Ep. 285: "Praise Cannon"
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way that their personalities exhibit as
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they grow older like I've been very very
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engaged in her schools from the time she
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first went to schools uh I go to the
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schools is fine these dynamics are super
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interesting they are and what people say
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and with a lot more subtlety than you
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realize sometimes so much subtlety and
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so much like everybody says oh when
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you're you know when you have a daughter
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it's so much easier when they're young
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and then it gets harder when they're
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older and boys are terrible when they're
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young and then they get easier when
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they're teenage that's what they say
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that's what they say and watching it
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unfold like you know there are some
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little boys in her class who are
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profoundly sensitive and though you know
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and this is a modern school in a modern
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school districts like none of the girls
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are being taught to like even subtly
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it's all been routed out right
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none of them are being taught that they
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are anything other than capable leaders
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but you've also got some grams you've
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got grams mm-hmm who are sensitive yeah
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and are not and that sensitivity is not
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being seen or separated from the tails
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who's just won a karate chop every class
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isn't it right and the ten I'm just
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gonna hit this thing with a stick until
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yeah and Tails not dumb I mean you
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talked to Te'o tails a fine young man
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just a thing though yeah if you turn
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around he is he is going to he is gonna
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nunchuck it and Graham has no interest
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in being nunchucks like Graham Scott
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Graham's got thoughts and feelings yeah
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and there isn't right now any any
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corresponding like social engineering
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project to make sure that Graham's like
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Graham's not expressing any kind of yet
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Graham isn't non-binary Graham is just a
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little kid like but like I was who wants
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and stare out the window and he really
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really cares what people how people are
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feeling and there's just you know
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there's not a lot of accommodations for
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that in the system there's not you know
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I mean I'm not pointing to anybody on
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that but that's when in the great
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sorting hat of school that that is know
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well and the thing is if Te'o karate
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chops Graham is gonna say T problem the
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only way that the schools have to deal
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with that right now is to characterize
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that as a bullying incident but it's not
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tale is not bullying Graham Graham is a
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you know very powerful young person who
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is not cowering around tayo tayo is not
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in like tables just Te'o who's karate
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chopping things and Graham is someone
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who like a lot of us don't want to be
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karate chop but don't know exactly how
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to say no you don't know exactly how to
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get through life avoiding being karate
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chopped all at the same time not being
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isolated still being one of the people
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but if you characterize that as bullying
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if Te'o gets branded a bully and Graham
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gets branded the victim of a bully that
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doesn't help at all because it's not the
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dynamic like bullies are a very specific
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small small group of children and their
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behavior is is a specific thing bullying
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is not as this is another social
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engineering thing right bullying is not
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some rampant epidemic that every kid is
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doing to one another like there's a
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bully you can pick the bully out the
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bully is expressing something that's
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going on in his family or her family and
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to you know to grab tail by the shirt
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and say no bullying you know we have a
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no bullying posture or pop whatever yeah
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policy policy well now tails like oh
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shit I'm a bully like all I was doing
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was karate chopping him and grams like
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oh I'm a victim that's not how you want
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Graham to see himself
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so anyway my policy right now is just to
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ride my bike along and part of it is
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that I know I'm not gonna
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I cannot help her and this is a terrible
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admission I can be there but if her
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friends decide to ice her out of a thing
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if they're all playing in a circle on
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the playground and she comes up and says
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what are we doing and they say something
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without you like no amount of advice or
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or my own experience or or my
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intelligence or hers can solve it
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fucking hell right right and help at all
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it's just less it's just a it's an
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endurance test and you know that what a
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day will come when she has friends again
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it may be tomorrow in fact but sometimes
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it's it's it's certainly it's not very
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comforting back to earlier it's not very
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comforting to just say you know
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sometimes life sucks or sometimes this
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is the way things are sometimes there
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are some things I was talking to
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Syracuse about this to go just go a
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little dark for a second we're talking
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about the UM the shooter drills that
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they do in school and like around the
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time after when they were like ramping
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up at various schools many schools were
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like basically doing like more of the
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like less of the like let's hide in the
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closet and more of like let's barricade
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the door kind of stuff and we're talking
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about like you know have you talked to
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your kids about this and I was just
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saying how I find it difficult because
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I'm not sure what like I say this to her
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obviously haven't but like I'm not sure
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what she can do about that I'm not sure
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what I can offer I'm trying to pivot
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like sort of to what you're saying here
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of like well you know sometimes people
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are shady like but like what advice do
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you have to give about hiding her
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somebody with a gun like what do you do
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to advise like everybody in that school
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the phrase that I find myself turning to
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you talk about trying on ideas like a
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everybody's trying stuff out sometimes
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people were trying stuff out maybe some
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days maybe Tia's not being a bully he's
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just trying a different karate chop and
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and that doesn't mean they're gonna
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but sometimes everybody's shitty
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sometimes everybody has a bad day like I
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say they're just you what what makes
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this a true like agent of chaos in our
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lives though is sometimes people are
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doing things that you won't be able to
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understand and you won't be able to
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prevent and I think sometimes I don't
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know how often that is so great as a
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piece of advice especially for a young
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person because if you do that from day
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one you know you just live on a farm and
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have a hardscrabble existence and have
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family dies you just say well shit
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happens but I I mean there's times where
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I'm like I don't really have much to add
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to this apart from saying like sometimes
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really dumb shit happens it's not your
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fault and sometimes it is your fault and
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sometimes dumb shit happens to matter
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what like what what great what great
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like audio-visual slide deck am I gonna
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do to help explain to you that like no
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matter how well you hide in the closet
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it's not gonna stop a guy with a gun you
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here's some advice well and and I guess
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the other thing I'm realizing is because
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I thought I was being wise parent by
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kind of giving her a little bit of the
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like well you know they're they're bad
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people and and people honestly are
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terrible to each other and we try to be
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good to each other or some version of
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that's not terrible it's not except that
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that's all I just get the feeling hmm
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that that is a not comforting and be
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something that cannot really be
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communicated through words yeah comes
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from experience yeah yeah you learn it
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there well that's the other thing that
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we're I mean kind of as an elephant in
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the room is that there are certain kinds
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of advice or observations that are a
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hundred percent pretty much empirically
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true but they are at certain junctions
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in one's life they are neither
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comforting nor useful right even though
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but like how am i what i guess my worry
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is am i filling up the air between us
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with words that mean little or nothing
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to her oh yeah sometimes I just need to
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pedal the bike yeah right that the words
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that because this isn't something I've
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kind of been confronting in my adult
◼
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relationships recently which is wait a
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minute we talked a lot about this thing
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let's say for instance that one of us
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you or I at some point recently had a
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millennium girlfriend huh
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hypothetically we talked a lot about
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things and at the end of talking a lot
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about them it's unclear where we were on
◼
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those things but it was not a case that
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we talked them through and they were
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then solved you know there was always
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some there's always another iteration
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that's in and at a certain point you
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don't want to succumb to a feeling that
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no one can ever change because I don't
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believe that and I know people say it
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then it always sounds why's it always
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►
no one ever changes after they're 12
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years old signed Martin Luther King
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whatever you're like well I don't know
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about that like that's not very hopeful
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and I like to have a little bit of hope
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but also as you have said many times
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when was the last time you changed
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because someone told you you were doing
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it wrong yeah especially at high volume
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right like when was the last time you
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changed it somebody yelled at either you
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word that you were doing it wrong and
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it's absolutely true that's not how you
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change either and so and people people
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write me a lot because I'm publicly like
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a recovering alcoholic and they say Here
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I am I'm in at the front door of rehab
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for the third time like do you have any
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advice can you make can you help me make
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this work and all I can ever say is like
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you'll get sober when you're done and if
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you don't want it enough to make it
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happen like you have to want it that
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rehab doesn't matter your your wife or
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your parents or your boyfriend being
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really concerned about you doesn't
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matter honestly your health doesn't
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matter because if you don't want to stop
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you'll just fucking keep doing it and
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when you want to stop you'll know and
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it's not like when you want to stop it
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suddenly easy it's like when you want to
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stop it will be fucking hard and
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excruciating and you'll do it anyway and
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that's true of change of any kind and so
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in my I mean my unfolding feeling about
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what my relationship with my job as a
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dad is is like am I just trying to
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comfort myself I know I totally I
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totally know filling up the space with
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all these words that mean less than
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something something wisdom yeah right
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something something you'll figure it out
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something something everybody's life is
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hard you know why not just pedal why not
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just pedal your bike for what you're
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what you're offering yeah
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but in terms of your three days alone
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yeah what about lunch she my wife made a
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journalist for me show me each day what
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I should make rage it's wonderful but
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but I also feel like maybe you should
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take that list down and look at should
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go commando is free Tollett I think you
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should just tear that list really slowly
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right down the middle right in front of
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see what happens yeah you and Daddy for
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the next three days we're gonna make
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this we're gonna figure this out so I
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call her into the room I call her into
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the kitchen I look her dead in the eyes
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I do the thing was look to hear mm-hmm
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and then I without even taking my eyes
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away from her I pull a fridge magnet
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falls to the floor I hold up an index
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card and I very slowly tear in half
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we're all gonna die but you know I
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really think that that part of her life
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let's be honest part of her life is
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going to be helping daddy I try to find
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things this is now this is what a what a
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weird sad limp noodle I am is like my
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okay so here's where's one a life hack
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if you want a kid to load the dishwasher
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start by saying maybe it's not a chore
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maybe does it or whatever let's not
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worry about what it is do me a favor Q
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put the forks in the dishwasher for me
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you just need to pierce the veil get
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that going right so I mean one thing is
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that like what to you and me like for
◼
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example like using mash what if somebody
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runs up to you they're going ah this
◼
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person is choking you got a got to use
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your bic pen and give them a the thing
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we bring you out of me
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tracheotomy now I've seen that on TV
◼
►
enough to know that with father monkeys
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pen knife and a pen I should be able to
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give somebody a tracheotomy I'm not
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gonna do that nearly as well there's
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gonna be hesitation marks as I'm cutting
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open the students throat because a
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doctor has done it more than me they've
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had the training they know that they'll
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survive the experience of having done
◼
►
that but for a kid loading the
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dishwasher is not that different from
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doing a tracheotomy they don't know
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what's supposed to happen next and
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there's gonna be tons of blood they
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don't want to do that so I feel like
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doing it in steps and then second try to
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find a way to let them be proud to make
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make something that they can be proud of
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that I think that can be part of the
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►
stimulation it's not gonna work for
◼
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everything but like for certain kinds of
◼
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projects especially things that involve
◼
►
cleaning up or arrangement like if you
◼
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can help with dinner maybe you can make
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a crudite platter and make that really
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pretty for us you know I'm saying but
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sometimes so like you know hey can you
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set the table and like will you make the
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napkins fancy mmm just a thought but a
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weight is something you know to have a
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little hook into with that said oh I
◼
►
don't know where I blew it or how many
◼
►
times I blew it but everything that's
◼
►
not a fun thing is punishment now is
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brought to you in part by Squarespace
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supporting Roddick on the line and all
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the great shows I know like sweetie
◼
►
you've got yogurt in your hair you're
◼
►
teasing me what do you mean why do you
◼
►
have to do everything clean the yogurt
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►
Oh God oh my god I have to do everything
◼
►
around here oh my god appreciated I'm
◼
►
struggling so hard with that I want to
◼
►
be appreciated I want somebody notice I
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►
did the dishes four times today not a
◼
►
very good job but I did do it four times
◼
►
today yeah I just I feel like she she
◼
►
has to know that I mean I'm not trying
◼
►
to I'm not trying to have my daughter be
◼
►
my assistant but I definitely do feel
◼
►
like she understands now she came into
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my room the other day with a piece of
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►
artwork that she'd done woke me up
◼
►
handed me this piece of artwork I liked
◼
►
rub the sleep from my eyes look at it
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►
it's a it's a picture of a doorway and
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►
over the top of it in big letters it
◼
►
says wake up okay so we both understand
◼
►
that Daddy is needs a little extra sleep
◼
►
yeah compared to other grown-ups that's
◼
►
Danny was up late sweetie thinking very
◼
►
deep thoughts about why no one will play
◼
►
with him until 4:20 in the morning nice
◼
►
but you know message received yeah I got
◼
►
it this morning I got that this morning
◼
►
you said she said I slept for an hour
◼
►
last night I said really slept we slept
◼
►
for an hour last night because at one
◼
►
point I woke up and she wasn't been with
◼
►
us cuz she couldn't sleep
◼
►
she says I slept for an hour last night
◼
►
I was at sucks an hour and she goes you
◼
►
know why he starts doing this thing huh
◼
►
with her eyes like looking over and kind
◼
►
of doing her head like this huh like
◼
►
she's indicating something and I go what
◼
►
cheers you know what for some reason I
◼
►
instantly knew and I said was I snoring
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►
and she goes yeah wake up says the
◼
►
doorway very subtle very subtle of
◼
►
course the head huh huh and I come back
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►
with oh yeah well you know I didn't
◼
►
sleep very well last night cuz I try so
◼
►
goddamn hard to sleep on my side so I
◼
►
don't snore I don't know I'm snoring I
◼
►
live in this world where like I only
◼
►
fight I mean I it's like ambien walking
◼
►
like I'm doing things I don't know that
◼
►
I'm doing and I think I'm trying to help
◼
►
apparently I'm not anyway not for a
◼
►
fucking second do I believe she got only
◼
►
no her sense of how much sleep she got
◼
►
is very very problematic yeah well and
◼
►
you know and whose responsibility it is
◼
►
I mean the snoring like listen I'm with
◼
►
the room I should I should get one of
◼
►
those sleep things so I should go to a
◼
►
clinic maybe get one of those masks we
◼
►
have on MSNBC listen nothing is better
◼
►
than a kpop mask or whatever the hell
◼
►
those things forget a kpop that's
◼
►
Gangnam style write it skate that
◼
►
that'll do Pig I gotta make some fucking
◼
►
hello hi John hello hello oh hello hello
◼
►
hello hi John hi Marilyn how's it going
◼
►
Oh so super hello hello good morning hey
◼
►
good morning oh my god buddy I'm in a
◼
►
state John tell me uh you don't want to
◼
►
know do you want to know it I'm in a
◼
►
state is what you sound like a frog in
◼
►
my pot of water and slowly turning up
◼
►
the heat how even will I know when to
◼
►
jump out of this incorrect analogy I
◼
►
don't even know it's it's heartbreaking
◼
►
what's going on that's a big week how is
◼
►
this week different from other weeks the
◼
►
week that we leave a seat for Elijah
◼
►
yeah ah Mazel Tov John this this is one
◼
►
of those frantic weeks because it will
◼
►
require some solo parenting from me oh
◼
►
this is unusual and exciting yeah do you
◼
►
feel like this is in your wheelhouse is
◼
►
this something you can help me with oh
◼
►
yeah absolutely you know my daughter's
◼
►
mother left this morning at 4 a.m. for a
◼
►
week-long business trip to your city San
◼
►
Francisco finest girl wave to her from
◼
►
my from my office here a top six your
◼
►
Tower yeah yeah from your premiere seven
◼
►
sided lighthouse made of frames
◼
►
Margiela Marge Ellen Marge ellos March
◼
►
Ellen she's got my chemtrails she and I
◼
►
are gonna have a very very fine week but
◼
►
you know I I do have I do have my mother
◼
►
in town so she also is very helpful it's
◼
►
not it's very seldom that I am in a
◼
►
situation where I'm looking at five days
◼
►
where there's just no no respite five
◼
►
days but I often am the only parent of
◼
►
record for for four or five days oh
◼
►
listen I don't wanna make this the whole
◼
►
show but I could use like I need some
◼
►
advice I need to vent that's the wrong
◼
►
word no no not bad you know what it is
◼
►
it's an airing of failures I feel like
◼
►
it's important you need to periodically
◼
►
air my failures and let's be honest to
◼
►
show my vulnerabilities about something
◼
►
that I would like to think I'm good at
◼
►
and I'm not sure I'm really that good at
◼
►
let's just look at this as like a Lower
◼
►
East Side Tenement alleyway and you're
◼
►
just putting that wet laundry out on a
◼
►
on a rope high above high above the sea
◼
►
good morning this is spaghetti right
◼
►
we're all your neighbors can see your
◼
►
drawers they call them pants in England
◼
►
yeah because because that's the only way
◼
►
we have we don't have a washer and dryer
◼
►
we're done we're not the future yet and
◼
►
I'm not a snork no okay so without
◼
►
getting into too much detail milady
◼
►
needs to do some business travel that
◼
►
will necessitate me being the the sole
◼
►
parent for three nights she is an
◼
►
important lady and she has stuff to do
◼
►
up she's a business lady she has to do
◼
►
and but here's the funny part is like I
◼
►
well first of all there's just this
◼
►
whole like when I was talking to you
◼
►
this morning about like potentially
◼
►
rescheduling because I'm at a fever
◼
►
pitch because there's the things you got
◼
►
to do before you do the things you're
◼
►
gonna do yeah sure you experienced
◼
►
something that I call compression mm-hm
◼
►
you get compression suddenly events take
◼
►
on a new kind of valence because they
◼
►
need to be done by a certain time your
◼
►
life becomes an existential rally
◼
►
for other people this is not hard I
◼
►
think other people are wired better than
◼
►
I but I will have my daughter by myself
◼
►
for three nights and that's going to
◼
►
mean some get into school and some
◼
►
picking up it involves making lunch yeah
◼
►
which is is fraught the thing I
◼
►
eventually want to get to you though is
◼
►
I know you're not a big screen parent I
◼
►
want to know how you handle the time the
◼
►
long long times yeah you're with the
◼
►
trial because this is not a tenement in
◼
►
Brooklyn you can't just send your kid
◼
►
off to play play stickball you know you
◼
►
got a helicopter over them any advice
◼
►
you got i'll get any observations you
◼
►
have philosophical practical anything
◼
►
that you can offer that will help me and
◼
►
let's be honest my daughter survived
◼
►
three days you know if there if there
◼
►
were ever a case where I prepared a
◼
►
topic in advance or had even the
◼
►
slightest idea what we were going to
◼
►
talk about in the three and a half
◼
►
minutes between when I wake up and when
◼
►
I sit down here compression is what I
◼
►
you know is what I would have talked
◼
►
about today because I'm also feeling
◼
►
like every spare minute is filled now
◼
►
with something filled with some creamy
◼
►
like vanilla pudding mmm
◼
►
it's not bad it's just full mostly
◼
►
somebody sprayed that in all the
◼
►
available area is putting now mm-hmm
◼
►
just but full of vanilla pudding I mean
◼
►
like a vanilla pudding but you are in a
◼
►
situation of that so you know because
◼
►
because you hit the nail on the head
◼
►
yeah being a parent is just to feel like
◼
►
you're failing that and all the time
◼
►
that's how I used to think that that
◼
►
would go away before I was actually go
◼
►
away yeah like for at least not for me I
◼
►
keep thinking it's gonna go away too but
◼
►
you know I read every day it's a new
◼
►
thing where it's like oh boy I didn't do
◼
►
a pretty good job and I'm constantly
◼
►
realizing I'm too late on things you
◼
►
know whether that's something like I
◼
►
should have ordered turkey breasts for
◼
►
sandwiches tomorrow so guess what I
◼
►
forgot there's a field trip on Wednesday
◼
►
morning and it has to be a packable
◼
►
lunch with nothing nothing plastic
◼
►
I am playing a horrible Milton Bradley
◼
►
board game of many other people's design
◼
►
at this point you gotta practice the
◼
►
ukulele you got it oh by the way they're
◼
►
getting extra homework now because it's
◼
►
fifth grade next year which is a real
◼
►
grade so now they're getting more
◼
►
homework they doubled the math it
◼
►
doubled the reading log you still got to
◼
►
do all of that I love how they do that
◼
►
where they're like next year is real
◼
►
school so we're gonna pile on a bunch of
◼
►
like real school stuff now I was a
◼
►
senior in order to get you ready for
◼
►
next year and it's like well you're just
◼
►
what are we doing before yeah we're just
◼
►
doing it now then instead of been oh
◼
►
yeah we got to do it now instead of you
◼
►
know like I told you didn't I that I got
◼
►
that I got um I got a failing grade in
◼
►
seventh grade advanced English because
◼
►
the teacher said in high school they
◼
►
don't use pencils I hate the story I
◼
►
hate the story so much in high school
◼
►
they don't use pencils so we have to
◼
►
start using using pens we have to start
◼
►
learning to use pens and I I just never
◼
►
had a pen I mean that you know that they
◼
►
would buy me pens but I was lose them I
◼
►
had all I had was pencils I just I
◼
►
wanted to work in pencil it was fine and
◼
►
the teacher said that she would no
◼
►
longer accept anything written in pencil
◼
►
his daddy blue or blue black blue black
◼
►
it's alright slept it would be an
◼
►
automatic zero and so I continued to do
◼
►
my work through the entire year page
◼
►
after page of English assignment which
◼
►
she continued to mark zero Todd because
◼
►
she was preparing me for high school
◼
►
isn't that nice the way she did that
◼
►
yeah she sure did yeah another angle of
◼
►
I'm going to interrupt you but the other
◼
►
angle of this is like all the secret
◼
►
double double probation rules we're like
◼
►
you know there's I don't know if you get
◼
►
this yet with her work but there's a lot
◼
►
of assignments we get we're in addition
◼
►
to not understanding the way that
◼
►
they're teaching math now that's okay I
◼
►
know it's a better way I'm learning but
◼
►
in addition to that there's like it's
◼
►
sometimes difficult to tell
◼
►
to quote Glengarry Glen Ross you know
◼
►
what is this in-service of it
◼
►
if are we testing handwriting are we
◼
►
testing creativity are we testing
◼
►
following the directions because I would
◼
►
counsel to do all these things real
◼
►
differently but it's real weird when it
◼
►
comes down to like well kind of doesn't
◼
►
matter what you did if you didn't use
◼
►
ink like I guess yeah that's that's a
◼
►
rule yeah what are we what are we
◼
►
teaching oh we're teaching we're
◼
►
teaching this child not to believe that
◼
►
adult them have any knowledge yeah I
◼
►
think we don't really have perspective
◼
►
or understanding context they understand
◼
►
could the creation of compliance now is
◼
►
they're not hot lunch at your school yes
◼
►
there is but we're also well she's got
◼
►
compression to their entire lunch period
◼
►
is 20 minutes yeah yeah yeah so it's
◼
►
already staggered to where like I think
◼
►
two grades at a time the kids go to
◼
►
lunch the littlest kids go first then
◼
►
the next group and then my daughter is
◼
►
in the third group and she that was the
◼
►
most the groups have 25 minutes she's
◼
►
got 20 minutes and so like if you go
◼
►
through the lines is boring
◼
►
but if you go through the line
◼
►
everything that really cuts into your
◼
►
your eating time your shuck and jive
◼
►
time you know this sounds like a like a
◼
►
proven problem well it's it's you know
◼
►
again I understand that we're all
◼
►
playing a different tile game a
◼
►
different puzzle game you know this is
◼
►
what makes adulthood complicated is
◼
►
everybody has a different puzzle game
◼
►
and that's not doesn't imperfect analogy
◼
►
but there's not a single person out
◼
►
there it's like a five by five
◼
►
everything's going great
◼
►
like everybody out there struggling with
◼
►
something there's resource constraints
◼
►
at the school like okay so what's lunch
◼
►
well lunch is partly like who's gonna
◼
►
supervise them because lawsuits and like
◼
►
time constraints and all that stuff so I
◼
►
think that she prefers the packed lunch
◼
►
with which my wonderful wonderful wife
◼
►
makes for her most most mornings right
◼
►
she makes a nice little meal in a little
◼
►
bento box and there's that a mommy or
◼
►
there's raspberries or there's carrots
◼
►
and like she has this internal barometer
◼
►
for how to make like a dignified lunch
◼
►
but I feel like what you know like you
◼
►
were saying before a lot of a lot of a
◼
►
trying to deal with now is like what
◼
►
kind of groundwork have you laid and my
◼
►
sensei like I don't I do not have a like
◼
►
a complete picture of of the inner life
◼
►
of the of the of your your family and
◼
►
your home there but my sense is that you
◼
►
do not like to disappoint your wife and
◼
►
and so she's accustomed to this kind of
◼
►
lunch and you want to you want to
◼
►
maintain that right insistency whereas
◼
►
in my family I laid the groundwork that
◼
►
right at the beginning that I was going
◼
►
to consistently disappoint everyone you
◼
►
set an expectation I set an expectation
◼
►
that that Daddy is going to daddy
◼
►
disappoints sometimes daddy shows up to
◼
►
school in his pajamas sometimes daddy's
◼
►
missing a two thought photo days just
◼
►
raising like do you take them out of the
◼
►
box is just a raisin that says am on it
◼
►
no it's like six little box raises this
◼
►
episode of Roderick on the line is
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Khan the line and all the great shows
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and sometimes sometimes you today why
◼
►
don't you get hot lunch and if if her
◼
►
response is daddy says like well I
◼
►
didn't like the irony Wars of the 90s
◼
►
but I lived through them right right I
◼
►
figure my frequent responses like she'll
◼
►
say like oh I have a pack lunch with the
◼
►
bespoke turkey sandwich and my response
◼
►
is usually yeah well I want to be tall
◼
►
yes so you have to just answer your
◼
►
question though yes not only do I want
◼
►
to meet skits somewhere near the bar of
◼
►
what my desperately competent wife is
◼
►
able to do but like I'd like it to also
◼
►
be I'd like it to be fun and then worst
◼
►
of all I wanted to not be stressful
◼
►
which is one of the hardest parts for me
◼
►
is I really try to minimize unnecessary
◼
►
stress because there's baseline stress
◼
►
just cuz you got to do hair and socks
◼
►
and everything and tooth brushing to get
◼
►
out of the house but like that's the
◼
►
other part of it so I feel like I've
◼
►
probably set an unreasonable bar for
◼
►
myself and that's that causes the more
◼
►
of this anxiety in me yeah yeah I mean
◼
►
the thing is a she's fine and B
◼
►
she'll I mean she'll be fine whatever
◼
►
however the week goes yeah kids bounce
◼
►
but also like I you know she is a little
◼
►
girl who likes an adventure and a plan
◼
►
you know like a like a you know she's
◼
►
she's into I mean you know none of them
◼
►
like adventure and in that if you're
◼
►
like let's try something new they don't
◼
►
want to right but but I think if you go
◼
►
to her and say mom is out of town we
◼
►
need to really partner up on this and
◼
►
that's gonna involve you helping daddy
◼
►
as much as it is daddy helping you
◼
►
ah so we make it some something we need
◼
►
to work on together well and yeah it's
◼
►
like a project and also you're relying
◼
►
on her she's your partner she's your
◼
►
main partner in this and so you know
◼
►
like you raise your eyes it's it's like
◼
►
I'm noticing with my little girl that
◼
►
all the things that I made the mistake
◼
►
of calling chores like clean up your
◼
►
room and you know chores I already at 7
◼
►
years old just get these huge eye rolls
◼
►
and these long sighs and then I go in an
◼
►
hour later and she's sitting in the
◼
►
middle sitting uh you know cross-leg on
◼
►
the floor in the middle of her mess just
◼
►
sort of reading an Archie mm-hmm I'm
◼
►
like where did you even get an Archie
◼
►
because because somehow you perhaps
◼
►
unintentionally set that up as a
◼
►
negative thing it's a chore just had
◼
►
it's just like the name right there in
◼
►
the name but I've lately started to say
◼
►
I started to say those things like well
◼
►
not long ago like I was cooking her mom
◼
►
was been there you know chopping and
◼
►
stuff and she's standing in the doorway
◼
►
just kind of watching and I said hey set
◼
►
the table and she got this look of like
◼
►
uh Wow and I said well you know look
◼
►
what a table looks like when it's set
◼
►
and you know what it looks like now so
◼
►
to put all the things on the table that
◼
►
and she was like ah and she walked
◼
►
around the kitchen kind of just like
◼
►
right like she'd never seen the kitchen
◼
►
opening drawers and wondering like what
◼
►
you know like she said at one point like
◼
►
like you mean like drinking glasses and
◼
►
I was like well asked and answered
◼
►
and you know I'm cooking like I don't
◼
►
have a like stuffs burnin and stuff well
◼
►
so she went over and she put some
◼
►
combination of things on the table that
◼
►
basically that were the things that she
◼
►
could reach and the things that she
◼
►
thought of like there were three pepper
◼
►
shakers or whatever she was going around
◼
►
and but she got some she managed to put
◼
►
some table settings and you know what
◼
►
kind of with me over my shoulder like
◼
►
everybody needs a spoon not just you and
◼
►
and she was just like and it wasn't even
◼
►
a case of like she was proud because I
◼
►
didn't I didn't really over praise I
◼
►
just was like good alright good
◼
►
yeah now we need napkins and because I
◼
►
was also doing something and her mom was
◼
►
also doing something so when we all came
◼
►
together it felt like well we all did
◼
►
something to be here and not it wasn't a
◼
►
thing like kind of we normally do where
◼
►
I turn the praise Canon on her and like
◼
►
oh my god you didn't end up fucking
◼
►
putting chocolate on everything like
◼
►
it was just like all right so the other
◼
►
day it's like almost like a first round
◼
►
of AI like you're like oh you got it
◼
►
kind of right that's not totally wrong
◼
►
but the other day I'm in the kitchen and
◼
►
and the dishwasher beeps and she says
◼
►
what do you do you know like it's done
◼
►
washing and she's like well what what oh
◼
►
you know what was that what happens now
◼
►
and I said I opened the dishwasher and
◼
►
you know emptying the dishwasher is
◼
►
super complicated but I was like here
◼
►
put the silverware away and so she takes
◼
►
a little silverware basket out and just
◼
►
kind of every single every single
◼
►
implement was a new puzzle right okay
◼
►
forks go here but where does this fork
◼
►
go well that also goes there oh I see
◼
►
this all the time my daughter can make a
◼
►
multi acre Palace in Minecraft but she
◼
►
still doesn't understand that that one's
◼
►
compost it's it's it's it's you know
◼
►
what I mean the pseudo some areas where
◼
►
like there's the encode so well with
◼
►
certain things that they are motivated
◼
►
about but there's other kinds of things
◼
►
where you're like honey I are you okay
◼
►
did you hit your head you hurt your head
◼
►
you know we always have Forks you know
◼
►
you got to put socks on every day what
◼
►
what well what was crazy was because I
◼
►
again I was not monitoring her not not
◼
►
that she could tell right I was looking
◼
►
at her out of the corner of my eye but I
◼
►
was not like helping because I was
◼
►
emptying the other part of the
◼
►
dishwasher the stuff that she couldn't
◼
►
reach like that complicated heavy shelf
◼
►
just she can't get up she can't get
◼
►
something up on it on a high shelf you
◼
►
know but so she's just puttering away at
◼
►
her own time trying to figure out like
◼
►
you know and she'd hold stuff up like
◼
►
where does this go and I'm like ah right
◼
►
that goes over here and and so at the
◼
►
end when the dishwasher was empty she
◼
►
said now can we load it and I was like
◼
►
now can we load it I have never once in
◼
►
my life loaded a dishwasher immediately
◼
►
after emptying that's right sure we can
◼
►
load it and she started putting the
◼
►
silverware in the dirty silverware in
◼
►
the baskets in the basket and a stiix by
◼
►
type all the forks go here oh I like
◼
►
I like that fine all the knives well
◼
►
that's not how I do it and she was not
◼
►
coached to do this like the forks to be
◼
►
in the bass stick together they do this
◼
►
was like one of those like you're
◼
►
broadcasting of a thing you know
◼
►
like that I had never seen before I see
◼
►
her organize things all the time but
◼
►
like oh all the forks go together do
◼
►
they because she had just unloaded the
◼
►
dishwasher three minutes before that was
◼
►
not organized that way so she was taking
◼
►
it she was taking over how it's gonna
◼
►
Wow and this is a long conversation
◼
►
slash argument within the Jonathan
◼
►
Coulton Christine Connor family oh
◼
►
Christine believes that that's how the
◼
►
dishes should be done all the forks go
◼
►
together and all the spoons go together
◼
►
Jonathan argues that the spoons then all
◼
►
nest against one another and don't get
◼
►
clean and bases like to not OCD is too
◼
►
strong a term but like it's two
◼
►
different a wackadoo theories about like
◼
►
why needs to be a certain way yeah and
◼
►
you know I've been friends with that
◼
►
family for a long time and you would be
◼
►
surprised the number of times that this
◼
►
comes up sitting around though sitting
◼
►
around the table or I would not in the
◼
►
morning I would not there are a variety
◼
►
of things that I still find incredibly
◼
►
perplexing from a logical standpoint
◼
►
that I don't bring up in the interest of
◼
►
yeah it's it's really it's hilarious and
◼
►
I know I know I'm just as guilty I know
◼
►
there are things that I do that make no
◼
►
sense to anybody else in the house
◼
►
either seems too tightly wound or way
◼
►
too chaotic or just like unknowable like
◼
►
why would you not always do that thing
◼
►
after you do this thing it just follows
◼
►
well in this case I sent a text to
◼
►
Jonathan Christine saying oh guess what
◼
►
guess who's on Team Christine and
◼
►
immediately it precipitated a text
◼
►
argument between husband and wife I
◼
►
don't even I don't know they could be
◼
►
sitting on the couch together I don't
◼
►
know whether they were in separate towns
◼
►
or whatever but you know Christine said
◼
►
she's a genius it's the only right way
◼
►
and Jonathan immediately texted this is
◼
►
you know this is she is wrong she's
◼
►
history's greatest monster she's wrong
◼
►
as everyone who practices this
◼
►
the nesting thing that's an interesting
◼
►
POV well you know he's kind of
◼
►
interesting POV on things they're gonna
◼
►
nest the spoons are gonna nest this is
◼
►
also the way I say again OCD I know
◼
►
that's a specific kind of thing but like
◼
►
there are some kinds of people that say
◼
►
oh that person so tightly wound their
◼
►
anal because they need everything to be
◼
►
and there's other people who have a
◼
►
different flavor of that where they
◼
►
can't stand stuff being in a row right
◼
►
there's some kind of people that want
◼
►
everything to be even numbers and so
◼
►
many people who are it has to be odd
◼
►
numbers and and it feels like an
◼
►
opposite when it's really like a very
◼
►
similar thing well you know in my
◼
►
kitchen there are no matching plates
◼
►
cups or glasses every plate has to be a
◼
►
has to be a different plate that's
◼
►
eclectic well it's just I like in my
◼
►
mom's house everything had to match and
◼
►
I cannot have everything match and I'm
◼
►
guessing an equal number like you have
◼
►
this there's this mini salad forks
◼
►
there's this mini small plates that kind
◼
►
of thing all done just exact all done
◼
►
just like perfectly and I think if if
◼
►
you broke a small plate then the whole
◼
►
set of plates would go and a new set of
◼
►
plates would arrived whoa
◼
►
because like you know you don't want you
◼
►
don't want four of everything in three
◼
►
years the world in our own ways but my
◼
►
house is all every everything is is
◼
►
individual and partly it's that I like
◼
►
going to thrift stores and finding
◼
►
things and I find a thing and I'm like
◼
►
here's a new one and I would but but
◼
►
like now the idea of having even I mean
◼
►
two plates matching would be even worse
◼
►
than all plates matching I totally get
◼
►
just now you look careless you just look
◼
►
like where'd you get Oh two-ply using a
◼
►
rube you look like an eccentric Pig a
◼
►
rube but but you know the argument about
◼
►
the silverware both because again
◼
►
believe me I've heard it a hundred times
◼
►
it Chrystia we're gonna call this team
◼
►
steaming team Jonathan yeah Christine
◼
►
says it makes it easier at when when the
◼
►
dishes are done to just reach in grab
◼
►
them all and put them away
◼
►
it makes it easier jonathan counters by
◼
►
saying you gotta sort them at one point
◼
►
either before or after so it's not any
◼
►
easier you're just you're just doing the
◼
►
hard work one at a time when you put
◼
►
them in sorting them into their proper
◼
►
bastok instead of just throwing them in
◼
►
there and saving precious seconds so
◼
►
it's like it's like two waves of just
◼
►
like a view of the world and of time and
◼
►
now my own daughter has just
◼
►
instinctively exhibited a preference
◼
►
here and I cannot intervene because this
◼
►
is what my mom did to me I would she
◼
►
would say help me load the dishwasher I
◼
►
would do it some way let's say I would
◼
►
do it team Christine style and then she
◼
►
would come along go oh but here's how we
◼
►
do it and she would then redo it team
◼
►
Jonathan or whatever it would be the
◼
►
opposite whatever you did you did it
◼
►
wrong and so I can't do I cannot
◼
►
intervene in my own child's world in
◼
►
this way she's putting the silverware in
◼
►
and there's no way I'm gonna at that
◼
►
point say oh but nesting I thought I try
◼
►
to catch myself because at least she's
◼
►
doing it yeah oh yeah is that too much
◼
►
praise cannon because because I think I
◼
►
agree I'd rather see her do it in a kind
◼
►
of half-assed searching sort of way than
◼
►
like not at all absolutely and I would
◼
►
I'll live with some spoons that are
◼
►
slightly tarnished if it means that she
◼
►
thinks that that loading the dishwasher
◼
►
is one of the it's not a chore it's just
◼
►
one of the things that she does as part
◼
►
of our group effort like our tribe right
◼
►
because she starts she wants some tribal
◼
►
responsibilities and I think part of it
◼
►
was several weeks ago my mom and her mom
◼
►
were complaining about her that she was
◼
►
being intransigent she was just fighting
◼
►
everything yep and passive fighting a
◼
►
active fighting and some of it is just
◼
►
like okay get your shoes on okay and
◼
►
then she says I say slow walking it slow
◼
►
walking that's right and so there so of
◼
►
course in the in my family dynamic all
◼
►
the grown-ups come to me and are like
◼
►
this has got to stop I'm not seven
◼
►
they're like well fix it
◼
►
and so we sat down and had a had a we
◼
►
were to the to the gas station mini-mart
◼
►
that sells Fried Chicken mm-hmm and I
◼
►
was like what's going on and she did all
◼
►
the little kid you know like try to
◼
►
weasel out of the conversation moves
◼
►
like man nothing or she even went as far
◼
►
as to say I don't want to talk about it
◼
►
really she didn't open with her what are
◼
►
you talking about what huh and then she
◼
►
did some of that like you know like look
◼
►
over here it's a bikini girl I'm like no
◼
►
I know all of these sweetie we're gonna
◼
►
have to talk about this and she was like
◼
►
ah and then she did thing I didn't
◼
►
expect which was she said well you know
◼
►
ever since I turned 7 everything's so
◼
►
hard oh I was like what's hard like
◼
►
everything's hard and she was like yeah
◼
►
I mean at school like I don't have any
◼
►
friends and she's like really like laid
◼
►
out this whole inner life I'm so
◼
►
impressed that I recognized as being
◼
►
like a 7 year old who has who's having a
◼
►
complicated emotional experience of
◼
►
things and doesn't want to talk about it
◼
►
yeah and so I was like oh shit okay you
◼
►
and so she just started just going down
◼
►
the list of all the things that ever
◼
►
since she turned seven had gone sideways
◼
►
and you know I listen and I was like ah
◼
►
boy there's really like everything here
◼
►
well it's the kind of like stuff it's
◼
►
the normal stuff that makes you realize
◼
►
that being alive is hard but we're gonna
◼
►
run long enough to know that that's
◼
►
normal and she's as a fresh that's a
◼
►
fresh hell for her yeah she's like no
◼
►
one would play with me on the playground
◼
►
and I'm like yeah well but I don't want
◼
►
mm-hmm I don't want to say that's weird
◼
►
because all those things establish some
◼
►
kind of I don't know like some kind of
◼
►
relationship between us I guess is what
◼
►
it establishes where if I if I say
◼
►
everything is normal then she starts to
◼
►
feel like well why are we talking then
◼
►
if it's all normal like leave me alone
◼
►
and if I you know if I get too much down
◼
►
into the seven-year-old weeds of saying
◼
►
like oh baby oh you know like
◼
►
emotionally over identifying with her
◼
►
then what I'm what good am I
◼
►
you know I'm just like I'm just another
◼
►
seven year old having the same
◼
►
experiences so anyway I didn't do
◼
►
anything I just listened to her and and
◼
►
oddly I mean I guess not oddly because
◼
►
this wasn't a scheme right this wasn't
◼
►
something I read in a book I was just at
◼
►
a loss of what to say but now she talks
◼
►
to me in a way that she doesn't talk to
◼
►
the other - Wow about and she and it's
◼
►
not like she comes home and is like oh
◼
►
what a hard day at school like she has
◼
►
to still I hope you're aware that that's
◼
►
not necessarily normal I mean that's
◼
►
good it's very good that's that's hard
◼
►
to wangle in my experience in the
◼
►
experience of other people I talked to
◼
►
yeah and so I'm just and so what I
◼
►
haven't because there's a grave
◼
►
responsibility for you though huh
◼
►
it is and and and it's it's very
◼
►
difficult for somebody like me to not
◼
►
try to solve problems yep and so I just
◼
►
sit and I'm like wow I find that to be
◼
►
true for about 49% of the population
◼
►
right kind of an mo yeah but you know
◼
►
it's in my family it's the opposite
◼
►
cannot cannot listen to you talk without
◼
►
trying to solve your problem and she's
◼
►
just like right let me let me solve the
◼
►
problem if you're like uh I kind of just
◼
►
venting she's like well fucking go
◼
►
outside then right we talked about this
◼
►
with her and her Susan yeah and the
◼
►
history you know she's like that with
◼
►
everybody but but it so in this case but
◼
►
you know I'm not like trying to solve it
◼
►
for her I'm just like oh let me give you
◼
►
some guidance right but I but I'm not
◼
►
doing that I'm just like and part of it
◼
►
is is really founded in total confusion
◼
►
about what anyone would say like what do
◼
►
you say to a seven-year-old girl who's
◼
►
best friends are playing with each other
◼
►
and don't want her play well there's to
◼
►
me there's like in that instance there's
◼
►
so many conflicting things I think I can
◼
►
say this without being too personal but
◼
►
like I feel like there's so many
◼
►
conflicting things in a moment like that
◼
►
where when I do get the rare chance to
◼
►
actually talk about like you know just
◼
►
something's not right whatever that is
◼
►
and we get to talk about it on the one
◼
►
there's this there's this part of me
◼
►
that wants to help but I also feel like
◼
►
a thousand admonishments against myself
◼
►
like don't do this don't do that don't
◼
►
do that among amongst these don't try
◼
►
well maybe at the top of the list don't
◼
►
try to talk someone out of how they feel
◼
►
right now it's it's really not that much
◼
►
better than telling somebody who is
◼
►
grieving to buck up wide span well like
◼
►
you know I mean grieving and depression
◼
►
to things that are not helped by
◼
►
somebody telling you you feel better
◼
►
like don't do that but then on the other
◼
►
hand with a kid you don't want as you
◼
►
say like over just stick you late about
◼
►
it because that's weird what you don't
◼
►
do that about that many things like why
◼
►
are you so like emotional and like raw
◼
►
about this like what are you hiding you
◼
►
don't want to say it's not real and then
◼
►
the deeper level I feel like I don't
◼
►
want to find myself explaining why this
◼
►
is and that is when I fall on sometimes
◼
►
where I find myself saying something
◼
►
like you know sometimes people are
◼
►
really terrible to each other and we
◼
►
don't always know why but that's I don't
◼
►
want to do that either you know yeah the
◼
►
listening part is valuable but like it's
◼
►
it's it and then so the one though the
◼
►
one that kind of guides all of this is
◼
►
and I have to I just because to be
◼
►
straight up about this like I don't want
◼
►
to fail as a father there's a part of me
◼
►
that goes like I should
◼
►
I've seen enough TV to know there should
◼
►
be something that I can do say not say
◼
►
or not do there's something that there
◼
►
is a better answer in this situation and
◼
►
I'll tear myself apart if I don't get
◼
►
that right well and so I think I think
◼
►
overall the dynamic that I'm trying to
◼
►
establish is look your mother is
◼
►
extremely competent and does and has
◼
►
business life like she gets up in the
◼
►
morning and she dresses business and she
◼
►
goes and she manages people and she
◼
►
flies on business trips and is is very
◼
►
competent in the world and we all know
◼
►
that Nana is very competent if you gave
◼
►
Nana a like a case of Lacroix and a
◼
►
Swiss Army knife she could build a
◼
►
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daddy's success against we are measuring
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daddy's success against a different
◼
►
criteria which is a are we on fire no
◼
►
good we're doing good then we're not on
◼
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fire is Daddy on fire
◼
►
no he's not on fire good look like we're
◼
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doing good but what that's done I think
◼
►
with her is to feel like daddy needs
◼
►
some help from her and some in a way
◼
►
some protection from her
◼
►
that's not protection where you know
◼
►
daddy is an invalid or incompetent or
◼
►
anything but just like hey yo come here
◼
►
I need your help on this mm-hmm and so
◼
►
she feels me what what the with the
◼
►
conversation that we had in the chicken
◼
►
restaurant revealed over time was that
◼
►
she was seven now and she just felt
◼
►
everybody was dumping on her all the
◼
►
time she was she just wasn't you know
◼
►
she was getting a bunch of like praise
◼
►
cannon stuff that everybody throws at a
◼
►
kid but she was just in the in the main
◼
►
she was doing it wrong Nana was mad at
◼
►
her in the morning because she didn't
◼
►
get ready fast enough and mama was mad
◼
►
at her at night because she didn't get
◼
►
to bed fast enough and everything it was
◼
►
all she's doing like she's doing it
◼
►
and I said oh well what if we got you a
◼
►
and taught you how to use a clock and
◼
►
then you could know when it was time for
◼
►
you to get up and time for you to go to
◼
►
bed and she was like I would like a
◼
►
clock and I said okay we'll get you a
◼
►
clock but once you have a clock you are
◼
►
responsible for the time you don't get
◼
►
to have a clock and just have it be like
◼
►
a like a lighting effect well you're
◼
►
you're not allowed to use it to improve
◼
►
your procrastination right yeah don't
◼
►
wait until the last minute
◼
►
I still got a minute before we leave you
◼
►
have it you're naked that's not okay and
◼
►
and and part of our long conversation
◼
►
was just like oh you want more
◼
►
responsibility and it's just innate you
◼
►
don't know how to ask for that that's
◼
►
that's not it's just you're at that
◼
►
point in your life where you're like why
◼
►
am I still why does my life look like me
◼
►
just getting nagged from place to place
◼
►
with all this stuff I know how to do
◼
►
it's not a challenge anymore I just
◼
►
don't feel like it and it's like oh well
◼
►
then what you need to do is set the
◼
►
table and empty the dishwasher and also
◼
►
sometimes oh so so oh this is the
◼
►
amazing one she said to me I wish I
◼
►
lived in a family where I never got
◼
►
teased and that was a that was like
◼
►
handing me a lit stick of dynamite
◼
►
because nobody else teases her I yeah
◼
►
okay yeah that was for me right like
◼
►
like like things like bastok things like
◼
►
yeah we've got I think I suspect every
◼
►
family has these things that the kid
◼
►
used to say in a funny way and now you
◼
►
still say it and it just sounds like
◼
►
you're making fun of them thing that
◼
►
kind of thing where she would say like
◼
►
you know what I went for dinner and I
◼
►
would say a bastok of pinedo she
◼
►
combines that right and over time she's
◼
►
just been just infuriated her and so she
◼
►
said I don't you know I would rather
◼
►
live in a family where I didn't get
◼
►
teased and I said wouldn't you really
◼
►
rather live in a family where you only
◼
►
got teased a little bit
◼
►
and she said no I would rather not get
◼
►
teased at all hmm and I said and I'm
◼
►
still exhausted as they say a big ask
◼
►
yeah and I'm sitting I'm scrambling in
◼
►
my head like what the fuck am I supposed
◼
►
to do that's the only way they know how
◼
►
to interact with people and I said
◼
►
wouldn't what would you rather live in a
◼
►
family where you had to eat vegetables
◼
►
at every meal or live in a family where
◼
►
you got teased every once in a while
◼
►
really scrambling that's what I was but
◼
►
she made an enormous blunder she said I
◼
►
would rather live in a family where I
◼
►
had to eat vegetables in every meal I
◼
►
test out well it was and I said oh all
◼
►
right well starting tonight if you eat a
◼
►
salad I won't tease you and she did not
◼
►
give a look of having been checkmated
◼
►
she gave a look of like huh and she said
◼
►
deal like oh this is not layin well well
◼
►
like 20 like Clint Eastwood style
◼
►
bring it on a deal and so at dinner and
◼
►
I'm not crazy it's not like I put a big
◼
►
fucking salad bowl with tongs and didn't
◼
►
spray Brussels sprouts I know I just I
◼
►
put a little portion of vegetable on her
◼
►
plate and she she made it seem like she
◼
►
was Indiana Jones and every bite of this
◼
►
stuff you know was snakes and she said
◼
►
that she ate her snakes and I didn't you
◼
►
know I didn't jump on her about like
◼
►
don't make those faces you can't make
◼
►
faces I was just like make as many faces
◼
►
as you want but but right on the other
◼
►
sizes were not part of the deal that's
◼
►
right that's right faces we're not part
◼
►
of the deal I didn't say I had to like
◼
►
it I didn't say you had to be nice about
◼
►
but I said right on the other side of
◼
►
that bowl of vegetables is you getting
◼
►
told bastok of potatoes so let's decide
◼
►
which is more important and she ate the
◼
►
freaking things and every day from that
◼
►
day forth she has eaten vegetables are
◼
►
you gonna stick with this
◼
►
well the few times I have said something
◼
►
even vaguely teasing she has turned six
◼
►
guns drawn and said we had a deal
◼
►
oh and you know and at wit with the
◼
►
unspoken second half of that sentence
◼
►
and I'm living up to my hand in the deal
◼
►
mm-hm and she is mm-hmm
◼
►
so so I'm just like out drawn hmm I just
◼
►
have to holster my pistols and I just to
◼
►
be clear this started as a like okay
◼
►
well let's see how far you're gonna go
◼
►
with this you're not actually saying
◼
►
like for you to be emotionally healthy
◼
►
UFT vegetables this is more of like a
◼
►
thought experiment well it was it was
◼
►
all part and parcel of the okay you're
◼
►
seven now and you want everybody off
◼
►
your back well then all that means is
◼
►
you get more responsibility because
◼
►
that's how you get people off your back
◼
►
mmm and so there's no you don't just get
◼
►
like to be five again where you get to
◼
►
do whatever you want everybody runs
◼
►
around and picks up after you right
◼
►
like everybody's mad because you're not
◼
►
you're not and I realized that people
◼
►
that that the people in the family had
◼
►
this expectation that she was supposed
◼
►
to be getting better at stuff and from
◼
►
her standpoint it was like I can do all
◼
►
that I've showed you I can do it why do
◼
►
I have to do it every day and it's like
◼
►
oh well you don't get it like yeah you
◼
►
do actually do it every day but but you
◼
►
should get rewards for it too and in her
◼
►
case and I had no idea the things I
◼
►
don't understand the relationship the
◼
►
teasing plays in other people's lives
◼
►
because I was relentlessly teased by my
◼
►
dad and it was a thing that we bonded
◼
►
over you know like I didn't like to be
◼
►
tickled but I'd love to be teased and
◼
►
you know I loved going down to the magic
◼
►
shop in in Pike Place Market and
◼
►
somebody giving me a piece of gum and it
◼
►
had a fucking mousetrap on it like just
◼
►
love that stuff dirty tricks and stuff
◼
►
you know and she doesn't it's not like
◼
►
like her reaction to that stuff is just
◼
►
dignity issue where she's just like
◼
►
listen bastok of Panay toes sir this is
◼
►
beneath our discourse I'm like well you
◼
►
know what's beneath your discourse is up
◼
►
a stack of the data and for for her to
◼
►
for her to decide of all the things that
◼
►
she gets to that she could have laid out
◼
►
as her a certain negotiating chit that
◼
►
that was the thing not get teased
◼
►
mmm-hmm she didn't say stop tickling me
◼
►
she's like tickle me tickle me but don't
◼
►
tease me mm-hmm oh shit all right man
◼
►
you set the tone you put the forks
◼
►
together in the fork thing I also feel
◼
►
like I got to two things I'm thinking
◼
►
about here um which is easier than the
◼
►
other um one thing I struggle with is
◼
►
that I was an only child
◼
►
well you know that's not even that
◼
►
important what's important is that I am
◼
►
from gen-x I think it is important
◼
►
though but go ahead no no no it is
◼
►
important but probably for different
◼
►
things but here's one thing is that I
◼
►
struggle with what I perceived sometimes
◼
►
as two poles of raising a female child
◼
►
which is on the one hand is the one
◼
►
thing you're supposed to always do as a
◼
►
parent which is to like be consistent
◼
►
and have certain standards and and be
◼
►
consistent about those standards and all
◼
►
that kind of stuff and also not not
◼
►
discourage your kid from doing things
◼
►
that are difficult don't be afraid to
◼
►
you know correct them all the kinds of
◼
►
like old school ideas of what we know
◼
►
you're supposed to do as a parent but
◼
►
then there's the other part of me that
◼
►
feels like I'm I'm always walking a
◼
►
minefield that I choose to walk because
◼
►
the idea of having a little kid even at
◼
►
her age who is confident and not like
◼
►
torn this and this by the way this is
◼
►
not relating to the potatoes I just mean
◼
►
I mean more like even with math homework
◼
►
where I'm like man if she can get
◼
►
through the math and like do I want to
◼
►
really make her go back and rewrite that
◼
►
because that nine doesn't look enough
◼
►
like a nine yeah probably but the idea
◼
►
of somebody who can remain boy or a girl
◼
►
but especially girl who's confident and
◼
►
not self-conscious about their body and
◼
►
their personality and stuff like that is
◼
►
something I really I have in mind so I
◼
►
being too permissive because I'm not
◼
►
strong enough to walk that minefield
◼
►
some days did you know what I mean we're
◼
►
like it's just with something we're like
◼
►
I just think about I'll just lay it on
◼
►
the line just think about how normal it
◼
►
was when I was a teenager for girls to
◼
►
be a hot mess and to be kind of
◼
►
personally and systematically kept frail
◼
►
and to constantly wonder how broken they
◼
►
are and so like that's I sometimes feel
◼
►
like I wonder if I weigh too heavily on
◼
►
that angle of like wanting her to be
◼
►
confident what I really should go back
◼
►
am I gonna pierce that confidence by
◼
►
saying like let's go back and check your
◼
►
math on that well it shouldnt cuz that's
◼
►
part of being strong part of being
◼
►
strong is being able to improve and
◼
►
stuff like that but that's one of the
◼
►
tight ropes I feel like I walk and when
◼
►
it comes down to dad alone for three
◼
►
days there's all kinds of ways that that
◼
►
can go sideways yeah well I had a as
◼
►
part of this interesting conversation
◼
►
dynamic that she and I have developed I
◼
►
had a very interesting exchange the
◼
►
other day where she said and again she's
◼
►
very dramatic and that's not anything
◼
►
she was taught although she it's
◼
►
certainly reinforced but she said I'm
◼
►
worried that every time I smile it makes
◼
►
something bad happen whoa and I said
◼
►
whoa that's telling your wheelhouse yeah
◼
►
I said tell me more and we're riding
◼
►
bikes so it's a type thing where we're
◼
►
not it's not like we're sitting in a
◼
►
chicken restaurant looking at each other
◼
►
we're just riding bikes slowly riding
◼
►
down the down the road and she says well
◼
►
like I say every time something good
◼
►
happens something bad immediately
◼
►
happens mm-hmm so that makes me not want
◼
►
to smile Wow and I said we'll give me an
◼
►
example and she said well after recess
◼
►
you have to go back inside and go back
◼
►
to work and so we're all really happy at
◼
►
recess but nobody wants to go back
◼
►
and I was like makes sense give me
◼
►
another example and she said well after
◼
►
snack which is the best part of school
◼
►
we have math and I was like I and my Gen
◼
►
X like girls and math tingle pairs went
◼
►
up and I said yeah and what's what's uh
◼
►
what's up with math and she said well
◼
►
math is fine but all the boys complain
◼
►
and they're like in math mmm and she
◼
►
said I hate when people are unhappy oh
◼
►
and I just want everybody to be happy
◼
►
and everybody's complaining about math
◼
►
and it's a bummer Lizzie and I was like
◼
►
uh-huh well now like my Gen X desire to
◼
►
socially engineer you to make you into
◼
►
superwoman stem girl that's right and to
◼
►
correct for every aspect of the
◼
►
patriarchy in you alone my daughter who
◼
►
is gonna you know just like grow up
◼
►
eating Cheerios except it's
◼
►
multiplication tables I don't I I just
◼
►
listened an extra step there because if
◼
►
if I had done what I what my impulse was
◼
►
or what my generations impulse was when
◼
►
she said yeah after snack it's math and
◼
►
I had gone oh well math is amazing like
◼
►
don't hate math math is great what's the
◼
►
matter math mmm-hmm with the tone you
◼
►
probably unintentionally always use to
◼
►
try to talk her into something that she
◼
►
now instantly realizes is some kind of
◼
►
jam up yeah right right you do this real
◼
►
that's the tone that you unintentionally
◼
►
oh come on this hike is gonna be fun is
◼
►
your friend and so I stayed out a bit
◼
►
for that one extra step because I was
◼
►
like huh she doesn't have any problem
◼
►
with math so I'm not gonna jump in here
◼
►
you know like what's she gonna say next
◼
►
is basically my take on it because
◼
►
also not really about math it's about
◼
►
the other people's feelings yeah and
◼
►
it's about the fact that all the little
◼
►
boys are making a bunch of noise about
◼
►
having to do math and she's like why
◼
►
don't they just do their math but she
◼
►
also like is exhibiting there a kind of
◼
►
like emotional receptiveness that is
◼
►
both lovely and also totally dangerous
◼
►
like she's oh yeah I see I see that I
◼
►
feel like I see that all the time yeah
◼
►
she's onboarding everybody else's
◼
►
feelings as part of her world of
◼
►
she feels bad because everybody else
◼
►
feels bad and that actually is she
◼
►
doesn't feel bad she's end up doing what
◼
►
people call like unpaid emotional labor
◼
►
you know and so I just so then we just
◼
►
we just pedal along in silence while we
◼
►
both chew on that mm-hmm
◼
►
and but but it was a it was another
◼
►
example I think of this like tendency
◼
►
that I'm trying to resist which is that
◼
►
that tendency to to social engineer in
◼
►
any direction even the opposite
◼
►
direction of what we think we were
◼
►
socially engineered to do because
◼
►
because every time you change one little
◼
►
thing you change a cascading series of B
◼
►
of this like yes initely repeating
◼
►
unpredictable you can't change one was
◼
►
engine you can't change the one thing
◼
►
about anything and I don't have any I
◼
►
don't have any fear that my daughter is
◼
►
going to be fragile it's not currently a
◼
►
danger and I mean did I tell you maybe
◼
►
we didn't talk about about when when she
◼
►
was in preschool we went to the locks
◼
►
here in Seattle and you and I have been
◼
►
visited the locks with her family yeah
◼
►
it's a dynamic environment boats are
◼
►
coming and going the locks are run a
◼
►
chance to get a tour of Seattle from
◼
►
John take it it's long they say about
◼
►
sign up sign up on this clipboard but
◼
►
the locks are run by the US Army Corps
◼
►
of Engineers and they take that job
◼
►
pretty seriously and they have you know
◼
►
like big burly people on either side who
◼
►
are yelling at people in the boats that
◼
►
they're doing it wrong and every it's
◼
►
very you know that's it's a big
◼
►
operation it's an industrial scale
◼
►
operation well we were there with the
◼
►
preschool and there are you know there
◼
►
were 23 year olds all running around and
◼
►
the teacher was the sort of barely
◼
►
keeping them together and I was one of
◼
►
the parents who were along for the ride
◼
►
and Marla maybe she was 4 she's standing
◼
►
there on the edge of the blocks and
◼
►
there are hundreds of tourists there to
◼
►
all claming it up at Marlo at the top of
◼
►
her lungs was saying you go over here
◼
►
and you stand there and you hear and the
◼
►
teacher teacher you need to over this
◼
►
and balidaan she's yelling it like just
◼
►
passers by you that shirt doesn't match
◼
►
those pants and and I said she's the
◼
►
mistress of the locks
◼
►
she was just appointed herself and I
◼
►
said at a certain point sweetie you need
◼
►
to just cold check your mega bossing of
◼
►
everyone for just a second while we
◼
►
figure out how we're all gonna get
◼
►
through this small aperture and a very
◼
►
big man with a beard and a hat that said
◼
►
US Army Corps of Engineers who was
◼
►
standing there in the process of yelling
◼
►
at a shipping you know like a that no no
◼
►
NOAA icebreaker turns around on his heel
◼
►
looks at me and says we don't say
◼
►
bossing to young women
◼
►
nowadays we say we encourage them for
◼
►
but you know like autonomy or
◼
►
authoritative necessarily you have
◼
►
something something something he gave me
◼
►
some lecture out of a playbook and
◼
►
turned around and went back to his job
◼
►
and I'm not anymore somebody who's just
◼
►
out doling out lessons to everybody on
◼
►
the street I'm trying not to be because
◼
►
I find that's not very effective I found
◼
►
from being on Twitter for a long time
◼
►
that just being out there sheriffing
◼
►
everybody is not any fun right right
◼
►
right and it doesn't and nobody gets
◼
►
nobody improves it's like yeah part of
◼
►
the the international tone police yeah
◼
►
but this guy and I don't know whether he
◼
►
has kids or not yeah he might I read
◼
►
that in The New Yorker
◼
►
my sense is he didn't but he's a he's a
◼
►
liberal but he's working at the US Army
◼
►
Corps of Engineers and he's out there
◼
►
sheriffing and what he you know what he
◼
►
is doing is trying to make the world a
◼
►
better place but he doesn't know my
◼
►
daughter and he doesn't know that she's
◼
►
a fucking bossy little Nazi like that
◼
►
she would literally run the world if she
◼
►
could from her three-year-old brain from
◼
►
her three-year-old understanding of how
◼
►
things need to be ordered and just to
◼
►
clarify here if there were an equivalent
◼
►
equivalently aged male you would have
◼
►
said the same thing well absolutely but
◼
►
here's the thing and this is the one
◼
►
where you know like don't at me but
◼
►
anybody who has kids and who spends any
◼
►
time around kids knows those little boys
◼
►
just don't do that like I'm sorry to say
◼
►
but little boys do not go bossing
◼
►
everybody around like that they know
◼
►
they're hitting each other that's true
◼
►
and they're hitting everybody else
◼
►
they're bonking and they're screaming
◼
►
and they're running and they're hitting
◼
►
they are not standing there saying you
◼
►
are here and you are the mama and you
◼
►
are the one who is you are the Corps of
◼
►
Engineers guy and here are your jobs and
◼
►
here is where you stand
◼
►
it just isn't it's just it is a thing
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that's different between them and and my
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daughter is the queen of it like the
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of things and of people and of I mean
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you know it all is she has it she has
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the plan she she sees the the matrix and
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so so so that's what this guy was saying
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right if that was a little boy you
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wouldn't have said that but a little boy
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would not have ever done it this is not
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a little boy trait and also you know but
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I didn't say like hey mind your own
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beeswax or I didn't decide it was gonna
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be a show do you got a beer to play cool
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no I was just like huh yeah thank you
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yeah thanks for your service exactly
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anyway meanwhile Marlowe in an empowered
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fashion will you shut the fuck up for
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like three minutes while we get through
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this door but as you know as time goes
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on like looking at the looking at the