Roderick on the Line

Ep. 45: "The Conditions of Love"

 

  hello hi John [TS]

  Merlin how are you I'm fine young man [TS]

  John uh-huh [TS]

  and oh that sounds it sounded like a [TS]

  meditation thing I'm just sitting here [TS]

  meditating meditating on how create life [TS]

  is and how good I have it boy had a bad [TS]

  morning every every minute of a day is [TS]

  just a blessing [TS]

  I'm dressed already I'm not naked for [TS]

  this podcast that I've had coffee [TS]

  I just feel so blessed you know life [TS]

  life is a present that we give ourselves [TS]

  life as a president that we give [TS]

  ourselves who andrew johnson doesn't get [TS]

  the credit he deserves if you know what [TS]

  I mean I feel like you know my my my [TS]

  general feeling that the world is going [TS]

  to hell and that is largely a product of [TS]

  the fact that we have made it [TS]

  unfashionable to punch people in the [TS]

  nose [TS]

  it's it's just not accurate and what I [TS]

  really need to feel is that every day is [TS]

  a blessing that you know what that is [TS]

  really refreshing [TS]

  Wow nicely with the working Susan polish [TS]

  Schultz hmm so she polished Schultz's no [TS]

  no John she doesn't she writes a she I [TS]

  think she had quite a run in the [TS]

  seventies and eighties writing those [TS]

  greeting cards will like watercolors on [TS]

  the front [TS]

  oh I got all I am i received a great [TS]

  many of those you know my mom is someone [TS]

  who expresses herself through greeting [TS]

  parents so hard to believe so I it is [TS]

  it's very out of character but i have a [TS]

  greeting card from her not a greeting [TS]

  card but a birthday card from her for [TS]

  every year just using precisely greeting [TS]

  you not not greeting me except like [TS]

  greeting each new day with a with a [TS]

  with a an aphorism but you know they [TS]

  would he would be there so that there [TS]

  would be a card with a sunset on it and [TS]

  there were there would usually be some [TS]

  kind of onion paper in front of the [TS]

  paper of the card right so that at first [TS]

  you look at the card it's like kind of [TS]

  threw a gauze and then you put the onion [TS]

  paper and there's the sentiments written [TS]

  in cursive last night it also had to be [TS]

  protected from from a caustic world [TS]

  yeah or or uh that it is that it isn't [TS]

  an excerpt an apocryphal from the Bible [TS]

  some kind of middle portion of the Bible [TS]

  that but that got taken out like [TS]

  somebody with white cotton gloves to [TS]

  take it out of a hermetically seal tape [TS]

  out of each Bible each Bible which is [TS]

  the unary word of god and then there's [TS]

  this thing that says you're the best son [TS]

  Oh mom could ever want to have open it [TS]

  up inside and then it's also another [TS]

  thing that I psyche but no incited [TS]

  furthers that thought we have someone [TS]

  and then my mom would sign it can [TS]

  sometimes sometimes she would echo the [TS]

  sentiment by saying you're a good son [TS]

  how do you really believe that I think [TS]

  she did you know moms have moms have [TS]

  certain blinders where they think that [TS]

  they're there they're terrible child [TS]

  who's a force of pure destruction in the [TS]

  world is actually a nice boy [TS]

  I don't open an old wound but it's a lot [TS]

  like a pitbull problem maybe they may [TS]

  just be remembering the days that she [TS]

  didn't tear each other apart [TS]

  not that they do that but I understand [TS]

  she thanked me on my 30th birthday for [TS]

  for having survived i wanna see now [TS]

  that's really sweet but it was inside it [TS]

  was very emotional moment and it's like [TS]

  thanks thanks but well no she said you [TS]

  know from the time you were 15 until now [TS]

  I every time the phone rang at night I [TS]

  was sure that they were calling to say [TS]

  that you were dead [TS]

  oh my gosh that's a that's a real mixed [TS]

  kind of feeling huh [TS]

  so anyway now that you're 30 I can't [TS]

  believe it [TS]

  and congratulations and I'm really glad [TS]

  and i was like oh god I'm I'm I'm sorry [TS]

  that I made you feel up 15 years that's [TS]

  I guess you wouldn't say [TS]

  like passive-aggressive because it [TS]

  doesn't seem like your mom style but no [TS]

  no not at all no she was teaching [TS]

  sincere she's being sincere he was [TS]

  explaining to me a very various like not [TS]

  just sincere but like a massive truth [TS]

  that at that continues to settle on my [TS]

  shoulders which is that in order for her [TS]

  in order to survive herself she had to [TS]

  in newer herself against the possibility [TS]

  that I might die at any time [TS]

  oh god that psychologically that was a [TS]

  lot of work and a lot of heartbreak to [TS]

  to say I think what she said was I loved [TS]

  the years i had with you [TS]

  whoo-hoo so knowing that you were [TS]

  certain to die i had to be happy with [TS]

  the the great times that we had my gosh [TS]

  she's trying she's trying to make it [TS]

  through those years where I was when I [TS]

  was having all those high adventures [TS]

  that people think we're so I make me [TS]

  such an interesting person i would say [TS]

  that but you you're definitely a handful [TS]

  right your animal for a while [TS]

  in fact not a handful and a handful is [TS]

  what you say about about a puppy that [TS]

  pees on the rug [TS]

  I was a pistol i was known a pistol is [TS]

  what you say about a little old lady who [TS]

  wears red cowboy boots haha I what you [TS]

  quite a ballplayer [TS]

  it was a homicidal maniac [TS]

  uh-huh which is not which is not [TS]

  something that you that that's not [TS]

  something you would say about a puppy [TS]

  that's not something that you'd said I'm [TS]

  old lady unless of course she was a [TS]

  homicidal maniac [TS]

  well I is dominated by made it out [TS]

  well let me I'm so glad he isn't it is a [TS]

  blessing in it it's it's a present that [TS]

  you put on your own tree i'm going to [TS]

  read you something i don't know this is [TS]

  discovered by fairies but i'd like to [TS]

  read you one of the works of season [TS]

  polish also if you don't mind is this [TS]

  this is going to be some situation where [TS]

  we get accused of plagiarism and then we [TS]

  have to explain that now i am repeating [TS]

  it I'm achieving its actually lipstick [TS]

  on that picture and so it's now a new [TS]

  work you know what i think i might be [TS]

  seen her name wrong it shuts which is [TS]

  not the german for something ships is [TS]

  german force it [TS]

  Susan policy it [TS]

  essentially command to a doggy should [TS]

  should know shoot shoot shoot [TS]

  shush as in as in the shootin fest and [TS]

  yes it's a shoot shoot in China huh no [TS]

  wonder what is it I don't know sit [TS]

  actually sit in Germany's sits in a city [TS]

  like Darth Vader how do you say thats it [TS]

  then slices fifth is written as Seth is [TS]

  part of an international intergalactic [TS]

  space language and it's translated the [TS]

  same earth like you know I had a [TS]

  professor in college who after years [TS]

  later that's a good place to have a [TS]

  professor if you're going to have became [TS]

  one of the perhaps the pre eminent [TS]

  scholar of the Klingon language my [TS]

  esteem for your university education [TS]

  just went through the roof i took his [TS]

  mnemonics class [TS]

  ah here's the thing and it's very [TS]

  difficult to teach people things I think [TS]

  it's very difficult to teach people [TS]

  poetry or plasma it's very difficult to [TS]

  teach people things now that we can't [TS]

  use branding iron key thousand was a [TS]

  muted Bell I don't want to go two nights [TS]

  let me just finish this off button let [TS]

  me finish this let me Fake here's the [TS]

  thing is difficult you know sometimes [TS]

  you have to teach people something based [TS]

  on teaching them what it is not or [TS]

  should not be em and I you know and [TS]

  that's our that's some mighty jump girls [TS]

  what's safe touches [TS]

  ok so anyway you can review on safe to [TS]

  Richard you go [TS]

  it has a wonderful book on version of [TS]

  Richard Hugo know I know but in his book [TS]

  on versus actually what is it real West [TS]

  marginal way that's biography i forget [TS]

  the name of the bar talking about bird [TS]

  by bird are you there was one person i [TS]

  was i don't think was my professor I [TS]

  think he was quoting someone but for [TS]

  example this is a great piece of advice [TS]

  for anybody [TS]

  you're not eat you you should just avoid [TS]

  the word love and I think there's one [TS]

  rule [TS]

  I'm trying to remember exactly what the [TS]

  rules but it's something along the lines [TS]

  of you're not allowed to use love as a [TS]

  transitive verb for the first nine years [TS]

  your poem something like that you know [TS]

  what I've been saying that to every girl [TS]

  I've dated since 1986 [TS]

  here to you know what you are your [TS]

  poetry teacher this is earlier this is [TS]

  some first this is a verse from Susan [TS]

  polished it's called i love you so much [TS]

  it's it's the kind of thing I've been [TS]

  trying to find a way to say to you I [TS]

  don't see someone i'm so glad you've [TS]

  made it to 40 something and I'm really [TS]

  I'm really glad like to read you a short [TS]

  bit of verse called love you so much [TS]

  they are you ready and really i'm going [TS]

  to draw you something I'm gonna paint [TS]

  you something in watercolors and centre [TS]

  st with tissue on it i love you are you [TS]

  are you going to pronounce the word love [TS]

  with a w instead of an l it's also very [TS]

  important to have what's called [TS]

  metaphysical distance which is you can [TS]

  be too matchy-matchy you can't be too [TS]

  close with things like the title right [TS]

  thank you and I have a lot of [TS]

  metaphysical distance working here right [TS]

  now I just this is always pressure he [TS]

  talks about is called love you so much [TS]

  since I met you I've been so happy [TS]

  except that i find myself worrying all [TS]

  the time [TS]

  Oh worrying that i might disappoint you [TS]

  worrying that relationship might and [TS]

  worrying that you might not be happy [TS]

  worrying that something might happen to [TS]

  you [TS]

  I guess I've fallen in love with you and [TS]

  I guess I worry so much because I co [TS]

  care so much about it like God fan [TS]

  well fuck you i love you so much [TS]

  sit populace shit fucked up all my ever [TS]

  heard it surprise you to learn a lot [TS]

  early so much i watch you breathe while [TS]

  you're sleeping and I think maybe about [TS]

  smother you [TS]

  sometimes when I think about how much i [TS]

  love you I watched you sleep and you [TS]

  look like a baby when it would it [TS]

  surprise you to learn that she has a lot [TS]

  of these i would not surprise me at all [TS]

  that because if you don't mind I think [TS]

  this is covered by fair use if you don't [TS]

  mind I would like to read you a short [TS]

  piece of verse by susan polished it's [TS]

  called thoughts of you it would not [TS]

  surprise me to learn that she had that [TS]

  she had a lot of dead rubber dolls [TS]

  straight back to this is a time it's [TS]

  five and waiting for years i'm so glad [TS]

  you made it to something 40 and so I [TS]

  want to send this is my shoot Susan [TS]

  polished it's not me it's called [TS]

  thoughts of you in the morning when the [TS]

  sign it's just starting to like the day [TS]

  I'm awaken [TS]

  my first slots are you at night I stare [TS]

  at the dark trees silhouetted against [TS]

  the quiet stars i'm in trance into a [TS]

  complete peacefulness and my less so [TS]

  it's a review [TS]

  haha here's the thing if you imagine [TS]

  this being a 50 year old woman was [TS]

  drinking tea it's really super sweet [TS]

  especially if it's her husband is sick [TS]

  or something right [TS]

  this would be so sweet imagine this [TS]

  being a 32 year old man who's cleaning a [TS]

  gun for human thoughts of you don't even [TS]

  want a year old woman who is drinking [TS]

  gym [TS]

  yeah you know like they're there and [TS]

  really even a 50 woman who's drinking [TS]

  tea i don't i don't want anyone to think [TS]

  of me as their last thought of the day [TS]

  and then their first thought of the next [TS]

  day thanks to John I gotta tell you [TS]

  somebody i think that i think if you're [TS]

  62 if you're 14 that is completely [TS]

  understandable because you're still 11 [TS]

  years from having the middle part of [TS]

  your brain finish forming right you [TS]

  remember how painful that was brutally [TS]

  painful and it's totally understandable [TS]

  and infuse the world just when you were [TS]

  14 if you wrote this when you were 32 [TS]

  year-old lone gunman or more you wrote [TS]

  this when you're out buying a used white [TS]

  van and I'm just telling you this is [TS]

  this is not right but if you wrote that [TS]

  when you were a 26 year old girl like [TS]

  who is beautiful in the flower dress and [TS]

  writing a vintage bicycle with flowers [TS]

  in the basket who I would love to get a [TS]

  poem from that girl if you if you wrote [TS]

  that even as that girl there is still [TS]

  something wrong with you there's no time [TS]

  after you are about 14 years old that [TS]

  that amount of obsession about another [TS]

  person [TS]

  ok let's let's let's stipulate this is a [TS]

  little bit like going after Rod McKuen [TS]

  we are we are shooting fish in a lovely [TS]

  flower barrel here well but and is also [TS]

  super creepy but also I'm I I recognize [TS]

  my I recognize that there are people who [TS]

  fall in love with one another and they [TS]

  call each other four times a day for the [TS]

  rest of their lives and they are happy [TS]

  and the rest of the world is just a [TS]

  backdrop to the play that they are [TS]

  writing for and about one another who [TS]

  but i cannot identify with that [TS]

  personally [TS]

  we think alike human clone and Jessica [TS]

  Tandy [TS]

  I doubt that they called each other four [TS]

  times a day [TS]

  no that's their jobs yeah I bet you that [TS]

  they high-fived on their way out the [TS]

  door in the morning [TS]

  yeah and then at night they SAT around [TS]

  and he played the piano and she told [TS]

  Reinbold stories and there were 45 you [TS]

  know a cary grant was there and they had [TS]

  like maybe like martinis or five friends [TS]

  they had martinis and then you know they [TS]

  went off to sleep in separate bedrooms [TS]

  because that's what people did then this [TS]

  is phrase you use and I want to get the [TS]

  exact quote screaming in your head the [TS]

  screaming in one's head there's a part [TS]

  of me that I don't want to sound cynical [TS]

  John as you know I never want to come [TS]

  off cynical as are you certainly don't [TS]

  thank you there's a part of me that [TS]

  thinks if you're calling anybody four [TS]

  times a day in my piece that's cute [TS]

  don't want to hear the screaming in your [TS]

  head that's exactly right hand and the [TS]

  and you know the devil dogs are nipping [TS]

  at your heels and who rather than keep [TS]

  running [TS]

  yeah for that 10 minutes you need to [TS]

  gossip but your breath [TS]

  how's your day how's it going over there [TS]

  oh good oh I'm just sitting here just [TS]

  thinking of you [TS]

  oh yeah i mean when i was when i felt [TS]

  that way about somebody I felt that way [TS]

  about Lori basler in 1980 that's a [TS]

  crushable name and I bought her a i went [TS]

  to the store valentine's day because we [TS]

  were required then even then we were [TS]

  required to buy Valentines for all of [TS]

  our classmates now you in retrospect [TS]

  that must drive you crazy [TS]

  oh it was it was awful there were some [TS]

  of my classmates who did not deserve a [TS]

  Valentine from and I did not want from [TS]

  them if they deserve anything it was not [TS]

  a Valentine it was it was another it's [TS]

  probably a strongly worded note from [TS]

  your mother with what they deserve for [TS]

  me was an empty space where Valentine [TS]

  would be but I a willful empty space [TS]

  that what this this is a deliberately [TS]

  black intentionally blank valentine this [TS]

  space intentionally blank i went to the [TS]

  store and I bought the one gross of [TS]

  cheap Valentine's for all my classmates [TS]

  that I was gonna sit and go like happy [TS]

  valentines day John happy valentines day [TS]

  John happy Americans John but i was so [TS]

  crazy about Larry Bosler that i spent [TS]

  what was at the time [TS]

  a large portion of my pile of quarters [TS]

  that I used to sit and pour over my head [TS]

  in my bed with the door closed I took a [TS]

  lot of the quarters that I keep in jars [TS]

  kept in jars and i bought Lori bachelor [TS]

  huge box of chocolates a giant red [TS]

  heart-shaped box of chocolates and I [TS]

  took it to school on valentine's day and [TS]

  everybody exchange their little paper [TS]

  Valentine's and I got a little paper [TS]

  Valentine from Laura Bassett said happy [TS]

  valentines day lori and i was ashamed [TS]

  and I did not give her the box of [TS]

  chocolates John and every day from [TS]

  februari 14th until the last day of [TS]

  school on jun 20th i open my locker and [TS]

  there was that big red box of chocolates [TS]

  and I looked at it and I said today's [TS]

  the day I'm going to give the box of [TS]

  chocolates to Lori basler and I never [TS]

  did and on the last day of school my dad [TS]

  came to help me clean out my locker and [TS]

  he said he opened the locker he was like [TS]

  looking at a big box of chocolates and [TS]

  he grabbed me 80 a problem soft oh my [TS]

  guys on it [TS]

  I'm very close to tears that's horrible [TS]

  did you get harder as you get a hard-on [TS]

  the eye and I want as a lorry lorry lor [TS]

  I did she touch Lori's the kind of game [TS]

  where you put a heart on the I l.a you [TS]

  rie oh my god that's a cute name Laurie [TS]

  basler did she tell him did you tell him [TS]

  what he was eating know i was i was [TS]

  covered in shame he was like why do you [TS]

  have this big box of chocolates here [TS]

  that's a great thing what I have a happy [TS]

  day they put it on the seat in the front [TS]

  we put it on the front seat of our [TS]

  chrysler newport imperial and you're [TS]

  hurt [TS]

  we drove home from school with my with [TS]

  all my papers in a plastic bag in the [TS]

  backseat and he was sitting and eating [TS]

  all the good chocolates out of it and [TS]

  saying like how this summer's gonna be [TS]

  great you're gonna go to tennis camp [TS]

  john Dunn well that's a good fucking [TS]

  love poem right there [TS]

  well and then to make matters worse then [TS]

  she died of leukemia no way I'm afraid [TS]

  son you're in a TV movie afraid you and [TS]

  they will you are your fucking water [TS]

  you're fucking robby benson shit John [TS]

  that's the worst that's right champ wake [TS]

  up champ what's up champ [TS]

  Old Yeller gonna take him out back he [TS]

  sees foamy that's all I'm so sorry [TS]

  that's not funny [TS]

  well no it's not but I mean obviously [TS]

  know many years later but I never did [TS]

  ever ever tell lori basler how I felt [TS]

  about her and how I felt about her was [TS]

  that I woke up every morning and was [TS]

  thinking about and i went to bed every [TS]

  night was thinking about it's so weird [TS]

  it's thick and in retrospect then when [TS]

  it always said and done it's probably [TS]

  just as well that you did not give her [TS]

  Susan polish it's a poem called be my [TS]

  valentine which which which ends the [TS]

  city to read that like I have committed [TS]

  to memory so I think it's kind of like [TS]

  four areas [TS]

  yeah let's see if I remember it says [TS]

  assistance to the scanning lets you [TS]

  remember I ok so it ends like this have [TS]

  fun with me and whatever we do work with [TS]

  me towards common goals dance with me to [TS]

  the rhythm of our love [TS]

  walk with me throughout life let us hug [TS]

  each other at every step in our journey [TS]

  forever in love [TS]

  do you know how sad would have been if [TS]

  you gave that to her on some candy [TS]

  well dance with me to the rhythm of our [TS]

  love hey sounds suspiciously like a rod [TS]

  stewart lyric but followed by i was [TS]

  listening to read that last night and he [TS]

  has American in his song where he says [TS]

  spread your wings and take me in em and [TS]

  I think he's talking about vaginal wings [TS]

  vaginal wings [TS]

  I think he's talking about labia [TS]

  bobbya1984 me to the rhythm of our love [TS]

  when you say it it sounds good [TS]

  you know that's a thing that i might say [TS]

  to a stand-up bass that's something I [TS]

  might as I'm as I wrapping my arms [TS]

  around a large states guitar bass milan [TS]

  knew who I might say dance with me to [TS]

  the river [TS]

  love can i don't wanna I don't make it [TS]

  too weird but when you think of when you [TS]

  think of the rhythm of your love I mean [TS]

  is there anything that isn't potentially [TS]

  is another thing I learned in poetry [TS]

  classes you know to be careful about [TS]

  saying something that could be [TS]

  interpreted more than one way because [TS]

  you don't know wrong wrong wrong and [TS]

  saying everything in a poem wants to be [TS]

  interpreted multiple ways yes but it has [TS]

  to have kind of concrete image there has [TS]

  to be there has to be something concrete [TS]

  about it and if it's open to [TS]

  interpretation i think that's ok but you [TS]

  don't want to write a bunch of holes [TS]

  like a whole thing of ellipses you know [TS]

  what I mean yeah right and i think [TS]

  that's it so is she talking about [TS]

  fucking yeah she's gonna be clear them [TS]

  of our level the hell is that I don't [TS]

  think I my boy is now your heart going [TS]

  from putting my heart going something I [TS]

  don't beat the sense that i don't like [TS]

  beets in the ground John but like once [TS]

  again what if you got that on a card [TS]

  from the 32 year old guy I know [TS]

  dance with me to the rules like what if [TS]

  what if what if you Travis Travis Bickle [TS]

  type situation and you taking time off [TS]

  from the campaign and you've gone out on [TS]

  a date to get to a dirty dirty movie [TS]

  theater and then you give you a poem [TS]

  like that [TS]

  mmm well it's just like the scene in the [TS]

  graduate why did he take her to that [TS]

  strip bar holy she's learned his hands [TS]

  little bit of his love [TS]

  holy shit you remember Travis Bickle [TS]

  love greeting cards to remember that who [TS]

  you know one time I was sitting in the [TS]

  bath in a house that I lived in with [TS]

  some people who had lots of piercings [TS]

  and those giant ear plugs that they make [TS]

  out of sink stoppers who this is a long [TS]

  time ago when that was still very [TS]

  transgressive and I was sitting in the [TS]

  city in the bathtub and somebody was [TS]

  doing a little laundry and the washing [TS]

  machine was one at the bottom of the the [TS]

  bottom it in the other room i could hear [TS]

  through the floor sitting in the [TS]

  bathroom and I i might have been i might [TS]

  have been very stoned but so the bath i [TS]

  was going to them with them with them [TS]

  thump and Men overhead there's a there's [TS]

  a jet airplane and the jet airplane is [TS]

  like [TS]

  because it because the jet engine noises [TS]

  is a cord right there's there's multiple [TS]

  sounds it makes it makes record the jets [TS]

  flying over and all of a sudden the cord [TS]

  of the the jet is making syncs up with [TS]

  the thumb of them the top of the washing [TS]

  machine and it makes this fantastic [TS]

  music and i'm writing between them not [TS]

  right in between them i'm closer to the [TS]

  to the washing machine that i am to the [TS]

  jet but i am the only I'm the only [TS]

  organism the only thing in the world [TS]

  except for maybe a termite that [TS]

  perceives this this this moment of of [TS]

  like natural music being made and I'm [TS]

  lying there in the bathtub and I'm like [TS]

  I am the i am the meat of this sandwich [TS]

  i am the i am the the receptor I'm yet [TS]

  you're like the only one there to hear [TS]

  it [TS]

  a tree fell in the forest and I was the [TS]

  only one there boom and and I felt like [TS]

  in a sense that was dancing with the [TS]

  rhythm of the world's love boo because [TS]

  that's happening right now to somebody [TS]

  you know what I mean somewhere in the [TS]

  world right now in Indonesia there's a [TS]

  guy sitting in a room and and and it's [TS]

  like it's like in the movie delicatessen [TS]

  there's somebody but the fucking on a [TS]

  bed next door and somebody else is [TS]

  sharpening a knife over here and he [TS]

  hears the song here's the music it'll [TS]

  come no one else hears the music that's [TS]

  what we're talking about [TS]

  she's usually so much better at this [TS]

  john i don't know i don't know what you [TS]

  get for money these days but I think [TS]

  maybe it's not a greeting card but I [TS]

  think you should definitely have some [TS]

  anonymous notes to people you have a lot [TS]

  of shots and best understands this music [TS]

  in a way that that the rest of us can [TS]

  only do you think she might be hearing a [TS]

  jet that isn't even flying over our [TS]

  heads right now it's a cracked i'm [TS]

  guessing listening to a little bit of [TS]

  the pros that you've decided that she is [TS]

  operating at a level of acuity she's in [TS]

  tune and she's gonna tune right in on [TS]

  you [TS]

  mm no I'm saying I do i do the car [TS]

  overheated I called up and pleaded [TS]

  there's help on the way I called you [TS]

  collect you didn't accept you had [TS]

  nothing to say some guys have all the [TS]

  luck [TS]

  yeah some guys on the brakes all the [TS]

  breaks yeah [TS]

  then where the gold hat if that moves [TS]

  sir if you can bounce high bounce for [TS]

  her to tell she cries lover will have it [TS]

  by bouncing lover i must have units [TS]

  late-september and I really should be [TS]

  back at school I think that I shall [TS]

  never see a poem lovely as a tree that [TS]

  are like the morning sun really shows [TS]

  your age doesn't have the morning sun [TS]

  when it's in your face really shows your [TS]

  that's not where I mean honey in my mind [TS]

  and in my eyes you're everything [TS]

  yeah that's sweet that would be really [TS]

  sweet to say somebody you look cold in [TS]

  the morning you know what you key in [TS]

  this in the sixties and early seventies [TS]

  I think you could still say that to your [TS]

  mrs. Robinson food your mrs. Robinson [TS]

  it's like talking about the Holocaust [TS]

  you get out of the way well you know but [TS]

  back then like a woman in her forties [TS]

  felt like she was in her forties you [TS]

  know what I mean like the morning sun [TS]

  when it's in your face it really shows [TS]

  your age and she's like I know I'm just [TS]

  let somebody sees my face in the morning [TS]

  but that don't matter that don't bother [TS]

  me now don't worry nice nowhere in my [TS]

  eyes you're everything and you know [TS]

  that's a turnaround whereas now a woman [TS]

  in her forties in my experience at least [TS]

  refuses to admit she's in her forties [TS]

  for the most part and if you make any [TS]

  comment about her face in the morning [TS]

  sun she's way ahead of you [TS]

  you know what I mean like all your face [TS]

  in the morning and she's like stop right [TS]

  there that's another conversation you [TS]

  just can't have [TS]

  that's right and you know what i was [TS]

  going to say that in my eyes you're [TS]

  everything that she's like no no no [TS]

  that's not what you're going to say shut [TS]

  up two dozen got this is this is another [TS]

  one of those things where there's words [TS]

  there's bad words right it's off the [TS]

  table [TS]

  that's right badly and yes a your face [TS]

  basically you don't see your face and [TS]

  Morning Sun to a woman who's older than [TS]

  yeah it sounds like a plan or one-on-one [TS]

  and get some Sun in your face [TS]

  yeah you just don't say you don't see [TS]

  your face in the Sun because the all it [TS]

  sounds like she's got like a damaged [TS]

  damaged skin right or you know like I [TS]

  can see you know she does [TS]

  want to hear i can see every cigarette [TS]

  you ever smoked God don't talk to mikey [TS]

  has found it time [TS]

  don't talk to me first thing in the [TS]

  morning is what you know I wake up and I [TS]

  say bring the first thought I had this [TS]

  morning was you your face in the morning [TS]

  sun and and i found a dime [TS]

  it is a crack made by all the cigarettes [TS]

  you smoke [TS]

  yeah I I'm sorry to seem obsessed with [TS]

  this is just like I could keep turning [TS]

  this over in my head I keep turning it [TS]

  over turning it over and and I i just-i [TS]

  can't-- really land on anywhere where [TS]

  I'm super comfortable about it [TS]

  yeah but this is not remember this jon [TS]

  is she had a whole section to shoot the [TS]

  chutes and choices poems she had her own [TS]

  section [TS]

  how would I remember that you even go to [TS]

  greeting cards course as a kid I went to [TS]

  greeting card stores being pulled by a [TS]

  team of horses and I and I managed to [TS]

  stop myself at the front door [TS]

  no I didn't go to greeting card stores i [TS]

  wouldn't go i did I never I never looked [TS]

  at a single self-help book my entire [TS]

  life there were whole sections of the [TS]

  bookstore that I stayed away from you [TS]

  just over military history not just [TS]

  military history but all kinds of [TS]

  history but also know all the exciting [TS]

  there are so many exciting parts of of a [TS]

  bookstore why would you go [TS]

  yeah to a section where people were [TS]

  trying to tell you that they were [TS]

  thinking about you you will we will [TS]

  never want to learn how to make [TS]

  intercourse never go over the inner core [TS]

  section I was very embarrassed to read [TS]

  about how to have sex you wouldn't just [TS]

  take it and carry it over to the tsr [TS]

  book section and we know that the [TS]

  dungeon master Scott I felt like a lot [TS]

  of things and this is part of the [TS]

  problem of being a romantic being born [TS]

  romantic is that I felt and then and [TS]

  this is a problem in the arts to where [TS]

  you feel like if you're going to be good [TS]

  at something you should just discover it [TS]

  true you should not you should not [TS]

  pollute your experience by by learning [TS]

  about something before you're actually [TS]

  trying to do it you know what I mean [TS]

  like to go read about how to have sex [TS]

  after you've tried to have sex a few [TS]

  times that makes sense to me like me [TS]

  ok I've done this now a few times and I [TS]

  want to [TS]

  figure out what doctors don't subscribe [TS]

  to that [TS]

  well no but you know every doctor then I [TS]

  know knew when they were 14 years old [TS]

  that they wanted to be a doctor [TS]

  that's because they're psychotic well [TS]

  exactly now when I was for a terrible HD [TS]

  decide you want to help people [TS]

  I didn't even know what I wanted to do [TS]

  is that afternoon and all of my friends [TS]

  that ended up being doctors were already [TS]

  like I'm gonna be a doctor but you guys [TS]

  are attending classes you got take [TS]

  biology you know I know and that [TS]

  terrifies me every time I go see a [TS]

  doctor [TS]

  I look at them and I realized you've [TS]

  been doing this since you were 14 you [TS]

  have no other experience of the world [TS]

  famous you are terrifying me now a few [TS]

  things are going to hire a really good [TS]

  soldier of fortune [TS]

  you know you're gonna go and you're [TS]

  gonna hire that you know that if that [TS]

  person is really good at their job [TS]

  they've seen this seen some shit they've [TS]

  been in the shipmates and decisions that [TS]

  they definitely the shit they made some [TS]

  decisions early on about where they're [TS]

  going to focus their attention [TS]

  yeah just down that the sites of our [TS]

  rifle probably when I was a when I was a [TS]

  young man I spent a lot of time in [TS]

  hospitals being treated by student [TS]

  doctors because I didn't have them [TS]

  I didn't have any insurance as a hobby [TS]

  no I didn't want me to get treated by a [TS]

  regular doctor and so I would go to the [TS]

  i would go to the university hospital [TS]

  and they would say yeah sure we'll take [TS]

  a look at your problem but there's going [TS]

  to be nine of us and every every one of [TS]

  the students whose whose incidentally [TS]

  your age there are each one of them is [TS]

  going to take a take a turn poking your [TS]

  liver and that's how you [TS]

  that's how you get free medical care you [TS]

  shouldn't have John if I could say if i [TS]

  visit the time I think they should have [TS]

  anybody poking liver nine times in a day [TS]

  well so I'm lying on a gurney and it may [TS]

  file and their the medical students and [TS]

  each one of them takes it takes a turn [TS]

  poking at me with the you-know-what [TS]

  there for cept and and I would sit there [TS]

  you know and and try and make light of [TS]

  the situation haha hey here we all are [TS]

  only one of us is covered in blood [TS]

  though and and then I would then they [TS]

  would you know give me some not [TS]

  effective treatment and and I would limp [TS]

  out of there but I saw a lot of young [TS]

  doctors a lot of student doctors in that [TS]

  time with their put their wide do we [TS]

  eyes [TS]

  and they're there you know that their [TS]

  sense that they were going to one day [TS]

  have a jet ski that's in their faces you [TS]

  know what I mean you look at her like [TS]

  they're like they're thinking porsche [TS]

  you know you're thinking so much about [TS]

  personalized license plate your [TS]

  residence your kind of hours they work [TS]

  on purpose if they did it's like it is [TS]

  it's like being with earlier me they [TS]

  deliberately it's part of the the the [TS]

  hazing that affects all of our [TS]

  healthcare that they have to work [TS]

  ridiculous numbers of hours [TS]

  yeah to weed out the weak to weed out [TS]

  the ones that don't deserve a portion [TS]

  with a personalized license plate to eat [TS]

  yet says dr. feelgood to weed out the [TS]

  ones who would take take one step back [TS]

  and go this is not good for people this [TS]

  yummy that portion or to you to weed out [TS]

  the ones that are like is there is there [TS]

  something else I should be doing like [TS]

  like like swimming in the Mediterranean [TS]

  right now or I don't know maybe maybe [TS]

  like this guy lying on the gurney maybe [TS]

  I should be drinking myself insensible [TS]

  every night getting in fistfights but no [TS]

  instead I'm you know I'm reading about [TS]

  the anterior cruciate ligament dreaming [TS]

  of that Porsche that's gonna make this [TS]

  all makes sense to me [TS]

  imagine the guy who did the first time [TS]

  John surgery can imagine how much that [TS]

  guy made who did the first Tommy is the [TS]

  ACL isn't the first thing is that you [TS]

  talk about the is the yeah remember [TS]

  Tommy John the picture he was the first [TS]

  buddy everything they started calling [TS]

  Tommy John surgery because it's [TS]

  something everybody all baseball players [TS]

  start started getting didn't read Batman [TS]

  comics when I was a kid not wasting no [TS]

  time at all [TS]

  now you know I didn't regard didn't i [TS]

  didn't like them you know Tommy John's [TS]

  baseball player though I yeah [TS]

  yes i agree he's not the one that took [TS]

  acid and pitched a perfect game [TS]

  no no I think it's right Stuart not a [TS]

  place i right [TS]

  I i have heard a guy that I've heard [TS]

  about this the guy was tripping balls [TS]

  and nobody got on base [TS]

  yeah tripping balls that bikini for his [TS]

  memoir ok [TS]

  oh my god that would be a great neighbor [TS]

  is memoir tripping balls [TS]

  you should be writing people anonymous [TS]

  letters about improvement opportunities [TS]

  and I should be coming up with the name [TS]

  of sports memoirs [TS]

  now let me as an aside Berlin yes I'm [TS]

  hearing a lot of digital artifacts [TS]

  ok do just exactly like Dropbox on I [TS]

  know I say that probably like you ask me [TS]

  that everytime and I don't but I'm gonna [TS]

  total robot by voice from you too and [TS]

  I'm having no packet loss from mine its [TS]

  I'm noticing now that i did not plug my [TS]

  dsl and we are doing this [TS]

  realest wireless all right why don't you [TS]

  let's do this [TS]

  but what if you get a sec could you go [TS]

  ahead and dsl yeah and Allah and the [TS]

  port in what does that mean [TS]

  pour it in and fucking a fucking thing i [TS]

  restart ok alright let me give me two [TS]

  minutes [TS]

  ok Tommy John alright but so much better [TS]

  is it better i think it's better to [TS]

  leave all the same I think we should [TS]

  blowing through the professionalism and [TS]

  there's so much i cut out every week [TS]

  John I don't know if you ever listen to [TS]

  the show but I cut out we record [TS]

  generally let's be honest we record for [TS]

  six to 11 hours and argue about religion [TS]

  for four hours and then I i cut out a [TS]

  down to the best 90 minutes every time [TS]

  but you leave in everything is all the [TS]

  stuff I've been saying about Charlemagne [TS]

  and Napoleon right [TS]

  oh gosh you have that whole [TS]

  three-episode arc just--just--just about [TS]

  Charlemagne who good who life that [TS]

  somebody heard that is he French is that [TS]

  right [TS]

  uh well Charlemagne was a was a was a [TS]

  frank he was a German really let's let's [TS]

  be honest he is better [TS]

  who but that was before he was always so [TS]

  clear cut though right yeah there were [TS]

  those before there was a really like [TS]

  clear division his is a his favorite to [TS]

  town the headquarters of his empire was [TS]

  rockin which is now in Germany but it [TS]

  was you know it was right on the border [TS]

  it's the westernmost town in Germany [TS]

  rockin food i'm glad i left all that [TS]

  includes yeah that's good stuff to [TS]

  follow up yeah [TS]

  Charlemagne and stuff i think it's [TS]

  important that people realize [TS]

  Merlin that you and I are human beings [TS]

  were not just two guys with a [TS]

  encyclopedic knowledge of everything [TS]

  with all of you but we should we are [TS]

  certainly not just that to be just that [TS]

  we are sometimes guys who forget to plug [TS]

  in their their dsl cables we are guys [TS]

  who [TS]

  can't lay their hands on their on their [TS]

  bail oh wait wait I got my belt areas i [TS]

  was so impressed that as so many people [TS]

  knew that my bell was from an old Parker [TS]

  Brothers called pit pit I I had not seen [TS]

  that game since i since i took the [TS]

  bailout of it [TS]

  John I will be completely honest with [TS]

  you I do promise you that I will laugh [TS]

  and cry with you I didn't promise you [TS]

  that I will help you achieve all you [TS]

  know holes but most of all I do promise [TS]

  you that I love you [TS]

  that's from a poem called i love you [TS]

  that's that's a hell of a promise mi [TS]

  promise you that i love you i think [TS]

  that's covered by fair use i just read [TS]

  the last few lines you know what it's [TS]

  not [TS]

  she doesn't say I promise you that I [TS]

  will love you she promises you that she [TS]

  loves you sooo scary is that something [TS]

  you really want assurance on you really [TS]

  want someone that feels like they was in [TS]

  the Godfather you know we have we have [TS]

  we really need to assure each other like [TS]

  lawyers like it did you know i mean the [TS]

  thing is people have this idea that [TS]

  unconditional love is the standard below [TS]

  which they will not accept any other [TS]

  kind of love and they end and somehow [TS]

  this idea that that any of us deserve to [TS]

  be loved unconditionally or that such a [TS]

  thing is even possible has become a [TS]

  thing that we tell each other and tell [TS]

  ourselves over back and forth until it [TS]

  seems normal until it seems normal until [TS]

  there are people of my own personal [TS]

  acquaintance who I know to be unlovable [TS]

  sacks of shit who believe that they [TS]

  deserve [TS]

  not just love not just not just the love [TS]

  of like their mother but unconditional [TS]

  love from a partner and i look at my go [TS]

  you can you are unlovable you're a [TS]

  disgusting person how do you feel like [TS]

  you deserve unconditional so if I [TS]

  understand what you're saying that [TS]

  you're saying that really for their own [TS]

  for practical purposes they should at [TS]

  least be open to conditions [TS]

  here's what I'm saying that all of us [TS]

  can only love conditionally and only [TS]

  warrant being loved conditionally [TS]

  ourselves that's a contract law we [TS]

  should we should come up with what you [TS]

  can fucking put up with [TS]

  that's right when you say to a kid who [TS]

  liked [TS]

  I love you but go clean up your room [TS]

  what you're saying is i love you but if [TS]

  you don't clean up your room i will stop [TS]

  loving you [TS]

  mm what's everybody understand that's a [TS]

  condition yeah i understand that that's [TS]

  a temporary that's a temporary love [TS]

  stoppage like until your room is clean [TS]

  like hangin with do like I like a lot of [TS]

  slow down that's right that's a lot of [TS]

  slow down [TS]

  it's like the guard that the love is [TS]

  going to pile up on the sidewalk was who [TS]

  is gonna start smell bad in the Sun Oh [TS]

  until you get the room clean and in our [TS]

  relationships with one another [TS]

  you see this happen all the time like oh [TS]

  yeah i mean i love you i love you i love [TS]

  you but you really screwed me out you [TS]

  really screwed the pooch last night on [TS]

  the whole like washing the dishes after [TS]

  dinner thing so I'm gonna be kind of [TS]

  pouty and respond monosyllabic Lee for [TS]

  an hour or two that's all conditional [TS]

  love conditions conditions conditions i [TS]

  I'll your feelings for Lori did you did [TS]

  you have conditions in mind when you [TS]

  when you didn't give her chocolates the [TS]

  general they put it this way if you had [TS]

  a chance to talk to her and she and she [TS]

  had given you anything more than let's [TS]

  be honest completely perfunctory fucking [TS]

  Valentine if you had a meeting of the [TS]

  minds with her as judge Wapner would say [TS]

  how what kind of contract would you both [TS]

  accept an offer to a lorry god rest her [TS]

  soul [TS]

  well here's the thing glory by all [TS]

  appearances had a crush on Brian nominee [TS]

  fucking Brian nominee and Brian mamunur [TS]

  first of all he was a horrible name he [TS]

  was a little teeny elf-like boy who was [TS]

  like the same size as the girls and he [TS]

  was pretty like the girls like [TS]

  non-threatening he had blonde feathered [TS]

  hair and it's not that he was [TS]

  particularly swab he was just he was [TS]

  like nick rhodes you know what I mean [TS]

  like he was he was a he was pretty [TS]

  pretty [TS]

  I didn't even dislike him I like Brian [TS]

  and he was completely inoffensive but [TS]

  why Lori basler should love Brian [TS]

  nominee or not even love it but just [TS]

  like she gets she gave him a lot of [TS]

  attention [TS]

  did you did you think she was aware of [TS]

  your other of your feelings I mean she [TS]

  never got you never got the heart she [TS]

  had to have been aware of them but then [TS]

  that is a mistake I've made my whole [TS]

  life assuming that they know the [TS]

  Commission [TS]

  assuming that the the person knows how I [TS]

  feel [TS]

  even though all my outward actions are [TS]

  to look away when they are there and I [TS]

  mean if we had inkwells I would have [TS]

  dipped her pigtails and me [TS]

  well she's no Howard oh my god that's [TS]

  such a great way to show that you love [TS]

  somebody she had blonde hair and she had [TS]

  a Dorothy Hamill haircut because that [TS]

  was the fashion at the time because of [TS]

  Dorothy Hamill because what you're [TS]

  awfully young so you're like eight eight [TS]

  or nine [TS]

  yeah eight to ten to twelve I mean was [TS]

  she was my first she was my first and [TS]

  really awful really the last time I ever [TS]

  felt that way about last time I let [TS]

  myself ever feel that way about somebody [TS]

  because who can take the heart [TS]

  heartbreak did I want to be 24 years old [TS]

  and have my dad eating that box of [TS]

  chocolates that self-same box of [TS]

  chocolates if I need that shit yeah did [TS]

  I want my dad like opening up the box [TS]

  with the engagement ring in it being [TS]

  like well this was free i don't know [TS]

  that i can't get away from the idea of [TS]

  the conditions but you hear that phrase [TS]

  so much you know it's one of those [TS]

  things on my additional people your [TS]

  people say things like incipient but you [TS]

  never heard them say sippy and like you [TS]

  he run your unconditional love you've [TS]

  never hear people talk about the obvious [TS]

  fucking elephant in the room which is [TS]

  what should be the conditions of love [TS]

  now that would you love that would be [TS]

  the conditions of love will be a [TS]

  potential riffic season polish its [TS]

  investment but one condition that most [TS]

  people put wasn't what I say when I say [TS]

  the conditions of love the conditions of [TS]

  life is good [TS]

  wasn't that a peter gabriel is it comes [TS]

  to Christmas tree McCarver stuff up but [TS]

  it looked a lot like this that people [TS]

  put on love is that the other person [TS]

  must love them unconditionally first you [TS]

  don't mean that's the number that's the [TS]

  number 1 i'm hanging with a pencil [TS]

  because I so agree with you you're [TS]

  absolutely fucking right [TS]

  yeah i'm gonna love my 19 that's not [TS]

  cool ah that's good there's the first [TS]

  you know what it is it's like asking the [TS]

  genie for more wishes you go in and you [TS]

  say here's here's the condition is you [TS]

  have you know tradition by persons I [TS]

  want five more wishes [TS]

  fuck you shut up it's all over for your [TS]

  own our ok but here's the thing John [TS]

  John you are scientists you're a [TS]

  rationalist your Hobbesian [TS]

  your man who's not afraid to argue with [TS]

  john vanderslice about the price of a [TS]

  trailer that was not going to be bought [TS]

  I'm still arguing with him harrowing [TS]

  harrowing moment my life I've seen you [TS]

  I've seen you argue with people about [TS]

  things that did not need to be argued [TS]

  about until I realized after hearing you [TS]

  argue about it [TS]

  it sure as shit needed to be argued [TS]

  about so here's what I'm saying to you [TS]

  your man is not have a John are you [TS]

  manage afraid to discussion can discuss [TS]

  condition [TS]

  absolutely not we should establish what [TS]

  the conditions are that's primary [TS]

  directive this is not what I signed up [TS]

  for these nacho chips in this [TS]

  fourteen-year-old girl in in my dressing [TS]

  room is not anything that's going to put [TS]

  gas in my fan correct [TS]

  exactly exactly don't try and pay me [TS]

  with dasani water i want american [TS]

  dollars that's talking raccoon aqua my [TS]

  friend you got so here's the thing you [TS]

  have it seems to me you have not only [TS]

  have no compunction you have the [TS]

  opposite compunction you have in [TS]

  compunction about going to people and [TS]

  fucking throwing down some conditions [TS]

  right you are you listening to me [TS]

  here's here's the first thing I say is [TS]

  what are your conditions all make them [TS]

  make them come over the price first yeah [TS]

  I'm not I'm not the guy was like here [TS]

  are my conditions [TS]

  that's not part of the problem with the [TS]

  manslayer trailer got to cut this whole [TS]

  thing out [TS]

  was it that was something you had not [TS]

  even completely negotiated the part you [TS]

  had negotiated have been renamed upon [TS]

  via third party that you had no of [TS]

  litigious control over cracked right [TS]

  I've never law school but it seems to me [TS]

  that that was the problem was that there [TS]

  was no there's a loophole in the [TS]

  condition try to hold it the whole [TS]

  business of like agreeing with somebody [TS]

  over the telephone about how something [TS]

  is going to go and then when you see [TS]

  them next they're like why did agree to [TS]

  that that is a real boy that's that [TS]

  that's gotta really sticking your legal [TS]

  cross it gets me going it really does [TS]

  how do you have any idea how to open the [TS]

  post negotiation settlement on something [TS]

  like that you point out you point out [TS]

  that you said something different on the [TS]

  phone you put you push fucking reality [TS]

  into their face you have to do it once [TS]

  who make it smell it you did this you [TS]

  did this they say if they say like I [TS]

  have no recollection then then it's just [TS]

  like well I mean then you have to have [TS]

  to retreat back to what what's at stake [TS]

  here like am I am i prepared to take [TS]

  this thing in this instance in this [TS]

  hypothetical instance this large van [TS]

  trailer hypothetical trailer that was [TS]

  just like WTF Emma and my primary market [TS]

  drive this trailer back to Washington [TS]

  from California [TS]

  who just on principle just on principle [TS]

  and my prepared to take this trailer [TS]

  back to Washington so many people would [TS]

  say now the answer is yes absolutely yes [TS]

  on principle i will take this trailer [TS]

  away from you I will burn this trailer [TS]

  in the desert rather than give it to you [TS]

  for one sending less than we agreed to [TS]

  on the phone right and expects it [TS]

  existentially user asst for you to be [TS]

  put in that situation you don't know [TS]

  you're the asshole i don't think so you [TS]

  don't do that you don't do the thing we [TS]

  were like oh yeah we'll figure that out [TS]

  when you get down here and then be like [TS]

  oh I thought we had it all figured out [TS]

  which was that you were going to take it [TS]

  in the shorts there's something just to [TS]

  think about I mean if you if you I don't [TS]

  actually read to the end of contracts a [TS]

  lot of the time but it seems to get it [TS]

  that the contract is where you both [TS]

  agree that something is going to happen [TS]

  by a certain date and and perhaps [TS]

  importantly what you know what the terms [TS]

  that are with it i think very [TS]

  importantly what happens if the [TS]

  conditions of this are not met [TS]

  it seems to me that that's part of the [TS]

  clarity of a contract right well and [TS]

  this is the problem because there was a [TS]

  time until very recently [TS]

  we're in a situation like that you could [TS]

  avail yourself of the option of punching [TS]

  them in the middle but we have convinced [TS]

  ourselves that civilization you require [TS]

  the legal that's a motive legal recourse [TS]

  up until recently it certainly why I [TS]

  think President Andrew Jackson punched a [TS]

  lot of guys in the next Magna Carta they [TS]

  said you're either your signature your [TS]

  brains are going on that thing John [TS]

  that's right and Charlamagne would take [TS]

  them out to the river and he would say [TS]

  convert to Christianity or try and [TS]

  breathe underwater [TS]

  is that right and that's that's how we [TS]

  know that you were true believer are bad [TS]

  it's like a dog ducking stool well or [TS]

  just like either either you're either [TS]

  we're going to have a Christian world or [TS]

  we're going to have a lot of dead people [TS]

  in this river harder easy [TS]

  that's right hardware the easy way so so [TS]

  it was not very it was until very [TS]

  recently that we we could still say like [TS]

  a punch in the nose is on the table here [TS]

  as one of a potential list of rewards [TS]

  and consequences as part of this [TS]

  negotiation it's implicit it's one of [TS]

  those things like don't show up naked [TS]

  like it's one of those things where I [TS]

  shouldn't have to tell you this [TS]

  yeah that's right in the night [TS]

  hold i will hold as a motive recourse [TS]

  fucking punching you in the face and I [TS]

  don't even need to say that right but we [TS]

  have decided as a culture as a [TS]

  civilization that punching people in the [TS]

  nose is barbaric and that when that we [TS]

  know it is no longer an option yet the [TS]

  behavior that would warrant a punch in [TS]

  the nose [TS]

  we have not evolved beyond it whoo right [TS]

  there are certain behaviors that people [TS]

  still exhibit all the time asshole [TS]

  isness douche itude these are behaviors [TS]

  that there's really no recourse except a [TS]

  punch in the nose like that that's the [TS]

  only that's the only appropriate [TS]

  response but we've taken the punch of [TS]

  punch in the nose off the table so you [TS]

  get these situations where someone is [TS]

  being a douche [TS]

  you can't punch them in the nose because [TS]

  that's uncivilized and so you are at an [TS]

  impure and an impasse you there you [TS]

  can't respond to a douche in any other [TS]

  way [TS]

  you can't argue with them you can't [TS]

  convince them you can't there's you [TS]

  don't eat there's nothing you can hold [TS]

  over their head so they're just they're [TS]

  just dancing in a field of flowers just [TS]

  do shit up and they know there are no [TS]

  consequences because if they left punch [TS]

  in the nose has been taken off the table [TS]

  if you even make a fist who you have [TS]

  become part you become part of the salt [TS]

  that counts of assault that's right the [TS]

  the threat of a punch in the nose is now [TS]

  considered a lot of people don't [TS]

  understand that the difference in [TS]

  assault and battery and here's the thing [TS]

  i'm like anybody I don't want to get [TS]

  punched in the nose [TS]

  no I agree that punching people in the [TS]

  nose is barbaric [TS]

  I've been punched in the nose unlike a [TS]

  lot of my contemporaries I have good [TS]

  reason to not want to be punched in the [TS]

  nose and let me tell you the fear of the [TS]

  threat of being punched in the nose [TS]

  actually it actually changed my behavior [TS]

  at a certain point I was getting punched [TS]

  in the nose with surprising regularity [TS]

  and I wanted it to stop and I just [TS]

  saying started holding up your side of [TS]

  the bargain because she was on the table [TS]

  well this kit this gives it either this [TS]

  is a bass conspiracy or I'm getting [TS]

  punched in the nose because of something [TS]

  i'm doing and then I started to say [TS]

  maybe I should stop being such a flaming [TS]

  asshole the people who are bigger than [TS]

  me or have violent eyes [TS]

  and I and I and I became a more i became [TS]

  a more moderated person and and [TS]

  unfortunately I do not like to be the [TS]

  one who delivers punches in the nose [TS]

  either but there are those certain [TS]

  situations in in life when someone at [TS]

  the supermarket does not keep moving [TS]

  does not get out of the way when you ask [TS]

  them to either keep moving or get out of [TS]

  the way preferably both [TS]

  because let's keep moving and get out of [TS]

  the way that's what able to you and they [TS]

  give you some horseshit entitlement [TS]

  lecture about your shopping like you're [TS]

  stepping on their obscure religion [TS]

  yeah and you look at him and you go the [TS]

  threat of a punch in the nose is the [TS]

  only that is the only thing i have here [TS]

  now that's the only it's the only the [TS]

  situation warrants at first of all but [TS]

  also it's my only recourse and yet if i [TS]

  do it [TS]

  this person is going to literally call [TS]

  the police and then i'm going to be the [TS]

  guy you said you guys were you lose your [TS]

  place in line to you know you lose your [TS]

  place in you lose your place in the big [TS]

  line which is the line up to the head of [TS]

  the class where people where people [TS]

  start listening to your podcast you know [TS]

  what I mean like you don't you lose your [TS]

  lot you you lose primogenitor boom you [TS]

  don't splashed across the headlines [TS]

  john-john Roderick punches only in the [TS]

  face because of the conditions John I i [TS]

  have i've had situation like this like a [TS]

  few haters are greatly where I was at a [TS]

  an event and I and some guide some drunk [TS]

  guy was shouting in my face and it was a [TS]

  hectic situation a lot of people there [TS]

  was kind of a brawl a lot of people were [TS]

  falling down other people were in [TS]

  trouble people shouting my name like [TS]

  come help me and this is in my face and [TS]

  shouting in my face and it's getting [TS]

  spit on [TS]

  yes I told him a couple of times like [TS]

  you need to please like step away from [TS]

  me please back up please do not shut in [TS]

  my face and he's drunk right so he's not [TS]

  so any believes that that excuses him or [TS]

  at least you know that he believes that [TS]

  he is funnier than he is [TS]

  he believes he's smarter than he is and [TS]

  he's quicker with it and that he's as [TS]

  faster reflexes than he does he's right [TS]

  there in my face and he said something [TS]

  about how they're gonna be consequences [TS]

  he's talking about a friend of mine [TS]

  that's across the room it's calling my [TS]

  name is in between me and this guy there [TS]

  are gonna be consequences blah blah and [TS]

  I said well I don't even remember how it [TS]

  happened but I was like there are gonna [TS]

  be consequences [TS]

  Wow and I I punched him right in the [TS]

  nose and unfortunately it was it was a [TS]

  well landed punch in the nose and he [TS]

  began to bleed all over the place and i [TS]

  have to say that it did not let me [TS]

  punching this guy in the notes did not [TS]

  deescalate the situation world worldwide [TS]

  like in the room in the spilling out [TS]

  onto the sidewalk [TS]

  now it was a free-for-all and he was [TS]

  screaming in the aid car came with the 8 [TS]

  car under the ambulance [TS]

  oh I thought everyone is yellow light [TS]

  things but it's not quite the police [TS]

  no no community community pretty service [TS]

  people that bed pulled bums out of [TS]

  dumpsters just sounds like about I think [TS]

  work there for him they were there for [TS]

  some other person who have gotten hurt [TS]

  in in some other aspect of this brawl [TS]

  but here i was i punch this time in [TS]

  those I felt like such a a ding-dong [TS]

  and then he then it after you mean he [TS]

  certainly retreated but then when he was [TS]

  surrounded by people who are like [TS]

  petting his hair and telling them is [TS]

  going to be ok he got bold again and [TS]

  then with blood on his shirt [TS]

  he stands up and confronts me again [TS]

  screaming and now now these getting [TS]

  blood on me and I punched him in the [TS]

  nose again [TS]

  oh and I'm know I'm really not proud of [TS]

  it but the but the problem was that the [TS]

  following day he took it to Facebook [TS]

  this is as recently as Facebook yeah [TS]

  this is just this very recently i'm not [TS]

  proud of the story but he took it to [TS]

  Facebook and was accusing me and it [TS]

  turns out turns out who he was gay [TS]

  oh so you use a hate crime so hate crime [TS]

  and he turned it into a thing where I [TS]

  was I [TS]

  I had gay bashed him i'll come on buddy [TS]

  was kids like crazy drunk guy in his [TS]

  friends were not like grabbing him and [TS]

  pulling him away his friends were all [TS]

  drunk too and they were just they were [TS]

  it was one of those things where they [TS]

  had they were living in a world where [TS]

  they believed they were postponed chin [TS]

  the nose her right and so you can get up [TS]

  in somebody's face in a bar drinking [TS]

  getting us than the one sober guy in the [TS]

  bars face drunken spittle on him [TS]

  screaming at him about about bullshit [TS]

  and telling them that they're going to [TS]

  be consequences and all this stuff and [TS]

  you believe you're living in a post [TS]

  punch in the nose reality and and then [TS]

  you get punched in the nose and you [TS]

  realize you are not in a post punch in [TS]

  the nose reality that maybe it must be [TS]

  if i may say rather sobering it was well [TS]

  but then when when when he sobered up [TS]

  and when he won't he weighed this [TS]

  situation he again believed he was [TS]

  living in a punch post in the Pope but [TS]

  post punch in the nose reality because [TS]

  he began to threaten legal action he [TS]

  began to call it a hate crime he did all [TS]

  these things all these kind of like [TS]

  shaming tactics and the end this and and [TS]

  and operating it operating on the [TS]

  assumption that a punch in the nose [TS]

  above all else like to resort to [TS]

  physical violence in a scenario where [TS]

  you are being let us say emotionally [TS]

  balanced gaya tacitly like threatening [TS]

  violence against you [TS]

  he's talking about consequences and [TS]

  stuff that's in that that's the thing [TS]

  when you were people who are living in a [TS]

  post punch in the nose world they they [TS]

  can they believe they can get up in your [TS]

  face and talk about that they're going [TS]

  to be consequences and be physically [TS]

  threatening but that they that the but [TS]

  sets a punch in the nose is impossible [TS]

  then they aren't actually being [TS]

  physically threatening they don't they [TS]

  they don't perceive themselves as [TS]

  threatening violence even though [TS]

  everything they're doing is suggesting [TS]

  that but what do you think it's like to [TS]

  pro wrestlers on the phone [TS]

  yeah like that's gonna happen they think [TS]

  it is a giant costume drama or they [TS]

  think that it'sit's something that [TS]

  they've seen it on television where [TS]

  people get up in each others face [TS]

  and that that is that that happens in a [TS]

  vacuum and then it isn't like it isn't a [TS]

  hundred thousand year old tradition of [TS]

  escalating a situation until somebody [TS]

  punched someone else in the note and its [TS]

  really at I like I confess to being a [TS]

  little bit prehistoric in this regard [TS]

  that there are some situations where [TS]

  particularly if you're standing on my [TS]

  shoes and spitting in my face [TS]

  it does not matter what your sexual [TS]

  orientation is and nothing could be more [TS]

  paternalistic or more i don't want to [TS]

  say homophobic but nothing could be more [TS]

  paternalistic than going [TS]

  you are such a flaming asshole who is [TS]

  threatening me with violence and now i'm [TS]

  going to sit here and parts your [TS]

  sexuality I don't think that's how it [TS]

  works well I'm not about that that's [TS]

  that was the least of my concerns that [TS]

  the because he was also a university [TS]

  person and he was told he was you know [TS]

  threatening all the different levels of [TS]

  which this wasn't this was bottled [TS]

  university person by which i mean he was [TS]

  a graduate student so dear me so he had [TS]

  all of the language so he could write a [TS]

  three day at dissertation about you he [TS]

  could he could write a very good [TS]

  gracious your leaders from the word [TS]

  thesis very long series of facebook post [TS]

  but of course what he didn't know is [TS]

  that i'm also that i'm also an amateur [TS]

  lawyer so I know haha i knew that he [TS]

  didn't know what he was talking about [TS]

  and I just I just blocked it Collin [TS]

  County I'm blocking your counselor was [TS]

  like tell you what go ahead [TS]

  yeah and it get all your friends all [TS]

  real upset about it but what of the [TS]

  whole point of this was that I became [TS]

  conscious at that point of being a [TS]

  public figure and all the sex was not [TS]

  that I was a guy in a bar who had [TS]

  punched an asshole in the nose but it [TS]

  was that I was a person whose whose name [TS]

  was recognizable and who was a [TS]

  recognizable character and so this guy [TS]

  had you know it's the it's the ice build [TS]

  McDonald's coffee in my lap and I'm [TS]

  suing them for a billion dollars for her [TS]

  his reaction was not go measure it with [TS]

  with the with the incident you know that [TS]

  coffee actually was too hot i know it [TS]

  was ok [TS]

  the coffee's too hot tubs too hot I [TS]

  can't flew all the way down here [TS]

  yeah we got about put all this liquor [TS]

  just for you that we got one piece that [TS]

  we got the small chair just for you and [TS]

  your [TS]

  never happy about money and doing some [TS]

  money it's too hot but I still watch [TS]

  that once a month but the bed but but he [TS]

  then was you know he was blowing his [TS]

  injury out of proportion i mean really [TS]

  he posted a picture of himself he didn't [TS]

  look terrible [TS]

  haha oh yeah black guys but I mean I [TS]

  know that there are people who are [TS]

  listening to this who are saying to [TS]

  themselves [TS]

  I don't want to be punched in the nose [TS]

  nobody wants to be punched in there [TS]

  that's why that's why is there don't [TS]

  think punching someone in the nose an [TS]

  appropriate reaction but i don't think [TS]

  it is i don't think it should be on the [TS]

  list of consequences that we have in [TS]

  civilized society and and I'm afraid [TS]

  that i agree with you i don't like to be [TS]

  punched in the nose either i don't like [TS]

  punching someone but this is this is [TS]

  this is the point is the point of the [TS]

  whole thing this is where the conditions [TS]

  come back don't want to be punched in [TS]

  the nose don't drunkenly stand on [TS]

  somebody's shoe tops now is it's [TS]

  absolutely true i mean here's my lasagna [TS]

  is he that should be on the front page [TS]

  should be on the the title page of be a [TS]

  the owners manual for being an adult [TS]

  that you would they were the TA for [TS]

  whatever he was writing on facebook your [TS]

  note in the margin would be you need to [TS]

  spend a little more time on the history [TS]

  of what used to be like in pre punch in [TS]

  the nose culture that's right you need [TS]

  to be ready the fact is going to be [TS]

  traditional there's gonna be there's [TS]

  gonna be people who still like the [TS]

  Shakers like the friends there are [TS]

  people who still cling to these values [TS]

  you know just because they don't own a [TS]

  car doesn't mean they can't run you over [TS]

  with something you know that's true okay [TS]

  i think a lot of people think that they [TS]

  are smaller than they are like they they [TS]

  inhabit their own body and their own [TS]

  soul and they think that they are [TS]

  smaller and less significant than they [TS]

  appear to be two other people you know [TS]

  so this guy his perception of himself [TS]

  it was probably that he was an elfin [TS]

  delicate flower that now is obvious to [TS]

  everyone and he does not realize that he [TS]

  is a five foot eleven screaming monster [TS]

  of an alcoholic and so his reaction to [TS]

  being punched in the nose is somewhat [TS]

  based on his self perception of being [TS]

  like this defenseless victim [TS]

  that he's that he's felt like he's been [TS]

  his whole life and in actual fact most [TS]

  people who feel like victims i mean most [TS]

  of the people who are like cutting you [TS]

  off in traffic who are being total talks [TS]

  to you and that in the supermarket if [TS]

  you really get to the bottom of their [TS]

  problem it is that they feel like a [TS]

  victim all the time they feel like [TS]

  everybody steppin on them and that's why [TS]

  they're justified in being and being a [TS]

  shithead of all day food [TS]

  well as somebody who really is a giant [TS]

  pussy I'm not qualified to really [TS]

  address this i mean i like um and and [TS]

  and amateur lawyer as well it seems to [TS]

  me though that there actually was an [TS]

  opportunity for both of you here to [TS]

  learn you have a new I mean I'm not [TS]

  saying that you taught him a lesson [TS]

  quote-unquote the real lesson would have [TS]

  been talking to him after about why you [TS]

  fucking punched him in the nose and say [TS]

  hey look I used to be that guy I've been [TS]

  punched in the nose a lot i've been you [TS]

  really want to try with alcoholism it is [TS]

  that it clouds your thinking and it [TS]

  makes you not interesting [TS]

  makes you not interesting [TS]

  to talk to me what I learned in that was [TS]

  that I even though i had not punch [TS]

  somebody in the nose in many years I [TS]

  still I still was able to do it first [TS]

  and walk and walk away you know feeling [TS]

  pretty good about myself first [TS]

  not good about myself what's that let me [TS]

  I mean I felt I felt ashamed because i [TS]

  believe me i've drank the five-time I've [TS]

  had more than a few cups of the kool-aid [TS]

  that says that violence is not a [TS]

  solution [TS]

  okay i so i did not feel good about it [TS]

  but when I replayed the events i [TS]

  absolutely arrived at that punch in the [TS]

  nose moment and each time punched him in [TS]

  the nose of new you replay you replay it [TS]

  in your head you know yeah I really [TS]

  every I replay all these podcasts in my [TS]

  head I don't listen to them [TS]

  no but I replay them and I think should [TS]

  i have punch Merlin the nose at that [TS]

  point know i shouldn't've he's a long [TS]

  well i hope i never i hope i've never [TS]

  gotten completely to that point that the [TS]

  the product that the major progress that [TS]

  I've made in life is at has been [TS]

  gradually coming to an understanding [TS]

  that i am NOT a victim of anything of [TS]

  anyone you're taking power in your life [TS]

  well it isn't even that it's just [TS]

  eliminating the eliminating the sulky [TS]

  option of feeling like other people are [TS]

  inflicting life on me that everything [TS]

  that everything bad happen business [TS]

  hasn't visited points this is something [TS]

  Susan polish us has addressed she says [TS]

  this life is yours take the power to [TS]

  choose what you want to do and do it [TS]

  well take the power to control your own [TS]

  life no one else can do it for you take [TS]

  the power to make your life happy [TS]

  Susan polish shuts so she didn't use the [TS]

  word love once in that poem i can read [TS]

  the whole thing [TS]

  Oh take the power so she's take this is [TS]

  yours [TS]

  she's got a little and Randy there oh [TS]

  yeah take the power bill the rail right [TS]

  kick the power asshole would be more I [TS]

  Rand right [TS]

  OIC way to way to correct my [TS]

  pronunciation sorry Ron ain't on Lion [TS]

  Rock lobby [TS]

  it's a mug synthesizers not a movie it's [TS]

  a mode [TS]

  man was she sick for a long time Lauri [TS]

  you know we went to different high [TS]

  schools and so I in one sense i only saw [TS]

  her one more time which was at a cross [TS]

  country running meet my junior year in [TS]

  high school and this was right in right [TS]

  in the that moment where right [TS]

  it was after i decided it was after [TS]

  really that my dad decided that i was [TS]

  going to be a cross-country runner but [TS]

  before we all realized that cross [TS]

  country running was not gonna that was [TS]

  not the way i was going to get into the [TS]

  Olympics my first kind of cross country [TS]

  running meet the the other kids on the [TS]

  team I never run cross country and the [TS]

  other kids on the team were like what [TS]

  you have to do is you know we all [TS]

  started a big group of people get this [TS]

  you have to get out in front to get out [TS]

  in front of everybody because otherwise [TS]

  you get you get back in the pack and you [TS]

  can't move and I was like okay right get [TS]

  out in front of everybody and the gun [TS]

  went off and I sprinted and by the time [TS]

  we got to the half mile mark of this 10k [TS]

  race I was 200 yards in front of the [TS]

  next closest runner and I said to myself [TS]

  I am The King of this sport [TS]

  why is no one ever done this before i am [TS]

  the greatest cross-country runner in the [TS]

  world i'm not even tired and I am I [TS]

  can't even see me I'm so far ahead and [TS]

  people cheering they were like he's a [TS]

  genius and we rounded that first turn [TS]

  and we headed up that first Hill and [TS]

  about halfway up that first Hill my [TS]

  heart turn to stone and i could not I [TS]

  could not get enough air in my lungs no [TS]

  matter how hard I tried to breathe and [TS]

  one by one every runner from every high [TS]

  school in the state of Alaska ran past [TS]

  me as I gasped for breath and this year [TS]

  is the cheering die down the cherry died [TS]

  down and that you know at the two [TS]

  kilometer mark i was i was limping like [TS]

  a flogged mule and i had to continue to [TS]

  run that race just like I mean [TS]

  like like a war veteran I like a man [TS]

  save you all right with with with [TS]

  crippled legs but pressures off [TS]

  yeah i was I yeah like turkey legs and [TS]

  Iran I when I cross the finish line all [TS]

  the other all the other runners from all [TS]

  the other schools were already on the [TS]

  bus [TS]

  haha in sweats and I dragged my ass [TS]

  across that thing I lay on the grasp lay [TS]

  on the grass gasping and you know and no [TS]

  one really had anything nice to say [TS]

  everybody just kind of like a good [TS]

  effort or whatever I don't think my dad [TS]

  was I think my dad was in the car [TS]

  listening to eight track tapes but home [TS]

  the pork shoulders haha Pennsylvania [TS]

  6-5000 [TS]

  that's pretty good [TS]