Roderick on the Line

Ep. 55: "A Welsh Troll"


00:00:00   hello hi John [TS]

00:00:07   hi Merlin hi how are you [TS]

00:00:11   more than men how are you you sound like [TS]

00:00:17   a lot going on [TS]

00:00:18   no you know i'm so dizzy yeah you're a [TS]

00:00:21   busy person i'm so dizzy I think people [TS]

00:00:25   say that [TS]

00:00:26   busy busy busy busy now I love life is [TS]

00:00:29   like a glass like a big closet [TS]

00:00:30   you know you're always gonna you're [TS]

00:00:32   gonna fill up every one of them no [TS]

00:00:33   matter what [TS]

00:00:34   absolutely true you know people say [TS]

00:00:36   they're busy because i think it's [TS]

00:00:39   indisputable that most other people in [TS]

00:00:42   the world are not doing anything you're [TS]

00:00:45   not busy at all and the so those few [TS]

00:00:48   people who are busy who say I'm really [TS]

00:00:50   busy right now they are the better git [TS]

00:00:53   er done errs for the actual busy people [TS]

00:00:55   and we should support them with all of [TS]

00:00:57   our efforts i got mixed feelings because [TS]

00:01:00   when i say i'm busy it usually means one [TS]

00:01:03   of a couple things and they're both my [TS]

00:01:05   fault [TS]

00:01:06   no I'm never if I I mean I'm a [TS]

00:01:08   disgusting the nature of what I quote [TS]

00:01:11   unquote do it since there's never time [TS]

00:01:13   that I should be too busy unless I you [TS]

00:01:15   have chosen to be too busy mean because [TS]

00:01:18   I'm really its kind of trip everybody [TS]

00:01:19   when they like to admit it or not but [TS]

00:01:21   yeah I with me it means i have [TS]

00:01:22   overcommitted or a plan poorly or all in [TS]

00:01:28   the midst of all that i'm just not being [TS]

00:01:30   very good our effective if you like [TS]

00:01:33   yeah I I whenever I say I'm busy I could [TS]

00:01:37   just replace that with i'm behind the [TS]

00:01:39   8-ball i'm behind the eight ball that's [TS]

00:01:42   what I mean [TS]

00:01:43   screams I'm sitting in a room right now [TS]

00:01:45   that is basically just boxes and bags of [TS]

00:01:49   things that I haven't attended to and [TS]

00:01:52   the boxes and bags are stacked on other [TS]

00:01:54   boxes and bags until I'm like a I'm like [TS]

00:01:59   a hoarder person where you can only get [TS]

00:02:01   to my computer desk through a corridor [TS]

00:02:03   through a corridor just like stacked [TS]

00:02:08   olds cat food cans [TS]

00:02:12   these newspapers tied with tied with [TS]

00:02:16   ramen noodles and a little taste of the [TS]

00:02:20   orient in your home organization and i'm [TS]

00:02:22   just i'm behind the eight ball just even [TS]

00:02:24   walk in here and like a behind the eight [TS]

00:02:25   ball [TS]

00:02:26   well I hate to admit tonight that I know [TS]

00:02:28   this but there are stages to hoarding [TS]

00:02:31   and there are like they're like in the [TS]

00:02:33   same way you look at dsm you know this [TS]

00:02:35   all the are you a person who has you [TS]

00:02:37   know depression with them some kind of [TS]

00:02:39   some kind of sex thing [TS]

00:02:41   yeah it's a role-playing thing is the [TS]

00:02:43   DSM guide mhm [TS]

00:02:45   oh the diagnostic stimulation modulator [TS]

00:02:49   4got sybian sibilance is that is a UH [TS]

00:02:55   that gosh where do i begin first of all [TS]

00:02:58   it's it's it's all I can do not turn [TS]

00:03:00   this into you know one of those other [TS]

00:03:01   shows right about bad stuff stages of [TS]

00:03:04   stages according to their stations [TS]

00:03:05   reporting and you know it's a I had I [TS]

00:03:07   had a reason and one point my life to [TS]

00:03:09   learn about these things their family [TS]

00:03:10   you're into my house do you feel like [TS]

00:03:12   I'm on the hoarding continuum John we're [TS]

00:03:15   all on the horn continue and that's only [TS]

00:03:17   two continuum you're right you're right [TS]

00:03:18   everybody's a little special mi mi [TS]

00:03:21   somewhere out along the horn continuum [TS]

00:03:24   as you can jaan i'm not a hoarding [TS]

00:03:27   clinician right but yeah there's that I [TS]

00:03:31   forget how many faces there are but [TS]

00:03:34   there's once you're it's you know it [TS]

00:03:36   again once you want to become aware [TS]

00:03:38   something it's hard to stop seeing it [TS]

00:03:39   everywhere and i have to tell you that [TS]

00:03:41   I'm pretty sure one of the middle phases [TS]

00:03:43   is paths [TS]

00:03:45   uh-huh right when you believe we have to [TS]

00:03:47   blaze trails through stuff I think [TS]

00:03:50   you're I think you're on the ec [TS]

00:03:51   exceedingly slightly more special part [TS]

00:03:54   of a continuum that's like when you when [TS]

00:03:56   you buy of a Volkswagen bug and then all [TS]

00:03:59   of a sudden you see Volkswagen bugs [TS]

00:04:00   everywhere i didn't know i think this i [TS]

00:04:03   think this is a version of an [TS]

00:04:05   availability heuristic that you make [TS]

00:04:07   decisions about what's going on in the [TS]

00:04:09   world based on the information that's [TS]

00:04:10   available to you in your own experience [TS]

00:04:12   right right for instance i never used to [TS]

00:04:15   see PT Cruisers at all [TS]

00:04:17   thank god you're lucky i know i had a PT [TS]

00:04:20   Cruiser screen on my consciousness like [TS]

00:04:22   a filter that came down [TS]

00:04:24   let a little like a little protective [TS]

00:04:25   advisor it was a protective visor a [TS]

00:04:27   mental visor that screened out PT [TS]

00:04:30   Cruisers but then one time Kathleen [TS]

00:04:32   Edwards came here to visit me and she [TS]

00:04:33   rented a PT Cruiser so cute and we're [TS]

00:04:37   driving around town in his PT cruiser [TS]

00:04:39   and all of a sudden i'm a member of the [TS]

00:04:40   PT Cruiser fraternity and people are [TS]

00:04:43   like PB pie other PT Cruisers everywhere [TS]

00:04:46   and I and I have to see them i'm in one [TS]

00:04:50   and it did change me forever and not in [TS]

00:04:53   a good way [TS]

00:04:54   no no I I feel the same way uh ever [TS]

00:04:57   since I was a little kid [TS]

00:04:58   this is probably a phenomenon with the [TS]

00:05:00   name but you you feel like you have [TS]

00:05:01   there's a word that you haven't heard [TS]

00:05:03   your whole life and then one day you [TS]

00:05:05   hear it and then that same day you hear [TS]

00:05:06   it again and so either you heard that [TS]

00:05:09   word before and you didn't remember it [TS]

00:05:11   when there's some you know you know dark [TS]

00:05:14   matter what and when you say it's [TS]

00:05:16   probably the name you mean your name [TS]

00:05:18   Merlin Mann never heard it that advisor [TS]

00:05:20   protect advisor what you know what I [TS]

00:05:23   hate is a legitimate so what the first [TS]

00:05:25   time somebody's on abracadabra to you [TS]

00:05:26   you're like a boy and a man but you know [TS]

00:05:31   you gotta hate and unintentional [TS]

00:05:33   left-handed compliment at a job [TS]

00:05:35   my wife had a few years ago her boss was [TS]

00:05:38   just talking about you know whatever [TS]

00:05:39   like you do in office cuz you know [TS]

00:05:41   really work in an office and and she [TS]

00:05:44   said and then have you ever seen those [TS]

00:05:46   PT Cruisers and she's like yeah sure [TS]

00:05:48   just that seems like the kind of car you [TS]

00:05:50   drive [TS]

00:05:51   oh and you know I think that's the way I [TS]

00:05:54   think that's a way of saying to somebody [TS]

00:05:55   that you really knows mostly through [TS]

00:05:57   work as a way of saying you're a fun [TS]

00:05:59   like kinky individual Oh interesting [TS]

00:06:03   it's a kicky it's a it's a quirky cards [TS]

00:06:05   like ya on ya can tech this is from a [TS]

00:06:08   lady this is from a lady has reached [TS]

00:06:10   that kind of menopausal age we start [TS]

00:06:11   wearing a lot of chunky jewelry and [TS]

00:06:12   saying what's on your mind you know but [TS]

00:06:14   she wasn't saying it unkind way [TS]

00:06:16   no no she meant that Madeline was a was [TS]

00:06:18   like a funky gal it totally and it's you [TS]

00:06:21   know the things that we buy for other [TS]

00:06:23   people as present as an example is [TS]

00:06:25   another example usually say much more [TS]

00:06:26   about us than it does about the other [TS]

00:06:28   person often it shows that we have bad [TS]

00:06:29   judgment and no taste [TS]

00:06:31   well i hope that Madeline enjoys the the [TS]

00:06:33   pearl handle derringers I border for [TS]

00:06:35   Christmas she treasures them [TS]

00:06:37   she was gonna give her anything with [TS]

00:06:39   pearl on it that's good [TS]

00:06:41   it's a but you know that's that seem [TS]

00:06:42   like a sweet thing to say but do you [TS]

00:06:44   know gosh where I even begin I want to [TS]

00:06:45   get back to the hoarding but yeah yeah [TS]

00:06:47   you know it's like when you're a little [TS]

00:06:49   kid and you know you know exactly the [TS]

00:06:51   kind of GI joe that you want like a very [TS]

00:06:54   specific my case files in the big gym [TS]

00:06:56   for a while we just him [TS]

00:06:58   yeah which is kind of like a bicurious [TS]

00:06:59   GI joe who likes to go to the beach how [TS]

00:07:01   about Stretch Armstrong did you have a [TS]

00:07:03   stretch arms from test marketed for [TS]

00:07:04   kenner what [TS]

00:07:06   how are you the kid that got to [TS]

00:07:08   test-market Stretch Armstrong general [TS]

00:07:10   did you ever have a really cool little [TS]

00:07:12   car called an SST we pulled the t-strap [TS]

00:07:14   and flies across the floor [TS]

00:07:16   test marketed I stories right saw them I [TS]

00:07:19   never had one myself another broken by [TS]

00:07:21   your mother up the wizard the wizard top [TS]

00:07:24   this tops it goes across the floor yeah [TS]

00:07:27   I was a test marketer for counter toys [TS]

00:07:29   when I was a child [TS]

00:07:30   how did you get this gig i was bored in [TS]

00:07:33   class and I i think what happens counter [TS]

00:07:36   and Family Services encounter was is [TS]

00:07:37   based in Cincinnati or at least has a [TS]

00:07:39   big outpost there right this is the kind [TS]

00:07:41   of thing you can do in a public school [TS]

00:07:42   in the seventies is you would take a [TS]

00:07:44   mean let's be honest it was the smart [TS]

00:07:45   kids the kids they could afford to just [TS]

00:07:47   miss the whole class to go play with the [TS]

00:07:48   toy and please don't ever make the other [TS]

00:07:50   kids love us they want to thank you baby [TS]

00:07:52   love you test market toys in school to [TS]

00:07:54   me Jenny balcom Billy shallower we did [TS]

00:07:57   they take us out the second let's go and [TS]

00:07:59   and all the kids who star who already [TS]

00:08:00   done with work they get to go play with [TS]

00:08:01   toys for the other kids haha I you thank [TS]

00:08:04   you thank you hate me too [TS]

00:08:07   that's terrible yeah I mean it's [TS]

00:08:09   wonderful but it's terribly awful i hate [TS]

00:08:11   me 2 i'm like a PT Cruiser oh you know [TS]

00:08:14   what I had to do I had to pretend I was [TS]

00:08:15   sick and go to the nurse's office to how [TS]

00:08:18   do you have a method did you put that [TS]

00:08:19   you put a thermometer under your arm up [TS]

00:08:21   against the light or anything like that [TS]

00:08:23   oh no I file it i mean you want to see [TS]

00:08:25   right through you actually have to get a [TS]

00:08:27   disease [TS]

00:08:28   clearly i was sick when I was never you [TS]

00:08:31   know it's funny we had cats my whole [TS]

00:08:34   life growing up and I'm allergic to cats [TS]

00:08:36   so I always orders was a little sick [TS]

00:08:41   oh really you're like you're like will [TS]

00:08:42   ring you have to constantly call upon [TS]

00:08:44   your healing abilities in order just to [TS]

00:08:46   stay alive and that causes baseline [TS]

00:08:48   paint you all the time [TS]

00:08:49   exactly there's there's [TS]

00:08:50   many ways in which I'm like wolverine [TS]

00:08:52   that is one of the ways radians fuck you [TS]

00:08:54   up with all that metal that's not going [TS]

00:08:56   to go into it [TS]

00:08:57   marbut so so nobody ever thought maybe [TS]

00:09:00   this kid is allergic to cats so I had a [TS]

00:09:03   constant scratchy cough and runny nose [TS]

00:09:05   for I'm serious now 14 years your eyes [TS]

00:09:08   you get the eyes itchy eyes and so I [TS]

00:09:11   would sit in class and if I wanted to [TS]

00:09:13   if class was boring i wanted to get out [TS]

00:09:15   i would just be like I've really thick [TS]

00:09:17   right down and they sent me to the [TS]

00:09:19   nurse's office and I I'd lay on the way [TS]

00:09:21   on the cot in the nurse's office and [TS]

00:09:23   count the dots in the ceiling tile you [TS]

00:09:27   can call upon your your your conquest [TS]

00:09:29   space fantasies for really any room [TS]

00:09:32   where you can be supplied [TS]

00:09:33   yeah i just want this one to go [TS]

00:09:35   somewhere lay down have him turn the [TS]

00:09:37   lights down a little bit and then leave [TS]

00:09:38   me the leave me alone and you know and [TS]

00:09:40   they thought i was sleeping but I was [TS]

00:09:42   just you know what you needed you needed [TS]

00:09:43   fake chronic migraines [TS]

00:09:46   oh interesting many people are very [TS]

00:09:48   think about it it's one of those things [TS]

00:09:49   the etiology is really tough you can [TS]

00:09:51   look at somebody and tell whether they [TS]

00:09:53   do or don't have a migraine is they're [TS]

00:09:55   really good at looking like they have a [TS]

00:09:56   migraine [TS]

00:09:57   well or chronic fatigue syndrome no I [TS]

00:09:59   don't want to get into chronic fatigue [TS]

00:10:00   syndrome because i believe it's a real [TS]

00:10:01   thing and there are people who is well [TS]

00:10:04   the people who suffer from it are very [TS]

00:10:06   very serious about it being real thing [TS]

00:10:09   and and they have impressed upon me that [TS]

00:10:11   if it is a real thing and no one [TS]

00:10:15   believes you [TS]

00:10:16   that is got to be a terrible terrible [TS]

00:10:18   fate right to be like completely sick [TS]

00:10:22   and you're essentially telling somebody [TS]

00:10:24   that they're either insane a liar or [TS]

00:10:26   both [TS]

00:10:27   yeah right these people go to the doctor [TS]

00:10:28   and they're like I feel like I can [TS]

00:10:31   barely function and the doctors like [TS]

00:10:33   you're imagining it [TS]

00:10:34   uh huh you know and for years this goes [TS]

00:10:36   on so I i won't make I won't make jokes [TS]

00:10:38   about chronic fatigue syndrome x6 that [TS]

00:10:41   helped except that it does sound like [TS]

00:10:44   they're faking it sound like it but you [TS]

00:10:46   know there's there's a funny thing in [TS]

00:10:47   medicine as you know not physician but [TS]

00:10:49   there are a range of things where they [TS]

00:10:51   know that there's a condition that [TS]

00:10:52   exists but there's no etiology for it [TS]

00:10:56   and there's no test for proving that [TS]

00:10:57   exists right and having one of those [TS]

00:10:59   things suck [TS]

00:11:00   x sucks it sucks and that chronic [TS]

00:11:02   fatigue syndrome is one you know what I [TS]

00:11:04   gotta tell you up until and you're gonna [TS]

00:11:06   get you know about this but up until the [TS]

00:11:08   last few years I was pretty sure that [TS]

00:11:11   kids with food allergies was mostly a [TS]

00:11:13   fake things my thought it was maybe a [TS]

00:11:15   doting mother or something you know but [TS]

00:11:18   it's like why did why is it suddenly [TS]

00:11:19   everybody has food allergies and it [TS]

00:11:21   didn't use to be [TS]

00:11:22   oh yeah tell you the truth I don't know [TS]

00:11:24   why that is and I kind of don't care [TS]

00:11:25   because now i do I have a friend whose [TS]

00:11:28   kid to Justin brief when they knew that [TS]

00:11:32   like once I'm healing touch the piece of [TS]

00:11:33   cheese and it looks like a tattoo on his [TS]

00:11:35   arm [TS]

00:11:36   whoa yeah just from like a little piece [TS]

00:11:37   of it took me to get tested [TS]

00:11:39   yeah and they started with i think an [TS]

00:11:41   eighth of a teaspoon of milk and I think [TS]

00:11:45   it's such a horrible story said mom I [TS]

00:11:47   feel crazy I feel weird or something in [TS]

00:11:50   his eyes rolled back in his head he went [TS]

00:11:52   into anaphylactic shock and they had to [TS]

00:11:54   give him like two or three EpiPen shots [TS]

00:11:56   and taken to the emergency room he [TS]

00:11:57   almost died at the hospital [TS]

00:11:59   holy cats yeah yeah so like he's so when [TS]

00:12:02   you hear stuff when i first heard like [TS]

00:12:03   there's a little lactose intolerance [TS]

00:12:05   what you're saying that he's a little [TS]

00:12:06   lactose intolerant but here's the thing [TS]

00:12:09   imagine now the this this wonderful that [TS]

00:12:12   the parents he has a good friend of mine [TS]

00:12:14   and she's a pistol begin with and [TS]

00:12:16   crystal sheer all she's assisting your [TS]

00:12:19   son and more like when you follow her on [TS]

00:12:21   Twitter she's very this isn't this is a [TS]

00:12:23   non-public story meeting grouper their [TS]

00:12:25   kid has an extreme allergy and she [TS]

00:12:28   carries EpiPens everywhere and she's [TS]

00:12:30   ready but you know the thing is i have [TS]

00:12:32   to say like a few years ago i got when i [TS]

00:12:34   was a kid I remember Julie schlessinger [TS]

00:12:37   didn't like oranges so she had to wait [TS]

00:12:41   in line for a banana [TS]

00:12:42   oh and she would cry and now now that [TS]

00:12:45   might have been a food allergy but no [TS]

00:12:46   kid I knew that stuff that they just [TS]

00:12:48   couldn't eat because they would get sick [TS]

00:12:49   that I knew of [TS]

00:12:51   yeah yeah but I am a hundred percent [TS]

00:12:52   positive that israel now but this is the [TS]

00:12:55   problem with are both being from our [TS]

00:12:57   generation and before [TS]

00:12:58   mmm this is that this is one of those i [TS]

00:13:01   remember the first time I heard the [TS]

00:13:04   first well and the first time I heard a [TS]

00:13:05   DD i was in a psychologist's office [TS]

00:13:09   psychiatrist's office actually and he [TS]

00:13:12   said [TS]

00:13:13   I want you to sit in front of this [TS]

00:13:15   computer and and play this game and i [TS]

00:13:18   sat in front of a computer and i played [TS]

00:13:20   this game where things flashed at me and [TS]

00:13:22   I was supposed to choose this thing or [TS]

00:13:25   that thing and then something shot [TS]

00:13:27   across the screen and I was supposed to [TS]

00:13:29   choose between two options and I get to [TS]

00:13:32   the end of this not very fun game and he [TS]

00:13:35   goes well here's the problem you have [TS]

00:13:39   attention deficit disorder who and I [TS]

00:13:42   said what's that he said oh it's this [TS]

00:13:45   new diagnosis where people who are [TS]

00:13:51   people who are struggling to integrate [TS]

00:13:56   themselves into the world's it turns out [TS]

00:13:58   that you are not lazy or dumb [TS]

00:14:01   it's just that you can't stay focused on [TS]

00:14:04   things and there's a medicine for that [TS]

00:14:06   and I said I was old enough at this [TS]

00:14:11   point I like 17 that i was at and I had [TS]

00:14:16   been going to psychologist for a long [TS]

00:14:18   time that I was suspicious of them and I [TS]

00:14:20   was suspicious of this diagnosis as I [TS]

00:14:22   think a lot of people were at first a TD [TS]

00:14:25   what the hell is that [TS]

00:14:26   attention deficit disorder what is that [TS]

00:14:28   mhm and then attempted attention deficit [TS]

00:14:31   hyperactivity disorder and these these [TS]

00:14:32   were things when we were in when we were [TS]

00:14:35   kids [TS]

00:14:36   if you had that what they did it took [TS]

00:14:37   you out of class and let you test market [TS]

00:14:39   some toys in usually with school you [TS]

00:14:42   know what I mean like that was that was [TS]

00:14:43   their shares your prescription complete [TS]

00:14:45   stretch armstrong yeah or like he's a [TS]

00:14:47   spirited little kid or whatever it was [TS]

00:14:50   you know but all of a sudden that the [TS]

00:14:51   EPA to become a pathology and now of [TS]

00:14:55   course we live in a world where I mean I [TS]

00:14:58   don't spend a lot of time in great [TS]

00:14:59   schools yet but i imagine when you're in [TS]

00:15:01   great schools now the number of kids [TS]

00:15:04   that have attention deficit [TS]

00:15:05   hyperactivity disorder or something on [TS]

00:15:07   that spectrum it's probably forty [TS]

00:15:09   percent of the kids in the school and [TS]

00:15:12   when you combine food allergies as [TS]

00:15:15   burgers all the other ways in which [TS]

00:15:18   we're now get dyslexia [TS]

00:15:22   yeah well I mean is there really is a [TS]

00:15:24   lesser-known it's a long time [TS]

00:15:26   thing and it's like yeah here's the kid [TS]

00:15:28   writes his letters backwards but but [TS]

00:15:30   there are a lot of parents that are [TS]

00:15:33   self-diagnosing their kids as Bergen and [TS]

00:15:36   a lot of parents that are still like in [TS]

00:15:38   denial about it but their next-door [TS]

00:15:39   neighbors are diagnosing their kids as [TS]

00:15:41   birkin that's the aerial i mean i i've [TS]

00:15:44   got a couple kids in my life with with [TS]

00:15:46   legitimate like you can tell [TS]

00:15:48   plus the doctor said ass burgers and [TS]

00:15:49   everybody but their parents I was ready [TS]

00:15:53   to cop to that the parents were the last [TS]

00:15:55   but yeah I mean if your kids got a thing [TS]

00:15:57   you don't you don't want to be labeled [TS]

00:15:59   you know it well [TS]

00:16:00   right except that except that I mean in [TS]

00:16:02   park slope right now if your kid doesn't [TS]

00:16:03   have a thing who your gotta get a [TS]

00:16:06   special special school [TS]

00:16:07   he's the outlier and I mean you remember [TS]

00:16:09   when we were and this is true all the [TS]

00:16:11   way through high school for us there [TS]

00:16:13   were kids that were separated out and [TS]

00:16:15   put in special classes but there was one [TS]

00:16:18   special class there was one special [TS]

00:16:20   class and everybody you know everybody [TS]

00:16:22   went there including probably now that i [TS]

00:16:25   think about it kids who were mentally [TS]

00:16:28   functioning at a high level but they [TS]

00:16:29   just had a palsy or something [TS]

00:16:31   how is it was ridiculous in the same [TS]

00:16:33   thing happen my dad with dyslexia and [TS]

00:16:34   Men and poor vision and it's what [TS]

00:16:37   happened a lot of people and you get [TS]

00:16:39   this one place that basically becomes [TS]

00:16:40   like a what a pedagogical holding cell [TS]

00:16:43   and so so people with profound [TS]

00:16:45   personality problems legitimate [TS]

00:16:47   depression serious health problems or [TS]

00:16:49   maybe they just read too fast [TS]

00:16:52   yeah right read too fast right well but [TS]

00:16:55   but i guess the getting getting back to [TS]

00:16:57   your point at which is that it's very [TS]

00:16:59   like we were raised certainly I was [TS]

00:17:02   raised in an environment where mind my [TS]

00:17:05   initial response to this like [TS]

00:17:08   proliferation of human problems was [TS]

00:17:12   suspicion that that people were making [TS]

00:17:15   up these diagnoses that that that [TS]

00:17:18   chronic fatigue syndrome and attention [TS]

00:17:21   deficit hyperactivity disorder were on [TS]

00:17:24   the same spectrum which was the spectrum [TS]

00:17:26   of people making shit up about [TS]

00:17:27   themselves to excuse their shoddy [TS]

00:17:29   performance and as you know as time goes [TS]

00:17:32   on you accept [TS]

00:17:34   you accept that these things are real [TS]

00:17:36   you think back to our childhood when [TS]

00:17:39   none of these things existed in [TS]

00:17:40   everybody had to just cope if the if [TS]

00:17:44   these problems existed 40 years ago your [TS]

00:17:46   your solution was cope or go to the [TS]

00:17:49   special class where you have to wear a [TS]

00:17:51   helmet [TS]

00:17:52   absolutely and I mean in terms of like [TS]

00:17:54   today the so many kids go to private [TS]

00:17:55   school [TS]

00:17:56   I mean and again you can't really can't [TS]

00:17:57   compare there's so many different [TS]

00:17:58   variables that have changed in the last [TS]

00:18:01   40 years but you know the only kids I [TS]

00:18:03   knew who went to private school went to [TS]

00:18:05   private school because it was a Catholic [TS]

00:18:06   school and just went that was I didn't [TS]

00:18:08   know anybody who went to the like the [TS]

00:18:10   huntington academy or something like [TS]

00:18:11   that [TS]

00:18:12   now they want to probably isn't just got [TS]

00:18:14   finger in the pooper uh-huh sure and [TS]

00:18:16   free bread and butter but you know so [TS]

00:18:19   you camp so I i become more sensitive [TS]

00:18:22   you can only hear caches million threads [TS]

00:18:23   here it's supposed to supposed to eat [TS]

00:18:25   again where we made it through the age [TS]

00:18:27   of reason you know we don't believe that [TS]

00:18:29   there's a you know a troll in your head [TS]

00:18:31   tiny troll causing your headache and [TS]

00:18:32   stuff like that and so when should you [TS]

00:18:34   use haha just an animist you just say to [TS]

00:18:40   my dad he would say stuff you don't be [TS]

00:18:42   like marinara [TS]

00:18:43   oh it's great that you're a musician [TS]

00:18:45   that some it's it's your jeans for genes [TS]

00:18:50   are responsible for you being a good [TS]

00:18:52   musician i would say screw off thats [TS]

00:18:56   that well stroll in your head there's a [TS]

00:18:58   Welsh troll that lives in your brain all [TS]

00:19:00   that trouble is so fucking well she's [TS]

00:19:02   not even fun comes up with shitty things [TS]

00:19:03   to say he started rubbing alcohol and [TS]

00:19:06   your 3-way family takes the credit away [TS]

00:19:08   from me that well stroll in your brain [TS]

00:19:10   and he was like I don't have a well [TS]

00:19:11   stroll and we would get would argue [TS]

00:19:14   about the wealth troll that lives inside [TS]

00:19:15   of you know exactly who would say [TS]

00:19:16   there's no well stroll is a guy who has [TS]

00:19:18   a well stroll [TS]

00:19:19   yeah yeah yeahs well stroll is what [TS]

00:19:21   saying there's no well I'm not in denial [TS]

00:19:24   I'm not a well stroll girl stroll [TS]

00:19:27   I'm senses that like a couple things [TS]

00:19:29   here 10 yeah irritable bowel syndrome [TS]

00:19:31   that's another thing you know I've got [TS]

00:19:33   I've got the intestinal issues but i do [TS]

00:19:35   not have IBS and some ways I'm grateful [TS]

00:19:37   to go nitro disease i get the other one [TS]

00:19:40   oh yeah but it's like we talked about [TS]

00:19:42   that you want but I vs is that it [TS]

00:19:44   by you stay there when i'm having a [TS]

00:19:47   tough time [TS]

00:19:48   yeah I know dear but you but unlike a [TS]

00:19:49   lot of people you keep chopsticks on the [TS]

00:19:51   back of the toilet to go through your oh [TS]

00:19:54   yeah terms of that just kind of sifting [TS]

00:19:56   through doing a little bit of panning ya [TS]

00:19:58   little panting panting for corn I keep [TS]

00:20:01   that I keep some poultry shears I'm a [TS]

00:20:04   very fine mesh and of course index cards [TS]

00:20:07   haha yeah well I've got an old toilet [TS]

00:20:12   um yes anyway IBS is a bummer because [TS]

00:20:14   you get this weird comment isn't like [TS]

00:20:16   you know I BS you get sometimes you get [TS]

00:20:18   diarrhea and sometimes but a lot of the [TS]

00:20:20   times you're constipated the most of [TS]

00:20:21   your kind of impact that Beth Orton that [TS]

00:20:23   singer that Beth Orton lady had it and [TS]

00:20:24   then it really screwed her up [TS]

00:20:26   that's one of those that were you go in [TS]

00:20:27   like with a migraine I don't think [TS]

00:20:29   unless you do one of those made-up [TS]

00:20:30   phony-baloney fmri kind of things I [TS]

00:20:33   don't think you can go and say oh yeah [TS]

00:20:34   you have migraines I think it's all [TS]

00:20:35   based on symptoms aren't that many you [TS]

00:20:38   get signs and symptoms symptoms are what [TS]

00:20:40   friends are for pussies [TS]

00:20:41   he's got a bad and I think he's good and [TS]

00:20:44   like drugged up on stuff that he doesn't [TS]

00:20:46   like taking to keep them even manageable [TS]

00:20:48   and even then they're not super [TS]

00:20:48   manageable my mom get some however often [TS]

00:20:53   well that's the thing that has like [TS]

00:20:54   forever but there are crippling she has [TS]

00:20:57   that pain threshold thing [TS]

00:20:58   oh your mom and the pain where when she [TS]

00:21:01   says like there's a headache coming and [TS]

00:21:06   I need to close the blinds and go [TS]

00:21:08   upstairs [TS]

00:21:09   it was so over Gibson it's so it's so [TS]

00:21:13   disconcerting because she is so [TS]

00:21:16   unaffected by pain in most situations [TS]

00:21:18   but it's like oh no what is this madness [TS]

00:21:23   like I was wondering about that when you [TS]

00:21:25   said that she got them because you said [TS]

00:21:27   you how God gives you the beard that you [TS]

00:21:29   deserve [TS]

00:21:29   I wonder you know the pain is one of [TS]

00:21:31   those things that's so hard to quantify [TS]

00:21:32   because it is you know you're the only [TS]

00:21:35   one who's feeling the pain and certainly [TS]

00:21:38   based on history they can say that if [TS]

00:21:39   you've got a gunshot wound to the [TS]

00:21:42   abdomen there's a pretty good chance [TS]

00:21:43   you're going to call that a seven eight [TS]

00:21:45   nine or maybe ten you have that so [TS]

00:21:47   that's one of the that's traditionally [TS]

00:21:48   one of the pain that sort of stainless [TS]

00:21:50   that's pancreatic cancer shot will [TS]

00:21:52   consider to the gunshot to the to the [TS]

00:21:54   belly [TS]

00:21:55   yeah right that's pretty bad news that [TS]

00:21:57   but with your mom see that's the thing [TS]

00:21:59   when you say that God gives people in [TS]

00:22:00   the beer that they deserve [TS]

00:22:01   I wonder if like you get the migraine [TS]

00:22:03   that I mean I bet your migraine sucks [TS]

00:22:07   for everybody but there's not that many [TS]

00:22:09   people that get a migraine that just go [TS]

00:22:10   i can just deal with this [TS]

00:22:12   yeah you know me brush it off yeah yeah [TS]

00:22:13   and yet she sees the she starts seeing [TS]

00:22:16   halos of light and yet last year classic [TS]

00:22:18   yeah she's like I'm out of here and it's [TS]

00:22:20   you know it doesn't even hurt yet she's [TS]

00:22:22   just like delirious and I throw up and I [TS]

00:22:25   want to die i have never had a migraine [TS]

00:22:27   and I'm pretty fortunate and you know [TS]

00:22:30   for a lot of people are the triggers [TS]

00:22:31   right you can have like you know like [TS]

00:22:33   red wine or chocolate or there's I guess [TS]

00:22:36   all kinds of things and if you're very [TS]

00:22:37   sensitive don't listen to this because [TS]

00:22:38   even listening this could probably give [TS]

00:22:40   him a migraine but all those things they [TS]

00:22:41   also because you feel like your monkey [TS]

00:22:42   balls right like all the sudden you got [TS]

00:22:44   this thing nobody can see but you don't [TS]

00:22:46   let me say one more thing about the ad [TS]

00:22:47   because you know if you got two little [TS]

00:22:49   kids let's see how to play date another [TS]

00:22:51   kid comes over and you know the classic [TS]

00:22:52   you must face in your own home actually [TS]

00:22:54   love to hear how your mom handle this [TS]

00:22:56   there's one large piece of cake left and [TS]

00:22:59   there's two kids so what do you do [TS]

00:23:02   my mom throws the kick in the yard [TS]

00:23:03   that's a light cake that's not your cake [TS]

00:23:07   but mom says no gig for anybody just [TS]

00:23:10   keeps it on the counter and some [TS]

00:23:12   Tupperware and it's just there and then [TS]

00:23:14   you finally you ask out the window is [TS]

00:23:17   that my mom used to buy grape juice for [TS]

00:23:20   my sister it was a special treat that [TS]

00:23:22   she would give my sister a glass of [TS]

00:23:24   grape juice [TS]

00:23:25   Susan expensive she was insane about [TS]

00:23:27   grape juice and it was very expensive in [TS]

00:23:29   the seventies you know when we were our [TS]

00:23:31   weekly food budget well love the juices [TS]

00:23:33   they were it was one of the more costly [TS]

00:23:34   yeah and we had like four dollars and [TS]

00:23:36   thirty-five cents to feed the three of [TS]

00:23:37   us for a week she would buy grape juice [TS]

00:23:41   and she would have portion it out in [TS]

00:23:42   glasses to Susan I didn't really care [TS]

00:23:44   about grape juice but the scriptures was [TS]

00:23:47   for Susan and she gave it to Susan so [TS]

00:23:49   sparingly that the that the bottle of [TS]

00:23:52   grape juice like routinely turn to wine [TS]

00:23:55   attractive turns cooking vinegar in the [TS]

00:23:59   fridge before Susan was able to all its [TS]

00:24:02   Nevel [TS]

00:24:03   no yeah and then sat in there every time [TS]

00:24:04   you open the fridge like there's the [TS]

00:24:05   grape juice but a more conventional [TS]

00:24:07   homes when you when you have [TS]

00:24:08   a large slice of cake and two kids at [TS]

00:24:11   the classic way to do this prisoner's [TS]

00:24:12   dilemma kind of thing right or 10 game [TS]

00:24:14   theory I guess one of you one of you [TS]

00:24:17   cuts and the other chooses and the other [TS]

00:24:19   chooses and that ensures that one person [TS]

00:24:22   is going to make the most even cut [TS]

00:24:23   possible right and i think that is an [TS]

00:24:26   interesting principle in in many things [TS]

00:24:28   that place that another example place [TS]

00:24:29   that I used to work we had we did [TS]

00:24:32   environmental consulting but one thing [TS]

00:24:34   that gave us credibility was that we did [TS]

00:24:36   environmental assessment but not [TS]

00:24:38   environmental remediation really why [TS]

00:24:40   would you go out and hire the same [TS]

00:24:42   person to tell you what your problem is [TS]

00:24:44   and then how much it would cost for them [TS]

00:24:45   to fix it [TS]

00:24:46   oh you just described the entire Chinese [TS]

00:24:48   economy and your father in the mechanic [TS]

00:24:51   well yeah I mean that's that is [TS]

00:24:54   analogous to certain elegance to it [TS]

00:24:56   half of the graft in America but this is [TS]

00:24:58   again this is a problem with public [TS]

00:24:59   schools now and I've had several a [TS]

00:25:01   handful of friends with kids in schools [TS]

00:25:02   and it's it's just very getting a class [TS]

00:25:05   with 50 kids wear your kid cannot take [TS]

00:25:08   up more than two percent of the time [TS]

00:25:11   that would be if you're if you've got a [TS]

00:25:13   kid who for whatever reason takes up [TS]

00:25:16   four percent or eight percent of the [TS]

00:25:18   time you pull them aside you bring the [TS]

00:25:20   parent in and you say this is your [TS]

00:25:21   problem [TS]

00:25:22   this is not our problem our problem is [TS]

00:25:24   we have no money and a class full of 50 [TS]

00:25:26   kids right so you need to figure out how [TS]

00:25:29   this kid goes back to two percent or [TS]

00:25:31   less i wish they had used that metric [TS]

00:25:33   when I was a kid because I wanted to be [TS]

00:25:35   taking a 0% of the teachers time just [TS]

00:25:38   being left alone to sit at my desk and [TS]

00:25:40   draw army men room or look at lookin at [TS]

00:25:43   lookin encyclopedia look at the [TS]

00:25:45   encyclopedia or stare at a spot on the [TS]

00:25:46   wall kind of inciting gauge me I you [TS]

00:25:49   keep calling on me I like just be if I [TS]

00:25:53   could just go to that shelf with the [TS]

00:25:55   with the world books and just sit there [TS]

00:25:56   I would've done it all day long yeah I [TS]

00:25:59   will listen I'll listen in on your class [TS]

00:26:01   on your silly ass class who I'll be over [TS]

00:26:04   here with these books and if I if [TS]

00:26:05   there's a get there if you are [TS]

00:26:07   addressing something I don't already [TS]

00:26:08   know I look it up in these books how's [TS]

00:26:10   that sound [TS]

00:26:11   here's the thing if for example I can't [TS]

00:26:14   find H through I because someone has not [TS]

00:26:16   put it back in the proper place [TS]

00:26:18   i will raise my hand and ask where the [TS]

00:26:20   location of h3o is and apart from that [TS]

00:26:22   we don't really need to talk here [TS]

00:26:24   yeah exactly but you know this has [TS]

00:26:26   become a cliché but i think it's true [TS]

00:26:28   at least in one instance i know of it's [TS]

00:26:30   very true what they said look to get [TS]

00:26:31   your kid back to the end percent that he [TS]

00:26:34   or she needs to be you need to take care [TS]

00:26:36   of this so essentially they're saying so [TS]

00:26:37   that's why they're dopin kids at home [TS]

00:26:39   well i mean i think that is look at this [TS]

00:26:42   way a lot of lot of households if you've [TS]

00:26:44   got two parents in the household which [TS]

00:26:46   is increasingly not so common you know [TS]

00:26:47   like everybody's working everybody's [TS]

00:26:49   busy everybody there's not that much you [TS]

00:26:51   can do not that flexibility much [TS]

00:26:53   flexibility for anybody and so I mean I [TS]

00:26:56   think that the response of the idea i [TS]

00:26:57   cannot prove this yet because luckily [TS]

00:27:00   it's not a public school yet but you [TS]

00:27:02   know that apparently happens when you [TS]

00:27:05   especially when you get to 5th 6th 7th [TS]

00:27:07   8th grade they're going to say look [TS]

00:27:08   here's your options focalin or adderall [TS]

00:27:10   are there any questions well you know [TS]

00:27:12   and that's why we need to you need to [TS]

00:27:15   institute that third option which is [TS]

00:27:16   building trail over like you give you [TS]

00:27:20   give your kids some of this this like [TS]

00:27:23   personality doling medic medication or [TS]

00:27:25   get them out in the bright sunshine [TS]

00:27:27   where Medicare where Mount see every day [TS]

00:27:31   I see it every day with our kid that [TS]

00:27:32   that the wearing out is good [TS]

00:27:34   yeah uh I mean that the things that [TS]

00:27:37   thing about this undiagnosable on [TS]

00:27:39   seeable malady who epidemic that's [TS]

00:27:43   happening i think in America like for me [TS]

00:27:46   it comes home to roost because I suffer [TS]

00:27:49   from depression who I'm I'm outing [TS]

00:27:52   myself if it wasn't already abundantly [TS]

00:27:55   clear and it is very hard for me to [TS]

00:27:59   accept that for myself like it is very [TS]

00:28:03   hard for me to acknowledge it as not [TS]

00:28:06   being a personality flaw you know and [TS]

00:28:09   also a weakness [TS]

00:28:10   yeah so I look at you know I look at the [TS]

00:28:12   course of of a typical day or a look at [TS]

00:28:14   the arc of nine months of my life and I [TS]

00:28:16   go [TS]

00:28:17   the only thing that can account for the [TS]

00:28:20   way that for the choices I've been [TS]

00:28:22   making is that I'm suffering from [TS]

00:28:24   depression i'm clearly suffering and [TS]

00:28:25   everywhere I go every time I talk to a [TS]

00:28:27   doctor and I say hear my problems doctor [TS]

00:28:29   and I run down my problems they're like [TS]

00:28:31   well you have severe depression I go [TS]

00:28:32   yeah I know but come on help me out here [TS]

00:28:35   with something [TS]

00:28:38   yeah you gotta get something is there [TS]

00:28:39   something physically difficult that I [TS]

00:28:41   can do or something that I could resist [TS]

00:28:43   doing for a few months that might [TS]

00:28:45   improve its but yeah I pretty good at [TS]

00:28:47   that [TS]

00:28:47   this is the matter i mean anybody could [TS]

00:28:49   tell that give me something to work with [TS]

00:28:51   here and you know and I was like for a [TS]

00:28:55   while there I was thinking [TS]

00:28:57   listen I'm a drug addict but uh but I [TS]

00:29:00   mean adderalls not a drug it's a it's [TS]

00:29:03   like an attention focused sir and people [TS]

00:29:05   were writing me i said this on the [TS]

00:29:07   internet a couple of times people riding [TS]

00:29:08   me like dat all the drug is totally [TS]

00:29:10   drugged [TS]

00:29:11   don't kid yourself i miss it i miss it [TS]

00:29:13   if I don't take it [TS]

00:29:14   yeah but I can feel the difference oh [TS]

00:29:16   how I don't know how have you in how [TS]

00:29:19   long you've been arrow like okay talk [TS]

00:29:22   about time I don't even ok talking about [TS]

00:29:25   that about being depressed him [TS]

00:29:27   I mean you mentioned on twitter like [TS]

00:29:28   last year well the thing about [TS]

00:29:30   depression is that i think when i was a [TS]

00:29:33   kid when I was a lot like early teens [TS]

00:29:40   being diagnosed with depression i didn't [TS]

00:29:45   feel like it had any stigma at all [TS]

00:29:47   I felt like there it was it was a fairly [TS]

00:29:49   glamorous diagnosis because depression [TS]

00:29:52   was a it seemed exotic it seemed like a [TS]

00:29:56   German disease it seems like something [TS]

00:30:00   that if you had depression you would [TS]

00:30:02   ultimately you would ultimately be [TS]

00:30:04   wearing a black suit lounging on a [TS]

00:30:07   Shay's and someone would be painting you [TS]

00:30:10   and oils it's certainly an interesting [TS]

00:30:12   thing to have you know like and [TS]

00:30:15   particularly as a ten-year-old to be to [TS]

00:30:18   have somebody say like well it seems [TS]

00:30:20   like you have depression I was like [TS]

00:30:23   that's a very adult sounding thing to [TS]

00:30:26   have and it feels very like it feels a [TS]

00:30:29   but it feels very Continental but I'll [TS]

00:30:32   accept that so I never felt that [TS]

00:30:35   depression was a was a thing [TS]

00:30:38   it was only later when people started [TS]

00:30:40   coming coming out as the [TS]

00:30:43   pressed and being a and talking about [TS]

00:30:46   the stigma that they felt it was only [TS]

00:30:49   later that I it even occurred to me that [TS]

00:30:51   there was stigma around it because [TS]

00:30:52   depression seemed i guess to me like the [TS]

00:30:55   only reasonable response to an insane [TS]

00:30:58   world why would you feel a stigma right [TS]

00:31:00   but but uh and so so my whatever [TS]

00:31:05   reticence I had to talk about it was [TS]

00:31:07   entirely a reticence based on I did I [TS]

00:31:10   just don't like to reveal things about [TS]

00:31:12   myself to strangers right you know like [TS]

00:31:15   a I said I don't mention my daughter's [TS]

00:31:17   name or whatever the same thing like I [TS]

00:31:20   don't talk about my problems because [TS]

00:31:21   because ultimately if you say something [TS]

00:31:23   on the internet you get a bunch of [TS]

00:31:24   Concerned a well-liked dm's from your [TS]

00:31:29   friends going is everything ok are you [TS]

00:31:31   ok [TS]

00:31:32   it's like yeah I mentioned depressed i [TS]

00:31:34   mentioned the depression that I have [TS]

00:31:35   that I've had for 17 years [TS]

00:31:38   it's not like it's not like I'm peaking [TS]

00:31:39   I'm not standing on a bridge who um but [TS]

00:31:43   but as time goes on i guess i guess what [TS]

00:31:46   i'm talking about more is that I can I I [TS]

00:31:49   always thought as you got older that [TS]

00:31:51   that depression was a thing that you had [TS]

00:31:54   when you were in your teens or early [TS]

00:31:55   twenties and when you were very wit your [TS]

00:31:58   peak dramatic years when you're feeling [TS]

00:32:00   very dramatic and it continued into my [TS]

00:32:02   thirties because every aspect of my [TS]

00:32:05   youth continued into my thirties I was [TS]

00:32:07   still a teenager at 37 years old but now [TS]

00:32:11   that I'm in my forties and it is not [TS]

00:32:13   waning if anything it is waxing it [TS]

00:32:18   started to be a thing like okay you know [TS]

00:32:19   what I'm going to just start talking [TS]

00:32:21   about this more because um because it's [TS]

00:32:25   act it's actually a feature on my [TS]

00:32:27   landscape it's a thing that every [TS]

00:32:29   morning I wake up and and even if there [TS]

00:32:32   are no owls in my room there is always [TS]

00:32:34   this like this bugbear and I go uh you [TS]

00:32:40   again and you know a lot of the stuff [TS]

00:32:43   that you and I talked about orbits [TS]

00:32:45   around this this issue that you know [TS]

00:32:49   that feeling of dissatisfaction in the [TS]

00:32:52   feeling of everything that you've [TS]

00:32:54   accomplished adds up to [TS]

00:32:56   yes uh huh you know that there's no [TS]

00:32:59   there's no reasonable way I could think [TS]

00:33:05   that and that's what that that's because [TS]

00:33:08   depression is unreasonable it's [TS]

00:33:10   completely unreasonable and and the [TS]

00:33:12   thing that has caused me to [TS]

00:33:13   misunderstand it and and really really [TS]

00:33:16   eat the booger on how I dealt with [TS]

00:33:18   somebody important in my life had [TS]

00:33:20   depression and i know it was that I was [TS]

00:33:22   of the ok that's long enough it's time [TS]

00:33:25   to buck up school right and and you know [TS]

00:33:27   I think you tell me if this is correct [TS]

00:33:30   in your experience but my understanding [TS]

00:33:31   is that the most insidious thing about [TS]

00:33:34   depression is not the true that a sad [TS]

00:33:36   it's not that you really really sad [TS]

00:33:38   it's not even that you sometimes think [TS]

00:33:39   about harming yourself like that's [TS]

00:33:41   actually stuff that a lot of people feel [TS]

00:33:42   like a fair amount of the time it's just [TS]

00:33:45   that no matter no matter what day it is [TS]

00:33:48   it it feels completely impossible to [TS]

00:33:51   imagine a world where it could be better [TS]

00:33:53   line up for a lot of people them the [TS]

00:33:55   worst part of it and the part that I [TS]

00:33:57   think this set sounds like that's i'm [TS]

00:33:59   already saying that but I think that [TS]

00:34:01   doesn't really sink in for people who [TS]

00:34:02   don't have depression is it is fairly [TS]

00:34:04   constant it does come sometimes get a [TS]

00:34:07   lot worse and the last thing in the [TS]

00:34:09   world you could ever imagine is having a [TS]

00:34:11   get better [TS]

00:34:12   it does yeah it doesn't a bait but it [TS]

00:34:14   also attaches itself to your normal [TS]

00:34:18   sense of reason right it is it doesn't [TS]

00:34:22   it doesn't fly how you see and decide [TS]

00:34:24   yeah it's not it's not like it's not [TS]

00:34:26   like some kind of crazy like [TS]

00:34:30   republicanism we're all of a sudden you [TS]

00:34:32   think you're the president is a Muslim [TS]

00:34:34   and you know it's not like it's not like [TS]

00:34:36   madness it is already went to college in [TS]

00:34:40   a Burger King if it is a thing it is a [TS]

00:34:43   thing where you look at it you make [TS]

00:34:45   normal assessments [TS]

00:34:47   in a way that seems absolutely rational [TS]

00:34:51   but your conclusion is that you really [TS]

00:34:55   fucked it up [TS]

00:34:56   you really are you are you are you are a [TS]

00:34:59   real turd in this situation you know [TS]

00:35:01   when I I'll help start making a pot of [TS]

00:35:03   macaroni and cheese and there will be [TS]

00:35:06   three or four opportunities in the [TS]

00:35:08   course of waiting for the water to boil [TS]

00:35:09   and adding the powdered cheese packet [TS]

00:35:12   and eating the macaroni and cheese where [TS]

00:35:14   I feel like this macaroni and cheese is [TS]

00:35:17   a is a metaphor for how I'm not thriving [TS]

00:35:21   and so the macaroni and cheese tastes [TS]

00:35:26   like a picture turns to ashes [TS]

00:35:31   you know like it it robs you of the the [TS]

00:35:34   potential to enjoy even the simple [TS]

00:35:36   things because you are finding your [TS]

00:35:39   finding like all the all the evidence [TS]

00:35:43   you need in the simple things that you [TS]

00:35:45   do for why you are a flop [TS]

00:35:50   it's the things around you that stepped [TS]

00:35:52   on an intellectual level you may not [TS]

00:35:55   think have anything to do with that [TS]

00:35:57   start to become emblematic of like what [TS]

00:36:00   that person is or failure or everything [TS]

00:36:02   becomes evidence evidence residence of [TS]

00:36:04   the second fair sight [TS]

00:36:05   yeah and you're and you're Europe you're [TS]

00:36:08   using your ear capacity to you know that [TS]

00:36:13   the it is a capacity that I prize in [TS]

00:36:15   myself to look at the evidence to walk [TS]

00:36:18   out the door and look at the evidence [TS]

00:36:20   and and make decisions you know like [TS]

00:36:24   based on what I see and what I know you [TS]

00:36:28   know and that's it that is this prized [TS]

00:36:30   faculty that i use everywhere I go like [TS]

00:36:32   haha i see how this is gonna go this guy [TS]

00:36:35   over here is about to throw his [TS]

00:36:36   milkshake in haha he did I saw it but [TS]

00:36:40   you but when you turn that faculty on [TS]

00:36:43   yourself and all the evidence points to [TS]

00:36:46   that you are [TS]

00:36:48   a drag [TS]

00:36:51   that's when you know that that that [TS]

00:36:54   faculty is is normally the thing I lean [TS]

00:36:56   on so when it returns this evidence to [TS]

00:37:01   me that i am you know that that that [TS]

00:37:04   everything I've ever made that belongs [TS]

00:37:07   on the dustbin it's very hard for me to [TS]

00:37:09   go well in that instance you're the in [TS]

00:37:14   that instance your your your faculty for [TS]

00:37:16   seeing is is flawed or broken because I [TS]

00:37:21   use it all the time I trust my faculty [TS]

00:37:23   for seeing so and and that is so super [TS]

00:37:28   complicated because I'm just I'm [TS]

00:37:29   processing what you're saying yeah here [TS]

00:37:31   but at some mean you you're a very [TS]

00:37:34   rational guy in a lot of ways you're [TS]

00:37:37   certainly monkey balls in many ways but [TS]

00:37:39   now you're a guy who really thrives on [TS]

00:37:41   saying now like what is the thing that's [TS]

00:37:43   really hear what is the essential nature [TS]

00:37:45   of this conversation that we're having [TS]

00:37:47   what is the essential nature of this [TS]

00:37:50   deal that you're trying to offer me and [TS]

00:37:51   keep changing the topic about it seems [TS]

00:37:53   to me that like you have the scars to [TS]

00:37:56   show for being somebody who was [TS]

00:37:58   surrounded by things that dulled the [TS]

00:38:01   influence of the outside world to where [TS]

00:38:03   you now seriously seemed to really [TS]

00:38:05   thrive on having a more direct [TS]

00:38:07   experience of what the fuck is really [TS]

00:38:10   happening and that you if there's [TS]

00:38:12   anything you trust about yourself [TS]

00:38:14   it is your ability to know that you're [TS]

00:38:16   always being as honest as a human can be [TS]

00:38:18   about what the fuck is really happening [TS]

00:38:20   here [TS]

00:38:20   yeah and and when you turn around the [TS]

00:38:23   past that's become something and you [TS]

00:38:24   certainly have every reason to be proud [TS]

00:38:25   of that because you went through a lot [TS]

00:38:27   of shit to get to where that's your mo [TS]

00:38:28   and it's so close [TS]

00:38:30   well the and the problem so the problem [TS]

00:38:34   is that when somebody says to me if you [TS]

00:38:37   take this if you take this serotonin [TS]

00:38:41   reuptake inhibitor who it's going to [TS]

00:38:44   make you not feel that way anymore i go [TS]

00:38:50   i I'm suspicious because it doesn't feel [TS]

00:38:54   the depression doesn't feel alien that [TS]

00:38:57   is the that is what is insidious about [TS]

00:38:59   it it does not feel it certainly [TS]

00:39:02   feels like a handicap but it doesn't [TS]

00:39:05   feel like a stranger doesn't feel [TS]

00:39:07   external no i'm not at all you sitting [TS]

00:39:10   you know because what happens is i look [TS]

00:39:11   around the room and I go well come on [TS]

00:39:13   I mean look at that look at that look at [TS]

00:39:16   that poster on the wall that [TS]

00:39:17   commemorates that great show that you [TS]

00:39:22   played like that should be a source of [TS]

00:39:26   like uncomplicated pleasure for you you [TS]

00:39:30   have a you have a beautiful poster that [TS]

00:39:33   commemorates this wonderful show that [TS]

00:39:35   you remember fondly [TS]

00:39:36   how can you find a downside to that and [TS]

00:39:40   then the voice doesn't even need [TS]

00:39:43   prompting you know it says well you know [TS]

00:39:47   only only someone with a low self-esteem [TS]

00:39:51   would need a poster to remind him that [TS]

00:39:54   he was that he had good things in his [TS]

00:39:57   life right now doing it and how did you [TS]

00:39:59   get this number [TS]

00:40:00   well Thea only a person you know that [TS]

00:40:03   and then look around the room like Oh [TS]

00:40:04   everything in this room is just some [TS]

00:40:06   kind of sham a reflective surface [TS]

00:40:10   broadcasting your own life back to you [TS]

00:40:15   in these discrete chunks to try and make [TS]

00:40:19   yourself feel better about what a shit [TS]

00:40:21   job you've done and you know there's [TS]

00:40:24   nothing there is no small thing that [TS]

00:40:27   cannot be robbed of all its joy by this [TS]

00:40:31   friend who sits next to me in the [TS]

00:40:34   cockpit and whispers in my ear and says [TS]

00:40:37   oh yeah no I mean everything everything [TS]

00:40:40   that you love is a thing that you love [TS]

00:40:43   because you are a shame and you just you [TS]

00:40:47   know and and talking about it to people [TS]

00:40:49   get it you know i remember the the the [TS]

00:40:53   friend that you referenced earlier you [TS]

00:40:55   know a this person that was lovely and [TS]

00:40:58   you loved and she struggled in the same [TS]

00:41:01   way and you know i have seen that happen [TS]

00:41:05   with people who struggle with depression [TS]

00:41:06   is more severe than mine who are no [TS]

00:41:08   longer on this earth [TS]

00:41:10   who and you know I feel lucky that my [TS]

00:41:14   that I never the idea of harming myself [TS]

00:41:16   has never occurred to me because I feel [TS]

00:41:19   like when it's time for me to go I'm [TS]

00:41:21   gonna take as many motherfuckers out [TS]

00:41:23   with me as I possibly can [TS]

00:41:24   there's going to be I mean if there [TS]

00:41:27   isn't a mushroom cloud at least to mark [TS]

00:41:29   my passage from this world I really will [TS]

00:41:32   have failed but but at the same time [TS]

00:41:37   like this living in a kind of low-level [TS]

00:41:40   gray is just no way to be it's just no [TS]

00:41:44   way to be and unfortunately i can't get [TS]

00:41:47   over the hump of thinking that a [TS]

00:41:49   serotonin reuptake inhibitor or cross [TS]

00:41:52   tops or exercise or more blow jobs or [TS]

00:41:55   whatever it is that that that I get [TS]

00:41:57   prescribed by people and I know talking [TS]

00:42:00   about this i'm going to get a thousand [TS]

00:42:01   tweets from people who are like all you [TS]

00:42:03   need to do is blah blah and let me just [TS]

00:42:07   I hate to break the fourth wall but [TS]

00:42:08   please don't send me your cures [TS]

00:42:10   thoughtful people for the love of Christ [TS]

00:42:15   but you know as soon as you start [TS]

00:42:19   talking about it there are people that [TS]

00:42:21   want to help help cure you and that is [TS]

00:42:24   the problem but the very principle of of [TS]

00:42:27   of trying to seek a cure is like I have [TS]

00:42:34   a million reasons why that what that is [TS]

00:42:37   going to work in the truth this is very [TS]

00:42:39   rarely as simple as about about about [TS]

00:42:40   but about is what somebody reports [TS]

00:42:43   because that eventually worked [TS]

00:42:45   yeah man and and thank God and God bless [TS]

00:42:47   them but I hi a lot of my friends who [TS]

00:42:49   have gotten treatment for depression is [TS]

00:42:51   a pretty fucking rough go and sometimes [TS]

00:42:54   it got worse and then sometimes they [TS]

00:42:56   couldn't get a boner and and sometimes [TS]

00:42:58   it took two years i'm not trying to say [TS]

00:43:00   don't look for help I'm also saying [TS]

00:43:02   don't percent it's as simple as drink [TS]

00:43:04   some green tea and walk in the woods [TS]

00:43:06   you're saying that i'm looking into a [TS]

00:43:07   into an oboe near future so i can [TS]

00:43:10   remember that men when the boner will [TS]

00:43:12   stare back at you from the abyss [TS]

00:43:15   yeah well you know I I'm a minute I you [TS]

00:43:18   know I I I don't have anything like [TS]

00:43:21   depression as far as i know if i have [TS]

00:43:24   anything it's my head your new problems [TS]

00:43:26   I'd be more depressed well you know easy [TS]

00:43:29   you gotta just be careful about the [TS]

00:43:31   onions and I know how hard that would be [TS]

00:43:32   for you so i think really we have no [TS]

00:43:34   hand are you having a hundred Henry [TS]

00:43:35   situation you can have my onions [TS]

00:43:40   I'll take your my haircut i'll take your [TS]

00:43:43   lack of occasional lack of mania ok you [TS]

00:43:47   know but but I don't know there's just [TS]

00:43:48   something that when I learned that that [TS]

00:43:50   really resonated with me because i [TS]

00:43:52   really got it I got it that's the [TS]

00:43:53   capital D part of depression is that it [TS]

00:43:56   doesn't feel like it's a veil that can [TS]

00:43:57   be lifted and as you say it isn't a [TS]

00:43:59   matter of flicking his bugbear off your [TS]

00:44:00   shoulder or saying Satan I rebuke thee [TS]

00:44:03   it's it's a good deal more complicated [TS]

00:44:06   it's the renowned say to my Michael [TS]

00:44:14   ritzy the but you know this is another [TS]

00:44:18   way to put this and I'm not as you know [TS]

00:44:19   I'm not a depression psychiatrist but [TS]

00:44:21   but I you know if you saw somebody [TS]

00:44:23   walking around with bronchitis you [TS]

00:44:28   wouldn't just tell him to back up you [TS]

00:44:30   would have to understand that to get rid [TS]

00:44:31   of that bronchitis there's certain [TS]

00:44:33   things to really get rid of bronchitis [TS]

00:44:34   you gotta take some antibiotics and [TS]

00:44:35   stuff [TS]

00:44:36   well sir that matter if you saw somebody [TS]

00:44:38   who is like missing a hand and he said [TS]

00:44:40   we'll just try harder to get handy but [TS]

00:44:42   here's but here's the trick is that you [TS]

00:44:44   have you have mania i have depression a [TS]

00:44:48   little mean you don't ya [TS]

00:44:51   good i got other problems i don't have [TS]

00:44:53   damaged hmm but these things are also [TS]

00:44:57   talents [TS]

00:44:59   yeah like Kierkegaard had mania and [TS]

00:45:04   depression and his name rings out you [TS]

00:45:09   know for 450 thousand years of human [TS]

00:45:12   history mania and depression were things [TS]

00:45:14   that were that were useful talents right [TS]

00:45:18   now that made that made people become [TS]

00:45:22   monks or philosophers or [TS]

00:45:25   or scientists or or conquerors you know [TS]

00:45:29   these are these are not just handicaps [TS]

00:45:33   they are they're very complex sort of [TS]

00:45:38   some rainbow of qualities and our [TS]

00:45:44   fixation now and then you know in part [TS]

00:45:46   of the part of why my depression is is [TS]

00:45:49   that is so hobbling is that i live in a [TS]

00:45:53   world where I have the resources and I [TS]

00:45:56   have the inclination to further isolate [TS]

00:46:00   myself from people and to live in an [TS]

00:46:03   ivory tower and at any time prior in [TS]

00:46:08   human history unless I was a very very [TS]

00:46:10   rich person I wouldn't be able to do [TS]

00:46:12   that and so I would have been out in the [TS]

00:46:13   streets and my depression would have [TS]

00:46:14   been mitigated somewhat by just having [TS]

00:46:16   to go down to the cart to the onion cart [TS]

00:46:19   and by an onion every day if I wanted an [TS]

00:46:22   onion and your mania would be a likewise [TS]

00:46:25   more assimilated into the culture and [TS]

00:46:29   particularly given that the life [TS]

00:46:31   expectancy of people was 37 years by [TS]

00:46:35   this point we would already be dead and [TS]

00:46:37   and our problems would you know would be [TS]

00:46:41   a bit [TS]

00:46:43   whatever whatever our personality was [TS]

00:46:45   they would just remember us in our [TS]

00:46:46   village and they'd be like yeah he was [TS]

00:46:48   amazing [TS]

00:46:49   you see that church spire he wants to [TS]

00:46:52   climb to clean up and ranted about [TS]

00:46:54   that's not real talkative guy read about [TS]

00:46:57   the president was a Muslim for a couple [TS]

00:46:59   of days before he got tired and fell [TS]

00:47:02   into the onion cart so so that that's [TS]

00:47:06   the that's the flip side is is that it [TS]

00:47:09   is in this family of modern diagnosis of [TS]

00:47:13   mental pathology some of which I mean I [TS]

00:47:18   don't see what the upside to chronic [TS]

00:47:21   fatigue syndrome is except that except [TS]

00:47:25   that it used to be called a what clergy [TS]

00:47:29   or I mean it was a alright it was a [TS]

00:47:32   thing that that very aristocratic women [TS]

00:47:36   fell victim to wear all [TS]

00:47:38   where they had to lay on a on a Sunday [TS]

00:47:40   fans on their fainting couch there [TS]

00:47:42   fainting couch with their with their you [TS]

00:47:45   know their ether soaked opera glasses [TS]

00:47:48   yeah they're either soap opera glasses [TS]

00:47:50   that exactly [TS]

00:47:52   and finally I can see clearly so looking [TS]

00:47:55   back through history like all of these [TS]

00:47:57   if these modern diagnosis have analogs [TS]

00:48:00   in the past a lot of them were either [TS]

00:48:03   considered talents including bordering [TS]

00:48:06   on like mystical talents or they were [TS]

00:48:11   you know they were integrated into our [TS]

00:48:13   culture as a like out she is she's too [TS]

00:48:16   delicate for she's too delicate for [TS]

00:48:19   modern life and we need to bring her [TS]

00:48:21   like lukewarm tea and now we are you [TS]

00:48:24   know we're shooting her shooting the [TS]

00:48:26   same person full of hormones or I don't [TS]

00:48:30   know or and Federman's most of the time [TS]

00:48:33   who so so I'm really you know I it all [TS]

00:48:38   falls into this family of [TS]

00:48:39   psychopharmacology that that very much [TS]

00:48:46   like the internet I feel like still is [TS]

00:48:48   in the bicycle engine stage of of [TS]

00:48:53   aviation where the wings are made of of [TS]

00:48:56   a tissue paper and somebody has a [TS]

00:48:59   one-and-a-half horsepower single single [TS]

00:49:03   piston engine and they're flying we [TS]

00:49:06   could fly right can affect the brain now [TS]

00:49:09   let's do it so it's all still like it's [TS]

00:49:13   amazing how much stuff in medicine in [TS]

00:49:16   general and in psychopharmacology in [TS]

00:49:17   particular is is still just just a [TS]

00:49:21   little bit northeast of medieval um I [TS]

00:49:24   mean how in some ways like pain medicine [TS]

00:49:26   is so simple the way the pain medicine [TS]

00:49:28   works is is just ridiculously simple [TS]

00:49:30   it's not doing something super [TS]

00:49:31   sophisticated blocking the receptors but [TS]

00:49:34   it doesn't go to the to the broken hand [TS]

00:49:36   it goes to the brain right and like with [TS]

00:49:38   my shrink you know and you know i always [TS]

00:49:40   i hate to misquote because it's very [TS]

00:49:41   exacting man but he can sit there and [TS]

00:49:44   show me like oh these two hands [TS]

00:49:45   represented the two sides of this you [TS]

00:49:47   know and these drugs work together does [TS]

00:49:49   this and that and it's all completely [TS]

00:49:50   coaching but with the part that [TS]

00:49:51   really understand is that if my brain is [TS]

00:49:53   not making enough of this juice that [TS]

00:49:55   lets me be happy in life I get [TS]

00:49:57   distracted right but some people use [TS]

00:49:59   some people get so much of that Jews [TS]

00:50:01   yeah too much juice [TS]

00:50:02   yeah i just described everybody i went [TS]

00:50:04   to high school with so much is too much [TS]

00:50:06   of the one kind of jitter juice not [TS]

00:50:09   enough of the other kind of tooth on one [TS]

00:50:11   end it all presupposes that there is a [TS]

00:50:15   that there is a correct degree of [TS]

00:50:20   humaneness you know that there is a that [TS]

00:50:22   there is an ideal amount an ideal [TS]

00:50:25   balance to to any mind that translates [TS]

00:50:31   across all mines so what we are seeking [TS]

00:50:34   is this this balance this broken this is [TS]

00:50:38   healing of brokenness where I mean I [TS]

00:50:41   honestly cannot in some ways separate my [TS]

00:50:44   depression from my personality and two [TS]

00:50:48   and this is the this is the problem with [TS]

00:50:51   schizophrenics whoo-hoo take medicine [TS]

00:50:54   and they're like that i don't feel fun [TS]

00:50:55   anymore [TS]

00:50:56   I mean admittedly i was living under the [TS]

00:51:00   embarcadero but god I was seeing some [TS]

00:51:04   colors right and I don't want to take [TS]

00:51:06   this medicine because it makes me feel [TS]

00:51:07   dull and you know and they they give up [TS]

00:51:10   their job and apartment and wife and [TS]

00:51:12   they go back to living under the bridge [TS]

00:51:13   because because there they feel like [TS]

00:51:17   they're like their mind isn't theirs and [TS]

00:51:20   and for me like I'm not sure what amount [TS]

00:51:25   of healing i'm seeking and guess because [TS]

00:51:28   I mean you know what have you ever [TS]

00:51:29   wanted to be clinical normal in the [TS]

00:51:30   first place [TS]

00:51:31   uh well I mean that in the regard never [TS]

00:51:35   seen it was an option right is it is one [TS]

00:51:38   of the many articles I didn't finish [TS]

00:51:39   reading this week was about the [TS]

00:51:42   diagnosis of autism in different [TS]

00:51:44   societies and how it's it's such a [TS]

00:51:46   tricky thing because there are and again [TS]

00:51:48   I haven't finished this article yet but [TS]

00:51:49   but it did grab me because part of the [TS]

00:51:51   notion is that it you know a lot of what [TS]

00:51:54   we consider autism today you know these [TS]

00:51:59   tests like do you make eye contact with [TS]

00:52:01   people can you follow this conversation [TS]

00:52:02   and you know there are a lot of cultures [TS]

00:52:04   where we'll be there [TS]

00:52:05   disrespectful for somebody feel like a [TS]

00:52:06   kid to look at elder in the eye while [TS]

00:52:09   they're talking to them you might look [TS]

00:52:10   at their face but you wouldn't look them [TS]

00:52:11   in the eye [TS]

00:52:12   interesting there's you know I mean this [TS]

00:52:13   Anu could do that any variety of decades [TS]

00:52:16   it is that's probably this is a long [TS]

00:52:17   walk off a short pier but you know it's [TS]

00:52:20   that I mean I think the thing that's how [TS]

00:52:23   this doesn't sound too homespun but i [TS]

00:52:25   think it's just natural to want to not [TS]

00:52:27   feel like you're on the edge you know [TS]

00:52:29   it's it isn't isn't even to say that you [TS]

00:52:32   know anybody necessarily crazy like oh I [TS]

00:52:33   want to be like other people or I want [TS]

00:52:36   you just want to not feel like fucked up [TS]

00:52:37   it's just not fun to wake up every day [TS]

00:52:39   and feel off balance before you even get [TS]

00:52:41   out of bed [TS]

00:52:42   it's really depressing yeah it is [TS]

00:52:44   depressing although that was exactly the [TS]

00:52:47   feeling i stalked from the ages of 16 to [TS]

00:52:50   30 like I wanted to feel on the edge all [TS]

00:52:55   the time that was how life felt [TS]

00:52:57   meaningful and real to me [TS]

00:53:00   uh-huh um and I look at other I look at [TS]

00:53:02   young people [TS]

00:53:03   cool arm who are engaging life in a very [TS]

00:53:09   different way than i did want you know [TS]

00:53:11   when I was that age I oh I did this [TS]

00:53:14   video shoot down in in la month or two [TS]

00:53:21   ago and one of the camera operators on [TS]

00:53:23   the shoot was like 21 and very competent [TS]

00:53:29   camera operator and I got chatting with [TS]

00:53:33   him and said you know how did you get [TS]

00:53:35   here and he's like well you know when i [TS]

00:53:36   graduated from high school I really [TS]

00:53:38   wanted to make movies so they were [TS]

00:53:43   filming an episode of portlandia in my [TS]

00:53:46   town I was 16 and I just went over and [TS]

00:53:50   hung around until they gave me a job to [TS]

00:53:54   do [TS]

00:53:55   running to get coffee and then pretty [TS]

00:53:57   soon I was assisting the cameraperson [TS]

00:53:59   and then i was when i was running one of [TS]

00:54:02   the cameras and you know now I live in [TS]

00:54:04   Hollywood and i'm 21 and I haven't [TS]

00:54:07   unbelievable i get that person it's [TS]

00:54:09   unbelievable but of course there are so [TS]

00:54:12   many examples of people that at 16 17 [TS]

00:54:15   years old they're like I want to be a [TS]

00:54:17   rock star i want to be in hollywood or I [TS]

00:54:19   want to be a writer i wanted i want to [TS]

00:54:21   be in politics or or whatever and they [TS]

00:54:26   had no doubt about that choice they just [TS]

00:54:31   went and did it and and then at a young [TS]

00:54:36   age they're very accomplished and [TS]

00:54:37   they're on a path then they don't seem [TS]

00:54:40   and they don't they're not sitting there [TS]

00:54:42   saying but what if i should have been [TS]

00:54:44   what if i should have gone to medical [TS]

00:54:45   school what if i should have been an [TS]

00:54:47   astronaut you know they're like I'm [TS]

00:54:49   doing what I love to do and this is what [TS]

00:54:50   i wanted to do in here I go off i go at [TS]

00:54:53   and I i can't help but contrast myself [TS]

00:54:56   against them when I was that age 21 [TS]

00:54:59   years old I was you know sitting [TS]

00:55:03   somewhere it on a barstool imagining [TS]

00:55:07   that I could and should be doing [TS]

00:55:11   everything and didn't know where to [TS]

00:55:16   begin doing everything wasn't exactly [TS]

00:55:18   sure like how you got a degree in doing [TS]

00:55:21   everything and was I mean not just not [TS]

00:55:28   just was inconceivable that I would go [TS]

00:55:30   down to a film shoot and stand around [TS]

00:55:33   saying hey can I can I lend a hand until [TS]

00:55:37   until somebody was like yeah hey kid [TS]

00:55:39   come over here and hold this you know [TS]

00:55:41   not only was it inconceivable that that [TS]

00:55:43   would happen but but to my mind at the [TS]

00:55:49   time like what a waste [TS]

00:55:51   they're just running coffee for some guy [TS]

00:55:52   like and a half second of proposed you [TS]

00:55:56   might go wait a minute i'm supposed to [TS]

00:55:57   be a senator and I run night in the [TS]

00:55:59   senator line right so those you know [TS]

00:56:04   those people are are certainly a model [TS]

00:56:08   but if i compare myself to somebody like [TS]

00:56:11   that [TS]

00:56:12   I cannot I cannot win you know I cannot [TS]

00:56:15   think like that is normal and i am and i [TS]

00:56:19   need to fix what's broken about me to [TS]

00:56:21   get closer to that because I'm because I [TS]

00:56:25   don't resemble it in the least bit and I [TS]

00:56:27   admire those kids i love to sit in and [TS]

00:56:30   talk to them in conversation but i [TS]

00:56:32   cannot buy it but comparing my own [TS]

00:56:35   attributes to theirs would be like [TS]

00:56:37   comparing my looks to there's there's [TS]

00:56:41   just nothing I can do to be to be that [TS]

00:56:47   successful really to be that [TS]

00:56:49   single-minded and and to be that sort of [TS]

00:56:52   up on a course and happy with the [TS]

00:56:56   results [TS]

00:56:56   I don't know I i don't know why i do not [TS]

00:57:01   know it if you assume that there's a a [TS]

00:57:04   bell curve of humanity and we are we are [TS]

00:57:07   apportioned different traits because [TS]

00:57:09   there is a clockmaker who has put this [TS]

00:57:13   universe into motion in order to [TS]

00:57:18   accomplish some inscrutable goal I [TS]

00:57:21   cannot imagine why you would load up a [TS]

00:57:25   human person with my attributes and set [TS]

00:57:28   them loose on this world i do not know [TS]

00:57:30   what I am contributing or why you would [TS]

00:57:35   what why you would even put so many sort [TS]

00:57:39   of self-contradictory qualities in one [TS]

00:57:44   organism and basically set it loose upon [TS]

00:57:48   itself like here you go here you go [TS]

00:57:51   animal go get them at the animal [TS]

00:57:54   immediately starts punching itself and [TS]

00:57:57   saying you don't even know how to punch [TS]

00:57:59   come out a punch-up like why would you [TS]

00:58:03   do that to a thing right but there you [TS]

00:58:06   have it [TS]

00:58:06   it's what it's one of B it's one of the [TS]

00:58:09   things i would point to to say perhaps [TS]

00:58:11   intelligent design is not actually help [TS]

00:58:13   of the universe is working the kind of [TS]

00:58:15   design but I mean to have to have that [TS]

00:58:17   constantly even when it's not that [TS]

00:58:18   traumatic for a fact did the the [TS]

00:58:21   constant leveling of that message in [TS]

00:58:23   your head can't help but become a [TS]

00:58:25   distraction from taking a step in any [TS]

00:58:28   direction you yeah self-doubt must must [TS]

00:58:31   you know something i must always be [TS]

00:58:33   looming and it raises the question take [TS]

00:58:35   a step in any direction for why [TS]

00:58:37   yeah you know and that's the that's the [TS]

00:58:39   that's that's the insidious part i [TS]

00:58:45   admire people who build houses for poor [TS]

00:58:52   people you know like Habitat for [TS]

00:58:53   Humanity I admire doctors without [TS]

00:58:56   borders but i do not feel the pull to [TS]

00:59:02   help people in that way and there's [TS]

00:59:06   another thing that's like you think [TS]

00:59:08   about what you're saying like with the [TS]

00:59:09   kid doing that in that gig in something [TS]

00:59:12   i mentioned last week about if you want [TS]

00:59:16   to i do the right thing rather trying to [TS]

00:59:18   tell them do the right thing work demand [TS]

00:59:20   and it's useful to create the conditions [TS]

00:59:23   for the right thing happening and that [TS]

00:59:25   is something if you said that to me if [TS]

00:59:27   I'd said that to me [TS]

00:59:29   30 years ago I don't think i would have [TS]

00:59:31   I would I would have understood you know [TS]

00:59:33   grammatically like what it meant but I [TS]

00:59:35   wouldn't really gotten what that meant [TS]

00:59:36   and that's the difference between that [TS]

00:59:39   kid who's not 21 and doing that for a [TS]

00:59:41   living vs all any range of people who [TS]

00:59:44   are going [TS]

00:59:45   how [TS]

00:59:45   doc I end up there yeah and and at the [TS]

00:59:48   risk of sounding really subtle I think [TS]

00:59:50   this is actually super duper important [TS]

00:59:51   because I mean we all know and this does [TS]

00:59:54   shading some stuff I said in the past [TS]

00:59:55   about acting like you're an artist and [TS]

00:59:57   buying a beret and you know doing all [TS]

00:59:59   the [TS]

00:59:59   the [TS]

01:00:00   affectations that you seeing other [TS]

01:00:01   people do to essentially traced the [TS]

01:00:04   shadows of someone else and imagine that [TS]

01:00:07   that's even close to that what that [TS]

01:00:09   human being is who they are but that's [TS]

01:00:12   what's that's a start and now that i'm [TS]

01:00:13   at the age that I am and know what I [TS]

01:00:15   know that's what blows me away about [TS]

01:00:16   that guy is anybody could go hey I want [TS]

01:00:18   to make I won't have videos be on MTV [TS]

01:00:20   right back in my day or like I i have [TS]

01:00:23   this gut sense that i would be a great [TS]

01:00:25   prog rock drummer and haha on the most [TS]

01:00:28   fundamental level you go with you ever [TS]

01:00:30   played drums and you're like no no but i [TS]

01:00:32   know i'd be really good at it and it's [TS]

01:00:34   like well the first test would be to go [TS]

01:00:36   out and see whether you like playing [TS]

01:00:37   drums [TS]

01:00:38   do you have access to drums is that what [TS]

01:00:39   you would want to do and you certainly [TS]

01:00:41   can see where I'm going with this but if [TS]

01:00:42   we're going a little bit okay well what [TS]

01:00:45   if actually you don't really like [TS]

01:00:47   playing drums [TS]

01:00:48   what if you try playing drums for a [TS]

01:00:50   while and you realize you don't like [TS]

01:00:51   being in a band [TS]

01:00:53   what if you don't like being around [TS]

01:00:54   people in the music industry but these [TS]

01:00:56   are all the kinds of things that will [TS]

01:00:58   never occur to you if you don't try to [TS]

01:00:59   play drums yeah and get it but there's [TS]

01:01:02   another kind of the if there's anything [TS]

01:01:04   that i am I in my head I wish I could [TS]

01:01:05   change about myself from the past that [TS]

01:01:07   it's not notice it's too late now [TS]

01:01:08   because it is still useful to me is that [TS]

01:01:10   idea of like rather than trying to see a [TS]

01:01:13   result of something and emulate that I [TS]

01:01:15   really admire the people who instantly [TS]

01:01:17   understand a process over the product [TS]

01:01:19   and in the case of that guy [TS]

01:01:21   there's something about in that case [TS]

01:01:23   maybe just got lucky but he understood [TS]

01:01:24   there was a big difference between [TS]

01:01:26   arguing with his friends starbucks about [TS]

01:01:27   who'd be a better director versus just [TS]

01:01:29   showing up [TS]

01:01:30   yeah it's starting to do something now [TS]

01:01:32   maybe you get lucky maybe some other [TS]

01:01:33   things he tried it didn't work out but [TS]

01:01:35   that's that's like another that's like [TS]

01:01:37   being able to fly as far as I'm [TS]

01:01:38   concerned to be 21 years old or even [TS]

01:01:40   that is 19 years old and show up [TS]

01:01:42   somewhere and not seem like a total [TS]

01:01:44   thing is you can be able to figure out [TS]

01:01:46   what this job needs well on this and I [TS]

01:01:48   think you can I got myself to it a big [TS]

01:01:51   part of it is he was able to show up at [TS]

01:01:53   that at that video shoot at age 16 17 [TS]

01:01:57   and not seem like a total dingus who and [TS]

01:01:59   that is the thing perhaps that is a [TS]

01:02:01   talent perhaps I lacked whereas i would [TS]

01:02:03   go in wearing choppers carrying a [TS]

01:02:05   folding chair without riding crop me [TS]

01:02:07   shave my head and happy [TS]

01:02:08   one of the girls on the back door where [TS]

01:02:12   do i set this chair because I got to say [TS]

01:02:15   all along the way to change the topic [TS]

01:02:16   but like all along the way the things [TS]

01:02:18   I've tried to nominally succeed at that [TS]

01:02:20   I didn't even fucking understand you [TS]

01:02:22   know to begin with [TS]

01:02:23   I've always been put off by how this [TS]

01:02:26   wasn't how I thought it was going to be [TS]

01:02:27   so yeah I was honestly it was organized [TS]

01:02:31   music things because I was never a good [TS]

01:02:32   team player [TS]

01:02:33   it helps to be a good team player before [TS]

01:02:34   you do anything on a team or it helps to [TS]

01:02:37   be open to the fact that you'll have to [TS]

01:02:38   be part of that team for example so you [TS]

01:02:40   know I I be on the team [TS]

01:02:43   yeah yeah and excited to set aside [TS]

01:02:44   whatever your notion of how this should [TS]

01:02:46   go is if you're not constantly raising [TS]

01:02:48   your hand sanctioned we be seeing Roger [TS]

01:02:49   welcome now you know where the whatever [TS]

01:02:52   your idea is from things you've seen in [TS]

01:02:53   movies and play over in your head again [TS]

01:02:55   and again when i look at the the kids [TS]

01:02:58   that I started out with in high school [TS]

01:03:01   and college the vast majority of them [TS]

01:03:04   knew what they wanted to I think we [TS]

01:03:09   would have said knew what they wanted to [TS]

01:03:10   be rather than knew what they wanted to [TS]

01:03:12   do you know they knew what they wanted [TS]

01:03:14   to be at 15 years old a whole big group [TS]

01:03:19   of my friends in high school decided [TS]

01:03:22   they were going to medical school and I [TS]

01:03:23   think it's largely because there was one [TS]

01:03:26   good biology teacher at East High School [TS]

01:03:28   in Anchorage that I did not have I did [TS]

01:03:31   not take his class but he was an [TS]

01:03:33   inspiring teacher such that a freshman [TS]

01:03:38   year in high school [TS]

01:03:39   I'm sure there were a couple of these [TS]

01:03:40   people who are like I think I want to be [TS]

01:03:42   a doctor but by junior year a whole lot [TS]

01:03:46   of kids had decided to go to medical [TS]

01:03:47   school and when I think about those kids [TS]

01:03:50   now they are my age you know a lot of [TS]

01:03:54   them now 45 years old and they are [TS]

01:03:56   doctors have been doctored basically [TS]

01:04:00   since they were 15 years old you know [TS]

01:04:02   they've been on that path i remember i [TS]

01:04:06   was living in a fraternity house at [TS]

01:04:08   Cornell for a summer and one of the guys [TS]

01:04:12   who was living in the fraternity with me [TS]

01:04:13   over the summer was I [TS]

01:04:17   he was going to join the Navy to be a [TS]

01:04:20   fighter pilot and at the time i guess i [TS]

01:04:25   was 20 21 something like that he was [TS]

01:04:28   that age and he was graduating that [TS]

01:04:31   summer from cornell and on his way to [TS]

01:04:33   flight training school for the Navy had [TS]

01:04:38   and he enlisted in the navy already well [TS]

01:04:40   when I think about that guy which I do [TS]

01:04:42   periodically if he succeeded in getting [TS]

01:04:47   his wings he was a fighter pilot in the [TS]

01:04:52   Navy for 20 he's now entering his 23rd [TS]

01:04:58   year as a Navy pilot and he he knew to [TS]

01:05:04   make that decision or he made that [TS]

01:05:06   decision and stuck with it I'm you know [TS]

01:05:08   I i extrapolate but i assume that this [TS]

01:05:10   guy is now a full captain in the Navy [TS]

01:05:15   and retired from flying jets and either [TS]

01:05:19   retired from the navy or is like running [TS]

01:05:21   a battle group somewhere [TS]

01:05:24   and I contrast those life choices those [TS]

01:05:28   life marks against my own which has [TS]

01:05:33   mostly consisted of filling up paper [TS]

01:05:36   bags with stuff from thrift stores and [TS]

01:05:40   then arranging it is also unglamorous [TS]

01:05:42   are ending in piles thunderclaps [TS]

01:05:45   periodically you know losing the thread [TS]

01:05:48   of what which pile of which pile of hats [TS]

01:05:52   belongs at what bag and then it's 25 [TS]

01:05:55   years later and you don't like cold and [TS]

01:06:01   i'm thinking more like gold what and i [TS]

01:06:05   go i do have an awful lot of cool hats [TS]

01:06:07   you know that is something nobody can [TS]

01:06:10   take away from me but i'm not even going [TS]

01:06:13   to try to buck you up because i know [TS]

01:06:14   there's no point to it but so many [TS]

01:06:16   people would love to be you [TS]

01:06:18   isn't that sad we have no doubt that I [TS]

01:06:21   am [TS]

01:06:21   yeah real 1i yeah when I take off all [TS]

01:06:23   the all the course it's just I don't I i [TS]

01:06:30   just looked like buka salt [TS]

01:06:33   I want my own little bit now [TS]

01:06:38   oh my god oh yeah I i do not like [TS]

01:06:45   comparing myself to other people [TS]

01:06:47   it's terrible it's terrible and I just [TS]

01:06:49   don't find it useful I mean I still get [TS]

01:06:51   they still kind of do it maybe I'm just [TS]

01:06:52   scared to do it but it's just so you [TS]

01:06:56   feel so unproductive to me and does it [TS]

01:06:58   doesn't is not even makes me feel bad or [TS]

01:07:00   good it just you know it's just it's I i [TS]

01:07:06   don't know i don't know what i would do [TS]

01:07:07   based on that particular like [TS]

01:07:10   identifying the Delta between these two [TS]

01:07:11   things will help me to what better would [TS]

01:07:14   you what differently now I know where we [TS]

01:07:15   have slightly different minds about [TS]

01:07:16   these things probably but like for me I [TS]

01:07:18   just like why would I dalene only put it [TS]

01:07:20   this way when i watch other people doing [TS]

01:07:22   that like all the time i just it just [TS]

01:07:24   makes me like almost seed wondering what [TS]

01:07:27   are you doing like tell me how this [TS]

01:07:29   turns out great [TS]

01:07:30   how would you spend less time comparing [TS]

01:07:31   yourself to other people unlike more [TS]

01:07:33   time just doing it [TS]

01:07:34   yeah it's very unattractive it there's [TS]

01:07:36   nothing about you I don't feel like you [TS]

01:07:38   really do that you really do that i [TS]

01:07:40   don't i don't get it isn't it is more it [TS]

01:07:43   is more on an emblem of the darkness [TS]

01:07:46   that settles on me who um you know when [TS]

01:07:49   i first read the book no country for old [TS]

01:07:51   men i was in some ways furious because i [TS]

01:07:58   have been daydreaming about stumbling on [TS]

01:08:01   a drug deal gone wrong and and sifted [TS]

01:08:07   you know like walking through what has [TS]

01:08:09   clearly been a a a showdown shootout and [TS]

01:08:13   finding like a truck full of drugs and [TS]

01:08:16   money that was at the center of this [TS]

01:08:18   pitched battle and then like kick [TS]

01:08:24   pushing the body that is in the driver's [TS]

01:08:27   seat off into the dirt in your mind [TS]

01:08:29   you've already done this a hundred times [TS]

01:08:30   I had I had I had done it a hundred [TS]

01:08:32   times before i read this book and was [TS]

01:08:34   like someone stole my plot but but i [TS]

01:08:40   have apply your plot for easy money [TS]

01:08:43   falling in love with soul my easy-money [TS]

01:08:46   plot like i'm kinda I'm not a guy that's [TS]

01:08:50   gonna do direct marketing but I am [TS]

01:08:52   definitely a guy that if he sees brake [TS]

01:08:55   lights up up a dark road [TS]

01:08:57   uh-huh and hears gunshots he is headed [TS]

01:09:00   that way i'm headed that way through the [TS]

01:09:03   woods notnot away because this is a [TS]

01:09:05   scenario that has always do you know it [TS]

01:09:08   starts you know you know that the signal [TS]

01:09:10   that something we just went down [TS]

01:09:11   yeah somebody tried to somebody tried to [TS]

01:09:13   like sneak around the back and and get [TS]

01:09:15   the drop on them but they actually had [TS]

01:09:17   the money there was like a they had the [TS]

01:09:19   money it wasn't going to be a ripoff but [TS]

01:09:21   then uh overzealous you know young [TS]

01:09:24   lieutenant decided he was going to [TS]

01:09:26   circle around behind and then somebody [TS]

01:09:28   you know shoots him and then he shoots [TS]

01:09:31   back and then all by schutz everybody [TS]

01:09:33   and then everybody's dead and here's the [TS]

01:09:36   and the cars are all still idling is it [TS]

01:09:38   probably in a gym bag the money full of [TS]

01:09:40   money and drugs well you know depending [TS]

01:09:42   on how what how far I want to go with [TS]

01:09:44   this fantasy it's a suburban full of gym [TS]

01:09:46   bags full of [TS]

01:09:47   because they're buying their buying the [TS]

01:09:49   like a metric ton of squeak and history [TS]

01:09:53   is week is like a slight minting [TS]

01:09:55   Krugerrands huh [TS]

01:09:57   but anyway it caused me after no country [TS]

01:10:02   for old men came out it caused me to [TS]

01:10:03   turn that light back on myself and [TS]

01:10:05   reflect on why i have spent so many [TS]

01:10:09   hours of my life playing out this [TS]

01:10:12   scenario and what that what that easy [TS]

01:10:17   money [TS]

01:10:18   I mean I think everybody maybe not [TS]

01:10:20   everybody but i think that carrying [TS]

01:10:22   around an easy money fantasy is is a big [TS]

01:10:25   part of of being a human being or being [TS]

01:10:28   an American and having it happen or [TS]

01:10:31   being finally able to do a specific [TS]

01:10:33   thing [TS]

01:10:34   well that I could finally buy a carousel [TS]

01:10:37   yeah i can find out like I'm going to be [TS]

01:10:39   relieved of all of my money tension and [TS]

01:10:43   Happiness will will a light on my [TS]

01:10:46   shoulder like a bluebird of happiness [TS]

01:10:48   who and as I've as I've played out this [TS]

01:10:53   the scenario like okay now you've got [TS]

01:10:55   now you have us this untraceable duffel [TS]

01:10:58   bag full of the pace owns your [TS]

01:11:02   opportunity and what are you gonna do [TS]

01:11:06   and the reality is everything that I [TS]

01:11:08   would choose to do in that moment that [TS]

01:11:11   would be that I have that having run the [TS]

01:11:14   scenario would be something I would [TS]

01:11:15   actually choose to do is something i [TS]

01:11:17   could just choose to do right now you [TS]

01:11:20   know if I had if I had 10 million [TS]

01:11:22   dollars what i do i moved to new york [TS]

01:11:23   will just go move to New York if you [TS]

01:11:25   want to do that [TS]

01:11:26   oh well i moved to new york and i live [TS]

01:11:28   in a really nice apartment well go move [TS]

01:11:30   to New York and within a year or two [TS]

01:11:31   you'll probably have a pretty nice [TS]

01:11:32   apartment because that's how it goes [TS]

01:11:33   like the the idea that there are still [TS]

01:11:38   things in my life I'm waiting to pull [TS]

01:11:39   the trigger on and the only reason i [TS]

01:11:43   can't do it is that I have not found a [TS]

01:11:44   duffel bag of of drug money at a crime [TS]

01:11:47   scene is this like it's it's any an [TS]

01:11:52   incredible three-way mirror on myself [TS]

01:11:55   because all the other things that I you [TS]

01:11:58   know all the more elaborate [TS]

01:12:00   choices i would make like i'll move to [TS]

01:12:02   England live in a castle [TS]

01:12:03   well you would be lonely and cold if you [TS]

01:12:08   did that because you don't have anything [TS]

01:12:10   you know like you're the friends that I [TS]

01:12:12   have an England would come visit my [TS]

01:12:14   castle a couple of times you know that I [TS]

01:12:18   i'm not going to move to some little bit [TS]

01:12:19   like a friend of yours down a bunch of [TS]

01:12:21   money and moved into a castle when you [TS]

01:12:23   be like a quite an asshole [TS]

01:12:25   yeah i would use a castle asshole second [TS]

01:12:28   that's your that's what you did you move [TS]

01:12:29   into a castle that's not gonna let you [TS]

01:12:31   run out and go oh my gosh let me go [TS]

01:12:33   celebrate his good fortune in his new [TS]

01:12:35   castle in which he lives alone right [TS]

01:12:37   and nor would I move to Florida or [TS]

01:12:40   Southern California good because i have [TS]

01:12:42   been many times to Florida and Southern [TS]

01:12:44   California and I don't even want to be [TS]

01:12:45   there that long at just passing through [TS]

01:12:48   this is that quotidian like middle-class [TS]

01:12:51   bullshit dream of right retirement why [TS]

01:12:54   not it doesn't have to be with me know [TS]

01:12:55   if you mind your whole life and you can [TS]

01:12:58   barely breathe [TS]

01:12:58   god I hope you get to retire soon but [TS]

01:13:00   it's just this whole idea of this that [TS]

01:13:02   the big the big journey being to get to [TS]

01:13:04   this place for you don't have to do [TS]

01:13:05   anything [TS]

01:13:06   yeah that's so depressing and what I [TS]

01:13:08   really want to do in life is write a [TS]

01:13:10   book i want to have an article that I [TS]

01:13:13   right be in The New Yorker I want to be [TS]

01:13:17   consulted for your expertise as a [TS]

01:13:20   retired uh that's right i want to be on [TS]

01:13:22   the board of directors and several [TS]

01:13:23   fortune 500 companies so much more that [TS]

01:13:26   is so much more in your grasp then you [TS]

01:13:28   realize what everyone else on the board [TS]

01:13:30   Quivers and terror as soon as I clear my [TS]

01:13:33   throat and sit forward in my chair like [TS]

01:13:35   all these other guys are like oh shit oh [TS]

01:13:37   shit don't let it be me this time don't [TS]

01:13:39   let it be me like I want these things [TS]

01:13:41   and these are not things that that any [TS]

01:13:44   pile of bags of money are going to are [TS]

01:13:48   going to get for me and if I had if I [TS]

01:13:50   found all this drug money [TS]

01:13:52   I i would still be dissatisfied I would [TS]

01:13:55   still want to write a book i would still [TS]

01:13:58   want to be published in The New Yorker [TS]

01:13:59   and so that [TS]

01:14:04   and yet this fantasy is is still a great [TS]

01:14:08   comfort to me you know when i'm sitting [TS]

01:14:10   staring at a spot on the wall [TS]

01:14:12   I no longer am commanding a space battle [TS]

01:14:15   group like I did for so many years in my [TS]

01:14:18   childhood because i've i've decided that [TS]

01:14:20   that is an unrealistic goal [TS]

01:14:22   hmm to be to be a Admiral even with [TS]

01:14:26   their the pace of technology is now [TS]

01:14:27   increasing the lack of pace of lack of [TS]

01:14:29   technology what we should be we're not [TS]

01:14:32   where we should be and stuff let's be [TS]

01:14:33   honest if right now I was watching sea [TS]

01:14:36   beans glitter off the shoulder of Orion [TS]

01:14:38   ravu and was but the odds space battle [TS]

01:14:43   ships on fire outside the 10 Hauser [TS]

01:14:44   game-high he dies right at three says [TS]

01:14:48   that i would i would have a little bit [TS]

01:14:51   more hope for that possibility but what [TS]

01:14:53   it seems like right now is that if I [TS]

01:14:55   really pursued that I would just be one [TS]

01:14:56   of those kids playing playing a [TS]

01:14:58   multiplayer video games computer and [TS]

01:15:00   convincing myself that I was especially [TS]

01:15:02   got better than your operating at a [TS]

01:15:04   higher level so but but now you know [TS]

01:15:08   what I'm what I'm laying in repose and [TS]

01:15:10   staring at a spot on the wall [TS]

01:15:12   I confess more often than not i'm [TS]

01:15:16   playing out some scenario great truck [TS]

01:15:19   full of money goes off a cliff and i'm [TS]

01:15:20   the only one to see it happen and that [TS]

01:15:22   is embarrassing even personally [TS]

01:15:26   embarrassing not even about me I never [TS]

01:15:27   admitted it to anybody until now but i [TS]

01:15:29   was already embarrassed by it i was [TS]

01:15:31   pretty embarrassed just because the 13 [TS]

01:15:34   that looks at the other thing it's like [TS]

01:15:35   it seriously it's pretty mundane it's [TS]

01:15:38   like having your ultimate sexual fantasy [TS]

01:15:40   be to kiss boobs [TS]

01:15:41   it is exactly back like no no I want to [TS]

01:15:44   know like what is the most outlandish [TS]

01:15:45   thing even hundred like kissing purpose [TS]

01:15:48   just boobs because I think I've got a [TS]

01:15:50   lot a million dollars in a bag is [TS]

01:15:54   actually learn that small potatoes you [TS]

01:15:56   had not because I'm not grasp right a [TS]

01:15:58   million dollars in a bag if I was like [TS]

01:16:00   if I if I said on the podcast today you [TS]

01:16:02   know what I want a million dollars in a [TS]

01:16:03   bag [TS]

01:16:04   yeah how long do you think it would take [TS]

01:16:06   me to get a million dollars in a bag [TS]

01:16:08   like if you tried or people just like I [TS]

01:16:10   was like single-mindedly I'm going to do [TS]

01:16:13   whatever tasting months 18 months that's [TS]

01:16:15   right that's about what i think and if [TS]

01:16:17   you don't think that [TS]

01:16:18   true you haven't really thought it out a [TS]

01:16:19   lot of you it is money money is and it's [TS]

01:16:23   not that it's easy to get money it's [TS]

01:16:24   just a very few of us are prepared for [TS]

01:16:26   what else comes along with getting money [TS]

01:16:28   and what you give up to get money which [TS]

01:16:30   sounds really cliché because you don't [TS]

01:16:31   have the money but once you get the [TS]

01:16:32   money you realize that it's not simply [TS]

01:16:34   just a rich person problem it's that [TS]

01:16:36   there are there are like everything is [TS]

01:16:38   fucking complicated it's just what are [TS]

01:16:40   you going to give up to do and i'm not [TS]

01:16:41   even i'm not even doing the Kobayashi [TS]

01:16:43   Maru here I'm not even saying that [TS]

01:16:44   you've got to golike cheat to do it I'm [TS]

01:16:46   not even saying you've got to go cause [TS]

01:16:48   the truck to fall off [TS]

01:16:49   I think ultimately I would probably have [TS]

01:16:51   I would actually pull the Kaiser so say [TS]

01:16:53   but yes I would you know I have seen the [TS]

01:16:55   end of Tommy Hinds I this is one of the [TS]

01:16:58   many many many reasons that I find I [TS]

01:17:01   really really am trying to use this word [TS]

01:17:04   less because it's not a good word [TS]

01:17:06   I hate lotteries I hate lottery tickets [TS]

01:17:08   i hate scratch-off ticket I certainly [TS]

01:17:10   hit the lines they create the word that [TS]

01:17:12   you don't want to use hate I trying to [TS]

01:17:14   use the word hate yeah right Brad to [TS]

01:17:16   despise is a cop out that I use a lot [TS]

01:17:18   but I'm trying to avoid saying that for [TS]

01:17:19   everything because i have I don't hate [TS]

01:17:21   it i do you poop on it [TS]

01:17:23   I poop on my poop on lottery tickets [TS]

01:17:25   because for the for the obvious reasons [TS]

01:17:27   that meaning any liberal would have is [TS]

01:17:29   that its work for attacks on our bad [TS]

01:17:31   about it but it's also it's it makes it [TS]

01:17:34   hard for me to get my tequila and my [TS]

01:17:36   daughter's milk and we both need those [TS]

01:17:39   right dude we do get your tequila and [TS]

01:17:41   your daughter's milk at the same place [TS]

01:17:42   it's not going to Kayla and it's not [TS]

01:17:44   super fresh milk up i'm not gonna lie to [TS]

01:17:46   you but this concept that if you if you [TS]

01:17:49   want it [TS]

01:17:50   yeah well it's the one not if there's [TS]

01:17:52   the one the only one that only want to [TS]

01:17:53   finish here and this is the problem with [TS]

01:17:55   the lottery is in some way the same [TS]

01:17:56   problem with the John the John truck [TS]

01:17:58   full of drug money fantasy which is I [TS]

01:18:00   think those people who go in there and I [TS]

01:18:02   watched I waited in line behind a guy [TS]

01:18:04   the other day who paid for lottery [TS]

01:18:07   tickets with a hundred-dollar bill he [TS]

01:18:09   bought and got it look at dollar he [TS]

01:18:10   bought a hundred dollars worth of [TS]

01:18:12   lottery tickets the guy in front of me [TS]

01:18:13   and I don't know enough about the [TS]

01:18:15   lottery system to know whether that's a [TS]

01:18:17   great better not but I don't think you [TS]

01:18:21   need to win a lot to keep doing the [TS]

01:18:22   lottery [TS]

01:18:23   I think you like any gambling you need [TS]

01:18:25   to just win just enough to show that the [TS]

01:18:27   systems not totally wrecked and to get [TS]

01:18:29   that little Pinot dopamine bird [TS]

01:18:31   just but it's the the lottery at the [TS]

01:18:34   most basic level this is a very subtle [TS]

01:18:36   Oscar Wilde soul of man under socialism [TS]

01:18:39   kind of point probably but it's the in [TS]

01:18:41   Smalling of the human soul that the [TS]

01:18:43   lottery causes because you're getting [TS]

01:18:45   into such a stupid habit that every time [TS]

01:18:49   you do it you make that habit stronger [TS]

01:18:50   you go when you do it over and over and [TS]

01:18:53   have you done the fucking most basic [TS]

01:18:56   monochrome of research to find out [TS]

01:18:57   whether people who win the lottery are [TS]

01:18:59   happy right well can't even win the [TS]

01:19:02   lottery people who win [TS]

01:19:03   no I don't mean that you only get a free [TS]

01:19:05   scratcher you get that with every [TS]

01:19:07   hundred million dollars you win 300 [TS]

01:19:09   million dollars go out and find out [TS]

01:19:11   whether those people are happy because [TS]

01:19:13   you know what they're not fucking James [TS]

01:19:14   Bond they're not Tony Stark their people [TS]

01:19:17   who now have new problems [TS]

01:19:20   yeah and they are new problems they [TS]

01:19:22   never knew existed because they don't [TS]

01:19:24   have the training to have 300 million [TS]

01:19:26   dollars they take their country kitchen [TS]

01:19:28   aesthetic and then everyone have [TS]

01:19:30   document basket now if applied to a [TS]

01:19:33   40,000 square foot home and I dogs in [TS]

01:19:36   baskets everywhere they gonna get a [TS]

01:19:38   42-foot duck itself slightest here's the [TS]

01:19:41   thing that by the world's largest duck [TS]

01:19:43   and it makes them neatly you know you [TS]

01:19:45   know what now I need the world's largest [TS]

01:19:47   basket the fucking basket was supposed [TS]

01:19:48   to be here by ten-thirty [TS]

01:19:50   it's not here this is the thing that you [TS]

01:19:52   can and a.m and I've run this on my I [TS]

01:19:55   run this in this scenario everyone this [TS]

01:19:57   scenario run this you know this admin on [TS]

01:20:00   my own mind which is let's say you won [TS]

01:20:03   300 million dollars [TS]

01:20:05   yeah now what would you do and the [TS]

01:20:07   reality is if you don't immediately [TS]

01:20:10   I mean first of all you get halfway to [TS]

01:20:11   taxes but if you don't immediately give [TS]

01:20:14   another habit the the next half away [TS]

01:20:17   just like the first thing you do your [TS]

01:20:21   you're on the road to madness like a [TS]

01:20:23   hundred and fifty million dollars if you [TS]

01:20:26   have that it can start from zero I mean [TS]

01:20:30   I i have i have a just going to be [TS]

01:20:32   eating large amounts of the same shitty [TS]

01:20:35   takeout food you're going to be tipping [TS]

01:20:36   more for the same fucking pole dancer [TS]

01:20:38   nothing is going to change yeah i have [TS]

01:20:40   an incredibly active imagination and I [TS]

01:20:42   cannot think [TS]

01:20:43   of what i would spend that money on and [TS]

01:20:46   and you don't have the training that's [TS]

01:20:48   what I'm trying to say is like you don't [TS]

01:20:49   just show up on day one it's like those [TS]

01:20:51   people who are like oh you know I've [TS]

01:20:52   never been in a fight but i'm pretty [TS]

01:20:54   sure I'd be good as a fighter like I've [TS]

01:20:56   never I've never run more than half a [TS]

01:20:58   block to catch a bus without feeling [TS]

01:20:59   like I'm having a heart attack but i'm [TS]

01:21:00   pretty sure i could run a marathon [TS]

01:21:01   you're doing the existential your whole [TS]

01:21:04   life is completely i'm not trying to say [TS]

01:21:06   don't make money but i am saying that [TS]

01:21:07   like just imagining like you give away [TS]

01:21:10   so much in your life by fantasizing [TS]

01:21:12   about something that would actually not [TS]

01:21:13   be that great for you if I so different [TS]

01:21:15   i wish i had all the weed in the world [TS]

01:21:17   if I well why don't we might be so [TS]

01:21:19   fucking take all the time [TS]

01:21:21   I what I would do is I would lord it [TS]

01:21:23   over all the fucking stoners is a hard [TS]

01:21:26   as they can do fancy dances with subs [TS]

01:21:28   donors want some weed [TS]

01:21:29   hmm we're gonna get it i'll require a [TS]

01:21:31   fancy dance for that you get it for me [TS]

01:21:32   and you know what I don't want to give [TS]

01:21:34   you anyways today sometime tomorrow [TS]

01:21:36   maybe tomorrow [TS]

01:21:37   given its like with your sister just got [TS]

01:21:39   one to get the lid is going tiny little [TS]

01:21:41   bit that this is the thing about we'd [TS]

01:21:43   like you know maybe they become obsessed [TS]

01:21:45   and you're like you come back tomorrow [TS]

01:21:47   I don't have any weed today because I [TS]

01:21:49   get so the 18 hit shit [TS]

01:21:51   oh yeah anyway that's what you think is [TS]

01:21:53   the first thing I would do a 550 million [TS]

01:21:55   dollars of course is by both of my [TS]

01:21:57   neighbors houses and tear them down [TS]

01:21:59   it wasn't there when I would tell the [TS]

01:22:01   parts i think i'd walk over there and be [TS]

01:22:04   like what the difference is how much [TS]

01:22:06   warning okay here's the thing though [TS]

01:22:08   there's think outside the box [TS]

01:22:09   what you really want is to not have [TS]

01:22:11   those houses there and for them to be [TS]

01:22:12   gone right now the question is how much [TS]

01:22:15   warning do you have to give that's a [TS]

01:22:16   class how much money you got [TS]

01:22:17   because if you could literally have it [TS]

01:22:18   level to like while you're away yeah [TS]

01:22:20   yeah everybody keep everybody off [TS]

01:22:23   it's like that grade that great old this [TS]

01:22:25   may be completely apocryphal but the [TS]

01:22:27   great craigslist gag where the guy i [TS]

01:22:30   guess it was a it was a millionaires [TS]

01:22:32   club situation where a bunch of laborers [TS]

01:22:34   or outside of a a little laborers are [TS]

01:22:37   outside of Labor hall and guys come up [TS]

01:22:39   in a truck and say you you and you get [TS]

01:22:41   in the truck and he he's he's like you [TS]

01:22:44   know this guy pulls up in a truck any [TS]

01:22:46   pics 15 guys off the street and he says [TS]

01:22:47   I'm gonna pay off you know 40 bucks an [TS]

01:22:49   hour to do some demo work for me drives [TS]

01:22:52   over there's a house and he's like the [TS]

01:22:54   only tear this house down yes and these [TS]

01:22:56   40 guys all go and they tear the house [TS]

01:22:58   to the ground and then the guy never [TS]

01:22:59   comes back and it turns out it was his [TS]

01:23:01   ex-wife's out right right right that's [TS]

01:23:03   probably that's probably snopes but that [TS]

01:23:05   is a good one [TS]

01:23:06   it's a super google video yeah but [TS]

01:23:08   that'd be a great feeling to walk up to [TS]

01:23:09   your next-door neighbor knocked on the [TS]

01:23:10   door and same your house is worth 300 [TS]

01:23:13   grand [TS]

01:23:14   I'm gonna throw in an extra 50 if you [TS]

01:23:16   can be outputted after know and this [TS]

01:23:18   will you pick what they like and the [TS]

01:23:19   magic christian right I'm like what can [TS]

01:23:21   you get people to do for money but [TS]

01:23:23   here's the thing the security guard [TS]

01:23:24   addresses you know despair certainly are [TS]

01:23:27   probably better than just about anybody [TS]

01:23:29   i think we had this discussion right out [TS]

01:23:30   yeah I easy he knows whereof he speaks [TS]

01:23:32   and it's a great thing for people to [TS]

01:23:34   read and but I think it's one thing to [TS]

01:23:38   have freedom and it's another thing to [TS]

01:23:40   have impunity and I think people think [TS]

01:23:42   small and i think if i had a hundred [TS]

01:23:44   fifty million dollars and finally be [TS]

01:23:46   free [TS]

01:23:47   I wouldn't have to do these things that [TS]

01:23:49   other people make me do that how I am [TS]

01:23:51   but impunity would be so fucking awesome [TS]

01:23:53   it would be so nice if you were truly [TS]

01:23:56   the kind of damage person who craves [TS]

01:23:58   that large amount of money without [TS]

01:23:58   knowing why [TS]

01:23:59   yeah you know like if you were just [TS]

01:24:01   going to I'm going to build the world's [TS]

01:24:02   biggest bong i would say more power to [TS]

01:24:04   you [TS]

01:24:04   why don't you get us find out exactly [TS]

01:24:06   what that would cost and then maybe [TS]

01:24:07   going to a Kickstarter or something [TS]

01:24:09   right [TS]

01:24:09   but but if you really did want to become [TS]

01:24:11   like an evil super genius [TS]

01:24:13   I that is what i can really admire is [TS]

01:24:15   somebody who says now [TS]

01:24:17   no I i just i don't i started I want [TS]

01:24:19   this house is gone i just i want to be [TS]

01:24:21   able to do that and not in trouble for [TS]

01:24:22   it [TS]

01:24:23   yeah i mean that as somebody who already [TS]

01:24:25   feels like you mostly operates without [TS]

01:24:30   impunity who with impunity getting [TS]

01:24:34   information you need a permission slip [TS]

01:24:35   without with impunity without with him [TS]

01:24:37   without what you work with Kennedy you [TS]

01:24:40   yeah you operate the opportunity i do i [TS]

01:24:43   do have unity [TS]

01:24:44   no I I feel like for the most part the [TS]

01:24:49   the reshaping influences on me are you [TS]

01:24:54   know the opinions of my close friends [TS]

01:24:56   but i have it i would take 50 grand like [TS]

01:24:59   you exactly i mean i could tear the hash [TS]

01:25:02   take a chair down every house in this [TS]

01:25:04   neighborhood except that you know that [TS]

01:25:07   like some of my friends would be like me [TS]

01:25:09   that was again now that John's an [TS]

01:25:12   asshole before he just seems a little [TS]

01:25:13   bit like a curiosity right yeah and you [TS]

01:25:17   can't buy your friends love you can't [TS]

01:25:19   buy fear you have to instill fear [TS]

01:25:21   there's no scratch off ticket for fear [TS]

01:25:24   if I had some if I had a lot more money [TS]

01:25:26   i think i would be able I would be [TS]

01:25:28   around I would be buying so you know i [TS]

01:25:29   like all those other people the [TS]

01:25:31   following builders and the dream makers [TS]

01:25:33   and the rainbow sniffers you are [TS]

01:25:34   literally practice pressing this in your [TS]

01:25:36   head every day you know exactly what you [TS]

01:25:38   do you forget plans I don't say you've [TS]

01:25:40   probably got plans and tubes right now [TS]

01:25:41   that you can roll out but my first plan [TS]

01:25:44   is to build a giant trebuchet and then [TS]

01:25:47   just Huck like big sort of 50 gallon [TS]

01:25:51   cans of Quaker Oats just hug him all [TS]

01:25:55   over the city just see what what to see [TS]

01:25:57   how far they can gallery oh yeah just [TS]

01:25:59   think nobody's going to expect because [TS]

01:26:00   it's beautiful stuff and despise you [TS]

01:26:03   look up in the sky you see that finger [TS]

01:26:04   pointer over there so many levels no no [TS]

01:26:06   it's not even think all they see is a [TS]

01:26:07   55-gallon drum in there to get oil well [TS]

01:26:10   but but if it looks like because the [TS]

01:26:12   Quaker Oats guy [TS]

01:26:14   oh it's a big picture draw the Quaker on [TS]

01:26:16   it oh you have you you would make fact [TS]

01:26:18   similes of the quaker oats [TS]

01:26:20   uh-huh a little little Janice that [TS]

01:26:23   changes everything except out of a [TS]

01:26:25   50-gallon drum so so this perspective of [TS]

01:26:28   that flying through the sky you have no [TS]

01:26:29   sense of how big it was to be like what [TS]

01:26:32   does that flying Quaker Oats thing and [TS]

01:26:33   then as it got closer to show it just [TS]

01:26:35   keep getting bigger and bigger [TS]

01:26:36   ik and your mind would be your mind [TS]

01:26:38   would think is this thing 50 stories [TS]

01:26:41   tall like you have no sense of how big [TS]

01:26:43   it was until it landed and and there [TS]

01:26:46   were notes every Pringles can a giant [TS]

01:26:49   fewer if you had a trebuchet that was [TS]

01:26:51   throwing giant wrinkles cans and [TS]

01:26:53   everybody knows what it looks like [TS]

01:26:55   everybody knows how big it is [TS]

01:26:56   yeah it's got a very familiar form [TS]

01:26:58   factor its flying through the sky and it [TS]

01:27:00   as it gets closer [TS]

01:27:02   you have no you have note you have no [TS]

01:27:04   idea how what's happening how big was [TS]

01:27:07   just that's warming up you just at that [TS]

01:27:08   point you had some trouble she's not you [TS]

01:27:10   have do you have a sense of it you [TS]

01:27:11   shouldn't say I could I think for I [TS]

01:27:13   think for six thousand dollars i could [TS]

01:27:16   accomplish that [TS]

01:27:17   okay i'm gonna put that down 600,000 I [TS]

01:27:19   think you could get and if i could say [TS]

01:27:20   you should [TS]

01:27:21   a trebuchet in a back up trash and that [TS]

01:27:23   and that includes finds they can look [TS]

01:27:26   even the zoning for a minute 37 for [TS]

01:27:28   trying to shake if I'm if I'm fucking [TS]

01:27:30   giant Quaker Oats cans all over the city [TS]

01:27:32   i'm gonna face fuck haha good thing [TS]

01:27:35   because it lets zone for oats [TS]

01:27:37   yeah that's there's get there going to [TS]

01:27:38   be complaints uh-huh but that's factored [TS]

01:27:41   into the price how crooked is king [TS]

01:27:43   county and in seattle KKR you with that [TS]

01:27:45   would there be a way that you can start [TS]

01:27:46   crossing some palms in advance you do it [TS]

01:27:48   before or after the trebuchet derived it [TS]

01:27:49   isn't a sense of it being crooked it is [TS]

01:27:51   a sense of I am very wired it was you [TS]

01:27:55   showing up at meetings and they say [TS]

01:27:56   there's that guy i know all the power [TS]

01:27:58   brokers who and so that you may be those [TS]

01:28:00   relationships that is there a Laura [TS]

01:28:02   Roderick bloodline that runs into the [TS]

01:28:04   headquarters of power still uh actually [TS]

01:28:07   most of the most other most of those [TS]

01:28:10   guys most of the people that know the [TS]

01:28:11   old school they're all gone [TS]

01:28:14   there are a couple of guys like the my [TS]

01:28:16   TV is a sort of powerful politician [TS]

01:28:22   local Paul and memory is the Sun SEO you [TS]

01:28:26   got Sally right Samantha lot of there [TS]

01:28:31   are a lot of sons of guys who were you [TS]

01:28:33   know level command partners from my dad [TS]

01:28:36   but but I have made my own relationships [TS]

01:28:38   with the local the the new younger [TS]

01:28:41   generation of politicians here and this [TS]

01:28:44   is like the bike mayor that's the bike [TS]

01:28:46   mayor and it's the it's the rock and [TS]

01:28:48   roll a county executive event you know [TS]

01:28:53   the roccat rock'n'roll county executive [TS]

01:28:57   and now that the guy but the Democratic [TS]

01:28:59   candidate for governor has has expressed [TS]

01:29:03   area expressed interest in in liaison [TS]

01:29:07   with him haha so if i get a guy in the [TS]

01:29:11   governor's chair then I feel like this [TS]

01:29:13   Quaker Oats plan [TS]

01:29:15   you know you're gonna be fine this is [TS]

01:29:17   there going to be a father [TS]

01:29:18   this happened nothing I don't think [TS]

01:29:20   about head-butter but there's been a lot [TS]

01:29:21   of times where you could get some [TS]

01:29:23   materials or materials you say you could [TS]

01:29:25   get some stuff that looks like it would [TS]

01:29:26   be useful for something that wouldn't be [TS]

01:29:28   a trebuchet many Springs you need a [TS]

01:29:31   large cup you need some kind of I don't [TS]

01:29:33   know the details its adorbs [TS]

01:29:35   yeah okay but Cena logs you could be [TS]

01:29:37   making again you could be making nature [TS]

01:29:39   trails a lawyer would be a perfect way [TS]

01:29:41   to make a nature trail sure I need one [TS]

01:29:43   truck load of logs who so check out of [TS]

01:29:47   logs kinds of logs that logs right [TS]

01:29:49   absolutely [TS]

01:29:51   ok in fact I think you could build a [TS]

01:29:52   trebuchet entirely of logs you would [TS]

01:29:54   mean any other parts i can just fuck [TS]

01:29:56   this whole thing up for you John I think [TS]

01:29:57   I don't know she did for the rest of [TS]

01:29:59   today [TS]

01:30:00   it sounds to me like this is something [TS]

01:30:01   you could make today for about forty [TS]

01:30:03   dollars [TS]

01:30:04   well I would be a smart be like a [TS]

01:30:05   preliminary one a smaller prototype [TS]

01:30:08   yeah maybe don't take out that bodega [TS]

01:30:09   with some oats that was that was one of [TS]

01:30:11   my early internet punk-rock names [TS]

01:30:13   trebuchet actually met a girl who knew [TS]

01:30:18   me as trebuchet your kingly actually [TS]

01:30:20   that wasn't leading striking out a [TS]

01:30:22   folder when you were there that was my [TS]

01:30:23   friendster profile trailer Shane no one [TS]

01:30:26   ever got it but there was a girl who [TS]

01:30:28   knew me as trade boucher on friendster [TS]

01:30:32   who came to a long winter show and she [TS]

01:30:36   had no sense that I was trading che came [TS]

01:30:39   to the show randomly and came up to me [TS]

01:30:42   at the merch table and I recognized her [TS]

01:30:44   from friendster well as someone that I [TS]

01:30:47   had communicated with many times as [TS]

01:30:49   trade boucher and she was like that was [TS]

01:30:51   a great show my god amazing wow the [TS]

01:30:54   Buddha can i buy your merchant I was [TS]

01:30:56   like sitting there thinking should I [TS]

01:30:58   tell her I'm trip check your fellatio [TS]

01:31:00   ontology 69 and her name was something [TS]

01:31:04   like Sam can go over i don't remember [TS]

01:31:06   his ex cutter ex got x.x eyeliner and [TS]

01:31:14   the and i never i didn't cop to it I was [TS]

01:31:17   just like solar merge i took my picture [TS]

01:31:19   with their I had five der and off she [TS]

01:31:22   went into the night and I was like I [TS]

01:31:23   never I never doubted myself as [TS]

01:31:25   trebuchet [TS]

01:31:26   well that's that would be unprofessional [TS]

01:31:28   right if I mean the whole point of good [TS]

01:31:30   designer standard don't don't don't say [TS]

01:31:31   if you know but it's my understanding [TS]

01:31:32   that you want to keep your secret a [TS]

01:31:35   secret long after it doesn't even need [TS]

01:31:37   to be a secret like we don't want to let [TS]

01:31:38   you know we don't need to tell you how [TS]

01:31:39   this ending thing worked [TS]

01:31:40   we're not going to get any of that [TS]

01:31:42   exactly means that true didn't they're [TS]

01:31:44   all kinds of things from world war two [TS]

01:31:45   that given because of the cold war we [TS]

01:31:49   just didn't want anybody know how he we [TS]

01:31:50   kept our secret secret for a long time [TS]

01:31:52   that's how you do right [TS]

01:31:53   yeah well I'm some of that stuff i think [TS]

01:31:55   is still secret not because the thing [TS]

01:31:57   itself but because the methodology and [TS]

01:32:00   who would have known who would have been [TS]

01:32:01   involved at what times [TS]

01:32:02   yeah right and and also use some [TS]

01:32:04   triangulating triangulate all kinds of [TS]

01:32:06   things once you have a little bit of [TS]

01:32:07   information some of those methodologies [TS]

01:32:08   are still in play the whole concept that [TS]

01:32:12   there are two concepts about espionage [TS]

01:32:15   in world war two one is that no Nazi spy [TS]

01:32:19   survived war in England but the [TS]

01:32:22   undiscovered buddy was actually happy [TS]

01:32:26   now pulled up the carpet on every single [TS]

01:32:28   Nazi spy in England that is that's one [TS]

01:32:32   of the world war two and and i know that [TS]

01:32:33   because the Germans kept such good [TS]

01:32:35   records [TS]

01:32:36   well yeah and that that the Germans had [TS]

01:32:38   almost no espionage successful as they [TS]

01:32:41   turned every agent so the Germans were [TS]

01:32:44   like they weren't getting any good [TS]

01:32:46   espionage they were getting all plants [TS]

01:32:49   planted SPM planted information [TS]

01:32:52   double-double agent double operative we [TS]

01:32:54   call that will compromise which term for [TS]

01:32:56   that double triple secret probation who [TS]

01:32:58   can and the other myth is that that the [TS]

01:33:02   UK a and as I don't know if that's a [TS]

01:33:05   myth nobody knows if there were Nazi [TS]

01:33:08   spies who who actually were providing [TS]

01:33:11   good intelligence that were that went [TS]

01:33:12   undiscovered nobody knows the other I [TS]

01:33:15   mean somebody probably knows but we [TS]

01:33:17   don't as a as a people know that the [TS]

01:33:20   other myth is that the British were [TS]

01:33:23   putting all these guys in trench coats [TS]

01:33:25   with briefcases and poison-tipped [TS]

01:33:27   umbrellas parachuting them behind enemy [TS]

01:33:30   lines in Germany and they were provided [TS]

01:33:33   all this incredible actionable [TS]

01:33:35   intelligence and the reason that we [TS]

01:33:37   think that is that [TS]

01:33:40   the the germans captured some of these [TS]

01:33:42   guys with with umbrellas and entrench [TS]

01:33:45   codes and they thought well if we're [TS]

01:33:46   capturing you know if we captured fifty [TS]

01:33:48   these guys that must mean 500 got [TS]

01:33:50   through but i don't think that that is [TS]

01:33:54   actually true [TS]

01:33:54   the Germans might have captured every [TS]

01:33:56   single spy it just served in the British [TS]

01:33:59   to perpetuate this idea that they're [TS]

01:34:02   spies were getting through a lot of the [TS]

01:34:04   British intelligence just came from [TS]

01:34:05   turncoat Nazis but it served them to to [TS]

01:34:10   perpetuate this idea that they know they [TS]

01:34:12   have spies everywhere so I think some of [TS]

01:34:14   those and some of those there's still [TS]

01:34:16   fueling some of those meals because you [TS]

01:34:19   never know when the secret might be [TS]

01:34:20   useful again exactly if you've got if [TS]

01:34:23   you've got like yeah where the card is [TS]

01:34:25   not a drop it drop what you call we call [TS]

01:34:26   the place where you stick something in a [TS]

01:34:27   hole and then Draco dead you have a dead [TS]

01:34:29   drop and you know as far as you know [TS]

01:34:31   it's not been discovered [TS]

01:34:32   like why would you tell everybody all [TS]

01:34:33   here's where all are dead drops were [TS]

01:34:35   have a nice day [TS]

01:34:36   right because you don't want to tell [TS]

01:34:38   people what you didn't know [TS]

01:34:39   yeah don't tell them I do that every [TS]

01:34:40   game i have safe houses all over this [TS]

01:34:44   country i'm never going to tell anybody [TS]

01:34:45   but you should you said too much already [TS]

01:34:47   so he's the practice of capital exist [TS]

01:34:51   now Constantine rock-and-roll County [TS]

01:34:54   deputy eat does he does he does he play [TS]

01:34:56   guitar like a lazy lee atwater type [TS]

01:34:58   situation do here I like absolutely [TS]

01:35:00   loves he loves rock music us shows he's [TS]

01:35:04   a hip guy because you're familiar with [TS]

01:35:05   this guy [TS]

01:35:06   oh he's a he's a he's a bro fruit and [TS]

01:35:09   you know powerful local politician give [TS]

01:35:12   me the man in the corner it seems like [TS]

01:35:13   somebody if you run into trouble with [TS]

01:35:14   this whole trebuchet thing that [TS]

01:35:15   accounting guy is going to be nice to [TS]

01:35:17   have your going to want people working [TS]

01:35:18   all different angles right well that's [TS]

01:35:20   the thing i'm gonna i'm gonna call him [TS]

01:35:21   i'm going to say listen I misread the [TS]

01:35:23   zoning I thought that this i thought my [TS]

01:35:26   my neighborhood was zoned for Trisha's [TS]

01:35:28   you're like an old woman telling a copy [TS]

01:35:30   didn't see the Sun and puts and cousin [TS]

01:35:32   i-i-i thought I understood if it's very [TS]

01:35:35   complicated language I just want to be [TS]

01:35:36   real clear with this I was completely [TS]

01:35:38   aware that I was making a trip in [TS]

01:35:39   shooting 55-gallon drums votes I'm not [TS]

01:35:41   gonna obviously like I can't take it [TS]

01:35:43   back [TS]

01:35:44   look if I turned around and shooting [TS]

01:35:45   them to the south with that have been [TS]

01:35:47   alright [TS]

01:35:47   I have to tell you I just I didn't know [TS]

01:35:49   up listen listen maybe we can forget [TS]

01:35:52   about the things that get all about this [TS]

01:35:53   is the tickets to the show haha love our [TS]

01:36:02   trebuchet [TS]

01:36:03   [Music] [TS]