb that you kind of want to [TS]

  be ya the briefcase full of the [TS]

  briefcase full of bombs from for stem [TS]

  from know he was enforced it was he [TS]

  I'm not going to go into David Nevins [TS]

  Lincoln you know John I i'm not a Joseph [TS]

  Campbell archivist but i'm pretty sure [TS]

  the disco hacking hope we're not gonna [TS]

  talk about comics but this is a [TS]

  character the guy with the beret from [TS]

  England briefcase full of bombs [TS]

  yes and he at first he seems a little [TS]

  bit poncy but but haven't but he knows [TS]

  where to put the bomb it does he does he [TS]

  knows how to blow up he knows how to [TS]

  blow up the mountain but in such a way [TS]

  that there's plenty of time to escape [TS]

  which are they coming by the beach or [TS]

  are they coming the other way like where [TS]

  you comin from via it's a story they do [TS]

  come via the beach can in on the on [TS]

  d-day on de de as we say in the purlins [TS]

  d4 day but it's the whole story of d-day [TS]

  it's like it's it was when when saving [TS]

  private ryan came out this may shock and [TS]

  surprise you but when saving private [TS]

  ryan came out I had no interest in [TS]

  seeing it because i had seen the longest [TS]

  day and it was definitive he felt like [TS]

  it was a high bar it was important [TS]

  because it's you know the longest day is [TS]

  made it is made well that well while the [TS]

  sand of d-day beaches was still on the [TS]

  shoulders of half of the actors in the [TS]

  film you know like there are a lot of [TS]

  actual world war two veterans in the [TS]

  movie [TS]

  and so Steven Spielberg with his slow [TS]

  motion bullets and stuff I was just like [TS]

  I don't need it [TS]

  I don't need to see it and it was only [TS]

  when I when I was introduced to band of [TS]

  brothers on one of my earliest jetblue [TS]

  flights so the first one the first time [TS]

  I took jetblue right after they had [TS]

  opened as a company you know back when [TS]

  having a TV on an airplane seemed like [TS]

  it was it was literally unique there was [TS]

  a community what you can watch any on a [TS]

  plane inside of the seat [TS]

  yeah and i'm saying i sat down in my [TS]

  leather seat and looked at this little [TS]

  postage stamp-sized TV and I said are [TS]

  you kidding it's likely i'll never it's [TS]

  like flying has become fun again right [TS]

  and i sat and i watched probably i don't [TS]

  know how many episodes of band of [TS]

  brothers probably for at least episodes [TS]

  of band of brothers back-to-back and [TS]

  that's an amazing television show and [TS]

  then it caused me to say to it piqued my [TS]

  curiosity about about perception private [TS]

  ryan enough that i went to watch it was [TS]

  like that right but the longest day [TS]

  that's where everybody needs to start [TS]

  I'm not breaking my rule and looking [TS]

  here and it's alphabetical to forgive me [TS]

  get you got Eddie Albert and Albert's [TS]

  there you get Paul Anka you that sir is [TS]

  that correct yes they're all that you [TS]

  know they're only potter there's like a [TS]

  prank or hook canary trap you get [TS]

  Richard Burton red buttons [TS]

  what's right shut up honoree fabian [TS]

  maybe fabian which I look bitch I would [TS]

  put in the pile with a Paul Anka you got [TS]

  Henry Fonda what right and this is a [TS]

  year before the great escape this came [TS]

  out now if memory serves October fourth [TS]

  1962 remembering that right yeah so [TS]

  before thank you know to the 110 111 [TS]

  whatever takes sure and I think it's [TS]

  down approximately two percent and [TS]

  popularity this week [TS]

  uh-huh it's a hell of a movie it's [TS]

  probably three hours long [TS]

  I like a Torah Torah yeah and you really [TS]

  get this you you know it [TS]

  every one of those guys has their star [TS]

  turn everybody gets their character [TS]

  development everybody has their you know [TS]

  their moment [TS]

  its a mix it with your friends and [TS]

  watched when you finally watch the Ryan [TS]

  yeah i mean like I'm guessing I'm just [TS]

  just speculating that you must have been [TS]

  kind of into the on the beach scene [TS]

  right well that's pretty great right [TS]

  yeah the war stuff is is awesome but you [TS]

  know I don't care how many how many like [TS]

  makeup lines you draw on Tom Hanks with [TS]

  the eyeliner pencil boy I case tell i [TS]

  still see him in bosom buddies yeah [TS]

  whatever that time Peter Scolari every [TS]

  time he comes on the screen I see him [TS]

  with the falsies on trying to sneak up [TS]

  into the into his like all-girl [TS]

  apartment building a good shout it was a [TS]

  great show and then if you do hit I feel [TS]

  like his most sophisticated role was in [TS]

  bachelor party a witch and that's what [TS]

  that's what like Tom Hanks character [TS]

  development stops for me is you think [TS]

  that the head that's the hanks about the [TS]

  SS is standing there [TS]

  he's standing there like that and it's [TS]

  two steps down to the living room of his [TS]

  big hotel room [TS]

  yeah and and his friends are throwing [TS]

  him throwing him a big bachelor party [TS]

  where he's going to have sex with a lot [TS]

  of hookers and girls and he just can't [TS]

  because he loves his fiancee too much [TS]

  and that's complicated losses to Beyonce [TS]

  I remember i'm trying to member who is [TS]

  in that it was it was I mean that was [TS]

  don't that's one of those movies that is [TS]

  not aged super well I mean yeah it's one [TS]

  of those movies like how like what [TS]

  it's a lot like a few good men it's [TS]

  canonical in a lot of ways like you [TS]

  watching a WoW like when I i love this [TS]

  one came out and I and but it really [TS]

  feels like kind of a time [TS]

  well let me just answer my own question [TS]

  yes to a common objection objection has [TS]

  cast and answered Tom Hanks's love [TS]

  interest and fiance in batches [TS]

  is a tawny kitaen is trying to get haha [TS]

  funny contain David covered sales [TS]

  girlfriend [TS]

  yes and now I think pretty pretty like [TS]

  resolutely over onto the other side of [TS]

  like cookie wall and right isn't it [TS]

  hasn't she's some kind of like [TS]

  conservative blogger or she's like a [TS]

  spanker or a vaccine person that kind of [TS]

  how or maybe like a like like like what [TS]

  is she using her bully pulpit for she [TS]

  knows maybe with something else like she [TS]

  was arrested for a for waving a pistol [TS]

  around or she she had she was wearing [TS]

  some of those sweatpants that had a bad [TS]

  hollister written on the back and and [TS]

  like date rape the girl i don't remember [TS]

  what it was about it [TS]

  whatever happened to Tony contain it [TS]

  wasn't pretty and that's and that is a [TS]

  tragedy to me because I I found her very [TS]

  attractive in the Hades tiled god yes [TS]

  but it was the way that was a the [TS]

  keyboard player from journeys girlfriend [TS]

  who is that Jonathan Cain had a hot [TS]

  girlfriend to remember [TS]

  come on stay with me united ahead and go [TS]

  all the way into journeys girlfriends [TS]

  well you got the greatest hits though [TS]

  right [TS]

  I could not I could not handle Steve [TS]

  Perry I could just couldn't handle it [TS]

  there wasn't anything about Steve Perry [TS]

  I could handle yeah you know it's deep [TS]

  what he needs this context he makes a [TS]

  lot of sense in context [TS]

  yeah but I never had the context i [TS]

  always was like yes he is he's [TS]

  ambiguously gendered he's ambiguously [TS]

  like I'm not seriously calendar is what [TS]

  he is he's ambiguously talented i'm not [TS]

  sure whether he's asian south pacific [TS]

  islander I know his replacement is I'm [TS]

  not sure about TPP replaced by a Samoan [TS]

  I'm saying is the the new singer in [TS]

  journeys from the philippines haha [TS]

  he do that no i didn't but my mind is [TS]

  you know I literally exhausted from jury [TS]

  duty and i'm suddenly America I mention [TS]

  these different supergroups and now when [TS]

  involve the replacement singers from [TS]

  bands simply you've got you got the memo [TS]

  Steve Perry I got the guy who's not rob [TS]

  halford right Gary Chicot sharoni oh [TS]

  come on line for her from vanillin three [TS]

  can ruin a wet dream [TS]

  that's it's just all here saying it's [TS]

  all singers it's all replacement singers [TS]

  i think i think the girlfriend of [TS]

  anybody in a famous man should be named [TS]

  Tony I mean justjust for archival [TS]

  reasons there was a girl in my high [TS]

  school and she said her nickname or was [TS]

  that your given name was writ was a real [TS]

  man she was a shoes of a guy I always [TS]

  felt like she was an attractive girl [TS]

  yes I was thinking the other day I [TS]

  remember I was at a high school party I [TS]

  right at that transition when we were i [TS]

  guess i guess it's a transition that you [TS]

  make at the beginning of your senior [TS]

  year where you start to have parties in [TS]

  motels a.m. instead of at people's [TS]

  houses we're like okay what you know [TS]

  like we're old enough now we can go get [TS]

  a hotel and we're going to have a party [TS]

  there and it wasn't one of these motel [TS]

  parties in Anchorage and there was it [TS]

  was it was the socialist the socialists [TS]

  were having a party right [TS]

  and somehow at that point by the time [TS]

  you're seeing your lucky kinda like I [TS]

  felt very comfortable crashing social [TS]

  parties even though they didn't want me [TS]

  there and I showed up in my in my trench [TS]

  coat with the book the whiteout skull [TS]

  and crossbones on the back with my [TS]

  friend Cal and we were you know we were [TS]

  looking for trouble and it's all the [TS]

  girls with the with the sprayed up bangs [TS]

  and everything and this girl very drunk [TS]

  went into the bathroom went to the went [TS]

  went potty she went number 20 and she [TS]

  came out and had failed to flush the [TS]

  toilet [TS]

  oh no the poor thing yeah and so the [TS]

  next guy who to the to the room and [TS]

  whatever social guy was in their next [TS]

  comes out he's like oh my god you guys [TS]

  have got to see this [TS]

  and you know this girl is very drunk she [TS]

  stumbles off you know with her pink high [TS]

  heels wavering on the carpet but [TS]

  everybody else at the party then one by [TS]

  one files into the bathroom to see that [TS]

  this girl has made an enormous two key [TS]

  so big like like wide like wide and long [TS]

  is a toilet filling DC and its limits [TS]

  but what's amazing about it in addition [TS]

  to just the massiveness of it is it is a [TS]

  one-piece Dukey so she 16 right yeah it [TS]

  is a it is like a boa constrictor [TS]

  Oh No in the toilet and everything you [TS]

  know in any other place that would be [TS]

  seen as extremely healthy right if I had [TS]

  made it to I still envy that do get [TS]

  think about it all the time I cock God [TS]

  if I could just that is an aspirational [TS]

  Dukey but her whole life was changed by [TS]

  one misstep she did not hit the flusher [TS]

  right and it's actually an initial signs [TS]

  did you file in course I saw the Dookie [TS]

  sure [TS]

  and these are her friends you know this [TS]

  isn't a case where some social girl came [TS]

  to a to like one of our parties and we [TS]

  were raked over the coals like these [TS]

  were her people [TS]

  these were her pals and she I remember [TS]

  her being kind of a pretty girl who was [TS]

  aspiring to to jump into a higher social [TS]

  class in high school or whatever choose [TS]

  issues just under the line for being one [TS]

  of the top girls as she saw it and this [TS]

  was just this plummeted her status [TS]

  because because it you can you see is [TS]

  she walking down the hall and there may [TS]

  be some guy with a mullet walking behind [TS]

  her holding his fingers 18 inches apart [TS]

  now over her head and it was just like [TS]

  think about all the times that that [TS]

  happened in high school I remember a guy [TS]

  of a really good friend of mine [TS]

  in eighth grade the story went around [TS]

  that he had a slumber party or a bunch [TS]

  of dudes bunch of the cool kids came [TS]

  over to his house and he was kind of one [TS]

  of them one of the kids on the fringe of [TS]

  the cool kid group and the next day at [TS]

  school it was contested that he that [TS]

  somebody will come in tonight and he was [TS]

  jacking it and all the kids within [TS]

  within before first period was out the [TS]

  entire school knew that this guy was [TS]

  jacking it at a slumber party with a [TS]

  bunch of his friends and I i found it at [TS]

  the time and i find it now impossible to [TS]

  believe that he was legitimately jacking [TS]

  it but even if he were he had to move he [TS]

  had to move and change his name him [TS]

  because he did he moved and changed his [TS]

  name is diis know i'm on facebook he [TS]

  still goes by a different name changed [TS]

  his name forever anyway this girl with [TS]

  the Dookie I was thinking about it the [TS]

  other day this was before people had [TS]

  cameras on their phones imagine now that [TS]

  would be it [TS]

  it'd be on the top of it be on the top [TS]

  of that i can eat cheeseburgers [TS]

  yeah yeah I gosh i'm at i can haz meme [TS]

  generator you know it's it's one thing [TS]

  if you fart you know it it's another [TS]

  thing if you miss speak your fly is down [TS]

  but you know for a guy i mean first of [TS]

  all I i have to say i can't believe you [TS]

  you you can't imagine somebody checking [TS]

  it at an overnight because you know i [TS]

  thought well i got anything i'm not [TS]

  gonna say anything but I mean that what [TS]

  are you saying that are you saying that [TS]

  circle jerking me was actually a thing [TS]

  now I'm not saying that all I'm saying [TS]

  the privacy of your own toilet moment if [TS]

  you needed to run a batch it that might [TS]

  be something you would do as a dude if [TS]

  you get caught that's [TS]

  you know that's kind of off limits but [TS]

  for a lady [TS]

  I just I can't eat I can't imagine [TS]

  anything worse if she were literally [TS]

  blowing the principal in the bathroom [TS]

  it would be nowhere near as bad as [TS]

  forgetting to flush h it and enviable [TS]

  Dukey and the big the biggest food that [TS]

  anybody's ever seen [TS]

  yes but i think but like light like so [TS]

  many things involving ND and status [TS]

  right then you think it's like kind of a [TS]

  complicated combination of language you [TS]

  I mean like you like anything you would [TS]

  go like oh it's like discovering that [TS]

  somebody makes two or three more zeroes [TS]

  than you thought they made every year my [TS]

  you'd go like who that person is rich in [TS]

  this case she has made a literally [TS]

  perfect Dukey at a party and you know [TS]

  let me sketch on Roderick how often have [TS]

  you made a perfect Dukey a party I [TS]

  should I pooped a party I pooped a party [TS]

  in la one time it was super complicated [TS]

  complicated [TS]

  yeah i was a multi-stage job oh how come [TS]

  back to that if you want I will [TS]

  literally circle back to that but but [TS]

  but but for a lady [TS]

  yeah and a at our time like no you don't [TS]

  want you don't want to show that you [TS]

  have any bodily functions of any kind if [TS]

  she had left bloody panties like [TS]

  literally on the cake [TS]

  it would be not as bad as it is as a has [TS]

  an enviable Dukey yeah now in contrast [TS]

  like early on in seventh grade in my [TS]

  biology class we were all sitting [TS]

  working on a problem at those big long [TS]

  black tables that if you put your finger [TS]

  on it for a long time it it makes a [TS]

  little sweat spot you know those black [TS]

  table Jesus biology yeah we got one of [TS]

  this [TS]

  and I'm sitting sitting there working on [TS]

  a problem like we got a lab partner like [TS]

  you are too wide [TS]

  we're all sitting at the classes the [TS]

  class is deathly quiet you can hear a [TS]

  pin drop and i have and i feel that i [TS]

  have i have to make a fart and so I kind [TS]

  of you know I lift up one side of my [TS]

  bottom you provide an affordance III [TS]

  that's right I know if I for an exit [TS]

  area that mean it means acceptable means [TS]

  of ingress that's right now keep working [TS]

  on my project my part my black partners [TS]

  there and I proceeded to for whatever [TS]

  reason make the loudest fart was it [TS]

  flappy it was loud and long and perfect [TS]

  and now I recognizes it as the perfect [TS]

  part because all this i mean everything [TS]

  was set up biology class seventh-grade [TS]

  perfect silence hard wood chair i'm in [TS]

  the front row of the class there's [TS]

  nowhere to hide and I make a perfect [TS]

  30-second long super further and it was [TS]

  the situation whether the reaction was [TS]

  so instantaneous and also so perfect [TS]

  everybody like jumped back as if as if a [TS]

  cobra had sprung out of a half [TS]

  yeah chairs are falling back kids are [TS]

  like falling over each other to escape [TS]

  and it's all happening instantaneously [TS]

  like the sound wave hasn't even made it [TS]

  to the wall and kids are scrambling to [TS]

  get away from the blast zone slicks the [TS]

  girls are screaming and yelling and I [TS]

  and I remember I remember sitting there [TS]

  and there was no up there was no [TS]

  mortification because there was it was [TS]

  not possible [TS]

  like I couldn't be mortified in that [TS]

  moment because it had it was so far over [TS]

  it was so fun pat was no question that [TS]

  you have doubt it because the kids on [TS]

  either side of me flew away for me like [TS]

  they were they were at Ground Zero [TS]

  clamoring over tables to get away and I [TS]

  just SAT there continued writing may be [TS]

  paid no jets hear that he kind and just [TS]

  like owned it [TS]

  I i had the presence in seventh grade to [TS]

  own it with no I was not trying to [TS]

  pretend that i hadn't like I had a [TS]

  superior smirk on my face and just kept [TS]

  writing on my piece of paper and it was [TS]

  then then it was up to them so it was [TS]

  precisely like nothing happened but it [TS]

  was like oh that happened but i'm just [TS]

  going to keep moving [TS]

  oh it happened but and I mean the [TS]

  teachers sitting at her desk and I think [TS]

  maybe even she stood up and took a step [TS]

  back but then i can connect to write so [TS]

  how the burden the burden of proof the [TS]

  onus is on everyone else in the room [TS]

  like what are you going to do now [TS]

  right like you're all crowding against [TS]

  the walls what are you gonna do next [TS]

  yeah like eventually you have to take [TS]

  your seats again and i'm still just [TS]

  gonna be sitting here writing writing my [TS]

  assignment with the self-satisfied smile [TS]

  and eventually they did eventually they [TS]

  all like crept back cursing me and and [TS]

  you have better but it like it was [TS]

  bulletproof by the next day it was it [TS]

  was like the stuff of myth the stuff of [TS]

  myth and also liked it was it was a [TS]

  feather in my cap right i mean that's [TS]

  what you think is like a few things like [TS]

  receded in like tried to you know play [TS]

  it off legit and go like oh no it's [TS]

  actually like plotting your no plausible [TS]

  deniability [TS]

  youyou Delta you owned it if I face that [TS]

  even gotten Red I i would i would have [TS]

  been it would have been like [TS]

  I might as well cut off my hands on that [TS]

  is a career-defining was it was it was a [TS]

  it was a moment of self-knowledge I was [TS]

  like that's right that's right it's [TS]

  kinda sexy almost fell apart like this [TS]

  but as for any of you will ever hear or [TS]

  see ya [TS]

  and any in you were there the whole time [TS]

  but for a lady uh i mean i have to feel [TS]

  like if this girl had stood in the door [TS]

  of the bathroom and send like and sold [TS]

  tickets for a dollar [TS]

  it would have been better for her than [TS]

  to just kind of stumbled out of the [TS]

  bathroom and drunkenly stumble away i [TS]

  dont no question there's a thousand ways [TS]

  that could have been better for her like [TS]

  if she if she had gone like hey guys [TS]

  and then shatter on a copy of escape by [TS]

  journey that would like a thousand times [TS]

  more hot that would've been hotter than [TS]

  like necking with the second cutest girl [TS]

  but then the fact that she space the [TS]

  flushing he oh my god that's miserable I [TS]

  i I'm not gonna leave that off of that's [TS]

  just [TS]

  oh yeah so yeah it just goes to show i'm [TS]

  not sure what it goes to show flush you [TS]

  know what they say you know in music you [TS]

  know if you had a clam [TS]

  oh yeah do it three times its apart i [TS]

  think that's the only smoke that said [TS]

  that literally only wants to clamp into [TS]

  three times it's a it's a bit but you [TS]

  know that like you know I i learned this [TS]

  too late but they would say that you [TS]

  know if you had a clam [TS]

  I don't make a face right like if you if [TS]

  you hit like a and you know i have [TS]

  stepped off on an important part that [TS]

  everybody can hear like don't make a [TS]

  face you know because a lot of people [TS]

  will not even notice [TS]

  yeah well and there's a hit an [TS]

  interesting adjunct to that story my [TS]

  good friend david bazan who is now a [TS]

  friend of yours also david bazan who [TS]

  tells a story when he was a young man [TS]

  playing the drums in like and he was [TS]

  even a drummer who backed up [TS]

  church music at his because his father [TS]

  was a music pastor right and so Dave [TS]

  started out his career as a as a drum [TS]

  teenage drummer behind all these people [TS]

  singing and playing in church and he [TS]

  said he was playing drums behind some [TS]

  some singer in in a church band who was [TS]

  really cheesy singer and really pretty [TS]

  bad and after the you know after the [TS]

  performance he walks off stage and his [TS]

  mom grabs him by the shirt and she says [TS]

  you were you were behind the drums [TS]

  making faces at that singer when the [TS]

  singer couldn't hit when the singer mr. [TS]

  note [TS]

  you would make a grimace and you can [TS]

  never ever ever do that and tables like [TS]

  oh I was just like and I was so awful [TS]

  that I couldn't she was like you can [TS]

  never ever when you're onstage make a [TS]

  face when someone misses the note like [TS]

  that your job if you have any job it is [TS]

  to stand up there and present not only [TS]

  your own flubs as you know as [TS]

  professionally as you can but like you [TS]

  are representing that singer you are [TS]

  representing yourself and everything [TS]

  while you're up there you're there to [TS]

  support them its kind of the poor shape [TS]

  for axiom or like you can make a face to [TS]

  like support them and go wow that was [TS]

  really rocking but no no ugly face no no [TS]

  no shit face because it becomes like a [TS]

  like a footnote like a really really [TS]

  wish [TS]

  yeah exactly [TS]

  for Dave one of my Saturday night people [TS]

  so it's a very emotional face [TS]

  I mean I think it's think Dave it's you [TS]

  know I'm the super tight with him but I [TS]

  i enjoy this stuff a lot when I watch [TS]

  him perform [TS]

  I mean it seems like he gets very [TS]

  involved in the music he's into it but [TS]

  he's not making like guitar face he's [TS]

  not making library look at me i'm like [TS]

  hitting up you know I'm bending five you [TS]

  know like he's he's like involved in the [TS]

  music and it seems like a bet it was [TS]

  kind of involuntary he was he was making [TS]

  in other words he was not making a [TS]

  deliberate comment on the flatness [TS]

  sharpness or badness of the singer he [TS]

  was just like playing the song right i [TS]

  mean it wasn't like he was trying to [TS]

  undermine know a thing about this is why [TS]

  I can't go to karaoke like sitting and [TS]

  karaoke performance I feel like I feel [TS]

  like lemmiwinks is up my butt huh [TS]

  I am so uncomfortable with it when [TS]

  people sing flat that that it's [TS]

  reflexive like my shoulders so I was [TS]

  saying I'm gonna improv if I could [TS]

  improv and somebody was okay i'm gonna [TS]

  need something involving a toilet and a [TS]

  pizza delivery ok got that and and when [TS]

  and when it becomes uncomfortable I rock [TS]

  even if I'm not medicated I rock back [TS]

  and forth and have this like really any [TS]

  your head on the wall [TS]

  well now it's worse getting back with [TS]

  Lisa that I seem crazy but I rock back [TS]

  and forth with a fake smile on my face [TS]

  because I'm feeling every scintilla of [TS]

  putting liquor board a smile like you [TS]

  know what's bad is you like so with the [TS]

  karaoke or was performing like you feel [TS]

  bad for the person because they may not [TS]

  be fully aware that that's the thing [TS]

  they're having a great time right like [TS]

  you're feeling so you're feeling [TS]

  sympathy for them and they are they [TS]

  require no sympathy i said so I stay out [TS]

  of that stuff I just think I've been [TS]

  admonished by the judge in my case not [TS]

  not not to like discuss what's going on [TS]

  the case but i will tell you that [TS]

  on a couple three occasions today I had [TS]

  to pass by the family court area where [TS]

  the like legal assistance area and there [TS]

  was a one be home woman standing sitting [TS]

  there was a lot of bags and she was [TS]

  there to get some extra help with her [TS]

  meds and she I was singing 99 red [TS]

  balloons by nina in german or english [TS]

  english and the canonical version but ok [TS]

  sir she did not know all the words and [TS]

  just she was even like I'm a sharp [TS]

  singer she was super flat singer and if [TS]

  I could say shot Broderick she didn't [TS]

  know all the words and she could sing it [TS]

  over over lot of mothers amount so my [TS]

  only thought I have been admonished [TS]

  about this i shared this with some other [TS]

  jury members that you know if you're [TS]

  gonna be a crazy homeless lady singing [TS]

  Nina over and literally over like at [TS]

  least know the words it's okay they're a [TS]

  little flat and know the words but right [TS]

  i mean will give you a pass but she was [TS]

  she [TS]

  improving some words based on what she [TS]

  was seeing in the court or whatever she [TS]

  was getting just getting just enough [TS]

  wrong that like a casual observer would [TS]

  go oh you kinda don't know the words to [TS]

  that song she just doing the captain [TS]

  kirk verse over and over [TS]

  no I mean I can't really I don't [TS]

  impersonate her because you know of [TS]

  admonishments right but what up [TS]

  are you telling me that the judge in [TS]

  this case has singled you out for [TS]

  personal admonishment III can't know [TS]

  what I couldn't say it's like the NSA [TS]

  it's like one of those you know it's [TS]

  like one of those things you get were [TS]

  like you can't you can't say if you've [TS]

  received the letter where you can't say [TS]

  what you can't say yes I understand [TS]

  no I don't wanna you know what from the [TS]

  bench he has pointed his gavel he or she [TS]

  has pointed in his or gavel a thank-you [TS]

  and said you you let me just explain the [TS]

  juror number eight or otherwise [TS]

  uh-oh they're gonna love you in the jury [TS]

  room during deliberations god I'm so [TS]

  gonna be like that the cherry [TS]

  somebody's appeal I can feel it already [TS]

  but walking by you your honor [TS]

  I don't want to go to a party that one [TS]

  of the judges have you you little Oh [TS]

  transcript of a podcast about what you [TS]

  here's the thing like you so you don't [TS]

  think like that song look if it's louie [TS]

  louie if it's a faithfully like whatever [TS]

  it is like just if you're going to sing [TS]

  it over and over get it right but nobody [TS]

  knows the lyrics to Louie you just [TS]

  picked the classic example of a song [TS]

  that no one can sing properly [TS]

  yeah but if you put your heart in it and [TS]

  like do the intonation and try not to be [TS]

  too flat and I i don't know i think that [TS]

  that song 99 loose balloons yeah i mean [TS]

  that that tells a that's a long involved [TS]

  story [TS]

  yeah I'm not surprised she doesn't know [TS]

  all the words I'm just surprised that I [TS]

  don't think it's gonna happen sorry i [TS]

  don't think it's going to help her get [TS]

  prozac though they did she look a little [TS]

  bit like John I literally cannot get [TS]

  into this usually there she was the hair [TS]

  with another guy who had binoculars and [TS]

  well and he was wearing lots of like [TS]

  roots rock reggae kind of colors like he [TS]

  had less like like like red golden-green [TS]

  did he have to be about Bob like Black [TS]

  Bart Simpson shirt on [TS]

  that's over to block the stand and [TS]

  wearing a giant like afrika bambaataa [TS]

  necklace looks like a deal with soul [TS]

  necklace now nothing like that now it [TS]

  will have got John I haven't slept [TS]

  um you know what I'm going to say is [TS]

  that that that there is a if I could say [TS]

  I'm not a miller scholar as you know but [TS]

  there's a crucible that happens in high [TS]

  school it starts in junior high because [TS]

  in highschool did you just complete the [TS]

  words crucial and crucible crucible and [TS]

  sick then is it wrong with how to [TS]

  pronounce one went on a rider how do you [TS]

  say that [TS]

  start over gentlemen but it's late it's [TS]

  late is it our brother Henry Miller [TS]

  surrounded [TS]

  by actor / empty pill bottles of john [TS]

  III you know what I was a crucible [TS]

  literally don't get me started on empty [TS]

  pill bottles right now but the income [TS]

  that's why they're going to appeal that [TS]

  case they're good [TS]

  jurors Roman citizen wastebasket this is [TS]

  that so [TS]

  o-katsu i'm gonna go ahead and oh [TS]

  follow 325 objection juror number eight [TS]

  has not been able to visit you sue o a [TS]

  psychiatrist to refill his schedule one [TS]

  prescription [TS]

  haha oh and he's reading clearly read [TS]

  new spider-man comics so this woman [TS]

  she's she's there and look like Margot [TS]

  Kidder doesn't she [TS]

  not not too late i'm picturing [TS]

  late-stage Margo can share [TS]

  yeah now-now ever feel you i ran into [TS]

  Margot Kidder in a sushi restaurant in [TS]

  your house and it [TS]

  no she was getting sushi she was there [TS]

  in Chile with the dismemberment play in [TS]

  your ass [TS]

  yeah you always complicated that sorry I [TS]

  so wishing machine seattle at the cargo [TS]

  carrier was in New York City of Canton [TS]

  sushi [TS]

  okay really okay in a little italy just [TS]

  give me a general sense of what are we [TS]

  talking about like post-2000 but bigger [TS]

  in about to them [TS]

  ok so as they say in Northern Ireland it [TS]

  was during the problems it was during [TS]

  the problem area and she she had some [TS]

  said some leaves in her hair she she had [TS]

  I think she was think she was missing [TS]

  the tooth or two [TS]

  oh no John you know park that is it was [TS]

  pretty was too pretty yeah John people [TS]

  judge you when you are missing a tooth [TS]

  yeah she has she has come all the way [TS]

  back i think it for you Margo yeah I bet [TS]

  she knows all the listening keep going [TS]

  out here more haha well you know I don't [TS]

  like a lot safer Robert Downey when we [TS]

  come back to that I feel like I feel [TS]

  like she's gotta be missing [TS]

  teeth I feel like I feel like in what [TS]

  what what why do I say that just in [TS]

  terms of I understand if you have an [TS]

  objection regarding relevance or [TS]

  foundation i'm literally exhausted [TS]

  um but it when it did you know Margot [TS]

  Kidder dated pierre trudeau I'm sorry I [TS]

  didn't hear that Margot Kidder that was [TS]

  a hearing a joke i did not know that i [TS]

  did and i don't have a cat micelles not [TS]

  here right now let me good for you can [TS]

  thank you up [TS]

  John hang on Margot Kidder you're [TS]

  telling me literally marketer who seems [TS]

  like she should have been in some [TS]

  Cassavetes films but it wasn't like [TS]

  she's got that kind of Cassidy's feel [TS]

  but we mainly know her from a Superman [TS]

  yeah right and kind of seeming like the [TS]

  cute girl in Raiders of the Lost Ark but [TS]

  not really what was that not that [TS]

  somebody less karenallen that's Karen [TS]

  Allen oh yes she's cute and raiders of [TS]

  the lost ark yeah it'sit's conflation [TS]

  yeah anyway I so so anyway yeah well she [TS]

  did oh she did the Prime Minister canada [TS]

  oh I'm to get the filmmaker Oh Trudeau [TS]

  filmmaker at home thinking of up just [TS]

  got here in Franklin County French [TS]

  filmmaker here to Del Rio Chico and [TS]

  which ones margaux hemingway margaux [TS]

  hemingway wasn't she is using lipstick [TS]

  shoes in lipstick i think so anyway are [TS]

  multiple but that's right Margaux [TS]

  Hemingway was that was Woody Allen [TS]

  stand-in for soon-yi [TS]

  in manhattan in Manhattan I'm take two [TS]

  things number one lipstick lipstick used [TS]

  to be on a cable a lot and I saw a lot [TS]

  and here's the other thing what I'm [TS]

  realizing is that Allah your uh epochal [TS]

  fart and the Dookie of the famous girl [TS]

  like I I spend so little of my time so [TS]

  little of my life worrying about how it [TS]

  would look in court you know I'm saying [TS]

  like there's some so little of my life [TS]

  where I'm like processing like how would [TS]

  I even begin [TS]

  I could explain what I did for a living [TS]

  to these people [TS]

  the the other jury members are still [TS]

  asking me like what I quote on quote [TS]

  unquote do right and I you know I slept [TS]

  it off and go you know like i always say [TS]

  i have two answers to what I do you [TS]

  well uh if it's obvious you don't care i [TS]

  say that I'm a ceramicist that's right [TS]

  your services that's but that's right [TS]

  and if you seem like you maybe a little [TS]

  care i say i do things with computers [TS]

  yeah I've heard you say that you're a [TS]

  ceramicist people have you really heard [TS]

  that yeah and watch the nod yes I think [TS]

  people don't believe actually actually [TS]

  say that I think I I generally get the [TS]

  sense that you are going to say only two [TS]

  people who are not who you can tell are [TS]

  not already not listening [TS]

  what's the same problem you run into [TS]

  with the Circle C move in in the [TS]

  corridors of power might be mixed [TS]

  metaphor but you run into people who [TS]

  like 1a like letting the slide shows the [TS]

  slideshow with the african-american kids [TS]

  right you you run into people who want [TS]

  to suss out whether they should be [TS]

  talking to you are you an entrepreneur [TS]

  hmm we're all entrepreneurs Pyramus [TS]

  serial entrepreneur my problem is like [TS]

  my entire life is not structured around [TS]

  any aspect of having a straight ahead [TS]

  sir [TS]

  yeah yeah no not by design it's just [TS]

  that you know we're setting aside my [TS]

  liberal artistic pneus like it's really [TS]

  hard for me to explain all kinds of [TS]

  things and yeah I just I I never process [TS]

  what I do [TS]

  ok so here's here's one admission [TS]

  I'm going to allow this it is that [TS]

  sometimes I will say like I i want to [TS]

  stop what's happening right now because [TS]

  as a father now I sometimes wonder [TS]

  whether this clip here on a forum in an [TS]

  emergency room sometimes i will think [TS]

  like how will this look if I have to [TS]

  explain this in a victory end of the [TS]

  forms they don't give you a large area [TS]

  and somewhat you know bibulous as they [TS]

  say and so I don't want to have to [TS]

  explain things because i rarely can and [TS]

  let alone my job let alone in decision i [TS]

  made like the worst feeling like like [TS]

  what do you say when people ask you what [TS]

  you do I mean II dt just say rockstar [TS]

  like what he say well this is the thing [TS]

  as you as you probably can guess I've [TS]

  spent my entire life prepared to at any [TS]

  moment be put on the stand in a capital [TS]

  murder case [TS]

  damn glad about you grew up knowing [TS]

  knowing that you could somebody be [TS]

  called to a Senate hearing where they [TS]

  would say listen listen we're fast [TS]

  tracking you for this I cannot promise [TS]

  you this going anywhere but you might be [TS]

  the head of the CIA [TS]

  yeah that one get on assessment tonight [TS]

  right right assessment citation at which [TS]

  point i would put my hand over the [TS]

  microphone and I would consult my [TS]

  attorney and then that would come back [TS]

  look back and say I Ozai also senator [TS]

  own stock in AT&T and IBM and we're [TS]

  Hauser timber whatever you know you have [TS]

  to have they bring in your brother from [TS]

  Sicily appearance in the courtroom makes [TS]

  you so unhinged but you say well I was [TS]

  the olive oil [TS]

  gotta love you so much but in any case [TS]

  yes there's two things that I'm always [TS]

  prepared for at any moment are to be [TS]

  subpoenaed what [TS]

  and also to go to prison so it's more [TS]

  than packing that small bag like you're [TS]

  really you're ready i'm ready and one of [TS]

  the one of the one of the ways that i [TS]

  have i maintain that readiness [TS]

  particularly in the case of going to [TS]

  prison is that I have never read [TS]

  Shakespeare sonnets because I'm saving [TS]

  them for prison unique you need to know [TS]

  where you're going to read in prison [TS]

  ok in order to have your your whole like [TS]

  a phoenix rising from the ashes story [TS]

  you've got something to look forward to [TS]

  yeah Malcolm X read the dictionary in [TS]

  prison and that is bullshit first of all [TS]

  but second of all that's like that made [TS]

  yeah that made that my autobiography of [TS]

  malcolm x [TS]

  I mean that's the that is the turning [TS]

  point of them that's the crux like you [TS]

  think that Alex Haley imagining that if [TS]

  he were in prison with all due respect [TS]

  to literally everyone involved right [TS]

  that's out to healthy imagining that he [TS]

  might read the dictionary but in but [TS]

  that had a profound effect on me when I [TS]

  was whatever however old I read it and I [TS]

  was like what am I going to read when i [TS]

  go to prison I i should think about that [TS]

  that's right and I said what what you [TS]

  can't just come out of prison and say [TS]

  like yeah I read a lot of dashiell [TS]

  hammett or I read a lot of i read in [TS]

  Style magazine when I can't get it right [TS]

  I went down to the prison library every [TS]

  week and got like three national [TS]

  Geographics and Henry Huggins like no [TS]

  you have to go into prison with the [TS]

  knowledge that you are there and you're [TS]

  going to read X and in my case in my [TS]

  case it's all its it's all Shakespeare [TS]

  from start to finish and ives i have [TS]

  intentionally i never took a Shakespeare [TS]

  class in college for this very reason [TS]

  you're keeping your powder dry [TS]

  that's exactly honest I I don't want to [TS]

  give up your game here but it seems to [TS]

  me [TS]

  yes you're preparing a little reading [TS]

  list for literally when you are perhaps [TS]

  unjustly blame that matter the point is [TS]

  absolutely and i will be will I will I [TS]

  will have been framed clear which is all [TS]

  the more reason to know what you want to [TS]

  say you read while you were in prison [TS]

  right right so so yes you will set aside [TS]

  some of these sites which are actually i [TS]

  don't want no spoilers but they're [TS]

  actually not that good bye [TS]

  you will come out saying I've learned a [TS]

  lot about myself and I've learned a [TS]

  lesson about love [TS]

  that's right all right all Shakespeare's [TS]

  I read everything i read Shakespeare [TS]

  from front to back you know I haven't [TS]

  been able to avoid reading Shakespeare [TS]

  I've tried but I mean I've had to do it [TS]

  but i have saved a large portions of it [TS]

  for president now as for as for the the [TS]

  subpoena that could come at any moment [TS]

  this is the this is the this is a [TS]

  corollary abhi of the lie detector [TS]

  question which is do you think you could [TS]

  fool a lie detector [TS]

  oh do you think way too many women [TS]

  backup so f lee Bailey says to you [TS]

  counselor [TS]

  do you think you could fool a lie [TS]

  detector and you're ready for that you [TS]

  have the yeah you have to have an answer [TS]

  can these are so go ahead [TS]

  yes it's so number one he get your [TS]

  reading list you get the ring was for [TS]

  prison where you're going on a frame-up [TS]

  job but while you're sitting on while [TS]

  you are testifying cord you have to like [TS]

  we all know the wrong way to do is we [TS]

  all know that you know you you don't [TS]

  break down on the standard admit you [TS]

  committed the crime who you don't look [TS]

  too smug you know you have to have to be [TS]

  personable [TS]

  I mean I'm telling you Europe you're [TS]

  sitting juror you know what it's like [TS]

  I'm sure that the defendant China I [TS]

  couldn't say if I knew haha i'm just now [TS]

  i know that i have heard it is said yeah [TS]

  that conduct during the trial he it is [TS]

  said it is said that [TS]

  it is up to us to decide what evidence [TS]

  we will believe in all or in part and it [TS]

  is said that we that's the royal we know [TS]

  you can also consider like how somebody [TS]

  behaved in the trial which is generally [TS]

  stupid if you behave you generally don't [TS]

  know things you will tend to do better [TS]

  right [TS]

  really really I'm it as opposed to [TS]

  present this again in a week as opposed [TS]

  to appearing like like a smug guy who's [TS]

  running who's got all the answers [TS]

  well you know you're the ones thought [TS]

  this out but i'm just gonna say if you [TS]

  said that yeah I know that like let like [TS]

  like 40 times around you go door [TS]

  yeah that's gonna be problematic if you [TS]

  keep your dick you will repeat the [TS]

  question I was distracted by the fucking [TS]

  fluorescent lights you would you want [TS]

  you want to get you want to get on there [TS]

  and you want to be a homespun get it [TS]

  even very even [TS]

  nice nice nice perfect whatever persona [TS]

  you you have it has to be plausible it [TS]

  is said you gotta stick with it right [TS]

  it has to give you lots of wiggle room [TS]

  for being a dumb s like we should [TS]

  usually gotta go [TS]

  I can read but i'm confused that Ronald [TS]

  Reagan popularized that defense [TS]

  yes he barely remembered anything right [TS]

  and then you know the iran-contra thing [TS]

  like you're either in a stupid or [TS]

  incompetent [TS]

  yeah let the jury figure that out is it [TS]

  is said a jury decide you know how how [TS]

  much on appeal this this podcast is [TS]

  going to be problematic up but that's [TS]

  the wonderful thing about this podcast [TS]

  we very seldom make any reference to [TS]

  dates [TS]

  that's right as simply as you like to [TS]

  say you like them to be evergreen yeah [TS]

  so we did so really anytime after [TS]

  October of 1986 people will still enjoy [TS]

  this even though is literally recorded [TS]

  it so so the speed comes along [TS]

  you're ready you got a bag packed you [TS]

  can get a Cessna Citation yeah is that a [TS]

  safe plane some citations yeah that's [TS]

  the same plane [TS]

  how far can go with that the beechcraft [TS]

  baron let me rephrase the question [TS]

  to your knowledge yeah if you were in [TS]

  the continental United States [TS]

  how far do you think strike that you're [TS]

  ready you got the subpoena subpoena [TS]

  comes along and what's your preparation [TS]

  oh my preparation I mean well you know I [TS]

  mean anything like Rachel like they're [TS]

  they show up at the door and it's just [TS]

  like I don't buy that I'm sorry [TS]

  counselor I'm gonna object that is [TS]

  unresponsive because it seems to me that [TS]

  you must have thought through [TS]

  yeah if you're taking a pattern if I may [TS]

  say as large as subpoena arrives you [TS]

  thought about a general kind of [TS]

  comportment because you have literally [TS]

  no if I could say fucking idea what [TS]

  they're going to subpoena you for the [TS]

  main selling it's like Benjamin Benjamin [TS]

  Benjamin Franklin and spanking right him [TS]

  every day but if you don't know if you [TS]

  don't know what it's for they will write [TS]

  so the spanking of the subpoena you get [TS]

  on something called a citation you show [TS]

  up you borrow a tie you sit down like a [TS]

  fucking gentleman right and you're ready [TS]

  for anything but here there's four [TS]

  possibilities one [TS]

  ok we're not guilty and through your [TS]

  actions you appear not guilty to your [TS]

  interrogators to you are not guilty but [TS]

  through some miss action on your part [TS]

  you appear guilty to your interrogators [TS]

  or either either through some poor [TS]

  action on your part or through prejudice [TS]

  of on their part they say number two is [TS]

  like the seeds of a frame of yeah they [TS]

  discern guilt where there is not and you [TS]

  you in your innocence are unable to [TS]

  dislodge them from this misapprehension [TS]

  third possibility is that you are guilty [TS]

  but succeed in appearing innocent and [TS]

  the fourth obviously is that you are [TS]

  guilty and fail to appear innocent can [TS]

  so in these subpoenas scenarios i have [TS]

  no idea which one [TS]

  well I have no idea whether first of all [TS]

  I'm innocent or guilty of what they're [TS]

  accusing me of [TS]

  because it's very possible that I'm [TS]

  guilty [TS]

  I think spending a lot of time I number [TS]

  with all due respect to the lady in the [TS]

  bathroom spending a good amount of time [TS]

  and number two [TS]

  preparation is a pretty good idea yes [TS]

  because number one number one what [TS]

  you're really saying is like I've been [TS]

  called in here and I'm not your guy like [TS]

  you're wasting your time on me because [TS]

  even if you prove what you're trying to [TS]

  prove I you will not prove enough like [TS]

  it actually didn't do it and I'm not [TS]

  that interesting of for all four [TS]

  scenarios what you are aspiring to [TS]

  appear to be is the guy in the first [TS]

  scenario right in in all in it if you [TS]

  are if you are not guilty and and you [TS]

  are and you appear not guilty right that [TS]

  is what you want to look like even if [TS]

  you are totally guilty so everybody's [TS]

  trying everybody's reflecting back to [TS]

  guy number one and trying to imagine how [TS]

  they can act like him [TS]

  how do you act not guilty but more than [TS]

  not guilty [TS]

  guy number one is not guilty and he [TS]

  shouldn't even be there right [TS]

  not guilty Man's important right not [TS]

  only not 7200 i'm raising an eyebrow [TS]

  because I clearly guy number two [TS]

  seems like our guy let's hear what he [TS]

  has to say [TS]

  number one is is you go like clearly [TS]

  this person is you know incapable of [TS]

  this or there's so much mitigating [TS]

  evidence that this person is like all [TS]

  sorry like into questions you like with [TS]

  all due respect your retard [TS]

  let's move on to like a two three or [TS]

  four well the other the other night i'm [TS]

  driving home I got I got rooked into [TS]

  going to see this dumb fast and furious [TS]

  movie this recent one and i have never [TS]

  been to see any of the other Fast and [TS]

  Furious movies so I had no context for [TS]

  other than I understood that they were [TS]

  going to go fast and that they were [TS]

  furious [TS]

  and so I go to this thing and it's [TS]

  insensible it's just a bunch of their [TS]

  action sequences strung together with [TS]

  with some like like all the actors [TS]

  appeared to be wearing would underpants [TS]

  and there you know and they're reading [TS]

  their reading the bottom back of a [TS]

  cereal box allowed that someone's [TS]

  holding up right off right off camera [TS]

  and then they get in a car there and [TS]

  then it's a good it's exciting for 10 [TS]

  minutes but i'm driving home from the [TS]

  theater it's two o'clock in the morning [TS]

  i'm in my hot little car have a little [TS]

  hot car and I Drive sometimes and i'm [TS]

  driving along and I'm like you know I've [TS]

  just watched a movie where people are [TS]

  really really driving their cars fast [TS]

  and i have that in me too but i know and [TS]

  i know on those stretch from downtown to [TS]

  my house I know all the places where the [TS]

  state troopers hide i'm driving Alana [TS]

  and I and I just get this feeling like [TS]

  what if I just say screw the troopers [TS]

  and just drive like a bat out of hell [TS]

  and so I'm driving along and I'm [TS]

  imagining I'm imagining one then two [TS]

  then three troopers in hot pursuit of me [TS]

  and I'm thinking to myself now if I'm [TS]

  gonna lose these troopers in you know [TS]

  troopers know all the back roads to [TS]

  troopers know a lot of troopers know a [TS]

  lot of the stuff that I know but you [TS]

  know no one expects the Spanish [TS]

  Inquisition and the troopers are not [TS]

  expecting me in my hot little car [TS]

  because you know I grew up driving on [TS]

  ice so I understand how to drift if you [TS]

  get my drift [TS]

  yeah but they get they get like a cop [TS]

  engine cop shocks cop suspensions yeah [TS]

  they do they need a cigarette lighter [TS]

  but they have all that other stuff and [TS]

  I'm thinking how am I going to get away [TS]

  from these troopers and you know if [TS]

  there's a lot of like [TS]

  you're counting on blind corners where [TS]

  you can cig and then you know Zig up and [TS]

  then zap over and then cut you're cut [TS]

  your lights and hope that they keep [TS]

  going straight you have ended up a [TS]

  hopeful cornfield a and I was and I was [TS]

  practicing that I was practicing the [TS]

  routes that I would take home if I were [TS]

  being pursued by cops and I felt pretty [TS]

  good about my chances [TS]

  [Music] [TS]

  pulling up at my point of my house [TS]

  cutting the engine getting out and [TS]

  making it into the inside before they [TS]

  started doing block-to-block searches [TS]

  you know what I mean like they would [TS]

  know they wouldn't know in a short [TS]

  amount of time that that I had that I [TS]

  was in a certain area and then they [TS]

  would just start going block-to-block [TS]

  but my hot little car is a kind of [TS]

  anonymous car it so there are so many of [TS]

  them [TS]

  out-of-the-world it's like it's like you [TS]

  know as your counsel i'm going to say [TS]

  don't say anymore right but you've got a [TS]

  star that is is plausibly capable of [TS]

  arousing the interest of a cop right and [TS]

  Chinese got that that the means the [TS]

  motive and the opportunity to drive fast [TS]

  as a practice run right [TS]

  ok so I'm sitting in my house now and [TS]

  now I'm rehearsing knock on the door now [TS]

  you're gonna open that door right and [TS]

  there's going to be a really angry [TS]

  couple of state troopers standing on the [TS]

  porch and they have come down your block [TS]

  with their spotlight on they found your [TS]

  car that gotten out they put their hands [TS]

  on the hood and it is hot [TS]

  yep encyclopedia brown and how they're [TS]

  standing on your front porch and they [TS]

  and you are here standing there in your [TS]

  bathrobe let's say what what and you are [TS]

  saying good evening [TS]

  can I help you mhm now how you play that [TS]

  because they have not [TS]

  there's no they cannot prove that that [TS]

  was you they didn't get your license [TS]

  number and they're trying to say that [TS]

  because you are let's say driving a [TS]

  green subaru outback with that has [TS]

  recently been running that you're there [TS]

  guy and you are going to stand on the [TS]

  porch and say well they're green subaru [TS]

  outback everywhere its kind of this is [TS]

  so what a suspicious thing to say but [TS]

  you're not going to say that because [TS]

  that's not the first thing out of your [TS]

  mouth they're going to cuff you right [TS]

  away right if you've thought about it so [TS]

  you have to stand there and go through [TS]

  the dance with them will have to be [TS]

  confused and scared clatters is there [TS]

  yeah that's right confused and scared [TS]

  but how how to act confused and scared [TS]

  in your bathrobe in the night and how to [TS]

  gradually make the transition to a kind [TS]

  of indignant like are you accusing me of [TS]

  something [TS]

  yeah I'm a homeowner right and then make [TS]

  it all the way to [TS]

  well I you know I like to help the [TS]

  police as much as I can but I don't like [TS]

  your tone sir [TS]

  like how to get how to smooth that all [TS]

  the way from one from like what with the [TS]

  knot with the certain knowledge that you [TS]

  are guilty you know and you're standing [TS]

  there in your bathrobe [TS]

  [Music] [TS]

  as a as as a plus play-acting boy that's [TS]

  a that stuff you've got to be a real [TS]

  you-know-what you gotta rehearse that [TS]

  you do you have to practice it right [TS]

  side so I'm so I practicing it all the [TS]

  time so if it i mean you know i [TS]

  mentioned and sex maybe your breath on [TS]

  because that is truly one of the great [TS]

  one of the great stories [TS]

  yeah you know if you can put your baby [TS]

  on the hood of the car it's obviously [TS]

  not been driven so they come out they [TS]

  feel your hood if I could say yeah and [TS]

  they go [TS]

  this is somebody worth talking to that's [TS]

  right that's right right so that not he [TS]

  fits the criteria like he's within his [TS]

  five block area is a his apostle his [TS]

  super or similar right is hot it's hot [TS]

  and so now you're your job is to [TS]

  obfuscate that's right you know we're [TS]

  gonna cut all this out but I mean you [TS]

  know what idea might be to keep some [TS]

  some Marlboros and diapers by the door [TS]

  uh-huh and just said well yeah obviously [TS]

  we're gonna be wearing a bathrobe i went [TS]

  to the store what's the matter [TS]

  no now here's the thing you show up with [TS]

  in your bathroom with a fake baby or not [TS]

  in your arms and you say oh I know what [TS]

  this is about [TS]

  I forgot to pay for these diapers or [TS]

  snickers bars uh interesting because you [TS]

  know what red herring [TS]

  yeah red herring said that you think you [TS]

  can you get a reason like I'm nervous [TS]

  I'm nervous because I feel like a bad [TS]

  person because knowing you you've got a [TS]

  baby in your arm and you open the door [TS]

  you say what did that bitch say i did [TS]

  now right and they're like what and [TS]

  you're like oh my god classic misdirect [TS]

  she won't get off my jock nah mi right [TS]

  she won't get off my jock nah mi right [TS]

  yeah did I ever tell you about the time [TS]

  I tried to run from the cops know just I [TS]

  don't like you have actually tried to [TS]

  run from economy in here so is back in [TS]

  the eighties and this guy I knew in [TS]

  spokane who who's his dad recently died [TS]

  and he bought a brand-new 4runner toyota [TS]

  4runner which was the coolest car any of [TS]

  us could think of at the time you know [TS]

  because that was during the era when we [TS]

  like we were like mountain ski bum types [TS]

  i was a mountain ski ski bum s aspirin [TS]

  it's like a sexy mini mini van meets a [TS]

  range rover that's like a [TS]

  four-wheel-drive but i but i'm still the [TS]

  the original 4runners are still small [TS]

  scale so that they felt like a it felt [TS]

  like a jeep kind of rig but it but it's [TS]

  seated four or six people you know it [TS]

  was kind of like the proto SUV before [TS]

  there was such a thing as an SUV and he [TS]

  said that he was going over to to [TS]

  seattle we were in spokane he was going [TS]

  over to Seattle because he wanted to see [TS]

  a show a rock show [TS]

  and so this is nineteen eighty let's say [TS]

  1988 and I have spent years trying to [TS]

  figure out what rock show it was because [TS]

  in 1988 in seattle dis kid's book and [TS]

  wants to make the trip over the [TS]

  mountains to see this rock show at the [TS]

  central tavern it had to have been some [TS]

  amazing Rock Show and at the time I [TS]

  didn't recognize the name of the band I [TS]

  was just like oh you're going to seattle [TS]

  like can I tag along and he's like yeah [TS]

  sure you can set you know you can split [TS]

  the driving with me [TS]

  and so we head out of spokane but for [TS]

  whatever reason we don't take the [TS]

  interstate we take the we take the small [TS]

  road we take the the upper road which is [TS]

  like two lane highway rolled the other [TS]

  the the blue highways has a has a [TS]

  billion at all says that's right we take [TS]

  the blue highways that's actually a book [TS]

  blue highways about about taking the [TS]

  blue highways anyway we're driving and [TS]

  we're driving it gets it gets to be [TS]

  night it turns out that taking the blue [TS]

  highways was a bad idea because what [TS]

  what was a five hour drive to seattle [TS]

  became like an 11-hour drive because we [TS]

  were stopping all these one-horse towns [TS]

  for their one style and it stopped like [TS]

  they're monitoring yeah and so in a [TS]

  certain point this guy's name was chris [TS]

  he says I'm gonna climb in the back and [TS]

  try and get some sleep you drive and I'm [TS]

  like okay I'm driving so here we go [TS]

  we're gonna make up some time and we're [TS]

  going across the Cascade Mountains and [TS]

  I'm kind of putting them you know put [TS]

  the pedal down as we say and there and [TS]

  the fog is coming in and it's nighttime [TS]

  and we're going through this little [TS]

  mountain road and we come through this [TS]

  town little like you know wide spot in [TS]

  the road kind of town and I'm i'm kinda [TS]

  haulin ass and it's one of these towns [TS]

  where the speed limit drop down to 25 [TS]

  right and i'm still at 65 and I blow by [TS]

  this cop and I look at him and he looks [TS]

  at me and we look at each other might [TS]

  like you're smoking the bending moment I [TS]

  did kind of right absolutely i look at [TS]

  it and he actually throws hat you he's [TS]

  he was I mean it was the type of thing [TS]

  where you like a cake did a spit-take of [TS]

  his sandwich he spilled his coffee in [TS]

  his lap and he was like don't those Duke [TS]

  boys and I said fuck it and I spy [TS]

  florida and i'm like it's foggy it's [TS]

  nighttime [TS]

  I'm a four-wheel-drive truck the odds [TS]

  are on my [TS]

  inside I i I'm a four-wheel-drive truck [TS]

  i'm 19 like I've got this and so I stay [TS]

  on the highway for a little bit haulin [TS]

  ass and as soon as i can start to see [TS]

  his his flashers is rollers like in the [TS]

  distance like reflecting off the fog in [TS]

  my rearview mirror I hang a right off of [TS]

  the main road onto like a dirtside road [TS]

  which leads back into a kind of like [TS]

  side part of this town and I go up three [TS]

  blocks over two blocks take a left and [TS]

  pull in and I'm trying I'm gonna pull [TS]

  into the driveway of a house [TS]

  kill the lights but i kinda pull in to [TS]

  the front yard of this house and I kill [TS]

  the lights [TS]

  I pull the emergency brake & duck and [TS]

  duck my head now and Chris in the back [TS]

  still asleep and I sit there for like [TS]

  123 and then cop from the left cop from [TS]

  the right cops in every direction [TS]

  [Music] [TS]

  cops everywhere and i had failed to lose [TS]

  these cops God and so they get me out of [TS]

  the car super mad and they say what the [TS]

  what [TS]

  you know like what's your story and i [TS]

  say my story was I didn't see him I was [TS]

  just driving and I was going a little [TS]

  fast because I really had to pee and I [TS]

  pulled off the road looking for a place [TS]

  to pee and i ended up so I need to pee [TS]

  so bad that I stayed stopped here and [TS]

  the cop said he's pulled up on the [TS]

  person's lon [TS]

  he you're driving in the mountains and [TS]

  you went into a town and at four blocks [TS]

  in three blocks over and pull down real [TS]

  persons long to be that's your story he [TS]

  said you look me in the eye and I said I [TS]

  did I swear to you I didn't see you i [TS]

  was just very distracted by meeting to [TS]

  pee and so they pull Chris out on the [TS]

  back of the truck you know [TS]

  out of a deep sleep so he was asleep for [TS]

  the end it's exactly entire chase he [TS]

  wakes up surrounded by cops now and it's [TS]

  his he's got the title on that it's his [TS]

  truck and the cop says what's this guy's [TS]

  name [TS]

  well who's that who's the driver how do [TS]

  you know him and chris said I John [TS]

  something I'm not sure [TS]

  and the cops like you don't know this [TS]

  guy and he's like well I mean not really [TS]

  he's the Chris was like a scandalous key [TS]

  was a skater dude and kind of students [TS]

  didn't say a lot so he was given the cop [TS]

  one word answers but but it and I didn't [TS]

  realize like Chris had no idea what my [TS]

  name was John Jim Joe and so I sit there [TS]

  and just stick to my guns stick to this [TS]

  like Ludacris story that I was just [TS]

  looking for a place to be man and I [TS]

  swear I said you know like I would never [TS]

  run from the cops [TS]

  what am i stupid and event and this [TS]

  thick coat the carpet that looked at me [TS]

  he was a plastic with rage but there was [TS]

  no there was no pic you know that they [TS]

  really they tried to pull a good cop bad [TS]

  cop thing and eventually I heard the one [TS]

  saying like there's nothing we can do [TS]

  about it you just have to let it go [TS]

  really and they gave me a ticket for [TS]

  speeding [TS]

  happy they had me on the radar and then [TS]

  and they said they told chris not to let [TS]

  me drive anymore [TS]

  that's so fruity I can't believe it and [TS]

  run you in we drove away [TS]

  yes crazy yeah let me off when you know [TS]

  years later that would have been like [TS]

  one of the three strikes during the [TS]

  three strike years [TS]

  sure evading what would you do [TS]

  differently today I mean you know given [TS]

  the same that lets say you for whatever [TS]

  reason really had to get similar and you [TS]

  know you had your reasons it was [TS]

  Cannonball Run let's say yeah [TS]

  yet the year always occurs as the new [TS]

  yorker would say that yet i really get [TS]

  it somewhere [TS]

  Roger Moore hello and and so he will [TS]

  look for whatever reason you have you [TS]

  had your reasons you're driving fast [TS]

  maybe had to get to a show or whatever [TS]

  right or a blog [TS]

  I into a blog here had to get to a blog [TS]

  you're driving a vast yeah what would [TS]

  you do differently today like starting [TS]

  starting at the whole like I'm on the [TS]

  open road does it begin with like I'm a [TS]

  grown man and I don't have to drive fast [TS]

  or yeah yeah i think that i have i have [TS]

  dealt with speed traps you know during [TS]

  that during the the touring years where [TS]

  I was you know doing tens of thousands [TS]

  of miles of highway time a year the [TS]

  whole speed trap game is just not one [TS]

  that it's just not worth rolling the [TS]

  dice on oh that does this really add up [TS]

  yeah you just you roll into West Texas [TS]

  and as dumb as it is you just know that [TS]

  you're you're gonna go 55 for a while [TS]

  this happens in Florida whenever when I [TS]

  would go on like I 75 or you know US 19 [TS]

  or whatever you would you get that I [TS]

  think what you're describing if I hear [TS]

  you correctly counselor is that like you [TS]

  would suddenly go from 55 or I guess [TS]

  what's the upper speed limit like 70 I [TS]

  don't Alice now I think it's 70 years [TS]

  ago that's 80 maybe some places in [TS]

  Wyoming but have been in florida it [TS]

  would not be unusual to go from whatever [TS]

  the upper limit is two like here's a [TS]

  little sign to let you know it's a 55 [TS]

  and here's this one that's really hard [TS]

  to see about how it's now 10 [TS]

  yeah that's sign beside behind a large [TS]

  rhododendron right exactly and then you [TS]

  get the blinking red light which you [TS]

  know kind of says you know and it's a [TS]

  pretty light [TS]

  let's be honest be honest and you see [TS]

  skate through it and what I mean you [TS]

  know your I think there's first of all a [TS]

  lot of people to legitimately have to [TS]

  pee [TS]

  yes they want to get the to the cracker [TS]

  barrel it's a real problem they want to [TS]

  get a tarpaulin at the walmart whatever [TS]

  reason and i'm not here to judge i'm not [TS]

  an expert we're making a campsite maybe [TS]

  they're camping with their RV many [TS]

  tarpaulin maybe they need to cut some [TS]

  trail but they the point is that that [TS]

  does happen like for people who don't [TS]

  travel like that's a real thing that the [TS]

  like from like [TS]

  maximum speed limit to easily bustable [TS]

  speed limit [TS]

  maybe like half a mile or a mile yeah [TS]

  and I don't mess around with him anymore [TS]

  i just i see this because i've been i've [TS]

  been nailed in so many speed traps [TS]

  somewhere i have tried to run from the [TS]

  cops somewhere have mostly I have not [TS]

  but that's not your margins are not huge [TS]

  right like you cannot afford a [TS]

  two-hundred-dollar ticket [TS]

  well the famous story the first time I [TS]

  ever met not a surf they got both over [TS]

  they were smoking in France you have [TS]

  pulled over and once the out in West [TS]

  Texas and the the cop walked up and he [TS]

  was in that you know in the end IRA the [TS]

  drummer roll down the window and couples [TS]

  like all right boy I can smell the [TS]

  reefer so either I get a bunch of dogs [TS]

  out here and we go through your whole [TS]

  truck and car and everything and I find [TS]

  it and then i'm out i'm not gonna be a [TS]

  gentle harder easy dreadlock that's [TS]

  right or you can just tell me you show [TS]

  me the pot right now land IRA in his [TS]

  stone drummer dumbness was like okay [TS]

  here's our pot about the bank bottle [TS]

  summer everybody out of a van and he put [TS]

  them in jail no in stripy pajamas with [TS]

  this lease right hotshot with tents [TS]

  maybe put him in striped pajamas with [TS]

  the little stripy pillbox hat that's [TS]

  flat and they were on their way to [TS]

  austin to play you know to play Big Show [TS]

  right time and we're going to play [TS]

  together and and I'm sorry John [TS]

  they've got has like folded up and just [TS]

  sitting around [TS]

  yeah it's not something where you go to [TS]

  like so here's the thing there's jail is [TS]

  prison counselor get like the jail which [TS]

  is a place where you go for a sub felony [TS]

  offense for usually if i understand [TS]

  correctly counselor less than a year and [TS]

  then present prison is a put this [TS]

  program [TS]

  what uh-huh you go to a place then when [TS]

  once you're sentenced and eat in prison [TS]

  is where you go to serve your term and [TS]

  like if you're in some place like that [TS]

  you know crazy guy in Arizona [TS]

  no you sleep in a tent and give your [TS]

  pink clothes but like my sense once you [TS]

  be mainly where cities when you're in [TS]

  like overnight jail [TS]

  yeah i mean they don't ya when overnight [TS]

  jail usually the resources just working [TS]

  jamas know these were humiliation [TS]

  pajamas [TS]

  these were these were stripy jail [TS]

  pajamas so that they could take your [TS]

  picture it there with their little the [TS]

  little pillbox hat on [TS]

  they can take your picture and laugh and [TS]

  laugh and laugh I'm sure they have photo [TS]

  albums at that jail [TS]

  oh I'm am sure they put Willie Nelson in [TS]

  those i'm sure they put everybody in [TS]

  numbers but I'm sure you got a picture [TS]

  of her head faced alec baldwin right [TS]

  foot on this brassiere [TS]

  here you go boy change into these wait [TS]

  gonna take no risk to you hang yourself [TS]

  with it that's a jailbird shoelaces [TS]

  so the next night were all waiting at [TS]

  the show with the venue like are they [TS]

  gonna make it are they not you know they [TS]

  had to build themselves out of this [TS]

  fuckin Jail this West Texas chill so I [TS]

  don't mess around with speed traps I [TS]

  just slow the fuck down that's what they [TS]

  want only to buy I think very carefully [TS]

  have already grown because because like [TS]

  I don't have a giant sense of this and [TS]

  like I I what I do know is this that [TS]

  whatever your plan [TS]

  I should not even say this because this [TS]

  might be admissible counselor but [TS]

  whatever your plan is it should be up a [TS]

  plan that comports with your default [TS]

  freakout nature and your default [TS]

  freakout nature is you clam up like [TS]

  that's ok but for me my default clam up [TS]

  nature might be like your friend the [TS]

  drummer which is like Doug here's what I [TS]

  did wrong and ok right you're right I [TS]

  killed her [TS]

  okay so you got me you got me Cletus but [TS]

  like what if you and I don't know if you [TS]

  have this kind of control or access but [TS]

  what you literally shat yourself like as [TS]

  your king pulled over now you may call [TS]

  that the ted nugent thank you [TS]

  we're done here [TS]

  [Music] [TS]