0:00:00[Music]
0:00:05slow hi John I'm Merlin how's it goin
0:00:10good how are you I'm very well early
0:00:14yeah well this is still honestly it's
0:00:17still early for you
0:00:18her yeah um well I mean yeah yeah it's
0:00:23really the thing is I've set all the
0:00:25clocks in my house 10 minutes fast haha
0:00:29like Vince Lombardi and so by so I
0:00:32always I'm running around like our kind
0:00:34of late so late oh oh no and then I then
0:00:38I get you know I get to where I'm going
0:00:41like i sat down here thinking I was 10
0:00:43minutes late for your for your call and
0:00:47then I looked up I was like oh I'm my
0:00:48own time
0:00:48oh wow my plan worked do you know who
0:00:52myself fooling you forget that they're
0:00:55set forward
0:00:56oh yeah i read a biography of us don't
0:01:00lie don't know it's a clock that's why
0:01:02it's not locked cock i've enlisted them
0:01:07in the circuit in my service
0:01:09it's a life hack i am making those
0:01:11clocks but i'm sure that those clocks
0:01:13when they go to clock heaven
0:01:15mhm have to answer to clock st. Peter
0:01:17for all the years that they were 10
0:01:21minutes of as and even still they had to
0:01:25wait because they got there 10 minutes
0:01:27earlier that sounds like a bad irish
0:01:30progress made the clocks be 10 minutes
0:01:32early for your date with Peter the clock
0:01:34st. I juicing Vince Lombardi did this I
0:01:38I'm trying to remember um I've always
0:01:40been a fan of biographies was a little
0:01:41kid I would lose your batteries i
0:01:43remember reading a biography of insolent
0:01:45know this is true i think it's him that
0:01:47supposedly he said his watch forward
0:01:49some n number of minutes like 10 minutes
0:01:52and I i heard that and how are the
0:01:55actual facts in the matter are I started
0:01:57singing all of our clocks forward five
0:01:59minutes because i thought this is
0:02:01brilliant i'll never be late again
0:02:03because all as it is you know even today
0:02:05I'm still late for everything all the
0:02:06time but I but the the crap you've
0:02:10answered the question the question is it
0:02:12seems like you would you would see my
0:02:13problem is I would remember that the
0:02:15five minutes
0:02:17fast and then I would recompensing eight
0:02:21in my lateness and it can make even
0:02:23worse it seems to me that what you could
0:02:25do is is it would be nice to have built
0:02:29a purpose clock that could randomly be a
0:02:31certain amount of fast and I wouldn't
0:02:33know how much right right you can
0:02:36introduce a little entropy of the clock
0:02:38the problem is that a the with this
0:02:40system now is that everybody has a phone
0:02:42and the phone is always exactly right
0:02:44and so but but working in my advantage
0:02:49is that I lose my phone all the time
0:02:51uh-huh so when I look so I having a
0:02:56phone that is always right causes me to
0:02:58forget that I have set the clocks in my
0:03:00house all wrong and i have innumerable
0:03:03clocks in my house
0:03:05partly because I collect clocks and so
0:03:09I'm always looking up at the clock that
0:03:11shaped like the state of Alaska or the
0:03:14clock that is made out of 1964 silver
0:03:17coins em or you know I have a microwave
0:03:21and oven and they both have clocks that
0:03:23are right up of one another and
0:03:26sometimes sometimes I will sit for a
0:03:28full minute with my finger on the Start
0:03:31clock button
0:03:32oh yeah of one of them waiting for the
0:03:34other one to turn so that they are
0:03:35exactly in sync
0:03:36oh my god John i am i'm sorry to say I
0:03:41am so glad you said that I I don't know
0:03:45I've had the reputation i think it's
0:03:47sometimes of being somebody I think it's
0:03:49obviously somebody's tightly wound there
0:03:51are a handful of things that I'm really
0:03:53tightly wound if you like about and one
0:03:56of them is it drives me nuts we've got
0:03:58we've got like a radio on top of the
0:04:00refrigerator which is one of those it's
0:04:01not like a fancy pose but it's one of
0:04:03those like little like nice radios gotta
0:04:05clock
0:04:05yeah you gotta clock on the microwave
0:04:07and it drives me crazy with no match for
0:04:12me to get feels it feels like something
0:04:14is fundamentally wrong something is
0:04:16fundamentally wrong and the clocks note
0:04:18to the Hawks are very upset when the
0:04:20hair here on my desk my private office
0:04:22I've got this
0:04:25this dinguses by ten bucks says atomic
0:04:27clock on it and this clock automatically
0:04:29sets itself using science right science
0:04:33uh-huh is some some protons vibrating at
0:04:36a million miles an hour and that clock
0:04:38knows it now I know you're not a
0:04:40scientist I think there are protons
0:04:41vibrating and somewhere there's some
0:04:43cadmium is degrading alright and that's
0:04:46the GMT so actually I know a guy here
0:04:49that really gets off on degrading cat
0:04:51cadmium Jason fitting haha mixing blue
0:04:56why do i say doing when I have a bell
0:04:58right in front of me
0:04:59primary the technology
0:05:03yeah I yeah I don't like being that way
0:05:05you have the only way that would work
0:05:07for me i think is if they if they were
0:05:09all wrong but you know part of it is
0:05:10also you know I hate to admit it but
0:05:11listen to the NPR a lot and you know
0:05:13that's coming off the radio and that's a
0:05:15straight shot right off the radio and
0:05:17i'll read it to the time
0:05:19yeah with the cadmium and whatnot and I
0:05:20and so if it gets if I her dog done the
0:05:25thing you're late and it is for its 459
0:05:29I'm I'm livid
0:05:31yeah yeah well I i just had a very
0:05:34interesting conversation kind of on this
0:05:35exact topic this weekend
0:05:38your friend of mine been a curse stay
0:05:40here at my house
0:05:41oh boy I bet that was funny it was fun
0:05:45because also staying here guys all
0:05:47snowstorm oh I better off staying at my
0:05:50like the worst loved whatever trouble
0:05:52little farm that's right no girls
0:05:54allowed
0:05:55but um you know this this way I have of
0:06:00anthropomorphic sizing not just animals
0:06:03but also inanimate objects
0:06:06I was host i was telling the knacker
0:06:09about my coffeemaker saga where I had
0:06:12the one coffee maker that was fine and
0:06:15then I got the other coffee maker
0:06:16because it was going to solve all my
0:06:18problems but it was a piece shit and
0:06:20then I told you about it and you saw you
0:06:22additionally solve my problem by sending
0:06:24me a third coffee maker sorry and I was
0:06:28like Christmas have all these coffee
0:06:30makers and I can't get rid of them
0:06:32because I'm not a monster
0:06:34collector and then then very you know
0:06:38strangely said do you mean that you're
0:06:41not a monster in that you don't get rid
0:06:44of those superfluous coffee makers
0:06:46because you're afraid to hurt their
0:06:47feelings and I said yes
0:06:52what's your point thank you for knowing
0:06:54me uh-huh and he said it's interesting
0:06:58that and I said do you know because
0:07:01that's such an penetrating observation i
0:07:03said you do you feel that that inanimate
0:07:08objects have feelings and you're afraid
0:07:09of hurting them and he said well no in
0:07:12fact I'm sort of the great santini of
0:07:15inanimate objects
0:07:17I walk around my house yelling at them
0:07:19for failing to meet my expectations and
0:07:23we and so now i'm very curious i pull up
0:07:26a chair
0:07:26even though I'm late for the podcast but
0:07:28I'm not because I'm to my collection 10
0:07:30minutes fast and I say tell you still
0:07:32there right now
0:07:33yeah he's downstairs that and I said
0:07:38tell me more about this and he said well
0:07:41I walk around the house and I'm like god
0:07:43dammit Sox where are you why are you on
0:07:45my feet
0:07:46god damn it you know television set why
0:07:50don't you why does the channel come in
0:07:51and I recognized immediately that the
0:07:56voice that he was using to speak to
0:07:58inanimate objects was the voice that a
0:08:00depressed person uses to talk to
0:08:02themselves the last roll
0:08:05that's right and I said but you never
0:08:08talk that way to yourself and he said oh
0:08:12no I'm great with myself
0:08:13meet me and myself are good together but
0:08:16but he does have that voice he's just
0:08:20directing it at the half the dumb things
0:08:24and and and I I immediately was playing
0:08:28this scenario out like what happens when
0:08:29I can't find my socks and what happens
0:08:33when I can't find my socks is in in my
0:08:36inner monologue
0:08:37I'm saying asshole why the you know why
0:08:40can't you find your socks my house art
0:08:42is that how hard it is to get your such
0:08:43an idea what you know you should have a
0:08:44system for having socks
0:08:46and you don't even have you don't have a
0:08:48system and so those socks are everywhere
0:08:50and now you're late in your idiot and he
0:08:53is saying that same thing except the
0:08:55socks
0:08:55Wow and he and he honestly you know you
0:08:59know Ben actor he's not a depressed
0:09:01person not really
0:09:03and yet he has the same voice the same
0:09:05impulse it's just he has miraculously
0:09:08figured out or or like been raised to or
0:09:12in his in his his beautiful mind has
0:09:16transferred that responsibility to the
0:09:19dumb thing and I'm just reeling from it
0:09:22i think it's fantastic it's it takes it
0:09:25takes years to realize that the voices
0:09:26even there
0:09:27let's be honest I mean you may be made
0:09:29be aware occasionally have like feeling
0:09:31bad about yourself but to really
0:09:32recognize that there is a while
0:09:34strolling your head take it configures
0:09:36to really finally acknowledge that and
0:09:37notice it when it's gonna go i know that
0:09:39guy but what a move to be able to know
0:09:43that voice is there and then take it as
0:09:45your own and directed towards socks
0:09:47isn't that something that's a thought
0:09:48technology i really really i'm i'm
0:09:50looking around my room and I'm so angry
0:09:52at everything here now you're stuck to
0:09:54get some as well because all this shit
0:09:56has been failing me this entire time and
0:09:58I thought it was my fault know and its
0:10:00really all these dumb things that are
0:10:01not where they belong and they're not
0:10:04helping me the way they should and just
0:10:06looking at them
0:10:06I thought we I thought we had reached a
0:10:08point I really did felt like even as
0:10:11recently as a couple years ago i'm not
0:10:12going to go into the iphone thing but
0:10:14i'm just gonna say like it seemed like
0:10:16up to maybe in the last couple years you
0:10:19could do stuff that started to seem like
0:10:21magic like you had a phone that you can
0:10:23look at the internet on it worked and in
0:10:25my case something I want to go too far
0:10:26because it's not super interesting but
0:10:28apparently I have cable TV and didn't
0:10:30know it but you
0:10:32well yeah we got it at some point and I
0:10:34guess I forgot to cancel or whatever we
0:10:36got cable TV and then I sat down one
0:10:38night because my wife said let's watch
0:10:39the oscars and I said that's good we've
0:10:42got cable TV i think and i went i
0:10:44collected all the things all the pieces
0:10:46of Technology the comcast has been
0:10:48sending me without my asking over the
0:10:49years that I'm supposed to connect up
0:10:51but you remember I mean as recently as a
0:10:52couple three years ago we've gotten to
0:10:55the point that you and I of course you
0:10:56remember what was involved in getting a
0:10:57special cable
0:10:59and uh if i canna was an anchorage yeah
0:11:02yeah yeah
0:11:02crouch down yeah we're going to review
0:11:05the wrong the parental key turn your key
0:11:07sir you have the thing on your box you
0:11:09can slip a piece of cardboard into to
0:11:10get the porno channels but you there's
0:11:12always an intermediary thing and it
0:11:13seemed like we got to a point where
0:11:15maybe even since college on a modern
0:11:17setup all you have to do is take your
0:11:19coaxial cable from out of the wall and
0:11:21plug it into your TV and now you had TV
0:11:24yet all the TV and all the TV and that
0:11:27was it
0:11:27I mean the worst thing was I mean
0:11:29figuring out are you on channel three or
0:11:31four right that one that was it and
0:11:32you're done and you don't touch again
0:11:34until the TV explodes and you buy
0:11:35another one and you know i'm not the
0:11:38sharpest knife in the drawer but I can
0:11:40usually figure these things it's you
0:11:41should see this this octopus of junk
0:11:44that we've got and what I finally
0:11:46discovered was that one of the things
0:11:47that they sent us was like a converter
0:11:49that you would use for like it basically
0:11:52it's like a tiny cable box like the size
0:11:54of a box of matches and you use their
0:11:56comcast remote to change the channels
0:11:58with that I don't know how to do this
0:12:00John just it just feels like I want to
0:12:03yell I want to yell at all the devices
0:12:04now and as I fight it because you know i
0:12:07know that i know the the Welshman's in
0:12:09there i just i would like to think i can
0:12:11rise above it and I think that's killing
0:12:12me
0:12:13yeah no no I i believe i believe that i
0:12:16believe in this new technology i believe
0:12:18in yelling at things
0:12:19who the problem is that it would with
0:12:21technology and i will get into the
0:12:24iphone thing
0:12:25oh my god fucking gone John can talk
0:12:27about the experts and i'll talk about
0:12:29the salty so mad at ya gotta put a
0:12:31couple drops I'm so bad at seven fucking
0:12:34mad at my outfit because you know I'm
0:12:37entirely dependent on it and yet there
0:12:40is still that suggestion and it's that
0:12:42it's the fall suggestion that that
0:12:45suggested by like false options you know
0:12:48yet we have we have four or five options
0:12:51and they're all false it's like up AT&T
0:12:53or Verizon do i get a do i get a
0:12:56microsoft phone or google phone or
0:12:58iPhone and and and so when you're a
0:13:01knight a delta who exactly united or
0:13:03delta and so when the system isn't
0:13:05working
0:13:06there's that little
0:13:07little element of doubt in your mind
0:13:10that maybe you made the wrong choice and
0:13:12if you have just chosen better if you
0:13:14had done more research if you had like
0:13:16if you were a more moral person you know
0:13:20that's the whole iphone a mac microsoft
0:13:23thing is that the two sides argued get
0:13:26argue with each other and there's always
0:13:27this tension like you're an immoral
0:13:29person for having chosen the wrong
0:13:31operating system or the wrong you know
0:13:33the wrong corporate Overlord and so so
0:13:37there's always this tinge of suggestion
0:13:39of culpability in the fact that i'm
0:13:42standing somewhere and my a mapping
0:13:46program is lying to me and then i get a
0:13:50text from somebody saying where are you
0:13:52the buildings on fire and then the phone
0:13:54dies and I'm and then all of a sudden
0:13:58I'm just like covered in I'm uncovered
0:14:01in ectoplasm
0:14:04I mean I've been slimed basically by the
0:14:07by Microsoft or by a Macintosh and you
0:14:12know and humiliated and furious and whom
0:14:14i'm at there's no one to direct the
0:14:17anger and that little doubt of of choice
0:14:21that's in their causes me to be mad at
0:14:23myself and I don't know how I don't know
0:14:24how that is the other day I was downtown
0:14:27i'm with the time with my baby i'm
0:14:30supposed to meet my baby's mama I'm then
0:14:33supposed to meet I'm been supposed to
0:14:36pick up my mom who is having some dental
0:14:39surgery and my phone dies and my phone
0:14:44does not because I failed to charge it
0:14:46I my phone dies because it is a piece of
0:14:49garbage can
0:14:51what information did it go did it crash
0:14:53to go all the way down and you can't get
0:14:54it back up
0:14:55can't get back up so you got that thing
0:14:57where my wife has this if my wife at
0:14:59some point between thirty and sixty
0:15:01percent stops working
0:15:02yeah just just goes just that's just the
0:15:04thing it does i can't--it's up and it
0:15:06and it always happens when it's like
0:15:08okay it's 5pm and i'm downtown seattle
0:15:11on a friday afternoon every single
0:15:14worker bee in the hive is trying to get
0:15:17out
0:15:18of the city at this exact same moment so
0:15:21there's no you there's no loading zones
0:15:24there's no place to pull over just to
0:15:27even collect your thoughts because the
0:15:29whole big ant hill is disgorging yeah
0:15:33the city requires all of your attention
0:15:35it can talk with 100-percent attention
0:15:37and my child is in the backseat doing
0:15:40her thing where she lists every word
0:15:42ever spoken by man at the top of her
0:15:45voice in a kind of incantation that will
0:15:48raise the Pharaohs and I'm saying to her
0:15:52darling right now daddy needs just a
0:15:55little bit of quiet just a moment of
0:15:58quiet now now now and her responses now
0:16:02yeah
0:16:02quiet you want me to stop talking you
0:16:05want talking to stop you know and i'm
0:16:08like ahh and then the phone goes from ya
0:16:11thirty percent battery power which I
0:16:15mean I've only been out in the town a
0:16:17couple of hours where it had a hundred
0:16:19percent before so it's already and it is
0:16:21that's a 3d sportswear that's a 33 times
0:16:23a week thing for my wife with a
0:16:25two-year-old phone
0:16:25yeah yeah there you go on my phone is
0:16:27just about that same age I like 4s
0:16:30its a 50 and and this is the thing about
0:16:35the choice like I was rocking a 3s and
0:16:39the 3s was rocking but it no longer
0:16:42could handle any of the new apps right
0:16:44and so I had to upgrade and so I waited
0:16:49for the five and I and I and I spent a
0:16:52whole summer with the three kind of like
0:16:55shaking shimmering almost not working
0:16:59and i was like i can wait I can wait
0:17:00until the five comes out i can wait I
0:17:02can wait and the five came out and the
0:17:04first thing they did was they fucked me
0:17:05with the with the i had to buy all new
0:17:07cables and then the second thing was
0:17:09it's a piece of shit and and I felt like
0:17:12and then also all my friends that are
0:17:14better than still have 4 s's are like
0:17:16mine still works fine I'm like oh my god
0:17:19i may I made the wrong choice it's my
0:17:21fault somehow right
0:17:23anyway i'm downtown and it's like now
0:17:25I'm I'm dead in the water
0:17:28I'm paralyzed I don't even know these
0:17:30people's actual phone numbers because i
0:17:33have become I because the thing is such
0:17:36a crunch now I used to carry a little
0:17:38laminated card with all of my people's
0:17:40phone numbers on because you're a Wes
0:17:43Anderson care and as time went on
0:17:45oh my god i still have all these cards
0:17:47as time went on you know i had i have a
0:17:52lot of friends right so i would make a
0:17:54double-sided card and it ended up being
0:17:57about a three by five card with
0:18:01microscopic little writing on filling up
0:18:06like sometimes three columns on both
0:18:08sides of this car let your like personal
0:18:10human information codex it's exactly
0:18:13right and it had all of the it had all
0:18:15of the key code numbers everything that
0:18:17I needed every pin number and the pin
0:18:19numbers were all disguised as like the
0:18:21second half of phone numbers that didn't
0:18:24exist that only I could read you know
0:18:26all these like codes and keys and people
0:18:31that I knew that had six different phone
0:18:32numbers i would have all those arranged
0:18:34and subheadings and stop on that i have
0:18:36is i still have these little cards and
0:18:37they're my favorite little talismans of
0:18:39on of a dead age but now I'm standing
0:18:42there and I'm realizing i don't even
0:18:45know the phone number of my daughter's
0:18:47mother like I couldn't tell you what it
0:18:50is and as the camera zooms straight up
0:18:56and I'll turn to the heavens and go god
0:18:59dammit you know I'm like I'm I'm stuck
0:19:03I'm in my own city surrounded by my own
0:19:07people and i have no ability to this
0:19:10thing dies and I'm just like that's like
0:19:12my battery died it's also for you it
0:19:15seems like it's like morally like
0:19:17antithetical like as a man who would
0:19:19like to have all knowledge available
0:19:21after the apocalypse to be able to
0:19:23recreate society must be going to know
0:19:25that like there's one little battery
0:19:26blip between you and all the world's
0:19:28information and you can't do anything
0:19:29about it
0:19:30well it keeps me ever vigilant and so
0:19:32what happened in this situation was the
0:19:35backup plan was initiated and in our
0:19:39family we have several backups that
0:19:41plans
0:19:42the first one being in that that's
0:19:47that's where this is going to make you
0:19:49laugh but in the event of a catastrophic
0:19:52emergency everyone in my family knows to
0:19:57convene at a certain spot plz drill them
0:20:02on occasion we are all drills and so and
0:20:06that spot that spot is our secret spot
0:20:08which is also somewhat fortified against
0:20:12intrusion i think you said enough and
0:20:15everyone knows it and the end and the
0:20:19idea the idea being like in the event of
0:20:21a like a true a massive earthquake or
0:20:27massive electromagnetic pulses some kind
0:20:30of EMP it's going to take actually going
0:20:33to take me the longest to get to this
0:20:36place it is closest to the people that
0:20:41will have the hardest time getting there
0:20:43but we've like we have stopped it and so
0:20:47forth and the Assumption being that it's
0:20:49going to take me the longest to get
0:20:51there but I'm the one that's most
0:20:52capable of journeying in a
0:20:54post-apocalyptic landscape
0:20:56[Music]
0:20:58and presumably as I am journeying in the
0:21:01post-apocalyptic landscape i will also
0:21:03be gathering other material so I'm
0:21:09statue in the town i'm like I'm supposed
0:21:11to get my mom from the doctor
0:21:13I don't know how in need she is
0:21:18i'm supposed to meet the baby's mother
0:21:21and handed the baby off all these things
0:21:24are supposed to happen and then I'll
0:21:26everybody else in the in the story has
0:21:27to then go to another event like this
0:21:30all has to happen in it within a
0:21:32compressed timeframe and I just said I'm
0:21:37going to do I'm going to the bunker
0:21:39I'm going to the mattresses and i turned
0:21:41the car around and I went to the UH i
0:21:44went to the rendezvous point and i SAT
0:21:47there and I was like this is all i can
0:21:51think of to do like my phone battery has
0:21:54died and i've gone to the apocalypse Ron
0:21:56available because it up with all you do
0:22:01what else can I do you don't have you
0:22:03don't have a bat-signal if you don't
0:22:05have like a pneumatic tube every other
0:22:07option is wrong and so I SAT there and
0:22:11of course Chris the baby is like what
0:22:13are we doing well after we hear what his
0:22:16mama and I'm like I just I you know what
0:22:19I still need to be quiet
0:22:20not that does because daddy needs his
0:22:23attention anymore but because daddy
0:22:25really doesn't daddy doesn't know what's
0:22:28happening now is covered in confusion
0:22:31but because his one little fucking
0:22:35stupid brick is dead and you know and
0:22:38the babies just like well I could play
0:22:40with dolls and that's you know that's
0:22:43all the technology that she needs and so
0:22:46we're sitting there just like dummies
0:22:49I mean I'm just sitting there like a
0:22:50dummy and then one by one all the clan
0:22:57arrives and they need they knew they
0:23:00were drilled and they walked in what one
0:23:03after another
0:23:04not mad just like Oh
0:23:08I figured you'd be here this is the like
0:23:12something must have happened and I was
0:23:15like yeah my phone died and they were
0:23:18like oh right and everybody understood
0:23:21immediately that that was something I
0:23:22was powerless about and be in the in the
0:23:26event that happens it you know you might
0:23:29as well just have like it really isn't
0:23:33apocalypse and so that my mom came the
0:23:38baby was collected the project continued
0:23:41and you know i gotta walk back out into
0:23:45the daylight like well I guess I'm what
0:23:49can i do now i guess i have to go home
0:23:51and look at my phone there's no other
0:23:54like I could I guess I could go like
0:23:56window shopping in the town and I guess
0:24:00I could go walk down the street twirling
0:24:01my cane and looking at flower
0:24:03arrangements but if i have anything else
0:24:06to do if i have any other appointment or
0:24:08anybody else to talk to you today I've
0:24:10got and the problem is you know at the
0:24:12at our rendezvous point there is no
0:24:15iphone 5 charger
0:24:17oh I bought five of them and there's one
0:24:21of my house and there's one in the car
0:24:23and there's one at the baby mamas house
0:24:24and there's one at the barber daughters
0:24:26the iphone five charges everywhere but
0:24:28there's not one at the bunker that's
0:24:35really disquieting yeah i-i-i eat my
0:24:40here at my house of course i have all
0:24:42the Boy Scout manuals and all of the all
0:24:45of the like introduction to electronics
0:24:47reference guides that will allow me to
0:24:50recreate civilization
0:24:53yeah but and so and so the reality is i
0:24:58cannot i cannot store things that matter
0:25:00on my phone I have to I have to go back
0:25:02and start making it your credit card I
0:25:04think you're really describing that kind
0:25:07of desolate existential feeling is is a
0:25:11pretty good depiction of what a lot of
0:25:12users feel like right now because the
0:25:15thing is you know you and I both know
0:25:16there is a reason for everything there's
0:25:19a solution for everything
0:25:21so you might get a whole bunch of email
0:25:22after this from people going oh you can
0:25:24get a little adapter for your old
0:25:26charger you could always just you know
0:25:28update your laminated card you can do
0:25:30this you can do that you that but that's
0:25:31not the point the point is that and and
0:25:34this is I think where it gets tricky is
0:25:35it if if you are a person like me and I
0:25:38think yeah obviously to an extent like
0:25:39you you have agreed to use that device
0:25:43in exactly the way this company has
0:25:45begged you to use it right you are not
0:25:48doing anything
0:25:49unconventional you are doing something
0:25:50extremely conventional which is they
0:25:53would like you to use that as the center
0:25:56of your digital world which is
0:25:58increasingly your world so that you did
0:26:01exactly what you're supposed to do
0:26:02that's the troubling part is that
0:26:04there's nothing I have done to my phone
0:26:07the reason nothing I even if I wanted to
0:26:09I don't even know how to jailbreak my
0:26:11phone I could figure it out but the
0:26:12point is I i bought this phone whatever
0:26:14last summer fall whenever the 55 s came
0:26:19out and its it crashed three times a
0:26:22week
0:26:23it's not is it pink did you get it no
0:26:24that's the c-4 color sorry i got the
0:26:27fancy one because gold did you get the
0:26:30gold one I did not I i got the least i
0:26:32don't know i think it's kind of a thing
0:26:34in the and apple nerd world to have like
0:26:35the the most low-key thing you can with
0:26:37no case that's what I have a low-key
0:26:39phone with no case but but anyway I
0:26:42think what's with the bummer about what
0:26:44you're describing is like anybody out
0:26:46there it's like you know I remember when
0:26:47our neighbors our next door neighbors
0:26:48got burglarized burglarized corrupt
0:26:51world when i was there and i was when i
0:26:53was maybe 14 and I remember having this
0:26:55very strong feeling this impulse that
0:26:57everybody else on the block at which we
0:26:59stood outside while the police were
0:27:00there will whisper to each other about
0:27:01what they had done wrong
0:27:02oh wow don't you think I'm going left
0:27:05the window
0:27:06yeah they really should have had they
0:27:07should have the porch light on they
0:27:09should've gotten better Windows you know
0:27:11that it and you come up with the
0:27:12whistling past the graveyard for all
0:27:13these reasons why somebody else it's
0:27:15like you know Shirley Jackson's the
0:27:17lottery like why that person get picked
0:27:18when I got picked as that's that's how
0:27:20the lottery works
0:27:21that's right and
0:27:21and you come up with all these reasons
0:27:23so anybody out there is listening to
0:27:24this could be very unsympathetic because
0:27:26their thing works today but the thing is
0:27:28that the part about it that I I feel
0:27:32thank you
0:27:33I understand I understand that there are
0:27:37way I know I could probably take it to
0:27:39the apple genius and have them give me a
0:27:41new phone and there's only one is apple
0:27:44genius is going to tell me that one time
0:27:45I had the phone in the bathroom with me
0:27:47while i was showering and the chili
0:27:49chili sensor went off
0:27:51that's right the amount of water that
0:27:53somehow got in there is enough to but
0:27:56you know what i mean in other words it's
0:27:57that we sound crazy when want one sounds
0:28:00crazy in this situation because you're
0:28:02contaminating all these different
0:28:03frustrations that all have a perfectly
0:28:05valid reason for being the way that they
0:28:07are you know physics is complicated
0:28:09engineering is hard i understand all
0:28:10these things it's just that i finally
0:28:12finally got to a point where I was ok
0:28:13entrusting things like in this case what
0:28:16you get your calendar
0:28:17you got your communication device you
0:28:19know all the ways we communicate with
0:28:20other people on the go
0:28:22I have entrusted to that thing and when
0:28:23it does what happened with you we do
0:28:25this do the troll ends up yelling at us
0:28:27like what what did we do wrong in that
0:28:30case
0:28:30well in particular when you know the
0:28:32Seattle is a microsoft town and so there
0:28:34are a lot of people walking around now
0:28:37with these these phones that are the
0:28:42size of a of like a terabyte of look
0:28:48like hard drive if you see phones i
0:28:50think if you see phones or phablets as
0:28:53we like to come if you see giant ass
0:28:55phones that look like something a
0:28:57cocktail waitress would use it's
0:28:59probably a samsung running Android yeah
0:29:01right it looks like something that you
0:29:02would be handed at a museum to walk
0:29:05around and get a guided tour of the art
0:29:08or the paddleboat it's the size of a
0:29:10vintage distortion box samsung big muff
0:29:17yeah exactly it's the super funds
0:29:19samsung and it uh it you know it glows
0:29:23with this like almost television like
0:29:26glow
0:29:27yeah and so people are manipulating
0:29:29these things in public places and it's
0:29:31this giant like wow it's very impressive
0:29:35just to see kind of out of the corner of
0:29:37your on it is it does feel like the
0:29:38future I'd like to thank the lady at the
0:29:39muppet movie history for illuminating
0:29:41the entire fucking theater while she
0:29:43looked at her facebook for the first 20
0:29:45minutes in the movie uh I just want you
0:29:47know that those are so much rightness
0:29:49John I want to carry around a completely
0:29:52operable fire hose with like a giant
0:29:56fire truck outside full of water when I
0:29:58could just like shit somebody like me
0:30:01like that with just a just like a riot
0:30:03control level of fire you think fire
0:30:06engine stops working at thirty percent
0:30:07power LOL no sirens going to talk about
0:30:10the fire
0:30:11sorry about the fire it but we have to
0:30:13fix in the next month or so you know
0:30:15what I mean that 777 flew all the way
0:30:17down into the Indian Ocean because it
0:30:19still had some gas i'm going to have
0:30:21been kind of avoiding that but I do one
0:30:22fact about everybody on the plane was
0:30:24probably dead for hours but the plane
0:30:27keeps flying probably put a little bit
0:30:29of sriracha on this rice my wife and I
0:30:32employ we have for a long time you know
0:30:34when you got a person you got a kid you
0:30:36got stuff really like to know where each
0:30:37other are it's it's it's kinda creepy
0:30:40but kind of cool and there's an apple as
0:30:42an app on the iphone you can use where
0:30:44you can allow people to see your
0:30:45location and you can allow them to see
0:30:47yours in theory it works really well so
0:30:50you don't have to constantly how's it
0:30:51going are you almost home right you can
0:30:53see I can watch my wife on the bus like
0:30:54you know going through the mission i can
0:30:56see and so that's great and we have
0:30:58consented to do that and you know we
0:31:01kind of both said to each other hey if
0:31:02you ever just want to disappear that's
0:31:03fine but at the same time knowing what
0:31:06happens with my wife's phone I I don't
0:31:08compulsive about it but i'll go like oh
0:31:10she's still in her after her exercise
0:31:12class could i get home and do the dishes
0:31:13before she gets her or whatever and and
0:31:15the thing is though what happens with
0:31:18your phone dies in that case when her
0:31:20phone dies she's no longer seeable one
0:31:25ok so that's important now I've relied
0:31:27on this as a way to know where my wife
0:31:28is
0:31:29maybe bad on me because I'm a dummy the
0:31:31point is that think about the cascade of
0:31:32events when that happens my wife was
0:31:34running home through the mission and
0:31:38suddenly her location is not available
0:31:41now I know I know that's probably
0:31:43because her phone sucks
0:31:45oh no this is the beginning of a Liam
0:31:47Neeson milk
0:31:48movie this is the taken that right i
0:31:50think that is that a good movie
0:31:51no I got I've never seen it but I can't
0:31:53imagine it's good that he has to be
0:31:55terrible but you know if you're like me
0:31:57you always assume the worst conceivable
0:31:58thing has always happened
0:32:00absolutely some always a sandal man has
0:32:02pulled up right that she's already
0:32:04probably like making phones in in China
0:32:07has been bundled off she's crossing
0:32:09she's crossing in the Tijuana in a
0:32:1150-gallon drum she's gonna she's gonna
0:32:14play in a mariachi band for a drug lord
0:32:16and but you know you got any way not to
0:32:19belabor it but I mean you start to rely
0:32:20on that just kind of go clip and if you
0:32:22see like oh you know this person has
0:32:24moved in a while or whatever in this
0:32:25case now I also because her phone died i
0:32:28have no way to contact her so that
0:32:30anxiety multiplies for me and I maybe
0:32:33that's silly you know that's not me of
0:32:35course she gets home you know 45 minutes
0:32:37later on my phone died
0:32:38no I don't think it is dumb and I did
0:32:39you know without getting too
0:32:41conspiratorial the fact that we are now
0:32:43like living in a state of well in a
0:32:48state of constant anxiety is not bad for
0:32:53our corporate overlords right and then
0:32:56this is the this is the moment where we
0:32:58veer off into the social your legs
0:33:00you're drinking emotional saltwater that
0:33:02like every other figures the oh yeah I
0:33:04can understand why you're upset here's
0:33:05the fix for that
0:33:06Yeah right right and that's the and
0:33:08that's that that's the tech response but
0:33:10the tech response is always yeah it's
0:33:12always like oh by a nap or by a by an
0:33:14additional battery pack or by a adapter
0:33:17or wait six months and will mostly kind
0:33:19of fix this problem but but in fact i am
0:33:23now I have a as a fully grown adult I
0:33:26now him tethered to a thing and this was
0:33:29this was my complaint when I wouldn't
0:33:32know when the Walkman first came out in
0:33:341980 and I am I know you remember this
0:33:38moment you the Walkman arrived on the
0:33:41scene and at first it was inconceivable
0:33:45that that of that much technology the
0:33:47entire technology of a stereo system had
0:33:51been reduced to the size of a paperback
0:33:53book
0:33:54difference for what you were coming like
0:33:56custom like what you would think you
0:33:57would pay for a crappy stereo you could
0:34:00now have on your belt you can wear it on
0:34:02your goddamn belt
0:34:04listen to anything you want anytime you
0:34:05want any time you wanted and all around
0:34:08the city of Anchorage all the like all
0:34:13the cool kids had Walkmans instantly and
0:34:17I remember like being just in all of
0:34:23this new capability and everyone was I
0:34:27mean the entire world was just like you
0:34:30mean I can just walk around listening to
0:34:33my tapes and so I couldn't afford a
0:34:36Walkman because it was a hundred bucks
0:34:39or something which was a lot of money
0:34:40even though it wasn't that much money
0:34:43you know it was and I don't even think
0:34:45it was a hundred bucks but it whatever
0:34:46amount it was it was more than I was
0:34:48prepared to spend it is what it is
0:34:49definitely out of my reach
0:34:51but I was at a i was actually at the
0:34:53arcade playing elevator action one
0:34:57afternoon I guess this is probably a pre
0:34:59elevator action but i was at the
0:35:01videogame arcade and I walked past a
0:35:05store and they had a knockoff Walkman
0:35:07for sale that act that included in
0:35:11addition to a tape machine an am/fm
0:35:13radio which really appealed to me
0:35:17because of course you could be listening
0:35:19to you could be it in the event of an
0:35:23emergency you could you can tune to the
0:35:25to the emergency Channel and and so and
0:35:29you know if you get tired of your tapes
0:35:31or whatever you can listen to the f MK
0:35:33well 17.7 WHL okay well
0:35:37and so I and that anything was it was
0:35:41like it was fifteen or twenty dollars
0:35:44new in the window of this place with and
0:35:47for whatever reason at that point I had
0:35:49that much money in my little velcro
0:35:52wallet and I walked into this place in
0:35:54that I was so astonished as I hand the
0:35:58money over and they handed me this new
0:36:00product that I i was making this adult
0:36:04transaction I was buying into the future
0:36:07right now that this technology was so
0:36:10transformative and it had already gone
0:36:15through the Maslow's seven stages of
0:36:17technology and it was now but there was
0:36:20a cheaper knockoff that was better
0:36:22it was happening so fast i bought this
0:36:24thing and I you know I I didn't have a
0:36:28tape with me but I had the radio and i
0:36:31put it I look I clipped it on my belt
0:36:33like you were supposed to do but the
0:36:35headphones on i'm walking down the
0:36:36street listening to the radio and it's
0:36:38like my black-and-white world went into
0:36:41Technicolor yeah I'm listening to music
0:36:44as i'm walking down the street
0:36:47hello are you ready for the future
0:36:50hands-free you're not holding a radio
0:36:51i'm not i'm just walking like arm
0:36:53swinging and I'm listening to a Uriah
0:36:57Heep and it's and and I had never had my
0:37:02own life soundtrack before and now I'm
0:37:06realizing that I am living a dramatic
0:37:09life to like my my progress walking down
0:37:13fireweed boulevard in Anchorage is now
0:37:15cinematic because as I jump off the you
0:37:20know as I jump off this but the sidewalk
0:37:22into the street into the muddy Street I
0:37:25have a big guitar part to emphasize it
0:37:29and I was so thrilled and for a week or
0:37:34whatever I walked around with this thing
0:37:35just like it never got old it was
0:37:38tremendous and then the batteries died
0:37:43and I was like whatever it costs and
0:37:47went to the grocery store and I realized
0:37:52what batteries cost which at the time
0:37:55was just as they are now pretty
0:38:00exhibited relative to the cost of the
0:38:02device itself and if you're if you're
0:38:04using that thing and fast forwarding and
0:38:06rewinding you should really go through
0:38:08well that's the thing so i started using
0:38:09tapes instead of once i got home i
0:38:11started using tips instead of instead of
0:38:14a listen to the radio and i think i've
0:38:16run out of batteries and replace them
0:38:18with some batteries we had in the house
0:38:19and had run through those batteries and
0:38:22now I was responsible for buying my own
0:38:24batteries to put into the Machine and
0:38:26when I saw the price of batteries and I
0:38:28reflected on how quickly i had run
0:38:31through two sets of batteries
0:38:33I realized oh my god this technology is
0:38:39so this is basically just a battery
0:38:43using device the reason to put reason
0:38:46that this thing was $14 twenties like
0:38:49it's a cipher yeah this was this is a
0:38:52loss leader for battery companies and
0:38:56I'm sure that whatever the company is
0:38:58that made this machine for so cheap that
0:39:02it's just a front company for ever ready
0:39:06I don't know if they still make every
0:39:09batteries but as look at all right a
0:39:13little black cat like the cat but uh but
0:39:16i think i might have I might have that
0:39:18in that moment still been so in raptured
0:39:21by this technology that I was like I
0:39:23will buy these but i will buy five
0:39:25dollars with the batteries for my $15
0:39:27tape machine and by the time those
0:39:30batteries ran out again I the the
0:39:35feeling of betrayal or the feeling of
0:39:37having been roped in to a kind of thing
0:39:41where they are giving me this wonderful
0:39:43experience and all i need to do is is
0:39:48just start directing
0:39:50a constant stream of my resources to
0:39:54ward them and they will just pirate my
0:39:56resources and in return they will give
0:39:59me this this like drug-like
0:40:02transformation that I can have music
0:40:04with me all the time and realizing that
0:40:08realizing that that was the that was the
0:40:11transaction and that if I if I mentally
0:40:16acquiesced to this that I was I had
0:40:20basically handcuffed myself to you know
0:40:25not just to the device but to the whole
0:40:27support system and I would never be free
0:40:31and i put my Walkman on the shelf
0:40:35I put my dead battery walking on the
0:40:37shelf and I was like I can live without
0:40:39that I can live without it because i
0:40:42can't because it is to the degree to
0:40:45which I am like mourning the loss of us
0:40:49a constant soundtrack i cannot sell my
0:40:54soul that cheaply and I feel that I have
0:40:59felt that way about every new technology
0:41:02just as just as I and it took me many
0:41:05years to retro actively connect my
0:41:08experience as a drug user to that
0:41:10experience of just like yes the drug
0:41:13does this amazing thing but you are hand
0:41:18cutting yourself to it and to the unit
0:41:22to the that whole complex relationship
0:41:25of like these are my resources i am
0:41:27giving away in order to have this and
0:41:31the and the trade is never worth it but
0:41:34now at 45 years old they finally got me
0:41:37with this goddamn phone and I am
0:41:40100-percent tied now to this to this
0:41:43machine and all the support network and
0:41:47all of that you know in the end the
0:41:49promise I remember sitting in your
0:41:52kitchen and you describing for me that
0:41:58right over the horizon there was gonna
0:42:01be a time when your phone and your
0:42:04computer or synced & that if you end
0:42:09their calendar on your computer and your
0:42:11photographs and all the things that were
0:42:13on your computer were also going to be
0:42:15on your phone and they would talk to
0:42:16each other and I was like what you know
0:42:20this is back when phones had two sides
0:42:24and even in that particular dream would
0:42:28involve like lots of cables and
0:42:30third-party software but still you could
0:42:33even conceptually take the world of your
0:42:35desk and and bring it with you when you
0:42:38go somewhere like on a trip was
0:42:40completely mind-boggling
0:42:41yeah and you were you were describing
0:42:43and you were like this is this is not a
0:42:45fantasy
0:42:46this is happening and I was just like
0:42:49and i think i spent a year or two then
0:42:52like I'm not going to upgrade my phone
0:42:54i'm going to wait until the phone comes
0:42:56out that can talk to my computer but
0:43:00with every step of this you know this
0:43:02tying together of things it's just like
0:43:04well now i need to upgrade my other
0:43:06thing and now i need to buy the other
0:43:08upgrade and now i'm just like the
0:43:12octopus of of the octopus of like half
0:43:18agreed to up end user agreements who you
0:43:24know unread and user agreements is just
0:43:27is just slowly it's like that it's just
0:43:30like it's like a creeping vine that is
0:43:32slowly squeezing the life out of me
0:43:35it was only a few hundred dollars to get
0:43:38started a kid cervix so right it's all a
0:43:41loss leader and I feel like now it's not
0:43:43the battery companies it's a loss leader
0:43:45for the Illuminati haha ah man I had a I
0:44:01used to try and read the agreements
0:44:03no well you know there's a time when
0:44:05they were little more you know modest
0:44:07and coming up and a booklet you can flip
0:44:08through into the headings on my little
0:44:11love set-top box of a set-top box called
0:44:14a roku which is like an apple TV and
0:44:16there was some kind of an update in the
0:44:19software and I&I it's like you know it's
0:44:21going to change in the terms you read
0:44:24this and click to agree and of course
0:44:26they conveniently have a i have read and
0:44:28great deal is right there yeah yeah but
0:44:31then I noticed it was the weather was on
0:44:32screen was page screen one of I think
0:44:35was a hundred and six I would have had
0:44:38to read 106 screens to read the entire
0:44:41agreement let me just ah I got my
0:44:43redline version here to question what
0:44:47force medjool before I agree to live a
0:44:52lot of the target somebody from tech
0:44:54support
0:44:55what if you had a chance to look at my
0:44:56corrections oh no no no no really it
0:45:00it's like it's like our are you ready to
0:45:02put your hand into machine yes or no
0:45:03that's exactly right are you ready to
0:45:05put your hand into the stump and if you
0:45:10put your hand in and pull it back out
0:45:12and cover with the data and if you have
0:45:16not if it's things you then then I guess
0:45:20you die and then yeah then your that you
0:45:23don't you don't join the clan of the
0:45:25Birdman
0:45:27Merlin what can I say no I know I know
0:45:36and you know that here's the thing is if
0:45:39it were like let's say for example this
0:45:43will not be a huge amount to you because
0:45:44you weren't into this stuff then but
0:45:46feel that this one 1999 in 1999 there
0:45:49were all these layers of hacks that
0:45:51enabled certain interesting things to
0:45:52happen like in 1999 you could have a
0:45:55modem at your house that would let you
0:45:57use your telephone system to get on the
0:46:01internet which is pretty hockey but it
0:46:03worked I mean think about it I mean
0:46:04that's a pretty unconventional thing to
0:46:06do in a home the kind of thing where 10
0:46:08years earlier you would have sounded
0:46:09like the weirdest person in the world to
0:46:11say no i'm sorry i can't take calls for
0:46:14hours a day because i'm using this
0:46:15device to have a computer connect to a
0:46:17network with us so strange she would
0:46:19somebody would seem like a guy that had
0:46:20a us a dandy sweatshirt and so but that
0:46:26was a hack and that worked i think about
0:46:28stuff like the mp3 devices you know for
0:46:31listening like to mp3's and it was a
0:46:33pretty great thing that you know you
0:46:35could have together this system for
0:46:37getting your cds into mp3's and if
0:46:40you're a little more gray hat you can go
0:46:42get them for free off of the internet
0:46:44and you can connect this wire up and he
0:46:46had this extra software you be able to
0:46:47connect into this but it was really like
0:46:49a series of hacks so I really felt like
0:46:50all on when that all worked and you can
0:46:52even take that a few years forward to
0:46:54the early days of like PDA sinking where
0:46:56you know anytime I wanted to sing my
0:46:57palm pilot with my Mac put in the cradle
0:47:00you had to do this there's all kinds of
0:47:02stuff as you know over the years even as
0:47:03a recent mac user you know that his
0:47:05computer users constant stuff we gotta
0:47:06go I probably go delete this violence
0:47:08try it again that kind of thing happens
0:47:09and you live with that right because you
0:47:11like okay this is something where like
0:47:12this really kind of feels this is a
0:47:14little magical but I'm able to do this
0:47:16i'll put up with them some stuff to do
0:47:18it and so anyway we're trying to get is
0:47:20that the irony is that like back then
0:47:22when stuff didn't work right or you
0:47:23ended up with five copies of the same
0:47:24contact you kind of write it down to the
0:47:27happiness of it and saying like well you
0:47:30know this this they really developed
0:47:33this system for windows first and
0:47:34there's this wackadoodle third-party
0:47:36software they put together so it even
0:47:37works at all on a mac so I should just
0:47:39be grateful
0:47:40yeah it's still bicycle
0:47:41Howard yeah and I i really don't i'm not
0:47:43i don't mean this as like a huge
0:47:45indictment but it is a statement of fact
0:47:48that I think lines up with what you're
0:47:50saying which is it is weird that we've
0:47:52gotten to a point where we've gotten ok
0:47:55with pouring really well I know like
0:47:58compared to a Walkman it's pretty
0:47:59amazing what you can do with an iphone
0:48:01but still they're not cheap to go out
0:48:02and buy these devices it's not cheap to
0:48:04buy apps for them in my case it has not
0:48:06been cheap to go to go cock deep in the
0:48:09act Apple ecosystem for things like I've
0:48:11bought over a hundred movies on itunes
0:48:13and I couldn't watch on those devices
0:48:15isn't it well yeah I can also download
0:48:18and do magic with them that's a little
0:48:19bit grey hat but you know the point is I
0:48:22i have gotten into that because it is
0:48:24trying to say is it used to be that you
0:48:26had to be a hobbyist in order to make
0:48:30any of that stuff works the same way
0:48:31that if you wanted a nice high five and
0:48:33the fifties you have to be willing to go
0:48:35get a kit and put it together right you
0:48:36wanted to have a home computer
0:48:37quote-unquote in the seventies for a
0:48:40long time you would have to go as a
0:48:41hobbyist and go make that thing yourself
0:48:42and so you learned a lot about it maybe
0:48:45you're not like an IBM engineer but you
0:48:46could put it together you know i bet
0:48:48your mom could have put together a
0:48:49computer pretty good in there in the
0:48:51early to mid seventies for you but you
0:48:53know the but i'm getting to the obvious
0:48:55irony here which is that there's one
0:48:57company is putting all of that that's
0:48:59organizing all of that and integrating
0:49:01all that force and for for the last for
0:49:04like for like five or six years it
0:49:06really felt like man what a solid
0:49:08amazing device this is I mean they
0:49:10really hit it out of the park that but
0:49:11the battery life is so long
0:49:13it looks so much better than all the
0:49:14other things it really is the iphone is
0:49:16the industry leader in in half a dozen
0:49:19ways with these kinds of devices and and
0:49:22what made it great
0:49:23I've not to go to tech here but what
0:49:25made it great was the total integration
0:49:26it was apple software running on Apple's
0:49:29firmware on Apple's hardware with apples
0:49:31manufacturing and QA QC and it was just
0:49:34the fact that we were able to hand over
0:49:35that money and Trust to them give my
0:49:38keys get me the tracksuit and i will cut
0:49:41my penis off and go with Apple behind
0:49:44the hell Bob comet i am a member
0:49:46yeah right i think that day I mean you
0:49:49know I know you've-you've sometimes
0:49:51like a lot of people struggle with
0:49:53devices but i have to say that up until
0:49:54a couple years ago
0:49:56it all felt pretty solid and around the
0:49:59time that they introduced I don't know
0:50:00if you do or did this but around the
0:50:02time they and whenever they introduced
0:50:04Wi-Fi sinking 20 and iOS devices to
0:50:07where you could have syncing between
0:50:09your computer and your iphone without
0:50:11having to hook it up that I think that
0:50:14felt like the singularity at that point
0:50:16I really felt like we had gotten to a
0:50:17point of magic you can update apps and
0:50:19you know I always so I know it all comes
0:50:21at different times but it's just really
0:50:22maybe it's maybe it's me because that's
0:50:25the well stroll the well stroll says
0:50:27maybe it's me but now today I have so
0:50:31much less confidence in a basic thing
0:50:33the most basic thing which is that when
0:50:34i turn this on
0:50:35i'm going to quickly be able to do a
0:50:37thing that used to seem kind of simple
0:50:38and I just feel like my confidence in
0:50:41picking that thing up and knowing that
0:50:43everything is going to go okay has
0:50:45dropped probably thirty percent in the
0:50:47last two years and I you know again she
0:50:50can come up with a reason for why every
0:50:51single thing including pilot error
0:50:53behind the keyboard whatever you want to
0:50:54call it but all I know is that like at
0:50:56least 25 or more percent of my
0:50:58confidence level has dropped as my
0:51:00appletv can't get to itunes because it's
0:51:02quote currently unavailable
0:51:04where I suddenly let me know my wife's
0:51:07phone dies at thirty percent power I
0:51:08know there's a reason for all of those
0:51:10but I maybe it's just because i use it
0:51:12more that I notice it now but I that
0:51:15confidence is not where it used to be
0:51:17and with there was a time when I could
0:51:19have said well maybe this didn't work
0:51:21because of my apple computer maybe it
0:51:22didn't work because of my Hayes modem
0:51:24maybe it didn't work because of this
0:51:26really cheap cord that I got to go
0:51:27between them
0:51:28maybe it's because my local service
0:51:30provider for the internet is is oversold
0:51:32and is dropping connections because the
0:51:34quality is not good who knows why but I
0:51:36could find half a dozen reasons why it
0:51:38just didn't work and now today it's hard
0:51:41not to kind of point a finger a little
0:51:42bit and say you guys this is all stuff
0:51:47that you have chosen to take control of
0:51:49and give me no way of getting my hands
0:51:51around right
0:51:52I can't go see what's inside the apps i
0:51:54can go debug what's going on with this I
0:51:56could look at this console log and try
0:51:58to figure out what all this stuff means
0:52:00you can you tell what currently
0:52:02unavailable me
0:52:03you know you can available means to me a
0:52:06guy who went to college and his has
0:52:08worked on computers love full time since
0:52:101989 for me that means i turn off two
0:52:13power strips count to ten sing the
0:52:15bridge from september's girls by big
0:52:17star and then I turn it back on right
0:52:19and then eighty-five percent of the time
0:52:21it works
0:52:22yep well i for for me the like for
0:52:27instance i was thinking about this the
0:52:28other day i have been using my calendar
0:52:30as a diary for a while for as long as
0:52:36I've had a iphone calendar and and and
0:52:39before that i went into my calendar in
0:52:43my computer even as long ago as 10 years
0:52:46ago and went back and kind of retro
0:52:49actively had scroll back through the
0:52:52years and retro actively put in all the
0:52:56kind of important dates of my life that
0:52:58I wanted to remember the date going back
0:53:01to the seventies invest in the in my mac
0:53:04calendar and I didn't quite understand
0:53:07how to use the different colors of like
0:53:10well this is a work thing and this is a
0:53:12poem thing so a lot of the old stuff
0:53:15that I put in there like that that the
0:53:18day I lost my front tooth for the first
0:53:20time mark 17 1970s my front seat for the
0:53:24first the day you know the day that
0:53:28Kelly started going out with David
0:53:31breast and ruined my teenage life she
0:53:34took a chunk out each on she really did
0:53:36you know I put all those dates into my
0:53:39calendar because I because my whole life
0:53:42I've I've been kept you know like 1980
0:53:45is this great cut off because 1980
0:53:48office Lee is a nice round number
0:53:50it was the year that reagan was elected
0:53:53to the presidency
0:53:55it was the year that I i graduated from
0:53:59sixth grade in the spring of nineteen
0:54:01eighty and started seventh grade in the
0:54:05fall of nineteen eighty
0:54:07so 1980 in in the cosmology of my in the
0:54:12in the in the mapping of time in my own
0:54:15mind 1980 is a corner
0:54:19I don't know if you map things I
0:54:21absolutely do a map time in your yeah
0:54:24always have but it's a corner and it's
0:54:27also kind of a rounded corner but it's a
0:54:30you know it's a very prominent little
0:54:32well up really promontory in my in the
0:54:39geography of time in my mind 1980 and so
0:54:41if I'm like well what year was not what
0:54:45get what day was the day when I but I
0:54:48started 1980 and I go right 80 81 81 82
0:54:517 8th grade then I started high school
0:54:54in the fall of 82 and from there I can
0:54:58count this way or that and figure out
0:55:00what the dates are anyway all that stuff
0:55:02is in my calendar and and for the last
0:55:05five years I've also been adding every
0:55:08little dumb thing i do so that if I find
0:55:11a receipt in a box and I'm like wait a
0:55:13minute when was I ever in indianapolis
0:55:15did I ever go to a sushi restaurant in
0:55:17indianapolis that violates five core
0:55:20rules never get seafood in inland state
0:55:23you know never ever get sushi
0:55:25Indianapolis never eat at Indiana how
0:55:29did I where did this receipt come from i
0:55:31go in i scroll back in my calendar and
0:55:33I'm like oh right i was with joe / nice
0:55:36and got a flat tire that day and we
0:55:39didn't actually get sushi at that place
0:55:41it was it was a sushi taco restaurant
0:55:44and we got tacos on the taco side
0:55:46forever but all of that all of that
0:55:49information the value of which vastly
0:55:53exceeds its like they it's useful value
0:55:58like it is it is emotional value to me
0:56:02it is biographical value it is i could
0:56:07probably reproduce a lot of the big
0:56:09dates but I'm never ever going to
0:56:11remember I was in Indianapolis with
0:56:13Joker nissan you know in in june of 2002
0:56:17or what
0:56:18that is all stored now in the cloud the
0:56:25cow it's stored in the cleared and I do
0:56:28not believe in the cloud
0:56:30I do not trust the cloud I think the
0:56:32cloud is a giant fucking ripoff and the
0:56:35cloud is just is just a system by which
0:56:38these companies are are jostling with
0:56:41one another to charge us fees to charge
0:56:45us access fees to the cloud and i will
0:56:48put all of this information into my
0:56:50system they will migrate it to the cloud
0:56:53and then one day they're going to slam a
0:56:57door shut and go oh do you want that
0:56:59stuff that's in the cloud
0:57:00well you have to pay the cloud access
0:57:03fee and i'm going to say what
0:57:06no you didn't do that for me you didn't
0:57:08put that there for me i put it into my
0:57:11things i did a ton of work to organize
0:57:15my life and I never asked it to be in
0:57:18the clade you just put it there and now
0:57:21you're charging me to get it and fuck
0:57:24you forever a thousand million times
0:57:27because that information i should have
0:57:31just written down in a book and would
0:57:33have at any time up until just recently
0:57:37and-and-and would have carried that book
0:57:40with me as i did with the paper
0:57:42calendars and now i'm not you know so so
0:57:46I have it's again it's like now I am
0:57:49buying ever ready stock basically and
0:57:52I'm just hoping that the cloud survives
0:57:56because I know that it's an interim idea
0:57:58and I know that eventually there will be
0:58:01no hard drive and it will all be stored
0:58:06it will all be encoded into into like
0:58:11millennia computer or whatever like
0:58:14about what we're trying to say notnot
0:58:18phantom computers but um
0:58:23huh I got one big God computer like God
0:58:26computer like a i'm thinking of you move
0:58:29your reference taking come it's a
0:58:32quantum computers they're all just about
0:58:35the Internet of quanta yeah made of
0:58:37quanta wear it wear it where it's the
0:58:39fifth the shrowde burgers cat hm it's a
0:58:44is alive or dead and that is how my
0:58:47calendar is saved in the computer
0:58:51I wish you'd read the spec for the
0:58:52goddamn Schrodinger burgers cat can't
0:58:57count that that's alive or dead i don't
0:58:58know and i can't access my clothes
0:59:01uh he might be in there that's exactly I
0:59:04I can't even tell if he's alive I think
0:59:05he might be in the cloud I'm not sure
0:59:07he's in a clue what about photos you
0:59:08feel great about your photos on your
0:59:10phone you on the phone you lost your
0:59:13phone you know you got to get your
0:59:14photos
0:59:14well here Leslie here's what happened so
0:59:17we were on the Oregon coast around
0:59:19Christmas and I'm out there and we're
0:59:22out on the the the mudflat you know the
0:59:25Oregon coast is this fantastic place
0:59:27it's really one of the great places in
0:59:29the world and what's wonderful about it
0:59:31is that the beaches are very very flat
0:59:34and shallow so when the tide goes out
0:59:36the tide goes way out and it goes and
0:59:40then keep going
0:59:41so you can stand on the beach at the
0:59:43point where high tide is and when the
0:59:46tide is fully out you can't even see you
0:59:47can see the surf like in them bury
0:59:49system you know like the shimmering
0:59:52distance
0:59:53wow so you have this fantastic like wet
0:59:57flat sand
0:59:57flat sand
1:00:00stretching to infinity and so we're out
1:00:03on the sand and my daughter and I are
1:00:06out there walking around and we're
1:00:08looking at little crabs and spoken in
1:00:11the beginning scene where the little
1:00:12clams are purse spurting and having a
1:00:15good time but one of the other factors
1:00:20of the organ coast is when the tide is
1:00:22all the way out every hundredth wave is
1:00:27a rogue wave and if you're beaches a
1:00:31mile wide and super flat and up and an
1:00:34outsize wave comes it can travel
1:00:37hundreds of yards wow I hundreds of
1:00:40yards further than what you are assuming
1:00:43is the tide line at any given moment so
1:00:46she and I are out walking on the beach
1:00:48to poop derpa derpa derp looking and
1:00:50poking it at crabs and going like a look
1:00:53at this and she's like oh wow pvp and
1:00:56i'm filming her walking on the beach and
1:01:00all of a sudden I look up and here comes
1:01:02a 2 foot wave and I've got the camera
1:01:09pointed at her and I see this thing and
1:01:14she looks up and sees this wave and I'm
1:01:1715 feet from her at this point and i go
1:01:22one knowing that she's two-and-a-half
1:01:27cannot outrun the wave does not even
1:01:30understand it with that command from
1:01:33daddy might just run to work the wave
1:01:35and she like takes a step to the left
1:01:38takes a step to the right and the wave
1:01:40hits her and this is this is New Year's
1:01:45it's not a warm wave em and she goes as
1:01:51you can imagine like apeshit and she
1:01:54tries to step she tries to keep her feet
1:01:56and you know one second two seconds
1:02:01three seconds she's she's fighting to
1:02:03mention she's 20 and she decides to nap
1:02:06she's fighting the wave and daddy is
1:02:08like holy shit and trying to get to her
1:02:11and just as I arrived at her she goes
1:02:15down into the water and I have this
1:02:18daddy moment where I'm like I've just
1:02:21lost my daughter to Poseidon and I
1:02:24grabbed her out of the froth and she
1:02:28said it isn't the look on her face
1:02:30tremendous and she is berserk and I am
1:02:35desert with panic and of course all the
1:02:38women folk who are part of my tribe who
1:02:42had the good sense not to be anywhere
1:02:43near the intertidal zone are standing up
1:02:47on the dry sand shrieking and I'm like I
1:02:51gotcha I gotcha
1:02:52we're fine we're fine and she's like
1:02:55kicking and going crazy and I carrier up
1:02:58the beach and then the other last
1:03:02salient feature of the oregon coast is
1:03:04that there are sand dunes where we were
1:03:07staying there sand dunes that are maybe
1:03:10a quarter of a mile that we have to have
1:03:13to traverse to get back to the the town
1:03:17so I'm carrying this very wet very cold
1:03:20very angry child and I put her inside my
1:03:24coat and I'm the whole time I'm talking
1:03:26to her like it's okay you're fine that
1:03:28that's sometimes the waves this is the
1:03:31thing about the ocean the ocean is
1:03:32wonderful but sometimes the waves are
1:03:35unpredictable and daddy really failed to
1:03:38protect you from that way but it's also
1:03:41good to remember the sea cannot be
1:03:43trusted to not ever put your faith in
1:03:46the sea he learned two valuable lessons
1:03:49about a dress today I don't trust daddy
1:03:52and don't let that sit because their
1:03:54trust anything but you can trust me now
1:03:56that I'm going to get you home and into
1:03:57the bath
1:03:59well six months later I'm going through
1:04:03my photos and i realize that i was
1:04:08filming her when she was hit by that
1:04:10wave and then get intended and then I
1:04:14immediately threw my phone in the in the
1:04:18big pocket of my of my parka but it was
1:04:23still running and so there is a film of
1:04:29you know my baby walking down the beach
1:04:31me talking to her were talking about
1:04:33crabs and then
1:04:34oh shit a rogue wave baby gets hit with
1:04:39rogue wave and phone immediately goes
1:04:41dark as it goes into my pocket but then
1:04:44there's an hour and a half of audio of
1:04:47me saying it's alright don't trust the
1:04:50sea and don't trust daddy at but you
1:04:53have to trust daddy this is the paradox
1:04:55of life and really we depend on the sea
1:04:59I know you're not going to understand
1:05:01this for a while you know like dad just
1:05:03you must have had a gentleman pumping
1:05:04all-time yourself well but I'm like that
1:05:07partly i am like calming my adrenaline
1:05:09by explaining to my daughter that the
1:05:12that the world is full of rogue waves
1:05:15and you know when you hear the kind of
1:05:18corduroy of of my wet pants as I'm
1:05:22walking through the dunes work block
1:05:25floor work carrying this like and she
1:05:28and you can hear her screaming and then
1:05:30you hear calm down here listening to the
1:05:32story of the sea and what just happened
1:05:34and so forth and so I have all this i
1:05:37have this movie that's an hour and a
1:05:39half long which itunes refuses to import
1:05:44into my computer because too long and so
1:05:50I go to the editing function like the
1:05:54trim function on the on the photo app
1:05:59and I say well I can trim off the last
1:06:03now I can trim off the last hour of this
1:06:06or whatever because it's just audio
1:06:08sitting in a wet coat hanging on a peg
1:06:12well you know the well basically the
1:06:16women folk sit in the kitchen and talk
1:06:18about what a bad father I am and the the
1:06:22trim function says it requires too much
1:06:25memory to trim this movie so you cannot
1:06:30trim it might all right you won't import
1:06:34it but you won't let me edit it and the
1:06:39the key bit you know the key first 10
1:06:42minutes of this is something i would
1:06:44like to keep quite frankly i would like
1:06:46to keep this video of her getting hit by
1:06:48the wave because it's because the story
1:06:51is going to come up again but i cannot i
1:06:55cannot employ can't get it off my phone
1:06:58and I can't and I can't edit it to get
1:07:03it off my phone and I honestly don't
1:07:05know what to do
1:07:06it's just sitting there it's not going
1:07:08this is the thing it's not gone yet but
1:07:11but my presumption is one day something
1:07:14will go back and then it'll just be like
1:07:18lost forever
1:07:20it's like an astronaut on the moon were
1:07:22like we're pretty sure they're still
1:07:23alive but we don't have a way to get to
1:07:25the up that's right that's right you're
1:07:27just waiting for the oxygen to run out
1:07:29my god
1:07:30and you know what what are my options
1:07:33i'm sure that's I'm sure that siracusa
1:07:35is gonna write me an angry letter saying
1:07:40that's not how you pronounce my name
1:07:45[Music]