Roderick on the Line

Ep. 277: "Old Sauce"


  this episode of Roderick Online was

  recorded on Monday January 22nd 2018

  it's a good hi Marilyn

  how's it going slow slow slow though

  mm-hmm is my tempo mm yeah me too I had

  a migraine last night Oh Merlin yes yes

  I'm sorry oh you know I'd complain but

  who'd listen me I I ate the booger I

  I've discovered that I I really enjoy

  some herbal teas like a celestial

  Seasonings so I've been drinking a lot

  of that and apparently I think I

  neglected to drink anything with

  caffeine in it all day yesterday Oh

  which I didn't notice until about nine

  o'clock last night Oh

  nine o'clock headache you'll clear right

  up I'll just go to bed o-genki

  oopsy doopsy I woke up at midnight no

  yeah no but you know it'sit's sometimes

  I can talk myself out of it I'm no John

  Roderick but sometimes I can say to

  myself I am feeling this pain but the

  pain is not going to bother me I will

  just feel the pain as a thing and I'm

  not gonna let it trouble me mmm I want

  power through this mm-hmm porunn power

  through this I will be mellow about this

  and not stress about this and that will

  be okay mm-hmm and I eventually got to

  sleep it worked it kind of works I mean

  I got up and I did the usual thing of

  like you don't don't they don't stay in

  bed if you can't sleep so I got up when

  I took a shower took a hot shower and

  I'm Monet did this like oh yeah and I

  put it on that special thunderous

  setting you know where hits you hard on

  the neck yeah sometimes if you got a

  normal headache that can actually help a

  lot because I think part of it is when

  you're feeling this is super interesting

  whenever you got like a pain or a

  headache or something I think your body

  overcompensates and tightens up and then

  that just makes it worse yeah yeah but

  you don't experience pain oh I could see

  you choosing to just not allow it

  the other the other day when you and I

  saw each other recently a while back the

  day came out I'm sure yeah somewhere

  back in the day back in the day was

  where we were phony award-winning

  podcasters it was right about the time

  okay yeah I felt like I was gonna throw

  up I felt like I was gonna throw up the

  entire day and and I refused to allow it

  I refused to some submit and then at the

  end of the day I did anyway have some

  throw-ups this is to the fact that your

  wonderful daughter had thrown up all

  over you that's right it's the gift that

  keeps on giving

  60 good hours and then I woke up the

  entire floor of your hotel room so you

  know I can fight it but then an O in it

  you know it was terrible

  also it's not just like that I that I

  passionately threw up yeah but you and I

  had a similar last night not not that I

  had a headache but in the middle of the

  night two o'clock in the morning I said

  I'm hungry and of course I wasn't hmm

  you were sleeping is what you were yeah

  but I was like I'm in the state that I

  was in I I came downstairs

  I found one hamburger bun that was

  frozen I took to Nathan's Famous hot

  dogs i microwaved the the collection of

  these things I sliced the hotdogs down

  the middle so they had a flat side and

  then I cut him in half so that they were


  Lynette's wiener ads I piled him on top

  of this hamburger bun covered the whole

  lot with a slice of Swiss cheese

  microwaved it again just for good

  measure milk cheese and I started eating

  my ham buy a hot dog burger and my front

  tooth broke out oh come on your special

  tooth yeah so now I'm sitting here oh

  yeah and I well you know and I thought

  maybe if I go to sleep yeah but in fact

  now I have to deal with this today Oh

  John yeah and I I'm I'm hilariously

  lisping but I know I don't really notice

  it except when you're making a joke

  about it yeah but there's a tiny little

  sip sibilance okay little fib along you

  know that's so sad you're such a warrior

  you're like the Magellan of meats like

  you're so good I'd like just getting out

  there and saying like I'm just gonna do

  some stuff with food and see what

  happens you're really you get in there a

  lot of people are saying yeah I don't

  have a proper meal here it seems to me

  that you are you should be rewarded for

  your ability to cobble together a

  delicious super snack out of whatever's

  available and I salute you for that I'm

  sorry your tooth fell short for that

  yeah well like the writing was on the

  wall it was it had been a long time

  since I'd had that tooth repaired and

  honestly my dentist now wants to affect

  a permanent solution just continuing

  continuing resolution till February and

  we'll be fine big man like you with that

  sound it's really cute yeah did you did

  you make it quickly okay first of all

  fuck Dennis but also you know they

  always got a plan he's got a plan for

  your life he's got a plan they got a

  plan they see you they see you as a

  handful of teeth of the checkbook you

  know fuck those guys but

  not including all the dentists that

  listen to this show though you know you

  can pay him in dental corner you were of

  dental Oy it's a new coin for the dental

  industry denta coin did I mention this

  to you already

  does it also rise and fall with the wind

  can I get rich on dental corn nobody's

  getting rich on coin so the tooth has

  been so you've had a surrogate tooth for

  a pretty long time right long time now

  ten years yeah so that so there's that

  time when you had your long

  rock-and-roll hair and the missing tooth

  and you just went with it not a lot with

  it the whole tooth was gone at that

  point right yep okay and then at some

  point you used to come to the big tooth

  and you went ahead and got your thing

  put back in what's the what's the I

  don't know what's the lifetime of a

  replacement tooth how often do you need

  to get it dealt with well it's a great

  question I mean like for example do you

  know when the clock is ticking do you

  get a warning sign this is getting loose

  this is getting wobbly so the way that

  my tooth is is fastened in there is nah

  not I I think when my dentist goes to

  her continuing education classes where

  she gets together with all the other

  dentists and they talk about all their

  new technologies yeah she probably does

  not pull up a slide where she says and

  in this case this guy won't make a

  decision and so I have super glued this

  tooth in between the other two

  19:40 stick he won't wear a pontiff

  which is a kind of like to thinking

  pontiff or whatever a Pontic uh-huh he

  won't wear one he refuses to mm-hmm he

  won't he refuses this all the surgeries

  and now increasingly he has refused to

  just get a like a bridge like a like an

  old like an old person would that's

  where they say if I understand that

  correctly I mean cuz my wife's been

  through some of this you know she had

  the jaw surgery that was like so

  involved and involved two things and gum

  things and she's still getting gum

  grafts and all this kind of stuff like

  they want to really get in there they

  want to make you into like a cyborg

  they would put like screws in your head

  and shit right oh yeah they wanna you

  know they want to get their saws out and

  cut my cut my whole thing apart yeah I

  mean remake me the crazy thing is that

  if you go to most doctors and say my

  knee is killing me I want to get a fake

  knee I want to get a robot knee right

  the doctors say look slow your roll we

  got other options here well and yeah and

  the consensus seems to be until your

  thing until your natural thing actually

  fails the no matter how good a job we do

  the fake thing is never gonna be as good

  and complication-free

  as even a badly working natural thing


  so don't fuck with it it's like an old

  car I'm in some ways right where like if

  you start replacing parts willy-nilly

  you don't know what you're undoing with

  each thing that you're doing yeah I have

  a my best friend from high school has

  had back problems for a long time and

  thank goodness that I have never had

  back problems oh yeah I don't know about

  you know I feel so I feel that's one

  where I feel so fortunate my mom had

  chronic neck and back problems through

  my whole youth and she was just

  miserable the whole time of course I

  thought it was because she was old and

  had done something wrong I really was

  your body gets fucked up yeah on my pal

  his back went out I was with him when it

  happened he was 20 for the first time

  and you know and he couldn't I mean I

  had to carry him and it was traumatic

  for us both but he has been suffering

  with this back problem his whole life

  and and you know I

  I've gotten away scot-free I'm pretty

  I'm pretty big and I I worried that my

  back was gonna be was gonna you know be

  in trouble but

  I he called me earlier this year and

  said just wanted to call I hadn't talked

  to you in a while I'm going into surgery

  I'm having this major back surgery and

  it involved like going in through the

  front and the back and putting all this

  stuff in there and and you know but he

  was like I'm at the point now where by

  not getting it done I'm I'm having nerve

  damage to my feet you know I might not

  and then it's a whole spinal column

  thing yeah and even then he called me

  then a couple of weeks later and he was

  like we're holding off and it's because

  the the rate of success is like it's not

  that it's low it's just that you just

  enter into a whole other world where you

  can't go back to not having at the

  surgery but in the dental world my

  goodness they are very very enthusiastic

  about these men these major surgeries

  that involve your entire face and I've

  never had anybody say and I've talked to

  a lot of people about it it's not just

  one person never had anybody say well

  you know whatever problem you're having

  it's probably gonna be in the long run

  less of a big deal than sawing your face

  in half and grafting it together with

  titanium bolts and you know don't worry

  we've got that all fake it's a very

  personal area we're like a little kid

  and you have a loose tooth and how it

  like even when it's just loose let alone

  like close to coming out it changes the

  way you feel like the way that you bite

  the way your whole face feels yeah and

  they're very careful here about saying

  well we got a whole program we can go

  through here I learned about any

  newsletter there's a whole thing you saw

  your face in half we put in some screws

  and then your life will be you know

  different yeah I told I told you I mean

  the the shocker for me was that for

  years and years they'd been saying we're

  gonna break your lower jaw saw some

  piece of it out and move your lower jaw

  back so that it fits with your yes my

  lady had done

  right man when she was in that state you

  saw that one time I don't she was that's

  a hell of a thing

  massive thing she was really laid up is

  that right I don't know that is no my

  teeth just comes straight on - ha

  there's no over I got like a raptor yeah

  the over-under is that I am just like a

  yeah like a like a Wolf Trap and and I

  guess one of the things of course is

  that your teeth do wear whereas your you

  know like I well honestly that's the

  story of getting old everything wears

  here's my my knee creaks because it's

  just wearing out just like your car does

  not start an infinite number of times

  every if you if you're the kind of nerd

  that I am you know that when you buy a

  laptop and you turn it on and you go and

  look at the battery information your

  laptop is rated for 1000 charges but if

  you think about it in terms of like

  years you go oh I think this thing

  should be good for three four five years

  we think about in terms of after 1,000

  charges I'm off the reservation this

  thing just may not work anymore and then

  pretty soon you get like Donald Trump

  you start stressing in your body's a

  battery and you should ride and ride in

  a car when you play golf every time you

  start your car that's one less time your

  car will start yep yep

  every time I bite into a late night hot

  dog sandwich it's you know there's not

  an infinite number of those in my future

  oh sure I mean that's the thing when

  you're young you think like you got hot

  dogs am just stretching to infinity well

  let's think how many more times am I

  gonna make that sandwich I know I know I


  in my life how many how many times will

  I be in a position where I will be

  allowed to make that sandwich you ever

  calculate how many Saturdays you get

  before your kid stops liking you don't

  do it but-but-but the term of the

  terminal moment with the dentist's was

  the time I went in to talk to a

  specialist and he was this like

  he was a diminutive man with a big white

  sort of Einstein haircut who drove a

  Porsche 911 which is how you know you

  have got a good dentist and and I think

  he was probably wearing driving shoes

  and maybe even driving gloves and he

  said he said and I was like wow you know

  everybody wants to break my jaw move it

  backward and he laughed at me as though

  that was my idea right and he was like

  let me ask you a question what what do

  you think happens when you when you like

  move a jaw back does it does it improve

  your airflow or what it constrict your

  airflow and I'm like it's just a I

  didn't know there was gonna be a test

  Yeah right

  I have no dog in this race why don't you

  tell me and he was like no no we don't

  do that anymore we don't move the jaw

  back because it just makes your airway

  more constricted and I was like I don't

  like the sound of us constricted airway

  he says exactly

  he said now we cut the your top palate

  off and then it improves your that

  sounds so much if it's the top and not

  the bottom my gosh Wow how could you

  refuse like yeah Wow a piece of pizza

  too fast and my palates ruined for three

  days they were just moving forward my

  airflow of you greatly improved they

  wouldn't get mouth meat anymore oh but

  this you know like in the and I think

  this is true of all the surgeries right

  in the back surgery world there are

  people walking around or maybe not

  walking around whose backs were or were

  operated on thirty five years ago and

  they put they put like two big metal

  bars in there and screwed it together

  put gaffers tape around it and stand

  together with drywall screws and

  nowadays they go in and you know they

  they they whistle while they work and

  they put some fiber-optic cable in there

  and you've got CCTV and it's a whole

  different game but it doesn't make you

  feel like

  this is the other problem of Technology

  right where you feel like now the

  technology of right now the top forward

  technology right now is as good as a

  thing is gonna get mm-hmm but what do

  you do you get back surgery and then six

  weeks later somebody puts up a slide at

  the continuing education dinner and says

  we've figured it out never do that again

  let me introduce you to patients 35

  fuck-all about medicine but it's always

  seemed so strange to me the way that

  drug trials work especially when it

  comes to something like like a

  life-saving drug like an AIDS drug or a

  cancer drug and the only as I understand

  it the only really scientifically valid

  way is to have a test group in a control

  group yeah so like half of the people

  getting it are getting you know a sugar

  pill yeah because that's what you got to

  do for the science but like when you go

  in you got the guy with the Porsche and

  the driving shoes it kind of feels like

  this guy is gonna be on my side this guy

  has the great state of the art

  technologies but then it just comes down

  to like I don't know Star Trek versus

  Star Wars people and like oh you know no

  this is definitely the way this is

  definitely the way you you don't want it

  you don't want to get with this off the

  bottom half guys those guys are

  hucksters off the top top train it's

  like the Dead Kennedys say you know one

  thing's fixed and the other falls apart

  Jesus Christ Wow huh jello so right now

  trust your mechanic you know what I'm

  saying trust your mechanic this episode

  of Roderick on the line is brought to

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  for supporting Roderick on the line and

  all the great shows I typically as you

  know try and go through this you know

  life on this on this big bloop Big Blue

  Marble in space by relying on as few

  things as I can right I don't try and I

  try not to rely on technology I try not

  to rely on comfort you talked about this

  a great deal in the past it feels like a

  lot of it a lot of it comes down to like

  your will and wanting to make sure that

  you can get by but you said rather

  candidly that you want to limit the

  number of things that might go away

  after an apocalypse and you'd have no

  way to get it back now what not now you

  know you're hooked on jaw surgery for

  the rest of your life a buck is to trade

  for that I mean I there are I'm sure all

  kinds of benefits that attend someone

  who attaches themselves like attach

  themselves to hoses and eels like John

  Travolta in know in spaceship earth oh

  okay we're like the guy from Dillon

  Channing that movie where he's a pod boy

  we've got

  houses in him he's got the neck thing

  yeah big guy with the hoses in the neck

  face hoses the neck thing I needs a

  battery for a robot planet until they

  figure out all this is the matrix red

  pill red pill red pill mental if you

  want if you want a battery pack for a

  robot planet I'm sure you get a lot of

  good stuff I know the surgery is gonna

  be good free land put this thing in the

  back of your neck it's gonna be really

  it's a yeah right like just put your

  credit card information in just you know

  like scan your iris the free try and

  then when you drive around town every

  time you get a ticket for running or a

  yellow light it take it'll go right to

  your bank account you don't even have to

  think about it that's right we'll just

  capture all the data yeah so good for

  you isn't that convenient

  but I tried to like limit the number of

  those particularly the ones where the

  the ones that people do voluntarily

  without thinking about it like I've got

  it I've got a conditioner that works

  with my hair and it costs whatever cost

  seventy dollars but if I don't have my

  conditioner than my hair just doesn't

  let's let's tear the veil away a lot of

  people shampoo and condition way too

  much whoa oh yeah yes they do if you I

  don't want to take you off your story

  but I'm here to tell you if you get off

  that particular merry-go-round you'll

  discover that you can mostly wash your

  hair about once a week and you'll do way

  better because you know what it is it's

  like Carmex for your head you're you're

  drawing out all the things that your

  head would do naturally and now you're

  addicted you're addicted to Neutrogena

  yeah don't put Carmex on your head tap

  with carbon technology no no the thing

  is now you know now you're just a slide

  in slide show you're top of mind for him

  your healthcare is top of mind for the

  German driving dentist yeah he's just

  he's just knock him down he can see

  those fighter planes mm-hmm but so I try

  to limit that stuff but the problem is

  at a certain point

  right here I am I'm sitting I'm I'm a

  man in his forties and I have a missing

  tooth today and there is a better

  solution there is a better solution and

  that solution is to get something

  slightly more permanent yeah now I have

  I was putting my little pills in my

  little pill box today mm-hmm

  because once I started taking my pill

  for my bipolar and I discovered that it

  worked for me and it was a medication

  that I actually endorsed then then

  another doctor who had been saying to me

  for a long time you have high blood

  pressure you have hypertension is what

  they say and I was like yeah yeah yeah

  just the same as I had said about

  everything that every time surprise

  surprise another doctor who has a

  diagnosis about what's wrong with me and

  so I was like all right what's the story

  you know now I'm taking this one

  medication what's the story with this

  high blood pressure and he and the dad

  know then I switched it all over to the

  lady doctor that had yelled at me about

  bipolar and I was like you're my new

  doctor I want you to tell me I want you

  to yell me about everything because

  you're good at it she passed muster

  right she did and she said to me I don't

  think I yelled at you before I think you

  I think your story has become inflated

  Sheila's a nice oh yeah okay and I said

  you absolutely did I I marked it down in

  my book of quotations in your mind

  Palace and she was like I don't know

  that doesn't sound like me and I was

  like it sounds exactly like you listen

  to you now into her analysis of how

  things are going like if anything else

  needs to be put into your tiny pill box

  yeah you have hypertension you need to

  take this pill so I took it it was just

  a you know it's just a diary you got a

  diuretic it's just like drinking coffee

  okay and she was like yeah okay it's

  doing okay but now you need to take a

  second one because a lot of times we

  don't get it on the first pass you need

  to take two I was like okay you know

  what you're you're a doctor lady you're

  thrown pills at me that's

  you know I'm not fighting you anymore so

  now I got those two that I put into so

  then I was like well shit now I need a

  pillbox um what about ya

  and I went and I looked because I wanted

  a cool pillbox old lady pillboxes and

  having embroidery on it you install or

  something fucking steampunk you know

  what the big type on it that's like

  Monday morning Monday afternoon I'm not

  one of those I wanted something cool and

  every day in my freaking Instagram feed

  some ad pops up for something that's

  like dude well and it's a but you know

  like order a box and it's got a knife

  and a hatchet and mustache wax and like

  you know like all this crap that nobody

  needs that's like sandalwood Kipple box

  they send you stuff you don't need you

  subscribe to that you get another eel

  now you're getting a free bar well not

  free you're getting a subsidized box of

  shit every month yeah it's leather Kerry

  John asked Yulin sometimes yeah it's for

  daily care everybody carries that what

  they call it yeah well there is some

  there's there's aspects of everyday

  carry but if something's coming every

  month that means you're presumably

  changing your everyday carrier don't

  give you a bandolier one give you a

  Chewbacca belt yeah and I feel like your

  everyday carry people your you know yeah

  the ones that are real scientific about

  it they don't want a new thing every

  month they want to hone it down to like

  the fishing line that can also be used

  as a garrote you can also be used as

  like like a radio for finding freshwater

  yeah you do is you do a Gorka you get

  maybe a couple pistols a knife and a

  tourniquet yeah and a divining and a

  divining or defining a wire that you

  could also use for a curette a divining

  rod wire right you can use to escape to

  see you know if you throw it you could

  bind an adversary find an adversary

  there it is

  every day yeah you want to have one I

  have a knife which is also a hatchet but

  which is also something that you can

  hook up onto a roof and that knife rely

  on fucking Bluetooth no it doesn't it

  does not no no no no you have an

  untethered hatchet

  that's right but I'm looking at these

  things and I'm saying all right where's

  the you know like where's the bespoke

  pill box yeah that's what I want right

  now I want a pill box here's what I want


  I want two weeks worth of little doors

  so that's fourteen of them fourteen

  little submarine torpedo tube doors

  Monday to Sunday Monday to Sunday Monday

  to Sunday that's sitting up you know

  it's not torpedo tubes it's like an ICBM

  it's like a like a missile submarine

  okay they're 14 doors on the top okay

  each one each one's got a missile in it

  okay I want it to be small enough to

  throw in a bag when not notice it I want

  it to be and so I wanted to have kind of

  round edges I don't want it like too


  okay I want the doors to help me

  disabuse me here part of it is you're

  trying to avoid the stuff that you see

  near the magnifying glasses at Walgreens

  I don't want it to be like a rainbow

  colored plastic okay I want it to be

  something cool that's the individual

  right that belongs to me

  and I and so I've been out looking at

  it's like old apothecary things an old

  drugstore stuff and like you know

  searching all the weird bins for to

  repurpose a thing that has 14 doors

  because that's my favorite very creative

  way to approach it the 14 doors yes

  that's what I'm trying to that's what

  I'm trying to accomplish and I wouldn't

  mind if it was silver mm-hmm and had a

  little blast that's the top return I am

  getting when I search for a cool pill

  case or a box yep I'm seeing a nice

  looking silver one I'm seeing a lot that

  look like fruit one that's got a Cthulhu

  on it yeah I don't want that okay but I

  want to be able to see into the little

  containers because you want to know

  which ones are full and which ones are

  empty you forget what day it is that's

  right which happens to me every single

  day but I want it to be you know I want

  the when the doors are closed I want

  them to stay closed when the doors are

  open I want them to stay open mm-hmm so

  I want this and I'm searching everywhere

  and nobody's making artisanal pill cases

  because I guess the artisanal people are

  all 38 and they're not they're not

  taking 15 pills and their knees don't

  hurt anyway then so I had these I had

  three pills going on and then I was like

  well I live in Seattle in the wintertime

  I get a better throw some vitamin D in

  there since I'm taking pills anyway

  you could probably do us in b12 too well

  then I put a put a big bee bee in there

  except I try and get B in there I feel

  like I should take a bee I've heard that

  bees are good for people like me you

  know back in the day before I was taking

  all these pills I would throw out

  sometimes to buy a bottle of B and take

  it and I it it worked it made me feel


  okay huh how's your mood right yeah yeah

  yeah it does and then uh and then about

  a year ago a year and a half ago

  millennium girlfriend started taking

  Elysium Elysium

  now come on that sounds like a science

  fiction thing you remember Elysium

  Elysium believe you should I asked my

  doctor if Elysium is right for me I

  don't think you should talk to your dog

  is it a new puppet the thing is that the

  more people know about Elysium unless

  there is for us well I think that's

  right because Elysium leas iam will

  allow you to live forever oh yeah

  because it binds to your neuro toxins

  and it takes your health of ease and it

  turns him into alpha C's analyses are

  what you need

  alpha C's are what plants crave it comes

  down to the alphas you gotta switch your

  office sure and that and what happens is

  if you get in there and get your beta

  blockers that will like anti oxidize

  your your you know your neural net

  cancerboys well and what it does is it

  takes your block chain breaks me see it

  breaks the RNA okay and converts it into

  RNP it changes the dispensation to

  ladder chain exactly okay I'm funny here

  Elysium health live healthier for longer

  with science that's right and Elysium so

  Elysium was this miracle pill that came

  out that was and part of their

  stratagems mmm

  word that they had all these scientists

  they got all these Nobel scientists to

  send a lot of white guys and ties and

  you were like will you endorse this will

  you endorse this and all the scientists

  were like yeah sure sure

  sounds like good science

  and they were there a bunch of guy a

  bunch of these scientists on their board

  of directors they actually put them on

  the board no these guys look like

  potatoes with eyeglasses so when they

  land they all won the Fields Medal and

  and that's why they're so mad at Matt

  Damon that's because he won't just to

  the mansion oh no he won't do the math

  because they won the Fields Medal for

  crying out loud okay

  so okay this stuff this Elysium

  I'm losing track a little bit here so

  you got you've got your you've got your

  brain pill your lady doctor gave you

  yeah you've got a blood pressure pill -

  blood pressure field - so up to three

  pills one of them is a little a little

  pink pill and one of them is a little

  very strange little mustard colored pill


  oh they're different kinds you're on a

  cocktail yep yep drink no so there's

  three there's three pills and I threw a

  D in there and then I threw a B in there

  okay all right thrown the D I threw the

  d3 I threw in Deez Nuts once anyway so

  then I'm then I'm hearing this elysium

  talk around them you know that this is

  the this is the pillow talk that I had a

  certain point this is what we're talking

  about around the breakfast case we're

  talking hanging out with Generation snap

  yeah Elysium yeah they're buying glasses

  from from vending machines yep that's

  right get a knife from the Elysium

  Elysium is one of these things where you

  it's like a it's like a every pill costs

  a dollar or every pill cost two dollars

  or something like that but what price

  for life yeah what price Merlin no no

  there's how do you put a price on

  eternity how many extra Saturdays do you

  want while your daughter still likes all

  I mean the roughest the problem is

  that's a finite number they might be a

  pill to reboot her at some point I'm

  hoping I think what happens is you get a

  bunch of Saturdays after she stops

  liking you yeah that's where the that's

  where the extra Saturdays come and

  that's not necessarily where you want

  them okay no okay you want getting

  front-loaded okay so at this point

  you're up - well now wait a minute so I

  wasn't entirely on board with the

  Elysium okay but I mean you worked we're

  up to three or four five ish by five

  arrests five pills okay

  oh okay so before the Elysium my mom

  came to me and said I'm taking these

  pills which are good for your joints is

  it closed min chondroitin yes and I said

  what evidence do you have these are good

  for the joint

  I think dr. Oz likes it and she said

  there is no evidence that it's good for

  the joints but I take them on faith huh

  okay because it's made out of them these

  pills are made out of the collagen that

  we use in the joints in the joints so if

  you had more of it anywhere to go is it

  like repairing the ladder DNA it knows

  where to go it seeks out the joint areas

  and then replenishes none like some kind

  of a supply mission this is what we

  don't know but if you give your body

  more of this stuff it can hurt I mean

  what's it gonna do it's what you pee it

  away it's like a vitamin C for your

  joints you know or the little dudes and

  hardhats that live inside your body that

  move like eyebeams around okay are gonna

  be like we got some more that's right

  exactly was a little sergeant-major

  that's like put that in there cuz I got

  this bum knees that I got when I jumped

  off the Billy out the outfield wall at

  RFK Stadium during a Grateful Dead

  concert in 1990 oh and this is unrelated

  so when you fell off that piece of

  equipment at the dump it's a completely

  unrelated this is a bad knee that goes

  all the way back to 1990 okay it's

  basically Jerry Garcia's seog bad knee

  yep that's right and so why not because

  when I go to the doctor about the bad

  knee and I'm like eyelet knee is kind of

  killing me the doctor says you don't

  want to do a knee surgery until you have

  to like oh so what you're saying is I

  wrap an ace bandage around it and I

  pretend everything's fine taut and the

  doctor says wrap an ace bandage around

  it you don't have to pretend it's fine


  maybe you pee him out maybe you don't

  but what you know what do you want to do

  is it's a dollar a day how many

  Saturdays do you want right right anyway

  so I look up I look at this amazing

  house I could get turned against you Oh

  everything gets turned against you yeah

  that's how they get you that's how they

  so the man who if memory serves I

  brought you theraflu one time and you

  didn't want to take you or deathly

  deathly ill you had to show a great

  American you were very very sick I think

  I brought you some ephedrine and a

  theraflu and you didn't want either one

  because you doesn't like to put that

  stuff in your body well what happens

  with the theraflu hmm back in 1991 when

  I knew a lot of junkies I knew more

  junkies in 1991 than I know now sir it

  was I know I I think that that might

  have been peak junkie although I the

  thing is now I know Seattle I think in

  West Virginia they're doing pretty good

  right now

  well that's right it's all flipped

  around yeah back then being a junkie was

  the thing that you did if you were now

  it's just if you're living in if you're

  living in West Virginia and you're

  working on cars we got to talk about

  that someday that is so fucked up it's

  really terrible every time I read about

  I'm more completely freaked out it's a

  crime against humanity it's sickening

  that you don't think about when you

  think about the CIA and the government

  intervening in populations you think

  about them putting aids into the gay

  community or you think yeah right yeah

  you do not think about are you it isn't

  typically thought of as a concern as

  they concede you one paragraph I

  screenshot yesterday did have the heart

  to post it but this is I think I want to

  say from Washington Post article I

  forget this one paragraph that just had

  me back on my heels the epidemic has

  also made some pharmaceutical companies

  very rich no a real barrier to getting

  the industry to buy into change okay

  hang on sales of prescription opioids

  almost quadrupled between 1999 and 2014

  you know Forex in 15 years as the number

  of prescriptions soared

  by 2010 there were more than eight

  opioid prescriptions for every ten

  people for Purdue Pharma the makers of

  oxycontin have sold more than 25

  buh-buh-buh billion dollars worth of the

  drug in the past decade hmm Jesus Christ

  so you're not on that right now as far

  as you know if you gave if you backed up

  the oxycontin truck

  and you poured that stuff in you know

  and you gave me as much as I could take

  yeah I would a take zero but if you gave

  me if you forced me to have it in my

  house I would take it out I'd dump it in

  the pool and little office and let the

  worms figure it out somewhere downstream

  some fish in Lake Washington like whoa

  start chasing the dragon I don't want it

  I don't want it around yeah you ever not

  - yeah and and the thing is then the

  junkies that I knew back in the 90s were

  like shooting shooting up that was how

  you were a junkie been like needle based

  heroin the whole thing you cook it there

  in your spoon you do that you do the do

  you and then if you're lucky you don't

  die sitting on a toilet at the that's

  the you know the Cafe Roma and make the

  employees try and force the door open

  and then call the ambulance and then the

  cafes that sucks

  well they don't make them it's just like

  who the hell you know it's the employee

  that's like knock knock knock are you

  done in there hello managers in back

  shooting up he's got other people into

  the toilet exactly okay now now what I

  know I do know a lot of junkies now but

  they're all these maintenance junkies

  where they're like I'm not a junkie I

  just have to take these pills for

  anxiety and pain yeah it's like ah fuck

  your 48 years old and you're fucking

  strung out yeah tell it to the robot

  apocalypse I mean you want to talk about

  an eel yeah no shit the ultra eel I

  struggle with it I struggle with it yeah

  I don't want to be back on it so hard

  that I think about the apocalypse

  everybody wants it you know it's not you

  know it's hard it's not that it's easy

  to not do it yeah it's fucking awful and

  then you know plus or minus five pills

  well the thing is the reason I don't

  take theraflu is that the junkies back

  in 1991 used to huddle around their

  little fucking Bic lighter fire and say

  to each other

  the secret junkie language that I that I

  learned epidemic they would say when you

  can't get junk and you're starting to

  like get the bads you're starting to get

  some pts there

  flew theraflu if you take theraflu it

  takes the edge off yeah

  you drink there you shoot it no you

  don't shoot it my god I could see people

  suffering people love snorting things

  yeah I think it would drink you drink it

  bye bye quelling the flu : food like


  it takes down your heebie-jeebie bats

  that's right it's called it it's that

  that should have been that should have

  been there other what when there's sound

  it's like label usage yeah you want you

  want to say their slogan should have

  been theraflu takes the edge off and so

  I started to think in the early 90s that

  theraflu was powerful medicine because

  if it is helping that if it's helping

  those creepy crawlies yeah if it's

  helping the feeling that like flies are

  burrowing in your arms then it's

  probably stronger than I need one I've

  got a cold so I typically only employ

  theraflu when it's like alright I don't

  even give a shit anymore if I ended up

  on oxycontin because of this whatever

  fine drug I'm so freakin sick right now

  I don't care anyway so I'm up five pills


  but then the Elysium thing feels like

  it's just got it's just they spent a lot

  of money on the logo and the label there

  it seems like a executive drug if you

  know what I'm saying oh yeah that's what

  they call know it tropics where these

  whole class of Unicom drugs it could be

  herbs it could be some kind of all these

  things that have very little to zero

  FDA evidence of everything and that goes

  back to like the st. John's wort the

  ginseng like all of these things that

  have this rap for doing a certain thing

  you got all the where they call the

  homoerotic so what are the ones that

  don't do anything like the asila cockney

  what are you ready call as homeopathic

  well you know you P go to Germany and

  you tell those people that they don't do

  anything they're gonna get real mad at

  you you know there's a big lawsuit over

  st. John's wort there wasn't there

  didn't they then they crack it down the

  thing about the Germans and you know we

  don't know well you know they're hard on

  Scientology so well and that's the thing

  like if you're if you are mad about

  Scientology not not being a real

  religion yeah but you

  that the that the cure for an allergic

  reaction is to give you a micro dose of

  fucking you know collagen fly wings I

  feel like you got it you got it easy too

  much to do the real homeopathy the

  smaller the doses the more effective it


  you have pseudoscience I you know they

  don't let you take they don't they don't

  let you take f adran now for where your

  bad nose sniffles in Germany because

  they think it's a controlled substance

  but they give you some you know they

  give you some tincture of like monkey

  sweat yeah and they think like oh this

  is the real this is the real cure you

  got to get with the program Germans

  invented aspirin you know they pioneered

  most of the drugs that we use now a day

  over then in the Germany at first I

  thought you said germs invented aspirin

  and I was wrong this is a new theory I

  had not heard no no I don't believe in

  germ theory okay so you're up to five

  you got 70 pills a week and you're

  saying yeah you Elysium are you hearing

  the so let me you're back with

  millennium girlfriend back in the day

  and were you persuaded to give Elysium a

  throw so like with my mom's magic

  collagen pill I went and did some

  separate research and the research

  around and the collagen pill has on the

  label like this is not we are not at all

  saying that this does anything but you

  know but if as long as we have said that

  we're also gonna say this is amazing

  and with Elysium it was a thing where

  they had this substance which was called

  n ad plus 90 plus NID NAD+ which is

  nicotinamide something something

  something nicotinamide something

  something something plus plus and

  nicotinamide is pretty easy and cheap to

  get but if you combine it with some

  other things an A and a D there's some

  kind of die mix it against any nicotine

  in my diet you get this this stuff and

  then you had a plus on the end

  and it turned out this is the amazing

  thing about the story it turned out that

  there's only one company in the country

  that makes NAD+ and Elysium gets their

  NAD+ from this same company that

  everybody else does because there's only

  one company that makes it oh they're

  just white labeling something that's

  almost a commodity yeah Elysium

  commercial bespoke formula No

  okay no they just discovered Elysium

  'he's discovered that it did this other

  amazing stuff those all the 50 nobel

  scientists all were the ones that were


  and i think they combined it with a

  separate a second ingredient so so it's

  not just nad plus its nad plus plus

  that's the plus it's some kind of plus

  it's the other plus it's the reason that

  japanese-made i've been as tube

  screamers sound better than

  american-made i beneath korean-made i

  because because the plus plus okay

  hippie to a second ingredient that's

  right it has a diode

  okay that's second diode there's light

  emitting so I said well if the active

  ingredient in Elysium is nad plus why

  don't I just get my nad plus from the

  bulk supplier and the answer to that you

  know the pillow-talk answer was well

  Elysium is something else and basically

  like don't fight city hall it's got all

  these it's got all these scientists the

  design of this jar it's it's very very

  modern sure you put that on your counter

  and people say why did I go up with like

  a Whole Foods plastic bag full of powder

  is cool what's it called basis by

  elysium have that sit on your desk or

  sorry I can't raise Hotelling desk or

  your standing desk or your units like

  it's sitting on your desk right next to

  your like five five steel ball clacker


  you have nap cubes go take a nap in I

  actually asked a person who had nap

  cubes in their office does anybody ever

  go and take a nap in there and they're

  like what no you would be definitely I'm

  looked at askance if you went in there

  and took a nap

  yeah trap a lobster trap they're gonna

  see which kind of who the dopes that

  grab a beer out of the copiously stocked

  a fridge and who the people who actually

  use the NAP cube we told you to please

  use yeah that's right if I worked in an

  office I would use that NAP cube twice a

  day and the person I was talking to is

  like you would be fired it's like it's

  right there it says nap cube on it right

  and and they were like oh you doesn't

  say pivot E box search we're encouraged

  that PAP cubes but no one ever goes

  anywhere close yeah anyway so I decided

  I was gonna start taking I didn't want

  to get left behind it's a thing when

  Matt Damon goes up to the to the Elysium

  and starts kicking ass with all the

  people that are living in a in a

  terrarium up in up in wall-e super

  spaceship I didn't want to be the one

  that I don't believe I'm gonna picture

  do like Google for then does he have a

  science spine in that is that what that


  whoo yeah he has a science spine and

  looks like he's got a GoPro in the back

  of his head okay

  because in the future everybody has a

  science spine and everybody is a karate

  master but they all live they all live

  down on earth in like Johannesburg while

  this bet while the specials live up in

  Elysium in like the wall-e thing except

  they're not they're not chubby okay the

  wall we knew they got peloton or like

  one of those things up there the well

  the thing is I think they're taking in a

  B D plus plus it's got any D plus yeah

  so I was like look I'm not gonna sit

  here and watch you take a Liam every day

  and not also do it but I don't want to

  be I'm calling would that be for her to

  outlive you well and things she's

  already younger than me I now she's got

  she's got an edge so I wanted all the

  Saturdays I wanted more Saturdays so I

  started taking nad well

  then so that goes in the pillbox and

  then I was when I started taking the

  bipolar medicine I started to feel like

  I wasn't remembering certain

  conversation thinkable over a couple of

  gingko biloba what is taken oh so so I

  went online

  uh-huh everything I get is online yeah I

  went on that's the biggest deal of all

  online your than oxycontin online is

  your big deal they're gonna raise your

  price on prime you can be so mad they're

  like guess what prime is born I didn't

  want it in the print place I paid more

  for it now yeah now I got to watch 40

  movies a week just to pay it off so oh

  yeah an Hodgman gave me clear clear

  which lets you go through the airports

  without talking to anybody

  alright but you passed that on is it

  like nobility do you yeah you have to be

  like you have somebody that knows you

  they vouch for you yeah United but then

  the way Claire works is after you've had

  it for a while on yeah if you've had

  Hodgman clear then they're like we build

  your account for your payment for clear

  they pay for it you pay you big house

  would you keep out the smokes

  yeah you're keeping Snorks out who don't

  who don't have the money to pay for it

  nobody else would being clear I want to

  clear the woman didn't even she walked

  past she gave she gave the Heisman to

  the TSA guy she's like she was like this

  guy's with me and she walked me right up

  to the pret Upton thing and I was just

  like whoa yeah okay one day I feel like

  I'm gonna get in that clear line and

  instead of putting me on the flight that

  I'm taking to Atlanta it's gonna put me

  on a flight to Elysium and they're just

  gonna say don't worry about it with this

  you're not going to Atlanta anymore cuz

  Atlanta doesn't exist we're going up but

  the problem with it is if you amateur

  eyes it

  you gotta fly 40 times to make it seem

  like it's real all jiminy would you play

  would you pay $10 to not have to put

  your gruel should be more like an

  airport lounge where if you can go in

  like there's been times when I'm like

  shit yeah I'll pay 50 bucks to sit in

  this place for two hours

  you'd not be with the Snorks but I

  wouldn't want to have to be charged for

  it every month if I'm not using I'll you

  get charged you get charged huh the

  number of times I fly a year it's right

  at the line where it's like I'm paying

  $15 per time I fly no now is that

  there'll be one time when that is a

  hundred and fifty thousand percent worth

  it right and then a bunch of times when

  maybe they're letting you know they do

  the freebie days where the Snorks get to

  go through you've seen that it's clear

  but there's the one where you get to go

  to one of the special lines like oh yeah

  today free trial you get to go through

  the special line over here because we're

  not very busy today no no that's not

  gonna be clear cuz clear requires

  clearly wants you to do a retinal scan

  and all this okay all right you have to

  be you know you have to be willing to

  endure you have to be willing to wear

  your privilege on your sleeve if you're

  going to go through cure or clear

  there's no better place to wear

  privilege if you've not though at an

  airport yes that's a perfect place for

  privilege oh that's true too but if

  you're at the airport and you're looking

  over there and there's a guy there's a

  guy with a corncob pipe and he's got two

  chickens on his shoulders and he's like

  The Simpsons the Seinfeld music and I I

  was I got dropped off by my lift uh-huh

  and I was sitting at the gate in six


  but terminal terminal 1 terminal is that

  open again yeah that's the

  yeah they got a big like Calder mobile

  no they don't but they should it's the

  type of thing where they keep them

  straight I think United is 3 well

  there's international which is totally


  that's where version is I don't fly

  United and I think one used to be the

  odds and sods one and I think they

  really did it

  ok all right you did it it is that's a

  six minutes is insane it's insane

  it's almost like how it used to be to go

  to the airport just right use login you

  get here's my bags could be anything in

  there I don't know walk on through give

  you say hot sam back in the day when my

  dad would walk me down to the gate yes

  on the plane and play with the person

  and just say on the strength I promise

  to get off the plane yeah yeah yeah will

  they be like all right everybody that's

  not flying get off the plane now my god

  be like alright here's the drink on the

  way out here's a check for your mother

  don't lose it like my dad would walk me

  down to the gate sometimes and they'd be

  like oh we've closed the gate and the

  jetway is pulled away and my dad would

  say I'm Dave Roderick let me tell you

  why you need to bring the jetway back to

  the plane and they'd be like all right I

  mean that happened more than once if we

  bring the jetway fact we withhold here

  at some point your millennium girlfriend

  had gotten you on to the Elysium so I'm

  taking an 8020 bus but then I started to

  I started to like people would say well

  I remember you when you were talking to

  that girl and you said this and I was I

  remember right what do you mean and my

  memory is is like a big part of um yes

  my self-identity it's your brand I mean

  I know I remember I remember things and

  all of a sudden the thing is I still

  could tell you all about the Grateful

  Dead concert where I broke my knee but I

  couldn't remember having met this person

  a week and a half ago and it's it

  spooked me and so I went on maybe maybe

  it retards ate part of my saying here

  retards aging by losing memories so you

  feel like you're younger right right or

  you just throw your lef encumbered by

  the weight of metal it's like a clear

  line for experience

  I didn't want that no and so I go online

  and you know if you if you look at the

  contraindications of drugs they all say

  the same thing which is this drug may

  may give you the following symptoms

  which is every conceivable symptom that

  you could feel as a human being like

  memory loss or you might not be able to

  hold your poo in well there's always a

  diarrhea headache yeah and then but

  there's one like I've watched too much

  NBC which is increasingly making me

  realize what an old person network is

  because it's all old person ads but I'll

  be like you know uh salon tricks treats

  do not take if you're allergic to

  cilantro excellent tricks may cause

  suicidal ideations like really right

  right so in Turks might make your

  mustache fall off so there's a lot of

  things I can ukulele music one of the

  things that they said on the line was

  they said yes if you take lamictal

  lamotrigine the limit to lamotrigine i

  used to well it may affect your memory

  but the thing that helps your memory it

  may also the black box warning indicates

  you might also get a deadly skin rash oh

  that's right and that's the bad stuff

  because every once and every once in a

  blue mood somebody is taking lamictal or

  lamotrigine in their skin falls off oh

  my shrink who is like he was like a 9r

  and like psychiatrist he would give me

  anything but he's like look look in my

  eyes seriously be very you're gonna

  start with like 1/10 of a pill we'll try

  that for a week then we'll go to like

  1/8 of a pill like this is this stuff it

  is serious and it will hit you fast if

  you if you end up being one of the

  people it's a black box warnings one of

  those rare things that's like high

  really big warning you will die if you

  take this wrong you'll die in a really

  bad way your skin will fall off which is

  a bet your skin died yes if you have to

  lose one thing your skin shouldn't be it

  memory serves its on label for epilepsy

  if he serves an off-label for I got a

  from mood stabilization

  yeah well and the mood stabilization was

  the thing that they had they hadn't

  approved for epilepsy and then it was

  just one of those like licking the toad

  in the Amazon rainforest touching such

  patients since they're like wait a

  minute all these people that had both

  severe epilepsy or severe seizures let's

  call them and also seem to be bipolar

  wow look at this

  they're not sad anymore and they're not

  they didn't gamble their house away this

  week which is a big improvement for them

  no they lost is their skin

  no they lost is their skin

  as you see my largest organ so so I go

  online and they're like if you are

  suffering from memory loss from taking

  lamictal the thing that works is if you

  take an AC plus or minus

  just regular Prime it's NEC prime MA see

  there's no plus or minus it's like an

  asset island Castaway salons they're

  doing a lot of work in those letters

  they are NAC not an on crash test

  dummies plus and so I was like well this

  is confusing because I'm already taking

  NAD+ are you telling me I'm taking NEC

  now to to to stave off the memory loss

  from taking lamictal lamotrigine and you

  know oh this is how they get you yeah so

  I said all right

  shit shit dawg I got a pill case now

  that is the size of a Honda Civic it's

  got 14 doors I'm just throwing pills in


  so I ordered some NAC and the problem is

  as soon as the NAC showed up they both

  have because they don't have Elysium

  style labels they just have whatever

  junk junk style labels when I run out of

  one of them I can't remember whether

  it's the NAC or the nad oh no no I very

  different no they look but is it just

  see I take a bunch of stuff that's just

  like white stuff in a capsule yeah along

  that's what this is and it just looks

  like German tinctures right because

  neither one of them is like is is FDA

  approved for any I mean yeah you know I

  think is approved for asthma attacks

  yeah but it also restores your memory

  and nad+ is basically like a placebo

  that makes you think you're gonna live

  on a speech you need a really good tilt

  case is what you need I do what

  basically I need one that's a fanny


  step but strapped to my leg like like

  Tomb Raider I'm feeling a little bit

  memory weird

  Kapow my memory might be better but I'm

  not sure I'll stop taking it down that's

  the other thing with the limit tellers

  yeah taper off - don't don't do that

  don't and sometimes I forget and then

  it's like oh boy it's been a whole day

  but apparently it stays in your body for

  like a couple of days so you don't have

  to freak out your skin won't fall off

  yeah but with any D when you go online

  you're like I want some NAD+ I'm looking

  on Amazon right now they have a life

  extension brand NAD+ cell cell

  regenerator Unicode nicotine gum I read

  both side I was liven Radley Slavin it's

  yeah reiben flavin was my roommate in


  so the problem with NAD+ is that all

  those things on Amazon so I went on

  right and I was like what's the optimal

  dosage of NAD+ and they were like well

  you can take up to 500 milligrams but we

  think you pee out the last 200 of that

  so the so the ideal dosage of this thing

  that we don't know what it does is add

  250 milligrams a day not sure sounds

  that sounds about right that's what I

  would have guessed yeah yeah but a lot

  of the bottles that you buy because I

  don't want to sit be taking this stuff

  all day a lot of these lobbies come in

  125 we might have to double up which I

  hate this is how they get you your order

  from Amazon you get it on Prime and now

  it's not gonna fit a goddamn pillbox

  getting the pillbox from Amazon and I

  was just raised their prices give me a

  fucking break I thought at one time and

  it was like you know something like 50

  doses 250 milligrams and it came and

  then I turned the bottle over and read

  it more carefully and it was like

  service emphasized to serving sides -

  yeah and I was just like oh I want you

  to die a thousand deaths a few people

  with your fake labels like just make a

  two hundred fifty milligram pills I know

  you can

  yeah so make the whole plane out of nad

  that's right right I so I took I have to

  take another 45 minutes going and

  searching all these things to find out

  which one is

  pill container you better hope you don't

  mix them up or have a little spill uh-uh

  nowhere well in every single one of them

  is slightly different size or slightly

  different color so I I kind of know what

  their what they're doing but now I'm

  taking a bunch of pills that's like as

  big as a bird's nest like I feel like

  I'm eating four blue eggs a day can I

  say just on the toss this out hi this is

  not on you I feel like it might be a

  little bit of a constraint of your

  imagination cuz your thing about pillbox

  what if we take it from a different

  angle what about more like a tackle box

  the tackle box or maybe like a like an

  artist's supply box yeah very cool art

  of supply boxes it's gotta fit in a

  small bag well but see what the amount

  of things you're taking you might need

  another bag you might be spoke pill

  Filson this is the thing I'm afraid of

  because first of all I don't know if

  some of these oh and then because I'm

  taking a B in the D I figured why not

  throw a fish oil pill in there God is

  the size of Moscow give me an update

  account where you are on a daily basis

  how many was talking about you some

  talking about like nine pills or nine

  pills and I don't know which ones

  counteract which ones some of them

  you're not supposed to drink grapefruit

  juice yeah this one over here says

  there's no soup like I don't get a

  project manager for your life you end up

  being the de-facto project manager for

  all the pills you put in your face and

  how are you doing now you're not a

  physician when all these things are like

  these aren't these aren't prescription

  drugs these are just shit I find it's

  cool there's no lethal dose right except

  what happens I mean like if I sat down

  with the pharmacologist

  which is what they call them and I said

  all right here's all the pills what do

  you think of this yeah they're gonna get

  into your interactions and agonism and

  whatnot yeah and are they gonna say like

  well nine out of ten of these pills are

  just in that one fish oil because that's

  all we any of us really need just take

  one fish oil pill a day

  say if you take this little little pill

  for your heart yeah and this big pill

  for living on a spaceship yeah the two

  are going to combine to

  to turn into a right close I'll abide Oh

  like a healthful Tron or something you

  know something is that gonna is that

  gonna bounce off the free radicals brian

  says synergism synergy well one plus one

  is 158 that kind of thing I can't win a

  fraction what's the opposite of synergy

  like is he a great man is he you know

  like does he does he ride the lightning

  has he ever seen the the fucking c-beams

  glitter off the Tannhauser game like no

  I don't want it working John I can tell

  the pills are working you're lousy with

  Elysium so one so what I need is

  basically a thing that when I sit down

  at the little desk in my hook in my like

  miserable hotel yes because sometimes

  when I'm feeling brave I'm like I'm

  gonna eat all these pills in one gulp oh

  no no no that's gonna put on your

  trachea I throw them all in there and I

  drink this big glass water I'm like yeah

  but then that voice in my head that's

  one in all the Saturdays is like what

  happens you know like all your cool rock

  star friends all die box cotton

  overdoses yeah what happens if you're

  the one that chokes on a fish oil pill

  like that's gonna that's a bad look on

  you you you know like don't die young

  because you're like brave about taking a

  bunch of like like me boy Billy Joel

  writes a song about you it's gonna be so

  sad don't do that that's not that's not

  beef so now I take him in three gulps

  okay but you know I just I feel like

  such a duck like a ding-a-ling

  yeah it's mm I went from no pill to nine

  pills yeah and it was just like pill

  escalation because I was taking one that

  helped and who knows I mean who knows if

  I do if I wean myself off all of those

  if there's gonna if there's apocalypse


  like and I'm out living a living in the


  am I gonna be am I gonna wean off all

  these things and then my skin falls off

  oh and here's the thing is like death

  stuff may seem to be doing

  something or nothing so you're not worse

  off but in like what happens when the

  apocalypse comes and suddenly daddy got

  no lamictal how's that gonna go oh well

  good put some in your survival bucket I

  figured out a way around that but I'm

  not gonna tell everybody but I

  definitely feel like look this whole

  business of people that take

  prescriptions which is you're basically

  tied to the doctor and the drugstore so

  it's a whole system yeah for me for me

  that meant having to go to my shrink

  once a month pick up a paper

  prescription you're walking into a

  drugstore have them give me the side eye

  and then give me exactly 30 days worth

  of pills yeah exactly 30 days exactly

  yeah it's like this is not a drug you

  can abuse there is no secondary market

  for you can't sell it on the street

  okay so my license to get fucking

  claritin-d and that's what for pimples

  no no no no no that's from my from a

  breathing first oh yeah you can get that

  Charlie Brown shit off the shelf but if

  you want stuff that actually works and

  maybe gives you a little bit energy you

  want the claritin-d behind the counter

  and they give you the side-eye well keep

  walking outside I I don't want any side

  eye and also I did not like being

  tethered to this 30-day thing no no no

  you're in the teeth of the gears at this

  point my friend well I'm like what

  happens if I go offline what happens if

  I go in the in the hole you know what if

  you lose the Bitcoin wallet it has all

  your prescriptions on it exactly what

  are you gonna do then it's what happens

  if the walgreens closes what happens if

  all Walgreens closed once they break the

  blockchain what if the blockchain breaks

  them nothing there are no bipolars and

  foxholes you know what you need to do I

  think is you need to come up with an

  honest you've been very forthcoming

  today and for that I respect to you you

  need to call with a spec you know to

  paraphrase Donald Rumsfeld it you the

  pillbox that you want that you would

  desire you need to say this I need this

  many cubic millimeters of space for my

  at this point probably 13 pills a day

  you need to give that a closure what you

  want to look like if you want to have a

  theme like maybe like a Donald Duck

  thing and you need to put that out in

  front of Generation supertrain and see

  what they can come up with because we

  know people as you know as you know we

  know people with 3d printers

  we know makers we know there's a makers

  faire and they could make you the pill

  box of your dreams well you saw the duck

  that lost its feet that got plastic feet

  from a 3d printer there's nothing we

  can't print anymore John you can I mean

  you could probably pretty bitcoins me

  I'd look duck with plastic feet you know

  what I mean like I want a steampunk pill

  case but I want it to look like yeah I

  wanted to look like wild wild west from

  the sixties not wild wild west from the

  night we watched Ocean's eleven last

  night and which i think is a pretty good

  movie it's okay yeah but it's got a lot

  of the thing you like Don Cheadle

  setting aside his really really quite

  bad English accent god no it's so but

  there are a lot of guys who have a cool

  metal suitcase with film in it and

  compartments is that in a direction you

  would consider going I do like that but

  the but the problem is I don't want

  first of all if I'm gonna handcuff

  something to my wrists I want it to be

  the football yeah Jewish girl well so

  because you get to clear well you gotta

  get through clear but also like this has

  all got to be you know everything's got

  to be on the DL you've gotta look like

  you're just sitting there like

  recalibrating the phone yeah you don't

  want to look like you're going anywhere

  doing anything and and so you can't like

  be carrying a football you can't be you

  can't be handcuffed to a girl right you

  know like that's the spin you got a

  football or biscuit or a girl in a chain

  that's the kind of thing that raises

  eyebrows even in ClearType situation

  that's why you're paying the big bucks

  well it's got a first of all it's got to

  be mental handcuffs right a man takes a

  look that takes that's gonna take a

  months but but what I you know what I

  I feel like I feel like the secret here

  I mean I went on I went to the Canadia

  mm-hmm because sometimes Canadia just

  like Germania they have different

  attitudes about drugs and they're like

  drugs are so cheap sure you want to get

  a 3 3 3 give it mmm

  our 2 2 2 or a 5 5 5 or 110-120 whatever

  it takes and so but they feel the same

  way about lamictal

  or they don't poor they don't feel any

  way about it

  but I couldn't go up there and buy a big

  bin yeah up um because they're all so

  like now you got to be tethered to these

  mm-hmm but that's that's that's not the

  key I wanted Johnny the problem is I

  don't like to buy into this but don't

  email me but the generic is not always

  the same as the brand like be careful my

  shrink told me there were cases in and

  he's not believing like I said he was a

  libertarian he doesn't sweat this kind

  of stuff but like it was like he's had

  people like call him up in a pretty bad

  way oh where he basically was Destin did

  you just stop taking the X that I gave

  you and it turns out they were on the

  generic na I wasn't doing what it's

  supposed to it's not super well

  regulated ro you might want to put down

  you know couple extra bitcoins and get

  the good lamictal for some of that

  all right oh wait a minute I don't get

  the good stuff anymore cuz I got because

  I was like uh I don't know why I care

  about saving the insurance company money

  yeah I should just be getting the

  gold-plated you got a big heart that's

  part of the problem you know I think you

  should get some help from our listeners

  you should tell them what it is that

  you're looking for the style that you're

  looking for people know your personal

  aesthetic right you've gone into

  pilsen and said you want a purple bag I

  think you could do that with our

  listeners I'm not I don't want to put

  you on along the line here as they say

  but like you you could probably get some

  help making a very very cool very very

  cool case the thing about it is that old

  apothecary stuff is made out of glass

  but I like to be able to use my bag as a

  pillow and so I can't have it's not

  something where I've got a hard case

  suitcase with wheels on it and I walk

  through the

  and I walked through the airport like

  some kind of flight attendant like I've

  got a thing that if if push comes to

  shove I want to be able to like I

  suppose with a hardshell suitcase if you

  if push comes to shove and you bail out

  of an airplane on top of a glacier you

  can ride that suitcase down to the end

  of the glacier but that's not what I

  want what I want right is the ability to

  first of all use it as a pillow maybe

  use it as a water bag I don't know to be

  wet I don't oh it could be a weapon it

  could be a defensive weapon it could be

  like a shield I think more than anything

  I want to be prepared for time travel if

  I walk through a temporal anomaly and it

  transports me back to 1810 I don't want

  to be standing there with some bag right

  that looks like a that looks like a

  plastic turtle I want to be able to say

  like 19th century I bro it sure will and

  so I don't want my pill case to be the

  thing that gives me away I see I but in

  the olden times it would either I want

  to be able to see into it so it would

  either be made of glass or maybe like

  super thin tortoiseshell maybe I'm like

  a really rich person and they care for

  this yeah it's made out of amber or

  something or amber grief or amber curry

  right it's made of honey I don't know

  what it is steampunk I feel like

  steampunk gives you so many options for

  eras it does it does and and I'm you

  know like in my steampunk adjacent no I

  would not say no I'm never gonna wear

  goggles I do not want gauges on anything

  but do and I'm certainly not gonna wear

  a duster we've covered that too started

  wearing one no I'm good I got the memo a

  long time ago yeah but do you know

  you're not in a John Woo movie get over

  it I'm not in a John Woo movie but if

  you look at if you look at Han Solo yes

  han Solo take the blaster away mm-hmm

  well lady could go anywhere replace it

  with a pistol a no anyway he could be in

  the regiment of almost any country at

  almost any time yeah he'd be an officer


  almost any military he'd walk right up

  to d'Artagnan and say need another

  musketeer yes right he could go he could

  be anywhere he could do anything he

  could be he could be where could he be

  he could be could walk up to st.

  Augustine and say I forgot my tie can I

  can I come in I confess right right so I

  feel like Han Solo is it it should be a

  good place to start

  can you can you pull out oh I forget if

  we talked about this how are you as a

  vest can you do a vest so I've started

  as a vest is a tough thing to pull off

  I've started to try to pretend that I'm

  not fat and oh and one of the like you

  could do the Andrew Dice Clay thing

  where you cut your sideburns to look

  like a jawline okay but that doesn't be

  trying to be like a forced perspective

  thing on your face yeah it's the George

  Lucas problem Oh dear me no right well

  it's like you might have been 3d printed


  well his beard certainly is yes you know

  it's the dewlap it's didn't anybody with

  where you trim that thing he's still

  gonna do that look like the strap of a

  1940's football helmet it's a classic

  meat beard all right you don't want you

  don't want you don't want your you don't

  want your turkey waddle to stick out

  below your beard because I would you

  wait a minute do that the potato

  fighting a line so close it's like I

  don't understand it okay so you need

  some best okay because I'm like well the

  part of me that I want to conceal is my

  big tummy

  why don't I accentuate it with a garment

  that only is like extra tummy okay but I

  do feel like again there's a fine line

  between like wearing a vest where it's

  like I'm a riverboat gambler and wearing

  a vest where you say I'm a I'm a college

  professor who's taking his jacket off

  yeah being a riverboat gambler versus

  being like something who does card


  perfect right good time Charlie and his

  vest well but I like a wool vest but the

  problem is a wool vest then you're

  talking about a Patagonia here if you

  want so you can like my wife has an

  outfit that I love that is very Han Solo

  she's like sexy Han Solo when she goes

  to work she wears is one outfit I'm like

  wow you look like Han Solo it's really

  she's got a puppy because it puppies not

  that puffy it's Patagonia it's

  pretty small profile but she's got cool

  boots and some pants and she's a real

  smart look you know but I'm talking

  about a Patagonia you're talking about a

  waistcoat yeah I have to be careful

  around a rounded down vest or a puffy

  vest because I do have some I have a

  green puppy vest that dates back to 1975

  and I stole it from my dad in 1981 Wow

  and I still have it it's kind of held

  that held together with duct tape and

  then I have that original purple vest

  that Kel McCarl stole from Gary King

  sporting goods that's a that's a purple

  North Face back when North Face you know

  by a thread before your life and this

  this vest if you if you've jumped out of

  a plane and landed on a glacier you

  could ride that best to the Baja Jemmy

  and I still have both of those things

  and I and I do wear them but like the

  other day I was at a thrift store and I

  found a barb or the vest which is a

  quilted vest that is like it's like a

  fox hunting vest or something like that

  and it was not very it was not very much

  and I was like do I go this way with my

  life and I did I got it and I did go

  that way and the other day I was out

  this is a long time ago when I was at

  the the women's March the pussy hat

  March and I wore my barb or vest

  underneath my other garment and then the

  wind picked up and I had already pre

  protected my daughter with her large

  coat even though she was mad wear a coat

  and I had my barb or quilted vest and I

  felt like I had like I had a secret

  weapon which was an undergarment that

  was under the other eye like their stuff

  well it's really nice but it isn't you

  know they're not giving it away no they


  but it but you know it's like pretty

  nice I've seen the one you're talking

  about it's pretty low profile it's not

  puffy you don't look like you're going

  skiing in the 80s no no no it's very low

  it's it's it's the year mint it's that

  it's that whole English like Country

  Life thing sometimes guys wearing with a

  necktie knits kind of sharp

  you're meant to look like you're not

  meant to look right

  you know like Prince Charles has been

  wearing the same double-breasted jacket

  since 1960 and that's because he's rich

  and so RIS is lucky just he's gonna be

  king any day now that's right I just

  can't wait to be king

  there's a whole website that talks about

  the patches that the British royal

  family has put on their clothes like a

  hankie coat hanky coat oh you know just

  lets you know little about preferences


  no no it's not that it's it's that

  there's a website where the we're you

  know they're all the photographer's that

  are standing around trying to get

  pictures of Emma Thompson when she gets

  out of a car yeah

  but then there are the photographers

  that have really long lenses that are

  just chasing Queen Elizabeth around

  Balmoral Castle okay just trying to get

  pictures of record user yeah and those

  people have these these pictures of like

  like you know Prince Mountbatten or

  whatever and they're like here's a

  picture of him in 1971 wearing this coat

  here's a picture of him in 2015 wearing

  the same exact coat and we zoomed in on

  his cuffs and they've been repaired

  that's old money that's whatever

  understands that is old money old money

  is you get something nice and then you

  keep it around it gets a little bit beat

  up you fix it it's so hot it is I mean

  why do I know that website is there

  because I have gone there and studied

  all these silent years like oh one of

  the one of the brass buttons on Prince

  Charles's jacket doesn't match the

  others like they could they didn't even

  bother to find a matching button it's so

  brilliant but that's where that sort of

  that stuff comes into play because it's

  it's meant to look like it's not meant

  to look and I think that that's pretty

  Han Solo - mm-hmm so your vest curious

  I'm I am yeah I'm vest I'm by vest

  you'll mmm right like I will wear the

  right vest I try hard not to wear the

  wrong vest sometimes it's hard it's a

  commitment you know once you put that on

  you're out of the house for the day

  that's that's why I have like 14

  Stetsons but I've never worn one outside

  because I put it on and I'm wearing it

  I'm wearing it today I walk around the

  house and slike I've got it this is it

  this is it this is I'm going this

  direction and then I get to the front

  door I open the door and you know Gary's

  across the street and I'm like I am NOT

  fucking wearing this Stetson outside and

  one day I feel like when my beard goes

  in completely white which is not that

  long what something happens that I just

  have crossed the line and I'm a vest

  wearing pill-popping geezer either then

  I'm just gonna be like Stetsons I feel

  like you'll know you'll know when it's

  time the beard will the beard tell you

  do you remember in the 90s when you

  would be somewhere and in your case

  you'd be there in your airforce jacket

  with your Henderson with your with your

  with your Dread Pirate Roberts mustache

  and you'd be standing there with your

  bacon ray guitar and some old would be

  at the club would like died oh I know

  that old you know the old oh I know the

  old yeah yeah there's always an old

  sometimes it's a prepper sometimes it's

  a skinhead

  there's always an old there's an old and

  he's standing around with a group of 26

  year olds and he's like what's up fellow

  kids and the elder statesmen know fellow

  teenagers Yeah right and it's and it was

  a bad look and it was - and I remember

  those olds and they were probably 32 I

  know there was a guy in Tampa's name was

  Mike rat and he was an old school skin

  that punk rocker and he was it every

  show and he was like at the time he

  looked 60 he was probably 30 - yeah but

  I was 19 and I was like like well what

  what has happened what had

  happen was yeah styles changed so that

  now it's no longer that the olds are

  like trying to dress young hmm it's that

  all the Youngs are trying to dress old

  moment you know my mom laughs every time

  she opens a catalog because she's like

  every single person in here is dressed

  like you mm-hmm and I'm like no fair

  that's that's not a fair way to put that

  they come up they caught up with me they

  caught up that's right but the problem

  is now you don't have that shirts than

  you've had hot dinners you know same

  dinner but I'm not putting Manic Panic

  in my hair they're putting their they're

  putting like like old sauce on

  themselves right so do I look like an

  old that's standing around trying to be

  a young or do I just look like I always

  looked like that should change you give

  me a break kiddies I'm surrounded by

  ducklings that are wearing fucking

  better that are like carrying a hip

  holster pillboxes now because I talked

  about it on the goddamn show I'm taking

  NAD+ because I want as many Saturdays as

  I can get out of this life

  shit dog