Roderick on the Line

Ep. 200: "There's No Anything"


00:00:00   this episode of Roderick on the line is [TS]

00:00:02   brought to you by Casper Casper isn't [TS]

00:00:04   online retailer of premium mattresses [TS]

00:00:07   that you can get delivered to your door [TS]

00:00:08   for a fraction of the price you payin [TS]

00:00:10   stores learn more visit Casper calm / [TS]

00:00:13   supertrain [TS]

00:00:15   [Music] [TS]

00:00:20   hello hi John I'm Merlin high was it [TS]

00:00:24   going [TS]

00:00:25   punch the ball ball I mean I crack the [TS]

00:00:28   encryption yes you're in a jacked into [TS]

00:00:31   the matrix purple people can see them to [TS]

00:00:35   the internet now and it's raining code [TS]

00:00:38   yep yep fine yeah I was raining green [TS]

00:00:40   color but kind of slow down i got green [TS]

00:00:42   code coming from all over the place and [TS]

00:00:44   my headset microphone oh yes [TS]

00:00:46   yeah but it's big isn't it yeah i'm [TS]

00:00:48   playing video games with it she have a [TS]

00:00:50   very large satellite phone [TS]

00:00:54   yeah it's got some synthetic meth and [TS]

00:00:57   say it's an EDM that keeps you up all [TS]

00:01:00   nights and taxes of hacking hacking this [TS]

00:01:04   a second got a kak always with the [TS]

00:01:06   hacking with me [TS]

00:01:08   ah you're just happy hack actually don't [TS]

00:01:11   talk back acne sex you know that that's [TS]

00:01:17   the sound of trying to get comcast to [TS]

00:01:19   work and a good and getting better [TS]

00:01:21   did you can I feel like you know it's [TS]

00:01:24   weird to feel like we got Benny Hill on [TS]

00:01:27   maybe on PBS [TS]

00:01:28   whoa i might be wrong but look at a [TS]

00:01:31   certain point I feel like we have been [TS]

00:01:32   hell on PBS which he does not good not [TS]

00:01:35   just it seems really fucking weird [TS]

00:01:37   you definitely got money python yeah [TS]

00:01:40   maybe that was a Saturday night affair [TS]

00:01:42   because we want to read it [TS]

00:01:44   yep those British that's where was its [TS]

00:01:46   cultural yeah in America any and I still [TS]

00:01:50   want to say Benny Hinn what I mean Benny [TS]

00:01:52   Hill many him is the weird [TS]

00:01:55   a televangelist he had the cove it looks [TS]

00:01:57   like an anvil yeah exactly [TS]

00:01:59   Benny Hill I felt like we got in [TS]

00:02:02   Anchorage not not on MTV but on some [TS]

00:02:05   kind of proto like WGN or something some [TS]

00:02:11   one of those windmills WGN PBS no no no [TS]

00:02:16   no no chicago chicago at PBS it was [TS]

00:02:20   Boston but really nice pasta with the [TS]

00:02:22   word streets boston mass so 2134 [TS]

00:02:27   and zoom Empire haha and hire that guy [TS]

00:02:34   on 861 582 300 amp I now that the work [TS]

00:02:42   in a 1-800 before it which is really [TS]

00:02:44   awkward [TS]

00:02:44   1 800 582 know what I think is better [TS]

00:02:51   set of wheels ball bomb out that upon my [TS]

00:02:54   head to be tall deal [TS]

00:02:55   no that's Cal that's Cal what's-his-name [TS]

00:02:57   he'll stand upon his head until his ears [TS]

00:02:59   are turning red man to get you a better [TS]

00:03:02   deal on a Ford truck who these are [TS]

00:03:05   things will be meaningless to your [TS]

00:03:07   listeners in the Czech Republic tears [TS]

00:03:09   and rain [TS]

00:03:10   oh speaking of tiered well yeah code [TS]

00:03:14   enduring am i right [TS]

00:03:15   oh my goodness yeah all these all these [TS]

00:03:18   acts will be lost in time i'm going to [TS]

00:03:20   rewrite the encryption code and rain who [TS]

00:03:23   it is raining again in seattle and it's [TS]

00:03:25   cold all two days ago was 80 degrees and [TS]

00:03:28   you know and plants were dying birds [TS]

00:03:31   were dying now it's 50 degrees and [TS]

00:03:34   raining I don't understand when you get [TS]

00:03:36   spiders to winter all know that comes [TS]

00:03:39   later [TS]

00:03:40   spiders are coming yeah that's that's in [TS]

00:03:42   the that's in the early autumn they [TS]

00:03:45   start really be getting big and then [TS]

00:03:46   autumn boy are you kidding me [TS]

00:03:50   where's biggest cat everything hmm [TS]

00:03:53   everything's everything's changing John [TS]

00:03:54   everything literally everything is [TS]

00:03:55   changing everything is everything [TS]

00:03:57   everything this is this likely be the [TS]

00:03:59   answer we get that that's changed we [TS]

00:04:01   don't get me and sweet so I think [TS]

00:04:03   something's going on what is love slugs [TS]

00:04:05   are coming out at different times I [TS]

00:04:06   think something's going on i'm having an [TS]

00:04:08   ant invasion so you must be the ants [TS]

00:04:11   most of migrant OC that could be it they [TS]

00:04:14   could be could be Syrian ants [TS]

00:04:16   yeah they're here in the media at the [TS]

00:04:17   mission in seattle they're going the [TS]

00:04:19   opposite way notice women with the other [TS]

00:04:21   way the Mission of San one and estranha [TS]

00:04:24   hmm [TS]

00:04:25   come every year haha god and i have but [TS]

00:04:29   I have things to follow up with you [TS]

00:04:31   about let me let me just prep you [TS]

00:04:33   yeah i slept for two hours last night [TS]

00:04:38   what so I'm a little bit whack-a-doodle [TS]

00:04:42   oh my goodness i'm feeling really [TS]

00:04:44   wackadoodle Oh why'd you sleep for two [TS]

00:04:49   hours join this is one of those you [TS]

00:04:51   stayed up a little bit late were you [TS]

00:04:52   looking at a baby or something [TS]

00:04:53   yeah that's what happened but we looking [TS]

00:04:54   at we're looking to bring it bring your [TS]

00:04:56   collar with a call truck man whats it'll [TS]

00:04:57   still look at the truck man no I was [TS]

00:04:59   looking at just I was just Maryland the [TS]

00:05:03   smartphone is a curse [TS]

00:05:04   it's still it's still the smartphone for [TS]

00:05:06   you i was just reading i was just [TS]

00:05:08   reading the New York Times they were [TS]

00:05:10   telling me the New York Times was [TS]

00:05:12   telling me that circumcision isn't that [TS]

00:05:14   bad but then the 4000 huh [TS]

00:05:16   comments after the article should feel [TS]

00:05:19   like it was genital mutilation yeah and [TS]

00:05:22   killing our boys and then you know so [TS]

00:05:24   I'm I'm going through I'm going through [TS]

00:05:27   the the comments I shouldn't have done [TS]

00:05:29   and then I went over i reposted it to my [TS]

00:05:31   facebook as you know i do on me and then [TS]

00:05:34   I go over there and there's people on [TS]

00:05:35   facebook presumably you know me better [TS]

00:05:37   did they have any comments John oh my [TS]

00:05:39   goodness some of them are actual medical [TS]

00:05:42   professional sure and if you know you're [TS]

00:05:44   not allowed to see your doctor for not a [TS]

00:05:46   doctor if you could be in that hospital [TS]

00:05:48   room and see what those one year old [TS]

00:05:50   boys code through oh the tips of their [TS]

00:05:53   little pieces are cut off [TS]

00:05:55   you are you know what you would think [TS]

00:05:57   twice is that right so yeah I feel like [TS]

00:05:59   almost every medical procedure you could [TS]

00:06:01   say that [TS]

00:06:02   well you saw what happened when we drain [TS]

00:06:04   a near you think twice [TS]

00:06:05   well sure if you saw what happened you [TS]

00:06:07   vaccinated kidney becomes like a feeling [TS]

00:06:10   was automaton you know what you do you [TS]

00:06:12   know what you do to your uncle in heart [TS]

00:06:14   surgery you know we have to do to him [TS]

00:06:15   what do you have to cut right into a cut [TS]

00:06:17   right into me you can now but I mean the [TS]

00:06:19   recovery from that same boys my doctor [TS]

00:06:22   so anyway they took the stitches out of [TS]

00:06:24   my sebaceous cyst hole tonight let's get [TS]

00:06:27   an update on the cyst so know about nice [TS]

00:06:29   feedback from people about your sister [TS]

00:06:30   I'm feeling I'm feeling all like a whole [TS]

00:06:32   man you know what I learned John [TS]

00:06:34   Roderick I learned how many people eat [TS]

00:06:36   while listening to our program is an [TS]

00:06:38   island [TS]

00:06:38   you have to be crazy to do that again [TS]

00:06:42   what are you thinking you need to be in [TS]

00:06:43   the right you know what you need it's [TS]

00:06:44   like going to church but you need to get [TS]

00:06:46   a hat and you need to think twice about [TS]

00:06:47   what's on your mind you need to come in [TS]

00:06:49   unit you will come in and eat this is [TS]

00:06:51   not this is not this is not a franchise [TS]

00:06:53   Marvel movie you're not gonna snack [TS]

00:06:55   wireless in this program you don't even [TS]

00:06:57   want to eat reese's pieces because we [TS]

00:06:59   could start talking about something [TS]

00:07:00   gross that comes out of your bottom that [TS]

00:07:02   looks like a Reese's Pieces [TS]

00:07:04   oh yeah well yeah if you drink enough [TS]

00:07:06   water let's say clusters get goat poop [TS]

00:07:08   out some reeses but you know it's it's [TS]

00:07:10   likely to say about swimming right half [TS]

00:07:12   an hour right you should probably not [TS]

00:07:13   eat for half an hour before you listen [TS]

00:07:15   to our program but it turns out that's a [TS]

00:07:16   Mussolini's train and I know you know [TS]

00:07:19   it's a double turns out is the new turns [TS]

00:07:21   out and present you could be waist-deep [TS]

00:07:22   in a lake eating a chili dog and then [TS]

00:07:25   just right you could take that last bit [TS]

00:07:27   of chili dog and then right under the [TS]

00:07:28   water and you're still fun [TS]

00:07:30   oh right and i think im gonna do that i [TS]

00:07:32   think im gonna die the other day I was [TS]

00:07:33   at how glad I was able to do that [TS]

00:07:35   without even know anything about it was [TS]

00:07:36   this which called blink he just glimpse [TS]

00:07:38   at the statue and you know whether it's [TS]

00:07:40   fake or not you glimpse of the statute [TS]

00:07:42   just a glimpse it's a blank literally [TS]

00:07:43   yeah I was a hamburger restaurant the [TS]

00:07:45   other day and everybody was getting [TS]

00:07:47   hamburgers and I wanted a hamburger but [TS]

00:07:50   i also thought that I would get two [TS]

00:07:53   chili dogs for the table [TS]

00:07:54   mmm i justyou just for the table just [TS]

00:07:56   for the to just order two chili dogs i [TS]

00:07:58   love that you do this i love that you [TS]

00:08:00   offered pizza and you get a pizza for [TS]

00:08:02   the table before the pizza comes you [TS]

00:08:03   walk in the door there they're seating [TS]

00:08:05   you you lean over to the way to sitting [TS]

00:08:07   here like a large pepperoni to the table [TS]

00:08:09   set fast as you can [TS]

00:08:10   they shouldn't think of it as appetizers [TS]

00:08:12   you thinking of his first dinner it's me [TS]

00:08:13   dinner [TS]

00:08:13   that's right its first dinner you're [TS]

00:08:14   just wetting the your wet your whistle [TS]

00:08:16   yeah but a better but I thought about it [TS]

00:08:19   and I was like actually dogs as a as a [TS]

00:08:21   communal food are you all going to dig [TS]

00:08:24   in there it's like a slick explain a [TS]

00:08:25   sloppy joe four ways but in sloppy joe i [TS]

00:08:29   think what you do is you get if it's a [TS]

00:08:30   pretty good sized dog it's a good-sized [TS]

00:08:32   beef dog you cut it into thirds neatly [TS]

00:08:34   with a knife and then everybody can [TS]

00:08:36   enjoy like a slider [TS]

00:08:37   mmm yeah but that presumes that it's one [TS]

00:08:39   of those chili dogs with the chili is [TS]

00:08:41   added as a like a elaborate ketchup [TS]

00:08:44   rather than chilli add the chili dog [TS]

00:08:46   that I get is more like a bowl of chili [TS]

00:08:48   that probably has a hot dog in there so [TS]

00:08:49   yeah exactly exactly and I feel like [TS]

00:08:51   that's how is she [TS]

00:08:52   maybe that's just what we've done well [TS]

00:08:53   we've talked about that not enough every [TS]

00:08:56   day somebody's mornings never seen the [TS]

00:08:57   flintstones that's true you don't blow [TS]

00:09:01   your mind let me look a little bit let [TS]

00:09:04   me set the wayback machine to the last [TS]

00:09:08   time you actually saw the flintstones [TS]

00:09:10   yeah when wasn't the last it's gonna be [TS]

00:09:14   a decade for me since I saw your [TS]

00:09:17   daughter did there you have a job to do [TS]

00:09:20   you see Laverne and Shirley bit but but [TS]

00:09:23   but at the same time I you know what [TS]

00:09:25   this might be a double turns out because [TS]

00:09:26   i cannot even tell you the last time I [TS]

00:09:28   saw it if I'm in a hotel room i'll be [TS]

00:09:31   flipping around because you can only [TS]

00:09:32   watch so much chopped that you get [TS]

00:09:34   heckle and Jeckle there you don't get [TS]

00:09:36   the funds I don't even think you see the [TS]

00:09:37   cartoon so much anymore you get their [TS]

00:09:39   isolated there-there there-there put [TS]

00:09:41   into this side this ghetto on these are [TS]

00:09:43   cartoon network's and even then it's [TS]

00:09:44   ironic shows to do ya budu maybe even a [TS]

00:09:55   little book it BTW dr. Theophilus i [TS]

00:09:59   think his name is the opposite side the [TS]

00:10:01   apples he's a and Twinkies it's [TS]

00:10:03   conveyance for dr. robot you have TWiki [TS]

00:10:05   is a penis headed a little person robot [TS]

00:10:09   circumcised looking penis who does [TS]

00:10:11   that's right who doesn't that's right [TS]

00:10:12   he's not wearing a turtleneck and he his [TS]

00:10:15   job is just a carry dr. Theophilus [TS]

00:10:17   around Donald but that's not how he [TS]

00:10:20   thinks about it you know everybody's [TS]

00:10:22   everybody's the lead in their novel i [TS]

00:10:24   bet i don't a twinkie thinks of himself [TS]

00:10:26   as a robot conveyance i thinkI he takes [TS]

00:10:28   himself the primary robot probably right [TS]

00:10:34   sure he's got other things to do he's a [TS]

00:10:36   doesn't doesn't he get his own missions [TS]

00:10:38   sometimes open doors and stuff I got say [TS]

00:10:42   they stay here today I could not tell [TS]

00:10:43   you the last time that I saw an episode [TS]

00:10:45   of Buck Rogers it might be 35 years [TS]

00:10:48   how could you that's not a show that [TS]

00:10:50   would ever be syndicated I don't think [TS]

00:10:52   it had longevity dr. Theophilus looked [TS]

00:10:56   like a canteen [TS]

00:10:58   uh-huh that had some lights on it sort [TS]

00:11:01   of almost face looking set of lights [TS]

00:11:05   yeah now i think you're right i look [TS]

00:11:06   that up look like a canteen though and [TS]

00:11:08   he had he had superior wisdom [TS]

00:11:11   oh yeah look at him dr. Theophilus [TS]

00:11:14   looking looks kinda like a like an [TS]

00:11:16   electric light meter with that has a [TS]

00:11:17   face [TS]

00:11:18   yeah or like the game Simon do you [TS]

00:11:20   remember Simon course I remember Simon [TS]

00:11:22   yeah so he looked a little bit like [TS]

00:11:23   Simon I just never understood how come [TS]

00:11:25   the technology of the 24 26th century [TS]

00:11:29   want to talk rogers in the 25th century [TS]

00:11:31   25th century they couldn't combine the [TS]

00:11:34   brain of dr. Theophilus with the body of [TS]

00:11:37   tweet tweety oh yeah it seems like [TS]

00:11:40   things like that we can begin something [TS]

00:11:42   else keep working out in the uranium [TS]

00:11:43   mine or something [TS]

00:11:44   yeah writer if you're gonna make ya if [TS]

00:11:46   you're gonna make dumbots and smart bots [TS]

00:11:48   you get the smart pots like willow we [TS]

00:11:50   wispy elf bodies [TS]

00:11:52   it's a lot like the Grays John I think [TS]

00:11:54   they're not erin gray but i think it's [TS]

00:11:56   like the greys and that they give us as [TS]

00:11:58   much as they think we can handle who the [TS]

00:12:01   computers sure I mean any of them I mean [TS]

00:12:03   I at this point on it was different you [TS]

00:12:05   know which in turn oof oh well who [TS]

00:12:08   doesn't mean the thing is I feel like [TS]

00:12:10   we're already and this is going to be [TS]

00:12:14   it's going to blow your mind a little [TS]

00:12:15   bit it's going to blow some minds but [TS]

00:12:17   we're already like like Skynet you know [TS]

00:12:22   as soon as good as gone gone live [TS]

00:12:25   already kind of this giant AI that [TS]

00:12:27   controls everything that's bad [TS]

00:12:29   I yes Kyle net let me leave with the [TS]

00:12:33   ratio for this kind of become self-aware [TS]

00:12:36   rate and self-awareness automatically [TS]

00:12:40   translates to a kind of matrix C human [TS]

00:12:44   beings end up in goo in pods in an [TS]

00:12:47   infinitely large warehouse and somehow [TS]

00:12:53   they become energy creators if you feed [TS]

00:12:59   human body apparently yeah if you feed [TS]

00:13:02   human bodies some kind of group [TS]

00:13:04   yeah you put you put them in jello and [TS]

00:13:06   then you make an orchard of our neos [TS]

00:13:09   Aaron that can be a battery for the [TS]

00:13:11   robot planet a battery exactly so you [TS]

00:13:13   plug some kind of plug into their spine [TS]

00:13:16   and then somehow humans create or store [TS]

00:13:20   more energy than they use I didn't know [TS]

00:13:23   that about humans [TS]

00:13:24   it seems to defy the laws of [TS]

00:13:25   thermodynamics right i mean if you give [TS]

00:13:28   any person I know food they typically [TS]

00:13:33   generate less electricity and more poop [TS]

00:13:36   than you might think you can see the [TS]

00:13:38   matrix though is that you have to keep [TS]

00:13:40   them alive in jello in order for them to [TS]

00:13:44   produce the energy you gotta get my TV [TS]

00:13:46   show to watch which is life right are [TS]

00:13:49   saying I see also so it's there it's the [TS]

00:13:51   brain energy they're harvesting ik must [TS]

00:13:53   be a single mother of his damage [TS]

00:13:54   electricity generated but that scale [TS]

00:13:56   also that that whole facility doesn't [TS]

00:13:58   seem particularly efficient right [TS]

00:14:01   there's a lot of space in between maybe [TS]

00:14:03   it's like a start-up maybe they're built [TS]

00:14:05   out for for a lot more people [TS]

00:14:07   OIC actually have recruited sure it's [TS]

00:14:09   like what they say about your fat is [TS]

00:14:13   that your few you get you you [TS]

00:14:16   I've heard a lot of conflicting rumors [TS]

00:14:18   about fat I'll believe whatever you say [TS]

00:14:20   but if you think you you make a certain [TS]

00:14:23   amount of fat of globs of yourself that [TS]

00:14:27   look like sort of grapes they look like [TS]

00:14:30   grapes made out of hummus if I can [TS]

00:14:31   revisit the the hummus notion i think a [TS]

00:14:34   lot of things inside the body are [TS]

00:14:35   essentially Thomas spaced ok and if [TS]

00:14:39   you're creating like clusters of fact [TS]

00:14:41   grapes [TS]

00:14:41   yeah clusters of hum Thomas field fat [TS]

00:14:44   grapes and then what happens is if you [TS]

00:14:47   lose weight the fat grapes get small if [TS]

00:14:50   you gain weight the fat grapes get big [TS]

00:14:52   but there's nothing that changes the [TS]

00:14:54   number of fat grapes you have [TS]

00:14:56   interesting so it's like an infinite [TS]

00:14:58   number of water balloons not infinite a [TS]

00:15:00   finite number to find a row of what [TS]

00:15:02   water balloons [TS]

00:15:03   yeah but like if you're trying to let's [TS]

00:15:05   say you've created all these fat grapes [TS]

00:15:07   fat grape clusters [TS]

00:15:10   yeah you can lose all the way you want [TS]

00:15:12   but those grapes are just waiting there [TS]

00:15:14   oh the pocket smaller but still pie yeah [TS]

00:15:16   so matrix go back to the matrix [TS]

00:15:18   warehouse [TS]

00:15:19   yes your there's room for a lot more fat [TS]

00:15:22   grapes in there or room for those the [TS]

00:15:25   grapes that are there [TS]

00:15:26   ok to grow [TS]

00:15:27   oh ok so what happens if you feed those [TS]

00:15:31   humans growth hormone and then create [TS]

00:15:34   like mondo humans if i remember [TS]

00:15:39   correctly and I i misremember a lot [TS]

00:15:41   about the matrix i forget for example [TS]

00:15:43   how important landline telephones are [TS]

00:15:45   removing the kind of critical to start [TS]

00:15:48   like it was basically the year that [TS]

00:15:50   everybody started getting mobile phones [TS]

00:15:52   mhm it was the last year that that into [TS]

00:15:55   independent bands released cassette tape [TS]

00:15:57   demos yeah I was here yet i think was [TS]

00:15:59   your nap started to probably intense but [TS]

00:16:03   but yeah young person right now let's [TS]

00:16:05   say young person what does that mean 15m [TS]

00:16:09   mean they were born in 2014 [TS]

00:16:11   haha even though DLO hello that's like [TS]

00:16:16   watching the it's like watching 2001 a [TS]

00:16:18   Space Odyssey 04 for us when we were [TS]

00:16:21   anyway my god it's full of Millennials [TS]

00:16:24   and um uh huh [TS]

00:16:25   um it's Millennials all the way down but [TS]

00:16:28   they would watch that movie maybe like [TS]

00:16:30   what is the what what what are those [TS]

00:16:33   things that they are why would there be [TS]

00:16:35   a phone just on the street like that i [TS]

00:16:39   mean i'm not giving Millennials enough [TS]

00:16:41   credit of course they know about phones [TS]

00:16:43   just as we knew about the electric plant [TS]

00:16:46   they update their snapchat oh whatever [TS]

00:16:49   that is so we can't do this you know [TS]

00:16:52   what I I feel like we have to we have to [TS]

00:16:55   make up concerted effort Berlin to just [TS]

00:16:58   go to go gracefully into late middle age [TS]

00:17:03   I've since this theme from you and I [TS]

00:17:05   have to tell you are you mentioned i [TS]

00:17:07   think last week how you were just gonna [TS]

00:17:08   no no it was when you're talking to your [TS]

00:17:09   friend damn well that's right old little [TS]

00:17:11   damn young the show that's not this show [TS]

00:17:13   of its kind of the show where you were [TS]

00:17:15   basically what's funny [TS]

00:17:17   where you were you were basically saying [TS]

00:17:19   him you're gonna go gentle into that [TS]

00:17:20   good night fuck that goodnight i'm gonna [TS]

00:17:21   walk into it it's pretty gently that [TS]

00:17:23   you're going to say I'm gonna quit [TS]

00:17:24   complaining about my problems [TS]

00:17:26   yeah i'm gonna erase them somebody said [TS]

00:17:29   to me the other day that they thought [TS]

00:17:30   bell bottoms were ridiculous looking and [TS]

00:17:33   I remember the last time people thought [TS]

00:17:35   bell-bottoms ridiculous-looking and I [TS]

00:17:38   didn't like seeing 1130am is ridiculous [TS]

00:17:41   yeah okay we'll just wait a while [TS]

00:17:43   exactly well and also and also all [TS]

00:17:47   fashion has become timeless now you got [TS]

00:17:50   people wearing bell-bottoms you got [TS]

00:17:52   people wearing tight pants you got [TS]

00:17:54   people we're in the utility kilts [TS]

00:17:56   George's there George there's no now [TS]

00:17:59   there's no anything right [TS]

00:18:02   yeah definitely but now there's no [TS]

00:18:07   there's no now the only thing that's now [TS]

00:18:09   is that somehow somehow the cult of [TS]

00:18:13   menswear has agreed and this is the you [TS]

00:18:17   know the greatest trick the devil ever [TS]

00:18:19   pulled was to convince people that [TS]

00:18:24   really short-armed suit jackets and suit [TS]

00:18:30   jackets that end can fit your belt are [TS]

00:18:33   really handsome and that's the [TS]

00:18:34   contemporary style who write like like [TS]

00:18:37   menswear now and I know you I know you [TS]

00:18:39   follow the menswear pretty carefully [TS]

00:18:40   pretty closely it means a lot to me but [TS]

00:18:43   if you were to go let's say let's say [TS]

00:18:45   for instance somebody said Merlin Mann [TS]

00:18:47   yeah [TS]

00:18:48   despite all your best efforts you need a [TS]

00:18:51   suit to wear to a thing I had to do that [TS]

00:18:55   you did I had to conduct a wedding [TS]

00:18:58   about a month ago right I I needed to [TS]

00:19:01   get a big voices so you got us a new [TS]

00:19:04   suit [TS]

00:19:05   I did Wow well I now I kinda want to [TS]

00:19:07   hear about how that went [TS]

00:19:09   you're going to be incredibly bored but [TS]

00:19:10   did you go to the men's wearhouse nope [TS]

00:19:13   my wife stopped by banana republic on [TS]

00:19:16   the way home from trader joe's suit but [TS]

00:19:21   oh I'm laughing like my dad [TS]

00:19:25   this episode of Roderick on the line is [TS]

00:19:28   brought to you by Casper one more right [TS]

00:19:31   now please visit Casper dot-com / [TS]

00:19:34   supertrain Casper is an online retailer [TS]

00:19:37   of premium mattresses that you can get [TS]

00:19:39   for a fraction of the price that you'll [TS]

00:19:41   find in stores Casper mattress is a [TS]

00:19:45   beautiful thing [TS]

00:19:46   it's a mattress that provides resilience [TS]

00:19:48   and long-lasting supportive comfort it [TS]

00:19:51   is a new one-of-a-kind hybrid mattress [TS]

00:19:54   the combines premium latex foam with [TS]

00:19:57   memory foam these two technologies come [TS]

00:20:00   together for a terrific night sleep it [TS]

00:20:02   is just the right sink and many people [TS]

00:20:04   say just the right balance its [TS]

00:20:07   obsessively engineered mattress and [TS]

00:20:09   shockingly fair price [TS]

00:20:11   I gotta know how this game works guys [TS]

00:20:13   mattresses [TS]

00:20:14   am i right the problem is you get a [TS]

00:20:16   retail mattress from a store somewhere [TS]

00:20:17   they can cost you well over fifteen [TS]

00:20:19   hundred dollars American but casper [TS]

00:20:22   mattresses are so affordable prices [TS]

00:20:24   start at five hundred or a twin size [TS]

00:20:26   mattress 754 full 854 queen-size and 954 [TS]

00:20:30   their tricked-out king-size mattress it [TS]

00:20:32   still has the sink it still has the [TS]

00:20:33   bounce an outstanding matters and you [TS]

00:20:35   know what turns out these are made in [TS]

00:20:37   America to me to really understand why [TS]

00:20:40   Casper's different you gotta look at how [TS]

00:20:41   this whole mattress rocket works it's [TS]

00:20:43   it's a mess it's a mess you do not want [TS]

00:20:45   to go out to the outlet mall and go lay [TS]

00:20:47   on a mattress and land on another [TS]

00:20:48   mattress and there's some guy in a stain [TS]

00:20:50   ty trying to talk you into something you [TS]

00:20:52   want this 1i and you can't price [TS]

00:20:55   comparing because they deliberately give [TS]

00:20:56   them confusing names [TS]

00:20:58   it's it's it's just it's the worst [TS]

00:20:59   cancer is going to save you from this [TS]

00:21:01   they are revolutionising ok the mattress [TS]

00:21:04   industry by cutting the cost of dealing [TS]

00:21:06   with these resellers these jackals in [TS]

00:21:07   their showrooms and their present [TS]

00:21:09   savings directly onto you the sleep [TS]

00:21:11   desirous consumer as for understand that [TS]

00:21:14   buying a mattress online it can seem a [TS]

00:21:16   little bit monkey balls that's my words [TS]

00:21:17   they didn't tell me to say that but but [TS]

00:21:19   they know this seems really work at how [TS]

00:21:21   I'm gonna buy a mattress on the internet [TS]

00:21:24   seems crazy but here's the thing [TS]

00:21:25   buying casper mattresses completely [TS]

00:21:27   risk-free offer free delivery and [TS]

00:21:30   returns with any 100-day Pierre you try [TS]

00:21:32   to sleep on this for 100 nights if you [TS]

00:21:34   don't like it you just send it back to [TS]

00:21:35   them to come pick it up for you you [TS]

00:21:38   don't go lay on a bed for four minutes [TS]

00:21:39   and decide that's how you want to spend [TS]

00:21:40   a third of your life that is no way to [TS]

00:21:42   live [TS]

00:21:43   yeah really try this thing out that you [TS]

00:21:44   know i've been using a using excuse me [TS]

00:21:47   adult parts words here I've been [TS]

00:21:49   sleeping the crap out of a casper [TS]

00:21:50   mattresses for over a year i love it my [TS]

00:21:52   lady loves that we all say so let's go [TS]

00:21:54   sleep somewhere else is not a cast for [TS]

00:21:55   mattress i safe eye on you [TS]

00:21:58   it is the wrong kind of mattress my [TS]

00:21:59   friend this is not shockingly well [TS]

00:22:01   engineered made in America makes me sick [TS]

00:22:03   i love my mattress it arrives in a box [TS]

00:22:05   you carry up the steps just slid open [TS]

00:22:07   the boot [TS]

00:22:08   Molly and inhales and it turns into a [TS]

00:22:10   mattress and you can do that yourself [TS]

00:22:11   and have to go to the outlet mall gold [TS]

00:22:13   you're living in an amazing time I hope [TS]

00:22:15   you're aware that an incredible time you [TS]

00:22:20   gotta check out the Casper mattress it's [TS]

00:22:21   so the best you know we should we do [TS]

00:22:22   this add you know a lot but I don't you [TS]

00:22:25   understand i actually really like this [TS]

00:22:26   mattress I'd like you to get one of [TS]

00:22:28   these you want to make me happy [TS]

00:22:29   go out you go to Casper calm / [TS]

00:22:31   supertrain at least look around it's a [TS]

00:22:33   pretty website you know you're listening [TS]

00:22:35   to this show so why not save yourself 50 [TS]

00:22:37   bucks because when you go to Casper [TS]

00:22:39   common checkout casa.com / supertrain [TS]

00:22:41   and use the offer code supertrain you're [TS]

00:22:43   going to save fifty dollars fifty [TS]

00:22:46   dollars off the mattress can believe [TS]

00:22:47   that [TS]

00:22:48   what's going around you know that you [TS]

00:22:50   want to sleep on a futon that that's [TS]

00:22:52   like sleeping on a large sponge it's no [TS]

00:22:53   way to live [TS]

00:22:54   move on we're Americans here Casper calm [TS]

00:22:58   / supertrain thank you so much for [TS]

00:23:00   supporting Roderick on the line [TS]

00:23:02   wow that's that's amazing i'm going to [TS]

00:23:05   that is that's a fucking amazing wife is [TS]

00:23:07   what that is amazing what but I'm very [TS]

00:23:09   surprised now that i think about that [TS]

00:23:10   you didn't get it from amazon prime [TS]

00:23:12   you're laughing like my dad if I if I [TS]

00:23:20   could I would ya know but let's what's [TS]

00:23:22   kind of find out what this is the beauty [TS]

00:23:25   part is my wife when she was roughly how [TS]

00:23:27   I'm shaped or she mostly remembers how I [TS]

00:23:29   used to be shaped you gotta write she [TS]

00:23:30   got me sooo she brought home the suit [TS]

00:23:32   was great i just had to go to the little [TS]

00:23:34   tailor guy looks very tiny little tailor [TS]

00:23:36   guy around the corner [TS]

00:23:38   yeah it was great and he he he hemmed up [TS]

00:23:40   my pants and then he insisted on fixing [TS]

00:23:43   the length of my sleeve which I thought [TS]

00:23:44   were fine but he fix those to $45 out [TS]

00:23:47   the door [TS]

00:23:48   wow that's a good deal now where did you [TS]

00:23:50   go with the sleeps he went up right when [TS]

00:23:51   up a little bit yes a little guy [TS]

00:23:53   here's the funny part so now my part is [TS]

00:23:55   I needed I needed as soon as quick and [TS]

00:23:57   super boring i needed a suit i needed a [TS]

00:24:00   tie i needed shoes and then there's the [TS]

00:24:03   thing you always forget which is you [TS]

00:24:05   need a belt [TS]

00:24:06   oh you do need a belt so I apparently [TS]

00:24:08   apparently it's gotta match the shoes my [TS]

00:24:11   wife did all the heavy lifting my wife [TS]

00:24:13   got me a suit on the way home from ben [TS]

00:24:14   from from the trader joes she got me a [TS]

00:24:17   suit she brought home i tried on I [TS]

00:24:18   didn't try it on I just took it to the [TS]

00:24:19   tailor and he made me try it on [TS]

00:24:21   whatever it was got me attaching a cool [TS]

00:24:23   time with sharks and fish bones on it i [TS]

00:24:25   conducted a wedding in that tie and then [TS]

00:24:29   you know what I did hate to admit this [TS]

00:24:30   on the internet but I bought probably [TS]

00:24:33   the most expensive fancy shoes I've ever [TS]

00:24:37   bought in my life i don't i'm not i want [TS]

00:24:40   you to mention this on the internet i'm [TS]

00:24:41   excited about this i got pretty calm [TS]

00:24:43   which called brogues those like because [TS]

00:24:45   those cool looking brown shoes with [TS]

00:24:47   holes in them [TS]

00:24:48   Alan edmondson they're the most costly [TS]

00:24:50   shoes I've ever owned in my life [TS]

00:24:52   you got allen-edmonds like like Brody [TS]

00:24:56   brokes yeah my boy she's very impressed [TS]

00:24:59   those are those are handmade in America [TS]

00:25:01   they are there gorgeous and they smell [TS]

00:25:03   the whole house the small issues they're [TS]

00:25:05   gorgeous they're amazing so that's all [TS]

00:25:07   great i'm good i got a pair of socks i [TS]

00:25:09   can repurpose right I do need a belt [TS]

00:25:11   don't do socks to go through well maybe [TS]

00:25:13   you do but yeah [TS]

00:25:14   yes Jesse thorn I wear funny socks [TS]

00:25:16   because on that guy so I didn't just go [TS]

00:25:20   to amazon i didn't just go to Amazon [TS]

00:25:23   with amazon prime [TS]

00:25:24   I want the Amazon Prime now and I guess [TS]

00:25:26   that my belt size and I said I had a [TS]

00:25:28   belt delivered to my house in two hours [TS]

00:25:30   what is amazon prime now a whole [TS]

00:25:32   separate level of amazon prime [TS]

00:25:34   yes so you're telling me there's [TS]

00:25:36   something called galley you get legos [TS]

00:25:38   delivered to your house in two hours [TS]

00:25:40   there's something called amazon prime [TS]

00:25:41   now so is there another thing that's [TS]

00:25:45   like amazon prime now right now is it [TS]

00:25:47   your card [TS]

00:25:48   ok yeah that thing where Ricky J throws [TS]

00:25:52   a card thru window and it's got a roll [TS]

00:25:54   of toilet paper [TS]

00:25:55   it's been there the whole uh I'm very [TS]

00:25:59   impressed by amazon you know my mom [TS]

00:26:00   periodically gets a gets texts that say [TS]

00:26:05   right now there's a truck at the corner [TS]

00:26:07   of fourteenth and madison and it's got [TS]

00:26:08   steaks in it for fifteen dollars do you [TS]

00:26:12   want them [TS]

00:26:12   yeah that's that's it that's ok that's a [TS]

00:26:14   scam what is well I mean I think it's a [TS]

00:26:17   pretty well-known ok so guy comes to [TS]

00:26:18   your door [TS]

00:26:19   he looks pretty pretty clean because he [TS]

00:26:21   listened at currently notices this is [TS]

00:26:24   the first thing you want to look forward [TS]

00:26:25   to go cause grandfather hey he's a clear [TS]

00:26:28   all the way no man comes to your [TS]

00:26:30   daughters listen I hope you can help me [TS]

00:26:31   out of a jam [TS]

00:26:32   I had a big order canceled at the last [TS]

00:26:34   min [TS]

00:26:34   it i have i got what five ten pounds of [TS]

00:26:38   prime steaks out here huh like this is a [TS]

00:26:41   known scam the stakes cam is the door [TS]

00:26:43   snakeskin I've never forget about how [TS]

00:26:44   it's a scam but i'm pretty sure it's a [TS]

00:26:46   scam it's a little bit like my kids in [TS]

00:26:48   the car I got a job interview [TS]

00:26:49   yeah you've got you've got what happens [TS]

00:26:51   i think as you get some steaks you buy [TS]

00:26:54   stakes in bulk it's like buying a pound [TS]

00:26:56   of pot in your head up into grams and [TS]

00:27:00   you and you you're making profit on the [TS]

00:27:02   margin [TS]

00:27:02   mmm i get the sense this is that this is [TS]

00:27:05   kind of a thing where you go to go to [TS]

00:27:07   let's say you go to arby's let's just [TS]

00:27:11   take for a moment the possibility that [TS]

00:27:13   you would go to an arby's I think it's [TS]

00:27:14   pretty good possibility if i ever went [TS]

00:27:17   my wife wouldn't know let's just leave [TS]

00:27:18   it at that [TS]

00:27:19   uh we don't talk about arby's let's say [TS]

00:27:21   well don't talk about arby's we tell me [TS]

00:27:23   you tell me you're gonna go to your [TS]

00:27:24   whatever you go to your grave or whatnot [TS]

00:27:26   you're never going to have another beef [TS]

00:27:27   and cheddar as long as you live [TS]

00:27:29   this is the thing first rule of arbys [TS]

00:27:30   club mhm [TS]

00:27:32   you know timewise but here's here's the [TS]

00:27:34   secret of our bees are you ready yeah [TS]

00:27:36   the best thing at arbys is the chicken [TS]

00:27:39   sandwich [TS]

00:27:40   the best thing at arbys is that this is [TS]

00:27:42   the new arbys yeah this is America's [TS]

00:27:44   roast beef yes sir yes sir [TS]

00:27:46   mhm you don't know that this is this [TS]

00:27:48   can't be yogurt or this country's best [TS]

00:27:51   yogurt [TS]

00:27:52   no fucking way is this yogurt uh-hum so [TS]

00:27:54   let's say you're at an Arby's you get a [TS]

00:27:56   chicken sandwich [TS]

00:27:58   it's great primarily because it the the [TS]

00:28:01   chicken has been dredged in flour and [TS]

00:28:05   then french-fried a kind of like a [TS]

00:28:09   chick-fil-a right very much like a [TS]

00:28:11   triple a and then some lettuce and [TS]

00:28:13   mayonnaise goes on that's a great [TS]

00:28:15   combination [TS]

00:28:15   I know right and then it is simple it's [TS]

00:28:17   nice and simple so you go to an RPG get [TS]

00:28:20   your roast beef sandwich of course [TS]

00:28:22   yeah right you have a look here I get [TS]

00:28:24   three sandwiches and duplicated potato [TS]

00:28:26   cakes when I go to arby's well instead [TS]

00:28:28   of potato cakes i get Swiss cheese put [TS]

00:28:30   on the sandwich that's nice i had Swiss [TS]

00:28:33   right but uh then you get a chicken [TS]

00:28:37   sandwich as a kind of like taste [TS]

00:28:39   sensation that's for the table it's just [TS]

00:28:41   that you're the table exactly so you got [TS]

00:28:43   your sitting in your car you got three [TS]

00:28:46   RB sandwiches and [TS]

00:28:47   chicken sandwich I hate that I relate to [TS]

00:28:50   send you so much you gobble the roast [TS]

00:28:53   beef sandwiches because you have the [TS]

00:28:55   last thing you want to do is get have [TS]

00:28:57   those things get cold and then all of a [TS]

00:28:59   sudden you can't even imagine how much [TS]

00:29:00   this is actually how I eat almost 700 [TS]

00:29:04   entrees and appetizers exactly once an [TS]

00:29:07   Arby's sandwich gets cold the beef but [TS]

00:29:14   what will call the beef right sake of [TS]

00:29:16   the argument here that takes on the [TS]

00:29:19   consistency and kind of mouthfeel of [TS]

00:29:22   like like the labia of a dead raccoon ok [TS]

00:29:26   alright so it's it's sort of it's like [TS]

00:29:28   am it's kind of like i like i like a [TS]

00:29:30   rodent lobby a stake them [TS]

00:29:33   yeah right okay let's take'em remember [TS]

00:29:36   stay calm stickers and once the real [TS]

00:29:37   skinny and the frozen you throw him [TS]

00:29:40   right into the pan and then they [TS]

00:29:42   evacuate right in their eyes I don't [TS]

00:29:44   think I do remember stay calm but I [TS]

00:29:45   think you've told me about stickam and [TS]

00:29:48   so I have a kind of your tribe [TS]

00:29:50   fluffernutter stickam steakums were [TS]

00:29:53   pretty good and but they're SuperDuper [TS]

00:29:55   cheap they're basically they're like [TS]

00:29:57   here's the thing if you have you ever [TS]

00:29:58   seen like what a block we talked about [TS]

00:30:00   this you we've talked about this cheese [TS]

00:30:02   parties block which is gelatinous don't [TS]

00:30:05   tell me about the armies but don't want [TS]

00:30:07   your own block go to room temperature [TS]

00:30:08   definitely go to fucking arbys [TS]

00:30:10   temperature or it's going to turn in [TS]

00:30:12   till to like lobby already Coon gelatin [TS]

00:30:15   it's a gel it's a gel it's a gel it's a [TS]

00:30:18   hardened gel that is flash-fried yeah [TS]

00:30:20   and when you slice it but the thing is [TS]

00:30:21   when you think about slicing a roast [TS]

00:30:22   beef you think about all i have this big [TS]

00:30:24   roast beef that I made I'm gonna slice [TS]

00:30:25   into slices from the integrity of the [TS]

00:30:28   the initial primary Rose you got a case [TS]

00:30:30   here got a beef integrity [TS]

00:30:32   this is closer to like the cabinets on a [TS]

00:30:35   vanity in a mobile home that kind of [TS]

00:30:37   particle board accepts particle beef [TS]

00:30:40   well sure you slice it with a laser or [TS]

00:30:42   with the with like a sawzall yeah you [TS]

00:30:46   slight well yeah that's exactly right [TS]

00:30:48   you slide I think you so I think what [TS]

00:30:50   happens is you take a piano wire and [TS]

00:30:53   then you slice the gelatin with um ok [TS]

00:30:56   but but but my experience of the [TS]

00:30:58   chickens [TS]

00:30:59   lunch at arbys is that this thing is the [TS]

00:31:03   best thing on the menu the rest of the [TS]

00:31:04   food at arbys you're taking your life in [TS]

00:31:07   your own hands [TS]

00:31:08   you know what you're doing and I mean [TS]

00:31:09   yeah you know what she did [TS]

00:31:11   it's a bet you do know what you did and [TS]

00:31:13   you're a bad boy and you know that [TS]

00:31:15   you're not gonna tell anybody went to [TS]

00:31:17   arby's you're not gonna tell your wife [TS]

00:31:19   you can put on pinterest and I'm gonna [TS]

00:31:21   put it on pinterest you're not going to [TS]

00:31:22   go on Twitter and say I want to RB [TS]

00:31:24   uh-huh [TS]

00:31:25   because you're going to get more [TS]

00:31:26   comments than that the the circumcision [TS]

00:31:29   article in The New York Times yeah I [TS]

00:31:31   incidentally written by a Jewish guy who [TS]

00:31:33   is like full disclosure [TS]

00:31:36   this is part of my culture we're coming [TS]

00:31:37   back to circumcision don't worry about [TS]

00:31:39   that met all these comments that were [TS]

00:31:41   like clientes Medicare like a little bit [TS]

00:31:44   like in something in some ways it was [TS]

00:31:47   hey all religion is is a his bunk so I'm [TS]

00:31:51   sure you get some of that in comments [TS]

00:31:53   yeah you're robbing it turns into a [TS]

00:31:54   briefcase but my so I have this terrible [TS]

00:31:57   i had this terrible reaction for this [TS]

00:32:01   terrible moment of clarity where I was [TS]

00:32:03   sitting in my car and I was following up [TS]

00:32:04   my three arbys roast beef sandwiches [TS]

00:32:06   with my delicious chicken sandwich the [TS]

00:32:08   bed that's really the answers you're [TS]

00:32:09   looking forward to this is a [TS]

00:32:10   multi-course sandwich meal that's right [TS]

00:32:12   i'm trying i'm actually just plowing [TS]

00:32:14   through these roast beefs uh-huh to get [TS]

00:32:17   to the ps2 races start and then I get to [TS]

00:32:21   the ps2 racist and I'm enjoying it and [TS]

00:32:23   then I think of all the articles i've [TS]

00:32:25   read about chickens all the terror that [TS]

00:32:29   that's a terrible time to think of that [TS]

00:32:30   challenge it's the worst time to think [TS]

00:32:32   of it because there is no good story of [TS]

00:32:35   American chickens and if there is if I [TS]

00:32:38   me if American chickens have a good [TS]

00:32:40   story it is not at any point going to [TS]

00:32:43   touch an arby's yeah you know what I [TS]

00:32:45   mean like do I do [TS]

00:32:47   they're getting their chicken right from [TS]

00:32:49   Purdue and it's coming to them probably [TS]

00:32:52   in a pocket like literally in a pipeline [TS]

00:32:54   like the chicken arrives in a pipe like [TS]

00:32:57   a tap right like it's like you get those [TS]

00:33:00   trucks to come and pick up your talent [TS]

00:33:02   Greece it's the opposite they just they [TS]

00:33:04   just have a host probably 6 8 inch hose [TS]

00:33:06   full of quarters called chicken for now [TS]

00:33:08   that they blow into the armies into the [TS]

00:33:10   containment facility i cannot think [TS]

00:33:13   that is not true because remember the [TS]

00:33:14   whole pink slime problem okay auntie I [TS]

00:33:17   do well think about how many chicken [TS]

00:33:21   breasts get sold every year versus how [TS]

00:33:24   many breasts are on a typical chicken [TS]

00:33:26   all I've thought about this [TS]

00:33:27   yeah I thought about this with baby [TS]

00:33:29   carrots baby carrots are a fucking scam [TS]

00:33:31   first of all this is very quick [TS]

00:33:33   it drives me nuts been at baby carrots [TS]

00:33:34   right are basically big carrots that [TS]

00:33:36   have been milled down to be small [TS]

00:33:38   carrots know is really know there's no [TS]

00:33:40   such thing as a baby carrot no come on [TS]

00:33:42   they're taking those carrots out of the [TS]

00:33:43   ground before they're ready to put on [TS]

00:33:45   the lathe put on a carrot lays it makes [TS]

00:33:47   a little carrot it's like a like a [TS]

00:33:49   quarter no turn out like with the French [TS]

00:33:51   French turning it's like that except the [TS]

00:33:52   Machine does it but here's the thing [TS]

00:33:54   they're not even trying anymore [TS]

00:33:56   my uh my daughter eats tons of baby [TS]

00:33:57   carrots but they're not even trying [TS]

00:33:58   anymore they just basically cutting off [TS]

00:34:00   the ends and they're still fat and then [TS]

00:34:02   they break open and I hate it [TS]

00:34:03   oh no it's awful what a good story i've [TS]

00:34:07   written about an American carrot what do [TS]

00:34:09   they do with the rest of a carrot [TS]

00:34:11   ya see Michael Stipe says when you throw [TS]

00:34:12   it away whereas away soy bomb' so that I [TS]

00:34:21   did that hinder your usual so I'm [TS]

00:34:24   sitting there and I'm thinking I want to [TS]

00:34:26   eat [TS]

00:34:26   typically i want to eat quality food [TS]

00:34:29   that has never been in a hose they don't [TS]

00:34:32   have a quick and even in my repose I [TS]

00:34:36   think I'm i wonder how I'd like to eat [TS]

00:34:39   if you're just sitting there it's been [TS]

00:34:42   an hour since you ate and you can have a [TS]

00:34:44   nice clear mind you're sitting there [TS]

00:34:45   looking at the bagel you know I had my [TS]

00:34:48   druthers I would choose not to eat [TS]

00:34:50   things that have been shot from a hose [TS]

00:34:51   yeah that's right you think I want to be [TS]

00:34:53   the guy I want to be the person who is [TS]

00:34:56   so bougie that he goes to the market the [TS]

00:35:00   public market like he goes down to the [TS]

00:35:02   farmers market where people are in [TS]

00:35:05   butcher smocks and they have a and they [TS]

00:35:07   look like d-day from animal house i love [TS]

00:35:11   t-day right so they've gotta handle my [TS]

00:35:13   favorite ash and they they're wearing a [TS]

00:35:15   helmet right and you think they'd [TS]

00:35:17   welcome to the first doll and just buy [TS]

00:35:18   some fucking chicken no sir [TS]

00:35:20   they're going to check out every place [TS]

00:35:21   and they got a lot of questions that's [TS]

00:35:23   right and that does have gluten [TS]

00:35:25   does this have dairy has [TS]

00:35:26   chicken ever been traumatized what is [TS]

00:35:28   that what was the name of this chicken [TS]

00:35:31   what was it studying yeah and then the [TS]

00:35:33   guy behind the counter in the butcher's [TS]

00:35:34   mark says that that chickens name was [TS]

00:35:36   Harold mni / I found him to be one of [TS]

00:35:39   the better chickens and on my on my well [TS]

00:35:42   basically my velvet-lined chicken pen [TS]

00:35:44   mhm and I've had a hand fed him hershey [TS]

00:35:47   bars and then you're like I will pay [TS]

00:35:50   1100 dollars a pound for this chicken [TS]

00:35:52   like I want to be that person who feeds [TS]

00:35:56   his children only food that was grown by [TS]

00:36:00   peasants in on a mountainside [TS]

00:36:02   its food you can stand behind food you [TS]

00:36:04   can stand in front of food that you can [TS]

00:36:06   stand next to with your arm around it [TS]

00:36:08   and say mom dad [TS]

00:36:10   yeah this is the food that I brought you [TS]

00:36:12   visit my kitchen anytime you're going to [TS]

00:36:13   see Harold and you can see the light [TS]

00:36:15   that he's had in his in his velvet [TS]

00:36:16   chicken kitchen is this is a chicken has [TS]

00:36:18   had a good life [TS]

00:36:19   what I don't want to do is be driving [TS]

00:36:20   down the street CNR bees and without any [TS]

00:36:24   control of my limbs pull into the drive [TS]

00:36:27   through and before i can think about it [TS]

00:36:30   i ordered three prospeed sandwiches and [TS]

00:36:32   chicken sandwich before I can even think [TS]

00:36:34   about it and then I'm sitting I'm [TS]

00:36:37   sitting in the parking lot or i rejoin [TS]

00:36:40   the road and never been inside that one [TS]

00:36:43   of those one of those tables with you [TS]

00:36:44   connected chairs [TS]

00:36:45   no no I don't want to go and I don't [TS]

00:36:47   want to be horsey sauce [TS]

00:36:48   oh I just I don't because I because that [TS]

00:36:51   requires that extra step of thought [TS]

00:36:53   I'm back on the road I'm going 70 miles [TS]

00:36:56   an hour and I've got three and I've got [TS]

00:36:58   a roast beef sandwich in my hand and [TS]

00:36:59   chicken sam took my lap and I'm not [TS]

00:37:01   thinking about it and I just I just be [TS]

00:37:04   mindful eating I me I got anything this [TS]

00:37:08   own food [TS]

00:37:09   I might even be on the way to with [TS]

00:37:10   dinner where people are gonna serve me [TS]

00:37:12   you Blake blanched kale and I'm like I [TS]

00:37:15   gotta prep for this I totally I always [TS]

00:37:17   eat before I go to dinner I'm gonna get [TS]

00:37:19   I'm gonna get too cold to bully and some [TS]

00:37:21   blanched kale and a kinda I'm gonna are [TS]

00:37:24   my babies are appointed by too many [TS]

00:37:25   quote-unquote dinners where dinner is [TS]

00:37:28   two are exactly side was going to be and [TS]

00:37:29   I'm getting weird and I'm getting a [TS]

00:37:31   headache you get an Arby's on the way to [TS]

00:37:32   dinner and you're gonna it's like it's [TS]

00:37:33   like it's like it's like you doing your [TS]

00:37:36   business before you go on a date [TS]

00:37:37   same idea but it's like laying down [TS]

00:37:40   I'm covering fire before you send your [TS]

00:37:41   platoon in perspective into the fucking [TS]

00:37:44   jungle [TS]

00:37:44   thank you for your service so I but I [TS]

00:37:48   had this I just had this terrible [TS]

00:37:50   thought of these chickens were there [TS]

00:37:51   where their little talents are growing [TS]

00:37:53   into the cages and they're pecking each [TS]

00:37:55   other to death and no and every once in [TS]

00:37:58   a while somebody opens the garage door [TS]

00:38:00   and hit some with a with a like turned [TS]

00:38:02   on a fire hose but it's just cover it's [TS]

00:38:04   just hosing out antibiotics yeah and you [TS]

00:38:07   think how did I get to how did I get [TS]

00:38:09   here [TS]

00:38:10   yeah is there a lower place I guess I [TS]

00:38:12   mcdonalds make nugget probably is lower [TS]

00:38:14   down [TS]

00:38:16   it's the it's the stuff that comes out [TS]

00:38:18   of the chicken hose there at the end of [TS]

00:38:20   the day you know right that was the [TS]

00:38:22   innovation was the the Nugget person [TS]

00:38:25   figured out that all these other parts [TS]

00:38:27   that we previously just waste [TS]

00:38:29   there's a way to turn these into [TS]

00:38:30   something we give our kids with the [TS]

00:38:31   winner's prize he the prize isn't justin [TS]

00:38:34   mcnugget who also get a little plastic [TS]

00:38:37   thing in a plastic thing it's not it's [TS]

00:38:42   not it's not a good feeling [TS]

00:38:43   Marvin you're stronger hale and hearty I [TS]

00:38:48   do i do fine i do you think you've been [TS]

00:38:51   eating in some in some ways some people [TS]

00:38:53   would say pure garbage [TS]

00:38:55   yeah i'm just trying to cut down the [TS]

00:38:57   bread I the garbage garbage protein you [TS]

00:39:00   know I'm trying to be more advisable [TS]

00:39:01   about you know the thing is this [TS]

00:39:02   affecting my life that I can't tonight i [TS]

00:39:03   don't have a name for this you could get [TS]

00:39:05   paleo Atkins all have the terms of art I [TS]

00:39:08   know that if I eat a lot more protein [TS]

00:39:10   and a lot less of almost everything else [TS]

00:39:12   except vegetables I feel markedly better [TS]

00:39:15   like within two days yesterday morning I [TS]

00:39:18   had to cook hamburger patties for [TS]

00:39:20   breakfast and had a great day [TS]

00:39:21   yeah I you know I started seeing a [TS]

00:39:24   doctor [TS]

00:39:25   yeah right i went to the doctor one time [TS]

00:39:28   you had the-they working your sebaceous [TS]

00:39:30   cyst well before that I went to the [TS]

00:39:31   doctor one time he he talked to me he [TS]

00:39:34   did that doctor thing was like Europe [TS]

00:39:36   looked at the Charlie said you're a [TS]

00:39:38   musician I was like that's right doc he [TS]

00:39:42   looked back at the chart then he looked [TS]

00:39:44   at me again trying to make sense of it [TS]

00:39:46   but he you know he took my blood [TS]

00:39:49   pressure he asked me some questions [TS]

00:39:51   he you know so this is went to the [TS]

00:39:53   doctor one time and went to the doctor [TS]

00:39:55   to times and I went to the doctor three [TS]

00:39:57   times and at that point Fugees song [TS]

00:40:02   yeah but but I but what i want haha what [TS]

00:40:13   I want to know so i go to him and I want [TS]

00:40:16   some reassurance and I say well let go [TS]

00:40:18   to the doctor you wanted to him he gave [TS]

00:40:20   me plenty of reassurance he said you [TS]

00:40:23   don't have prostate cancer you just you [TS]

00:40:25   just don't get why you're so not looking [TS]

00:40:27   for a while I'm surprised you're not [TS]

00:40:29   more of an athlete because you're so fit [TS]

00:40:31   i want to hear you're mostly ok is what [TS]

00:40:34   I hear it's exactly what you want to [TS]

00:40:35   hear when you go to the dentist it's [TS]

00:40:36   like well your gums haven't received [TS]

00:40:38   that much you can floss more but you're [TS]

00:40:39   mostly ok I would take that every time [TS]

00:40:41   like okay great [TS]

00:40:43   I don't want to go to the dentist and [TS]

00:40:44   have the woman say well your teeth are [TS]

00:40:47   the color of coffee now I don't care get [TS]

00:40:50   there put me on a course of chemo god [TS]

00:40:52   forbid but if they went out what I don't [TS]

00:40:54   care how bad off i am I still want them [TS]

00:40:56   to say you're mostly okay you're really [TS]

00:40:58   okay take these pills and shop for this [TS]

00:40:59   appointment but so here's what the [TS]

00:41:01   doctor says I'm like when i try to you [TS]

00:41:02   know I don't need a lot of bread above [TS]

00:41:05   and he gets this look on his face it's [TS]

00:41:06   basically the look of somebody who's [TS]

00:41:08   about to tell me that circumcision is [TS]

00:41:09   bad [TS]

00:41:10   yeah and oh wait a minute I look up I [TS]

00:41:12   look up on the wall and there's a little [TS]

00:41:15   body board in the shape of a of a infant [TS]

00:41:18   made a little bit of molded plastic it's [TS]

00:41:21   the first time I've ever seen one of [TS]

00:41:22   these him to the doctor about a bunch [TS]

00:41:25   got a molded baby figure here's a molded [TS]

00:41:27   baby it's like a gravy boat for babies [TS]

00:41:30   and I look up at it and I'm like he [TS]

00:41:35   comes in and I've been looking at this [TS]

00:41:36   thing and I say hey Doc you gotta tell [TS]

00:41:38   me what is this little baby bucket but [TS]

00:41:41   like shaped it's like a it's like if you [TS]

00:41:43   were going to marinate a baby I'm like [TS]

00:41:46   what is this thing and he's like oh [TS]

00:41:48   that's a circumcision bored you put the [TS]

00:41:52   baby in the in the baby shaped bucket [TS]

00:41:54   uh-huh and you can you can snip him [TS]

00:41:58   oh and then I look up and there is [TS]

00:42:00   there's a yellow stain in the pp area [TS]

00:42:04   mm and I'm like doc that's gross and he [TS]

00:42:07   says no no no we use a yellow a kind of [TS]

00:42:12   antiseptic i'm looking at this thing [TS]

00:42:15   right now this is horrifying [TS]

00:42:16   it's almost like a tex avery baby shape [TS]

00:42:19   thing [TS]

00:42:20   yeah with start this other site at first [TS]

00:42:23   glance it looks like something for child [TS]

00:42:25   safety [TS]

00:42:26   yeah but it's you put a baby in it and [TS]

00:42:28   it's got velcro straps you stop the kid [TS]

00:42:30   into this thing that lets me look at my [TS]

00:42:33   daughter would mix her paints in exactly [TS]

00:42:34   this was a baby its kind of medieval [TS]

00:42:36   looking the baby's not gonna be [TS]

00:42:38   comfortable in this place unless you'll [TS]

00:42:40   lay down some unless you put some flow [TS]

00:42:42   fluffernutter in there and then they [TS]

00:42:45   apparently hos hos the baby's a little [TS]

00:42:49   peepee down with some yellow [TS]

00:42:51   disinfectant and then whack and it's [TS]

00:42:54   he's got a special little little place [TS]

00:42:57   for me and he hangs on the wall like [TS]

00:42:59   it's a like it's a clock [TS]

00:43:02   yeah it gets up high to I've never seen [TS]

00:43:04   it before so I say to him after this [TS]

00:43:07   conversation I say yeah I try to you [TS]

00:43:10   know gluten and sugar and some work he [TS]

00:43:12   gets this look this bit like this vac [TS]

00:43:15   sir look a doubter and he goes you know [TS]

00:43:19   what all that's baloney and I'm gonna [TS]

00:43:23   really really but I knew it was going to [TS]

00:43:27   say that because you know doctors don't [TS]

00:43:29   know everything cool and he says yeah I [TS]

00:43:32   mean you know you with your body once if [TS]

00:43:34   you want to once a breaded to it's not [TS]

00:43:37   gonna you know the number of people that [TS]

00:43:38   are truly sensitive to gluten is this [TS]

00:43:40   tiny fraction oh this is a triple turns [TS]

00:43:42   out i've heard that is totally true [TS]

00:43:45   yeah right first i've heard people say [TS]

00:43:47   there's like one percent of population [TS]

00:43:48   has the celiac is a non-celiac they're [TS]

00:43:50   all incredibly where if you feel better [TS]

00:43:52   not eating bread don't eat bread but but [TS]

00:43:55   you don't have to make a thing out of it [TS]

00:43:57   yeah it's not it's not you don't have to [TS]

00:43:58   bring your A your comfort animal on the [TS]

00:44:02   on the plane just you know just because [TS]

00:44:05   you don't like being on airplanes right [TS]

00:44:07   did you see the woman that brought that [TS]

00:44:08   yeah if you haven't seen this you're [TS]

00:44:10   gonna love it [TS]

00:44:11   woman brought up a full-grown turkey [TS]

00:44:14   comfort turkey creek comfort turkey [TS]

00:44:17   and she had a plushie and a plausible [TS]

00:44:19   story or her husband died she bonded [TS]

00:44:22   with this turkey that's nice because [TS]

00:44:24   that you know the turkey brought her [TS]

00:44:27   solace [TS]

00:44:28   yeah sure then she was going to go visit [TS]

00:44:30   some relatives and she just felt like [TS]

00:44:32   separated from the turkey she was going [TS]

00:44:34   to be a little bit when she got to the [TS]

00:44:37   hell is a live Turkey right John it's a [TS]

00:44:38   full live Turkey which you know when it [TS]

00:44:41   had it up it had its own seat on the [TS]

00:44:43   plane and there's some lovely photos of [TS]

00:44:45   the term this turkey uncompressed ending [TS]

00:44:49   looking out the window [TS]

00:44:50   it's gonna go i'm not i couldn't fall [TS]

00:44:55   turkey Turkey you know and turkey can [TS]

00:45:01   tell a lot to process even for a [TS]

00:45:03   protective Cup [TS]

00:45:05   I don't care if it is a comfort turkey [TS]

00:45:07   Turkey turkey is brain can distinguish [TS]

00:45:10   on a worm from a rock about six sixty [TS]

00:45:14   percent of the time and it and it's made [TS]

00:45:17   to it's a Turkey's made to periodically [TS]

00:45:20   eat rocks right because that helps with [TS]

00:45:22   digestion well and all yeah right and [TS]

00:45:24   God new like if I don't make it if I [TS]

00:45:28   don't make my gonna make this really [TS]

00:45:29   simple for the turkey yeah well making [TS]

00:45:31   contingency within this turkey curry is [TS]

00:45:33   not a lot going to learn about like [TS]

00:45:34   health shakes on its own [TS]

00:45:36   I should probably make it so that no [TS]

00:45:37   periodically when he rocks it's gonna or [TS]

00:45:39   just like accidentally rocks are looking [TS]

00:45:41   a rock and go that and so here's this [TS]

00:45:44   turkey and he's looking out the window [TS]

00:45:46   of a of this airplane at 30,000 feet and [TS]

00:45:49   I just I'm trying to picture what is [TS]

00:45:51   going through his fucking Turkey mind [TS]

00:45:53   and then you know the lady next times I [TS]

00:45:56   guess given him hugs and stuff yeah that [TS]

00:45:59   mean to you know she's comforting the [TS]

00:46:01   turkey they got a lot maybe that gives [TS]

00:46:03   her comfort right now sometimes it's [TS]

00:46:05   nice [TS]

00:46:05   that's really giving comfort mhm I'm [TS]

00:46:08   trying I'm trying to teach my kid that [TS]

00:46:09   but she does not get it [TS]

00:46:11   my cake it is hard to be depressed when [TS]

00:46:13   you're helping another person i told my [TS]

00:46:15   daughter that is very true if you're [TS]

00:46:16   feeling sad help someone else [TS]

00:46:18   oh I wanted I want to try and i want to [TS]

00:46:20   suggest that to my own kid who just [TS]

00:46:22   recently has started to say daddy why [TS]

00:46:26   don't you move [TS]

00:46:26   [Music] [TS]

00:46:28   I can only honest [TS]

00:46:30   question question daddy what why don't [TS]

00:46:32   you just move and I'm like moved to a [TS]

00:46:34   different house and she's like no move [TS]

00:46:36   to New York and I said move to New York [TS]

00:46:40   with you know I'll stay here with Mama a [TS]

00:46:44   boy that's a that's a provocative [TS]

00:46:46   question [TS]

00:46:46   yeah and i'm like what I answered you [TS]

00:46:48   have a good reason why i said well [TS]

00:46:50   sweetie I would you would I wouldn't be [TS]

00:46:53   around then she's like yeah I know [TS]

00:46:55   wow I'm like just thought about this I'm [TS]

00:46:58   like you are you are you like running [TS]

00:47:00   this by me to see what I do and she's [TS]

00:47:04   like well I mean you know you don't have [TS]

00:47:06   to be here [TS]

00:47:07   oh you could damn you can just and I [TS]

00:47:10   said what you want me to send you videos [TS]

00:47:14   and she said you could send Nana videos [TS]

00:47:18   are and then every once in awhile just [TS]

00:47:20   trying to make this easy on you [TS]

00:47:21   I'm like right so my mom wants a video [TS]

00:47:24   from me more often than my kid does is [TS]

00:47:27   her that's her cosmology I'm like well [TS]

00:47:30   alright maybe we're going through a [TS]

00:47:32   thing right now we're or maybe she just [TS]

00:47:35   like realizes how superfluous daddies [TS]

00:47:40   are ya [TS]

00:47:41   and she just wants to get down to brass [TS]

00:47:42   tacks like--look you're not you don't [TS]

00:47:45   give me food any better than anybody [TS]

00:47:47   else gives me that she get away with [TS]

00:47:50   more with other caregivers who who does [TS]

00:47:55   she ever [TS]

00:47:56   oh really yeah so maybe that's it [TS]

00:48:01   ok this includes the two primary [TS]

00:48:03   auxiliary females others will all be [TS]

00:48:05   everybody else everybody else in the [TS]

00:48:07   clan [TS]

00:48:08   uh-huh is female except for like a step [TS]

00:48:12   grandpa who's a wonderful wonderful [TS]

00:48:14   wonderful step grandpa but uh but he's [TS]

00:48:18   one of those doting step grandmas who [TS]

00:48:20   does the like gets down on the floor and [TS]

00:48:22   plays cars with there for hours [TS]

00:48:25   whoo the thing that's like pretty I mean [TS]

00:48:28   a pretty great effort for a [TS]

00:48:29   seventy-five-year-old it's really boring [TS]

00:48:32   uh-huh and they don't know seriously [TS]

00:48:34   four-person right playing anything for [TS]

00:48:36   that long is really boring [TS]

00:48:37   well here's if they don't they don't [TS]

00:48:38   have they have cars they have toy cars [TS]

00:48:40   up there at grand grand parents house [TS]

00:48:42   but they don't have little [TS]

00:48:43   figures so they use marbles as people so [TS]

00:48:49   how do they coax the kid into being that [TS]

00:48:50   creative beat me they just start driving [TS]

00:48:53   around with marbles in the cars and the [TS]

00:48:55   liner wanna play with figures if they're [TS]

00:48:56   not the same scale i agree with her [TS]

00:49:00   you can't the big Wolverine a little [TS]

00:49:01   Wolverine together Oh unless there's [TS]

00:49:03   much there is a plausible story where [TS]

00:49:05   the big Wolverine is the daddy and the [TS]

00:49:07   little warmer regions the baby that's [TS]

00:49:08   actually really sweet she's never seen [TS]

00:49:09   dr. shrinker boy this is super [TS]

00:49:11   interesting so she's got an exit [TS]

00:49:12   strategy for you it sounds like yeah [TS]

00:49:14   right she is trying to shuffle me off to [TS]

00:49:16   Buffalo she's got the little she's got [TS]

00:49:18   the hook and it's coming from offstage [TS]

00:49:20   and I'm like mammy mammy and they're [TS]

00:49:24   like that and this is just what you know [TS]

00:49:27   about now [TS]

00:49:28   you don't know what else could have been [TS]

00:49:29   in the works for a while this is you [TS]

00:49:30   just hearing about it now who knows who [TS]

00:49:33   knows where this idea got into her head [TS]

00:49:35   and who knows what she thinks is gonna [TS]

00:49:38   happen but the way she's thought it [TS]

00:49:40   through [TS]

00:49:41   if daddy's out of the picture then life [TS]

00:49:46   is improved somehow and I think it's [TS]

00:49:49   improved by the fact that no one will [TS]

00:49:51   ever say no again who but that's pretty [TS]

00:49:54   sophisticated you know she's like she is [TS]

00:49:58   she's got a vision board and that vision [TS]

00:50:00   board is covered with pictures of miley [TS]

00:50:02   cyrus and no pictures of one direction [TS]

00:50:05   if she has a Pinterest and it has one [TS]

00:50:07   photo of you and you're on a plane with [TS]

00:50:08   your comfort turkey he exactly right [TS]

00:50:11   with my arm around a comfort turkey an [TS]

00:50:13   Arby's sandwich in my mouth and I'm [TS]

00:50:15   going elsewhere [TS]

00:50:17   I like see you later don't let the [TS]

00:50:22   doorknob pitch in the air [TS]

00:50:23   yeah so I'm a little bit i have to say a [TS]

00:50:26   little disconcerted because up until [TS]

00:50:29   that point I felt like we had a we had a [TS]

00:50:32   good arrangement which was that every [TS]

00:50:36   time she did something bad [TS]

00:50:39   I said no but she's got it all figured [TS]

00:50:44   out [TS]

00:50:44   I think she's probably gonna start [TS]

00:50:46   planting the seed and in other people in [TS]

00:50:48   the family's minds [TS]

00:50:49   wouldn't it be kinda good if daddy moved [TS]

00:50:54   yeah i mean and really if it's as [TS]

00:50:56   permissive environment as you make it [TS]

00:50:58   sound for around other people [TS]

00:51:00   there's really this is one person here [TS]

00:51:02   we need to gather this soon he might be [TS]

00:51:04   happier New York with this turkey well [TS]

00:51:05   and i don't i'm not saying that it's [TS]

00:51:07   necessarily permissive as much as it is [TS]

00:51:10   that there are no consequences [TS]

00:51:13   oh its ramifications sure so there are a [TS]

00:51:16   lot of people saying like tisk tisk when [TS]

00:51:20   she for instance throws a pudding [TS]

00:51:23   oh boy there's tsk-tsking happening [TS]

00:51:27   there's even some you know there's even [TS]

00:51:29   some sitting on the hard chair but as [TS]

00:51:31   soon as as soon as you get this sitting [TS]

00:51:35   on the hard chair others I mean that the [TS]

00:51:37   chairs and even hard but I get hard [TS]

00:51:39   compared to other chairs and it's known [TS]

00:51:41   as the chair you're sitting with [TS]

00:51:42   something goes wrong [TS]

00:51:42   well it's known as the hard chair oh but [TS]

00:51:44   I call it the hard chair just to [TS]

00:51:46   reinforce even though there's a cushion [TS]

00:51:47   on it to reinforce that they're sitting [TS]

00:51:49   on this chair [TS]

00:51:50   this is hard times but you know if she's [TS]

00:51:54   on the hard chair and she goes I'm you [TS]

00:51:57   know my butt hurts or something you know [TS]

00:52:00   it's she can get off the hard chair with [TS]

00:52:02   no you know with with me it's like we're [TS]

00:52:05   sitting on a hard chair until well she's [TS]

00:52:07   like she's my go-to drunk the keys the [TS]

00:52:10   keys to the cellar right over here she [TS]

00:52:11   just grabbed his I'm done being here [TS]

00:52:13   yeah I mean she knows that she can't do [TS]

00:52:15   that within the first 55 minutes of [TS]

00:52:18   being on the hard chair but won't begin [TS]

00:52:20   two minutes 6 who she's already you know [TS]

00:52:23   that this is the thing she's working an [TS]

00:52:25   angle at all times [TS]

00:52:26   she's a negotiator and that's when a kid [TS]

00:52:29   is a kid is an angle working machine out [TS]

00:52:31   there she's just working angles [TS]

00:52:33   yeah and daddys like listen I'm not [TS]

00:52:35   negotiating how many jellybeans you're [TS]

00:52:38   going to get after dinner before we even [TS]

00:52:41   sit down to dinner all brother John you [TS]

00:52:44   know my goodness this has become a [TS]

00:52:45   problem for us is this is not a game i'm [TS]

00:52:48   gonna play we're not talking about [TS]

00:52:49   we're not talking about what's happening [TS]

00:52:51   after the thing that we're still [TS]

00:52:53   struggling to accomplish [TS]

00:52:56   she's got grit you know she's got she's [TS]

00:52:59   good somebody's gonna write in new york [TS]

00:53:01   times article about her someday she's [TS]

00:53:02   got what it takes [TS]

00:53:03   she's got moxie she got moxie on the [TS]

00:53:05   ball and she's gonna mock see her way [TS]

00:53:07   right into some kind of she's gonna mock [TS]

00:53:10   here we're invited to get moving daddy [TS]

00:53:12   out and I was like what about daddy's [TS]

00:53:16   house what if you never come back to [TS]

00:53:17   daddy's house she's like that's fine i'd [TS]

00:53:19   get me you know I'd probably get going [TS]

00:53:21   straight for the emotional appeal i get [TS]

00:53:23   Ruby I'd get she says I get Ruby I'd [TS]

00:53:26   probably get a you know like basically [TS]

00:53:29   honk and ribbon are already at nana's [TS]

00:53:31   foo so all the reason these plush [TS]

00:53:33   animals know their dolls [TS]

00:53:35   ok like basically Ruby and what dolly [TS]

00:53:43   maybe oh boo boo bear would go [TS]

00:53:47   uh-huh and then she wasn't mostly [TS]

00:53:49   residing your residence as that their [TS]

00:53:51   residence halls at your house [TS]

00:53:53   these are my these are my dolls I got a [TS]

00:53:55   plan i got a plan for you and she would [TS]

00:53:57   you know she would lock the door [TS]

00:53:59   you know if she knew how she would toss [TS]

00:54:01   the key in the bushes and she might like [TS]

00:54:04   she might take some oil filled [TS]

00:54:06   oil-soaked rags and stuff them in the [TS]

00:54:08   fireplace flue she get up there [TS]

00:54:11   ok here's what you do it could be one of [TS]

00:54:13   the dolls your house it could be one of [TS]

00:54:14   the auxiliary dollars in another house [TS]

00:54:16   one of those dolls you put in the barn [TS]

00:54:18   for a little while you know tell her and [TS]

00:54:20   she's been that she's looking for for [TS]

00:54:21   ribbon but or whatever you say oh you [TS]

00:54:23   oh I guess I should tell you a ribbon [TS]

00:54:26   ribbon now left for New York didn't [TS]

00:54:28   leave a note [TS]

00:54:28   roar and now she's gonna be all what you [TS]

00:54:31   going to use some of that hard chair [TS]

00:54:33   that's lost and feeling lost and you [TS]

00:54:34   want to leave now [TS]

00:54:35   right right you're going to work the [TS]

00:54:38   emotional angle i think you gotta really [TS]

00:54:39   gotta get that wedge in there [TS]

00:54:41   yeah I think she would still say yeah go [TS]

00:54:43   ahead sorry it hit the road jack m [TS]

00:54:46   because when you're gone since you've [TS]

00:54:49   been God donor I don't have to do any [TS]

00:54:53   bad things known that since you been [TS]

00:54:57   gone well Rose everyday cool yeah but [TS]

00:55:02   she's got a lot figured out she does [TS]

00:55:04   first of all I I I showed up late to a [TS]

00:55:06   restaurant and she was sitting there [TS]

00:55:08   with my mom already just [TS]

00:55:10   three of us and she had already managed [TS]

00:55:14   to order macaroni and cheese and get [TS]

00:55:16   this goldfish crackers restaurants don't [TS]

00:55:20   have goldfish crackers that's what i [TS]

00:55:21   thought what [TS]

00:55:23   but I'm like goldfish crackers Marlo [TS]

00:55:24   cost one sent one cent for a grocery bag [TS]

00:55:29   full of a goldfish crackers it's not a [TS]

00:55:31   thing we get into restaurant week and [TS]

00:55:33   broccoli side a railing and that you had [TS]

00:55:36   it you had an item on your bill for [TS]

00:55:38   goldfish crackers / yes they just [TS]

00:55:40   brought by biases for the table [TS]

00:55:42   no no it's like it yes the giant Bowl [TS]

00:55:45   truck chex mix [TS]

00:55:47   no it was uh it was like here's the kids [TS]

00:55:50   menu you can pick an entree and aside [TS]

00:55:53   and a drink and before I even arrived at [TS]

00:55:56   the table she's like macaroni cheese [TS]

00:55:57   goldfish crackers lemonade what and [TS]

00:56:00   everybody your your mother allow that my [TS]

00:56:04   mom's just sitting there just just like [TS]

00:56:06   popping up at all [TS]

00:56:07   there's nothing for your daughter to [TS]

00:56:08   dislike in that what's the point of [TS]

00:56:09   doing a thing unless there's something [TS]

00:56:10   for your kid to be opposed to thank you [TS]

00:56:13   precisely holy shit right there anything [TS]

00:56:15   else you want to go right on a fucking [TS]

00:56:17   slide [TS]

00:56:18   yeah how about a milkshake you want how [TS]

00:56:20   about there's a few things on here is [TS]

00:56:21   one thing you really enjoy there's one [TS]

00:56:23   thing you can tolerate there's one thing [TS]

00:56:24   you hate that's going out to dinner [TS]

00:56:25   vegas it's still you sit still with your [TS]

00:56:28   hands in your lap like a gentleman [TS]

00:56:29   yeah and if you if you brought a little [TS]

00:56:32   talent man of some kind of little little [TS]

00:56:35   tiny doll that's the size of a [TS]

00:56:37   ladyfinger yeah you may you may keep it [TS]

00:56:39   in your lap and quietly interact with it [TS]

00:56:41   while we talk about the different routes [TS]

00:56:45   we took across town to get their richest [TS]

00:56:48   you know that's what my mom and your mom [TS]

00:56:49   that's here that's your intercourse is [TS]

00:56:51   the social intercourse with your mom [TS]

00:56:52   yeah so what what route did you take [TS]

00:56:53   right you guys are being on the route [TS]

00:56:55   talk i want to end the thing is so [TS]

00:56:57   should our shows so should my daughter [TS]

00:56:59   she should be curious you should be let [TS]

00:57:00   park up sit up sit up in that hard chair [TS]

00:57:02   and listen listen to listen to the route [TS]

00:57:04   talk [TS]

00:57:05   the thing is if you don't learn how to [TS]

00:57:06   talk about routes what are you going to [TS]

00:57:07   talk about when you're growing up I've [TS]

00:57:08   raising have an iphone 7 iphone well [TS]

00:57:11   yeah you still got to talk to people [TS]

00:57:13   right i mean a little bit at least [TS]

00:57:15   oh it's important to learn small talks [TS]

00:57:17   over people learn small talk like they [TS]

00:57:19   used to [TS]

00:57:20   usually not even just small talk but [TS]

00:57:22   yeah it's small talk is the wrong works [TS]

00:57:24   it's not exactly small talk is the the [TS]

00:57:27   fucking cashier at safeway that I want [TS]

00:57:29   to strangle who always wants to talk to [TS]

00:57:30   me about my groceries and it makes me [TS]

00:57:31   makes me insane she comment yesterday [TS]

00:57:33   she commented on my shirt she had [TS]

00:57:34   questions about my shirt [TS]

00:57:36   well put up what did you want to know Oh [TS]

00:57:38   pizza dog [TS]

00:57:41   well what's that I said I said what I [TS]

00:57:44   always say [TS]

00:57:44   uh-huh just be very specific question no [TS]

00:57:46   party tonight and I go what what what is [TS]

00:57:49   pizza dog was just thinking a short [TS]

00:57:51   about comic i see but you're not wrong [TS]

00:57:54   to ask [TS]

00:57:55   she's wrong and she's got completely [TS]

00:57:58   untreated a.d.d which is the wrong kind [TS]

00:58:00   of the I don't like to diagnose people [TS]

00:58:01   John but this woman this woman is she's [TS]

00:58:03   a dumpster fire as a cashier and she's [TS]

00:58:05   the worst and she's all she asked about [TS]

00:58:07   i think they tell them at safeway they [TS]

00:58:09   tell them ask people about their items [TS]

00:58:12   and congratulate them on their [TS]

00:58:13   selections right oh this minute rice is [TS]

00:58:16   really good at cooking like a minute [TS]

00:58:18   thank you [TS]

00:58:19   Oh goldfish crackers it you know kids [TS]

00:58:21   love these oh my god thank you [TS]

00:58:23   that's amazing so but that's part of it [TS]

00:58:27   you know it's an ugliness but i do feel [TS]

00:58:29   like there has to be what's your word [TS]

00:58:31   friction there has to be a little bit of [TS]

00:58:33   resistance and you know I'm not great at [TS]

00:58:35   this I'm very indulgent person i'm a [TS]

00:58:37   very indulgent father but I also know [TS]

00:58:40   that even if things go perfectly there [TS]

00:58:42   will always still be a breaking point [TS]

00:58:43   out that one of those great times [TS]

00:58:45   because I would have a good time too [TS]

00:58:46   let's have now let's have a little more [TS]

00:58:47   cake yay one more Bob's Burgers hooray [TS]

00:58:49   but like it's all good ended tears [TS]

00:58:52   that's how it always ends and knowing [TS]

00:58:53   that you you're not going to forestall [TS]

00:58:56   any child unhappiness and you're not [TS]

00:58:58   going to create any child growth by [TS]

00:59:00   creating an entirely conducive [TS]

00:59:02   environment you have just said a [TS]

00:59:05   mouthful [TS]

00:59:06   yeah yeah lemonade really I time [TS]

00:59:10   somebody got into her mind that lemonade [TS]

00:59:12   was some sort of health drink my [TS]

00:59:13   daughters had lemonade maybe thrice my [TS]

00:59:16   daughter has still not had a coke or [TS]

00:59:18   similar beverage she wanted she I almost [TS]

00:59:21   got to try ice tea ones uh yes milk she [TS]

00:59:25   drinks water and then she drinks like a [TS]

00:59:27   fair amount of hot chocolate [TS]

00:59:29   I start well see ok I chocolate has [TS]

00:59:32   become kind of a staple in the house I'm [TS]

00:59:34   not sure it's been a good move i see how [TS]

00:59:36   it is in your family [TS]

00:59:37   I I do not [TS]

00:59:41   she's never had a coke right but she was [TS]

00:59:44   drinking milk everyday at her age [TS]

00:59:46   oh my god i had so many code you have a [TS]

00:59:47   Pepsi drinker uh you know I took the [TS]

00:59:50   Pepsi challenge once [TS]

00:59:51   yeah i was on a i was on a hovercraft [TS]

00:59:54   here you know your hovercraft somebody [TS]

00:59:57   after the Pepsi challenge i was on a [TS]

00:59:59   hovercraft we drink [TS]

00:59:59   hovercraft we drink [TS]

01:00:00   at the time I was drinking at the time [TS]

01:00:02   and I missed out on boats times before [TS]

01:00:05   right I have passed out on on on ferry [TS]

01:00:08   boats yes okay but this is a this was a [TS]

01:00:11   hovercraft i did not pass out on it [TS]

01:00:13   ok I and i'm walking around it's a big [TS]

01:00:16   hovercraft and someone says hey you want [TS]

01:00:20   a Pepsi challenge and I'm in a different [TS]

01:00:22   country right that should be evidenced [TS]

01:00:24   by the fact that I'd am on a hovercraft [TS]

01:00:26   yeah absolutely yeah we red flag also [TS]

01:00:29   you know every every all those all those [TS]

01:00:31   are distilled it made differently [TS]

01:00:32   regionally everywhere [TS]

01:00:34   oh sure the coke and pepsi have one [TS]

01:00:36   place is not the coconuts you have [TS]

01:00:37   somewhere else [TS]

01:00:38   sure so Mexico mm well and they have you [TS]

01:00:41   know they're made out of different water [TS]

01:00:42   rights ocean where it's made out of coke [TS]

01:00:44   water if you're Pepsi's made out of coke [TS]

01:00:46   water right it's gonna taste like it's [TS]

01:00:48   been filtered through a dead raccoon [TS]

01:00:49   that's right so you have your Elkins [TS]

01:00:50   dasani is owned by coke is not right [TS]

01:00:52   that bacardi what am I thinking of the [TS]

01:00:54   aspic rd party its bacardi water [TS]

01:00:57   everybody's on Belgium now so that's [TS]

01:00:59   right belgium owns America because [TS]

01:01:01   Ramona's america i just learned that on [TS]

01:01:02   now John Oliver so I'm going through [TS]

01:01:05   this I'm going through this hovercraft [TS]

01:01:07   like a girl says would you like to take [TS]

01:01:10   the Pepsi challenge and I'm like listen [TS]

01:01:14   to its i'm a i'm a USA American born and [TS]

01:01:21   bred [TS]

01:01:21   yeah i can tell a Pepsi or coke and she [TS]

01:01:25   and her like a friend like I was that [TS]

01:01:30   right you can tell a pepsi from a coat [TS]

01:01:33   what's all this then well why don't you [TS]

01:01:36   step up and do the Pepsi challenge then [TS]

01:01:39   USA American and I'm like hey you will [TS]

01:01:43   govern about a full of these tickets [TS]

01:01:45   haha and and so you know I'm sitting [TS]

01:01:51   there I'm feeling pretty confident and I [TS]

01:01:55   take I take a little bit of the of the [TS]

01:01:57   pepsi and without even taking a drink of [TS]

01:02:03   the coke [TS]

01:02:04   I'm like boom that's Pepsi [TS]

01:02:08   I can tell I can tell from the smell I [TS]

01:02:10   can tell dive diet coke from coke just [TS]

01:02:12   from the smell of the answer vessel [TS]

01:02:13   absolutely you can smell the [TS]

01:02:15   effervescence so so the girl goes she's [TS]

01:02:18   a little impressed right she's like [TS]

01:02:20   we're taking a little drink of the [TS]

01:02:21   energy is cheat her accent is basically [TS]

01:02:24   Bob Odenkirk doing a British accent [TS]

01:02:27   she's had a chimney-sweep backs and take [TS]

01:02:30   and take a drink of the of the other one [TS]

01:02:32   and see if you to judge music and watch [TS]

01:02:36   the back and and and so I smell the [TS]

01:02:46   effervescence and Mike it's coke it's [TS]

01:02:48   coke puts and I was right I was like you [TS]

01:02:54   know I basically took my nickel-plated [TS]

01:02:57   pistol out dropped it on the floor [TS]

01:02:59   because I didn't have a microphone [TS]

01:03:01   yeah and said u.s.a America don't miss [TS]

01:03:05   Wang chicken burger bang-bang-bang [TS]

01:03:07   cheeseburger know whats around with me [TS]

01:03:09   and you know and I you know I stepped up [TS]

01:03:12   that hovercraft on the other end [TS]

01:03:14   yeah and I felt pretty confident till I [TS]

01:03:16   ordered speak spaghetti in a restaurant [TS]

01:03:18   and they cracked a ride on know why I'm [TS]

01:03:20   right back to square one here I just [TS]

01:03:22   don't understand places Mike Mike [TS]

01:03:24   confidence just what i'm running windows [TS]

01:03:26   goodness of all the things you could [TS]

01:03:27   choose to do on a given day [TS]

01:03:29   this is this is something I wasn't [TS]

01:03:30   prepared for the time is it with it was [TS]

01:03:32   a Caesar salad to get confused no no [TS]

01:03:34   they're just don't crack arriving on [TS]

01:03:36   anything in Catholic in Calais it's a [TS]

01:03:38   ryuk a raw egg hot food also i started [TS]

01:03:42   to practice this technique after i got [TS]

01:03:45   accustomed to it take any kind of hot [TS]

01:03:49   food ya name hot food let's see how [TS]

01:03:53   about lasagna crack a raw egg to crack a [TS]

01:03:57   wry grin lasagna here comes the lasagna [TS]

01:03:59   at steaming-hot lay it down and then as [TS]

01:04:03   the flourish you put it down in front of [TS]

01:04:07   somebody there like paper they pull up a [TS]

01:04:09   chair they took their napkin into the [TS]

01:04:11   front of your shirt there like makeup [TS]

01:04:13   that the fork in one hand a knife in the [TS]

01:04:14   other hand like one of those one of [TS]

01:04:17   those drawings of God drawing hungry [TS]

01:04:19   child adore drawing about [TS]

01:04:21   guy that used to hang in the lobby of a [TS]

01:04:24   fancy restaurant [TS]

01:04:25   oh sure like at a BBQ sign exactly and [TS]

01:04:29   you're sitting there like ready for this [TS]

01:04:30   lasagna and then as the flourish you as [TS]

01:04:32   the server book would want one-handed [TS]

01:04:35   crasher [TS]

01:04:36   well that's the beauty of that kind of [TS]

01:04:37   expectation is that as you do it you at [TS]

01:04:40   once perplex everybody about what the [TS]

01:04:42   fuck you're doing but you do it with [TS]

01:04:43   such ease and elegance that becomes [TS]

01:04:46   clear that this is just the thing you do [TS]

01:04:48   all the time just like this is not a [TS]

01:04:50   weird thing here by check me out and put [TS]

01:04:51   an egg on here now I i just ordered a [TS]

01:04:53   pepperoni pizzas for the table it [TS]

01:04:55   arrived at him before anything else [TS]

01:04:56   happened [TS]

01:04:57   boom crack a raw egg right on it do you [TS]

01:05:00   mind if I get and they'll do that too [TS]

01:05:02   they'll do that in Italy you get one of [TS]

01:05:04   those little thin crust the Neapolitan [TS]

01:05:06   pizzas and then it shows up at the table [TS]

01:05:09   and you're like oh look at that way is [TS]

01:05:11   that like the French coast [TS]

01:05:12   yeah that's the French coast ok but all [TS]

01:05:14   across Europe there i mean they don't do [TS]

01:05:16   it in Germany in Germany they throw a [TS]

01:05:17   hard-boiled egg on it [TS]

01:05:18   oh yeah because it's much more efficient [TS]

01:05:20   to boil the eggs separately but in these [TS]

01:05:23   uh in the in the Latin countries the [TS]

01:05:25   Mediterranean countries they're going to [TS]

01:05:26   put a ride on it if you get got an [TS]

01:05:28   arby's chicken sandwich they take the [TS]

01:05:29   bunt off boom crown z alcohol zi hua [TS]

01:05:34   cheese under no man [TS]

01:05:40   that's gotta be how many times has your [TS]

01:05:42   daughter confronted John how you should [TS]

01:05:44   move just just the one time [TS]

01:05:45   no this just began ok but once she got [TS]

01:05:48   it going you know she's five years old [TS]

01:05:51   and I don't whatever humor is on the [TS]

01:05:55   spectrum like she understand if I say [TS]

01:05:59   that we're gonna move and live in a [TS]

01:06:02   garbage can that I'm joking and that is [TS]

01:06:05   somewhat funny right but I don't think [TS]

01:06:09   she's joking when she says daddy wanted [TS]

01:06:13   to move to New York I think she's [TS]

01:06:14   thought it through and and and it seems [TS]

01:06:18   it not only seems reasonable to her but [TS]

01:06:21   it also seems reasonable to her that she [TS]

01:06:22   might suggest that and i would go oh [TS]

01:06:25   right because it's been on your mind [TS]

01:06:27   because it absolutely hasn't been on [TS]

01:06:29   your mind [TS]

01:06:30   well alright so in other words she is [TS]

01:06:32   she just saying you look like you've [TS]

01:06:34   probably been thinking about moving to [TS]

01:06:35   New York that's okay [TS]

01:06:36   or more like oh no I'm living the [TS]

01:06:38   charade and ruin my daughter's like [TS]

01:06:39   maybe she moved to New York yeah right [TS]

01:06:41   like it's like it's us it's not a [TS]

01:06:44   situation where she wants to collect the [TS]

01:06:46   insurance no not yet but but it is a [TS]

01:06:48   situation where she's trying to get the [TS]

01:06:51   she's getting the stickler out of them [TS]

01:06:54   out of the equation [TS]

01:06:56   well okay but there's nothing funny [TS]

01:06:59   about right like if she were eight years [TS]

01:07:00   old [TS]

01:07:01   well no cuz really of absurdity and [TS]

01:07:03   cruelty are all that delights a child [TS]

01:07:05   and surprise surprise surprise expect no [TS]

01:07:09   surprise and in and cruelty and [TS]

01:07:12   absurdity and you know absurdity is a [TS]

01:07:14   kind of surprised [TS]

01:07:15   yeah he's like a child for a very long [TS]

01:07:17   time if you can if you can rip absurdly [TS]

01:07:19   and can I rip rip absurdly oh it's a [TS]

01:07:23   large do it for 20 minutes she's got [TS]

01:07:24   she's begging for more absurdity [TS]

01:07:26   well you know what we've got 200 [TS]

01:07:27   episodes of us ripping ops absurdity [TS]

01:07:29   kind of my strong suit a lot of ways [TS]

01:07:31   well here let me ask you this if we're [TS]

01:07:32   going to talk about the real topic let [TS]

01:07:33   me ask you this [TS]

01:07:34   see here's the thing that we noticed [TS]

01:07:35   from very very early on as the two [TS]

01:07:38   parents of a child and I imagine this [TS]

01:07:42   has happened in most you know yet I [TS]

01:07:45   don't say to parents shot now households [TS]

01:07:48   but any anywhere where there's more than [TS]

01:07:49   one person who deals with the child is [TS]

01:07:51   they run hot and cold with different [TS]

01:07:53   people in their life [TS]

01:07:54   I can tell you that within a given week [TS]

01:07:55   there's three different pariahs a week [TS]

01:07:57   at my kids school uh huh you know and [TS]

01:08:00   died from and sometimes it's her but [TS]

01:08:01   there's so much to do know this this kid [TS]

01:08:04   like all man we also do a takedown like [TS]

01:08:06   this kid really flipped out and you look [TS]

01:08:07   around the room and you can see the [TS]

01:08:09   pariah [TS]

01:08:09   you're the you're the pariah or the [TS]

01:08:11   product but ok so cards on the table i [TS]

01:08:14   think at least with our kid i'll say for [TS]

01:08:16   myself that she mostly runs you know [TS]

01:08:19   fairly warm with both of us but there [TS]

01:08:22   will be a period where make even over [TS]

01:08:24   the starting like in the afternoon will [TS]

01:08:26   be a flip and for the next two days to [TS]

01:08:29   two weeks she's worried more about this [TS]

01:08:32   person that person but it does change it [TS]

01:08:35   isn't though it isn't as though like I'm [TS]

01:08:36   always the goat and she periodically la [TS]

01:08:39   mama lot more but not me [TS]

01:08:40   sometimes she's just really not into mom [TS]

01:08:42   and I can do no wrong [TS]

01:08:44   there's no telling when it happens why [TS]

01:08:46   it happens but she'll just suddenly be [TS]

01:08:47   way more into one of us I get that [TS]

01:08:49   oh yeah I think that's what's going on I [TS]

01:08:52   think we got a situation where she's [TS]

01:08:53   trying to establish them she likes mom [TS]

01:08:57   and she's trying to establish that she's [TS]

01:09:00   successfully establishing that by going [TS]

01:09:02   all the goodbyes going the whole hog [TS]

01:09:04   yeah I'm saying not not only do i prefer [TS]

01:09:06   mom I prefer enough that you can go you [TS]

01:09:11   can get out your I take it you're just [TS]

01:09:14   taking up your taking up space in Mom's [TS]

01:09:16   uh imagination [TS]

01:09:18   yeah it's almost like I was a little kid [TS]

01:09:20   you know I remember this very clearly [TS]

01:09:23   with my grandmother i would say could [TS]

01:09:24   you please pass the salt should always [TS]

01:09:25   pass me the salt and pepper is a grandma [TS]

01:09:27   I've never in speed and pepper in my [TS]

01:09:28   life and you just don't matter all [TS]

01:09:30   please please get the a because the [TS]

01:09:34   thing is when I actually still do this [TS]

01:09:36   today somebody else for the salt and the [TS]

01:09:37   salt and pepper that's not that's the [TS]

01:09:38   polite thing to do [TS]

01:09:40   apparently the thing is though it day I [TS]

01:09:42   always wanted assault I never wanted the [TS]

01:09:44   pepper [TS]

01:09:44   I don't think that's the situation here [TS]

01:09:46   I think you're both a different kind of [TS]

01:09:47   salt [TS]

01:09:48   it's just that I does there always have [TS]

01:09:50   to be one who's up in one who's down [TS]

01:09:52   yeah it may be an afternoon with your [TS]

01:09:55   kid likes both of you [TS]

01:09:56   well well I you know what I'm gonna work [TS]

01:09:59   this out with her and you gotta mess [TS]

01:10:01   with this kid you give that you've got [TS]

01:10:03   to show her some things you've got to [TS]

01:10:05   give her a little [TS]

01:10:06   you know you just do a full-on christmas [TS]

01:10:07   carol Honor I feel like what I'm gonna [TS]

01:10:10   do is I'm gonna get down in her crate [TS]

01:10:12   yeah and I'm gonna say is my crate this [TS]

01:10:14   is michael haha Gibson learned you live [TS]

01:10:19   here because I let you serve my pleasure [TS]

01:10:22   madam [TS]

01:10:22   that's right that's right ok I [TS]

01:10:25   circumcision came up on a show the other [TS]

01:10:29   day I want to see on Gilmore Girls real [TS]

01:10:32   deep on Gilmore Girls right now and [TS]

01:10:33   circumcision came up and i had to kind [TS]

01:10:36   of explain what circumcision was now [TS]

01:10:37   here's the thing for me I'm your girl [TS]

01:10:38   still a contemporary television show [TS]

01:10:41   um it's about 10 or 12 years old came on [TS]

01:10:45   yeah it's a very good show is it being [TS]

01:10:47   filmed [TS]

01:10:48   still there's a new netflix netflix i [TS]

01:10:51   think is doing another season of gilmore [TS]

01:10:53   girls with most of the original cast [TS]

01:10:55   oh yeah that's right sir sweet yup um I [TS]

01:10:58   like it a lot and but anyway a was my [TS]

01:11:01   point is not to interrupt you again but [TS]

01:11:03   i feel like you know the long winters [TS]

01:11:05   had a song on Gilmore Girls they had a [TS]

01:11:08   lot of excellent and I will find out [TS]

01:11:11   right now I have a place they can go and [TS]

01:11:13   find this out there wasn't any prints [TS]

01:11:16   brothers on the last one currently [TS]

01:11:18   Buffalo appears as a character on the [TS]

01:11:19   show [TS]

01:11:21   oh that cab for cutie on the OC I [TS]

01:11:24   remember that yeah yeah a real comfort [TS]

01:11:29   career-maker you were like the cheap [TS]

01:11:31   trick of livejournal you guys were [TS]

01:11:33   everybody second favorite band uh [TS]

01:11:35   everybody a different first favorite [TS]

01:11:37   bands that you everybody second door or [TS]

01:11:39   so favorite babysitter second or so you [TS]

01:11:41   know I don't see it here but that sounds [TS]

01:11:43   right that seems like see you in a car [TS]

01:11:46   commercial right you're in a beer [TS]

01:11:47   commercial [TS]

01:11:48   II well we did that we did that [TS]

01:11:51   wonderful beer commercial where they [TS]

01:11:52   said where they said this was you know [TS]

01:11:55   this was post post indie-rock consensus [TS]

01:11:59   that it was okay to take filthy lucre [TS]

01:12:01   but not all the way to like beer right [TS]

01:12:06   because you know it's like taking it's [TS]

01:12:08   like taking money from like [TS]

01:12:11   right-to-lifers or something in a beer [TS]

01:12:14   you don't want to take money from beer [TS]

01:12:16   and so I got on manners records like can [TS]

01:12:20   be exactly and so gas can be we you you [TS]

01:12:30   you are bad you see inside of salt [TS]

01:12:32   you should feel bad since all is that [TS]

01:12:35   the Breaking Bad spinoff [TS]

01:12:37   now come back to that one up for me what [TS]

01:12:40   were you you're in a car commercial [TS]

01:12:42   reactor set but some of your honor you [TS]

01:12:44   yeah the beer commercial is the best [TS]

01:12:45   really good morning fire island was that [TS]

01:12:47   in a commercial [TS]

01:12:48   yeah that was done that was in the the [TS]

01:12:50   Fiat Fiat thanks again Tony but beware [TS]

01:12:55   I you know I my first car was a Fiat i [TS]

01:12:57   know but the beer commercial like they [TS]

01:13:01   went the whole hog they paid me all the [TS]

01:13:02   money and then they decided to go a [TS]

01:13:03   different direction and did some other [TS]

01:13:05   kind of parent [TS]

01:13:06   why can't you get more of those did I [TS]

01:13:08   tell you that a beer company reached out [TS]

01:13:10   to me to write a song for them that and [TS]

01:13:15   i went ahead and did it I without [TS]

01:13:20   spending too much effort on it but i [TS]

01:13:23   liked the result it was weird [TS]

01:13:26   oh it was no it wasn't for a beer [TS]

01:13:28   commercials crown royal what loud royal [TS]

01:13:31   contacted me and said will you write a [TS]

01:13:33   song for crown royal our our advertising [TS]

01:13:37   idea is crown royal is the like [TS]

01:13:43   high-class drink for lower-middle-class [TS]

01:13:47   dudes because you know it comes in a bag [TS]

01:13:51   like moose head you did you remember to [TS]

01:13:54   remember because in a little drawstring [TS]

01:13:55   bag [TS]

01:13:56   yeah i remember one crown royal was like [TS]

01:13:58   the fancy one absolutely if you showed [TS]

01:14:01   up at a added after party at junior [TS]

01:14:03   promise you that it's a blended Scotch [TS]

01:14:04   is that what that is [TS]

01:14:05   I guess I mean I mean you remember one [TS]

01:14:09   Bushmills was the good stuff right [TS]

01:14:11   uh-huh now those things I don't know [TS]

01:14:13   Bushmills still considered the good [TS]

01:14:14   stuff but the crown royal that's [TS]

01:14:16   Canadian whiskey to blended Canadian [TS]

01:14:18   whiskey crown royal mhm so they reach [TS]

01:14:20   out and they're like his strikes right [TS]

01:14:22   there [TS]

01:14:22   we want to make this where advertising [TS]

01:14:24   crown royal to like working guy [TS]

01:14:27   but it's the fancy shit for working guys [TS]

01:14:31   and so our theme our motto is for every [TS]

01:14:36   King a crowd [TS]

01:14:39   mm right there like we want a song that [TS]

01:14:44   says for every King backgrounds [TS]

01:14:48   that's like a mom like her level and it [TS]

01:14:51   yeah it's like they're for every kick [TS]

01:14:52   the crown and then a bull comes to [TS]

01:14:55   forget about it until tomorrow for our [TS]

01:14:57   freaking a crown and a bunch of guys [TS]

01:14:59   with like wiping their hands on greasy [TS]

01:15:01   rags and then somebody throw some shot [TS]

01:15:03   glasses out there like ready i'm taking [TS]

01:15:05   the whiskey out of the bag and then and [TS]

01:15:08   then the velvet bag we're gonna use it [TS]

01:15:09   for something else we're going to keep [TS]

01:15:10   our attention days it's gonna be where [TS]

01:15:15   we keep our our prototype are you know [TS]

01:15:18   our are scraped scraper tools in so so i [TS]

01:15:23   write this to go down in my basement and [TS]

01:15:26   I'm like forever King the crown and i'm [TS]

01:15:31   getting all like rawr and I do this tune [TS]

01:15:35   that I think is pretty i mean it's it's [TS]

01:15:38   really on the nose but I'm pretty proud [TS]

01:15:41   of it I'm like yeah i wrote that song [TS]

01:15:43   for crown royal let's hope they back up [TS]

01:15:47   the money truck and so I send it off to [TS]

01:15:50   him I don't what is it [TS]

01:15:55   I don't wear something in my something [TS]

01:15:58   but i got a blue my truck I don't [TS]

01:16:02   remember what I said something great [TS]

01:16:04   ok and and then a and then I end with [TS]

01:16:09   the forever King ground ball never hear [TS]

01:16:14   back from it not my head its remaining a [TS]

01:16:17   little bit of the Lowenbrau remember [TS]

01:16:20   that yeah is the good friends tonight is [TS]

01:16:23   kindness better the beer / poor must say [TS]

01:16:28   something more somehow [TS]

01:16:31   remember the second verse i always go I [TS]

01:16:33   to that is kind of special soon i let it [TS]

01:16:37   be Lowenbrau ever gained ground tonight [TS]

01:16:45   tonight is kind of special so never hear [TS]

01:16:49   back from my don't even get a thanks I [TS]

01:16:52   don't even get like wow that's amazing [TS]

01:16:54   but just kind of not where we're headed [TS]

01:16:56   right now like any one of those things [TS]

01:17:00   when it made me feel pretty good about [TS]

01:17:02   myself [TS]

01:17:03   no that's weird and just like that you [TS]

01:17:07   know thanks for your not even thanks for [TS]

01:17:09   your little wasn't on spec or did they [TS]

01:17:11   give you like a down payment for it [TS]

01:17:12   no it was slightly back it was like [TS]

01:17:15   throw us a tune about every king and [TS]

01:17:18   crown and if we decide to give you feel [TS]

01:17:22   all weak sauce with the sauce crown [TS]

01:17:25   royal if we don't decide then you're [TS]

01:17:27   just and that they hear the crazy thing [TS]

01:17:28   is I don't even know if they went even [TS]

01:17:31   if they went anywhere with this king [TS]

01:17:32   crown from a thing i have you been [TS]

01:17:36   I never saw any criminal and look and [TS]

01:17:38   i'm looking probably not watching the [TS]

01:17:39   micro dirty job show [TS]

01:17:43   oh yeah looks like they did it they did [TS]

01:17:45   everything around 2009 [TS]

01:17:47   yep well maybe you should listen to that [TS]

01:17:49   song and see which one they picked [TS]

01:17:50   probably not as good as mine probably [TS]

01:17:52   got kappa no that's that that's not the [TS]

01:17:56   ding-ding ding-ding-ding ding-ding-ding [TS]

01:17:58   i create crown [TS]

01:18:02   no that's not the direction I day began [TS]

01:18:06   I'm feeling down people think and King [TS]

01:18:10   the other thing is that the ground the [TS]

01:18:12   whole premise that a working guy is a [TS]

01:18:16   king in his own house is not an ssl [TS]

01:18:19   respect you know what i mean but that is [TS]

01:18:23   not where they're coming from it all and [TS]

01:18:24   someone else is wearing my crown now [TS]

01:18:26   yeah dead cat would be like I looked [TS]

01:18:29   inside the cupboard someone else's crown [TS]

01:18:32   was there but they're they're not leave [TS]

01:18:37   this coca-cola ads me time was every [TS]

01:18:40   time we go the movies there be Ben [TS]

01:18:41   Gibbard sinkhole that [TS]

01:18:43   oh yeah yeah that was [TS]

01:18:44   besides that's my daughter so you [TS]

01:18:45   remember you met that man he came to her [TS]

01:18:46   house that day and she looked at me like [TS]

01:18:47   i was nuts [TS]

01:18:48   you are nuts but here's a question he [TS]

01:18:51   was a real talking to that day [TS]

01:18:52   no he had seems that other things on his [TS]

01:18:54   mind yeah he's a good-looking guy though [TS]

01:18:56   very stall was just telling you you know [TS]

01:18:58   when you see it when you see a rock [TS]

01:19:00   musician who's like tall yeah it's [TS]

01:19:02   always kind of shocking because of many [TS]

01:19:04   rocks positions are small that Saul [TS]

01:19:06   often smaller than that no it was the [TS]

01:19:08   other person they're trying to remember [TS]

01:19:09   what the other person there the guy [TS]

01:19:10   who's in house house house I insulted [TS]

01:19:11   his life I insulted you see the other [TS]

01:19:13   guy there are no Chad Chad was chad from [TS]

01:19:17   the showbox yeah you never insulted [TS]

01:19:18   Chad's house itself to the other guy's [TS]

01:19:20   house [TS]

01:19:20   yeah but let me ask you a question you [TS]

01:19:24   know that when you go to the movies now [TS]

01:19:25   and they show the little red balls and [TS]

01:19:28   there's the red ball that's sticking the [TS]

01:19:30   straw in the giant coke [TS]

01:19:32   yeah then try to make the red balls like [TS]

01:19:34   represent this is a slasher movie he's [TS]

01:19:36   wearing jason mask you get romantic [TS]

01:19:37   balls right romantic balls you got all [TS]

01:19:39   the balls that represent all the [TS]

01:19:41   different kinds of balls [TS]

01:19:43   yeah and there's only one girl ball all [TS]

01:19:47   the other balls are either clearly boy [TS]

01:19:50   balls or they are somewhat generalist [TS]

01:19:53   balls but basically like basically they [TS]

01:19:56   represent a boy balls [TS]

01:19:58   yeah as in the inner in a situation [TS]

01:20:00   where you are your time about like like [TS]

01:20:04   sort of human balls [TS]

01:20:06   yeah humanized balls you're going to say [TS]

01:20:09   that a ball that isn't reppin as a girl [TS]

01:20:12   ball is going to be like a generalist [TS]

01:20:15   ball is by definition or by default a [TS]

01:20:18   boy hundred percent yeah and so there's [TS]

01:20:20   all these boy balls and then the one [TS]

01:20:22   girl ball that's kind of right in the [TS]

01:20:24   center like a Smurfette like it's [TS]

01:20:26   basically smurfette smurfette of [TS]

01:20:28   movement although balls him but i have [TS]

01:20:31   to confess and I wonder if you've had [TS]

01:20:33   this experience or if any of our [TS]

01:20:34   listeners hand and i find that girl ball [TS]

01:20:37   very attractive i almost always find the [TS]

01:20:39   single girl anything very attractive [TS]

01:20:41   yeah right Smurfette's pretty hot but [TS]

01:20:43   this this girl ball just seems you know [TS]

01:20:46   she's got a little got it just got like [TS]

01:20:47   a little bit high-maintenance hair and [TS]

01:20:50   you know she's got she just seems like [TS]

01:20:52   fun but play football [TS]

01:20:55   yeah she just seems like a ball you [TS]

01:20:56   could hang out with doesn't take [TS]

01:20:58   self too seriously as a ball yeah but [TS]

01:21:00   cute right [TS]

01:21:02   cute as hell yeah so I like she's sort [TS]

01:21:06   of become the tinkerbell for me [TS]

01:21:08   oh yeah of like when I go to the movies [TS]

01:21:12   I'm kind of waiting to see here and just [TS]

01:21:14   find some good pictures here there's not [TS]

01:21:16   a lot there [TS]

01:21:18   AMC has very very confusing their stuff [TS]

01:21:22   is getting more and more confusing as a [TS]

01:21:24   public pre-roll thing there hold the [TS]

01:21:27   like the 40 previews mean when they try [TS]

01:21:30   to be cute [TS]

01:21:31   so they give you safety information but [TS]

01:21:32   in a cute way and it's it's super [TS]

01:21:34   annoying [TS]

01:21:35   it's not quite at the level of the [TS]

01:21:36   Virgin safety WI her she is like the [TS]

01:21:42   back of her head here she's got kind of [TS]

01:21:44   red hair she's got like maybe big [TS]

01:21:45   earrings [TS]

01:21:45   yup yup yeah that's her there's only [TS]

01:21:48   like I'm wondering if you can rule 34 [TS]

01:21:50   her [TS]

01:21:51   mhm right there's probably some fan [TS]

01:21:52   think about that ball there's gotta be [TS]

01:21:54   some rule 34 about her and I would like [TS]

01:21:57   to see it now that i think about it we [TS]

01:22:00   should reach out to our audience if you [TS]

01:22:01   may out there is making some somewhere [TS]

01:22:03   porn about the red ball a specific red [TS]

01:22:06   ball [TS]

01:22:06   yeah but you gotta capture her essence [TS]

01:22:08   right you can't just make you can't you [TS]

01:22:10   can't screw it up right because she's [TS]

01:22:12   pocket she's go along get along she's [TS]

01:22:13   got her own mind about things but she's [TS]

01:22:15   ball-shaped and she doesn't have any [TS]

01:22:17   eyes [TS]

01:22:17   that's right look so how you capture how [TS]

01:22:21   do you capture her sexiness with no body [TS]

01:22:24   and no eyes she's up she's such a visual [TS]

01:22:27   of the ball and maybe no nose you know [TS]

01:22:30   what I think i'm responding to its the [TS]

01:22:31   hoop earrings [TS]

01:22:32   yeah if you put a hoop earring on [TS]

01:22:35   somebody i immediately think that i'm [TS]

01:22:38   watching west side story [TS]

01:22:40   h/o you thinking of the rain oh she's in [TS]

01:22:45   the current address now feels fantastic [TS]

01:22:48   she's amazing she's in a 3 latinas are [TS]

01:22:50   singing in this commercial and she looks [TS]

01:22:51   terrific [TS]

01:22:52   I love her she's amazing she's truly [TS]

01:22:55   great i heard her on an episode of Teen [TS]

01:22:56   USA not too long ago she still she still [TS]

01:22:59   but she's a pistol do you listen to [TS]

01:23:01   Latino us [TS]

01:23:02   ah I don't want to say you know we're [TS]

01:23:07   going to build it so it's a low point in [TS]

01:23:09   my Sunday when it went [TS]

01:23:11   you know because there's such a great [TS]

01:23:12   role on the weekends on kqt but yeah [TS]

01:23:15   it's still it's ok but like it's you [TS]

01:23:17   know it's the show of news and keturah [TS]

01:23:20   yeah what'd you say news in Spanish to [TS]

01:23:23   you know well [TS]

01:23:25   neuza what is news in Spanish el news [TS]

01:23:28   I've magical Torah is a term of art I [TS]

01:23:30   bet it means a thing so it's fine but [TS]

01:23:32   many eNOS um actually yeah no I listened [TS]

01:23:35   to that I listened to that so yeah if [TS]

01:23:40   anybody out there has any uh any ball [TS]

01:23:42   fiction [TS]

01:23:43   you know I because the thing about I [TS]

01:23:46   don't want to get too [TS]

01:23:47   I know you don't like to get too graphic [TS]

01:23:49   or talk about sex i don't care but what [TS]

01:23:51   I'm really the circumcision my daughter [TS]

01:23:53   I can go anywhere at this point what's [TS]

01:23:55   the number one sex thing you do with a [TS]

01:23:57   ball [TS]

01:23:58   uh you got you got ball gags you guys [TS]

01:24:02   out when you got balloon people some [TS]

01:24:04   people here that balloon people what are [TS]

01:24:06   they do balloon people are the world are [TS]

01:24:09   you curious [TS]

01:24:10   oh yeah some people like it when ladies [TS]

01:24:13   pop balloons [TS]

01:24:14   some people like people inside of [TS]

01:24:17   balloons and some people are just very [TS]

01:24:19   into balloons being rubbed on their body [TS]

01:24:21   like good John Travolta sighs balloon no [TS]

01:24:24   no not a but not bubble more verizon I [TS]

01:24:27   was thinking that you were gonna say [TS]

01:24:28   they put an unplayed balloon inside [TS]

01:24:31   their rectum and then inflated balloon [TS]

01:24:34   but balloon a but balloon think about [TS]

01:24:36   that if you don't want to put something [TS]

01:24:38   that's already big something that's the [TS]

01:24:42   size of a rounded off ball even if you [TS]

01:24:44   get something that is what's the word [TS]

01:24:46   I'm looking for [TS]

01:24:47   not graded was there a taper even [TS]

01:24:50   something taper could still be [TS]

01:24:51   challenging but balloon can be of that [TS]

01:24:53   stuff that's a friendly way to enter the [TS]

01:24:55   mansion so take us right so take a [TS]

01:24:57   balloon [TS]

01:24:58   okay put it around a pencil yes right [TS]

01:25:01   because you're gonna need something [TS]

01:25:02   yeah then stick the balloon up there [TS]

01:25:05   with the pencil kind of like a like a [TS]

01:25:07   ramrod in a cannon em right you put the [TS]

01:25:10   balloon all the way in there and then [TS]

01:25:12   you get some kind of apparatus may be [TS]

01:25:15   your friend or a friend maybe what you [TS]

01:25:16   need a friend because I blow it up for [TS]

01:25:18   you imagine you've got one of those [TS]

01:25:20   frosting bags right a white bag that you [TS]

01:25:23   know frosting bag [TS]

01:25:25   the frosting on a wedding cake filled [TS]

01:25:27   with hot put in I don't need to believe [TS]

01:25:28   you got the frosting bag [TS]

01:25:30   well I know whoa wait a minute yeah [TS]

01:25:32   exactly right [TS]

01:25:34   whoa you're the cupcake now well think [TS]

01:25:36   about think about your lemmiwinks the [TS]

01:25:38   call cupcaking and all of a sudden tidal [TS]

01:25:40   wave of these things because of the [TS]

01:25:43   photo that i sent you [TS]

01:25:44   oh no I'm saying this because I'm [TS]

01:25:46   thinking about that little girl ball the [TS]

01:25:48   and what possible you should be shiny [TS]

01:25:52   men are attracted to shiny things [TS]

01:25:55   well after work oh you kidding me are we [TS]

01:25:57   like we like crying grows we like to [TS]

01:26:00   think we like symmetry we like shininess [TS]

01:26:02   and we like read this feels very gender [TS]

01:26:05   normative city [TS]

01:26:06   yeah well i know i think it's just good [TS]

01:26:08   that's just that's just that's just an [TS]

01:26:10   observation [TS]

01:26:10   so now this this thing that you sent me [TS]

01:26:12   now you seeing that thing that i sent [TS]

01:26:14   you know it's some kind of link that [TS]

01:26:15   requires that I log into skype and i'm [TS]

01:26:18   using skype right now I know this is [TS]

01:26:21   like me watching HBO now and I have to [TS]

01:26:23   watch ads for HBO on the HBO that i'm [TS]

01:26:26   paying for before i could see the show [TS]

01:26:28   on HBO Go google for a bunch o balloons [TS]

01:26:34   google for bunch o balloons [TS]

01:26:38   yeah what of for this is something that [TS]

01:26:41   you mean forf oh you are [TS]

01:26:44   hmm go to Google yeah and type bunch of [TS]

01:26:48   balloons bunch this is something we got [TS]

01:26:52   in our house this weekend and I have a [TS]

01:26:54   feeling this is something you might want [TS]

01:26:55   to go by like today [TS]

01:26:57   alright okay okay see what it looks like [TS]

01:27:00   no oh shit i put i put bunch of balloons [TS]

01:27:03   into some sort of search window in skype [TS]

01:27:07   and it just came up it just told me to [TS]

01:27:10   login right [TS]

01:27:13   skype go to the internet on your [TS]

01:27:15   computer [TS]

01:27:16   very good i remember the first time I [TS]

01:27:21   met someone who use yahoo as their [TS]

01:27:23   browser bar so Pancho balloons you see [TS]

01:27:28   in its search you see it now i see [TS]

01:27:29   official bunch of balloons as seen on TV [TS]

01:27:33   it's good images of it Jesus Christ John [TS]

01:27:35   how do you get anything accomplished the [TS]

01:27:37   images here we go [TS]

01:27:38   oh yeah whoa so here's what you do [TS]

01:27:41   they're like fat corpuscles but made a [TS]

01:27:43   balloon that's exactly right here's what [TS]

01:27:44   you do you see how it got so basically [TS]

01:27:46   what you're looking at here it looks you [TS]

01:27:47   know roughly not an octopus but looks [TS]

01:27:49   like a multi-tenant beast what do you [TS]

01:27:51   usually 30 i think it's something like [TS]

01:27:53   thirty three tubes at the end of which [TS]

01:27:56   is a little balloon with a rubber band [TS]

01:27:58   on it you hook this thing up to a hose [TS]

01:28:01   or your calendar hose asleep during on [TS]

01:28:04   and in less than a minute you have about [TS]

01:28:06   30 water balloons and they don't require [TS]

01:28:08   that you tie them offer they do you know [TS]

01:28:10   here's what they do you ready yeah they [TS]

01:28:14   pop off and sealed themselves and now [TS]

01:28:16   you've got water balloons what it's [TS]

01:28:19   incredibly blue through like 60 of these [TS]

01:28:21   yesterday is the greatest thing is I got [TS]

01:28:25   a walgreens was ten bucks at walgreens [TS]

01:28:26   and it's like the greatest thing I've [TS]

01:28:28   ever seen in my life [TS]

01:28:29   why do I not have this already there to [TS]

01:28:30   get this today thinking about how many [TS]

01:28:31   things you could do differently if you [TS]

01:28:33   could know you're always a minute or so [TS]

01:28:34   away from having like 30 water balloons [TS]

01:28:36   so for 1499 you can get a hundred of [TS]

01:28:39   these that you can fill up a hundred of [TS]

01:28:42   them in less than a minute that's what [TS]

01:28:43   they say I mean that but yeah that's if [TS]

01:28:45   you're really working at scale but look [TS]

01:28:46   if you're having kids party you get one [TS]

01:28:48   of those big bins right uh-huh you just [TS]

01:28:50   run the hose and you can have it just a [TS]

01:28:52   few hundred water balloons in no time [TS]

01:28:54   now I know what people are saying yes [TS]

01:28:56   it's late axe yeah it's bad for the [TS]

01:28:58   environment yes baby can choke on it but [TS]

01:29:00   for a grown-ass man to be able to have [TS]

01:29:02   these kinds of balloons at scale think [TS]

01:29:04   about if you were stuck in a hotel room [TS]

01:29:06   think about if you were eight years old [TS]

01:29:07   and you were stuck on the 14th floor [TS]

01:29:08   from your mouth to God's ear if only [TS]

01:29:10   there a way to get hundreds of paper [TS]

01:29:12   airplanes you can set on fire if you [TS]

01:29:13   could set a hundred paper airplanes on [TS]

01:29:15   fire would that be better or worse than [TS]

01:29:18   a hundred little tiny water balloons [TS]

01:29:20   because you could wait until a whole [TS]

01:29:23   group of businessmen were coming down [TS]

01:29:24   the sidewalk and then just dump the [TS]

01:29:26   whole lot of them and it would be water [TS]

01:29:29   bullet and they would achieve terminal [TS]

01:29:31   velocity right so they would hit these [TS]

01:29:33   guys with a lot of prejudice but mostly [TS]

01:29:35   indeed be a nuisance and not deadly not [TS]

01:29:38   deadly but all these thank God for [TS]

01:29:40   terminal velocity this is why cats can [TS]

01:29:41   fall so far turns out terminal velocity [TS]

01:29:44   terminal velocity [TS]

01:29:45   blah blah blah Blee what it doesn't look [TS]

01:29:47   like fun don't want to get this i want [TS]

01:29:49   to get him and I want to find a cannon [TS]

01:29:51   that will [TS]

01:29:51   shoot them do you think if you put one [TS]

01:29:53   of these inside a t-shirt cannon that it [TS]

01:29:55   would explode by the force of the cannon [TS]

01:29:58   if it was under inflated and maybe a [TS]

01:30:00   slightly tighter rubber band i bet it [TS]

01:30:02   would do fine [TS]

01:30:03   so you have to find the exact amount of [TS]

01:30:05   water to put in one of these that will [TS]

01:30:07   enable it to survive a t-shirt cannon [TS]

01:30:09   they get to be about the size of [TS]

01:30:11   violence and infants heart they're not [TS]

01:30:12   huge but they're pretty good-sized an [TS]

01:30:15   infant's heart [TS]

01:30:16   yeah that's fairly small a toddler heart [TS]

01:30:18   ok toddler hard I know exactly how big [TS]

01:30:21   those are you have with your chicken [TS]

01:30:28   sandwich [TS]

01:30:29   yeah basically chicken sandwich and you [TS]

01:30:31   crack a toddler's heart right on it lava [TS]

01:30:33   Tyler star for the table please [TS]

01:30:35   but the thing about these though is that [TS]

01:30:38   if they're 200 plated right they're [TS]

01:30:40   gonna hit the businessmen at terminal [TS]

01:30:42   velocity and that's not and they're not [TS]

01:30:44   gonna break they're gonna knock them out [TS]

01:30:46   his first set that we did was under [TS]

01:30:48   inflated and they did bounce-a-lot yeah [TS]

01:30:50   but they finally broke [TS]

01:30:51   mhm I'm gonna get some more today [TS]

01:30:53   they're really really fun the the fact [TS]

01:30:57   that you have this air [TS]

01:30:58   amazon prime no I'm going to walgreens [TS]

01:31:00   but it turns out to be a little cheaper [TS]

01:31:02   walgreens oh yeah but their best thing i [TS]

01:31:05   ever bought a walgreens better than the [TS]

01:31:08   better than my cape [TS]

01:31:09   now I didn't buy that you don't write [TS]

01:31:11   you still have your cape a course [TS]

01:31:12   really yeah i love to see where in that [TS]

01:31:15   again I'll send you a picture i'll send [TS]

01:31:18   me a sext is that how that works I i'm [TS]

01:31:20   not even sure I completely understand [TS]

01:31:22   what a sex days i only know it from [TS]

01:31:23   jokes [TS]

01:31:24   well you wouldn't because of your [TS]

01:31:26   married status okay right so you're [TS]

01:31:29   saying I'm congratulations hakuna matata [TS]

01:31:30   you're doing well not getting sexy i'm [TS]

01:31:32   doing it right [TS]

01:31:33   yeah or or yeah right i mean you're just [TS]

01:31:36   like why would you need a sec that would [TS]

01:31:37   be kind of creepy right to yet for me to [TS]

01:31:41   be getting sex from somebody there's [TS]

01:31:42   there's no way that's not creepy right [TS]

01:31:44   that so there's a lot of talk about this [TS]

01:31:46   but but i think the consensus is that [TS]

01:31:48   it's that you would be cheating or or [TS]

01:31:51   you know what's in your heart [TS]

01:31:53   Jimmy Carter type situation lost in your [TS]

01:31:55   heart precisely because the sex was the [TS]

01:31:57   sex you say to somebody hey let's go [TS]

01:32:00   have intercourse is that a sex or do you [TS]

01:32:01   say my boobies are hot right now or [TS]

01:32:03   something like what it was [TS]

01:32:04   except sex the sex I think there's a [TS]

01:32:06   whole there's a whole lot of it so that [TS]

01:32:08   it's a range but i think definitely 32 [TS]

01:32:11   best dirty talk [TS]

01:32:12   externally talk or yeah hour or I think [TS]

01:32:16   if you say like I bought a bag of [TS]

01:32:17   balloons come on over [TS]

01:32:19   I I don't bring your finger pastry [TS]

01:32:21   squeezer I don't even think you need the [TS]

01:32:23   come on over [TS]

01:32:24   I think you can sex with somebody who [TS]

01:32:26   lives in France I'll see you don't [TS]

01:32:28   actually have sex to have a sext [TS]

01:32:29   nobody'll sex thing it's like a phone [TS]

01:32:32   sex thing but it is sexy enough that I [TS]

01:32:35   think it trans grasses the line of what [TS]

01:32:39   have you [TS]

01:32:40   oh hi honey what are you doing and then [TS]

01:32:43   you look over their shoulder and you're [TS]

01:32:44   like you bastard yeah because and you're [TS]

01:32:47   like oh she's in France but it doesn't [TS]

01:32:49   matter [TS]

01:32:49   Yeah right right because you're having [TS]

01:32:52   some kind of your you know your that I [TS]

01:32:54   don't really know what a sex is I think [TS]

01:32:56   I'm probably safe unless I'm doing it [TS]

01:32:58   without realizing i might be like when i [TS]

01:32:59   send you things like last night okay [TS]

01:33:01   for example i sent you for text messages [TS]

01:33:03   yesterday afternoon right in a row about [TS]

01:33:06   our episode we're doing to eat were you [TS]

01:33:07   wondering at all why i was able to type [TS]

01:33:09   that quickly you might have wondered how [TS]

01:33:11   did Merlin type these four paragraphs so [TS]

01:33:12   quickly i can tell you because i [TS]

01:33:14   accidentally sent them to my wife first [TS]

01:33:16   she said they did you think I was one of [TS]

01:33:18   the johns and i said yes i did think you [TS]

01:33:20   were one of the John's I'm very sorry [TS]

01:33:22   and then you just straight-up copy and [TS]

01:33:23   paste copy and paste so now wait a [TS]

01:33:25   minute do you communicate with john [TS]

01:33:28   deere Kusa the same way you do me in the [TS]

01:33:32   same lexicon if you send him a text and [TS]

01:33:36   you sent me a text you wouldn't be able [TS]

01:33:37   to distinguish between them it was just [TS]

01:33:40   the wrong as they say the wrong window I [TS]

01:33:41   communicate about two to four times as [TS]

01:33:44   much with John siracusa as i do with you [TS]

01:33:46   oh really only because you guys have [TS]

01:33:48   like a bromance i have a bromance I [TS]

01:33:51   don't think he does is to rational have [TS]

01:33:53   a bromance I you know I beseech you know [TS]

01:33:55   he's somebody told just be texting each [TS]

01:33:57   other they say he's like one of my mom I [TS]

01:33:58   mean a relatively few friends i see but [TS]

01:34:01   I don't have a lot of friends John I [TS]

01:34:02   don't have sex and he things and you and [TS]

01:34:04   I are past the bromance phase where [TS]

01:34:06   you're sending me like text in the [TS]

01:34:07   middle of the night that will bring this [TS]

01:34:08   up because i'll talk about it i'll tell [TS]

01:34:10   you that your mind filled the text with [TS]

01:34:11   I I get scared I don't want to do it [TS]

01:34:13   wrong [TS]

01:34:13   you get mad if i doing wrong know maybe [TS]

01:34:15   that's see everybody I know everybody's [TS]

01:34:17   a different kind of prickly pear to text [TS]

01:34:19   with you know we have mutual friends [TS]

01:34:20   that are very perplexing the text with [TS]

01:34:22   yes yes [TS]

01:34:24   and lately if you send Scott Simpson a [TS]

01:34:27   text [TS]

01:34:28   it's like sending a text 2000 dad 000 is [TS]

01:34:34   that right [TS]

01:34:34   okay he doesn't get back to you he just [TS]

01:34:36   doesn't reply to me i get a sometimes [TS]

01:34:39   get a text out of nowhere from scott [TS]

01:34:41   bring something like bro i watch that [TS]

01:34:43   thing suggested it was really good bro [TS]

01:34:45   ya know he doesn't blow me anymore and [TS]

01:34:47   he used to bring me all the time you use [TS]

01:34:49   the bromine be like what's up what's up [TS]

01:34:50   I think he's pretty busy he worries a [TS]

01:34:51   lot he works why i text with you [TS]

01:34:54   yeah i texted you I texted asian with [TS]

01:34:56   dan i text a fair amount withdrawn [TS]

01:34:57   siracusa I text to all my friends uh max [TS]

01:35:01   and Alex I text yeah I like those guys [TS]

01:35:03   they're great they're great guys [TS]

01:35:05   I am quickly detect with and you know [TS]

01:35:07   someone 24-karat is doing it no no I'm [TS]

01:35:09   sorry I'm not trying to be critical [TS]

01:35:11   no I'm saying you're the soup nazi of [TS]

01:35:12   texting I don't want to do it wrong i [TS]

01:35:15   don't want to fluster you and sometimes [TS]

01:35:16   you you come in very passionate with a [TS]

01:35:18   passionate thing to talk about and I [TS]

01:35:20   don't wanna I don't wanna provoke you [TS]

01:35:21   provoke you unintentionally about [TS]

01:35:23   something but by texting wrong and you [TS]

01:35:25   think it's about a thing and not about a [TS]

01:35:26   thing [TS]

01:35:26   yep yep yep I somebody i did i tell you [TS]

01:35:29   that somebody said to me the other day [TS]

01:35:30   or I i asked i was walking down the [TS]

01:35:32   street with someone you know I like to [TS]

01:35:33   talk when I'm walking down the street [TS]

01:35:34   and I said yeah that's right time you [TS]

01:35:38   don't like too well but I mean pretty in [TS]

01:35:40   particular like if i'm going to talk [TS]

01:35:41   about something like let's go for a walk [TS]

01:35:43   well you got a little circuit let's do a [TS]

01:35:45   little walk and talk and talk [TS]

01:35:47   so walking along and I'm like you think [TS]

01:35:48   i have a sense of humor about myself I [TS]

01:35:49   mean I obviously I have a sense of humor [TS]

01:35:50   do you think i have a sense of humor [TS]

01:35:52   well as you that you ask somebody to [TS]

01:35:53   tell you that honestly [TS]

01:35:54   yeah and there was a long pause and I [TS]

01:35:57   was like oh yeah what's this about [TS]

01:35:59   now I there's a reason i'm asking this [TS]

01:36:01   question right I've got some doubts and [TS]

01:36:04   and now there's a long possum you're [TS]

01:36:06   looking a little bit something you [TS]

01:36:07   wanted the doctor mostly okay yeah right [TS]

01:36:09   i want them to say oh you can you've [TS]

01:36:11   gotten into the supervisor and their [TS]

01:36:13   long pause and then obviously if you're [TS]

01:36:15   going to pause in a moment like that you [TS]

01:36:16   know that the other person can handle it [TS]

01:36:18   you're not jumping right in with some [TS]

01:36:19   kind of like fill up the space with talk [TS]

01:36:21   while you think about it right you're [TS]

01:36:24   like I'm gonna give you a considered [TS]

01:36:25   answer but I malicious too [TS]

01:36:27   in it for a second em all they're [TS]

01:36:28   thinking about I'm like what the fuck [TS]

01:36:30   there's only one right answer to this is [TS]

01:36:32   yes of course you have a sense you I [TS]

01:36:33   mean what it means to me is that like [TS]

01:36:35   not only is there not a simple answer to [TS]

01:36:38   this that if there is a simple answer [TS]

01:36:39   it's not the one that you want to hear [TS]

01:36:41   and now they're thinking about thinking [TS]

01:36:42   there's this so that's right there [TS]

01:36:45   thinking about thinking and they come [TS]

01:36:46   back with something very similar to what [TS]

01:36:47   you just said what which was aa I don't [TS]

01:36:51   want to get this answer wrong and I'm [TS]

01:36:54   like all right it's like your version of [TS]

01:36:56   do these pants make my butt look big [TS]

01:36:59   right just even acknowledging that no [TS]

01:37:02   matter how you answer that you're not [TS]

01:37:03   getting out of that clear right and [TS]

01:37:05   that's already there is a they've [TS]

01:37:06   already like laid down some [TS]

01:37:08   I mean there's napalm in the trees now [TS]

01:37:10   and like and like go on basically [TS]

01:37:13   confirming their fear right I'm like go [TS]

01:37:15   on and they said well your little scary [TS]

01:37:19   and the thing about your sense of humor [TS]

01:37:24   about yourself is that you really like [TS]

01:37:26   to be right about what everybody else's [TS]

01:37:32   deal is and you are [TS]

01:37:35   ninety-four percent right about what [TS]

01:37:38   other people's deal is which is amazing [TS]

01:37:40   but then you are very reluctant to not [TS]

01:37:44   also be ninety-four percent right about [TS]

01:37:46   yourself [TS]

01:37:48   oh and I was like uh huh and I'm now I'm [TS]

01:37:53   really thinking now there's like now [TS]

01:37:55   there's the smell of burned plastic and [TS]

01:37:57   it's a very thoughtful response and they [TS]

01:38:00   said you know you have a sense of humor [TS]

01:38:02   about yourself but if someone else makes [TS]

01:38:05   an observation like you yourself can you [TS]

01:38:10   because you know yourself very well you [TS]

01:38:11   say very knowledgeable things about [TS]

01:38:13   yourself and laugh and we're all meant [TS]

01:38:15   to laugh with you because we all have [TS]

01:38:17   Stockholm Syndrome but if someone else [TS]

01:38:20   says something about you that doesn't [TS]

01:38:23   match up with what you think you already [TS]

01:38:25   know [TS]

01:38:25   yep there's a long and cold period that [TS]

01:38:32   no one wants to be inside [TS]

01:38:35   and I was like hmm [TS]

01:38:39   [Music] [TS]

01:38:41   and they said I'm starting to feel that [TS]

01:38:44   cold feeling right now as we watch down [TS]

01:38:47   the street and I was like well [TS]

01:38:50   interesting observation I don't give you [TS]

01:38:57   that sense here about yourself in the [TS]

01:38:59   true sense of the word you go [TS]

01:39:00   holy shit you're totally right well [TS]

01:39:02   without going to causing you would go [TS]

01:39:03   you're absolutely right oh my god in [TS]

01:39:04   such a dingus what a great way to put [TS]

01:39:06   that well and and that's what I'm that's [TS]

01:39:08   what i was working toward right i mean [TS]

01:39:10   it was very much true i repair have [TS]

01:39:15   prepared to seem good-natured about the [TS]

01:39:16   I i will allow the court will allow this [TS]

01:39:20   objection [TS]

01:39:20   uh-huh and so I'm walking I'm like now [TS]

01:39:23   does this mean I'm thinking to myself [TS]

01:39:25   does this mean that I that I is this one [TS]

01:39:29   of the definitions of a sense of humor [TS]

01:39:30   about oneself when somebody else says [TS]

01:39:32   here's the floor in you and you go haha [TS]

01:39:35   right and and because there are other [TS]

01:39:41   definitions right like I'm I'm certainly [TS]

01:39:44   capable of saying like boy am i a dummy [TS]

01:39:46   but there's an element of that which is [TS]

01:39:49   diffusing other people's criticism right [TS]

01:39:51   because i get to set the terms of of how [TS]

01:39:54   i'm a dummy and by saying it before [TS]

01:39:57   anyone else can say it i retain control [TS]

01:39:59   over it [TS]

01:40:01   yeah and so I'm walking along I'm like [TS]

01:40:03   where you're like you just kind of 11 [TS]

01:40:06   does that you're setting the boundaries [TS]

01:40:07   for it and you're also one is bringing [TS]

01:40:09   exactly the cattle you want to bring in [TS]

01:40:11   to fill that area [TS]

01:40:12   yeah your video nobody nobody else is [TS]

01:40:14   allowed to drop in some cheap there [TS]

01:40:15   because that's that's that's a classic [TS]

01:40:17   funny funniest person thing is its humor [TS]

01:40:20   becomes a form of self-defense because [TS]

01:40:22   you get to sort of inoculate yourself in [TS]

01:40:24   a way that you choose to MH but then [TS]

01:40:26   somebody else does it [TS]

01:40:28   mhm so I you know but I want this thing [TS]

01:40:32   you do that so people look at other [TS]

01:40:34   people other people i want to be [TS]

01:40:36   somebody that has a bit people think [TS]

01:40:38   like he's got a great sense of humor [TS]

01:40:40   about himself what a light-hearted [TS]

01:40:41   carefree guy but but but what's [TS]

01:40:45   confusing to me is that when other [TS]

01:40:47   people try to describe me [TS]

01:40:49   because all this was one of the things [TS]

01:40:50   this is one of the things one of the [TS]

01:40:52   reasons I brought it up I was like you [TS]

01:40:54   know no one ever does me the favor of [TS]

01:40:56   like dropping some science on me about [TS]

01:40:59   me right like no one ever likes walking [TS]

01:41:02   along as like you know what your problem [TS]

01:41:03   is like I'm living members literally [TS]

01:41:05   kind of asking for and that but but [TS]

01:41:08   whatever this comes up I always hear the [TS]

01:41:09   word scary in the first 27 words and I'm [TS]

01:41:16   like scary scary that's not a scary [TS]

01:41:20   isn't a thing I'm trying to be this is [TS]

01:41:22   Carrie I mean maybe a little maybe i'll [TS]

01:41:25   try to be a little scary you know I [TS]

01:41:27   don't want to get walked up on by a cop [TS]

01:41:29   in the middle of the night now you think [TS]

01:41:30   of or describe yourself [TS]

01:41:31   no you don't want to i mean i was a [TS]

01:41:33   little scary you don't want to like sit [TS]

01:41:34   down next amount of park bench and tell [TS]

01:41:35   me to move my lunch but I'm not a man [TS]

01:41:38   spreader you know scary was scary really [TS]

01:41:42   mean but but it's kind of release code [TS]

01:41:45   particularly among my friends you know [TS]

01:41:48   so anyway I've been chewing on that [TS]

01:41:50   quite a bit of that quite a bit like a [TS]

01:41:53   one-way a how do i be less scary i'm [TS]

01:41:55   just going to intensity here [TS]

01:41:57   well so if they texted it to me if [TS]

01:41:59   they've texted to me and included a [TS]

01:42:00   picture their boobs it would have been I [TS]

01:42:03   would've just glance right over the [TS]

01:42:05   criticism steam and John I would have [TS]

01:42:08   put a balloon full of of hot putting on [TS]

01:42:13   a pencil it up in there John where are [TS]

01:42:25   selling t-shirts for one more week we're [TS]

01:42:28   selling t-shirts and one thing that i'm [TS]

01:42:30   sure a lot of people were listening [TS]

01:42:32   along to this program waiting for us to [TS]

01:42:34   say was this is our 200th episode [TS]

01:42:36   yeah and i know you don't care about [TS]

01:42:38   commemorating things because you know [TS]

01:42:40   that about me [TS]

01:42:40   you're not a numerologist where i sent [TS]

01:42:42   you for text about yesterday [TS]

01:42:44   well yeah but who who prompted those [TS]

01:42:47   four texts you sent those texts Johnson [TS]

01:42:50   excusa some of my wife but in any case [TS]

01:42:52   that my girls here kissa uh yeah we're [TS]

01:42:56   selling t-shirts that are amazing [TS]

01:42:58   now as a way of you know I like where's [TS]

01:43:02   our / [TS]

01:43:02   it's right here in the form of these [TS]

01:43:04   t-shirts people really liked the last [TS]

01:43:06   time that we did it and we decided to do [TS]

01:43:08   it again there's some money in this for [TS]

01:43:10   us but they're also really cool shirts [TS]

01:43:12   so you know you can go to come you're [TS]

01:43:13   calm or you go to show notes for this [TS]

01:43:15   episode which are at Roderick online.com [TS]

01:43:17   I don't make this too long but here's [TS]

01:43:18   the thing if we don't mean no matter how [TS]

01:43:20   much you say this people are gonna hate [TS]

01:43:21   you either gonna follow you you say like [TS]

01:43:23   we're selling shirts I know like here's [TS]

01:43:25   the thing like tuesday next Tuesday [TS]

01:43:27   it's too late to buy one of these shirts [TS]

01:43:29   and you know what's gonna happen there's [TS]

01:43:31   going to be half a dozen people who go [TS]

01:43:32   why didn't you tell me that you were [TS]

01:43:34   selling shirts for exactly two weeks i [TS]

01:43:36   would have bought one that's right [TS]

01:43:37   I've been waiting for years why didn't [TS]

01:43:39   you tell me they take it as a personal [TS]

01:43:40   affront so I'm trying to forestall that [TS]

01:43:42   even though I'm like the TSA guys on [TS]

01:43:44   everybody take out their liquids I know [TS]

01:43:45   there's no point i know there's going to [TS]

01:43:46   be people in a bazooka launchers and [TS]

01:43:48   like a skin of wine I'm just trying to [TS]

01:43:50   tell you if you want to get a shirt my [TS]

01:43:52   sound angry [TS]

01:43:52   you know one of our sugar i know you're [TS]

01:43:54   a little scary right now maybe a little [TS]

01:43:56   scary aren't I think about the guys in [TS]

01:43:58   the porkpie hats that are driving [TS]

01:43:59   Lambrettas in Pennsylvania and the fun [TS]

01:44:03   that those guys are having in there in [TS]

01:44:06   the t-shirts that they bought right [TS]

01:44:07   think about if you are someone in New [TS]

01:44:09   Zealand who formerly was not aware of [TS]

01:44:13   how many rhetoric on the line listeners [TS]

01:44:14   there are new zealand now put on a [TS]

01:44:17   t-shirt with some doing Rays who walk [TS]

01:44:20   around in Christchurch or wherever [TS]

01:44:23   Wellington and watch the people flock to [TS]

01:44:27   you all saying how ru Raja calor fan [TS]

01:44:33   because everybody feel it is a cockney [TS]

01:44:35   chimney so obvious but maybe taking a [TS]

01:44:37   Pepsi challenge girls have your work now [TS]

01:44:40   and our work this pattern lifestyle list [TS]

01:44:43   in this is the thing when i meet you [TS]

01:44:47   will meet other people when you wear a [TS]

01:44:48   Roderick online sure i can tell you [TS]

01:44:50   because I i frequently wear one when [TS]

01:44:52   it's cold and I'm I I I meet people you [TS]

01:44:55   will meet people you see stories and the [TS]

01:44:57   thing is they're they're cool people [TS]

01:44:58   because there nobody who listens to this [TS]

01:45:01   show is a dork [TS]

01:45:02   even if you don't want to meet people [TS]

01:45:04   even if you have social anxiety [TS]

01:45:06   this is a perfect way to meet people in [TS]

01:45:08   a way that communicates I [TS]

01:45:11   amerock on the line listed doesn't know [TS]

01:45:13   what I mean like to me to tell me [TS]

01:45:16   another shirt more people are going to [TS]

01:45:17   be more tolerant of whatever your [TS]

01:45:19   introversion thing is right right [TS]

01:45:22   it's not it's not an invitation to a hug [TS]

01:45:24   right it's an invitation to as synchro [TS]

01:45:27   ICU [TS]

01:45:28   that's right i see you crow uh-huh so [TS]

01:45:31   you go to icarly.com you get there but I [TS]

01:45:34   was just going to rock online.com you [TS]

01:45:36   have a week from today to get this so we [TS]

01:45:39   would appreciate it if you would do that [TS]

01:45:40   if you want help celebrate our Turner's [TS]

01:45:42   200 episodes anniversary if it's [TS]

01:45:44   meaningful to good 1776 it's definitely [TS]

01:45:48   a different number then a good buy a [TS]

01:45:52   fucking shirt yeah that's right do it [TS]

01:45:55   yeah happy happy Anniversary yay happy [TS]

01:45:57   Anniversary to Marla was anticlimactic [TS]

01:46:03   haha [TS]