Ep. 54: "This Is Not YOUR Kennel"

0:00:00[Music]

0:00:07hello I John hi Merlin how are you I'm

0:00:15good

0:00:16yeah are you okay this is a little bit

0:00:19early don't boo me you sound you some

0:00:23faraway so far away you are far away

0:00:25you're in California

0:00:26yeah well you know I don't want to break

0:00:28the fourth wall as they say

0:00:30yeah what happened did you get a new

0:00:32microphone um I no no no

0:00:35same-same microphone i think my uh i

0:00:37think one thing my hearing I mean I'm

0:00:39getting into that like Pete Townsend Bob

0:00:43Mould thing where I yelled tinnitus

0:00:45No No thank God knock on what I don't

0:00:48but I've got I the range of what I can

0:00:51hear is does not include the human voice

0:00:54anymore

0:00:55OIC i think so many towns in my baby

0:00:57time to talk about that that's the thing

0:00:59is when you stand in front of a high

0:01:00watt for well many high watch for that

0:01:02many years it's it's ironic that the

0:01:05range as you know i'm not an audiologist

0:01:08but the range well thank you doing what

0:01:12at the range gets knocked out is very

0:01:14close to the range of human voice yeah I

0:01:19find even more specifically the range

0:01:21that gets knocked out for me is the

0:01:24range of the female human voice it's

0:01:27hard to hear women I wasn't going to say

0:01:29anything but especially when you're

0:01:31alone with them

0:01:32yeah right or they have some things I

0:01:35want to talk about me and the matter

0:01:37they get the harder it is to hear them

0:01:39yeah LOL they're like me can I have that

0:01:41I have a couple of things that I'd like

0:01:44to talk to you about

0:01:45it's like what huh and you have to get

0:01:49it

0:01:50I feel like I've asked you this you

0:01:51don't eat tinnitus you know after years

0:01:54and years of standing in front of not a

0:01:56high watt but uh but other very loud

0:01:58amps i went to a bachelor party a couple

0:02:02years ago did I tell you the story

0:02:03although this is that yeah that's right

0:02:05of course you do you shot the gun

0:02:07shotgun with your thing off a guy shot

0:02:09the gun and I had my headphones often

0:02:10and it was like a I've had I've had a

0:02:14ringing in my ear ever since I forgot

0:02:15this isn't that now again that's an iron

0:02:17inside the irony

0:02:18no not the kind of the kind of hearing

0:02:20loss you get from a gun how does that

0:02:22relate to women doesn't change anything

0:02:24about how you understand the whatever

0:02:27the better gender whatever they want

0:02:28yeah it's definitely definitely inhibits

0:02:31my ability to hear them complain about

0:02:33gun violence you know like that because

0:02:37i'm sitting around as I'm sitting around

0:02:39cleaning my own guns and they're like

0:02:40you should have got to the house you

0:02:42have a small child i'm like i don't know

0:02:43i can hear you mumbling had my dad had

0:02:52bad hearing because of all those years

0:02:53he claimed flying airplanes making the

0:02:58world safe for democracy statement is 45

0:03:01seconds 45 and so he didn't have he had

0:03:04bad hearing he had he had your uh

0:03:06earphone what are those things called

0:03:08hearing aids but also even your memory

0:03:13goes a little bit after a gunshot to the

0:03:15latter deck he could hear my sister

0:03:18couldn't hear my mom he heard me fine

0:03:21but i have i have a voice like a French

0:03:24horn

0:03:25ok gotta put your fist in it haha that's

0:03:32one of the hardest hola

0:03:34that's one of the hardest system is to

0:03:35play you know that French horn you know

0:03:37it's that in my opinion the French horn

0:03:39is the secret weapon of pop music if you

0:03:42put a French horn on a song because yeah

0:03:46I think it was John Entwistle I memory

0:03:49serves one of the first probably John

0:03:50whistle toots whistle and you have to

0:03:53get guests George Martin had a lot to do

0:03:55with that you don't look at actually

0:03:56just bust out of french horn and play it

0:03:58you reading

0:03:59who booked right now or something i'm

0:04:01sorry you know Roger Daltrey was a short

0:04:04man he was

0:04:05I met Roger Daltrey but i think we

0:04:08finally reached the point where

0:04:08repeating its so you came back from

0:04:13Europe and you had trouble with the

0:04:14zipper on your bag and your father

0:04:17uh so you know what it's a joke that is

0:04:20funny i think i do I like I'm imagining

0:04:23like a graph of the various Hertz's

0:04:27or whatever and I do think it is the

0:04:29higher end of the human voice that i

0:04:31have the most trouble with i'm not

0:04:33saying that's just ladies it could be

0:04:34whiny people I sound like a broken

0:04:35clarinet i'm actually what I'm actually

0:04:38seen a graph of my hearing I went to an

0:04:42audiologist and they did a long hearing

0:04:44tests on me and in my right ear

0:04:46there is a there's a dramatic little

0:04:50spike the downward spike right about the

0:04:53right about at the aware of a female

0:04:56voices is pitch wise so you say there is

0:05:00no god but at the same time I also

0:05:04happen to have to deal with a little you

0:05:09know a little cadre of women in my own

0:05:12personal life who are mumblers album now

0:05:15or mumblers and not just mumblers but

0:05:18also like like like sentence Polar's you

0:05:24know they kind of that they like like

0:05:26kill the end of their sentences in order

0:05:29to draw you into their drug draw you

0:05:31into a pic appearing to be more

0:05:33interested in what I need human thing to

0:05:35do you at least two ways first of all

0:05:37you're having trouble hearing whatever

0:05:38they're saying to begin with

0:05:39thank you exactly been as a thinker as a

0:05:42thinker and somebody who demands

0:05:43satisfaction as well as completion route

0:05:46you're going to want to know what was

0:05:48that what was that I just I I almost

0:05:50heard something what was that I don't

0:05:51like mumbling and trailing you had

0:05:53trailing trailing is it's a it's am I I

0:05:57think of it as like a boardroom

0:05:58technique it's a it's like a the it's

0:06:03the it's the think the guy that speaks

0:06:04incredibly quietly in order to to

0:06:07dominate people

0:06:08oh yeah that they say that if you want

0:06:09to make people listen you should speak

0:06:11quietly oh it's the work I mean taken to

0:06:15a point i agree but but but taken to the

0:06:17extreme where you're like this everybody

0:06:20huh that's like that's like 10 you're

0:06:22killing me now that's like one of those

0:06:24like discount dale carnegie techniques

0:06:26you know like some douchebag hears that

0:06:29and I've met a lot of extremely

0:06:30uninteresting people who speak quietly

0:06:32because they think it makes them

0:06:33interesting now somebody who speaks

0:06:36speaks really why I'm learning i speak

0:06:38very loudly that it's i'm not saying

0:06:40that makes

0:06:40me interesting I but I've been wanting

0:06:43to single I you know a lot of people

0:06:44I've met who consider themselves

0:06:45futurists speak very quietly oh right

0:06:48because they are they don't know that

0:06:51there are presuming that other people

0:06:52are gonna go into the future develop

0:06:55some technology to come back into the

0:06:57past to be able to hear what they're so

0:06:59you know that it could be it could be

0:07:01time travelers very complicated issue I

0:07:03i thought well let's not talk about time

0:07:05travel is that such a lovely time travel

0:07:08no but ever since I saw a looper now I

0:07:11realized that when I me but he starts

0:07:12talking about time travel

0:07:14the answer is let's not talk about time

0:07:16probably heard about that that's that's

0:07:17that's a funny way to treat well i just

0:07:19read about 600 pages of a comic that was

0:07:23a long comic arc that was about time

0:07:25travel and my daughter and i have been

0:07:27reading a comic book that involves time

0:07:30travel and it always makes my head hurt

0:07:32paradoxes upon paradoxes yeah burdock

0:07:35and then of course the worst part is

0:07:36there's somebody who can explain it and

0:07:38I just don't want them to explain it i'm

0:07:40not that there never is because it's

0:07:42because he gets it's just the the

0:07:44infinite universes problem whereas

0:07:46lineup that's a big problem Marvel right

0:07:48now is just too many universes many

0:07:49universes there really are too many

0:07:51universes and marble and whatever got my

0:08:00bell here I'm touching it but I'm not

0:08:01doing it

0:08:02Marvel that's good that's pretty good

0:08:04yeah i'm a dilemma census tract laughs

0:08:08now that it's it's early because it's

0:08:11too early i had according to I have a

0:08:13little dingus on my phone that I used to

0:08:15tell me how well i slept according to my

0:08:17data system at its it's a long story

0:08:20short you put it on your bed and it and

0:08:22kind of observes how often you move

0:08:24while you slept

0:08:24which tracks to how deeply you're

0:08:25sleeping and it calculates based on how

0:08:28long you slept and how often you were

0:08:30deeply or not deeply asleep it tells you

0:08:32how high quality sleep was it would be a

0:08:34single number

0:08:35well yeah it's got like an index to give

0:08:37you a cloud score how was like is make

0:08:39like a cloud of 96 last night which is

0:08:41from usually the 60 so I really I killed

0:08:43it last night how high five

0:08:45thank you i went to bed early and my

0:08:47wife let me sleep in a little bit you

0:08:48know what happened i came back from our

0:08:51are our show and I i gotta stress bomb

0:08:53some oh I'm sorry where is it oh it's

0:08:56you know it's actually one of my least

0:08:57favorites it's the upper right upper

0:09:00right lip

0:09:00yeah and this morning I thought I might

0:09:02have one of my nose but then I realized

0:09:04that don't really exist I would I i

0:09:07don't agree i think that stress bumps on

0:09:09the nose her major wisher probably

0:09:11covered that enough that's where stress

0:09:13bumps want to be as on the you stay here

0:09:15is the human side of stress pumps i'm

0:09:17going to just talking about you know

0:09:18having getting kissed by uncle licky and

0:09:20bad girls but it really does when you

0:09:22it'sit's again this is the irony show it

0:09:25is very ironic that when you when you

0:09:29really don't get enough sleep and you're

0:09:31stressed out and you're pushing too hard

0:09:35it's if i do that for more than a couple

0:09:37days mainly the sleep part you know but

0:09:39also maybe the drinking the standout but

0:09:41really it's the sleep if I do that for

0:09:43more than a couple days there's a pretty

0:09:45good chance i'm going to get the stress

0:09:46pump

0:09:47yeah especially when i travel because I

0:09:48think may mean system is you know

0:09:50exposed has it ever occurred to you to

0:09:53grow a beard

0:09:54yes why don't you do it well that's like

0:09:57it having it occurred maybe nine feet

0:09:58tall like I'm just not sure it's not a

0:10:00warehouse uh you know my theory on

0:10:03beards that God gives men the beards

0:10:05that those men deserve

0:10:07oh brother does that ever make sense oh

0:10:09no we made it but it does yeah you wear

0:10:12the beard that you you where the beer

0:10:15that you have not the beer that you want

0:10:17L star runs felt yeah that's that's a

0:10:20really good point and so those guys i

0:10:22can remember the guys in college you

0:10:24really wanted to grow a beard and let's

0:10:26be honest the reason a lot of guys grow

0:10:28a goatee is the only place that the

0:10:29hairs will go

0:10:30that's kind of cheating it if you know

0:10:33what I mean it's like if you really try

0:10:34to grow an actual beard you know what

0:10:36I'm remembering is for this is true for

0:10:38me but it's really true for the guys who

0:10:39stuck with it and we're willing to look

0:10:41stupid for a year

0:10:42yes if you wait long enough you can

0:10:44almost get a beard

0:10:45I think it's true for ladies to if you

0:10:47wait long enough you'll eventually get a

0:10:48beard well in when i was in college my

0:10:51problem is that I had I had one of those

0:10:54spin doctors layne staley beards so she

0:10:58has to say about the Hat

0:11:00the same stick planes daily was the

0:11:03singer of sum of that band them doctors

0:11:09row lens daily was the Seattle grunge

0:11:11truck is alice in chains

0:11:13Thank You Allison change hey that's the

0:11:16job good job and and the spin doctors

0:11:19were that other guy and we both had was

0:11:21just worried that you might know the

0:11:22name of the singer from the spin doctors

0:11:23not a big deal but they both had that

0:11:25that beard which was they had a lot of

0:11:27hair on their on their on the underside

0:11:30of their chin you know like they had a

0:11:31big had a big face peered who but really

0:11:35no mustache they couldn't grow a

0:11:37mustache and this was my problem in

0:11:39college I would I i want a year without

0:11:41shaving and I had an enormous beard but

0:11:45my mustache was like the wispy down on a

0:11:50child's bottom and it was infuriating to

0:11:54me because I wanted you know I wanted to

0:11:58absorb the Greek beard right and I had

0:12:01this this spirit that I just I would set

0:12:05i would sit and stare in the mirror and

0:12:07I would I would ask myself like what if

0:12:09you put mascara in your mustache you

0:12:13think people would notice if you if you

0:12:17bought one of those boxes at the

0:12:18drugstore of dark hair coloring and put

0:12:22it in your in your mustache but if it is

0:12:24not right either right it's yeah that

0:12:26everything about it was wrong it was

0:12:27there was no I could have handed it i

0:12:30could have drawn it on I could have

0:12:31drawn a mustache and with with Penn

0:12:33nothing was going to look right and I

0:12:36and it-it-it taunted me my own beer to

0:12:41talk to me until i was at least 30 years

0:12:42old when I finally felt like okay you

0:12:45know my mustache is finally caught up to

0:12:46the rest of the to the rest of what's

0:12:48going on but I realized in looking back

0:12:50but that is a kind of beard that is what

0:12:55i like to call the young warrior beard

0:12:58hmm which is to say that in all those

0:13:00old sort of Greek like bar relief

0:13:06carvings

0:13:07of warriors like a Phoenician yeah sort

0:13:12of against Sparta right or a Phoenician

0:13:13you know the young warriors all have a

0:13:15lot of lot of neck beard for lack of a

0:13:19better term and not a ton of moustache

0:13:22with the moustache is how you that's

0:13:25because the day because the soldiers are

0:13:26young they are young precisely and the

0:13:29first part of your beard that grows

0:13:30around your job but in any case the the

0:13:35my conclusion was that because as i talk

0:13:37to people I go around the world as you

0:13:39know and people come up to me and they

0:13:41want to talk about beards because i have

0:13:43one and and beards are especially it's

0:13:45kind of like having a harley or a or a

0:13:47great dane yeah exactly like you

0:13:49shouldn't you shouldn't have unless you

0:13:51want to talk about it yeah I already

0:13:52tilted kilt a great date of people who

0:13:54have utility kilts happened event

0:13:56diagram is very heavily if you have is

0:13:58people with utility kilts and people who

0:13:59like to talk about utility belts and the

0:14:01Venn diagram is that one perfect circle

0:14:04yeah yeah I've never been talking about

0:14:05utility kilt it doesn't wear one of the

0:14:07six that isn't excited to tell you all

0:14:09about it but but also excited to tell

0:14:11you about it with a certain amount of

0:14:13smugness you think so i can overthrown

0:14:15and get a brownie vibe from a lot of

0:14:17anyone tell me about the benefits the

0:14:18SNP's well the benefits but there's a

0:14:20little bit of it there's a hottie aspect

0:14:22to someone with the utilikilt works like

0:14:24either

0:14:25I you know like either you know what

0:14:28this is and you're and you're asking me

0:14:32about it because you're teasing me

0:14:34oh right or you don't know what this is

0:14:37in which case we clearly not a member of

0:14:40the tell it was like having a tattoo on

0:14:42your arm in rings mm where you go oh yes

0:14:45i see you recognize that these are ruins

0:14:48but you probably don't know what it says

0:14:49right it says oh so where's the but but

0:14:54but I've realized that that almost every

0:14:56guy when you really give him a given a

0:15:01safe place to talk

0:15:02he's going to express a list of

0:15:05reservations about his own beard haha

0:15:08haha attaching over here and he may not

0:15:11have ever mentally made that list but

0:15:13when pressed like you wasn't rest it's

0:15:15just like you give them a safe place

0:15:17you're like oh you're trying to grow a

0:15:19beard

0:15:19oh I like you're being so it's like at

0:15:21the telling this the Scoutmaster story

0:15:23you go somewhere it's okay to have that

0:15:25conversation here yeah and they're like

0:15:26it comes out i started pouring and here

0:15:28where the mustache doesn't connect to

0:15:30the pro12 is mine that's right touch

0:15:33that's mine

0:15:34there's a hatch over here that doesn't

0:15:35fill in or this or that and everybody

0:15:38has these these really small things

0:15:42about their beard that to them they have

0:15:44amplified to be these like these

0:15:47disgusting Ludacris holes in their beard

0:15:50that that that basically preclude them

0:15:53being able to wear one it's kind of like

0:15:54a hirsute anorexia

0:15:56yeah it is a body dysmorphia dysmorphia

0:15:59I used that word yesterday to talk about

0:16:01George Lucas that's a great word of hair

0:16:03George Lucas has this sense that he has

0:16:06a slim neck all this Congress slim he's

0:16:10like experience like that like he has a

0:16:12bad beard to pay because he thinks I

0:16:15think he honestly thinks that helps his

0:16:16dewlap

0:16:17let's see it's the andrew dice clay

0:16:18problem where andrew dice clay just kept

0:16:21making his sideburns sharper and sharper

0:16:23to accentuate a jawline that was that

0:16:27was coated in a in a developing parka of

0:16:31fat but Georgie what happens I always

0:16:37assume the pointy side burns were some

0:16:39kind of like I want to come back to this

0:16:41whole idea is I think there might be

0:16:42something nearly phrenology like about

0:16:44what we learned from somebody's beer

0:16:46that they can or can't grow but I like

0:16:48date rape cause point es sideburns

0:16:50oh no I think pointy sideburns are

0:16:52certainly in anybody that's over like 35

0:16:56is just like the just like the George

0:16:59Lucas thing he is trying to architect

0:17:01some shape out like a horse perspective

0:17:05right it's like oh no this is where my

0:17:07face ends and my neck begins with a

0:17:10beard think that's people get this soul

0:17:12backward and and I I remember like for

0:17:14example like a lot of times in in high

0:17:17school like when girls are learning how

0:17:18to use makeup they use it like backward

0:17:20it's where they go there they think it's

0:17:22all about building up rather than

0:17:25contrasting and so when I want to wear

0:17:27in high school is really populace

0:17:28there's blue eye makeup it's called Cole

0:17:30like koh l and legos will always brings

0:17:33out my blue-eyes it's like will know

0:17:35what looks you makes you look like a day

0:17:37after hooker like it just makes it just

0:17:39makes you look super weird you're not

0:17:40contrasting that right

0:17:42it's like people you know what I mean

0:17:44like people like George Lucas I think he

0:17:46doesn't realize what he's really doing

0:17:48is saying hey look I gotta do lap down

0:17:49here it's not now in some men sometimes

0:17:52pointing at it rather than then he's

0:17:54creating they were here sign for his

0:17:56dewlap

0:17:56yeah I feel like if George Lucas just

0:17:58let his beard grow down over his

0:18:01bullfrog neck has no chin that's the

0:18:03other problem is he has no chin right

0:18:04but that is that is one of this like the

0:18:07top four reasons guys grow a beard to

0:18:09look like to have a chin

0:18:10yeah did you ever see a picture Jerry

0:18:12Garcia without his beard now know is

0:18:14it's freezing let's think about falling

0:18:16off that foot goes face goes from his

0:18:18nose to his Adam's apple there's nothing

0:18:19in between it's just like that goddamn

0:18:21shame but well it isn't because he

0:18:23discovered that if you grow a big beard

0:18:24you look like Jerry Garcia one of the

0:18:26most iconic rock faces of all time

0:18:29if you say so so there I've known a lot

0:18:32of guys that had no children grow a

0:18:33beard and they were handsome God States

0:18:35oh yes you're absolutely right you're at

0:18:36you know what you're absolutely right i

0:18:38I have a good friend that like Sachin

0:18:40and has a very strategic retreating

0:18:44hairline many he does he does well with

0:18:47both you know he's not he's not doing

0:18:49that truly farcical kind of come forward

0:18:52like it's pretty believable

0:18:54oh he's got a little hairdo you're

0:18:55saying monuments george clooney made the

0:18:57Caesar thing you don't like okay well

0:19:01thank God like we said is on five shows

0:19:02but start guide you can shave your head

0:19:04today

0:19:04yeah i think that is that is the

0:19:06greatest diet is like the gay rights of

0:19:08hair it is so great that's ok now to say

0:19:10you don't want to shave my head may be

0:19:11involved maybe I'm not probably fall but

0:19:13I'm i look really cool now let's honor

0:19:15today not not in person but I saw it on

0:19:17the Internet where he he was bald and he

0:19:20shaved his head and then had stubble

0:19:23tattooed on his head in the in the shape

0:19:27of where we're a full head of hair would

0:19:29be growing and he'll hear it really haha

0:19:34had a lot like John's is pulling it off

0:19:36I'm gonna be looked at it looked pretty

0:19:38tough huh

0:19:40he did but so you're saying your friend

0:19:42with the comb forward

0:19:44yeah as creative as a what what you

0:19:47could unkindly call a weak chin but he

0:19:49looks great you don't think is a hideous

0:19:50freak or anything like that but you know

0:19:53you're onto something extremely

0:19:54interesting here and and we talked about

0:19:56phonology before there's some other

0:19:58things we talked about where she was the

0:20:00other one but we can tell a lot about a

0:20:01person by by by other things they say

0:20:04and do I don't go nuts but but I you

0:20:10know I was it was was it that was your

0:20:12teeth

0:20:13I forget what it was but is one of you

0:20:14you are getting very close your job your

0:20:17job you're like lack of security

0:20:20huh understanding saving for the future

0:20:22but my feeling about a beard is that one

0:20:27of the things that as a student of

0:20:28beards for many years if you if you open

0:20:32up a fashion magazine men's fashion

0:20:35magazine all the models now have beards

0:20:38and a lot of those beards are very

0:20:41patchy like that's kind of a look if not

0:20:46the law in the kind of like young guy pv

0:20:49patchy

0:20:49yeah young guide pew be patchy model

0:20:52beard is a calling all the pdx isn't

0:20:57that kind of important thing before you

0:20:58get the giant beard you know because

0:21:00you're late for 25 and you're playing

0:21:02acoustic guitar being earnest you got

0:21:04have a beard right thing a cheap you

0:21:06beard so you've got that you've got the

0:21:07the sideburns the mustache the chin the

0:21:10soul patch and the cheeks and none of

0:21:13them actually really connect to each

0:21:14other physical acapella cos and this is

0:21:17this is this is in some ways an

0:21:20incredibly fashionable way to wear your

0:21:22beard and also it is a like like blue

0:21:27eyeshadow which blue eyeshadow is meant

0:21:30to mimic the closeness of the blood

0:21:32vessels to the skin that a young girl

0:21:35has true right that's so young people

0:21:38you know their skin is still translucent

0:21:40and you see the you see the blue of

0:21:42their oxygen deprived blood

0:21:45right under their skin and that conveys

0:21:47to us unconsciously youth and vitality

0:21:50did not know that

0:21:51so a little blue eyeshadow is what old

0:21:54older people use to mimic this like this

0:21:59this youthfulness and the same is true

0:22:01with the patchy beard so my contention

0:22:04is that older gentleman or rather i'm

0:22:07not calling you old but rather to say

0:22:09men who have attained their their agency

0:22:13if you are lucky enough to have a youth

0:22:18full patchy beard I would wear it with

0:22:21pride food because those of us who have

0:22:23a beard that goes basically from

0:22:25underneath our eyes to somewhere in a

0:22:29chili which is where my beard ends chili

0:22:35we don't have the option I would have to

0:22:39mhm i would have to go in with two pairs

0:22:41of of scissors and some toenail clippers

0:22:43and a you know in a bottle of bleach to

0:22:45make my beard look patching I see what I

0:22:47i think i understand it looks like a

0:22:49beaver pelts my bird

0:22:51ladies I am I love these gentle bells

0:22:59about you're just reaching out you could

0:23:01you just touching you just like let's

0:23:03like I was appreciating our better show

0:23:05how good your microphone skills are and

0:23:07I think that's important you watch that

0:23:08feist when that face sings that lady's

0:23:10got Mike skills she don't see your house

0:23:12or quiet just a couple of different mics

0:23:15too and she's amazing but I mean I wanna

0:23:17get that way with the bell I don't care

0:23:18if I can't say that matter i just like

0:23:20the idea this Bell being something where

0:23:21I have a little bit of subtlety

0:23:23I like that yeah well and we we

0:23:25perfected at our show the other day the

0:23:27pic clam bell the ponk i like the idea

0:23:36of honest I don't know why this is so

0:23:38interesting to me but you know in our

0:23:40post age of reason age you know we would

0:23:44never look at something like phonology

0:23:45and go like this technology is still

0:23:47around until the late or early 20th

0:23:48century but the idea that there's these

0:23:50things about you know what it was we're

0:23:52talking about stress bumps we're talking

0:23:53about like this says something about you

0:23:54like morally in this online medieval

0:23:56sense

0:23:57and because you know there's no place

0:23:59you can go where a stress bump is going

0:24:01to be accepted know if you go down to

0:24:03the local firehouse

0:24:05yeah wine tastings they're gonna shun

0:24:07you kissing girls even if you even if

0:24:10you go under the embarcadero people are

0:24:13like burning trash in a garbage pail

0:24:15you're like hello my friend they will

0:24:18share they will share their hooch like

0:24:20yeah but you know the idea that it's

0:24:23funny because i have a face I have a

0:24:25when I shave and get a haircut i have a

0:24:27have a pretty classic like guy face i

0:24:31got a big got a big chin i gotta-i gotta

0:24:33ja I do have beady eyes which I'm

0:24:36himself god this is the thing about

0:24:37thank you know you have a handsome miss

0:24:40well I don't know about that but it's

0:24:42funny how like you know there's all

0:24:43kinds of this happened for years and

0:24:44years and years to show people pictures

0:24:46of people like say do you trust them

0:24:48you know would you trust this person and

0:24:49so forth and and I like the idea that

0:24:52the beard you deserve because the beauty

0:24:55deserve you think about is going on the

0:24:57face you got which is in some sense the

0:24:59face that you deserve

0:25:00that's right exactly right so you submit

0:25:03the cigarettes and you start getting a

0:25:04little wrinkly right you I don't get a

0:25:08terminally to choke you and you get

0:25:09particular hemorrhaging in your eyes you

0:25:11know everything that you've time is

0:25:13going to have some kind of an impact on

0:25:14how your face looks well and I think

0:25:16this is that this goes to the dysmorphia

0:25:18of of that we all have I think from we

0:25:21spend a lot more time looking at other

0:25:23people's faces when we do our own with

0:25:25and so we developed this kind of picture

0:25:29of ourselves

0:25:30I EU and I know a guy I've mentioned

0:25:32this before who is a who is a man with

0:25:35the with very distinctive looks but who

0:25:37I've always contended in his mind's eye

0:25:40pictures himself looking like a young

0:25:42Johnny Depp who and so or Morrissey

0:25:46because these were these were faces that

0:25:48he he fixated on and then what would

0:25:52that caused in him was every time he

0:25:54caught a glimpse of himself in that it

0:25:57in the reflection of a style right he

0:26:00would be newly horrified horrified for

0:26:03the first time

0:26:04a each time like that brutal brutal

0:26:07cognitive dissonance

0:26:08yeah that he realizes he's walking down

0:26:10the street is like I am looking like

0:26:12Johnny Depp and then he looks at him

0:26:13somebody goes ah and end it and it was a

0:26:16reinforced it was a constant like

0:26:19reinforcing trauma that get it gave him

0:26:24this kind of the skit the schism in his

0:26:26mind about what what he looked like he

0:26:28he thought he was more hideous than he

0:26:30was another one and then another the

0:26:32solution to that are are easy or or

0:26:36happy because it what do you do I mean

0:26:38there's the John Rocker approach of

0:26:39one's gonna keep staring this goddamn

0:26:41earring so I don't care what I look like

0:26:42I'm guessing over you could say maybe I

0:26:45mean on the other end you could be a

0:26:46little sophisticated simple maybe I have

0:26:48to just accept that I don't look like

0:26:50Johnny Depp or you could just quit

0:26:51catching yourself in years

0:26:53mm well but the problem is we all want

0:26:55to i think we all want to imagine that

0:26:59we are good looking enough you know 444

0:27:03whatever our circumstances are and

0:27:07through it's the rare person it's it's

0:27:11the right person that doesn't think they

0:27:13are almost good-looking enough you know

0:27:15what I mean like yeah it's very rare

0:27:18that people think like I am truly

0:27:19hideous from top to bottom but but where

0:27:21were we always find ourselves wanting

0:27:23just that that extra little push over

0:27:26the over the hump where we would be good

0:27:29looking enough that you know to pass and

0:27:32the reality is we're all good minutes

0:27:35this is the this is the classic thing

0:27:36that you hear from people all the time

0:27:37when they get to be in their thirties

0:27:38and forties and they they look back at

0:27:41their youth and they say I thought I was

0:27:43so disgusting when I was 18 and now I

0:27:46look at every 18 year old and they're

0:27:48all beautiful

0:27:49yeah like it's just being 18 is just use

0:27:52your intrinsically you gotta really get

0:27:54to about that a few weeks ago that that

0:27:56I liked a lot and others about how you

0:27:58look or weight or something like that

0:27:59that it is absolutely true that's why

0:28:01it's one reason teenagers are so

0:28:03insufferable you know it's like you know

0:28:05the age you know youth being wasted on

0:28:08the young kind of thing but but you're

0:28:10absolutely right because and we're

0:28:11obsessing over a different thing at that

0:28:12point right

0:28:13our always seeing is our our seeing is

0:28:15our deficits which are in restaurants

0:28:17respect

0:28:18should be fairly minor when you don't

0:28:20see that you have things like energy

0:28:22right and you haven't been broken yet

0:28:25right well and I think I feel like the

0:28:27same is true of being 40 years old I

0:28:29mean at 40 years old

0:28:31you can as you say study the study the

0:28:34way a person has lived by seeing their

0:28:36cigarette lines and there and the beat

0:28:40of the way that they're evil has

0:28:42manifested itself on their face and

0:28:45their gnarled knuckles and in my hand my

0:28:49case the fact that they're chewy wallet

0:28:52all the all the teeth that they got

0:28:54knocked out when you were a young person

0:28:56fighting in bars started all that starts

0:29:01to come home to roost but in fact being

0:29:03being 40

0:29:04I mean that is the dare i say that the

0:29:07prime of life who and when you look when

0:29:11you look at a picture when you when you

0:29:12when you read an obituary of somebody or

0:29:14you're reading their autobiography the

0:29:16picture of them at 40 years old is the

0:29:20picture of them

0:29:21yeah you know like there's there there

0:29:24are the pictures of them when they're

0:29:25young and the pictures of them when they

0:29:26were old but the picture of them that

0:29:28rep you know how they are who they were

0:29:31it was always you know when they were 40

0:29:33or 50 i think you're right i was i was

0:29:35reading I my knowledge of Leonard Cohen

0:29:40is really spotty so i was learning a

0:29:41little bit about letter con last night

0:29:43and I was looking the pictures of him

0:29:45when he was younger really weird-looking

0:29:46yeah he seems so different from the

0:29:48pictures of like what i said and now

0:29:50it's old now like he's an old guy now

0:29:52but you're right the pictures of him

0:29:53like in the like the mid to late

0:29:55seventies or whatever or like like

0:29:57that's what he looks like

0:29:58yeah that's him Paul Simon you know

0:30:00actually cause I was always liked where

0:30:02there's never been a time Paul is

0:30:03possibly did look a little weird

0:30:05also I'm is a little strange isn't it

0:30:06yeah he's a he's yeah i mean i kind of

0:30:09most admire the bridge over troubled

0:30:11water let's just let this hair go crazy

0:30:13part but it always weird when somebody's

0:30:15enough to make it all about baldness

0:30:17always wear to me with somebody called

0:30:18for a while then they stopped be

0:30:19involved

0:30:20hmm you know what I mean there's that

0:30:22time we're like okay I'm a guy is going

0:30:24bald might try a couple tricks and then

0:30:26suddenly like you got hair but let's

0:30:28pictures of Paul Simon like on Saturday

0:30:30Night Live we had

0:30:31like no hair no hair and suddenly he's

0:30:33got here he's doing he's doing a pretty

0:30:35pretty profound comb-over come forward

0:30:37and a lot of those I think you look at

0:30:39you look at elton john i was thinking

0:30:41about this the other day I saw a picture

0:30:42of Elton John in them in a magazine and

0:30:46Elton John's John is an age now where

0:30:49his face is really starting to go and

0:30:52and i was looking at this picture of him

0:30:54and I was like oh he is starting to look

0:30:56like Queen Elizabeth you know there's a

0:31:00certain kind of certain sort of man that

0:31:03as he gets older he just starts to look

0:31:04like a matron you know we started like

0:31:06the Queen Mother even x except that he

0:31:10has this he has this hair its little

0:31:14furry friend up there it has this hair

0:31:16that's like the sort of the wispy like

0:31:20red hair that uh that I you know on a

0:31:23young Irish lad would have and so I'm

0:31:26looking at this picture and I'm erasing

0:31:27the hair in my mind and realizing what

0:31:31Elton John actually looks like it's like

0:31:32Judi Dench he he he he does look like

0:31:37Judi Dench he looks like a ball judi

0:31:39dench anyway he's a beauty a remarkably

0:31:40different looking person if he had just

0:31:42let himself go polled and I think maybe

0:31:45less of a pop star you know he is we

0:31:50have all accepted his hair for the most

0:31:53part and it it is it's camouflaging a

0:31:56multitude of sense you know that you

0:31:58know the poker player daniel negreanu I

0:32:01think I think I think you mentioned him

0:32:03yeah he's a Canadian poker player I up

0:32:06for a long time I want one before I

0:32:08eliminated cable TV from my life I used

0:32:10to watch hours and hours of televised

0:32:12poker

0:32:13I don't know why I honestly don't know

0:32:15why but i would watch it for hours and

0:32:18of all but most poker players i have to

0:32:20say when you watch them on TV for very

0:32:24long

0:32:25you realize like these are terrible

0:32:26people these are people these are people

0:32:29who would be if they were not

0:32:31millionaires from this game they would

0:32:33be sleeping on a on a twin size mattress

0:32:36with no sheets and they would be just

0:32:39just pulling a blanket of dander over

0:32:41there

0:32:42the winter chill off but now they're

0:32:45millionaires and there they haven't done

0:32:47anything different insurance i'm sure

0:32:49that that a lot of these poker guys they

0:32:51have they have one or two changes of

0:32:52underwear like they're just

0:32:54reprehensible but daniel negreanu is

0:32:56this guy from Canada who is kind of it

0:32:59he is e he wears his hair he's balding

0:33:04guy but he wears his hair pushed forward

0:33:06like a in this Greek it

0:33:10greek-style out here and uh over the

0:33:13years as he's as he's gotten more famous

0:33:15and has made more money

0:33:17I've watched him go from originally

0:33:21he would just comb his hair straight

0:33:22forward and then cut it off at his

0:33:23eyebrows but he's he has developed a

0:33:26style because he's obviously paying

0:33:28people to to style his hair now anyway

0:33:31he's my favorite this is this looks very

0:33:32this is one of those things that like a

0:33:34look at beautiful pastry that was

0:33:37probably very complicated given what the

0:33:39results look like this looks like a lot

0:33:41of work with because he eats if I'm

0:33:43looking at what you're talking about

0:33:44he's obviously a bald man who's doing

0:33:46things with his hair

0:33:47let's start there and he's got its kind

0:33:49of wispy but it's kind of like a fun

0:33:52youthful tousled look exactly fun and

0:33:54youthful skype later my wife calls this

0:33:57the hips to come forward

0:33:58yep we have a mutual friend has one of

0:34:00these and that it's a look

0:34:02it's a look yeah and I get the fact i

0:34:04get the sense also that he spends a lot

0:34:05of time in Montreal even saying so

0:34:08you're going to get a lot of it

0:34:10your hair is going to Montreal is a

0:34:13place like let's just start with France

0:34:16who there are a lot of things you can do

0:34:18in France that you can't do anywhere

0:34:19else in the world doesn't age as well

0:34:22yeah and be a guy be a 40-year old guy

0:34:24who dresses like a a a like a what am I

0:34:29trying to say like a butt plug

0:34:35I if you take that if you take that and

0:34:38you translate it to Canada and you put

0:34:41it through the Canadian filter where

0:34:43everybody in Canada looks like they are

0:34:45an extra from an early episode 21 Jump

0:34:47Street

0:34:49Montreal is the place I think in north

0:34:52america with all night really was more

0:34:53French than France like hyper french art

0:34:56thing they they're so but well they're

0:35:00like AI think they're just of their

0:35:01permit angry and they're mad they're mad

0:35:03at everybody including themselves

0:35:05yeah that montreal that Montreal is mad

0:35:07there are places in in Quebec and even

0:35:11Northern Ontario where they speak french

0:35:12were there much matter then in Montreal

0:35:16they're mad at montreal for not being

0:35:18true enough wow it in the end of in the

0:35:22francophone world i think there is a

0:35:24sense of as you move away from Paris

0:35:26people set people get madder and madder

0:35:30about how about how untrue you are and

0:35:35and quebec city is mad at montreal

0:35:38quebec city feels like Montreal abandon

0:35:39them but there are places in Northern

0:35:41Ontario which is not so they're outside

0:35:46of Quebec but they are french-speaking

0:35:47towns and they're just so mad

0:35:50they're mad at their mad and everybody

0:35:52because they hum what the night was

0:35:55we're looking for Dave watered-down the

0:35:59language and culture by allowing

0:36:00anything and it's not super French no I

0:36:02think it's more that they feel that they

0:36:04were they were a bit in canada the

0:36:07French feel that they were abandoned by

0:36:09France to the uncertain fate of first

0:36:14England and then canada and so you know

0:36:18the the motto of Quebec is Jim suvi ends

0:36:23I I will not forget my room I i will

0:36:28remember i guess that i think it

0:36:30translates roughly as how I'll remember

0:36:32yeah right and-and-and-and really really

0:36:35I feel like it translates as we will

0:36:38never forget how you fucked us

0:36:41and it just moves you know they're there

0:36:43madd canada because they don't feel part

0:36:46of Canada there Superman America because

0:36:48we are just the worst but they're also

0:36:50mad at France because France abandon

0:36:52them and their man at the they're mad at

0:36:54the people down the block who have

0:36:57english signs out in front of theirs to

0:36:59let alone the entire world that size

0:37:01them all this problem please the world

0:37:03the so sacre bleu

0:37:07so anyway the but-but-but-but part of

0:37:10that I think the two places in North

0:37:12America where you're going to find the

0:37:13worst men's fashion or not worst but but

0:37:17opportunities for men to dress in ways

0:37:21like for instance with hyper distressed

0:37:24jeans better than also be dazzled you're

0:37:28going to find that in Mexico City and

0:37:30yes just related that the canada is the

0:37:33is like the pilot for 21 Jump Street

0:37:36yeah basically yeah where the where the

0:37:39fashions are our what a Hollywood set

0:37:42designer in the eighties imagined

0:37:44gangbangers war you know like people are

0:37:49like oh yeah this is edgy and cool and

0:37:51groovy and hip like a lot of gangbangers

0:37:53are going to be wearing Mohawks right am

0:37:56i right that's what gang bangers do they

0:37:57wear Mohawks right okay i can the

0:38:00Terminator kind of but a lot of these

0:38:02are but a lot of these actors you know

0:38:03they have another gig later on in the

0:38:05day so we can't give a mohawk so we're

0:38:07going to give my fauxhawk with gel so

0:38:11they can comb it out and go do the do

0:38:13one life to live before the neighboring

0:38:16soundstage so it's all this kind of like

0:38:19punky edgy but the book but but mostly

0:38:23crafted with gel and bleach it's very

0:38:27funny

0:38:28I don't I don't I don't just like it I

0:38:30don't despise that I think it's I think

0:38:31that it's there it's like hard to the

0:38:32Caribbean the keynote day on the ground

0:38:34you is his Canadian yes and I'm trying

0:38:38to I'm doing everything I can to learn

0:38:40everything I can about him just from the

0:38:42google image search

0:38:43he doesn't have he doesn't have much of

0:38:45a chance honestly now he was he wears

0:38:47headphones and it looks like he's

0:38:49getting a massage maybe while he's

0:38:50playing

0:38:51he's wearing the same baseball hats

0:38:53advertising something did these guys

0:38:54were these guys like Nascar looks like

0:38:56they were a lot of things with little

0:38:58ads and logos on yeah they figured out

0:39:00pretty pretty fast that they were on TV

0:39:02and they could make extra cash by

0:39:06putting pokerstars.net on their hat what

0:39:08is spoken by should just go to the

0:39:10internet and find out people people play

0:39:12poker on the internet for for real money

0:39:16um I had a friend i have a friend who

0:39:19decided that he was that this was his

0:39:21job he was gonna be a poker internet

0:39:23poker player and he'd be playing 25

0:39:26hands at a time and it becomes a traders

0:39:29like this guy's you just suddenly decide

0:39:31they're kinda seems like easy money

0:39:33yeah and and and ultimately i think when

0:39:35you're playing twenty hands of poker at

0:39:37a time

0:39:38you're not invested in anyone of a man

0:39:39becomes kind of like playing solitaire

0:39:41you're just you're just a you taught

0:39:45yourself kind of the odds of all the

0:39:47different hands and you're just playing

0:39:49the odds and over the course of a whole

0:39:52day of doing that you're up you're up by

0:39:55fifteen percent or something and that's

0:39:57it consists of how did you did he add he

0:40:00makes them go off it

0:40:01I don't think he's still doing it

0:40:03frankly because I think a lot of those a

0:40:05lot of them are like 25 cent games I

0:40:07don't think gambling would still be

0:40:08around if it was that easy to win

0:40:10hmm interesting theory well blackjack is

0:40:14the only game poker poker is an outlier

0:40:16because it has a human factor unlike any

0:40:19other game but i guess i'll be back

0:40:21around I don't know but I mean blackjack

0:40:23is the only game where you have even a

0:40:24as i understand it have even the

0:40:26slightest chance of winning against the

0:40:27house my senses Bacharach is the is the

0:40:30one where the odds are best in your

0:40:32favor is that right yeah because there's

0:40:35because there's a i have stood around

0:40:38many baccarat tables and and you know

0:40:44elbow the person next to me and gone

0:40:45what what what is that what what the

0:40:48hell is happening and athletes baffling

0:40:49to me and they go well see this line

0:40:51over here you can bet against the

0:40:53earlier bet and that line over there you

0:40:57push the push the

0:40:59push the BET to the next bed and then

0:41:02that's how you beat the odds because

0:41:03ultimately no then then you have 51

0:41:05percent chance of earning something I've

0:41:08had it explained to me a dozen times

0:41:09I've stood next to a baccarat dealer and

0:41:12asked her as she's you know as she's

0:41:14doing it and she's rolling the dice

0:41:16whatever tell me what you're doing

0:41:17explain what's happening and she's like

0:41:19here's how it goes it's really simple

0:41:20fifth and then she explains some you

0:41:25know 15 paragraphs of up of like a space

0:41:30math and i'm not going I don't know what

0:41:34that was i'm not going to throw my money

0:41:35down on a table where I don't understand

0:41:39that's how that's probably a pretty good

0:41:41ruling gambling if you if you don't

0:41:43understand how money is made and lost

0:41:46you're better off not to bet here's me

0:41:47at a casino I walk into and this is why

0:41:49I hate Las Vegas yeah I walk into a

0:41:51casino thing doing meaning all kyon ki

0:41:56see it's all happening already

0:41:58I'm like uh-huh okay i don't want to sit

0:42:01over there those people don't look

0:42:02interesting that guy's disgusting the

0:42:05village and I end up over at the at the

0:42:08the slot machines the one-armed bandits

0:42:12and I go well I'm here I might as well

0:42:14you know and I put five dollars in and

0:42:18it goes boom me up and it gives me

0:42:21someone number of credits and I pull the

0:42:23arm until those are gone and i'm like

0:42:27done that's it

0:42:28I I spent five dollars and I feel even

0:42:30that I didn't get my money's worth and

0:42:34then I just sit and watch people smoke

0:42:36you know and in fact i have i have a

0:42:38pretty good time in casinos because I

0:42:39have a pretty good time until i see that

0:42:42little old lady with the oxygen tank and

0:42:45the and the right popcorn bucket full of

0:42:48quarters plugging them into one of those

0:42:50things and I'm and then and my heart

0:42:53sinks down into my stomach and I'm like

0:42:55not have to go now I did a gig in reno a

0:42:57couple years ago and then I got there is

0:43:00it you know RINO's even Reno

0:43:03yeah you don't think it's not just one

0:43:05big assistant

0:43:07yeah well I got there early and I check

0:43:09button you finally get actually I'm

0:43:11sorry to get back had to wait to check

0:43:12into my room because i'm fucking

0:43:13military event was there and motorcycle

0:43:15races and all those assholes now well

0:43:18like it yeah they hadn't planned well

0:43:19for it so there's a lot of movie people

0:43:21in line waiting for the roses circus

0:43:23circus

0:43:24no no this was a tennis anus i think was

0:43:26the name of us

0:43:27oh yeah it'sit's off-strip the odds are

0:43:29a little better there who doesn't get in

0:43:31the hole and and so I was I had some

0:43:33time to kill someone all I can go over

0:43:34here and go to this bar area i'll play a

0:43:37little bit of blackjack and I can I can

0:43:39smoke here so i'll go and I will smoke

0:43:40while I'm waiting for my room and I'll

0:43:41have a drink

0:43:42this will be fun you know I said okay

0:43:45this is good you had it in you travel

0:43:47and you know easy when you kind of

0:43:49arrived much you through all the main

0:43:52part of travel it's kind of nice to just

0:43:53relax and be where you are and I was

0:43:55like okay this is great i'm gonna get

0:43:56into this i'm not gonna be me

0:43:57I'm not gonna be all stand back and look

0:43:59at it from a removal guy and just be

0:44:01here and talk to people and hanging out

0:44:02and and it wasn't long before I saw this

0:44:06is you know I think probably late

0:44:08morning and i saw a woman they're doing

0:44:11slots while she rocked a baby seat with

0:44:15her right foot blue so get her baby was

0:44:18there she was on like one of those

0:44:19stools and she's with the right foot

0:44:22she's pulling into the right foot she's

0:44:23like rocking a baby in a little Marcy do

0:44:27yeah I am through from ya i dont time

0:44:32did the thing is these guys these

0:44:34gambling guys they just think they look

0:44:36they look like terrible terrible people

0:44:38let's get headphones are you allowed to

0:44:39wear headphones while you're playing

0:44:40poker I think so i think you can do

0:44:43whatever you want because it's a because

0:44:44while West but but i might what I like

0:44:48about Daniel grant McGraw know is that

0:44:49he he has developed his it is developed

0:44:54his talent to the to the point that he

0:44:56can this is one of his tricks he'll go

0:44:59around the table and he'll tell

0:45:00everybody what their hand is and he's

0:45:03remarkable oh it's a whole nother level

0:45:06of bluffing

0:45:07yeah you it's remarkable how close he

0:45:09can get because he knows he knows the

0:45:12cards that have been dealt and he just

0:45:14he looks at your face he knows how your

0:45:16act

0:45:16bring any he what they call puts you on

0:45:20a certain hand and I imagine playing

0:45:23cards against this guy

0:45:25there's nothing illegal about it there's

0:45:27nothing illegal about him saying I bet

0:45:29you got a king queen don't you and

0:45:31you're sitting there with holding a king

0:45:32queen imagine trying to play poker

0:45:36against that but I say is like two

0:45:38levels of blessings on the one hand you

0:45:40know it isn't like you're being provoked

0:45:41because you can you can sit there with

0:45:43your stupid d sunglasses on and stare

0:45:46but when somebody says that to you it's

0:45:48going to be hard not to have some kind

0:45:49of reaction right and and so dead so

0:45:51daniel negreanu could have a 24 offsuit

0:45:54content but you've got a king queen

0:45:56don't you all in and then you're like he

0:45:58knows what cards i have and he's going

0:46:00all-in he must he must have two aces or

0:46:04whatever and then it turns out he he

0:46:07didn't know what you had and he was

0:46:08bluffing and you're just like so and he

0:46:11does it with a kind of Mary he's jesus i

0:46:13think he's a small man i can't tell for

0:46:15sure but he strikes me as a smaller guy

0:46:17and he he just I don't know he says he

0:46:20looks like amongst these guys he looks

0:46:22like a nice fella he's a little bit of a

0:46:24leprechaun I follow him on twitter and I

0:46:28don't know it's one of those funny

0:46:29things where there aren't many

0:46:31celebrities that I said I care about or

0:46:34try to attract their attention but i

0:46:36have replied to daniel negreanu tweets

0:46:39on a set on several occasions hoping

0:46:42that he will reply interesting and i

0:46:47don't know why i don't know why i care

0:46:49about this guy have seen him on TV i

0:46:50watch them play poker

0:46:52I feel like his mind is working a

0:46:54certain way that it is not akin to my

0:46:56night it's not a he's he's not a guy

0:46:59would maybe even naturally be friends

0:47:01with money is my money on the internet

0:47:04so silly

0:47:09the internet yeah i'm sorry i'm online i

0:47:14have to admit I'm a little bit off my

0:47:15game because now I'm consumed in these

0:47:16pictures of poker players I've been like

0:47:18at somebody's house you know it is you

0:47:20go to somebody's house and they got the

0:47:22TV on

0:47:23mm I don't know what this video plastic

0:47:26on their cultures they are not back in

0:47:29Ohio

0:47:29everybody did that but when I was a kid

0:47:31you just wouldn't have the TV on when

0:47:32somebody came over right now if it's the

0:47:35babysitter or something and you've got

0:47:36that as like establish TV time that's

0:47:38actually kind of a good transitional

0:47:40thing but you go to somebody's house to

0:47:41get the TV on you know you can't really

0:47:44say we did not have the TV on the TV is

0:47:48going to be honest and the TV is this is

0:47:50the evening and sometimes people you

0:47:52know talking about em and and and it'll

0:47:55be something poker and I just I i watch

0:47:58people watching poker and I'm like the

0:48:00joke is to be like watching glitch

0:48:01people watching darts you can I think

0:48:03I'd rather watch darts easy i don't i

0:48:05want all these people who died in a fire

0:48:07I don't want any of them to win they

0:48:08just are awful people starts at least a

0:48:11sport it's absolutely a sport

0:48:13yeah well I'm a guy that if I walk into

0:48:16a restaurant let's say in an airport or

0:48:18anywhere

0:48:19yeah where there's a TV on and there's

0:48:21no one in the bar

0:48:23I just walk around and turn them off

0:48:25yeah that is right back the other day

0:48:27we're right under that the TV and it was

0:48:30like CNN just blaring of course

0:48:32yeah i mean if if I can turn them off

0:48:35there are some airports now where the

0:48:37tvs are it not in the bar but they're

0:48:39just throughout the airport absolutely

0:48:41every gate

0:48:43yeah and the TV just blaring CNN like

0:48:45you're saying and oh my god I can't

0:48:47think of a worse thing I'm similar Seto

0:48:49scared of men are scared to be alone

0:48:52this is scared to feel alone Diamond

0:48:54Dogs demon dogs

0:48:56here's the other thing back around like

0:48:57I as a point when I was looking at james

0:48:59bond movies and I thought I should learn

0:49:00more about background I tried to read

0:49:02the wikipedia page i thought this has

0:49:03got to be the most confusing thing I've

0:49:05ever heard in my life

0:49:06now I know you're not at the stage quite

0:49:08yet but i want to plant a seed I want to

0:49:11hear how it goes when you wear your

0:49:13little daughter start doing stuff I want

0:49:16to I want to hear you how it goes when

0:49:17you try to explain baseball

0:49:19oh this with a baseball field right by

0:49:22our house and we went out to watch

0:49:23baseball and I don't like to be like

0:49:24explaining dad that big truck is

0:49:27carrying dirt for making the road where

0:49:29people who cares about were sitting

0:49:30there watching and subscribe to be

0:49:32dinner plate is in the sky that big

0:49:36truck is carrying tar for the road

0:49:38that toner is made out of a cool

0:49:41distillate look over there do you see

0:49:45that man he's my pole you know how trees

0:49:49grow woman oh you doesn't it seem a

0:49:51little bit more a little bit warmer you

0:49:53wearing a trench coat but you were

0:49:54explaining to her well she's in there

0:49:56and there's like a baseball game go on a

0:49:57really terrible baseball game i think

0:49:59only terrible teams play at our park for

0:50:01sitting there watching them in there we

0:50:03know walking around and I i don't i

0:50:07don't want to be explained things

0:50:08stupidly to my daughter went dumb things

0:50:10down but I tried to explain baseball and

0:50:12every for everything that I could

0:50:14explain it required either more

0:50:17explanation

0:50:18yeah and or something that contravenes

0:50:22what I just said

0:50:23right right right so there's these 90

0:50:25America's game america's pastime

0:50:28there's nine there's nine people out

0:50:29there and that guy's going to come with

0:50:30the bat and so that got pictures gonna

0:50:32throw the ball and try to hit it easy

0:50:34enough

0:50:34okay well if he hits it he has to go

0:50:36around all the bases right i don't think

0:50:38most baseball fans would would describe

0:50:40that as an obligation

0:50:41although I guess it is this is delicious

0:50:43has to have to he gets to he has wait a

0:50:47minute you're saying he had the

0:50:48opportunity to run the bases you don't

0:50:50have to do anything he doesn't want to

0:50:52he doesn't have to but you choose to

0:50:54play different positions if you want to

0:50:55in baseball

0:50:56it seems like it's got a lot of rules

0:50:58for example they got they got all the

0:50:59different positions you get first

0:51:00outfield you know left have different

0:51:03talents so first baseman and other

0:51:05obstacles just this i know i just i

0:51:07think you can have to stand in a certain

0:51:08place and stuff and try to explain and

0:51:10so they throw the ball and if he but I

0:51:14mean how do you explain a foul ball with

0:51:16a full count

0:51:17mmm those a strike but it wasn't a

0:51:20strike right

0:51:21ok so that was a strike we'll wait and

0:51:22swing at it as well rules

0:51:25wait wait wait that's wait hang on a

0:51:26minute so there's three balls and I'm

0:51:28speaking for my daughter who ya this

0:51:30point not be able to take it and

0:51:31understand any of this

0:51:33so there is why this is why I didn't

0:51:35fully understand baseball until I was 32

0:51:37it's incredibly complicated if you

0:51:39really think about it but I have the

0:51:40advantage for for several years they're

0:51:42going to baseball games with our good

0:51:44friends Jason Finn and then other times

0:51:47with ben gibbard and both of these guys

0:51:49are super baseball thing

0:51:51Alice adjacent to Jason Jason used to

0:51:54score the game's he would he would do

0:51:56that thing that old men to make it a

0:51:58piece of paper and a piece of been

0:51:59offensive and you'd score these fucking

0:52:01games and he would explain everything

0:52:03that was happening as it was happening

0:52:04and it was like me sitting at a

0:52:06background table

0:52:07I'm like well not now i will now what's

0:52:10a balk and he's like well here's the

0:52:13thing about a balk hardly ever happens

0:52:15but that about and he would explain what

0:52:17a balk was and I had to see like 13

0:52:20balks before I kind of got got it you

0:52:25know like infield fly rule and all these

0:52:27things he also says that Erica but but

0:52:31but also I you know what these guys

0:52:35communicated to me it was through their

0:52:36love of baseball Bob bends and jason

0:52:39said that they love baseball in

0:52:40different ways but you know they they

0:52:42they communicated the kind of like Greek

0:52:46drama that baseball is and made me

0:52:48understand that you really don't

0:52:50understand the game you can't appreciate

0:52:52the game unless you're also really

0:52:55following the players stories you know

0:52:57these guys would come up to bat and I'm

0:52:59thinking he's going to hit some

0:53:01baseballs thrown at him and then one of

0:53:03them is going to either hit or not and

0:53:05Jason's like not this guy got called up

0:53:07from the minors after 15 years of

0:53:09playing triple-a ball and for the new

0:53:11zealand you know ocelots and and this is

0:53:16a real Cinderella story and I'm like

0:53:18cinderella story right I hear that a lot

0:53:20what does that mean he's like yeah this

0:53:22is amazing this guy here boy here you

0:53:25know he had some injuries last season

0:53:27and so all that all that extra material

0:53:30that they're bringing into the into

0:53:32every game where they know the narrative

0:53:34of each one of these players right and

0:53:36they're bringing that that you know

0:53:38they're bringing those narratives into

0:53:39it and and all of a sudden you feel like

0:53:41oh it's the freaking Iliad to these

0:53:44people

0:53:45it's like you know here come here you're

0:53:48here comes this guy who's from like he's

0:53:52a guy who used to play for the opposing

0:53:55team and he's coming up and he's back

0:53:56home for the first time for sure here's

0:53:59a guy that got drafted right out of high

0:54:01school and and and I see there are other

0:54:04coaches getting

0:54:05old and this might be his last you know

0:54:07season stuff like that right or this you

0:54:10know this picture this is a pitching

0:54:12duel and end you and your eat you

0:54:13realize like how they are seeing this as

0:54:16a clash of titans like the Etruscans

0:54:19against the Phoenicians like it isn't it

0:54:22isn't just a bunch of dumb overpaid fat

0:54:24kids out there running around running

0:54:27around a field that's like this is this

0:54:30its all full it's all laced with

0:54:32metaphor for a true fan over uh and and

0:54:37I'm not interested in things I wish I

0:54:40could i I totally intellectually

0:54:41understand that i feel that way with

0:54:43comics but you know and and things like

0:54:46TV shows i've gotten into but it's I

0:54:49can't get past the fact that you guys

0:54:50think that nothing is not the fatter the

0:54:52rich it's just it's just it's so I just

0:54:55I just cannot get into it and I know you

0:54:57don't want to begrudge people liking it

0:54:59but i begrudge how much it is forced

0:55:01down my throat all the time it drives me

0:55:02crazy

0:55:03it made me realize that the in my

0:55:05private moments walking around the city

0:55:07the things that I am enjoying about but

0:55:11you know my little private narratives

0:55:14are also kind of laced with metaphor and

0:55:18full of full of metadata that other

0:55:22people don't have access to and you know

0:55:24I'm walking around I'm like oh this is

0:55:26like the other day I was in an airport

0:55:27and it was just I'm just navigating an

0:55:31airport which I've done a million times

0:55:33and it's late at night on the only

0:55:34person there and I wasn't trying to make

0:55:38it fun for myself I just started I just

0:55:42started having a spy adventure in the

0:55:45airport by myself because I don't know

0:55:47why because there is no like I'm in the

0:55:50airport and a couple of I walk through a

0:55:52couple of pneumatic doors and all of a

0:55:54sudden I'm all of a sudden I'm trying to

0:55:57lose a tail and all of a sudden i am you

0:56:02know trying to get some microfiche with

0:56:04something something chips off your

0:56:05spidey sense and even jokey spidey-sense

0:56:07you go oh here we go and what I'm having

0:56:09and then I'm having fun and I'm and I'm

0:56:11seeing I'm seeing all all the it in all

0:56:15the airport hieroglyphics I'm seeing all

0:56:17this other

0:56:18for information and I'm and I'm

0:56:20remembering you know the great the Great

0:56:23espionage stories that kind of make up a

0:56:26part of my imagination and I'm passing

0:56:30the time I guess consuming because

0:56:32aren't you also you're looking for means

0:56:33if it grass you're looking for who you

0:56:35can count on the ball you always you

0:56:37when you're at the terminal you're

0:56:38figuring out who you're going to take it

0:56:39out and you might be able to get on your

0:56:40side

0:56:41well i'm thinking like okay there's the

0:56:43security door watching the watching the

0:56:45janitor come and slide his little card

0:56:48and the door opens and I realized that

0:56:50is the way I'm gonna have to get out of

0:56:52here and I so I'm gonna take that

0:56:54janitor down and can i yes handoff and I

0:56:57never mind one of those uh you know

0:56:59cybernetic things and that is that is

0:57:02essentially I guess what people are

0:57:03doing when they watch baseball

0:57:05it's just they're not there they're

0:57:07imagination is engaged in a different

0:57:10way they have a different paper a

0:57:11different set of the different a

0:57:14different group of material is going

0:57:16into the function machine and that's

0:57:18coming out the other side has a

0:57:20different at different shapes sausage

0:57:23links but really they're just using

0:57:25their mind to pass pass the time since

0:57:28the game is the game that's happening on

0:57:30the field but there's another kind of

0:57:32game that's happening in somebody's head

0:57:33yesterday I watched 12 pitch ins

0:57:36fighting over some bread and I pick a

0:57:38side like I want that guy to win right

0:57:40right and I turned on the world series

0:57:43the other day and I don't care about

0:57:45Detroit or San Francisco frankly as a

0:57:47penance for sports teams go

0:57:49I love them both is six the argument

0:57:51here I'll get but ah but I i'm watching

0:57:54and i'm like okay i'm rooting for

0:57:56Detroit because I feel like Detroit is

0:57:57the perennial underdog in everything and

0:58:00then there's a the matter the San

0:58:03Francisco guys have a story there was a

0:58:06guidance from on the San Francisco team

0:58:09that literally had spent his entire

0:58:11baseball career in the minors and had

0:58:14just gotten called up last year as an

0:58:18old guy and now he's pitching in the

0:58:21world series one year later after how

0:58:23the story he's like yeah it's a internet

0:58:26it's an incredible cinderella store and

0:58:29so i'm watching this thing and every

0:58:30time somebody comes up to bat I'm like

0:58:31well i hope this

0:58:32I wins and I'm the worst sports fan in

0:58:35the world I'm like I'm like I'm like

0:58:37somebody's girlfriend i hope this guy

0:58:38wins I like his hair like their hats

0:58:41I hope it's definitely like that with

0:58:42the Olympics you know they're always

0:58:44trying to insert all this like oh you

0:58:46know drove her at 5am yeah swim practice

0:58:49every morning

0:58:50yeah and a lot of those lot of those

0:58:52Olympic montages what I come away from

0:58:55it with his like oh you know what

0:58:58terrible parents

0:58:59he can't mention that they really do

0:59:02that like the girl that won the combined

0:59:04gymnastics thing it's like well we

0:59:06wanted her to succeed at this so we sent

0:59:08her away

0:59:09I haven't seen my daughter in two years

0:59:11because she's benefits gymnastics school

0:59:13in Iowa I can't afford to go there so

0:59:15I'm here working to make the money just

0:59:18to pay for her to be at this gymnastics

0:59:20place right now I don't get too serious

0:59:22she's only 13 or something and I was

0:59:24like I didn't feel like they were

0:59:26terrible parents but I just felt like

0:59:27wow weird like weird priorities

0:59:31yeah that's because things like running

0:59:32fast by themselves are not that

0:59:34interesting but this girl won all these

0:59:36Olympic medals and the rest of her life

0:59:37shall be the one that won all those

0:59:39Olympic medals he meet her party will be

0:59:41a little envious

0:59:42you know it's like having an Emmy and he

0:59:45got it Anita she's basically the Olympic

0:59:47he got i think i do something similar to

0:59:49this day I had never thought about

0:59:50thought about in this way until now and

0:59:53our boyfriend's got simpsons pointed

0:59:55this out to me that I'm I'm kind of

0:59:57suspicious guy like I'm always trying to

0:59:59notice

0:59:59notice

1:00:00like what's not quite right here why did

1:00:02I decide to do it that way or and I do

1:00:05this constantly and I don't even really

1:00:07think about it and I definitely think

1:00:09about how weird it is until I find

1:00:10myself saying it to somebody else

1:00:12mhm it could be something like it's kind

1:00:14of weird they bust all the tables in

1:00:16this place twice but they haven't plus

1:00:18that table yet one that is and then I

1:00:20start thinking about well maybe the

1:00:21Busboys mad at that waiter maybe they're

1:00:24expecting the person come back and and

1:00:26then I know I'm suddenly on the spot

1:00:27right so I'm always noticing things in

1:00:30my in my room in Seattle

1:00:32hmm that's interesting it used to be you

1:00:34always had many bars in rooms and now

1:00:36you don't see many bars very much

1:00:37anymore they have a refrigerator in here

1:00:39but not a minibar I wonder why they did

1:00:40that

1:00:41is it because it's it was just people

1:00:43were asking for reversals on charges

1:00:46it was too costly to restock with their

1:00:48liability problems and now suddenly got

1:00:49an hour later I wake up you know in a

1:00:51cold sweat and I've been thinking about

1:00:52this thing for an hour and that right so

1:00:54for me I I'm very sympathetic walking

1:00:56around an airport IC IC especially in an

1:00:59airport you know because you got nothing

1:01:00better to do

1:01:01yeah you just like getting no no you

1:01:03just you're gonna like fine little games

1:01:04for yourself

1:01:05one thing about airports is there is

1:01:07that there is that under class of people

1:01:08who are in the airport all the time they

1:01:11work there who is not i would even say

1:01:13underclass but there they are a

1:01:14sub-class to the like the airport fills

1:01:18up with people it was those other from

1:01:20Middle Earth but there but here's that

1:01:22here are these people who are always

1:01:23here and you don't notice them it's like

1:01:25it's like a at this at the public market

1:01:28i remember i was down at the public

1:01:30market here in Seattle with with

1:01:33somebody who's visiting and there was a

1:01:37native american guy who was panhandling

1:01:40kind of right in the middle of the

1:01:42market and this person said oh my God

1:01:45look at that it's a real Indian

1:01:48[Music]

1:01:49and I said here surrounded by Indians

1:01:55here in Seattle there are Native

1:01:57Americans all over the city and they're

1:02:00like what really

1:02:01and I said yeah you're not seeing them

1:02:03and we stood there in the market and

1:02:06looked around and I was like look over

1:02:09there see right there and all of a

1:02:11sudden they became aware that they were

1:02:14Native Americans all around us and they

1:02:18just had never had never that they had

1:02:23they had grown used to because of

1:02:25wherever they grew up or however it is

1:02:27that this happens but they just didn't

1:02:29see Native Americans because they had a

1:02:32sense that any time they saw a Native

1:02:34American that person was going to be

1:02:36either panhandling memor or judging them

1:02:41wherever your head yes if there was some

1:02:43there was some thing about Indians in

1:02:46America that made them uncomfortable and

1:02:48so they just stopped seeing them and you

1:02:53know you can't you can't spend five

1:02:54minutes in seattle downtown without

1:02:56realizing that that this is kind of a a

1:02:59place where Native American culture is

1:03:02existing simultaneous with Seattle

1:03:04culture but in a way like a separate and

1:03:09and people just don't they just change

1:03:12their the focus of their eyes a little

1:03:13bit and they don't they don't see them

1:03:15and it's the same in airports there are

1:03:17people in airports that are there all

1:03:19the alt all the time and you don't see

1:03:21them you're looking for your gate you're

1:03:22looking around you don't realize that

1:03:25there's this other culture happening

1:03:27that's always there

1:03:30well utilize if you're like oh hello and

1:03:33you always think about it of course from

1:03:35your point of view so the things that I

1:03:36first noticed a lot when i first visited

1:03:38San Francisco 1997 versus what I noticed

1:03:41now are really different and this is

1:03:43really psych 101 stuff but i think it's

1:03:45incredibly interesting

1:03:46you don't even see the vomit you can I I

1:03:49the thing is I I don't even notice the

1:03:51poop i walk around the poop without even

1:03:52seeing it now I know it's there but you

1:03:55know again like my spidey sense but but

1:03:57I mean this is one way to start feeling

1:03:59a little bit more alive in life is to

1:04:01realize how much

1:04:02stuff you chunked you know you agree

1:04:07chunking and heuristics and algorithms

1:04:09account for so much of our existence

1:04:12that if we were to really stop and think

1:04:13about it it would blow your mind

1:04:16how many things you've jumped like a

1:04:18great example of my daughter and I go

1:04:19away from streetcar there's a multi

1:04:21multi multi-ton vehicle like you go to

1:04:24wait for a BART train there's there's

1:04:26something flying by you at like 40 miles

1:04:28an hour

1:04:29this joint and you're like four feet

1:04:30away from that like what kind of

1:04:31frontier guy would feel good like

1:04:33standing next to a giant piece of metal

1:04:34flying by 40 miles an hour you have a

1:04:36bitumen yourself to that because it

1:04:38hasn't jumped off the track and killed

1:04:39you yet

1:04:39right right that's more than I mean the

1:04:41whole bunch of these where think about

1:04:42the way you drive to work now in your

1:04:43case you don't have a job and you always

1:04:45drive a different route so that's just

1:04:47in and of itself makes you more alive

1:04:49but I mean and I think that's what

1:04:50happens with me and this is my own

1:04:52probably mental illness and it's why I'm

1:04:53very sympathetic to crazy people is I I

1:04:56sometimes wonder what's the pattern here

1:04:58that I haven't seen yet

1:04:59that's i'm really i'm almost obsessed by

1:05:03that like why did you choose them like a

1:05:06marketing message why did you choose to

1:05:08put that ad in this place with that

1:05:10wording of course a lot of this probably

1:05:12means next to nothing because it's just

1:05:13a bunch of idiots probably but I I don't

1:05:15know I I my life gets better if I let

1:05:19myself slip away some of the chunking

1:05:21and re-experience that and sometimes

1:05:22that's what travel is you know I want to

1:05:25get beyond the airport even but you go

1:05:27somewhere and you try and see something

1:05:30a new including yourself and that means

1:05:33instead of saying well here's all the

1:05:35things here that are weird and here's

1:05:37all the things that I can't get here

1:05:39right right you know there's other

1:05:40things I can get but don't want and

1:05:42here's all the things that I want but

1:05:43can't get Tim's Tim's biscuits wonder

1:05:46what that's a chatty chatty room where

1:05:49they call that to drink it

1:05:51that's a tea drink it i I don't know why

1:05:53this is and I because this isn't true of

1:05:56anybody else in my family I don't know

1:05:57why why I'm like this but I do

1:06:00everything I can to break my own

1:06:02patterns every day like I know when I

1:06:05put a cup of coffee in the microwave

1:06:07I never cheated for the same amount of

1:06:09time no way

1:06:11yeah because Manuel you

1:06:12manually choose be a lot of times well

1:06:15one minute two seconds i had when i met

1:06:18my daughter's milk in the morning I've

1:06:19got down to a science because i realize

1:06:21we have a quick minute button right

1:06:23quick if i get about like Alec the I

1:06:25feel like the quick minute button is the

1:06:27is the enemy

1:06:28holy shit on vichy of consciousness I'm

1:06:30you know what I'm complicit because what

1:06:32I do is I I know here's the thing

1:06:34it used to be that I would go to didn't

1:06:37get it set for like 52 seconds or

1:06:38whatever I said wait a minute if I had a

1:06:40little bit more milk to this cup I can

1:06:42go i can hit clear quick minute and on i

1:06:46hit tip right number three buttons and

1:06:48I'm making milk

1:06:49there you go all right but I'm a little

1:06:51less alive aren't I well this is this is

1:06:53why I take a different route into town

1:06:55every day

1:06:56partly had at well just want to lose the

1:06:58tail right so much we said too much but

1:07:00i but i also like in the process of

1:07:03taking a different route to town every

1:07:05day I've been down every Street in the

1:07:07city and you know there are there are

1:07:10there are your accruing accidental

1:07:13benefit all the time from breaking your

1:07:16own pattern Andrew and I you know the

1:07:19pediatrician when my daughter was born

1:07:21said you know children really like

1:07:23patterns they like regimented sort of

1:07:26thing they like to the dependable day

1:07:28who as though this was like you know

1:07:31this was a pediatric 101 and i said to

1:07:36her i was like well that's just not

1:07:38going to happen

1:07:39um so we're going to have to if this is

1:07:43true if kids like this kind of certainty

1:07:47then we're gonna have to find a

1:07:49different way to to to impress upon her

1:07:52that things are certain in life but i'm

1:07:56not i'm not going to make her this make

1:07:59her breakfast at the same hour every day

1:08:01it's just never going to happen and that

1:08:03little bit of pushback the pediatrician

1:08:06was like oh well I'm sure that's fine

1:08:08too

1:08:09I was like oh it's another example of

1:08:11people saying shit where they don't they

1:08:13and they don't mean it

1:08:14there's no no like real basis for that

1:08:16or even if there is I mean that she read

1:08:18450 papers written that represent the

1:08:24450 different studies that people have

1:08:25done that have come to this conclusion

1:08:28turns out but turns turns out they're

1:08:31just a bunch of studies that people did

1:08:33on some group of kids in a room it

1:08:35doesn't mean anything

1:08:36every person is individual and you might

1:08:39have you might have 400 kids at all like

1:08:42they're there Elmo doll given to them at

1:08:46the same minute of the day because there

1:08:47Elmo dolls always been given to them at

1:08:49the same minute of every day my daughter

1:08:50is almost too and she has she has so far

1:08:55exhibited no adverse effects to living a

1:08:58life that is almost one hundred percent

1:09:00spontaneous and try to on you try to

1:09:03push the envelope I mean is it a

1:09:05different sized Elmo different color i

1:09:06missing and then back i mean if you I

1:09:08don't i'm not i'm not yet experimenting

1:09:11on her in that way although its

1:09:13underlying off so will surely come but

1:09:15you know what

1:09:15when she's ready to go to bed it's

1:09:17obvious and when she's ready to wake up

1:09:20we all wake up like I i remember i would

1:09:22we went to buy a car from a from a gal

1:09:24who just had a this is this was back

1:09:27when i was buying a lot of cars

1:09:29she just had a baby and she had a couple

1:09:32of older kids and we were buying her car

1:09:35and her her new son was like what a

1:09:39week-old something like that we were

1:09:41like wow that must have that must really

1:09:43change things for you I mean that's

1:09:44leave gotta you've got a couple of boys

1:09:46you know one's five and 13 and they got

1:09:49this little one its root must really

1:09:51gives you know must be like crazy times

1:09:54right now and she said about the infant

1:09:56yeah well he's got a couple more weeks

1:09:59where he's kinda can do his own thing

1:10:01but then he's gotta get on our schedule

1:10:03and I was like whoa haha yeah yeah

1:10:09couple of weeks to you know just be a

1:10:12two week old and he's gonna have to get

1:10:15on their schedule and and I think

1:10:18there's a lot of people live that way

1:10:19you know you gotta get on my schedule so

1:10:21but on the other hand tu you i-i've like

1:10:24I'm hearing two things here are you

1:10:26saying that you you're not going to

1:10:28create and Hugh to a baby centric

1:10:32schedule correct

1:10:34oh no no I i well

1:10:37I i went the other way I think I think I

1:10:40think we all went the other way which

1:10:41was that I don't have a schedule so it's

1:10:43the baby schedule right baby schedule

1:10:46one hundred percent for the first year

1:10:48for life and now her schedule is when

1:10:52she's with me

1:10:53it is whatever happens and when she's

1:10:56with her nana of course

1:10:58mana is on a schedule oprah is nana is a

1:11:01is a lady who is on a she's he's got a

1:11:05dog that needs walk she has beautiful

1:11:07beautiful garden to keep up

1:11:09yeah and she's on I mean she's on a much

1:11:11more of a schedule than that I mean Anna

1:11:12is on a schedule where she is rotating

1:11:14condiments and stuff where it's like oh

1:11:17it's march six teeth huh that's not a

1:11:21new zesty Italian that's the day when

1:11:23the tartar sauce moves from the top

1:11:25shelf of the door of the refrigerator to

1:11:27the middle shelf because you got to keep

1:11:29everything on it

1:11:30everything's going to happen i have such

1:11:32a funny you know it's easy to become a

1:11:35smug parent because that's it's right

1:11:36there in the name parent you are you

1:11:38become smug but when you hear people who

1:11:40are you know you know you can like

1:11:42scheduled a c-section and stuff like

1:11:43that and not for medical reasons but

1:11:45just because it fits your schedule

1:11:47yeah yeah I mean you know whatever I

1:11:49teaches own but it is funny to me when

1:11:50somebody has that kind of attitude of

1:11:53like well we're just gonna you know get

1:11:55this as though it's a puppy who will

1:11:57eventually learn about the paper

1:12:00well you can't have parent without

1:12:02errant whoa right and I sometimes forget

1:12:07how much you're here to help pair

1:12:10read em and let you know it's like yeah

1:12:19you know what they would have everything

1:12:20planned out you want to have everything

1:12:21all squared away and it's like they're

1:12:24just you know especially when the baby's

1:12:26little yeah you know I think a lot about

1:12:28the game and dogs mechanics just how

1:12:31line with their red eyes they're just

1:12:32nipping at your heels and i slept pretty

1:12:35well last night but I still feel a

1:12:36little bit out of it today i did some

1:12:38stuff this morning someone little

1:12:39confused

1:12:40well sometimes sometimes getting a good

1:12:42night's sleep can actually make you a

1:12:44real fuzzball

1:12:46oh this is working through difficulties

1:12:48were going through a sleeping right now

1:12:50she's a like well anyway I came back

1:12:52from from our trip we should some point

1:12:54talk about our think probably should

1:12:56because it might be one really well I

1:12:58like you too

1:12:59yeah I don't you were amazing see you

1:13:02really were your truth teller you you

1:13:03wouldn't you wouldn't say this time

1:13:05young was you i would not bullshit you

1:13:07would avoid it

1:13:08your your game changing that you did the

1:13:12game-changing that you accomplished I

1:13:14mean you changed a lot of games that

1:13:15night and I was proud of I was proud to

1:13:18be on stage with us proud to share the

1:13:19stage with you

1:13:20well you called me and i remember i said

1:13:22the same thing an email you don't

1:13:24believe you coming fact I said gay get

1:13:26you coming yeah yeah nice anymore

1:13:28fingers like let's say please use that

1:13:30turntable last word

1:13:31yeah it's yeah I feel similar ask why we

1:13:33should talk about it we should we should

1:13:34just about that a little bit later but

1:13:36all i want to say they came back I was

1:13:37tired I could tell us get the stress mom

1:13:38the night before last

1:13:40ah you know sometimes i'm usually

1:13:42superdad hundred percent attention

1:13:44don't look at the phone don't do

1:13:46anything you know and I think in some

1:13:47ways that's been a not great thing in

1:13:49some ways because that means whenever

1:13:50dads around with you play with that but

1:13:52that's the playground off work forever

1:13:53more or wherever you know what i mean

1:13:55but it was like five o'clock two days

1:13:57ago and I was like you know what we're

1:13:59gonna read a little bit and then we're

1:14:00going to lay down i'm going to sleep

1:14:02you may either go to sleep with me or

1:14:03you can go in another room and be

1:14:05extremely quiet and she ended up falling

1:14:07asleep and she slept like 830 mhm so of

1:14:10course now she goes to bed at ten as you

1:14:13probably know from how this stuff goes

1:14:14now that throws everything off thats not

1:14:16even you can't Bank up sleep with a kid

1:14:18right it throws off the clock

1:14:21it's when you tell you trying to tell

1:14:22you you're single I'm not single but

1:14:24you're on one of childless friends about

1:14:27something called sleep hygiene they roll

1:14:29their eyes and think you're being on

1:14:30Northern California but your kids not

1:14:32sleeping everybody's fucked right it

1:14:34really i mean somebody's going to bear

1:14:36the brunt of that there's going to be

1:14:37some caregiver that has to to deal with

1:14:40when there's not sleep in place and so

1:14:43that's why I think it's funny when

1:14:43people are like have these ideas they

1:14:45read a book or something and they're

1:14:46like all y'all we're gonna get them on

1:14:47the gator game on the schedule of of

1:14:50this and that and especially when the

1:14:51little it's just that's it it's really

1:14:53weird it's like trying to train a brick

1:14:56you know it's it's like you really think

1:14:57that's gonna work i mean you're gonna

1:14:58like you're just gonna frustrate both of

1:15:00you and

1:15:01not necessarily going to make it better

1:15:02I think you provide favorable conditions

1:15:04i can't i'm not sure if he said he said

1:15:07this recorded this is my friend Jeff

1:15:09Dean once in the way he has approach to

1:15:11design is to make it easy to do the

1:15:13right thing right and I'm not believe in

1:15:15this so i think if you create instead of

1:15:17telling your child to be honest

1:15:19instead create conditions in which it's

1:15:21hard to be anything but to want to be

1:15:23anything but honest right if you want to

1:15:25create if you want to get to sleep

1:15:27create a condition where it's easy to

1:15:29sleep in the way that you want which

1:15:31sounds subtle but i think that's really

1:15:33really different from go get in bed now

1:15:34is creating stress because now daddy

1:15:37schedule says it's time for you it's 725

1:15:39so it's time for you to go be in bed and

1:15:41if it's 726 now we're both mad

1:15:43yeah there's a there's one there's one

1:15:45bone of contention in my family right

1:15:47now which is that sometimes I feel like

1:15:51baby has to sit on Daddy's lap oh and

1:15:54sometimes baby doesn't want to sit on

1:15:56Daddy's lap she wants to get down

1:15:59uh-huh and I say and the end and there

1:16:02are a lot of people in my family who

1:16:04feel like baby should be allowed to do

1:16:05whatever she wants and I said they had

1:16:09their chance i say this is this is true

1:16:11baby has sometimes in the day when she

1:16:13was allowed to do whatever she wants but

1:16:14there are times and this is one of them

1:16:17one baby needs to just sit on Daddy's

1:16:18lap because and this is what i always

1:16:22come I always come back to what if we

1:16:26are in a hidden train compartment and

1:16:31the Gestapo is checking documents does

1:16:35baby get to get down and run around so

1:16:37like what you like Darion like a like

1:16:40hiding in the floor type situation

1:16:41exactly you have limited space and it is

1:16:44a this John hate to keep bringing this

1:16:46up by the last episode of mash it just

1:16:48keeps bringing me back the last episode

1:16:49of mesh they're sitting there in the bus

1:16:52they're about to be discovered by the

1:16:53North Koreans em all right and and and

1:16:57they're in the back on this bus full of

1:16:59the civilians and hot guys there and

1:17:01this baby remember the baby the baby the

1:17:04baby the baby's crying and crying and

1:17:05crying and that's revealing that

1:17:08position

1:17:09yeah now that that is that with much

1:17:11respect to to a simple village woman

1:17:13never rehearse that no she had not she

1:17:17had raised a baby that thought it was

1:17:18okay to just go to a baby once that's

1:17:20right that's right am I on the right

1:17:21track here this year preparing for

1:17:22something much larger than having a

1:17:24healthy child

1:17:25well this is what happened in that

1:17:26terrible Quentin Tarantino movie The the

1:17:29one where they shoot Hitler in the face

1:17:30400 times how the the angry chisme you

1:17:33have a baby under those the baby under

1:17:35the house makes a sound oh so here's the

1:17:39thing if you have a baby you need to

1:17:41prepare that openings that opening

1:17:43selling that was great it was a great

1:17:44opening sequence the rest of the movie

1:17:46was a particular age for shit but the

1:17:48beginning opening sequence could have

1:17:49been a whole thing that was very well

1:17:50done but uh but so so my contention is

1:17:55and I have to I have to hold have to

1:17:58hold the women in my clan back with a

1:18:00saber well I'm holding baby on my lab

1:18:03because they because babies crying and

1:18:05they want to make it better and so I

1:18:08keep them at bay with a saber in one

1:18:10hand and with the other hand I just say

1:18:12behold your daughter fast I said baby

1:18:14let's say you're too young to understand

1:18:18this but let's say there's Gestapo

1:18:20searching this farmhouse we do not this

1:18:23is not the time to play this is the few

1:18:25minutes where you just sit quietly on

1:18:27Daddy's lap and she fights and screams

1:18:30and yells and I'm like fighting

1:18:32screaming yellow you like but when that

1:18:34moment comes we will be ready we will be

1:18:36trained so this is so you don't think

1:18:40about this thing about how you train a

1:18:41police dog first of all i gotta say John

1:18:43I'm going to start doing this today and

1:18:45I some and more often than not will

1:18:46probably be that you need to go in

1:18:47another room be extremely quiet because

1:18:48the Gestapo might be coming

1:18:50that's right I'm but you know it if you

1:18:53train police dog

1:18:55you don't just take the dog into a like

1:19:00a drug house and have it smell for drugs

1:19:02in the house right you do all kinds of

1:19:04things you have used to all this

1:19:06training first of all you've got to

1:19:07train the dog to like be a police dog in

1:19:09general you gotta follow orders and then

1:19:11don't you let the stuff we haven't

1:19:12sniffed things in a field and it has to

1:19:14text off and you're introducing things

1:19:16and getting more subtle subtle subtle

1:19:17yeah it has to be it has to be on voice

1:19:20command because you can't have a police

1:19:21dog that's just that's just that's just

1:19:24by don't just throw it bag of weed and

1:19:25take you to the airport

1:19:26it did some training

1:19:27yes it does and that's what you're doing

1:19:29it seems to me that what you're doing is

1:19:30you're doing the you're doing a kind of

1:19:32I don't know allied power parenting

1:19:34yeah that's right and then Anna think

1:19:37anybody gives a way that train it's not

1:19:38going to be your daughter and she she is

1:19:41understanding that in her whole life

1:19:43there's only one person that is that

1:19:49drug that ultimately caused a big line

1:19:52the fatline for the saber the fatline

1:19:55with the slaver in those in the sand

1:19:56which is there is nothing now that you

1:20:00can say or do nothing that anyone can

1:20:02say or do that will divert me from this

1:20:06project of you sitting quietly on my lap

1:20:08you could set yourself on fire and I

1:20:12would hold you in my lap until you've

1:20:14burned to a cinder

1:20:16I will kill your mother and my own

1:20:20mother with this saber rather than let

1:20:22you get off my lap

1:20:25does everyone understand good that you

1:20:29sent you send a very clear message about

1:20:31how this is gonna work

1:20:32that's right now let's also quietly and

1:20:34let the Gestapo pass and it is very hard

1:20:41for everyone to to to swallow this

1:20:43bitter pill which is why I carry a saber

1:20:47every father should every father should

1:20:53be AI think its own United I talked

1:20:55about the guy went to school with who he

1:20:57sold sold Snickers bars and and bottom

1:21:00Marshall amp this time if I told you

1:21:02this but the other part that his dad his

1:21:04dad was the head of the k-9 unit at our

1:21:09Sheriff's Department have attorneys

1:21:11right

1:21:12ok so it's Phil's dad who really really

1:21:15cool interesting guy

1:21:17i I don't know that's like I learned a

1:21:19lot from this guy he was he was a really

1:21:21cool really smart guy and and so he's in

1:21:23charge of all of the guys who have dogs

1:21:25and do dog police stuff and apparently I

1:21:29mean he said any kind of interesting

1:21:32things but the one that really stuck

1:21:33with me was you know first of all these

1:21:35dogs go and live with the police officer

1:21:38yeah like it's

1:21:39it's not their pet but I mean that they

1:21:41have to have a very strong bond oh

1:21:43they're bonded right right but there's a

1:21:46lot of in and so then after it's a weird

1:21:49thing because they're not just watching

1:21:50the dogs are also watching the dude

1:21:51because these are fucking Rottweilers

1:21:53yeah

1:21:53Rottweilers and what Phil's dad would

1:21:55say to me is that I i am getting old i

1:21:59think i'm repeating myself but he said

1:22:00you know a Rottweiler it's like a marine

1:22:03like a Rottweiler will follow every

1:22:06order to the letter you know from the

1:22:09chain of command but it also knows what

1:22:12to do when there's no order in place

1:22:13it's like a come to commando dog which

1:22:16is great but here's the problem if

1:22:18you're not smarter than your dog and

1:22:20you're not more resolute than your dog

1:22:23that Rottweiler will run your fucking

1:22:25house you'll never have a life again

1:22:27because the Rottweilers bigger than us

1:22:29stronger than you and in some sense it

1:22:31is stronger and it is also smarter than

1:22:33you and he says that's the thing is we

1:22:35would we go when we monitor these guys

1:22:37we train them which we test out both the

1:22:39dog and the the handler and and the

1:22:42thing is he says you can learn so much

1:22:44about the character as with the beard

1:22:47you learn so much about the character of

1:22:49the police officer right now trying to

1:22:52interact with this dog and just seeing

1:22:53how their dog is you know you got you

1:22:55got you got one is little nervous people

1:22:57with three chihuahuas running around

1:22:58there's a pretty good chance it's gonna

1:22:59be a pretty nervous person at the other

1:23:01end of the the cord

1:23:02yeah well because because the because

1:23:05the human being has introduced all these

1:23:08variables all these concepts all these

1:23:10irrelevant concepts like I that they

1:23:13want to be nice

1:23:14does the dog like me all these things

1:23:16that never occurred the Dodgers wants to

1:23:18know what the rule is yeah the dog wants

1:23:20to be the ones we please you don't want

1:23:21to please you want to please the packets

1:23:23that dog was to know its place in a pack

1:23:25in my pack

1:23:26yes actually it a dog it's this is what

1:23:28this is john god dammit this is another

1:23:30thing people need to learn about yes

1:23:32dogs want to please us that is their

1:23:33nature but they want to please us

1:23:35because they think we're the boss not

1:23:37because we're nice

1:23:38oh they have no interested in pleasing

1:23:40us to earn our friendship

1:23:42no no no and they did that dog is not

1:23:45happy when they think they might be in

1:23:47power or maybe not

1:23:48they're happy when they know who's

1:23:50running the show well this is the

1:23:51interesting thing about our show the

1:23:53other day

1:23:53we did a show in seattle with five guys

1:23:56all of whom are alpha type people

1:24:01well some of us are more often some are

1:24:04more alpha than others and as much a

1:24:05shower the panel that the well both on

1:24:08the same group of people and jonathan

1:24:11coulton at one point said listen you

1:24:14know I don't want to get in the middle

1:24:15and start tangling with you silverbacks

1:24:18and I was like alright that's alright

1:24:22that's fair but he was making a point

1:24:25that there was in that show

1:24:28there there are all these and mrs. that

1:24:30this was part of my desire to get five

1:24:32really talented people together and

1:24:33collaborate there are all these

1:24:35questions of of like ape dynamics that

1:24:40nobody wants to address not only think I

1:24:44was pretty good at being a beta dog you

1:24:47were there you were awesome scott

1:24:49simpson was awesome i think in my his

1:24:51are given i think given my history and

1:24:59my end my pack problems as a human being

1:25:02I think I I'm not even out of my

1:25:03performance aside i think i was i didn't

1:25:06i didn't complain unduly about the

1:25:08tuxedos after it was a done deal

1:25:09no you you acquiesce to the tuxedos is

1:25:12what you did I did I got down and lay

1:25:13down my back and I said please don't

1:25:14hurt me

1:25:15he rolled over and put all four legs in

1:25:17the air to show you here okay don't get

1:25:19a dog you get a dog it starts acting up

1:25:21you know what you do if you're strong

1:25:22enough is that you just wanted a puppy

1:25:23you grab that fucking dog you put it on

1:25:26its back and you hold it down with it on

1:25:28its back

1:25:29that is the way that you show a dog

1:25:31who's in charge

1:25:33yeah like mom climbing into the herd

1:25:36good dogs kennel what my mom

1:25:39periodically what periodically makes

1:25:44Gibson breaks all she's racist or its

1:25:47she makes him get out of his dog bed and

1:25:49she climbs in and she lays down on his

1:25:51bed and she stares at him into guys my

1:25:55bed

1:25:57I know I ok I've accepted all of this up

1:26:01until now there's no way that your mom

1:26:03does that one hundred percent and she

1:26:04says I let you sleep in this camel hold

1:26:08this is not your camel and Gibson goes

1:26:11and she's like all right glad we had two

1:26:15glad we had this talk and she climbs out

1:26:18and then he goes back in

1:26:19I mean he understand and order order is

1:26:21established and you know it's funny

1:26:23though is also you know she was a

1:26:24computer programmer

1:26:25it's weird how many computer programming

1:26:27jobs go off the rails because people

1:26:29don't act like the code base is a shared

1:26:31resource they act like it's no you know

1:26:33what i mean like i get back to the bases

1:26:35ball like if you started going out there

1:26:37and thinking it was all about you just

1:26:39you know what trying to look cool while

1:26:41you're swinging the bat or a while it

1:26:43was about you trying to make eyes with

1:26:45somebody in in the stadium off sounds

1:26:47silly but you get your ass kicked

1:26:49because that's not your job your job is

1:26:50to go out there hit the fucking ball

1:26:51right you know what I mean the order the

1:26:54order must be restored and and oh my god

1:26:58is it is it a covered kennel

1:27:00oh it's a full-on crazy she cast a climb

1:27:03in

1:27:04that's one of those igloos it's a good

1:27:05fucking English she climbs and I got any

1:27:07glue you use service la years old you

1:27:12get you you should see her you know show

1:27:14I i have watched her walk down the

1:27:17street late at night ahead of me you

1:27:20know i'm trying to catch up to her like

1:27:21mom you shouldn't be out walking she

1:27:23walks right into the center of like them

1:27:27what what in some cases could be

1:27:29construed as the most intimidating

1:27:31scenario which is to say a group of four

1:27:35teenage some say them sync between 15

1:27:38and 17 year old gangster still like

1:27:43street corner hangout see desperate with

1:27:46people desperate people who have no idea

1:27:49what they even have to list their

1:27:50teenagers they have no they have no

1:27:52sense that they are mortal and they are

1:27:54all wearing gang colors and they're

1:27:57standing on a street corner in the

1:27:59middle of the night in the middle of the

1:28:00hood and my mom will walk right into the

1:28:02middle of them

1:28:03and say I think that it's reprehensible

1:28:07that you just threw your candy wrapper

1:28:08on the ground or something like that and

1:28:10I'm you know I'm a block and a half

1:28:11behind going well and they they

1:28:17straighten up

1:28:19I mean I've watched it happen they're

1:28:20like yes ma'am and pick their candy bar

1:28:23wrapper up off the ground she's one of

1:28:24those if anything it's like I said it's

1:28:26a frank beautiful thing there are some

1:28:28people who just have a certain way of

1:28:29carrying themselves and have that

1:28:31principle feeling and if I did that I

1:28:33like I couldn't ikea you might be able

1:28:36to do that with some Authority but

1:28:37you're also big and intimidating your

1:28:39mom's not a not a giant person

1:28:41yeah but those kids wouldn't be

1:28:42intimidated by me you know that by

1:28:44myself

1:28:45it's my size would just it just would

1:28:49just encourage them to go on on the

1:28:53defensive attack help my mom just it's i

1:28:57would I think what it is is that we all

1:28:59have in the back of our head this switch

1:29:02where you do it your grandmother tells

1:29:04you you know and I feel like that that

1:29:06is why

1:29:08oh yeah i think i think that was kind of

1:29:10Secretary of State Madeleine Albright

1:29:12see Madeline Albright yeah attractive

1:29:16lady j beautiful voice she turns out

1:29:21term turns out the was a Jewish lady is

1:29:25up you know what she found out late in

1:29:27life that she's a Jewess she found out

1:29:29late in life that

1:29:31yeah that she had this whole culture so

1:29:33cultural backgrounds and no idea about

1:29:36her whole life in Nana's so so so you're

1:29:40but here's the thing that between

1:29:41without naming names you and certain

1:29:44members of your family are someone at

1:29:46loggerheads on the saber and baby

1:29:47holding issue it is believed by these

1:29:50women who are not you then the child

1:29:52should be allowed to go to stop it from

1:29:54crying it should be allowed to go wander

1:29:55around well this is the thing i don't

1:29:56believe that they are i don't believe

1:29:58that they are approaching these matters

1:30:00with up with the long view and they are

1:30:03responding rather to a crying baby

1:30:06their instinct is to take a crying baby

1:30:09and through

1:30:11heading and goldfish crackers and

1:30:15whatever other things that whatever

1:30:16other sort of a sorcery that people

1:30:20applied children they want to make the

1:30:22crying baby to stop they want crying

1:30:23baby tutu go away and happy baby come

1:30:26back and what what they fail to

1:30:28appreciate is that crying baby has no

1:30:30effect on me like I really it is the

1:30:33power is the power I have in this

1:30:36situation which is the difference

1:30:38between crying baby and happy baby is is

1:30:41a math problem to me not a an emotional

1:30:45one

1:30:45so I can sit with crying baby on my lap

1:30:48for an hour and I think it's important

1:30:51that it happened to visit their shots

1:30:52equal no no I mean it's exactly like a

1:30:55vampire

1:30:56it's exhausting but crying baby is

1:30:57sitting on my lap and she is saying

1:30:59she's saying crying baby is what I do

1:31:04crying babies who I become when I want

1:31:07the situation to change and I say I know

1:31:10that's what crying baby is and she goes

1:31:14so I am being crying baby and the

1:31:16situation is not changing and I go

1:31:18that's right and then we look at each

1:31:22other and she keeps growing our

1:31:25strategies to cry more strategies to cry

1:31:27more and to end and and I and I swear to

1:31:29you you know the women in my house are

1:31:32tearing their hair out that sometimes

1:31:34they have to leave the house because the

1:31:37because this you know this sound is not

1:31:39being because this sound is a sound that

1:31:41needs to be addressed and I am NOT

1:31:43addressing it although I am addressing

1:31:45them i'm addressing it by saying here is

1:31:48the thing you are going to sit on my lap

1:31:51and you can do it crying or not you can

1:31:56with this can go a thousand different

1:31:57ways but the thing that isn't going to

1:32:00change is that year he I mean you're not

1:32:02going to get down and it's not it's not

1:32:05a thing that's not a wrestling match

1:32:07it's just a but the crying is not going

1:32:11to produce the results that you're

1:32:13expecting in distance in making you're

1:32:15making a stronger person that made it

1:32:17may crying may work for you and a lot of

1:32:19other and a lot of other avenues but I

1:32:22know you don't have a wet diaper I know

1:32:23you are not uncomfortable i know you're

1:32:25not hurt I know you're not hungry i know

1:32:28you're not scared you are just

1:32:31dissatisfied and dissatisfaction is a

1:32:35thing that we are going to learn to sit

1:32:36and appreciate you can store it up for a

1:32:39while

1:32:40yeah dissatisfaction is a thing that we

1:32:42should we should savor it like a like a

1:32:44like a bloom up because all around me

1:32:48there are people who have never learned

1:32:49to endure dissatisfaction and I do not

1:32:52admire them

1:32:53uh-huh so that's the part with you is

1:32:56like eat you you do demand satisfaction

1:32:58but you deny yourself it seems to me the

1:33:01immediate payoff of going name and i'm

1:33:04going to write a letter or something

1:33:06like that you you let that sit and grow

1:33:08and strengthen right you're in training

1:33:11you're in training for the for the

1:33:13demanding of satisfaction what what what

1:33:15maybe what made walking into that north

1:33:17face so exciting to me was that I had

1:33:19had I've had two and a half months of

1:33:24discomfort that you know I could have

1:33:28thrown that backpack away the second I

1:33:30got to a town and bought a new backpack

1:33:32in a store but i did not i carried that

1:33:37broken ass backpack for two months I can

1:33:43you know what you like and you knew i

1:33:44was going to get work is going to get

1:33:46worse

1:33:46oh it was going to get worse and i knew

1:33:48i was gonna have to fix it with with

1:33:49thread and bailing wire i knew i was ID

1:33:52and i knew i knew i was going to carry

1:33:55that thing for two months and I was

1:33:56gonna carry it all the way back to

1:33:58Seattle and I was going to carry it down

1:33:59and I was gonna throw it on the floor

1:34:01that store I knew that was gonna happen

1:34:03and so every time it dug into my back

1:34:07every time that backpack

1:34:09every time I had to take it all apart so

1:34:12it back together

1:34:13it was just like and then you made

1:34:17everyone in the store sit on your lap

1:34:19then I made everybody so sad but I got

1:34:23my satisfaction

1:34:26i get i get mail from people all the

1:34:28time saying I'm trying to get

1:34:30satisfaction will you help me

1:34:32well you know you but not in the way you

1:34:34expect

1:34:35that's right my feeling is I'm not gonna

1:34:37help you get satisfaction right you but

1:34:40I can help you by saying I'd like one

1:34:42hundred percent support your desire to

1:34:43get satisfaction that there was a

1:34:46somebody tried to social network me the

1:34:48other day I want you too will you

1:34:50retweet my dissatisfaction

1:34:52oh they want you to be a social media

1:34:54fixer yeah I'm not gonna be your

1:34:55megaphone you know if if part of your

1:34:58dissatisfaction is that you are not you

1:35:01are not able to socially mediate your

1:35:03problem with these people

1:35:06let that be another love on your fire

1:35:10you could really become i mean i-i need

1:35:15all the time for something like this

1:35:16nowadays but you could become a kind of

1:35:18coach you could you could become

1:35:21somebody knowing i'm just saying i gotta

1:35:23know what it's just something to think

1:35:24about is you could you could i'm not

1:35:26saying you have to hold the monument

1:35:27that maybe that could be maybe I could

1:35:29be just the first week or so you come in

1:35:31for an hour and you maybe maybe you know

1:35:33how about this you go to their house you

1:35:34shake him out of bed

1:35:36yeah private get out get out of my bed

1:35:38laying in bed you can make him watch you

1:35:40make them watch you while you sleep in

1:35:42their bed when they're tired and

1:35:44confused

1:35:45stand at attention to the foot of his

1:35:46bed and watch me sleep my bed I let you

1:35:48sleep here watch me curl up with your

1:35:50little watch me turn your pillows towels

1:35:53that's it's a riffic idea because what

1:35:55you're what you're saying in some ways

1:35:57is it's funny there's that there's a

1:35:58again with the irony the irony of

1:36:01holding her in your lap and I'm the

1:36:02thing I proved that I think it's an

1:36:04interesting idea but a but the idea is

1:36:06you're teaching her that this is not a

1:36:07situation that will change

1:36:09it's not about her being sad it's about

1:36:11acceptance yeah right well it's about

1:36:14acceptance and it's about understanding

1:36:15that in this world in the world that she

1:36:17lives in there are people who are going

1:36:19to make decisions that she that where

1:36:22she is going to be consulted necessarily

1:36:24right and that is a thing that that the

1:36:28argument against is that it disempowers

1:36:31her but I want to be perfectly clear at

1:36:35least in my clan that total empowerment

1:36:39is not what I'm what I'm after

1:36:42in the case of a two-year-old like

1:36:44empowerment is a thing that you earn

1:36:47overtime as you overcome obstacles learn

1:36:52and accomplish things you become

1:36:54empowered empowerment is not a thing

1:36:56that you are born with and then that the

1:36:58parents job is to get out of the way of

1:37:00empowerment is a thing that you learned

1:37:03some of that is that you become

1:37:04empowered by knowing that you were

1:37:07disempowered or that you were that there

1:37:09were tremendous limits on what you were

1:37:12able to do any as a young person so I

1:37:16mean there are some of the shrieking

1:37:17that's happening

1:37:18some of the shrieking that necessitates

1:37:20that I carry a saber while I do this

1:37:21stuff is around this idea that i am that

1:37:27somehow by holding her on my lap I am I

1:37:30am either being a bully or I'm teaching

1:37:33her that she doesn't have autonomy or

1:37:37all these other questions and I'm like

1:37:38the first of all of the the thing in my

1:37:42family that I'm not worried about it is

1:37:45that she grows up with a sense of

1:37:47autonomy you know what i mean i'm not i

1:37:49am not particularly worried that that

1:37:51that she will be the first Roderick

1:37:54rochester in the history of time that

1:37:57isn't a total like basically a human

1:38:01monster

1:38:02we r we r who we are a threat to human

1:38:08culture not you know not not a clog in

1:38:11it's not something you I get her don't

1:38:13get in afternoon on Daddy's lap yeah

1:38:15she's not you know she's not going to be

1:38:17anything you don't have blonde hair or

1:38:19something so but all the but all these

1:38:22ideas that you know that a two-year-old

1:38:23is learning these unconscious that the

1:38:27this idea that she's not going to be

1:38:29that she's not going to feel capable

1:38:32right because her because her father

1:38:35periodically

1:38:37made no prepare for example sir

1:38:41Institute's a regime in which she will

1:38:43be that in which she will survive a

1:38:45holocaust I do not accept this logic

1:38:51energy if anybody in this family is

1:38:54because i had a dream the other night

1:38:55after this terrible hurricane in New

1:38:59York had a dream the other night that I

1:39:00was in a car that went off a bridge into

1:39:03a river and the car filled up with water

1:39:06and the baby was in the car with me and

1:39:10I had to I had to wait for the car to

1:39:13sink in order to open the door and then

1:39:17swim around get the baby out of her car

1:39:19seat under water and then get to the

1:39:22surface of what then became a raging

1:39:24torrent I was then a raging river and i

1:39:28had to have the baby hold on to me as I

1:39:30swam in what became a boundary list see

1:39:35there wasn't then there was no Shore and

1:39:38I'm swimming in this torrent and there's

1:39:40no Shore and there's nothing to hold

1:39:41onto and i'm in my dream trying to

1:39:44navigate the and I'm not a super great

1:39:46swimmer either trying to figure out a

1:39:48way that i can make us boy and enough to

1:39:51float where she can ride on my chest as

1:39:55I'm you know floating on my back and

1:39:58we're being carried in this flood raging

1:40:01flood water and this was not a good

1:40:05dream this was a terrifying dream but it

1:40:08reinforced to me that there are times

1:40:12when baby needs to hold onto daddy and

1:40:14shut the fuck up and in and I can see my

1:40:19daughter in this situation as we're

1:40:21floating down this this delusion and she

1:40:24is on my shoes on my chest and I am

1:40:27trying to keep my head above water that

1:40:29she starts saying down down daddy down

1:40:34and it must make you redouble your your

1:40:37your saber and I rattling and in this in

1:40:41the in the case of being in the delusion

1:40:43I would have to say no honey it's just

1:40:45going to sit on daddy's chest right now

1:40:48and and you know what if she grows up

1:40:49with that which i'm certain that she

1:40:51will when she becomes a strong swimmer

1:40:53you know it what I think we run into the

1:40:55harry chapin scenario i think she says

1:40:57to you know

1:40:58yeah I'm a strong swimmer swimmer you

1:41:00will hold onto me and and then you will

1:41:02be happily lovingly the beta dog for

1:41:05that situation you should learn to swim

1:41:07better that will be the moment and the

1:41:08thing is they don't know you succeeded

1:41:10in every child's life there is the

1:41:11moment where they say no dad I am no

1:41:14longer on your i'm no longer sit on your

1:41:17lab and that is the moment when it is

1:41:19that is incumbent upon me to say you're

1:41:24right and now i am old and had cats in

1:41:29the cradle and the silver spoon we have

1:41:33to fight each other

1:41:34[Music]