0:00:00hello no John I'm Merlin how is it going
0:00:10oh it's a little bit tenuous hmm yeah
0:00:16there's a little bit of tenuous pneus
0:00:18because my rig l my podcasting rig I
0:00:23think I'm getting it though I'm getting
0:00:25the 10 yuasa tea out of it you sound you
0:00:28sound tremendous oh hey thank you you do
0:00:32with it that feels good when someone
0:00:34says you sound tremendous well you sound
0:00:36like you might be inside of like a
0:00:37costly shag rug you're very well
0:00:40buffeted you are you sound good
0:00:42sometimes when you're at your venice
0:00:44beach location it's a little echoey yeah
0:00:47in this case it sounds like you're
0:00:48inside of like a really expensive
0:00:49cardboard box it sounds good yes yes
0:00:51yeah are you doing something different
0:00:53you know what every week is different
0:00:56because because I feel like so much the
0:01:01same and yet somehow different yeah you
0:01:03know Here I am talking to my podcast pal
0:01:05TM and um you know I feel like every
0:01:10week we should we shut off a certain
0:01:15amount of skin flakes and dander right
0:01:18things inside of us die and are replaced
0:01:20by other things Hakuna Matata stuff
0:01:24cycles around goes in it comes out and
0:01:28so why why should I be podcasting from
0:01:32the same location same fashion every
0:01:34week I'm barely the same person I was
0:01:38two weeks ago yeah yeah you that you
0:01:41were two weeks ago is like in your air
0:01:44conditioning filter at this point
0:01:46exactly fingernails grow fingernails get
0:01:49bitten off they grow em to everything
0:01:52turn turn turn that's right my eyelashes
0:01:55go out into my mouth somehow and then I
0:01:59you know depth and so I try to keep it
0:02:05you know I could try to keep it fresh
0:02:07mm-hmm I try to keep a new
0:02:10yeah are you going with my uncle and
0:02:13Aunty and bellaire oh sure sure parents
0:02:17had gone on a vacation uh okay uh I
0:02:21don't like to ask you no questions about
0:02:24things um flash flash was kind of the
0:02:37cousin Oliver of that show they brought
0:02:39him in late to kind of Russian things up
0:02:41he was the scrappydew and I don't want
0:02:45to scrappy do you know how that he was
0:02:47so cute i wanna scrappy-doo he was he
0:02:51was better than most yeah he was better
0:02:54than having some little kid with big big
0:02:56glasses on my show robbie rist robbie
0:02:59rist robbie i think his name is robbie
0:03:01rist Oh without a w oh I was gonna say
0:03:05robbie rist that is a good that's good
0:03:07punk rock name it's a good punk rock
0:03:09name it's a good thing to call somebody
0:03:11that you get that you catch masturbating
0:03:13oh look at him it's rob you know what
0:03:15thank you all right well did Robbie
0:03:17truth Robbie yes now what did would you
0:03:20put it W in front of Robbie Robbie mwr
0:03:25ist i think i just put a hat on a hat so
0:03:28if you google robbie rist Oh see I think
0:03:30he suffers from the same face hair
0:03:33malady that I have let's see here Robbie
0:03:36risk yeah see I think about the one that
0:03:38came on too hot happy days Oh after
0:03:42chachi what there was some there was
0:03:45some kid that was it the songs adopt a
0:03:48kid robbie rist without a w huh yeah uh
0:03:53what what who was they who was the one
0:03:56the kid with the with the glasses that
0:03:58was incongruous given that yeah there he
0:04:01is and he was on which is on memory
0:04:04serves I believe his on the Brady Bunch
0:04:06the Brady Bunch right and he's like a
0:04:09little he looks exactly like John Denver
0:04:11who was very popular on cuz that's a
0:04:13really good point he had that that
0:04:15ubiquitous 70s haircut which our hands
0:04:21you had the the helmet you had the that
0:04:24was named TWiki was it Twiggy
0:04:27spinnerbait twiki and dr. Theophilus
0:04:32that I remember the biddy biddy biddy oh
0:04:34no I always call that the mom the
0:04:38haircut that your mom gives you oh the
0:04:40mom cut yes and there were lots of Mason
0:04:43Reese I don't think he had that haircut
0:04:44but okay so okay born 1964 52 years old
0:04:47so you know the show you know you start
0:04:51out in a certain place and then you go
0:04:52to a different place and you know the
0:04:55the show by the yeah you know it's like
0:04:57gets like in raising arizona you know i
0:04:59gotta get gotta get some new baby
0:05:01because these aren't you know it's
0:05:02huggable anymore you need somebody cute
0:05:04so you add a robbie rist you add a you
0:05:08add a little girl on the family yeah
0:05:11yeah but i don't think you know they
0:05:13I've actually here on the first page of
0:05:14Google the cousin all of those their
0:05:17cousin Oliver syndrome I guess they're
0:05:19saying they're applying to robbie rist
0:05:20always being I think he is the widely
0:05:23regarded as the canonical example of the
0:05:26scrappydew problem did did Mason Reese
0:05:28was he d my bologna has a first name
0:05:30it's ma y ER he was the Borg a smart kid
0:05:33Oh Boris Boris board oh I love to eat it
0:05:37every day soon you ask me while say oh
0:05:42me series look at Google Mason Reese
0:05:44well I just did already here he looks
0:05:47like that easy easy if somebody gets
0:05:51mistaken for Bruce Vilanch you better be
0:05:53big goddamn careful you know it's sort
0:05:56of the Reich mysteries minus Bruce
0:05:58Vilanch equals you know it's the single
0:06:02thing in the entire world that gets
0:06:04under your skin and it's still killing
0:06:06go learned yeah Oh rocky Allen rippy i
0:06:11forgot about Rodney Allen rippy I always
0:06:13mistake the girl that came on to all in
0:06:16the family and then went into the
0:06:18spin-off Archie's place yes Danielle I
0:06:22always a mistake her for the girl in
0:06:25goodbye girl good you know it's a movie
0:06:28i still haven't seen oh come my god I
0:06:30know I know you know I'm putting on the
0:06:31list on go home and watch it right now
0:06:34my husband Richard Dreyfuss won his
0:06:36Academy Award you heard a Duke boys very
0:06:41gates David Gates you don't hear from
0:06:43hearing or hope all Benedict Bentley was
0:06:45in that movie Quinn Cummings there you
0:06:47go Quinn Cummings Paul Benedict does
0:06:52it's really a star turn he should have
0:06:54wanted a get awfully good he really is
0:06:56it's a shame that people may know him
0:06:58from from The Jeffersons I mean he was
0:07:01great on The Jeffersons for sure but
0:07:03yeah he's very very funny well I'm just
0:07:06discovered this twisted old fruit ya I'm
0:07:09just as God made me sir he walks away
0:07:11with spinal taps doses just those
0:07:13glasses this lasses are funny this gun
0:07:15made me I say that I said at least once
0:07:17a week oh I say it all the time yeah I
0:07:19have to I have to pretty stock responses
0:07:22to a random backhanded compliment on
0:07:24Twitter one is I'm just as God made me
0:07:27sir and the other one is a line from a
0:07:29Smith song right I simply say sup girls
0:07:32mothers are bigger than others same
0:07:35record I say that's nothing you should
0:07:37hear me play piano oh sure yeah oh sure
0:07:41I said I know you and you cannot sing
0:07:43that's nothing you should hear me play
0:07:45don't know no funny enough you and I
0:07:47quoted me first melodies have to know
0:07:49I'm singing the third singing the third
0:07:52horrible horrible working yeah we just
0:07:56cited the first and last track on the
0:07:591986 album the queen is dead nineteen
0:08:01eighty-six by which point in time the
0:08:05tide had turned that was the best record
0:08:07we were on to something else by then
0:08:09yeah it has a valedictory kind of that
0:08:13the word I'm looking for it has a yeah I
0:08:16mean you know they did the what they do
0:08:17after that they did rank but no that was
0:08:21that's Cena Meat Is Murder I don't think
0:08:23that's that strong of a record it's got
0:08:25sad master ritual one of the great songs
0:08:27agreed that it is not that strong of a
0:08:29record okay so say there's cheese upon
0:08:32which we can all agree yeah we can agree
0:08:35upon the cheese that the Smiths are not
0:08:37very negative you can't land a fraction
0:08:40we've been working on fractions over
0:08:44here at the house you
0:08:45kidding already well this is the price
0:08:47that she's had a birthday not too long
0:08:49ago yes she did and creamy to say happy
0:08:52birthday to people for their kids it's
0:08:54weird but it was on my calendar so you
0:08:56know belated happy birthday at all you
0:08:57creep oh thank you thank you aware that
0:09:00I I meditated upon and I went holy God
0:09:02how is John's child dattels did you say
0:09:07kumquat a comma or whatever but who will
0:09:10call cops say what could you call me
0:09:13becca boo boo I we did we had a birthday
0:09:18and you know when I said to her would
0:09:22you like to go to the museum or to the
0:09:24zoo or to a a wide open park and she
0:09:28said no I would like to go to the family
0:09:29fun center which is a place here in
0:09:32Seattle that is kind of like being
0:09:34inside a pachinko game oh no is it like
0:09:37a Charles E Cheese it's it's worse it's
0:09:41Thursday Dave's and busters it's like
0:09:44the airport at in Reno know for kids it
0:09:49teaches them how to use slot machines it
0:09:51teaches them overstimulation center it's
0:09:54just like beaming nobody imagines me and
0:09:59but there are also rides like inside
0:10:03rides things that you know those things
0:10:06that take you up high and then drop you
0:10:07down but it's all inside a giant box
0:10:09okay and there's a pizza parlor and if
0:10:12you and when you're playing these arcade
0:10:14games it it rewards you in tickets and
0:10:16then you take the tickets over the
0:10:17counter and you buy a rubber fish or
0:10:19something yeah a rubber fish and then
0:10:21outdoor outdoors there's a miniature
0:10:24golf there's some big big rides and then
0:10:27gas powered go-karts oh my goodness and
0:10:32so she wanted to go I was like I really
0:10:36don't want to you know like we're trying
0:10:38to be we're trying to be good parents
0:10:40we're trying to present ourselves as
0:10:41parents that read the read you stories
0:10:44at night about the you know the Jewish
0:10:47Diaspora we're not trying to be parents
0:10:49that are like we're having a birthday
0:10:51party at you know at the Reno Airport
0:10:55and so all of the moms
0:10:57who go to our sort of a pas de take the
0:11:02places where there's a surpassing number
0:11:04of people vaping yeah oh my god you know
0:11:08her birthday party is at a now a venue
0:11:11where there are police officers
0:11:12stationed well you know well I will come
0:11:16back to this but there's there's the
0:11:17rumor was that there there are rashes of
0:11:19fights that happen at charles e cheeses
0:11:21there's been some research that doesn't
0:11:23exactly prove that but these family fun
0:11:26centers are not always fun for the
0:11:27family let alone near the center boy
0:11:29I'll say all the reason did they serve
0:11:31alcohol at the family fun center at this
0:11:34fun least remember I do not know okay
0:11:36I'm not sure you know I but you notice
0:11:39any any too much adult grab-ass going on
0:11:41Oh plenty plenty of adult grab-ass I
0:11:45mean they're they're cops not only
0:11:46parked out front with their like gang
0:11:48cars they're blacked out gang cars but
0:11:52there are like cops just leaning against
0:11:53the wall in there just like hanging out
0:11:56by ms pacman making sure there's no
0:11:57monkey business going on just hanging
0:11:59out yeah and miss back man you know
0:12:01there was no such thing no this was all
0:12:03like throw the ball into the hoop winner
0:12:06what win a plastic foot long walk uh
0:12:09Anna pizza parlor where they served
0:12:11pictures of different fluorescent
0:12:15colored juice you know like drank
0:12:19basically like green drank freeload like
0:12:22purple drank in case you want to get get
0:12:26screwed up or crunk down yeah so for
0:12:29months every time her birthday would
0:12:32come up which it came up all the time
0:12:34because you know it's a major miles the
0:12:36major thing on her horizon beats with
0:12:38Chris Christmas in terms of the looking
0:12:40forward to you and how this will be
0:12:42different this next time exactly a lot
0:12:45so birthday's coming up here so what did
0:12:48we say we were known as it's like the
0:12:50day of my daughter's wedding it really
0:12:52is it's like The Godfather is not
0:12:54allowed to say no she this is where she
0:12:55tries to jam in the most over-the-top
0:12:58nonsensical thing she says when it's my
0:13:00birthday next time yeah yeah yeah yeah
0:13:03yeah
0:13:04yeah we're going to get a hundred
0:13:05thousand pallets of strawberries and
0:13:07yeah i remember my senior year the
0:13:11anchorage daily news sent a reporter and
0:13:15a photographer to document our senior
0:13:18class all the way through the year and
0:13:21so they showed up at the beginning of
0:13:23this the this our senior year and they
0:13:25picked a half a dozen seniors that they
0:13:29were going to follow all year long and
0:13:31document you know what happened and i
0:13:34was one of the seniors and one of the
0:13:37other seniors was sort of that like the
0:13:39head cheerleader and the night of our
0:13:42prom scene senior ball at two o'clock in
0:13:48the morning I had to go to work because
0:13:50I was a VJ on Anchorage's of course you
0:13:54know music television station catch-22
0:13:56and so you know that the photographer
0:14:00and the reporter one of the things they
0:14:02did that night was they you know cuz i'm
0:14:04there at the dance and then after the
0:14:06dance go to a big party my date and i
0:14:08are there you know kiss under the
0:14:11mistletoe or whatever you do want to
0:14:12senior ball and then i was like sorry
0:14:15I've got to go to work which at the time
0:14:17seemed very baller right very like I've
0:14:21got to go to work at the TV station
0:14:23sorry gotta gotta bail on your little
0:14:25high school party and so there's a
0:14:28picture of me in the in the newspaper in
0:14:30my tuxedo like clocking in to my job
0:14:33where there was no one else right I ran
0:14:35that TV station all by myself in the
0:14:37middle of the night so quadruple e cool
0:14:40like oh they just handed over the TV
0:14:42station to the 17 year old but the girl
0:14:47that was the head cheerleader her mother
0:14:50on the night of the prom where she's
0:14:53getting dressed in some kind of thing
0:14:55from the top of a wedding cake you know
0:14:57like it's like Anna and Elsa but
0:15:01bleached completely white who everything
0:15:04right she's getting dressed up I don't
0:15:06know she had a tiara but almost and her
0:15:08mother says to the reporters after her
0:15:12wedding day tonight is the most
0:15:15important
0:15:15night of her life so we want to make
0:15:18everything perfect God and that sentence
0:15:23just like just reverberation you knew
0:15:26that was a little bit I can do it was
0:15:28just like wait a minute what who how
0:15:31like the prom no and I don't think that
0:15:36that is such a terrible it's alongside
0:15:39like these are the best years of your
0:15:40life like it's such a terrible message
0:15:43yeah no they are not no not no you need
0:15:46for the opposite it gets better as dan
0:15:48savage says like do not oh my god tell
0:15:52the boss you're in a period now that's
0:15:54like a terrible rounding error in your
0:15:55life that you will actually get over
0:15:58your senior ball yeah no no it's no but
0:16:02I also like to compare it to the wedding
0:16:03how great is that yeah right bo to make
0:16:06a man happy this is your last time to be
0:16:08on a wedding cake by herself the wedding
0:16:10which is the most important obviously
0:16:13and the thing is I think that my pet and
0:16:15and this girl who at the time was um you
0:16:19know she was a figure of fascination to
0:16:22me because she was in that other world
0:16:24right she's the head cheerleader shit
0:16:26this is the 80s so her bangs went up
0:16:29like the cliffs of Dover up above her
0:16:32head and were sprayed up into her hair
0:16:35was just this phoenicia dead like that
0:16:36front hair muffin thing we're kind of
0:16:38cascades over oh yeah her senior
0:16:41photographed her hair is bigger than the
0:16:43rest of her huh and you know and she
0:16:46hadn't even her name was a name that
0:16:48suggested a kind of like bubbly
0:16:51vivacious you know go get her person and
0:16:54so she was both a figure of fascination
0:16:56and you know and somebody that I was
0:16:59like Ike I stole her license plate at
0:17:01what she had a personalized license
0:17:03plate on here and I just go boys her
0:17:05name it was her name God and I and I and
0:17:09I put the license plate on the wall of
0:17:12my room in a point place of pride and
0:17:13she would she would come to me with her
0:17:16like gang of seven girls and say I want
0:17:19my license playback I know you have it
0:17:20and I would stand there in my like smug
0:17:23tortoiseshell glasses proto asshole
0:17:27if you like listen listen I don't you've
0:17:31got the wrong information she's like I
0:17:34know you are my license plate on the
0:17:35wallet room I've heard it from multiple
0:17:37anyway I eventually gave her her to
0:17:39license plate back because how you talk
0:17:41to it at the end of the year at the end
0:17:43of the year I repaid all debts today is
0:17:46a day where I repay all that oh you
0:17:48settle all the family's business slot
0:17:50Chi mm-hmm uh and so I went around I
0:17:55gave I gave a girl Moe green I gave a
0:17:59girl a two hundred dollars in one dollar
0:18:03bills like two fat stacks of one dollar
0:18:09bills because I owed her I owed her
0:18:11something and I was like and I said you
0:18:14know I can oh and I put it inside of a
0:18:16VHS cassette tape case so accurate so
0:18:21where'd you put so much work into this
0:18:23yeah well I got a little present for you
0:18:25know and everything I money back then
0:18:27well fuck it was a huge amount of money
0:18:29but I was settling all scores because I
0:18:31was leaked I was out of there I was
0:18:33leaving Alaska and I wanted everybody
0:18:35you know you get your license plate back
0:18:38here's two hundred dollars in a in a VHS
0:18:40you know like here's your bicycle back I
0:18:42was going around I was a terrible
0:18:44terrible terrible teenager to my peers
0:18:46right and so I had a lot of debts to
0:18:48repay yeah I actually went over to a
0:18:51friend's house and like a sheetrock and
0:18:55spackled a hole that I had made in the
0:18:57wall of his living room oh my goodness i
0:18:59had a lot of stuff to do i had a lot of
0:19:01debts to repay Wow every once in a while
0:19:03i'll post something on the internet some
0:19:05picture of me from high school and i'll
0:19:06get three or four comments from people
0:19:07that i knew in high school that are just
0:19:09like fuck you you would such a bit he
0:19:12made my list still suck you really now
0:19:15that I see that picture of you that old
0:19:17face of you I remember how much I
0:19:19despise you but anyway so this girl has
0:19:22become a good friend of mine she lives
0:19:24here in Seattle she's incredibly a
0:19:26cheerleader yeah no kidding yeah yeah
0:19:29she's one of those people that turn that
0:19:31that remained like really vivacious and
0:19:37she's incredibly supportive like
0:19:39everybody that she knew
0:19:41act then she's rooting for them you know
0:19:44that's not the outcome I was hoping for
0:19:45I hate to say no I feel ya you you
0:19:48thought she was gonna get some kind of
0:19:49like comeuppance but in fact she like
0:19:51she lives in bellevue she's I thought
0:19:55she'd end up doing meth in a Ford Escort
0:19:57no she's a she's a she's like she comes
0:20:01to long winters shows and it's not her
0:20:04miliar right like she's really reaching
0:20:06out yeah her husband works at Microsoft
0:20:09they live in a big house they're very
0:20:11they go to vacation in Arizona or
0:20:14whatever but she comes and she is like
0:20:16she's not only like at the show but
0:20:19she's also spreading the word of how
0:20:21good it is to all of the people that
0:20:23inner high school it's like really
0:20:25delightful what a nice person she turned
0:20:28into and I also turned into a nice
0:20:30person so what do you know hmm right
0:20:32like the niceness got on us somehow and
0:20:35can't shake it which which step is the
0:20:37amends somewhere let's see let's see
0:20:42over alcohol and and my life had become
0:20:46unmanageable then believe that the power
0:20:49grid myself could restore me steps at
0:20:51nine yeah nine all the way out there you
0:20:54got to make a list mm-hmm of all the
0:20:56people and then go around make amends to
0:20:58them a step 8 you make a list of people
0:21:00who are harm step 9 you make direct
0:21:03amends step step 10 you don't talk about
0:21:05Fight Club direct amends where possible
0:21:08except i went to do so would injure them
0:21:12or others yes speak and they needed to
0:21:14put that in there because think about it
0:21:16some people don't want to be amended
0:21:17that's right and all the asshole uh all
0:21:21the asshole alcoholics who are nine
0:21:23steps into their recovery are like you
0:21:25know what I'm gonna go to my fucking ex
0:21:27girlfriend and I'm gonna make amends to
0:21:28her whether she likes it or not I'm
0:21:30gonna mend the shit out of this that's
0:21:32right you know this is a good excuse to
0:21:34go back to that place that I was
0:21:36permanently barred from and make amends
0:21:39and they and that restraining order
0:21:41won't apply because I'm making amends
0:21:42that's right there's an asterisk on
0:21:44every restraining order that's right
0:21:46sorry it's not how it works keep Europe
0:21:49you know keep your amends pop you know
0:21:51what you were getting into
0:21:52you went with me you knew you knew what
0:21:55I was like when you went with me you
0:21:58went with me did you go with somebody in
0:22:00high school the going with yours yeah
0:22:02did you go with somebody I exclusively
0:22:04went with a one person well no I'm a
0:22:07serial monogamist I never dated but
0:22:10basically to me a date in retrospect is
0:22:13just an unsuccessful long-term
0:22:15relationship mm-hmm I never I mean all
0:22:18of all every date I ever had was a
0:22:20shitshow by going back to like seventh
0:22:22grade and being a military school and
0:22:24going to the cotillion with Elaine
0:22:26poorly hello hello Cora lane uh did you
0:22:30add time that night oh god yes but we're
0:22:34using a sword re wearing a sorcerers now
0:22:36that's just that's just the I think the
0:22:38company guy Don gets a sword I didn't
0:22:40get that no no but I had a
0:22:42double-breasted navy blue suit with
0:22:44patches and my rank which is a seaman
0:22:46navigator FEMEN am i might have been i
0:22:48might have been a petty officer 3rd
0:22:50class at that point mmm yeah i drink
0:22:53quickly i move quickly through through
0:22:55through the ranks was this like the
0:22:57movie taps as discussed previously i
0:23:02always had a lot of problems with pretty
0:23:04much every military school movie in
0:23:07terms of like some aspect that they got
0:23:09incredibly wrong because on the one hand
0:23:11the school that I went to was not a
0:23:13strictly a punishment school it was very
0:23:16costly but it was not it is not like the
0:23:18goddamn military school where you send
0:23:20the goddamn you know what's his name kid
0:23:22it was um but it also was not a prep I
0:23:26mean it was a prep school but it wasn't
0:23:28you and I mean like is portrayed in
0:23:31movies it's some combination of a place
0:23:34you send a bad kid like a Donald Trump
0:23:35to get straightened out right boys for
0:23:38rigid military includes a via my junior
0:23:40yeah and it wasn't really either those
0:23:42but it was very it was very military I
0:23:46mean in the sense that like you didn't
0:23:49get to have any kind of fucking Tom
0:23:50Cruise haircut when you were there like
0:23:51you had to get your hair cut and you had
0:23:53to like you had to shine your shoes and
0:23:56you know like the proper way you
0:23:58couldn't cheat you couldn't like you
0:23:59know put but uh what's that stuff we
0:24:02used to use shine and glow you like
0:24:03couldn't fake it yet the really shine
0:24:05your shoes you to clean your
0:24:06room every morning you know I was on
0:24:08drill team so I marched even more than I
0:24:10needed to so you couldn't sit up in the
0:24:13top floor window like Tom Cruise with an
0:24:15m60 machine gun and shoot at tanks until
0:24:17they blew up you can't go to the top
0:24:18window I don't think until you're at
0:24:20least you're an upperclassman yeah so
0:24:21were there people in your school that
0:24:23fast-tracked into Annapolis um I imagine
0:24:26so I was only there for seventh grade so
0:24:29I but no i mean like look who went there
0:24:32oh I think Ashton Kutcher what's my
0:24:35military school really i think i'm on
0:24:39the page of i think i'm on the page of
0:24:43alumni from this school I will find out
0:24:45he's going to find out admiral farragut
0:24:48academy there's one in there's one in
0:24:51New Jersey oh it's a multi thing and
0:24:55there's one in st. Petersburg okay here
0:24:56we go here's a few CEO Spike Mendelsohn
0:24:59from Top Chef yeah the the singer and
0:25:03songwriter guitarist stephen stills uh
0:25:05really you know I've met and performed
0:25:09with stephen stills according to
0:25:10wikipedia internet personality merlin
0:25:12mann attended at st. Petersburg where he
0:25:15was a member of diplomacy club Oh
0:25:16diplomacy was all true well Lorenzo
0:25:19Lamas Lorenzo Lamas Lorenzo Lamas of
0:25:21course famous alum Lorenzo Lamas uh-huh
0:25:24did you so what happened to a lame that
0:25:27night well here's the thing she just
0:25:29bored or did you spill the soup partner
0:25:31or whatever I mean it was my first like
0:25:35the closest thing to like an actual date
0:25:37that I had been on I was 13 years old
0:25:39and here's the thing so so bad so there
0:25:42was this woman who was the widow of a
0:25:45contributor major contributor to the
0:25:47school she taught dancing lessons and so
0:25:50you would go to dancing lessons in if
0:25:52memory serves it was in the building
0:25:54that was named after her husband he pay
0:25:56forty five dollars 49 dance lessons you
0:25:58get a bunch of dorky boys over here from
0:26:01Admiral Farragut and then they trucked
0:26:03in all of these girls from a different
0:26:05private school it was it was a total
0:26:07racket oh and there were dance classes
0:26:09and so you would go in dance classes and
0:26:11you learn you learn how to disco dance
0:26:13you learn how to waltz you know you had
0:26:16to like touch a girl and dance was
0:26:17horrifying yeah and this culminated
0:26:19and it is all like preparation first of
0:26:21all I'd padded this lady's purse quite
0:26:23night first quite nicely but then you
0:26:25end up going to the cotillion so the
0:26:27cotillion you wear your dress blues you
0:26:30know the girls got a fancy dress and a
0:26:31croissant her wrist and elaine was
0:26:34probably i got a picture here somewhere
0:26:35elaine was probably a good six inches
0:26:37taller than me I don't think she liked
0:26:40me and I I think she really barely
0:26:43suffered through the whole night she was
0:26:45a good sport but like I was not a good
0:26:47person to be on a date with and and how
0:26:49were you paired you ask him you know
0:26:52back in dance class usually I see I see
0:26:55and so was she did she appeal to you
0:26:58yeah I mean I thought she was really
0:27:00cute she was like she was a tall slender
0:27:02you know Chinese American Girl and there
0:27:07was there's another girl in the class
0:27:08that I was desperately attracted to but
0:27:10that was never going to happen she wore
0:27:12like you know white jeans and one of
0:27:13those little like double belts not white
0:27:15jeans and a double-double belt the loop
0:27:18around belt no I was pretty hot look in
0:27:201979 yeah was it was uh it was it was a
0:27:24little bit like yeah it's not vacation
0:27:27Elaine ended up being somewhat
0:27:29prototypical of my type in some ways
0:27:31like a slender or awkward bookish mmm no
0:27:36I mean it wasn't it wasn't terrible and
0:27:38ended okay there wasn't any like kissing
0:27:40or anything there's no graphics as you
0:27:42say none yeah did you know the first six
0:27:47girls that I made it with all had red
0:27:52hair and I didn't miss any oxygen
0:27:56history John well it I didn't notice it
0:27:59until uh until one day I was sitting
0:28:04reflecting and said wait a minute you're
0:28:08kidding I have only ever been with girls
0:28:11with red hair I was like but that's not
0:28:14even that's not even it wasn't like red
0:28:17haired girls were not who I would have
0:28:19identified that's not your wheelhouse my
0:28:22type right up unit like a small sturdy
0:28:24Jewess in combat boots if memory serves
0:28:27mm-hmm sturdy cheers uh you know like
0:28:30ready to go I like a like
0:28:32a little Jewish or little dark-haired
0:28:34girl right she can be a jolly good site
0:28:36you good sized nose like a latin girl or
0:28:39a you know Mediterranean girl Semitic
0:28:42girl yes ready to go right ready to
0:28:45climb a fence I'm intense and she's got
0:28:47the right shoes yep and you know and she
0:28:50knows her way around a pistol mm-hmm
0:28:52because she is a pistol as my dad would
0:28:55say she's little that's terrific alert
0:28:58she's a boy she's a pistol uh but that
0:29:02gal but red hair my you know my first
0:29:06girlfriend had hair like an Irish setter
0:29:08and then it was just like Reza Reza
0:29:11through the doctor yeah okay Oh in we
0:29:14don't we stop mentioning her name right
0:29:16cuz cuz people her yeah we stopped
0:29:18mentioning her name somebody sent me any
0:29:20email or text when they said it's unah
0:29:23Twitter look at the link to her bio it
0:29:25Princeton well she's fine she's even
0:29:28she'll be fine cheeky she walks around
0:29:30with a retinue of security officers
0:29:32that's a good idea she sent me a text
0:29:34and she said do you still have the pink
0:29:37leopard spot tuxedo that my mother made
0:29:41for you out of my father's wedding the
0:29:44suit that we wore to the junior prom Oh
0:29:48her mother made us matching outfits at
0:29:51our request we went to a fabric store
0:29:53she and I because this is the type of
0:29:55thing what you do in high school in
0:29:57Anchorage go to the fabric store her and
0:29:59we found pink leopard spot satin there
0:30:03and and my date and I bought a big role
0:30:07of it and took it home to her mother who
0:30:09was a seamstress and we said we want our
0:30:10prom outfits made out of this pink satin
0:30:13and so her mother made her strapless
0:30:16ball gown out of black uh you know
0:30:21taffeta and this pink leopard spot and
0:30:24then she took her her husband's wedding
0:30:26suit they'd been married in like
0:30:27nineteen sixty and so he had this he was
0:30:30he was my size a little bit maybe leaner
0:30:34than I was but he had this black thin
0:30:38thin lapel three button cuffed pants you
0:30:42know 1959 wedding suit
0:30:44because they were married in Oklahoma
0:30:46and they didn't have tuxedos there and
0:30:48she put pink taffeta pink pink satin
0:30:53leopard spot on the lapels she covered
0:30:56the buttons she put a stripe down the
0:30:59side of the pan that sounds atrocious
0:31:01she made a cummerbund and a bow tie and
0:31:05a pocket square and like maybe even
0:31:08lined the jacket with this pink pink
0:31:10leopard spot if she says that cows a
0:31:12pistol what a gamer she was a pistol
0:31:14this was nineteen eighty-five like when
0:31:17it was there was none none more black
0:31:19yeah animal prints ran amok in 1980 yes
0:31:23yeah and this was you know like somebody
0:31:25was making this fabric right so the
0:31:28presumption was it was going to get you
0:31:29somewhere yeah anyway so I get a text
0:31:32from my high school girlfriend saying my
0:31:35son is going to junior prom and he would
0:31:40like to wear your suit turn turn turn my
0:31:44own father's wedding suit which was then
0:31:46turned into your junior prom suit which
0:31:48you she's asking me if I still have it
0:31:50not only do I still have it i can still
0:31:52wear it oh come on you said i'll of
0:31:54course you stuck out of here John
0:31:55Roderick yeah and I warrant you to carry
0:31:58that through all of your moments in your
0:32:0120s I wore it to shawna nelson's wedding
0:32:04wow I where'd all you know not all the
0:32:07time but I would wear it to those events
0:32:08where I was like you've got to come
0:32:10correct to this event and I'm like oh do
0:32:14you mean come correct like this perhaps
0:32:16perchance did you see did you expect
0:32:19this no one expects the fucking pink
0:32:22leopard spot Inquisition oh so I'm
0:32:26packaging this up i still have it and
0:32:28all its accoutrements all of the pocket
0:32:32square and the and the cummerbund and so
0:32:34forth and i'm sending it off to the to
0:32:37the northeast where this young man the
0:32:4016 year old second son is going to wear
0:32:43it to his prom my god and then he's a
0:32:46he's going to send it back to me and
0:32:48then I'm I guess when my daughter is
0:32:50ready for her problem I'm gonna ask I'm
0:32:54gonna ask my my good friend to send her
0:32:56dress
0:32:57to me oh my goodness and it will just go
0:33:00and then we will die but the suit and
0:33:02dress will continue to go from coast to
0:33:05coast ad infinitum this is suddenly
0:33:08strangely touching that's amazing yeah
0:33:11we're sending it back to you I think
0:33:13it's very interesting i'm surprised she
0:33:14wouldn't keep it for her own collection
0:33:16well you know the thing is that her
0:33:20father actually is is dying right now oh
0:33:24god and i thought that he there down in
0:33:26central oregon i thought i would go down
0:33:28and visit him um Todd but then I
0:33:31remembered that he despised me okay the
0:33:34one thing that he would say to me
0:33:36whenever I would come over to the house
0:33:38which was all the time because she was
0:33:39my girlfriend I would come in and he
0:33:41would he would he had a chick you know
0:33:43he had a chair like every adult man in
0:33:45that era right like that's dad's chair
0:33:48right and he'd be sitting in his chair
0:33:50watching the McGill Larrabee's these
0:33:52kids today don't understand like and he
0:33:54dad dad had a chair and he would say as
0:33:57I would walk in the entryway I'd be
0:33:59kicking the snow off my boots and he
0:34:01would say don't let the doorknob hit you
0:34:03in the ass on the way out he'd be
0:34:05sitting in the chair when he said that
0:34:06he said Jeremy I would go and then I
0:34:08would because it was a split-level house
0:34:10because every house in Anchorage is a
0:34:11split-level house I would just take the
0:34:13down I would take the stairs down I
0:34:15would I would not take the stairs up his
0:34:18mom or her mom loved me they had a
0:34:21wiener dog and the wiener dog was
0:34:23terrified of wire hangers I don't want
0:34:27to get into that that's the whole second
0:34:29was the original owner of the wiener dog
0:34:31yeah yeah yeah the wiener dog just hated
0:34:33wire hangers and the we saw motor they
0:34:36were used for punishment at some point
0:34:37no no not at all there they were these
0:34:40were lovely people okay but but my uh my
0:34:43girlfriend's mother was a kind of boy
0:34:46she was a pistol she really was a piss I
0:34:48cows this line oh but you know she also
0:34:50sheet she so she was a seamstress she
0:34:52was a seamstress but also had been a
0:34:53reporter before she was married she was
0:34:55a journalist but she had a devilish
0:34:58streak and she loved the wiener dog but
0:35:01she would also sometimes just for
0:35:03amusement take like four wire hangers
0:35:05out of the closet just rattle them yeah
0:35:07they're dogwood oh boy run around
0:35:10hide under the couch it was hilarious
0:35:11lots of laughs torturing animals then it
0:35:14was before we realized animals had
0:35:16feelings I would do that I play a
0:35:17harmonica to make my dog car I he just
0:35:20got all dogs hate harmonicas uh-huh it
0:35:24was funny Oh mr. his head like this he
0:35:26go hmm keep his head turn like this and
0:35:30go home we have the blues mm-hmm sure
0:35:37did uh yeah you know when you're coming
0:35:40into your last what may be your last
0:35:42days yeah you shouldn't go burn too much
0:35:46that guy's time yeah just be down like
0:35:48hey how are you John I guess about you
0:35:50like especially like don't don't start
0:35:51showing up like twice a day right
0:35:53remember me yes yeah exactly I can ask
0:35:57them but no I assume that she'll send me
0:36:01the suit bag because uh because the suit
0:36:07in the hands of a 16 year old is you
0:36:11know I was a sixteen-year-old it was
0:36:12fairly like already sentimental enough
0:36:15to know like this is my prom suit I am
0:36:19going to keep this I'm going to wear it
0:36:22but I'm gonna wear it I'm not gonna like
0:36:24this is not a suit that I'm gonna bleed
0:36:26in look at y'all popping wheelies no
0:36:29I've got suits I'm gonna bleed in this
0:36:32is not and if you've made that
0:36:36distinction though you know you're gonna
0:36:38bleed you know you're gonna have suits
0:36:40and you say this across this line you
0:36:42know you do not cross yeah I have
0:36:44definitely taken suits that be that over
0:36:48the course of a night went from a nice
0:36:50suit that I was wearing a suit you know
0:36:52to being a suit that could not be
0:36:54recovered like it to the usually blood
0:36:58it could not be it was blood and it was
0:37:01you know just like Matt Matt well yes
0:37:04sure banner that turned into an organic
0:37:08matter I mean there was certainly blood
0:37:10on suits that could be dry cleaned out
0:37:12but there were also suits that could not
0:37:14be saved yeah about how upsetting to
0:37:18people oops some people right but I were
0:37:21like yeah like you look just
0:37:23I ain't brown stain on abdomen can
0:37:26disturb me yeah just or splatter even
0:37:29worse like what outright happened but um
0:37:31but you know I think generally when
0:37:34you're getting ready to go out at night
0:37:35in most cases if you're gonna get blood
0:37:38on your suit you have a premonition
0:37:39about it as you're getting dressed right
0:37:42like you're thinking here's what I'm
0:37:44going to this event oh you you think you
0:37:47may be a smell trouble yeah you're not
0:37:49gonna put on a white suit for instance
0:37:51if you think that maybe you're gonna get
0:37:53it's gonna get you know rough and tumble
0:37:55so you put on a suit that you're like
0:37:58you know what it's a suit coat if the
0:37:59suit gets blown up yeah yeah but I don't
0:38:03know her son well enough to know if he
0:38:05feels that way and so him retaining the
0:38:09suit in through the rest of his teen
0:38:12years he might wear to some college
0:38:14fraternity party and get blood on the
0:38:17suit and that's you know like uh that's
0:38:21not a thing that I'm prepared to risk
0:38:23but if he wears it his prom it remains a
0:38:26seat of fascination to him I will keep
0:38:31the suit again meticulously and then
0:38:34when he is in middle age if he's like
0:38:37hey my my former bandmate is getting
0:38:39married I need a suit for the wedding
0:38:40can I have the suit yeah then of course
0:38:42I will transfer ownership of the suit
0:38:44tan cuz he you sense to he what he would
0:38:46understand you don't don't bleed in this
0:38:48it will also be his prom suit as well as
0:38:52mine and it's his grandfather's wedding
0:38:55suit mm-hmm and it passed through this
0:38:59Creek euless crazy it passed through
0:39:01this crazy story on its way to him but I
0:39:03need to see a little bit of sign that
0:39:05this kid's got the got the maturity to
0:39:08handle that story cuz that's a fucking
0:39:10head story you know yeah not not every
0:39:13kid is ready for a leopard skin prompt
0:39:17suit well I'm not everybody's ready to
0:39:19inherit that story mm-hmm no now you're
0:39:22part of the legacy now yeah there are a
0:39:24lot of stories that you know that that
0:39:26you hand over to some young person and
0:39:28go and now you inherit the story and you
0:39:31can cut a salami with your hands oblate
0:39:33I don't think so no you don't you you're
0:39:36not gonna do that was bit
0:39:37to the wind this is the watch that your
0:39:39father your father carried in his anus
0:39:41throughout the Hanoi Hilton yeah you
0:39:44know you hand that watch over to some
0:39:45kid the kids like takes it to a pawn
0:39:48shop and get some cash to go to the best
0:39:51little whorehouse in Texas or working on
0:39:53the counter you send us a little of the
0:39:55european girl go back and get it yeah
0:39:57exactly you can't you know and then
0:39:58Johnny Fontane is going to the bathroom
0:40:01mm-hmm I mean the whole thing it could
0:40:04have gone a lot of it just to show i'm
0:40:05not a hard-hearted man she was the best
0:40:07piece of ass I ever had yeah it's not
0:40:09it's not a it's a chopper baby you know
0:40:12what I mean it's a chopper zeds dead
0:40:14baby admiral farragut academy perhaps
0:40:16most notable for graduating two of the
0:40:1812 men who walked on the moon you're
0:40:21into this alan sharp are you kidding
0:40:22alan shepard but pieces are being alan
0:40:25shepard how many of these academies work
0:40:27there the two is started in New Jersey
0:40:30and then transmogrified down into st.
0:40:32Pete I think st. Pete is the only extant
0:40:34one at this point you guys get Alan
0:40:37Shepard and you got ya Charles Duke 1972
0:40:41became the tenth person to walk on the
0:40:43moon as part of Apollo 16 yeah Chuck
0:40:46Duke of 16 Chuck Duke you got William
0:40:49colpa who defected to the Nazis in World
0:40:51War two uh let's see you got Richard
0:40:55mark Marcinko author and former
0:40:58commanding officer of US naval Navy SEAL
0:41:01Team two still came to ya we get Casper
0:41:05Robert Van Dien who was in starship
0:41:07troopers okay all right so not actually
0:41:11in the military but but well I mean you
0:41:13know it would kapiti work she could come
0:41:15in descending order Alan Shepard is the
0:41:17first famous alumni I'm the penultimate
0:41:19one you know I was the only one below me
0:41:22is philanthropist and business leader f
0:41:24Chris Nelson philanthropist and business
0:41:27leader F Chris Nelson now see he's
0:41:29almost no see no no I don't know him you
0:41:33got to oh look at this you've got
0:41:34animator Andy Andy lucky went there and
0:41:38be lucky and he lucky famous animator
0:41:40famous animator yeah the rest is I'm not
0:41:43so sure about singer and actor Eduardo
0:41:44adoni mm-hmm
0:41:47he's a singer and an actor I you know I
0:41:49repla stephen stills so if this well see
0:41:53you're in the show business yeah but if
0:41:55this uh if the I asked you if the school
0:41:57is a pipeline to Annapolis and I'm
0:41:59beginning to think hell yes it I think
0:42:02it was yeah you know yeah ship is only
0:42:06as good as its captain alan shepard
0:42:09didn't like didn't come from like a like
0:42:13Tampa community college Allen's Oxford
0:42:17no he wanted what's the one in New
0:42:20Jersey Alan Shepard hails from Derry New
0:42:23Hampshire mmm Dairy Dairy you know that
0:42:27he ban on nine th on yeah yeah yeah I
0:42:30remember no I celebrated his entire
0:42:31catalog um I I I think Derry New
0:42:38Hampshire was probably one of those
0:42:39towns that was named during a time when
0:42:41you named a town aspirationally okay
0:42:44like you know when you named a town like
0:42:47gold strike right or like you know
0:42:50silver vein Nevada okay sure and and and
0:42:55lamp sure at the time good schools
0:42:58Florida yeah good schools good school
0:43:00Florida what is that town in Florida
0:43:02that's called like Jubilee or oh yeah
0:43:04Jubilee or no yeah Jubilees the the fake
0:43:07community right yeah like freaky town
0:43:10freaky town floor yes the places it's
0:43:13like this is a Disney ish community yeah
0:43:15yeah yeah Disney but maybe Christian tea
0:43:17yeah tubidy new hampshire new hampshire
0:43:22that was uh that was like that was the
0:43:24aspirate like what are we gonna name our
0:43:26town what is it dary isn't that in
0:43:28Ireland oh well how's it spelled de rry
0:43:32o'deary I thought it was spelled dai ry
0:43:35we're gonna try and attract some retiree
0:43:37cows yeah or just like hey come to our
0:43:40town we have milk butter t'en right
0:43:43butter two milks burger and it's not you
0:43:46know this isn't a gold rush per se no
0:43:49but cheese never goes out of style
0:43:51that's true that's the new cat shirts
0:43:54looking right like a silver veins gonna
0:43:57run dry though the load is
0:43:59driving a calm cheesehead yeah the old
0:44:01man of the cheese Rock I heard fell off
0:44:03then part of the old man fall off of the
0:44:05old man of cheese Rock though he fall
0:44:08off his eyebrows fellow New Hampshire
0:44:11rock face rock face uh I'm sure he's the
0:44:17old man of the mountain known as your
0:44:19rocks bitch made the right faces fell
0:44:21off he's still on the quarter but his
0:44:23face slid off the cliff today were you
0:44:26where the old man I see I I had a lady
0:44:27friend one of my serial monogamy was
0:44:30with a woman from contoocook New
0:44:33Hampshire so she's one who taught me
0:44:35about the old man of the mountain oh
0:44:36this is really sad old man on the rock
0:44:38face and that old man is me uh go ahead
0:44:46go ahead caller yes I'll marry longtime
0:44:49listener first-time stone face yeah it's
0:44:51complicated cuz you know you want to
0:44:53name something it's like when you name a
0:44:54kid it's very very complicated stuff
0:44:57because then you know you want one does
0:44:58not really good through this and so much
0:45:00exactly like so many things in life it
0:45:02doesn't really happen until it happens
0:45:04yeah cuz what happens it really really
0:45:05happens it does they stand there and
0:45:07they say what's the name of this child I
0:45:09have to write it on this piece of paper
0:45:10exactly well this is you know it's the
0:45:12same way that that all the best you know
0:45:13experts on what to do with a child or
0:45:15people who have never had a child you
0:45:18know they know it all but when you said
0:45:20that I do not leave the hospital with my
0:45:22child until I told them the name of the
0:45:24child see that's the government that's
0:45:26the guy that is that true not really
0:45:28isn't thing too is that a hoop I'm sorry
0:45:32I apologize isn't that the Semitic law
0:45:36isn't there a thing like you can't name
0:45:37it you can't name it you're not supposed
0:45:40to name a kid before it's born cuz
0:45:42that's big fat Jewish luck right they
0:45:44don't have a name in a certain number of
0:45:46days or you gotta return it is that how
0:45:47it works you have to name a child before
0:45:49you roll a set of dice okay it's like
0:45:52it's like a nominal saving throw yeah
0:45:55right like you're not when he cited
0:45:56dreidel and if it comes up Kentucky you
0:46:00get all the gab don't look out a window
0:46:02after sunset okay before you name the
0:46:06child unless you light a candle and
0:46:09drink a cup of milk
0:46:12I think that's right in the Torah yep
0:46:14yep yep yep it's why they don't eat
0:46:15shrimp hmm presented pussies Morrissey's
0:46:18haha um so what ya what name is hard we
0:46:23went around and around and I tried to be
0:46:25scientific about it and so I came up
0:46:28with my first pick for name was the name
0:46:32that I had somewhat arbitrarily decided
0:46:35was the best name because it's a pretty
0:46:37neutral name but best of all it is a
0:46:40name from which many many names could be
0:46:43derived if you have a preference over
0:46:45the Prime name ilysm Elizabeth don't
0:46:49tell you this no but Elizabeth is the
0:46:51ultimate girls name because he can call
0:46:53her hey good for me yeah that was my
0:46:55first pick out a second he's got Beth
0:46:59you could be uh you you could hopefully
0:47:02be practically anything yeah Beth you
0:47:04can be Liz you can be you know my cousin
0:47:07her name is Elizabeth we call her Libby
0:47:09oh maybe you could be a Betty but here's
0:47:13the thing and this is the way it works
0:47:14when you have a partner it got nixed for
0:47:17one reason and it's a good reason have
0:47:19you ever met anybody good named Liz be
0:47:24honest be honest one of the redheads
0:47:27that chisel is that figured in one of
0:47:31these earlier stories that I was telling
0:47:33today uh her name was Lynn okay then
0:47:36I'll just stipulate that maybe not all
0:47:38not all Liz's but I'm just gonna say
0:47:40almost every liz is bad also jonathan
0:47:43coulton sister-in-law who sort of
0:47:46doubles as a sister wife her name is
0:47:49also list okay so not all Liz's but I'm
0:47:52sure says hey listen not all this but my
0:47:54lady friend who you know got at least an
0:47:57equal vote Ecklie had that you know she
0:47:59gets naming rights yeah you're not gonna
0:48:01name a child over the wishes of the
0:48:03mother no no no uh she had been pseudo
0:48:07bullied by Al is in her youth because
0:48:10most Liz's let's be honest most Lissa's
0:48:12are bullies yeah they're a little if you
0:48:14if you're gonna avoid somebody at school
0:48:16and it's a girl because she's gonna beat
0:48:18you up by your locker mmm you know
0:48:20saying live yeah i'ma give you I'm gonna
0:48:22give you three two one so it's a Liz
0:48:25no barrier they're tough moyers I have a
0:48:30soft spot for Morris though so but the
0:48:32thing is the name that you chose for
0:48:33your child is extraordinary it's just
0:48:35it's it's a little bit on trend in a way
0:48:38I didn't precisely realize because of
0:48:39course I went to websites and looked all
0:48:41these things up and she has what i would
0:48:43call an old lady named yeah richer kind
0:48:46of one of the nice ones not like mod or
0:48:48yeah Murgatroyd hers yeah burghdroid
0:48:51emergence book thanks to Murgatroyd even
0:48:57but then when I tell her why I like that
0:48:59name like I kind of fall short oh my god
0:49:00is this this is really good Beal song
0:49:02about a horribly lonely woman and others
0:49:06you know there's the lady in help you
0:49:08know Eleanor Braun and you know zona
0:49:10Roosevelt who kind of look like a statue
0:49:12of a horse but she was a great lady she
0:49:14was great lady there are some there are
0:49:17also some Eleanor's in our larger circle
0:49:21right a couple of our friends named
0:49:22their shot yes yes I share I did not
0:49:26know I did not know speaking of our
0:49:28mutual friend I did not know that he had
0:49:30an Eleanor yeah well and also other
0:49:32Theophilus right yeah that's right but
0:49:34there was another friend uh who is a you
0:49:38know who is a former former religious
0:49:41rock musician what now now secular rock
0:49:45musician who also has a daughter oh come
0:49:47on yeah so i often get in situations
0:49:50really yeah and she's the same age she's
0:49:55do exactly the same age as your to
0:49:56Jonathan that's a pretty name yeah it's
0:49:59a beautiful name but I'm often in
0:50:01situations where i am socializing with
0:50:03one of my friends and the daughter
0:50:05arrives and the thing is all three of
0:50:07these young ladies yours and the one and
0:50:11then the other they're all like among my
0:50:14favorite people in the world right
0:50:15they're all between a you know between
0:50:17eight and ten or we stop and they're
0:50:20just there you know three of my favorite
0:50:22people and so I'm on confronted with a
0:50:25situation where a young lady will walk
0:50:27into the room and I will say to myself
0:50:29Eleanor but can this truly be is you
0:50:36know I second-guess whether or not
0:50:38it's one of the Eleanor's uh sure you're
0:50:42reaching that age yeah well and also
0:50:44because there are a couple of
0:50:46Madeleine's including one Madeline who
0:50:50was named for another prominent Madeline
0:50:53that's it but he also the other problem
0:50:56with being a Madeleine as I have learned
0:50:58is this is something that my uh my
0:51:00friend Marco Arment what does he call it
0:51:02he calls it the snap to grid problem
0:51:04where if you have a name that sounds
0:51:06like a much better known name or if you
0:51:09have a name that sounds like a name
0:51:11that's very familiar to someone else
0:51:12there's a lot of people who have names
0:51:14like me like like I'm always a Marvin or
0:51:16am L or something a track Markham I have
0:51:19an unusual name Madame not my Madeleine
0:51:21for much of her life would get called
0:51:23Natalie really yeah because yeah but
0:51:27that's the snap to grid problem you
0:51:29don't have this because you have you
0:51:30have a canonical name I do I think your
0:51:32names in the Torah I got the shrimp it
0:51:35absolutely is it absolutely is in the
0:51:37Torah it goes all the way back my there
0:51:39was God and then there was uh there was
0:51:42Adam and Eve there was a sooz law
0:51:43Methuselah their Shadrach Meshach
0:51:46Abednego but John was like right up
0:51:49there right after between supremely
0:51:51John's back then is probably really
0:51:53confusing and they say what is the John
0:51:55of which you speak he says John of the
0:51:57the guy used to live near the burning
0:51:59bush like John be John be the guy with
0:52:01the sloop oh good point but I've always
0:52:05been building anything he took any ate
0:52:07up all of my corn that's right that's
0:52:09right know what it means worst trip I've
0:52:11ever been on that really didn't you then
0:52:13he took any ate up all on my corn yeah
0:52:16well what does it mean John when you go
0:52:18out on a sloop you get you get issued a
0:52:20certain amount of course okay so you got
0:52:22a fox yeah Chisholm and this is on me of
0:52:25corn and you gotta cross now how do you
0:52:27how do you do it it's one of the things
0:52:28about being on a sloop and a lot of
0:52:30people haven't been on asleep so they
0:52:31don't know about the corn yeah get on
0:52:33the corn and then you're out for you
0:52:35know you're out for a trip which is what
0:52:37you describe how you describe going on a
0:52:39sloop let's call the trip so so it
0:52:43depends you could be you could have one
0:52:44trip you can have two trips you could be
0:52:46on a three trips yes three trips loop
0:52:48okay and the thing is you only get a
0:52:51certain amount of corn so if someone
0:52:52else eats up all your corn yeah I mean
0:52:55well I think everybody gets if you're
0:52:57gonna start out it's a sort of like yeah
0:52:59when you're learning sailing at em with
0:53:00Farragut you know you start out on a
0:53:02little puffer you work your way up you
0:53:03starting to sleep John a sloop John B is
0:53:05your last chance you go from a pupper to
0:53:07a sloop John a so the poor cook he
0:53:10caught the fits he offended away all my
0:53:12grits see that's what I thought any ate
0:53:15up all of my corn right well how do you
0:53:17make grits your perm unified die totally
0:53:21from herself John bina nobody's gonna
0:53:25freak nobody's gonna say oh it's sloop
0:53:27Bobby B or sloop uh I'm trying to see I
0:53:31can't even do a snap to grid on your
0:53:32name because it's the canonical name
0:53:33well so John B let's say the Sun follow
0:53:36me Jonathan John Barleycorn john
0:53:39barleycorn musta shitty live or die I
0:53:41never remember John John Barleycorn as
0:53:44he was born old well is that exactly
0:53:47that's a Scott McCoy has a song about
0:53:50that alright garlic we must live isn't
0:53:53he referencing a song by the fall I
0:53:55think oh I I think there's something
0:53:57that goes John Barleycorn Maas died I
0:53:59think Scott McCoy he takes it he turns
0:54:01it he makes it into john barleycorn must
0:54:03live yeah John Barleycorn is a way of
0:54:05describing a sour babies okay it's a
0:54:09kind of cockney rhyming slang it's like
0:54:10ooh and you want to see my wife you say
0:54:12John Barleycorn yeah that's right John
0:54:14Barleycorn here they come they're my
0:54:16fiddles and bits ixnay ixnay on the on
0:54:20the X talk on the X sock here comes John
0:54:24Barleycorn the thing is I feel in my
0:54:26life that I'm caught between Eleanor's
0:54:28and Madeline's pelipper speckle with the
0:54:30whole truck yeah well you know it's
0:54:33funny I mistake one for the other in my
0:54:35own house which i think is you know
0:54:36somewhat normal dropping a lot of metal
0:54:38bits these days I got to be honest with
0:54:39you Michael Latta mental bits yeah and
0:54:42but uh but also frequently I'm trying to
0:54:47think which one happens more often is
0:54:49people will refer to my daughter as bad
0:54:52by my wife's name yeah
0:54:54that happens well because yeah right in
0:54:58a way Eleanor seems like an older name
0:55:00in Madeline but you know here's the
0:55:02funny thing now and this is you know
0:55:03this is this is the way the stuff goes
0:55:04you think you're ahead of the game you
0:55:06go and they say oh like show me the
0:55:08rankings in the Social Security charts
0:55:10and show me like you know right but
0:55:12everybody's looking at the same way
0:55:14exactly right Oh suddenly everybody's
0:55:16name Latricia Shawn Trell you know us or
0:55:19our jean-luc morale or any other kind of
0:55:21mushroom based name that that's a very
0:55:23common thing so I think not now here's
0:55:26the funny thing my daughter's class 23
0:55:29kids three different Aiden's well now
0:55:33let me ask you this of the 23 kids does
0:55:35a single one of them have what we would
0:55:37have described in the 70s and 80s as a
0:55:40normal name oh good question are there
0:55:44any Paul's Peters given our neighborhood
0:55:47mm-hmm he said archly there are I would
0:55:51say it's more common for a boy to have a
0:55:54normal name most of the girls have some
0:55:56kind of a wackadoo name yeah I think its
0:55:59more common you still you still you
0:56:01still get it but like some of them have
0:56:02like I don't say to him I she's not talk
0:56:03about other people's kids but give us a
0:56:05sturdy Irish name for this kid yeah like
0:56:09Sheamus you actually she goes to school
0:56:11to Sheamus yeah and she has a shame if
0:56:13she has a Kian she has just lots of like
0:56:15Irish kids with big faces they're the
0:56:17best yeah because they're their father
0:56:19works at the fire station that's right
0:56:21then taking all the factories down the
0:56:24graduations hang on the wall that's
0:56:25right that's right a bit if it weren't
0:56:27for the nibs being so good at building
0:56:29ships we'd still have the funny Hedwig
0:56:32Xiwen bubbles has a hoppin your horn
0:56:35must live yes there are some I mean I
0:56:42don't want you know this is an old bit
0:56:44of mine and I've got to stop doing it
0:56:45because it's like a tattoo like once
0:56:47you've named your kid even if it's a
0:56:49stupid fucking dumb name like that's the
0:56:51kid to kid and that's their name and
0:56:53gather broke it you want to make fun of
0:56:55the parents for like making a name that
0:56:57you have to spell this is my main thing
0:56:59and I we were a little bit you know ours
0:57:02requires a little bit of spilling if you
0:57:03aren't familiar with the name but it's
0:57:04not that hard but a name that you like a
0:57:06good Jennifer like or something like I
0:57:08namely
0:57:08like have to spell like robbie rist
0:57:10right like I look like a robber tryst
0:57:13with 2 w's right right right are my
0:57:17daughter's name has a name that has
0:57:19three spellings yes and so we've got a
0:57:23snap to grid problem because it's very
0:57:25close to like for example Dan's
0:57:27daughter's real name right dan has
0:57:30renamed his daughter after a spider-man
0:57:32character but she does have another name
0:57:34that's very similar to yours yes and
0:57:36also it's very confusing to people who
0:57:38are used to gendered names with a with a
0:57:43vowel with the evidence and fire yeah
0:57:44yeah so so there's sometimes a kind of
0:57:48like do you mean blank instead of blank
0:57:52and then you have to say like no it's
0:57:54sorry it's a different kind of thing
0:57:56it's coming from a different zone
0:57:58shouldn't into george sand well you know
0:58:01I was just sitting here thinking what
0:58:03first of all yes it's an awesome name
0:58:05for a little girl just neighbor George
0:58:06Sand well I could have named her
0:58:08mcgeorge which is I think one of the
0:58:10great name george bundy mcgeorge right
0:58:12George mcgeorge sounds a little bit like
0:58:14a little got a little curious george
0:58:15vibe to it what about latouche latouche
0:58:18that's that's different from Lagrange
0:58:21now if you had twins latouche in
0:58:22LaGrange would be adorable and now i
0:58:28wanna be a mistaken what I am wondering
0:58:32is what's the who when was the last time
0:58:35you met a Meredith I have I know
0:58:40Meredith she works at Genentech she is
0:58:44the no x specialist of a guy that you
0:58:48know is Genentech a genetics technical
0:58:52company bing aha they're big they're big
0:58:56thank you can't get one past me
0:58:58Genentech Genentech King what if you
0:59:01tamed it what if you named a little girl
0:59:03Genentech call heavy adorable right
0:59:05except spelt at j e a me2 do here's I
0:59:11usually ask it so look like immensely
0:59:14imagine the names Janine and teach you
0:59:17Janine and teach but you're hyphenated
0:59:19and
0:59:20you do man the people car genentech yeah
0:59:22it's pronounced you doing it it's from
0:59:23the french haha contact my daughter
0:59:28Genentech Genentech yeah but then like
0:59:32so you have like Bernstein Bernstein
0:59:34yeah sure wells which is the first bear
0:59:38the Torah John why is it such a big deal
0:59:40to beastie nurse Stein why I honest
0:59:43question as they say on twitter honest
0:59:45honest question what was it was that a
0:59:47big deal I get it I take that I feel
0:59:50like that's more than just here's how my
0:59:52name is pronounced is there soon like
0:59:55peculiarly jewy about making sure it's
0:59:57pronounced a certain way like you don't
0:59:59want it to sound over
0:59:59want it to sound over
1:00:00medic or under Semitic well this is a
1:00:02very very very good question that has
1:00:04never really been posed to me even
1:00:06though it is so you've seen it though
1:00:08right well it's it's it's absolutely
1:00:11like why do they not put a dot on the
1:00:13top of USB cables that says this is the
1:00:16top sort of like the diaeresis when New
1:00:18Yorker says coordinating coordinator
1:00:21coordinating cumin it lubed herb I feel
1:00:26like that the knowing what I know which
1:00:28is not very much I'm gonna say that the
1:00:30Steen Stein pronunciation thing is
1:00:34either an austro-hungarian versus like
1:00:38Prussian thing mon I did not have that
1:00:42in my bracket good right or it is a UH
1:00:46it is a coming from the east like Russia
1:00:50Belarus arrays you ain't Ukraine's I'll
1:00:55Ukraine thing right where it comes in
1:00:58and then the assimilated germanized Jews
1:01:02had a one-way MMA or it may be I don't
1:01:07think it's an Ellis Island thing I think
1:01:10it I think it's before that but this is
1:01:12a great question and I bet you one of
1:01:14our listeners is going to say one way or
1:01:17the other something definitive well hear
1:01:19a voice coming up from the well actually
1:01:20yeah someone is gonna something's gonna
1:01:23say here's the simple explanation for
1:01:25this but I've never heard it explained
1:01:28and it always is a question right die
1:01:31norstein comes from the German meaning
1:01:34stone or rock right get Stein you also
1:01:37got what height is head right right like
1:01:41einheit that I died right einheit me do
1:01:44one head you've got the die toten hosen
1:01:47die toten huh so which means the the
1:01:50pantyhose of death okay he's a cat but
1:01:52yeah kappa right was real you've got
1:01:55what are some other ones there some
1:01:56other oh you know what you got your wife
1:01:57he got vice and got what's the other one
1:02:00I was the opposite of Vice you've got uh
1:02:04shoot shoes shoes
1:02:06shoosh shoes you got should shuts shit
1:02:12novotel vices white oh I know this I
1:02:15know this oh it's killing me what is
1:02:17black in German oh it's a short Schwartz
1:02:21Schwartz and Weiss shorts and white
1:02:23short shorts and white stick yeah hey
1:02:26jay ellis island yeah wold love all
1:02:30walls is forest oh really bald um so the
1:02:36black forest is the Schwarzwald man
1:02:39Germans a crazy language but it is cool
1:02:41that you can mostly figure out what it
1:02:43means what is ver moch mean I mean I
1:02:45know I know what would it represent that
1:02:47means that the regular German army as
1:02:48they say right yeah was the word mean
1:02:51but I'm just looking up I guess yeah I
1:02:53guess mocked means uh Michelle Michelle
1:02:57ya mean so they make 10 copies make war
1:03:00i bet it means make war o ver moch very
1:03:02locked i'll bet to make it may make
1:03:06their make their mock shall not shall
1:03:08make war i like that if there's not a if
1:03:11there's not a German word for make war
1:03:13i'm going to eat the hat that I'm
1:03:15looking at right now this is thats a
1:03:16hoot the hat says chick magnet on it I'm
1:03:19gonna eat it if there's not a German
1:03:21which can make more their mock I'm sure
1:03:27you've been hearing about it have you
1:03:28had a chance to look at the Luftwaffe
1:03:31Luftwaffe air lift his air yeah like a
1:03:35like a loof balloon it's the woof gang
1:03:37of the air okay waffa waffa means i
1:03:40don't well i don't know what waffen
1:03:42loose lufthansa is x that means the last
1:03:45heist as long as you don't get caught
1:03:46mmm oh right Samuel Jackson's want to
1:03:50screw that one a black people don't know
1:03:51he's the one that screwed that up you
1:03:52know it's called a Royale with cheese
1:03:54mm-hmm oh yeah right yeah make
1:03:59Americanos really didn't move fast he
1:04:02didn't have to move faster uh did she
1:04:04have you had a chance are you aware of
1:04:06the recently released out of translation
1:04:09the new book blitzed you certainly have
1:04:12heard about this book yes yeah but I'm
1:04:14but I'm not aware of the i'm not aware
1:04:18the exactly so why don't you
1:04:20me the love this it's so it's so
1:04:22desperately on the nose for our program
1:04:24that we should probably just cut this
1:04:26out I would just leave it at this if you
1:04:28have the long opportunity you should
1:04:30check out a book called blitzed it's
1:04:32about the use and abuse systematically
1:04:34of drugs in the Third Reich and then
1:04:37with special regard to the drugs that
1:04:38Hitler specifically got from his crazy
1:04:40personal physician oh yeah and in this
1:04:43in the short term if you just want a
1:04:44shorty i'll send you link to a good
1:04:46fresh air interview with the author but
1:04:48basically they're giving their giving
1:04:50the army uh math twice a day and they
1:04:55could they fight for like a week without
1:04:56sleeping give your army meth twice day
1:05:01this is an adage this is a German adage
1:05:02on how to say it in German it's a
1:05:04Benjamin Franklin said it here you get
1:05:05ready met twice today if you don't know
1:05:07what it's for they will bring a present
1:05:09pretty small you speaking of which you
1:05:12know the French forget you know they
1:05:13were issued a wine red wine yeah wine
1:05:16and mushrooms and that just goes to show
1:05:20that this is a set that guide the beard
1:05:22from Miami but you have tired mushrooms
1:05:27you're not going to you're not going to
1:05:29blitzkrieg on wine and mushrooms of you
1:05:31know what I'm saying you're not even you
1:05:32you're not even gonna be a little
1:05:35defense a wall zut alors no ya know you
1:05:44took he took any ate up all my corn the
1:05:46thing is the Germans actually have a
1:05:48holiday we've talked about before called
1:05:49shits infest which is just shooting vest
1:05:52it's just respectful where they shoot
1:05:53shoot it's a holiday you get it out you
1:05:57gettin off school yeah it's a tattoo
1:05:59based holiday is there a business is
1:06:02there really are a lot of 2 based
1:06:03holidays there and a lot of beer ho ho
1:06:06well you know you gotta you gotta dance
1:06:08with the one that brung you one of the
1:06:10interesting things about Germany is of
1:06:11course it was the it was the you know
1:06:14the cradle of the Reformation and so
1:06:18really Merlin there are two germanys
1:06:20there's Catholic Germany and there's
1:06:22Protestant Germany still and you really
1:06:25isn't yeah and as you because of course
1:06:28there wasn't to Germany right there
1:06:31wasn't really there was a
1:06:32twentieth-century thing or late
1:06:3419th century thing right now pretty much
1:06:36let's call it a 20th century thing
1:06:37because there was a pressure right up
1:06:39until you know right up until nineteen
1:06:41twenty when I was playing diplomacy at
1:06:42admiral farragut academy there was all
1:06:44broken up into different parts World War
1:06:46one yeah sure pressure pressure pressure
1:06:48pressure austro-hungary so Germany is
1:06:52really a modern conflation but the thing
1:06:54is all these little provinces and do
1:06:56cheese and Margrave eighths and you know
1:07:00like bishoprics they all as the
1:07:05Reformation went percolating through the
1:07:07German little little pockets and little
1:07:11castles basically everywhere there was a
1:07:13castle there was somebody up on the top
1:07:14of the castle and that person controlled
1:07:16a certain amount of land around them and
1:07:19some had big land and some had small
1:07:21land but here comes the Reformation
1:07:23perking through like coffee through
1:07:25grounds and this castle guy says I
1:07:29believe yes I'm gonna I'm gonna go with
1:07:33these 90 plus species and I'm going to
1:07:37I'm gonna say like leaving the church
1:07:39behind I'm gonna have a direct
1:07:41connection with the with my Lord and
1:07:43Savior and then the castle next door
1:07:45says he'll know we won't go say nine
1:07:48yeah they say Nick and they stay with
1:07:51the with the ll popo mm-hmm in el Romo
1:07:56and for a while there of course in a be
1:07:58honest yeah having young back up back up
1:08:00Pope yeah all made an saloni danza sur
1:08:03sur sur la so loose sand salalah mayor
1:08:06right Percy small
1:08:12hi okay