Roderick on the Line

Ep. 250: "Disaster Coffee"


00:00:01   [Music] [TS]

00:00:04   hello hi John [TS]

00:00:07   hi Merlin how's it going good spooky [TS]

00:00:14   spooky yeah Spooky's going on over here [TS]

00:00:18   oh okay is there something you can share [TS]

00:00:20   with our listeners yeah I think so it's [TS]

00:00:23   it's a it's a mystery it's a you know [TS]

00:00:27   it's like a Nancy Drew mystery hmm you [TS]

00:00:31   know we've talked about this before yeah [TS]

00:00:33   you're not you're no stranger to swag [TS]

00:00:36   bags oh yeah where there's some swag bag [TS]

00:00:41   to me it's something you get is this [TS]

00:00:44   sometimes called a gift bag it's it's a [TS]

00:00:46   bag or box of things you give usually [TS]

00:00:48   for participating in something maybe [TS]

00:00:51   it's from a show with like a trade show [TS]

00:00:53   or a performance and the second [TS]

00:00:55   characteristic is it's usually got some [TS]

00:00:58   kind of promotional materials like Hays [TS]

00:01:00   try this coffee and third it's usually [TS]

00:01:03   clearly identified why someone gave it [TS]

00:01:05   to you mm-hmm [TS]

00:01:06   they know you think are those [TS]

00:01:07   performance characteristics of a swag [TS]

00:01:09   bag you don't get none promotional stuff [TS]

00:01:14   for not doing something and not know [TS]

00:01:17   where it's from you nailed it right to [TS]

00:01:22   the carpet well urines here in the [TS]

00:01:25   northwest of course it's all all the [TS]

00:01:27   stuff in this rag bag is also locally [TS]

00:01:29   sourced of course right Fonfon - wag bag [TS]

00:01:33   farm swag bagging so I do a lot of this [TS]

00:01:37   kind of event where you are partially [TS]

00:01:40   from where you where where you are [TS]

00:01:43   promoted to even within the event with a [TS]

00:01:46   bag of things and usually there's some [TS]

00:01:49   chocolate-covered coffee beans there's a [TS]

00:01:51   gift certificate to coupon for a nap I [TS]

00:01:56   have sometimes a coupon for an app or a [TS]

00:01:58   comic book that someone on someone [TS]

00:02:01   that's also on the show has recently [TS]

00:02:03   done a lot of fliers but also typically [TS]

00:02:07   the nicer ones up here will give you a [TS]

00:02:09   bottle of local wine and a [TS]

00:02:13   you know in a big bag of local coffee [TS]

00:02:16   and of course I'm not interested in the [TS]

00:02:19   wine but I am interested in the coffee [TS]

00:02:22   and so I always if it's a show with [TS]

00:02:25   multiple people on the on the bill I'll [TS]

00:02:29   kind of do a little wheeling and dealing [TS]

00:02:30   yeah you said this is how you get this [TS]

00:02:32   is one of your primary if not za one of [TS]

00:02:34   your primary sources of coffee is you'll [TS]

00:02:36   trade wine for beans [TS]

00:02:38   that's right wheelin and dealin is I'm [TS]

00:02:39   happy to get the wine you're happy get [TS]

00:02:41   the the coffee hakuna matata the wine [TS]

00:02:43   happy get the beans every once while I [TS]

00:02:44   do a show with somebody like Bobcat [TS]

00:02:46   Goldthwait's that's getting on a plane [TS]

00:02:48   the next day he doesn't want either [TS]

00:02:49   thing he's like yeah you can have my [TS]

00:02:51   coffee so you walk out of there arm full [TS]

00:02:54   of coffee any pretty quick are you [TS]

00:02:55   telling me you've met Bobcat Goldthwait [TS]

00:02:57   and he gave you Gus cup his coffee [TS]

00:02:58   oh I've definitely met Bobcat Goldthwait [TS]

00:03:02   several times all right I'm gonna put a [TS]

00:03:03   pin in that I'm not a hundred percent [TS]

00:03:05   sure if I ever got a bag of coffee from [TS]

00:03:08   him but it's maybe a nap-nap coupon [TS]

00:03:10   it feels likely that I have almost no I [TS]

00:03:13   mean you know Jeff Goldblum whoa like [TS]

00:03:17   the law big numbers like yeah at some [TS]

00:03:19   point Bobcat Goldthwait will give you [TS]

00:03:21   coffee time line yeah yeah I mean given [TS]

00:03:24   the world given the world in which we [TS]

00:03:25   live anyway so as as we've discussed [TS]

00:03:28   before on this program I have a [TS]

00:03:30   stockpile of coffee probably you know [TS]

00:03:34   somewhere somewhere out there there's an [TS]

00:03:36   axis there's the axis of how long is [TS]

00:03:39   this coffee gonna gonna be store [TS]

00:03:40   storable before it becomes putrified or [TS]

00:03:44   whatever happens to it [TS]

00:03:46   my sense is forever but I had coffee [TS]

00:03:49   everywhere I had coffee like the like [TS]

00:03:51   monkeys in the trees and Thailand [TS]

00:03:54   everywhere you looked there was a bag of [TS]

00:03:55   coffee in the refrigerator in the pantry [TS]

00:04:00   in the freezer you know because people [TS]

00:04:02   yell it some people say put it in the [TS]

00:04:04   freezer to last forever [TS]

00:04:05   other people lot of people say not to do [TS]

00:04:07   that don't do that dries it out or makes [TS]

00:04:09   it bad yeah suppose the biome I had so [TS]

00:04:12   many bags of coffee that I could try [TS]

00:04:14   everyone I could put it in the freezer [TS]

00:04:16   for the freezer people I could put it in [TS]

00:04:17   the crisper for the crisper people was [TS]

00:04:19   in the pantry for the pantry people was [TS]

00:04:22   right on the counter for me [TS]

00:04:25   well I went downstairs today to prepare [TS]

00:04:29   a pot of coffee for our program there's [TS]

00:04:32   no coffee in this house I looked [TS]

00:04:37   everywhere this is this is not the first [TS]

00:04:40   time this has happened you've shared [TS]

00:04:43   this before this is this always a news [TS]

00:04:45   story you know every day somebody's born [TS]

00:04:47   who hasn't heard about your coffee but [TS]

00:04:48   you've talked before about the spooky [TS]

00:04:50   action at a distance of of having as a [TS]

00:04:53   background situation that there's coffee [TS]

00:04:57   around and every time you look there's [TS]

00:04:59   always coffee there and suddenly you got [TS]

00:05:01   your swagg coffee and then suddenly one [TS]

00:05:02   day you go you need new coffee you look [TS]

00:05:04   in the crisper you look in the freezer [TS]

00:05:05   you look in the pantry boom [TS]

00:05:07   no coffee where the coffee go yeah but [TS]

00:05:10   but there but there was this isn't a [TS]

00:05:12   thing where I was like oh I used all the [TS]

00:05:14   coffee and I didn't remember this was [TS]

00:05:17   like there were apples on the apple tree [TS]

00:05:19   and then the next day there were no [TS]

00:05:21   apples mmm and so I'm wandering around [TS]

00:05:27   and I'm like what as my daughter would [TS]

00:05:30   say she's she's picked that up for me [TS]

00:05:32   now and she will say 40 times a day [TS]

00:05:35   sometimes often times to herself what [TS]

00:05:40   it's very cute when a six-year-old cute [TS]

00:05:42   what she doesn't know that the next word [TS]

00:05:46   is fuck or hell right it's a lot of [TS]

00:05:49   restraint she just thinks that the [TS]

00:05:52   phrase is what the yesterday yesterday I [TS]

00:05:55   before I can catch myself I I am really [TS]

00:05:57   call somebody a dipshit oh fuck kind of [TS]

00:06:00   bad she said I don't think that's a [TS]

00:06:01   thing I said believe me it's a thing oh [TS]

00:06:04   it's a idea of what my family is to tell [TS]

00:06:08   inside words continues to go dipshit and [TS]

00:06:17   a dingaling definitely will cross the [TS]

00:06:19   street holding hands a jacket mm-hmm a [TS]

00:06:21   jackass way too harsh Oh God look at [TS]

00:06:23   that any links what a dish it yeah a [TS]

00:06:25   jackass is something else yeah that's a [TS]

00:06:29   shading closer to an asshole I think I [TS]

00:06:30   mean asshole continuum you're closer [TS]

00:06:32   with a jackass yeah if you're a jackass [TS]

00:06:35   I the feeling that jackass is what you [TS]

00:06:38   call an asshole [TS]

00:06:39   if you are standing in front of a diner [TS]

00:06:42   we'll see I think also I think a dipshit [TS]

00:06:44   is not being the way they are by design [TS]

00:06:47   I think I think I think a dipshit is an [TS]

00:06:51   accidental idiot and I think a jackass [TS]

00:06:53   is a deliberate asshole precisely right [TS]

00:06:57   like a ding-a-ling has good intentions [TS]

00:06:58   the only thinks they're doing fine [TS]

00:07:01   mm-hmm that's the that's the primary [TS]

00:07:03   characteristic of a ding-a-ling they [TS]

00:07:05   think they're doing all right this is [TS]

00:07:07   why I'm late I'm late because I'm a [TS]

00:07:10   dingaling Oh [TS]

00:07:11   I mean I want to hear I want to hear [TS]

00:07:12   what the story but just for what it's [TS]

00:07:14   worth I was trying to be helpful this [TS]

00:07:16   morning as I left the house I saw a [TS]

00:07:18   quantity of things there's there's [TS]

00:07:19   there's a class of things that we have [TS]

00:07:21   taken away for to have things done to [TS]

00:07:24   them and then brought back and and I [TS]

00:07:25   thought on the front porch were the [TS]

00:07:27   things being brought back and so I [TS]

00:07:29   congratulated myself to my wife I said [TS]

00:07:31   oh looks like we got a bunch of this [TS]

00:07:34   stuff the the was taken care of for in [TS]

00:07:37   this case its laundry the laundry has [TS]

00:07:39   returned and there's three bags and they [TS]

00:07:40   didn't screw up the order and she's like [TS]

00:07:41   uh it's dirty laundry I put up this [TS]

00:07:43   morning oh good and you know what I [TS]

00:07:45   thought to myself I thought to myself [TS]

00:07:46   you are such a dingaling yeah that's a [TS]

00:07:49   little thing I'm gonna have to go home [TS]

00:07:50   and take it back outside [TS]

00:07:51   that's almost Duds yeah that's a that's [TS]

00:07:52   a you're a dipshit right you know what I [TS]

00:07:55   think I've taken that hard right turn [TS]

00:07:58   into dipshit country yeah yeah [TS]

00:08:02   so ding-a-ling right but then there's [TS]

00:08:04   Ding Dongs oh I think I can kind of a [TS]

00:08:07   little bit affectionate it is ding-dongs [TS]

00:08:10   were like uh you know your pals right [TS]

00:08:12   yeah your ding-dongs but they're but [TS]

00:08:16   they really don't have it they just [TS]

00:08:18   can't figure it out right the ding dong [TS]

00:08:20   ding dong lose your keys over and over [TS]

00:08:23   like my brother is a little bit of a [TS]

00:08:25   ding dong every time he comes over to my [TS]

00:08:27   house he calls me like 45 minutes later [TS]

00:08:29   and says did I leave my wallet they're [TS]

00:08:30   hunting dog why did you take the wallet [TS]

00:08:32   out at my house definitely not a jackass [TS]

00:08:35   what everything dog my wife is a ding [TS]

00:08:39   dong he's also a jackass [TS]

00:08:40   oh so you see yourself you say what the [TS]

00:08:42   oh what the and I'm walking around and [TS]

00:08:45   I'm thinking you know I I don't know we [TS]

00:08:47   didn't talk very explicitly about it but [TS]

00:08:50   you know my relationship with my [TS]

00:08:52   millennium girlfriend [TS]

00:08:53   is a thing of a thing of the past now [TS]

00:09:00   [Music] [TS]

00:09:01   okay [TS]

00:09:03   take a moment okay okay this is the [TS]

00:09:08   first I'm hearing of it yeah okay so for [TS]

00:09:12   you oh boy okay okay well here's what [TS]

00:09:18   here's the timeline she moved in gonna [TS]

00:09:23   go too deep into it too deep but I'm but [TS]

00:09:26   but that was about a well that was a few [TS]

00:09:28   weeks ago [TS]

00:09:29   oh my and I was a it was a bumpy road [TS]

00:09:32   hard hard road but as I'm walking around [TS]

00:09:37   my house I'm like did she as she was [TS]

00:09:40   leaving steal all my coffee Oh No [TS]

00:09:44   knowing that thought don't think that [TS]

00:09:47   thought knowing that I wouldn't know it [TS]

00:09:49   because I had you know I had the coffee [TS]

00:09:51   that was in present use which was left [TS]

00:09:54   one did she steal the reserves [TS]

00:09:55   millenniums don't see race and they [TS]

00:09:57   don't understand revenge so that so that [TS]

00:10:00   I wouldn't even notice until it was till [TS]

00:10:02   like three weeks later you think you're [TS]

00:10:03   the millennium ex-girlfriend was [TS]

00:10:04   gaslighting you a little bit I don't [TS]

00:10:06   know it's like gas lighting is you don't [TS]

00:10:09   know how would you even know Here I am [TS]

00:10:11   I'm wandering around in my nightshirt in [TS]

00:10:13   your house in my house would use where [TS]

00:10:15   you sleep where your children play with [TS]

00:10:16   their toys [TS]

00:10:17   yeah I'm opening up the crisper I'm [TS]

00:10:19   going I'm looking I'm looking behind the [TS]

00:10:21   bags of frozen blackberries in the in [TS]

00:10:24   the freezer doesn't make for smoothies [TS]

00:10:26   hello there nice put them on ice cream [TS]

00:10:28   mmm [TS]

00:10:29   pushing stuff aside like uh you know [TS]

00:10:32   back there I'm all the way back there [TS]

00:10:34   where the packages of whitefish that I [TS]

00:10:37   bought some time long ago aspirationally [TS]

00:10:46   my freezer there's not a single there's [TS]

00:10:53   nothing and so you know what a bean to [TS]

00:10:55   be seen not a bean and I know that I had [TS]

00:10:58   yeah let's say $2,500 worth of coffee [TS]

00:11:02   I'm here in this house and it's just [TS]

00:11:05   like it learns [TS]

00:11:08   and so I'm thinking this was I mean boy [TS]

00:11:13   I'm underestimate I miss underestimated [TS]

00:11:15   her yeah every every girlfriend is [TS]

00:11:27   basically just a future ex-girlfriend [TS]

00:11:38   you got the car got the white fish yeah [TS]

00:11:41   yeah and vanilla beans so she throw it [TS]

00:11:46   out would she put in the Attic is the [TS]

00:11:47   whole point though there's the true gas [TS]

00:11:48   lighting to put it somewhere you would [TS]

00:11:50   never look and then make you feel crazy [TS]

00:11:51   when you finally find it there I don't [TS]

00:11:53   think so well your daughter put it in [TS]

00:11:55   your hope chest I think she filled the [TS]

00:11:57   bag with it and then like at the airport [TS]

00:12:00   was just handing it out free you know [TS]

00:12:02   just like hey you want some coffee the [TS]

00:12:04   Hamburglar meets Robin Hood yeah yeah [TS]

00:12:06   that's right she took from the rich and [TS]

00:12:08   she's giving to me so I'm drinking right [TS]

00:12:14   now I had to go I had to go in too so I [TS]

00:12:18   told you right my mom sold her house and [TS]

00:12:21   her what I didn't tell you this more [TS]

00:12:27   often [TS]

00:12:28   my mom woke up one day and was like I'm [TS]

00:12:31   selling my house that's how she works [TS]

00:12:32   she gets up 4:30 it occurs to her she [TS]

00:12:35   maybe she writes a letter maybe she [TS]

00:12:36   sends me a slightly terse email maybe [TS]

00:12:38   maybe she realizes it's time to just [TS]

00:12:41   move this unit yeah she said she said [TS]

00:12:44   with perfect clarity right isn't that [TS]

00:12:45   part of her the hallmark of her [TS]

00:12:47   decision-making is like it's just a [TS]

00:12:49   utter clarity like like it's just [TS]

00:12:50   hanging right in front of her this must [TS]

00:12:52   be done she's like fuck these eucalyptus [TS]

00:12:54   trees they're gone he's particular [TS]

00:12:56   eucalyptus trees she's like Barney's [TS]

00:13:00   about to go live on a farm I'm like [TS]

00:13:01   Barney is one of our favorite things [TS]

00:13:03   she's like not anymore [TS]

00:13:04   yeah and so she sold her house just I [TS]

00:13:07   mean it didn't it's not like it happened [TS]

00:13:09   overnight it was a it was a totally [TS]

00:13:11   brutal process that partially involved [TS]

00:13:13   her saying all of these things that are [TS]

00:13:15   yours in my house have to go [TS]

00:13:17   God and another part of it was all this [TS]

00:13:21   stuff in my house that belonged to me [TS]

00:13:23   that was part of mine crazy this is in [TS]

00:13:25   her voice that was part of my crazy [TS]

00:13:26   world also has to go to you [TS]

00:13:28   and so her 50-year accumulation of [TS]

00:13:33   disaster materials in preparation for [TS]

00:13:37   Mount Rainier erupting in preparations [TS]

00:13:39   for a 1 in 10,000 year mega earthquake [TS]

00:13:42   in preparation for the failure of the [TS]

00:13:47   grid due to a Stuxnet virus in [TS]

00:13:50   preparation for every conceivable kind [TS]

00:13:53   of disaster my mother had all of the [TS]

00:13:56   required implements and accoutrements [TS]

00:14:00   and now all of that stuff is at my house [TS]

00:14:03   I would go I'm sorry John this is just [TS]

00:14:06   stack is insane where where would it go [TS]

00:14:09   in your house well you have a barn oh my [TS]

00:14:12   god in a basement and crawl it wants to [TS]

00:14:16   be empty well not this one mm-hmm [TS]

00:14:19   scooters were supplying some starters [TS]

00:14:22   back there so many saw candles details [TS]

00:14:28   and sauce and also there was a while [TS]

00:14:31   there where I would every time somebody [TS]

00:14:33   was tearing down an old house I would [TS]

00:14:35   pull up and I'd say you use in those [TS]

00:14:36   columns Liquidators yeah yeah so I'd [TS]

00:14:39   grab everything I'd grab all the old [TS]

00:14:41   windows or the columns or the faucets or [TS]

00:14:43   whatever so there's you know I could [TS]

00:14:48   build another barn with what's in the [TS]

00:14:50   barn and I outfit it with its own [TS]

00:14:53   scooter and chop saw and anyway so but [TS]

00:14:58   part of the disaster material is enough [TS]

00:15:02   Nescafe on my property to to feed like [TS]

00:15:07   the second brigade of the Third Army [TS]

00:15:12   you could you could you could give [TS]

00:15:13   Patton's Third Army coffee for a year [TS]

00:15:16   with the with the freeze-dried disaster [TS]

00:15:19   coffee that my mom had stuffed into the [TS]

00:15:21   spaces between her rafters and now it's [TS]

00:15:26   all here and I'm like ah I mean but the [TS]

00:15:28   thing is as soon as you throw away your [TS]

00:15:30   disaster copy then [TS]

00:15:31   then Stuxnet and then we're then were [TS]

00:15:33   you gonna go to the smart guy now right [TS]

00:15:35   yeah right and freeze-dried coffee [TS]

00:15:37   doesn't take up any space you know it's [TS]

00:15:40   definite you stuff in everywhere put it [TS]

00:15:42   in your medicine cabinet so here I am [TS]

00:15:44   drinking disaster coffee wondering if [TS]

00:15:48   everything what you know wondering if [TS]

00:15:51   this isn't the fucking Truman Show and [TS]

00:15:52   some prop designer just forgot to put [TS]

00:15:55   the put all the coffee back after they [TS]

00:15:57   you know after they like switched out [TS]

00:16:01   the white fish in the back of the [TS]

00:16:02   freezer you say maybe you were away [TS]

00:16:04   you're away somewhere doing your work [TS]

00:16:06   and they had to strike the set for the [TS]

00:16:08   next next set up yeah or something you [TS]

00:16:11   know they were coming through and and [TS]

00:16:13   oops-a-daisy right somebody I mean I [TS]

00:16:15   don't know how many times they flipped [TS]

00:16:17   this stuff as a storyline it's just you [TS]

00:16:19   you can't know because then it wouldn't [TS]

00:16:21   be the John show I mean it's a it would [TS]

00:16:23   be amazing if they had if they were able [TS]

00:16:27   to maintain as much continuity as seems [TS]

00:16:29   to be in in play here man [TS]

00:16:32   but everyone until you start looking for [TS]

00:16:34   it like once you start noticing those [TS]

00:16:36   cracks okay so is this gonna get to a [TS]

00:16:41   point where you can tell me that you're [TS]

00:16:42   drinking [TS]

00:16:43   instant coffee I'm drinking it's a car [TS]

00:16:45   that is a disaster [TS]

00:16:47   I opened a giant jar that was John I'm [TS]

00:16:50   not even picky about coffee I her sealed [TS]

00:16:52   but like instant coffee is not good yeah [TS]

00:16:58   I feel like I'm backstage at a at a like [TS]

00:17:00   a Belgian rock show that's that's the [TS]

00:17:04   bitter taste they put out somewhere they [TS]

00:17:08   put out they put out some Belgian for [TS]

00:17:10   craft services they give you some [TS]

00:17:11   Belgian fruit to give you some some [TS]

00:17:13   Belgian some vison beer in and and then [TS]

00:17:16   and you said John always says hey can I [TS]

00:17:19   get some coffee and they say yeah maybe [TS]

00:17:21   in sewer and they bring out a jar and a [TS]

00:17:23   spoon for Belgium Belgian disaster [TS]

00:17:26   coffee they do there's a little bit of [TS]

00:17:28   that there's Belgian disaster coffee I [TS]

00:17:29   mean they Belgians also will give you a [TS]

00:17:31   mushy meatball that you're not sure that [TS]

00:17:34   you're not sure what's it's kind of like [TS]

00:17:36   crunchy on the outside mushy on the [TS]

00:17:38   inside [TS]

00:17:39   what a look I'm not opposed to a pushy [TS]

00:17:43   meatball [TS]

00:17:44   if you're washing it down with some [TS]

00:17:45   instant coffee but my free life or share [TS]

00:17:48   that a big glass of milk you ready to go [TS]

00:17:50   out and rock the house right and but the [TS]

00:17:53   tear the terror that's in me now is not [TS]

00:17:55   just that this may have happened but I [TS]

00:18:00   have to go to a store now and buy coffee [TS]

00:18:03   like a regular mmm and I don't even know [TS]

00:18:06   how to do that yeah you could you know [TS]

00:18:09   you could there's a service in your area [TS]

00:18:13   that you can go to like we could have in [TS]

00:18:15   two hours maybe less did you know that I [TS]

00:18:17   joined Amazon Prime oh the devil you say [TS]

00:18:20   I did I did I fight I lay down I flopped [TS]

00:18:26   down and did that thing that my dad used [TS]

00:18:30   to do which is he would flop down and [TS]

00:18:33   just go and then you knew that whatever [TS]

00:18:39   it was like the decision had been made [TS]

00:18:41   the thing was thing was the game was [TS]

00:18:44   afoot that's like just that slightly [TS]

00:18:46   breathy sound of hope leaving your body [TS]

00:18:48   when when you decided this is the thing [TS]

00:18:49   you got to do and so my mom has been [TS]

00:18:52   yelling at me about Amazon Prime for I [TS]

00:18:54   don't know for how long forever let's [TS]

00:18:56   play in quite a thing John and she [TS]

00:18:58   bought me a Alexa she talks to Alexa all [TS]

00:19:06   day [TS]

00:19:06   say it don't say don't see what's right [TS]

00:19:09   sorry sorry sorry [TS]

00:19:11   hey dingus Alexa who is Merlin man oh my [TS]

00:19:16   god you gonna make me edit this aren't [TS]

00:19:18   you the mother of dragons is Alexa who [TS]

00:19:26   is the mother of dragons [TS]

00:19:29   well my Alexa is in a different room so [TS]

00:19:31   she can hear me or maybe her little [TS]

00:19:33   light is spinning and and she's like [TS]

00:19:37   waiting for waiting for me to say [TS]

00:19:40   something I don't know I'm not sure my [TS]

00:19:41   religion is struggling with all respect [TS]

00:19:44   I'm struggling for breath right now [TS]

00:19:46   because there's at least four [TS]

00:19:48   revelations this week that are very the [TS]

00:19:49   least of which the least troubling of [TS]

00:19:51   which is you drank fucking instant [TS]

00:19:52   coffee that's there that's the fourth [TS]

00:19:54   weirdest thing this week yeah I know [TS]

00:19:56   I mean [TS]

00:19:58   there's a big week John this you're [TS]

00:20:00   dropping a lot on me go you get is there [TS]

00:20:01   any more coming [TS]

00:20:02   no baby maybe there's a ton going on [TS]

00:20:04   maybe baby [TS]

00:20:05   maybe baby there's a ton going on there [TS]

00:20:07   really is a lot of stuff a lot of stuff [TS]

00:20:09   going on not balls in here a lot of [TS]

00:20:11   balls in the air there's a there's an [TS]

00:20:12   echo dot in my house listening to me all [TS]

00:20:15   day long I forget it's there you know [TS]

00:20:18   what I'm talking to the walls I'm [TS]

00:20:19   talking to the plans I'm running I'm [TS]

00:20:21   running things by I'm running things by [TS]

00:20:23   the plants you know what do you guys [TS]

00:20:25   think of this the plants kind of they [TS]

00:20:28   think of me good advice typically but [TS]

00:20:30   now Alexa's listening or dingdong is [TS]

00:20:33   listening I don't know what she's doing [TS]

00:20:35   with that information but I got prime [TS]

00:20:38   everyone's well I will remember there's [TS]

00:20:40   a dot on my counter and I'll walk by and [TS]

00:20:42   I say Alexa play Black Sabbath [TS]

00:20:46   immediately bow bow bow bow and I'm like [TS]

00:20:49   nice mm-hmm [TS]

00:20:50   stop using that one a lot so but so I've [TS]

00:20:58   got this Prime now and I and I know for [TS]

00:21:01   a fact I'm not using it to its best [TS]

00:21:02   advantage because all I'm doing with it [TS]

00:21:04   is I'm just watching like McHale's Navy [TS]

00:21:06   for free castle but you give that man a [TS]

00:21:14   mic castle yeah that's the one that's [TS]

00:21:16   the philip k dick nazi one right I've [TS]

00:21:19   never seen it [TS]

00:21:19   it's the philip k dick novel about the [TS]

00:21:22   what would happen if we lost world war [TS]

00:21:25   ii oh I love both it's a pretty good [TS]

00:21:27   program you should check it out I don't [TS]

00:21:28   I'm gonna pan for this so man at the [TS]

00:21:30   high castle right but I have not yet [TS]

00:21:31   done the thing that you here to do which [TS]

00:21:34   is like I need a Kleenex then there's [TS]

00:21:37   like a guy holding a Kleenex yes well [TS]

00:21:40   it's not proud of this but yesterday as [TS]

00:21:42   I was walking around making a nice [TS]

00:21:43   coffee [TS]

00:21:44   I said hey dingus reorder paper towels [TS]

00:21:47   and it's on the truck now oh wow well [TS]

00:21:50   technically tomorrow but bloop bloop [TS]

00:21:52   bloop do you um you know it's fun is [TS]

00:21:57   your friend your web browser yeah is [TS]

00:22:02   that your definition of fun you know [TS]

00:22:05   it's fun you're front of your web [TS]

00:22:07   browser [TS]

00:22:09   to Alex Alexa Amazon calm Alexa da da oh [TS]

00:22:22   and then if you're not already there [TS]

00:22:23   click on the home button in this ugly [TS]

00:22:25   web page and you'll see a history of [TS]

00:22:28   what it heard you asked for no really [TS]

00:22:32   mmm-hmm some of these some of these [TS]

00:22:34   there's most of mine are play KQED at [TS]

00:22:39   some point it thought I said and then [TS]

00:22:41   you can actually listen to the audio of [TS]

00:22:43   what it heard you say it heard me say [TS]

00:22:46   I'll play God mommy so I played a song [TS]

00:22:49   called God bless mommy it hurt how old [TS]

00:22:53   is Andy how many summers I did ask that [TS]

00:22:54   seventy-four should use tinder it hurt [TS]

00:22:59   me say is nice to her it heard me say [TS]

00:23:02   mm-hm I'm just saying it might be kind [TS]

00:23:04   of fun to go down and look at some of [TS]

00:23:06   the things that's heard you say maybe [TS]

00:23:07   even even notice it heard you say [TS]

00:23:09   alright well here's how much is it how [TS]

00:23:12   much is that a sindbad sindbad all right [TS]

00:23:19   here's here's what it's telling me I [TS]

00:23:21   wanted to know the weather and then the [TS]

00:23:23   weather and then the weather and then [TS]

00:23:25   the weather was really paying for itself [TS]

00:23:27   already isn't it and then I said how are [TS]

00:23:29   you and she searched Bing for how are [TS]

00:23:33   you and she said I'm just fine thank you [TS]

00:23:35   and then and then I said what's the [TS]

00:23:41   dog's favorite instrument and she said a [TS]

00:23:43   trombone than the weather whether I [TS]

00:23:49   listen to or someone here listen to [TS]

00:23:53   radio lab and then I said say Alexa and [TS]

00:23:58   she said how to pronounce Alexa oh man [TS]

00:24:02   why is Lena Dunham controversial who is [TS]

00:24:09   Lena Dunham is there controversy about [TS]

00:24:12   Lena Dunham that I have no idea the [TS]

00:24:17   other people are in my house there's [TS]

00:24:20   some multi-purpose copy paper that I [TS]

00:24:22   bought that I [TS]

00:24:23   copier so I don't know why there's lots [TS]

00:24:25   of copy paper here that's so I here [TS]

00:24:28   somewhere mine is good that's that's [TS]

00:24:32   what is that's on you yeah here's thank [TS]

00:24:35   you doesn't feel that but uh hmm oh [TS]

00:24:38   that's okay is your desk okay [TS]

00:24:41   are you factory as far as I can tell the [TS]

00:24:47   only thing that on this that I have any [TS]

00:24:51   recollection of ever saying to Alexa is [TS]

00:24:54   Alexa play Black Sabbath so so I've used [TS]

00:25:01   it as far as I can tell other than I [TS]

00:25:03   mean maybe I was maybe I woke up in the [TS]

00:25:05   middle of the night and I was wandering [TS]

00:25:06   around mumbling about Lena Dunham but I [TS]

00:25:09   think the only thing I've ever said to [TS]

00:25:11   it is play Black Sabbath and it did that [TS]

00:25:13   very successfully so I should choose 7th [TS]

00:25:16   2017 9:01 p.m. play Iron Man by Black [TS]

00:25:19   Sabbath boom that happened to you - oh [TS]

00:25:23   yeah mmhmm yeah see that comes up a lot [TS]

00:25:26   as like I was like I was you heard me [TS]

00:25:29   earlier riffing on that Monty Python [TS]

00:25:32   sketch and which my daughter and I my [TS]

00:25:34   daughter I watch a lot of money Python [TS]

00:25:35   now and she didn't remember what I said [TS]

00:25:36   and so I said oh play played Dennis [TS]

00:25:39   Moore and it played me a snippet from [TS]

00:25:40   Dennis Moore a lot of times I'll say oh [TS]

00:25:42   you know that want Black Sabbath song [TS]

00:25:43   the one from the Iron Man movie and then [TS]

00:25:45   it'll play it for you [TS]

00:25:46   Brown round noise for sleep that's nice [TS]

00:25:49   mm-hmm mm-hmm takes a lot of KQED in [TS]

00:25:52   here [TS]

00:25:53   Brown noise for sleep it's not the brown [TS]

00:25:56   sound it's brown noise yeah I was gonna [TS]

00:25:58   say get real careful what you ask for [TS]

00:26:00   please no please no brown trout that [TS]

00:26:06   stand up your Christine I you know I say [TS]

00:26:10   that to people all the time [TS]

00:26:13   Christine sir [TS]

00:26:15   who one get up on the downstroke get a [TS]

00:26:18   ball on the downstroke oh so I need I [TS]

00:26:22   kind of need to learn from people I'm [TS]

00:26:25   just gonna tell you buddy let go and let [TS]

00:26:28   God because it is a process to get [TS]

00:26:30   comfortable with doing this it might [TS]

00:26:31   take you weeks but it will pay off [TS]

00:26:33   it's it takes a while to not feel like a [TS]

00:26:36   dingaling pour it or or a ding dong when [TS]

00:26:40   you're doing this did your go you might [TS]

00:26:41   if you're like most people I know you're [TS]

00:26:43   not if you're like most people you will [TS]

00:26:45   feel very self-conscious about doing [TS]

00:26:46   this you will feel perhaps stupid doing [TS]

00:26:48   this but it does eventually take your [TS]

00:26:52   saying talking to the to the bot I'm [TS]

00:26:54   seeing the whole stack I'm saying closer [TS]

00:26:56   to the gallon getting comfortable with [TS]

00:26:58   the whole idea of this thing being in [TS]

00:26:59   your house is difficult getting [TS]

00:27:01   comfortable with remembering that it is [TS]

00:27:04   there and what it can do that's a whole [TS]

00:27:07   another thing as you as you say doing it [TS]

00:27:10   often then remembering enough to the and [TS]

00:27:12   then doing it and not feeling stupid [TS]

00:27:14   that that's two weeks right there but [TS]

00:27:17   then eventually you just find yourself [TS]

00:27:18   doing it all the time huh not not [TS]

00:27:21   necessarily by stuff like I say I mean [TS]

00:27:23   like I I decided I'm not using a clock [TS]

00:27:27   radio anymore because I wasn't using the [TS]

00:27:29   clock and I wasn't using the radio that [TS]

00:27:31   much and I wasn't use never using the [TS]

00:27:33   alarms I don't want alarms in my life [TS]

00:27:35   ever I mean like reminders but I don't [TS]

00:27:37   want to like you know so we've gone to [TS]

00:27:39   pure we have a clock in the room but [TS]

00:27:43   that's how I play the radio now I play [TS]

00:27:45   the radio through my dingus so if you're [TS]

00:27:48   ding is hooked up to other ding guy or [TS]

00:27:50   multi dingus household yeah I bet okay [TS]

00:27:54   I'm sorry I did not mean to take you [TS]

00:27:55   guys so much to cover so you what I was [TS]

00:27:59   gonna say though is you can do what's [TS]

00:28:02   called prime now are you aware prime now [TS]

00:28:06   no go to prime now amazon.com and now I [TS]

00:28:14   live in a far-flung part of town where [TS]

00:28:17   you can't get like instant or like [TS]

00:28:18   one-hour delivery [TS]

00:28:19   but usually within within two hours you [TS]

00:28:21   can get almost not anything but a lot of [TS]

00:28:23   the most common stuff delivered like my [TS]

00:28:27   cards compost bags cat litter car hard [TS]

00:28:30   caps you want but will they deliver like [TS]

00:28:34   vintage Navy uniforms we check vintage [TS]

00:28:38   Navy uniforms no they have men's Navy [TS]

00:28:46   adult crew sweatshirts for $8.99 [TS]

00:28:50   salmon in color okay well they deliver [TS]

00:28:55   Tony llama boots sighs well that's what [TS]

00:28:58   one L right yeah just well okay no no [TS]

00:29:03   they don't have that no let's look at [TS]

00:29:05   Mama's ll a ma I can get a book called [TS]

00:29:08   llama llama jingle bells or a llama [TS]

00:29:11   llama at mama [TS]

00:29:16   [Music] [TS]

00:29:18   Shamma Lamma ding dong you could get see [TS]

00:29:23   but let's look at coffee CFE oh your [TS]

00:29:25   coffee coffee that's that's the thing [TS]

00:29:27   you can get you some some Starbucks some [TS]

00:29:29   donkey doughnuts some Chevallier [TS]

00:29:31   oh you get a big Maxwell House you love [TS]

00:29:33   that didn't get these these terrines and [TS]

00:29:35   I'm not saying this is always gonna be [TS]

00:29:36   the best but this is our go-to we do get [TS]

00:29:38   either Pete's or Starbucks French Roast [TS]

00:29:41   is our go-to and they will bring that 12 [TS]

00:29:44   ounces of that to your house $5.99 [TS]

00:29:45   two hours whoa now I know it's killing [TS]

00:29:48   the economy the other day I was looking [TS]

00:29:51   for some Red Wing boots for a friend of [TS]

00:29:54   mine in size 15 [TS]

00:29:56   Wow and I discovered that size 15 shoes [TS]

00:30:00   are not easy to come by [TS]

00:30:02   mm-hmm the companies all are like well [TS]

00:30:04   we make all kinds of shoes up to size 14 [TS]

00:30:08   and then they quit but that's officially [TS]

00:30:10   where the curve gets to there's not [TS]

00:30:12   enough people at that size to produce [TS]

00:30:14   those at scale and have them in stock [TS]

00:30:16   yeah that seems crazy to me that they [TS]

00:30:18   wouldn't at least somewhere out there be [TS]

00:30:20   like yeah we can get those for you we do [TS]

00:30:21   have some we just don't you know we're [TS]

00:30:23   not keeping them on the shelves here [TS]

00:30:24   very hard so can you see if Amazon can [TS]

00:30:27   can can your Amazon help me find a size [TS]

00:30:30   15 Red Wings [TS]

00:30:32   well I I'm gonna just guess they're not [TS]

00:30:36   gonna have size 15 shoes for two-hour [TS]

00:30:38   delivery you're looking more at the [TS]

00:30:40   kinds of things one says oh I'm out of [TS]

00:30:42   paper towels yeah or I want to get or [TS]

00:30:45   you could buy another Amazon that goes [TS]

00:30:47   to you it's that goes all the way down [TS]

00:30:53   hmm let's let go in black or white you [TS]

00:30:57   can get a dot you can get it you can get [TS]

00:30:59   a case for your dot oh I got case but [TS]

00:31:02   aren't you supposed to just leave them [TS]

00:31:03   lying around while I make it case on [TS]

00:31:06   them I don't know I think some people [TS]

00:31:08   are fussy about those things that's also [TS]

00:31:10   get Jesse thorn kind of thing to do to [TS]

00:31:12   put it put your your dot in a case you [TS]

00:31:14   get put your dot into KC you know I [TS]

00:31:15   don't that I don't want that then you [TS]

00:31:17   get a case removing tool it seems to me [TS]

00:31:20   in my own life that things like paper [TS]

00:31:23   towels and coffee and butter and socks [TS]

00:31:27   and stuff like that are never the things [TS]

00:31:29   that I find myself needing what I need [TS]

00:31:38   what I look on the internet for in the [TS]

00:31:40   middle of the night is like just like [TS]

00:31:46   really weird stuff a window where he [TS]

00:31:48   campaigned pin yeah that I did but I [TS]

00:31:51   feel like I desperately need that [TS]

00:31:52   delivered in 24 hours now I know the [TS]

00:31:54   feeling a problem like I need some I [TS]

00:31:57   need like as many des sont pullover [TS]

00:32:01   windbreakers as I can get [TS]

00:32:03   what's your bottom price get him here [TS]

00:32:07   ASAP and then you know then I ordered [TS]

00:32:09   them on mass and then I said every [TS]

00:32:12   everyday on my chair and I watched down [TS]

00:32:15   the road for the truck to arrive I know [TS]

00:32:17   and it's like come on come on this is [TS]

00:32:20   what I need and it's like butter and [TS]

00:32:22   bread and stuff that you know that stuff [TS]

00:32:25   finds its way to you it's a quote it e [TS]

00:32:27   you know that's that's either that's the [TS]

00:32:29   easy as you say the low-hanging fruit or [TS]

00:32:31   the low-hanging bread yeah yeah so okay [TS]

00:32:34   so I'm looking here at at prime now [TS]

00:32:36   amazon.com org I see here snacks mm-hmm [TS]

00:32:41   shop clothing and accessories I'm gonna [TS]

00:32:43   go there in a minute [TS]

00:32:44   shop Ben & Jerry's that's a whole layer [TS]

00:32:47   that might be a business development [TS]

00:32:49   relationship huh [TS]

00:32:50   top layer ben jerry's summer treats [TS]

00:32:53   business development okay but just lose [TS]

00:32:55   the search field and search you some [TS]

00:32:57   coffee [TS]

00:32:57   here are some partners washable yeah do [TS]

00:33:00   you have those there this is this is [TS]

00:33:02   regional elijah meyer oh these are local [TS]

00:33:05   stores i see and right right here the [TS]

00:33:06   first first local store in seattle [TS]

00:33:08   amazon [TS]

00:33:09   yeah shop local store if you got amazon [TS]

00:33:11   peninsula beauty pet food express I've [TS]

00:33:16   talked about talent always confuses me [TS]

00:33:18   hmm okay top categories grocery alcohol [TS]

00:33:22   help and beauty health and beauty HB a [TS]

00:33:24   they call it oh I do need some q-tips [TS]

00:33:26   hahaha see ya you know never stick [TS]

00:33:29   anything inside your ear bigger than [TS]

00:33:30   your elbow [TS]

00:33:31   mm-hm except for this thing that's [TS]

00:33:32   specifically designed to do that you're [TS]

00:33:33   not supposed to do I do it I do it every [TS]

00:33:36   night when I'm watching TV [TS]

00:33:36   do you know Scott Simpson gave me a [TS]

00:33:38   Japanese ear cleaner mmm high time he [TS]

00:33:43   gave me some sponges yeah he's crazy [TS]

00:33:46   about those freaking sponges you know [TS]

00:33:48   we're talking about a guy I haven't [TS]

00:33:49   spoken to in a year cuz he won't a [TS]

00:33:50   return to return my taxes like he it's [TS]

00:33:52   like he turned into a he turn into a [TS]

00:33:55   cloud hmm but I but I still have all [TS]

00:33:58   these sponges under my kitchen counter [TS]

00:33:59   every time I look at him I get the magic [TS]

00:34:02   sponges yeah yeah household essentials [TS]

00:34:05   electronics and video games Amazon [TS]

00:34:07   devices that's its own I could get a [TS]

00:34:09   fire tablet pet supplies toys kids and [TS]

00:34:13   baby home kitchen I am so sorry John I I [TS]

00:34:16   have grossly derailed this whole [TS]

00:34:18   conversation by introducing you to this [TS]

00:34:20   world I just want you to be aware of it [TS]

00:34:21   headphone about headphones how many [TS]

00:34:25   times do you buy a new pair of [TS]

00:34:26   headphones like things to listen to [TS]

00:34:31   music on the go on my ears okay not that [TS]

00:34:36   often [TS]

00:34:41   my average is out - once a year no kind [TS]

00:34:45   of you might go - but one thing is I [TS]

00:34:47   bought the Apple cordless ones and I'm [TS]

00:34:49   pretty happy with them so I used those a [TS]

00:34:51   lot before that I used this these really [TS]

00:34:53   nice in your little butt plugs you put [TS]

00:34:55   in your ear and they were really nice [TS]

00:34:57   and they work great with the iPhone but [TS]

00:34:59   they weren't made very well I'd have to [TS]

00:35:00   replace them in just about every year [TS]

00:35:02   but no not too much do you [TS]

00:35:06   you've made the transition to wireless [TS]

00:35:10   earbuds and you're no longer somebody [TS]

00:35:11   that's yelling at Apple for not having a [TS]

00:35:13   headphone jack no I'm still yelling at [TS]

00:35:15   that cuz look if you can if we want to [TS]

00:35:16   listen in the car [TS]

00:35:17   we got a dongle you gotta have a ground [TS]

00:35:19   goal John ding-dong ding-dong tells very [TS]

00:35:27   funfetti wait wait come back come back [TS]

00:35:28   what is that what it's funfetti that [TS]

00:35:30   looks fun gluten-free cake gently Oh [TS]

00:35:39   strawberry Oh strawberry frosting [TS]

00:35:41   they'll just bring frosting to your [TS]

00:35:43   house John like a tub of frosting okay I [TS]

00:35:45   would order that shit you know what [TS]

00:35:48   here's what a shit show it is Ben and [TS]

00:35:50   Jerry's summer treats I clicked on it [TS]

00:35:51   here there's only five flavors okay [TS]

00:35:53   caramel sutra core I don't know Tara [TS]

00:35:56   knows that with a k' I don't either [TS]

00:35:59   Americone dream chocolate chip cookie [TS]

00:36:03   dough which is like yes it's good but [TS]

00:36:05   I'm not a freaking secretary and a [TS]

00:36:07   insurance company nobody like I'm a [TS]

00:36:09   full-grown man yes peanut butter cup and [TS]

00:36:14   chocolate fudge brownie also a [TS]

00:36:17   secretarial Brent so where is the New [TS]

00:36:23   York super fudge chunk where is the [TS]

00:36:24   everything but the these are the great [TS]

00:36:27   flavors these are the Ben and Jerry's [TS]

00:36:29   top flavors [TS]

00:36:30   oh there's one I like a lot what's the [TS]

00:36:32   call it's like chocolate fantasy [TS]

00:36:33   everything but the girl there's one it's [TS]

00:36:35   like chocolate chocolate chocolate and [TS]

00:36:37   chocolate it's like again it's like a [TS]

00:36:38   Monty Python sketch but it's like it's [TS]

00:36:40   like fudge ice cream with fudge and more [TS]

00:36:42   chocolate and and like it's all of the [TS]

00:36:45   little chocolate fantasy fudge master [TS]

00:36:48   here's the thing about the word fudge [TS]

00:36:54   yes there's nothing there's no there's [TS]

00:36:59   no access there's no way there's no type [TS]

00:37:03   of way to say fudge it's really gross [TS]

00:37:08   without it just sounds dirty just [TS]

00:37:11   resonating in the room and you try to [TS]

00:37:15   get it out [TS]

00:37:16   slip it into conversation like oh I'm [TS]

00:37:18   gonna get the fudge it's like you might [TS]

00:37:22   as well just clanged two symbols [TS]

00:37:24   together and then it just ring it just [TS]

00:37:27   rolls around in my head for the rest of [TS]

00:37:29   the day fudge [TS]

00:37:30   now you gotta live with that fudge if [TS]

00:37:32   you had a lisp still fudge judge [TS]

00:37:35   there's no lisby way to say fudge no but [TS]

00:37:38   you have any kind of accent fudge fudge [TS]

00:37:41   so anyway that's a way that you could [TS]

00:37:44   get coffee and and it's the strawberry [TS]

00:37:49   frosting looks pretty good it's got a [TS]

00:37:51   little Doughboy right on it creamy [TS]

00:37:52   supreme strawberry frosting no way I am [TS]

00:37:57   gonna try out their cakes you know [TS]

00:37:58   because I'm always looking for okay I'm [TS]

00:38:00   gonna put this in here this is one thing [TS]

00:38:01   I want in the middle of the night chalk [TS]

00:38:03   well you're saying that this isn't gonna [TS]

00:38:05   come in the middle of the night though [TS]

00:38:06   oh I mean you should go check okay so [TS]

00:38:09   here's what you do go put something in [TS]

00:38:10   your cart click on the cart and a bitch [TS]

00:38:15   it'll tell you let me see so when I got [TS]

00:38:18   to proceed to checkout Oh signing in me [TS]

00:38:24   get mini vegan chocolate cupcake 12 [TS]

00:38:27   count [TS]

00:38:27   oh yes you look at that select aisle [TS]

00:38:31   every time 12 12 to 2 boom leave it at [TS]

00:38:34   the door leave it at the door you tick [TS]

00:38:35   that off if it's not perishable that [TS]

00:38:36   leave it at the door [TS]

00:38:37   you don't have to interact with people [TS]

00:38:38   leave it leave it [TS]

00:38:40   ice cream chocolate molten cake no [TS]

00:38:44   here's my objection to cookie dough [TS]

00:38:45   brownie cake it is that ice cream is [TS]

00:38:52   more expensive to make than cake ice [TS]

00:38:57   cream is more expensive to make than [TS]

00:39:00   cake yeah so every time they put cookie [TS]

00:39:03   dough in your ice cream what they're [TS]

00:39:05   basically doing is hot [TS]

00:39:06   a giant space in your ice-cream and [TS]

00:39:08   putting some cheap cheaper shit in there [TS]

00:39:10   mm-hmm right you might have cotton ball [TS]

00:39:13   ice cream yes get your get as much ice [TS]

00:39:17   cream as you can in your ice cream [TS]

00:39:19   that's why they call it is man if you [TS]

00:39:20   want cookie dough you go get cookie [TS]

00:39:22   dough you're speaking out you slather it [TS]

00:39:24   with aftermarket Serge and cookie dough [TS]

00:39:26   like but don't don't put it in there for [TS]

00:39:28   me I'm not a child I know how to fashion [TS]

00:39:30   my own dessert say that again [TS]

00:39:35   oh oh no no no I was just suggesting [TS]

00:39:38   that if you're if you're grown-ass man [TS]

00:39:40   you know you know what kind of [TS]

00:39:41   aftermarket if you want the spinning [TS]

00:39:43   rims you know how to put it on your ice [TS]

00:39:44   cream you don't need some some some Wall [TS]

00:39:47   Street fat cat drizzling up your ice [TS]

00:39:49   cream for you just give me the fucking [TS]

00:39:50   ice cream I know what to do with ice [TS]

00:39:51   cream cute don't be cute with ice cream [TS]

00:39:54   don't put strawberry frosting on their [TS]

00:39:56   creamy supreme I know how to do that do [TS]

00:39:57   it I don't need a canister of that you [TS]

00:40:01   know I don't need that I don't need that [TS]

00:40:02   shot through my ice cream just give me [TS]

00:40:04   the ice cream that's why it's called ice [TS]

00:40:05   cream that's why it's called ice cream [TS]

00:40:07   and this this is the thing like cookie [TS]

00:40:09   dough mm-hmm [TS]

00:40:11   cookie dough is wonderful you see that's [TS]

00:40:13   how they get is what you're saying [TS]

00:40:14   that's exactly how they get you yeah [TS]

00:40:16   they fill it up they feel they're like [TS]

00:40:18   what's cheap cookie dough mm-hmm what's [TS]

00:40:21   cookie dough made out of like flour and [TS]

00:40:24   water and so let's throw a bunch of that [TS]

00:40:28   into this tub that should be filled with [TS]

00:40:30   fat creamy ice cream I heard on a an [TS]

00:40:34   informational podcast the other day that [TS]

00:40:35   in the old days one way of ripping [TS]

00:40:37   people off is we need to sell them like [TS]

00:40:38   a barrel of oil you'd like half fill it [TS]

00:40:41   with water so the oil would be on top [TS]

00:40:44   and then you get the water underneath [TS]

00:40:45   it's a similar situation here except [TS]

00:40:47   with with bad dessert decisions it's [TS]

00:40:50   exactly right that's how do you hide a [TS]

00:40:51   radio in Hogan's Heroes right well [TS]

00:40:53   you've put it in coffee like Eddie [TS]

00:40:54   Murphy does right if we get your German [TS]

00:40:56   bearer bonds and you could see it throws [TS]

00:40:58   off the dogs that was yeah that's right [TS]

00:41:00   those bearer bonds they'll know they're [TS]

00:41:02   they'll alert a dog like POW they train [TS]

00:41:06   them on bearer bonds yeah they smell [TS]

00:41:08   like cocaine is why does that why huh [TS]

00:41:09   well because if you take any bearer bond [TS]

00:41:12   it's gonna have a trace of cocaine on it [TS]

00:41:14   I don't know if that's like exactly [TS]

00:41:16   scientifical but I think in practice [TS]

00:41:19   your [TS]

00:41:19   you're gonna find flecks of coke on [TS]

00:41:21   pretty much any kind of the monetary [TS]

00:41:24   device like that especially from Germany [TS]

00:41:26   let's be honest well you remember you [TS]

00:41:29   remember in there I think you I think [TS]

00:41:30   this was not a thing maybe they said [TS]

00:41:32   this in the 80s maybe it was only in the [TS]

00:41:34   90s but that every hundred dollar bill [TS]

00:41:37   in circulation in America had cocaine on [TS]

00:41:39   it did you ever hear over here that you [TS]

00:41:42   think that's that's a lot of large [TS]

00:41:44   numbers type situation yeah I feel like [TS]

00:41:46   it's strange that explains almost [TS]

00:41:48   everything is the law of large numbers [TS]

00:41:49   law of large numbers it feels to me more [TS]

00:41:53   in the category of the type of thing [TS]

00:41:56   that stoners say to each other while [TS]

00:42:00   they're sitting around like messing with [TS]

00:42:02   their drug paraphernalia sure yeah like [TS]

00:42:06   like a cop if you ask a cop if he's a [TS]

00:42:08   cop you have to tell you he's going to [TS]

00:42:09   show you is dick yeah right like oh dude [TS]

00:42:13   every hundred dollar bill in America has [TS]

00:42:14   cocaine on it it's just the type of [TS]

00:42:16   thing that drug people say in order to [TS]

00:42:18   yeah the conversation that's like why [TS]

00:42:21   snoops exists why Snopes exists yeah do [TS]

00:42:25   you know if you go into a baskin-robbins [TS]

00:42:26   with a dog they have to give you free [TS]

00:42:27   ice cream some are you sure about that [TS]

00:42:31   pretty sure yeah you know it justifies I [TS]

00:42:34   think within a drug subculture it should [TS]

00:42:37   just just of justifies like it [TS]

00:42:42   promulgates it but that we're not the [TS]

00:42:45   ones that are crazy mm-hmm it's the it's [TS]

00:42:48   the world that's crazy [TS]

00:42:49   mm-hmm you know it's that little bit of [TS]

00:42:52   there was a while there where every [TS]

00:42:53   person I knew that was that was on the [TS]

00:42:57   drugs was reading a book called behold [TS]

00:42:59   the pale horse are you familiar with the [TS]

00:43:02   book behold the pale horse the hold the [TS]

00:43:07   hold the pale horse is I think one of [TS]

00:43:11   the original source materials for the [TS]

00:43:17   conspiracy merriness it is the it's the [TS]

00:43:21   it was one of the original tomes where [TS]

00:43:24   all the extant conspiracy theories of [TS]

00:43:27   the time and I'm saying you know 80s or [TS]

00:43:30   whatever they were [TS]

00:43:31   all gathered together into one sort of [TS]

00:43:34   comprehensive like aliens are [TS]

00:43:38   controlling the government they live [TS]

00:43:40   under the North Pole they this is this [TS]

00:43:43   is what explains all the the windmills [TS]

00:43:47   in the desert outside of Palm Springs [TS]

00:43:48   but it also explains Jackie Kennedy's [TS]

00:43:51   the fact that her ring was red yesterday [TS]

00:43:53   and today is green like it was really a [TS]

00:43:59   comprehensive overview written in the [TS]

00:44:02   style of you know and like this is [TS]

00:44:04   obviously coming out of one guys [TS]

00:44:06   obsessive research into this stuff [TS]

00:44:09   pre-internet and so a long long time [TS]

00:44:13   before internet this book went around [TS]

00:44:15   the the land of of tweakers and it [TS]

00:44:23   wasn't that it was not associated at the [TS]

00:44:27   time with any kind of liberalism or [TS]

00:44:29   conservativism it didn't have a taint of [TS]

00:44:31   being it wasn't as hilarious as it might [TS]

00:44:36   sound the idea of government of our [TS]

00:44:39   government being controlled by UFOs was [TS]

00:44:41   not yet tainted by politics yeah it was [TS]

00:44:44   a nonpartisan conspiracy theory right it [TS]

00:44:47   felt like you could be you could [TS]

00:44:49   absolutely think this is still true I [TS]

00:44:51   mean I have a lot of friends who are [TS]

00:44:52   leftist nominally leftist super God it's [TS]

00:44:55   it's you know no question absolutely but [TS]

00:44:59   it's it's it's something that explains [TS]

00:45:01   some kind of a big thing that doesn't [TS]

00:45:03   have a plausible explanation another way [TS]

00:45:05   and it's satisfying usually these [TS]

00:45:08   theories are satisfying of a way as a [TS]

00:45:10   way of understanding the world and the [TS]

00:45:13   beauty part of most conspiracy theories [TS]

00:45:15   is it serves to prove that everything [TS]

00:45:17   you suspected about some kind of group [TS]

00:45:19   is true because obviously this is this [TS]

00:45:21   is the kind of effort that they will go [TS]

00:45:22   to in order to keep us blind to reality [TS]

00:45:24   that's right well oh and this is the [TS]

00:45:27   great thing so this book behold the pale [TS]

00:45:28   horse was written by this guy bill [TS]

00:45:30   Cooper and his his credentials are this [TS]

00:45:36   is and I remember even at the time as [TS]

00:45:38   people were passing this around I read [TS]

00:45:41   it I read it I remember this was this [TS]

00:45:42   was the source of my [TS]

00:45:45   my great revelation laying in bed one [TS]

00:45:47   night just like totally whacked out and [TS]

00:45:53   I and that you know the the jumbo jets [TS]

00:45:56   go over Capitol Hill in Seattle I'm that [TS]

00:45:58   this jet was coming in on final approach [TS]

00:46:00   to SeaTac Airport and I was like if the [TS]

00:46:03   UFOs were going to disguise their ships [TS]

00:46:08   as something wouldn't they disguise them [TS]

00:46:11   as jumbo jets oh we've had this [TS]

00:46:13   conversation right no and then from then [TS]

00:46:15   on I was like every airplane is a UFO [TS]

00:46:18   and that came from that came from [TS]

00:46:20   reading behold a pale horse but so bill [TS]

00:46:22   Cooper here's here's his and it's not in [TS]

00:46:25   behold a pale horse that was just my [TS]

00:46:26   extrapolation of some of the data got [TS]

00:46:30   your mind right that's right now that [TS]

00:46:32   I'm now that I'm now that I've I've had [TS]

00:46:35   a glimpse behind the curtain of the top [TS]

00:46:36   secret world that actually is but Bill [TS]

00:46:39   Cooper's is like CV or his his bona [TS]

00:46:45   fides were that he was a former United [TS]

00:46:48   States naval intelligence [TS]

00:46:51   wait for it mm-hmm briefing team member [TS]

00:46:56   hmm and it's like oh right at the end of [TS]

00:47:00   that it's sort of sort of Peters off a [TS]

00:47:02   little bit it Peters off in a way that I [TS]

00:47:04   wasn't quite expecting like former [TS]

00:47:06   United States Naval Intelligence yes yes [TS]

00:47:09   briefing yeah make that sillier is if [TS]

00:47:12   you added the word spouse someone who [TS]

00:47:20   attended a briefing possibly United [TS]

00:47:22   States naval intelligence briefing team [TS]

00:47:24   member spouse secret wife in here in [TS]

00:47:35   plot so I mean so I so that even at the [TS]

00:47:39   time I was like team member usually this [TS]

00:47:42   is something that that indicates that [TS]

00:47:44   you're working out of Kinkos it I don't [TS]

00:47:48   see it like a rank there it's not like [TS]

00:47:50   commander bill Cooper former US Navy [TS]

00:47:52   intelligence briefing team member so [TS]

00:47:55   anyway [TS]

00:47:55   bill bill Cooper had some info he had [TS]

00:47:58   some [TS]

00:47:59   had some datasets but this was a thing [TS]

00:48:01   that now that we'd all read it the fact [TS]

00:48:04   that we were sitting around doing like [TS]

00:48:08   bad drugs that had been cut with baby [TS]

00:48:10   laxative made perfect sense given that [TS]

00:48:14   of all the people in the world who [TS]

00:48:16   should know about what's really behind [TS]

00:48:17   the curtain it would be us it would be [TS]

00:48:19   this group of people that had that you [TS]

00:48:21   know that never wash their sheets I [TS]

00:48:25   think that's still still true today [TS]

00:48:27   there's something about sleeping on [TS]

00:48:29   dirty sheets we're doing other things on [TS]

00:48:31   dirty sheets it gives you gives you [TS]

00:48:32   insight sleeping on dirty sheets now [TS]

00:48:37   that's a really good little soul lyric [TS]

00:48:45   everything's coming everything's coming [TS]

00:48:47   unglued I you know it it's one thing you [TS]

00:48:51   know I'm prone to melancholy mm-hmm well [TS]

00:48:54   you know it's just good yeah a good [TS]

00:48:58   friend of mine just recently said goes [TS]

00:49:00   with the territory which territory well [TS]

00:49:04   that she wasn't a hundred percent clear [TS]

00:49:06   was but it was some people just think [TS]

00:49:09   about like you wake up maybe two three [TS]

00:49:10   in the morning you go pee and then for a [TS]

00:49:12   couple hours you think about that yeah [TS]

00:49:13   you're like it was pretty she presumed [TS]

00:49:16   that I knew that what she meant and that [TS]

00:49:18   we were talking about the same thing and [TS]

00:49:20   she was like yeah it goes with the [TS]

00:49:21   territory and I was like right mm-hmm [TS]

00:49:23   but that was never clear exactly what [TS]

00:49:25   that territory was like is it all the [TS]

00:49:27   territory is that none of the territory [TS]

00:49:28   is it your territory not mine or [TS]

00:49:32   overlapping territories I was thinking [TS]

00:49:35   about territories but it's one of those [TS]

00:49:37   things that it's hard [TS]

00:49:38   strictly speaking to disagree with it's [TS]

00:49:40   one of those statements like I'm gonna [TS]

00:49:42   say like what are you gonna do that's [TS]

00:49:45   right what are you gonna do yeah what do [TS]

00:49:47   what can you do what can you do mm-hmm [TS]

00:49:51   right am i right that's one that's one [TS]

00:49:53   that you say all the time am i right [TS]

00:49:54   yeah just was like it seems to be a [TS]

00:49:57   statement about something and it's [TS]

00:49:59   really just more like a social [TS]

00:50:01   declaration of solidarity about [TS]

00:50:03   something right and I think that's very [TS]

00:50:05   very true of goes with the territory [TS]

00:50:08   because I think the assumption is that [TS]

00:50:10   that territory is [TS]

00:50:12   what either that it's that if you're [TS]

00:50:15   already you're prone to melancholy or if [TS]

00:50:18   you're I mean there's you know I'm I'm [TS]

00:50:20   public with being a lot of things right [TS]

00:50:25   prone to prone to prone to melancholy [TS]

00:50:28   that's the territory really crying [TS]

00:50:30   coffee loser yes stand full of swords [TS]

00:50:37   that's right they're coming about these [TS]

00:50:40   things that made that in fact maybe the [TS]

00:50:42   territory she's referring to you know [TS]

00:50:44   look if you have an umbrella stand full [TS]

00:50:45   of swords you're gonna be a little [TS]

00:50:47   melancholy sometime in the middle of the [TS]

00:50:48   night that territory's gonna have things [TS]

00:50:49   that go with it well sure I mean do you [TS]

00:50:53   want to talk about it no mm-hmm [TS]

00:50:55   why well it goes with the territory yeah [TS]

00:50:57   yeah I won't talk about it who are you [TS]

00:50:59   gonna say about it what came to do you [TS]

00:51:01   know oh okay that was nice talk fist [TS]

00:51:07   bump [TS]

00:51:08   you know oh don't be melancholy what [TS]

00:51:10   kept said no but nobody that's in the [TS]

00:51:13   territory would ever say that to anybody [TS]

00:51:14   else in the territory yeah it's like in [TS]

00:51:16   the x-men movie when their parents say [TS]

00:51:17   have you tried not being gay portrait in [TS]

00:51:19   this case tried not being a mutant which [TS]

00:51:21   is code for have you tried not being gay [TS]

00:51:22   its code people sneaking code a lot of [TS]

00:51:24   the time right right right [TS]

00:51:25   oh sure they do even now even now that [TS]

00:51:27   everybody's out you still got a speak in [TS]

00:51:29   code you better that's that's fuckin [TS]

00:51:31   poetry - yeah right am i right [TS]

00:51:35   i I was I was walking around the [TS]

00:51:38   backyard well no let's be honest I was [TS]

00:51:39   mowing the lawn okay and that what I [TS]

00:51:42   just first said wasn't untrue cuz I was [TS]

00:51:45   walking around the yard it's just that I [TS]

00:51:47   was pushing like a it's all your picture [TS]

00:51:49   of them when you get when you go from [TS]

00:51:51   any image of you walking around on the [TS]

00:51:53   lawn you suddenly seem much more focused [TS]

00:51:55   if I imagine you with a mower is it is [TS]

00:51:57   it is a hand push mower yep is it a [TS]

00:52:00   circle swirly Brady Bunch or is it like [TS]

00:52:02   a like a snapper we got a circle swirly [TS]

00:52:08   one because we don't have that much yard [TS]

00:52:10   like a you know like a like no no no no [TS]

00:52:14   it's the ones with the rotary blades you [TS]

00:52:16   push around like you're an old man [TS]

00:52:18   what's the other kind what's the other [TS]

00:52:20   kind oh yeah [TS]

00:52:22   oh I see what you're saying like I owe [TS]

00:52:24   the right the for what I'm talking about [TS]

00:52:27   here talking about a manual lawnmower [TS]

00:52:29   like a non power T annual yes right so [TS]

00:52:32   when I was a kid that my mom didn't [TS]

00:52:35   trust me with a with a motor vehicle and [TS]

00:52:37   so she gave you rotating knives on a [TS]

00:52:40   handle deadly 1925 lawnmowers and I was [TS]

00:52:46   out there we have huge lawn that was my [TS]

00:52:49   job right I got out of dusting and [TS]

00:52:51   vacuuming that know it vacuuming was my [TS]

00:52:54   job and mowing the lawn was my job I [TS]

00:52:57   didn't have to dust it really any kind [TS]

00:52:59   of machine on a stick that is pushed [TS]

00:53:01   that's gonna be in your wheelhouse from [TS]

00:53:03   the time I was about seven years old [TS]

00:53:04   those were my job okay and so I'm out in [TS]

00:53:07   this giant yard pushing his like it took [TS]

00:53:13   me all day in the hot Sun too long but [TS]

00:53:16   that was you know look it's a cutting [TS]

00:53:18   trail that's where I got the idea that's [TS]

00:53:20   right anyway I'm out there mowing the [TS]

00:53:22   lawn and I decided I decided this this [TS]

00:53:26   year I was gonna try something new [TS]

00:53:29   which was that I was gonna let my grass [TS]

00:53:31   grow tall it's gonna let it go up to see [TS]

00:53:36   oh you're gonna regret that but I was [TS]

00:53:39   gonna cut hands through the yard cut [TS]

00:53:43   paths through the yard you get like an [TS]

00:53:45   English garden that's right so I just [TS]

00:53:47   sort of phrase isn't that a phrase again [TS]

00:53:49   you get an American garden and [TS]

00:53:50   everything's got to be in perfect rows [TS]

00:53:51   and containers the English they fight [TS]

00:53:53   they love a crazy fucking garden that's [TS]

00:53:55   what the garden be the garden and then [TS]

00:53:57   we'll create what's called a desire path [TS]

00:53:58   I will make them half I will make it [TS]

00:54:00   back over the English garden way to [TS]

00:54:02   Flint Sun I quiet desperation is the [TS]

00:54:05   English Way and I was making little [TS]

00:54:10   roads through the grass that I [TS]

00:54:12   maintained for a while and it was very [TS]

00:54:14   fun and little the little roads would [TS]

00:54:16   come to little intersections where they [TS]

00:54:17   would connect with some other little [TS]

00:54:19   path that was headed you know over Hill [TS]

00:54:21   and Dale and you could go and you could [TS]

00:54:25   get in my little system of paths you go [TS]

00:54:27   wander all around question are they [TS]

00:54:30   curvy oh yeah fucking-a I love this yes [TS]

00:54:33   because I learned from [TS]

00:54:35   the united states interstate highway [TS]

00:54:37   system if you make a road too straight [TS]

00:54:39   for too long people will fall asleep and [TS]

00:54:41   drive off the road is that what they [TS]

00:54:42   learned yes the inner the original [TS]

00:54:44   interstate highway was I think the Ohio [TS]

00:54:47   Turnpike or the Pennsylvania Turnpike [TS]

00:54:48   and their the their first attempt was [TS]

00:54:52   like let's just build a road like let's [TS]

00:54:54   just build this road we're going from [TS]

00:54:56   here to there point A to point B let's [TS]

00:54:58   just build this giant straight road and [TS]

00:54:59   people after a fairly short amount of [TS]

00:55:02   time driving on just flat straight road [TS]

00:55:04   just would just become mesmerised and [TS]

00:55:08   just drive into there I've driven for [TS]

00:55:11   maybe half an hour and forget that I'm [TS]

00:55:13   driving and then I remember I've been [TS]

00:55:14   driving yeah so they they realize that [TS]

00:55:17   they need to put sort of giant gradual [TS]

00:55:22   turns and swoopy little you know like [TS]

00:55:27   give the driver some work to do even if [TS]

00:55:31   it's just kind of keeping these big [TS]

00:55:33   broad sweet swooping curbs but don't let [TS]

00:55:36   them look all the way out into the [TS]

00:55:38   horizon and see their destiny is a real [TS]

00:55:40   story cuz that's super interesting it's [TS]

00:55:43   like a tiny little bit obviously there's [TS]

00:55:44   the visual and physical the visual [TS]

00:55:46   stimulation the physical feedback of [TS]

00:55:49   doing that but I bet it's also just the [TS]

00:55:51   most tiny little microscopic like [TS]

00:55:54   dopamine hit in the same way that like [TS]

00:55:56   if you're driving a racecar or around a [TS]

00:55:58   track really fast I bet that's tons of [TS]

00:56:00   dopamine cuz you're making so many [TS]

00:56:01   decisions but that's just a little bit [TS]

00:56:02   of like I'm driving a car that would [TS]

00:56:04   totally keep you aware well so I feel [TS]

00:56:08   like this is a real malcolm gladwell ii [TS]

00:56:10   kind of idea this is this is sort of a [TS]

00:56:13   TEDTalk ii thing to talk about did you [TS]

00:56:15   know and I have no real I cannot cite [TS]

00:56:19   anything that I've read about this but [TS]

00:56:21   I'd be anyway to disprove you so I [TS]

00:56:23   wouldn't worry about it but if you think [TS]

00:56:25   about it you should be able to go you [TS]

00:56:27   should be able to leave Yuma Arizona and [TS]

00:56:30   drive to Austin Texas without ever [TS]

00:56:35   having a curve in the road I guess going [TS]

00:56:39   through Las Cruces you might have to [TS]

00:56:41   like mmm but certainly it could be you [TS]

00:56:45   know I'm guessing this is I don't want [TS]

00:56:46   to think about this too much but I [TS]

00:56:48   that part of it is also like what land [TS]

00:56:50   we could get you can eminent domain the [TS]

00:56:51   shit out of a bunch of that land to make [TS]

00:56:53   it straight but then there's some times [TS]

00:56:54   you're gonna get the the old man in the [TS]

00:56:55   up house you're gonna have to like have [TS]

00:56:56   a little path go around that or you get [TS]

00:56:58   a las cruces some point you have a [TS]

00:57:00   movable object and a you know in a [TS]

00:57:02   movable road you have to accommodate [TS]

00:57:04   that when I crashed my motorcycle back [TS]

00:57:07   in 1986 in Oakley Kansas my excuse for [TS]

00:57:11   it was that the road had been going [TS]

00:57:12   straight for a long time and then as [TS]

00:57:14   they were building it there was like [TS]

00:57:15   there was like a cow that wouldn't move [TS]

00:57:18   and the farmer was pulling on the leash [TS]

00:57:21   on one side and the US Army Corps of [TS]

00:57:23   Engineers guy was pushing on the cows [TS]

00:57:25   but like just cow wouldn't move so they [TS]

00:57:27   but they drove the road around him they [TS]

00:57:29   built the road around him and that was [TS]

00:57:30   where the curve came and I didn't see it [TS]

00:57:32   and I drove off they added like an [TS]

00:57:33   unnecessary semicircle unnecessary [TS]

00:57:35   semicircle because I'm hauling ass right [TS]

00:57:37   it's like 11:30 5:00 at night yeah I've [TS]

00:57:40   got the throttle wide open and way off [TS]

00:57:43   in the distance I see a car come up over [TS]

00:57:45   a hill coming directly toward me and [TS]

00:57:48   I've got my brights on and I'm a [TS]

00:57:51   courteous driver even then even at the [TS]

00:57:53   even at the ripe old age of 17 and so [TS]

00:57:57   and Here I am I've just got this [TS]

00:57:59   motorcycle who's wrapped out on highway [TS]

00:58:02   40 outside of Oakland Kansas and I'm [TS]

00:58:05   thinking I'm making it you know I'm [TS]

00:58:07   making it to Kansas City tonight or [TS]

00:58:09   whatever I thought and here comes this [TS]

00:58:13   car over the hill and I go I'm a [TS]

00:58:14   courteous driver and I turn my brights [TS]

00:58:16   down Oh No and at this point now I just [TS]

00:58:19   have my regular headlight on and at the [TS]

00:58:22   speed that I'm going that is giving me [TS]

00:58:24   some advance notice in the three-second [TS]

00:58:27   range I see something come into my [TS]

00:58:30   headlights that is three seconds away [TS]

00:58:32   and your brain so there's a one part of [TS]

00:58:34   your brain the conscious it goes I'm a [TS]

00:58:36   courteous driver I turn down my lights [TS]

00:58:37   but there's some part of your brain and [TS]

00:58:39   I maybe I'm spoiling a story but there's [TS]

00:58:41   a party brain that also goes and I'm [TS]

00:58:43   assuming naturally that this will [TS]

00:58:45   continue to go exactly straight in the [TS]

00:58:47   way that I'm straightening right now [TS]

00:58:49   exactly because the car that's coming [TS]

00:58:51   toward me is coming in a straight line I [TS]

00:58:54   see [TS]

00:58:55   that pattern and I see myself and so [TS]

00:58:58   what could possibly be but in between us [TS]

00:59:00   is there going to be is there is the [TS]

00:59:03   bridge out no from let's assume no [TS]

00:59:06   sinkhole let's us let's assume no [TS]

00:59:08   sinkhole let's assume no like corn [TS]

00:59:11   monster and corn monster commemorative [TS]

00:59:14   cow [TS]

00:59:14   it would just be natural to assume this [TS]

00:59:16   has been going straight the whole time [TS]

00:59:17   why for heaven's sake why would it not [TS]

00:59:20   keep just going straight right and again [TS]

00:59:23   my courtesy is that I don't want to be [TS]

00:59:26   coming at this person for the next two [TS]

00:59:28   and a half miles shining my bright right [TS]

00:59:30   in there I just to turn it down like [TS]

00:59:32   when I when I imagine that the that the [TS]

00:59:35   distance is close enough that light [TS]

00:59:37   suddenly becomes oh now he can see my [TS]

00:59:40   plight now some things we know is we're [TS]

00:59:42   both driving and we know this thing is [TS]

00:59:43   impossibly straight that's the two [TS]

00:59:44   things all we need to know we are in [TS]

00:59:46   Kansas it is by definition straight [TS]

00:59:50   three three you know three seconds ahead [TS]

00:59:53   and the road goes all of a sudden out of [TS]

00:59:55   the gloom of the gloaming hmm I see the [TS]

00:59:59   little [TS]

00:59:59   little [TS]

01:00:00   reflectors on the side of the road just [TS]

01:00:02   indicate that the road just goes left [TS]

01:00:04   turn if there was a sign you didn't see [TS]

01:00:06   it there was no I well you didn't see a [TS]

01:00:10   large like cow semicircle next half-mile [TS]

01:00:13   no no there was no like roundabouts [TS]

01:00:16   ahead with a cow in the middle and this [TS]

01:00:21   road went zoom and I was like wow and I [TS]

01:00:24   was not let's be honest [TS]

01:00:27   the world's most seasoned motorcyclist [TS]

01:00:30   at this time you know there are a lot of [TS]

01:00:31   people being on a motorcycle I have [TS]

01:00:34   tried to drive motorcycle like things [TS]

01:00:36   and found it hard but my feeling is that [TS]

01:00:38   like so much in a young person's life [TS]

01:00:40   most of your time on a motorcycle is [TS]

01:00:42   spent not crashing and so you haven't [TS]

01:00:44   really driven a motorcycle until you've [TS]

01:00:46   crashed in a bunch because that's always [TS]

01:00:48   an option [TS]

01:00:49   yeah you have to crash to learn now not [TS]

01:00:52   to crash they say about you haven't had [TS]

01:00:54   your ass kicked yet it's it's not really [TS]

01:00:56   that you're successful it's just you're [TS]

01:00:58   you're really only successful after [TS]

01:01:00   you've lost yeah I agree [TS]

01:01:02   right you're skating alone it's like [TS]

01:01:04   it's like it's like young people you [TS]

01:01:08   know celebrating how they're healthy [TS]

01:01:10   well said of course you're healthy [TS]

01:01:11   you're young like you didn't earn that [TS]

01:01:13   right right yeah of course you're [TS]

01:01:17   healthy and free of course of course you [TS]

01:01:19   still have your life in front of you [TS]

01:01:21   different degree than if you spend a lot [TS]

01:01:26   of time on forums of course you could [TS]

01:01:28   have put forty dollars a month into [TS]

01:01:29   retirement [TS]

01:01:30   just fucking 40 dollars a month what a [TS]

01:01:32   difference it would have made you know [TS]

01:01:34   when your kid goes to college it's gonna [TS]

01:01:35   cost a million dollars a semester what [TS]

01:01:36   are you gonna do then Yeah right of [TS]

01:01:38   course you could have considered you [TS]

01:01:39   might have a kid someday yeah you better [TS]

01:01:41   have a matching matching funds to ride [TS]

01:01:44   your fucking motorcycle get out there [TS]

01:01:45   get on and get on the couch let me [TS]

01:01:46   Circle let me know how that goes do you [TS]

01:01:47   ever go to forums mmm-hmm yeah sure I [TS]

01:01:49   got a forum okay so one of the forums [TS]

01:01:51   that I go to is old men that drive [TS]

01:01:53   Porsche 911 and they love to bare all [TS]

01:02:05   boy they love to bitch but one of the [TS]

01:02:07   things that's true about old Porsche [TS]

01:02:10   911s because there are rear [TS]

01:02:12   engined car and there's a you know [TS]

01:02:15   there's always love a rear-engine don't [TS]

01:02:17   they oh they did though well you know [TS]

01:02:18   they like to engineer things I don't [TS]

01:02:20   want to be too normative but the thing [TS]

01:02:23   about it German is they will engineer it [TS]

01:02:25   right they want to they want to build it [TS]

01:02:27   yeah they want to they want to draw it [TS]

01:02:29   and then build it according to the [TS]

01:02:31   drawing yeah anyway if you are in a in a [TS]

01:02:34   Porsche 911 and you are going fast [TS]

01:02:37   through the twisties let's call them [TS]

01:02:40   that let's say that just to please [TS]

01:02:41   people going through the twisty roads a [TS]

01:02:46   truism is that you do not lift off your [TS]

01:02:50   accelerator in a corner because if you [TS]

01:02:54   go into a corner with your foot on the [TS]

01:02:56   gas and then you're going too fast [TS]

01:02:59   and you get a little scared and you lift [TS]

01:03:02   your foot off the gas the back end is [TS]

01:03:06   gonna up your Porsche 911 is gonna cut [TS]

01:03:08   loose and it's gonna spin out and you're [TS]

01:03:12   gonna crash because because it's behind [TS]

01:03:15   you get the Brian the engine so if you [TS]

01:03:18   get scared in a corner in a Porsche 911 [TS]

01:03:21   the thing to do is give it more gas not [TS]

01:03:24   less turns fucking out I never would [TS]

01:03:27   have guessed that yes because if you [TS]

01:03:28   push it if you push the gas down the car [TS]

01:03:31   will sink down and and it's and the turn [TS]

01:03:34   radius will back up a truck with a [TS]

01:03:36   trailer you have to let go of everything [TS]

01:03:38   you think you understand about angles [TS]

01:03:40   that's right you got your hand on the [TS]

01:03:41   bottom of the wheel and and steer [TS]

01:03:44   backwards you have to go against every [TS]

01:03:46   instinct you know you don't talk about [TS]

01:03:47   right oh yes my favorite times I've [TS]

01:03:59   quivered in fear with Sean Nelson and so [TS]

01:04:03   many times when that was one of the best [TS]

01:04:04   one Danis lie straight ahead and work [TS]

01:04:06   that out with you ahead of time handy in [TS]

01:04:10   German yep and so you going around the [TS]

01:04:13   curve but so this is true of motorcycles [TS]

01:04:15   too if you go into a corner and use then [TS]

01:04:18   you realize that your geometry is wrong [TS]

01:04:20   and that you feel like oh shit I'm in [TS]

01:04:22   this corner I'm going too hot and if I [TS]

01:04:26   if I don't figure this out I'm gonna go [TS]

01:04:29   I'm gonna go off the road yep yep yep [TS]

01:04:32   the your instinct is to let off the gas [TS]

01:04:37   because right you're going too fast so [TS]

01:04:40   you let off the gas but if you're on a [TS]

01:04:41   motorcycle and you let off the gas [TS]

01:04:42   you're gonna straighten up and you're [TS]

01:04:44   gonna now you're really gonna go [TS]

01:04:46   straight off the road and what you what [TS]

01:04:49   you need to do is give it more gas and [TS]

01:04:51   you will it's this incredible feeling [TS]

01:04:54   that seems that seems so crazy that's [TS]

01:04:58   like me and anti-lock brakes as somebody [TS]

01:05:01   who used to own a rear-engine Volkswagen [TS]

01:05:04   bus I'll tell you what I knew is you [TS]

01:05:07   just you pump lightly pump pump pump up [TS]

01:05:10   not pump up up up up up [TS]

01:05:12   that pump up pump up pump up like you're [TS]

01:05:14   trying you like you feel like you're [TS]

01:05:16   trying to trying to awaken a fat man [TS]

01:05:17   just gentle little pushes and then you [TS]

01:05:20   get into where these and so that's been [TS]

01:05:21   made my bones on these terrible old cars [TS]

01:05:24   that you don't you would never slam the [TS]

01:05:25   brakes on because guess what everything [TS]

01:05:26   locks up and you're in the paper [TS]

01:05:28   tomorrow and now today you don't do that [TS]

01:05:30   you don't go you don't go tap a tap a [TS]

01:05:32   tap on brakes anymore right uh no I [TS]

01:05:36   don't think it's a new it's a whole new [TS]

01:05:38   world I mean it's not that new but it's [TS]

01:05:39   still new ish to me most of the driving [TS]

01:05:41   that I've done in my life was on none [TS]

01:05:43   non anti-lock brakes like I saw you [TS]

01:05:46   should call them lock brakes uh well I [TS]

01:05:49   mean you probably started off in a car [TS]

01:05:51   with drum brakes and then it had disc [TS]

01:05:53   brakes was the big it was the big [TS]

01:05:55   invention but now yeah you don't do that [TS]

01:05:57   because if you do you're just messing [TS]

01:06:00   with the anti-lock brake system yes [TS]

01:06:01   before it's pumped before you either [TS]

01:06:03   pump it's doing a popping right yeah and [TS]

01:06:07   if you get in if you get in there and [TS]

01:06:09   try and get involved in that process [TS]

01:06:10   you're just gumming up the works yeah [TS]

01:06:13   yeah the machine is trying to do it in [TS]

01:06:15   the new cars like it's doing it all four [TS]

01:06:17   wheels are doing it differently based on [TS]

01:06:19   the traction that they sense through [TS]

01:06:21   their feelers it's using science for [TS]

01:06:23   that John oh so much science you know [TS]

01:06:26   who else likes to engineer things [TS]

01:06:27   Japanese carmakers but so that but the [TS]

01:06:33   thing is about driving a Porsche and a [TS]

01:06:35   motorcycle is that if you do want to [TS]

01:06:37   slow down you do it before [TS]

01:06:39   turn before that so you let your gas off [TS]

01:06:42   while you're still going Street here [TS]

01:06:44   comes the corner [TS]

01:06:45   you let your gas off while you're still [TS]

01:06:47   going straight you don't put on you [TS]

01:06:49   don't necessarily have to put on the [TS]

01:06:50   brake just letting the gas off will [TS]

01:06:52   allow that sort of engine compression to [TS]

01:06:54   slow your vehicle down just enough and [TS]

01:06:58   then as you set up to go into the turn [TS]

01:07:01   you put on the gas not take it off this [TS]

01:07:04   is so the one piece of knowledge that [TS]

01:07:08   I've got about cars and as you know I [TS]

01:07:09   don't enjoy driving I don't like cars [TS]

01:07:11   but I think the one piece of knowledge [TS]

01:07:12   is that I have it's it's got a little [TS]

01:07:15   bit of Eastern philosophy to it I feel [TS]

01:07:16   like in my head the first step towards [TS]

01:07:19   stopping is to stop starting so if [TS]

01:07:23   before you hit the brakes like for [TS]

01:07:25   example let's say you're going on the [TS]

01:07:26   grapevine and you suddenly see the red [TS]

01:07:28   brick lights they're going to get to get [TS]

01:07:29   in getting closer closer closer like [TS]

01:07:31   before you have the brakes stopped [TS]

01:07:32   accelerating well that fucking grapevine [TS]

01:07:34   the grapevine well mike symon raw no my [TS]

01:07:39   number one rule on the highway is if I [TS]

01:07:41   see brake lights of any kind I put a [TS]

01:07:44   little Mario Brothers coin over that car [TS]

01:07:47   yeah and the coin says ding-dong right [TS]

01:07:52   at this point they are merely they are [TS]

01:07:54   identified merely as a ding dong that [TS]

01:07:55   like that coin could go up in value if [TS]

01:07:57   they turn into a dipshit right because [TS]

01:07:59   yeah you do not need to touch your [TS]

01:08:01   brakes DRI oh no the Germans have whole [TS]

01:08:04   studies about this John if you read the [TS]

01:08:05   studies about how traffic will be better [TS]

01:08:06   if we quit driving fast and hitting our [TS]

01:08:08   brakes I feel that in my dog oh shit dog [TS]

01:08:13   there is a body of fucking work about [TS]

01:08:16   this about the problems I've seen [TS]

01:08:17   visualizations of this the problem is [TS]

01:08:19   you don't you want to be going faster [TS]

01:08:21   than everybody else but you're in [TS]

01:08:23   traffic so you drive real fast and [TS]

01:08:25   you're breaking a drive wheel and the [TS]

01:08:27   impact the knock-on effect that that has [TS]

01:08:29   for everybody behind you it could take [TS]

01:08:32   it could take it an hour for that [TS]

01:08:34   traffic to clear up just because you hit [TS]

01:08:35   your brakes it's like uh it's like a [TS]

01:08:37   Chevy with butterfly wings I'm hurting [TS]

01:08:39   inside because it's so that's [TS]

01:08:41   unnecessary and if you want to slow down [TS]

01:08:45   take your foot off the gas because the [TS]

01:08:47   thing is you should be looking far [TS]

01:08:49   enough ahead that the person in front of [TS]

01:08:52   you [TS]

01:08:53   it doesn't matter it's the person five [TS]

01:08:55   people in front of you that matters and [TS]

01:08:57   so if you see that person start to move [TS]

01:08:59   in a different way take your foot off [TS]

01:09:00   the gas yes you know it's gonna come you [TS]

01:09:03   know whatever they're doing is gonna [TS]

01:09:05   come and break like there's no world [TS]

01:09:07   we're in at least in my head you could [TS]

01:09:09   probably simulate this with VR I don't [TS]

01:09:11   know but to me there's no world where I [TS]

01:09:12   see brake lights anywhere in front of me [TS]

01:09:15   and I accelerate that just is wrong no [TS]

01:09:18   that's the wrong that's the wrong thing [TS]

01:09:20   to do because you don't does not mean [TS]

01:09:22   that doesn't the opposite of [TS]

01:09:23   accelerating is not breaking the [TS]

01:09:26   opposite of accelerating is no longer [TS]

01:09:28   accelerating right take your foot off [TS]

01:09:31   the gas number one thing like I will I [TS]

01:09:34   will oftentimes drive all the way to [TS]

01:09:36   town and never touch my brakes because [TS]

01:09:38   they are it's two different instruments [TS]

01:09:40   it's like when you try to injure and [TS]

01:09:41   you're hammering by grabbing a [TS]

01:09:42   screwdriver [TS]

01:09:43   it just doesn't stand up to logic I told [TS]

01:09:45   you at the time we were driving on the [TS]

01:09:47   PCH and Chris Camellia dared me to go [TS]

01:09:50   all the way to Big Sur without touching [TS]

01:09:52   the brakes oh that's the wrong guy to [TS]

01:09:54   dare dare John to do that it was such [TS]

01:09:58   fancy sleigh ride he's such a [TS]

01:10:02   he's a gesture he's a crow he's an imp [TS]

01:10:04   of a man he's always provoking people [TS]

01:10:06   isn't it job he's a provocateur yeah it [TS]

01:10:09   was certainly he doing funny you come [TS]

01:10:16   ups isn't he doing funny you come ups [TS]

01:10:17   now I think the best thing I heard was [TS]

01:10:19   that he's teaching improv in Portland [TS]

01:10:21   Oregon's and go learn improv in Portland [TS]

01:10:25   Oregon looked for Chris connealy I think [TS]

01:10:26   he's got a new is getting shingle [TS]

01:10:28   farm-to-table comedy with Chris [TS]

01:10:30   chameleon but if you seriously if you [TS]

01:10:32   want if you want to if you want to get [TS]

01:10:35   your money's worth for those adult [TS]

01:10:37   diapers that you just bought drive down [TS]

01:10:38   the entire PCH without ever touching one [TS]

01:10:43   I'm not thinking maybe I'm not thinking [TS]

01:10:45   to PCH but I'm thinking of one I imagine [TS]

01:10:47   it's similar we're like there's a couple [TS]

01:10:48   performance characteristics that really [TS]

01:10:50   make you want to have some brakes you [TS]

01:10:52   can have weird Hills you can have weird [TS]

01:10:53   curves you can have wily coyote [TS]

01:10:54   guardrails there's a lot of things I'm [TS]

01:10:56   guessing that are gonna make you want to [TS]

01:10:57   hit the brakes yeah the curbs in [TS]

01:11:00   particular the curbs at the bottom of [TS]

01:11:02   the hills [TS]

01:11:03   yeah all right we grown an automatic [TS]

01:11:05   transmission Right see ya you can't just [TS]

01:11:07   cut your way into this we were driving [TS]

01:11:09   the van with you know fully loaded with [TS]

01:11:11   gear and dudes that was what made it [TS]

01:11:14   even more sporting but I did it I got [TS]

01:11:16   there and he had to buy me dinner he had [TS]

01:11:18   to buy me dinner to meet it oh yeah well [TS]

01:11:20   made it to like that restaurant naropa [TS]

01:11:23   or your but boy no listen to Shawn awake [TS]

01:11:27   when this when this bit was everybody [TS]

01:11:29   was gripping them they were they had I [TS]

01:11:32   don't see Shawn loving that they had [TS]

01:11:34   double seatbelts on well no it was [TS]

01:11:35   Michael showing that was really making [TS]

01:11:37   the most noise man but you know anyway [TS]

01:11:40   since Pete loud drummer so so in this [TS]

01:11:45   night outside of Oakland Kansas all of a [TS]

01:11:47   sudden the road goes to left and I did [TS]

01:11:50   not I was not a seasoned enough [TS]

01:11:51   motorcyclist to know what to do in this [TS]

01:11:55   instance because I had zero at this [TS]

01:11:57   point now zero seconds to make informed [TS]

01:11:59   decisions Jesus and so I did the wrong [TS]

01:12:03   thing right I took my I let the the gas [TS]

01:12:08   off the motorcycle stood straight up and [TS]

01:12:11   I went directly off the road over you [TS]

01:12:15   know cuz the road was built up on an [TS]

01:12:17   embankment and I went over whatever [TS]

01:12:19   rickety cow fence there was endless [TS]

01:12:23   right into a plowed field and a plowed [TS]

01:12:28   field where my front tire and front [TS]

01:12:32   forks went down into the dirt and like [TS]

01:12:37   bent into themselves [TS]

01:12:39   and hooked me and the motorcycle over [TS]

01:12:42   and we just went you told you to fully [TS]

01:12:44   the Knievel you should be totally dead [TS]

01:12:45   yeah we went tumbling through the night [TS]

01:12:47   but it was a freshly plowed field so it [TS]

01:12:50   was or disked it was a disc that the the [TS]

01:12:53   whatever though the weed had been [TS]

01:12:55   harvested since their version of one of [TS]

01:12:57   those giant like like a Peter Brady lawn [TS]

01:12:59   mower yep that's right that's right [TS]

01:13:01   and they had cut up you know they had [TS]

01:13:03   rain on the Scarecrow and there's blood [TS]

01:13:05   on the plow you know and they cut up all [TS]

01:13:07   this dirt mm-hmm and so I just went I [TS]

01:13:10   just you know did I Steve Austin except [TS]

01:13:14   with with well no exactly Steve Austin [TS]

01:13:17   less dust and more dirt clods Oh Steve [TS]

01:13:20   Austin not Austin 3:16 the wrestler [TS]

01:13:22   you're talking about full-on bionic man [TS]

01:13:23   plowing into the ground now we have to [TS]

01:13:25   replace your legs that's right we can't [TS]

01:13:26   rebuild we have the technology better [TS]

01:13:28   stronger faster and I ended up I know [TS]

01:13:31   this is happening in the middle of the [TS]

01:13:33   night and it's also suffered 30 years [TS]

01:13:36   ago [TS]

01:13:36   there's the pronoun we yeah we me him [TS]

01:13:39   the motorcycle oh okay all right it [TS]

01:13:41   wasn't it wasn't like uh wasn't like a [TS]

01:13:42   girl or anything no no me and the [TS]

01:13:44   motorcycle at that point at that in a [TS]

01:13:47   situation like that you're talking about [TS]

01:13:48   we because you and you end it are you [TS]

01:13:53   have a special relationship you are [TS]

01:13:55   flying through space together [TS]

01:13:57   it lets you it lets you fly through [TS]

01:13:59   space and you both have expectations I [TS]

01:14:01   mean you're helping each other and you [TS]

01:14:02   think this was gonna go straight why [TS]

01:14:03   would I why would I need to think about [TS]

01:14:04   that yeah yeah exactly and now that [TS]

01:14:07   you're in a crisis [TS]

01:14:08   you're really depending on one another [TS]

01:14:10   I'm depending on the motorcycle not to [TS]

01:14:12   go in such a way that it crushes me or [TS]

01:14:15   mangles me and it is already mad at me [TS]

01:14:18   because I've ruined it I've wrecked it [TS]

01:14:20   hmm but you know it's not it's not [TS]

01:14:23   vindictive anyway as far as I could tell [TS]

01:14:26   I came to rest on the inside of the [TS]

01:14:31   opposite curve where the road turned [TS]

01:14:33   back around the other side of the cow [TS]

01:14:35   and continued again then in the exact [TS]

01:14:38   same direction straight along and here [TS]

01:14:42   came that car still because it was lucky [TS]

01:14:44   ten miles away and I did not need to [TS]

01:14:46   have turned my brights down [TS]

01:14:49   if I had my brights still on I maybe [TS]

01:14:52   would have had time to correct I don't [TS]

01:14:56   know I was a bad motorcyclist let's be [TS]

01:14:58   honest I was a dumb teenager what the [TS]

01:15:00   hell was I even doing in Kansas did the [TS]

01:15:01   car stop help you so I then I was I was [TS]

01:15:05   pretty trashed but I was able to like [TS]

01:15:08   kind of claw my way up to the road the [TS]

01:15:11   car did slow down because I was like now [TS]

01:15:14   I was on the shoulder kind of with one [TS]

01:15:16   arm in the air like nope motorcycle [TS]

01:15:19   helmet still on oh goodness you were in [TS]

01:15:22   the helmet oh yeah well it was the 80s [TS]

01:15:24   but and when I first got the motorcycle [TS]

01:15:27   I didn't have a helmet it was like who [TS]

01:15:29   needs a helmet [TS]

01:15:30   I'm free in the wind whoo and then a [TS]

01:15:34   like a poisonous dragonfly wasp bird hit [TS]

01:15:40   me square in the face at 70 miles an [TS]

01:15:44   hour and oh the carnage like all those [TS]

01:15:50   great scenes of like like Harley dudes [TS]

01:15:53   out riding in the wind this is like a [TS]

01:15:55   Fabio on a roller coaster type situation [TS]

01:15:58   Fabio on a roller coaster Fabio's on a [TS]

01:16:00   rollercoaster or fucking bird hit him in [TS]

01:16:02   the face and gave him a bloody nose no I [TS]

01:16:03   didn't know that story was it I'm [TS]

01:16:06   totally unclear about your vernacular [TS]

01:16:08   here was it was it more of an insect or [TS]

01:16:10   a bird or somewhere in between [TS]

01:16:11   I think it was a bird sized insect [TS]

01:16:20   almost knocked me off the motorcycle and [TS]

01:16:22   I realized then there's another reason [TS]

01:16:24   to have a helmet besides just being a [TS]

01:16:27   scaredy-cat girly man and it is because [TS]

01:16:31   there are things flying in the air and [TS]

01:16:34   if they hit you you are you are square [TS]

01:16:36   fucked this almost took me off the bike [TS]

01:16:39   man little did I realize that later on I [TS]

01:16:42   had so many great experiences on this [TS]

01:16:45   motorcycle before I crashed it later on [TS]

01:16:48   a wasp I'm screaming across the across [TS]

01:16:53   our great land of America a wasp went up [TS]

01:16:55   inside the helmet oh no no no the calls [TS]

01:16:58   coming from inside the helmet hit me on [TS]

01:17:00   the chest and then went up and stung me [TS]

01:17:03   on the face Oh No lamp it on my face [TS]

01:17:06   like 1984 what a nightmare so bad I'm [TS]

01:17:14   trying to stop the motorcycle pulling [TS]

01:17:17   off to the side of the road strutting in [TS]

01:17:19   the dirt meanwhile just this walk just [TS]

01:17:22   like that's right on my face [TS]

01:17:24   throw that helmet off and I'm fucked you [TS]

01:17:26   know I'm fucked I just got stung 20 [TS]

01:17:28   times on my face and I'm like so I mean [TS]

01:17:33   it sounds like you are but let's be [TS]

01:17:36   honest you are somewhat culpable in your [TS]

01:17:39   motorcycle adventures but so far [TS]

01:17:42   the real provocateur appears to be roads [TS]

01:17:44   and animals you got the cows [TS]

01:17:47   you got the wasp you've got the the [TS]

01:17:50   flying shit bird mm-hmm right it sounds [TS]

01:17:53   like it sounds like you're you would do [TS]

01:17:55   fine in a universe where you just didn't [TS]

01:17:57   have to you could be on a motorcycle I [TS]

01:17:58   didn't have to deal with animals in [TS]

01:17:59   particular animals or their consequences [TS]

01:18:02   well I mean for years as a child and [TS]

01:18:05   into teenage hood I would find old [TS]

01:18:09   copies of Easy Rider Magazine and in the [TS]

01:18:12   wind and all these because biker culture [TS]

01:18:14   was a big part of the 70s young people [TS]

01:18:16   can't understand how big biker culture [TS]

01:18:18   was biker biker culture was the the like [TS]

01:18:23   seedy uncle of CB culture and CB culture [TS]

01:18:27   was the seedy uncle of country music and [TS]

01:18:30   country music is the seedy uncle of [TS]

01:18:32   popular culture right in popular culture [TS]

01:18:34   father of the Internet there's a good [TS]

01:18:35   medium post waiting in here somewhere I [TS]

01:18:37   think yes hello which will which which [TS]

01:18:41   I'll talk this also weirdly hooks up [TS]

01:18:45   with your conspiracy theory guy thing [TS]

01:18:48   from back in the time when there were [TS]

01:18:49   nonpartisan conspiracy theories because [TS]

01:18:51   it wasn't about which side of the [TS]

01:18:53   notional aisle somebody was on it was [TS]

01:18:55   more like how do you understand the way [TS]

01:18:57   the power differentials work and so the [TS]

01:19:00   thing was I my sense of at first of I [TS]

01:19:02   agree with you like there was just there [TS]

01:19:03   was so much like motorcycle gang ish [TS]

01:19:06   culture motorcycle club ish culture [TS]

01:19:08   around but see now what do you call that [TS]

01:19:10   is that conservative is that liberal [TS]

01:19:13   well it's is it libertarian well it's [TS]

01:19:16   kind of a little bit of all those things [TS]

01:19:18   it's like you know we want to be free we [TS]

01:19:19   want to be free to ride yeah we're gonna [TS]

01:19:21   be free to without getting hassled by [TS]

01:19:23   the man yeah that's right [TS]

01:19:29   yes right you need to at the time it [TS]

01:19:32   felt like oh it's liberal because [TS]

01:19:35   conservativism is something that belongs [TS]

01:19:37   to Richard Nixon and so we grow our hair [TS]

01:19:40   long we drink beer and we party and [TS]

01:19:42   we're rowdy but now the the sweet the [TS]

01:19:45   whole game has flipped and now like that [TS]

01:19:48   is that those are the signals of [TS]

01:19:51   conservativism right we're just fuck all [TS]

01:19:54   you all you downtown [TS]

01:19:56   the feet college people were like [TS]

01:19:59   motorcycle here's one for you is like [TS]

01:20:02   are you okay with somebody telling you [TS]

01:20:05   what the rules are and that you must [TS]

01:20:08   follow them and depending on what decade [TS]

01:20:11   and what side that's a very interesting [TS]

01:20:13   thing well you know actually in a lot of [TS]

01:20:15   cases you know I'm not okay with [TS]

01:20:17   somebody telling me what the rules are [TS]

01:20:18   and and then demanding that I do it well [TS]

01:20:21   everybody's a rebel now is the thing [TS]

01:20:23   that's true in it and he used to be that [TS]

01:20:25   there were some people that were like [TS]

01:20:26   I'm not a rebel but you know who are you [TS]

01:20:29   gonna find now that says that are not a [TS]

01:20:30   rebel it's true but but so I would read [TS]

01:20:33   these magazines and it was like those [TS]

01:20:35   people seem like they're having fun [TS]

01:20:36   first of all they're wearing bell-bottom [TS]

01:20:38   jeans a lot of them don't have shirts on [TS]

01:20:40   and that doesn't matter it doesn't [TS]

01:20:41   matter whether you're in shape or not [TS]

01:20:44   and it doesn't matter whether you're a [TS]

01:20:45   girl or boy or or or a third option you [TS]

01:20:49   don't have a shirt on because motorcycle [TS]

01:20:52   and people are doing they're having camp [TS]

01:20:54   outs they're driving motorcycles in the [TS]

01:20:56   dirt they're doing pop wheelies they're [TS]

01:20:58   they also have like like dodge vans that [TS]

01:21:02   have pony kegs in them talking about [TS]

01:21:04   being a little kid and just I'm just [TS]

01:21:06   pulling this out of the air but like [TS]

01:21:07   you're a little kid and how's your day [TS]

01:21:08   start your day starts with you walk in [TS]

01:21:10   the snow a little bit yeah to get on a [TS]

01:21:13   school bus it takes you to school where [TS]

01:21:17   you follow rules all day there is no [TS]

01:21:20   part of that that does not seem greatly [TS]

01:21:22   improved by being in a motorcycle gang [TS]

01:21:23   first of all you got a nicer climate [TS]

01:21:24   better weather you need a shirt you're [TS]

01:21:27   probably in Virginia or you're in [TS]

01:21:29   Alabama think about how many bikers were [TS]

01:21:32   born out of school buses but you have to [TS]

01:21:34   go sit in this area and not make noise [TS]

01:21:36   where you go somewhere to follow rules [TS]

01:21:38   all day no thank you [TS]

01:21:39   oh you know what that you know what it [TS]

01:21:41   was it was the kid in Bad News Bears [TS]

01:21:43   oh of course Jackie Earle Haley yeah [TS]

01:21:47   rusha General Harry Harry sure [TS]

01:21:53   Henderson's that's right he his whole [TS]

01:21:56   like dirt bike thing where he came over [TS]

01:21:58   and and tore up the baseball field and [TS]

01:22:01   then he was the one that was like I'll [TS]

01:22:04   play pool and if you win he if you if [TS]

01:22:08   you win [TS]

01:22:09   I'll join the baseball team and if I win [TS]

01:22:11   I get to do whatever ya wink-wink [TS]

01:22:14   nudge-nudge yeah and then he won and got [TS]

01:22:17   to do whatever which was which happened [TS]

01:22:19   off screen but then joined the baseball [TS]

01:22:20   team anyway I mean he was he could hit [TS]

01:22:23   it out of the park that influenced the [TS]

01:22:25   eight-year-old me a lot too about the [TS]

01:22:27   power of motorcycles in the freedom that [TS]

01:22:29   that entails anyway I started wearing a [TS]

01:22:32   helmet because I realized that that you [TS]

01:22:35   can hit you can get hit in the face and [TS]

01:22:36   then once the wasp got in there it was [TS]

01:22:40   too late to not wear the helmet so I [TS]

01:22:41   survived and I flagged down the car [TS]

01:22:45   laying on the side of the road and the [TS]

01:22:47   car pulls up this is the middle of the [TS]

01:22:48   night in Kansas and the driver rolls [TS]

01:22:51   their window down one and a half inches [TS]

01:22:54   and says you all right and you know the [TS]

01:23:03   motorcycle is like smoking one turn [TS]

01:23:06   signal on the motor if you're adjacent [TS]

01:23:11   to a motorcycle accident and the person [TS]

01:23:13   is not on the motorcycle anymore and [TS]

01:23:15   that's all you need to know yeah but if [TS]

01:23:18   they are okay like roll your window all [TS]

01:23:20   the way down like a gentleman yeah [TS]

01:23:22   and so I struggled to get my helmet off [TS]

01:23:24   and I said no help you know and they [TS]

01:23:34   said some version of okay wait here roll [TS]

01:23:41   their window up and drove off into the [TS]

01:23:43   night did they send help well so I lay [TS]

01:23:47   there in the dark with the with the [TS]

01:23:49   blinker going deep on this motorcycle it [TS]

01:23:54   was too far away to reach you know and [TS]

01:23:57   my my leg is mangled I have a mangled [TS]

01:24:01   leg Oh God which if you'd like to come [TS]

01:24:04   over I could I could play you all the [TS]

01:24:06   notes that that leg is capable of [TS]

01:24:08   playing even still it's kind of like it [TS]

01:24:11   was a string instrument you're telling [TS]

01:24:13   me it's a percussion instrument no it's [TS]

01:24:14   a doctor rhythm machine or whatever like [TS]

01:24:17   that's it spits if I do mr. Bojangles [TS]

01:24:20   that leg [TS]

01:24:21   who does all the work that is a [TS]

01:24:27   disturbing image subway start playing [TS]

01:24:33   your leg it sounds like I'm putting [TS]

01:24:47   dried corn into a paper shredder in the [TS]

01:24:57   middle distance of some long long [TS]

01:24:59   indeterminate time I see the rotating [TS]

01:25:03   lights the emergency lights and then [TS]

01:25:05   little by little I hear I don't know if [TS]

01:25:13   you've ever been rescued by an ambulance [TS]

01:25:14   that you can see coming for 15 minutes [TS]

01:25:17   nothing I remember by that it made you [TS]

01:25:19   feel pretty good you think I hope that's [TS]

01:25:20   for me well I'm pretty sure it is right [TS]

01:25:23   as it gets closer and closer I'm like [TS]

01:25:24   because there's no other car on the road [TS]

01:25:26   for a half an hour [TS]

01:25:27   like I bet that's coming for me that [TS]

01:25:29   person in the car that didn't appear to [TS]

01:25:31   be very helpful at all did go somewhere [TS]

01:25:34   he said this 1986 86 so what you're not [TS]

01:25:37   talking about any kind of Skynet is [TS]

01:25:38   gonna be able to see you insane I [TS]

01:25:40   watched a cow circle like this there's [TS]

01:25:42   gonna have to be somebody who intervened [TS]

01:25:44   at some point this guy drove to what was [TS]

01:25:46   probably a closed store at a crossroads [TS]

01:25:51   got out put a quarter in tonight we [TS]

01:25:54   didn't have 9-1-1 yet [TS]

01:25:55   well one of the early days of 9-1-1 but [TS]

01:25:59   it was not there was no guarantee that [TS]

01:26:00   would be everywhere he probably had to [TS]

01:26:01   spend a quarter [TS]

01:26:02   yeah maybe quarter a dime called [TS]

01:26:04   somebody hey it's Jim out here at the [TS]

01:26:07   crossroads oh how you doing all pretty [TS]

01:26:10   good well say so why are you calling [TS]

01:26:13   well I just passed a young feller out [TS]

01:26:16   there on highway 40 outside of Oakley [TS]

01:26:18   seems like he could use a little help oh [TS]

01:26:21   really [TS]

01:26:22   one of those conversations sounds like [TS]

01:26:25   the being of a terrible season of Fargo [TS]

01:26:26   that's exactly what it is [TS]

01:26:30   and so here comes this ambulance and [TS]

01:26:32   they pull up and they jump out they're [TS]

01:26:34   very activated and they come over and [TS]

01:26:36   they talked to me and they roll me over [TS]

01:26:37   and they take their big scissors and [TS]

01:26:40   they cut my pants off and they cut my [TS]

01:26:42   boots off [TS]

01:26:44   that's some serious scissors with their [TS]

01:26:46   scissors I know like Oh goodbye boots [TS]

01:26:49   kou Zhong's and I'm like wow but they [TS]

01:26:53   look at me and they go and they you get [TS]

01:26:56   the aid car people like it was a guy in [TS]

01:27:00   a gal I guess and they both like they [TS]

01:27:06   went at me right away like work work [TS]

01:27:08   work work work and then when they got [TS]

01:27:10   the boo and they got me all cut apart [TS]

01:27:12   and they looked at me you could see them [TS]

01:27:15   both sit back on their heels like relax [TS]

01:27:19   and both go like they were braced for [TS]

01:27:24   something much worse yes and I said you [TS]

01:27:29   know I'm okay and they the gal who was [TS]

01:27:35   driving said you know when we get a [TS]

01:27:38   phone call that says motorcycle wreck [TS]

01:27:41   out on the highway yeah you don't want [TS]

01:27:45   to know what we usually see so you're [TS]

01:27:47   gonna bring a snow shovel and make a [TS]

01:27:49   phone call yeah [TS]

01:27:50   and we you know we got out and we could [TS]

01:27:53   see you were moving and that was that at [TS]

01:27:55   first was both good and bad cuz it means [TS]

01:27:58   that this could be really really bad we [TS]

01:28:01   could sit here with you on the side of [TS]

01:28:02   the road and watch you die which is not [TS]

01:28:04   very funny either but you're fine they [TS]

01:28:08   can be home watching dynasty like [TS]

01:28:11   they're like no no you're fine don't [TS]

01:28:14   worry whatever it is if your leg is [TS]

01:28:16   broken in 40 pieces you're fine that [TS]

01:28:22   makes me feel better and we had a jolly [TS]

01:28:24   old ride into the local whatever that [TS]

01:28:28   didn't wasn't a hospital wasn't I think [TS]

01:28:31   it qualified maybe as an aid station [TS]

01:28:33   there was something I quonset having a [TS]

01:28:35   gomer pyle building it was something you [TS]

01:28:38   know something where each room we went [TS]

01:28:40   into somebody had to turn the lights on [TS]

01:28:42   like oh here we go [TS]

01:28:43   turn the lights on so there was somebody [TS]

01:28:45   you know somebody going ahead turning [TS]

01:28:47   the lights on in the different rooms and [TS]

01:28:50   yeah that was the that was my that was [TS]

01:28:54   the that was the that was what I learned [TS]

01:28:56   that the aliens were controlling our [TS]

01:28:58   government hmm did you ever drive a [TS]

01:29:03   motorcycle after that yes really you got [TS]

01:29:07   back on the horse a little bit scary [TS]

01:29:11   I'd beheld the bat pale horse I wanted [TS]

01:29:18   and I wanted and want still to be a [TS]

01:29:24   motorcyclist because I like being on [TS]

01:29:28   motorcycle clear it's wonderful and I [TS]

01:29:31   like the accoutrements of motorcycle [TS]

01:29:35   life and culture I like the I still like [TS]

01:29:38   the freedom of it you know in a way my [TS]

01:29:40   GMC RV was just a big old man's [TS]

01:29:42   motorcycle interesting you know it had [TS]

01:29:45   all the motorcycle qualities like here's [TS]

01:29:46   a beer as a gas-powered carbureted you [TS]

01:29:50   think about people they buy those those [TS]

01:29:52   big motorcycles that have three wheels [TS]

01:29:54   and like a like a soft-serve machine on [TS]

01:29:56   yeah I mean technically that's a [TS]

01:29:58   motorcycle but it's really more like a [TS]

01:29:59   small van that happens to not have any [TS]

01:30:00   kind of an enclosure you remember the [TS]

01:30:02   ones in the 70s that had a gas tank made [TS]

01:30:04   out of a pony keg and they were they had [TS]

01:30:06   more fiberglass on him it's safe John I [TS]

01:30:09   don't think safety is what you're [TS]

01:30:11   thinking about a lot of those had [TS]

01:30:13   Volkswagen motors I think I've even seen [TS]

01:30:15   a tricycle motorcycle that had a Chevy [TS]

01:30:16   350 it's a it's part of a customization [TS]

01:30:21   culture it's part of a build it machine [TS]

01:30:24   culture it's part of you know that's [TS]

01:30:26   very show off II motorcycle culture is [TS]

01:30:28   very there's a lot of peacocking mmm-hmm [TS]

01:30:32   which I'm also like I like peacocking [TS]

01:30:34   sure but there is also a thing that I [TS]

01:30:37   have to know I have to acknowledge about [TS]

01:30:40   myself which is that I do not have good [TS]

01:30:41   judgment and and that has not really [TS]

01:30:46   plagued me my whole life it's been [TS]

01:30:48   wonderful listen [TS]

01:30:49   bad judgment is wonderful in most cases [TS]

01:30:54   but it is it is [TS]

01:30:56   like a counter indication of motorcycle [TS]

01:30:59   ownership and I don't think that's true [TS]

01:31:01   in the past a lot of people with bad [TS]

01:31:02   judgment of own motorcycles but in my [TS]

01:31:05   case it just you know it's like the the [TS]

01:31:10   chance that I will try and thread a [TS]

01:31:13   needle that cannot be threaded hi this [TS]

01:31:16   is a politically fraught discussion but [TS]

01:31:19   I think that there are some kinds of [TS]

01:31:21   things devices that become bad judgment [TS]

01:31:25   multipliers [TS]

01:31:26   well yeah it's difficult to see when it [TS]

01:31:29   is functioning as a good judgment [TS]

01:31:30   multiplier because it's so much easier [TS]

01:31:33   to see when it's a bad judgment [TS]

01:31:34   multiplier right all the fun all the fun [TS]

01:31:37   that I could have out on the salt flats [TS]

01:31:38   or like rolling around in Venice [TS]

01:31:42   California with the motorcycle that I [TS]

01:31:44   work on all afternoon [TS]

01:31:46   like in Seattle in a rainy hilly town [TS]

01:31:48   not that great but you've also seen and [TS]

01:31:51   our and our listeners have to like how [TS]

01:31:53   much trouble I can get into just with a [TS]

01:31:55   ladder and a rusty hatchet yeah there's [TS]

01:32:01   not even a motor involved I mean right [TS]

01:32:04   yeah I don't need much like to coat [TS]

01:32:08   hangers and some Elmer's glue and I [TS]

01:32:10   could get myself in the hospital maybe [TS]

01:32:13   you should get a hatchet it's not rusty [TS]

01:32:15   if I if that hatchet wasn't rusty I [TS]

01:32:17   wouldn't be here today hmm [TS]

01:32:19   it was the rust that saved me that's not [TS]

01:32:24   the first time I've said that either [TS]

01:32:25   mm-hmm [TS]

01:32:28   [Applause] [TS]

01:32:31   glad you made it here I am [TS]