Roderick on the Line

02: “White Leather Carpet”

 

  hello hi John how are you I'm all Merlin

  how are you know pretty well i just i

  had some food i had a chili dog

  no really I had limited time and limited

  time and I had to go through i had to

  approach that fork in the road

  do I going hungry or do I go in Chile

  you approach the fork in the chili dog

  yeah I love a chili dog but i'm i'm glad

  you mentioned that will get you that

  mentioned it but I'm confirming which

  one which one of you again

  uh-huh you're the star on the sidekick

  right let me go back to how much i love

  a chili dog your Merv Griffin I'm Arthur

  Treacher you don't even get that you're

  not even old enough to know that is

  Arthur Treacher his fish and chips to

  you right

  oh I know you're right i don't know I'm

  okay but I know who murdered Griffin is

  he kidding me who gets the river and

  spit merv griffin is a lesser Johnny

  Carson griffin's a rich man you know how

  rich he is he's richly Jesus he's rich

  he started the dating game

  hang on i think it can only produce the

  dating Jeffrey ethic and everything else

  that's Chuck Barris Chuck Barris which

  always in the sea is merv griffin right

  now Chuck Barris was in the CIA but I

  think Merv Griffin was that I think Merv

  Griffin was Chuck Paris's mentor I mean

  all of this conjecture can be dismissed

  with one click of the internet I don't

  think that's accurate

  I i think it's like in England you got

  the shadow cabinet i think Merv Griffin

  is the shadow cabinet right I Paris

  that's what that's what I'm saying

  Merv Griffin controls seventies

  television i agree i am the one who

  brought up chili dogs

  I i try to prepare for these things

  apart from eating but while I was eating

  a chili dog i wrote down I wrote down

  some ideas for things I wanted to talk

  to you about know me I read something to

  you

  let's hear them ok well here's the thing

  i first of all step 0

  I don't want you to feel the need to

  respond to any of these and

  just going to these are things i'm

  throwing out there okay put them in the

  air you can choose to answer any of

  these anyway you want you could just say

  check or no check

  you know I think we're planning to talk

  about without picking topics but it's

  really more for my personal interest in

  my personal files

  no I know how I know how this goes I

  mean over the years I've gotten many

  many phone calls from you where you had

  something very important to say i don't

  think you can always tell that you could

  tell that was album revolver and you

  needed to talk to somebody about it

  right you had used up all your other

  friends why didn't they put paperback

  writer on there

  oh ok that's number five from across

  that one

  ok alright let's do the list ok these

  are potential topics and I don't want

  you to feel any inclination because i

  know you're not really you're gonna feel

  in client like you do thats that's one

  of the problems I'm already feeling less

  inclined

  ok then what topic lunch chili

  it's not a huge fan okay see I think I

  know you okay so that's I'm gonna put a

  check next to that as a potential

  remember how do you make your own chili

  because i know you make a lot of your

  own foods I think chili is a lot like

  barbecue for white people i think it

  differs a lot from place to place and

  people are very territorial about it

  like sports teams sexual intercourse

  they have different ideas to use

  cinnamon is there mustard beans no beans

  i think chili i use cinnamon mustard and

  beans in sexual intercourse

  okay that's five shows right there ok so

  we could go right into chili or you

  could hear some other ideas and I just I

  literally want to just check these off

  just for future OIC ok so this is

  lightning round all right let's go no

  that is at least there's probably

  actually because that's when you know

  you've introduced the topic

  ok I'm vibrating with excitement about

  the chili lunch and I think I think we

  should circle back to Chile ok ok unless

  there's other ones and no no let's hear

  the rest okay

  pedestrians that is not a value judgment

  is a simply a plural noun are you

  interested at some point in talking

  about pedestrians well for many many

  many many years I was a pedestrian who

  that's not really an answer

  oh I'm ready to talk about killing

  checked I'm not ready to talk about

  having been a pedestrian and mine my

  relationship to them now that I'm not

  about yesterday I don't

  want to steer this boat too hard because

  it's your boat it's your wheel right and

  I don't know although i call it

  that's right we gotta get it up the

  mountain is a German and everybody sad

  i'm loco know his record our site and

  that's the that's the other guy klaus

  kinski loud screams kee-yai boil if

  record our was in its class can write

  this down if it's called oh ok that's a

  no that's a that's the guy did that

  movie with that other movie with Klaus

  Kinski what's that guy's name

  yeah that's right that's the guy know

  the guy with the were the only 100 below

  plays the flute and he's got a helmet

  that's a corner Hertzog or hurt sock and

  I'm thinking of a gay wrath of God but

  i'm going to write that's called oh it's

  about a steamboat I think okay number i

  didn't see that one is that the one

  where the guy we're a bottle falls on a

  guy and he clicks at it for a while and

  that takes it back to his tribe

  oh the weather was little a little bit

  fast in parts that's I think that's the

  gods must be crazy part1 ok right as i

  have a look

  write that down too because i have a lot

  of questions about the gods must be

  crazy and I think with the metaphysical

  distance that we have from that movie

  now we need to talk about the gods must

  be crazy because I thought you were

  talking about the metaphysical distance

  between you and I no no I think I don't

  want to talk about that our connection

  is molecular I think we've established

  that would mean third topic actually

  checking no checking Alaska are always

  talk about Alaska ok I'm going to check

  next to that this is taking too long for

  the problem with public restrooms you

  know that does that has problem the

  problem in front of it so you can tell

  me if you just want to part doesn't

  interest you at all

  I went to a guitar show certainly that's

  not really an answer i do it like a

  vintage guitar show and the public

  restrooms their m.o we know what I'm

  gonna I'm gonna exercise my Robert's

  Rules of Order and I'm going to go and

  check next to that right

  ok i had some other ones i'm just gonna

  table these I had a guitar as women

  tattoos people who were hats are am and

  whether other bands take it down before

  show i think we could table as well i

  think many of those guitars women

  tattoos people who were hats REM and pre

  shows potential quick table is

  potentially for future is great i will

  happily talk about all those less

  fortunate than a jump out guitars women

  tattoos people who were hats are

  I'm appreciate have super strong

  feelings about every one of those topics

  and how many women right get this how

  many women you know where have to have

  tattoos play guitar and probably take a

  dump for sho i'm thinking you just in

  the pnw literally dozens

  well i personally know more than a few

  the thing about women in hats

  that's nice is if you go to an event in

  a hat you personally with a woman

  yeah and you realize once you get to the

  event you shouldn't have worn a hat

  wearing a hat is stupid

  who you can give the hat to the woman

  and then the woman's wearing a hat

  Sookie when they do that it's super cute

  right and so then she feels cute and you

  don't look like it like a dink in the

  hat and an event where no other guys

  wearing i have I think you know me well

  enough to know I do not make sweeping

  generalizations but i'm just going to

  say never wear the hat

  we're after the show I mean unless you

  eat because now you're wearing a hat guy

  yeah I know except here's the problem if

  you have a collection of old Stetsons

  which someone on this podcast does then

  what do you do you gotta I mean I i

  think this conundrum every day I wake up

  I walked past my hat rack which is which

  is covered like a like a like a fruit

  tree with vintage head Stetson hats some

  of them quite beautiful hats and I i

  think my first thought is I want to put

  on a hat and this is my second thought

  is you look like an asshole in a half

  and I got that this happens to me 30

  times a day I walked past today I got 0

  hat and then I go

  don't walk out of the house and a half

  if you were 20 or 30 you would have made

  a different set of decisions about every

  step of that you might have said I don't

  even need these hats certainly don't

  need more than one and then when you did

  have a musical i got this hat got aware

  of the show I don't think you even go to

  that many shows these days i'm guessing

  because you're very busy but I imagine

  now when you do that you bring that

  level of circumspection to any really

  any of the fruit trees in your house

  whether that is the elephant boots or

  the the costly hats or on some level you

  can wear too many ralph lauren shirts

  right i mean you're bringing to this is

  circumspection is all you can't wear

  more than three ralph lauren shirts at a

  time because it starts that you start to

  look muscle-bound you get a kind of like

  yum Arnold Schwarzenegger all I can take

  up residence on lafayette and that's not

  appealing i don't think people used to

  wear to i mentioned this end up in a

  previous visit I i remember what people

  wear to with the with the Colorado

  I don't get it that's one of the top

  that's I don't want to talk about that

  either ok but anyway I see kids in hats

  all the time and I'm sorry I'm just jump

  in here are we gonna go stronger people

  with hats you know let's go back here

  right here

  no no listen I'm not here to derail it's

  your rail is your train i'm just writing

  to the caboose

  I'm happy to talk about hats are you

  ever you're riding my caboose mm uu feel

  mostly like this topic script that can i

  can put this in my personal file that's

  all great

  it's all it's all gold i'll talk about

  all that stuff but I don't want to talk

  about half

  well I feel so I do feel strongly about

  i think the whole thing where women wear

  your clothes

  I mean come on that script but that's a

  different topic yeah the last time i

  went to South by Southwest every single

  person in the in the city was wearing

  some kind of snap brim fedora that they

  bought in an airport and I wanted to

  have a lightsaber so that I could go

  around and just take the top three

  inches of everyone's head off and then I

  of course I'm i went home and that

  should be all that shuttle service

  industry you should be armies armies of

  people who are not unemployed but

  partially employee give them a wrist

  rocket and a handful of pebbles and you

  literally do nothing but knock hats off

  of wears a hat i said all along they

  need you pick them up and you say you

  know what that's one

  yeah you know what maybe think a little

  harder Austin you know it

  yeah i'm already designing the uniforms

  for those guys with the wrist Rockets I

  don't really good idea i think like like

  unitard but bell-bottom white white

  bell-bottom unitard sounds like the

  defrank of family maybe like the basic I

  don't know I I you know I would never

  say rollers thing about it yeah but it's

  there and cameltoe is a big is a big

  part of the sentiment for the menu which

  is called something else right it's not

  cameltoe if it's not if it's a guy its

  oh I literally just made this upset

  crack the now it's so unappealing no

  matter how you look at I was that you

  sent me that Eddie Van Halen interview

  that he did backstage at the at the

  stoner fast and i didn't mention it that

  had photos that and photos of him and

  his in his jeans

  the thing is those those seventies jeans

  like from the knee down

  they hung like curtains they weren't

  tight but boy they tailored them somehow

  so that they were they were the tightest

  just right in that area right around

  where you pee I i have I don't know why

  I think this and I don't know why I

  think it but I have a feeling that David

  Lee Roth has some serious lumber going

  on I think he I think he could have

  killed some spotted owls with that thing

  i just started and is that right what

  they are with the with the penises

  yes no I'm sympathetic to that to the

  fact that the Jews are big penises

  I mean I don't like to indulge in stereo

  tell you me well first of all a the Jews

  had a hard time if anybody deserves a

  giant rocketed you don't you pick their

  here you know what I'm saying I think

  that it's their time and it's now is

  there time i was thinking more of the

  the little wore roller one that helmet

  effect I'm very sympathetic to that

  there were 10 i guess maybe like it like

  a terminal a storm trooper hat oh this

  is getting way far afield

  yeah I I you know I think you your whole

  conception of penises has a lot to do

  with what you're sporting first the

  first time I see the opposite of the

  kind of penis you have I think you know

  i'm talking about the first to see the

  opposite angle after you see one the

  curves to the right who I i don't know

  i'm not i'm not pro or anti circumcision

  but I am pro circumcision not because of

  the pain that because the cutting but

  just because i think everyone should

  look like me the extent possible

  well yeah it's a cultural thing and you

  are a member of a very distinct culture

  me which is you

  yeah i think the first time you see that

  nobody i'm looking into that that's not

  on the list

  I you know here's the thing i would

  never go up I despise tattoos I I just

  as a name as a thing I just despise

  tattoos now I love

  of a lot of people who have tattoos yeah

  yeah now it's like it's like it's like

  religion i love a lot of religious

  people but i'm not a super fan of

  religion I think that's a terrific

  example and and i have to say especially

  with some of the ladies it's a matter of

  taste and some of them have some really

  really beautiful tattoos almost never on

  the foot or the back i will note the

  foot tattoo and then you gotta you gotta

  go buy sandals so people can see ya know

  it i'm wearing the clothes i'm wearing

  sleeveless blouse

  it's a shortcut to looking like a

  juggalette if you look back to your

  right right on the way to be in the

  jungle at but here's the problem right

  Merlin now I get into this all the time

  if you start talking shit about tattoos

  so many people in my culture now have

  tattoos

  let's just start talking shit about it

  is to is to start minutes if I can sit

  and talk about religion all day and I'm

  I know I'm offending people but they're

  people have sex then that's abstract

  yeah it's like it's like talking about

  how they feel about chest width oh you

  know I kind of like chess but they're

  not going to like punch in the nose and

  the people that were the people that

  really care about chest and they're out

  there somewhere but i'm not concerned

  you can probably look if you had to

  fight i could lick them in a fight every

  other ways yes well we really just their

  they're committed they can't go back

  that foot they can take their foot off

  that's gonna have to be lasers and if I

  say if i make some sweeping statement

  like any tattoo in your bikini area is

  gross no matter what it is a picture of

  it i don't care if it's a beautiful

  flower i don't care if it is a picture

  of Ronald McDonald what that is grosser

  ronald mcdonald is grosser than flower

  but it's all I don't I never want to

  feel sized a life-size ronald mcdonald

  tell you where his nose is your clitoris

  not nice

  it's not that is your nose it's a

  literally life-size that's probably just

  the front but if you if you're sick

  segment back for christmas

  I'm still saving up for Christmas

  why you would seriously the Juggalos

  wood would welcome you with open arms

  i don't i'm not putting this on the

  official list i'm a third card we're

  going to put jealous because I want to

  learn more about Douglas i read about

  them it's bikini area thing is one of

  those like oh my god this girl's

  beautiful oh here we go

  she's so oh now with off with the bikini

  and oh yeah just like a little scar down

  here it's like I put up the leftover

  Chinese food somebody ate all the shrimp

  out and they put a dead bird in there

  that's that's not food anymore

  why would you mess up such a nice area

  while not only a metaphor I want to

  associate with a bikini promise food you

  get the shrimp out and there's a dead

  bird

  the problem is literally not a metaphor

  oh ok could be a bluebird and missing

  shrimp that I don't next tattoo of a

  container of chinese food we're clearly

  there's shrimp shrimp shaped areas that

  are empty and a dead bird

  can I give you an economical solution to

  that one word kanji there is probably a

  symbol for this is not single this is

  the kanji symbol this is a single

  conscious i don't know what that means

  for kanji as I think it's a language

  thing you go in I think you say to them

  I would like the kanji symbol for this

  is a tattoo of probably a bluebird and

  some missing shrimp and can I just say I

  think seven out of ten tattoo

  quote-unquote artists will say no

  problem

  yeah and actually driving is it so hard

  to learn you put some lines on there you

  go that's awesome this Conchie

  yeah well but you know what it is people

  who get tattoos they really likes and

  script that's the language they really

  want their tattoo and let's look on your

  arms in your background that the seven

  Angelina Jolie has I'm sure she does

  oh my god i'm so irritated angelina

  jolie right now just thinking of her

  tattoos on right-hander Damon and right

  under juggalos there goes happy with no

  water tattoos are I sure she has some

  that are pissing me off right we're

  gonna need a second and probably 50 odd

  cast just for Angelina Jolie then that

  but I understand this problem i run into

  it too because i have dear friends now

  here's the problem twitter is I say

  you know you you look that makes you

  look a little bit filthy and when you

  get old

  it's not gonna be pretty and my friends

  think I'm addressing them directly i

  have friends they have tattoos that are

  very meaningful to them about very

  meaningful things to her over some of

  them are awesome i have a friend a

  friend in college who looked a lot like

  a Sherman from from Bullwinkle and so he

  got a Sherman tattoo that was beautiful

  and I thought that was funny

  I don't know Frank a different got a

  question mark and the word doubt under

  it I thought that was nice

  that's nice i have a lot of friends that

  are tattooed from the bottoms of their

  earlobes to the ends of their fucking

  toes who and I dated a couple of girls

  that had a that had tattoos all over

  their bodies and and i was able for that

  period to enjoy those people's studies

  as a part of them over the enjoyment of

  them but i cannot say that I would not

  have preferred that they did not have

  all those tattoos i think in the

  aggregate what that says is yes i will

  work at the coffee shop but be you

  probably shouldn't trust me with the

  keys so all the tattoos

  well to me it becomes you know see we

  should move on i can probably tell me I

  can't talk about tattoo I can't talk

  about tattoos on girls anymore because

  there are enough people watching my

  twitter feed who are going to send me a

  text that says when did you see a girls

  bikini area ? ? and I'm like uh I was

  just thinking about it in the abstract

  and then I get another text

  oh really you're just thinking about

  that Jesus is the other problem is the

  other problem with twitter which is when

  on your I try to help people by saying

  something abstract people who feel that

  that is about them will respond

  personally that's the second problem

  with what I'm talking about you all the

  time to talk about you except one

  computer all except as much i am talking

  about you

  I'm not talking about you right now I

  was absolutely talking about you a

  question but not you

  now you're talking about me you know and

  that's different that's totally

  different

  that's the second problem

  which appears it here's the thing I've

  been to your area

  well we're here I've been to your bikini

  area but i think i've been to jet city

  as i like to call it you prefer that or

  emerald cities like San Frisco is look

  up to her saying they just pretty well

  no you got it wrong you got a song

  here's the thing about jet city in the

  in the fifties and sixties jet city was

  the first that was seattle's nickname

  that was seattle's like because the

  boeing is the bone because we were

  making jets before anybody else i love i

  think it's i think it's fantastic it's

  got tomorrow and quality its muscular

  right well exactly

  thank you that's exactly right and we

  were jet city all the way up until some

  magical point in the late seventies when

  some the Cabal of city fathers decided

  they were gonna rebrand Seattle as the

  Emerald City which is like a land of

  little of dwarves like magical little

  green emerald city what is that that's

  like a tour the Dorothy in Oz right

  wonderland

  it's a place it's a place with a lot of

  poppies it's run by a fraud

  yeah it's not a that's no nickname

  nobody wanted that nobody asked for that

  what is it to Temple about the city

  well it's it it's very green here even

  verdant where it's already XP colleague

  it's both bucolic and burden is a

  schematic it's not 4matic no format

  format diplomatic city would be this

  Kansas City Missouri this little battle

  that the city that knows how to haack it

  no that's not that's not Seattle Seattle

  is Colin Burton who like a prince in san

  francisco in one's mind's eye one thinks

  no san francisco bucolic hurt but in

  fact it's it's neither of those things

  it's a parched desert same thing

  happened in the late seventies you know

  same kinda bunch of people hung over

  Kenya meeting

  nobody had the good sense to say no to

  Emerald City 19th it was 19 now is

  probably anything 87 cisco that's not

  funny

  assign they said that's not even that's

  not even a nickname that's just a

  statement and they said no seriously

  that's not funny but no matter what you

  say in San Francisco somebody's gonna

  say you know what that's not funny

  yeah that went on the license plates

  it's not actually not a question its

  license plates me like me like on cars

  haha ok here's an idea when you take

  your comment and go for gas right into

  the bay

  that's not funny that is exactly what is

  your custom license plate that's not a

  crime that's your that's yours h8 crying

  ah here's my question to you what why

  why is frisco so up so bad for you

  people

  I mean frisco it's like you say first go

  to san francisco in the frickin and they

  frickin and they will they will go eat

  like an orchid in a microwave

  well be were very touchy I don't know if

  you realize that we're very touchy you

  are not touchy-feely just touchy

  that's not funny but a you-know-what

  people started calling you the Windies

  and all I'm going out tonight to see the

  the twenties but let's go as a frisco

  has a long and and glorious a trigger

  career they called it Frisco bag in 1859

  and they also used to think there's

  spiders and WM doesn't make it right

  I don't know I I there's two things I

  hurt you never call it Frisco and for

  the love of Christ never call it San

  Fran when I moved here my wife educated

  me on many things she told me she told

  me I was we were never going to

  rollerblade and golden gate park so I

  cross that off my list said we're never

  gonna buy a big can of coffee in a red

  can that's never happening again

  well she's right there she was right and

  I think you can blame Emerald City for

  that says it all the coffee now that's

  right to change the world but the sheet

  she schooled me on that i think i had

  heard or read in books you don't cloths

  and Fredo call it Frisco I i don't know

  i mean you know what they call it and

  this is this is really not funny but

  they call it the city now see that right

  the city by the bay was seen around the

  city that never stops right the city

  that was built on on rock and roll and

  an over-inflated mining industry you

  know back then because five dollars for

  a gallon of milk

  18 just wearing the gold rush days this

  is the thing when you have a big boom

  it's not the suckers

  I get rich and it is the suckers let me

  tell you it's right in your bikini area

  you people who get rich it's like the

  lawyer thing the field is the milk

  producers that get rich every time John

  if you want to sleep literally on a

  wooden bench was ten dollars a night

  that's in 18-49 dollars i have to look

  up what that is but I think that's a lot

  of money that is a lot of money to

  finance I wouldn't take ten dollars the

  wooden bench right now we can we stay at

  my place

  I know when you're luckier here mattress

  that shaped like a taco your taco

  mattress for Lily's there you gotta pump

  it up every night it's on router

  memorial taco mattress where I don't get

  off topic that I've always enjoy I

  always enjoyed how you made how you made

  someone sleep in the van

  I always thought that was about way more

  than protecting the equipment we live

  literally 323 cut that out we live close

  to a police station you have next to a

  police station

  that's fine and it's a very it's a very

  pastoral automatic not area much like

  REM is a reckoning and so you know

  you're mostly going to be okay and our

  neighborhood but you would always make

  someone sleep i think michael you make

  Michael sleep in the van a lot just for

  spite

  Michael like to sleep in the van because

  michael is a compulsive masturbator

  and i think is a loud masturbator so

  you're not comfortable sleeping around

  other people he likes to be in a in an

  enclosed area where you can steam up the

  windows but i slept in the van in front

  of your house one time

  yeah i was done about that and I had I

  had a terrifying experience I think I

  told you about this the next morning I

  was asleep in the man next to the park

  right where I'm by back in so i'm

  looking at the park

  I'm sleeping in the van in the middle of

  the night I wake up with a start to a a

  vision of like an army of dead soldiers

  marching across the park toward me I

  looked out of the window and I see an

  army of ghostly dead

  coming up the van

  and I'm you know I sleep in the I sleep

  on naturale foo and so I shoot out of of

  our the of the back punk in the van

  shoot across for a bench seats in the

  van into the driver's seat

  turn on the van and put it in gear and

  peel out this is four o'clock in the

  morning peel out of this parking space

  and don't stop for like four blocks

  bare-ass naked driving in a panic away

  from this army of dead soldiers coming

  at me and I pulled over to the side of

  the road

  panting coming out of the park at you ya

  know watching across the park toward the

  van in gold surrounding the van at four

  in the morning that's horrific it was

  terrible and then I didn't sleep the

  rest of the night I couldn't could park

  next to the the park of dead soldiers

  know what era like to remember what were

  the Crimean no they weren't cry me and I

  you know that they were in western guard

  quite frankly that's just gonna find you

  have a lot of visions like that well but

  stick model you're getting mana no

  not-not-not anywhere i've never gotten a

  stigma but i do have periodically very

  rarely I'll be sleeping in a strange

  house or either i was sleeping at a

  house in Vermont one time I turned off

  the light and immediately felt like

  there was someone terrible in the room

  with me and i SAT up turn on the light

  and spent the entire night sitting up

  like reading old readers digest because

  the second that I the second that I was

  not vigilant there was a terrible

  terrible malevolent presence there and

  in the morning i limp down to the

  breakfast and the my hosts are sitting

  there and they said how did you sleep

  and I said well not very well actually

  because there's a really really evil

  ghoul that lives in the room

  you partying and they went oh we were

  wondering if you would notice

  that's why we put you in there we

  thought you know we just wanted to see

  if you would if you would notice what

  like keeping what a terrible thing

  what like a like a like a renter or like

  a ghost know this house was built in

  seventeen forty or something like having

  it like somebody a tricorn hat one who

  yeah they had a bad ghost and of all the

  people you know they were like four or

  five of us staying over and above all

  the people they were like let's put

  Roderick in there he'll if anybody's

  gonna gonna see the terrible ghost it's

  John you can't look at you I would not

  have never I you know I i love Eric I

  would never put Eric in with the ghost

  well Eric would make common cause with

  the ghosts may have a hip-hop side

  project by morning

  alright just busting busting some tracks

  I you're in the loop

  I I think of you is a despite the

  extreme irrationality of the most

  aspects of your personality I think of

  you as a rational person I don't give

  you as a post-enlightenment kind of

  character

  I don't believe in ghosts if that's what

  you're giving i'm not sure what i'm

  getting at but use don't seem like

  somebody I could see you getting up and

  thinking there it goes for a while maybe

  up to the point you made it through your

  vegan breakfast which i assume is all

  they serve in remind that's right and so

  foodie breakfast and then I could but it

  seems like at some point you wait

  it sounds to me that I like as as you

  sit here today you still think something

  was going on there

  well this is the problem with with these

  uh with these emotional experiences that

  you have in the middle of the night if

  you are too rigorous in the light of day

  about debunking those things I think you

  do yourself a disservice

  I think if you are woken up in the

  middle of the night by an army of ghouls

  walking across the park and you are

  scared enough that you jump out in naked

  and drive away it doesn't serve you

  it doesn't serve the the the magical

  aspects of the world

  to the following day

  pish-posh yourself and say oh that must

  have just been a barber car especially

  if you're not getting it all the time

  you're getting that all the time you

  need to talk to somebody but that's the

  thing right is what happens once every

  four years

  yeah i just i have to give some credence

  to it and if you were to sit down next

  to me now and say well reviewer for

  instance to call me on the phone and

  talk to me on a podcast and say do you

  believe that there was an army of ghouls

  well do you believe in an army of ghouls

  I would say no if you saw somebody on

  Oprah who's talking about this you know

  how much you enjoy watching reruns of

  Oprah you would you would say if

  somebody came on as a whole show about

  people who seen armies of things

  ghoulish soldiers you would say I'm not

  so sure about that right I'm not so sure

  right but my own experience I just

  simply can't discount it like for

  instance one time we were on tour and

  our van caught on fire in death valley

  and there's no reason for us to be a

  Death Valley except that I we had a day

  off and I suggested that instead of

  going to Las Vegas we would go to drive

  across Death Valley instead and

  everybody in the van i don't i'm not

  sure whether they agreed or whether they

  actually asked to measure matters

  it's very hard for me sometimes to tell

  the difference between them agreeing and

  aqueous and clearly they're really

  struggling for breath as it was they

  looked up from their interactive devices

  long enough to give me what I took as a

  not so we're driving across Death Valley

  and sadly the brakes failed and

  definitely is a very it's a very the

  brakes family van was on fire

  well no that's how the mountains are the

  brakes failed and death valley is very

  mountainous know the way that it that it

  ends up being so far below sea level is

  not that it just sorta tapers down it

  you go up a really big mountain and then

  you go really far down a mountain even

  further down than the place where he

  started and then your hundred people of

  sea-level same with the brakes concave

  right

  yes it's like a contact lens in the

  and so the thing catches on fire because

  that because I burned through the brakes

  and then burned through I just burned

  through it all and so the ban is burning

  and where we jump out and we we throw

  our will our bottles of water on her

  then we throw our bottles of P that

  every band has in their van we throw

  that on the burning breaks and then

  we're sitting in the middle of the night

  did I mention it was the middle of the

  night we're sitting in the middle of the

  night in death valley where the brakes

  hot because he'd been you got an

  automatic right you're not going to be

  clutching your way with Hills is because

  you just been overusing the brakes and

  they got overheated while the bread the

  brakes were gone and yeah they got they

  got overheated it was metal-on-metal for

  a wolf and it's it's it's late night

  it's late at night

  we're standing on the side of the road

  in death valley there's not another

  living soul for miles in any direction

  clear night and we're standing there

  looking at the bank when water with

  energy this is this is we're stuck here

  we're gonna die here and I look over and

  what had in my peripheral vision would

  have appeared to be like a a giant radio

  transmission tower that had some red

  lights on it I realized kind of it at

  the same moment that I saw it move

  I realized there were no radio there are

  no high-tension power lines out here

  this is death valley where the middle of

  nowhere and I look over and this high

  tension power line tower is moving

  across the sky at at the at the pace at

  a walking pace and it's also rotating so

  that and it's and this is happening and

  it's moving behind a mountain as I see

  it and I look over and I go what the

  hell is that and we all look except Eric

  Eric was Eric had walked away from the

  van and was out in the desert with a

  flashlight turning over rocks looking

  for snakes and scorpions and so I say

  look at that and everybody looks and we

  all go and eric is like these night

  blind because he has this flashlight

  and by the time Eric looks up and gets

  his night-vision the thing has moved

  behind the mountain but the rest of us

  all saw this thing this crazy thing I

  could you know i just did you generate

  this point beyond Michael or Michael or

  he's also i will actually now that I

  think about an appeal had flown to some

  other show cause he was he was looking

  for is it who else saw this besides just

  it was just Jonathan actually was just

  mean ok but we both thought and neither

  of us words was able to describe it in a

  way that sounded like the thing that the

  other person he didn't see it just

  because he wanted to agree with you

  no no he was like whoa and then he

  started talking about it like it was

  some kind of trapezoid cool and I was

  like it cool and I said there wasn't a

  trapezoid it was a it was a triangular

  and he's like no no it was a

  quadrilateral and so we couldn't agree

  but anyway if people say to me what you

  believe in UFOs I say oh you could be

  sure that she might believe in that UFO

  but I saw that your phone maybe it was a

  government experiment maybe it was a

  radio tower that had come unrooted as it

  wasn't more like a movie with my at or

  or more like like a Zeppelin or I me

  said was walking right let's say it was

  a Zeppelin that had no skin on it that

  was tumbling end over end low like

  hurling like a like a poorly kick

  football

  yeah except really slow

  [Music]

  well and your fans on fire and advance

  on fire this this this this sounds like

  some kind of rejected david lynch thing

  that was a hell of a night let me tell

  you what you do d duty to the interplay

  well no no there's no cell phone service

  because we're in the middle of dead

  valid death valley so you don't like you

  like other people driving

  oh hell no nobody else is gonna drive my

  van now one captains in charge now when

  Captain burn up the brakes is in charge

  so what I did I swear to you I put it in

  gear low gear and drove without touching

  the brakes for 60 miles your king and

  sometimes we were going really fast and

  sometimes we were going really slow but

  I just I just said you know what we're

  gonna do we're just gonna we're just

  going to hurtle down this mountain and

  hope and pray that there are no hairpin

  turns and there were none so we just

  hurdled down the mountain and out into

  the desert and we rolled through the

  flat desert for many many miles until we

  arrived in a town and we pulled into the

  town still without having touch the

  brakes pulled into the parking lot of a

  Ford dealership which was right next to

  a motel so we pulled into the ford

  dealership and went got a room at the

  motel in the morning i went over told

  them to fix the breaks they spent all

  day doing it because the firebreak fire

  had also burned some other important

  parts but they had it done by three in

  the afternoon we were in la by five in

  time for sound check it yeah is

  so improbable in so many ways well

  that's rock and roll Merlin batteries

  that's how Rock and Roll plays out does

  it benefit no no we got paid for that

  show largo where you play space space

  place

  hmm might have been spaced place that

  was during the house during the era when

  I was away it was our tour and who's the

  british guy in la that have the taste

  making indie rock radio show

  Rodney on the rock know the Oh nikka

  nikka yeah morning when it comes to

  collect their morning becomes eclectic

  with Nick what's but yep and presence is

  married name for years he took his

  wife's name was what about she's from

  land from Wales for years he was a you

  know that's one of those shows where if

  you're an indie rock band you go play

  morning becomes eclectic and we had been

  saying for a long time here want to have

  us down there and they would say oh we

  love you guys we play your stuff all the

  time but on this tour they just booked

  we don't have any opening slots because

  mob wise coming in and presidents and so

  this was one of those tours where we

  were somewhere in the Midwest and our

  people were saying hey why don't you

  have the long winters on Morning Becomes

  eclectic and they're like oh absolutely

  you know that sounds like a great deal

  let's check the schedule and then right

  before we got there

  they're like oh sorry we can't you know

  something came up and and and we we

  can't we have to pull your slot or

  something with that we were like oh

  again you know not on we don't get to go

  on Morning Becomes eclectic and so all

  of the LA indie-rockers think their

  music from here or not going to hear

  about us and we're never going to be

  famous and then we get a phone call from

  the openers on our tour a band called

  what made Milwaukee famous foo and they

  were calling us to say all we just got

  offered morning becomes eclectic and so

  we have to like we have to drive all

  through the night to go do it isn't that

  exciting

  that was like did you put got talent

  and that was as you know about me I'm

  you know I very dignified over there are

  some things i don't i don't bear with

  equanimity who so many insults I cannot

  bear hope perfidious some perfidious

  nasai will not bear the perfect it was

  duplicitous of deliciousness of another

  thing I won't bury hardwood or whatever

  his name is there that studies that's

  fucked up John and so this wasn't this

  was one of those moments when i said i

  know that this is I know that that to

  adopt this attitude is to only do a

  disservice to myself because morning

  becomes eclectic does not care really

  if the long winters ever play on their

  show because they are a media juggernaut

  and they will turn up they will gobble

  up bands and speed them out there radio

  and it has their pick of meeting men

  right their desires it's a buyers market

  it is a buyers market and they you know

  they lured that over bands and i said i

  will not play the show now I do not care

  if they come to me on bended knee they

  have insulted me and i will not ever

  appear on this stupid taste making radio

  show that will that is a career-maker i

  will not go to refuse em and I mean it's

  not like we turn down a bunch of offers

  from them subsequently how did you

  present that was that was that in like

  gmail theses to a tree or this is my

  internal tribunal just steaming because

  i have actually have a sort of have a

  legislature in my head and different

  characters getting you have a you have a

  cognitive deliberative body i have a

  deliberative body that's right and and

  different personalities get up and make

  very impassioned speeches and the other

  legislators some of them you know her

  mom firm rasberry rhubarb rhubarb and

  others you know trying to shut me down i

  have a quorum later you can hang on a

  second

  are you there are you the room or you

  the body or you the decision in this

  exactly

  that's probably it that's part of the

  deliberation i am the room i am the body

  and i am the decision and that is the

  very beginning in the beginning was the

  word and the Word was John and then it's

  Turtles all the way down ten dollars in

  18-49 the equivalent would be two

  hundred and ninety-eight dollars and

  twenty-eight cents in today's dollars

  that's to sleep on board

  well I'm stating some hotels that cost

  more than that don't know I little more

  little bored and I right never picked

  New York City i stayed on somebody

  else's dime

  i'm happy to say i stayed I we're in

  times square because it was near where

  we had to do a thing and it was

  literally five hundred dollars a night

  and they didn't mention that they were

  shutting off the water at seven in the

  morning i guess i mentioned it was on a

  piece of paper somewhere on a desk but

  what by the way your five-hundred-dollar

  night hotel room will not have water

  renovations everything in New York is

  constantly being renovated

  yeah i mean it's it's like it's like

  what you like to paint the Golden Gate

  Bridge they're always paying great

  brakes are they just going to start over

  it's already time to repaint the bridge

  yeah it's like you've always been at war

  you know what I mean with shanna or

  whatever I had one of those in chicago i

  stated again not on my dime but a very

  nice hotel there on the lake on the gold

  coast and at seven o'clock in the

  morning i woke up to the sound of some

  guys who were standing right outside my

  window although it was on the 24th floor

  because they were standing on a giant

  crane that was at seven o'clock in the

  morning proceeding to like swing a

  wrecking ball at the building next door

  and I felt the same way like this hotel

  I mean you could feed a Romanian village

  for a year with what this hotel room

  costs and and and lice and I feel like

  I'm in a 50-gallon drum with bowling

  balls going over the Niagara Falls

  [Music]

  which is which you probably have done at

  one point or another I think it's very

  frustrating and you know that the way

  they try to do this now is they got like

  the fakie boutique hotels i blame a lot

  of this on the wi like a w I stayed at

  the W there in your city

  yeah it's a nice place i think though

  the whole thing of going in and getting

  a urine-soaked oba hotel and then

  charging $300 and because you got black

  carpeting i don't i don't love this

  pattern and I think a lot of people were

  doing it more poorly they make the room

  smaller and then there's disco all night

  all night long there's a disco i stated

  place in New York is very costly John

  they had a white noise machine built

  into the room because so deafening was

  the disco i think was like Italian disco

  yeah she's worse than regular disco and

  just going to stay all night and your

  thing is you're basically you're inside

  like a big the costly toilet paper tube

  it's just I don't know a lot about

  physics but the booming of the italian

  disco flies up this chimney of pain

  you're sleeping you're on the perimeter

  of the chimney of paint and it's just

  it's coming straight up on my long

  yeah it's like trying to sleep in the in

  the bathroom of a virgin america flight

  that's a nice for the day and nice

  flights want to stick the fucking apples

  in your ear it's ridiculous

  21 Seattle is nice well that this

  boutique hotel thing is sweeping the

  nation the ace hotel doesn't love the

  ace does it really well have you stayed

  at the ACO need to you live there

  well I've said all the Aces to you can I

  did you compensate the room I was in

  that time I did it it was it was a

  really in that manager was just the best

  yeah place in seattle is forget his name

  but he's from enemies from Boston and

  he's the best if you ever need to sleep

  in seattle and your mom's house is full

  go to the ACE i thought i was very

  impressed with the ACE I think about

  days though is that it is an old

  flophouse the walls are little Finn you

  can hear people having sex in the room

  next door i did i told you this

  yeah well no I it's a common experience

  a nice place to go have sex like it but

  it was like you're in a high school play

  and it said now have sex for six hours

  it was like it was like two people

  yelling realized well than i did like

  people yelling for Samuel French think

  it's very costly

  since and they mostly were just yelling

  for a few hours and ladies coming ah ah

  she's like she's stuck gets unstuck in a

  zipper

  yeah then your common thing with young

  people i think that they have seen so

  much porn

  yes but they have no concept of how to

  have sex

  where they aren't performing for an

  invisible camera

  oh I i totally agree and you're making

  fake noises they're making fake faces

  have you ever had well you have been

  married for a long time no but I had

  I've had had sex twice before I got

  married and I may I can remember me more

  about it was no but listen here's the

  thing you and I were raised properly we

  were raised we masturbate in magazines

  we understood there was a certain level

  of uh artful artifice to this we

  understood that you know what I mean no

  but you know what sometimes you wash off

  the fucking greasepaint you get off the

  goddamn stage he just got to just you

  just go downtown you get the business

  done and then you go to sleep maybe

  watch a movie but you know I think I

  think these kids they get the porn very

  early and plus you got you got you got

  christina aguilera it's not just the

  kids it's a it's all the people that are

  like watching porn compulsively

  Christina Aguilera if she's very shiny

  and I just pray to God that that's

  Purell because I think she's she's

  looking like a doorknob

  it's a good to do it's douche i don't

  think it's due

  well it was originally it was do now its

  place that's like entertainment bukkake

  I don't know what's going on somebody

  needs to get a fucking squeegee a hose

  on that lady and she's just getting

  shinier and shinier and I think that's

  what you're facing nowadays you got the

  YouTube right you know and then people

  just yelling there's a lot of yelling

  there's not a face making like I get a

  base base when we look up a tab and the

  bad bass players making that bass face

  and I have guitar face i've been told

  that our face you don't have that

  there's this there's this sex face that

  you see now where people like you know I

  work we can be people there you go

  what why are you making that face what

  do you--what do you see that John was

  watching numbers are you on youtube or

  where do you see that would be 6a so you

  know I and as there's someone who isn't

  married i have encountered a no

  not-not-not I should tremendous

  cross-section of of sex faces but I've

  seen I've seen a few secs faces and and

  you know it

  natural one is one at a certain point in

  in the act of sex

  one hopes that one loses us the sense of

  self-awareness one loses if one is doing

  it correctly truly ecstatic state if you

  like where you are no longer aware of

  how you appear if you can't you're doing

  sex recognition sing them you're if

  you're mean if you're making intercourse

  the correct way I hope you'll agree with

  this you should look pretty stupid

  you're gonna look stupid

  you should both look stupid yeah sure

  learn arabic if you don't look stupid

  you're doing it wrong yeah you don't

  know you're going to look terrible

  you're gonna look like somebody like

  like somebody just ran you through an

  oil pipeline or like i don't know as i

  get older more things to me look like

  someone trying to have a BM like when

  people have intercourse because that's

  your benchmark that's your benchmark was

  also successful BM you don't get to pick

  your problems in life John they pick you

  up just like thug life

  I assume but here's one thing I've been

  doing this sex acts so much it's like

  one of my best p.m. i said this recently

  on a social media site that I think I

  think that's what happens when

  especially teenagers in my neighborhood

  the matheletes the Chinese rap Chinese

  kids been through their teeth

  I think the idea of looking tough looks

  a lot like they're trying to decide

  whether they're having a PM it's not

  even a turtle nests are going there

  sitting there going I i'm not sure what

  this is but this is the way I look and I

  tell you know what that is that's the 21

  Jump Street gangster face that's like a

  twenty-year-old reference John this

  isn't an old show is nothing like we're

  in college

  21 Jump Street yeah that was that was

  the show we're at the time it was

  released it was really street or at

  least it will pursue it was perceived as

  being really street so they swapped out

  Johnny Depp for Richard Grieco was at

  that show i think Johnny Depp was in it

  for the whole time but actually this is

  richard grieco is here footless who is

  he

  I have no idea let's see related James

  Franco all those people with ethnic

  names I feel like they're all the same

  have mixed feelings about James Franco

  and very interested in James Franco but

  I kind of mixed feelings

  he looks to board Frankie spreading

  himself a little thin I see him and I

  think I look at is a look at his resume

  and I go oh right this is the resume

  when I was in high school this is the

  resume that i thought i would have

  like seven Ivy League degrees cooler

  painful i'm really pull Ivy League

  schools plus he's doing awards shows and

  eating his arms in which his arm in the

  movie he's his arm he he is on a he's on

  a soap opera and people think it's an

  art installation he goes to an art

  installation people think the sports

  opera Rick Springfield did a long time

  ago in here but nobody thought he was an

  art slice from australia i think Rick

  Springfield's I don't have the job to

  check that we're going to class dog can

  i just say i have not I i can feel like

  i can summon James Franco's face and at

  least in my head with my filing system i

  have its kind of he's a little bit James

  Dean via the this murky guy from 91 out

  9125 which was the show which was the

  show with trevor rabin that one with the

  summer Rae but John Anderson that's 9125

  right John Anderson from yes and from

  Arabia and that was produced by Trevor

  Horn I think not extremely horny don't

  you windows the TV show 9125 yes record

  that's the Graduate great yes record you

  think it's Rachel I don't tell it's like

  those Don Henley records I can't

  separate them from my teenage its kind

  of ways that the Fairlight what are they

  using on that a lot of fairlight and it

  wasn't like an early their lap top that

  they have the stamp you know 60 or side

  of the the yeah I don't get yamaha dx7

  the Nexus 7 is like paneling in the

  eighties basement that cannot be removed

  it's all that one stupid what's love got

  to do with it like Flutie harmonic

  ething yeah it's on everything i was

  watching something the other day a

  television show maybe or or a movie

  probably youtube bloody so much meet you

  it was some kind of moving pictures with

  sound and and the soundtrack was they

  hadn't even if they hadn't even moved to

  the faders under dx7 sound wave pattern

  had not been altered it was just some

  guy playing some chords on a dx7 and I

  wanted to I wanted to throw the entire

  whatever device that was I was watching

  it on even if that was a movie theater I

  want to throw it in the ocean right

  because it wasn't intended to be funny

  it was just like whoever the music

  supervisor who whoever the music

  supervisor was it was that that person

  was related to the director they had to

  because there's no other way they could

  have gotten that job don't you think

  every night every era but it just seems

  like there are certain sounds that are

  never going to escape that area i would

  say in there for at least the

  mid-eighties it was the dx7 and the

  fucking Phil Collins over gated snares

  yeah but i can't i'm not going to go on

  record as being against gated snails

  come on i lived through those anti gated

  snare Wars where every time you walk

  into a studio that'd be somebody student

  let yall smuggler but it is because

  you're friends with chris wallace and he

  likes Bowie this is your problem this is

  your problem not your problem chris

  wallace problem i came of age during

  this time when when when when you were

  not supposed to use reverb on things

  that you are not supposed to get your

  snares and and my feeling then as now is

  if you do it and it works now we're just

  gonna have to agree that you're wrong

  what an idea of a copy of David Bowie's

  low i heard you heard it right heard

  yeah okay now that you're allowed to use

  gate that's 1977 and I think a lot of

  the wallet I don't let that super

  familiar with chris wallace like exact

  production things but I think he's an

  acolyte or a follower of that like let's

  put another mic over here and get it

  idea right so you get this weird you get

  a day so i think thatís does too but

  you get like kind of a snappy echo that

  only comes in after a certain amount of

  the trigger right so what would use that

  but it's not he doesn't overuse and

  bearing ok you wasn't Walsman a his

  principal is if you have something like

  that like a trick you use it once on a

  record this is the John Vanderslice

  ization of indie rock

  well now vanderslice that you point that

  you coin that yeah that's it

  vanderslice is a different here that's a

  different candle wax lander slices then

  going to run it

  he's gonna he's gonna print it to tape

  he's going to hand it to an intern and

  he's going to buy that in turn a one-way

  ticket to Istanbul

  and the kids going to run stamp on it

  just stamp on it he's gonna go to his

  double and he's gonna you know he's

  gonna give it to you had call that

  people lay hands on it and then bring it

  back and they call it the Turkish stomp

  and then you bring it back you run it

  through something you get a bit crusher

  on it

  yeah right breasts are exactly what

  you're going through run through the

  hands and a rat and then what do i do

  then you literally throw it out because

  usually it's too much then you realize

  that too much

  no i did i'm not above that we had a

  track on our first record where we had

  Scott McCoy from the young fresh fellows

  come in and stand in the room we

  couldn't think of anything for him to do

  to the track because there was there was

  too much music under already so we just

  put a microphone pointed it at Scott

  McCoy and had him stand there for three

  minutes and then as we were mixing it we

  just brought up the sound of Scotland

  boy in the room into the track so he's

  on there

  let's take it a little more coin in my

  headphones it's just the sound of him

  perspiring and it's on the track that

  must have taken a lot of restraint for

  him he seems like an energetic guy

  well I think I think he was you know he

  was reading or something

  their second album didn't you he played

  harmonica but you sampled it to do

  something weird with didn't separate he

  so we're we're running the track by he's

  out in the room he has a here's this

  boomerang pedal which is a kind of

  little sampler looper device her and he

  starts playing the harmonica into this

  thing he's not paying attention to us at

  all

  he's listening to the track go by

  playing harmonica into this and starts

  looping it and then he's playing the

  looper and this is not a computer you

  know this is like this is a foot pedal

  he's playing the his harmonica part and

  we just tracked it as he did it I mean

  we didn't we didn't do any within monkey

  with it at all he just laid that track

  down he's an enormously creative

  individual that's Brian bridal right

  correct

  I don't know that song I I yeah but you

  know what i like that song still there's

  hope we have a young fresh fellows fan

  of the massive young freshman you could

  be from the Northwest during that era

  and not know every one of those that was

  a man that one song i can just I can and

  do listen to it over and over

  have you seen the young fresh fellows

  recently first no semicolon I the first

  show i saw when i moved to Tallahassee

  1991 was young fresh fellows it was a it

  was on the this one's for the ladies i

  want to say yeah which is on a belief

  well young fresh fellows still are able

  to get come together and put on an

  amazing rock show i'm gonna be playing a

  show with them tomorrow I can guess why

  two words it's her

  my guess is gonna guess to block that

  brings the ruckus he really does but a

  general statement she still jumps right

  jumps around is amazing they all jump

  car and the that they really have it all

  but the reason for the show tomorrow is

  what there's just one word you need to

  say and weekends benefit it is a benefit

  but it's a benefit for a good cause but

  the second is the second kind of benefit

  right it's a benefit for your friend is

  that it that's right that's exactly

  right it's the good kind of benefit

  which is the one where you know the

  person and you care about them

  you should write about this yeah i wrote

  about it i wrote about the wrong kind of

  benefit the kind where somebody cold

  calls you and says hey I've got a thing

  that I've got a I've got an event that i

  want you to donate your time and effort

  to that will really do nothing for any

  problems that we have a friend is he he

  suffers from ass polyps we're gonna be

  at the crocodile and it would be OH some

  you know if you could come in headline

  it I got it I got an email from a kid on

  facebook the other day who said i'm

  putting together some benefit shows to

  benefit my

  benefit my

  a charity and my charity is called

  charities for benefits

  let's look at the handsy scheme it was

  its eye I see this all the time young

  people they think oh I want to do

  something good I want to help with other

  people get a job exactly habitat for

  humanity we don't need another we don't

  need another charity goes Liz lose the

  Hat you know cover the tattoos and

  fucking grab a broom yeah good donate

  some time you started go what go wash a

  car show but please pick up pick up an

  old person off the ground these kids are

  too important yeah they're all people

  lying on the ground what you want to do

  it all through the one thing is the book

  facebook is not a job it's an election

  they do that they're the two they think

  they're too fucking important to go work

  for somebody else's to way too important

  because they have they went to college

  for two years and so they're gonna start

  a new charity and this new charity is

  going to really this is going to be the

  thing that really helps people and the

  way this charity is going to earn money

  is they're going to ask their favorite

  bands to play for free and because of

  everybody knows that bans make millions

  and millions of dollars and so they can

  just give it on you so you're gonna have

  a show and it's gonna run 1 million

  dollars and the band isn't going to miss

  it because they'll just go play another

  show and make another million any idea

  what kind of exposure you get out of

  something like that you get a lot of

  exposure lot of exposure you know the

  payment is the exposure the rest is just

  gravy

  because you loved to play music that's

  why it's you should you get to do that a

  lot of people don't get to do that

  because they have a job but this is also

  this is the kind of this is very much

  the the sex face hat types they wanted

  they just think they can they can sit

  around with their with the facebook and

  go make up a charity and a hard-working

  man like you a man from Alaska and

  Washington is going to show up

  I just want my hammer yeah so right oh

  yeah I'm sawing hammering sawing a

  hatchet in fact i wanna catch it but

  fell off a ladder and hit me on the head

  but I don't want to recapitulate now I

  angry tirades against the young asshat

  say we're gonna need a lot of Z if we

  keep doing this we're going to need to

  probably come back around to that at

  some point well I'm glad that you're

  taking notes in advance because I mean

  at first I thought that was going to

  inhibit us

  I would never do anything knowledgeably

  knowingly to to inhibit us but I'm not

  you like to make notes I has already has

  an index cards i have something but

  here's the problem John this is the

  problem and I you know I do the the

  stuff they talk about things and like

  this is the problem people say to me oh

  you're being fancy you're being fancy by

  wanting to know why I want to have an

  hour and a half long meeting with you

  can't we just schedule a phone call and

  it could be what we're going to talk

  about life and it could be i'm just

  gonna fart it could just be your you

  know I'm gonna tell you I'm gonna pitch

  you about my new my new enterprise

  solution it's like you know what fucking

  write down what you want you want an

  hour and a half of my life like write

  down what you want to talk about is that

  so complicated

  yeah and here's the problem is that does

  not make me fancy it makes you stupid

  right

  not me but you know no no I'm clearly

  the other people that's the problem and

  that's the real problem that's the

  problem that's this is literally the ad

  at behind the mountain the bigger

  problem the era can't see cause he's

  fucking around with scorpions and a

  flashlight

  my concern is that i'm not being fancy

  you are you are not taking it seriously

  if you if you not being you being every

  literally everyone else if you are if

  you are that upset about me wanting to

  know why you want a fucking hour and a

  half of my time

  the problem is you my friend you need to

  think about your priorities if you like

  you need to think about that because if

  you're not taking that time seriously

  why would anyone else and I think that's

  the problem

  your move and you do this for a living

  you know you're not do this you don't

  you don't get late anymore look at you

  I know right this is not what you do and

  if you're gonna play a show Brando

  that's not even with a chair which era

  like the apocalypse now Marlon Brando

  Martin Brando all right he's learning a

  heart attack in a partner now got

  different guy

  um I want to come back to this one

  company you taught me what you had most

  of what passes as as corporate business

  time most of what is happening in

  business is people just improvising ways

  to kill hours of the day between when

  they have to be at work and when they

  get to go home and so they only have an

  hour and a half for the work to do but

  they have to go to court work work work

  so sick

  and a half hours of the day they're

  sending e-mails back and forth to each

  other and having meetings with each

  other and walking from cubicle to

  cubicle generating you know kinetic

  energy generating static electricity

  basically as a way of you know of

  looking like it's looking like they're

  working and you if you're going to

  generate six hours of static electricity

  it's going to be because you are because

  you're humping your couch or whatever

  like me I don't wanna environment as if

  I'm gonna be I'm gonna spend that six

  hours i want to spend in the bathtub i

  don't want to spend it sitting leaving

  on a water cooler but the problem is now

  you're the dick riding the dick when

  somebody says we're the dick and this is

  the problem is that somebody comes to

  you and out of nowhere you know they

  just I it's not a problem like I'm sure

  you play benefits for things you care

  about like when your pals house burns

  down or whatever you go happily play a

  benefit because the benefit tomorrow but

  somebody thinks it through they do a

  thing and they say here's the thing you

  know that one guy he's got a problem

  with complaints benefit I think it's a

  very long way from a guy with a hat and

  figured out how to get something on

  facebook and now that's a charity

  somehow I think that's automatic I think

  there should be a way to vet this and I

  i think that the the last thing they

  need is to have some kind of charity

  about their charity and you know really

  you know now and half a very long time

  for a phone call any oil in any case but

  this is the way these people work this

  is that sa somebody wrote a few years

  ago that was interesting about the

  difference between like you know the

  hammer swing and developers and the

  managers the managers are used to slice

  on their day in into one hour blocks of

  literal bullshit figuratively literal

  bullshit

  whereas forgot lakhs of bullshit hmmm I

  uh huh that's why I that's why I left

  Oklahoma and never went back

  that's right oh if you've ever been a

  little bullshit farmer you know that

  those days are hard time here the Dust

  Bowl was very hard on that I think Simon

  a book about that the shutters you get

  the ship cutters blockers but anyway but

  every time somebody cut the block of

  shit i'll be there and every time i was

  looking up but i was looking up

  bismarck

  the city or the guy know the former but

  the Chancellor of Germany who and I put

  Bismarck into into google who the first

  name that came up was biz markie that's

  a twenty-year-old failure and a lot of

  levels John I don't know what to do

  nobody cares about Bismarck anymore I

  want to come back the hats i wanna come

  back tattoos i have five added invented

  girls to the list

  just look at women and girls we should

  do a whole thing on girls want to talk

  more about the ghouls and so what I'll

  do is I will capture all of this and and

  share with you i guess i could tell exit

  or something so you can look at our God

  week John 10 but advanced ok juggalos

  and Angelina Jolie was just you know you

  just as the moment as a mom strategy

  because I'm sure between now and the

  next time we talk you're gonna have

  another three by five card fill up with

  ideas I juggling knows he's crazy and

  that's kind of his deal

  I don't think Angelina Jolie really

  knows that she's crazy she has to feel

  like I'm what level I gotta go haha I'm

  silly I'm gonna sing karaoke level or

  like like I'm going to keep human blood

  in a necklace level

  oh yeah I think Angelina Jolie has to

  live in one live in one of the craziest

  bubbles in the universe and inside the

  bubble it's what makes it crazy is that

  it's relentlessly saying is a follow me

  it's a bombing fucking 72 degrees we

  just you just pick up kids like like

  like free free newspapers you just get

  them you collect them yet

  it's gonna be a weird bubble no I but

  she's in there she's in there buttering

  toast

  she's in there with some lightly melted

  butter she's just buttering perfectly

  toasted bread thinking this is all

  totally normal do to do to do i am a

  normal person i would if i could find

  out not a creepy way but i would find

  out where she lives and go nowhere near

  whatever playground she has access to

  because i think it's probably disappear

  I don't think she can control it anymore

  i think it I think it's like it's like

  it's like shoplifting or getting a

  tattoo which he has many of you can't

  you can't control anymore

  this is the thing when you have

  unlimited money and unlimited power

  like how that manifests itself whoo-hoo

  if my feeling is that if you use

  unlimited money and unlimited power and

  your and your instinct is to help kids

  you are a creep you know what I mean

  like that's creepy not really

  how would you know what will be a better

  use of that something work myself

  involved

  absolutely you should be living in a

  castle and you should have a place

  Rocking boys peeling grapes for you or

  like it lasers and elevators large tvs

  you should be like a mad scientist and a

  Jonathan Coulton song who you should not

  be any metaphorical no literally

  ok you should live in a jonathan coulton

  song you should not be living in an

  upper west side apartment who and have

  and be married to Woody Allen and I

  walking around with this roller walk

  around the stroller and coffee and act

  like that's fucking normal

  it's not normal but it's not normal and

  that doesn't even make sense if you had

  that kind of dough and you were not

  spending it on something completely

  insane that is a form of insanity

  you should have a Maserati with white

  leather carpet white leather floors are

  you boy

  wait white leather carpeting Cena that

  you know what right there this is why

  there should be a charity for you

  somebody you know what get halfway to go

  start a charity for you because I think

  if you're if you're functioning on a

  level and i have to say this is a very

  different level than a lot of people are

  functioning on laterally and and

  hierarchically if you can come up with

  something like white leather carpeting

  there's no fucking reason that you

  should be living in that farmhouse here

  and you should be somewhere you should

  be somewhere much more interesting and

  potentially terrifying think about if

  James Franco and I switched places and I

  what I had James Franco's power i had

  his is like our credibility and his his

  ability to walk into a room blase and

  stoned and had everybody in the room

  think that he's the coolest permanent

  permanent sex face if I had permanent

  sex phase and was livings and was like

  commuting between New Haven and New York

  City and LA and fucking budapest or

  whatever james franco is doing this week

  if I had that power you think I wouldn't

  have

  leather carpet I'm talking would and you

  know he's probably living in a loft

  space where he had some some friend of

  his cum spray paint a mural you know

  sprinting a mural that has like that has

  a six in it or something and and and

  he's like a wedgie

  well you know he's got a refrigerator

  and all that's in there is Cristal

  champagne and pabst blue ribbon he could

  have white leather carpet person is not

  even a question about it

  the thing is that i want to be up i want

  to go to a much higher level than that i

  would love to get to the white leather

  carpeting level and if I did I i would

  be an unholy combination of like Robert

  Evans and cthulhu I would be I would be

  causing so many problems for so many

  people

  the line between Robert Evans and

  Cthulhu is not really that dick I think

  Robert Evans has more phones parties

  always on the phone

  oh my god that would be so that you just

  you just you just gave me a vision in my

  horrific mythical character with white

  leather carpeting one another car for

  you bet your ass is and 30 phones on the

  desk

  30 phones all of them just ringing all

  the time program to rain

  they're not even phone calls no just

  this is it's like that it's like that

  scene in Boogie Nights where the where

  the kids throwing firecrackers huh in

  now exhale god I love that scene and

  shipped all over my house

  they're just old fashioned phone's

  constantly ringing everybody knows

  there's nobody there and not not ringing

  like ring ring ring but like a ringing

  randomly random pattern somewhere in

  your head even though he has literally

  been dead for years you're thinking it

  could be charlie bit hard it's maybe him

  pick-up-the-phone forgot to pick up the

  phone was Frank Sinatra fan of me he was

  not all right I want to come back to the

  jugglers and Frank Sinatra Frank Sinatra

  is not drawn this very bar took a shit

  on my wife's chest and it was a fucking

  honor take a shit right now if you have

  not had taken a shit on Ali McGraw

  you're not

  lived she's the most beautiful woman

  I've ever met Charlie bhutan I gotta go

  we gotta go we gotta get this angelina

  jolie thing figured out and I week at

  for a variety of reasons we have to come

  back to tattoos but we should we should

  follow up on that later now that can't

  be a running the country right now jesus

  fucking christ the chili we gotta get

  this here's my problem i have i have six

  different kinds of canned chili

  downstairs and I don't want any of

  transporting Travis more senior chili

  one-time charges more as it tried to eat

  my chili and I stood a thwart his i

  stood i stood for the pantry door and

  said stop who

  but his band of his band of as burgers

  in Iraq ding-dongs ended up doing an end

  run and ate all my pasta

  here's here's a loser here's your new

  dismemberment plan he touched my fucking

  chill you lose a hand that's you need to

  send dismemberment plan

  yeah i hear the problem with the get

  canned chili

  ok it's like hormel or do you get like

  Arsenal silly from i'm always trying to

  find the perfect and chili I realize you

  can't put chili in a can

  I mean you can who but but that's not

  the chili than I want I want I want I

  want super good homemade chili who

  because they're too many things that can

  go wrong between a cow in a field and a

  can of chili and we're not getting where

  to begin

  like here's a counter field he's eating

  grass sunny day and then there's

  something happens a lot of those beans

  are not getting treated like the Hope

  Diamond either i would not cry might be

  a I'm a beam i'm on a bean plant i'm in

  the infield it's sunny day and then

  something happens and boom I'm in a can

  of chili whatever that something is in

  between its I can't be good and you know

  I i like to eat cows who but i don't i

  want to eat a cow that was having a nice

  day and then somebody was like hey Cal

  come here

  hey buddy come here I want to show you

  something and then I was the last thing

  the cow ever saw and then those people

  were like oh this cow he gave his life

  for this meat and we should cherish it

  we should we should treat it like a like

  the sacrament that

  it is and put it into this handcrafted

  chili over that is so sacred and

  delicious that the cow is proud to have

  been a part of this chilly in retrospect

  a day for Cal could

  if the cow could see this chilly this

  cow the cow would have been proud but I

  don't think that's what happens i think

  that they walk they take some cows and

  they shot them with electricity until

  they run into a fan blade and then they

  have push brooms and they push the all

  the stuff on the floor into like a chili

  kannur time and that's not cool that's

  not what I want

  hey that is that once a bit byzantine

  and extremely simplified which is pretty

  much what i would expect the process of

  making chili to be just accept that puts

  I put cinnamon in it

  sure there's going to be a little

  cinnamon and a little mustard South

  Carolina I think that South Carolina

  barbecue they put mustard in it so that

  so they run the count to a fan blade and

  then they throw some Helmand they throw

  jar hellmann's in there and a and they

  feel like i canna cinnamon it's nothin

  nothin now that roots clock for chili

  quite likely ok if you had a really hot

  chili I could see little man is on top

  of movie some yogurt i could see that

  being really nice

  see see now that's the sacrament I'm

  talking about that's the chili account

  would be proud to be part of if you're

  going to if you're going to make a

  chilly you're going to break some cows

  and I think with the food is called a

  pairing if you were to take something

  like like a cool shooting their dairy

  product and put that alongside a chilly

  right sure sure like a yogurt like a

  Greek yogurt i guess so

  I mean it would have to be something

  [Music]

  now I see what you mean I went to the

  local I don't want to be this guy but I

  went to the local butcher shop here

  instead of going to the supermarket

  picture i went to Bob's butcher shop the

  other day and I talked to the weird

  Jeffrey Dahmer like son of the butcher

  and he talked my ear off about the meet

  past the point where I cared anymore to

  know about all the stuff that he knew

  about the meat but I brought them home

  and I was I was glad that he he that

  this guy that I was talking to that was

  telling me this meat he actually walked

  I thought that sounds like an episode of

  portlandia I know but he had actually

  walked on the field where the cows lived

  and he was here to a test that it was an

  ice field and that's all I ask how would

  you know if that's true i mean this guy

  seemed incapable of lying first of all

  because he's a butcher is simple

  I mean it's not that he's simple it's

  just that that it

  I don't think of I don't think of the

  butchering life as one with a lot of

  duplicity in it it seems like a stella

  cow that well they have to mislead the

  cow that's not fine

  [Music]

  that's good