Roderick on the Line

Ep. 274: "Lord Sword"

 

  hyejeong hi Marilyn how's it going good

  this is so weird this is so weird

  there's so many people here and I can't

  get sick I cannot be sick don't blow

  your flu on Marilyn I tried to play it

  off legit but I've been fucking Howard

  Hughes all night everything is literally

  asses and literally elbows very nice to

  meet you shall we do the bump

  I made him hug me and I actually was so

  sick three days ago you were so I was so

  sick my daughter threw up on me as kids

  do I don't know it's lovely when they do

  it it's so sweet yeah when you're a

  parent cherish those moments and someone

  had been feeding her Cheetos so it was

  like a thing that was never gonna come

  out

  and then 60 hours to the minute later

  mm-hmm I felt really bad inside but

  unlike a little child I refused to throw

  up because I'm a big boy and so I fought

  it just valiantly fought it for 12

  straight hours of just like misery so

  you were on the verge that you knew that

  you could have some did you think it was

  gonna be relief or would you be so mad

  at yourself for giving up that it

  wouldn't even feel good at a certain

  point I wanted the relief and then I

  could not what about what about

  downstairs was Italian upstairs not for

  it was one of those things that could go

  either direction standing at the

  crossroads yeah and get angry cthulhu

  inside you can't decide I'll decide

  which way I'm going

  don't you worry about that the devil was

  there it wanted to look like it under

  George he came up to Manhattan and there

  were a few times where I was like this

  is it I'm gonna throw up and I went yeah

  and nothing and then finally finally at

  the end of the night I said goodbye to

  everybody good night I'll see you guys

  tomorrow

  went up to the room and the people in

  the five hotel rooms around mine all

  called the fire department

  because I was just like there appears to

  be some kind of a wraith a portal open

  to the upside down eatos you know yeah

  kids are inconsiderate about that kind

  of stuff I can't get sick it can't

  happen I've had I'm not but like I know

  how I know where this is I don't know

  where this has been the thing about the

  flu and they're saying about the H 2 & 3

  I mederma get it right getting that

  right any biologist named MH 2 & 3 thank

  you a big fan and even their last three

  albums it's a real bad one and you know

  you can't you can't inoculate against it

  it just comes and it does what it wants

  with you it takes you and it's in its

  meaty paws yes and I yeah well when the

  big flu comes when the when the disaster

  flu comes what are we going to do like I

  don't care about other people I mean us

  do you think you think we should work

  out a plan and how do we survive yeah do

  you is that one you just go home and you

  say I'm not going to work for a month

  six months I feel like the last week has

  demonstrated a lot of things about ill

  prepare how ill-prepared we are on so

  many levels in this country for so many

  different things my daughter and I had

  had a nice day at the Museum

  doot-doot-doot to do I pick up my phone

  oh my god Hawaii had this whole thing

  happened and then my favorite part of

  that was the headlines that were like

  this message accidentally went out and

  lots of people panicked I was like

  that's not panicking panic is you think

  you might be at acumen like they holy

  shit my kabobs gonna suck I need to do

  an insta card that's panicking you will

  die in 35 minutes from missile I

  wouldn't call that panicking I call it I

  talk to my daughter but it's do you

  think that's real normal if we find out

  we're gonna die in 34 minutes like yeah

  that would suck I think panic and

  fucking hard if there's one place in the

  world that should not have a nuclear

  warning system its Hawaii well how can

  we help them what are you gonna say get

  on your

  recycle and drive real fast around like

  it's coming in the roosters well shave

  the shave ice like with air everything

  is literally outside they can't get the

  can't get the roosters to stop crowing

  how are they gonna stop a bomb I didn't

  mean it in the best possible way now

  it's a ping pong there's no stopping it

  no no it's not pimple but I'm gonna run

  to a different Island if there's a tidal

  wave alarm it makes sense because

  there's always somewhere in Hawaii that

  you can go up that's right every one of

  those is an island that the Big Island

  the biggest yes this is the big it has

  the two uppers two places and all of

  Hawaii is that right yeah yeah big big

  big ups yeah but so when the when the

  tidal wave alarm goes off which is like

  wow its klaxon you're like oh yeah but

  the bomb it's like kiss your ass

  good-bye yeah yeah no that's not good so

  what you think we should have a plan so

  like we like to think we have a plan

  because if you have the earthquakes here

  in the area and that's why we had one I

  was sitting there watching Netflix is

  that a very old couch as you know

  squeaky scream a literally makes that

  same and I thought this is it this is it

  because we have not gotten reproduces

  the last time we got prepared for

  hurricane which is when we did what they

  said on NPR and we filled the emergency

  bucket which is what's your college you

  get a bucket you can get a garbage can

  you seal it you fill it full of water

  one day we went out there and literally

  everything was mildewed the water

  apparently I went into some kind of a

  Synecdoche New York fugue state and

  didn't realize that I had not checked on

  the emergency bucket for three years

  everything was blue it might as well

  have been in Hawaii none of it was good

  the bed thing the tent the fake bed the

  fake tent the faint radio all of it gone

  yeah I feel utterly unprepared I need to

  start over I need to reboot this is one

  of the things that people that are

  storing a large amounts of cash I need

  to remember well that's bad it goes bad

  okay mice like to eat cash you'll get to

  lot you get the mold in the cash you'll

  get the the lime in the coconut you get

  it all shake it all around

  and and so if you're you got it you got

  to put the cash in some into some rap

  then you could put the rap into some you

  put some you dip it in wax okay and so

  you got to protect your cash same is

  true with sous-vide things you suck it

  out take the air out that's right right

  you get your spoons your toothpicks your

  cash that's right to do with German

  bearer bonds German bearer bonds and

  coffee thing is ladies and gentlemen the

  FB I was the one who was an Eddie Murphy

  floor where they put the stuff in coffee

  so you couldn't smell the drugs wasn't

  that any Murphy thing that was the

  Beverly Hills Cop okay then what was the

  German what was the German bearer bonds

  that was that like every other move oh

  that was the greatest Christmas movie of

  all time die hard

  now I heard that was a pretty mixed

  response man I feel like that's a meme

  and everybody's like played out played

  out meme so have you seen this have you

  seen the video the fella who gets real

  frustrated at work and he knocks over

  his computer monitor it's really quite

  funny it's called bad day my mom of

  course has a plan which is which is that

  you have to eat through your disaster

  food and be replenishing your disaster

  food in the wake of your own consumption

  of priorities almost like the power went

  out right so to shut down all the

  popsicles before the ice goes away when

  she moved out of her house she showed up

  at my house with duffel bags full of

  cornmeal and cans hey Johnny cake can't

  ya like just all this stuff that is that

  is her blend of disaster requirements to

  feed the neighborhood because she feels

  like if you feed the neighborhood that's

  60 people that won't be like Cormac

  McCarthy meets Dickens it's just gonna

  be all kinds of really unpleasant food

  that nobody wants like it's always

  emergency food you buy all this shit

  that you would never in a million you're

  like kippered sardines and you're like I

  don't even know what any of those things

  are I think she feels like if you have a

  fish fry for the neighborhood okay

  they don't assault your citadel quite as

  rapidly and maybe they

  will form a first line of defense

  against the the people in the neighbor

  and that's something to offer

  yeah so the johnnycake they're like you

  know you can't assault the Citadel of

  johnnycake lady right and then they they

  fight off the zombies for you that's her

  whole plan but she moved all that shit

  into my barn cuz she doesn't have a

  house anymore and she told your book I

  think she's in your barn sounds like

  such a fire trap at this point no no no

  does that Johnny cake won't burn burn

  [Music]

  yeah it's true everything was blue here

  did you follow me you follow me they

  tell you that you get a garbage can from

  the Home Depot that has the latches on

  it

  take it off put all your stuff in there

  that's all fake stuff the read is a

  piece of shit it's not really gonna

  charge your phone grow up

  you get to get these beds you'd never

  want to sleep when you get a tent that's

  obviously gonna be users like oh it's

  really cute

  it looks like a McDonald's bag and it's

  got a rope and like that's we're gonna

  serve families gonna sleep in that and

  then all these little things that you

  looks like you bought at the Air and

  Space Museum as a gift for a kid you

  don't like right

  oh it's astronaut ice cream whatever

  like that's your food and like none of

  that stuff's that I would eat I you know

  I look I should put like a clam chowder

  in there or something some beans

  something I would really enjoy I don't

  think I've ever had a johnnycake four

  hundred cans of chili is what's in mine

  [Laughter]

  you're gonna want it you're gonna want

  to not go there forever this is Ben this

  is just to be clear this is the cans are

  blue they're live literally been in a

  garbage can

  since it's the old it's are you familiar

  with the jim bakker buckets the jim

  bakker buckets I am familiar with Jim

  Baker buckets I know Jim Baker from back

  in the day from Jim and Tammy Lee Jim

  Tammy Faye Tammy Faye Tammy Lee Who am I

  thinking of who wants to stand by your

  man Jim Baker

  Tammy Lee had a television show and she

  was married oh she was married to Regis

  Philbin okay I know he made Regis

  Philbin leave Tammy who was in fact the

  winningest General of the Civil War

  give me that again we just openly we

  just felt been late yeah okay something

  either would run through the airports

  and the commercials that was that's BJ

  BJ from Sausalito no he had the bear

  okay PJ PJ Honeycutt in his best friend

  Bear okay I remember that story that was

  a good story but you know Jim and Tammy

  and you and but that didn't extend to

  knowing the buckets or just lost it for

  a while I lost Cena yeah I was coming up

  at a time when there was it was big

  pastor as we used to call it and this

  was when I looked in Sarasota there was

  a guy who who owned a dog track near

  where I went to school I'm going

  somewhere with this gather round

  children this is the guy when Oral

  Roberts said that if he didn't get hush

  money from somebody God would take him

  and this guy I think gave him some money

  because of that he had your Jim Baker's

  he had your Jimmy Swaggart you had your

  ernest angley who liked to heal people

  by not gonna over kind of heavy guy he

  had that now Jim Baker today I lost the

  thread for awhile now he's back he's got

  no hair a beard in a bucket that's right

  and he's selling buckets right and left

  if anybody doesn't know he's a prepper

  is it he's prepping he's a prepping he's

  prepping

  I think he's prepping for I'm not sure

  what he's prepping for it seems like he

  maybe he leaves that part out

  how's your eschatology my eschatology

  yeah I mean are you like pretty good

  with understanding how the end days work

  oh yeah pretty much I mean I'm assuming

  they're know about the millennium I know

  about okay you know that one that

  already went and she stole your

  underwear no no I mean after that I mean

  after the rat come on any Church of

  Christ in the house you got so first you

  can you guys you got your ass get this

  rapture over here all of a sudden their

  answer whole bunch of plants like Toyota

  Tacomas are empty pants pants pants

  that's crying girl pants pants pants

  pants pants

  old pervert right but the pants are down

  everybody's gone that is the first wave

  is gonna trigger the first elevator to

  have them take some up now I'm trying

  might have the order a little mixed up

  LeMat a little behind masks atala G I

  think there's a time though you have

  visitors like that there's help me out

  on this I know eventually you got heaven

  and in between you got the Millennium

  you got was a thousand years on earth

  that's right I get this is the sign of

  the beast

  right

  right so if all of their collectively

  just go suck Sarah and then there's the

  disco comes back and a lot of people

  don't like new orders technically a

  disco ban but a lot of that was very it

  was very homophobic well it wasn't just

  about baseball they were named after

  comfort women is that right now what do

  i division well the event yeah third

  base now the thing is I don't know what

  kind of prepping is is it a doomsday

  prep an apocalypse prep whatever it is

  you're gonna have your beans you're

  gonna have your fake tent you're you're

  grinding radio what's gym bigger put in

  one of those Bibles my assumption is

  that they are that there are more

  Calvinists about it and they feel like

  they're the elect right so they're gone

  in the first wave so I don't know what

  they're prepping for maybe they're

  leaving that for their cousins and stuff

  that didn't actually a super good idea

  if you're making your own bucket if you

  roll your own for your bucket your house

  stuff that you enjoy in it hmm maybe

  there's a White Ribbon bucket it's for

  the people you don't like maybe so much

  my question for you is once you've found

  the blue bucket once you've found your

  bucket hot-glue mmm

  did you just abandon the whole idea

  you're like a fucking it's so easy when

  you're not thinking about it and then

  one night you're watching TV you're like

  I really need to get on this let's see

  KQED every year when we give Lana kqd

  kqed.org you can go give money they do

  good work that's right Michael Krasny

  MRA and dorks

  they actually literally they're big

  premium one eight hundred nine eight

  seven eight and they do this every year

  they go once again we are offering the

  total survival bucket this is a

  five-gallon bucket filled with

  everything that your family will need

  for three days plus a toilet seat that

  you put on to the five gallon bucket

  because presumably in the future the

  people who were left behind when they

  take your shit are going to have to

  empty five gallons worth of supplies

  that is everything I've left on the

  planet so they can shit in the bucket

  I'm guessing then you don't have water

  to clean it out maybe it comes with a

  special liner I'll have to ask KQED

  that's not a prepper thing that's just

  more like a liberal that's a liberal

  fantasy kind of thing I mean three days

  is exactly enough time to really feel

  your death

  and then rise some people could you

  allow it three days I mean I feel like

  if you what your plan needs to be how do

  I get the hell out of here for good how

  do I leave these other suckers be high

  on it just like all sit indian-style

  around a three-day bucket and life watch

  it go down the eldritch horror

  maybe we should agree that one person's

  bucket is used for this in one person's

  bucket you know that's why all those

  people in Montana have so many guns

  because they feel like our three-day

  plan is get from here to there is like

  the the guy getting chase for the tiger

  he says I don't need to be faster than

  the tiger I just need to be faster than

  you yeah that's on the Montana flag and

  there's someone shooting someone else in

  the head execution-style I was having I

  was having dim sum with Ben Harrison and

  that was his fortune cookie two days ago

  you don't have to be faster than the

  bear except it was it was one of those

  over over long fortunes I was like now I

  don't have to be faster than the bear

  you just have to be faster than your

  other friend who is not as fast as the

  mayor the lottery numbers on the back

  did have a lot of notes I got a lot of

  fucking problems with fortune cookies

  they're too long too many of them are

  aphorisms and not actual fortunes right

  or good you are a nice person

  no I'm not that's not a fortune fuck

  that there's a fortune cookie factory

  like a famous fortune cookie factory

  the fifth famous fifth famous fortune

  cookie factory in the state was

  fortunately factory yeah is in Fillmore

  450 it's it's on Fillmore San

  Francisco's Chinatown service a good

  Chinatown is that right

  yeah you can go I'm gonna get a full

  drone you get you get a tour

  [Music]

  although you're gonna pull a second Oh

  Merlin I just did a shields and Yarnell

  version of I guess making a fortune

  cookie right on his dick it was really

  weird fifth largest fortune for cooking

  factor you think that's right right in

  the Chinatown it's right there and you

  were this is city the heart of the city

  where it all converges that's right

  although a lot of people don't know this

  fortune cookie was actually a Japanese

  invent turns out yeah sorry

  there's no good asshole okay Logan

  Roderick Robinson science ruin and shit

  for me

  I thought Squatch isn't real showed up

  this is San Francisco you guys turns out

  moment at least we live for the turns

  out people want to get their money's

  probably what it turns out inside if it

  turns out inside if it turns out we want

  a full complement if you get five

  hundreds Calder Gladwell so it's a

  reason it's called hidden brain that was

  almost a kind of a wave moan if you're

  gonna decide to live when others are

  dying you're gonna have to make so you

  can have to prepare even if it's not

  strictly prepping preparing you're still

  gonna have to think ahead you got a and

  you're gonna have to like stay caught up

  you're gonna have to make this part of

  what you do in the same way that I rue

  the removal of compost from our house

  every day to go put it in the green

  bucket like you're gonna have to

  practically think about your stuff like

  that it's gonna be like having a fish if

  you want to live you need to think about

  your stash you can make sure your cash

  stays dry your fortune cookies are

  well-defined right and that your water

  is not blue and that none of your

  money's expired the number one thing you

  have to ask yourself is do you want to

  live over on the other side of the -

  apocalypse will you put into it what's

  needed in order to live well I've told

  you this story right well I used to work

  at the magazine store and there were a

  magazines about if you if you wanted to

  buy a castle in scotland and i

  absolutely wanted a castle in scotland

  it's not a thing that everybody wants

  but some people wanted that's right in

  the sweet spot let's hear a round of

  applause people who want a hot

  let's hear a round of applause from

  people who know they don't want a castle

  in scotland oh the thing about a castle

  in Scotland I wanted one I wanted one I

  wanted one and then I started you know

  populating my imaginary Castle in

  Scotland with all the things you're

  gonna put in there a big billiard

  mysteries you're gonna buy you're gonna

  buy a lot of chandeliers put them

  everywhere you're gonna have like the

  Hall of chandeliers you might have to

  put in any report kalus right you're

  gonna get a trebuchet or I don't know

  it's got a spork all this it's not

  something you can rely on but then I

  started reboard the arrow holes got

  reboard oohs that's right you got a you

  got to put to repoint the the the

  masonry yeah yeah but then I started to

  imagine oh and then you can have your

  own heraldic crest made that's like

  named in a band I don't care what genre

  it is and I can't play an instrument I

  gotta come up with a name so you would

  have to you need a name for your castle

  II need something Harold think that's

  right and every house in the United

  Kingdom has a name even if it's like a

  1-bedroom apartment it's called like the

  Finns smoking Tain's of Glenwood on push

  a door but so after a while I started to

  you know imagine myself living in this

  castle you know I have a very small

  family have one child I have a mother a

  sister and that my child has a mother

  and then some we are at this point

  talking just about sentient beings and

  not belongings right I do that's right I

  do a lot of belonging yeah the castle

  the castle but I bet when you got that

  bar you sent yourself out never filled I

  mean I would definitely have a Hall of

  mismatched swords

  welcome to Sword Hall but where the

  private features of Castro that might be

  what I call the house sword ha ha ha I

  like that fun Lord sword it's a man in

  the bathrobe rampant on a castle this

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  supporting Roderick on the line and all

  the great shows but but like I started

  to realize like Who am I going to talk

  to like getting the castle I didn't have

  instantly like more friends yeah I

  didn't have any vassals it's not like

  gonna pick up in

  College you get a pickup truck in

  college everybody's your friend that's

  right good Castle in Scotland there's a

  load and I started to picture myself

  going down to the local pub and then I'm

  the American who calls himself Lord

  sword that comes down to the pub

  sometimes and wants to play darts like

  not oh here comes Lord sword so this is

  what you look at me I've got a new

  portcullis

  you have to think about my moat don't

  stink the post-apocalypse like who what

  are you gonna who'd gonna hang out with

  so much me but also so much maintenance

  yeah you're right you're right who would

  you hang out with would it be other

  castle dwellers but we're talking about

  here in San Francisco you're talking to

  living in the sunset live in sunset

  every 8th house is occupied yeah the

  rest are just full of bodies that died

  in the flue yeah and you guys are here

  you got your bucket they got their

  bucket here every once in a while

  sheriff buck if you should trade fuck

  you let's get that work you look it you

  wash my bucket I'll wash yours

  fudge-like is the sunset see the problem

  is that you know infrastructural there's

  all kinds of things I mean it's gonna be

  difficult you know gosh what if the word

  up the reservoir gets a crack and all

  the water comes down the main problem in

  my neighborhood is if next door goes out

  nobody is gonna have any idea what

  there's one guy in my neighborhood in

  particular I cannot imagine this guy

  surviving he's so upset about people who

  look like they might be stealing his

  packages I don't think he even has a

  bucket ready let me ask you as someone

  who gets a lot of packages do you think

  that packages routinely get stolen from

  people's front porches I mean I think it

  does definitely happen but it's one of

  those things where you can well

  obviously it's like any of these things

  where you know what is it or well say

  like if you get these people freaked out

  enough you don't need your packages

  stolen you mentally stealing your own

  packages all the time you just you just

  err you're so intense it's like that

  person that person was near my bush for

  too long I don't like the look of that

  person who wears who wears something

  with a hood in this kind of weather it

  would seem to me that most package

  thieves would end up with like seven

  hundred bottles of contact lens solution

  yeah for every one interesting thing

  it's kind of a contact lens solution

  diapers and porn I mean people get porn

  male I'm a pigeon not not everybody has

  a computer set not everything's like

  you've never that you can send to the

  store

  it gets Bitcoin mining from the look of

  goodwill some people got to do it on

  their own they gotta watch it on the VCR

  I'm you know I'm Amazon Prime it never

  occurred to me at your recommendation

  yes on prime never occurred to me to put

  porn in there and see what happened can

  you get porn on Amazon you might want to

  look at the Kindle Store but that's like

  porn where Fabio like takes you in his

  arm wish do you want to know there's

  like but but Kindle only has black and

  white letters yeah but it's about having

  sex with a billionaire dinosaur kid you

  know what don't get out your phones

  because I want you to pay attention to

  what John has to share with you at your

  earliest convenience please go into

  Amazon and search for things like

  billionaire and dime it's cuz that

  dinosaur is gonna teach you a fuckin

  lesson about how to reimburse your

  disbursements is it is it fanfic is that

  what it is

  no it's professionally written shitty

  writing that you can get deployed via

  the Wi-Fi and it's about you know

  fucking dinosaurs and billionaires

  because the all kinds of different

  combinations you just have something to

  do with like tentacle porn ah except is

  like small arm tiny big thighs small

  small forearms you go the brothers can't

  deny so do you feel like you're pretty

  preps I mean if you if you uh you've got

  a castle of your own right now you have

  a perimeter that is very very well

  regulated what are you doing here

  militia yep I have an escape an escape

  vehicle right a anti apocalypse motor

  van your GMC RV I have a I have a barn

  that is defendable I have a I have an

  empty swimming pool full of logs

  I have is that the same no wait no hey

  gay is when you get lines on your jeans

  yeah what's the thing that's about

  coziness in Finland is that logs in a

  pool what's that called logs in a pool I

  think that's a different thing I don't

  think that's Jim Baker's bucket by any

  other name if you have too much of the

  pepper food you may discover that when

  you attempt to defecate you find nothing

  but logs in the pool I don't know about

  finish come frogs about the coziness do

  you guys know you guys are he gay is it

  Hagee who girl the penis whiskers yeah

  then hygge is this the finned is the fin

  link Oh someone's got a leak Wow um is

  the feeling coziness for uh because and

  the thing is that many I'm sure many a

  lot of hisses for this but yeah I have

  I've been spending more time on 4chan

  again buddy and they have they're one of

  the threads that's interesting

  georgeanna is the comfy the comfy thread

  where they just post pictures of things

  that are comfy and a lot of them are

  like little Finnish houses with snow

  coming down and little there's little

  that there bishop thomas kane yeah and

  then the next thread is about people

  being beheaded in car accidents but the

  cozy threads are really nice but no i

  feel like if you think about being ready

  for for the disaster is not about being

  ready to defend your perimeter because i

  think it's very true that by the time

  you are defending your perimeter you

  will be defending it against people who

  are better armed and more motivated it's

  too late yeah okay there's not you're

  not defending it against random zombies

  it's gonna be against people who are

  driving around in a toyota pickup with a

  50 caliber machine gun in the back who

  are like we're taking over right and so

  don't worry about like guns and fighting

  just worry about like it's it's the

  bridge right it's not a three-day bridge

  it's a 30-day bridge okay

  can you keep your families

  and keep yourselves like heated and

  washed during the time that it takes to

  reestablish a grid and because what's

  gonna happen is the first thing that

  happens is that the the supermarkets

  aren't stopped anymore because the first

  thing is gonna happen as you can't call

  a kid to go pick it up in the

  supermarket for you well right you know

  what I think yeah you can't Yelp to

  decide which restaurant has the best

  meatballs that's the first thing to go

  ruin my engagement party one star but

  we're but we're talking about like the

  devasting about the 9.9 we're talking

  about the one with it with the

  accompanying singer and then all of and

  then the big fluke um I think it's opens

  at once is the thing

  World War one happened and then the big

  flew and then the and then not very long

  ten years the stock market crash hit the

  flap and then right then right after

  that there was a depression yes then

  there was another world war in

  coincidence right and then there's you

  got wing walkers yeah ticker tape that's

  right Barnstormers straw boaters and

  then and then modern jazz no new it was

  it was the Bitcoin but not the Bitcoin

  the cryptocurrency of its time let me

  ask you you've mentioned Bitcoin several

  times yes your you ever some real talk

  what is this we're looking at I saw

  these but I didn't want to look at them

  because it if it's what I think it is

  I'm pretty fucking happy we should know

  what turn away anyway are those should

  they be upside down if they're from

  Australia though are those phony or war

  I think might be phony Awards they

  really look like funny we did not bring

  these awards ourselves let's check it

  out see what it says let's say anything

  oh it's a phony award it's a phony war

  awarded to Roderick on the line for most

  podcast podcast I promised myself I

  wouldn't cry thank you I just want to

  say I just wanna say thanks to thanks to

  everybody this is a very important time

  and moving them right now and I'm very

  I'm very excited to have the opportunity

  to be up in front of you don't play me

  off thank you thank you I'd like to

  thank my wife I'd like to let my other

  wife

  I really spared no expense here with

  this dowel is some expenses but but the

  I think the paint might still well it's

  an interesting color of gold it's really

  gold mixed with chocolate it's one thing

  to never win an award that hasn't been

  invented yet and it's another thing to

  win award for a thing that was just made

  up that doesn't exist and for everybody

  out there who's ever won of something

  that didn't exist and didn't understand

  why they didn't have it I just want to

  say me too

  thank you yeah

  mucuna tatata thank you shatru de patata

  survival bucket 1-800 that's right no

  Vic tuna frittata Nelly Furtado let me

  ask you though about Bitcoin it seems

  like the type of thing that people would

  did we start I have noise you feel like

  me doing this for 30 minutes this time

  is it now got another goddamn hour to do

  here well holy shit we'll throw 2

  questions after a while and they'll

  entertain themselves it seems to me

  there was a moment right where all of us

  wanted to maybe thought about getting a

  Bitcoin but then when we looked at how

  much they cost

  they were like $40 and it seemed too

  expensive but you seem like someone who

  might have gotten a Bitcoin did you get

  a Bitcoin there's a lot of things that I

  don't understand I've made a study of

  not understanding things and I feel like

  that's something I've gotten kind of

  good at it's very very difficult for me

  to understand from what I can gather

  it's like money but not and you need a

  computer to make it even though you're

  not really making it but the

  distribution of what you've made

  involves math and lots of people in

  power and then eventually you can't sell

  it because the fee is too high and

  there's too many people trying to do it

  at the same time their views

  I think there's oh that's how they get

  that's how they get you yeah it's a

  crypto eel so it's it's like the money

  gets what would you call it distributed

  the Kazakh Stan Igor 1 million dollar 1

  million dollar fee goes to Kazakh Stan

  are you wearing this no no tell me more

  he went to Cossacks they know this is

  the kind of thing this those fat cats

  don't want you to know you got a 1

  million dollar fee in Kazakhstan got it

  got out that million dollar 3 million

  dollar fee in Kazakhstan it's not what

  they call a fiat currency that's the

  term people like you throw what they're

  saying real money that's called a fiat

  currency it's like a made-up phony

  baloney

  I think that's based on nothing unlike a

  made-up phony the loan anything that

  requires computers in that it's like a

  fix it again Tony

  no there's like two Fiat owners in our

  repair they both live in New Jersey and

  they're not here to laugh is it one for

  dodge dodge I did fix it again Tony a

  fixed or repaired daily which is

  somebody should have workshop that a

  little longer is there one for dodge

  don't obviously dodge great energy it's

  a backronym it's a person is okay what's

  your Lamborghini lastly and more

  ordinarily though lastly and more

  basically oh really

  gosh how how is nothing in nothing gosh

  bikini got a Lambo Lambo 47 Lambos when

  you were a teenager do you have a

  supercar that you cared about you don't

  yes cars now but we're myself what was

  your supercar your teenage supercar

  ah-64 TF Mustang over the first one X

  count grown with the like some kind of

  special thing or just terrier stock one

  brownie interior pony interior how does

  Merlyn know these things I thought that

  he hated cars I wanted one so I want a

  blue one with the hexagons and what was

  it my dreams in my dreams your dreams

  let me coop dude oh yeah Tudor yeah yeah

  yeah I like lots of cars but at the time

  that I had these desires that I couldn't

  fulfill because money he had the

  Maverick are the it was called the

  Mustang - at the time oh it's the

  long-standing fixed or repaired daily

  Mustang which which kind of looked like

  if somebody put tires on an 8-track the

  Mustang 2 was a was a Pinto that had a

  horse and a Pinto is a horse

  hi meal involvement not troubling overly

  am i right Ralph Nader john-john

  Roderick what was I feel like I should

  know this what was your teenage boy

  dream car I did not go in for all the

  the puffed up battalion sports things I

  wanted a like the first year 1966

  Porsche 911 but it turns out I would

  barely fit in one you'd have to take the

  seed out begin and I could sit in the

  back I have to take up the wheel and

  manually manipulate the steering oh and

  there might be someone in here that has

  a Porsche who wants to argue with me

  about whether or not I would fit in it

  and I don't want to do that that's a

  complete exaggeration you've fitted a

  really good but I but there's part of me

  that's still once one but yeah but all

  those things have become all the things

  that I loved that were four assholes

  then are four bigger asshole Wow because

  now they can get it yes like me I want

  this big gym tomorrow like get it bring

  it to me back then if you saved your

  money it was conceivable that you could

  get an old cool car but it's been

  forever fixed like an mg you get

  something or you get like a sprite you

  could fix something I had a friend an

  austin-healey sprite and was constantly

  like fixing it up but like you know now

  today you can get a fucking banana seat

  bike on Amazon Prime my fingertips

  assholes

  I've been looks ever since my truck

  caught on fire yeah which wasn't that

  long ago

  I fixed the truck I took it to my guy he

  said he said it was gonna be expensive

  to fix and I said I'm pot committed to

  this thing it's whatever the cost

  and so one just a bigger audience up to

  date enough people are up to date on the

  show you had you had your truck there

  was a slight incendiary incident

  something happened something happens you

  know 99% of the time when an alternator

  fails it fails to continue to charge it

  stops alternating yeah one one in a

  hundred times what happens is the

  alternator just gets out of the way of

  the electricity

  oh it just says I'm Audi it's like see

  you later and so 18 volts of pure

  electricity goes right into everything

  yeah and it caught it on fire and I put

  it out with a with an old-fashioned fire

  extinguisher that just shoots pure hate

  at everything and as you know hate

  extinguishes fire yes and paper jams oh

  and so but now the windshield wipers are

  always on living perfect with the song

  in the radio the the the debt the the

  instruments in the dash are one-by-one

  blinking out the speedometer no longer

  works well because all the all the mica

  from the hate extinguisher went into

  everything in a while so change that the

  way they make extinguisher now you don't

  get as much hate well now it's just it's

  just a carbon dioxide it just it just it

  just blankets it with rationality and

  talks to fire out of it yeah yeah

  alright bores the shit out of the phone

  by your logic fire should be everywhere

  the new logic patents a fire

  extinguisher but I started looking for a

  car because I felt like you know I owe

  it to everyone to have a car that has

  electricity clutches for you it's it's

  for the well it's for you and it's for

  my kid who every time she gets into the

  car she's like why does your car smell

  like the inside of a tank legacy and I

  don't know how she learned how a tank

  smells but I think it's you know kids

  are reading weird books now at a young

  age yeah I think yeah she was reading

  and she was reading like she she gets

  that out to visa how this tank smell she

  and her friends were watching fury right

  the recent Brad Pitt movie about tank

  combat oh no one sight to see that bunch

  of peaceniks in here

  um problem man anyway so I so so she's

  like why don't why do you why don't you

  why this is why this is the thing we

  have to be in for being on roads smell

  like this yeah one why do these missions

  though the smell was not detailed out to

  your satisfaction even on repeat detail

  yeah it's not that smell it's just it

  was the normal smell of the vehicle that

  smelled like naugahyde covered with

  motor oil yeah which essentially that's

  the smell of love that's the finish on

  these boots that did you guys notice

  that we're wearing the same boots we can

  we access this out ahead of time

  completely accidental when you are a man

  of a certain age and you wear Doc

  Martens it communicates that you are not

  getting old gracefully

  no forget you in future you know I love

  the poor sizing of Doc Martens but it

  like the convenience of a slip-on shoe

  hi I feel like I get a little bit of a

  fussy thing going I feel like I should

  get a nice tight cuff little tight oh

  good we're doing the pants material it's

  like things in a trench coat it's never

  not funny but so I wanna I want a car

  and I want to get a good car but a

  legacy I want a stylish car I don't want

  to drive around in a fuckin old shitty

  car like a Tercel or one of these new

  cars people are like why don't you get

  one of these cars that looks like a

  Tonka truck and I'm like because I'm not

  a fucking Fisher Price person you want

  Honda cute boys you don't wanna hide a

  cute boy don't get anything the texture

  something with nuance like a brand

  koozie something curvy and beautiful

  that can easily catch on fire and then

  put some face it's beautiful it's a

  legacy somebody would communicate

  something about me to the other drivers

  namely get out of my way and this guy

  looks like trouble

  one of the great things about the truck

  is not that people see you in the

  rearview mirror and get out of your way

  it's that people who are behind you that

  want you to get out of their way

  realize that they'd better leave you

  alone oh boy yeah because it's like I

  don't want to honk at this thing yeah

  who knows what's who knows what's

  driving that it's good I just on the

  back bumper I have an NRA sticker and a

  van Halen sticker this is like don't you

  know don't you don't know which way to

  go around this car new the new this is

  kind of a Mimi thing of like you put one

  sticker over the other like you know you

  put your I kind of look like the same

  van Halen sticker over in NR East

  yeah you ever get people step to you

  within your vehicle I want to get back

  to your story but do you have do you

  ever have to deal with people it's sort

  of like you were like you never noticed

  like on Muni and Bart you never see two

  local denizens like fighting each other

  they're all like a local denizen is

  usually like hassling a normal like a

  lady with a baby like I live in the

  walls I'm wallpaper man and please just

  let me have a life but like you never

  see to people like go have each other I

  kind of shave each other explain

  football you know you never see that

  kind of like I don't know what's going

  on Aires made of gravy it's always there

  always going after a normal do you ever

  have to go up against another crazy

  vehicle person for predominance the and

  also the area's made of gravy for sure I

  don't need a pass it's in my mind the

  thing about a 1979 GMC Suburban is that

  you are 100% invisible to 98% of the

  people in the world they just don't see

  it because it looks like it it looks

  like being a 51 year old man well or

  just it looks like oh I don't know a

  truck that doesn't belong and so their

  eyes just don't see it but razzle dazzle

  in a way it's kind that's right yeah but

  every seven days a 62 year old black man

  will tip his hat as

  bye and I'll be like the back at you sir

  so there there's just a very small

  demographic of people that are like nice

  truck and I feel a real commune of a

  fraternal community with them but I

  never it's not like I ever pull over and

  get out and say like I want to hang and

  they don't run after a part of the code

  right no it wouldn't I mean you just you

  wouldn't always just say like after the

  apocalypse you wouldn't you just say if

  you want to get up in my castle no no I

  think what you do is you want to share a

  bucket reach down between your seat and

  you pick up your fire extinguisher and

  wave it back at

  but so I wanna I want a car and I

  decided that what I need to get is some

  kind of you know I'm gonna get a Fernan

  job because I'm not gonna get one of

  these these these human look at Chrysler

  like candidly his real youth simply

  leaves every every reach-around stolen

  Chrysler's I feel like I feel like the

  truck industry right they've like pumped

  everything's so pumped up everything's

  got so many bulbous like fake muscles on

  it but necessary diesel you got fenders

  you got the extra wheels in the back

  like you know what are you gonna do you

  gonna put extra Bush light back there

  like what come on stuff up front to like

  the grills just look like it's just

  looks like a face on top of a face and

  so I decided oh I'm gonna get one of

  these mercedes-benz mercedes-benz

  because that says a different thing

  about a man different thing but then you

  look at them and there are two things

  about them they're not cheap even when

  they're used and also you know that

  every quart of oil you buy has to be

  Mercedes oil and it's 40 dollars before

  say so but you're talking like an out of

  warranty old ass not like you've got to

  take it to the dealer kind of something

  that has electricity but but like

  alright but you know like something cool

  anyway that's where I'm at right now but

  I was I was hoping that this year was

  gonna be like it one of these years

  where I just made a bunch of money

  everything happened and I said something

  a person yeah and I'd settle free either

  if I could buy like a car from 2012 I

  would feel like I was really everything

  was happening

  singing sister and then I realized it

  was it was still me that was gonna be

  doing things and so whatever those

  dreams of everything working out were

  still they still had one problem

  you you are not an option yeah right act

  like you're your standard on every video

  I was still gonna make I was still gonna

  make every decision I would normally

  make 18 oh man we don't get to fool

  ourselves anymore it's fucking bullshit

  it's brutal yeah so you got castles you

  got cars you got buckets I don't know

  two people who've never listened to the

  show this happens on the recordings oh

  yeah

  just did I do so much editing on the

  show you never notice he does do a lot

  of it oh you've got a this yeah the one

  thing that I can't that I can't do on

  the show let my Jesse thorn pocket

  square yes no one just thorn you I can't

  notice things about you on the show and

  I'm noticing that you have a like am

  watch mode Aaron like everything else

  about you could have just fallen out of

  out of somebody's like falling out of

  like unsuccessful gay porn from the

  early age or like the the the page of

  the Sears catalog for cool dads and then

  from like 80 from 1980 but they're

  looking at this watch that's just like

  it's like r2d2 yeah yeah not not as

  funny after you you have it for a while

  everybody cares nothing important to do

  is it it is it mining bit crown you need

  more focus in your life I don't know I

  have a lot of problems

  this is funny to you how Jesus Christ is

  it Syrian you talk to it can you say so

  you say watch me watch me this is great

  it looks good let's do it let's hear it

  what time is it what did it say who is

  John roderick john roderick would you

  like to ask john roderick would you like

  to split a bucket

  nothing yet

  I think it's still mining Bitcoin there

  is a text here from a friend that says

  there are a couple of total john

  roderick dream girls in my Zumba class

  no photo short curly hair nose mossad

  combat boots did you say nose mossad

  vegetable cabrera is really martial art

  my god this episode of roderick on the

  line is brought to you in part by Casper

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  Roderick on the line and all the great

  ships what you're unfolding this piece

  papers this our contract does it say how

  long we have to do this show forever ah

  let's move on to the next portion of the

  program which is some new bullshit we're

  making up I went on the internet earlier

  today and we should also warn people we

  will probably take questions from the

  audience after this hangout afterwards

  do not hang out much because you're all

  fucking gonna make me sick and I have to

  go home I have a podcast record in the

  morning and I still haven't taken my

  sleeping pill yeah don't talk or breathe

  on Merlin don't get close just way out

  know your being here is plenty but you

  can talk to me I'll stick around

  yeah but we're also gonna take question

  on my behalf I went on the internet this

  afternoon and I said to us as people

  that says I said Generation supertrain

  is there a topic from Roderick on the

  line for which you'd like to hear John

  Roderick provide an update 98 percent of

  them said GMC RV I bet Jim CRV is on the

  list all right we have not prepared we

  unless you've seen some of this listener

  Sean in of Seattle

  we're like safar he says his the thing

  the thing about Jews listener Sean n

  Sean in from Seattle asks what's the

  thing about junina there's no what's

  just the thing about Jews I think he

  wants you to follow up on the thing

  about Jesus what you want to do I think

  another question cuz I do this did I do

  something that I do bits on Jews that

  doesn't seem like me you know I'm a

  Judea file and that's a that's difficult

  to say I don't think they like to be

  filed

  they enlists do not turn off soon

  listener John not this John listener

  John and many other people let's be

  honest currents that if you want to say

  in as much as you're comfortable and

  legally obligated to say what is the

  current status of the GMC RP the GMC RV

  is under a tarp because out of respect

  it's under a tarp because we're in the

  rainy season in Seattle and it is easier

  to de tarp if I it when I want when

  there's a sunny day than it is to

  dehumidifier it I like the way it smells

  yeah well I know it smells great but

  it's just like if it if it sits in the

  rain for two-and-a-half miles then you

  have that it's kind of like grandma's

  old Underpants and look magazines you

  know you want to flip through them but

  not a lot I do not know no but mildew is

  that ablest mildew it's it's it's got a

  certain moist you're doing the

  international symbol of I love this wine

  oh it's guys there's so many things

  going on its own there's a lot of

  complexity in the mouthfeel I'm making

  that effluvium thing you're never

  supposed to just snort the chemicals

  you're supposed to get in a flu VM right

  right a flu viim yeah

  RV is that a good RV a nice RV feels it

  should smell like things are wet that

  the exhaust is routed through the

  dashboard

  it should smell like someone's been

  living there for a year with a cat like

  it should smell like you've been frying

  fish in there since the 70s like all

  these things mix together to get this

  like odor RV and you know mine has that

  of course like it's like I have to do is

  smell the curtains and you get the whole

  experience but I just don't want their

  tunes are very rustic yeah there's an

  example this is original curtains and

  the thing about the RV is it has

  curtains and louvers so you can really

  exclude the outside world but you know

  the back window is this if it's like

  scenic picture window you can back up on

  you can go on the Pacific Coast Highway

  back up to one of those cliffs and wake

  up in the morning to the to the breakers

  and the seagulls and the oil derricks

  out there just leaking into the sea and

  the smell that's curtains but uh but I

  carped it it's in the backyard the

  problem was I drove it around the block

  in preparation to back it in because it

  was parked like this and I needed to go

  around the block in order to have the

  right angle to back it into its spot in

  front of the barn to be tarped also does

  a kind of a good idea to get all the

  things in motion one last time's right

  so doesn't all just kind of freeze up in

  the same place forever and 300 yards

  from its from its eventual berth in

  drydock everything shut down the power

  went off the engine quit and I was like

  I didn't have enough forward momentum to

  just roll up to the house I was like I

  was not even a block away and I had to

  call triple-a who had to come they don't

  like that they like being called in

  their biggest wrecker and it's one of

  those records that has that has more

  more like rollers and flashing lights

  and spotlights on the side than the than

  the main shipping as you can't turn off

  it just looks like the Close Encounters

  ship as it turns upside down it's just

  like lights everywhere and all that

  neighbors came out to see what was going

  on and that and the wrecker was blocking

  the tow truck so the one neighbor that

  really needs his mail was really upset

  and I kept saying it the when the mail

  truck gets here I'm gonna explain

  to the mailman and he was pacing and

  then so I had to I couldn't even monitor

  the towing I know you didn't crowd

  manage I had to be in the back like

  everything's fine everyone it's cool

  don't worry I'm looking for the postman

  and then I saw the the the mailman

  coming from a half a mile away and had

  to watch as he stopped at each mailbox

  which is what they do

  yeah like this this slow motion

  anticipation of this was their concern

  that he would just go around it this guy

  was pacing I'm not getting out of this

  he didn't want to talk to the guy and so

  it's just as like slow-mo thing of like

  come on I just got a 30-second thing I

  need to tell you about this guy's mail

  and he's just like and he's taking his

  time he's sorting through all the

  circulars he's put in the safe way he

  knows what he's doing neighbors upset

  but he doesn't have to be the one to

  talk about him the time the tow truck

  guy and this guy over here with this

  yeah and so fun but finally the tow

  truck guy backed it into the to the in

  front of the barn I tarped it and what

  it is right now is a problem for the

  future yeah what I think it's an

  opportunity what I like to LeDoux as I

  walk past it and I go March problem

  mm-hmm that's a problem for March and

  when March arrives it's gonna have come

  a lot sooner than I expect I love the

  item want to take you off this I love

  the idea of the March problem it's a

  March problem oh that's a March problem

  yeah that is not a November problem it

  is not a anywh a problem itself March

  jesus take the wheel I'm not gonna think

  about this for two months it's just yeah

  when it's time it might be time I'm not

  saying it's an August problem no no not

  that good and the thing about King

  Neptune I'm still King Neptune yes till

  June with all rights therein - that's

  right and and that's a June problem when

  I get that's it like it this is a venti

  I'm me I'm not I'm not blowing smoke up

  your skirt this is a good thought

  technology the March problem you've

  already you've got it you figure out

  where the problem goes you've got you

  guys got a little Filofax for where it's

  gonna go for for your calendar and when

  March come not today not today like

  Addie

  like at one of those

  like at one of those

  railroad crossing things yeah the the

  Bell starts sounding and the lights

  start flashing a long time before the

  arm drops yeah and you know that's

  that's basically how you approach a

  March problem like yellow light yellow

  light March evening and there's March

  and are you gonna get there before the

  beginning you just before March is done

  I feel like the reason it's a March

  problem is that you get your RV ready in

  March for what is ultimately your April

  adventure so you're getting your March

  problems are really your April

  adventures it's just like your much pop

  your April adventure yeah you're you're

  you're you're May flowers bring June

  showers or whatever it is yeah your

  March problems are April adventures and

  you need to you know it's all got its

  its dominoes all the way down right yes

  doesn't affect it's yeah right because

  your April your April adventures yes are

  your May gratifications but you can

  still have April problems

  you can have May adventures if you're

  gonna have a and I have January problems

  sure yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah a lot of

  my March problems come from being like

  November probably yeah I think I keep

  thinking about is just even more like

  I'm not a car guy I'm not a transit guy

  I'm not a person who likes motion but

  like I just keep coming back to the

  fuckin clubhouse clubhouse like it wants

  to be a clubhouse but like so that the

  moisture and the distinctive odor does

  that come from like one big hole or from

  a million tiny cracks so a lot of the

  thing about think about an RV is it's

  too it's too long to handle torsion oh

  it's an engineering problem yeah so when

  you when you make a thing this long and

  then you put it on the road where it's

  going both up and down and side to side

  it's got twisting forces it's like a

  subway six-foot sub like there's gonna

  be some turning and there's gonna be

  motion it's a material science problem

  there's just nothing that is flexible

  and also sturdy extend

  or perhaps somebody in here without 3d

  printers going of the I beg to differ I

  have I have created a polliver

  but in yeah the 3d printing community

  they're the worst in 1977 when this

  thing was built out of used Corvette

  parts what they did was they just like

  zipped it together like you would an

  IKEA thing alright but they had they had

  like rubber covers yeah

  and so everything everything that one

  1978 no one's it from like 77 77 it's as

  old as Star Wars yeah I bet they never a

  god bless them the people in that

  community I don't think they ever

  intended that thing to still be around

  now though they did that cave people

  they're all aeronautical but the AGM or

  as I like to call them go-go-go monkeys

  let's just take the temperature of the

  room how many people in here were born

  before 1977 that is a very small

  proportion of the people in here just

  for comparison's sake how many people

  were born after 1977

  [Applause]

  so this GMC RV is sweet my daughter said

  you know do you know anyone who's older

  than you I've met people who are living

  that other than me I've got I've got a

  friend who's over 55 this thing is this

  it's the equivalent of a Bugatti to us

  like how the hell how do you keep and

  keep this thing on the road but yeah but

  so all the little every time that

  someone at GM drilled a hole into that

  fiberglass in order to put a light or a

  mirror or a piece of chrome or a antenna

  or anything yeah every one of those

  things is now thinking to itself I'd

  like to just wither and turn into a hole

  rather than be a sealed like it's it's

  as you get older your sphincter just

  gets yes

  you know what also but it's also a

  torsion because because torsion would

  there's two things that every engineer

  knows about torsion it's cool and it's

  patient right so that's the thing about

  torsion torch and everything seems to be

  fine everything's copacetic everything's

  planning on Fletch it it's not like

  studs or shooting out of the wall right

  like it's gonna be very subtle it's

  gonna be a little bit of what give me

  some airplane motions you got Hugh you

  got cry

  yeah he got ya geeky and holiday right

  right you got Yanni yo D you got yoni in

  lingo lingo that's right guy yeah the

  guy yeah all the different ways that a

  plane can move in space some of them are

  in all three of the dimensions and

  that's a lot like what happens with the

  the materials problem of a GMC RV it's

  very very long right and so but the

  stresses are gonna be very subtle right

  in patient well like maybe by the time

  of Empire Strikes Back everything was

  still really great you get up to the

  time of Return of the Jedi some of the

  studs are getting a little bit curious

  about what where else they could be

  going right there are a lot of people in

  the audience who were born in 1987 and

  one day time is gonna make 1987 look

  like 1967 yeah and that's when you're

  gonna find the material science that

  went into building you also starts due

  to torsion and Gaia and come make it so

  that your sealants and your your your

  seals right also start to lose their

  elasticity

  yeah regardless of how much DeJohn you

  get into the yoni you're still gonna be

  a little bit of yo in the lingo that's

  right and you're gonna be your and it's

  gonna be resistance from the hue the hue

  and the cry so you got the we got the

  storm over here you got the drag over

  there

  1977 yep right and so right now the GMC

  ERV like you all and like me mm-hmm

  right now as it all happened to us at

  one point we're gonna end up tarped in

  front of somebody's barn

  and the GMC RV got there first

  [Music]

  eventually they'll need to make room and

  you'll be tarped outside the barn I want

  to turn you won't be talking it's gonna

  be a wet old RV and nobody can even open

  the door anymore I love you grandpa

  I I want to turn it into a clubhouse you

  know I'd be a clubhouse you get a

  dehumidifier

  I got a dehumidifier I got one for home

  I got one for the office I never looked

  back you put it in there it'll suck the

  shit yeah but it's the Scottish Castle

  problem which is yeah every time I open

  Sunset magazine I see one of those tiny

  houses yeah and I think I want to put a

  tiny house in my backyard

  yeah as a yoga studio or as a Zumba

  whatever that is studio or as it's

  called limited motion Zumba yeah I guess

  the very calm music and you make very

  small motions I'll have a stand-up desk

  and I'll do my architecture there

  whatever it is but then I remember I

  don't have any more friends than my

  daughter and my her mother and my mother

  and sister okay I don't want anyone

  living around me I don't want people

  waking me up in the morning my feet

  don't borrow my bucket that's right and

  so my buck you don't fill my bucket

  don't do anything with my bucket what

  part of me wants to put an apartment in

  my yard

  Oh yard apartment would be so bad it

  will be boss but who would I put in

  there what if you just going to go look

  at a map really nice no no I don't mean

  like a Rand McNally map like what if you

  had a really good fucking historical map

  and you could pull open the door and you

  go in there you got your stuff safely

  what if I would be in that thing all

  that well I told you about how I used to

  live in the Attic alive when I was a kid

  yeah it'd be the same thing for me would

  be like looking in attics epic that

  wheels that don't go anywhere I would be

  so into that except for the smell and I

  get the dehumidifier okay second problem

  all right

  and I think this is the main problem

  yeah the door and there's only one door

  to the GMC RV it does not help by its

  feature not a bug it has one door the

  door faces the house if the RV is nose

  in but I find

  nose in parking aesthetically unpleasing

  hmm I want rear in I want to

  back a vehicle in yeah I don't want to

  knows a vehicle in because we have to

  get away that's right yep when it's time

  to whenever see a cop go nose into a

  space at once and then they're dead so

  you don't you know we're always back in

  always back you don't want to be in a

  situation where you can't have a tarp

  and the thing doesn't move that's right

  back you back it in that way if you can

  also defend your perimeter that way if

  God forbid you had to defend against

  about the Steelers in the zombies and

  you had to be in the pilot of this great

  craft you would be able to conduct your

  turret gun with it for pointing out like

  a gentleman huh that's right and and the

  problem is if it's back in then the

  front door faces Patrick's yard now and

  Patrick's yard is full of but parts from

  his like sewer reconstruction business

  it's me it's not appealing I planted a

  hedge of photo but the sewer

  reconstruction business I have a hedge

  of photinia but it hasn't grown up

  enough and when it finally does I love

  that band and the hedge of photinia Oh

  God the shoegaze fans were so good at

  dream they open for mission to Burma

  that was really yeah go back to your

  list what else you got these are these

  are new leader this is real reader mail

  otherwise

  see yourself getting back in to it or is

  there a little voice do you have a

  little voice I bet you got a little bit

  this don't answer it I see you soon as

  you see you are being is a is an

  activity for someone just slightly older

  than me and maybe a little maybe

  significantly should wait you should

  wait and I you know when I got into it I

  thought I would go to these RV

  conventions and it'd be full like super

  foxy people who were all like like in

  the night you'd hear the doors open and

  people tiptoeing between RVs you know

  like I'm here like it was there was a

  whole I I hoped it was a community and

  in fact it's a community going this

  swing a little bit or something fun

  right but in the main way but like I got

  a nice clean bit of Swing yes it's

  sensual clean it's just healthy I mean

  you know that you're all in RVs you're

  not like weirdos you don't mind a little

  you know you don't mind a little mildew

  on the sill you know Sam but instead

  every everybody everybody in the RV

  community they're just in there painting

  Ronan Minh

  like they're not I imagine them making

  ships

  well ship making sure ships in bottles

  you mean it could be a bottle I don't

  know but I think they can fit ships and

  lots of different things I wouldn't

  constrain the imagination of a GMC RV

  owner I think they are tiptoeing between

  each other's RVs and having sex with

  each other

  but coital sex I think so but they are

  past their prime reproductive years and

  that

  you don't think it's just you don't

  think it's just finger-banging mostly

  now come on guys we're adults here I

  think wow I think it's here

  is there anyone under the person here

  the Janus person you're yelling at you

  think you're the youngest person here

  yell it out

  come on the other anything people who

  are teenagers here okay somebody over

  here was mouth breathing and that's a

  sign of being a teenager I think the

  oxley I scored very well I'm well won't

  migrate average I think there would be

  more female man except the two the

  capital C you're blasting the co here

  the copilot seat are about as far apart

  as these two seats you say you have to

  really be like making a big big right

  yeah but everything everything behind

  the cockpit converts from something to

  something else and that's just a dream

  space of imagination for the finger

  blaster in your life you could you could

  be sitting listen you could just hear me

  out you could be sitting there having a

  perfectly serviceable homemade meal at

  that table you flip the fucking table

  over your legs are up in the air and

  everybody's getting finger but right in

  the back in the back is that a bench

  sure it's a bench guess what I closed

  the door now it's a bedroom right in

  here in here come in here I had some

  french onion onion soup I go on a blast

  a tutor and guess what it turns it stuff

  on now it's a shower come on in full

  fingerblast this is a blast off from

  every zone in this place you should

  leave no surface on blasted it's a thing

  that we don't get I'm ready this fog up

  the fucking windows right in other

  countries there are bathrooms that that

  are small and turn into showers yeah and

  we don't have that very much in the

  United States but we mean it like in

  like a normal house in just your

  apartment right the bathroom is small

  and there's a drain in the floor and

  it's also a shower but I don't know if

  anyone in the room has ever taken a

  shower while you were also taking a shit

  but it's two different or are willing to

  admit it two different usages of the

  word take yeah and and neither one

  really the the normal one which is like

  to take to take a drink they both say

  that they're gonna leave they're gonna

  leave a shit you're gonna yeah

  you're gonna offer a shit but also like

  you're not it's not just that you're

  taking the shower right you're like it's

  called respecting the Royals yeah but

  it's a great experience I highly

  recommend it to everybody

  it's ATO like this really stands up with

  the sandwich during sex it's that same

  kind of thing if you could do more than

  one thing at a time in that bathroom

  shouldn't you you know just so many

  options

  it's already little bit of mildew smell

  oh it's like a meatball in the bathtub

  well when you told me there were balls I

  was all thinking about your table I have

  a desk I made up my own design oh won't

  you sign it with your tiny pen

  finger-blasting oh I could do this all

  night it's stop laughing or I will I'll

  scrape the mildew from your window see

  you come smell my drapes

  I would I would go to this show if you

  did just a one-man off-broadway thing

  where you just there's somebody in here

  one day is gonna accent be somewhere be

  a little bit high please listen to some

  of my programs and pretty girls make

  graves this song by the Smiths is gonna

  come on the radio and they're gonna have

  a lot of problems

  listener Matt how he says if we're going

  to join John and collecting Filson bags

  what's a good price range on eBay for a

  weekend sized Filson duffel bag and what

  was the best era of Filson bag years to

  look for answer any or all parts that

  you want a phony award-winner this is

  all gravy this is super difficult for me

  because I hate to be up to do like free

  advertising for this brand but I also

  feel like yeah I've kind of given myself

  this like they could do a lot more for

  you know you see me having a Filson bag

  right now they do a lot is reflective of

  my life I don't have a Phil sin bag

  the thing about this is the curious

  thing about Phil some bags for those of

  you who are curious they are not

  actually an old thing Filson made

  jackets and vests and shirts black pants

  and boots

  pants yeah and then in the 90s

  someone at the Filson company said what

  if we made luggage I thought that that

  person was going in surprise but in fact

  they were just preparing to cough and

  that is the appropriate reaction to this

  story it's very dull so anyway Matt Matt

  Howie when you're just a little bit

  lighter he's so good at GMC RVs here's

  what's my remember there was a time I

  had an anecdote about bags the bags at

  the time were quite unusual in the sense

  that they were neither particularly old

  or demonstrable inu and the frost of the

  anecdote was it there in light of the

  bargain but now I'm there was a band

  called the gits

  the kids did not have the bags I believe

  in yeah yeah I'm going to do my eBay

  store this year and I'm going to sell

  I'm going to sell my all listener Julie

  says what's up with the eBay store yeah

  I'm gonna sell so much stuff on there

  it's gonna be amazing if you are an

  extra large or know someone who is or

  one or or want to be like someone in the

  90s who's wearing clothes that were too

  big for them huh or you want some bags

  or you want some handed Ronan bags for

  the extra-large right where you want

  alike nesting dolls of different Russian

  premiers my eBay store is gonna be the

  thing for you and I think it's called I

  don't know what it's called you got a

  name on the account thing at some point

  is it super it was Morgan Morgan Morgan

  Morgan rides frickin hahaha that's it

  that's catchy

  yes good do you remember the story

  behind Morgan rides free uh tell me

  again when I was Freight hot I come up

  with some kind of clever URL that you

  could redirect Morgan rides for you URL

  [Music]

  any town USA one two three four five

  when I was a teenager and I first

  started hopping freights there were

  still old men who wrote their handles in

  chalk or in charcoal on the trains

  they'd ridden like you know Bob's your

  uncle was you know like March for hope a

  little little Kilroy Was Here

  noses and stuff like that and I needed a

  handle and I didn't have a good one and

  it was before I could really brand

  things very well

  yeah I'm not still not very good at

  branding things hence the name of this

  Morgan my my middle name is Morgan it is

  I was super into riding free both free

  on these trains that don't cost money

  because you're I've been so much worse

  that could be so much shittier Roderick

  is blazed yeah and there are hobo

  handles like that like there are 420

  who'll Tod 420 but but then and then I

  tried to shorten it to Murph

  MRF Murph like Murph and that wasn't

  good and RF MRF Murph earth it could be

  because it's icy it fix it fix it again

  Tony capital and lowercase U and then

  Morgan Morgan uber rides free and then

  and then some then I was in a like a

  briefly in a hip hop community where

  there was a lot of tagging going on and

  there was a suggestion that I needed a

  tag and so they they decided that my tag

  was eggs because I was an egghead and so

  I was eggs but and so the nose ox I know

  and then I saw a really really bad and I

  was out trying to tag things with a

  sharpie as like eggs to draw a

  photorealistic a the thing is that

  nice ones over medium much hit it

  through long if you look at the if you

  look at the history of tags and hip-hop

  you will see that the people don't use

  the letter G very often because it's not

  very smooth like there's not a cool

  smooth way to it's like trying to get

  the app switcher on your iPhone 10 yeah

  right like if you've got gesture like if

  you've got a spray can and you're doing

  a that's really nice like even a bee but

  like G kind of ends and so I started

  doing those G's that are like little

  circle big circle and kind of trying to

  make him look like eggs like a 14 year

  old girl yeah but then but then I

  realized that that was really egg headed

  of me and I was living up to my name

  that's right but there's no good we I

  need a lot of time for our D focusing on

  Suzie

  first of all does anybody have things

  that they would like to oh sure there

  are a lot of questions well I want to

  make sure I don't cut the scene but have

  things they would like to ask John this

  could be very very short oh well why

  don't we bring up the help well let me

  let me just maybe one more you pick you

  pick here's your options o listener

  Shannon wants to know how the house

  renovations are coming they're fine

  I thought for a while that I had bats

  are I had rats in the walls again and I

  couldn't figure out how they were

  getting in and then I realized I had

  bats no rats dispensed had bats in the

  Attic and they got in because one it's

  not Castle tats no it's bad it's bats

  and I and I realized that that Psalm

  when I asked him to plug the hole that I

  knew was next to the was next to the

  chimney psalm told me that he had but he

  hadn't because it's a real game of

  whack-a-mole with song

  yes he's something fairly specific over

  here and he goes around the corner he's

  got a different thing yeah I didn't go

  up with the Tanners gutter ladders that

  it would take to get up there to say

  like no this hole and so he didn't plug

  in and now bats are coming in that's a

  good I don't think oh yeah did you find

  out where he peed Psalm no I think he

  peed in the feta nia over by a show of

  hands for anybody who doesn't okay

  listen here's the thing John had Psalm

  coming out to his house for about eight

  years he came out almost every day

  sometimes he wouldn't show up for six

  weeks song came out to his house as his

  contractor friend and companion it was

  kind of like a Green Hornet and Kato

  type situation show of hands

  psalm never peed the entire time he was

  ever at the house clapping I'm pretty

  cold on that that's good okay okay all

  right you know god bless you

  other show hands saw I'm just fuckin

  ruin that yard with P show of hands

  it just stands so easy no I don't think

  so

  you think there's something in his

  makeup at being ping-pong you see

  there's something about something says

  in this line you do not cross you do not

  pee on this on this territory you think

  he just knew I was respect

  it's like Henry Hill as a teenager psalm

  escaped from the killing fields of

  Cambodia and found his way we had to pee

  really bad his way through Thailand to

  my house to all the way to fixing my

  porch and and lying to me about the hole

  in the roof I'm pretty sure that Psalm

  can hold his pee for six hours but also

  the fact that I have bats and not rats

  is now inhibiting me adopting veto

  because vetoes that kind of kung-fu veto

  was a rat killer oh and oh this is this

  is how the cat the cat okay I don't know

  if you know this but it's illegal to

  kill bats in the United States

  you see illegal to kill bats in the

  United States that federal you can't I

  see USC type situation does anybody know

  what laws or a battle here

  to the appellate court Robin I'm the

  real bat lawyer I'm not gonna bury

  another bat lawyer uh we should get to

  the questions there was a second there

  was a big request actually from a guest

  of yours hears that you talk about the

  Hitchhiker's Guide to the galaxy movie

  but we probably don't have time for that

  the person the the thing when you said

  what should we talk about was you they

  wanted me to talk about that

  Hitchhiker's Guide to the galaxy movie

  listener 20:49 says honestly the only

  thing comes to mind was the airport John

  was about to give his opinion on the

  Hitchhiker's Guide to the galaxy movie

  before changing topics and never coming

  back to it we have a hard out at 9:30

  right this is one of the that story The

  Hitchhiker's Guide to the galaxy story

  is one of the real long tale Roderick on

  the line stories it's gonna come back

  eventually okay we'll come back to that

  well we should we should probably you

  know might like my wife and daughter are

  reading that right now are they it's a

  wonderful book it's a very good book I

  get to the third book it's not funny

  anymore

  all right I want to take questions

  because I know there are some

  enthusiastic ones yeah but Mike or

  should we no no just yell oh that was

  gone I there's a lot of turnover in the

  neighborhood no I have never had the

  house that I still I did LSD in college

  and it was a bad idea and then I did LSD

  again and again and I said it so much of

  the LSD and I really regret it cuz

  there's times when I have things

  happening in my life that I think are

  real and that was a lot like that day

  with the Chinese food but I was there

  yeah you say you were there that's true

  this is exactly what I expect from Lucy

  I feel like they went back back to Alpha

  Centauri yeah how the hell if not having

  a lobster on that you know what they did

  they were like we need to learn to make

  tea and then we come back I think well I

  think what they said is like let's chow

  let's just kind of float this on a

  couple obviously this place is going to

  be a training ground for teaching Grey's

  she kind of mostly pretend right that

  they that they that their normals hence

  the looks anybody else have another

  question anyone it's okay if you don't

  don't

  or you know ma'am there on the side does

  John have a favorite piece of hate mail

  and if so what is it well just thinking

  about that eyelid this is not asked to

  meet you rating yeah no go ahead there's

  new kind of favorite genre I think I

  think this is a spin-off of Twitter as a

  genre and my new favorite is just when

  anybody is such a fan of what I do that

  they take the time to reach out to me

  for the first time with a grievance and

  a hostility and it's just it's so nice

  to find out that somebody is a fan it's

  not even it's not even a shit sandwich

  is the shit shit which of just how

  terribly disappointed they are such a

  fan for 15 years and really I just can't

  even anymore that's a nice that's a nice

  Jean Ron it's nice to disappoint people

  you haven't met yet and then find out

  later my favorite piece of email

  actually was generated here in San

  Francisco

  oh by I know in fact I think you were so

  proud I think it was Sacramento it

  actually came from because I

  hi I played a show with the with my band

  the long winters at the independent a

  club here and yeah that was that right

  and that was the show where I came out

  at the beginning of the show playing

  like a big electric guitar soul which we

  usually save for the end of the show and

  in the course of playing my dramatic

  excellent guitar solo I fell backwards

  over my amplifier into a hole created by

  drums and amplifier part no stage area

  yeah there were some cars back there

  which I landed on breaking one in half

  and then still the band kept playing cuz

  they know what to do when you say it

  happened in slow motion

  it doesn't really capture how long it

  took for this to happen it was not an

  easy fall it was not like a dead wood

  help me with my fall fall this is more

  like it's like crunch with my feet oh

  the only thing visible is my feet up in

  the air but from behind they call that

  the annual exam I can I continued to

  solo and then flopped over climbed up

  got back to the front of the stage still

  playing guitar the band was still

  playing I was like yeah right and at

  that time I had really long hair and I

  was missing a front tooth as you do and

  I got a letter from a woman who said I

  am a really big fan of your band I

  really love your record when I pretend

  to fall this is the first time I ever

  son came to see you play reaching out

  and you had so little respect for the

  audience to come out so stinking drunk

  at which point you know and this at this

  point I had been sober 17 years sit

  still very disrespectful and then she

  said and you proceeded to play every

  song different from the album and you

  did all this talking about God no

  chemtrails and whatever else

  and like why didn't you just put on a

  professional show I'm really

  disillusioned what did you say well I

  was like that's the show what's in the

  show is in the shows it's true

  okay one more yeah okay we got a gal

  question somebody that really feel

  strong

  Oh album coming that's great that's

  great thank you I really I really was

  hoping someone would ask more question

  that is not one that's trying to kill me

  yes