0:00:00low a John I'm Merlin has gone good 40
0:00:12where you can say i went to the swimming
0:00:17pool who and I did some swimming
0:00:24wow yeah it's not it's not a thing that
0:00:26i am not a very good swimmer frankly you
0:00:30graceful in the water
0:00:32hi I'm i am i I'm a graceful bobber I'm
0:00:37a good barber but you know when i start
0:00:41to swim
0:00:42it's a combination of like yeah the two
0:00:45things you wouldn't think go together
0:00:46boredom and panic
0:00:48you have no idea how you actually pretty
0:00:54much my whole life how you can be on the
0:00:57verge of panic and yet also bored
0:00:59shitless but that is swimming today
0:01:03that's a whole body exercise yeah that's
0:01:05right it's a body and soul i spend the
0:01:07whole time like you know choking back
0:01:09just a freak out a pure freak out and
0:01:13you have swam my whole life there's no
0:01:15reason I should be such a bad like the
0:01:18psychic the psychology of Swimming's
0:01:21just don't know why you are you actually
0:01:24brilliant
0:01:25no no I think like a stone and I had a
0:01:28couple of experiences one time in Greece
0:01:30I swam out around the you know there was
0:01:34a big there's a big rock big real big
0:01:37rock and I swam out around pass the rock
0:01:39and got out into the into the chop and
0:01:45then i realized i had gone to the moment
0:01:47I realized I had gone too far
0:01:51it was you know it was too late to go
0:01:54back and also too far to go forward and
0:01:59I couldn't and and the waves were
0:02:02hitting the rock i couldn't get up on
0:02:04the rock it was a sheer cliff so I
0:02:07couldn't even like hold onto the rock
0:02:09because the waves were hitting it so
0:02:10hard it was a real
0:02:12the real kind of like yeah really set
0:02:14the tone and you know obviously i
0:02:18drowned and died and this is all a dream
0:02:24this is all the Jacob's Ladder things
0:02:28but a but yeah so anyway but that's that
0:02:32doesn't explain that shit that's
0:02:34everybody's had a near-death experience
0:02:36in the in the waters off mechanic is it
0:02:40is a good word for it
0:02:41yeah i think it's I'm just I'm always
0:02:44pushing it down much just like even in a
0:02:45even it with a ymca swimming pool
0:02:48I'm always pushing down the like talk
0:02:51like this is it i'm gonna take a
0:02:54mouthful of water and by the time they
0:02:55get to me i'm going to be a corpse
0:02:58I am I asking about your buoyancy and
0:03:01that's a personal question because I I I
0:03:04mean I've had was a kid what I've been
0:03:06eating frankly who cutting out the wheat
0:03:09is probably makes me even less buoyant
0:03:12yeah you're probably less bloated you're
0:03:15taking less air that's right let's gasps
0:03:17huh
0:03:18I i took like the is of course you can
0:03:21take to you know do you learn the very
0:03:23basics like there's a Red Cross
0:03:24certified class where you learn how to
0:03:26float and stuff like that and i don't
0:03:29know i'm not a scientist but it seems to
0:03:31me like most people should be plus or
0:03:33minus five percent roughly the same
0:03:35buoyancy wouldn't you think it
0:03:38I mean maybe I don't know what it is i
0:03:39remember them saying that like the sound
0:03:41silly but take a big breath because
0:03:43filling up your lungs make sure more
0:03:44buoyant but like my mother-in-law
0:03:46floating anything she's a little stick
0:03:48of the lady she's like three feet tall
0:03:50and she just she just gets in the water
0:03:52no Raph no nothing 80 years old and she
0:03:55just she floats like a little like a
0:03:57little fishing bobber yeah the water
0:03:59doesn't water now it repels her
0:04:02yes water water resistant the water ones
0:04:04me I'm on the same way at the bottom
0:04:07that wants me it's not even the water oh
0:04:09the waters just the vessel as the medium
0:04:12the bottom wants to be the center of the
0:04:14earth wants me
0:04:15you should read that watchman comic
0:04:16there's a lot of good yeah yeah
0:04:21I'm not now I know you're not a fan of
0:04:25things like being in small places if
0:04:27memory serves
0:04:27do you think about driving it sounds
0:04:30like it's on your mind
0:04:31uh not well you know of all the all the
0:04:34deaths from what I understand once you
0:04:38take the first big mouthful of water
0:04:40while the first big lungs full of water
0:04:42all all reports are that you do you have
0:04:47a have an overwhelming feeling of calm
0:04:50it doesn't hurt anymore and you just
0:04:53yeah nothing find way out really yeah
0:04:56right i mean and so when I think about
0:04:57drowning it's always in it's always in
0:04:59the context of like out the ship has
0:05:01gone down and I Here I am bobbing and
0:05:03how much do I want to live and those
0:05:06guys that those guys that like swim and
0:05:09swim and swim and find a buoy or swim
0:05:12and and you know make make friends with
0:05:16the giant tuna and they create a a raft
0:05:20for him seems like a lot of work right
0:05:22and it's just like how much do I want to
0:05:23live i'm out here in the ocean the first
0:05:25thing that nibbles on my foot like you
0:05:28know I'm gonna have a hard time holding
0:05:32back the desire to just say you know
0:05:34what it's been a good run
0:05:35whoo-hoo and I'm and an understanding
0:05:38that the first big lung full of air for
0:05:41the first big long full of water is like
0:05:42then it all it all just goes away and
0:05:45somehow your body is pre-programmed to
0:05:49drown painlessly you just your back in
0:05:53the womb who it's just we're not
0:05:56designed to be on the internet but dying
0:05:58in water not a problem
0:05:59that's right saltwater out saltwater in
0:06:01boom and then it all you know something
0:06:05in your lizard brain is just like Oh
0:06:06fucking thank God it would really be a
0:06:10dream for me because I'm so good at
0:06:12getting up on things as it is i think i
0:06:14could really be very dignified and that
0:06:17you just surrender and it's I mean think
0:06:19about drowning what a great thing about
0:06:21just like lost at sea not even drowning
0:06:24but like it's epic
0:06:25whatever happened to Merlin nobody else
0:06:27see but i bet he went pretty easy you
0:06:30know he wasn't for a dolphin or tuna
0:06:32baby Jones
0:06:34occur because of what do you do we need
0:06:36to survive on desert island no thanks no
0:06:38thanks four or even you know suffering
0:06:41severe sunburn and being saltwater I'm
0:06:43very sensitive to the Sun doesn't sound
0:06:45good but so for me no drowning their 100
0:06:50something recently that i think i found
0:06:53very chilling you might have heard if
0:06:55you ever like really read the Heimlich
0:06:57poster you know like when you're working
0:06:59oh no you need to learn that the only
0:07:01Spanish male right it's not even English
0:07:03that's just such a sickening John I'm
0:07:05sorry even hear that
0:07:07no no it's quick look I just I just I'm
0:07:13just skimming now so I died maybe i'm
0:07:15missing the English parts in Vietnamese
0:07:18and Spanish uh-huh okay um I i will eat
0:07:22you read on there like somebody wasn't
0:07:23all joking you know you they're not true
0:07:27they're not choking come on you remember
0:07:29it says you know check can't speak
0:07:31breathe or cough right right so if you
0:07:34say to somebody you know say your name
0:07:37or something like that say my name say
0:07:39my name on a bitch you want help
0:07:41it's when it's when people are going
0:07:42like this i can see you okay
0:07:46you see my hands around my throat right
0:07:48I get it ok here's what I learned from
0:07:50my friend is a lifeguard
0:07:51do you notice about drowning people you
0:07:53think oh you see somebody out there
0:07:54splashing around like they're in Jaws
0:07:56they must be drowning but did you know
0:07:58that a drowning person doesn't move one
0:08:02now listen go do your own due diligence
0:08:03before you decide whether or not to save
0:08:05somebody based on their behavior people
0:08:07go check my facts on this but i'm pretty
0:08:09sure that what lifeguards look for
0:08:10someone who's pretty far out and it's
0:08:13just is maybe like not doing well but
0:08:16they're not flapping around I think that
0:08:18once that water gets in there that's
0:08:20that calmness that you and I are looking
0:08:21for yes the calm that comes over one
0:08:25where you can slip the left guard 20 and
0:08:26just say let's not make a big deal out
0:08:28of this
0:08:28I think of a lifeguard to get to me i
0:08:30would i would at least put up i put up a
0:08:33fight
0:08:33well you know it's hard to save somebody
0:08:35because they fight ya when somebody's
0:08:36legitimate if they're legitimately
0:08:38drowning they will fight that's right
0:08:40the thing is like apology contract so
0:08:43it's not about like what if I was on the
0:08:45Indianapolis
0:08:46like if I was if I was Quint oh god what
0:08:50a great story
0:08:51come on what am I gonna do and how it
0:08:52was that water that's the other thing
0:08:53now you got the cold water situation
0:08:55like with the Titanic have you ever been
0:08:57in water that's like even like 50
0:08:59degrees 50 degrees you go that's a cool
0:09:01day that sweater weather in San
0:09:03Francisco 50 degrees in the water is so
0:09:06freaking cold one Memorial Day 1978 my
0:09:09friends open their pool in ohio and we
0:09:12were determined to get in this is the
0:09:14first day of the swimming season and we
0:09:16spend like probably six hours trying to
0:09:18get into the water because it was so
0:09:20cold you imagine being in that for like
0:09:21half an hour
0:09:22well as a matter of fact who it's a
0:09:26common practice in Alaska to be in the
0:09:30sauna and to come out of the sauna and
0:09:34run across the snow to the half frozen
0:09:38lake and run it run to the end of the
0:09:41dock and jump in
0:09:43what could possibly go wrong when you
0:09:45are but right at right as the the steam
0:09:48room has become so intolerably hot you
0:09:51can't breathe anymore your entire body
0:09:53is cooking you run down to the end of
0:09:56the document jump into the water which
0:09:59is just on the cusp of freezing see that
0:10:01goes right into that part of my life
0:10:03right everyone have to fill that out on
0:10:04a form and get explain to somebody what
0:10:07i was doing charged with an ice-cold
0:10:09like it was right after I'd been nearly
0:10:10dead from heat
0:10:11what happens in those moments is the
0:10:15shock is so extreme and the things you
0:10:16don't you go to the end of the dock
0:10:17you're not like you're not like
0:10:18tiptoeing into the water you go all we
0:10:20run to the end of the dock and then you
0:10:21are submerged who and the shock is so
0:10:25extraordinary that it blanks out
0:10:27everything that you poop
0:10:29well or something i have never pooped
0:10:31but he's done though you've ever had on
0:10:34this done it multiple times because once
0:10:36you do it once that then you it's it's
0:10:39incredibly addictive and what happens is
0:10:41all goes black like it the shock is so
0:10:45extreme there you you lose
0:10:48however long it takes for you to a
0:10:51minute that's like it's pretty like
0:10:53knocked out she's like knocked the wind
0:10:54out of you kind of feeling it knocks the
0:10:56soul
0:10:57you become an empty vessel for for a few
0:11:03seconds and then it all comes rushing
0:11:05back in and it is like being stabbed
0:11:08with a million needles
0:11:09yeah but its its exceptional it really
0:11:13is so well I'll tell you this about me
0:11:16and this this is going to be
0:11:17contradictory i guess but like if i go
0:11:19to a hotel man and they've got you go to
0:11:22really tricked out Marriott and they've
0:11:23got all of the like locker room
0:11:26facilities i will go in there was no
0:11:28Shana is that an urban dictionary thing
0:11:31and that this together the cult polish
0:11:34on now I i will utilize all of the
0:11:38facilities you can't get that steam hot
0:11:40enough for me even though is it strikes
0:11:41me every year it becomes clear to me how
0:11:44hygienic the steam room is when you
0:11:45really think about it let me tell you i
0:11:47got a pretty bad rash sure that's what
0:11:53is your condition
0:11:54not very long ago that's right haha is
0:11:56that I didn't want to ask i had a
0:11:57feeling it was a rash
0:11:58it was a rash from a steam room going
0:12:01well for me from a spa facility so it
0:12:03was either the hot tubs or the sauna
0:12:06gave me some kind of of bacterium but it
0:12:13wasn't a bacteria because the penicillin
0:12:15didn't work so it was a it was some kind
0:12:18of athletes foot of the body
0:12:21yes I right I told because the thing is
0:12:24I think about now and i don't think i'm
0:12:26up i'm not obsessed with these things
0:12:27but I think about it I know that there
0:12:30are various things various fauna the
0:12:32benefit from the sauna there are various
0:12:34things that if you go into a steam room
0:12:36you think about that that's like a
0:12:38little petri dish and it's dripping
0:12:39hello dripping off of the ceiling
0:12:42yes sano-sama associate fun leases to
0:12:45the dry heat and this on the side you
0:12:47can get us on hot enough for me I like
0:12:49it I like a good and hot
0:12:51but then i'll do that then go jump in
0:12:52the shower and jump it's a real super
0:12:54like middle-class white guy version of
0:12:56jumping in an Alaskan lake
0:12:57yeah my dad used to call that the
0:12:59executive work out how I find it
0:13:02extremely relaxing and it's what got me
0:13:04hooked on this some menthol shower spray
0:13:06I've got now
0:13:07John everything's changed since like
0:13:09something I max product
0:13:11yes yes that's right i got to get
0:13:14squeaky to scrape the ladies off the
0:13:15side menthol showers breath here's what
0:13:18you do it's really easy you can make it
0:13:19home you go out you were just covering
0:13:22yourself with the vicks vapor rub but
0:13:23every chance I get I need so little
0:13:26provocation to slather myself in tiger
0:13:28mom I find it incredibly comforting but
0:13:31a tiger balm was always always my LSD go
0:13:34to oh dude i'm selling your skin right
0:13:37now so when I when I would when I would
0:13:39take LSD I always had a little like a
0:13:41little Bota bag or not a boat back but
0:13:43like a little uh you know little Dopp
0:13:44kit got a chip get a trip get and you
0:13:50gotta have a trick by bubbles know there
0:13:53were no i wasn't a fucking girl that
0:13:59Jon's getting into his bubble I had a
0:14:01you know a pack of camel filters i had
0:14:03eight the weed I had a you know a bottle
0:14:07of water i had a a growth girls beer two
0:14:12girls peers may be an apple I always had
0:14:15tiger balm because when you're really
0:14:18you're really tripping and you're
0:14:21hanging out with some other trippers and
0:14:23you're all just your back to like monkey
0:14:25status we're just sitting there picking
0:14:27nits out of each other's hair
0:14:29one of the great things to do is take a
0:14:32little tiger balm and rub it on rub it
0:14:34on your friends temple-like so you're
0:14:38tripping and you're looking at each
0:14:39other and you're rubbin tiger balm in
0:14:40each other's temples and it's like
0:14:43you'll be careful not to get that in and
0:14:44I well that's the thing yeah you but
0:14:47your beer conscious of the difference
0:14:48between and I a temple no matter how
0:14:50high you are
0:14:51yeah right but its proximity to the I
0:14:53like you feel the mentholatum in the air
0:14:56around your eyeball through pretty heavy
0:14:59stuff who kept trip get there are few
0:15:02other items in there you should i know i
0:15:04know you enjoy bathing this the shower
0:15:07sprays its dynamic I got a recipe off
0:15:09the internet because if you go by the
0:15:10stuff in the store it's really expensive
0:15:11but you know that smell like you go into
0:15:13some kind of environment that kind of
0:15:14menthol sort of smell you are making
0:15:16your own menthol shower spray penny
0:15:20Penny's she hit any court you got a
0:15:24recipe of the internet for getting our
0:15:26bomb shower spray well here's what
0:15:29happened I i got some as a stocking
0:15:32stuffer from a lady last year and i
0:15:34liked it so much I wanted some off
0:15:36amazon turns out what I ordered was dog
0:15:39dog menthol spray is for if you wash
0:15:42your dog and you want to smell good
0:15:44so used all that up i finished it up
0:15:46online office get back to your lady now
0:15:48in my shower because i just bought some
0:15:50shampoo that's that's designed for
0:15:52horses Mane's and Tails I think that's a
0:15:54thing and it works great
0:15:57what's called the main event and I think
0:16:00it might be called mane and tail
0:16:01uh-oh watch yourself hoarse and it's and
0:16:06it came in you know conveniently in a
0:16:0750-gallon drum I've seen this I've seen
0:16:10this
0:16:10yeah all you gotta do and I don't know
0:16:12the exact amount so you know obviously
0:16:13don't do this without doing the due
0:16:15diligence searching the internet but
0:16:17it's you put in a few drops of us
0:16:19especially camp for you can put in some
0:16:21eucalyptus you get the little essential
0:16:23oil in a bottle right just a few drops
0:16:25and then you add in some witch hazel and
0:16:27water if you're in the witch hazel I
0:16:29think you don't have to spend it or
0:16:30something about to shake it shake that
0:16:32up you spray it when you run your super
0:16:34hot shower to get steamy yeah it's like
0:16:37a little spa right in your home and i
0:16:39are you buying like spray bottles at the
0:16:42at the the pack and save and that's a
0:16:44good question i repurposed the the dog
0:16:46spray bottle oh I get you
0:16:48yeah a rough for therapy or something
0:16:51did you go through a phase where the
0:16:52women in your life were all going
0:16:55through a phase where they were making
0:16:56their own bombs soaps medicament and and
0:17:01gels I can't I can't put my hand to one
0:17:04because i think it's a fairly recent
0:17:05phenomenon but i will say that after the
0:17:08dream of making your own jewelry and
0:17:09selling it on etsy I think making
0:17:11unnecessary soap has become a really
0:17:13popular thing about is a lot of soap
0:17:15with little sticks in it now
0:17:17yeah yeah about LLC and i got i was
0:17:19gifted a couple of bars of soap with
0:17:21sticks in it at one of our shows
0:17:24recently from some fans and one of them
0:17:27i'm using right now not right this
0:17:30minute but it's my current bathroom self
0:17:32the other one they had flavor
0:17:33do with patchouli oil a little a little
0:17:36peculiar not a little enough and it came
0:17:40into the house brought it home and came
0:17:42into the house with me and immediately
0:17:44everyone that that uses my house as
0:17:47their common area
0:17:48uh-huh they would walk in the house
0:17:50maybe like what is whoa whoa whoa who
0:17:53who's been here what dreadlocked person
0:17:55has been in your home and I was like oh
0:17:57I think it's this soap this lovely self
0:17:59that I was given as a gift and i would
0:18:02like to use your other bathroom some
0:18:04very nice people and eventually the soap
0:18:06like when people kept putting it in
0:18:08deeper and deeper nesting Tupperware
0:18:11containers until it finally just just
0:18:14nested its way right out of the house
0:18:16and I haven't I haven't seen it I don't
0:18:18have any proof of this but my sense is
0:18:20that just from my own experience there
0:18:23are certain smell related cosmetic
0:18:26things which I would include patchouli
0:18:29musk Drakkar Noir and comic lines that
0:18:34cover the light of session session right
0:18:36that's powerful stuff where something
0:18:39happens and you smell it once especially
0:18:41if your lady you smell it once you put a
0:18:43little on and something happens very
0:18:45quickly that you stopped noticing how
0:18:47much of it you're using I know that's
0:18:48true actually and enter this day I mean
0:18:51I if I it's like if you could smell the
0:18:53patchouli there's too much
0:18:54well and the problem with Calvin Klein's
0:18:56obsession is you never smell it anymore
0:18:59it's always one one girl for me when I
0:19:01smell that for the rest of my life it
0:19:03will always be exactly one woman me too
0:19:05and it's imprinted unfortunately I it
0:19:08imprinted on me in 1987 86 for me those
0:19:12girls name was Maureen lynn and uh it
0:19:17was on her like uh like the class like
0:19:21it was on her like fog in santa cruz
0:19:23like it was it was this is so thick on
0:19:29her
0:19:30I mean she put it on with a trowel and
0:19:32yet and yet now I'll be you know be on
0:19:35public transit i'll be in a strange town
0:19:37and someone who did not get a series of
0:19:42important memos and phone calls telling
0:19:45them to stop wearing calvin klein
0:19:46obsession in the early nineties will
0:19:49walk past I'll smell that smell and I'll
0:19:51be right back
0:19:52I'll be right back at Maureen's feet
0:19:54while she toys with me like a like a a
0:19:57catnip ball and it's 0 don't think you
0:20:04should get to retire fragrances
0:20:05definitely after a certain point i mean
0:20:07i i've enjoyed fragrances for myself in
0:20:09the past but when you look in your
0:20:13little boy you never put on love
0:20:14grandpa's hai karate or something
0:20:16no you know my mom would give me her old
0:20:19makeup and I would wear I would have a
0:20:22makeup kit I got a little purse and I
0:20:28didn't want to wear how old were you
0:20:30well this is the thing and what I when I
0:20:32think back to the seventies and I
0:20:34imagine like my mom and all of the
0:20:37people in my family and me like that
0:20:41it's old make it like that it's like a
0:20:44compact with just a little bit of stuff
0:20:46yeah the lipstick that was like down to
0:20:49it now the eyeshadow eyeliner that all
0:20:51the stuff and and I would make myself
0:20:55beautiful until I was probably 800 you
0:21:03could you could have got a couple more
0:21:04years out of that but you stopped at a
0:21:05good time I stop that I think what
0:21:07happened was I moved
0:21:08I'm i went to live with my dad when I
0:21:11was still well yeah between eight and
0:21:13ten and I didn't have access to the
0:21:16makeup anymore but my makeup kit my bag
0:21:20of makeup was one of my prized
0:21:21possessions and I would play dress-up
0:21:24and i would get I would make my face up
0:21:26and and I I cannot imagine that that
0:21:31wasn't causing a little bit of concern
0:21:36core or at least a little bit of like um
0:21:40I I imagine everyone was very interested
0:21:43in what was what i was talking like 19
0:21:467676 yeah but my mom when my mom was
0:21:51very encouraging
0:21:52she always whenever she got to the end
0:21:54of some makeup and there was just just
0:21:57the you know the last little bit of
0:21:59energy she decided she didn't like a
0:22:00color that was another thing she decided
0:22:03that has a certain color of lipstick or
0:22:05eyeshadow didn't work for you know i
0:22:06would get the anasso my makeup kit i had
0:22:08tons and tons of options and and I I
0:22:14remember looking back at it later in my
0:22:16twenties and realizing no one ever said
0:22:21a thing about it or looked at me
0:22:23sideways or made any kind of of untoward
0:22:28comment and I just happily verbal along
0:22:33making myself pretty dressing and you
0:22:35know I would wear the high-heeled shoes
0:22:36and the feather boas and parade around
0:22:39and you know and then just I mean these
0:22:44days I I I would be concerned that they
0:22:47would they would sign me up for sex
0:22:49reassignment surgery uh-huh but at the
0:22:51time it was just like I just one day I
0:22:53guess I i mean i was i was a I don't
0:22:57want to sound like Macklemore here but i
0:22:59was playing with guns and stuff too but
0:23:02it's not to say that women don't play
0:23:03with guns soon you know what I'm saying
0:23:05no in any case
0:23:08yeah it was a chance to get became less
0:23:10interesting and kind of went away you
0:23:12think it's because of going to your dads
0:23:14that you re i think i just didn't I
0:23:15wasn't i didn't have my makeup with me
0:23:17anymore I'd never became less
0:23:19interesting in fact I the other day did
0:23:22I was watching a sean connery movie
0:23:24which is to say russia house
0:23:30was watching russia house and throughout
0:23:34the movie Sean Connery is playing this
0:23:35sort of exaggerated character that is in
0:23:39some ways like maybe a just a just a
0:23:45slightly drunker me 10 years from now
0:23:47and I'm watching it and I'm like why is
0:23:51sean connery so beautiful even at 60
0:23:55years old
0:23:56why is he so compelling why do I want to
0:23:58look at his face
0:24:00what is it about Sean Connery's face and
0:24:03I realized Sean Connery has very
0:24:06interesting eyebrows huh
0:24:09Mikey's he's got he's got
0:24:11salt-and-pepper beard he's got
0:24:13salt-and-pepper hair in this film but
0:24:15his eyebrows are like two fuzzy South
0:24:19American caterpillars and so I'm sitting
0:24:24watching this movie and I'm thinking you
0:24:25know what my eyebrows are really blonde
0:24:29oh this you're right it is he has
0:24:32beautiful eyes and he has amazing
0:24:34eyebrows fantastic eyebrows and then I
0:24:36think I'm reflecting on my own face as
0:24:39I'm watching russia house and I'm
0:24:41realizing my eyebrows are barely visible
0:24:44if you looked at me from across the room
0:24:47you wouldn't even think i had eyebrows
0:24:49and here i am I got I got a
0:24:51salt-and-pepper beard I got the salt and
0:24:53pepper coming in my hair but my eyebrows
0:24:56have never they never came in basically
0:24:58my eyebrows never fully like arrived
0:25:02they just stayed this sort of blonde was
0:25:05be nothing that's why I've always said
0:25:08this to you more than more than my dad
0:25:11more than anybody I've ever known who
0:25:13looks different with the glasses off
0:25:14you look so different with your glasses
0:25:17off right because the glass you're
0:25:19almost unrecognizable your eyes are
0:25:20completely different yeah the glasses
0:25:22frames give me some eyebrow em they put
0:25:25some black contrast around my eyes and
0:25:29without it it's just it's just like a
0:25:31sandstorm from from my hairline to my
0:25:35you know to my tie
0:25:38basically it's just a it's like a it's
0:25:40like some dishwater
0:25:42that is being poured into some into a
0:25:45bowl Sam and so would like to have a
0:25:49margarine so I was like paused the movie
0:25:53and I got up and I went into the
0:25:55bathroom and I found a marker and I drew
0:25:58some eyebrows on myself and then I
0:26:01looked really different and looked uh I
0:26:09i well like on a discomforting Lee
0:26:12different and so I walked around for the
0:26:14rest of the day with these like marked
0:26:18in eyebrows and it was that there's a
0:26:23little bit of like Groucho Marx going on
0:26:26whoo-hoo um I couldn't quite decide that
0:26:30but anyways all by way of saying i don't
0:26:32think i ever did stop wanting to play
0:26:34with makeup i think i would still play
0:26:35with makeup if if I didn't you know I
0:26:38didn't have to represent all these punk
0:26:42rock ethics that I you know that I
0:26:44basically personified the culture who
0:26:47applied like a guy who doesn't trust his
0:26:50hair whatever as you said that I mean
0:26:55now first I googled pictures of Sean
0:26:56Connery and and he has absolutely
0:26:58amazing eyebrows it looks like their
0:26:59looks like they might be a very slight
0:27:02bit i coughed I think they're to do I
0:27:07think they haven't he dies his eyebrows
0:27:09and I think 30 styles as eyebrows
0:27:10ok ok and then some reason I started
0:27:14thinking of josh's character in JFK haha
0:27:18very right with the fake the figure go
0:27:21google David Ferrie w shaved his
0:27:24eyebrows hey literally what is alopecia
0:27:27that's a good question no no I he go
0:27:30search for David Ferrie to rie and you
0:27:33can see it looks like he essentially
0:27:35their actual guy looks like he pretty
0:27:37much took like a sharpie
0:27:39like a kind of sharpie that you use for
0:27:41like graffiti and just and gave himself
0:27:44a little frowns above his eyes
0:27:46Oh pop-up box its you have to their ears
0:27:52its distinctive you're looking at the
0:27:54actual guy right those eyes really stand
0:27:56out so here they pop if he did not have
0:27:59those eyebrows he would not be nearly as
0:28:00handsome
0:28:01wow wow that's a hell of a look zoom so
0:28:04so yeah so I so so I've been thinking
0:28:07like well now on the scale on the
0:28:10continuum of middle-aged male vanity
0:28:14where does dying ones eyebrows full ah
0:28:18that's a good that's a good question
0:28:20you know what I mean it's not like
0:28:21getting it's not like getting of fancy
0:28:23haircut it's not like spending a bunch
0:28:25of money on brown shoes well and let's
0:28:28go to the obvious ones it's not like
0:28:29getting something like a chemical peel
0:28:31right point omniscient ucky exactly
0:28:34talks as they call it
0:28:36who but dying my eyebrows would be a
0:28:39tremendous for some people it would it
0:28:41would be no it would be actually be a
0:28:43step back in the male vanity a hallway
0:28:47but for me it would be a giant leap for
0:28:52a guy who cuts his own hair and shave
0:28:54dry with a 99-cent razor to put coloring
0:29:00in his eyebrows to give his face more
0:29:02definition it just feels like a it's too
0:29:07it's too vain and yet I feel like God
0:29:11rip me off a little bit
0:29:13no no question but these with these non
0:29:15eyebrows like of all the things
0:29:19yeah I mean it's great to have a
0:29:20distinctive face
0:29:22I mean there has to be a kind of a
0:29:24combination of angles and softness and
0:29:28proportion and symmetry and all these
0:29:30kinds of things and so people who have
0:29:32slight they say like a weak chin for
0:29:33example or don't have much in the way of
0:29:35cheekbones right can make it seem like
0:29:37your face doesn't really have a frame to
0:29:39it
0:29:39yeah I said what you're saying is with
0:29:41this with this ice water being poured
0:29:43into a bowl of sand or whatever it is
0:29:45you feel like there's there's not enough
0:29:47clarity about where the top of your head
0:29:48is officially starting precisely and
0:29:51the thing is you know i would rather I
0:29:54would rather have a no eyebrows than a
0:29:59week chin
0:30:00let's just go on record there i could
0:30:03give up much in but uh but like eyebrows
0:30:09seem like a small thing as as you know
0:30:12as the great as the great chemist in the
0:30:14sky is putting all the little droppers
0:30:17of stuff into a into his cauldron and
0:30:21making a guy like he's got the eyebrow
0:30:24dropper and he's like man not this guy
0:30:28like that seems a little bit but first I
0:30:32just want to get out there i think this
0:30:33is well in the range of acceptable
0:30:35suitor vanity for a man of your age
0:30:38you're really enjoying being I'm being
0:30:40totally serious and i'll tell you one
0:30:41reason why it's not obvious that's going
0:30:44to be very much one of those things like
0:30:45when you get new glasses and people go
0:30:47what's different about you is in your
0:30:48haircut
0:30:49nobody's gonna think to go did you paint
0:30:51on your eyebrows right or did you did
0:30:53you do something to enhance your
0:30:54eyebrows did you get an eyebrow weave or
0:30:56something i don't think most people
0:30:57especially other men are going to notice
0:30:59at all now other men wouldn't notice
0:31:01applies if I started wearing an Indian
0:31:03headdress everywhere I want but right
0:31:07one down
0:31:08I had a friend i have a friend that back
0:31:10in the nineties he was a gay man who was
0:31:12about 10 years older than me his name is
0:31:14Frank and he was a Basque and his last
0:31:20name was spelt with a series of X's and
0:31:23tease and eyes and it was a to it that
0:31:29the actual pronunciation of it was just
0:31:31like just sounded like some italian name
0:31:33but to look at it spelled it just looked
0:31:35like somebody had had just thrown down
0:31:38some you know somebody was changing the
0:31:40marquee at a movie theater and they just
0:31:42threw down all the X's on the ground and
0:31:46this guy his name is Frank and he had
0:31:49absolutely the reddest hair red eye
0:31:53lashes red eyebrows read everything and
0:31:56he's a handsome flamboyant guy and one
0:31:59day I'm walking down the street and he
0:32:00was a well-known character in seattle
0:32:02walking down the street and this guy
0:32:04walks up to me and grabbed
0:32:05me by the shirt he goes hey and I was
0:32:07like get off me strange person and it
0:32:11was frank who had died his hair black
0:32:14but had gone the extra mile and had died
0:32:19not only his eyebrows but had died his
0:32:21eyelashes black oh he's a completist
0:32:24plans good at what i mean and Jesse's
0:32:26he's the he's cool he's committed he
0:32:28leans in and he you know he's like it's
0:32:31me and I went oh my god damn heat and
0:32:34the first thing he wanted to show me
0:32:35with his eyelashes seems like look at my
0:32:37eyelashes and she was utterly a
0:32:41different person a transformation that
0:32:45and you know and I i honestly think if i
0:32:48just colored my eyebrows I could
0:32:50disappear into a crowd and my best
0:32:53friend wouldn't recognize him i took my
0:32:55glasses off died my eyebrows I wouldn't
0:32:57have to change another thing you have it
0:32:59you know it's there and the thing is BP
0:33:01would not just wouldn't register is the
0:33:03cool part people just know John looks
0:33:06better
0:33:06we're not sure why it's probably because
0:33:07he cut out the wheat me right
0:33:10uh-huh John cut out the wheat and his
0:33:13eyebrows filled-in you think she
0:33:15actually i see i'm telling you i don't
0:33:17think i don't think they would notice i
0:33:19don't think they would be able to pay it
0:33:20i think it would be completely
0:33:21perplexing to them it would just be like
0:33:23you look rested
0:33:24I bet you look here's the thing you get
0:33:26contrast now right you're gonna look so
0:33:28rested you know you look at you look
0:33:31lonely sandwich he's got some good
0:33:33eyebrows I could everything you know Dan
0:33:36Benjamin big big eyebrows over a lot of
0:33:40the people you work with our eyebrow
0:33:41people hadn't thought about this and
0:33:44then me I'm like some kind of like like
0:33:47eyebrow desert
0:33:49I don't understand it's got some small
0:33:51part of John thinking why not mean how
0:33:53come I didn't get the eyedropper
0:33:54literally mhm
0:33:56I i think it's i think it's a terrific
0:33:58idea i think it's something you could
0:33:59start very modestly you could explode as
0:34:01with your mom your mom's a hand-me-down
0:34:03makeup you can experiment around the
0:34:05house while you're preparing a meal you
0:34:07can just try it on see if it's not too
0:34:09heavy
0:34:09well but here's the thing I there are a
0:34:11lot of so a lot of guys come up to me in
0:34:13there that you know that we've talked
0:34:14about this before they're insecure about
0:34:16their beards
0:34:17oh yeah and I get a lot of young guys
0:34:19with light beards wispy beard who think
0:34:22that a little hare Club for Men or
0:34:24whatever the best performance and
0:34:27surround us to get the stuff the like
0:34:29that precisely right or it's basically a
0:34:31graphite from a pencil you can get your
0:34:33beard right uh yeah that's the stuff the
0:34:34chuck norris and Steven Segal use where
0:34:37it's like your rides a sudden their
0:34:39beard looks like they were like giving
0:34:43cunnilingus to a cat and then face was
0:34:45covered with mentholatum you know where
0:34:49their it you know it is chuck norris's
0:34:51beard but it's clearly they took nor is
0:34:54literally eating pussy haha his beer
0:35:02his spirit is the fake check horses
0:35:04fake-looking but his beard is the fake
0:35:07is looking thing about him and I'm gonna
0:35:09get it as with the two-page we talked
0:35:11about its it's way too dark and ample
0:35:14it's too it's too pushy but it's really
0:35:15it's way too dark for man of his age
0:35:17Zach exactly and the problem but being a
0:35:20young guy who puts that paint in his
0:35:22beard is the same problem you all of a
0:35:24sudden you've got a beard that is that's
0:35:28completely implausible
0:35:30yeah you need your young person and if
0:35:32you have a blond beard it it it is
0:35:34evident in your eyes that your beard is
0:35:37blonde you can you can diet but your
0:35:40eyes betray the blonde the blondeness at
0:35:43yours at your Center and I'm worried
0:35:47that the blondeness that's still at my
0:35:49center will be evident over and so the
0:35:54the ruse of the eyebrows will at the
0:35:59game will be up even a stranger would
0:36:01look at me and say there's something
0:36:04blonder about you than you're repping
0:36:06well I you know you're a thinker I can't
0:36:09stop that but i think this could be a
0:36:12really valuable experiment experiment
0:36:14all you really need
0:36:15see I don't even know what to say which
0:36:16make up to get but i'm telling you if
0:36:18you had one lady who you trust
0:36:21we're right there right there right
0:36:24what if it was about that but but here's
0:36:28the thing and somebody who's good with
0:36:29makeup i can think of at least one lady
0:36:31you know that I know he's very
0:36:32attractive in it has great backup and
0:36:35and somebody you trust who could do it
0:36:37gradually and with the right color so it
0:36:40wasn't too much because here's the
0:36:42problem we get back to the Calvin Klein
0:36:43problem is now you may not know you
0:36:45might start going like oh this looks
0:36:46pretty great i should get a bigger hair
0:36:48hat let go you know what I mean and you
0:36:50you get so it's it's a it's a form of
0:36:52personal fetishization we're going like
0:36:54oh you know I look good with my teeth on
0:36:57yellowed I should get them whiter I
0:37:00should get I should get veneers put on I
0:37:02should get these giant choppers that are
0:37:04blindingly white and obviously take
0:37:05giant veneers where you can see the you
0:37:10can see the small yellow rotten tooth
0:37:11behind that guy like different but um
0:37:14yeah that right i mean you know a little
0:37:16bit of color in your eyebrows looks
0:37:18great and then all of a sudden I'm
0:37:20walking around and I you know I've got
0:37:21like a three finger eyebrows on either
0:37:23side you know exactly is that height
0:37:28there are three fingers right
0:37:31oh you brought a modern loosely me and
0:37:34it looks like Groucho you look like you
0:37:36have grease paint the shiny I break-ups
0:37:39well I feel like I feel like I need to
0:37:41do something about this i don't know
0:37:42whether it's that I thought I start
0:37:44wearing a run DMC glasses or that that I
0:37:48mean like I feel like maybe a glasses
0:37:50yeah no glasses where it just makes me
0:37:51just gives me recognize or whether i
0:37:55need to start doing my eyebrows a little
0:37:57bit you know
0:37:58yeah i just want to say John I would say
0:38:01step away from having any trepidation
0:38:03about this dive into this have some fun
0:38:05with that you are you are literally a
0:38:07performer
0:38:07this is part of your work oh true true
0:38:10true this could be excused Swift
0:38:12surrounding so should i be pretty today
0:38:14now she know she should be pretty you
0:38:17should die you should dive into this
0:38:18with gusto
0:38:19you could you could probably you know
0:38:21you might be you know what you could
0:38:23maybe get like I don't like Maybelline
0:38:25or a max factor or mary kay you know
0:38:28like apologies to get it free Chuck's
0:38:30maybe you could get some makeup
0:38:33well I've thought about this in another
0:38:34context which is the
0:38:37the mod haircut
0:38:40here's the thing about the mod haircut i
0:38:42mean like i like a Caesar come over and
0:38:45I'm talking about like a like a Style
0:38:48Council haircut like a floopy haircut
0:38:52um stop council who right now i'm
0:38:55thinking i can't decide if i'm thinking
0:38:56more like the guy from suede or like
0:38:59Keith Moon I its it well don't you don't
0:39:04you want floopy pseudo goth locks no
0:39:06think about Ron Wood em in 7d before he
0:39:12joined the stone like a shag like a
0:39:14share the paul weller maybe five years
0:39:18ago John a paul weller in well under you
0:39:23and I are well into the age where we
0:39:24need to think carefully about shaggy
0:39:26hair
0:39:26yeah no I know this is the thing but I
0:39:28never really had that you look tired
0:39:30it makes you look tired i feel like it
0:39:32does make you look tired but I can't
0:39:34decide whether it's just that people in
0:39:36the middle age you are still wearing a
0:39:38shag haircut are actually just tired
0:39:41like they feel like maybe those are the
0:39:43tired people
0:39:44yeah because I just don't trust my own
0:39:46instincts you can hear me being trying
0:39:48to be circumspect about this because I
0:39:49know like I I'm hey I'm to use your
0:39:52words a grotesquerie like I when I went
0:39:54in today and I got my eyes examined and
0:39:56got some new glasses are making for me
0:39:58and egg every single pair of glasses I
0:40:01put on look asinine still not nearly as
0:40:04good as the ones my sister-in-law
0:40:05throwaway nothing i'm angry but but
0:40:07every every pair of glasses I put on I
0:40:09looked like somebody who wanted to be a
0:40:11danish architect for halloween
0:40:13yes that was 60 yes you know they're all
0:40:16very angular and Nordic or something
0:40:20I and I just I'm afraid that if i get if
0:40:24i got a shaggy haircut like pretty soon
0:40:27i would be on the robert evans path like
0:40:29I would start like moisturizing it's
0:40:31right it's very Robin boys arises if you
0:40:33can say to I moisturize I could see
0:40:36moisturizing I don't even
0:40:38I think I think lack of moisturizing is
0:40:41maybe a problem for me because I i have
0:40:43I IH I get it just uh huh and the way
0:40:48that I solve my itch problem is that i
0:40:50put super hot scalding water on the the
0:40:53place where I hid genric I can't even
0:40:55tell you how much hydrogen peroxide I'm
0:40:57going through at this point I and it's a
0:40:59wonderful
0:40:59hi rush engines my game your you got me
0:41:02into that burning now and I I can't look
0:41:04back i use it on every part of my body I
0:41:06use a mouthwash probably three or four
0:41:07times a day and it foams and it burns
0:41:11that you know working
0:41:12yes but the problem the problem is i
0:41:16went into the doctor and and I said I so
0:41:19i'm using a lot of hot scalding water
0:41:21and a lot of hydrogen peroxide to get
0:41:25your my head it's 1920s took yer pretty
0:41:28much all of my problem because in my
0:41:32head I met i'm at a catalog facility
0:41:34theory and they are giving me weird
0:41:38times I thought you meant the bowels and
0:41:41yea even a lot of steel cut oats and
0:41:44scolding myself and pouring hydrogen
0:41:48peroxide into the woods and the doctor
0:41:50said well as it occurred to you that you
0:41:53are using I mean that hot scalding water
0:41:56and hydrogen peroxide both dry your skin
0:42:00against skin Socrates you maybe you may
0:42:05be experiencing itching because because
0:42:08of the treatments that you're giving
0:42:10yourself the unauthorized treatments and
0:42:12maybe what you should do instead is
0:42:13moisturize and I was like what is this
0:42:17an estee lauder emergency room
0:42:20I don't want to moisturize I don't want
0:42:23to become a guy who moisturizes but then
0:42:26I walked out of there and I was like is
0:42:28this this is this is another right I
0:42:30side of middle C I and this is the thing
0:42:32with me and maybe it's like he maybe
0:42:34it's like you and that unopened bottle
0:42:35of whiskey like it's their right for me
0:42:37like a friend of mine for I can for like
0:42:40a stocking stuffer gift-giving some
0:42:41keels cream
0:42:42yeah it was really it felt really good
0:42:45well sure that's how they get you you
0:42:47know I'm trying to I'm trying to go the
0:42:49other
0:42:49Eunice's isn't you too it's real and
0:42:53it's not even like I'm over a masculine
0:42:55anything it's just complexity thing if
0:42:57they don't want to and it's expensive
0:42:59it's very very costly hot water is
0:43:02negligible and costs even even during a
0:43:04drought and then then you become a guy
0:43:06who's like oh I can't go on that trip I
0:43:09forgot my crazy i forgot my cream i'm
0:43:13sorry i can't go walk to the top of the
0:43:15of the hill with you I have to go to
0:43:17town to get some more cream because
0:43:20without it I am i I'm a sobbing wreck
0:43:25we're going to have to catch a later
0:43:26funicular haha him I have to go pick up
0:43:29some creepy and propped up now in my in
0:43:32my old age i propped up by cream and a
0:43:35girdle and now you ever done that my
0:43:38eyebrow pencils I'm telling you man I've
0:43:41you boy up and they hold a back brace
0:43:43and make you feel real slender know what
0:43:46you're losing weight now because the
0:43:47week ready story continuing to lose
0:43:49weight or have you sort of most people
0:43:51get to a certain point and then they
0:43:52hang in the same plus or minus five six
0:43:54pound area
0:43:55yeah I have plateaued i have plateaued
0:43:57at what was formerly my fat weight like
0:44:01until I was 35
0:44:03I had a weight i had a top wait oh I
0:44:06know what you mean an apology
0:44:08yep yep and I never got to the thai hard
0:44:11hardly ever got to the top way when I
0:44:13did I was ashamed of Who and I was
0:44:15always striving to get back to the
0:44:17bottom way and I never quite got there
0:44:18but then sometime in my forties I went
0:44:23screaming past my top weight just like
0:44:26top-down stereo on hair blowing in the
0:44:30wind Nana the top weight was in the
0:44:34review beer I was flipping double birds
0:44:37i was peeing in a milk carton heading
0:44:41down the highway and so when I stopped
0:44:44eating wheat I like lost all that like
0:44:48secondary top-weight AJ stop way to
0:44:50jason's who top-weight annex and then I
0:44:54got back to like top-weight neighborhood
0:44:57and then i stalled and the wait wait
0:44:59stop going off and I started like cheat
0:45:02day started being
0:45:03cheat weekend started being cheated you
0:45:05know yeah but the thing is when I eat
0:45:08wheat I still feel to Harrow that's it
0:45:10that's it for me
0:45:11yeah I taken off some weight because I'd
0:45:13pretty much I did several I've done
0:45:15several health related things that I
0:45:17thought I needed to do getting more
0:45:19sleep
0:45:20trying to eat a lot more protein and you
0:45:22know here's the thing i mean it's cool
0:45:23yeah you know again back to the food for
0:45:25happy new year but you guys been so long
0:45:28since we've talked about it but for me
0:45:29it's real simple like I don't want to
0:45:32get into a thing I don't have the cycles
0:45:35or the interest to dive into something a
0:45:37totally bananas diet with a brand name
0:45:39all I do is to everything I can to avoid
0:45:42we accept when I can't and to eat stuff
0:45:45with as much protein as possible i'm not
0:45:47really worried about how much fat is in
0:45:48it it's just if stuff like like begin
0:45:51like beef jerky or things like that has
0:45:53just blood tons of protein in it and it
0:45:55will give you energy looking oh that's a
0:45:57snack but if you eat that you will feel
0:45:59better
0:45:59whereas if i go on to sit down I'm going
0:46:01to tuck into this two pounds of fucking
0:46:02chow mein and I feel like shit like that
0:46:06KFC now I'm out for like two days
0:46:09yep yep and i'm i'm the same but but i'm
0:46:13no longer i'm no longer accruing to
0:46:16myself all of the like what I what I was
0:46:20kind of what I was smugly calling the
0:46:25tangential benefits like oh I didn't
0:46:28quit eating way to lose weight quickly
0:46:30week because blood is a middle-aged man
0:46:33yeah I quit because of bullshit but then
0:46:36it turned into real and also i'm losing
0:46:39weight and now i'm not doing that
0:46:41anymore and now it just feels like i
0:46:43have a medical condition and i'm back in
0:46:46a fucking brace I'm back I'm back in a
0:46:48I'm back I'm back in my polio crutches
0:46:51and now now it's like I'm still a fat
0:46:55guy but i can't eat spaghetti anymore
0:46:57Oh No so anyways so the other day i was
0:47:01that that's terrible for a fact that
0:47:03it's not good that guys love spaghetti
0:47:06that guy if you get back i can't eat
0:47:08spaghetti what kind of fact I do so I
0:47:10was at the mall the other day for a
0:47:13totally different reason
0:47:15and I noticed that the more buying cream
0:47:17i was that was not buying cream i was at
0:47:19the mall because you know I'm a family
0:47:22man and family men are required to go to
0:47:24the mall food by the police and i went
0:47:28there and I saw that there was an LA
0:47:31fitness at the local mall and I became
0:47:35curious about what an LA fitness is what
0:47:38it represents
0:47:39uh-huh so I went and I looked it is a it
0:47:43is a chain of this is superficial and
0:47:45only pretends to like it if it's a yeah
0:47:48it's a fit its fitness place that is
0:47:50stuck in traffic for two hours just a
0:47:52locked door that's his call me sometime
0:47:53and and so now I am toying with the idea
0:47:57of joining a fitness club Bob Lee and
0:48:00then going and then we'll be talking
0:48:02about exercise are you gonna get bulky
0:48:04don't get bulky John i don't i don't
0:48:07think i think you know i have that skin
0:48:09that doesn't am good because i do not
0:48:12like looking at extremely fit all guys
0:48:14I'd rather see a saggy old guy and
0:48:16somebody with saggy old guy skin who
0:48:18happens to have muscle pumps horrifying
0:48:21using the chest of a muscular man
0:48:23horrifying
0:48:24yeah I mean it's not like the chest of a
0:48:26muscular old guys anything to write home
0:48:29well but at least its natural thing
0:48:31about old people is the Paraclete tell
0:48:33you I mean listen I'm looking at a
0:48:34picture of paul weller right now and his
0:48:36skin is the color of oxblood I mean he
0:48:40is he is literally a court oven shoe
0:48:43according to shoot from that is a
0:48:45quarter-inch it has a quarter inch of
0:48:47the face he has like a fringe of hair in
0:48:51in like salt and pepper
0:48:55that looks like somebody put a sham
0:48:57while on his head but he looks awesome
0:49:00he looks amazing but it was like he
0:49:02looks like somebody left them out in the
0:49:04Sun a little too i mean just in the
0:49:05sense of he looks like he's a little
0:49:07raisiny well he does and if you don't
0:49:09sure I guarantee you it would look like
0:49:11somebody somebody hung two persons on a
0:49:15tree
0:49:17not good what if you can tell your
0:49:24trainer that's what you're looking for
0:49:26yeah somebody hung two small brown
0:49:28percent on a trip by the thinking more
0:49:31like guys like to evening bags nothing
0:49:33ostentatious but something to keep keep
0:49:36the cream in but he looks great
0:49:40he's graduating without didn't Nick Lowe
0:49:41and I'd known it low i'm gonna guess i'm
0:49:44gonna guess you know he's rich right we
0:49:45talked about the scene it was Richard
0:49:47Nixon logarithm never believed in a
0:49:48million years he wrote uh didn't get
0:49:51rich from using steam no no even better
0:49:54like what is the path to fame today I
0:49:56just like for example you make anything
0:49:57up the OC soundtrack
0:49:59oh yeah he has a song on the bodyguard
0:50:03soundtrack
0:50:05yeah rising tide raises all those boom
0:50:09yep so he can do what he wants now
0:50:11because he's on the fucking bodyguard
0:50:12soundtrack right and that was like the
0:50:13most advanced properties yes precisely
0:50:16yeah yeah that happened to the posies
0:50:18are you all rested powers know they had
0:50:22that song on reality bites soundtrack
0:50:24oh you're kidding me and the reality
0:50:26bites soundtrack for whatever what it
0:50:28was it represented at that moment in
0:50:30time I think that people wanted to buy I
0:50:32don't know I thought it was like
0:50:34Soundgarden e-meter jami I don't know I
0:50:37never that's awesome that's so that's so
0:50:39great so that's that that's how they can
0:50:41afford that luxury that they enjoy yeah
0:50:43right exactly so they you know i think
0:50:45that i think i think they have a extra
0:50:48cash Chris blue says he's thinking of
0:50:50retiring getting into the check-cashing
0:50:52business
0:50:53oh here's a picture of paul weller with
0:50:56a with a fat Tommy
0:50:58Oh something's going on with Paul keep
0:51:02sucks
0:51:03oh with the purple shirt purple shirt is
0:51:05local chubby how he's getting that old
0:51:07lesbian look yet but he does the quick
0:51:09an old lesbian he looks like he's a
0:51:10singer of the psychedelic furs
0:51:12there is that one tumblr what is it old
0:51:18man who looked like lesbians or
0:51:20something like that
0:51:21yeah I I got to the last page i looked
0:51:24at every single page and i was sad when
0:51:26i got to the end it might've been a
0:51:27blogspot thing but you know I gotta say
0:51:29nothing against paul well I am a fan I'm
0:51:31a big-time sure but like I he kind of
0:51:34looks like a lot of these photos it
0:51:36looks a little bit like he had a
0:51:38makeover for a time like you got it you
0:51:41know what I'm saying this is again
0:51:42nothing to disparage him he looks great
0:51:44but it looks like he put this look
0:51:46together for a while and that it was
0:51:48hard to sustain that haircut is not a
0:51:50haircut is not gonna take care of itself
0:51:52you don't get that thing cut every two
0:51:53weeks yeah yeah well I and that's the
0:51:56thing it's a signature look so he can't
0:51:58he can't get away from it you know what
0:52:00I mean like it's not like paul weller
0:52:02can just start wearing his hair like a
0:52:05normal guy
0:52:06yeah if there's there's an expectation
0:52:07that he's going to show up in that hair
0:52:09and that is a thing I have always tried
0:52:11to avoid in my own case not that I'm
0:52:14under the same pressure that Paul Weller
0:52:15is under to represent well but you know
0:52:18like whatever people say whenever people
0:52:22start talking about my beard too much I
0:52:23shave it off just to be difficult and
0:52:27the the problem with that of course is
0:52:28that as i get older i don't want to
0:52:30shave my beard anymore it's just too
0:52:32much just to recognizing over and
0:52:36whenever I go to Europe people are in
0:52:38that European way they're always really
0:52:40happy to tell me like you should never
0:52:42shave your beards you look a lot better
0:52:44without some ways to get your face is
0:52:47not as good and sweet tribute it's
0:52:50probably it's probably a very very long
0:52:52german word for beard Shape this shut up
0:52:55you people
0:52:56yeah i'm sure there is and i'm sure they
0:52:57have said it to me and I i'm already
0:53:00looking at the next person in the
0:53:01Merchant I don't want to belabor this a
0:53:03physical appearance issue but it is this
0:53:06kind of the sort of haircut you're
0:53:08thinking about well know now that i see
0:53:10it on something vanderslice ii kinda
0:53:12Paul vanderslice you know what what's
0:53:15interesting about it when you really
0:53:16look at those haircuts is they're very
0:53:17choppy like they're they are they're a
0:53:21little too like I remember when
0:53:23vanderslice first started to cut his
0:53:25hair really
0:53:26really hip really young and I felt like
0:53:3130 you know he's not he's not and and I
0:53:35felt looks good looks real good
0:53:37he does look good but that but my
0:53:39initial feeling was that it was a little
0:53:41too chair noble like its it seemed like
0:53:48somebody got a little too many red we're
0:53:50just glad you're alive i think what I'm
0:53:53thinking of is ron wood or I'm thinking
0:53:54of caregiving of Keith Richards it's
0:53:56like 70 Sarah faces Iran would like but
0:54:00spiky spiky but long time he looked like
0:54:04Elvira I could find my friend i will i'm
0:54:07afraid that the the part of me that
0:54:09wants to be Keith Richards in 77 it was
0:54:12gonna get this is like by this is like
0:54:14buying a Corvette it's going to right at
0:54:19the point where I finally like feel like
0:54:22I've earned the right or I i can finally
0:54:25you know I in my mind I can pull it off
0:54:27I will already be so far past be able to
0:54:31pull it off and i will just I'll just
0:54:33look like such a dope and also keith
0:54:35richards great eyebrows who and you know
0:54:38and black hair like I don't have those
0:54:40things
0:54:40well let us talk about the elephant in
0:54:42the room if you got these color to a
0:54:44point where people could tell that you
0:54:45have eyes do you think you do you see
0:54:47yourself doing any shaping maybe of the
0:54:51eyebrows oh yeah I mean I'm not saying
0:54:53you go nuts and the same goal David
0:54:55Ferrie but do you see yourself you know
0:54:56doing some doing some manscaping of your
0:54:59eyebrows you can get a great look you
0:55:01get like Ashley Judd kind of a brown
0:55:03like that changes everything
0:55:04there's a lot there's a lot of people
0:55:05out there who look completely different
0:55:07after they did their eyebrows up well
0:55:09let me tell you here's the thing about
0:55:10that about my eyebrows it is not just
0:55:12that they that I have these big blonde
0:55:16eyebrows and you just can't see them
0:55:17because they're blonde like I barely
0:55:20have eyebrows is just hard to listen to
0:55:22teach on the side of blonde hair up
0:55:24there and the fields as i get older now
0:55:27the hairs that are there are starting to
0:55:29grow really long yako Brezhnev yeah i'm
0:55:33already getting wizard eyebrows but they
0:55:35are
0:55:35but there's no there's not like there's
0:55:38not really much there so it's like one
0:55:41Brezhnev sticks out and then you know I
0:55:45have the have the the rest of my
0:55:47eyebrows like belong on an
0:55:48eleven-year-old girl so i would have to
0:55:51i would have to really just basically i
0:55:56would have to fraudulently put eyebrows
0:56:00on myself or go some goes away and maybe
0:56:03have to have eyebrows surgically
0:56:05implanted can you get can you go to a
0:56:08like a hair club type so I get this
0:56:11Broadway this is the beauty of such a
0:56:13modest change is that there are so many
0:56:15things you could go to a fucking
0:56:17Halloween supply store to start you know
0:56:20you can go up as high as you want i
0:56:21would say don't go with things like the
0:56:23tattooing in the permanent anything
0:56:24because you never know you never know
0:56:26what you eating everything fashions
0:56:27change you know what I mean you might
0:56:29decide that you you might finally have
0:56:31freaked out someday I want to shave off
0:56:32your eyebrows with no one would notice
0:56:35John I don't think it's going to take
0:56:40all that much for this to really make
0:56:42your eyes pop you look good you should
0:56:44do it well
0:56:45ok so now now the question of course is
0:56:47that mrs. ever since I discovered ebay a
0:56:51week ago
0:56:52yeah yeah i saw this you've been now
0:56:54even bidding I've been on ebay and you
0:56:57know and it's the wrong place for me to
0:56:58be first of all and it is not it does
0:57:02not bring out your better angels and
0:57:04then the mi fear about this eyebrow
0:57:06thing is that it is another example of a
0:57:09kind of creeping materialism in my life
0:57:11where if I'm really honest if I really
0:57:17search my feelings i am trying to solve
0:57:20a different problem than a lack of
0:57:23eyebrows
0:57:24I'm trying to put eyebrows on a
0:57:28basketball you know what I mean I'm
0:57:31trying to I'm drawing a face on a
0:57:34volleyball and i am i'm investing my
0:57:38friendship in it
0:57:40except you're also the volleyball and
0:57:42then one day what you are Wilson the the
0:57:45one day the sea will take Wilson back
0:57:47oh and then where will I be so I need to
0:57:52I need to really ask myself do I meet so
0:57:54the other day i was on i was on the
0:57:56internet i was on ebay and i realized
0:57:58that i did not even know that such a
0:58:01thing as a tie case existed you know
0:58:05that I cases now I know about tie racks
0:58:08right what I case is a piece of luggage
0:58:11a small piece of luggage that holds your
0:58:15times are just be throwing written all
0:58:17over it right it's a total Jesse thorn
0:58:20thing and there and so all the fancy
0:58:23people like hermes and a Christian I
0:58:30think if you deliberately pronounced it
0:58:31wrong and stays masculine and you know
0:58:35and and whatever gucci these guys they
0:58:40all make thai cases out of Corinthian
0:58:43leather and then I should you not they
0:58:47will sell them for three hundred dollars
0:58:49or five hundred dollars or in the case
0:58:51of louisvuitton probably $1,500 empty
0:58:55not even a tie-in it doesn't include
0:58:58another thing coming like a starter time
0:59:01no its just oh it is just a piece of
0:59:03luggage that is the size and shape of
0:59:06half of a tie and you are meant to put
0:59:08your tie in it and fold your tie a
0:59:10couple of times and then put it in this
0:59:12case in the case keeps it protected this
0:59:13isn't a single ty i think you can put to
0:59:16you 24 times it now that's funny and you
0:59:20tuck it into your luggage is a total
0:59:22Jesse third thing is he is attacking his
0:59:24it you know his latest set of like
0:59:27five-thousand-dollar luggage guys know
0:59:28he's got his cravat brush holder and
0:59:30guarantee you next to his cravat brush
0:59:33holder case there is he has at least one
0:59:36time case if not if not several anyway
0:59:39so i'm looking online and I was like I
0:59:40didn't even know that there was such a
0:59:42thing as a tie case and now i want one
0:59:45yeah now i want to take it all sex
0:59:47politics and I'm on ebay
0:59:50but I have this I still have this thrift
0:59:52store mentality which is that the point
0:59:55is not to get a thing at fair value the
0:59:58point is to find a thing
0:59:58point is to find a thing
1:00:00that other people don't understand the
1:00:03final thing that is ridiculously
1:00:04underpriced because nobody notices it
1:00:07like that's the thrift store game you go
1:00:10in there and I mean I see things in
1:00:12thrift stores all the time that are that
1:00:14they know what it is they have priced it
1:00:15reasonably and I am contemptuous of it
1:00:19because reasonable price is not what I'm
1:00:24one that's not why I'm here I'm here to
1:00:27beat the game and find the diamonds in
1:00:31the rough
1:00:32so I'm on ebay and i'm looking at all
1:00:34these Thai cases I'm like well there's a
1:00:36thai case that's it that's a handsome
1:00:37thing it's only nine dollars 999 i'm
1:00:42gonna bid on it and I bet on it and then
1:00:44two days later i come back and it's $75
1:00:47because it's a hermes and I say that is
1:00:52ludicrous like that is ludicrous
1:00:55it's a it's a ludicrous item to own let
1:00:59alone to pay real money for let alone to
1:01:02fight other anonymous people over so
1:01:06then I'm like I'm searchin searchin I
1:01:07find another tie case I'm like a lesson
1:01:09that's it that's a nice-looking ty case
1:01:11that's by a luggage company called
1:01:13Gurkha and I bet on it 99 couple days
1:01:17later i come back $55 and it sent three
1:01:21days left to run and I'm and so I'm
1:01:25getting emotionally worked up because
1:01:29other people are stealing my tie cases
1:01:32and I'm not really considering a I
1:01:36didn't even know what a tight case was
1:01:38ok i'll be i do not need a tie case I'm
1:01:4145 years old I've never needed one
1:01:43before I don't need one now and see a
1:01:47these two of these type cases are
1:01:50precisely items of conspicuous the
1:01:55ultimate the whole point is the chair
1:01:57that you buy something expensive
1:01:58yeah you could make a tie case if you
1:02:00can make a holster out of cardboard and
1:02:03and packing tape you can make a fuckin
1:02:05ty case on her cards right about
1:02:07functions event of Evelyn good you get
1:02:09it just because it's fancy
1:02:11I that was a Thorstein Veblen reference
1:02:14and you know I don't usually stop
1:02:17I don't usually stop the the car and get
1:02:19out to give you and give you a round of
1:02:21applause but that was very nice
1:02:23that makes me happy uh so but in any
1:02:28case i did find that I case and and i
1:02:30realized i looked at i looked on there
1:02:33and-and-and I realized it was a
1:02:35Christian Dior and the owner didn't know
1:02:38what it was a hole that's right in your
1:02:40wheelhouse that nobody else bothered to
1:02:43because it was like it didn't say to
1:02:45your honor but there was a little emblem
1:02:46that was like some early dior stamp and
1:02:50I don't care about christian dior I
1:02:51don't have a single item of that brand
1:02:55it means nothing to me but the fact that
1:02:58there was this thing which I did the
1:03:00research to know was a thing that value
1:03:03that the owner and the other customers
1:03:06did not recognize was a thing I was very
1:03:08excited and I bid on it and I want it
1:03:10congratulations for five dollars
1:03:14Wow get out walk away you're done with
1:03:17vegas I've dollars and then six dollars
1:03:19shipping so eleven dollars total I gotta
1:03:21tie case a vintage Christian to your tie
1:03:24case which the next time i see Jesse
1:03:27thorne I'm going to waggle it in front
1:03:30of his nose
1:03:31i'm going to say i'm in a wagon so he
1:03:33can smell the Corinthian in the leather
1:03:35is a look at that
1:03:38waggle waggle waggle waggle I'm not even
1:03:41gonna put ties in it i'm just going to
1:03:43carrier I'm gonna carry it around in the
1:03:45hopes i'm gonna run into jesse thorn so
1:03:48i can i can draw it under his nose and
1:03:50be like five dollars will be like why do
1:03:53you look different