Roderick on the Line

Ep. 252: "The Ur-Choad"

 

  this episode of Rodrick on the line is [TS]

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  slash supertrain [TS]

  [Music] [TS]

  hello hi John hi Merlin how's it going [TS]

  oh it's really early is it early look at [TS]

  that I guess it is it's pretty early [TS]

  yeah I mean it's not as early as it [TS]

  could be it's early yeah yeah I woke up [TS]

  singing eight to seven five three oh [TS]

  five nine that's a good song [TS]

  yeah oh god I had to I usually have two [TS]

  to three songs in my head when I wake up [TS]

  that's gotta be cacophonous no no it's [TS]

  terrible I just have like a little mini [TS]

  stroke for a couple hours in the morning [TS]

  and I just cycles through one or two [TS]

  lines from a song and it'll be different [TS]

  songs and it just goes on and on and on [TS]

  oh yeah you listen to the long winters [TS]

  albums well you know I like to hear the [TS]

  first part here get that I get the feel [TS]

  for what the song is gonna be like you [TS]

  know soon as the lyrics start you can go [TS]

  to the next song every time it does I [TS]

  still get in a lot of trouble for that [TS]

  song in the music press who feel like it [TS]

  wasn't enough I said I didn't say enough [TS]

  like I did you know yeah this lyrics [TS]

  came in and they were like skip you get [TS]

  it you get it in a closet with [TS]

  headphones you don't even have a way to [TS]

  control the music you just get you get [TS]

  in the closet you could just use your [TS]

  eyes in a dark closet you listen to [TS]

  John's work the music closet let's go if [TS]

  everyone in the house should have [TS]

  everyone in listening this program [TS]

  should have one music closet in their [TS]

  house even before you get a monk oh yeah [TS]

  get yourself a music I'm having a hell [TS]

  of a hell of a day tell me you dummy [TS]

  it's so early [TS]

  oh boy well the latest is the roofers [TS]

  are still here and today they're real [TS]

  relaxed and very jovial conversations [TS]

  and the occasional grinding noise that [TS]

  you hear is the giant tar bucket I hope [TS]

  that's not racist they've got a tar [TS]

  bucket this world around and they're [TS]

  just they're having all kinds of [TS]

  conversations about stuff so yeah is it [TS]

  hot and smelly I could like it's not [TS]

  from my home it's it's nice but that's [TS]

  really just the icing on the shit burger [TS]

  I I woke up at about I think it was 1:00 [TS]

  a.m. [TS]

  oh that's early yeah well that's usually [TS]

  a urinate between 3 & 5 and that's when [TS]

  the trouble starts that's when I have [TS]

  trouble getting back to sleep and that's [TS]

  when you get the bonus sleep double [TS]

  bonus sleep triple bonus sleep alarm for [TS]

  the 3 to 5 he's got an alarm downstairs [TS]

  daddy's down down you know you look down [TS]

  from the mezzanine that's where the [TS]

  alarm is you're looking down thinking [TS]

  man it's like a fire alarm right like [TS]

  you you slide down the brass pole yeah a [TS]

  lot like that like an Ultraman like my [TS]

  chest beep and I know it's time to make [TS]

  it number one so I went to bed I watched [TS]

  Ed Sheeran on TV last night and got mad [TS]

  and oh my god it was so at the age of 50 [TS]

  like I still get mad about an English [TS]

  man Ron Weasley in the dryer for a [TS]

  weekend your hair is stupid you are I [TS]

  know this about you you are somebody [TS]

  that's right there at the debut this is [TS]

  one of my day in date shows right yeah [TS]

  I've did something I am rarely done [TS]

  which I forced my wife to get into this [TS]

  show it was very tough I mean it's [TS]

  awesome by Castro it's a really fucked [TS]

  up it's so fucked up but I think I kind [TS]

  of got her a little bit into it we [TS]

  watched it and we were both so angry [TS]

  until bedtime about this we got it this [TS]

  morning it's the first thing we talked [TS]

  about it's how we're still angry about [TS]

  it Sharon I know this is not gonna [TS]

  matter tears in rain oh yes I watch my [TS]

  program I'm gonna try really hard to get [TS]

  to bed by 11:00 and I'm pretty [TS]

  successful with it 1 o'clock I wake with [TS]

  a raging migraine oh that's not what I [TS]

  thought you were gonna say it sounds a [TS]

  boner [TS]

  that's what wakes me up at night of 1:00 [TS]

  in the morning it's Christmas in July [TS]

  but go ahead a raging migraine at first [TS]

  I thought it was my usual I slept hard [TS]

  in a weird way right that could have [TS]

  been a Sharon normally that's where I [TS]

  get a back problem I get a back [TS]

  because I'll do a slight twist sure [TS]

  pinched nerve yes could be pinched could [TS]

  be pinched it could just be aggravated [TS]

  but no it was like in my hippocampus [TS]

  like I could feel the radiating oh no of [TS]

  like this is probably my seventh [TS]

  migraine ever in your life but I was up [TS]

  and I was hurting oh and it's sort of [TS]

  like a bad trip you've had bad trips I [TS]

  could get enough bad trips yeah and you [TS]

  eventually learn to go oh this is gonna [TS]

  suck but I'll I'll make it through this [TS]

  this is gonna die luckily I don't do the [TS]

  sort of thing anymore but right now [TS]

  having done that it's moving in him an [TS]

  orange slice shut up I'm in hell like in [TS]

  this case I got visions of Ron Weasley [TS]

  dancing in my head and so I get up and I [TS]

  go okay all right I've got to get up out [TS]

  of my Casper bed which is very very [TS]

  comfortable [TS]

  and I go I go to the bathroom and I take [TS]

  a hot shower I put it on the [TS]

  thump-thump-thump setting and I'm good [TS]

  gripping the accessibility rail grip [TS]

  does that help the thump-thump-thump he [TS]

  hits you right in the pineal gland you [TS]

  know you get that little spot right in [TS]

  the best [TS]

  that's nice any of you then you gleek [TS]

  right yes like so like daughter my [TS]

  coffee coffee well you know he left [TS]

  Genesis early oh right yeah they hired [TS]

  that they hired that other guy [TS]

  the guy was here and they heard the guy [TS]

  to play drums see when Peter Gabriel [TS]

  1989 1989 the year in music yeah [TS]

  literally gripping the accessability [TS]

  rail groaning and trying not to wake my [TS]

  family with my migraine in my [TS]

  hippocampus and so I'm just fucking aah [TS]

  and because that can help and you say to [TS]

  yourself you know it's like the orange [TS]

  slices I'm just gonna I'm gonna get [TS]

  through this and I need to be a little [TS]

  bit suta Buddhist look a little bit [TS]

  suitable estai need to say here ok how [TS]

  much of this is a bad thing that's [TS]

  happening to me right [TS]

  and how much of this is my 10 times more [TS]

  terrible feeling about how I feel about [TS]

  what's happening to me and I suspect we [TS]

  may have some common ground there I [TS]

  think that's a useful thought technology [TS]

  yesterday's but you know what it was it [TS]

  was the fire in my hippocampus that was [TS]

  actually the problem it was the former [TS]

  of the two answers John how you felt [TS]

  about it was irrelevant I'm gripping [TS]

  literally gripping the accessability [TS]

  rail [TS]

  thump-thump thump-thump practically ran [TS]

  the joint out of hot water I got out I [TS]

  tell off I have a half half a Seltzer [TS]

  and I think okay this is it daddy can go [TS]

  back to bed anyways it was not was great [TS]

  but here's the thing with the funny part [TS]

  guys it turns out there's a funny part [TS]

  well uh you get to say six I've managed [TS]

  to get some sleep I've got pseudo bonus [TS]

  sleep at this point with my suit of [TS]

  Buddhism I got a little bit of sleep and [TS]

  the thing is I I'm waking up and going [TS]

  though I wonder if my hippocampus is [TS]

  still on fire and you know what it only [TS]

  hurt a little bit and I was so fucking [TS]

  happy [TS]

  I was so gooood I've had like four hours [TS]

  of sleep but I'm so glad that I'm not [TS]

  having that head thing anymore oh that's [TS]

  so funny way isn't that a funny way life [TS]

  can get you yeah isn't that ain't it [TS]

  though hmm have you so how long do they [TS]

  normally last of the seven you've had [TS]

  you like like a stress bump the first [TS]

  thing is you go oh right you know as you [TS]

  know several hours to even a day and a [TS]

  half before you get a stress bump you [TS]

  get the oh yeah that's right oh now I've [TS]

  thought that thought now I'm gonna get [TS]

  stress bump yeah I'm thinking about a [TS]

  tingle and so that's what happens is you [TS]

  go uh-oh and there might be you see some [TS]

  Christmas lights a little bit it could [TS]

  be that you feel the dark veil of death [TS]

  approaching you know that something is [TS]

  not going optimally and you go okay I [TS]

  just got to get ready for this I need to [TS]

  call everybody important and say here [TS]

  comes the migraine oh geez and then it [TS]

  starts to set in and then it takes over [TS]

  and then it becomes the the it's a kind [TS]

  of have you ever heard of migraine [TS]

  I know okay but you know that kind of [TS]

  like that real centering kind of pain [TS]

  where it's like there's nothing else in [TS]

  the world apart from what is being [TS]

  visited upon me right now all right and [TS]

  they last I mean you know you can take [TS]

  some excedrin for it but you know [TS]

  caffeine helps but she rarely less than [TS]

  three hours rarely more than eight hours [TS]

  you just go you go lay in a room and [TS]

  like watch mr. Rodgers on mute you know [TS]

  just food well you know our good friend [TS]

  Jesse thorn suffers from these suffer [TS]

  yeah habitually I know he's sought many [TS]

  different avenues for dealing with this [TS]

  but he's it's just he's got he's real I [TS]

  was a fucked up but I mean he's he get [TS]

  some bad and often right he gets them if [TS]

  he gets them bad but I think the [TS]

  debilitating thing is that he gets them [TS]

  off and so often that it's just like you [TS]

  can set your watch by them I can't [TS]

  imagine any programs that's mind blowing [TS]

  I don't know it mind blowing am i right [TS]

  my mom gets them I have I guess in my [TS]

  life probably had a headache that that [TS]

  was bad enough that the lights wiggled [TS]

  and it throbbed somewhere in my [TS]

  hippocampus like a non hangover [TS]

  headaches right well yeah right like for [TS]

  some reason but headaches are not a [TS]

  thing I suffer from typically I don't [TS]

  remember the last time I had a serious [TS]

  headache but a couple of years ago I I [TS]

  had a I had a pain suddenly in the side [TS]

  of my head like you know the you know [TS]

  the old pain like an ice pick [TS]

  oh yes you know the ice pick pain that's [TS]

  a long time you term that still works [TS]

  right nobody even knows what an ice pick [TS]

  is or does anymore in our in our modern [TS]

  world you can't go into a hot topic and [TS]

  get an ice pick no well what would you [TS]

  do with it you can either buy 50 ice [TS]

  picks for the price of one avocado sure [TS]

  right I mean then I think that's the [TS]

  going exchange-rate [TS]

  want to sing a paris' dollar equals 50 [TS]

  ice picks making an app you get a cyber [TS]

  ice pick patter that means about 73 [TS]

  cents us to 73 cents they caught [TS]

  skeuomorphism so which side of your head [TS]

  you're [TS]

  as your LaSalle so the as I'm looking [TS]

  out of the control room as so the right [TS]

  for stage right I got this but it [TS]

  immediately becomes all in costing right [TS]

  and it's coming from inside the house [TS]

  it's somewhere is in the middle like a [TS]

  peck trying to get out it's like a pic [TS]

  it's like a pic trying to get out and [TS]

  you know I know what a nice pic is I [TS]

  know what they do I really go to stores [TS]

  where I'm like should I get another ice [TS]

  pick and I say no leave it leave it but [TS]

  this ice pick is inside the house and I [TS]

  am at a certain point I'm rolling on the [TS]

  floor sweating and banging my head on [TS]

  the wall it's 11 o'clock at night so [TS]

  what does one do there's no one to call [TS]

  who your call I suckers yeah so I lay [TS]

  there it's happening in my it's [TS]

  happening from my from not in my brain [TS]

  no my brain is clear does it more Scully [TS]

  yeah everything that my every my brain [TS]

  can is there for me in order to really [TS]

  truly feel and appreciate the pain and [TS]

  it's not like a burning it's not a [TS]

  searing it is a pick it is a pick on an [TS]

  exposed nerve and I locate it in my [TS]

  dentistry it is a pick somewhere on a [TS]

  like as though you took a dental drill [TS]

  and just no anesthetic just straight [TS]

  down it just molar and I'm I you know [TS]

  how often can you really say you're [TS]

  rising those last time you rived maybe [TS]

  oh no I took your point they're not [TS]

  often most most as you get older like [TS]

  you take something like the classic for [TS]

  me as an earache where that I will never [TS]

  have an earache I hope as bad as the [TS]

  I had as a kid right there's certain [TS]

  kinds of pains that are canonized when [TS]

  you're a child and even when you get [TS]

  them later in life you go it's still not [TS]

  as bad as when I was a kid I never got [TS]

  as sick as I got when I was a kid and [TS]

  you learned to go like again you [TS]

  double-double Buddha up and you go you [TS]

  know what I'll get through this I can do [TS]

  other things like I could tag my mp3s or [TS]

  something [TS]

  but no I think riding is rare and I had [TS]

  I had one of those where I got off an [TS]

  airplane and some nitrogen bubble inside [TS]

  my sinuses which were clogged because of [TS]

  a cold got up in there behind my eyeball [TS]

  I'll just pipe some wires in there it's [TS]

  just it's not transport for things [TS]

  it's the tubes right it's the tubes that [TS]

  make up the Internet and I was but again [TS]

  banging my head on a door saying like I [TS]

  don't care anymore make it you know like [TS]

  make it stop give me a chopstick I'm [TS]

  gonna shove it up into my into my [TS]

  temporal lobe and then my girlfriend at [TS]

  the time called her mom who was a hippie [TS]

  and the mom said take some ginger ground [TS]

  it up take a pot of hot water like boil [TS]

  a pot of water it's like having a baby [TS]

  boil a pot of water nobody knows why get [TS]

  some get some rags and then boil up or [TS]

  and then get a pot of cold water or boil [TS]

  a pot of cold water get a cold boiling [TS]

  remember those guys back in like 20 [TS]

  years ago that they came up with the [TS]

  with cold cold boiling yeah it was gonna [TS]

  run everything you run your automobile [TS]

  your coffee maker all off cold boiling [TS]

  yeah and then nobody could figure out [TS]

  how to cold boil again and hard to [TS]

  replicate so so she got a hot pot of hot [TS]

  pot of cold she put the ginger in the [TS]

  hot pot and then dip the rags in the hot [TS]

  ginger water 99 the year and music over [TS]

  here you got the ginger right the best [TS]

  ever [TS]

  so I put the I put the and she's like [TS]

  hippie mom is like alternate between the [TS]

  hot and the cold so you put the hot [TS]

  thing on there you barely stand it so [TS]

  hot across your eyeballs and across your [TS]

  nose my need to be cold hot and cold [TS]

  yeah you flap the top of it hot on there [TS]

  until until it cools down you keep [TS]

  keeping the hot side hot in the cool [TS]

  side fresh yeah put the hot on there [TS]

  then you pull it off you put the cold on [TS]

  there yeah and it's you know it's icy [TS]

  cold hmm then you whip that off you put [TS]

  the hop back on and lo and behold I [TS]

  don't know how I don't know what the [TS]

  fucking ginger did about it but the hot [TS]

  and nothing but it changed the way that [TS]

  part of your body felt it's like when [TS]

  people put on the hot and cold creams [TS]

  right you put on your thumb back sure [TS]

  where you taking it when you're when [TS]

  you're taking LSD with your friends all [TS]

  day you take a little bit of Bag Balm [TS]

  and you rub it on your nose or you did [TS]

  something you know everything that hobby [TS]

  and and and so it relieved it whatever [TS]

  it did like that the nitrogen bubble [TS]

  went bloop and it was the thing where [TS]

  the pain just subsided this awful pain [TS]

  just subsided and it's that I still [TS]

  remember that I still remember that hour [TS]

  I never loved my girlfriend so much I [TS]

  never met her crazy hippie mom but that [TS]

  but she stands she's in the pantheon for [TS]

  me of people that know what they're [TS]

  talking about [TS]

  she's so cute I'm gonna try this next [TS]

  next time I have some kind of [TS]

  excruciating pain I'm gonna try that hot [TS]

  and cold on the hot side is so hot that [TS]

  you're like yeah and then it cools down [TS]

  it gradually cools down on your head and [TS]

  when it gets to like temperate Whip It [TS]

  Off icy cold and you know Kapow right it [TS]

  did so anyway this other time this time [TS]

  I'm referring to that was more recent [TS]

  the hot side hot cold side cold did not [TS]

  work because the pain was coming from [TS]

  inside the house it was on the nerve and [TS]

  I have never ever ever been at a [TS]

  dentist's office when they arrived in [TS]

  the morning Wow [TS]

  I was parked out in front at 7 o'clock [TS]

  in the morning when the dentists [TS]

  when the dental assistants started to [TS]

  arrive you know like birds chirping Keys [TS]

  jingling on cane on chains and I'm like [TS]

  good morning it is so good to see you [TS]

  guys [TS]

  it has been too long and I love you guys [TS]

  and you know my dentist was like [TS]

  generally if someone is waiting for us [TS]

  to open the door I get him in the chair [TS]

  pretty quick yeah that's not a pink [TS]

  right that's not a thing particularly [TS]

  somebody like you that wakes up in 1 in [TS]

  the afternoon and so she gets in there [TS]

  and she's like 2 and her doing her [TS]

  monkeying around and she's like oh you [TS]

  have an abscess hmm I said what's an [TS]

  abscess what's an abscess what I want [TS]

  how I want and she said well somewhere [TS]

  down there you get some infection on the [TS]

  root yeah that's not a bad place to have [TS]

  an infection right it's one thing to [TS]

  have it up in the high leaves and the [TS]

  baby leaves but down here oh sure get it [TS]

  up there we can get some antibiotics on [TS]

  it but this is and so she says it's on a [TS]

  what is it oh it was on a wisdom tooth [TS]

  and I had all four of my wisdom teeth at [TS]

  the time mm-hmm and she said you know we [TS]

  could do a lot of things put a course of [TS]

  antibiotics on it I could do this I [TS]

  could do that I can hit it with the get [TS]

  hit with a microwave I could I could hit [TS]

  it with a banjo you know it's a it's a [TS]

  listen the banjo will make you so [TS]

  furious it'll distract the banjo players [TS]

  stop she said be fine if nobody ever [TS]

  picked him up it's a wit that's right [TS]

  they don't kill people and she said it's [TS]

  a wisdom tooth you know and here's the [TS]

  thing she said I love pullin teeth [TS]

  mm-hmm can I just pull that tooth and I [TS]

  was like pull it get it out and you know [TS]

  I'm I got a big I got a big jaw got a [TS]

  beard shaped face and I have my wisdom [TS]

  teeth were are big were big and were [TS]

  deeply rooted people don't know about [TS]

  you you're built to scale you're looking [TS]

  at 1.1 sized person yeah everything is [TS]

  built to scale did you ever see that [TS]

  remember that motorcycle show [TS]

  the the cheatin swine Jesse James hmm I [TS]

  used to make custom Jesse James who was [TS]

  married to America's Sweetheart hmm [TS]

  you remember America's raw words this is [TS]

  a cable show about about repping your [TS]

  hog yeah that's right so you remember [TS]

  America's Sweetheart was the gal that [TS]

  was in the movie speed oh sure she's not [TS]

  she's like the discount Julia Roberts [TS]

  talking about see Bullock Sandra Bullock [TS]

  Bullock [TS]

  do you remember when a motorcycle rep [TS]

  your hog show well now listen do you [TS]

  remember when speed came out was what a [TS]

  joy Sandra Bullock was oh well you were [TS]

  like who is this fascinating young man [TS]

  she's America's real sweetheart I did [TS]

  not even know about this person until I [TS]

  saw this fairly dumb movie that year of [TS]

  Edward Norton Norton hiding and suddenly [TS]

  he's in a musical with Woody Allen and [TS]

  you're in the the the Richard Gere Jail [TS]

  movie see me also he played the lawyer [TS]

  in Larry Flynt where's the lawyer yes [TS]

  and he was so good at Fight Club movie [TS]

  how do I get more Edward Norton is what [TS]

  I was thinking [TS]

  he'd been unwrap him yeah and Sandra [TS]

  Bullock in that movie it was a classic [TS]

  example of like come on honey why do we [TS]

  not wise why is this not a thing that I [TS]

  mean this is America's greatest export [TS]

  right here Sandra Bullock and this is a [TS]

  movie that is being spoiled by Dennis [TS]

  Hopper and Keanu Reeves [TS]

  Saima I mean that's like the fucking how [TS]

  does a movie survive and it's because [TS]

  like Dennis Hopper is definitely gonna [TS]

  ruin this movie wait a minute no one [TS]

  expects Keanu Reeves [TS]

  fraction so Sandra Bullock at a certain [TS]

  point right at the peak of being [TS]

  America's Sweetheart it was the early [TS]

  race [TS]

  Abby I think Jesse James who was a guy [TS]

  with a Macklemore haircut and a neck [TS]

  tattoo oh I know his name is married to [TS]

  somebody Sandra Bullock he was married [TS]

  was he mean to her yes I do remember [TS]

  this mr. coward Jesse James I remember [TS]

  this so this guy is a total choad [TS]

  but he's some I think I remember at some [TS]

  point he got tattooed on his palm mm-hmm [TS]

  pay up sucker on his comp he's this kind [TS]

  of guy I bet you he has Confederate [TS]

  flags everything I was stupid on your [TS]

  forehead it's like it's really it's kind [TS]

  of funny once but do you really need to [TS]

  see that for another 60 years pay up [TS]

  sucker [TS]

  he's a chode this guy but he was bomb he [TS]

  was the first he was the first before [TS]

  all these are chode yeah before they all [TS]

  the grease monkeys that are out there [TS]

  like we go out and steal cars with [TS]

  people and turn them into shitty cars [TS]

  there's so many of those shows now [TS]

  because people love the idea you partly [TS]

  responsible for Guy Fieri [TS]

  Jesse James the coward Jesse James it [TS]

  sounds like he's partly cuz really if [TS]

  you think about it Guy Fieri is [TS]

  somewhere in between like Jimmy Buffett [TS]

  and the counter Jesse James well yeah [TS]

  right he's a little bit motorcycle he's [TS]

  a little bit [TS]

  Robert Burdine take it back you know [TS]

  he's also got a lot of tattoos Robert [TS]

  he's got season fries no you know what [TS]

  he was Emeril is a direct [TS]

  great-grandfather of donkey sauce [TS]

  whatever that was been extended by pimp [TS]

  your ride okay where that's you where [TS]

  you watch your show and it's like these [TS]

  guys can take a shit car and turn it [TS]

  into a cool car in in a 45 minute [TS]

  episode yeah that gives me hope that my [TS]

  shit cars it's out parked in front of my [TS]

  you know Park from Park in front of my [TS]

  trailer is it can be made into a hot car [TS]

  TV show about the lottery exactly [TS]

  stories what they don't show is like 40 [TS]

  people working on this car for two and a [TS]

  half minutes you know everything with [TS]

  Gordon Ramsay we're in the last act they [TS]

  they have every time they redo a hotel [TS]

  or a restaurant they make it they [TS]

  obviously overtly make it look like you [TS]

  is literally done overnight after the [TS]

  place closed and before it opened they [TS]

  changed the entire hotel right get in [TS]

  there but people are running around with [TS]

  chairs on their heads it's like come on [TS]

  and yeah it was actually like a [TS]

  nine-month redo so Jessie James was the [TS]

  first guy that was out there and this is [TS]

  before even Orange County Choppers which [TS]

  were some it was called Orange County [TS]

  Choppers is called Orange County [TS]

  Choppers which implies that it's in LA [TS]

  but it's actually Orange County New [TS]

  Jersey or Orange County some like [TS]

  upstate Connecticut like hillbilly East [TS]

  Coast people making big hot rod [TS]

  motorcycles that you could not give me [TS]

  for free for people like Billy Joel no [TS]

  these Orange County Choppers guys made a [TS]

  motorcycle for Billy Joel and they do [TS]

  they they gave it to him onstage at a [TS]

  concert in whop eco what what wasa pika [TS]

  my massive massachusetts and it was like [TS]

  ultimate it was like it was like peak [TS]

  Goomba rights just like parking lots [TS]

  look the way they do now it all started [TS]

  with the coward Jesse James and this is [TS]

  why everybody's like a beefy guy with a [TS]

  shaved head and sleeveless shirts do you [TS]

  think it goes back to him well so Jesse [TS]

  James you know so he's got the [TS]

  Macklemore a long time before Malcolm oh [TS]

  right and he just has this he's just [TS]

  such a smug he's just smug he's like [TS]

  California smug California punk rock [TS]

  smug just a guy that you're like I want [TS]

  to take your like pay up sucker tattoo [TS]

  and stick it right into a paper shredder [TS]

  but he's making motorcycles for people [TS]

  he's out there building these cool [TS]

  motorcycles in he's like I want a [TS]

  motorcycle but I want it to not be your [TS]

  normal motorcycle and Jesse James is [TS]

  like I got you bro I got you and then my [TS]

  palm they're just putting it together [TS]

  and they're building the frame and it's [TS]

  always gonna be a hard tail because [TS]

  they're not pussies and it's like Ramdan [TS]

  and a remnant and and and you get you [TS]

  just get this feeling like oh I live in [TS]

  this garage with these cool assholes [TS]

  I could be asshole too but you know [TS]

  tomorrow I've got to go to work at State [TS]

  Farm but for now I get to watch the [TS]

  insides of these guys and when Jesse [TS]

  James doesn't build a motorcycle he's [TS]

  riding up and down the street in his [TS]

  like you know GTO or whatever yep [TS]

  the flames coming out of the tailpipe he [TS]

  married sandra fucking bullet sandy [TS]

  sandy sandy fell for this she fell for [TS]

  this ding-a-ling because he was like on [TS]

  the top of his game he's it's not like [TS]

  he's ever Adam Savage level of like 18 [TS]

  seasons of award-winning television yeah [TS]

  but he was he was at he was at his peak [TS]

  his momentary peak in 2001 ever it's [TS]

  wish and some ways it is wish [TS]

  fulfillment cuz if you think about [TS]

  sometimes we'll be in a hotel room and [TS]

  you flip by Food Network hoping that you [TS]

  get maybe a chopped or similar right [TS]

  drop and instead it's it's 48 hours of [TS]

  something about diners and dives and [TS]

  drives and it's Guy Fieri and so [TS]

  basically in terms of wish fulfillment [TS]

  Guy Fieri shows up at your place where [TS]

  you make the terrible terrible food and [TS]

  then he gets to walk in the kitchen and [TS]

  eat it for free pulled pork sliders tram [TS]

  ride through flavortown the sliders what [TS]

  the fuck is a slider this is like this I [TS]

  leave my fucking donkey sauce in this [TS]

  slider do you mean a small sandwich [TS]

  sports bar in said um hi yes excuse me I [TS]

  like a big one like three small [TS]

  cheeseburgers sliders and then what are [TS]

  these big these big beer bottles now [TS]

  that are like what are they called like [TS]

  they're not mules either a growler [TS]

  growler growlers where did those come [TS]

  from oh yeah bring your own fucking [TS]

  giant bottle and fill it up and you [TS]

  Sydney get to say to everybody oh I'm [TS]

  gonna go refill the growler I drank beer [TS]

  like a goddamn fucking stevedore for a [TS]

  dozen years I never heard a growler yeah [TS]

  that's not and it's either it's a [TS]

  handlebar moustache of beer [TS]

  growlers and sliders Snyder's anyway [TS]

  look it's so oh no it's bad you know who [TS]

  should be allowed to calm sliders White [TS]

  Castle cuz a they're the og slider and [TS]

  also it gives you the shits [TS]

  yeah right are you are you Pro White [TS]

  Castle er or anti white guy I'm gonna [TS]

  say 2 out of 6 times I'm pretty into [TS]

  White Castle yeah the other what the [TS]

  other ones are rough when I got back [TS]

  east cuz you know we don't have them out [TS]

  here in the West White Castle haven't [TS]

  been in years when I went when I went [TS]

  back east for the first time 1986 I was [TS]

  like I've heard a White Castle I'm [TS]

  trying I'm doing all the things that I [TS]

  heard about right like that like the [TS]

  first time I went to LA I was like [TS]

  where's sunset and Vine and I went there [TS]

  and I was like I did a Griswold like [TS]

  mm-hmm mm-hmm [TS]

  alright got it by back east I went to [TS]

  Philadelphia at a Philly cheesesteak I [TS]

  went to Baltimore I had a Baltimore [TS]

  cheesesteak and I see a White Castle I'm [TS]

  like I got to go in there and I think I [TS]

  might have gone to a payphone and put in [TS]

  seventy four quarters and called my mom [TS]

  and I was like what is what's a White [TS]

  Castle what do I do here she was like oh [TS]

  it's little burgers you get a bag of [TS]

  them but she said but don't do it [TS]

  they're terrible and I was like mom I'm [TS]

  on my own now even though I'm calling [TS]

  here to ask you about the hamburger [TS]

  place it's across the street I need [TS]

  snack advice from my mom I need to know [TS]

  what I need to know what's going on but [TS]

  I'm my own man and I went in I got a bag [TS]

  of them and it and it's like food [TS]

  service beef it's the kind of beef [TS]

  that's like is this meatloaf like it [TS]

  could be packing material yeah was this [TS]

  meant to go in dog food but it got on [TS]

  the wrong conveyor belt well you know [TS]

  you know how Wendy's like it's well [TS]

  known that Wendy's makes burgers and [TS]

  when those burgers get burnt they throw [TS]

  them in a bin and in the meat in that [TS]

  bin gets turned into chili it's like I [TS]

  said they went back a week later and [TS]

  sluiced through all of the Wendy's chili [TS]

  and then made them back into burgers and [TS]

  put holes in them with onions if you [TS]

  reverse engineered sliders a lot of [TS]

  onions so how'd you do did it give you [TS]

  tummy ache yeah I didn't like did give [TS]

  me a tummy ache and that was at a time [TS]

  when I could not afford to have a random [TS]

  tummy ache because I [TS]

  you know you never know where you're [TS]

  gonna find your next clean bathroom oh [TS]

  that's a good point right I'm out in New [TS]

  Jersey somewhere I was in East Orange [TS]

  the cars aren't the Garden State that's [TS]

  in North East Orange and I'd eaten in [TS]

  one of these and it's like at the time [TS]

  in East Orange you didn't just go around [TS]

  knocking on doors saying can I use your [TS]

  bathroom [TS]

  things have might have changed can I [TS]

  give you a real time science fact yes [TS]

  16 percent of the states in the US have [TS]

  an orange county how many eight eight [TS]

  states Orange County California Orange [TS]

  County Florida Indiana New York North [TS]

  Carolina Texas Vermont and Virginia I'll [TS]

  have an Orange County [TS]

  well so if you're south of the [TS]

  mason-dixon line and you have an Orange [TS]

  County I'm gonna assume at least if [TS]

  you're I mean I don't think you can do [TS]

  this if you're in North Carolina but if [TS]

  you're in Florida or California you [TS]

  probably grow oranges there right tada [TS]

  Orange County I accept it right and then [TS]

  I think on the East Coast I'm gonna say [TS]

  that the Orange County's there are a [TS]

  reference to Dutch settlers oh that's [TS]

  good right that's good right like that [TS]

  somebody from the Dutch lands hmm the [TS]

  nadir lands which are the which are low [TS]

  Danita lenders right they are the [TS]

  lowlands they are you know orange is the [TS]

  color of the color and what's more it's [TS]

  true and they came over and they call it [TS]

  orange but Indiana what the fuck you [TS]

  have in Orange County for there they're [TS]

  so into Indians they're New Jersey [TS]

  they've got a lot of Native American [TS]

  names they do and they also had a lot of [TS]

  early Dutch settlers the lowlanders the [TS]

  labor lenders I'm gonna give it to them [TS]

  and I know right now there's someone [TS]

  listening this program including again [TS]

  who's saying you know what we're not all [TS]

  Dutch mm-hmm you know what sensitive [TS]

  about top background you know it's not [TS]

  great this gold finger and turning the [TS]

  James Bond I expected to die [TS]

  yes this episode of Rodrick online is [TS]

  brought to you by Casper you can learn [TS]

  more about Casper right now by visiting [TS]

  Casper comm slash supertrain you guys [TS]

  know Casper Casper is a company that is [TS]

  focused on sleep and only sleep they [TS]

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  it is an obsessively engineered mattress [TS]

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  francisco research and development team [TS]

  have developed a proprietary foam that [TS]

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  the cost you're not gonna be dealing [TS]

  with showrooms and they're passing those [TS]

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  Casper mattress uh as you heard in this [TS]

  episode I had some sleep trouble last [TS]

  night it was disrupted the shower didn't [TS]

  help that much but I'll tell you buddy [TS]

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  beautiful king-size Casper have that [TS]

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  the proprietary foam and relieve [TS]

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  it's a dynamite piece of engineering my [TS]

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  sleeps on one our cat sleeps on a filthy [TS]

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  mattress buddy wolf buying Casper [TS]

  mattress it is so easy and is so [TS]

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  now as you listen to this you can get [TS]

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  purchase by visiting Casper comm slash [TS]

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  off terms and conditions apply [TS]

  our thanks to Casper first morning [TS]

  Roderick on the line and all the great [TS]

  shows I'm on the internet science page [TS]

  god I love this list of the most common [TS]

  us place names Oh [TS]

  Springfield is number two with shirt one [TS]

  instances number one Washington with 88 [TS]

  instances in the US [TS]

  Franklin Greenville Bristol Clinton this [TS]

  all sounds like the names of Sarah [TS]

  Palin's children Fairview Salem Madison [TS]

  Georgetown Arlington Ashland Dover otter [TS]

  Jackson Burlington Manchester Oh [TS]

  Manchester [TS]

  why would you name after the after the [TS]

  bad reputation that Salem got early on [TS]

  yeah why would you name your town Salem [TS]

  eighth most popular place name that just [TS]

  seems banana Salem Salem Salem it has [TS]

  bad mouthfeel yeah you cannot think [TS]

  about anything when you hear Salem [TS]

  except for well it's capital of Oregon [TS]

  mm-hmm come on actually the capital of [TS]

  Oregon is Springfield Springfield it's [TS]

  Washington because that's the one [TS]

  Springfield Oregon is the one right it's [TS]

  the ER Springfield OR Springfield [TS]

  it's the that make cartoon boy want a [TS]

  name at that I'm learning so much today [TS]

  so the guys are still touring I don't if [TS]

  you can hear that they're out there [TS]

  they're getting pretty busy I think they [TS]

  I think they had a little break they [TS]

  they talk they work some things out and [TS]

  they've come back to the tour announced [TS]

  they spilled a you know what you know [TS]

  tourists just dinosaurs taught it's just [TS]

  liquid dinosaurs [TS]

  yeah it's liquid dinosaurs like so many [TS]

  of the other things that we use in look [TS]

  at dinosaurs just add labour turns out [TS]

  to be liquid diners it turns out [TS]

  dinosaurs that lived at the same time as [TS]

  humans humans rode them people are [TS]

  constantly trying to cover that up yeah [TS]

  I mean how would we and the only way we [TS]

  could no have you thought about this [TS]

  professor science briefcase yeah how [TS]

  would you even know how would you even [TS]

  know about dinosaurs if people weren't [TS]

  alive then probably unless you're taking [TS]

  selfies and stuff exactly true selfies [TS]

  but drawing a picture themselves with a [TS]

  dinosaur on a stone in a way that was [TS]

  probably very perilous because you [TS]

  shouldn't do that you should get away [TS]

  from the dinosaur but maybe as a [TS]

  historian as a budding paleo historian [TS]

  you felt that you have to capture that [TS]

  absolutely clams got legs right he's got [TS]

  a snack a nap sterics is his win was per [TS]

  with hairy feathers Jesse James all [TS]

  right at one point do you know what [TS]

  station he was on was this backhoes [TS]

  discover it was back when there were [TS]

  only five stations I see it was Barry I [TS]

  used to love any i used to love bravo [TS]

  and now because people selling houses [TS]

  amy was about arts and education it was [TS]

  not about the the top rock star wives of [TS]

  Beverly Hills were you mm-hmm you would [TS]

  watch the guy asking everybody questions [TS]

  James Lipton Danny [TS]

  there were a lot there used to be a lot [TS]

  of stations that had a had a premise and [TS]

  you know what Merlin they had principles [TS]

  and principles you discover National [TS]

  Geographic which is you know you know [TS]

  like covered things on discovery you say [TS]

  Bravo because you're watching the [TS]

  performance that you're watching you [TS]

  because you're watching two ladies in [TS]

  Tanz with high heels hit each other [TS]

  champagne glasses actually say Bravo [TS]

  after watching a Sean Bravo very very [TS]

  rare well now I said now I hardly do it [TS]

  at all so how are Jesse James he's he's [TS]

  making hogs for people and and every guy [TS]

  and you know who can who can pay this [TS]

  asshole to make a hog form [TS]

  rich guys but you know they're masking [TS]

  the Rick's rich guys they're making them [TS]

  look like cool rich guys anyway then in [TS]

  the door walks Shaquille O'Neal and you [TS]

  go what Shaquille O'Neal like I leaned [TS]

  forward in my chair [TS]

  here comes Shaquille O'Neal into Jesse [TS]

  James's motorcycle shop and Shaquille [TS]

  says I want a motorcycle but here's the [TS]

  problem I'm Shaquille O'Neal I am [TS]

  exponentially bigger than everyone else [TS]

  he's one point two five people at least [TS]

  he is 1 3 ok let's find out how tall are [TS]

  you his but he's it's not just tall [TS]

  right my hands big man speed or big his [TS]

  legs are big his name is hard to spell [TS]

  apparently he's got knees 77 foot 1:7 [TS]

  for 155 years old but he's perfectly [TS]

  proportionate his giant person hmm he [TS]

  comes in he says I want a motorcycle but [TS]

  all these heart of these Harley's that [TS]

  and he sits on a regular Harley and it's [TS]

  like it's hilarious because these [TS]

  Harley's are big bikes they're hard to [TS]

  control if I was on a Harley and it laid [TS]

  down it would be like ow right and like [TS]

  it's up these are large animals and he [TS]

  sits on this heart and he's like you see [TS]

  my problem right and it's like he's [TS]

  sitting in a it's like he's sitting in [TS]

  coach like the picture of Andre the [TS]

  Giant holding a beer can and the entire [TS]

  beer can is like it looks it is his palm [TS]

  is larger than a beer can do you [TS]

  remember the it's very famous photograph [TS]

  from the 70s of the two the two fairly [TS]

  obese but twin brothers that are writing [TS]

  mini bikes you know I do [TS]

  of course Billy and Bobby and they were [TS]

  pro wrestlers for a while very [TS]

  unflattering photo but it was in every [TS]

  edition I ever owned it was hilarious [TS]

  and I'll be Joe something like that was [TS]

  at petticoat junction I forget what [TS]

  they're called but they're petticoat [TS]

  junction names Billy Joe and Bobby Joe [TS]

  mm-hmm [TS]

  it was I think the most ubiquitous [TS]

  poster from the 70s that wasn't that [TS]

  didn't include Farrah Fawcett was that [TS]

  picture of a wet cat hanging from what [TS]

  came from Michelle's curtain rod [TS]

  yep yeah baby baby with the boys [TS]

  spaghetti on his head crying oh that's [TS]

  like fat-cat capsizing [TS]

  anyway anyway and that's that's a [TS]

  triptych [TS]

  all right so Shaq Shaq needs a hog Shaq [TS]

  comes in and Jesse James asshole of the [TS]

  universe who cheated on Sandra Bullock [TS]

  America's Sweetheart cheated on her with [TS]

  I think Theresa Von Teese or somebody [TS]

  you know like there was less lady that [TS]

  was vertical she was with Nine Inch [TS]

  Nails no she was with she was with [TS]

  Marilyn Manson [TS]

  she had nine-inch heels mm I think I [TS]

  think she burn less her way into the [TS]

  marriage between asshole EO and [TS]

  America's Sweetheart EO uh-huh [TS]

  but so Shaq doesn't know any of this I'm [TS]

  guessing right Shaq's just like having [TS]

  his time he's like I want a motorcycle [TS]

  where do I get one I go to this guy on [TS]

  TV he's making motorcycles and he says [TS]

  you gotta make me this motorcycle so [TS]

  they had to build a motorcycle that was [TS]

  portion it to Shaquille and did it they [TS]

  accomplished it and I'm not saying that [TS]

  he's a bad welder right I think Jesse [TS]

  James probably good weld he's a good [TS]

  fabricator he had some good fabricators [TS]

  on his team they fabricated this [TS]

  motorcycle and Shaq gets on it it looks [TS]

  right it's the right size for him it's [TS]

  it's like it's exactly how it should [TS]

  look how a motorcycle should look on a [TS]

  man and he rides off down into the night [TS]

  and and the final shot of the show is he [TS]

  pulls into a gas station to put gas in [TS]

  his giant motorcycle huh and it's like [TS]

  it hits it's like a trick of perspective [TS]

  it's like being in one it's like being [TS]

  in a funhouse where you're like why was [TS]

  it like a Peter Jackson filling station [TS]

  yeah here's this thing that just seems [TS]

  like if you if you saw him at a distance [TS]

  you'd be like god it's a guy on a [TS]

  motorcycle sick if it's bigger you're [TS]

  like what's happening why of course [TS]

  force perspective yeah why are my hands [TS]

  so big and and it was like the most [TS]

  amazing it was just tremendous and the [TS]

  thing was I always wanted things in the [TS]

  world to be built to the scale that I [TS]

  was [TS]

  mmm-hmm and this started even when I was [TS]

  little I was I was like 11 or 12 years [TS]

  old [TS]

  other kids around me were starting to be [TS]

  interested in one another sexually they [TS]

  started to like you know like my friend [TS]

  Kevin he and he and his little [TS]

  girlfriend would stuff leaves down the [TS]

  front of their sweater ooh [TS]

  each other's sweaters this is an autumn [TS]

  and then they would you know have to [TS]

  help one another yet it's something that [TS]

  is so playful right isn't that sweet oh [TS]

  that's a play fair like touching each [TS]

  other yes they have to think I get the [TS]

  leaves out and here's what I was [TS]

  thinking of I was not thinking of that I [TS]

  was thinking why can't I have a 1968 [TS]

  rolls-royce Silver Shadow that is scaled [TS]

  small to me not a pedal car this is not [TS]

  some Bugsy Malone car really good song [TS]

  that's a very good song it's almost say [TS]

  about God [TS]

  every song in that record is incredible [TS]

  that baby with the pie fight is so weird [TS]

  it's so weird you broke my heart it [TS]

  scared me like it's clear that those [TS]

  people are dying they're being shot and [TS]

  bite cream whipped cream pies but they [TS]

  don't die mm-hmm they just start dying [TS]

  but I but I knew they were dying oh that [TS]

  movie I really that deeply deeply [TS]

  affected me to this day have an impact [TS]

  on your Jodie Foster feelings look yes [TS]

  oh my god yes when that movie was in the [TS]

  theaters that summer which would have [TS]

  been what summer of 76 Summer of 70 so [TS]

  maybe a little later cuz chachi was in [TS]

  it so 78 probably I'll find out whatever [TS]

  summer that was it it became a thing [TS]

  that my mom could take me to the theater [TS]

  and drop me off 7676 because I would [TS]

  just go watch Bugsy Malone and I it was [TS]

  the first movie I think that I saw [TS]

  multiple times in the theater back when [TS]

  you could send a kid to the movies for [TS]

  for two bits mm-hm [TS]

  these are not police that very well you [TS]

  could think one thing they do this [TS]

  sounds crazy today this would drive John [TS]

  Stark you so crazy if you got there [TS]

  early you could go in and watch the end [TS]

  of the movie you're about to see and [TS]

  then just stay there and watch it all [TS]

  the way through again my good role many [TS]

  times as a kid watch the watch the end [TS]

  of the movie and then watch it and then [TS]

  stay and watch it again didn't they [TS]

  didn't really police that no I mean you [TS]

  couldn't do it if it was Star Wars right [TS]

  because there was a line around 14 [TS]

  blocks right right but Bugsy Malone [TS]

  matinee this is before the age of the [TS]

  blockbuster we're still we're still not [TS]

  on jaws yes 76 1976 I mean this is this [TS]

  is back when people actually said two [TS]

  bits still and other people knew what [TS]

  they were talking about but I would sit [TS]

  and daydream because I had a why had a [TS]

  mile and a half walk to school in [TS]

  seventh grade [TS]

  rain or shine and it was Alaska it was [TS]

  cold as cold as well as we used to say [TS]

  as a witch's tit hmm and I would and I'm [TS]

  sure other kids were walking home from [TS]

  school and they were thinking about like [TS]

  Oh what's my next stratagem forgetting [TS]

  to touch a boob and I was thinking how [TS]

  do I get a scale battery-powered [TS]

  rolls-royce Silver Shadow and why do I [TS]

  not have one already and I was imagining [TS]

  seventh grade now this is when people [TS]

  start to get sophisticated this is when [TS]

  this is when they start to hormones [TS]

  start to rush in and I'm picturing I'm [TS]

  imagining a scene where I would arrive [TS]

  at school in a battery-powered scale [TS]

  Rolls Royce and park it and be admired I [TS]

  was imagining that I would be admired [TS]

  rather than reviled that is how that is [TS]

  how slowly my brain developed but you [TS]

  you seized upon that idea and another [TS]

  thing I here's two things I knew about [TS]

  the rolls-royce Silver Shadow I don't [TS]

  know if either of these are true but but [TS]

  I heard that was the nicest car you [TS]

  could get in the conventional wisdom a [TS]

  Rolls Royce everybody knew was the [TS]

  nicest car you could get in there I [TS]

  remember hearing that the silver shot I [TS]

  don't know if this is true a silver [TS]

  shadow in the 70s cost a hundred [TS]

  thousand dollars maybe I don't even care [TS]

  if it's true but that going in didn't [TS]

  you have that same impression like this [TS]

  is the ultimate luxury rod what [TS]

  with the cost it's the nicest car it's [TS]

  the car that you would get if you well [TS]

  it's car you would get if you were John [TS]

  Lennon and you painted it with a bunch [TS]

  of psychedelia got a record player in it [TS]

  sure sure I mean that's the Grey Poupon [TS]

  card that's the one that's the canonical [TS]

  nice car sure it's the guy the guy in [TS]

  candleshoe [TS]

  the only mistake of course with Bugsy [TS]

  Malone is that they didn't none of those [TS]

  kids could sing they could barely talk I [TS]

  mean that movie they are chachi is so [TS]

  fucking stilted in that film like [TS]

  they're the wonder of it though it's [TS]

  like there's so much they put into the [TS]

  production design of that movie and the [TS]

  costumes and the wonderful Paul Williams [TS]

  and his great music and and then but the [TS]

  kids are their little kids it's like [TS]

  community theater it's obviously though [TS]

  Jodie Foster's in a different movie [TS]

  like she's so good she's so good and the [TS]

  kid that plays the the main heavy mm-hmm [TS]

  I was good he was just some kid that [TS]

  auditioned to be in the in the chorus [TS]

  mm-hmm because that film was made in [TS]

  England because that was back when when [TS]

  I was cheaper to make films in England [TS]

  because England was a depressed economy [TS]

  England was a poor country all right so [TS]

  it's time yeah Sex Pistols time this is [TS]

  when they were this is when the punk [TS]

  rockers were all mad about how you [TS]

  couldn't get a job they wouldn't collect [TS]

  the garbage the garbage just pile up [TS]

  yeah that's right that's right you know [TS]

  that was they if it wasn't for the nips [TS]

  being so good it made building ships [TS]

  yeah Frank had wings [TS]

  yeah yeah so so they they audition this [TS]

  kid he came in he was just like are you [TS]

  know you really I know this I know this [TS]

  do you have the buzzing coffee table [TS]

  book I know what it was it was actually [TS]

  a coffee mug that had little factoids of [TS]

  Bugsy Malone on it so the kid did this [TS]

  audition and they were like you're [TS]

  amazing we're gonna give you this big [TS]

  part we're gonna make you we're gonna [TS]

  give you a speaking role but the problem [TS]

  with the film is that they didn't have [TS]

  time to get the kids to sing the songs [TS]

  and so every time a kid opens his mouth [TS]

  to sing its [TS]

  actually Paul Williams's voice coming [TS]

  out of a little african-american boy for [TS]

  example yes Paul cos Paul Williams did [TS]

  the demos set him off and the filmmakers [TS]

  you know he was like here's the songs [TS]

  yeah and the filmmakers were like well [TS]

  that's good enough and they just used [TS]

  his him singing his songs over himself [TS]

  and that is the thing that makes that [TS]

  movie like not a classic right it would [TS]

  be it would be in the pantheon yeah I [TS]

  mean it definitely I watched it [TS]

  where was you know it was that song what [TS]

  is the name of that wonderful song at [TS]

  the end of the movie I'm spacing on oh [TS]

  yeah okay [TS]

  it's a nice song I'll cut all this out [TS]

  Bugsy Malone it's a week but Wiser's [TS]

  King the king is second to none tintin [TS]

  tintin that was only just begun that's [TS]

  not you give a little love get a little [TS]

  love yeah yeah what was my point I had a [TS]

  migraine last night well no that was the [TS]

  point right give a little love yes the [TS]

  point in the end you're in the end the [TS]

  Paul Williams you give is equal to the [TS]

  love death of the bugs that you make [TS]

  right so Jesse James is no scale [TS]

  rolls-royce but it would now be 1.1 got [TS]

  it got it got it got it but would be [TS]

  electric power you pull right up you'd [TS]

  have your own spot cuz your student of [TS]

  the month and then all the ladies and [TS]

  the dudes let's be honest but I'll go [TS]

  loose [TS]

  yes shadow yeah they would not say they [TS]

  would not at all say oh my god it's he's [TS]

  finally lost what the fuck on this this [TS]

  is before kids even sweared [TS]

  openly now they would just be like I [TS]

  cannot believe what I'm seeing like it [TS]

  would be the ultimate I mean I was [TS]

  already as uncool as you could be but [TS]

  this would be a new I might as well [TS]

  well I I would I would step out and put [TS]

  on my top hat and walk the biology like [TS]

  mr. monopoly at your service what world [TS]

  did I think I was living I did the same [TS]

  thing I had these visions I'm always [TS]

  thinking that was a Willa Cather story [TS]

  Paul's case about the little boy who [TS]

  wants to be luxurious [TS]

  he runs away from home and he does [TS]

  something fraudulent to get money and he [TS]

  goes to this hotel and fancy restaurants [TS]

  and like that was me I wanted that so [TS]

  much I want to be fancy I wanted to be [TS]

  fancy I really wanted I would but my mom [TS]

  would pick me up after work sometimes go [TS]

  out got to Skyline Chili and I'd wear a [TS]

  three-piece suit three-piece polyester [TS]

  suit to go have chili not to get cinema [TS]

  on my necktie I you know I did the same [TS]

  thing I did I loved it I love to I love [TS]

  being fancy somebody yelled at me the [TS]

  other day they were like you like being [TS]

  fancy and I said does it might be fancy [TS]

  you see that like it's a bad thing yeah [TS]

  and the answer was that you know that [TS]

  that yeah you don't want to be fancy [TS]

  because that's some kind of you know [TS]

  that you think you're better than other [TS]

  people yeah your fancy instead of being [TS]

  like real and I was like look I am [TS]

  fucking real you wanted to but I think [TS]

  tomorrow a word from our friends across [TS]

  the pond you want to be posh well you [TS]

  know I want to be able to pick up the [TS]

  phone and say front desk I'm allergic to [TS]

  these pillows and have the front desk [TS]

  say we'll be right up and then they show [TS]

  up and they have a whole arm load of [TS]

  pillows that you're not allergic to [TS]

  I got a pillow valid yeah I don't want [TS]

  they're gonna walk you through the [TS]

  process of figuring out the one it's [TS]

  gonna be right for your allergy well [TS]

  they're gonna say like you know go [TS]

  entertain yourself in the other room of [TS]

  your hotel room while I change out all [TS]

  your bedding and you'll never know they [TS]

  were here you'll never know these [TS]

  allergic pillows we're even here and [TS]

  they just they just leave it's like the [TS]

  room service guy that wants to take the [TS]

  lid off all your food and talk about it [TS]

  no they do not [TS]

  they're not even soliciting a tip [TS]

  they're just like I am a ghost I am a [TS]

  ghost that is taking problems away [TS]

  because that is not water I would love a [TS]

  problem ghosts so much right and the [TS]

  thing is there are plenty of hotels you [TS]

  could stay in an America that don't even [TS]

  have a phone you have to walk down and [TS]

  rap on the ice machine because that's [TS]

  where the deaths is which is by the way [TS]

  one floor down because they don't have [TS]

  one every floor anymore and the guy says [TS]

  oh we have a set of those but they're in [TS]

  use or something you know like you [TS]

  where you're walking down the hall of [TS]

  the hotel and and there is a you know [TS]

  there's a pattern in the carpet from all [TS]

  the people that have walked before the [TS]

  so many of them are dead now well and a [TS]

  lot of them were dripping blood desire [TS]

  path come on you walk over to the Andy [TS]

  Griffith phone you crank it a few times [TS]

  you say give me Raleigh on the phone and [TS]

  then Raleigh picks up down at the front [TS]

  desk [TS]

  maybe maybe or maybe you go straight to [TS]

  voicemail well also I'd like to if I [TS]

  pick up the phone and say hello front [TS]

  desk I'd like them to already know my [TS]

  room number because it comes up on their [TS]

  system I ordinarily find it super creepy [TS]

  but you know in other situations I would [TS]

  find this creepy Bell tell you what I [TS]

  like I call an in-room dining I'll call [TS]

  from dining and they say they say hello [TS]

  a mister man are you I want to give it [TS]

  away are you in 306 right on and you [TS]

  know you asked for a pitcher of water [TS]

  and they know they know you want a [TS]

  pitcher of water you don't want three [TS]

  glasses of water with plastic wrap on [TS]

  them you know what more ice I don't want [TS]

  to get ice bring me ice I love a place [TS]

  where if they don't have an ice machine [TS]

  they are Johnny there Jonathan on the [TS]

  spot about ringing you respond with him [TS]

  Jonathan Bonnie there carry that own it [TS]

  we're gonna wear like a bat I slept I [TS]

  slept on the floor in plenty of hotel [TS]

  rooms you've been on Twitter Kings where [TS]

  there was no forensic tape wraps around [TS]

  the things leg of the bed yes you should [TS]

  still there yeah I'm here you I'm there [TS]

  were you here I got a text John hey [TS]

  everybody I'm gonna know you're back hey [TS]

  buddy how's it goin good where'd you go [TS]

  are you where'd you go well I was here [TS]

  um so you called down to Jonathan [TS]

  panteth in you called down to the guy at [TS]

  the front desk yeah they'd be fancy kind [TS]

  of up to a point I don't you know I it's [TS]

  not about being fancy mmm-hmm you know [TS]

  what I mean like I have I've definitely [TS]

  seen the [TS]

  I've seen the splatter on the wall I [TS]

  have definitely looked out the room of [TS]

  my hotel RIT looked out the window into [TS]

  the parking lot and said well I'm not [TS]

  going out in the parking lot tonight [TS]

  it's not based on what I'm seeing out [TS]

  this window and now I can call down and [TS]

  say I would like two orders of your I [TS]

  would like to large pots of coffee and [TS]

  they don't they don't how many people [TS]

  doesn't matter I mean it kind of does [TS]

  cuz it's number of settings but I think [TS]

  it's the Chinese food problem where [TS]

  they're mainly shaming you like there's [TS]

  only six people would want this much [TS]

  food ass right well and they're saying [TS]

  like what if we bring you one pot of [TS]

  coffee and then if you want more we can [TS]

  bring some man you know what I don't [TS]

  need as a coffee coach I do not it's if [TS]

  it's fucking 6:30 a.m. and I've got a [TS]

  flight in an hour and a half the last [TS]

  thing I need is you being my [TS]

  interlocutor between me and the coffee I [TS]

  didn't need that I sat in an Audi the [TS]

  other day I was I was driving this Audi [TS]

  it was like here you drive and I'm now [TS]

  I'm driving the Audi and I stopped and [TS]

  there was some kind of situation I was [TS]

  at a beach club cuz I'm fancy I was at a [TS]

  meet I was visiting some friends at a [TS]

  beach club and this is a Washington [TS]

  Beach Club right so the water is cold [TS]

  murky and apologetic apologetic is also [TS]

  as like stuff floating in it like [TS]

  there's nothing it the water in Seattle [TS]

  is an antagonist right it's very [TS]

  beautiful you can ride on it happily but [TS]

  to go in it you have to be you have to [TS]

  have prod you know it has to be a thing [TS]

  where you're like I'm stealing myself [TS]

  this is I live here and I'm gonna do [TS]

  this you can't defeat me water it says [TS]

  it's not welcoming as a body so no no [TS]

  unless you're a child and children have [TS]

  apparently no nerve endings or no [TS]

  feelings of any kind although they will [TS]

  cry if they are brushed to vigorously [TS]

  they'll cry like they're being soldered [TS]

  but but they can also jump into a [TS]

  freezing cold lake and apparently it has [TS]

  no effect on them no effect on their [TS]

  little bodies but so I'm sitting in this [TS]

  outie and here's what I want are you [TS]

  ready I want [TS]

  ready I want [TS]

  to sit in the driver's side in the [TS]

  driver's seat but with my feet out the [TS]

  door [TS]

  I want the door to be open and I want [TS]

  the engine to be running now I don't [TS]

  have any reason for this I just want to [TS]

  start the car leave the door open [TS]

  because I'm still talking to somebody [TS]

  and I've slid my bottom onto the drivers [TS]

  oh I see you're in you're in kind of a [TS]

  resting state you're in a conversational [TS]

  state yeah [TS]

  I'm in the middle of the engine is long [TS]

  not out of the car and nor are you [TS]

  driving right and the thing is I started [TS]

  the engine because I thought okay we're [TS]

  leaving and then someone in our party [TS]

  said oh wait I forgot my X at the you [TS]

  know at the back of the beach club I [TS]

  heard it on the X and I forgot it now I [TS]

  have to go down there and get it but [TS]

  I've got the motor running so I have a [TS]

  choice I can turn the motor off [TS]

  I can turn your mother down you can [TS]

  bright and rock what I choose in this [TS]

  moment is Leifer leave the motor running [TS]

  open the door flip my legs out so I can [TS]

  continue the conversation with somebody [TS]

  that's outside the car and here's what [TS]

  the car does relentless and I don't know [TS]

  what my problem I don't know what I'm [TS]

  doing wrong am i sitting in the chair [TS]

  without my seatbelt on is the motor [TS]

  running with the door open [TS]

  is it that I have previously had a [TS]

  problem with people driving away in an [TS]

  Audi with the door open and with their [TS]

  feet on the ground [TS]

  that's feet on the ground and as a [TS]

  precaution they just want to add a boop [TS]

  boop boop so it's but it's not even a [TS]

  boop boop boop it's like why why why [TS]

  it's like all hands [TS]

  it's like dive-bomber dive-bomber and [TS]

  I'm and I'm looking at the car it's [TS]

  interrupting my conversation I look at [TS]

  the car the dashboard of car and I'm [TS]

  like what the fuck is your problem like [TS]

  leave me alone I know what I'm doing and [TS]

  the car is just like womp womp womp and [TS]

  I'm like fucking nanny-state let me make [TS]

  my own decisions let me make this choice [TS]

  for myself right like it's one thing to [TS]

  tell me fasten your seat belt sir or we [TS]

  recommend you fasten your seatbelt or [TS]

  I'm gonna say a garage like the [TS]

  innovation where garage door has got the [TS]

  little beam of light that if this light [TS]

  has broken stop the door coming down [TS]

  I personally don't consider that nanny [TS]

  state most of the time there's [TS]

  frustration I'm gonna get out of that is [TS]

  you got to redo it but they might save [TS]

  your save your Pekinese is life but some [TS]

  of this stuff it's just it does not seem [TS]

  thought-out it seems like it's mostly to [TS]

  what avoid litigation don't know no but [TS]

  I mean now here and now he is a nice car [TS]

  oh sure it's not advice but like you do [TS]

  not want a map map map from a German car [TS]

  well and and an wot wot where there's no [TS]

  indication what the cars problem is it's [TS]

  like and I'm literally now talking to [TS]

  the car like what is your fucking [TS]

  problem with me like ah look man I'm I'm [TS]

  a grown-ass man I know what I need to [TS]

  put my foot out the door Miss Daisy yeah [TS]

  so here I am right I'm like I'm wearing [TS]

  wet swim trunks reason with it you're [TS]

  reasoning with the car I'm talking to [TS]

  somebody that is also a member of a [TS]

  beach club right and that's fancier than [TS]

  me I'm not actually a member of this [TS]

  Beach Club I just want to look cool [TS]

  right I want to sit there with foot out [TS]

  the door [TS]

  toxeus it gets a good look the you know [TS]

  how much gas my burning it's gonna it's [TS]

  gonna burn more gas to turn the car off [TS]

  and then back on than it is to just sit [TS]

  here and let it idle it's just a little [TS]

  it's just a little a thimble dropper you [TS]

  know it's just a little eyedropper of [TS]

  gas going into the fuel injection but [TS]

  mmm mmm and I look like a fucking dork [TS]

  because there's a klaxon in my car [TS]

  telling me I'm doing something wrong [TS]

  turn it off you look weak cuz on the one [TS]

  hand it's warning you about something [TS]

  you don't need to know about the agency [TS]

  to stop it that's right I'm a freakin [TS]

  cock so here are my choices right so I [TS]

  can't like close around roll the window [TS]

  down [TS]

  that's something that a mom at a beach [TS]

  club does but I'm a dad I won't feed out [TS]

  or maybe the problem is that I don't [TS]

  have my seatbelt on so then put the seat [TS]

  belt on halfway across it [TS]

  I bet if you turn the engine off it [TS]

  might well would it still make I bet it [TS]

  would still make the door beep beep beep [TS]

  well so this is what I did this is what [TS]

  I ultimately chose did you satisfice I [TS]

  shut that engine down I shut everything [TS]

  down took the key out like shut it all [TS]

  down buck being shut it down it was like [TS]

  a it was like Three Mile Island I'm [TS]

  standing in the middle like shut it down [TS]

  lockdown mode and finally everything [TS]

  went off enough that I could have this [TS]

  conversation and you know and I felt [TS]

  like okay you know what car fuck you [TS]

  then how do you like going back to sleep [TS]

  but I didn't win I didn't win because [TS]

  some what I wanted to do might you know [TS]

  what I wanted to do was go to Germany [TS]

  walk through very very very clean [TS]

  hallways with someone in a white lab [TS]

  coat who would use a key card to fob me [TS]

  in to some inner lab and fob me past [TS]

  that into a further lab where a guy [TS]

  sitting on a stool a very very clean [TS]

  metal stool at a very clean metal high [TS]

  desk also wearing a lab coat and some [TS]

  glasses would turn around be introduced [TS]

  to me and then I would slap him with a [TS]

  white kid leather glove holding you sir [TS]

  I challenge you to offend through a [TS]

  saber duel right now unless you [TS]

  eliminate this feature or put a button [TS]

  on the dash that turns all this shit off [TS]

  mm-hmm and do not disturb on your phone [TS]

  like where you could just say like I [TS]

  don't want hear about anything yeah [TS]

  something like something where you could [TS]

  sign a piece of paper because you think [TS]

  you know what it's like the Tesla's [TS]

  maybe they have a bareback boat bareback [TS]

  mode that they could enable on a bespoke [TS]

  basis you take it in you say are you [TS]

  aware you did Papa but the ball you [TS]

  agree to the terms the terms and [TS]

  conditions and we will enable bareback [TS]

  mode yeah we'll take all this away yeah [TS]

  I you know I had an old Audi a long time [TS]

  ago that had a that had an early [TS]

  iteration of this beep beep beep it [TS]

  wasn't why why but it was like but loud [TS]

  mm-hmm and that Audi had some problem it [TS]

  was a 1989 outie 5000 s Quattro [TS]

  it had a problem because it was old and [TS]

  it had been ridden hard and it had been [TS]

  put away wet repeatedly yeah and what [TS]

  how it manifests that was that this [TS]

  thing the sound periodically as I was [TS]

  driving would just go like five times [TS]

  really loud and sometimes the car would [TS]

  go through phases where it did it every [TS]

  20 minutes and sometimes you wouldn't [TS]

  hear this sound for weeks and then it [TS]

  would I've had cars as problems like [TS]

  that and you take it to the guy and the [TS]

  guy says it's electric mm-hmm right it's [TS]

  probably electric that's exactly what I [TS]

  got I was like tell me where the tell me [TS]

  where these wires are and I will clip [TS]

  them and like it is code for $600 right [TS]

  if the if these wires are and the thing [TS]

  was I would when it was doing it I would [TS]

  lean down into the dashboard and try to [TS]

  identify from whence it came [TS]

  because I was prepared I was prepared to [TS]

  do that thing one time in high school a [TS]

  friend of mine had like a 72 Camaro RS [TS]

  that he had really customized in that [TS]

  baby blue flake paint it had supercool [TS]

  Cragar rims it was really dope and we [TS]

  went out to the high school parking lot [TS]

  at lunchtime one time and someone had [TS]

  smashed the window of his car and stole [TS]

  is whatever Nakamichi tape deck or [TS]

  whatever it was and it was kind of an [TS]

  intrusion we all felt it was an it was [TS]

  an additional crime over the break-in [TS]

  because it happened in our high school [TS]

  parking lot like you know wow that's so [TS]

  close to home we've only been in class a [TS]

  couple of hours were powerless we're [TS]

  stuck in class and you're taking [TS]

  advantage of us so this guy broke into [TS]

  my friend's Camaro our ass and he was [TS]

  like he said it's not a big deal I got [TS]

  insurance and then went around into his [TS]

  trunk and he pulled out like the big [TS]

  socket wrench thing you know the socket [TS]

  wrench comes in three three big sizes [TS]

  wasn't this ones the big ones like a [TS]

  hexagon almost like an inch across this [TS]

  is a thing that you're gonna you would [TS]

  this is a come-along you know you would [TS]

  hurt somebody if you whacked him with it [TS]

  and he and I think he even might have [TS]

  had an extender pole for really bustin [TS]

  loose some rusty nuts if you know Dustin [TS]

  and he put it on and he reached in and [TS]

  he just wham and he he he totally bashed [TS]

  in his taco meter just like bashed it [TS]

  and I was like fuck are you doing that's [TS]

  the RPM meter that's right okay and he [TS]

  said it was busted so Wow since it since [TS]

  the insurance company's gonna pay for my [TS]

  windshield and my tape deck and all this [TS]

  stuff that might as well get a new tack [TS]

  out of it [TS]

  this I was before they had water sensors [TS]

  and iPhones long time before right so I [TS]

  mean there's no way to know if you're [TS]

  Dan why why your tech decameter [TS]

  was smashed with a hex like pattern [TS]

  exactly like the insurance adjuster if [TS]

  he's clever is gonna say I get it broke [TS]

  the window took the tape deck but why [TS]

  would the guy spend an extra minute to [TS]

  bust since that makes sense just just [TS]

  just one question all right let me ask [TS]

  you [TS]

  yeah one clarification so but that was [TS]

  the first instance that I'd ever seen of [TS]

  like huh she seems to be gaming the [TS]

  system scar hacking but when I would [TS]

  drive this Audi it was really irritating [TS]

  to me but at the time I had a lady [TS]

  friend who was who was you know a [TS]

  diminutive a woman she was uh what you [TS]

  would do how would you describe her a [TS]

  picture she was a little bit of a pixie [TS]

  yes yeah there's short hair short red [TS]

  hair and she might even you might even [TS]

  describe her as a Manic Pixie dream girl [TS]

  although she and I were the same age so [TS]

  it wasn't something where I was like an [TS]

  old man that was oh she wasn't helping [TS]

  get your groove back [TS]

  no she wasn't trying to save my life or [TS]

  validate my aging she was just a friend [TS]

  who was the same age as me who happened [TS]

  she happened to fit all the business a [TS]

  lot of people think there's only [TS]

  domesticated Pixies there are also wild [TS]

  Pixies [TS]

  so this she is definitely a wild pixie [TS]

  and one of the things about her is that [TS]

  she is very tightly wound wound like a [TS]

  Swiss watch like her tolerance of [TS]

  are but within a pretty narrow range in [TS]

  terms of how like hot and cold and also [TS]

  surprising beeping sound interesting [TS]

  like much like herself like a [TS]

  high-performance European vehicle yes [TS]

  she she's very high-performance she uses [TS]

  only the highest octane gas and when we [TS]

  would drive in a car the beeping would [TS]

  happen and she would leap like a cat [TS]

  that had that you had hit with like you [TS]

  if you stood behind a sleeping cat and [TS]

  hit some orchestral symbols like [TS]

  information this is the one who didn't [TS]

  like her feet touched no totally [TS]

  different seating you right there are a [TS]

  lot of high sixes in my life it is it is [TS]

  a thing I do not understand right like [TS]

  that indicate where a fire hydrant is a [TS]

  fire plug as you say you don't notice [TS]

  that until you start noticing it and [TS]

  then brother you really notice it right [TS]

  once you know about wild Pixies you will [TS]

  start seeing them everywhere if you buy [TS]

  a first generation Volkswagen Scirocco [TS]

  mm-hmm you're gonna suddenly see [TS]

  siroccos everywhere now in this instance [TS]

  that is wrong because you will not see [TS]

  sure ACOs everywhere because they don't [TS]

  exist anymore [TS]

  it's called the Scirocco effect right [TS]

  there was a Scirocco [TS]

  siroccos all the time you saw first inch [TS]

  Rocko's second gen shaco's third gen [TS]

  shaco's I challenge you to go out of the [TS]

  door today and keep your eyes peeled [TS]

  tell me if you see one fucking Scirocco [TS]

  in the next week baader-meinhof it's not [TS]

  just a river in Egypt right pretty soon [TS]

  you've seen it everywhere it's like the [TS]

  first it's like the first time this is I [TS]

  got one for you ready for this your [TS]

  watch that girl of course okay Donald [TS]

  Hollister is is engaged - what's the [TS]

  name Amory okay you know you know that [TS]

  you know that there's a there's a very [TS]

  significant significance in my life to [TS]

  that girl I'm not gonna I'm not gonna [TS]

  snip you know that's where it comes from [TS]

  okay he's trying to shop for an [TS]

  engagement ring and they asked him how [TS]

  many baguettes he wants it to be this is [TS]

  my first beer mine - Amin and this is [TS]

  the first time I ever had an experience [TS]

  of it even before I knew that name [TS]

  um baader-meinhof so so Donald Hollister [TS]

  he hears about baguettes in diamonds and [TS]

  then he keeps hearing about baguettes [TS]

  and he says aloud I don't know this from [TS]

  like 1968 he says something like it's so [TS]

  wait you know you don't hear a word for [TS]

  your entire life and then you hear all [TS]

  these times in a row in the same week [TS]

  and guess what that means that means [TS]

  little boy me had the same experience I [TS]

  got Donald Hollister by that girl cuz [TS]

  and then that was the first time I had [TS]

  ever heard the word baguette and it's [TS]

  begnettes all the way down right you can [TS]

  instead of bread or is that a you know [TS]

  two Bremond that's a bread baguette is a [TS]

  break what is it what do they call it in [TS]

  a diamond carat gluten carry baguette I [TS]

  think it was a pair [TS]

  how many baguettes do you get per [TS]

  diamond how many packets does it take to [TS]

  get to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop [TS]

  what was the first time you got Donald [TS]

  Pleasence I you mean like a Halloween [TS]

  type situation or escape from New York [TS]

  I well like you don't do Rowland Blofeld [TS]

  I cannot not think of escape from New [TS]

  York now that you've slashed it last [TS]

  week i watch lists oh you didn't we [TS]

  talked about it on a program I do it [TS]

  John siracusa as my canonical example of [TS]

  seeing a movie without knowing anything [TS]

  about it [TS]

  when I was in eighth grade and I watched [TS]

  again last week and you know what he was [TS]

  fucking great it holds up huh [TS]

  snake listen I thought you were dead oh [TS]

  fuck okay number one he wrote he rode [TS]

  that glider to the top of the [TS]

  I never forget and proud of being lucky [TS]