Roderick on the Line

◼   ► way that their personalities exhibit as

◼   ► they grow older like I've been very very

◼   ► engaged in her schools from the time she

◼   ► first went to schools uh I go to the

◼   ► schools is fine these dynamics are super

◼   ► interesting they are and what people say

◼   ► and with a lot more subtlety than you

◼   ► realize sometimes so much subtlety and

◼   ► so much like everybody says oh when

◼   ► you're you know when you have a daughter

◼   ► it's so much easier when they're young

◼   ► and then it gets harder when they're

◼   ► older and boys are terrible when they're

◼   ► young and then they get easier when

◼   ► they're teenage that's what they say

◼   ► that's what they say and watching it

◼   ► unfold like you know there are some

◼   ► little boys in her class who are

◼   ► profoundly sensitive and though you know

◼   ► and this is a modern school in a modern

◼   ► school districts like none of the girls

◼   ► are being taught to like even subtly

◼   ► it's all been routed out right

◼   ► none of them are being taught that they

◼   ► are anything other than capable leaders

◼   ► but you've also got some grams you've

◼   ► got grams mm-hmm who are sensitive yeah

◼   ► and are not and that sensitivity is not

◼   ► being seen or separated from the tails

◼   ► who's just won a karate chop every class

◼   ► isn't it right and the ten I'm just

◼   ► gonna hit this thing with a stick until

◼   ► I'm restraint

◼   ► yeah and Tails not dumb I mean you

◼   ► talked to Te'o tails a fine young man

◼   ► just a thing though yeah if you turn

◼   ► around he is he is going to he is gonna

◼   ► nunchuck it and Graham has no interest

◼   ► in being nunchucks like Graham Scott

◼   ► Graham's got thoughts and feelings yeah

◼   ► and there isn't right now any any

◼   ► corresponding like social engineering

◼   ► project to make sure that Graham's like

◼   ► Graham's not expressing any kind of yet

◼   ► Graham isn't non-binary Graham is just a

◼   ► little kid like but like I was who wants

◼   ► to dream

◼   ► and stare out the window and he really

◼   ► really cares what people how people are

◼   ► feeling and there's just you know

◼   ► there's not a lot of accommodations for

◼   ► that in the system there's not you know

◼   ► I mean I'm not pointing to anybody on

◼   ► that but that's when in the great

◼   ► sorting hat of school that that is know

◼   ► well and the thing is if Te'o karate

◼   ► chops Graham is gonna say T problem the

◼   ► only way that the schools have to deal

◼   ► with that right now is to characterize

◼   ► that as a bullying incident but it's not

◼   ► tale is not bullying Graham Graham is a

◼   ► you know very powerful young person who

◼   ► is not cowering around tayo tayo is not

◼   ► in like tables just Te'o who's karate

◼   ► chopping things and Graham is someone

◼   ► who like a lot of us don't want to be

◼   ► karate chop but don't know exactly how

◼   ► to say no you don't know exactly how to

◼   ► get through life avoiding being karate

◼   ► chopped all at the same time not being

◼   ► isolated still being one of the people

◼   ► but if you characterize that as bullying

◼   ► if Te'o gets branded a bully and Graham

◼   ► gets branded the victim of a bully that

◼   ► doesn't help at all because it's not the

◼   ► dynamic like bullies are a very specific

◼   ► small small group of children and their

◼   ► behavior is is a specific thing bullying

◼   ► is not as this is another social

◼   ► engineering thing right bullying is not

◼   ► some rampant epidemic that every kid is

◼   ► doing to one another like there's a

◼   ► bully you can pick the bully out the

◼   ► bully is expressing something that's

◼   ► going on in his family or her family and

◼   ► to you know to grab tail by the shirt

◼   ► and say no bullying you know we have a

◼   ► no bullying posture or pop whatever yeah

◼   ► policy policy well now tails like oh

◼   ► shit I'm a bully like all I was doing

◼   ► was karate chopping him and grams like

◼   ► oh I'm a victim that's not how you want

◼   ► Graham to see himself

◼   ► so anyway my policy right now is just to

◼   ► ride my bike along and part of it is

◼   ► that I know I'm not gonna

◼   ► I cannot help her and this is a terrible

◼   ► admission I can be there but if her

◼   ► friends decide to ice her out of a thing

◼   ► if they're all playing in a circle on

◼   ► the playground and she comes up and says

◼   ► what are we doing and they say something

◼   ► without you like no amount of advice or

◼   ► or my own experience or or my

◼   ► intelligence or hers can solve it

◼   ► fucking hell right right and help at all

◼   ► it's just less it's just a it's an

◼   ► endurance test and you know that what a

◼   ► day will come when she has friends again

◼   ► it may be tomorrow in fact but sometimes

◼   ► it's it's it's certainly it's not very

◼   ► comforting back to earlier it's not very

◼   ► comforting to just say you know

◼   ► sometimes life sucks or sometimes this

◼   ► is the way things are sometimes there

◼   ► are some things I was talking to

◼   ► Syracuse about this to go just go a

◼   ► little dark for a second we're talking

◼   ► about the UM the shooter drills that

◼   ► they do in school and like around the

◼   ► time after when they were like ramping

◼   ► up at various schools many schools were

◼   ► like basically doing like more of the

◼   ► like less of the like let's hide in the

◼   ► closet and more of like let's barricade

◼   ► the door kind of stuff and we're talking

◼   ► about like you know have you talked to

◼   ► your kids about this and I was just

◼   ► saying how I find it difficult because

◼   ► I'm not sure what like I say this to her

◼   ► obviously haven't but like I'm not sure

◼   ► what she can do about that I'm not sure

◼   ► what I can offer I'm trying to pivot

◼   ► like sort of to what you're saying here

◼   ► of like well you know sometimes people

◼   ► are shady like but like what advice do

◼   ► you have to give about hiding her

◼   ► somebody with a gun like what do you do

◼   ► to advise like everybody in that school

◼   ► the phrase that I find myself turning to

◼   ► a lot this is

◼   ► you talk about trying on ideas like a

◼   ► like a sports jacket

◼   ► everybody's trying stuff out sometimes

◼   ► people were trying stuff out maybe some

◼   ► days maybe Tia's not being a bully he's

◼   ► just trying a different karate chop and

◼   ► and that doesn't mean they're gonna

◼   ► always be that way

◼   ► but sometimes everybody's shitty

◼   ► sometimes everybody has a bad day like I

◼   ► say they're just you what what makes

◼   ► this a true like agent of chaos in our

◼   ► lives though is sometimes people are

◼   ► doing things that you won't be able to

◼   ► understand and you won't be able to

◼   ► prevent and I think sometimes I don't

◼   ► know how often that is so great as a

◼   ► piece of advice especially for a young

◼   ► person because if you do that from day

◼   ► one you know you just live on a farm and

◼   ► have a hardscrabble existence and have

◼   ► family dies you just say well shit

◼   ► happens but I I mean there's times where

◼   ► I'm like I don't really have much to add

◼   ► to this apart from saying like sometimes

◼   ► really dumb shit happens it's not your

◼   ► fault and sometimes it is your fault and

◼   ► sometimes dumb shit happens to matter

◼   ► what like what what great what great

◼   ► like audio-visual slide deck am I gonna

◼   ► do to help explain to you that like no

◼   ► matter how well you hide in the closet

◼   ► it's not gonna stop a guy with a gun you

◼   ► here's some advice well and and I guess

◼   ► the other thing I'm realizing is because

◼   ► I thought I was being wise parent by

◼   ► kind of giving her a little bit of the

◼   ► like well you know they're they're bad

◼   ► people and and people honestly are

◼   ► terrible to each other and we try to be

◼   ► good to each other or some version of

◼   ► that's not terrible it's not except that

◼   ► that's all I just get the feeling hmm

◼   ► that that is a not comforting and be

◼   ► something that cannot really be

◼   ► communicated through words yeah comes

◼   ► from experience yeah yeah you learn it

◼   ► there well that's the other thing that

◼   ► we're I mean kind of as an elephant in

◼   ► the room is that there are certain kinds

◼   ► of advice or observations that are a

◼   ► hundred percent pretty much empirically

◼   ► true but they are at certain junctions

◼   ► in one's life they are neither

◼   ► comforting nor useful right even though

◼   ► there

◼   ► but like how am i what i guess my worry

◼   ► is am i filling up the air between us

◼   ► with words that mean little or nothing

◼   ► to her oh yeah sometimes I just need to

◼   ► pedal the bike yeah right that the words

◼   ► that because this isn't something I've

◼   ► kind of been confronting in my adult

◼   ► relationships recently which is wait a

◼   ► minute we talked a lot about this thing

◼   ► let's say for instance that one of us

◼   ► you or I at some point recently had a

◼   ► millennium girlfriend huh

◼   ► hypothetically we talked a lot about

◼   ► things and at the end of talking a lot

◼   ► about them it's unclear where we were on

◼   ► those things but it was not a case that

◼   ► we talked them through and they were

◼   ► then solved you know there was always

◼   ► some there's always another iteration

◼   ► that's in and at a certain point you

◼   ► don't want to succumb to a feeling that

◼   ► no one can ever change because I don't

◼   ► believe that and I know people say it

◼   ► then it always sounds why's it always

◼   ► like it always is

◼   ► no one ever changes after they're 12

◼   ► years old signed Martin Luther King

◼   ► whatever you're like well I don't know

◼   ► about that like that's not very hopeful

◼   ► and I like to have a little bit of hope

◼   ► but also as you have said many times

◼   ► when was the last time you changed

◼   ► because someone told you you were doing

◼   ► it wrong yeah especially at high volume

◼   ► right like when was the last time you

◼   ► changed it somebody yelled at either you

◼   ► word that you were doing it wrong and

◼   ► it's absolutely true that's not how you

◼   ► change either and so and people people

◼   ► write me a lot because I'm publicly like

◼   ► a recovering alcoholic and they say Here

◼   ► I am I'm in at the front door of rehab

◼   ► for the third time like do you have any

◼   ► advice can you make can you help me make

◼   ► this work and all I can ever say is like

◼   ► you'll get sober when you're done and if

◼   ► you're not done

◼   ► you don't want it enough to make it

◼   ► happen like you have to want it that

◼   ► rehab doesn't matter your your wife or

◼   ► your parents or your boyfriend being

◼   ► really concerned about you doesn't

◼   ► matter honestly your health doesn't

◼   ► matter because if you don't want to stop

◼   ► you'll just fucking keep doing it and

◼   ► when you want to stop you'll know and

◼   ► it's not like when you want to stop it

◼   ► suddenly easy it's like when you want to

◼   ► stop it will be fucking hard and

◼   ► excruciating and you'll do it anyway and

◼   ► that's true of change of any kind and so

◼   ► in my I mean my unfolding feeling about

◼   ► what my relationship with my job as a

◼   ► dad is is like am I just trying to

◼   ► comfort myself I know I totally I

◼   ► totally know filling up the space with

◼   ► all these words that mean less than

◼   ► nothing to her

◼   ► something something wisdom yeah right

◼   ► something something you'll figure it out

◼   ► something something everybody's life is

◼   ► hard you know why not just pedal why not

◼   ► just pedal your bike for what you're

◼   ► what you're offering yeah

◼   ► but in terms of your three days alone

◼   ► yeah what about lunch she my wife made a

◼   ► list

◼   ► journalist for me show me each day what

◼   ► I should make rage it's wonderful but

◼   ► but I also feel like maybe you should

◼   ► take that list down and look at should

◼   ► go commando is free Tollett I think you

◼   ► should just tear that list really slowly

◼   ► right down the middle right in front of

◼   ► your daughter

◼   ► see what happens yeah you and Daddy for

◼   ► the next three days we're gonna make

◼   ► this we're gonna figure this out so I

◼   ► call her into the room I call her into

◼   ► the kitchen I look her dead in the eyes

◼   ► I do the thing was look to hear mm-hmm

◼   ► and then I without even taking my eyes

◼   ► away from her I pull a fridge magnet

◼   ► falls to the floor I hold up an index

◼   ► card and I very slowly tear in half

◼   ► here's the plan

◼   ► we're all gonna die but you know I

◼   ► really think that that part of her life

◼   ► let's be honest part of her life is

◼   ► going to be helping daddy I try to find

◼   ► things this is now this is what a what a

◼   ► weird sad limp noodle I am is like my

◼   ► focus is on

◼   ► okay so here's where's one a life hack

◼   ► if you want a kid to load the dishwasher

◼   ► start by saying maybe it's not a chore

◼   ► maybe does it or whatever let's not

◼   ► worry about what it is do me a favor Q

◼   ► put the forks in the dishwasher for me

◼   ► mm-hmm

◼   ► you just need to pierce the veil get

◼   ► that going right so I mean one thing is

◼   ► that like what to you and me like for

◼   ► example like using mash what if somebody

◼   ► runs up to you they're going ah this

◼   ► person is choking you got a got to use

◼   ► your bic pen and give them a the thing

◼   ► we bring you out of me

◼   ► tracheotomy now I've seen that on TV

◼   ► enough to know that with father monkeys

◼   ► pen knife and a pen I should be able to

◼   ► give somebody a tracheotomy I'm not

◼   ► gonna do that nearly as well there's

◼   ► gonna be hesitation marks as I'm cutting

◼   ► open the students throat because a

◼   ► doctor has done it more than me they've

◼   ► had the training they know that they'll

◼   ► survive the experience of having done

◼   ► that but for a kid loading the

◼   ► dishwasher is not that different from

◼   ► doing a tracheotomy they don't know

◼   ► what's supposed to happen next and

◼   ► there's gonna be tons of blood they

◼   ► don't want to do that so I feel like

◼   ► doing it in steps and then second try to

◼   ► find a way to let them be proud to make

◼   ► make something that they can be proud of

◼   ► that I think that can be part of the

◼   ► stimulation it's not gonna work for

◼   ► everything but like for certain kinds of

◼   ► projects especially things that involve

◼   ► cleaning up or arrangement like if you

◼   ► can help with dinner maybe you can make

◼   ► a crudite platter and make that really

◼   ► pretty for us you know I'm saying but

◼   ► sometimes so like you know hey can you

◼   ► set the table and like will you make the

◼   ► napkins fancy mmm just a thought but a

◼   ► weight is something you know to have a

◼   ► little hook into with that said oh I

◼   ► don't know where I blew it or how many

◼   ► times I blew it but everything that's

◼   ► not a fun thing is punishment now is

◼   ► brought to you in part by Squarespace

◼   ► you can learn more about Squarespace

◼   ► right now by visiting squarespace.com

◼   ► slash supertrain oh you guys I got this

◼   ► copy I need to read to you but here's

◼   ► what you really need to know Squarespace

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◼   ► what we use to host the Roderick on the

◼   ► line podcast I use it for a ton of my

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◼   ► use it for this program I use it from my

◼   ► personal sites I use it for my ungainly

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◼   ► purchase our thanks to Squarespace for

◼   ► supporting Roddick on the line and all

◼   ► the great shows I know like sweetie

◼   ► you've got yogurt in your hair you're

◼   ► teasing me what do you mean why do you

◼   ► have to do everything clean the yogurt

◼   ► out of your

◼   ► Oh God oh my god I have to do everything

◼   ► around here oh my god appreciated I'm

◼   ► struggling so hard with that I want to

◼   ► be appreciated I want somebody notice I

◼   ► did the dishes four times today not a

◼   ► very good job but I did do it four times

◼   ► today yeah I just I feel like she she

◼   ► has to know that I mean I'm not trying

◼   ► to I'm not trying to have my daughter be

◼   ► my assistant but I definitely do feel

◼   ► like she understands now she came into

◼   ► my room the other day with a piece of

◼   ► artwork that she'd done woke me up

◼   ► handed me this piece of artwork I liked

◼   ► bleary-eyed

◼   ► rub the sleep from my eyes look at it

◼   ► it's a it's a picture of a doorway and

◼   ► over the top of it in big letters it

◼   ► says wake up okay so we both understand

◼   ► that Daddy is needs a little extra sleep

◼   ► yeah compared to other grown-ups that's

◼   ► subtle

◼   ► Danny was up late sweetie thinking very

◼   ► deep thoughts about why no one will play

◼   ► with him until 4:20 in the morning nice

◼   ► but you know message received yeah I got

◼   ► it this morning I got that this morning

◼   ► you said she said I slept for an hour

◼   ► last night I said really slept we slept

◼   ► for an hour last night because at one

◼   ► point I woke up and she wasn't been with

◼   ► us cuz she couldn't sleep

◼   ► she says I slept for an hour last night

◼   ► I was at sucks an hour and she goes you

◼   ► know why he starts doing this thing huh

◼   ► with her eyes like looking over and kind

◼   ► of doing her head like this huh like

◼   ► she's indicating something and I go what

◼   ► cheers you know what for some reason I

◼   ► instantly knew and I said was I snoring

◼   ► and she goes yeah wake up says the

◼   ► doorway very subtle very subtle of

◼   ► course the head huh huh and I come back

◼   ► with oh yeah well you know I didn't

◼   ► sleep very well last night cuz I try so

◼   ► goddamn hard to sleep on my side so I

◼   ► don't snore I don't know I'm snoring I

◼   ► live in this world where like I only

◼   ► fight I mean I it's like ambien walking

◼   ► like I'm doing things I don't know that

◼   ► I'm doing and I think I'm trying to help

◼   ► apparently I'm not anyway not for a

◼   ► fucking second do I believe she got only

◼   ► an hour of sleep

◼   ► no her sense of how much sleep she got

◼   ► is very very problematic yeah well and

◼   ► you know and whose responsibility it is

◼   ► I mean the snoring like listen I'm with

◼   ► the room I should I should get one of

◼   ► those sleep things so I should go to a

◼   ► clinic maybe get one of those masks we

◼   ► have on MSNBC listen nothing is better

◼   ► than a kpop mask or whatever the hell

◼   ► those things forget a kpop that's

◼   ► Gangnam style write it skate that

◼   ► that'll do Pig I gotta make some fucking

◼   ► lunches

◼   ► lunches

◼   ► [Music]

◼   ► hello hi John hello hello oh hello hello

◼   ► hello hi John hi Marilyn how's it going

◼   ► Oh so super hello hello good morning hey

◼   ► good morning oh my god buddy I'm in a

◼   ► state John tell me uh you don't want to

◼   ► know do you want to know it I'm in a

◼   ► state is what you sound like a frog in

◼   ► my pot of water and slowly turning up

◼   ► the heat how even will I know when to

◼   ► jump out of this incorrect analogy I

◼   ► don't even know it's it's heartbreaking

◼   ► I need your advice

◼   ► what's going on that's a big week how is

◼   ► this week different from other weeks the

◼   ► week that we leave a seat for Elijah

◼   ► yeah ah Mazel Tov John this this is one

◼   ► of those frantic weeks because it will

◼   ► require some solo parenting from me oh

◼   ► this is unusual and exciting yeah do you

◼   ► feel like this is in your wheelhouse is

◼   ► this something you can help me with oh

◼   ► yeah absolutely you know my daughter's

◼   ► mother left this morning at 4 a.m. for a

◼   ► week-long business trip to your city San

◼   ► Francisco finest girl wave to her from

◼   ► my from my office here a top six your

◼   ► Tower yeah yeah from your premiere seven

◼   ► sided lighthouse made of frames

◼   ► Margiela Marge Ellen Marge ellos March

◼   ► Ellen she's got my chemtrails she and I

◼   ► are gonna have a very very fine week but

◼   ► you know I I do have I do have my mother

◼   ► in town so she also is very helpful it's

◼   ► not it's very seldom that I am in a

◼   ► situation where I'm looking at five days

◼   ► where there's just no no respite five

◼   ► days but I often am the only parent of

◼   ► record for for four or five days oh

◼   ► listen I don't wanna make this the whole

◼   ► show but I could use like I need some

◼   ► advice I need to vent that's the wrong

◼   ► word no no not bad you know what it is

◼   ► it's an airing of failures I feel like

◼   ► it's important you need to periodically

◼   ► air my failures and let's be honest to

◼   ► show my vulnerabilities about something

◼   ► that I would like to think I'm good at

◼   ► and I'm not sure I'm really that good at

◼   ► let's just look at this as like a Lower

◼   ► East Side Tenement alleyway and you're

◼   ► just putting that wet laundry out on a

◼   ► on a rope high above high above the sea

◼   ► good morning this is spaghetti right

◼   ► we're all your neighbors can see your

◼   ► drawers they call them pants in England

◼   ► yeah because because that's the only way

◼   ► we have we don't have a washer and dryer

◼   ► we're done we're not the future yet and

◼   ► I'm not a snork no okay so without

◼   ► getting into too much detail milady

◼   ► needs to do some business travel that

◼   ► will necessitate me being the the sole

◼   ► parent for three nights she is an

◼   ► important lady and she has stuff to do

◼   ► up she's a business lady she has to do

◼   ► and but here's the funny part is like I

◼   ► well first of all there's just this

◼   ► whole like when I was talking to you

◼   ► this morning about like potentially

◼   ► rescheduling because I'm at a fever

◼   ► pitch because there's the things you got

◼   ► to do before you do the things you're

◼   ► gonna do yeah sure you experienced

◼   ► something that I call compression mm-hm

◼   ► you get compression suddenly events take

◼   ► on a new kind of valence because they

◼   ► need to be done by a certain time your

◼   ► life becomes an existential rally

◼   ► for other people this is not hard I

◼   ► think other people are wired better than

◼   ► I but I will have my daughter by myself

◼   ► for three nights and that's going to

◼   ► mean some get into school and some

◼   ► picking up it involves making lunch yeah

◼   ► which is is fraught the thing I

◼   ► eventually want to get to you though is

◼   ► I know you're not a big screen parent I

◼   ► want to know how you handle the time the

◼   ► long long times yeah you're with the

◼   ► trial because this is not a tenement in

◼   ► Brooklyn you can't just send your kid

◼   ► off to play play stickball you know you

◼   ► got a helicopter over them any advice

◼   ► you got i'll get any observations you

◼   ► have philosophical practical anything

◼   ► that you can offer that will help me and

◼   ► let's be honest my daughter survived

◼   ► three days you know if there if there

◼   ► were ever a case where I prepared a

◼   ► topic in advance or had even the

◼   ► slightest idea what we were going to

◼   ► talk about in the three and a half

◼   ► minutes between when I wake up and when

◼   ► I sit down here compression is what I

◼   ► you know is what I would have talked

◼   ► about today because I'm also feeling

◼   ► like every spare minute is filled now

◼   ► with something filled with some creamy

◼   ► like vanilla pudding mmm

◼   ► it's not bad it's just full mostly

◼   ► somebody sprayed that in all the

◼   ► available area is putting now mm-hmm

◼   ► just but full of vanilla pudding I mean

◼   ► like a vanilla pudding but you are in a

◼   ► situation of that so you know because

◼   ► because you hit the nail on the head

◼   ► already

◼   ► yeah being a parent is just to feel like

◼   ► you're failing that and all the time

◼   ► that's how I used to think that that

◼   ► would go away before I was actually go

◼   ► away yeah like for at least not for me I

◼   ► keep thinking it's gonna go away too but

◼   ► you know I read every day it's a new

◼   ► thing where it's like oh boy I didn't do

◼   ► a pretty good job and I'm constantly

◼   ► realizing I'm too late on things you

◼   ► know whether that's something like I

◼   ► should have ordered turkey breasts for

◼   ► sandwiches tomorrow so guess what I

◼   ► forgot there's a field trip on Wednesday

◼   ► morning and it has to be a packable

◼   ► lunch with nothing nothing plastic

◼   ► interests

◼   ► I am playing a horrible Milton Bradley

◼   ► board game of many other people's design

◼   ► at this point you gotta practice the

◼   ► ukulele you got it oh by the way they're

◼   ► getting extra homework now because it's

◼   ► fifth grade next year which is a real

◼   ► grade so now they're getting more

◼   ► homework they doubled the math it

◼   ► doubled the reading log you still got to

◼   ► do all of that I love how they do that

◼   ► where they're like next year is real

◼   ► school so we're gonna pile on a bunch of

◼   ► like real school stuff now I was a

◼   ► senior in order to get you ready for

◼   ► next year and it's like well you're just

◼   ► what are we doing before yeah we're just

◼   ► doing it now then instead of been oh

◼   ► yeah we got to do it now instead of you

◼   ► know like I told you didn't I that I got

◼   ► that I got um I got a failing grade in

◼   ► seventh grade advanced English because

◼   ► the teacher said in high school they

◼   ► don't use pencils I hate the story I

◼   ► hate the story so much in high school

◼   ► they don't use pencils so we have to

◼   ► start using using pens we have to start

◼   ► learning to use pens and I I just never

◼   ► had a pen I mean that you know that they

◼   ► would buy me pens but I was lose them I

◼   ► had all I had was pencils I just I

◼   ► wanted to work in pencil it was fine and

◼   ► the teacher said that she would no

◼   ► longer accept anything written in pencil

◼   ► his daddy blue or blue black blue black

◼   ► ink

◼   ► it's alright slept it would be an

◼   ► automatic zero and so I continued to do

◼   ► my work through the entire year page

◼   ► after page of English assignment which

◼   ► she continued to mark zero Todd because

◼   ► she was preparing me for high school

◼   ► isn't that nice the way she did that

◼   ► yeah she sure did yeah another angle of

◼   ► I'm going to interrupt you but the other

◼   ► angle of this is like all the secret

◼   ► double double probation rules we're like

◼   ► you know there's I don't know if you get

◼   ► this yet with her work but there's a lot

◼   ► of assignments we get we're in addition

◼   ► to not understanding the way that

◼   ► they're teaching math now that's okay I

◼   ► know it's a better way I'm learning but

◼   ► in addition to that there's like it's

◼   ► sometimes difficult to tell

◼   ► to quote Glengarry Glen Ross you know

◼   ► what is this in-service of it

◼   ► if are we testing handwriting are we

◼   ► testing creativity are we testing

◼   ► following the directions because I would

◼   ► counsel to do all these things real

◼   ► differently but it's real weird when it

◼   ► comes down to like well kind of doesn't

◼   ► matter what you did if you didn't use

◼   ► ink like I guess yeah that's that's a

◼   ► rule yeah what are we what are we

◼   ► teaching oh we're teaching we're

◼   ► teaching this child not to believe that

◼   ► adult them have any knowledge yeah I

◼   ► think we don't really have perspective

◼   ► or understanding context they understand

◼   ► could the creation of compliance now is

◼   ► they're not hot lunch at your school yes

◼   ► there is but we're also well she's got

◼   ► compression to their entire lunch period

◼   ► is 20 minutes yeah yeah yeah so it's

◼   ► already staggered to where like I think

◼   ► two grades at a time the kids go to

◼   ► lunch the littlest kids go first then

◼   ► the next group and then my daughter is

◼   ► in the third group and she that was the

◼   ► most the groups have 25 minutes she's

◼   ► got 20 minutes and so like if you go

◼   ► through the lines is boring

◼   ► but if you go through the line

◼   ► everything that really cuts into your

◼   ► your eating time your shuck and jive

◼   ► time you know this sounds like a like a

◼   ► proven problem well it's it's you know

◼   ► again I understand that we're all

◼   ► playing a different tile game a

◼   ► different puzzle game you know this is

◼   ► what makes adulthood complicated is

◼   ► everybody has a different puzzle game

◼   ► and that's not doesn't imperfect analogy

◼   ► but there's not a single person out

◼   ► there it's like a five by five

◼   ► everything's going great

◼   ► like everybody out there struggling with

◼   ► something there's resource constraints

◼   ► at the school like okay so what's lunch

◼   ► well lunch is partly like who's gonna

◼   ► supervise them because lawsuits and like

◼   ► time constraints and all that stuff so I

◼   ► think that she prefers the packed lunch

◼   ► with which my wonderful wonderful wife

◼   ► makes for her most most mornings right

◼   ► she makes a nice little meal in a little

◼   ► bento box and there's that a mommy or

◼   ► there's raspberries or there's carrots

◼   ► and like she has this internal barometer

◼   ► for how to make like a dignified lunch

◼   ► but I feel like what you know like you

◼   ► were saying before a lot of a lot of a

◼   ► lot of what you

◼   ► trying to deal with now is like what

◼   ► kind of groundwork have you laid and my

◼   ► sensei like I don't I do not have a like

◼   ► a complete picture of of the inner life

◼   ► of the of the of your your family and

◼   ► your home there but my sense is that you

◼   ► do not like to disappoint your wife and

◼   ► daughter

◼   ► and so she's accustomed to this kind of

◼   ► lunch and you want to you want to

◼   ► maintain that right insistency whereas

◼   ► in my family I laid the groundwork that

◼   ► right at the beginning that I was going

◼   ► to consistently disappoint everyone you

◼   ► set an expectation I set an expectation

◼   ► that that Daddy is going to daddy

◼   ► disappoints sometimes daddy shows up to

◼   ► school in his pajamas sometimes daddy's

◼   ► missing a two thought photo days just

◼   ► raising like do you take them out of the

◼   ► box is just a raisin that says am on it

◼   ► no it's like six little box raises this

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◼   ► Khan the line and all the great shows

◼   ► and sometimes sometimes you today why

◼   ► don't you get hot lunch and if if her

◼   ► response is daddy says like well I

◼   ► didn't like the irony Wars of the 90s

◼   ► but I lived through them right right I

◼   ► figure my frequent responses like she'll

◼   ► say like oh I have a pack lunch with the

◼   ► bespoke turkey sandwich and my response

◼   ► is usually yeah well I want to be tall

◼   ► yes so you have to just answer your

◼   ► question though yes not only do I want

◼   ► to meet skits somewhere near the bar of

◼   ► what my desperately competent wife is

◼   ► able to do but like I'd like it to also

◼   ► be I'd like it to be fun and then worst

◼   ► of all I wanted to not be stressful

◼   ► which is one of the hardest parts for me

◼   ► is I really try to minimize unnecessary

◼   ► stress because there's baseline stress

◼   ► just cuz you got to do hair and socks

◼   ► and everything and tooth brushing to get

◼   ► out of the house but like that's the

◼   ► other part of it so I feel like I've

◼   ► probably set an unreasonable bar for

◼   ► myself and that's that causes the more

◼   ► of this anxiety in me yeah yeah I mean

◼   ► the thing is a she's fine and B

◼   ► she'll I mean she'll be fine whatever

◼   ► however the week goes yeah kids bounce

◼   ► but also like I you know she is a little

◼   ► girl who likes an adventure and a plan

◼   ► you know like a like a you know she's

◼   ► she's into I mean you know none of them

◼   ► like adventure and in that if you're

◼   ► like let's try something new they don't

◼   ► want to right but but I think if you go

◼   ► to her and say mom is out of town we

◼   ► need to really partner up on this and

◼   ► that's gonna involve you helping daddy

◼   ► as much as it is daddy helping you

◼   ► interesting

◼   ► ah so we make it some something we need

◼   ► to work on together well and yeah it's

◼   ► like a project and also you're relying

◼   ► on her she's your partner she's your

◼   ► main partner in this and so you know

◼   ► like you raise your eyes it's it's like

◼   ► I'm noticing with my little girl that

◼   ► all the things that I made the mistake

◼   ► of calling chores like clean up your

◼   ► room and you know chores I already at 7

◼   ► years old just get these huge eye rolls

◼   ► and these long sighs and then I go in an

◼   ► hour later and she's sitting in the

◼   ► middle sitting uh you know cross-leg on

◼   ► the floor in the middle of her mess just

◼   ► sort of reading an Archie mm-hmm I'm

◼   ► like where did you even get an Archie

◼   ► because because somehow you perhaps

◼   ► unintentionally set that up as a

◼   ► negative thing it's a chore just had

◼   ► it's just like the name right there in

◼   ► the name but I've lately started to say

◼   ► I started to say those things like well

◼   ► not long ago like I was cooking her mom

◼   ► was been there you know chopping and

◼   ► stuff and she's standing in the doorway

◼   ► just kind of watching and I said hey set

◼   ► the table and she got this look of like

◼   ► uh Wow and I said well you know look

◼   ► what a table looks like when it's set

◼   ► and you know what it looks like now so

◼   ► to put all the things on the table that

◼   ► aren't on it now

◼   ► and she was like ah and she walked

◼   ► around the kitchen kind of just like

◼   ► right like she'd never seen the kitchen

◼   ► before yeah

◼   ► opening drawers and wondering like what

◼   ► you know like she said at one point like

◼   ► like you mean like drinking glasses and

◼   ► I was like well asked and answered

◼   ► and you know I'm cooking like I don't

◼   ► have a like stuffs burnin and stuff well

◼   ► so she went over and she put some

◼   ► combination of things on the table that

◼   ► basically that were the things that she

◼   ► could reach and the things that she

◼   ► thought of like there were three pepper

◼   ► shakers or whatever she was going around

◼   ► and but she got some she managed to put

◼   ► some table settings and you know what

◼   ► kind of with me over my shoulder like

◼   ► everybody needs a spoon not just you and

◼   ► [Laughter]

◼   ► and she was just like and it wasn't even

◼   ► a case of like she was proud because I

◼   ► didn't I didn't really over praise I

◼   ► just was like good alright good

◼   ► yeah now we need napkins and because I

◼   ► was also doing something and her mom was

◼   ► also doing something so when we all came

◼   ► together it felt like well we all did

◼   ► something to be here and not it wasn't a

◼   ► thing like kind of we normally do where

◼   ► I turn the praise Canon on her and like

◼   ► oh my god you didn't end up fucking

◼   ► putting chocolate on everything like

◼   ► you're a genius

◼   ► it was just like all right so the other

◼   ► day it's like almost like a first round

◼   ► of AI like you're like oh you got it

◼   ► kind of right that's not totally wrong

◼   ► but the other day I'm in the kitchen and

◼   ► and the dishwasher beeps and she says

◼   ► what do you do you know like it's done

◼   ► washing and she's like well what what oh

◼   ► you know what was that what happens now

◼   ► and I said I opened the dishwasher and

◼   ► you know emptying the dishwasher is

◼   ► super complicated but I was like here

◼   ► put the silverware away and so she takes

◼   ► a little silverware basket out and just

◼   ► you

◼   ► kind of every single every single

◼   ► implement was a new puzzle right okay

◼   ► forks go here but where does this fork

◼   ► go well that also goes there oh I see

◼   ► this all the time my daughter can make a

◼   ► multi acre Palace in Minecraft but she

◼   ► still doesn't understand that that one's

◼   ► compost it's it's it's it's you know

◼   ► what I mean the pseudo some areas where

◼   ► like there's the encode so well with

◼   ► certain things that they are motivated

◼   ► about but there's other kinds of things

◼   ► where you're like honey I are you okay

◼   ► did you hit your head you hurt your head

◼   ► you know we always have Forks you know

◼   ► you got to put socks on every day what

◼   ► what well what was crazy was because I

◼   ► again I was not monitoring her not not

◼   ► that she could tell right I was looking

◼   ► at her out of the corner of my eye but I

◼   ► was not like helping because I was

◼   ► emptying the other part of the

◼   ► dishwasher the stuff that she couldn't

◼   ► reach like that complicated heavy shelf

◼   ► just she can't get up she can't get

◼   ► something up on it on a high shelf you

◼   ► know but so she's just puttering away at

◼   ► her own time trying to figure out like

◼   ► you know and she'd hold stuff up like

◼   ► where does this go and I'm like ah right

◼   ► that goes over here and and so at the

◼   ► end when the dishwasher was empty she

◼   ► said now can we load it and I was like

◼   ► now can we load it I have never once in

◼   ► my life loaded a dishwasher immediately

◼   ► after emptying that's right sure we can

◼   ► load it and she started putting the

◼   ► silverware in the dirty silverware in

◼   ► the baskets in the basket and a stiix by

◼   ► type all the forks go here oh I like

◼   ► that

◼   ► I like that fine all the knives well

◼   ► that's not how I do it and she was not

◼   ► coached to do this like the forks to be

◼   ► in the bass stick together they do this

◼   ► was like one of those like you're

◼   ► broadcasting of a thing you know

◼   ► like that I had never seen before I see

◼   ► her organize things all the time but

◼   ► like oh all the forks go together do

◼   ► they because she had just unloaded the

◼   ► dishwasher three minutes before that was

◼   ► not organized that way so she was taking

◼   ► it she was taking over how it's gonna

◼   ► get done

◼   ► Wow and this is a long conversation

◼   ► slash argument within the Jonathan

◼   ► Coulton Christine Connor family oh

◼   ► really

◼   ► Christine believes that that's how the

◼   ► dishes should be done all the forks go

◼   ► together and all the spoons go together

◼   ► Jonathan argues that the spoons then all

◼   ► nest against one another and don't get

◼   ► clean and bases like to not OCD is too

◼   ► strong a term but like it's two

◼   ► different a wackadoo theories about like

◼   ► why needs to be a certain way yeah and

◼   ► you know I've been friends with that

◼   ► family for a long time and you would be

◼   ► surprised the number of times that this

◼   ► comes up sitting around though sitting

◼   ► around the table or I would not in the

◼   ► morning I would not there are a variety

◼   ► of things that I still find incredibly

◼   ► perplexing from a logical standpoint

◼   ► that I don't bring up in the interest of

◼   ► sanity and peace

◼   ► yeah it's it's really it's hilarious and

◼   ► I know I know I'm just as guilty I know

◼   ► there are things that I do that make no

◼   ► sense to anybody else in the house

◼   ► either seems too tightly wound or way

◼   ► too chaotic or just like unknowable like

◼   ► why would you not always do that thing

◼   ► after you do this thing it just follows

◼   ► logically

◼   ► well in this case I sent a text to

◼   ► Jonathan Christine saying oh guess what

◼   ► guess who's on Team Christine and

◼   ► immediately it precipitated a text

◼   ► argument between husband and wife I

◼   ► don't even I don't know they could be

◼   ► sitting on the couch together I don't

◼   ► know whether they were in separate towns

◼   ► or whatever but you know Christine said

◼   ► she's a genius it's the only right way

◼   ► to do it

◼   ► and Jonathan immediately texted this is

◼   ► you know this is she is wrong she's

◼   ► history's greatest monster she's wrong

◼   ► as everyone who practices this

◼   ► abomination is wrong

◼   ► the nesting thing that's an interesting

◼   ► POV well you know he's kind of

◼   ► interesting POV on things they're gonna

◼   ► nest the spoons are gonna nest this is

◼   ► also the way I say again OCD I know

◼   ► that's a specific kind of thing but like

◼   ► there are some kinds of people that say

◼   ► oh that person so tightly wound their

◼   ► anal because they need everything to be

◼   ► like in a row

◼   ► and there's other people who have a

◼   ► different flavor of that where they

◼   ► can't stand stuff being in a row right

◼   ► there's some kind of people that want

◼   ► everything to be even numbers and so

◼   ► many people who are it has to be odd

◼   ► numbers and and it feels like an

◼   ► opposite when it's really like a very

◼   ► similar thing well you know in my

◼   ► kitchen there are no matching plates

◼   ► cups or glasses every plate has to be a

◼   ► has to be a different plate that's

◼   ► eclectic well it's just I like in my

◼   ► mom's house everything had to match and

◼   ► I cannot have everything match and I'm

◼   ► guessing an equal number like you have

◼   ► this there's this mini salad forks

◼   ► there's this mini small plates that kind

◼   ► of thing all done just exact all done

◼   ► just like perfectly and I think if if

◼   ► you broke a small plate then the whole

◼   ► set of plates would go and a new set of

◼   ► plates would arrived whoa

◼   ► because like you know you don't want you

◼   ► don't want four of everything in three

◼   ► years the world in our own ways but my

◼   ► house is all every everything is is

◼   ► individual and partly it's that I like

◼   ► going to thrift stores and finding

◼   ► things and I find a thing and I'm like

◼   ► here's a new one and I would but but

◼   ► like now the idea of having even I mean

◼   ► two plates matching would be even worse

◼   ► than all plates matching I totally get

◼   ► that

◼   ► just now you look careless you just look

◼   ► like where'd you get Oh two-ply using a

◼   ► rube you look like an eccentric Pig a

◼   ► rube but but you know the argument about

◼   ► the silverware both because again

◼   ► believe me I've heard it a hundred times

◼   ► it Chrystia we're gonna call this team

◼   ► steaming team Jonathan yeah Christine

◼   ► says it makes it easier at when when the

◼   ► dishes are done to just reach in grab

◼   ► them all and put them away

◼   ► it makes it easier jonathan counters by

◼   ► saying you gotta sort them at one point

◼   ► either before or after so it's not any

◼   ► easier you're just you're just doing the

◼   ► hard work one at a time when you put

◼   ► them in sorting them into their proper

◼   ► bastok instead of just throwing them in

◼   ► there and saving precious seconds so

◼   ► it's like it's like two waves of just

◼   ► like a view of the world and of time and

◼   ► now my own daughter has just

◼   ► instinctively exhibited a preference

◼   ► here and I cannot intervene because this

◼   ► is what my mom did to me I would she

◼   ► would say help me load the dishwasher I

◼   ► would do it some way let's say I would

◼   ► do it team Christine style and then she

◼   ► would come along go oh but here's how we

◼   ► do it and she would then redo it team

◼   ► Jonathan or whatever it would be the

◼   ► opposite whatever you did you did it

◼   ► wrong and so I can't do I cannot

◼   ► intervene in my own child's world in

◼   ► this way she's putting the silverware in

◼   ► and there's no way I'm gonna at that

◼   ► point say oh but nesting I thought I try

◼   ► to catch myself because at least she's

◼   ► doing it yeah oh yeah is that too much

◼   ► praise cannon because because I think I

◼   ► agree I'd rather see her do it in a kind

◼   ► of half-assed searching sort of way than

◼   ► like not at all absolutely and I would

◼   ► I'll live with some spoons that are

◼   ► slightly tarnished if it means that she

◼   ► thinks that that loading the dishwasher

◼   ► is one of the it's not a chore it's just

◼   ► one of the things that she does as part

◼   ► of our group effort like our tribe right

◼   ► because she starts she wants some tribal

◼   ► responsibilities and I think part of it

◼   ► was several weeks ago my mom and her mom

◼   ► were complaining about her that she was

◼   ► being intransigent she was just fighting

◼   ► everything yep and passive fighting a

◼   ► lot of it is

◼   ► active fighting and some of it is just

◼   ► like okay get your shoes on okay and

◼   ► then she says I say slow walking it slow

◼   ► walking that's right and so there so of

◼   ► course in the in my family dynamic all

◼   ► the grown-ups come to me and are like

◼   ► this has got to stop I'm not seven

◼   ► they're like well fix it

◼   ► and so we sat down and had a had a we

◼   ► were to the to the gas station mini-mart

◼   ► that sells Fried Chicken mm-hmm and I

◼   ► was like what's going on and she did all

◼   ► the little kid you know like try to

◼   ► weasel out of the conversation moves

◼   ► like man nothing or she even went as far

◼   ► as to say I don't want to talk about it

◼   ► really she didn't open with her what are

◼   ► you talking about what huh and then she

◼   ► did some of that like you know like look

◼   ► over here it's a bikini girl I'm like no

◼   ► I know all of these sweetie we're gonna

◼   ► have to talk about this and she was like

◼   ► ah and then she did thing I didn't

◼   ► expect which was she said well you know

◼   ► ever since I turned 7 everything's so

◼   ► hard oh I was like what's hard like

◼   ► everything's hard and she was like yeah

◼   ► I mean at school like I don't have any

◼   ► friends and she's like really like laid

◼   ► out this whole inner life I'm so

◼   ► impressed that I recognized as being

◼   ► like a 7 year old who has who's having a

◼   ► complicated emotional experience of

◼   ► things and doesn't want to talk about it

◼   ► yeah and so I was like oh shit okay you

◼   ► know lay it on me

◼   ► and so she just started just going down

◼   ► the list of all the things that ever

◼   ► since she turned seven had gone sideways

◼   ► and you know I listen and I was like ah

◼   ► boy there's really like everything here

◼   ► is just norm

◼   ► well it's the kind of like stuff it's

◼   ► the normal stuff that makes you realize

◼   ► that being alive is hard but we're gonna

◼   ► run long enough to know that that's

◼   ► normal and she's as a fresh that's a

◼   ► fresh hell for her yeah she's like no

◼   ► one would play with me on the playground

◼   ► and I'm like yeah well but I don't want

◼   ► to say that's normal

◼   ► mm-hmm I don't want to say that's weird

◼   ► because all those things establish some

◼   ► kind of I don't know like some kind of

◼   ► relationship between us I guess is what

◼   ► it establishes where if I if I say

◼   ► everything is normal then she starts to

◼   ► feel like well why are we talking then

◼   ► if it's all normal like leave me alone

◼   ► and if I you know if I get too much down

◼   ► into the seven-year-old weeds of saying

◼   ► like oh baby oh you know like

◼   ► emotionally over identifying with her

◼   ► then what I'm what good am I

◼   ► you know I'm just like I'm just another

◼   ► seven year old having the same

◼   ► experiences so anyway I didn't do

◼   ► anything I just listened to her and and

◼   ► oddly I mean I guess not oddly because

◼   ► this wasn't a scheme right this wasn't

◼   ► something I read in a book I was just at

◼   ► a loss of what to say but now she talks

◼   ► to me in a way that she doesn't talk to

◼   ► the other - Wow about and she and it's

◼   ► not like she comes home and is like oh

◼   ► what a hard day at school like she has

◼   ► to still I hope you're aware that that's

◼   ► not necessarily normal I mean that's

◼   ► good it's very good that's that's hard

◼   ► to wangle in my experience in the

◼   ► experience of other people I talked to

◼   ► yeah and so I'm just and so what I

◼   ► haven't because there's a grave

◼   ► responsibility for you though huh

◼   ► it is and and and it's it's very

◼   ► difficult for somebody like me to not

◼   ► try to solve problems yep and so I just

◼   ► sit and I'm like wow I find that to be

◼   ► true for about 49% of the population

◼   ► right kind of an mo yeah but you know

◼   ► it's in my family it's the opposite

◼   ► right my mom

◼   ► cannot cannot listen to you talk without

◼   ► trying to solve your problem and she's

◼   ► just like right let me let me solve the

◼   ► problem if you're like uh I kind of just

◼   ► venting she's like well fucking go

◼   ► outside then right we talked about this

◼   ► with her and her Susan yeah and the

◼   ► history you know she's like that with

◼   ► everybody but but it so in this case but

◼   ► you know I'm not like trying to solve it

◼   ► for her I'm just like oh let me give you

◼   ► some guidance right but I but I'm not

◼   ► doing that I'm just like and part of it

◼   ► is is really founded in total confusion

◼   ► about what anyone would say like what do

◼   ► you say to a seven-year-old girl who's

◼   ► best friends are playing with each other

◼   ► and don't want her play well there's to

◼   ► me there's like in that instance there's

◼   ► so many conflicting things I think I can

◼   ► say this without being too personal but

◼   ► like I feel like there's so many

◼   ► conflicting things in a moment like that

◼   ► where when I do get the rare chance to

◼   ► actually talk about like you know just

◼   ► something's not right whatever that is

◼   ► and we get to talk about it on the one

◼   ► hand yeah sure

◼   ► there's this there's this part of me

◼   ► that wants to help but I also feel like

◼   ► a thousand admonishments against myself

◼   ► like don't do this don't do that don't

◼   ► do that among amongst these don't try

◼   ► well maybe at the top of the list don't

◼   ► try to talk someone out of how they feel

◼   ► right now it's it's really not that much

◼   ► better than telling somebody who is

◼   ► grieving to buck up wide span well like

◼   ► you know I mean grieving and depression

◼   ► to things that are not helped by

◼   ► somebody telling you you feel better

◼   ► like don't do that but then on the other

◼   ► hand with a kid you don't want as you

◼   ► say like over just stick you late about

◼   ► it because that's weird what you don't

◼   ► do that about that many things like why

◼   ► are you so like emotional and like raw

◼   ► about this like what are you hiding you

◼   ► don't want to say it's not real and then

◼   ► the deeper level I feel like I don't

◼   ► want to find myself explaining why this

◼   ► is and that is when I fall on sometimes

◼   ► where I find myself saying something

◼   ► like you know sometimes people are

◼   ► really terrible to each other and we

◼   ► don't always know why but that's I don't

◼   ► want to do that either you know yeah the

◼   ► listening part is valuable but like it's

◼   ► it's it and then so the one though the

◼   ► one that kind of guides all of this is

◼   ► like

◼   ► and I have to I just because to be

◼   ► straight up about this like I don't want

◼   ► to fail as a father there's a part of me

◼   ► that goes like I should

◼   ► I've seen enough TV to know there should

◼   ► be something that I can do say not say

◼   ► or not do there's something that there

◼   ► is a better answer in this situation and

◼   ► I'll tear myself apart if I don't get

◼   ► that right well and so I think I think

◼   ► overall the dynamic that I'm trying to

◼   ► establish is look your mother is

◼   ► extremely competent and does and has

◼   ► business life like she gets up in the

◼   ► morning and she dresses business and she

◼   ► goes and she manages people and she

◼   ► flies on business trips and is is very

◼   ► competent in the world and we all know

◼   ► that Nana is very competent if you gave

◼   ► Nana a like a case of Lacroix and a

◼   ► Swiss Army knife she could build a

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◼   ► not the people that we are measuring

◼   ► daddy's success against we are measuring

◼   ► daddy's success against a different

◼   ► criteria which is a are we on fire no

◼   ► good we're doing good then we're not on

◼   ► fire is Daddy on fire

◼   ► no he's not on fire good look like we're

◼   ► doing good but what that's done I think

◼   ► with her is to feel like daddy needs

◼   ► some help from her and some in a way

◼   ► some protection from her

◼   ► that's not protection where you know

◼   ► daddy is an invalid or incompetent or

◼   ► anything but just like hey yo come here

◼   ► I need your help on this mm-hmm and so

◼   ► she feels me what what the with the

◼   ► conversation that we had in the chicken

◼   ► restaurant revealed over time was that

◼   ► she was seven now and she just felt

◼   ► everybody was dumping on her all the

◼   ► time she was she just wasn't you know

◼   ► she was getting a bunch of like praise

◼   ► cannon stuff that everybody throws at a

◼   ► kid but she was just in the in the main

◼   ► she was doing it wrong Nana was mad at

◼   ► her in the morning because she didn't

◼   ► get ready fast enough and mama was mad

◼   ► at her at night because she didn't get

◼   ► to bed fast enough and everything it was

◼   ► all she's doing like she's doing it

◼   ► wrong

◼   ► and I said oh well what if we got you a

◼   ► and taught you how to use a clock and

◼   ► then you could know when it was time for

◼   ► you to get up and time for you to go to

◼   ► bed and she was like I would like a

◼   ► clock and I said okay we'll get you a

◼   ► clock but once you have a clock you are

◼   ► responsible for the time you don't get

◼   ► to have a clock and just have it be like

◼   ► a like a lighting effect well you're

◼   ► you're not allowed to use it to improve

◼   ► your procrastination right yeah don't

◼   ► wait until the last minute

◼   ► I still got a minute before we leave you

◼   ► have it you're naked that's not okay and

◼   ► and and part of our long conversation

◼   ► was just like oh you want more

◼   ► responsibility and it's just innate you

◼   ► don't know how to ask for that that's

◼   ► that's not it's just you're at that

◼   ► point in your life where you're like why

◼   ► am I still why does my life look like me

◼   ► just getting nagged from place to place

◼   ► with all this stuff I know how to do

◼   ► it's not a challenge anymore I just

◼   ► don't feel like it and it's like oh well

◼   ► then what you need to do is set the

◼   ► table and empty the dishwasher and also

◼   ► sometimes oh so so oh this is the

◼   ► amazing one she said to me I wish I

◼   ► lived in a family where I never got

◼   ► teased and that was a that was like

◼   ► handing me a lit stick of dynamite

◼   ► because nobody else teases her I yeah

◼   ► okay yeah that was for me right like

◼   ► like like things like bastok things like

◼   ► yeah we've got I think I suspect every

◼   ► family has these things that the kid

◼   ► used to say in a funny way and now you

◼   ► still say it and it just sounds like

◼   ► you're making fun of them thing that

◼   ► kind of thing where she would say like

◼   ► you know what I went for dinner and I

◼   ► would say a bastok of pinedo she

◼   ► combines that right and over time she's

◼   ► just been just infuriated her and so she

◼   ► said I don't you know I would rather

◼   ► live in a family where I didn't get

◼   ► teased and I said wouldn't you really

◼   ► rather live in a family where you only

◼   ► got teased a little bit

◼   ► and she said no I would rather not get

◼   ► teased at all hmm and I said and I'm

◼   ► still exhausted as they say a big ask

◼   ► yeah and I'm sitting I'm scrambling in

◼   ► my head like what the fuck am I supposed

◼   ► to do that's the only way they know how

◼   ► to interact with people and I said

◼   ► wouldn't what would you rather live in a

◼   ► family where you had to eat vegetables

◼   ► at every meal or live in a family where

◼   ► you got teased every once in a while

◼   ► really scrambling that's what I was but

◼   ► she made an enormous blunder she said I

◼   ► would rather live in a family where I

◼   ► had to eat vegetables in every meal I

◼   ► test out well it was and I said oh all

◼   ► right well starting tonight if you eat a

◼   ► salad I won't tease you and she did not

◼   ► give a look of having been checkmated

◼   ► she gave a look of like huh and she said

◼   ► deal like oh this is not layin well well

◼   ► like 20 like Clint Eastwood style

◼   ► bring it on a deal and so at dinner and

◼   ► I'm not crazy it's not like I put a big

◼   ► fucking salad bowl with tongs and didn't

◼   ► spray Brussels sprouts I know I just I

◼   ► put a little portion of vegetable on her

◼   ► plate and she she made it seem like she

◼   ► was Indiana Jones and every bite of this

◼   ► stuff you know was snakes and she said

◼   ► that she ate her snakes and I didn't you

◼   ► know I didn't jump on her about like

◼   ► don't make those faces you can't make

◼   ► faces I was just like make as many faces

◼   ► as you want but but right on the other

◼   ► sizes were not part of the deal that's

◼   ► right that's right faces we're not part

◼   ► of the deal I didn't say I had to like

◼   ► it I didn't say you had to be nice about

◼   ► but I said right on the other side of

◼   ► that bowl of vegetables is you getting

◼   ► told bastok of potatoes so let's decide

◼   ► which is more important and she ate the

◼   ► freaking things and every day from that

◼   ► day forth she has eaten vegetables are

◼   ► you gonna stick with this

◼   ► well the few times I have said something

◼   ► even vaguely teasing she has turned six

◼   ► guns drawn and said we had a deal

◼   ► oh and you know and at wit with the

◼   ► unspoken second half of that sentence

◼   ► and I'm living up to my hand in the deal

◼   ► mm-hm and she is mm-hmm

◼   ► so so I'm just like out drawn hmm I just

◼   ► have to holster my pistols and I just to

◼   ► be clear this started as a like okay

◼   ► well let's see how far you're gonna go

◼   ► with this you're not actually saying

◼   ► like for you to be emotionally healthy

◼   ► UFT vegetables this is more of like a

◼   ► thought experiment well it was it was

◼   ► all part and parcel of the okay you're

◼   ► seven now and you want everybody off

◼   ► your back well then all that means is

◼   ► you get more responsibility because

◼   ► that's how you get people off your back

◼   ► mmm and so there's no you don't just get

◼   ► like to be five again where you get to

◼   ► do whatever you want everybody runs

◼   ► around and picks up after you right

◼   ► right right

◼   ► like everybody's mad because you're not

◼   ► you're not and I realized that people

◼   ► that that the people in the family had

◼   ► this expectation that she was supposed

◼   ► to be getting better at stuff and from

◼   ► her standpoint it was like I can do all

◼   ► that I've showed you I can do it why do

◼   ► I have to do it every day and it's like

◼   ► oh well you don't get it like yeah you

◼   ► do actually do it every day but but you

◼   ► should get rewards for it too and in her

◼   ► case and I had no idea the things I

◼   ► don't understand the relationship the

◼   ► teasing plays in other people's lives

◼   ► because I was relentlessly teased by my

◼   ► dad and it was a thing that we bonded

◼   ► over you know like I didn't like to be

◼   ► tickled but I'd love to be teased and

◼   ► you know I loved going down to the magic

◼   ► shop in in Pike Place Market and

◼   ► somebody giving me a piece of gum and it

◼   ► had a fucking mousetrap on it like just

◼   ► love that stuff dirty tricks and stuff

◼   ► you know and she doesn't it's not like

◼   ► like her reaction to that stuff is just

◼   ► she's indignant

◼   ► I think it's more

◼   ► dignity issue where she's just like

◼   ► listen bastok of Panay toes sir this is

◼   ► beneath our discourse I'm like well you

◼   ► know what's beneath your discourse is up

◼   ► a stack of the data and for for her to

◼   ► for her to decide of all the things that

◼   ► she gets to that she could have laid out

◼   ► as her a certain negotiating chit that

◼   ► that was the thing not get teased

◼   ► mmm-hmm she didn't say stop tickling me

◼   ► she's like tickle me tickle me but don't

◼   ► tease me mm-hmm oh shit all right man

◼   ► you set the tone you put the forks

◼   ► together in the fork thing I also feel

◼   ► like I got to two things I'm thinking

◼   ► about here um which is easier than the

◼   ► other um one thing I struggle with is

◼   ► that I was an only child

◼   ► well you know that's not even that

◼   ► important what's important is that I am

◼   ► from gen-x I think it is important

◼   ► though but go ahead no no no it is

◼   ► important but probably for different

◼   ► things but here's one thing is that I

◼   ► struggle with what I perceived sometimes

◼   ► as two poles of raising a female child

◼   ► which is on the one hand is the one

◼   ► thing you're supposed to always do as a

◼   ► parent which is to like be consistent

◼   ► and have certain standards and and be

◼   ► consistent about those standards and all

◼   ► that kind of stuff and also not not

◼   ► discourage your kid from doing things

◼   ► that are difficult don't be afraid to

◼   ► you know correct them all the kinds of

◼   ► like old school ideas of what we know

◼   ► you're supposed to do as a parent but

◼   ► then there's the other part of me that

◼   ► feels like I'm I'm always walking a

◼   ► minefield that I choose to walk because

◼   ► the idea of having a little kid even at

◼   ► her age who is confident and not like

◼   ► torn this and this by the way this is

◼   ► not relating to the potatoes I just mean

◼   ► I mean more like even with math homework

◼   ► where I'm like man if she can get

◼   ► through the math and like do I want to

◼   ► really make her go back and rewrite that

◼   ► because that nine doesn't look enough

◼   ► like a nine yeah probably but the idea

◼   ► of somebody who can remain boy or a girl

◼   ► but especially girl who's confident and

◼   ► not self-conscious about their body and

◼   ► their personality and stuff like that is

◼   ► something I really I have in mind so I

◼   ► think sometimes iin

◼   ► being too permissive because I'm not

◼   ► strong enough to walk that minefield

◼   ► some days did you know what I mean we're

◼   ► like it's just with something we're like

◼   ► I just think about I'll just lay it on

◼   ► the line just think about how normal it

◼   ► was when I was a teenager for girls to

◼   ► be a hot mess and to be kind of

◼   ► personally and systematically kept frail

◼   ► and to constantly wonder how broken they

◼   ► are and so like that's I sometimes feel

◼   ► like I wonder if I weigh too heavily on

◼   ► that angle of like wanting her to be

◼   ► confident what I really should go back

◼   ► am I gonna pierce that confidence by

◼   ► saying like let's go back and check your

◼   ► math on that well it shouldnt cuz that's

◼   ► part of being strong part of being

◼   ► strong is being able to improve and

◼   ► stuff like that but that's one of the

◼   ► tight ropes I feel like I walk and when

◼   ► it comes down to dad alone for three

◼   ► days there's all kinds of ways that that

◼   ► can go sideways yeah well I had a as

◼   ► part of this interesting conversation

◼   ► dynamic that she and I have developed I

◼   ► had a very interesting exchange the

◼   ► other day where she said and again she's

◼   ► very dramatic and that's not anything

◼   ► she was taught although she it's

◼   ► certainly reinforced but she said I'm

◼   ► worried that every time I smile it makes

◼   ► something bad happen whoa and I said

◼   ► whoa that's telling your wheelhouse yeah

◼   ► I said tell me more and we're riding

◼   ► bikes so it's a type thing where we're

◼   ► not it's not like we're sitting in a

◼   ► chicken restaurant looking at each other

◼   ► we're just riding bikes slowly riding

◼   ► down the down the road and she says well

◼   ► like I say every time something good

◼   ► happens something bad immediately

◼   ► happens mm-hmm so that makes me not want

◼   ► to smile Wow and I said we'll give me an

◼   ► example and she said well after recess

◼   ► you have to go back inside and go back

◼   ► to work and so we're all really happy at

◼   ► recess but nobody wants to go back

◼   ► inside sir

◼   ► and I was like makes sense give me

◼   ► another example and she said well after

◼   ► snack which is the best part of school

◼   ► we have math and I was like I and my Gen

◼   ► X like girls and math tingle pairs went

◼   ► up and I said yeah and what's what's uh

◼   ► what's up with math and she said well

◼   ► math is fine but all the boys complain

◼   ► and they're like in math mmm and she

◼   ► said I hate when people are unhappy oh

◼   ► wow

◼   ► and I just want everybody to be happy

◼   ► and everybody's complaining about math

◼   ► and it's a bummer Lizzie and I was like

◼   ► uh-huh well now like my Gen X desire to

◼   ► socially engineer you to make you into

◼   ► superwoman stem girl that's right and to

◼   ► correct for every aspect of the

◼   ► patriarchy in you alone my daughter who

◼   ► is gonna you know just like grow up

◼   ► eating Cheerios except it's

◼   ► multiplication tables I don't I I just

◼   ► listened an extra step there because if

◼   ► if I had done what I what my impulse was

◼   ► or what my generations impulse was when

◼   ► she said yeah after snack it's math and

◼   ► I had gone oh well math is amazing like

◼   ► don't hate math math is great what's the

◼   ► matter math mmm-hmm with the tone you

◼   ► probably unintentionally always use to

◼   ► try to talk her into something that she

◼   ► now instantly realizes is some kind of

◼   ► jam up yeah right right you do this real

◼   ► that's the tone that you unintentionally

◼   ► oh come on this hike is gonna be fun is

◼   ► your friend and so I stayed out a bit

◼   ► for that one extra step because I was

◼   ► like huh she doesn't have any problem

◼   ► with math so I'm not gonna jump in here

◼   ► you know like what's she gonna say next

◼   ► is basically my take on it because

◼   ► also not really about math it's about

◼   ► the other people's feelings yeah and

◼   ► it's about the fact that all the little

◼   ► boys are making a bunch of noise about

◼   ► having to do math and she's like why

◼   ► don't they just do their math but she

◼   ► also like is exhibiting there a kind of

◼   ► like emotional receptiveness that is

◼   ► both lovely and also totally dangerous

◼   ► like she's oh yeah I see I see that I

◼   ► feel like I see that all the time yeah

◼   ► she's onboarding everybody else's

◼   ► feelings as part of her world of

◼   ► responsibility mm-hm

◼   ► she feels bad because everybody else

◼   ► feels bad and that actually is she

◼   ► doesn't feel bad she's end up doing what

◼   ► people call like unpaid emotional labor

◼   ► you know and so I just so then we just

◼   ► we just pedal along in silence while we

◼   ► both chew on that mm-hmm

◼   ► and but but it was a it was another

◼   ► example I think of this like tendency

◼   ► that I'm trying to resist which is that

◼   ► that tendency to to social engineer in

◼   ► any direction even the opposite

◼   ► direction of what we think we were

◼   ► socially engineered to do because

◼   ► because every time you change one little

◼   ► thing you change a cascading series of B

◼   ► of this like yes initely repeating

◼   ► unpredictable you can't change one was

◼   ► engine you can't change the one thing

◼   ► about anything and I don't have any I

◼   ► don't have any fear that my daughter is

◼   ► going to be fragile it's not currently a

◼   ► danger and I mean did I tell you maybe

◼   ► we didn't talk about about when when she

◼   ► was in preschool we went to the locks

◼   ► here in Seattle and you and I have been

◼   ► visited the locks with her family yeah

◼   ► it's a dynamic environment boats are

◼   ► coming and going the locks are run a

◼   ► chance to get a tour of Seattle from

◼   ► John take it it's long they say about

◼   ► that Hey

◼   ► sign up sign up on this clipboard but

◼   ► the locks are run by the US Army Corps

◼   ► of Engineers and they take that job

◼   ► pretty seriously and they have you know

◼   ► like big burly people on either side who

◼   ► are yelling at people in the boats that

◼   ► they're doing it wrong and every it's

◼   ► very you know that's it's a big

◼   ► operation it's an industrial scale

◼   ► operation well we were there with the

◼   ► preschool and there are you know there

◼   ► were 23 year olds all running around and

◼   ► the teacher was the sort of barely

◼   ► keeping them together and I was one of

◼   ► the parents who were along for the ride

◼   ► and Marla maybe she was 4 she's standing

◼   ► there on the edge of the blocks and

◼   ► there are hundreds of tourists there to

◼   ► all claming it up at Marlo at the top of

◼   ► her lungs was saying you go over here

◼   ► and you stand there and you hear and the

◼   ► teacher teacher you need to over this

◼   ► and balidaan she's yelling it like just

◼   ► passers by you that shirt doesn't match

◼   ► those pants and and I said she's the

◼   ► mistress of the locks

◼   ► she was just appointed herself and I

◼   ► said at a certain point sweetie you need

◼   ► to just cold check your mega bossing of

◼   ► everyone for just a second while we

◼   ► figure out how we're all gonna get

◼   ► through this small aperture and a very

◼   ► big man with a beard and a hat that said

◼   ► US Army Corps of Engineers who was

◼   ► standing there in the process of yelling

◼   ► at a shipping you know like a that no no

◼   ► NOAA icebreaker turns around on his heel

◼   ► looks at me and says we don't say

◼   ► bossing to young women

◼   ► nowadays we say we encourage them for

◼   ► their

◼   ► but you know like autonomy or

◼   ► authoritative necessarily you have

◼   ► something something something he gave me

◼   ► some lecture out of a playbook and

◼   ► turned around and went back to his job

◼   ► and I'm not anymore somebody who's just

◼   ► out doling out lessons to everybody on

◼   ► the street I'm trying not to be because

◼   ► I find that's not very effective I found

◼   ► from being on Twitter for a long time

◼   ► that just being out there sheriffing

◼   ► everybody is not any fun right right

◼   ► right and it doesn't and nobody gets

◼   ► better

◼   ► nobody improves it's like yeah part of

◼   ► the the international tone police yeah

◼   ► but this guy and I don't know whether he

◼   ► has kids or not yeah he might I read

◼   ► that in The New Yorker

◼   ► my sense is he didn't but he's a he's a

◼   ► liberal but he's working at the US Army

◼   ► Corps of Engineers and he's out there

◼   ► sheriffing and what he you know what he

◼   ► is doing is trying to make the world a

◼   ► better place but he doesn't know my

◼   ► daughter and he doesn't know that she's

◼   ► a fucking bossy little Nazi like that

◼   ► she would literally run the world if she

◼   ► could from her three-year-old brain from

◼   ► her three-year-old understanding of how

◼   ► things need to be ordered and just to

◼   ► clarify here if there were an equivalent

◼   ► equivalently aged male you would have

◼   ► said the same thing well absolutely but

◼   ► here's the thing and this is the one

◼   ► where you know like don't at me but

◼   ► anybody who has kids and who spends any

◼   ► time around kids knows those little boys

◼   ► just don't do that like I'm sorry to say

◼   ► but little boys do not go bossing

◼   ► everybody around like that they know

◼   ► they're hitting each other that's true

◼   ► and they're hitting everybody else

◼   ► they're bonking and they're screaming

◼   ► and they're running and they're hitting

◼   ► they are not standing there saying you

◼   ► are here and you are the mama and you

◼   ► are the one who is you are the Corps of

◼   ► Engineers guy and here are your jobs and

◼   ► here is where you stand

◼   ► it just isn't it's just it is a thing

◼   ► that's different between them and and my

◼   ► daughter is the queen of it like the

◼   ► ultimate or

◼   ► of things and of people and of I mean

◼   ► you know it all is she has it she has

◼   ► the plan she she sees the the matrix and

◼   ► so so so that's what this guy was saying

◼   ► right if that was a little boy you

◼   ► wouldn't have said that but a little boy

◼   ► would not have ever done it this is not

◼   ► a little boy trait and also you know but

◼   ► I didn't say like hey mind your own

◼   ► beeswax or I didn't decide it was gonna

◼   ► be a show do you got a beer to play cool

◼   ► no I was just like huh yeah thank you

◼   ► for your service

◼   ► yeah thanks for your service exactly

◼   ► anyway meanwhile Marlowe in an empowered

◼   ► fashion will you shut the fuck up for

◼   ► like three minutes while we get through

◼   ► this door but as you know as time goes

◼   ► on like looking at the looking at the

◼   ► kids and though