Roderick on the Line

00: “Suit of Vomit”

 

  hello hello how are you

  well how are you against timely oh no

  it's uh it's ok I was early

  mm um do you remember that time we went

  out and got a stake when I was in

  seattle when you're pretty nice not

  nothing really really nice place but

  they so we sat outside and we have a

  steak remember that we got to guess what

  about our friends

  yeah I mean we have gotten a lot of

  steaks

  maybe we should cover that but yeah I do

  remember this one particular time

  that's a circle back don't talk more

  about steaks but i think that's the

  first time I ever heard some money order

  and order Arnold Palmer is it possible

  that that was the first time i heard

  that in that it was you that did that it

  was almost certainly me and I guess it's

  possible it was the first time I Arnold

  Palmer's have really exploded in

  popularity lately

  this is this is the reason I'm late you

  know you're having a morning Arnold

  Palmer I got into a terrible habit you

  know how can be with the abusing any

  substance

  yeah it starts out simple enough yeah I

  started out the gateway drug for me was

  the snapple the lemon tea snapple iced

  it was terrible stuff the those people

  are like abortion clinic bombers yes

  very much like nazi abortion diversity

  build the abortion clinic they let the

  abortions happen then they bombed the

  clinic

  mhm getting going both ways east and

  west mmm yeah 911 was a conspiracy

  yeah it was faked what's was a circus

  are back on that ok I i started the

  gateway drug for me this is quick the

  the first thing was the I don't know why

  I did I looked at the back

  I'm trying to avoid the hfcs just high

  fructose corn syrup

  I think it's bad for you you know it and

  I don't think sugar is good for you but

  I'm trying

  dunno y like I'm I'm on board with that

  particular trend that I i suspect that

  might be liberal health food store

  overprotective mom

  really I you know I'm various I'm very

  suspicious of all of those you think

  that once you think that's one of those

  fake things i don't know i mean where I

  mean after it's been processed so much

  that all that's left in it is like

  hydrocarbons right so if you believe

  that processing is inherently bad but

  that seems like a spiritual argument

  right the thing itself isn't isn't any

  worse for you than sugar cane the the

  molecules aren't any worse

  sure about that I don't know but it just

  seems like it you know it seems like

  it's one of those things where it's just

  there

  the argument is that it's been processed

  so much that like that

  healthful spirits have been taken out of

  it the natural sprites the natural elves

  of Health have been chased out and all

  that's left is something like is some

  Hitler crystal that neck sends you

  marching into pasture gone and nothing

  is left

  nothing's left the elf new and very old

  hustlers right they moved out it's all

  gone

  although let me tell you who i was to

  find a stockpile of very old hustlers or

  else hostlers I would horse certainly

  definitely help hustlers got PBS scan

  some people some people also cards i

  hustle elves they lock up the rainbow

  your watch that star hustler remember

  star hustler hit members only jacket

  zipped all the way up and he's very

  excited about about the sky maybe didn't

  get that you have in florida i think you

  had different PBS than we did we

  integrate different everything now

  here's the problem is i don't know if

  it's the high the fuck is the corner

  this Europe I don't even know where the

  problem isn't just called fuck tous that

  I fucked us corn syrup made from the

  best stuff on earth

  oh i thought i was in the clear but

  here's the thing i went there today I

  don't know why I try to get a coffee I

  didn't have time to get a coffee i want

  to have something to pump me up so you

  keep up with you and I went in they were

  out of the lemon tea so I got I thought

  of you and I picked up this is the fun

  part for this it's arnold palmer light

  half-and-half arnold palmer brain

  and light and big red with white little

  white letters on a half and half iced

  tea lemonade it's light didn't have

  anything but the light just like the

  CFL's where they were saving ten percent

  by making a 90 watt bulb 91 bulb that

  needs to be disposed of in a hazmat

  container because it's full of mercury

  and um but so you're telling me that

  Arnold Palmer drink now is branded

  arnold palmer drink and it's in a can

  yeah this is a 20-ounce bottle its

  slender and tall

  it's kinda like almost like a smart

  water form factor it's kinda and it's

  got a kind of a not a tripartite what

  would you call it a trip tik of him on

  the front of me as a young guy with when

  there's a bunch of other snapshots on

  here to prove that this is arnold palmer

  to to sell this product to a generation

  of kids who have never heard of Arnold

  Palmer's view encounter in arnold palmer

  product that only has four pictures of

  Arnold Palmer on it turn it away it's

  literally hitler poison is this is john

  66 pictures of golfing legend arnold

  palmer but the one they chose for the

  main one of the of the trick is is him

  looking a little like you can't decide

  whether he's confused or mad he looks it

  looks a little bit all see he's just

  staring off in one direction but yeah

  this is your great by one dollar but uh

  you don't you don't worry that much

  about what you put in your body and you

  know that's not true i doing i do and in

  fact Arnold Palmer's have always for me

  been an opportunity to to craft a drink

  out of a mixed set of ingredients like

  app for me an Arnold Palmer is a is an

  entry-level fruity pleaser and a free

  did you make up that phrase fruity

  pleaser

  yeah you use it a lot use it on tour

  you'd mention a light yet the keys in an

  interview you did you invent that term

  just a curiosity

  well no but it was invented for me by my

  long-time bartender who's name is Jeff

  sparks who now owns his own bar here in

  Seattle called the dexter in hayes and I

  went into his bar

  after I quit drinking and I sat down at

  the bar and I was like well I quit

  drinking

  no way yeah and he said that that bodes

  ill for my business and I said yeah well

  hit you a cherry juice and soda

  I'm spreading the suffering around you

  know like I have to quit drinking so

  fuck you and and he said well let's see

  i we need to make you a drink and he you

  know he made what it what would be what

  what would be a suicide or a graveyard

  except out of mixed fruit juice instead

  about a pop so cranberry orange

  grapefruit little bit of the maraschino

  cherry water you know like you guys

  interested you guys open for them once I

  think maraschino cherry water yeah they

  were they were amazing but and they were

  like they were ahead of this whole

  Tweety rock thing yes but anyway so he

  called it a fruity pleaser and and it

  and it's been fruity please forever

  since and I thinking and most of the

  bars in seattle now if you say fruity

  pleaser to the bartender

  yeah and they know you're talking about

  I think you just first of all well

  second of all I i like the fact that you

  have introduced some entropy to this

  it's going to be a different drink every

  time I like that but first of all I

  think you found your version of the

  Arnold Palmer I think you need to brand

  this I don't know how you I don't know

  you could pass the FDA and putting that

  out but I'm telling you

  fruity pleaser right and it's different

  every time we don't know it might be

  good might be bad they don't use might

  be from concentrate

  that's the nature of the fruity pleaser

  and that's the thing sometimes you go

  into an ice bar you order fruity pleaser

  and the fruit juice has that kind of

  vaguely moldy tastes like it's been

  sitting in a it's been sitting in the

  gun or sitting in the freezer for too

  long you know what I mean like you go

  into a bar sometimes your fruit was

  always in those way if you worked in

  bars more than me but yeah I think ever

  being this white plastic containers that

  nobody really rinses very well and it's

  a mixer let's be honest it's a mixture

  that's gonna go with usually barbarro

  well well well brands somebody's

  somebody's going to get us something

  something whiskey

  and coke or something right the cook

  comes out of the shooter you got a gun

  what you call that we call that a gun

  you got the kind but i don't think a lot

  of care by and large your typical

  Seattle bar I don't want to project I

  don't get a lot of care going into

  renting this what you want a lot of

  hours it'll take 40 please are in some

  ways the juice actually like orange

  juice cranberry juice is also coming out

  of the gun so it's going past some moldy

  coca-cola molecules on its way not to

  make this all about molecules but it's

  going to pass these models is all about

  Hitler and but the thing is in seattle

  and portland and other super irritating

  American communities you can I mean now

  sometimes i go into a bar in order

  fruity pleaser and the bartender sits

  and hand squeezes five limes two

  grapefruits up a pineapple watermelon

  like he makes me a drink that by all

  rights should cost twenty-five dollars

  because of the the care that's gone into

  it and it's some of those fruity

  pleasers are the best drinks ever had

  but so I think of an Arnold Palmer as in

  that class of like this is something

  that somebody's gonna make for you out

  of what they have at the bar

  notnot something in a can but i love

  this i love this fruity please are in a

  can idea that's a yea I think it's

  different

  well this is the thing I mean you're

  getting older I why I assume that I

  assume you're getting heavier

  no it's getting harder and harder for

  you to move 0 2 i'm like great violence

  Brando lying on the backseat of a car

  being driven by michael jackson and

  Elizabeth Taylor is sitting in the

  passenger seat and I'm yelling stop it

  cannot be fried chicken Michaels

  Michaels just in tears I don't want to

  go to the jack-in-the-box again sergeant

  fried chicken

  I but it's gonna get hard to move is

  what i'm saying so you're going to

  extend your brand in in wholesome ways

  and ways that scale well you know you

  wanna enterprise-class beverage that you

  can put your name somebody like you

  you have you have a lot of what's the

  word haha infamies the wrong word famous

  certainly the wrong word but people have

  heard of you

  they might be annoyed

  probably thirsty notoriety John do you

  go into stores do you realize how many

  drinks there are in stores now there's

  so many drinks and so I can't stand it I

  can't stand it i walked down those drink

  Isles and I just feel like it's just one

  more way I'm being assaulted

  I'm being honest I'm being I'm being

  sodomized by America

  yeah like real i like yeah okay sorry

  you remember going to your moms that I

  don't mean to keep interrupting you know

  i got it i know it in to get it

  yeah but did you remember going to the

  grocery store to get beer back in the

  old days when when when at least one I

  drank beer there were seven kinds of

  beer

  yeah now there's 750 kinds of beer and I

  don't know you got artist artists and no

  one's got mexican with tomatoes in it

  there are different sizes now are

  disabled artists and authors i know

  that's a big in portland artisanal bread

  are saying we're yeah you making all

  kinds of you know small small small cask

  small cask artisanal beers

  yeah go ahead i think that you know I

  think the canonical pronunciation of

  that word is artisanal but artists anal

  I don't know it residents were announced

  canonical just transferred canonical

  coming up could non-melanoma goal

  setting aside that I have no idea who

  needs that much selection

  I mean let's be honest what here's the

  corn problem the corn problem is there's

  a lot of fucking corn much much of which

  has been subsidized by the fucking

  government there's all kinds of course a

  whole documentary about the corn is corn

  together children of the corn sure her

  sure you got but here's the thing

  it'sit's like the whole economy falling

  apart thing three trillion dollars had

  to find a home and so it went into a lot

  of bullshit and they didn't check

  people's credit so nobody paid it back

  and now that's why nobody is to have a

  house anymore and that's the thing

  there's all that corns gotta land

  somewhere and I got imagine that that is

  a big part of the h f c+ night I went to

  the safeway I gotta get milk for my

  daughter we're out of milk

  I gotta go I go to the safeway there are

  probably seven or eight of those big

  wide milk

  alpert like doors basically was like six

  doors of milk right it's completely

  baffling that there's like there's

  always like so a chocolate

  there's no lactose lactose-free and like

  you but you know what they did not have

  any they had like two things of 2% milk

  and the entire thing I think that's a

  failure i think if you've got that much

  chocolate soymilk and you cannot have a

  gallon of 2% milk for a beautiful little

  girl

  something is wrong oh my god you just

  prosecutor did I well I think as I feel

  like I I feel like most of that milk is

  adulterated milk somehow it it's been

  the molecules are all have been

  adulterated big chunks of Hitler now

  throughout throughout the overall the

  freezer cases like a lot of that Hitler

  is subsidized by the government official

  government still is propping up the

  moment while we having the French into

  it because i know they are your favorite

  topic the French the French but I get

  mad as it but as a bachelor for many

  years I ate almost exclusively in

  restaurants and almost exclusively in

  restaurants where I knew at least one

  girl who was a waitress that that is

  elegant and and so I didn't know where

  my food came from my food came from

  pretty girls is what I thought and and

  in that sense I'm like my daughter my

  five or six month old daughter who also

  thinks that food comes from pretty girls

  but now that i have now that i have a a

  little girl I have mouths to feed

  I'm going to supermarkets i'm going to

  grocery stores which is a thing I never

  used to i never used to do I think I

  probably when I was like george herbert

  walker bush i had not been in a grocery

  store since before world war two with

  the zebra thing

  yeah how much of the gallon milk I don't

  know fifteen cents fifty dollars

  I don't know now i'm going to grocery

  stores all the time i'm looking at i'm

  looking at these walls of products i'm

  trying to sort through them in order to

  find enough nutrition to keep my family

  going and also enough just raw

  carbohydrates to fill me with

  self-loathing those are my two the two

  things i look for

  here's some food for my family

  and then I need 8,000 calories of

  carbohydrates mix with cheese food is

  called a pairing a pairing yeah right

  you're gonna get a whole flight of shame

  you played them together let's get the

  plating you played it you played him

  that and and so I I'm actually very

  concerned about like buying things that

  are nutritious and not adulterated

  because i'm trying to feed people that I

  care about and I look at these products

  and and I i spend i'm not joking i spend

  hours standing in the aisles

  I'm that guy with the with the shopping

  cart blocking the aisle reading the

  ingredients on the back of some can of

  of multimix and wondering what the hell

  it is and how it is going to interact

  with me and and and yet the farmers

  market model where I would actually

  either a grow my own food or B goes

  somewhere some hippies are selling food

  that they grew that's just so much

  trouble because you gotta go a lot you

  go a lot and then you get all that you

  get all this scale only talk about the

  hippies all alone now that and started

  to have stuff i want to cook don't have

  a tail I think if you need to buy plants

  you might as well pick up some salmon

  but like I'm going to drive to the mall

  and like you seen out there where you

  live you probably got like freestanding

  hippie chords they're hippies all over i

  have to shoot him out of my garden

  yeah yeah I put copper down that keeps

  him from coming into the house put on

  some copper tape no copper the boric

  acid that's a good idea i've been

  playing Slayer job you can put up a job

  that'll keep me away huh really help

  wanted sign exactly haha alright it's

  hippie kryptonite

  we're never gonna solve this problem and

  it's just going to keep making me angry

  but by the hey what you're saying is so

  setting aside the like this may be your

  only chance for two minutes to yourself

  today to go to the store like there is a

  genuine component of like you you're

  just going to the store a lot i'm going

  to the store a lot yeah i mean for us it

  was like the weekend you can get diapers

  from

  no amazon.com and stuff like that but

  like you're just always buying something

  and then you get sick and you gotta get

  something for that and then you know

  what I mean it just feels like there's

  always and the clothes clothes do you

  close your child I I'm a proponent of

  the naked baby philosophy of 11 when my

  child comes in the door it's usually

  dressed in some kind of pink outfit that

  and it was then the child was dressed in

  this pink outfit by by unscrupulous

  others people usually women that I gotta

  keep girl with taste but that the baby

  has encountered in the course of her day

  like she passes through the hands of

  many women and i think in every every

  time a woman touches her she also

  changes her clothes for each additional

  minute touches her a little pink his

  head something something happens a hat

  goes on or some socks so the baby comes

  in the door the first thing i do is

  strip off all of this like a that all

  this accoutrement that she's acquired in

  the course of the day and reduce her

  down to her natural state which is baby

  in diaper and then and then the there's

  a little bit of time where she and I

  just because that's um that's how I sit

  around the house most of the day just

  baby and diaper

  that's my my preferred clothing also

  makes it easier on you

  yeah so then there's the two of us and

  we get a we share a wet wipe and then we

  reset that's a big part of attachment

  parenting wife sharing our attachment

  parenting

  that's right i read about that who we

  did a version of that was extreme I mean

  I have a pal good pal he and his lady

  did the thing where you like don't even

  set the kid down for like 90 days you

  just keep passing it like a potato or

  something I don't know maybe I'm nothing

  like a hamburger and met some kind of

  hook but it's because i think the nature

  of it is that the child is not allowed

  to touch the ground

  Wow otherwise it'll just be broken

  emotionally mhm

  it needs to trust that it will always be

  hanging somewhere we might have done

  something like that but it was

  accidental

  we never put the baby down because how

  can you put a cute little

  maybe down look at that there's so many

  ways gratefully so many ways gratefully

  that my daughter is way more like

  Madeline than me but uh one way we got a

  lot in common is that the pants thing

  the pants come off and neither one of

  you once pants on pants are a problem

  yeah and I cannot keep the kid and pants

  just look at the homebody she likes

  hanging out at home she can make police

  stuff no I mean she runs around like you

  know she goes to school and she has tons

  of running around like throughout the

  morning but I'm hanging out with her

  it's very much hardcore like were

  pretending that we're in a Pixar movie

  or several pixar movies and that's

  that's like what we do but it's very

  often mutually pantsless you know I'm

  watched a couple of those pixar movies

  and i know some of the people that work

  there and I have to say I think they

  have a lot of a lot of pants on their

  characters

  yeah they're they're mandated by the

  Hollywood blue laws

  this is a very very old joke / bit but

  you know their own they know kind of our

  own now by the disney and people have

  talked for years about why some cartoon

  I don't do this is a bit but it's true

  so why do some cartoon characters have

  pants and not others what is waiting

  requires goofy have pants blue doesn't

  have pants why is it that hardly any

  Donald Duck no pins Donald Duck no

  panties got a shirt and a hat but he's

  got no pants a lot of pigs don't have

  pants and I think that's a practical

  thing I think that's hard to draw and

  the curly tail is cute but I don't know

  if not even registering for my daughter

  she's covered as she spends her whole

  day surrounded by people in pants who

  are pushing pants agenda

  yeah and when she comes home you know

  it's a lot like the homeschooling thing

  we try to make him crazy with the Bible

  I think when she comes home she needs to

  have a comfortable place where pants are

  not only optional they're really frowned

  upon

  right here here Don Ramon behind you

  under percent and I begin with me let it

  begin with me

  that's how I feel I've met your little

  girl and and and i'm i'm sad to say i

  have not met her enough times but the

  that the time I've spent with her she's

  a magical creature and why you would why

  you would imprison that child in pants I

  I can't begin to understand why somebody

  would do that you want to know who like

  to cover up magic with pants

  Hitler how many times I was gonna see a

  bottomless Nazi and I'll and big pants

  too

  jodhpurs shot hoppers well you know what

  what what what the baby has done for me

  I I'm an inveterate thrift shop visitor

  as you know you and I have been to many

  thrift shops in San Francisco together i

  would describe you as a a serious thrift

  shop but not a connoisseur like no I

  means more than that thank you you might

  as well have a store you take it so

  seriously

  yeah and that's terrible because people

  come over to the house and they're like

  oh you should open a store and I say why

  the fuck would I want to open a store I

  I say this to my friends to who always

  are thinking and I'm sorry to keep

  swearing because i know you I no no this

  is a different thing we can call we want

  a good excellent

  we won't get featured on the itunes

  store oh well then let's be pigs

  no I want to get featured her i don't

  like my thumb

  I'm not gonna edit this john i just i

  don't have the cycles we don't know the

  cycles and I want we want to keep it

  real as you guys say know a lot about

  with you like it's a full lunch is that

  the one that is like when we've gone

  together i really have thought the

  entire time when the fuck are we gonna

  leave here is that you really do seem to

  look at anything that might fit you like

  lamps

  yeah yeah I'm wearing a lamp right now

  vintage lamp inside western lands got a

  yoke but that but the child has

  introduced this whole new universe of

  shopping for things for the child at

  thrift stores and I'm i ah I have a hard

  time with buying children's clothes

  full stop thrift stores are not like it

  seems to me that you could wrap a child

  in burlap for the times that the child

  needs to be outside and protected from

  the elements and really the rest of the

  time just why why are we dressing this

  why are we dressing this baby on so many

  levels so I mean I like it's the so many

  reasons not to dress a child that is

  ridiculous

  yeah and I'm in the best I'm in the

  decided minority because as you are

  I'll as you do i live in a world of

  women where I I look out from my from

  I ivory tower and all I see is a sea of

  women stretching to the horizon and then

  somewhere in the very far distance

  there's like some guys in a band but uh

  and the women are about to address this

  child compulsively this isn't that the

  kid is in six different outfits every

  day but so I go to the thrift stores and

  i'm not i I can't look for little sailor

  costumes or whatever but i am now

  finding i'm on this whole trip where I'm

  like buying old broken toys for the

  child and then this like the broken part

  I like the broken it dovetails with so

  many of my interests fixing broken toys

  is one of my interest old toys old

  broken things internal appreciation for

  disappointment right the kid learns from

  a very young age that her toys don't

  work

  um and so not to get ahead of herself in

  like I want there's a lot you know

  here's what you have you have a broken

  Christmas morning literally break every

  toy in front of her you go here you have

  a wood toy that other children have

  played with to death and now you get to

  win you get to caress it's worn surfaces

  and try not to get cut on my name is

  Jeff reality and you know what that is

  that's daddy's life that's daddy's life

  condensed there's a big difference

  between a thrift store and like the

  consignment thing though I was very

  opposed to anything used when people

  were very kindly offering us like stuff

  because you know right we should come

  back to this but one reason you don't

  dress the kids because they just got

  shit all over them all the time not

  literal poop but I just stuff there's

  this covered with junk all the time then

  basically mom literally maps little poop

  doesn't dust bunnies small electronics

  that it's going to all eventually be

  something you're going to need to clean

  out of some kind of a cotton like a plan

  maybe but I was resistant exactly that

  was my special special little kid you

  not want to give a bunch of junk now of

  course we do have other people in like

  10 seriously please take this toy don't

  spend sixty dollars on this please take

  this

  but now we've looked into some I mean

  we've gotten some hand-me-downs and I

  couldn't be happier

  but my most of the things that our

  daughter owns and where's are

  hand-me-downs we did have to go through

  a two-stage process first eliminating

  the things that were like visibly

  covered in barf and then going through

  that set so that we called that group of

  stuff and then went through this went

  through the hand-me-downs a second time

  to to try to detect the invisible barf

  and the lookout like I like infrared or

  like a block a backlight yeah you kind

  of you have to hold it up and you know

  we're dealing with your fingers and go

  is this garment just held together with

  dried barf or is this mostly clean

  because as you know a lot of kids

  clothes the kid only wears it once or

  twice and then they've outgrown it so a

  lot of kids clothes are fairly pristine

  other things are just it's just a suit

  of vomit so we went through and we

  called that we called all that out and

  then we had some pretty nice stuff that

  was all either free or or pennies on the

  dollar and I that but that's that's true

  of everything I own I I went through a

  phase about nine months ago where I had

  never owned a Ralph Lauren garment in my

  life when I was in when i was in high

  school and ralph lauren garments became

  were first fashionable with my own my

  peers my mom refused to buy me a rare

  flower and anything because she said but

  that should cost $65 at sears i could

  buy six shirts so I never had a real

  friend about the polo shirt very popular

  publisher often worn to a time

  no I never had one of those right and

  then I don't know nine months ago a year

  ago I was in a thrift store and I bought

  a shirt it was

  it was I there was a day that where I'd

  left the house thinking it was gonna be

  a warm day and then it turned into a

  cold day I know being from San Francisco

  you have no idea what I'm talking about

  right now it just stops and buzz from

  here

  yeah but I'm so I went into the forest

  dr bought this shirt and it was a it was

  a pretty nice shirt and it was a Ralph

  Lorenz shirt so I thought I'm a grown-up

  now i'm not gonna spend the rest of my

  life wearing a you know creeper lagoon

  t-shirts i'm gonna i can i can buy some

  shirts some nice shirts that have a

  creepy-looking t-shirt

  oh yeah really creepy lagoon and fiber

  and all the greats

  I love to have a careful examination in

  fact I think I've that I think right now

  i'm wearing a shirt that you gave me it

  says San Francisco transit t-shirt

  commemorating them the trolley cars or

  something huh

  I can't see it it's on my tommy wiseau

  poppy pop for analogy that you get the

  polo shirt long sleeve shirt so I

  started going to thrift stores and

  instead of looking for the stuff that I

  usually look for ice I include I i

  didn't i didn't substitute but I i added

  a new section that I was willing to

  peruse which was the button-down shirt

  section and I started buying ralph

  lauren shirts that I found that we're

  good condition that were cheap and I you

  know I kind of set like a two-dollar to

  five dollar maximum on what I was

  willing to pay you can still pay that

  for a shirt at your thrift stores

  oh yeah well and a lot of these shirts

  you know they're there they're expensive

  shirts they were purchased originally by

  rich people probably by Rich wives or

  girlfriends and given to men who did not

  have an interest in the shirt who died

  he then died or who got divorced and

  gave away all their shirts and are

  sitting somewhere right now with their

  hand down the front of their genes that

  dad jeans watching sports on a big TV

  so the thrift stores are full of these

  clothes that really haven't been warned

  that we're very expensive initially and

  you can buy them for next to nothing so

  I decided though I'm good now I'm gonna

  have her shirts with the little horsey

  on the autumn and I swear to you in the

  past year I probably about 20 of these

  things now I'm I'm like mr. horsey shirt

  guy that's your thing

  it's my bits my present thing yeah you

  often have a thing

  yeah yeah you gotta have a thing that's

  the thing that strikes me is like you

  you are you can think of at least two

  examples of things that I i associate

  three things that I associate with you

  with you

  customers many more but like there's

  that there's the was a clark dick

  clark's there's an open market john

  clark shoes is a little comic aust hurts

  Stan Smith sneakers yes i'm setting

  aside the chick magnet trucker cap for a

  minute

  like what you wear them at the wrong

  time you didn't wear the stan smith

  shoes when they were when they were hot

  like in the eighties or whatever right

  ditto for the eyes on the cost shirts

  right you bring it back you taking

  internet is that right like that for you

  I mean I i get i get fascinated by a by

  a thing and it's it's kind of outside of

  I don't know why I get fascinated by

  these things but what I do and then I

  then it's like a it's like it that

  demarcates the passage of time in a way

  like right i was wearing izod shirts for

  a while a couple of years ago and that

  it wasn't it in reaction to or even

  participating in other people's fashion

  it was just a thing that I got

  interested in and and and then I could

  then i got a now I'm over it and I don't

  wear eyes on shirts anymore and I've

  sent them back into the stream the izod

  shirts are into the river of life and

  there someone else has them now but I

  remember I remember at one point coming

  through your town when we were i had

  developed a vintage cowboy boot

  fascination and then it kind of spread

  to everybody in my band for a while

  there we were all wearing how would the

  eric and Michael yeah I'll stomping

  around the house in these pointy boots I

  remember that yeah and we would go to

  these like these little junk shops on

  the side of the road in Arkansas and

  there'd be all these cowboy boots you

  know these Tony Lamas from the fifties

  just covered with cobwebs and you go in

  there and buy a pair for twenty bucks

  and so anyway that became a thing for me

  for a while and I've got 25 pairs of

  vintage elephant skin powder blue cowboy

  boots here in the house that that uh I

  don't wear that much but i but i have i

  did buy a shelving unit and now they're

  kind of a their art display

  yeah like you're a lot like Einstein not

  good well I think you're like Einstein

  supposedly Einstein sister isn't one of

  stories here is like a cartoon character

  he just wore the same thing everyday

  right and so he would amenities you just

  go in the closet you grab the same

  clothes is it seems like that's all you

  have a very busy mind we have a lot of

  things going on a lot of people you need

  to talk to and it seems to me you want

  to keep it simple so you know right you

  probably order the same pretty pleased

  when you go into the bar you get the

  same burger we know when you go to

  burger place i'm thinking and is that

  right i can get close you can just go in

  and you know what you're in for

  there are some people like my my friend

  david bazan from the band pedro the lion

  who now is travels under his own name

  davis on da where's XX Christian I

  believe

  well you have formerly a devout

  Christian now a questioning man in the

  world

  driving on a suspended license he's now

  he's now well I think you may have

  gotten his license renewed but he's now

  he's now you know he's one of these one

  of the seekers and Davis on does not

  want to have to think about his clothes

  so he wears the same black t-shirt and

  levi's jeans every day

  and Chris wall of death cab for cutie

  very similar mentality to what you're

  saying when when when a converse decided

  they were going to stop making shoes in

  America and start making shoes in China

  chris waller went out and bought i'm

  pretty sure 25 pairs of low top

  cream-colored american-made converse

  which he still is working his way

  through

  he has that this was ten years ago at

  least

  and he has them stacked somewhere and

  when he wears a pair out he goes into

  the vault and brings out a new pair of

  converse and breaks them in so I'm not

  like that and actually wala once said to

  me I showed up at the studio one day and

  he said from day to day I don't know

  whether you're gonna walk in that door

  looking like a tenured professor of

  literature or like a space cowboy from

  the planet Soltan he said what I don't

  get it

  like what every day it's like a it's

  like you come in it and you're not

  exactly in costume but you're in an

  outfit that doesn't have any

  relationship to the outfit you wore

  yesterday or the outfit you're going to

  wear tomorrow and I hadn't even noticed

  honestly until he pointed out that that

  was true and I don't know what it

  represents curiosity about curiosity

  about identity that's what it is it's

  curiosity about identity because I'm

  glad you were close though I do wear

  clothes at least out of the house i'm

  not wearing clothes right now I mean all

  the time but i mean i think it's i think

  it's a good direction for you

  yeah yeah i think so too I like the way

  you dress I think I think you have an

  interesting an interesting way of

  dressing suite

  yeah I do and I see the appeal is ty

  preferred before is the cartoon

  character approach you know you don't

  see like Donald Duck

  you know show up you know in a def

  leppard sure he's always got the little

  sailor deal going on you guys I

  iconographic just just like your hair if

  you're if you were to show up at an

  event and your hair was was

  professionally styled yes people would

  say when does Merlin man arrived

  it's got a flat though it's not the hair

  used to be it's got a flat i need a

  haircut gotta go see Joey I believe in

  your hair though I believe it will I

  believe it will surge you think it'll

  get a second wind

  I don't get well because you've got a

  head of hair you're you're in your

  forties now and your hair's not going

  anywhere so far I mean it's getting

  great now which wich milady likes which

  i think is cool at least she says she

  likes it's easy enough to say that but

  yeah it's I feel lucky in that sense I

  feel died I mean I'm insecure about so

  many things that I'm glad I don't have

  to also be insecure about being a

  cliché of a man losing his hair

  yeah yeah I don't appear to be losing my

  hair

  no you said you got a really really good

  hair yeah i do i'm losing everything

  else but but not my hair

  I'm losing my hearing can you believe

  that i'm a mess on the hearing front

  yeah i went to a birthday party where

  the birthday party was that we're

  shooting ak-47 and in between clinical

  tingle picklehead before he even between

  clips i took my my headphones off my my

  earphones and then somebody shot

  somebody fired around and I didn't have

  my earphones on and I swear to you 20

  years of playing rock music I did less

  damage to my hearing then that one

  bullet fired right next to me with with

  my earphone off my ear

  it's it it just was like it was like an

  ice pick to the head and and I got a

  ring I got a ring and get the tinnitus

  the tenants whatever God gotta I gotta I

  gotta ringing oh god

  that sucks that's not that's not good oh

  my goodness we really that's awful

  do you listen to noise at night

  no no it's not it's not tonight is like

  where I'm where I'm clawing at the side

  of my head in madness

  it's just you know no more than usual

  ya know and not not any more than I do

  to get the you know the earwigs that in

  there a lot but uh but you know it is it

  isn't it is a sound I can duplicate that

  the pitch of the sound so I i am hearing

  and endless and it's I I remember my dad

  I'm my dad's favorite word for the last

  30 years of his life was 10 which makes

  everybody around you lose their mind

  after and I i hear myself doing it I'm

  already like but I think I don't know

  why I'm saying it like an old Jewish man

  look at that and see myself as I get

  older maybe 75 like I'd what you're

  gonna do one of those like could you

  repeat the salad dressing kind of guys

  pick up and like you know the nice part

  is like I think a lot about my senility

  because I know it's gonna happen i think

  it's probably kind of underway already

  and i like to think a lot about how all

  my numerous every all of my numerous

  drawbacks as a human being are gonna

  really cool s nicely together I think

  being a guy who doesn't listen very well

  talks a lot isn't very smart doesn't

  think a lot about what he says and

  sometimes a little bit nervous and

  paranoid it's gonna come together very

  very nicely

  that's a great combo if i miss here the

  dressing I'm gonna be pretty sure people

  are out to get me I can already tell but

  you know i i've noticed i mean there was

  a while there where your paranoia i was

  concerned what I was like Merlin is

  getting more and more paranoid all the

  time

  I don't know what people worry about me

  sometimes I just go through i go through

  the thing itself i'm always still the

  same awful person

  well but that's the thing yeah i think

  you I think your paranoia it ballooned

  and you've ratcheted back or something

  because you sneeze you seem a lot less

  paranoid that you get a year ago how

  long he's been saying that i don't know

  but there was a there was a window there

  was a few months

  disagree I disagree I don't like people

  being worried about me I really concerns

  me when people are worried about me

  so you're worried about people being

  worried about you know I'm just saying

  that the lady says Thousand Island

  dressing on understand i might stab her

  in the mouth fucked up and I think

  there's something else going on

  you speak more clearly miss and then I

  took 25 minutes people going on and I

  wouldn't even realize it

  there are cover you but you have a very

  good you have a tight-knit group of

  friends who are you saying i'm here but

  i don't have a lot of friends is what

  you're saying you have a very tight-knit

  group of friends that's not i'm not

  saying that that is that means it's a

  small group of friends it's just tight

  knit ok its people spread across America

  to people all over America who care

  about Merlin man who ya think about let

  them not just care think about Merlin

  Mann day-to-day like an ongoing way

  yeah just sort of like you really meant

  it totally freaks me out to think that

  does that doesn't really that's an awful

  thought my gosh I wish I just decide

  like just know that I disappear when i'm

  not with somebody

  sure right back up thought oh my god

  I've told you about being on tour and

  people come up to me in in bars or you

  know at shows and and I see them coming

  kinda with outstretched hand and your

  piece and I'm ready for my peace i put

  to right between their eyes not have

  standard air arcade fire i'm ready to

  say hello o.o you like my records why

  thank you

  and they walk up amigo you know Merlin

  man i love that i can hear you can't

  hear you I can't hear you

  I find it very very hard to play first

  of all it's very hard to get to you

  because the feelings of security that

  you have around here right here

  frequently a little fast and loose with

  the bathing and well-liked a that I just

  don't use soap

  well that's that's a religious issue i

  take four baths a day pray but I don't

  believe in soap no buttons and no soap

  and they're both in vain conceit of the

  English we call them talking about i

  think we should stop pretty soon though

  because this is this is good enough and

  then

  now I still wanna talk to you about

  glasses i was talking about Hitler I

  want to come back to steaks what was

  that place we went was that place the

  last place i fancy place where was

  likely a thousand dollars how much was

  that was good what was that place was

  this where we sat outside there was a

  demand late then we could replace that

  well it was what was this place where we

  smoked cigars after dinner I don't smoke

  I I it was it was that dark place where

  they were really nice to us even a good

  thing was that it was El Gaucho it was

  Al gaucho unquestionably yeah that was a

  good a steak

  yeah we had a good time there but but

  you started this conversation talking

  about a time where we gossiped about our

  friends at an outdoor steak restaurants

  near water and what were we go with that

  we were at the edgewater hotel really it

  seemed like a place where there's a lot

  of outdoor seating it looks like it

  might be the kind of place that served

  Badfish to tourists but it was a little

  bit fancy yeah and i think we had water

  in a clear glass now and we're down sit

  down

  we gossiped I think that chairs and we

  gossiped about some of your former

  bandmates for like 14 hours was scott

  simpson there i'm not familiar with this

  work

  no he wasn't this was this is a pretty

  long time ago oh this is when you still

  thought about people who quit your band

  ok I was not given to believe you don't

  really worry about so much anymore

  well it's there are so many people now i

  would i'd spend all my time just

  thinking about all the people that have

  been in the long winters in the

  fastbacks around think about drivers all

  day

  no but you know they're coming here

  they're coming here again I've ever had

  already bought tickets so they're half

  of the fastbacks just are watching the

  are just watching mods float around in

  the in their room and thinking pretty I

  mean the other half of the fastbacks are

  there just you know their regular

  American wondering when the model will

  bring them more to drink

  so the fastbacks are coming to San

  Francisco with that band that kind of

  our them off the muffs the muffs are

  opening for them

  don't let them offer them off slightly

  worried i think the muffs it feels to me

  got a lot of stick from the fastbacks

  tell me the fastbacks are are as great

  as they ever were

  well you just me that guy in a barn and

  made my fucking year

  yeah yeah clock

  just like I love that guy in fact this

  saturday I'm uh I'm starring in a music

  video for a local band here called stag

  and a current block is also going to be

  in that music video i'm playing a

  dejected heart i'm wearing a giant heart

  costume and Kurt block i think is going

  to be Santa clogged naturally yeah he's

  really he's like that's gonna be fun i

  wish you would do more work as talent i

  think that when you know acting talent i

  think that would be fun you're great at

  December's video at the big-ass beard

  yeah I don't uh somehow I thought that

  that appearing in December's video was

  really going to send my career through

  the roof but it right i think the beard

  most people don't recognize it as me i

  think most people only remember the

  barest Smith in the black smithy yeah

  you know I'm actually a character called

  Colin and his wife just released a a a

  book for preteens or I guess teens early

  teens where Colin wrote the story and

  Carson wrote the part of the drunk on

  ice and one of the characters in the

  book is called jock Roderick and he's a

  he's a vagabond and it does it TP

  anybody's house he doesn't I don't think

  in the book ET does any toilet papering

  but he is an honor

  yeah so I'm so now I've been

  immortalized in in cartoon form

  well again again immortalized again in

  cartoon form

  I want to talk about steak I want to

  talk about uh the eyeglasses are you

  listening what we're going to talk about

  that next time next time next time this

  is a perfect length is the perfectly

  we've already talked to liz is perfect

  no I you know we could I we literally

  could talk forever and so I'm thinking

  we should just we should once a week we

  should do this and we always got we

  always get one in the chamber enormous

  am absolutely

  well I want to talk about the Tea Party

  about Jesus

  you talk about really to politics i want

  to talk about the Tea Party you want to

  talk about the Tea Party given angle on

  it

  yeah i got an angle alright with you

  next time yeah let's do it next time

  alright alright I don't really have a

  wait-and-see you

  oh we're looking we're searching for an

  ending no no what I mean we we should we

  should do when somebody I i oh you know

  what i was talking to Jonathan Coulton

  huh

  and I said Merlin and i are going to do

  this talk on the phone once a week and

  jonathan coulton said you gotta have an

  angle i said i don't know if we have an

  angle and he said no no you gotta have

  an angle and this spending too much time

  with Flansburg that's right you

  understand what I think he's always got

  to know each other get a note now that's

  exactly right because that's Flansburg

  ones and what's your angle you gotta

  have an angle

  you know you should do a show about

  puppet people love puppets let me get

  back on the final guys got puppets but I

  don't know I but I don't know what our

  angle is an end here

  Colton said what we should do here's

  here was his idea i forgot to say this

  so she said this is the beginning

  ok Cole said we should we should play 20

  seconds of a song any song and then

  that'll be our launching pad for 20

  seconds of a song that will start

  talking about the song and then wolf

  because that's what we do i would do

  that i was little i mean that'd be

  that'd be a good feature my feeling is

  that these things find their own

  through-line I consider this a pilot i

  don't know if we'll ever do it again

  I don't know if anyone listen to i don't

  really care i'm gonna go put these on a

  website and we'll keep doing this I'll

  do whatever you want to do I just like

  the idea of rock on the line and just

  make me happy

  yeah I don't know if we need the I i

  said to Jonathan what we should what you

  and I should do is just play like the

  first 20 minutes 20 seconds of tax man

  and every every week we talked about it

  for half an hour in a totally different

  way i'll listen at baseline that doesn't

  it's it's astounding it's astounding

  oh I you know we should do that we need

  music i should use that song that you

  don't like that i like that's she never

  put it

  ok who's sugar from say and why don't

  you do anything with sugar and said you

  still not like it

  no I haven't listened to it for years I

  can't find some other computer its I

  don't know it's it's got that nice big

  you know what it would work that you

  could fade it out of the way that they

  get the beginning and it goes right in

  use it as the theme I think that's a

  great idea that yeah you have a copy can

  put your hands right now

  no like I say I haven't thought about it

  in a you haven't listened to your music

  you know i am one of the amount of those

  artists that not only does not but can

  hardly bear to if i'm in a store or a

  bar and my music comes on on the stereo

  i have a my reaction is always the same

  at first I go what's that

  how do I know that and then I go uh-huh

  uh-huh that's pretty good

  that's what is that this is a weird i

  know that and then I go oh oh no oh I

  have to get out of here happens the same

  way every time and at the only saving

  grace is that I always go through a two

  second period where I'm like oh that I

  that I like this that that song is cool

  and that's awkward

  the only thing that would be worse is if

  I went oh what is that that's likes now

  when I realized a little bit like

  accidentally masturbating about yourself

  whoa back it up because like 91 job

  taste that's never happened to tell the

  stranger but I i tried to listen to the

  podcast that you and I did last week and

  I actually caught myself laughing a

  couple of times in the first 10 minutes

  of it welcome to the problem and then I

  and then the second time I caught myself

  laughing I i just turned it off because

  I was like what are you laughing at

  that's restraint that's good that's not

  funny

  what do you have against Hitler talk

  enough with the Hitler talk my goodness

  alright let's start with I'll talk to

  you next week alright talk to you and so

  Thursday's yeah I don't know what's

  trying to think what we want what up

  what you know what I needed my negative

  i think sure need a pattern

  clean clothes I need one thing that

  happens every week and I can do that for

  you will that be you

  well Berlin man i can I can be that suit

  of armor for you thank you you're

  welcome

  [Music]