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0:00:15[Music]
0:00:20hello hi John
0:00:24hi m-my Merlin who was going good I just
0:00:31feel like you know that's how I feel
0:00:36uh-huh answer it's a rainy morning in
0:00:39seattle that the fall winter fall is
0:00:41finally arrived winter fall that was my
0:00:45favorite james bond movie actually no
0:00:48that was the shittiest we will meet
0:00:52again at wynn chavo Papa butter banana
0:01:01yeah so it's good yeah things are great
0:01:03i mean it's busy morning but things are
0:01:04going yeah yeah you are you running
0:01:06around a lot
0:01:07yeah you know I got a lot of lot of
0:01:09things to do uh-huh that's not my name
0:01:11is a lot outside what have you know i'm
0:01:13busy guy
0:01:14yeah you are busy guy and I got my keys
0:01:16right here you want here
0:01:17she's Louise that's a lot of keys see
0:01:19what I'm Sam I'm not a one key guy
0:01:21anymore
0:01:22oh yeah really yeah no I got all these
0:01:24keys
0:01:27how many of those do you use in a given
0:01:29week I use them all use every one of
0:01:30them look at them there they aren't your
0:01:32boat you got your other boat
0:01:33uh-huh it's red I got my this one's to
0:01:36the propane this one's to the lock on
0:01:38the on the tool shed
0:01:41yeah hmm i think you and start to own
0:01:46you know that's right
0:01:48that is right you know the what these
0:01:49are analog eels I'll God tell me about
0:01:53it
0:01:53yeah how about yourself how are you you
0:01:57seem relaxed i'm alright alright um yeah
0:02:01I anything to improve my quality of
0:02:02sleep
0:02:03that's you know that's an ongoing thing
0:02:05I don't know I don't know if I'll ever
0:02:07have good sleep again
0:02:08really now you know what it's not
0:02:10anything to talk about it's just that I
0:02:12think you know what it is
0:02:14I i heard a thing on an old episode of
0:02:17this american life today about people
0:02:19who thought their house is haunted but
0:02:20it was actually carbon monoxide
0:02:22poisoning of 100 and now I spent the
0:02:24whole morning thinking about this
0:02:26because according to this this expert
0:02:28person they talked to many of the things
0:02:29that people talk about when we talk
0:02:31about creepy scary haunting things
0:02:33are attributable to low-level carbon
0:02:35monoxide poisoning and I've had this
0:02:38suspicion im mean as you know I'm not a
0:02:39lunatic
0:02:40no no but I am a theorist and I have my
0:02:43records and I've been wanting for a
0:02:45while if there are is some part of my
0:02:47house that might be harming me I don't
0:02:51think it's a ghost but it's old and it
0:02:53has not been extremely well maintained
0:02:56and carbon monoxide is right in my
0:02:57wheelhouse
0:02:58yeah I know that that's true i mean you
0:03:00are first of all let's just say a
0:03:04ceramicist who and an anthropologist
0:03:09sure sure i'ma i'm a lover a father a
0:03:14thinker and a person that's right but I
0:03:18and also not a person who is insensitive
0:03:22to environmental climactic change and
0:03:26also haunting and also monoxide I'm
0:03:30trying to keep my I keep my eyes open
0:03:32keep my ears open and keep my mind open
0:03:34if I may say you know I don't shut all
0:03:36the doors to my mind here's the thing
0:03:38that carbon monoxide does it start
0:03:40shutting doors in your mind oh it's not
0:03:42a terrible thing it's like the toxic
0:03:43plasmosis
0:03:44the call is coming from inside no oh my
0:03:46god you know I we recently had a couple
0:03:49of cat deaths in our extended family i'm
0:03:51sorry well don't apologize to me because
0:03:54I thought though that they were both
0:03:56fairly unredeemable cats and one of them
0:04:02in particular people like to talk about
0:04:04this John but it's true there some cats
0:04:05are assholes hold one of them so one of
0:04:08them was just a troubled cat and I feel
0:04:12like she's going to a better place one
0:04:14of them was a the devil cat and I made
0:04:21so these cats used to live fairly close
0:04:23to me
0:04:24not today we're not my cats but they
0:04:27were close enough close enough that we
0:04:30that we had to come to an arrangement
0:04:33and then it was the toxoplasmosis when
0:04:38my baby was it was she has yet to arrive
0:04:40on the scene but she was in transit you
0:04:43get a lot of warnings about this these
0:04:44days
0:04:45and I was like listen whether
0:04:47toxoplasmosis is real or not this is the
0:04:49excuse I need to send these cats to go
0:04:52live on a farm
0:04:53nice and there was no arguing about it
0:04:56because i had a piece of paper that had
0:04:57a long word on it uh-huh was like I
0:05:00don't even what the real reason with
0:05:01these cats to go is that they are
0:05:03spiritually bankrupt you know any that
0:05:06but but that is harder to prove
0:05:08yeah that doesn't have the same kind of
0:05:1015 a man doesn't have a Greek name
0:05:12yeah that's right or or or you know
0:05:14potential harm to your innocent baby who
0:05:17can say anything against that and mind
0:05:20control cat shit fog and the cats that
0:05:23thing is as much as cats can be
0:05:25delivered assholes
0:05:26I don't think that they know that
0:05:28they're making you crazy i think that's
0:05:30that's how it works
0:05:31it's a it's a symbiosis it's a host
0:05:33organism scenario
0:05:36yeah but you know you open to many doors
0:05:38and a lot of wind comes in
0:05:39so you know you start thinking about
0:05:40these things you start thinking about
0:05:41the toxoplasmosis are you start thinking
0:05:43about we do not currently have a carbon
0:05:45monoxide dingus in our house you know
0:05:48those are easy to find an easy to buy
0:05:49yeah well we tested our art our tub for
0:05:52LED one time and we're not doing that
0:05:53again it was like you know continued on
0:05:58next walgreens test stop so bad honey
0:06:02please don't drink the bathwater there's
0:06:03so many reasons not to drink the
0:06:05bathwater no walgreens give us the strip
0:06:08I don't know you know i am like you know
0:06:11I've been turning the thought technology
0:06:12I've been turning over in my head that's
0:06:14not particularly novel but I don't know
0:06:17I've been thinking about how whenever
0:06:19something shocking comes along or
0:06:22something something that shocked the
0:06:23sensibility shocks our credulity or it
0:06:26seems it's something that just seems so
0:06:28wrong and so bananas but in time starts
0:06:32seeming less bananas
0:06:33I don't know it just makes me think that
0:06:35I want to start being less shocked my
0:06:39things that happen in the world not like
0:06:40atrocities or something but like you
0:06:42know I'm just realizing that you know it
0:06:45you think alike i like to shop or a you
0:06:47know rite of spring or something like
0:06:49that
0:06:50they're these things that come along
0:06:50that you know cause riots and and medium
0:06:53posts and you know i guess i'm just
0:06:55starting to finally at
0:06:58at my advancing age realized that
0:07:00everything new is shocking and like you
0:07:03should give it some time before you just
0:07:05throw it out
0:07:05sure jurisdiction was shocking didn't
0:07:08they told us all along is right there
0:07:10right on the 10
0:07:11nothing's shocking literally that's true
0:07:13so how do you people thinking about you
0:07:17feel like the US government is complicit
0:07:20in the South American drug trade
0:07:22um I don't know enough to say whenever
0:07:27it comes to anything conspiratorial I
0:07:30mostly just write it off with a kind of
0:07:33it you know it sure could happen it
0:07:36wouldn't surprise me it seems like if
0:07:39you look back at the history of allowing
0:07:41a lady drug thing but like you think
0:07:43about you think about like oh you know
0:07:44there's all these different theories and
0:07:46records about what caused what in this
0:07:49you know 60 70 80 and 90 is because CIA
0:07:51you know I that the the part that that
0:07:55mitigates against dismissing all crazy
0:07:58theories is that so much dumb shit has
0:08:01happened were like there were meetings
0:08:03and plans and calendar events and HR
0:08:06decisions to do some really crazy shit
0:08:09that makes you feel like you know what
0:08:10their you never know right and there's
0:08:13been a lot of dumb stuff
0:08:14oh there's been a lot of times and I'm
0:08:17not putting it too strongly am i don't
0:08:19know i think that's a government I don't
0:08:22know the government I
0:08:24I i don't know i don't i wanna i
0:08:27seriously want an mp3 of that the
0:08:29government the government i don't know i
0:08:34don't know just want that to be my room
0:08:36don't worry about the lone gunman you
0:08:38know what I mean that's for sure because
0:08:39you don't even have to have it mean to
0:08:40be crazy on your own
0:08:42well and all those kids out there now
0:08:44with carbon monoxide guns i gotta-i
0:08:46gotta get one of those things i should
0:08:47probably have the place I could have to
0:08:48have a plumber come out this week I
0:08:49should probably also have a carbon
0:08:51ologist sure that's what it comes down
0:08:53and does a there's a there's a monologue
0:08:55about carbon at your house well you
0:08:58should have a dinner come out and see if
0:09:01you you know i always find out if we
0:09:03have water in the house I don't know if
0:09:04there's water we found water my wife is
0:09:06the dinner yesterday she text me and
0:09:08said we got that drip into the sink
0:09:09again so now you know we gotta call the
0:09:11guy I need one of those except for
0:09:13finding dead animals in my walls are you
0:09:16still at that I so I I I went around the
0:09:19house and by I went around the house I
0:09:21mean largely my mom went around the
0:09:24house and she I mean she this lady loves
0:09:27a project right and she's when I was
0:09:30running for office and I was very very
0:09:32busy and I was struggling with the fact
0:09:34that i was routinely now trapping
0:09:37possums in my crawlspace and then
0:09:41realizing the trapping possums wasn't
0:09:44enough you know they they foreclosed on
0:09:47a house a couple of doors down from my
0:09:49house and some house flippers came in
0:09:52and rehabilitated and that caused the
0:09:53the great the Great rat diaspora yeah
0:09:56that's right and so then I was trapping
0:09:58rats right I'm trapping possum trapping
0:10:01rats
0:10:02it's just fucking it's not a good scene
0:10:05because it's also july it's 110 degrees
0:10:09and if you trap a rat in your attic 110
0:10:13degrees the ret the decomposition
0:10:16process happens a lot faster and the
0:10:18company that I hired to trap the rats
0:10:21have this policy of like well if it's a
0:10:24live possum in the trap will try and get
0:10:27out there this afternoon and I'm like
0:10:31really
0:10:32yeah we're busy but if it's a dead rat
0:10:37well that's not going anywhere will come
0:10:39by on Saturday and I'm like it someday
0:10:42you're gonna let the dead rats in my
0:10:45attic for a week
0:10:46ya know and they're like well you know
0:10:49that's if you read the contract so it
0:10:52was a bet that was a bad relationship
0:10:53but then my mom who loves a project put
0:10:58on her overalls which are covered with
0:11:01different colors of blue paint and are
0:11:04worn out at the knees her favorite
0:11:06overalls coveralls and she came out and
0:11:09she started filling every hole the size
0:11:16of a dime in the outside of the house
0:11:19and she just was having the time of her
0:11:21life rap proofing this house
0:11:25Wow but there and so all the rats we
0:11:29captured him all we got all the possums
0:11:32we got everybody out of the fucking
0:11:33house and then I walked in one day and
0:11:40there was the smell of a dead animal
0:11:42someone and I wandered around the house
0:11:45and H trying to find it trying to find a
0:11:48trying to find it couldn't find it
0:11:49couldn't find it
0:11:50finally upstairs in the one of the rooms
0:11:56i realized that so I my suspicion is
0:12:01threat climbed up in the wall and got
0:12:04two right next to the heating vent but
0:12:08when i took the event face off
0:12:10I couldn't it was like on the other side
0:12:12of the sheet metal it wasn't in the hvac
0:12:15it was like in the wall outside of the
0:12:18HVAC and it just died up there and so it
0:12:22was like oh you miserable bastards i
0:12:27would eradicate your entire kind i would
0:12:29stand there and kill you in front of
0:12:31each other so that you would know that
0:12:35you'd have transgressed against a
0:12:37monster
0:12:37uh-huh but so i sealed up that heating
0:12:41vent duct tape to completely off and
0:12:44waited for the smell to go away and was
0:12:46just like that's just I guess on your
0:12:48own a house I've been in this house
0:12:49seven years and nothing
0:12:50died in the walls yet but now we're a
0:12:53war with these rats and i thought i had
0:12:55trapped them all but somebody got in and
0:12:57then we sealed it anyway so no rats no
0:13:03critters and then two weeks ago I hear
0:13:09something crawling around and like you
0:13:11sons of bitches and so then I go all the
0:13:15way around the house with the high you
0:13:18know like a 10,000 watt flashlight and I
0:13:22find a hole that nobody could you know
0:13:25that that we didn't look for because the
0:13:27stupid as company that was trapping
0:13:30possums for me told me that there were
0:13:32no holes in this particular location and
0:13:35then I found a hole in that location and
0:13:38I was like you guy with you guy with
0:13:40your your possum trapping coveralls you
0:13:45didn't actually get up on the ladder
0:13:47like you said you did so to make a long
0:13:50story short when i was gone when i was
0:13:55down in san francisco i started getting
0:13:58reports from the various people who look
0:14:01after my property that there's a strange
0:14:05smell in the house and I was like really
0:14:06did i forget to take the recycling out
0:14:08and the report came back I don't think
0:14:11it's the recycle so what I got home sure
0:14:13enough it was a very fits of to you know
0:14:16you know what the smell is it's a very
0:14:18particular smell and so I spent the
0:14:21entire week with my divining rod trying
0:14:28to find the location of this beast and
0:14:33could not I short of tearing the drywall
0:14:37apart i could not find where this
0:14:38critter had decided to breathe his last
0:14:42breath and so all I could do was just
0:14:46sit in this house that sort of vaguely
0:14:49smells like a dead something I'm just
0:14:53like why why why this
0:14:56yeah i mean in the grand scheme of
0:14:59things but you gotta live there
0:15:03so it's you know it's funny houses are
0:15:06funny thing because you know you feel
0:15:08like you close the windows shut the door
0:15:11maybe you've even kind of weather proof
0:15:13the door but you're not even close
0:15:15mi mean a house is old as ours like we
0:15:18have a almost 90 year old house and you
0:15:22know i think it it gets like an old man
0:15:25and gets a little loose and flabby and
0:15:27and you know I it was it was probably
0:15:29never liked the fanciest place to begin
0:15:30with but like at three this started in
0:15:33Florida when and when you first hear
0:15:35there's a factoid that you can't unhear
0:15:36in life which is that there are certain
0:15:39kinds of on-call varmint so I hope
0:15:40that's not the apartment is not very
0:15:42progressive but there are certain kinds
0:15:44of moments where if their head can get
0:15:46through it
0:15:47their body can get through it i believe
0:15:48this is true of roaches and i'm pretty
0:15:51sure it's true of rats and I know it's
0:15:53true squid you've seen the squid video
0:15:56yeah the squids will get right in your
0:15:57house you don't want to split up there
0:15:59well I'm my sand ants but they got the
0:16:02the you know the the the skeleton in the
0:16:05musculature of these varmints you know
0:16:07will collapse through a hole like the
0:16:09size of a frickin dime
0:16:10yea big a detachable penis yeah that's
0:16:13true and and and so I mean of course in
0:16:16Florida it's pointless i mean they're
0:16:18they're coming home in the grocery bags
0:16:19are coming through the walls you know
0:16:21coming through the mtv you get the just
0:16:23getting all kinds of roaches and stuff
0:16:24in the house but we had a we had a our
0:16:26first Mouse incursion was man
0:16:30and probably around the time not long
0:16:31before for my kid came on the scene
0:16:33which made it extra kind of crazy you
0:16:35don't want to get the mouse in the same
0:16:36house
0:16:36mmm yeah if you got a house it's got a
0:16:39mouse got a mouse if you're a kid you
0:16:41got a kid you know what it is it's and
0:16:43again my favorite word vulnerability it
0:16:44makes you feel vulnerable when you know
0:16:46that there are that there are mammals in
0:16:49particular that can just kind of wander
0:16:51in and out of the house and decide if
0:16:53it's a place that they want to stay
0:16:54yeah who knows what the mouse is
0:16:55thinking uh-huh is the mouse watching
0:16:59you masturbate
0:17:00yeah that's not that's not a thing I
0:17:02want to consider might be a turn-on for
0:17:04the mouse see it's a mammal right they
0:17:07could be communicating telepathically
0:17:09with each other they could be alien life
0:17:11forms from a different planet
0:17:12masquerading as mice like you know if a
0:17:15crab wandered into your house haha you
0:17:18think well that's kinda weird you know
0:17:20like how did that happen and I have to
0:17:22say I you know I have no ill will
0:17:24against the crab I think a crab him in
0:17:26your house probably just wandered it
0:17:27maybe was checking things out it was in
0:17:29the neighborhood but you know when you
0:17:31see that happen all the time and I and I
0:17:32you know shooting out shoo shoo crashes
0:17:35jus yeah but but you know the thing is
0:17:38with when the so within the rainy season
0:17:41here you get the sugar ants and then at
0:17:43any time you could just get my
0:17:45cigarettes were fortunate knock on
0:17:46everything literally everything that we
0:17:48have haven't had rats but you know a
0:17:50mouse is looking for a place to camp out
0:17:52and maybe bring family and I think when
0:17:54you see one that's that's often an
0:17:56emissary that's that's an explorer a
0:17:58scout shirt company or somebody from the
0:18:01mouse State Department they're coming in
0:18:03there you know III don't know exactly
0:18:04how we have a pretty good idea how it
0:18:05works at the ants you know I've read
0:18:07part of any Wilson book but you know
0:18:09what the answer is real simple you know
0:18:11which is when it rains they don't have a
0:18:13place to live anymore
0:18:14mm and you know in San Francisco it
0:18:16doesn't rain it all until it rains and
0:18:18then when it rains it rains really hard
0:18:19and so basically usually around let me
0:18:23know we don't really get rain in
0:18:24California anymore but definitely
0:18:25December in January it's full-on like
0:18:28sugar Anton em and they will come in now
0:18:32there's just not a whole lot you can do
0:18:33about that you can you can hire
0:18:35companies to like stake the place out
0:18:37and spray stuff but like that's not
0:18:38going to go away you got to just kind of
0:18:40make your peace with the yet with the
0:18:41ants right i will not abide a
0:18:43rodent and how what is the San Francisco
0:18:46spider story nothing like Seattle we get
0:18:50we get some awesome like single spiders
0:18:53i think probably bachelor spiders come
0:18:55and hang out usually in the bathroom i
0:18:57love them
0:18:57my family doesn't love I'm always the
0:18:59one who is charged with the catch and
0:19:01release program for spiders i love a
0:19:03spider
0:19:03I feel like a spider mite be good luck
0:19:04darling bleeding good luck yeah i'm a
0:19:07i'm a fan of spiders but you know as you
0:19:09know in seattle there are multiple kinds
0:19:12i mean it's pretty bad right i mean it's
0:19:14really like legitimately like too many
0:19:16spiders so it's too many spiders and the
0:19:18garden spiders you watch the garden
0:19:21spiders get fatter and fatter and fatter
0:19:23throughout the fall so you'll see a
0:19:25spider and you're like oh there's a
0:19:27weekend that guy and then the next day
0:19:30it's visibly bigger and you're like huh
0:19:32that's but spiders getting kind of big
0:19:34and then get some rings and a walking
0:19:36stick
0:19:36yeah and then you're like a few days
0:19:38later and you're like that is a freaking
0:19:40fat ass spider that spiders body as big
0:19:43as a walnut now and i am not any longer
0:19:47like he let the spider be like let the
0:19:51Bennett's are mostly ladies let's tidy
0:19:54can tell from the from the way they're
0:19:56dressed or just yeah just been sort of
0:19:58their attitude you know that they're
0:20:00just really good interrupt other sassy
0:20:02mm um but uh what I don't want is to be
0:20:07walking through my own garden and take
0:20:09one of these in the face
0:20:11yes and so I walk for three months out
0:20:16of the year i walked through my yard
0:20:17with one hand up in front of my in front
0:20:21of my body random no no surprise spiders
0:20:24for you
0:20:25yeah and the thing is if you make the
0:20:26mistake of putting your hand up where
0:20:29the tips of your fingers are I level you
0:20:32will catch a spider web in your forehead
0:20:36I don't like that and so you got to keep
0:20:37your hands up above your head and out
0:20:40far enough that you can hit a web and
0:20:42like karate chop it so now i know my
0:20:45daughter walks through the yard with her
0:20:47hand up she doesn't know why she's just
0:20:51imitating daddy and we're walking
0:20:52through the yard with our shark fins out
0:20:56and chopping down spiderwebs and even
0:20:59with that even with that technique i
0:21:01catch three spider webs in the face
0:21:04pretty much every day and then you got
0:21:08the house spiders and there are the
0:21:10fast-moving super fast moving ceiling
0:21:14spiders and then there are the new a
0:21:19numerable kinds of spiders let's say and
0:21:23I i am in a family of ladies right I'm
0:21:28the only guy in my family my mom doesn't
0:21:31mean literally a lobster could be on my
0:21:34mom ceiling and she wouldn't flinch but
0:21:37but there are other characters in my
0:21:41clam who do not want a spider around 1i
0:21:44gene fairness I don't you know I just
0:21:46want to say that like I think of the
0:21:48guesswork focus of the focus the spider
0:21:53one is right there are a lot of people
0:21:54who are utterly unhinged by the idea
0:21:57that they're even might be a spider in
0:21:58the room
0:21:59well i'm particularly the fast-moving
0:22:01spiders again a surprise spider a
0:22:04surprise spider where it's like that
0:22:06spiders not moving very fast that
0:22:07spiders just hanging out and then the
0:22:10spider moves fast and you're like oh no
0:22:12oh no no no
0:22:15so I understand but I'm very tight i'm
0:22:18pro spider and I'm kind to spiders but
0:22:20might it seems like at a certain point
0:22:22in the year my number one job
0:22:25above all else is moving house spiders
0:22:26outside and i have no way of knowing
0:22:28whether a house spider can survive
0:22:31outside or whether the house better
0:22:32turns around and immediately walks back
0:22:34into my house through one of its many
0:22:37many holes right right right did you
0:22:39think it has that sense of see something
0:22:41we do a lot now I'm thinking about all
0:22:43the varieties of things that we that we
0:22:44have around here before walking down a
0:22:46picnic at school were walking around the
0:22:48corner of the school will frequently be
0:22:50a little tiny super fuzzy yellow eye on
0:22:56caterpillars i like them so far maybe
0:22:58half an inch long very very tiny and
0:23:01will be working their way across the
0:23:02sidewalk and i'm not sure how this might
0:23:05my daughter
0:23:06uh
0:23:07amigo all its it we got to get out of
0:23:09the road we got to get out of the
0:23:10sidewalk and so we move it we picked
0:23:13this happened last week she picks she
0:23:14picks up a caterpillar because she's
0:23:16awesome and she goes and puts it back in
0:23:18what we guess is where it wanted to
0:23:19originally have been there were walking
0:23:22along we see another one who had made
0:23:24further progress and she says oh thats
0:23:26its friend wants to be with its friend
0:23:28or she goes back picks up the the
0:23:31caterpillar sub 1 and then puts it over
0:23:34so I can be with its friend now a part
0:23:37of me i had an environmental ethics
0:23:38class and in in college I've thought
0:23:40about this a lot and I sometimes
0:23:42wondered like should we should we a pick
0:23:45it up and get it out of the way to
0:23:47somewhere we think it belongs be pick it
0:23:50up and put it with who were calling its
0:23:51friend Marcy leave it where it is
0:23:53because nature right right how much how
0:23:57much should we intervene now I'm just
0:23:59here to tell you like I do not like up
0:24:01I'll kill the shit out of a flying
0:24:02insect I do not like a flying insect I i
0:24:05will go way out of my way I will
0:24:07inconvenience myself i will pause the
0:24:08television to get a spider out of the
0:24:10house you know even though hey I didn't
0:24:12mind it being there and being probably
0:24:14come back it eventually your problem
0:24:16what's your what's your what's your
0:24:17general feeling on moving animals up
0:24:20flying insects in my house I don't you
0:24:24know the other day there is a moth in
0:24:26the house and I was sitting there in the
0:24:29company of some friends and the moth was
0:24:33doing it's like sort of flight the x me
0:24:40and I grabbed it by the wing out of the
0:24:42air
0:24:44oh I like mr. Miyagi like spell and that
0:24:47was a good party trick but then I felt
0:24:51bad for the moth em and I let it go and
0:24:55it kept flying in in contravention of
0:24:58what i thought would happen
0:25:00I I always heard that seems very
0:25:01delicate like any injury at all and it's
0:25:03gonna lose the the ability to fly
0:25:05yeah but I but this guy kept on keeping
0:25:07on and so I was like shit you earned the
0:25:10right to live
0:25:11um just by you know you have your
0:25:15indomitable spirit
0:25:17yeah but I lost one
0:25:20I lost my dad's harris tweed blazer to
0:25:25mobs and I think they're different model
0:25:28the big models don't eat the 10 i think
0:25:32the Blazers are a lot smaller they make
0:25:34a little tiny holes the other little
0:25:35ones but they really went after this
0:25:37blazer which I had my whole life in
0:25:39which my dad had since the fifties and
0:25:41it was his signature code he handed it
0:25:43down to me in threadbare but serviceable
0:25:46condition and then in under my
0:25:48stewardship this thing was attacked by
0:25:52mods and and tattered happened on your
0:25:54watch yet did it did I had to bear the
0:25:57responsibility for it and so mods uh
0:26:00like I brook no truck i am i'ma but i
0:26:07don't know exactly how to kill them
0:26:08other than have a carbon monoxide and as
0:26:11you know that that creates the illusion
0:26:15of a haunting so I don't want that you
0:26:18got going on tomorrow
0:26:19no no no tentatively but other things
0:26:21bees they try to shoot him out wasps I
0:26:24tried to show him out flies i kill with
0:26:28impunity fruit flies definitely all i
0:26:31got a whole project literally right now
0:26:34happening in my kitchen
0:26:35yeah well I got a project have you got
0:26:37have you got some of the balsamic
0:26:39vinegar in a cup got a red wine trap
0:26:42working right now that's nice that you
0:26:44take a bowl take that bottle of wine
0:26:46from a few months ago you never finished
0:26:47for that in what I do I overtop of all I
0:26:51put two layers of saran wrap oh hello
0:26:53two layers then I take a bamboo skewer
0:26:56and I put maybe 11 holes at irregular
0:26:59intervals so that they don't see the
0:27:01pattern right you know their pattern
0:27:03matching oh absolutely absolutely
0:27:05you don't make it clear we should it
0:27:06should look like you know it's like a
0:27:07tiger trap right it should be like
0:27:09terrain and then like oh hey you know
0:27:12free free jail or Cabernet from a few
0:27:14months ago we get in those tiny little
0:27:17holes and then they they can't get out
0:27:19and I just you know what i do i just put
0:27:20it right in the compost bin all this is
0:27:23accomplished don't worry
0:27:24oh really oh so you put in a disposable
0:27:27double disguised it's not disposable
0:27:30take it out eventually I got the
0:27:31presence of mind
0:27:32icic know you
0:27:33put it right in the competence literally
0:27:35it's in there I god you're not kidding
0:27:37around
0:27:38it's just compost come on in sure hey
0:27:40it's just another little jar of wine
0:27:42here's the thing and why do we have
0:27:44fruit flies well we take the compost out
0:27:47like pretty regularly and then we got we
0:27:49got one of those that matter we got one
0:27:50of those garbage cans were you pop it up
0:27:52and it's got the two of those fancy
0:27:54garbage cans when you open with your
0:27:55foot one side is garbage and recycling
0:27:58we use the other side for compost we try
0:28:00to take that regularly but you also
0:28:01gotta wash out the actual can is that
0:28:03detris will attract many of these are
0:28:05various formats now my concern is why so
0:28:08many fruit flies we need that much fruit
0:28:10and we take out the compost pretty
0:28:12officer now my concern is is there
0:28:13something else rotting somewhere that I
0:28:15don't know about you see what the oh yes
0:28:16i do i do it you know and a circle of
0:28:19life hakuna matata you don't get one
0:28:21kind of varmint varmints attract other
0:28:22varmints see environments beget varmints
0:28:24that's our bible it is it's in crazy ass
0:28:27tease you get some of the B's i don't
0:28:29know i did not know this
0:28:30I was admonished uh almost exactly two
0:28:33years ago I helped shop around a field
0:28:35trip to the pumpkin patch and you know
0:28:38who loves pumpkin patches is a yellow
0:28:40jackets
0:28:41yeah and our group of five year olds
0:28:45were were set upon by Yellowjackets one
0:28:48kid got the shit stayed out of him
0:28:50oh yeah yeah and so I'm gonna be the
0:28:52hero I'm whacking and wavin so first of
0:28:55all I learned a I'm hearing you tell me
0:28:56you this comports with your information
0:28:58your knowledge base number one like
0:29:00don't don't wave and whack at a yellow
0:29:03jacket because that just makes him mad
0:29:05and or attract them there be
0:29:07you ready for this don't smash yellow
0:29:08jacket because guess what happens
0:29:10oh the other yellow jacket there they
0:29:13get mad and they're attracted they smell
0:29:14a dead yellowjacket apparently that
0:29:16makes the swarm on you
0:29:17yeah yeah you've you've heard my tour
0:29:20stories right about driving through the
0:29:22Midwest certain times of the year
0:29:24certain times of the year when you when
0:29:27the big bugs around
0:29:28oh yeah right right when your when your
0:29:30windshield is just covered with all
0:29:32these it's just it's just caked with it
0:29:34like out like the top of a German
0:29:36chocolate cake with just dad bugs of
0:29:39every size and shape and then when you
0:29:40stop to get gas or to go into get a-goin
0:29:46to get into the hot case and get some
0:29:48JoJo's uh-huh you come back out on the
0:29:51front of your vehicle is just swarmed
0:29:53with yellow jackets because they're
0:29:55there to eat the other bugs the dead
0:29:58bugs features a dick
0:29:59it's terrible and so then you're trying
0:30:01to get back into your vehicle with like
0:30:03Yellow Jackets everywhere and you can't
0:30:05keep them out and so then you're driving
0:30:07across the country with like Yellow
0:30:09Jackets of the car which is not good for
0:30:11anybody being on tour is really not as
0:30:14glamorous as it sounds i've been in your
0:30:17van i know that my you have been in the
0:30:19van that's right gettin the band
0:30:21yeah I hmm i don't know i could be
0:30:24carbon monoxide I should probably get
0:30:26checked out but then my feeling is and
0:30:27like this just just tell you where I am
0:30:29in life I got okay well like now I start
0:30:31having a sense so it's probably carbon
0:30:33monoxide i'm probably i'm probably
0:30:34haunted by elements might also wanted by
0:30:37elements that's the thing i had never
0:30:39considered so like now I let's say I
0:30:41find out we got carbon monoxide what am
0:30:43I gonna do about it
0:30:44like how we gonna get the furnace vented
0:30:47better who you know and it's where I
0:30:50become irrational where I i start
0:30:53compartmentalizing and thinking maybe if
0:30:56I don't if I don't if I don't look for
0:30:58the mouse the there won't be a mouse
0:31:00well thank you know eisenberg
0:31:02uncertainty nice haha strangers
0:31:05strangers fruit fly the news as soon as
0:31:08you look at the mouse is a fifty percent
0:31:10chance of a mouse there that's right
0:31:12that's just science that's precisely
0:31:13right and and what happens is because of
0:31:17spooky action at a distance this mouse
0:31:19and other mice are all in the same
0:31:22orientation
0:31:23oh yeah so as soon as you look at this
0:31:26mouse you have also predetermined he the
0:31:29posture of mice sometimes very far away
0:31:33it's a kind of predestination it's in
0:31:35and it's impossible to know who which is
0:31:37the great thing about physics so much of
0:31:39it is impossible to know that's
0:31:41comforting me a lot of ways i'm talking
0:31:42Mouse physics now
0:31:44no I understand but I also feel like in
0:31:45the same way that you have let's be
0:31:46honest let's go back a little bit you
0:31:48have established a certain kind of of a
0:31:49date aren't you know you know a a
0:31:54you know you've got a separate piece
0:31:55that you've made with various kinds of
0:31:57animals you in the raccoons you in the
0:31:59crows you've worked some things out you
0:32:00look each other
0:32:01I feel the same way I feel like spiders
0:32:02are like anchovies let's work this out i
0:32:04don't mean the kind of swimming kind i
0:32:06mean the kind you get the california
0:32:07pizza
0:32:07sure let's move that salty ones let's
0:32:09make a deal here we're not gonna
0:32:10surprise each other right that's the
0:32:13thing i think we should I think we
0:32:14should have a way where we could say
0:32:16almost like like a couple who wants to
0:32:18get divorced has to live together you
0:32:19stay in this room you have that room you
0:32:21have that room you know what you can
0:32:23have the bathroom all night long as long
0:32:25as you don't jump on me if I urinate in
0:32:27the middle of the night
0:32:28that's the good part of the anchovies
0:32:29but the spiders but sure to meet similar
0:32:31principle if you order a Caesar salad
0:32:33who you got to expect that you're gonna
0:32:35get spiders on it's right there on the
0:32:3610 says Caesar it's going to have
0:32:38anchovies in it but if you order a pizza
0:32:40you have no there's you there's no
0:32:42reason that you should have to find an
0:32:45anchovy or a spider or spite if a spider
0:32:48left out of your Caesar salad you what
0:32:50you would want to have words spiders are
0:32:52the anchovies of the house pets
0:32:54I couldn't agree more yeah I feel like
0:32:56my relationship with raccoons and crows
0:32:59is based primarily on in the raccoons
0:33:02case the opposable thumb and the fact
0:33:05that it looks at me knowingly and I've
0:33:07seen them in action enough over the
0:33:09years and I feel like we need to reach
0:33:12an accommodation i will allow you to
0:33:16have a tremendously way in my world and
0:33:20you let me pass and maybe one day I will
0:33:24call upon you for a favor
0:33:25mhm the crows on the other hand are I
0:33:30think running the whole show
0:33:31I think a Crow's mind moves very quickly
0:33:34yeah we we we've talked about this
0:33:37before well a little bit yeah but you
0:33:40know today they're running the whole
0:33:42show the more I see the way they work
0:33:44the more I feel like a lot of the a lot
0:33:48of the mysteries are just the crows like
0:33:52you know Lena path understanding crows
0:33:55could explain a lot
0:33:57I think it could be nice and like you
0:33:58some context for this I show up at my
0:34:00daughter school pickup as I do every
0:34:01afternoon and it's taking up at the time
0:34:04it's after snack
0:34:06the children have left the play
0:34:07ground and now there's lots of children
0:34:09garbage and children foods and like
0:34:11little bits of lists of sticky things
0:34:13all over the place because they just did
0:34:15they just had their snack
0:34:16yeah and there are there are very few
0:34:18children but there are three kinds of
0:34:20birds in this space you got your pigeons
0:34:22which is your fat urban pitch in your
0:34:24big basic flying rat dumb as a bag of
0:34:27hammers pigeon you got some seagulls who
0:34:30seemed disoriented and not entirely sure
0:34:31why they're out there so confused right
0:34:34you got seagulls because we're doing
0:34:35Rick oh they're there they're super its
0:34:37John here they're they're yummy to be a
0:34:39super you there are no small seabird Oh
0:34:41only small parts know and and then and
0:34:44then and then add in fewer in number but
0:34:48much greater enforce you see these
0:34:51little fellas up here on the corner
0:34:53there looking down and you see the crows
0:34:55and they're just they're watching
0:34:56everything that's not fucking heckle and
0:34:58Jeckle oh I know yeah thnkx for Magpies
0:35:00technically it's a magpie different from
0:35:02a crow I think they are very different
0:35:03set of the diagram of this and I should
0:35:05probably pull that is you know they're
0:35:07like the Crows they're like the racist
0:35:08crows in dumbo okay yeah and so the the
0:35:12pigeons the pigeons are our I don't know
0:35:14how the picture I just keep waiting for
0:35:15the mechanic fall over and forget how to
0:35:17live there they're not super bright
0:35:18they're walking around there like eating
0:35:20bottle caps and shit you get the
0:35:21seagulls who are sort of like the the
0:35:24the the meth users of the playground and
0:35:27then way up on high
0:35:28you've got these crows they're just
0:35:30taking their time they are they're on a
0:35:31different time scale they are seeing
0:35:33everything is moving slowly they're like
0:35:35Paul Sorvino right oh that's right
0:35:37that's all I didn't move fast because he
0:35:38didn't happen with fast he was like a
0:35:39crow now probably watching everything's
0:35:41going right across he's not going to
0:35:43just fly down me to french fry he's
0:35:45gonna watch the french fry for you to
0:35:46learn about the french fries he's gonna
0:35:47see who's interested in the french fries
0:35:49and remember that he's gonna tell his
0:35:50friends you meet back at the parking lot
0:35:52over by the safeway there's gonna be
0:35:53some serious high-level crow discussions
0:35:55well that french fry and what I noticed
0:35:56about crows is that they will let a
0:35:58seagull eat the french fry
0:36:01uh-huh they are not like they see a
0:36:04french fry there watching it
0:36:05they're learning about seagull comes in
0:36:07each the french fry the crows not
0:36:09disappointed he learned there's always
0:36:11more french fries
0:36:12he's gonna know he knows more about that
0:36:13French rather than that seagull will
0:36:15ever know like Lex Luthor you can even
0:36:18read the candy wrapper and in the
0:36:21about the secrets of life i don't really
0:36:22know much about the DC Universe missing
0:36:25anything
0:36:26so here's the thing that I don't here's
0:36:30what I learned over the past year is
0:36:34that i do not have very much respect for
0:36:37opossums the one thing about possums
0:36:40than I do respect is that i have seen a
0:36:43possum and a cat live in harmony with
0:36:50one another
0:36:51I've watched a possum and a cat
0:36:53encounter one another in my own yard and
0:36:56it wasn't like all the way to
0:36:59hail-fellow-well-met but it certainly
0:37:02was that they each had diplomatic papers
0:37:06that a lack of move freely they can move
0:37:10freely and that surprised me because i
0:37:14would not see a possum in a cat III
0:37:17would not imagine that they occupied the
0:37:20same emotional space but it seemed like
0:37:24they really did and so I went to my
0:37:26mother
0:37:27the sage and I said possum and cat
0:37:30described and she's and then I said
0:37:35activate over who and she said at one
0:37:39point in her life she had several cats
0:37:42that she fed outside and that the cats
0:37:45and the possums would eat out of the
0:37:48same bowl at the same time I was like
0:37:51okay that is there's something going on
0:37:55in nature where where those two species
0:37:58have reached an agreement made a tall
0:38:01and I and increases my respect for the
0:38:07possum as it decreases my respect for
0:38:10the cat right like and that's an idea
0:38:14and i don't mean to be colonial here
0:38:17no no I know I mean unite were from a
0:38:19you know a different time yeah that's
0:38:21right we're from an earlier age we
0:38:22learned about the world in different
0:38:23language but so I've had a very
0:38:27momentous week you know a little bit of
0:38:31this story
0:38:32I don't know if you want to talk about
0:38:33it it's a
0:38:34it's crazy story too crazy story but and
0:38:39it's not it's not even it's not the
0:38:41entirety of how momentous this week has
0:38:43been just a I'm a little curious how you
0:38:45gonna pivot from cats and possible to
0:38:48your filson bag but I'm here
0:38:50yeah okay well so a last November I saw
0:39:01a possum in my yard and this is a this
0:39:05is prior to my mom's closing up all the
0:39:10holes
0:39:10oh this is when you work your we were
0:39:12just the time you're waiting for your
0:39:14facing it down
0:39:15you're like you're sitting there at
0:39:17night in a doorway waiting for the
0:39:19possum waiting for the possum because I
0:39:21wanted to see I wanted to track its
0:39:23behavior because at this time in my life
0:39:25I was fairly pro possum and I was like
0:39:27there's possibly art he's coming around
0:39:29I would like to know more about his
0:39:32behavior so I don't like if somebody
0:39:35wanted to date your daughter with all
0:39:36respect that you would say you know this
0:39:37is something we can talk about but first
0:39:39we need to sit we need to sit down
0:39:40that's right we dash couple things out
0:39:42yeah i'm gonna watch your reactions to
0:39:45the following questions and while you're
0:39:47doing that I'm also going to be playing
0:39:51with a dagger on the coffee table
0:39:54tell me using only single words but how
0:39:57you feel about my doctor by so i watch
0:40:01this possum and I guess this is the time
0:40:03when I first sort of see the possum
0:40:05encountering the cat and I'm like that
0:40:08you know it's Wild Kingdom back here
0:40:10I'm learning a lot the raccoons are very
0:40:14clearly watching this all go down from
0:40:16their perch on the trees and they've got
0:40:19no dog in the race right there just
0:40:22taking it all in
0:40:24but the opossum is a dingaling and he's
0:40:28blind but he's out there the cats out
0:40:31there and then I then the possible goes
0:40:32under the house and I'm like oh shit
0:40:37possums under the house
0:40:40that's no good and then a right around
0:40:43the fear the late autumn i hear the
0:40:48possum in the walls and like fuck I was
0:40:52watching the possum
0:40:54I had a pretty good bead on him and then
0:40:57the possum faked me out and moved into
0:41:00the house and because of the way my
0:41:03house is constructed there there was the
0:41:06original house and then there was the
0:41:07addition to the house the original House
0:41:09was built in nineteen twelve and then
0:41:12the addition was built in nineteen
0:41:13thirty but what they did is they put the
0:41:14addition on the side of the house where
0:41:17the chimney was and the chimney goes all
0:41:20the way down
0:41:21you know that's the first thing they
0:41:24build the chimney is down there and what
0:41:27had formerly been the outside of the
0:41:29chimney is now enclosed inside of wall
0:41:31and the possum gun under the house and
0:41:33then went up the chimney but inside the
0:41:37house
0:41:39so anyway the possums in there and he
0:41:42scrubbing around these scribbling and
0:41:44scrubbing and I can hear him or her i
0:41:46think it's her huh
0:41:48just by the way she carries herself yeah
0:41:50and so the winner goes on and i'm not i
0:41:55haven't reconciled my self all the way
0:41:59to like called environment people
0:42:01because i feel like this possum is going
0:42:04to this possum is just here for a little
0:42:05bit just visiting and then she's going
0:42:08to move on but she didn't she stuck
0:42:11around and I could hear ourselves still
0:42:13just a single possum as far as i know
0:42:16who their solitary animals but I hear
0:42:19her and it's nice unless they got a
0:42:21brood well see this is here at night
0:42:26scription script script script like
0:42:32but i but I don't call the critter
0:42:34control because I just feel like listen
0:42:36this is just a temporary situation i'm
0:42:39going to pretend that this isn't
0:42:40happening
0:42:42so one night I'm in my house and I here
0:42:45and opossums making a lot of noise and
0:42:46I'm like I've got dammit ok ok possum we
0:42:50have with we cross the threshold but I
0:42:54was leaving to go on the jonathan
0:42:58coulton Cruz not this is a at this point
0:43:01februari this is Perry this is not I was
0:43:04not leaving the next day I was leaving
0:43:06at very early in the morning the
0:43:08following day so I was lying in bed and
0:43:09I'm like you've only got one day
0:43:11tomorrow to deal with all the stuff you
0:43:13need to deal with before you leave on a
0:43:16long cruise and you can't deal with this
0:43:18possum right now and that sucks she's
0:43:21she's really making noise in the wall
0:43:24and I am mad but I have to just roll
0:43:27over and go back to sleep because this
0:43:29possum is not a thing I can handle right
0:43:32now I feel like such an active maturity
0:43:34to go you know as much this is driving
0:43:36me nuts
0:43:37I'm gonna put aside the scratchy
0:43:38scratchy and I'm gonna I'm gonna be an
0:43:40adult homeowner and go to sleep because
0:43:41i have to go get a boat their stuff to
0:43:43do
0:43:43whereas any any other night literally
0:43:45like any other night you would have been
0:43:47out there with the 10,000 watt
0:43:48flashlight trying to find this thing
0:43:50that's right this would have been that
0:43:52this was the moment where I was like
0:43:53alright games games over
0:43:56I'm coming in I'm dumb I'm I'm chasing
0:44:00you down so the next morning pretty
0:44:04early in the morning I my phone rings
0:44:06and unlike most of them in there and I
0:44:10think because i was about to leave on
0:44:11the cruise I was like I'd better not let
0:44:13everything go to voicemail better answer
0:44:15the phone because i'm leaving and if
0:44:19this is some thing that needs to be
0:44:21dealt with I should know and a pay phone
0:44:24in the the person on the other line says
0:44:26this is john Roderick to you you know I
0:44:29and with the following birthday to run
0:44:32around like yeah who's this and she says
0:44:34I'm from these around from american
0:44:37express and your American Express card
0:44:39is being used to buy gasoline
0:44:43somewhere and they didn't know your zip
0:44:48code or whatever and we're calling to
0:44:49find out if that's you and I was like
0:44:51what impossible she said well somebody
0:44:54just tried to buy gas with it in some
0:44:57other or some neighboring town I was
0:45:00like wow
0:45:00let me let me get to the bottom of this
0:45:02and so I wake up and I go downstairs
0:45:04because you know when I come into the
0:45:06house the first thing i do is take off
0:45:08my pants uh-huh so my pants are down
0:45:12stairs my get downstairs and I'm I'm
0:45:16still asleep and I'm looking around and
0:45:18like the back door is open and then I
0:45:22realized that the house has been rifled
0:45:25and i'm on the phone with american
0:45:28express and I'm like my house has been
0:45:30robbed and she's like oh I'm sorry
0:45:33well do you want us to cancel the card I
0:45:35was like yes cancel everything and then
0:45:38I'm standing there in the early morning
0:45:40with the realization that while i was in
0:45:43the house i had been broken into and
0:45:48ransacked and i had heard them and I
0:45:53thought it was the possum and I rolled
0:45:55over and went back to sleep after two
0:46:00decades of hyper nighttime vigilance
0:46:05where I was up a perimeter checking
0:46:10walking around my yard in a bathrobe and
0:46:12a sword
0:46:13nothing happened in any of the
0:46:16neighborhood's I've lived in at night
0:46:17with where I didn't know it watch it
0:46:21report on it this one instance where the
0:46:26possum had distracted me with her with
0:46:31her occupation I rolled over and went
0:46:34back to sleep
0:46:35the one time I have been like robbed
0:46:39while I'm in the house and so of course
0:46:42it's a it's feeling a violation but more
0:46:47than that like it is
0:46:49totally against my brand like I'm
0:46:55sitting upstairs in a room literally
0:46:57bristling with weapons
0:47:01I've been in some ways waiting for
0:47:04someone to break into my house for the
0:47:06last 20 years so that i could choose the
0:47:09saber and here i am just like the
0:47:16fucking possum
0:47:17it's some kind of mind to treat twister
0:47:21ooh and so then I realized should i'm
0:47:25leaving on the cruise tomorrow at 7am
0:47:27and i'm searching my house and they
0:47:30stoled my passport they stole my
0:47:33passport and my wallet which had all my
0:47:36ID in it they stole my computer which i
0:47:40didn't care about or my uh ipad which I
0:47:44didn't care about they stole my entire
0:47:47sonos stereo system you're kidding
0:47:52the whole thing they SAT and took the
0:47:53time to unhook the whole sort of thought
0:47:55no one was home
0:47:57well but they never came up stairs and
0:47:59upstairs i have that's the real vault
0:48:02enough said so they knew I was on so I
0:48:11call the cops and also in addition to
0:48:14that stuff they took my challenge coins
0:48:18they took a box of my dad's political
0:48:23lapel pins and type ad tight acts like
0:48:27Hubert Humphrey tie tack and uh you know
0:48:32like Truman beats Dewey lapel button all
0:48:38this you know this this whole like a box
0:48:41of little pins that he collected and
0:48:46then I collected took that
0:48:49took like some like a collection of
0:48:54foreign currency that wasn't worth
0:48:57anything it was just a collection of
0:48:58foreign currency and they took my
0:49:01hundred ounce silver ingot that i was
0:49:04using as a doorstop that for 20 years
0:49:07I've been using as a doorstop and my mom
0:49:09has said over the whole 20 years
0:49:11somebody's gonna steal that one of these
0:49:13days and I'm like nobody knows what it
0:49:15is a 200-ounce ingot like no crook is
0:49:22going to know what it is it's just a
0:49:24just a punk
0:49:25well they do what it was and they took
0:49:28it and so but of all everything I most
0:49:33devastated by the passport because a i'm
0:49:36traveling out of the country in a day
0:49:37but be that passport was in its it was
0:49:43trending toward its retirement
0:49:46it's got all the stamps everything it's
0:49:49the passport is nine years and six
0:49:51months old it is this trip I was the
0:49:54jungle cruise was going to be the last
0:49:56time I traveled on it and then it was
0:49:58going to go in the shoebox I was going
0:50:00to get a new one it had stamps of all
0:50:04the rock-and-roll touring it had stamped
0:50:07from from not just from South America
0:50:10but from all of the other from the time
0:50:12i went to an easy chair and Djibouti and
0:50:15Ethiopia just recently it was very
0:50:18important to be in this path all gone
0:50:21and so I spent that entire day running
0:50:26around town I went to the DMV and I was
0:50:28like I need your driver's license and i
0:50:29SAT for the photograph and filled out
0:50:33all the forms and then i went up to the
0:50:35counter I was like great can I get this
0:50:36enhanced drivers license because that
0:50:39will at least allow me to everyone that
0:50:40has the passport billions
0:50:42yeah and they said Oh we'll send it to
0:50:44you in 15 days and I was like what
0:50:46now I just want to I just spent two
0:50:48hours at the DM fucking be and your and
0:50:52you can't give it to me today and
0:50:53they're like what
0:50:54No
0:50:54and ice and I'm thinking back to like my
0:50:57first driver's license
0:50:59I'm thinking back to all the drivers
0:51:01licenses i have had over the years and
0:51:03and I'm not crazy
0:51:05they used to give them to you right then
0:51:07they would take your picture they would
0:51:09laminate them
0:51:10it did rain funny you want you want to
0:51:12come out a little dingus here you go
0:51:14and they're like no no nowadays we mail
0:51:16them to you 15 days around like this
0:51:17doesn't help me i'm burning daylight
0:51:19here so I run down to the passport
0:51:24office and I'm like look I know you can
0:51:26expedite this can you do it in to do it
0:51:29today and they're like oh sure for 11
0:51:32hundred dollars or whatever I was like
0:51:35okay let's do it and then i'm down at
0:51:37the getting my picture taken at a kinkos
0:51:39I'm just I'm so frazzled by this point
0:51:42but i do get a passport and I am and I
0:51:47and I question whether i should go right
0:51:49of course I i was amazed that you came
0:51:52it was like I'm gonna go on the cruise
0:51:54like I'm just gonna there's nothing i
0:51:57can do I can't hunt for the burglar
0:52:00I don't know how you did that I mean
0:52:01when I heard this I think probably from
0:52:04Jonathan I or maybe maybe Paul that
0:52:08anyway I was just like I was just
0:52:10sitting there thinking like I got you
0:52:11know you know me like before i travel i
0:52:12mean I'm frenetic about everything and
0:52:14yeah the money stuff in the time stuff
0:52:17and everything stuff and I just cannot
0:52:19imagine you knowing that like you didn't
0:52:20have credit cards you didn't have ID and
0:52:23just if anything else just a sense of
0:52:24like wanting to let go
0:52:25burrow into your bed with a sword and
0:52:28and like this process what happened I
0:52:31couldn't believe you were able to walk
0:52:32away without really processing that well
0:52:35and in a way it was a lesson for me of
0:52:37like how all this talk that we have done
0:52:40over the years about the materialism
0:52:45that has infected my life my thrifting a
0:52:49habit and the fact that I I no longer
0:52:54have five personal items that I have
0:52:57imbued with significance i have 500 that
0:53:00I have imbued with all the significance
0:53:02it's like this thing and that thing and
0:53:04that thing and remember the time I
0:53:05bought that thing and this was the play
0:53:07know what I
0:53:08my first kiss when i had my first case
0:53:11kiss in april of last year I had this
0:53:13thing on
0:53:15you know just like this mania of
0:53:17attaching emotional significance to
0:53:20physical objects as a way of keeping the
0:53:22demon dogs at bay but in that moment I
0:53:25realized I don't give a shit about
0:53:26anything like it all burns down i don't
0:53:28care i just want that passport back
0:53:30because it has the that really does have
0:53:33emotional significance and you know and
0:53:37that surrounds that silver bar because i
0:53:40bought in 1982 with the money I saved
0:53:42from mowing lawns but like computer
0:53:45who cares burn it and and so I just said
0:53:52I'm leaving and I don't know I had a
0:53:53very interesting conversation with the
0:53:55police they showed up right away I was a
0:53:58female lead officer who said well this
0:54:01is probably a method to come into a
0:54:04house where there's someone inside is
0:54:07totally desperate behavior this person
0:54:11is going to end up dead or these people
0:54:13are going to end up dead it's insane to
0:54:16do and so it has to just be drugs and
0:54:19but the problem was it was it was
0:54:23diabolical this person found the one
0:54:25window in my house that didn't have an
0:54:29alarm on it that was where the where the
0:54:32windowsill was a little bit rotten or
0:54:35dry rotted because all the windows in
0:54:37the house are original and they took a
0:54:40footlocker off of my porch moved it
0:54:44around under the window jammed a shovel
0:54:48that they found in my barn
0:54:50oh my god pop the window and so I would
0:54:55end they waited for my timed lights that
0:54:59I have around the house to go off which
0:55:01they went off it they go they were time
0:55:02to go off at 3am and so my sense was
0:55:05holy ship at my house has been cased
0:55:08they've been watching me for weeks i had
0:55:11no idea I was scanning my brain for like
0:55:13have there been any suspicious cars i
0:55:15would have noticed because this is my
0:55:17brand right
0:55:19who are these
0:55:21geniuses and then the suggestion arose I
0:55:24forget who made it first but it was made
0:55:27by several people do you think it's a
0:55:30rock on the line listener because the
0:55:33items they took are exactly the things
0:55:38that up that a either crazy or
0:55:42diabolical Roderick on the line listener
0:55:45would take your silver bar your passport
0:55:48your dad's political pins
0:55:51this is like crazy land maybe it's some
0:55:56radical the line mr. who has
0:55:58triangulated to your house and is either
0:56:02obsessed or is so is such a criminal
0:56:09mastermind that they are doing this to
0:56:12get your attention as some kind of like
0:56:15like they are mind gaming you and I was
0:56:20like oh no I cannot consider that
0:56:22possibility because I know there are a
0:56:24lot of very smart rhetoric on the line
0:56:26listeners who have myriad talents i do
0:56:31not want to think about this so i went
0:56:34on the cruise
0:56:35well how'd you how'd you how'd you end
0:56:37up on that theory
0:56:38I mean did you did you do it had you at
0:56:41length discarded that I mean it's just
0:56:43that the the I mean is there a chance I
0:56:45know this sounds like a long shot but if
0:56:47it is somebody who's you know a method
0:56:50as they say is there a chance they just
0:56:52got really lucky
0:56:53well I dismissed that possibility above
0:56:56all else I imagined that it was three
0:56:59people because of the way the house was
0:57:03rifled I just felt like their unhooking
0:57:07the sono system-based another that they
0:57:10had staged a guitar by the back door but
0:57:12I think I probably rustled in bed or
0:57:15they got spooked or something and they
0:57:16ran out but not before all and they
0:57:19stole my filson bag which I think they
0:57:23probably put everything in order that
0:57:25they put the ingot and the passport in
0:57:27took the Wilson
0:57:29anyway so i came back i had to go
0:57:32through all the rigmarole i went to the
0:57:35bathroom and got a costco card got all
0:57:38my new credit cards all changed all my
0:57:41passwords had to go in and change all
0:57:45the auto payments to the new credit
0:57:47cards just a man major hassle but the
0:57:49worst part was even though i goin on the
0:57:53cruise was gone for whatever 10 days
0:57:55after the theft when I came back the
0:57:57feeling it was still very raw
0:57:59I couldn't sleep at night I was that it
0:58:07wasn't just that i was waking up at
0:58:08night i would just lay there and
0:58:09couldn't sleep i was waiting for them to
0:58:12come back
0:58:13also they took my car keys and had
0:58:17ransacked the car
0:58:19oh my god so this is this is why i'm
0:58:22thinking like there's gotta be three of
0:58:23them there wasn't anything in the car
0:58:25except they accept some like Chinese
0:58:28money that they took I was like all
0:58:33right good luck spending that they don't
0:58:37they're not even really uh that's not
0:58:39even real money they're not even on Iran
0:58:40a real international exchange rate
0:58:42anyway so I didn't sleep for months
0:58:46honestly and i reinforced all the
0:58:50windows on the house and I read up call
0:58:53the all the Tiger traps and I just like
0:58:57but it but I never felt safe and
0:59:01fortunately that night my daughter
0:59:03wasn't staying there it was just me
0:59:05alone in the house that night but I just
0:59:09felt always a little bit on edge and I
0:59:12was I was scanning my neighbors faces
0:59:15like you know it was bad right
0:59:20ok so i run for office attention
0:59:22especially one thing of course um I mean
0:59:25you always hear the stories about what
0:59:26please tell you about well how it's
0:59:28likely to go one way or another
0:59:29what was the general prognosis from the
0:59:32police about catching the person and
0:59:34potentially getting any stuff back so a
0:59:36couple things that the officer the
0:59:38Seattle officer said they took your car
0:59:41keys and that means two nights from now
0:59:42there
0:59:43come steal your car so you gotta get
0:59:44your cart you get your car rekey and so
0:59:49there were a lot of things that I had to
0:59:52do I had to set in motion before I went
0:59:55on the cruise I called some friends I
0:59:56was like can you get my car rekeyed can
0:59:58you get my house rekeyed
0:59:58you get my house rekeyed
1:00:00because they stole the house keys to and
1:00:03my a by good friends were like yes this
1:00:06is a pain in the ass but i understand
1:00:08and i will do these things for you and
1:00:10so my car got rekeyed my house got
1:00:12rekeyed while I was gone
1:00:13the detective not detective I'm sorry
1:00:16that you know the patrol officer found a
1:00:19pair of rubber gloves in the guard and
1:00:22she said oh this is good because
1:00:25typically they wear rubber gloves to
1:00:28avoid leaving fingerprints and then they
1:00:30take the rubber gloves off and throw
1:00:31them on the ground which now have which
1:00:33have fingerprints and so we're going to
1:00:35take the fingerprints and we're going to
1:00:37you know start a case and burp
1:00:39interpreter you probably never see this
1:00:42stuff again but it'll be you know if we
1:00:45if we get a match we can prosecute so
1:00:48when I got back I called the detective
1:00:50that it had been assigned to got the
1:00:53detectives voicemail left a voicemail
1:00:54never got a call back
1:00:56I had I'd catalogued all the serial
1:00:59numbers of the things i sent them i
1:01:01called pawn shops around no hits so i
1:01:09reconciled myself to the fact that these
1:01:13things were gone but all year
1:01:15I'm walking around I'm thinking passport
1:01:18come back to me can if you can find me
1:01:22find me because i lost my first Passport
1:01:28I was at a house party in in moscow
1:01:30idaho in 1990 and i lost my first
1:01:32passport and that passport had all the
1:01:36stamp set from my first trip overseas
1:01:38which was back during a time when you
1:01:42still got a passport stamped when you
1:01:44went from port from portugal spain or
1:01:46you still got a passport stamp when you
1:01:48went from France to Belgium like they're
1:01:50still passport controls between all
1:01:52those European countries that now there
1:01:54are none so I was getting all these what
1:01:57I later learned to treasure which was
1:02:01these old fashions and like just prior
1:02:05to the institution of the European Union
1:02:09passport stamps including morocco I got
1:02:13there's a visa and therefore algeria
1:02:15back in the eighties you know and I went
1:02:19to East Germany several times East
1:02:23Berlin like all this stuff in there and
1:02:27I'll unlost this fucking Passport at a
1:02:30party because i was drunk and who knows
1:02:36and it has haunted me that this because
1:02:40i have all my dad's passports i have my
1:02:42dad's first passport from 1948 and and
1:02:46every subsequent renewal of his passport
1:02:48I it's like it makes a little book not a
1:02:52little book a big book and and i love
1:02:56them i love his old passports and I
1:02:59wanted the same collection for myself
1:03:01and the first one that the you know the
1:03:04foundation the Keystone is gone and now
1:03:09I'd lost my second one and it actually I
1:03:12mean I have one in the middle i have a
1:03:14have right have expected that would be
1:03:16the other one from the walk
1:03:17that's the one from the walk from the
1:03:19early days of rock-and-roll touring I
1:03:21mean that's the that's a key key key one
1:03:24but then I lost my third passport and
1:03:27and when i was on the cruise I honestly
1:03:29was having this was having this thing of
1:03:31like god are you trying to teach me
1:03:34something about the impermanence of
1:03:37things are you trying to teach me that
1:03:40that the passport is meaningless because
1:03:46the memories matter and are you trying
1:03:49to teach me that if the passport is
1:03:51meaningless than all material items are
1:03:53meaningless is this ugh is this you god
1:03:56it's me margaret are you trying to just
1:04:01slap me across the face with a fish
1:04:05that's one thing to be taught a lesson
1:04:07by God and nothing to not be sure what
1:04:10the lesson is about or four
1:04:11yeah yeah well that I feel like when
1:04:13lessons usually have a reason when God
1:04:15works it is in mysterious ways
1:04:17who and i'm just i'm sitting on this
1:04:20boat in the in the middle of the
1:04:21Caribbean
1:04:23can still showered in privileged intent
1:04:26in my life is great but i'm asking God
1:04:30the serious questions did are you
1:04:34pranking me and it if so it is a bitter
1:04:39pill to swallow
1:04:41anyway so for the last nine months i
1:04:48have been telepathically communicating
1:04:51with my passport
1:04:52I know you're out there i do not have
1:04:55find my iphone for my passport and
1:04:58frankly I find my apple stuff didn't
1:05:02work because whoever stole these things
1:05:04never turn them on
1:05:05well yeah I'm sorry to interrupt your
1:05:09belabor this but you know i mean my
1:05:11sense is that when you've got things
1:05:14like these property crimes you have a
1:05:17window of almost no time to get any of
1:05:20it back and that that means that
1:05:22generally how it works we're talking
1:05:23here about you know III don't know great
1:05:25about how this works but it seems like
1:05:27anything they're like what may be a
1:05:31sonos sooner shows up you know in a pawn
1:05:34shop or something with a weekend
1:05:36yeah but I mean like maybe i just
1:05:37watched too many you know movies about
1:05:41New York but my sense is that people
1:05:42grab the stuff is valuable and small
1:05:44that you can sell quickly and then just
1:05:45throw everything else away now because I
1:05:47mean you know even if you're dealing
1:05:49like why would you be carrying that
1:05:50around going to sell the silver you're
1:05:52gonna like four for twenty bucks or
1:05:53whatever right isn't that how it works
1:05:55I mean well you know why would any of
1:05:57that stuff ever survived what you know
1:06:00is praying to your passport or you know
1:06:02community at that distance with it it's
1:06:05hopeless
1:06:05gesture right well so there are a couple
1:06:07of their couple possibilities right
1:06:09there this is person is a math person
1:06:10and in which case they are just going to
1:06:13take their stuff probably directly to
1:06:14their dealer and say here is a laptop
1:06:18will you give me some math and the
1:06:20dealer will say yeah sure
1:06:21and the dealer gives him one hundred
1:06:23dollars worth of math
1:06:24and the the junkie gives the dealer a
1:06:272200 dollar computer and then the dealer
1:06:31is mobbed up with the network of fences
1:06:35who the dealer will will get five
1:06:39hundred dollars for it from somebody
1:06:41now in this contemporary contemporary
1:06:45world the world of John siracusa the
1:06:50danger is that the laptop then we'll
1:06:55make its way not to a pawn shop but to a
1:06:58network of Russian hackers right who are
1:07:03primarily interested in it for identity
1:07:05theft and with that narrative running my
1:07:10laptop my passport my wallet which
1:07:14contains not only my enhanced drivers
1:07:16license but also my goes card which is
1:07:21the which is the secret government card
1:07:25that allows me to go through passport
1:07:27control in major airports without even
1:07:31stopping where you just have been pre
1:07:34security checked and you just hold up
1:07:36this car to go bump and you are moving
1:07:39right while while 800 people are lined
1:07:43up to go through passport control it's
1:07:45like you are done and so with a
1:07:48combination of these things some Kenny
1:07:51identity theft people could basically
1:07:55get terrorists onto a plane they could
1:07:59they could take it i start a business
1:08:02under my name they could who knows what
1:08:07they could completely take over my life
1:08:09but it's more than all the physical
1:08:10objects and then it gets into the the
1:08:12ICC the identity stuff but like every
1:08:14conceivable aspect of your life that can
1:08:17be sold for parts could yeah and I'm
1:08:19been so I'm picturing like some chop
1:08:22house outside of Bangkok where they are
1:08:26they are in sizing the picture out of my
1:08:30ID and putting in putting in the picture
1:08:35of
1:08:36the shift and he is you know entering
1:08:42the United States illegally to carry out
1:08:44a extrajudicial assassination of some
1:08:46kind and I'm just like oh this is bad
1:08:49bad bad news if if this material makes
1:08:52its way to an identity thief and just
1:08:54like you with the mouse my ultimate
1:08:57reaction to it was you know what if I
1:09:01pretend the mouse isn't there maybe the
1:09:02mouse isn't there isn't but the thing is
1:09:04that's the thing about this is that you
1:09:06don't you don't know it i mean any part
1:09:10of your your your normal rational brain
1:09:12somebody was telling you this story you
1:09:14go that's that shit's all gone in a dump
1:09:15somewhere
1:09:16yeah right by the rational part the
1:09:18rational part would go well obviously
1:09:19it's you know Oliver Occam's razor like
1:09:22the simple solution for this is that
1:09:24it's all just it's in a landfill except
1:09:27the guy thought whoever he or they were
1:09:30they thought to take the passport
1:09:33it's not like they were just sweeping
1:09:35stuff in like the passport was separate
1:09:38from all the other things in its own
1:09:39location they recognized it's value and
1:09:43it's only value was for this that like
1:09:46this person realizes that somewhere
1:09:49between his dealer and the world
1:09:51offenses there's value in a in a pallet
1:09:55like you think that person might have
1:09:56known that there's a potential market
1:09:57for this
1:09:58oh absolutely they didn't take it
1:09:59because they were like enamored with my
1:10:01visa from Djibouti they were like this
1:10:05has value and they made a mistake with
1:10:07like the challenge coins like my
1:10:10challenge coin from the from the drone
1:10:12base in Ethiopia doesn't really have
1:10:16much value it is just shiny and that's
1:10:20what made me feel like it was
1:10:21potentially someone like a rock on the
1:10:24line listener who had gone to the dark
1:10:25side who was either insane to begin with
1:10:28or had been driven insane by our program
1:10:32this episode of Roderick on the line is
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1:11:59the great shows
1:12:00Squarespace build it beautiful and they
1:12:04were like I am collecting memorabilia of
1:12:07John Roderick from his own house in
1:12:11order to in order to build a scarecrow a
1:12:14golem of him
1:12:16I don't want to hear but that's right
1:12:17like i'm gonna i am going to build an
1:12:19effigy of him which I then use black
1:12:22magic to turn in hair off a brush
1:12:24yeah yeah right exactly I had no idea
1:12:26because you're trying to figure out what
1:12:28they stole two and it's like to think
1:12:30how many scrabble games that i have i
1:12:32fired for scrabble games did they take a
1:12:34scrabble game that would be an
1:12:36indication that it is that it is a
1:12:38unhinged podcast fan because that
1:12:42doesn't have any value on the open
1:12:44anyway
1:12:50four days ago I'm sitting right here at
1:12:54my desk in my office looking at bring a
1:12:56trailer looking at a picture of a 1978
1:12:59mazda RX five and the phone rings and
1:13:04it's another instance it rarely happens
1:13:06but it's an instance where I pick up the
1:13:07phone like that's a weird why am i
1:13:10getting a phone number from a unknown
1:13:12caller and the guys this John Rocker I'm
1:13:18like yeah and he says hi this is
1:13:19detective sakamoto from the renton
1:13:23Police Department I'm like the renton
1:13:25police department and that worries me
1:13:27because my house is close enough to
1:13:29renton and he says I think i have a
1:13:32bunch of your stuff and I'm like what
1:13:35he's like yeah I got a passport here and
1:13:39like some kind of giant a really heavy
1:13:43chunk of metal that has a bunch of
1:13:46serial numbers on it what and a ipad and
1:13:51some other shit stacks of shit and I'm
1:13:56like or a UH are you serious
1:13:59he's like you've got all this stuff and
1:14:00I'm like oh where did you find it and he
1:14:05proceeds to tell me a story
1:14:07my house was broken into january
1:14:12thirtieth on january 31st the day that I
1:14:21left on the cruise a patrolman in
1:14:26written the near a nearby town sees a
1:14:32guy sleeping in a car the cars running
1:14:35and apparently in police land if you're
1:14:39sleeping in a running car that is
1:14:41suspicious
1:14:42that's suspicious enough for an officer
1:14:44to pull up and say what's going on which
1:14:46is funny because i have many many many
1:14:49times in my life been asleep in a in a
1:14:52parked car
1:14:54never been passed by a cop but there's
1:14:56the situation the cop says huh guy
1:15:00sleeping in a car goes overlooks sees
1:15:02that the ignition of the car has been
1:15:04jimmied says well that's enough
1:15:06suspicion to feel like this is a stolen
1:15:08car and it is he arrest the guy for car
1:15:13theft because it i'll just learned it's
1:15:16not illegal to be in a stolen car it is
1:15:20illegal to be in a stolen car if there
1:15:21is enough sign that the car is stolen
1:15:23because you could legitimately claim hey
1:15:27I didn't know it was stolen
1:15:28a guy gave it to me I mean like isn't
1:15:30just how are you see you under arrest
1:15:32for suspicion of stealing heart but if
1:15:35if if you're in a car and the instead of
1:15:38an ignition key it has a kitchen knife
1:15:41great then it's fairly reasonable to
1:15:45conclude that you know it's stolen and
1:15:46therefore you are the stealer of it so
1:15:49they arrest this guy for stealing a car
1:15:51and he's got a meth pipe in the car so
1:15:56that compounds the problem for him and
1:15:58they impound the car and they process
1:16:01the sky for car theft and they
1:16:03prosecuted for it they sent him to jail
1:16:10and then nine months go by and detective
1:16:17akimoto is sitting in his at his desk he
1:16:19is a car theft detective and he gets a
1:16:24call from the property room now in
1:16:27october and they say 1000 that case is
1:16:33closed and we're cleaning out of the
1:16:35shelves and we're going to send all this
1:16:38stuff to the dump or to the auction
1:16:39house but there's enough like there's
1:16:44like paperwork here ideas and stuff you
1:16:47might be able to find this guy and
1:16:49detective okamoto says what what is all
1:16:51that they're like always in the trunk my
1:16:53god nobody connected the stolen car to
1:17:00the trunk full of what is clearly
1:17:03somebody else's shit maybe the car
1:17:05stealer is also a house
1:17:07dealer no one at the police department
1:17:12that's sure not your detective work
1:17:14their lives
1:17:15nobody does the policing oh my goodness
1:17:18and I thing is I don't know I i enjoyed
1:17:21talking to Detective okamoto I learned
1:17:23that he commutes to work on a recumbent
1:17:26bicycle but what I did not learn from
1:17:31anyone there the rent police department
1:17:33was how you would put a bin of a shit
1:17:40including other people's wallets and
1:17:43passports and not do a little bit of
1:17:47research just all went on a shelf
1:17:49somewhere so innovative is the password
1:17:53the passport is in there
1:17:54the passport is there your passport with
1:17:56your name on it and your photograph and
1:17:59information about you was in that
1:18:00passport and we never thought to track
1:18:03down that you might want it back
1:18:05not only my passport but my enhanced
1:18:06drivers license which also has my
1:18:09address on it which is about two miles
1:18:11from where the police are you kidding me
1:18:13no ah
1:18:15it also has my goes card which i have to
1:18:18say i called be a department of homeland
1:18:22security four separate times to cancel
1:18:24my ghost card and the first time it was
1:18:26immediately afterwards and I was like
1:18:28this is an emergency they have my ghost
1:18:29card they could be using it to
1:18:31infiltrate al-qaeda members to the
1:18:34United States and I called the number
1:18:36and the phone picked up and went through
1:18:41have a rear but our department of
1:18:44homeland security
1:18:47it's like a fucking cassette tape and so
1:18:53I sat on the Department of Homeland
1:18:55Security cassette tape phone tree for 45
1:18:58minutes where they're playing like you
1:19:02know like Elton John's lucy in the sky
1:19:04with diamonds and I was finally I was
1:19:08like hey I got other shit to do and I
1:19:10and I got off the phone tree i did that
1:19:13three more times trying to call the
1:19:15Department of Homeland Security to
1:19:16cancel this incredibly important and
1:19:18sensitive document and I finally
1:19:21surrendered and just said you know what
1:19:22if al-qaeda gets into the country by
1:19:25using my ghost card i did that
1:19:28responsibility is shared between me and
1:19:31the Department of fucking Homeland
1:19:32Security a an organization i already
1:19:35have a lot of suspicions about anyway my
1:19:37ghost card is in there too and I never
1:19:39cancelled it so dr. Donna nothing made
1:19:42it to the the Indian chop shop so what
1:19:45made it to the Indian chop shop was my
1:19:46laptop which i am a 100-percent sure he
1:19:50took immediately to the dealer was just
1:19:52like your laptop give me some crank and
1:19:54the dealers like here's some crank and
1:19:55the laptop just made its way into not
1:19:58any kind of identity ring but just like
1:20:00a macbook air you can sell those for
1:20:03something and it just went to some you
1:20:07know like thing is written cops didn't
1:20:09even talk to seattle cops the Seattle
1:20:11cops were in the process of processing
1:20:14the burglary while the written cops were
1:20:17putting the stuff from the burglary on a
1:20:19shelf
1:20:20I don't know how to feel like I really
1:20:24like detective okamoto and I'm even now
1:20:26picturing him riding to work in the rain
1:20:27with his head his helmet which has a
1:20:30little review mirror on it maybe a GoPro
1:20:32a good idea of investigate cars that's
1:20:35all day not having a car
1:20:36mm there's something really really
1:20:38satisfactory about that and I said you
1:20:40ride this thing you write this recumbent
1:20:42bike to work every morning and he said
1:20:43well in all honesty I put it on the
1:20:45train I take it I take the train and
1:20:49then I ride the recumbent bike from the
1:20:50transition to the police station and I'm
1:20:52like you are really he's a japanese
1:20:54company like you are a Northwest a rich
1:20:58all my friends good on you but the
1:21:03policing is where I feel like there is
1:21:06some improvement that could be done and
1:21:08I don't know if it's your fault or the
1:21:09patrol officers fault or or the way you
1:21:12run the property crimes division or I
1:21:14don't know who holds responsible but i
1:21:16think what it was was this was this went
1:21:19into the system as a car theft and then
1:21:22the car theft people handle things a
1:21:24certain way and whoever put it in as a
1:21:27car that didn't also include or you know
1:21:30I don't know they impounded the car
1:21:31somebody I don't know I cannot fathom
1:21:34but you got your passport back so I go
1:21:38down there and I just get all the stuff
1:21:40so what they what I just have been so
1:21:42surreal John totally surreal and
1:21:44including my dad's box of pins like my
1:21:48uh challenge coins my Chinese money the
1:21:55only things that didn't make it back to
1:21:59me where my macbook air as i said and my
1:22:03taxi wallet the entire contents of the
1:22:08wallet minus the money was there all the
1:22:13credit cards all that someone took out
1:22:16all the stuff in your wallet and took
1:22:19the wallet that's how good taxi wallets
1:22:22are and my filson briefcase and when I
1:22:28when the cops were investigating the
1:22:29crime when they were watering around my
1:22:31house and I was like I think they took
1:22:33my sonos and they took my silver bar and
1:22:37of course the cops were like oh really a
1:22:40hundred ounce silver bar how convenient
1:22:41it and I'm like no seriously i had a
1:22:44hundred ounce silver bar use it as a
1:22:45doorstop in there like uh huh
1:22:47really anything that did you also get
1:22:49your Rothko sir
1:22:50yeah did they take your Hope Diamond
1:22:51like go fucking seriously since look at
1:22:57it since I was one of the first things I
1:22:59bought with my own money and they're
1:23:00like oh really and I might look around
1:23:02the house there are dolls of all the
1:23:05United States Presidents here
1:23:06do you really find the their appearances
1:23:08there is a pair of crossed snowshoes
1:23:11above the
1:23:11above the fireplace do you really
1:23:13believe that I don't have a hundred
1:23:14ounce silver bar and the cop had to
1:23:16concede like oh yeah I guess I see how
1:23:18it fits into your decor but then I said
1:23:21I lost a filter filter briefcase and the
1:23:23cop said oh yeah they always steal the
1:23:26field fills and stuff
1:23:27wow I was like really they're like oh
1:23:29yeah it's very identifiable and there's
1:23:31a there's a huge after market for it
1:23:34that's amazing are you kidding me so I
1:23:37see this I see this guy oh so here's the
1:23:39thing detective okamoto says the burglar
1:23:44was Cambodia or location Laotian he
1:23:50actually said location and feeding what
1:23:53he said it and that's that wasn't that
1:23:55wasn't an error on my part and I'm like
1:23:58oh he's he was a Southeast Asian and
1:24:03he's like yeah something like that
1:24:04okay first of all your japanese you
1:24:06should you should have your asian races
1:24:10more dialed than that but that it was
1:24:14not what I expected and my picture of
1:24:18three burglars or my picture of a
1:24:21maniacal rock on the line listener now
1:24:23suddenly was like Boeing it was a guy
1:24:26like a lucky guy from Southeast Asia and
1:24:29now all of a sudden my next-door
1:24:31neighbors who are Vietnamese I'm like
1:24:33wait a minute
1:24:34was it one of the wasn't one of the
1:24:35lowrider guys that hang out over there
1:24:38oh my god like it's like my whole my
1:24:42whole vision of the crime switched
1:24:44around
1:24:44I no longer felt like somebody had been
1:24:47casing my house for weeks i suddenly
1:24:50felt like was this is just a meth crime
1:24:52of opportunity where the person got
1:24:55incredibly lucky pried open the one
1:24:59window that where my my security system
1:25:02because they made they made it around
1:25:05waiting for the light to go out they
1:25:06found a shovel they picked the single
1:25:08all these think this sounds like a
1:25:10fucking mission impossible that
1:25:11absolutely that window and the reason
1:25:13that window was vulnerable was it was
1:25:15painted shut
1:25:16I had never opened that window and I
1:25:17figured it was unopenable but the rotted
1:25:22still allowed them to put the shovel and
1:25:24so I didn't put a lot
1:25:25come on that window because it was a
1:25:26painted shut window but they popped they
1:25:29popped it with the shovel and broke the
1:25:32paint seal and that was the thing that
1:25:34woke me up and I was like this fucking
1:25:37possum has got to go
1:25:40oh so now i am made whole again not only
1:25:46that i have all my shit back and i SAT
1:25:49with the passport and it we had a
1:25:51communion and also by challenge coins
1:25:55and all this other crap ola but i'm also
1:25:59made whole again in the sense that I no
1:26:01longer lay in bed at night thinking that
1:26:03there is a giant conspiracy around my
1:26:07house imagining Russians in Thailand
1:26:12looking at my house from a satellite
1:26:14trying to figure out my comings and
1:26:17goings so that they can best impersonate
1:26:20me right
1:26:21it's just a guy who didn't even have the
1:26:24brains to not fall asleep in his car is
1:26:30stolen car and two I mean one reason
1:26:34that crazy people do things like have
1:26:37ingots of silver is because it's
1:26:39imminently sellable yeah yeah yeah i
1:26:42mean like you know the thing is they you
1:26:44can get your crank dealer your crank
1:26:47connection may give you a couple hundred
1:26:48bucks for a laptop but like boy silver
1:26:51silver is pretty sellable and and the
1:26:53ingot of silver at the at the prices of
1:26:56silver at the time worth more than the
1:26:58laptop a lot more I mean this ingot was
1:27:01just like it is better than currency you
1:27:05could go
1:27:06yeah you could go to a you go to the
1:27:08white homeland with that let's not let's
1:27:11not let's not attract new people to
1:27:13write and then probably this guy
1:27:15wouldn't be welcome at the white
1:27:17homeland no matter how much silver he
1:27:18had his relation
1:27:20that's right is location in any case so
1:27:24that's my week that's only the first
1:27:26thing that happened this week there are
1:27:28two other monumental things but i may i
1:27:30may save that for another episode i
1:27:32think you should so I so here I am just
1:27:36you know like pockets full of challenges
1:27:38mines and a you know on the blacktop
1:27:43gone the film's bag gone but whatever I
1:27:45it's just that small potatoes I got all
1:27:47my solo stuff back like I what I don't
1:27:51even know what to do
1:27:53this is jarring this is very jarring
1:27:55John oh and the cut you know the cops at
1:27:57the rent police department
1:27:58this is the best part of their job right
1:28:00hey we got all your stuff and and I was
1:28:03so grateful and I was just like wow
1:28:05thank you and I loved being in the
1:28:07property room and all the all the
1:28:10cloak-and-dagger of those guys which you
1:28:13have to say is pretty shabby
1:28:14cloak-and-dagger but at least it's like
1:28:16you gotta buzz through the room
1:28:17oh and detective okamoto had his had his
1:28:20hand is magnetized security card in some
1:28:24kind of hip holster who so every time we
1:28:28came to and he wasn't a tall guy every
1:28:30time we came to a door he turned around
1:28:31and hiked up his butt and touch it and
1:28:36the first time I saw the movie I was
1:28:38like oh that's kind of interesting
1:28:39little but then I realized that he does
1:28:42it 40 times a day and he he turns around
1:28:45mic stands up on his tiptoes you guys
1:28:48like a hike in a quarter flip décor he
1:28:50like cox-1 ass cheek in the air and
1:28:55bonks it kind of like sassy sassy disco
1:28:59bonk onto the onto the magnetized and
1:29:03then the door pops open and all that
1:29:06recumbent bike and staying off
1:29:07you said it and by the third or fourth
1:29:11time you did it I was like this is a
1:29:13this rental police department has some
1:29:15fucking sassy shit here
1:29:18it wasn't you know there's not a lot
1:29:21going on down there is seemingly and not
1:29:24so much that they could have
1:29:25investigated this crime a little better
1:29:26yeah but so they returned me all this
1:29:29stuff and so I'm so grateful that i
1:29:33don't i don't sit them said I don't say
1:29:37is their conference room somewhere we
1:29:38could go sit down for a second let me
1:29:40ask you a few questions about this
1:29:41because you could have saved be nine
1:29:48months of
1:29:50hurt feelings by solving this crime when
1:29:54in like and you know mental and psychic
1:29:57self-torture yeah right you could have
1:29:59solved this crime in one day but it took
1:30:04you nine months to realize there had
1:30:06been a crime even though the Seattle
1:30:09Police Department were who never
1:30:10returned my phone calls and by all
1:30:13appearances never did any investigation
1:30:16of any kind but then detective a
1:30:17kimodo's excited he's like oh they maybe
1:30:19have fingerprints
1:30:20maybe I can tie this crime to the guy
1:30:21sounds gettin I'm like yeah you'd have
1:30:25to be getting to write a recumbent bike
1:30:27to work every day