Roderick on the Line

00:00:00 ◼   ► hello hi John [TS]

00:00:07 ◼   ► hi Merlin hi how are you [TS]

00:00:11 ◼   ► more than men how are you you sound like [TS]

00:00:17 ◼   ► a lot going on [TS]

00:00:18 ◼   ► no you know i'm so dizzy yeah you're a [TS]

00:00:21 ◼   ► busy person i'm so dizzy I think people [TS]

00:00:25 ◼   ► say that [TS]

00:00:26 ◼   ► busy busy busy busy now I love life is [TS]

00:00:29 ◼   ► like a glass like a big closet [TS]

00:00:30 ◼   ► you know you're always gonna you're [TS]

00:00:32 ◼   ► gonna fill up every one of them no [TS]

00:00:33 ◼   ► matter what [TS]

00:00:34 ◼   ► absolutely true you know people say [TS]

00:00:36 ◼   ► they're busy because i think it's [TS]

00:00:39 ◼   ► indisputable that most other people in [TS]

00:00:42 ◼   ► the world are not doing anything you're [TS]

00:00:45 ◼   ► not busy at all and the so those few [TS]

00:00:48 ◼   ► people who are busy who say I'm really [TS]

00:00:50 ◼   ► busy right now they are the better git [TS]

00:00:53 ◼   ► er done errs for the actual busy people [TS]

00:00:55 ◼   ► and we should support them with all of [TS]

00:00:57 ◼   ► our efforts i got mixed feelings because [TS]

00:01:00 ◼   ► when i say i'm busy it usually means one [TS]

00:01:03 ◼   ► of a couple things and they're both my [TS]

00:01:05 ◼   ► fault [TS]

00:01:06 ◼   ► no I'm never if I I mean I'm a [TS]

00:01:08 ◼   ► disgusting the nature of what I quote [TS]

00:01:11 ◼   ► unquote do it since there's never time [TS]

00:01:13 ◼   ► that I should be too busy unless I you [TS]

00:01:15 ◼   ► have chosen to be too busy mean because [TS]

00:01:18 ◼   ► I'm really its kind of trip everybody [TS]

00:01:19 ◼   ► when they like to admit it or not but [TS]

00:01:21 ◼   ► yeah I with me it means i have [TS]

00:01:22 ◼   ► overcommitted or a plan poorly or all in [TS]

00:01:28 ◼   ► the midst of all that i'm just not being [TS]

00:01:30 ◼   ► very good our effective if you like [TS]

00:01:33 ◼   ► yeah I I whenever I say I'm busy I could [TS]

00:01:37 ◼   ► just replace that with i'm behind the [TS]

00:01:39 ◼   ► 8-ball i'm behind the eight ball that's [TS]

00:01:42 ◼   ► what I mean [TS]

00:01:43 ◼   ► screams I'm sitting in a room right now [TS]

00:01:45 ◼   ► that is basically just boxes and bags of [TS]

00:01:49 ◼   ► things that I haven't attended to and [TS]

00:01:52 ◼   ► the boxes and bags are stacked on other [TS]

00:01:54 ◼   ► boxes and bags until I'm like a I'm like [TS]

00:01:59 ◼   ► a hoarder person where you can only get [TS]

00:02:01 ◼   ► to my computer desk through a corridor [TS]

00:02:03 ◼   ► through a corridor just like stacked [TS]

00:02:08 ◼   ► olds cat food cans [TS]

00:02:12 ◼   ► these newspapers tied with tied with [TS]

00:02:16 ◼   ► ramen noodles and a little taste of the [TS]

00:02:20 ◼   ► orient in your home organization and i'm [TS]

00:02:22 ◼   ► just i'm behind the eight ball just even [TS]

00:02:24 ◼   ► walk in here and like a behind the eight [TS]

00:02:25 ◼   ► ball [TS]

00:02:26 ◼   ► well I hate to admit tonight that I know [TS]

00:02:28 ◼   ► this but there are stages to hoarding [TS]

00:02:31 ◼   ► and there are like they're like in the [TS]

00:02:33 ◼   ► same way you look at dsm you know this [TS]

00:02:35 ◼   ► all the are you a person who has you [TS]

00:02:37 ◼   ► know depression with them some kind of [TS]

00:02:39 ◼   ► some kind of sex thing [TS]

00:02:41 ◼   ► yeah it's a role-playing thing is the [TS]

00:02:43 ◼   ► DSM guide mhm [TS]

00:02:45 ◼   ► oh the diagnostic stimulation modulator [TS]

00:02:49 ◼   ► 4got sybian sibilance is that is a UH [TS]

00:02:55 ◼   ► that gosh where do i begin first of all [TS]

00:02:58 ◼   ► it's it's it's all I can do not turn [TS]

00:03:00 ◼   ► this into you know one of those other [TS]

00:03:01 ◼   ► shows right about bad stuff stages of [TS]

00:03:04 ◼   ► stages according to their stations [TS]

00:03:05 ◼   ► reporting and you know it's a I had I [TS]

00:03:07 ◼   ► had a reason and one point my life to [TS]

00:03:09 ◼   ► learn about these things their family [TS]

00:03:10 ◼   ► you're into my house do you feel like [TS]

00:03:12 ◼   ► I'm on the hoarding continuum John we're [TS]

00:03:15 ◼   ► all on the horn continue and that's only [TS]

00:03:17 ◼   ► two continuum you're right you're right [TS]

00:03:18 ◼   ► everybody's a little special mi mi [TS]

00:03:21 ◼   ► somewhere out along the horn continuum [TS]

00:03:24 ◼   ► as you can jaan i'm not a hoarding [TS]

00:03:27 ◼   ► clinician right but yeah there's that I [TS]

00:03:31 ◼   ► forget how many faces there are but [TS]

00:03:34 ◼   ► there's once you're it's you know it [TS]

00:03:36 ◼   ► again once you want to become aware [TS]

00:03:38 ◼   ► something it's hard to stop seeing it [TS]

00:03:39 ◼   ► everywhere and i have to tell you that [TS]

00:03:41 ◼   ► I'm pretty sure one of the middle phases [TS]

00:03:43 ◼   ► is paths [TS]

00:03:45 ◼   ► uh-huh right when you believe we have to [TS]

00:03:47 ◼   ► blaze trails through stuff I think [TS]

00:03:50 ◼   ► you're I think you're on the ec [TS]

00:03:51 ◼   ► exceedingly slightly more special part [TS]

00:03:54 ◼   ► of a continuum that's like when you when [TS]

00:03:56 ◼   ► you buy of a Volkswagen bug and then all [TS]

00:03:59 ◼   ► of a sudden you see Volkswagen bugs [TS]

00:04:00 ◼   ► everywhere i didn't know i think this i [TS]

00:04:03 ◼   ► think this is a version of an [TS]

00:04:05 ◼   ► availability heuristic that you make [TS]

00:04:07 ◼   ► decisions about what's going on in the [TS]

00:04:09 ◼   ► world based on the information that's [TS]

00:04:10 ◼   ► available to you in your own experience [TS]

00:04:12 ◼   ► right right for instance i never used to [TS]

00:04:15 ◼   ► see PT Cruisers at all [TS]

00:04:17 ◼   ► thank god you're lucky i know i had a PT [TS]

00:04:20 ◼   ► Cruiser screen on my consciousness like [TS]

00:04:22 ◼   ► a filter that came down [TS]

00:04:24 ◼   ► let a little like a little protective [TS]

00:04:25 ◼   ► advisor it was a protective visor a [TS]

00:04:27 ◼   ► mental visor that screened out PT [TS]

00:04:30 ◼   ► Cruisers but then one time Kathleen [TS]

00:04:32 ◼   ► Edwards came here to visit me and she [TS]

00:04:33 ◼   ► rented a PT Cruiser so cute and we're [TS]

00:04:37 ◼   ► driving around town in his PT cruiser [TS]

00:04:39 ◼   ► and all of a sudden i'm a member of the [TS]

00:04:40 ◼   ► PT Cruiser fraternity and people are [TS]

00:04:43 ◼   ► like PB pie other PT Cruisers everywhere [TS]

00:04:46 ◼   ► and I and I have to see them i'm in one [TS]

00:04:50 ◼   ► and it did change me forever and not in [TS]

00:04:53 ◼   ► a good way [TS]

00:04:54 ◼   ► no no I I feel the same way uh ever [TS]

00:04:57 ◼   ► since I was a little kid [TS]

00:04:58 ◼   ► this is probably a phenomenon with the [TS]

00:05:00 ◼   ► name but you you feel like you have [TS]

00:05:01 ◼   ► there's a word that you haven't heard [TS]

00:05:03 ◼   ► your whole life and then one day you [TS]

00:05:05 ◼   ► hear it and then that same day you hear [TS]

00:05:06 ◼   ► it again and so either you heard that [TS]

00:05:09 ◼   ► word before and you didn't remember it [TS]

00:05:11 ◼   ► when there's some you know you know dark [TS]

00:05:14 ◼   ► matter what and when you say it's [TS]

00:05:16 ◼   ► probably the name you mean your name [TS]

00:05:18 ◼   ► Merlin Mann never heard it that advisor [TS]

00:05:20 ◼   ► protect advisor what you know what I [TS]

00:05:23 ◼   ► hate is a legitimate so what the first [TS]

00:05:25 ◼   ► time somebody's on abracadabra to you [TS]

00:05:26 ◼   ► you're like a boy and a man but you know [TS]

00:05:31 ◼   ► you gotta hate and unintentional [TS]

00:05:33 ◼   ► left-handed compliment at a job [TS]

00:05:35 ◼   ► my wife had a few years ago her boss was [TS]

00:05:38 ◼   ► just talking about you know whatever [TS]

00:05:39 ◼   ► like you do in office cuz you know [TS]

00:05:41 ◼   ► really work in an office and and she [TS]

00:05:44 ◼   ► said and then have you ever seen those [TS]

00:05:46 ◼   ► PT Cruisers and she's like yeah sure [TS]

00:05:48 ◼   ► just that seems like the kind of car you [TS]

00:05:50 ◼   ► drive [TS]

00:05:51 ◼   ► oh and you know I think that's the way I [TS]

00:05:54 ◼   ► think that's a way of saying to somebody [TS]

00:05:55 ◼   ► that you really knows mostly through [TS]

00:05:57 ◼   ► work as a way of saying you're a fun [TS]

00:05:59 ◼   ► like kinky individual Oh interesting [TS]

00:06:03 ◼   ► it's a kicky it's a it's a quirky cards [TS]

00:06:05 ◼   ► like ya on ya can tech this is from a [TS]

00:06:08 ◼   ► lady this is from a lady has reached [TS]

00:06:10 ◼   ► that kind of menopausal age we start [TS]

00:06:11 ◼   ► wearing a lot of chunky jewelry and [TS]

00:06:12 ◼   ► saying what's on your mind you know but [TS]

00:06:14 ◼   ► she wasn't saying it unkind way [TS]

00:06:16 ◼   ► no no she meant that Madeline was a was [TS]

00:06:18 ◼   ► like a funky gal it totally and it's you [TS]

00:06:21 ◼   ► know the things that we buy for other [TS]

00:06:23 ◼   ► people as present as an example is [TS]

00:06:25 ◼   ► another example usually say much more [TS]

00:06:26 ◼   ► about us than it does about the other [TS]

00:06:28 ◼   ► person often it shows that we have bad [TS]

00:06:29 ◼   ► judgment and no taste [TS]

00:06:31 ◼   ► well i hope that Madeline enjoys the the [TS]

00:06:33 ◼   ► pearl handle derringers I border for [TS]

00:06:35 ◼   ► Christmas she treasures them [TS]

00:06:37 ◼   ► she was gonna give her anything with [TS]

00:06:39 ◼   ► pearl on it that's good [TS]

00:06:41 ◼   ► it's a but you know that's that seem [TS]

00:06:42 ◼   ► like a sweet thing to say but do you [TS]

00:06:44 ◼   ► know gosh where I even begin I want to [TS]

00:06:45 ◼   ► get back to the hoarding but yeah yeah [TS]

00:06:47 ◼   ► you know it's like when you're a little [TS]

00:06:49 ◼   ► kid and you know you know exactly the [TS]

00:06:51 ◼   ► kind of GI joe that you want like a very [TS]

00:06:54 ◼   ► specific my case files in the big gym [TS]

00:06:56 ◼   ► for a while we just him [TS]

00:06:58 ◼   ► yeah which is kind of like a bicurious [TS]

00:06:59 ◼   ► GI joe who likes to go to the beach how [TS]

00:07:01 ◼   ► about Stretch Armstrong did you have a [TS]

00:07:03 ◼   ► stretch arms from test marketed for [TS]

00:07:04 ◼   ► kenner what [TS]

00:07:06 ◼   ► how are you the kid that got to [TS]

00:07:08 ◼   ► test-market Stretch Armstrong general [TS]

00:07:10 ◼   ► did you ever have a really cool little [TS]

00:07:12 ◼   ► car called an SST we pulled the t-strap [TS]

00:07:14 ◼   ► and flies across the floor [TS]

00:07:16 ◼   ► test marketed I stories right saw them I [TS]

00:07:19 ◼   ► never had one myself another broken by [TS]

00:07:21 ◼   ► your mother up the wizard the wizard top [TS]

00:07:24 ◼   ► this tops it goes across the floor yeah [TS]

00:07:27 ◼   ► I was a test marketer for counter toys [TS]

00:07:29 ◼   ► when I was a child [TS]

00:07:30 ◼   ► how did you get this gig i was bored in [TS]

00:07:33 ◼   ► class and I i think what happens counter [TS]

00:07:36 ◼   ► and Family Services encounter was is [TS]

00:07:37 ◼   ► based in Cincinnati or at least has a [TS]

00:07:39 ◼   ► big outpost there right this is the kind [TS]

00:07:41 ◼   ► of thing you can do in a public school [TS]

00:07:42 ◼   ► in the seventies is you would take a [TS]

00:07:44 ◼   ► mean let's be honest it was the smart [TS]

00:07:45 ◼   ► kids the kids they could afford to just [TS]

00:07:47 ◼   ► miss the whole class to go play with the [TS]

00:07:48 ◼   ► toy and please don't ever make the other [TS]

00:07:50 ◼   ► kids love us they want to thank you baby [TS]

00:07:52 ◼   ► love you test market toys in school to [TS]

00:07:54 ◼   ► me Jenny balcom Billy shallower we did [TS]

00:07:57 ◼   ► they take us out the second let's go and [TS]

00:07:59 ◼   ► and all the kids who star who already [TS]

00:08:00 ◼   ► done with work they get to go play with [TS]

00:08:01 ◼   ► toys for the other kids haha I you thank [TS]

00:08:04 ◼   ► you thank you hate me too [TS]

00:08:07 ◼   ► that's terrible yeah I mean it's [TS]

00:08:09 ◼   ► wonderful but it's terribly awful i hate [TS]

00:08:11 ◼   ► me 2 i'm like a PT Cruiser oh you know [TS]

00:08:14 ◼   ► what I had to do I had to pretend I was [TS]

00:08:15 ◼   ► sick and go to the nurse's office to how [TS]

00:08:18 ◼   ► do you have a method did you put that [TS]

00:08:19 ◼   ► you put a thermometer under your arm up [TS]

00:08:21 ◼   ► against the light or anything like that [TS]

00:08:23 ◼   ► oh no I file it i mean you want to see [TS]

00:08:25 ◼   ► right through you actually have to get a [TS]

00:08:27 ◼   ► disease [TS]

00:08:28 ◼   ► clearly i was sick when I was never you [TS]

00:08:31 ◼   ► know it's funny we had cats my whole [TS]

00:08:34 ◼   ► life growing up and I'm allergic to cats [TS]

00:08:36 ◼   ► so I always orders was a little sick [TS]

00:08:41 ◼   ► oh really you're like you're like will [TS]

00:08:42 ◼   ► ring you have to constantly call upon [TS]

00:08:44 ◼   ► your healing abilities in order just to [TS]

00:08:46 ◼   ► stay alive and that causes baseline [TS]

00:08:48 ◼   ► paint you all the time [TS]

00:08:49 ◼   ► exactly there's there's [TS]

00:08:50 ◼   ► many ways in which I'm like wolverine [TS]

00:08:52 ◼   ► that is one of the ways radians fuck you [TS]

00:08:54 ◼   ► up with all that metal that's not going [TS]

00:08:56 ◼   ► to go into it [TS]

00:08:57 ◼   ► marbut so so nobody ever thought maybe [TS]

00:09:00 ◼   ► this kid is allergic to cats so I had a [TS]

00:09:03 ◼   ► constant scratchy cough and runny nose [TS]

00:09:05 ◼   ► for I'm serious now 14 years your eyes [TS]

00:09:08 ◼   ► you get the eyes itchy eyes and so I [TS]

00:09:11 ◼   ► would sit in class and if I wanted to [TS]

00:09:13 ◼   ► if class was boring i wanted to get out [TS]

00:09:15 ◼   ► i would just be like I've really thick [TS]

00:09:17 ◼   ► right down and they sent me to the [TS]

00:09:19 ◼   ► nurse's office and I I'd lay on the way [TS]

00:09:21 ◼   ► on the cot in the nurse's office and [TS]

00:09:23 ◼   ► count the dots in the ceiling tile you [TS]

00:09:27 ◼   ► can call upon your your your conquest [TS]

00:09:29 ◼   ► space fantasies for really any room [TS]

00:09:32 ◼   ► where you can be supplied [TS]

00:09:33 ◼   ► yeah i just want this one to go [TS]

00:09:35 ◼   ► somewhere lay down have him turn the [TS]

00:09:37 ◼   ► lights down a little bit and then leave [TS]

00:09:38 ◼   ► me the leave me alone and you know and [TS]

00:09:40 ◼   ► they thought i was sleeping but I was [TS]

00:09:42 ◼   ► just you know what you needed you needed [TS]

00:09:43 ◼   ► fake chronic migraines [TS]

00:09:46 ◼   ► oh interesting many people are very [TS]

00:09:48 ◼   ► think about it it's one of those things [TS]

00:09:49 ◼   ► the etiology is really tough you can [TS]

00:09:51 ◼   ► look at somebody and tell whether they [TS]

00:09:53 ◼   ► do or don't have a migraine is they're [TS]

00:09:55 ◼   ► really good at looking like they have a [TS]

00:09:56 ◼   ► migraine [TS]

00:09:57 ◼   ► well or chronic fatigue syndrome no I [TS]

00:09:59 ◼   ► don't want to get into chronic fatigue [TS]

00:10:00 ◼   ► syndrome because i believe it's a real [TS]

00:10:01 ◼   ► thing and there are people who is well [TS]

00:10:04 ◼   ► the people who suffer from it are very [TS]

00:10:06 ◼   ► very serious about it being real thing [TS]

00:10:09 ◼   ► and and they have impressed upon me that [TS]

00:10:11 ◼   ► if it is a real thing and no one [TS]

00:10:15 ◼   ► believes you [TS]

00:10:16 ◼   ► that is got to be a terrible terrible [TS]

00:10:18 ◼   ► fate right to be like completely sick [TS]

00:10:22 ◼   ► and you're essentially telling somebody [TS]

00:10:24 ◼   ► that they're either insane a liar or [TS]

00:10:26 ◼   ► both [TS]

00:10:27 ◼   ► yeah right these people go to the doctor [TS]

00:10:28 ◼   ► and they're like I feel like I can [TS]

00:10:31 ◼   ► barely function and the doctors like [TS]

00:10:33 ◼   ► you're imagining it [TS]

00:10:34 ◼   ► uh huh you know and for years this goes [TS]

00:10:36 ◼   ► on so I i won't make I won't make jokes [TS]

00:10:38 ◼   ► about chronic fatigue syndrome x6 that [TS]

00:10:41 ◼   ► helped except that it does sound like [TS]

00:10:44 ◼   ► they're faking it sound like it but you [TS]

00:10:46 ◼   ► know there's there's a funny thing in [TS]

00:10:47 ◼   ► medicine as you know not physician but [TS]

00:10:49 ◼   ► there are a range of things where they [TS]

00:10:51 ◼   ► know that there's a condition that [TS]

00:10:52 ◼   ► exists but there's no etiology for it [TS]

00:10:56 ◼   ► and there's no test for proving that [TS]

00:10:57 ◼   ► exists right and having one of those [TS]

00:10:59 ◼   ► things suck [TS]

00:11:00 ◼   ► x sucks it sucks and that chronic [TS]

00:11:02 ◼   ► fatigue syndrome is one you know what I [TS]

00:11:04 ◼   ► gotta tell you up until and you're gonna [TS]

00:11:06 ◼   ► get you know about this but up until the [TS]

00:11:08 ◼   ► last few years I was pretty sure that [TS]

00:11:11 ◼   ► kids with food allergies was mostly a [TS]

00:11:13 ◼   ► fake things my thought it was maybe a [TS]

00:11:15 ◼   ► doting mother or something you know but [TS]

00:11:18 ◼   ► it's like why did why is it suddenly [TS]

00:11:19 ◼   ► everybody has food allergies and it [TS]

00:11:21 ◼   ► didn't use to be [TS]

00:11:22 ◼   ► oh yeah tell you the truth I don't know [TS]

00:11:24 ◼   ► why that is and I kind of don't care [TS]

00:11:25 ◼   ► because now i do I have a friend whose [TS]

00:11:28 ◼   ► kid to Justin brief when they knew that [TS]

00:11:32 ◼   ► like once I'm healing touch the piece of [TS]

00:11:33 ◼   ► cheese and it looks like a tattoo on his [TS]

00:11:35 ◼   ► arm [TS]

00:11:36 ◼   ► whoa yeah just from like a little piece [TS]

00:11:37 ◼   ► of it took me to get tested [TS]

00:11:39 ◼   ► yeah and they started with i think an [TS]

00:11:41 ◼   ► eighth of a teaspoon of milk and I think [TS]

00:11:45 ◼   ► it's such a horrible story said mom I [TS]

00:11:47 ◼   ► feel crazy I feel weird or something in [TS]

00:11:50 ◼   ► his eyes rolled back in his head he went [TS]

00:11:52 ◼   ► into anaphylactic shock and they had to [TS]

00:11:54 ◼   ► give him like two or three EpiPen shots [TS]

00:11:56 ◼   ► and taken to the emergency room he [TS]

00:11:57 ◼   ► almost died at the hospital [TS]

00:11:59 ◼   ► holy cats yeah yeah so like he's so when [TS]

00:12:02 ◼   ► you hear stuff when i first heard like [TS]

00:12:03 ◼   ► there's a little lactose intolerance [TS]

00:12:05 ◼   ► what you're saying that he's a little [TS]

00:12:06 ◼   ► lactose intolerant but here's the thing [TS]

00:12:09 ◼   ► imagine now the this this wonderful that [TS]

00:12:12 ◼   ► the parents he has a good friend of mine [TS]

00:12:14 ◼   ► and she's a pistol begin with and [TS]

00:12:16 ◼   ► crystal sheer all she's assisting your [TS]

00:12:19 ◼   ► son and more like when you follow her on [TS]

00:12:21 ◼   ► Twitter she's very this isn't this is a [TS]

00:12:23 ◼   ► non-public story meeting grouper their [TS]

00:12:25 ◼   ► kid has an extreme allergy and she [TS]

00:12:28 ◼   ► carries EpiPens everywhere and she's [TS]

00:12:30 ◼   ► ready but you know the thing is i have [TS]

00:12:32 ◼   ► to say like a few years ago i got when i [TS]

00:12:34 ◼   ► was a kid I remember Julie schlessinger [TS]

00:12:37 ◼   ► didn't like oranges so she had to wait [TS]

00:12:41 ◼   ► in line for a banana [TS]

00:12:42 ◼   ► oh and she would cry and now now that [TS]

00:12:45 ◼   ► might have been a food allergy but no [TS]

00:12:46 ◼   ► kid I knew that stuff that they just [TS]

00:12:48 ◼   ► couldn't eat because they would get sick [TS]

00:12:49 ◼   ► that I knew of [TS]

00:12:51 ◼   ► yeah yeah but I am a hundred percent [TS]

00:12:52 ◼   ► positive that israel now but this is the [TS]

00:12:55 ◼   ► problem with are both being from our [TS]

00:12:57 ◼   ► generation and before [TS]

00:12:58 ◼   ► mmm this is that this is one of those i [TS]

00:13:01 ◼   ► remember the first time I heard the [TS]

00:13:04 ◼   ► first well and the first time I heard a [TS]

00:13:05 ◼   ► DD i was in a psychologist's office [TS]

00:13:09 ◼   ► psychiatrist's office actually and he [TS]

00:13:12 ◼   ► said [TS]

00:13:13 ◼   ► I want you to sit in front of this [TS]

00:13:15 ◼   ► computer and and play this game and i [TS]

00:13:18 ◼   ► sat in front of a computer and i played [TS]

00:13:20 ◼   ► this game where things flashed at me and [TS]

00:13:22 ◼   ► I was supposed to choose this thing or [TS]

00:13:25 ◼   ► that thing and then something shot [TS]

00:13:27 ◼   ► across the screen and I was supposed to [TS]

00:13:29 ◼   ► choose between two options and I get to [TS]

00:13:32 ◼   ► the end of this not very fun game and he [TS]

00:13:35 ◼   ► goes well here's the problem you have [TS]

00:13:39 ◼   ► attention deficit disorder who and I [TS]

00:13:42 ◼   ► said what's that he said oh it's this [TS]

00:13:45 ◼   ► new diagnosis where people who are [TS]

00:13:51 ◼   ► people who are struggling to integrate [TS]

00:13:56 ◼   ► themselves into the world's it turns out [TS]

00:13:58 ◼   ► that you are not lazy or dumb [TS]

00:14:01 ◼   ► it's just that you can't stay focused on [TS]

00:14:04 ◼   ► things and there's a medicine for that [TS]

00:14:06 ◼   ► and I said I was old enough at this [TS]

00:14:11 ◼   ► point I like 17 that i was at and I had [TS]

00:14:16 ◼   ► been going to psychologist for a long [TS]

00:14:18 ◼   ► time that I was suspicious of them and I [TS]

00:14:20 ◼   ► was suspicious of this diagnosis as I [TS]

00:14:22 ◼   ► think a lot of people were at first a TD [TS]

00:14:25 ◼   ► what the hell is that [TS]

00:14:26 ◼   ► attention deficit disorder what is that [TS]

00:14:28 ◼   ► mhm and then attempted attention deficit [TS]

00:14:31 ◼   ► hyperactivity disorder and these these [TS]

00:14:32 ◼   ► were things when we were in when we were [TS]

00:14:35 ◼   ► kids [TS]

00:14:36 ◼   ► if you had that what they did it took [TS]

00:14:37 ◼   ► you out of class and let you test market [TS]

00:14:39 ◼   ► some toys in usually with school you [TS]

00:14:42 ◼   ► know what I mean like that was that was [TS]

00:14:43 ◼   ► their shares your prescription complete [TS]

00:14:45 ◼   ► stretch armstrong yeah or like he's a [TS]

00:14:47 ◼   ► spirited little kid or whatever it was [TS]

00:14:50 ◼   ► you know but all of a sudden that the [TS]

00:14:51 ◼   ► EPA to become a pathology and now of [TS]

00:14:55 ◼   ► course we live in a world where I mean I [TS]

00:14:58 ◼   ► don't spend a lot of time in great [TS]

00:14:59 ◼   ► schools yet but i imagine when you're in [TS]

00:15:01 ◼   ► great schools now the number of kids [TS]

00:15:04 ◼   ► that have attention deficit [TS]

00:15:05 ◼   ► hyperactivity disorder or something on [TS]

00:15:07 ◼   ► that spectrum it's probably forty [TS]

00:15:09 ◼   ► percent of the kids in the school and [TS]

00:15:12 ◼   ► when you combine food allergies as [TS]

00:15:15 ◼   ► burgers all the other ways in which [TS]

00:15:18 ◼   ► we're now get dyslexia [TS]

00:15:22 ◼   ► yeah well I mean is there really is a [TS]

00:15:24 ◼   ► lesser-known it's a long time [TS]

00:15:26 ◼   ► thing and it's like yeah here's the kid [TS]

00:15:28 ◼   ► writes his letters backwards but but [TS]

00:15:30 ◼   ► there are a lot of parents that are [TS]

00:15:33 ◼   ► self-diagnosing their kids as Bergen and [TS]

00:15:36 ◼   ► a lot of parents that are still like in [TS]

00:15:38 ◼   ► denial about it but their next-door [TS]

00:15:39 ◼   ► neighbors are diagnosing their kids as [TS]

00:15:41 ◼   ► birkin that's the aerial i mean i i've [TS]

00:15:44 ◼   ► got a couple kids in my life with with [TS]

00:15:46 ◼   ► legitimate like you can tell [TS]

00:15:48 ◼   ► plus the doctor said ass burgers and [TS]

00:15:49 ◼   ► everybody but their parents I was ready [TS]

00:15:53 ◼   ► to cop to that the parents were the last [TS]

00:15:55 ◼   ► but yeah I mean if your kids got a thing [TS]

00:15:57 ◼   ► you don't you don't want to be labeled [TS]

00:15:59 ◼   ► you know it well [TS]

00:16:00 ◼   ► right except that except that I mean in [TS]

00:16:02 ◼   ► park slope right now if your kid doesn't [TS]

00:16:03 ◼   ► have a thing who your gotta get a [TS]

00:16:06 ◼   ► special special school [TS]

00:16:07 ◼   ► he's the outlier and I mean you remember [TS]

00:16:09 ◼   ► when we were and this is true all the [TS]

00:16:11 ◼   ► way through high school for us there [TS]

00:16:13 ◼   ► were kids that were separated out and [TS]

00:16:15 ◼   ► put in special classes but there was one [TS]

00:16:18 ◼   ► special class there was one special [TS]

00:16:20 ◼   ► class and everybody you know everybody [TS]

00:16:22 ◼   ► went there including probably now that i [TS]

00:16:25 ◼   ► think about it kids who were mentally [TS]

00:16:28 ◼   ► functioning at a high level but they [TS]

00:16:29 ◼   ► just had a palsy or something [TS]

00:16:31 ◼   ► how is it was ridiculous in the same [TS]

00:16:33 ◼   ► thing happen my dad with dyslexia and [TS]

00:16:34 ◼   ► Men and poor vision and it's what [TS]

00:16:37 ◼   ► happened a lot of people and you get [TS]

00:16:39 ◼   ► this one place that basically becomes [TS]

00:16:40 ◼   ► like a what a pedagogical holding cell [TS]

00:16:43 ◼   ► and so so people with profound [TS]

00:16:45 ◼   ► personality problems legitimate [TS]

00:16:47 ◼   ► depression serious health problems or [TS]

00:16:49 ◼   ► maybe they just read too fast [TS]

00:16:52 ◼   ► yeah right read too fast right well but [TS]

00:16:55 ◼   ► but i guess the getting getting back to [TS]

00:16:57 ◼   ► your point at which is that it's very [TS]

00:16:59 ◼   ► like we were raised certainly I was [TS]

00:17:02 ◼   ► raised in an environment where mind my [TS]

00:17:05 ◼   ► initial response to this like [TS]

00:17:08 ◼   ► proliferation of human problems was [TS]

00:17:12 ◼   ► suspicion that that people were making [TS]

00:17:15 ◼   ► up these diagnoses that that that [TS]

00:17:18 ◼   ► chronic fatigue syndrome and attention [TS]

00:17:21 ◼   ► deficit hyperactivity disorder were on [TS]

00:17:24 ◼   ► the same spectrum which was the spectrum [TS]

00:17:26 ◼   ► of people making shit up about [TS]

00:17:27 ◼   ► themselves to excuse their shoddy [TS]

00:17:29 ◼   ► performance and as you know as time goes [TS]

00:17:32 ◼   ► on you accept [TS]

00:17:34 ◼   ► you accept that these things are real [TS]

00:17:36 ◼   ► you think back to our childhood when [TS]

00:17:39 ◼   ► none of these things existed in [TS]

00:17:40 ◼   ► everybody had to just cope if the if [TS]

00:17:44 ◼   ► these problems existed 40 years ago your [TS]

00:17:46 ◼   ► your solution was cope or go to the [TS]

00:17:49 ◼   ► special class where you have to wear a [TS]

00:17:51 ◼   ► helmet [TS]

00:17:52 ◼   ► absolutely and I mean in terms of like [TS]

00:17:54 ◼   ► today the so many kids go to private [TS]

00:17:55 ◼   ► school [TS]

00:17:56 ◼   ► I mean and again you can't really can't [TS]

00:17:57 ◼   ► compare there's so many different [TS]

00:17:58 ◼   ► variables that have changed in the last [TS]

00:18:01 ◼   ► 40 years but you know the only kids I [TS]

00:18:03 ◼   ► knew who went to private school went to [TS]

00:18:05 ◼   ► private school because it was a Catholic [TS]

00:18:06 ◼   ► school and just went that was I didn't [TS]

00:18:08 ◼   ► know anybody who went to the like the [TS]

00:18:10 ◼   ► huntington academy or something like [TS]

00:18:11 ◼   ► that [TS]

00:18:12 ◼   ► now they want to probably isn't just got [TS]

00:18:14 ◼   ► finger in the pooper uh-huh sure and [TS]

00:18:16 ◼   ► free bread and butter but you know so [TS]

00:18:19 ◼   ► you camp so I i become more sensitive [TS]

00:18:22 ◼   ► you can only hear caches million threads [TS]

00:18:23 ◼   ► here it's supposed to supposed to eat [TS]

00:18:25 ◼   ► again where we made it through the age [TS]

00:18:27 ◼   ► of reason you know we don't believe that [TS]

00:18:29 ◼   ► there's a you know a troll in your head [TS]

00:18:31 ◼   ► tiny troll causing your headache and [TS]

00:18:32 ◼   ► stuff like that and so when should you [TS]

00:18:34 ◼   ► use haha just an animist you just say to [TS]

00:18:40 ◼   ► my dad he would say stuff you don't be [TS]

00:18:42 ◼   ► like marinara [TS]

00:18:43 ◼   ► oh it's great that you're a musician [TS]

00:18:45 ◼   ► that some it's it's your jeans for genes [TS]

00:18:50 ◼   ► are responsible for you being a good [TS]

00:18:52 ◼   ► musician i would say screw off thats [TS]

00:18:56 ◼   ► that well stroll in your head there's a [TS]

00:18:58 ◼   ► Welsh troll that lives in your brain all [TS]

00:19:00 ◼   ► that trouble is so fucking well she's [TS]

00:19:02 ◼   ► not even fun comes up with shitty things [TS]

00:19:03 ◼   ► to say he started rubbing alcohol and [TS]

00:19:06 ◼   ► your 3-way family takes the credit away [TS]

00:19:08 ◼   ► from me that well stroll in your brain [TS]

00:19:10 ◼   ► and he was like I don't have a well [TS]

00:19:11 ◼   ► stroll and we would get would argue [TS]

00:19:14 ◼   ► about the wealth troll that lives inside [TS]

00:19:15 ◼   ► of you know exactly who would say [TS]

00:19:16 ◼   ► there's no well stroll is a guy who has [TS]

00:19:18 ◼   ► a well stroll [TS]

00:19:19 ◼   ► yeah yeah yeahs well stroll is what [TS]

00:19:21 ◼   ► saying there's no well I'm not in denial [TS]

00:19:24 ◼   ► I'm not a well stroll girl stroll [TS]

00:19:27 ◼   ► I'm senses that like a couple things [TS]

00:19:29 ◼   ► here 10 yeah irritable bowel syndrome [TS]

00:19:31 ◼   ► that's another thing you know I've got [TS]

00:19:33 ◼   ► I've got the intestinal issues but i do [TS]

00:19:35 ◼   ► not have IBS and some ways I'm grateful [TS]

00:19:37 ◼   ► to go nitro disease i get the other one [TS]

00:19:40 ◼   ► oh yeah but it's like we talked about [TS]

00:19:42 ◼   ► that you want but I vs is that it [TS]

00:19:44 ◼   ► by you stay there when i'm having a [TS]

00:19:47 ◼   ► tough time [TS]

00:19:48 ◼   ► yeah I know dear but you but unlike a [TS]

00:19:49 ◼   ► lot of people you keep chopsticks on the [TS]

00:19:51 ◼   ► back of the toilet to go through your oh [TS]

00:19:54 ◼   ► yeah terms of that just kind of sifting [TS]

00:19:56 ◼   ► through doing a little bit of panning ya [TS]

00:19:58 ◼   ► little panting panting for corn I keep [TS]

00:20:01 ◼   ► that I keep some poultry shears I'm a [TS]

00:20:04 ◼   ► very fine mesh and of course index cards [TS]

00:20:07 ◼   ► haha yeah well I've got an old toilet [TS]

00:20:12 ◼   ► um yes anyway IBS is a bummer because [TS]

00:20:14 ◼   ► you get this weird comment isn't like [TS]

00:20:16 ◼   ► you know I BS you get sometimes you get [TS]

00:20:18 ◼   ► diarrhea and sometimes but a lot of the [TS]

00:20:20 ◼   ► times you're constipated the most of [TS]

00:20:21 ◼   ► your kind of impact that Beth Orton that [TS]

00:20:23 ◼   ► singer that Beth Orton lady had it and [TS]

00:20:24 ◼   ► then it really screwed her up [TS]

00:20:26 ◼   ► that's one of those that were you go in [TS]

00:20:27 ◼   ► like with a migraine I don't think [TS]

00:20:29 ◼   ► unless you do one of those made-up [TS]

00:20:30 ◼   ► phony-baloney fmri kind of things I [TS]

00:20:33 ◼   ► don't think you can go and say oh yeah [TS]

00:20:34 ◼   ► you have migraines I think it's all [TS]

00:20:35 ◼   ► based on symptoms aren't that many you [TS]

00:20:38 ◼   ► get signs and symptoms symptoms are what [TS]

00:20:40 ◼   ► friends are for pussies [TS]

00:20:41 ◼   ► he's got a bad and I think he's good and [TS]

00:20:44 ◼   ► like drugged up on stuff that he doesn't [TS]

00:20:46 ◼   ► like taking to keep them even manageable [TS]

00:20:48 ◼   ► and even then they're not super [TS]

00:20:48 ◼   ► manageable my mom get some however often [TS]

00:20:53 ◼   ► well that's the thing that has like [TS]

00:20:54 ◼   ► forever but there are crippling she has [TS]

00:20:57 ◼   ► that pain threshold thing [TS]

00:20:58 ◼   ► oh your mom and the pain where when she [TS]

00:21:01 ◼   ► says like there's a headache coming and [TS]

00:21:06 ◼   ► I need to close the blinds and go [TS]

00:21:08 ◼   ► upstairs [TS]

00:21:09 ◼   ► it was so over Gibson it's so it's so [TS]

00:21:13 ◼   ► disconcerting because she is so [TS]

00:21:16 ◼   ► unaffected by pain in most situations [TS]

00:21:18 ◼   ► but it's like oh no what is this madness [TS]

00:21:23 ◼   ► like I was wondering about that when you [TS]

00:21:25 ◼   ► said that she got them because you said [TS]

00:21:27 ◼   ► you how God gives you the beard that you [TS]

00:21:29 ◼   ► deserve [TS]

00:21:29 ◼   ► I wonder you know the pain is one of [TS]

00:21:31 ◼   ► those things that's so hard to quantify [TS]

00:21:32 ◼   ► because it is you know you're the only [TS]

00:21:35 ◼   ► one who's feeling the pain and certainly [TS]

00:21:38 ◼   ► based on history they can say that if [TS]

00:21:39 ◼   ► you've got a gunshot wound to the [TS]

00:21:42 ◼   ► abdomen there's a pretty good chance [TS]

00:21:43 ◼   ► you're going to call that a seven eight [TS]

00:21:45 ◼   ► nine or maybe ten you have that so [TS]

00:21:47 ◼   ► that's one of the that's traditionally [TS]

00:21:48 ◼   ► one of the pain that sort of stainless [TS]

00:21:50 ◼   ► that's pancreatic cancer shot will [TS]

00:21:52 ◼   ► consider to the gunshot to the to the [TS]

00:21:54 ◼   ► belly [TS]

00:21:55 ◼   ► yeah right that's pretty bad news that [TS]

00:21:57 ◼   ► but with your mom see that's the thing [TS]

00:21:59 ◼   ► when you say that God gives people in [TS]

00:22:00 ◼   ► the beer that they deserve [TS]

00:22:01 ◼   ► I wonder if like you get the migraine [TS]

00:22:03 ◼   ► that I mean I bet your migraine sucks [TS]

00:22:07 ◼   ► for everybody but there's not that many [TS]

00:22:09 ◼   ► people that get a migraine that just go [TS]

00:22:10 ◼   ► i can just deal with this [TS]

00:22:12 ◼   ► yeah you know me brush it off yeah yeah [TS]

00:22:13 ◼   ► and yet she sees the she starts seeing [TS]

00:22:16 ◼   ► halos of light and yet last year classic [TS]

00:22:18 ◼   ► yeah she's like I'm out of here and it's [TS]

00:22:20 ◼   ► you know it doesn't even hurt yet she's [TS]

00:22:22 ◼   ► just like delirious and I throw up and I [TS]

00:22:25 ◼   ► want to die i have never had a migraine [TS]

00:22:27 ◼   ► and I'm pretty fortunate and you know [TS]

00:22:30 ◼   ► for a lot of people are the triggers [TS]

00:22:31 ◼   ► right you can have like you know like [TS]

00:22:33 ◼   ► red wine or chocolate or there's I guess [TS]

00:22:36 ◼   ► all kinds of things and if you're very [TS]

00:22:37 ◼   ► sensitive don't listen to this because [TS]

00:22:38 ◼   ► even listening this could probably give [TS]

00:22:40 ◼   ► him a migraine but all those things they [TS]

00:22:41 ◼   ► also because you feel like your monkey [TS]

00:22:42 ◼   ► balls right like all the sudden you got [TS]

00:22:44 ◼   ► this thing nobody can see but you don't [TS]

00:22:46 ◼   ► let me say one more thing about the ad [TS]

00:22:47 ◼   ► because you know if you got two little [TS]

00:22:49 ◼   ► kids let's see how to play date another [TS]

00:22:51 ◼   ► kid comes over and you know the classic [TS]

00:22:52 ◼   ► you must face in your own home actually [TS]

00:22:54 ◼   ► love to hear how your mom handle this [TS]

00:22:56 ◼   ► there's one large piece of cake left and [TS]

00:22:59 ◼   ► there's two kids so what do you do [TS]

00:23:02 ◼   ► my mom throws the kick in the yard [TS]

00:23:03 ◼   ► that's a light cake that's not your cake [TS]

00:23:07 ◼   ► but mom says no gig for anybody just [TS]

00:23:10 ◼   ► keeps it on the counter and some [TS]

00:23:12 ◼   ► Tupperware and it's just there and then [TS]

00:23:14 ◼   ► you finally you ask out the window is [TS]

00:23:17 ◼   ► that my mom used to buy grape juice for [TS]

00:23:20 ◼   ► my sister it was a special treat that [TS]

00:23:22 ◼   ► she would give my sister a glass of [TS]

00:23:24 ◼   ► grape juice [TS]

00:23:25 ◼   ► Susan expensive she was insane about [TS]

00:23:27 ◼   ► grape juice and it was very expensive in [TS]

00:23:29 ◼   ► the seventies you know when we were our [TS]

00:23:31 ◼   ► weekly food budget well love the juices [TS]

00:23:33 ◼   ► they were it was one of the more costly [TS]

00:23:34 ◼   ► yeah and we had like four dollars and [TS]

00:23:36 ◼   ► thirty-five cents to feed the three of [TS]

00:23:37 ◼   ► us for a week she would buy grape juice [TS]

00:23:41 ◼   ► and she would have portion it out in [TS]

00:23:42 ◼   ► glasses to Susan I didn't really care [TS]

00:23:44 ◼   ► about grape juice but the scriptures was [TS]

00:23:47 ◼   ► for Susan and she gave it to Susan so [TS]

00:23:49 ◼   ► sparingly that the that the bottle of [TS]

00:23:52 ◼   ► grape juice like routinely turn to wine [TS]

00:23:55 ◼   ► attractive turns cooking vinegar in the [TS]

00:23:59 ◼   ► fridge before Susan was able to all its [TS]

00:24:02 ◼   ► Nevel [TS]

00:24:03 ◼   ► no yeah and then sat in there every time [TS]

00:24:04 ◼   ► you open the fridge like there's the [TS]

00:24:05 ◼   ► grape juice but a more conventional [TS]

00:24:07 ◼   ► homes when you when you have [TS]

00:24:08 ◼   ► a large slice of cake and two kids at [TS]

00:24:11 ◼   ► the classic way to do this prisoner's [TS]

00:24:12 ◼   ► dilemma kind of thing right or 10 game [TS]

00:24:14 ◼   ► theory I guess one of you one of you [TS]

00:24:17 ◼   ► cuts and the other chooses and the other [TS]

00:24:19 ◼   ► chooses and that ensures that one person [TS]

00:24:22 ◼   ► is going to make the most even cut [TS]

00:24:23 ◼   ► possible right and i think that is an [TS]

00:24:26 ◼   ► interesting principle in in many things [TS]

00:24:28 ◼   ► that place that another example place [TS]

00:24:29 ◼   ► that I used to work we had we did [TS]

00:24:32 ◼   ► environmental consulting but one thing [TS]

00:24:34 ◼   ► that gave us credibility was that we did [TS]

00:24:36 ◼   ► environmental assessment but not [TS]

00:24:38 ◼   ► environmental remediation really why [TS]

00:24:40 ◼   ► would you go out and hire the same [TS]

00:24:42 ◼   ► person to tell you what your problem is [TS]

00:24:44 ◼   ► and then how much it would cost for them [TS]

00:24:45 ◼   ► to fix it [TS]

00:24:46 ◼   ► oh you just described the entire Chinese [TS]

00:24:48 ◼   ► economy and your father in the mechanic [TS]

00:24:51 ◼   ► well yeah I mean that's that is [TS]

00:24:54 ◼   ► analogous to certain elegance to it [TS]

00:24:56 ◼   ► half of the graft in America but this is [TS]

00:24:58 ◼   ► again this is a problem with public [TS]

00:24:59 ◼   ► schools now and I've had several a [TS]

00:25:01 ◼   ► handful of friends with kids in schools [TS]

00:25:02 ◼   ► and it's it's just very getting a class [TS]

00:25:05 ◼   ► with 50 kids wear your kid cannot take [TS]

00:25:08 ◼   ► up more than two percent of the time [TS]

00:25:11 ◼   ► that would be if you're if you've got a [TS]

00:25:13 ◼   ► kid who for whatever reason takes up [TS]

00:25:16 ◼   ► four percent or eight percent of the [TS]

00:25:18 ◼   ► time you pull them aside you bring the [TS]

00:25:20 ◼   ► parent in and you say this is your [TS]

00:25:21 ◼   ► problem [TS]

00:25:22 ◼   ► this is not our problem our problem is [TS]

00:25:24 ◼   ► we have no money and a class full of 50 [TS]

00:25:26 ◼   ► kids right so you need to figure out how [TS]

00:25:29 ◼   ► this kid goes back to two percent or [TS]

00:25:31 ◼   ► less i wish they had used that metric [TS]

00:25:33 ◼   ► when I was a kid because I wanted to be [TS]

00:25:35 ◼   ► taking a 0% of the teachers time just [TS]

00:25:38 ◼   ► being left alone to sit at my desk and [TS]

00:25:40 ◼   ► draw army men room or look at lookin at [TS]

00:25:43 ◼   ► lookin encyclopedia look at the [TS]

00:25:45 ◼   ► encyclopedia or stare at a spot on the [TS]

00:25:46 ◼   ► wall kind of inciting gauge me I you [TS]

00:25:49 ◼   ► keep calling on me I like just be if I [TS]

00:25:53 ◼   ► could just go to that shelf with the [TS]

00:25:55 ◼   ► with the world books and just sit there [TS]

00:25:56 ◼   ► I would've done it all day long yeah I [TS]

00:25:59 ◼   ► will listen I'll listen in on your class [TS]

00:26:01 ◼   ► on your silly ass class who I'll be over [TS]

00:26:04 ◼   ► here with these books and if I if [TS]

00:26:05 ◼   ► there's a get there if you are [TS]

00:26:07 ◼   ► addressing something I don't already [TS]

00:26:08 ◼   ► know I look it up in these books how's [TS]

00:26:10 ◼   ► that sound [TS]

00:26:11 ◼   ► here's the thing if for example I can't [TS]

00:26:14 ◼   ► find H through I because someone has not [TS]

00:26:16 ◼   ► put it back in the proper place [TS]

00:26:18 ◼   ► i will raise my hand and ask where the [TS]

00:26:20 ◼   ► location of h3o is and apart from that [TS]

00:26:22 ◼   ► we don't really need to talk here [TS]

00:26:24 ◼   ► yeah exactly but you know this has [TS]

00:26:26 ◼   ► become a cliché but i think it's true [TS]

00:26:28 ◼   ► at least in one instance i know of it's [TS]

00:26:30 ◼   ► very true what they said look to get [TS]

00:26:31 ◼   ► your kid back to the end percent that he [TS]

00:26:34 ◼   ► or she needs to be you need to take care [TS]

00:26:36 ◼   ► of this so essentially they're saying so [TS]

00:26:37 ◼   ► that's why they're dopin kids at home [TS]

00:26:39 ◼   ► well i mean i think that is look at this [TS]

00:26:42 ◼   ► way a lot of lot of households if you've [TS]

00:26:44 ◼   ► got two parents in the household which [TS]

00:26:46 ◼   ► is increasingly not so common you know [TS]

00:26:47 ◼   ► like everybody's working everybody's [TS]

00:26:49 ◼   ► busy everybody there's not that much you [TS]

00:26:51 ◼   ► can do not that flexibility much [TS]

00:26:53 ◼   ► flexibility for anybody and so I mean I [TS]

00:26:56 ◼   ► think that the response of the idea i [TS]

00:26:57 ◼   ► cannot prove this yet because luckily [TS]

00:27:00 ◼   ► it's not a public school yet but you [TS]

00:27:02 ◼   ► know that apparently happens when you [TS]

00:27:05 ◼   ► especially when you get to 5th 6th 7th [TS]

00:27:07 ◼   ► 8th grade they're going to say look [TS]

00:27:08 ◼   ► here's your options focalin or adderall [TS]

00:27:10 ◼   ► are there any questions well you know [TS]

00:27:12 ◼   ► and that's why we need to you need to [TS]

00:27:15 ◼   ► institute that third option which is [TS]

00:27:16 ◼   ► building trail over like you give you [TS]

00:27:20 ◼   ► give your kids some of this this like [TS]

00:27:23 ◼   ► personality doling medic medication or [TS]

00:27:25 ◼   ► get them out in the bright sunshine [TS]

00:27:27 ◼   ► where Medicare where Mount see every day [TS]

00:27:31 ◼   ► I see it every day with our kid that [TS]

00:27:32 ◼   ► that the wearing out is good [TS]

00:27:34 ◼   ► yeah uh I mean that the things that [TS]

00:27:37 ◼   ► thing about this undiagnosable on [TS]

00:27:39 ◼   ► seeable malady who epidemic that's [TS]

00:27:43 ◼   ► happening i think in America like for me [TS]

00:27:46 ◼   ► it comes home to roost because I suffer [TS]

00:27:49 ◼   ► from depression who I'm I'm outing [TS]

00:27:52 ◼   ► myself if it wasn't already abundantly [TS]

00:27:55 ◼   ► clear and it is very hard for me to [TS]

00:27:59 ◼   ► accept that for myself like it is very [TS]

00:28:03 ◼   ► hard for me to acknowledge it as not [TS]

00:28:06 ◼   ► being a personality flaw you know and [TS]

00:28:09 ◼   ► also a weakness [TS]

00:28:10 ◼   ► yeah so I look at you know I look at the [TS]

00:28:12 ◼   ► course of of a typical day or a look at [TS]

00:28:14 ◼   ► the arc of nine months of my life and I [TS]

00:28:16 ◼   ► go [TS]

00:28:17 ◼   ► the only thing that can account for the [TS]

00:28:20 ◼   ► way that for the choices I've been [TS]

00:28:22 ◼   ► making is that I'm suffering from [TS]

00:28:24 ◼   ► depression i'm clearly suffering and [TS]

00:28:25 ◼   ► everywhere I go every time I talk to a [TS]

00:28:27 ◼   ► doctor and I say hear my problems doctor [TS]

00:28:29 ◼   ► and I run down my problems they're like [TS]

00:28:31 ◼   ► well you have severe depression I go [TS]

00:28:32 ◼   ► yeah I know but come on help me out here [TS]

00:28:35 ◼   ► with something [TS]

00:28:38 ◼   ► yeah you gotta get something is there [TS]

00:28:39 ◼   ► something physically difficult that I [TS]

00:28:41 ◼   ► can do or something that I could resist [TS]

00:28:43 ◼   ► doing for a few months that might [TS]

00:28:45 ◼   ► improve its but yeah I pretty good at [TS]

00:28:47 ◼   ► that [TS]

00:28:47 ◼   ► this is the matter i mean anybody could [TS]

00:28:49 ◼   ► tell that give me something to work with [TS]

00:28:51 ◼   ► here and you know and I was like for a [TS]

00:28:55 ◼   ► while there I was thinking [TS]

00:28:57 ◼   ► listen I'm a drug addict but uh but I [TS]

00:29:00 ◼   ► mean adderalls not a drug it's a it's [TS]

00:29:03 ◼   ► like an attention focused sir and people [TS]

00:29:05 ◼   ► were writing me i said this on the [TS]

00:29:07 ◼   ► internet a couple of times people riding [TS]

00:29:08 ◼   ► me like dat all the drug is totally [TS]

00:29:10 ◼   ► drugged [TS]

00:29:11 ◼   ► don't kid yourself i miss it i miss it [TS]

00:29:13 ◼   ► if I don't take it [TS]

00:29:14 ◼   ► yeah but I can feel the difference oh [TS]

00:29:16 ◼   ► how I don't know how have you in how [TS]

00:29:19 ◼   ► long you've been arrow like okay talk [TS]

00:29:22 ◼   ► about time I don't even ok talking about [TS]

00:29:25 ◼   ► that about being depressed him [TS]

00:29:27 ◼   ► I mean you mentioned on twitter like [TS]

00:29:28 ◼   ► last year well the thing about [TS]

00:29:30 ◼   ► depression is that i think when i was a [TS]

00:29:33 ◼   ► kid when I was a lot like early teens [TS]

00:29:40 ◼   ► being diagnosed with depression i didn't [TS]

00:29:45 ◼   ► feel like it had any stigma at all [TS]

00:29:47 ◼   ► I felt like there it was it was a fairly [TS]

00:29:49 ◼   ► glamorous diagnosis because depression [TS]

00:29:52 ◼   ► was a it seemed exotic it seemed like a [TS]

00:29:56 ◼   ► German disease it seems like something [TS]

00:30:00 ◼   ► that if you had depression you would [TS]

00:30:02 ◼   ► ultimately you would ultimately be [TS]

00:30:04 ◼   ► wearing a black suit lounging on a [TS]

00:30:07 ◼   ► Shay's and someone would be painting you [TS]

00:30:10 ◼   ► and oils it's certainly an interesting [TS]

00:30:12 ◼   ► thing to have you know like and [TS]

00:30:15 ◼   ► particularly as a ten-year-old to be to [TS]

00:30:18 ◼   ► have somebody say like well it seems [TS]

00:30:20 ◼   ► like you have depression I was like [TS]

00:30:23 ◼   ► that's a very adult sounding thing to [TS]

00:30:26 ◼   ► have and it feels very like it feels a [TS]

00:30:29 ◼   ► but it feels very Continental but I'll [TS]

00:30:32 ◼   ► accept that so I never felt that [TS]

00:30:35 ◼   ► depression was a was a thing [TS]

00:30:38 ◼   ► it was only later when people started [TS]

00:30:40 ◼   ► coming coming out as the [TS]

00:30:43 ◼   ► pressed and being a and talking about [TS]

00:30:46 ◼   ► the stigma that they felt it was only [TS]

00:30:49 ◼   ► later that I it even occurred to me that [TS]

00:30:51 ◼   ► there was stigma around it because [TS]

00:30:52 ◼   ► depression seemed i guess to me like the [TS]

00:30:55 ◼   ► only reasonable response to an insane [TS]

00:30:58 ◼   ► world why would you feel a stigma right [TS]

00:31:00 ◼   ► but but uh and so so my whatever [TS]

00:31:05 ◼   ► reticence I had to talk about it was [TS]

00:31:07 ◼   ► entirely a reticence based on I did I [TS]

00:31:10 ◼   ► just don't like to reveal things about [TS]

00:31:12 ◼   ► myself to strangers right you know like [TS]

00:31:15 ◼   ► a I said I don't mention my daughter's [TS]

00:31:17 ◼   ► name or whatever the same thing like I [TS]

00:31:20 ◼   ► don't talk about my problems because [TS]

00:31:21 ◼   ► because ultimately if you say something [TS]

00:31:23 ◼   ► on the internet you get a bunch of [TS]

00:31:24 ◼   ► Concerned a well-liked dm's from your [TS]

00:31:29 ◼   ► friends going is everything ok are you [TS]

00:31:31 ◼   ► ok [TS]

00:31:32 ◼   ► it's like yeah I mentioned depressed i [TS]

00:31:34 ◼   ► mentioned the depression that I have [TS]

00:31:35 ◼   ► that I've had for 17 years [TS]

00:31:38 ◼   ► it's not like it's not like I'm peaking [TS]

00:31:39 ◼   ► I'm not standing on a bridge who um but [TS]

00:31:43 ◼   ► but as time goes on i guess i guess what [TS]

00:31:46 ◼   ► i'm talking about more is that I can I I [TS]

00:31:49 ◼   ► always thought as you got older that [TS]

00:31:51 ◼   ► that depression was a thing that you had [TS]

00:31:54 ◼   ► when you were in your teens or early [TS]

00:31:55 ◼   ► twenties and when you were very wit your [TS]

00:31:58 ◼   ► peak dramatic years when you're feeling [TS]

00:32:00 ◼   ► very dramatic and it continued into my [TS]

00:32:02 ◼   ► thirties because every aspect of my [TS]

00:32:05 ◼   ► youth continued into my thirties I was [TS]

00:32:07 ◼   ► still a teenager at 37 years old but now [TS]

00:32:11 ◼   ► that I'm in my forties and it is not [TS]

00:32:13 ◼   ► waning if anything it is waxing it [TS]

00:32:18 ◼   ► started to be a thing like okay you know [TS]

00:32:19 ◼   ► what I'm going to just start talking [TS]

00:32:21 ◼   ► about this more because um because it's [TS]

00:32:25 ◼   ► act it's actually a feature on my [TS]

00:32:27 ◼   ► landscape it's a thing that every [TS]

00:32:29 ◼   ► morning I wake up and and even if there [TS]

00:32:32 ◼   ► are no owls in my room there is always [TS]

00:32:34 ◼   ► this like this bugbear and I go uh you [TS]

00:32:40 ◼   ► again and you know a lot of the stuff [TS]

00:32:43 ◼   ► that you and I talked about orbits [TS]

00:32:45 ◼   ► around this this issue that you know [TS]

00:32:49 ◼   ► that feeling of dissatisfaction in the [TS]

00:32:52 ◼   ► feeling of everything that you've [TS]

00:32:54 ◼   ► accomplished adds up to [TS]

00:32:56 ◼   ► yes uh huh you know that there's no [TS]

00:32:59 ◼   ► there's no reasonable way I could think [TS]

00:33:05 ◼   ► that and that's what that that's because [TS]

00:33:08 ◼   ► depression is unreasonable it's [TS]

00:33:10 ◼   ► completely unreasonable and and the [TS]

00:33:12 ◼   ► thing that has caused me to [TS]

00:33:13 ◼   ► misunderstand it and and really really [TS]

00:33:16 ◼   ► eat the booger on how I dealt with [TS]

00:33:18 ◼   ► somebody important in my life had [TS]

00:33:20 ◼   ► depression and i know it was that I was [TS]

00:33:22 ◼   ► of the ok that's long enough it's time [TS]

00:33:25 ◼   ► to buck up school right and and you know [TS]

00:33:27 ◼   ► I think you tell me if this is correct [TS]

00:33:30 ◼   ► in your experience but my understanding [TS]

00:33:31 ◼   ► is that the most insidious thing about [TS]

00:33:34 ◼   ► depression is not the true that a sad [TS]

00:33:36 ◼   ► it's not that you really really sad [TS]

00:33:38 ◼   ► it's not even that you sometimes think [TS]

00:33:39 ◼   ► about harming yourself like that's [TS]

00:33:41 ◼   ► actually stuff that a lot of people feel [TS]

00:33:42 ◼   ► like a fair amount of the time it's just [TS]

00:33:45 ◼   ► that no matter no matter what day it is [TS]

00:33:48 ◼   ► it it feels completely impossible to [TS]

00:33:51 ◼   ► imagine a world where it could be better [TS]

00:33:53 ◼   ► line up for a lot of people them the [TS]

00:33:55 ◼   ► worst part of it and the part that I [TS]

00:33:57 ◼   ► think this set sounds like that's i'm [TS]

00:33:59 ◼   ► already saying that but I think that [TS]

00:34:01 ◼   ► doesn't really sink in for people who [TS]

00:34:02 ◼   ► don't have depression is it is fairly [TS]

00:34:04 ◼   ► constant it does come sometimes get a [TS]

00:34:07 ◼   ► lot worse and the last thing in the [TS]

00:34:09 ◼   ► world you could ever imagine is having a [TS]

00:34:11 ◼   ► get better [TS]

00:34:12 ◼   ► it does yeah it doesn't a bait but it [TS]

00:34:14 ◼   ► also attaches itself to your normal [TS]

00:34:18 ◼   ► sense of reason right it is it doesn't [TS]

00:34:22 ◼   ► it doesn't fly how you see and decide [TS]

00:34:24 ◼   ► yeah it's not it's not like it's not [TS]

00:34:26 ◼   ► like some kind of crazy like [TS]

00:34:30 ◼   ► republicanism we're all of a sudden you [TS]

00:34:32 ◼   ► think you're the president is a Muslim [TS]

00:34:34 ◼   ► and you know it's not like it's not like [TS]

00:34:36 ◼   ► madness it is already went to college in [TS]

00:34:40 ◼   ► a Burger King if it is a thing it is a [TS]

00:34:43 ◼   ► thing where you look at it you make [TS]

00:34:45 ◼   ► normal assessments [TS]

00:34:47 ◼   ► in a way that seems absolutely rational [TS]

00:34:51 ◼   ► but your conclusion is that you really [TS]

00:34:55 ◼   ► fucked it up [TS]

00:34:56 ◼   ► you really are you are you are you are a [TS]

00:34:59 ◼   ► real turd in this situation you know [TS]

00:35:01 ◼   ► when I I'll help start making a pot of [TS]

00:35:03 ◼   ► macaroni and cheese and there will be [TS]

00:35:06 ◼   ► three or four opportunities in the [TS]

00:35:08 ◼   ► course of waiting for the water to boil [TS]

00:35:09 ◼   ► and adding the powdered cheese packet [TS]

00:35:12 ◼   ► and eating the macaroni and cheese where [TS]

00:35:14 ◼   ► I feel like this macaroni and cheese is [TS]

00:35:17 ◼   ► a is a metaphor for how I'm not thriving [TS]

00:35:21 ◼   ► and so the macaroni and cheese tastes [TS]

00:35:26 ◼   ► like a picture turns to ashes [TS]

00:35:31 ◼   ► you know like it it robs you of the the [TS]

00:35:34 ◼   ► potential to enjoy even the simple [TS]

00:35:36 ◼   ► things because you are finding your [TS]

00:35:39 ◼   ► finding like all the all the evidence [TS]

00:35:43 ◼   ► you need in the simple things that you [TS]

00:35:45 ◼   ► do for why you are a flop [TS]

00:35:50 ◼   ► it's the things around you that stepped [TS]

00:35:52 ◼   ► on an intellectual level you may not [TS]

00:35:55 ◼   ► think have anything to do with that [TS]

00:35:57 ◼   ► start to become emblematic of like what [TS]

00:36:00 ◼   ► that person is or failure or everything [TS]

00:36:02 ◼   ► becomes evidence evidence residence of [TS]

00:36:04 ◼   ► the second fair sight [TS]

00:36:05 ◼   ► yeah and you're and you're Europe you're [TS]

00:36:08 ◼   ► using your ear capacity to you know that [TS]

00:36:13 ◼   ► the it is a capacity that I prize in [TS]

00:36:15 ◼   ► myself to look at the evidence to walk [TS]

00:36:18 ◼   ► out the door and look at the evidence [TS]

00:36:20 ◼   ► and and make decisions you know like [TS]

00:36:24 ◼   ► based on what I see and what I know you [TS]

00:36:28 ◼   ► know and that's it that is this prized [TS]

00:36:30 ◼   ► faculty that i use everywhere I go like [TS]

00:36:32 ◼   ► haha i see how this is gonna go this guy [TS]

00:36:35 ◼   ► over here is about to throw his [TS]

00:36:36 ◼   ► milkshake in haha he did I saw it but [TS]

00:36:40 ◼   ► you but when you turn that faculty on [TS]

00:36:43 ◼   ► yourself and all the evidence points to [TS]

00:36:46 ◼   ► that you are [TS]

00:36:48 ◼   ► a drag [TS]

00:36:51 ◼   ► that's when you know that that that [TS]

00:36:54 ◼   ► faculty is is normally the thing I lean [TS]

00:36:56 ◼   ► on so when it returns this evidence to [TS]

00:37:01 ◼   ► me that i am you know that that that [TS]

00:37:04 ◼   ► everything I've ever made that belongs [TS]

00:37:07 ◼   ► on the dustbin it's very hard for me to [TS]

00:37:09 ◼   ► go well in that instance you're the in [TS]

00:37:14 ◼   ► that instance your your your faculty for [TS]

00:37:16 ◼   ► seeing is is flawed or broken because I [TS]

00:37:21 ◼   ► use it all the time I trust my faculty [TS]

00:37:23 ◼   ► for seeing so and and that is so super [TS]

00:37:28 ◼   ► complicated because I'm just I'm [TS]

00:37:29 ◼   ► processing what you're saying yeah here [TS]

00:37:31 ◼   ► but at some mean you you're a very [TS]

00:37:34 ◼   ► rational guy in a lot of ways you're [TS]

00:37:37 ◼   ► certainly monkey balls in many ways but [TS]

00:37:39 ◼   ► now you're a guy who really thrives on [TS]

00:37:41 ◼   ► saying now like what is the thing that's [TS]

00:37:43 ◼   ► really hear what is the essential nature [TS]

00:37:45 ◼   ► of this conversation that we're having [TS]

00:37:47 ◼   ► what is the essential nature of this [TS]

00:37:50 ◼   ► deal that you're trying to offer me and [TS]

00:37:51 ◼   ► keep changing the topic about it seems [TS]

00:37:53 ◼   ► to me that like you have the scars to [TS]

00:37:56 ◼   ► show for being somebody who was [TS]

00:37:58 ◼   ► surrounded by things that dulled the [TS]

00:38:01 ◼   ► influence of the outside world to where [TS]

00:38:03 ◼   ► you now seriously seemed to really [TS]

00:38:05 ◼   ► thrive on having a more direct [TS]

00:38:07 ◼   ► experience of what the fuck is really [TS]

00:38:10 ◼   ► happening and that you if there's [TS]

00:38:12 ◼   ► anything you trust about yourself [TS]

00:38:14 ◼   ► it is your ability to know that you're [TS]

00:38:16 ◼   ► always being as honest as a human can be [TS]

00:38:18 ◼   ► about what the fuck is really happening [TS]

00:38:20 ◼   ► here [TS]

00:38:20 ◼   ► yeah and and when you turn around the [TS]

00:38:23 ◼   ► past that's become something and you [TS]

00:38:24 ◼   ► certainly have every reason to be proud [TS]

00:38:25 ◼   ► of that because you went through a lot [TS]

00:38:27 ◼   ► of shit to get to where that's your mo [TS]

00:38:28 ◼   ► and it's so close [TS]

00:38:30 ◼   ► well the and the problem so the problem [TS]

00:38:34 ◼   ► is that when somebody says to me if you [TS]

00:38:37 ◼   ► take this if you take this serotonin [TS]

00:38:41 ◼   ► reuptake inhibitor who it's going to [TS]

00:38:44 ◼   ► make you not feel that way anymore i go [TS]

00:38:50 ◼   ► i I'm suspicious because it doesn't feel [TS]

00:38:54 ◼   ► the depression doesn't feel alien that [TS]

00:38:57 ◼   ► is the that is what is insidious about [TS]

00:38:59 ◼   ► it it does not feel it certainly [TS]

00:39:02 ◼   ► feels like a handicap but it doesn't [TS]

00:39:05 ◼   ► feel like a stranger doesn't feel [TS]

00:39:07 ◼   ► external no i'm not at all you sitting [TS]

00:39:10 ◼   ► you know because what happens is i look [TS]

00:39:11 ◼   ► around the room and I go well come on [TS]

00:39:13 ◼   ► I mean look at that look at that look at [TS]

00:39:16 ◼   ► that poster on the wall that [TS]

00:39:17 ◼   ► commemorates that great show that you [TS]

00:39:22 ◼   ► played like that should be a source of [TS]

00:39:26 ◼   ► like uncomplicated pleasure for you you [TS]

00:39:30 ◼   ► have a you have a beautiful poster that [TS]

00:39:33 ◼   ► commemorates this wonderful show that [TS]

00:39:35 ◼   ► you remember fondly [TS]

00:39:36 ◼   ► how can you find a downside to that and [TS]

00:39:40 ◼   ► then the voice doesn't even need [TS]

00:39:43 ◼   ► prompting you know it says well you know [TS]

00:39:47 ◼   ► only only someone with a low self-esteem [TS]

00:39:51 ◼   ► would need a poster to remind him that [TS]

00:39:54 ◼   ► he was that he had good things in his [TS]

00:39:57 ◼   ► life right now doing it and how did you [TS]

00:39:59 ◼   ► get this number [TS]

00:40:00 ◼   ► well Thea only a person you know that [TS]

00:40:03 ◼   ► and then look around the room like Oh [TS]

00:40:04 ◼   ► everything in this room is just some [TS]

00:40:06 ◼   ► kind of sham a reflective surface [TS]

00:40:10 ◼   ► broadcasting your own life back to you [TS]

00:40:15 ◼   ► in these discrete chunks to try and make [TS]

00:40:19 ◼   ► yourself feel better about what a shit [TS]

00:40:21 ◼   ► job you've done and you know there's [TS]

00:40:24 ◼   ► nothing there is no small thing that [TS]

00:40:27 ◼   ► cannot be robbed of all its joy by this [TS]

00:40:31 ◼   ► friend who sits next to me in the [TS]

00:40:34 ◼   ► cockpit and whispers in my ear and says [TS]

00:40:37 ◼   ► oh yeah no I mean everything everything [TS]

00:40:40 ◼   ► that you love is a thing that you love [TS]

00:40:43 ◼   ► because you are a shame and you just you [TS]

00:40:47 ◼   ► know and and talking about it to people [TS]

00:40:49 ◼   ► get it you know i remember the the the [TS]

00:40:53 ◼   ► friend that you referenced earlier you [TS]

00:40:55 ◼   ► know a this person that was lovely and [TS]

00:40:58 ◼   ► you loved and she struggled in the same [TS]

00:41:01 ◼   ► way and you know i have seen that happen [TS]

00:41:05 ◼   ► with people who struggle with depression [TS]

00:41:06 ◼   ► is more severe than mine who are no [TS]

00:41:08 ◼   ► longer on this earth [TS]

00:41:10 ◼   ► who and you know I feel lucky that my [TS]

00:41:14 ◼   ► that I never the idea of harming myself [TS]

00:41:16 ◼   ► has never occurred to me because I feel [TS]

00:41:19 ◼   ► like when it's time for me to go I'm [TS]

00:41:21 ◼   ► gonna take as many motherfuckers out [TS]

00:41:23 ◼   ► with me as I possibly can [TS]

00:41:24 ◼   ► there's going to be I mean if there [TS]

00:41:27 ◼   ► isn't a mushroom cloud at least to mark [TS]

00:41:29 ◼   ► my passage from this world I really will [TS]

00:41:32 ◼   ► have failed but but at the same time [TS]

00:41:37 ◼   ► like this living in a kind of low-level [TS]

00:41:40 ◼   ► gray is just no way to be it's just no [TS]

00:41:44 ◼   ► way to be and unfortunately i can't get [TS]

00:41:47 ◼   ► over the hump of thinking that a [TS]

00:41:49 ◼   ► serotonin reuptake inhibitor or cross [TS]

00:41:52 ◼   ► tops or exercise or more blow jobs or [TS]

00:41:55 ◼   ► whatever it is that that that I get [TS]

00:41:57 ◼   ► prescribed by people and I know talking [TS]

00:42:00 ◼   ► about this i'm going to get a thousand [TS]

00:42:01 ◼   ► tweets from people who are like all you [TS]

00:42:03 ◼   ► need to do is blah blah and let me just [TS]

00:42:07 ◼   ► I hate to break the fourth wall but [TS]

00:42:08 ◼   ► please don't send me your cures [TS]

00:42:10 ◼   ► thoughtful people for the love of Christ [TS]

00:42:15 ◼   ► but you know as soon as you start [TS]

00:42:19 ◼   ► talking about it there are people that [TS]

00:42:21 ◼   ► want to help help cure you and that is [TS]

00:42:24 ◼   ► the problem but the very principle of of [TS]

00:42:27 ◼   ► of trying to seek a cure is like I have [TS]

00:42:34 ◼   ► a million reasons why that what that is [TS]

00:42:37 ◼   ► going to work in the truth this is very [TS]

00:42:39 ◼   ► rarely as simple as about about about [TS]

00:42:40 ◼   ► but about is what somebody reports [TS]

00:42:43 ◼   ► because that eventually worked [TS]

00:42:45 ◼   ► yeah man and and thank God and God bless [TS]

00:42:47 ◼   ► them but I hi a lot of my friends who [TS]

00:42:49 ◼   ► have gotten treatment for depression is [TS]

00:42:51 ◼   ► a pretty fucking rough go and sometimes [TS]

00:42:54 ◼   ► it got worse and then sometimes they [TS]

00:42:56 ◼   ► couldn't get a boner and and sometimes [TS]

00:42:58 ◼   ► it took two years i'm not trying to say [TS]

00:43:00 ◼   ► don't look for help I'm also saying [TS]

00:43:02 ◼   ► don't percent it's as simple as drink [TS]

00:43:04 ◼   ► some green tea and walk in the woods [TS]

00:43:06 ◼   ► you're saying that i'm looking into a [TS]

00:43:07 ◼   ► into an oboe near future so i can [TS]

00:43:10 ◼   ► remember that men when the boner will [TS]

00:43:12 ◼   ► stare back at you from the abyss [TS]

00:43:15 ◼   ► yeah well you know I I'm a minute I you [TS]

00:43:18 ◼   ► know I I I don't have anything like [TS]

00:43:21 ◼   ► depression as far as i know if i have [TS]

00:43:24 ◼   ► anything it's my head your new problems [TS]

00:43:26 ◼   ► I'd be more depressed well you know easy [TS]

00:43:29 ◼   ► you gotta just be careful about the [TS]

00:43:31 ◼   ► onions and I know how hard that would be [TS]

00:43:32 ◼   ► for you so i think really we have no [TS]

00:43:34 ◼   ► hand are you having a hundred Henry [TS]

00:43:35 ◼   ► situation you can have my onions [TS]

00:43:40 ◼   ► I'll take your my haircut i'll take your [TS]

00:43:43 ◼   ► lack of occasional lack of mania ok you [TS]

00:43:47 ◼   ► know but but I don't know there's just [TS]

00:43:48 ◼   ► something that when I learned that that [TS]

00:43:50 ◼   ► really resonated with me because i [TS]

00:43:52 ◼   ► really got it I got it that's the [TS]

00:43:53 ◼   ► capital D part of depression is that it [TS]

00:43:56 ◼   ► doesn't feel like it's a veil that can [TS]

00:43:57 ◼   ► be lifted and as you say it isn't a [TS]

00:43:59 ◼   ► matter of flicking his bugbear off your [TS]

00:44:00 ◼   ► shoulder or saying Satan I rebuke thee [TS]

00:44:03 ◼   ► it's it's a good deal more complicated [TS]

00:44:06 ◼   ► it's the renowned say to my Michael [TS]

00:44:14 ◼   ► ritzy the but you know this is another [TS]

00:44:18 ◼   ► way to put this and I'm not as you know [TS]

00:44:19 ◼   ► I'm not a depression psychiatrist but [TS]

00:44:21 ◼   ► but I you know if you saw somebody [TS]

00:44:23 ◼   ► walking around with bronchitis you [TS]

00:44:28 ◼   ► wouldn't just tell him to back up you [TS]

00:44:30 ◼   ► would have to understand that to get rid [TS]

00:44:31 ◼   ► of that bronchitis there's certain [TS]

00:44:33 ◼   ► things to really get rid of bronchitis [TS]

00:44:34 ◼   ► you gotta take some antibiotics and [TS]

00:44:35 ◼   ► stuff [TS]

00:44:36 ◼   ► well sir that matter if you saw somebody [TS]

00:44:38 ◼   ► who is like missing a hand and he said [TS]

00:44:40 ◼   ► we'll just try harder to get handy but [TS]

00:44:42 ◼   ► here's but here's the trick is that you [TS]

00:44:44 ◼   ► have you have mania i have depression a [TS]

00:44:48 ◼   ► little mean you don't ya [TS]

00:44:51 ◼   ► good i got other problems i don't have [TS]

00:44:53 ◼   ► damaged hmm but these things are also [TS]

00:44:57 ◼   ► talents [TS]

00:44:59 ◼   ► yeah like Kierkegaard had mania and [TS]

00:45:04 ◼   ► depression and his name rings out you [TS]

00:45:09 ◼   ► know for 450 thousand years of human [TS]

00:45:12 ◼   ► history mania and depression were things [TS]

00:45:14 ◼   ► that were that were useful talents right [TS]

00:45:18 ◼   ► now that made that made people become [TS]

00:45:22 ◼   ► monks or philosophers or [TS]

00:45:25 ◼   ► or scientists or or conquerors you know [TS]

00:45:29 ◼   ► these are these are not just handicaps [TS]

00:45:33 ◼   ► they are they're very complex sort of [TS]

00:45:38 ◼   ► some rainbow of qualities and our [TS]

00:45:44 ◼   ► fixation now and then you know in part [TS]

00:45:46 ◼   ► of the part of why my depression is is [TS]

00:45:49 ◼   ► that is so hobbling is that i live in a [TS]

00:45:53 ◼   ► world where I have the resources and I [TS]

00:45:56 ◼   ► have the inclination to further isolate [TS]

00:46:00 ◼   ► myself from people and to live in an [TS]

00:46:03 ◼   ► ivory tower and at any time prior in [TS]

00:46:08 ◼   ► human history unless I was a very very [TS]

00:46:10 ◼   ► rich person I wouldn't be able to do [TS]

00:46:12 ◼   ► that and so I would have been out in the [TS]

00:46:13 ◼   ► streets and my depression would have [TS]

00:46:14 ◼   ► been mitigated somewhat by just having [TS]

00:46:16 ◼   ► to go down to the cart to the onion cart [TS]

00:46:19 ◼   ► and by an onion every day if I wanted an [TS]

00:46:22 ◼   ► onion and your mania would be a likewise [TS]

00:46:25 ◼   ► more assimilated into the culture and [TS]

00:46:29 ◼   ► particularly given that the life [TS]

00:46:31 ◼   ► expectancy of people was 37 years by [TS]

00:46:35 ◼   ► this point we would already be dead and [TS]

00:46:37 ◼   ► and our problems would you know would be [TS]

00:46:41 ◼   ► a bit [TS]

00:46:43 ◼   ► whatever whatever our personality was [TS]

00:46:45 ◼   ► they would just remember us in our [TS]

00:46:46 ◼   ► village and they'd be like yeah he was [TS]

00:46:48 ◼   ► amazing [TS]

00:46:49 ◼   ► you see that church spire he wants to [TS]

00:46:52 ◼   ► climb to clean up and ranted about [TS]

00:46:54 ◼   ► that's not real talkative guy read about [TS]

00:46:57 ◼   ► the president was a Muslim for a couple [TS]

00:46:59 ◼   ► of days before he got tired and fell [TS]

00:47:02 ◼   ► into the onion cart so so that that's [TS]

00:47:06 ◼   ► the that's the flip side is is that it [TS]

00:47:09 ◼   ► is in this family of modern diagnosis of [TS]

00:47:13 ◼   ► mental pathology some of which I mean I [TS]

00:47:18 ◼   ► don't see what the upside to chronic [TS]

00:47:21 ◼   ► fatigue syndrome is except that except [TS]

00:47:25 ◼   ► that it used to be called a what clergy [TS]

00:47:29 ◼   ► or I mean it was a alright it was a [TS]

00:47:32 ◼   ► thing that that very aristocratic women [TS]

00:47:36 ◼   ► fell victim to wear all [TS]

00:47:38 ◼   ► where they had to lay on a on a Sunday [TS]

00:47:40 ◼   ► fans on their fainting couch there [TS]

00:47:42 ◼   ► fainting couch with their with their you [TS]

00:47:45 ◼   ► know their ether soaked opera glasses [TS]

00:47:48 ◼   ► yeah they're either soap opera glasses [TS]

00:47:50 ◼   ► that exactly [TS]

00:47:52 ◼   ► and finally I can see clearly so looking [TS]

00:47:55 ◼   ► back through history like all of these [TS]

00:47:57 ◼   ► if these modern diagnosis have analogs [TS]

00:48:00 ◼   ► in the past a lot of them were either [TS]

00:48:03 ◼   ► considered talents including bordering [TS]

00:48:06 ◼   ► on like mystical talents or they were [TS]

00:48:11 ◼   ► you know they were integrated into our [TS]

00:48:13 ◼   ► culture as a like out she is she's too [TS]

00:48:16 ◼   ► delicate for she's too delicate for [TS]

00:48:19 ◼   ► modern life and we need to bring her [TS]

00:48:21 ◼   ► like lukewarm tea and now we are you [TS]

00:48:24 ◼   ► know we're shooting her shooting the [TS]

00:48:26 ◼   ► same person full of hormones or I don't [TS]

00:48:30 ◼   ► know or and Federman's most of the time [TS]

00:48:33 ◼   ► who so so I'm really you know I it all [TS]

00:48:38 ◼   ► falls into this family of [TS]

00:48:39 ◼   ► psychopharmacology that that very much [TS]

00:48:46 ◼   ► like the internet I feel like still is [TS]

00:48:48 ◼   ► in the bicycle engine stage of of [TS]

00:48:53 ◼   ► aviation where the wings are made of of [TS]

00:48:56 ◼   ► a tissue paper and somebody has a [TS]

00:48:59 ◼   ► one-and-a-half horsepower single single [TS]

00:49:03 ◼   ► piston engine and they're flying we [TS]

00:49:06 ◼   ► could fly right can affect the brain now [TS]

00:49:09 ◼   ► let's do it so it's all still like it's [TS]

00:49:13 ◼   ► amazing how much stuff in medicine in [TS]

00:49:16 ◼   ► general and in psychopharmacology in [TS]

00:49:17 ◼   ► particular is is still just just a [TS]

00:49:21 ◼   ► little bit northeast of medieval um I [TS]

00:49:24 ◼   ► mean how in some ways like pain medicine [TS]

00:49:26 ◼   ► is so simple the way the pain medicine [TS]

00:49:28 ◼   ► works is is just ridiculously simple [TS]

00:49:30 ◼   ► it's not doing something super [TS]

00:49:31 ◼   ► sophisticated blocking the receptors but [TS]

00:49:34 ◼   ► it doesn't go to the to the broken hand [TS]

00:49:36 ◼   ► it goes to the brain right and like with [TS]

00:49:38 ◼   ► my shrink you know and you know i always [TS]

00:49:40 ◼   ► i hate to misquote because it's very [TS]

00:49:41 ◼   ► exacting man but he can sit there and [TS]

00:49:44 ◼   ► show me like oh these two hands [TS]

00:49:45 ◼   ► represented the two sides of this you [TS]

00:49:47 ◼   ► know and these drugs work together does [TS]

00:49:49 ◼   ► this and that and it's all completely [TS]

00:49:50 ◼   ► coaching but with the part that [TS]

00:49:51 ◼   ► really understand is that if my brain is [TS]

00:49:53 ◼   ► not making enough of this juice that [TS]

00:49:55 ◼   ► lets me be happy in life I get [TS]

00:49:57 ◼   ► distracted right but some people use [TS]

00:49:59 ◼   ► some people get so much of that Jews [TS]

00:50:01 ◼   ► yeah too much juice [TS]

00:50:02 ◼   ► yeah i just described everybody i went [TS]

00:50:04 ◼   ► to high school with so much is too much [TS]

00:50:06 ◼   ► of the one kind of jitter juice not [TS]

00:50:09 ◼   ► enough of the other kind of tooth on one [TS]

00:50:11 ◼   ► end it all presupposes that there is a [TS]

00:50:15 ◼   ► that there is a correct degree of [TS]

00:50:20 ◼   ► humaneness you know that there is a that [TS]

00:50:22 ◼   ► there is an ideal amount an ideal [TS]

00:50:25 ◼   ► balance to to any mind that translates [TS]

00:50:31 ◼   ► across all mines so what we are seeking [TS]

00:50:34 ◼   ► is this this balance this broken this is [TS]

00:50:38 ◼   ► healing of brokenness where I mean I [TS]

00:50:41 ◼   ► honestly cannot in some ways separate my [TS]

00:50:44 ◼   ► depression from my personality and two [TS]

00:50:48 ◼   ► and this is the this is the problem with [TS]

00:50:51 ◼   ► schizophrenics whoo-hoo take medicine [TS]

00:50:54 ◼   ► and they're like that i don't feel fun [TS]

00:50:55 ◼   ► anymore [TS]

00:50:56 ◼   ► I mean admittedly i was living under the [TS]

00:51:00 ◼   ► embarcadero but god I was seeing some [TS]

00:51:04 ◼   ► colors right and I don't want to take [TS]

00:51:06 ◼   ► this medicine because it makes me feel [TS]

00:51:07 ◼   ► dull and you know and they they give up [TS]

00:51:10 ◼   ► their job and apartment and wife and [TS]

00:51:12 ◼   ► they go back to living under the bridge [TS]

00:51:13 ◼   ► because because there they feel like [TS]

00:51:17 ◼   ► they're like their mind isn't theirs and [TS]

00:51:20 ◼   ► and for me like I'm not sure what amount [TS]

00:51:25 ◼   ► of healing i'm seeking and guess because [TS]

00:51:28 ◼   ► I mean you know what have you ever [TS]

00:51:29 ◼   ► wanted to be clinical normal in the [TS]

00:51:30 ◼   ► first place [TS]

00:51:31 ◼   ► uh well I mean that in the regard never [TS]

00:51:35 ◼   ► seen it was an option right is it is one [TS]

00:51:38 ◼   ► of the many articles I didn't finish [TS]

00:51:39 ◼   ► reading this week was about the [TS]

00:51:42 ◼   ► diagnosis of autism in different [TS]

00:51:44 ◼   ► societies and how it's it's such a [TS]

00:51:46 ◼   ► tricky thing because there are and again [TS]

00:51:48 ◼   ► I haven't finished this article yet but [TS]

00:51:49 ◼   ► but it did grab me because part of the [TS]

00:51:51 ◼   ► notion is that it you know a lot of what [TS]

00:51:54 ◼   ► we consider autism today you know these [TS]

00:51:59 ◼   ► tests like do you make eye contact with [TS]

00:52:01 ◼   ► people can you follow this conversation [TS]

00:52:02 ◼   ► and you know there are a lot of cultures [TS]

00:52:04 ◼   ► where we'll be there [TS]

00:52:05 ◼   ► disrespectful for somebody feel like a [TS]

00:52:06 ◼   ► kid to look at elder in the eye while [TS]

00:52:09 ◼   ► they're talking to them you might look [TS]

00:52:10 ◼   ► at their face but you wouldn't look them [TS]

00:52:11 ◼   ► in the eye [TS]

00:52:12 ◼   ► interesting there's you know I mean this [TS]

00:52:13 ◼   ► Anu could do that any variety of decades [TS]

00:52:16 ◼   ► it is that's probably this is a long [TS]

00:52:17 ◼   ► walk off a short pier but you know it's [TS]

00:52:20 ◼   ► that I mean I think the thing that's how [TS]

00:52:23 ◼   ► this doesn't sound too homespun but i [TS]

00:52:25 ◼   ► think it's just natural to want to not [TS]

00:52:27 ◼   ► feel like you're on the edge you know [TS]

00:52:29 ◼   ► it's it isn't isn't even to say that you [TS]

00:52:32 ◼   ► know anybody necessarily crazy like oh I [TS]

00:52:33 ◼   ► want to be like other people or I want [TS]

00:52:36 ◼   ► you just want to not feel like fucked up [TS]

00:52:37 ◼   ► it's just not fun to wake up every day [TS]

00:52:39 ◼   ► and feel off balance before you even get [TS]

00:52:41 ◼   ► out of bed [TS]

00:52:42 ◼   ► it's really depressing yeah it is [TS]

00:52:44 ◼   ► depressing although that was exactly the [TS]

00:52:47 ◼   ► feeling i stalked from the ages of 16 to [TS]

00:52:50 ◼   ► 30 like I wanted to feel on the edge all [TS]

00:52:55 ◼   ► the time that was how life felt [TS]

00:52:57 ◼   ► meaningful and real to me [TS]

00:53:00 ◼   ► uh-huh um and I look at other I look at [TS]

00:53:02 ◼   ► young people [TS]

00:53:03 ◼   ► cool arm who are engaging life in a very [TS]

00:53:09 ◼   ► different way than i did want you know [TS]

00:53:11 ◼   ► when I was that age I oh I did this [TS]

00:53:14 ◼   ► video shoot down in in la month or two [TS]

00:53:21 ◼   ► ago and one of the camera operators on [TS]

00:53:23 ◼   ► the shoot was like 21 and very competent [TS]

00:53:29 ◼   ► camera operator and I got chatting with [TS]

00:53:33 ◼   ► him and said you know how did you get [TS]

00:53:35 ◼   ► here and he's like well you know when i [TS]

00:53:36 ◼   ► graduated from high school I really [TS]

00:53:38 ◼   ► wanted to make movies so they were [TS]

00:53:43 ◼   ► filming an episode of portlandia in my [TS]

00:53:46 ◼   ► town I was 16 and I just went over and [TS]

00:53:50 ◼   ► hung around until they gave me a job to [TS]

00:53:54 ◼   ► do [TS]

00:53:55 ◼   ► running to get coffee and then pretty [TS]

00:53:57 ◼   ► soon I was assisting the cameraperson [TS]

00:53:59 ◼   ► and then i was when i was running one of [TS]

00:54:02 ◼   ► the cameras and you know now I live in [TS]

00:54:04 ◼   ► Hollywood and i'm 21 and I haven't [TS]

00:54:07 ◼   ► unbelievable i get that person it's [TS]

00:54:09 ◼   ► unbelievable but of course there are so [TS]

00:54:12 ◼   ► many examples of people that at 16 17 [TS]

00:54:15 ◼   ► years old they're like I want to be a [TS]

00:54:17 ◼   ► rock star i want to be in hollywood or I [TS]

00:54:19 ◼   ► want to be a writer i wanted i want to [TS]

00:54:21 ◼   ► be in politics or or whatever and they [TS]

00:54:26 ◼   ► had no doubt about that choice they just [TS]

00:54:31 ◼   ► went and did it and and then at a young [TS]

00:54:36 ◼   ► age they're very accomplished and [TS]

00:54:37 ◼   ► they're on a path then they don't seem [TS]

00:54:40 ◼   ► and they don't they're not sitting there [TS]

00:54:42 ◼   ► saying but what if i should have been [TS]

00:54:44 ◼   ► what if i should have gone to medical [TS]

00:54:45 ◼   ► school what if i should have been an [TS]

00:54:47 ◼   ► astronaut you know they're like I'm [TS]

00:54:49 ◼   ► doing what I love to do and this is what [TS]

00:54:50 ◼   ► i wanted to do in here I go off i go at [TS]

00:54:53 ◼   ► and I i can't help but contrast myself [TS]

00:54:56 ◼   ► against them when I was that age 21 [TS]

00:54:59 ◼   ► years old I was you know sitting [TS]

00:55:03 ◼   ► somewhere it on a barstool imagining [TS]

00:55:07 ◼   ► that I could and should be doing [TS]

00:55:11 ◼   ► everything and didn't know where to [TS]

00:55:16 ◼   ► begin doing everything wasn't exactly [TS]

00:55:18 ◼   ► sure like how you got a degree in doing [TS]

00:55:21 ◼   ► everything and was I mean not just not [TS]

00:55:28 ◼   ► just was inconceivable that I would go [TS]

00:55:30 ◼   ► down to a film shoot and stand around [TS]

00:55:33 ◼   ► saying hey can I can I lend a hand until [TS]

00:55:37 ◼   ► until somebody was like yeah hey kid [TS]

00:55:39 ◼   ► come over here and hold this you know [TS]

00:55:41 ◼   ► not only was it inconceivable that that [TS]

00:55:43 ◼   ► would happen but but to my mind at the [TS]

00:55:49 ◼   ► time like what a waste [TS]

00:55:51 ◼   ► they're just running coffee for some guy [TS]

00:55:52 ◼   ► like and a half second of proposed you [TS]

00:55:56 ◼   ► might go wait a minute i'm supposed to [TS]

00:55:57 ◼   ► be a senator and I run night in the [TS]

00:55:59 ◼   ► senator line right so those you know [TS]

00:56:04 ◼   ► those people are are certainly a model [TS]

00:56:08 ◼   ► but if i compare myself to somebody like [TS]

00:56:11 ◼   ► that [TS]

00:56:12 ◼   ► I cannot I cannot win you know I cannot [TS]

00:56:15 ◼   ► think like that is normal and i am and i [TS]

00:56:19 ◼   ► need to fix what's broken about me to [TS]

00:56:21 ◼   ► get closer to that because I'm because I [TS]

00:56:25 ◼   ► don't resemble it in the least bit and I [TS]

00:56:27 ◼   ► admire those kids i love to sit in and [TS]

00:56:30 ◼   ► talk to them in conversation but i [TS]

00:56:32 ◼   ► cannot buy it but comparing my own [TS]

00:56:35 ◼   ► attributes to theirs would be like [TS]

00:56:37 ◼   ► comparing my looks to there's there's [TS]

00:56:41 ◼   ► just nothing I can do to be to be that [TS]

00:56:47 ◼   ► successful really to be that [TS]

00:56:49 ◼   ► single-minded and and to be that sort of [TS]

00:56:52 ◼   ► up on a course and happy with the [TS]

00:56:56 ◼   ► results [TS]

00:56:56 ◼   ► I don't know I i don't know why i do not [TS]

00:57:01 ◼   ► know it if you assume that there's a a [TS]

00:57:04 ◼   ► bell curve of humanity and we are we are [TS]

00:57:07 ◼   ► apportioned different traits because [TS]

00:57:09 ◼   ► there is a clockmaker who has put this [TS]

00:57:13 ◼   ► universe into motion in order to [TS]

00:57:18 ◼   ► accomplish some inscrutable goal I [TS]

00:57:21 ◼   ► cannot imagine why you would load up a [TS]

00:57:25 ◼   ► human person with my attributes and set [TS]

00:57:28 ◼   ► them loose on this world i do not know [TS]

00:57:30 ◼   ► what I am contributing or why you would [TS]

00:57:35 ◼   ► what why you would even put so many sort [TS]

00:57:39 ◼   ► of self-contradictory qualities in one [TS]

00:57:44 ◼   ► organism and basically set it loose upon [TS]

00:57:48 ◼   ► itself like here you go here you go [TS]

00:57:51 ◼   ► animal go get them at the animal [TS]

00:57:54 ◼   ► immediately starts punching itself and [TS]

00:57:57 ◼   ► saying you don't even know how to punch [TS]

00:57:59 ◼   ► come out a punch-up like why would you [TS]

00:58:03 ◼   ► do that to a thing right but there you [TS]

00:58:06 ◼   ► have it [TS]

00:58:06 ◼   ► it's what it's one of B it's one of the [TS]

00:58:09 ◼   ► things i would point to to say perhaps [TS]

00:58:11 ◼   ► intelligent design is not actually help [TS]

00:58:13 ◼   ► of the universe is working the kind of [TS]

00:58:15 ◼   ► design but I mean to have to have that [TS]

00:58:17 ◼   ► constantly even when it's not that [TS]

00:58:18 ◼   ► traumatic for a fact did the the [TS]

00:58:21 ◼   ► constant leveling of that message in [TS]

00:58:23 ◼   ► your head can't help but become a [TS]

00:58:25 ◼   ► distraction from taking a step in any [TS]

00:58:28 ◼   ► direction you yeah self-doubt must must [TS]

00:58:31 ◼   ► you know something i must always be [TS]

00:58:33 ◼   ► looming and it raises the question take [TS]

00:58:35 ◼   ► a step in any direction for why [TS]

00:58:37 ◼   ► yeah you know and that's the that's the [TS]

00:58:39 ◼   ► that's that's the insidious part i [TS]

00:58:45 ◼   ► admire people who build houses for poor [TS]

00:58:52 ◼   ► people you know like Habitat for [TS]

00:58:53 ◼   ► Humanity I admire doctors without [TS]

00:58:56 ◼   ► borders but i do not feel the pull to [TS]

00:59:02 ◼   ► help people in that way and there's [TS]

00:59:06 ◼   ► another thing that's like you think [TS]

00:59:08 ◼   ► about what you're saying like with the [TS]

00:59:09 ◼   ► kid doing that in that gig in something [TS]

00:59:12 ◼   ► i mentioned last week about if you want [TS]

00:59:16 ◼   ► to i do the right thing rather trying to [TS]

00:59:18 ◼   ► tell them do the right thing work demand [TS]

00:59:20 ◼   ► and it's useful to create the conditions [TS]

00:59:23 ◼   ► for the right thing happening and that [TS]

00:59:25 ◼   ► is something if you said that to me if [TS]

00:59:27 ◼   ► I'd said that to me [TS]

00:59:29 ◼   ► 30 years ago I don't think i would have [TS]

00:59:31 ◼   ► I would I would have understood you know [TS]

00:59:33 ◼   ► grammatically like what it meant but I [TS]

00:59:35 ◼   ► wouldn't really gotten what that meant [TS]

00:59:36 ◼   ► and that's the difference between that [TS]

00:59:39 ◼   ► kid who's not 21 and doing that for a [TS]

00:59:41 ◼   ► living vs all any range of people who [TS]

00:59:44 ◼   ► are going [TS]

00:59:45 ◼   ► how [TS]

00:59:45 ◼   ► doc I end up there yeah and and at the [TS]

00:59:48 ◼   ► risk of sounding really subtle I think [TS]

00:59:50 ◼   ► this is actually super duper important [TS]

00:59:51 ◼   ► because I mean we all know and this does [TS]

00:59:54 ◼   ► shading some stuff I said in the past [TS]

00:59:55 ◼   ► about acting like you're an artist and [TS]

00:59:57 ◼   ► buying a beret and you know doing all [TS]

00:59:59 ◼   ► the [TS]

00:59:59 ◼   ► the [TS]

01:00:00 ◼   ► affectations that you seeing other [TS]

01:00:01 ◼   ► people do to essentially traced the [TS]

01:00:04 ◼   ► shadows of someone else and imagine that [TS]

01:00:07 ◼   ► that's even close to that what that [TS]

01:00:09 ◼   ► human being is who they are but that's [TS]

01:00:12 ◼   ► what's that's a start and now that i'm [TS]

01:00:13 ◼   ► at the age that I am and know what I [TS]

01:00:15 ◼   ► know that's what blows me away about [TS]

01:00:16 ◼   ► that guy is anybody could go hey I want [TS]

01:00:18 ◼   ► to make I won't have videos be on MTV [TS]

01:00:20 ◼   ► right back in my day or like I i have [TS]

01:00:23 ◼   ► this gut sense that i would be a great [TS]

01:00:25 ◼   ► prog rock drummer and haha on the most [TS]

01:00:28 ◼   ► fundamental level you go with you ever [TS]

01:00:30 ◼   ► played drums and you're like no no but i [TS]

01:00:32 ◼   ► know i'd be really good at it and it's [TS]

01:00:34 ◼   ► like well the first test would be to go [TS]

01:00:36 ◼   ► out and see whether you like playing [TS]

01:00:37 ◼   ► drums [TS]

01:00:38 ◼   ► do you have access to drums is that what [TS]

01:00:39 ◼   ► you would want to do and you certainly [TS]

01:00:41 ◼   ► can see where I'm going with this but if [TS]

01:00:42 ◼   ► we're going a little bit okay well what [TS]

01:00:45 ◼   ► if actually you don't really like [TS]

01:00:47 ◼   ► playing drums [TS]

01:00:48 ◼   ► what if you try playing drums for a [TS]

01:00:50 ◼   ► while and you realize you don't like [TS]

01:00:51 ◼   ► being in a band [TS]

01:00:53 ◼   ► what if you don't like being around [TS]

01:00:54 ◼   ► people in the music industry but these [TS]

01:00:56 ◼   ► are all the kinds of things that will [TS]

01:00:58 ◼   ► never occur to you if you don't try to [TS]

01:00:59 ◼   ► play drums yeah and get it but there's [TS]

01:01:02 ◼   ► another kind of the if there's anything [TS]

01:01:04 ◼   ► that i am I in my head I wish I could [TS]

01:01:05 ◼   ► change about myself from the past that [TS]

01:01:07 ◼   ► it's not notice it's too late now [TS]

01:01:08 ◼   ► because it is still useful to me is that [TS]

01:01:10 ◼   ► idea of like rather than trying to see a [TS]

01:01:13 ◼   ► result of something and emulate that I [TS]

01:01:15 ◼   ► really admire the people who instantly [TS]

01:01:17 ◼   ► understand a process over the product [TS]

01:01:19 ◼   ► and in the case of that guy [TS]

01:01:21 ◼   ► there's something about in that case [TS]

01:01:23 ◼   ► maybe just got lucky but he understood [TS]

01:01:24 ◼   ► there was a big difference between [TS]

01:01:26 ◼   ► arguing with his friends starbucks about [TS]

01:01:27 ◼   ► who'd be a better director versus just [TS]

01:01:29 ◼   ► showing up [TS]

01:01:30 ◼   ► yeah it's starting to do something now [TS]

01:01:32 ◼   ► maybe you get lucky maybe some other [TS]

01:01:33 ◼   ► things he tried it didn't work out but [TS]

01:01:35 ◼   ► that's that's like another that's like [TS]

01:01:37 ◼   ► being able to fly as far as I'm [TS]

01:01:38 ◼   ► concerned to be 21 years old or even [TS]

01:01:40 ◼   ► that is 19 years old and show up [TS]

01:01:42 ◼   ► somewhere and not seem like a total [TS]

01:01:44 ◼   ► thing is you can be able to figure out [TS]

01:01:46 ◼   ► what this job needs well on this and I [TS]

01:01:48 ◼   ► think you can I got myself to it a big [TS]

01:01:51 ◼   ► part of it is he was able to show up at [TS]

01:01:53 ◼   ► that at that video shoot at age 16 17 [TS]

01:01:57 ◼   ► and not seem like a total dingus who and [TS]

01:01:59 ◼   ► that is the thing perhaps that is a [TS]

01:02:01 ◼   ► talent perhaps I lacked whereas i would [TS]

01:02:03 ◼   ► go in wearing choppers carrying a [TS]

01:02:05 ◼   ► folding chair without riding crop me [TS]

01:02:07 ◼   ► shave my head and happy [TS]

01:02:08 ◼   ► one of the girls on the back door where [TS]

01:02:12 ◼   ► do i set this chair because I got to say [TS]

01:02:15 ◼   ► all along the way to change the topic [TS]

01:02:16 ◼   ► but like all along the way the things [TS]

01:02:18 ◼   ► I've tried to nominally succeed at that [TS]

01:02:20 ◼   ► I didn't even fucking understand you [TS]

01:02:22 ◼   ► know to begin with [TS]

01:02:23 ◼   ► I've always been put off by how this [TS]

01:02:26 ◼   ► wasn't how I thought it was going to be [TS]

01:02:27 ◼   ► so yeah I was honestly it was organized [TS]

01:02:31 ◼   ► music things because I was never a good [TS]

01:02:32 ◼   ► team player [TS]

01:02:33 ◼   ► it helps to be a good team player before [TS]

01:02:34 ◼   ► you do anything on a team or it helps to [TS]

01:02:37 ◼   ► be open to the fact that you'll have to [TS]

01:02:38 ◼   ► be part of that team for example so you [TS]

01:02:40 ◼   ► know I I be on the team [TS]

01:02:43 ◼   ► yeah yeah and excited to set aside [TS]

01:02:44 ◼   ► whatever your notion of how this should [TS]

01:02:46 ◼   ► go is if you're not constantly raising [TS]

01:02:48 ◼   ► your hand sanctioned we be seeing Roger [TS]

01:02:49 ◼   ► welcome now you know where the whatever [TS]

01:02:52 ◼   ► your idea is from things you've seen in [TS]

01:02:53 ◼   ► movies and play over in your head again [TS]

01:02:55 ◼   ► and again when i look at the the kids [TS]

01:02:58 ◼   ► that I started out with in high school [TS]

01:03:01 ◼   ► and college the vast majority of them [TS]

01:03:04 ◼   ► knew what they wanted to I think we [TS]

01:03:09 ◼   ► would have said knew what they wanted to [TS]

01:03:10 ◼   ► be rather than knew what they wanted to [TS]

01:03:12 ◼   ► do you know they knew what they wanted [TS]

01:03:14 ◼   ► to be at 15 years old a whole big group [TS]