Roderick on the Line

00:00:00 ◼   ► founded my dad [TS]

00:00:06 ◼   ► [Music] [TS]

00:00:12 ◼   ► hello Daejeon hi Merlin is going good my [TS]

00:00:18 ◼   ► feet are cold [TS]

00:00:19 ◼   ► oh yeah I i am i am wearing a sweater [TS]

00:00:24 ◼   ► but i forgot to put slippers on slipper [TS]

00:00:28 ◼   ► Chris yeah I have slippers [TS]

00:00:29 ◼   ► ok I gotta slippers you got I don't live [TS]

00:00:32 ◼   ► in California I i have slippers don't [TS]

00:00:34 ◼   ► talk that way to me in my house you know [TS]

00:00:36 ◼   ► drafting my house is my house has my [TS]

00:00:39 ◼   ► house has the original furnace from 1922 [TS]

00:00:41 ◼   ► and which means there is a chimney blast [TS]

00:00:45 ◼   ► coming straight up the middle through [TS]

00:00:46 ◼   ► one of its other words chim-chim blast [TS]

00:00:50 ◼   ► the battle part of heat of theirs i have [TS]

00:00:57 ◼   ► i have a couple of pairs and nothing [TS]

00:00:58 ◼   ► comes out of the other ones nothing [TS]

00:01:00 ◼   ► yeah well you live in California right [TS]

00:01:03 ◼   ► it's like our socks like a gentleman [TS]

00:01:05 ◼   ► like 800 degrees every day [TS]

00:01:07 ◼   ► oh you can be California was sunny all [TS]

00:01:09 ◼   ► the time we go swimming and I know my [TS]

00:01:12 ◼   ► dad used to say that we have cold this [TS]

00:01:15 ◼   ► winter I ever spent was a summer example [TS]

00:01:17 ◼   ► this car is over [TS]

00:01:19 ◼   ► uh-huh i have three pairs of slippers [TS]

00:01:23 ◼   ► wow why would that surprise me i have an [TS]

00:01:27 ◼   ► old pair of like elk skin slippers from [TS]

00:01:32 ◼   ► from the old days from Alaska then I [TS]

00:01:36 ◼   ► have a more modern pair of slippers [TS]

00:01:38 ◼   ► slippers cy5 put some more modern you [TS]

00:01:42 ◼   ► have a new the the sort of a wishbone [TS]

00:01:44 ◼   ► suspension and then so i guess you [TS]

00:01:46 ◼   ► better torsion control [TS]

00:01:48 ◼   ► that's right exactly exactly better [TS]

00:01:49 ◼   ► cornering and then I have a pair of [TS]

00:01:51 ◼   ► slippers that were given to me as a [TS]

00:01:53 ◼   ► christmas present it's a classic [TS]

00:01:55 ◼   ► christmas present gift for a man it's a [TS]

00:01:57 ◼   ► fallback in ya get a slipper and I have [TS]

00:01:59 ◼   ► a pair of slippers that are the bug [TS]

00:02:01 ◼   ► brand roof [TS]

00:02:04 ◼   ► but they don't look like the boots [TS]

00:02:06 ◼   ► they're just normal slippers but doesn't [TS]

00:02:08 ◼   ► make you look like a twenty-year-old go [TS]

00:02:10 ◼   ► and get that yeah you don't look like a [TS]

00:02:12 ◼   ► 20 year old girl that doesn't know how [TS]

00:02:14 ◼   ► to address you look like a normal guy [TS]

00:02:16 ◼   ► but in slippers that are from Australia [TS]

00:02:18 ◼   ► is the tired all the time so I put them [TS]

00:02:21 ◼   ► on when I'm walking around my my my old [TS]

00:02:23 ◼   ► house in the winter but i forgot today [TS]

00:02:24 ◼   ► so right now i have a I I just wrapped a [TS]

00:02:27 ◼   ► jacket around haha ah pretty soon that [TS]

00:02:33 ◼   ► voice that Dad voice is not going to be [TS]

00:02:35 ◼   ► affected [TS]

00:02:36 ◼   ► no it's gonna be I'm I've here myself [TS]

00:02:38 ◼   ► transitioning to it all more and more [TS]

00:02:39 ◼   ► all the time it's just like one where [TS]

00:02:42 ◼   ► the hell are my slippers understand- [TS]

00:02:45 ◼   ► three pairs of slippers like it happens [TS]

00:02:47 ◼   ► to me all the time I started buying [TS]

00:02:50 ◼   ► multiples of my staple articles of [TS]

00:02:52 ◼   ► clothing and i still can't find them i [TS]

00:02:55 ◼   ► have six different carhartt caps and [TS]

00:02:58 ◼   ► it's unusual that i can find one of them [TS]

00:02:59 ◼   ► i just keep losing them or miss laying [TS]

00:03:02 ◼   ► them your carhartt cap is such an icon [TS]

00:03:05 ◼   ► it's like the Swiss Army knife of [TS]

00:03:06 ◼   ► headgear yeah it keeps you warm you know [TS]

00:03:09 ◼   ► a lot of the heat escapes you know [TS]

00:03:11 ◼   ► through the head to the head yeah yeah [TS]

00:03:13 ◼   ► and you can take a nap in it you can you [TS]

00:03:16 ◼   ► can curl all the way up inside it [TS]

00:03:18 ◼   ► yeah you can go into a little ball and [TS]

00:03:19 ◼   ► rock just good [TS]

00:03:21 ◼   ► there's a ladder in there and you just [TS]

00:03:23 ◼   ► keep climbing up into your hat [TS]

00:03:25 ◼   ► you know I i was just in New York and I [TS]

00:03:28 ◼   ► took the plunge [TS]

00:03:30 ◼   ► i don't i'm not even sure I'm going to [TS]

00:03:32 ◼   ► tell you about this because you're gonna [TS]

00:03:34 ◼   ► lie i'm not sure what your reaction is [TS]

00:03:36 ◼   ► going to be like to think I'm supportive [TS]

00:03:38 ◼   ► alright well I took the plunge and i [TS]

00:03:40 ◼   ► bought some skinny jeans [TS]

00:03:42 ◼   ► oh wow oh yeah you're struggling if I [TS]

00:03:46 ◼   ► hadn't if I hadn't prefaced that you you [TS]

00:03:49 ◼   ► might have had a different reaction than [TS]

00:03:50 ◼   ► 25 years ago wasn't worried [TS]

00:03:52 ◼   ► well that's true that's true but now you [TS]

00:03:55 ◼   ► know you're in a transitional period [TS]

00:03:57 ◼   ► you're having a sexy little Jackson know [TS]

00:03:58 ◼   ► you kidding me I'll come on be serious i [TS]

00:04:01 ◼   ► said around all weekend just being [TS]

00:04:02 ◼   ► envious [TS]

00:04:03 ◼   ► haha just envious I've been envious of [TS]

00:04:05 ◼   ► you all my friends like for a week not [TS]

00:04:07 ◼   ► publicly no no but privately envious you [TS]

00:04:10 ◼   ► guys are you guys are very are sitting [TS]

00:04:11 ◼   ► around talking about dicks in New York [TS]

00:04:13 ◼   ► and I'm I'm sitting there watching [TS]

00:04:14 ◼   ► chinese [TS]

00:04:14 ◼   ► these depressing so anyway season there [TS]

00:04:18 ◼   ► you were that you were the missing [TS]

00:04:19 ◼   ► element [TS]

00:04:19 ◼   ► haha yeah this is shining comfort [TS]

00:04:23 ◼   ► no Sean was on point my god he was [TS]

00:04:25 ◼   ► hilarious and because it's gotten so [TS]

00:04:27 ◼   ► handsome John giant lovefest oh gosh can [TS]

00:04:30 ◼   ► we talk about we circle back to that I'd [TS]

00:04:31 ◼   ► like to hear more about that but it [TS]

00:04:33 ◼   ► wasn't exactly skinny or they physically [TS]

00:04:35 ◼   ► skinny they're both right so I'm so [TS]

00:04:38 ◼   ► here's what happened a year ago Jonathan [TS]

00:04:40 ◼   ► Coulton and I were playin that christmas [TS]

00:04:42 ◼   ► show down at the city winery in the in [TS]

00:04:45 ◼   ► the lower lower part of Manhattan that [TS]

00:04:47 ◼   ► the meatpacking Soho's or wherever the [TS]

00:04:52 ◼   ► hell and I jumped up on stage during the [TS]

00:04:54 ◼   ► soundcheck in a kind of Cavalier Way [TS]

00:04:56 ◼   ► like yeah I'm a 40-something guy but I'm [TS]

00:04:59 ◼   ► gonna just I'm not going to take the [TS]

00:05:01 ◼   ► stairs i'm going to jump up on the stage [TS]

00:05:03 ◼   ► and a and the crush of my pants ripped [TS]

00:05:07 ◼   ► out and it was during the soundcheck and [TS]

00:05:11 ◼   ► I'm like this is you know this is what [TS]

00:05:13 ◼   ► it's come to I'm 30-something guy and [TS]

00:05:16 ◼   ► I'm lucky I didn't throw my back out [TS]

00:05:19 ◼   ► when I jumped up on the stage but i did [TS]

00:05:21 ◼   ► totally destroyed my kids start to [TS]

00:05:24 ◼   ► really do just enough cognition to know [TS]

00:05:26 ◼   ► something is going wrong and you make [TS]

00:05:28 ◼   ► that the category error trying to [TS]

00:05:29 ◼   ► compensate midland well and I don't know [TS]

00:05:32 ◼   ► when I felt and heard the ripping I was [TS]

00:05:35 ◼   ► like hernia [TS]

00:05:36 ◼   ► what did I just rip my groin no thank [TS]

00:05:40 ◼   ► goodness it was just these old khakis [TS]

00:05:42 ◼   ► so I said to everybody at the show I was [TS]

00:05:45 ◼   ► like listen I'm not going to play the [TS]

00:05:46 ◼   ► show with my pants ripped i'm going to [TS]

00:05:48 ◼   ► go out this is like Manhattan this is a [TS]

00:05:50 ◼   ► prime shopping district here the west [TS]

00:05:53 ◼   ► village I'm going to run over i'm going [TS]

00:05:56 ◼   ► to get a pair of pants so I run out of [TS]

00:05:57 ◼   ► the venue and I'm going shop to shop [TS]

00:06:00 ◼   ► through this sort of west village [TS]

00:06:03 ◼   ► shopping area and every pair of pants is [TS]

00:06:05 ◼   ► five hundred dollars [TS]

00:06:06 ◼   ► like I run into a Ralph Lorenz store but [TS]

00:06:09 ◼   ► it's some kind of flagship Ralph Lorenz [TS]

00:06:12 ◼   ► store where all the you know and the [TS]

00:06:15 ◼   ► other that the powerful not like any [TS]

00:06:18 ◼   ► outlet store you're not gonna get like a [TS]

00:06:20 ◼   ► forty two dollar pair of pants no I was [TS]

00:06:22 ◼   ► like what [TS]

00:06:22 ◼   ► where's the sales where's the sale table [TS]

00:06:24 ◼   ► and the you know the guy in the shawl [TS]

00:06:26 ◼   ► collar sweater was just like just [TS]

00:06:29 ◼   ► chewing me out the door like no thank [TS]

00:06:31 ◼   ► you your patronage is not welcome now [TS]

00:06:34 ◼   ► public restrooms so I'm wandering around [TS]

00:06:36 ◼   ► down there and I'm like I gotta find a [TS]

00:06:38 ◼   ► pair of pants and I'm em in this strange [TS]

00:06:40 ◼   ► world where I I've grown used to [TS]

00:06:42 ◼   ► anywhere in America being able to go 10 [TS]

00:06:46 ◼   ► feet in any direction and find a ten [TS]

00:06:47 ◼   ► dollar pair of pants made in china and [TS]

00:06:50 ◼   ► now now I'm in this world where all [TS]

00:06:52 ◼   ► these pants were hand stitched by some [TS]

00:06:54 ◼   ► Italian grandmother and I just need a [TS]

00:06:57 ◼   ► pair of pants it's not i I'm not kidding [TS]

00:06:58 ◼   ► around and then somebody says to me [TS]

00:07:02 ◼   ► have you been to uniqlo have you been to [TS]

00:07:05 ◼   ► uniqlo and i said i don't know i havent [TS]

00:07:08 ◼   ► and they were like oh that that's your [TS]

00:07:10 ◼   ► answer and so I run into this store [TS]

00:07:13 ◼   ► uniqlo which is this giant sort of H&M [TS]

00:07:15 ◼   ► style place but all the closer from [TS]

00:07:19 ◼   ► Japan's County it's like target for [TS]

00:07:20 ◼   ► hipsters super hip everybody in their [TS]

00:07:23 ◼   ► super hip and I run around and there [TS]

00:07:25 ◼   ► have been no pants bigger than a 32 [TS]

00:07:27 ◼   ► waist but somewhere up in the very back [TS]

00:07:29 ◼   ► of the store I find these paints and I [TS]

00:07:31 ◼   ► really turned out i really liked them I [TS]

00:07:33 ◼   ► found a pair that fit me it was in some [TS]

00:07:35 ◼   ► dad on a dad shelf like it I like for [TS]

00:07:40 ◼   ► the for the dad that I accidentally got [TS]

00:07:41 ◼   ► dragged into the store there's this one [TS]

00:07:44 ◼   ► shelf where his daughter you know what [TS]

00:07:46 ◼   ► were the daughters get some stores have [TS]

00:07:48 ◼   ► a session with toys [TS]

00:07:49 ◼   ► the kids can't exactly come over try [TS]

00:07:51 ◼   ► these like a hardware store with a [TS]

00:07:53 ◼   ► section of toys [TS]

00:07:54 ◼   ► this is a hipster store with a one shelf [TS]

00:07:57 ◼   ► for dads and and and like the largest [TS]

00:08:00 ◼   ► size they carry is 36 so its place to [TS]

00:08:02 ◼   ► have to be kind of fit dad's even and I [TS]

00:08:05 ◼   ► like to think I'm fit that but you know [TS]

00:08:07 ◼   ► give yourself credit you are also a tall [TS]

00:08:09 ◼   ► man tall tall i'm told that all fit dad [TS]

00:08:12 ◼   ► your fear of Falstaff and father [TS]

00:08:15 ◼   ► yeah i'm not quite fit but tall bad [TS]

00:08:16 ◼   ► let's see what do you like you're like [TS]

00:08:17 ◼   ► you're like 62 63 [TS]

00:08:20 ◼   ► x3 and at them at the most i have to say [TS]

00:08:23 ◼   ► i was over 240 pounds edging to 250 [TS]

00:08:28 ◼   ► pounds that's not that bad it's pretty [TS]

00:08:30 ◼   ► bad because you know I was shuffling [TS]

00:08:33 ◼   ► around like a golem think that uniqlo [TS]

00:08:37 ◼   ► number through the streets of prague [TS]

00:08:39 ◼   ► enacting vengeance and and that's not [TS]

00:08:43 ◼   ► how I want to live with the next 40 [TS]

00:08:45 ◼   ► years so anyway so i'm in manhattan [TS]

00:08:46 ◼   ► again i'm walking around down and on the [TS]

00:08:48 ◼   ► lower east side i'm looking for Todd [TS]

00:08:49 ◼   ► Barry's house can i I got lost and then [TS]

00:08:52 ◼   ► I see the uniqlo and I remember I had a [TS]

00:08:54 ◼   ► great time in there so i went in again [TS]

00:08:57 ◼   ► and I'm standing there I'm looking [TS]

00:09:02 ◼   ► around and there's this big pile of like [TS]

00:09:04 ◼   ► skinny jeans a thing that I have been [TS]

00:09:07 ◼   ► opposed to it so i guess i could say [TS]

00:09:10 ◼   ► it's been a punchline uniqlo skinny [TS]

00:09:12 ◼   ► jeans have actually been a punchline for [TS]

00:09:14 ◼   ► a year for you [TS]

00:09:15 ◼   ► that's right they've been a punchline [TS]

00:09:16 ◼   ► and and particularly a punch line when [TS]

00:09:19 ◼   ► an older dad would even fit dad goes [TS]

00:09:23 ◼   ► into a store like this and thinks to [TS]

00:09:25 ◼   ► himself I'm going to get some of these [TS]

00:09:26 ◼   ► skinny jeans you know what I'm a young [TS]

00:09:28 ◼   ► guy and I did excited precisely that I [TS]

00:09:32 ◼   ► was like you know i'm a young healthy [TS]

00:09:33 ◼   ► fit dad gonna get some of these skinny [TS]

00:09:36 ◼   ► jeans and I got him and i love them and [TS]

00:09:42 ◼   ► I'm and I don't know what the I don't [TS]

00:09:44 ◼   ► know what to make of it you know because [TS]

00:09:45 ◼   ► i want you [TS]

00:09:45 ◼   ► we've talked about this before i'm [TS]

00:09:47 ◼   ► always trying to gauge like em because [TS]

00:09:50 ◼   ► i'm inside myself am I missing some [TS]

00:09:53 ◼   ► crucial q that I have become that I've [TS]

00:09:56 ◼   ► emerging into self-parody like em I am I [TS]

00:10:01 ◼   ► do not want to be the dad who dyes his [TS]

00:10:03 ◼   ► hair orange out of spite like a tiny [TS]

00:10:09 ◼   ► ponytail in the back [TS]

00:10:10 ◼   ► yeah well I mean about that you know [TS]

00:10:12 ◼   ► that the tiny ponytail we all know not [TS]

00:10:14 ◼   ► to do but the butt like this the skinny [TS]

00:10:17 ◼   ► jeans like you see guys you see older [TS]

00:10:19 ◼   ► guys who are still wearing like really [TS]

00:10:21 ◼   ► tailored clothes and you're like that [TS]

00:10:22 ◼   ► guy looks great but then you look over [TS]

00:10:24 ◼   ► it at the guy over here that's like [TS]

00:10:26 ◼   ► wearing a nirvana [TS]

00:10:29 ◼   ► t-shirt and you know it has like a roach [TS]

00:10:32 ◼   ► clip ear ring and you're like that guy [TS]

00:10:33 ◼   ► doesn't look great right [TS]

00:10:35 ◼   ► he's missing he's mr q he's missed some [TS]

00:10:38 ◼   ► key missed a turn [TS]

00:10:39 ◼   ► that's right so anyway so I walk out in [TS]

00:10:42 ◼   ► the skinny jeans and I'm walking down [TS]

00:10:43 ◼   ► the street about the developed bulb and [TS]

00:10:45 ◼   ► I'm feeling like I'm i am rocking these [TS]

00:10:48 ◼   ► skinny jeans [TS]

00:10:49 ◼   ► I'm legitimately rocking them and [TS]

00:10:52 ◼   ► they're comfortable and they're [TS]

00:10:53 ◼   ► inexpensive so Marlon I feel like I'm on [TS]

00:10:58 ◼   ► a I'm honored there's some there's some [TS]

00:11:00 ◼   ► precipice MRI came back here to my house [TS]

00:11:03 ◼   ► after my trip to new york and i'm [TS]

00:11:05 ◼   ► looking at the clothes in my closet mom [TS]

00:11:06 ◼   ► like none of these clothes are skinny [TS]

00:11:08 ◼   ► enough for me anymore [TS]

00:11:09 ◼   ► oh all these closer like they're all [TS]

00:11:11 ◼   ► blousy I don't want I don't want blousy [TS]

00:11:15 ◼   ► pants now that I'm one of the skinny [TS]

00:11:16 ◼   ► jean generation I can't walk around his [TS]

00:11:19 ◼   ► handwriting hitting that one pair of [TS]

00:11:22 ◼   ► skinny jeans has made and then come [TS]

00:11:24 ◼   ► easiest time away right it helps you get [TS]

00:11:26 ◼   ► some time way that's the beauty of [TS]

00:11:27 ◼   ► travel right come back and now you've [TS]

00:11:29 ◼   ► got a little bit of perspective I got a [TS]

00:11:31 ◼   ► little bit of perspective and i realized [TS]

00:11:33 ◼   ► that i have been buying kind of it's [TS]

00:11:35 ◼   ► hard to buy oversized clothes when you [TS]

00:11:37 ◼   ► are already an oversized person is that [TS]

00:11:39 ◼   ► really true in most in most stores it [TS]

00:11:42 ◼   ► used to be the largest possible size [TS]

00:11:44 ◼   ► they had was the thing that I needed to [TS]

00:11:47 ◼   ► buy but now we're living in this triple [TS]

00:11:50 ◼   ► extra-large world there are a lot of [TS]

00:11:53 ◼   ► inflation in sizes incredible where you [TS]

00:11:55 ◼   ► go into a store i mean it used to be in [TS]

00:11:57 ◼   ► the thrift stores like the XL section of [TS]

00:12:00 ◼   ► any rack was like five or six items that [TS]

00:12:04 ◼   ► you know five or six freakish items at [TS]

00:12:06 ◼   ► the end of the scale was actually being [TS]

00:12:08 ◼   ► a half inch neck and any was recently is [TS]

00:12:10 ◼   ► maybe 10 15 x 15 years ago and an XL [TS]

00:12:13 ◼   ► even accounting for shrinkage over the [TS]

00:12:15 ◼   ► years and XL in a thrift store would be [TS]

00:12:18 ◼   ► like a large medium yeah right it barely [TS]

00:12:20 ◼   ► barely goes over your bellybutton [TS]

00:12:22 ◼   ► yeah yeah you walk around looking like [TS]

00:12:24 ◼   ► damien jurado all the time so but now [TS]

00:12:27 ◼   ► there's quadruple extra larges and I [TS]

00:12:30 ◼   ► realized that I had I have a lot of like [TS]

00:12:32 ◼   ► coats jackets like a like a sport coats [TS]

00:12:36 ◼   ► that don't fit me and all their there i [TS]

00:12:40 ◼   ► bought them about them they're too large [TS]

00:12:43 ◼   ► and i was i was trying to do I was [TS]

00:12:45 ◼   ► trying to make my size seem smaller by [TS]

00:12:47 ◼   ► one had two big jacket it's not that [TS]

00:12:50 ◼   ► that's it that is an error people make [TS]

00:12:52 ◼   ► yeah and so I look like a little boy who [TS]

00:12:55 ◼   ► was who somebody hit with a grotesquerie [TS]

00:12:58 ◼   ► ray over four minutes on this listing a [TS]

00:13:05 ◼   ► couple seconds exactly like hey there's [TS]

00:13:07 ◼   ► a five-year-old boy and fitted with that [TS]

00:13:09 ◼   ► damn America but the radon you get the [TS]

00:13:13 ◼   ► fighter x and then he just like bro good [TS]

00:13:16 ◼   ► his clothes get big can address the baby [TS]

00:13:21 ◼   ► elephant in the room is it i feel like [TS]

00:13:23 ◼   ► i've seen some photos of you I we have [TS]

00:13:25 ◼   ► not addressed as directly as we try to [TS]

00:13:26 ◼   ► avoid talking about food and fatherhood [TS]

00:13:28 ◼   ► would with generally failing all but I [TS]

00:13:31 ◼   ► know now so with your newfound food [TS]

00:13:35 ◼   ► paradigm you your new technologies about [TS]

00:13:38 ◼   ► food [TS]

00:13:39 ◼   ► have you lost a little weight I've lost [TS]

00:13:41 ◼   ► a little weight [TS]

00:13:42 ◼   ► ok night night and i have i have more [TS]

00:13:44 ◼   ► energy i'm i'm back to feeling youth [TS]

00:13:46 ◼   ► full and but the John a year ago [TS]

00:13:49 ◼   ► what would have would have been doubly [TS]

00:13:51 ◼   ► sarcastic because those are jokey pants [TS]

00:13:52 ◼   ► for for that you would never even be [TS]

00:13:54 ◼   ► able to wear right yeah well the John of [TS]

00:13:57 ◼   ► a year ago in skinny jeans would have [TS]

00:13:59 ◼   ► looked like a like a blue ice cream cone [TS]

00:14:02 ◼   ► and it ends up looking like a blue [TS]

00:14:06 ◼   ► double scoop ice cream cone and and now [TS]

00:14:09 ◼   ► like yes right exactly [TS]

00:14:11 ◼   ► denim ice cream giant Christians but now [TS]

00:14:16 ◼   ► I feel like yeah but even in and out of [TS]

00:14:19 ◼   ► in and out of downtown crowds and I like [TS]

00:14:24 ◼   ► to think that my legs are one of my best [TS]

00:14:25 ◼   ► features [TS]

00:14:27 ◼   ► you've got Stanton's and and so on my k [TS]

00:14:30 ◼   ► i'm feeling I'm feeling good i wanna i [TS]

00:14:32 ◼   ► want to have I want to have some clothes [TS]

00:14:34 ◼   ► that fit me a little bit better and that [TS]

00:14:38 ◼   ► you know this is the funny thing about [TS]

00:14:39 ◼   ► about like where I am now having having [TS]

00:14:42 ◼   ► changed my eating enough that I feel [TS]

00:14:44 ◼   ► better [TS]

00:14:46 ◼   ► and I feel like I look better in my [TS]

00:14:48 ◼   ► clothes fit better i'm now I'm now [TS]

00:14:51 ◼   ► struggling against this this tendency [TS]

00:14:53 ◼   ► this like this radical tendency to be [TS]

00:15:01 ◼   ► dissatisfied with where I am now and [TS]

00:15:04 ◼   ► want and set a new goal for myself which [TS]

00:15:06 ◼   ► is totally unrealistic and soul [TS]

00:15:11 ◼   ► destroying you know like if if you had [TS]

00:15:14 ◼   ► told me three months ago that I would [TS]

00:15:15 ◼   ► look and feel like I do today I would [TS]

00:15:18 ◼   ► have said that's the goal but having [TS]

00:15:21 ◼   ► achieved that goal now now I have this [TS]

00:15:24 ◼   ► like creeping body dysmorphia this is [TS]

00:15:29 ◼   ► sort of addict behavior where I'm like [TS]

00:15:31 ◼   ► well alright so I'll I've lost x plus [TS]

00:15:33 ◼   ► some amount of weight and I feel much [TS]

00:15:35 ◼   ► better now the goal is to become Jack [TS]

00:15:38 ◼   ► LaLanne and to swim across San Francisco [TS]

00:15:40 ◼   ► Bay towing five tugboats with my teeth [TS]

00:15:43 ◼   ► what up you know like now my goal is to [TS]

00:15:46 ◼   ► become a like a total like freakish hard [TS]

00:15:52 ◼   ► body exercise nut who talks to everybody [TS]

00:15:55 ◼   ► about gluten intolerance on the on [TS]

00:15:57 ◼   ► public transit and you know and Anna and [TS]

00:16:01 ◼   ► I catch myself doing it I'm like why are [TS]

00:16:03 ◼   ► you doing this why are you sabotaging [TS]

00:16:04 ◼   ► yourself by taking this good this good [TS]

00:16:08 ◼   ► thing this is unequivocally good thing [TS]

00:16:09 ◼   ► that you've done simple and good and [TS]

00:16:12 ◼   ► perverting it into into a mania which [TS]

00:16:17 ◼   ► you which then you will fail and then [TS]

00:16:20 ◼   ► like if I hiked I will snatch [TS]

00:16:23 ◼   ► disappointment from the jaws of victory [TS]

00:16:25 ◼   ► every time [TS]

00:16:26 ◼   ► uh-huh so anyway I'm trying to talk [TS]

00:16:28 ◼   ► myself out of that and just be content [TS]

00:16:29 ◼   ► to be kind of a you know fit that what [TS]

00:16:34 ◼   ► you're using your kind of getting out [TS]

00:16:35 ◼   ► that there are two things here that are [TS]

00:16:38 ◼   ► worth just separate on the one hand yes [TS]

00:16:40 ◼   ► you have lost a little weight but let's [TS]

00:16:43 ◼   ► just say it also you are feeling better [TS]

00:16:44 ◼   ► you're feeling clearer like me right [TS]

00:16:47 ◼   ► you're not feeling is I'm in the clear [TS]

00:16:49 ◼   ► us foggy let's have gone clear you let's [TS]

00:16:52 ◼   ► say that you have for the sake of [TS]

00:16:53 ◼   ► argument on clear but it's also like a [TS]

00:16:59 ◼   ► little bit [TS]

00:16:59 ◼   ► like I wouldn't not say that you were [TS]

00:17:01 ◼   ► like calcified but like you have made [TS]

00:17:03 ◼   ► your peace for better for worse like [TS]

00:17:05 ◼   ► okay I'm John I don't wear skinny jeans [TS]

00:17:06 ◼   ► and wire and I don't talk about food but [TS]

00:17:09 ◼   ► you know I don't wear skinny jeans I [TS]

00:17:10 ◼   ► don't want to talk about food and I'm [TS]

00:17:11 ◼   ► gonna have a heart attack when I'm 54 [TS]

00:17:13 ◼   ► you know what Dad biology is destiny [TS]

00:17:15 ◼   ► right but but but the thing is though [TS]

00:17:18 ◼   ► now also then that's what the thing [TS]

00:17:20 ◼   ► inside of all of that those two changes [TS]

00:17:21 ◼   ► there's also just the fact that now you [TS]

00:17:22 ◼   ► know now that change is possible which [TS]

00:17:24 ◼   ► is like a weirdly risky new proposition [TS]

00:17:27 ◼   ► where is it used to be like think about [TS]

00:17:29 ◼   ► what you've been talking about fighting [TS]

00:17:30 ◼   ► all the time for years fighting becoming [TS]

00:17:33 ◼   ► calcified about music and culture and [TS]

00:17:35 ◼   ► you know since to stop being progressive [TS]

00:17:36 ◼   ► in thinking about ideas you don't want [TS]

00:17:38 ◼   ► to become somebody who's just like stuck [TS]

00:17:40 ◼   ► in their ways for lack of a better word [TS]

00:17:41 ◼   ► but it's also a little bit getting scary [TS]

00:17:43 ◼   ► maybe risky different because now [TS]

00:17:45 ◼   ► there's this whole world of [TS]

00:17:46 ◼   ► possibilities out there that unseat your [TS]

00:17:48 ◼   ► idea of being a blue ice cream cone and [TS]

00:17:51 ◼   ► now you have taken this new information [TS]

00:17:53 ◼   ► and you don't have security of just [TS]

00:17:55 ◼   ► being a big lard-ass [TS]

00:17:56 ◼   ► well that's precisely it and what I come [TS]

00:17:58 ◼   ► up against immediately or or almost [TS]

00:18:01 ◼   ► immediately after I began thinking about [TS]

00:18:03 ◼   ► this work new world of possibility is [TS]

00:18:08 ◼   ► that there is a hard wall at the end [TS]

00:18:12 ◼   ► which is mortality and so so I start to [TS]

00:18:17 ◼   ► think like well then I'll just get it [TS]

00:18:19 ◼   ► out get in the best shape of anybody and [TS]

00:18:21 ◼   ► i'll become immortal and I'll live [TS]

00:18:24 ◼   ► forever and I'll never get sick and I'll [TS]

00:18:26 ◼   ► never die and then then you go [TS]

00:18:28 ◼   ► well no you're actually still 45 but the [TS]

00:18:32 ◼   ► clock is ticking and you are decaying [TS]

00:18:34 ◼   ► right before your own eyes and doesn't [TS]

00:18:35 ◼   ► look as cool as you think like you know [TS]

00:18:37 ◼   ► you and I Jack LaLanne was pretty much [TS]

00:18:39 ◼   ► always an old guy in our lifetime and [TS]

00:18:42 ◼   ► one every year on his birthday [TS]

00:18:43 ◼   ► hey he do another like feet where you [TS]

00:18:46 ◼   ► know increasingly less like strictly [TS]

00:18:48 ◼   ► amazing feats like I'm gonna I'm gonna [TS]

00:18:50 ◼   ► pull this this locomotive with using [TS]

00:18:52 ◼   ► only the teeth of my mouth and then next [TS]

00:18:55 ◼   ► year is like pulling a toy train and [TS]

00:18:57 ◼   ► then you got that he's just able to hold [TS]

00:18:59 ◼   ► on to the bit you know and yes so [TS]

00:19:02 ◼   ► amazing feats but a lot of them involved [TS]

00:19:04 ◼   ► his teeth [TS]

00:19:05 ◼   ► this is just weird like that's how to [TS]

00:19:07 ◼   ► think you can make stronger real [TS]

00:19:09 ◼   ► but also every was there ever a point in [TS]

00:19:11 ◼   ► the like you know the 25 years that you [TS]

00:19:13 ◼   ► and I are aware of that was there ever a [TS]

00:19:14 ◼   ► point like god that guy sure is manly it [TS]

00:19:16 ◼   ► was more like all well yeah actually got [TS]

00:19:19 ◼   ► like all grandpa cool grandfather he's [TS]

00:19:21 ◼   ► trying both because I think he was four [TS]

00:19:23 ◼   ► foot eleven and also he was always [TS]

00:19:26 ◼   ► wearing that leotard he was or that full [TS]

00:19:29 ◼   ► body like high-waisted jumpsuits it was [TS]

00:19:32 ◼   ► real creepy and shiny creepy shiny jump [TS]

00:19:36 ◼   ► student and I never remember thinking [TS]

00:19:38 ◼   ► like Jack LaLanne that there's a guy he [TS]

00:19:40 ◼   ► kinda looks like george costanza's [TS]

00:19:42 ◼   ► father who at a buddy's like pulling a [TS]

00:19:45 ◼   ► locomotive with his teeth none of that [TS]

00:19:47 ◼   ► is something I aspire to even as a child [TS]

00:19:50 ◼   ► it's not like it's not like being like a [TS]

00:19:52 ◼   ► foxy seven-year-old limit [TS]

00:19:54 ◼   ► it's like mostly you're a 70 year old [TS]

00:19:55 ◼   ► woman nothing against but you know what [TS]

00:19:56 ◼   ► i mean like when you watch a claim you [TS]

00:19:58 ◼   ► go while he's pretty strong for an old [TS]

00:19:59 ◼   ► guy but mostly he's an old guy you don't [TS]

00:20:01 ◼   ► in his mind he is clinging you know [TS]

00:20:04 ◼   ► cling to youth and vitality and and [TS]

00:20:08 ◼   ► that's sprightliness that he's with so [TS]

00:20:09 ◼   ► no well no known for but like we mostly [TS]

00:20:12 ◼   ► just see somebody getting older and [TS]

00:20:13 ◼   ► older and fighting it [TS]

00:20:14 ◼   ► have you noticed this about I mean I I'm [TS]

00:20:17 ◼   ► feeling this way now watching Clint [TS]

00:20:18 ◼   ► Eastwood age and and like Harrison Ford [TS]

00:20:23 ◼   ► age and all those Hollywood stars that [TS]

00:20:28 ◼   ► were that were always much older than us [TS]

00:20:31 ◼   ► but they were in the our whole lives [TS]

00:20:35 ◼   ► they were kind of in their vital [TS]

00:20:36 ◼   ► middle-aged they were and they ma [TS]

00:20:39 ◼   ► persisted in it long past like when they [TS]

00:20:43 ◼   ► were 60 years old they were still and [TS]

00:20:45 ◼   ► they're all still like Robert Redford [TS]

00:20:47 ◼   ► that you know they were all still to use [TS]

00:20:49 ◼   ► that phrase and 76 symbols there are [TS]

00:20:51 ◼   ► still people we go Harrison Ford it's [TS]

00:20:53 ◼   ► creepy that is in this movie went with [TS]

00:20:54 ◼   ► Winona Ryder but he's definitely like a [TS]

00:20:56 ◼   ► handsome handsome yet jack nicholson I [TS]

00:20:58 ◼   ► mean these guys at 60 years old were [TS]

00:21:00 ◼   ► paired with 24 year-old actresses and it [TS]

00:21:03 ◼   ► wasn't a hundred percent cool but but it [TS]

00:21:06 ◼   ► also like use we still we still were [TS]

00:21:09 ◼   ► projecting a tremendous like a linear in [TS]

00:21:12 ◼   ► ashton kutcher or something I wasn't [TS]

00:21:13 ◼   ► something where you go that's kind of [TS]

00:21:15 ◼   ► strange but now watching them they are [TS]

00:21:18 ◼   ► like genuinely old people now [TS]

00:21:21 ◼   ► and it is reflected a like it [TS]

00:21:24 ◼   ► it reflects to me like watching watching [TS]

00:21:27 ◼   ► Clint Eastwood cut daughter around like [TS]

00:21:30 ◼   ► a like an end like a small end is making [TS]

00:21:35 ◼   ► me making me sad like melancholy yeah I [TS]

00:21:41 ◼   ► just a trailer for the new captain [TS]

00:21:42 ◼   ► america movie [TS]

00:21:43 ◼   ► Robert reference in it and you know he's [TS]

00:21:45 ◼   ► he's still a good-looking guy but he's [TS]

00:21:47 ◼   ► definitely an old guy now here I didn't [TS]

00:21:49 ◼   ► look at the Chippendale couch he and [TS]

00:21:55 ◼   ► like Harrison Ford was in that Jackie [TS]

00:21:57 ◼   ► Robinson movie and I can kind of didn't [TS]

00:22:00 ◼   ► recognize him at first really well i [TS]

00:22:02 ◼   ► mean i think he's definitely taking that [TS]

00:22:03 ◼   ► turn around the old lesbian look busy [TS]

00:22:06 ◼   ► no God no I just look at that website [TS]

00:22:09 ◼   ► the other day [TS]

00:22:10 ◼   ► oh my god what is it it's it's men who [TS]

00:22:13 ◼   ► look like old lesbians is that the site [TS]

00:22:16 ◼   ► oh my god I cannot see that pretty rude [TS]

00:22:18 ◼   ► but but I'm taking off your point but it [TS]

00:22:21 ◼   ► is there is definitely a certain point [TS]

00:22:23 ◼   ► you get a Robert Evans boy you [TS]

00:22:24 ◼   ► definitely got this is a point that we [TS]

00:22:26 ◼   ► look at people like wow you know that's [TS]

00:22:28 ◼   ► ok here's an example like George Clooney [TS]

00:22:29 ◼   ► George Clooney is still in extremely [TS]

00:22:31 ◼   ► handsome middle-aged guy Harrison Ford [TS]

00:22:34 ◼   ► was Harrison for 15 years older [TS]

00:22:36 ◼   ► something like that maybe no I think [TS]

00:22:37 ◼   ► he's in his seventies isn't it is that [TS]

00:22:39 ◼   ► right i heard say I clinics was getting [TS]

00:22:42 ◼   ► divorced she mentioned being his agent [TS]

00:22:43 ◼   ► divorced so sad [TS]

00:22:45 ◼   ► that's a lot of work when I just said [TS]

00:22:46 ◼   ► that when I just said I think he's in [TS]

00:22:48 ◼   ► the seventies I made that likes crunchy [TS]

00:22:50 ◼   ► scrunchy nose face this face [TS]

00:22:52 ◼   ► I know but i'll be up like a UK person [TS]

00:22:55 ◼   ► because it is 78 it's like kinda shows [TS]

00:22:59 ◼   ► up in the air like quickly knows I don't [TS]

00:23:01 ◼   ► know why I did it I never make this is [TS]

00:23:03 ◼   ► what is that I know exactly what she [TS]

00:23:04 ◼   ► does it mean when we do that [TS]

00:23:06 ◼   ► yeah it kinda gotta get your locker [TS]

00:23:07 ◼   ► Roberts ice is actually good secretary [TS]

00:23:10 ◼   ► it's like somebody handed you a kind of [TS]

00:23:12 ◼   ► kickbox candy you don't like ya got [TS]

00:23:15 ◼   ► cashews in it and then your nose goes up [TS]

00:23:18 ◼   ► and your teeth come out [TS]

00:23:19 ◼   ► yeah what about that one didn't know [TS]

00:23:21 ◼   ► that I was what what why that inspired [TS]

00:23:23 ◼   ► me to to suddenly turn into is something [TS]

00:23:25 ◼   ► weird like copperfield it is you even as [TS]

00:23:28 ◼   ► they turn into Chippendale furniture and [TS]

00:23:30 ◼   ► you know Robert rivers always had a [TS]

00:23:31 ◼   ► certain kind of ruggedness [TS]

00:23:32 ◼   ► you know complexion wise but I but there [TS]

00:23:36 ◼   ► is there is i don't know what happens [TS]

00:23:38 ◼   ► even if you'd like don't get plastic [TS]

00:23:39 ◼   ► surgery you do kind of start to look [TS]

00:23:40 ◼   ► like a woman you estrogen eyes a little [TS]

00:23:43 ◼   ► bit yeah well I you know the first time [TS]

00:23:46 ◼   ► I really saw that in inaction was one of [TS]

00:23:49 ◼   ► the first time I saw the psychedelic [TS]

00:23:51 ◼   ► furs right he said either click [TS]

00:23:54 ◼   ► somebody's grandmother it just looked [TS]

00:23:56 ◼   ► like you look like a skinny little [TS]

00:23:58 ◼   ► grandma and and I was so I'm so [TS]

00:24:01 ◼   ► astonished at the at the gender bender [TS]

00:24:05 ◼   ► eNOS of it because you know as a rock [TS]

00:24:07 ◼   ► star [TS]

00:24:08 ◼   ► you're always gender-bending but not [TS]

00:24:11 ◼   ► quite all the way to like I'm your [TS]

00:24:12 ◼   ► grandma you think its substance abuse [TS]

00:24:14 ◼   ► because you didn't anymore start to get [TS]

00:24:16 ◼   ► that Keith Moon as young as he was he [TS]

00:24:18 ◼   ► started to get that little bit i bet [TS]

00:24:20 ◼   ► it's I bet it's I bet it's riding hard [TS]

00:24:22 ◼   ► on the body partly i'm still astonished [TS]

00:24:25 ◼   ► at how young keith moon was when he died [TS]

00:24:27 ◼   ► and i'm amazed to see I once again i did [TS]

00:24:29 ◼   ► my my monthly viewing of a quick one [TS]

00:24:31 ◼   ► while he's away from the rock and roll [TS]

00:24:33 ◼   ► I want to look good i want you once a [TS]

00:24:35 ◼   ► month because it's the greatest rural [TS]

00:24:36 ◼   ► parts of all time and really and you [TS]

00:24:38 ◼   ► watch it and but I mean even when you [TS]

00:24:39 ◼   ► look at something like you watch you [TS]

00:24:41 ◼   ► know watching with the giant headphones [TS]

00:24:42 ◼   ► doing who are you [TS]

00:24:44 ◼   ► what's it like to and said he was like [TS]

00:24:48 ◼   ► 32 or most incredible right look 60 [TS]

00:24:51 ◼   ► looks so I mean the he went it was funny [TS]

00:24:53 ◼   ► that like even around starting around [TS]

00:24:55 ◼   ► Tommy you know I don't know I think [TS]

00:24:59 ◼   ► maybe I know I keep Richard same thing [TS]

00:25:01 ◼   ► again [TS]

00:25:01 ◼   ► suddenly they just look different like [TS]

00:25:03 ◼   ► within a period like two years they look [TS]

00:25:04 ◼   ► like completely different people [TS]

00:25:06 ◼   ► yeah that's that's right but keep [TS]

00:25:09 ◼   ► continue to be I think gorgeous all the [TS]

00:25:11 ◼   ► way through 82 I mean through that whole [TS]

00:25:15 ◼   ► fifth that first initial period when he [TS]

00:25:17 ◼   ► was with a better at one point like [TS]

00:25:19 ◼   ► feathers in his hair and that was kinda [TS]

00:25:21 ◼   ► cool but like there's a point even when [TS]

00:25:22 ◼   ► they're like pretty popular where he [TS]

00:25:24 ◼   ► look like an old witch [TS]

00:25:25 ◼   ► yeah and then he started looking more [TS]

00:25:27 ◼   ► like a pirate he flushed out a little [TS]

00:25:29 ◼   ► bit yeah [TS]

00:25:30 ◼   ► Anakin looks like yours and jager [TS]

00:25:33 ◼   ► haha looks like a fucking slot such it [TS]

00:25:37 ◼   ► looks like a chariot that somebody [TS]

00:25:38 ◼   ► stepped out on a strike and yet maybe [TS]

00:25:42 ◼   ► he'll live forever I mean maybe he is [TS]

00:25:43 ◼   ► the one [TS]

00:25:44 ◼   ► yeah you think a lot of that from [TS]

00:25:45 ◼   ► smoking right there smoking give you [TS]

00:25:47 ◼   ► that kind of drawn look well and again [TS]

00:25:49 ◼   ► it's another that said it's a factor of [TS]

00:25:51 ◼   ► like it's a physiological factor of him [TS]

00:25:55 ◼   ► being literally five-foot-two he is so [TS]

00:25:59 ◼   ► small [TS]

00:26:00 ◼   ► all those guys in the rolling stones are [TS]

00:26:02 ◼   ► so small you know that you could put you [TS]

00:26:05 ◼   ► could put the entire rolling stones in a [TS]

00:26:06 ◼   ► pint glass and and then and then put [TS]

00:26:10 ◼   ► probably half a can of whipped cream in [TS]

00:26:14 ◼   ► into like half a spray canister whipped [TS]

00:26:17 ◼   ► cream and it wouldn't overflow the [TS]

00:26:19 ◼   ► pointless for their that small so they [TS]

00:26:23 ◼   ► were made you know I think the rolling [TS]

00:26:26 ◼   ► stones were like bread to chase rats [TS]

00:26:28 ◼   ► down holes or I mean they are different [TS]

00:26:30 ◼   ► almost a different kind of human being [TS]

00:26:33 ◼   ► from the lumbering like stone trolls [TS]

00:26:37 ◼   ► that were mine ancestors you're so [TS]

00:26:42 ◼   ► mythic I says here Keith Richards is 59 [TS]

00:26:46 ◼   ► but I'll bony below me think something [TS]

00:26:48 ◼   ► at least 59 in Prince boots [TS]

00:26:51 ◼   ► oh boy Ron would look at that guy [TS]

00:26:56 ◼   ► now he have you ever watched the videos [TS]

00:26:58 ◼   ► the youtube videos of run would onstage [TS]

00:27:02 ◼   ► like shit faced and now no I was in [TS]

00:27:05 ◼   ► small faces stuff but I've never seen [TS]

00:27:07 ◼   ► that now there's that there's some like [TS]

00:27:09 ◼   ► footage of him in the nineties i think [TS]

00:27:11 ◼   ► where he's on stage and he's just [TS]

00:27:14 ◼   ► pilotto and you even though he's one of [TS]

00:27:19 ◼   ► the richest and most successful [TS]

00:27:20 ◼   ► musicians in the world you want to you [TS]

00:27:23 ◼   ► can't help but feel sorry for him [TS]

00:27:24 ◼   ► because he is so dogged by his you know [TS]

00:27:29 ◼   ► by the by the feeling that like he's he [TS]

00:27:32 ◼   ► has to wake up and drink four bottles of [TS]

00:27:34 ◼   ► cognac a day because he has never known [TS]

00:27:37 ◼   ► anything different I mean I don't know [TS]

00:27:39 ◼   ► where he's at right now but there are [TS]

00:27:40 ◼   ► some videos on on the Internet of of Ron [TS]

00:27:43 ◼   ► Wood stumbling around and like just [TS]

00:27:46 ◼   ► I just don't find that as appealing as I [TS]

00:27:47 ◼   ► used to you know I can see how the like [TS]

00:27:51 ◼   ► I don't know [TS]

00:27:52 ◼   ► yeah i'm reading I know you're you're a [TS]

00:27:55 ◼   ► fan of these kinds of accounts to like [TS]

00:27:56 ◼   ► reading about the making of what's wrong [TS]

00:28:00 ◼   ► with rocks off the famous one of the [TS]

00:28:02 ◼   ► record of my stuff that's no no you know [TS]

00:28:05 ◼   ► that one the one the one where like a [TS]

00:28:08 ◼   ► with a French police were like trying to [TS]

00:28:10 ◼   ► like they were like rating keeps house [TS]

00:28:12 ◼   ► oh my god oh you're talking about you're [TS]

00:28:14 ◼   ► mad but did a double record of the why [TS]

00:28:18 ◼   ► did you do that you just you just do you [TS]

00:28:19 ◼   ► just tell you the record out of my mind [TS]

00:28:22 ◼   ► it was your mean streets it's a tumbling [TS]

00:28:26 ◼   ► dice its up so wow this is real Exile on [TS]

00:28:30 ◼   ► Main Street yes on you pushed it you [TS]

00:28:34 ◼   ► actually push that turd back in my brain [TS]

00:28:37 ◼   ► yeah i got the turtle back in the show I [TS]

00:28:39 ◼   ► had to like but we got two counts of [TS]

00:28:42 ◼   ► like to them trying to make that record [TS]

00:28:43 ◼   ► something for Charlie wat was always [TS]

00:28:45 ◼   ► like a pretty like a normal english guy [TS]

00:28:47 ◼   ► who drank tea and had a job playing [TS]

00:28:49 ◼   ► drums you know it just hasn't just been [TS]

00:28:51 ◼   ► miserable to be an environment like that [TS]

00:28:53 ◼   ► everybody's just all fucked up all the [TS]

00:28:55 ◼   ► time and how many did not make things [TS]

00:28:57 ◼   ► good no heroin is a bad drug but Charlie [TS]

00:29:00 ◼   ► I think rented a house like a hundred [TS]

00:29:02 ◼   ► and fifty miles again in central France [TS]

00:29:05 ◼   ► or something where he didn't speak any [TS]

00:29:07 ◼   ► French and he complained the whole time [TS]

00:29:08 ◼   ► that he couldn't get James T and yeah [TS]

00:29:11 ◼   ► it's just the I just picture him like [TS]

00:29:14 ◼   ► walking down to the corner store and and [TS]

00:29:17 ◼   ► saying the guy no Pimm's but it is there [TS]

00:29:20 ◼   ► like record in the basement I mean it [TS]

00:29:22 ◼   ► sounds like it's not like the whole [TS]

00:29:23 ◼   ► thing was just such a debacle it's [TS]

00:29:25 ◼   ► amazing the record turnout as well as it [TS]

00:29:26 ◼   ► did but I just don't know when your [TS]

00:29:28 ◼   ► account stuff like that when I was in [TS]

00:29:29 ◼   ► you know even in college I go wow that's [TS]

00:29:32 ◼   ► really cool it's you know to begin back [TS]

00:29:34 ◼   ► to desis on tits a decadent like you [TS]

00:29:36 ◼   ► just you sit around and you know you [TS]

00:29:38 ◼   ► make rock music in any like don't know [TS]

00:29:41 ◼   ► what day it is and man that is so [TS]

00:29:43 ◼   ► ridiculously unappealing this time to me [TS]

00:29:45 ◼   ► now i'm sure my wife feels ten times [TS]

00:29:47 ◼   ► more but I think I'll boy will be nice [TS]

00:29:48 ◼   ► to have a week to just go dick around [TS]

00:29:50 ◼   ► and not have to be anywhere but [TS]

00:29:51 ◼   ► man the idea of like sitting around [TS]

00:29:53 ◼   ► basement in France doing heroin is like [TS]

00:29:54 ◼   ► just not my idea of fun [TS]

00:29:56 ◼   ► yeah well I i come up against this all [TS]

00:29:59 ◼   ► the time because you know I haven't I [TS]

00:30:00 ◼   ► have not uh had like a substance like a [TS]

00:30:05 ◼   ► mind-altering substance I've not had any [TS]

00:30:08 ◼   ► alcohol or drugs in almost 20 years but [TS]

00:30:13 ◼   ► i have resolute lira fused to live in a [TS]

00:30:16 ◼   ► sober ghetto of life and so I spend [TS]

00:30:20 ◼   ► almost all my time around people who are [TS]

00:30:24 ◼   ► on drugs and some of my very good [TS]

00:30:27 ◼   ► friends are on drugs like lit like like [TS]

00:30:30 ◼   ► seriously like still on drugs not so [TS]

00:30:34 ◼   ► sure you shitting me [TS]

00:30:35 ◼   ► yeah not just like getting stoned [TS]

00:30:36 ◼   ► sometime just talking about drinking a [TS]

00:30:38 ◼   ► lot and smoking weed i'm talking about [TS]

00:30:39 ◼   ► drinking a lot and also taking drugs [TS]

00:30:43 ◼   ► serious drugs hard drugs and being a [TS]

00:30:45 ◼   ► drug drug person and being in denial [TS]

00:30:47 ◼   ► about what being a drug person means for [TS]

00:30:51 ◼   ► them [TS]

00:30:52 ◼   ► short-term and long-term I mean this is [TS]

00:30:54 ◼   ► true of some very close friends of mine [TS]

00:30:56 ◼   ► and also a lot of people that i know [TS]

00:30:59 ◼   ► socially and and so i'm i'm always in [TS]

00:31:03 ◼   ► the am [TS]

00:31:04 ◼   ► oh I'm almost every day I am confronted [TS]

00:31:07 ◼   ► with the question again like why are [TS]

00:31:13 ◼   ► people taking drugs do you [TS]

00:31:16 ◼   ► John want to go back on drugs like every [TS]

00:31:19 ◼   ► day I ask myself would you like to go [TS]

00:31:22 ◼   ► back on drugs right now [TS]

00:31:23 ◼   ► hey tried skinny jeans there are drugs [TS]

00:31:25 ◼   ► all around you all the time would you [TS]

00:31:27 ◼   ► are you interested in taking some drugs [TS]

00:31:29 ◼   ► and i took a lot of drugs so I don't [TS]

00:31:33 ◼   ► have us [TS]

00:31:34 ◼   ► I like when I quit drinking it was right [TS]

00:31:37 ◼   ► before the single-malt Scotch revolution [TS]

00:31:40 ◼   ► and the flavored alcohol the artisanal [TS]

00:31:44 ◼   ► alcohol scene so there are a lot of [TS]

00:31:47 ◼   ► alcohols that I missed out on you quit [TS]

00:31:50 ◼   ► you quit around like Rolling Rock [TS]

00:31:52 ◼   ► getting popular [TS]

00:31:53 ◼   ► yeah right i started i stopped drinking [TS]

00:31:55 ◼   ► alcohol in 1994 yeah and immediately [TS]

00:32:00 ◼   ► afterward [TS]

00:32:01 ◼   ► like you know wine snobbery was always a [TS]

00:32:03 ◼   ► thing but immediately it seems like [TS]

00:32:05 ◼   ► immediately afterward in the late [TS]

00:32:06 ◼   ► nineties it was all that whiskey talk [TS]

00:32:10 ◼   ► and all the like oh you've got to try [TS]

00:32:11 ◼   ► this it's from the barrel that is Sir [TS]

00:32:14 ◼   ► Walter Reilly once piston on his way to [TS]

00:32:16 ◼   ► and it's like a haha well you know I [TS]

00:32:19 ◼   ► drank a lot of whiskey and maybe it [TS]

00:32:21 ◼   ► wasn't great whiskey and a lot of times [TS]

00:32:24 ◼   ► it was still worst whiskey was ten hi [TS]

00:32:27 ◼   ► whiskey out of a gallon plastic jug but [TS]

00:32:30 ◼   ► I don't you know like i did not have [TS]

00:32:34 ◼   ► very much melancholy about not savoring [TS]

00:32:36 ◼   ► the great whiskey's you know but as far [TS]

00:32:39 ◼   ► as like pharmaceutical drugs go what to [TS]

00:32:44 ◼   ► whatever degree new technologies have [TS]

00:32:46 ◼   ► produced in new ways of feeling like [TS]

00:32:48 ◼   ► your hands are like two balloons [TS]

00:32:52 ◼   ► um I like there's there's no new high [TS]

00:32:56 ◼   ► that I feel like I missed out on except [TS]

00:32:58 ◼   ► maybe bath salts or what's that other [TS]

00:33:02 ◼   ► that that ship they smell sativa or you [TS]

00:33:06 ◼   ► smoked this stuff not sativa us i think [TS]

00:33:10 ◼   ► something some new suitor pot herbal [TS]

00:33:13 ◼   ► thing that you smoke and have like like [TS]

00:33:16 ◼   ► two minute long pcp hallucination God [TS]

00:33:21 ◼   ► and and yeah it's really it's really big [TS]

00:33:25 ◼   ► with it with a certain kind of william [TS]

00:33:27 ◼   ► gibson adoring cyberpunk always having a [TS]

00:33:30 ◼   ► special dispenser that clicks or [TS]

00:33:32 ◼   ► something [TS]

00:33:33 ◼   ► I you know that's the thing i think you [TS]

00:33:34 ◼   ► get a lot of people hooked on drugs it [TS]

00:33:36 ◼   ► was more like a silicate dick novel yeah [TS]

00:33:38 ◼   ► if you had a little like a subject some [TS]

00:33:40 ◼   ► kind of how many look like inhalers well [TS]

00:33:43 ◼   ► all drugs are headed toward inhaler [TS]

00:33:45 ◼   ► status i think now people are in hit [TS]

00:33:47 ◼   ► their inhaling their weed and we're just [TS]

00:33:49 ◼   ► gonna be we're just gonna it's gonna be [TS]

00:33:51 ◼   ► like dune where the where everybody [TS]

00:33:54 ◼   ► walked around the tube in their mouths [TS]

00:33:55 ◼   ► but in any case so every day I'm [TS]

00:33:58 ◼   ► confronted a new you know sometimes in [TS]

00:34:02 ◼   ► the company of people that I that I [TS]

00:34:04 ◼   ► don't just admire but a door [TS]

00:34:06 ◼   ► who at a certain point in the night our [TS]

00:34:09 ◼   ► are like fucked up [TS]

00:34:13 ◼   ► pinned eyeballs and Mike and and not [TS]

00:34:16 ◼   ► falling down but like not doing good but [TS]

00:34:19 ◼   ► like not in control of your faculties no [TS]

00:34:22 ◼   ► longer let's say no not a good [TS]

00:34:24 ◼   ► conversation it's no longer fun [TS]

00:34:26 ◼   ► yeah that it becomes it becomes a rescue [TS]

00:34:28 ◼   ► mission at a certain point like we got a [TS]

00:34:30 ◼   ► chopper this guy out of the LZ and [TS]

00:34:33 ◼   ► getting back to Saigon to triage at [TS]

00:34:36 ◼   ► saigon being like his or her apartment [TS]

00:34:38 ◼   ► where they're going to see what they're [TS]

00:34:40 ◼   ► gonna sit in front of the television [TS]

00:34:41 ◼   ► until they pass out and so but but but [TS]

00:34:44 ◼   ► i'm always reflecting internally like it [TS]

00:34:47 ◼   ► is there something about that that is [TS]

00:34:49 ◼   ► appealing to me do I pursue this anymore [TS]

00:34:53 ◼   ► even in my imagination why are my [TS]

00:34:56 ◼   ► friends even in middle age still so [TS]

00:34:59 ◼   ► attracted to this and it's it's not an [TS]

00:35:02 ◼   ► academic question because it comes up [TS]

00:35:06 ◼   ► over and over my relationships with [TS]

00:35:08 ◼   ► these people are hamstrung not because [TS]

00:35:11 ◼   ► there's a gulf between us because I [TS]

00:35:12 ◼   ► don't do drugs but because there's a [TS]

00:35:14 ◼   ► gulf between them and everyone [TS]

00:35:15 ◼   ► yeah because they are because they are [TS]

00:35:18 ◼   ► using these drugs as a substitute for [TS]

00:35:20 ◼   ► for you know for authentic feeling or [TS]

00:35:24 ◼   ► for growing like a certain point doesn't [TS]

00:35:26 ◼   ► matter what started out as a substitute [TS]

00:35:27 ◼   ► for because now it's the load-bearing [TS]

00:35:29 ◼   ► wall right exactly but this question of [TS]

00:35:32 ◼   ► like is it glam is keith richards [TS]

00:35:34 ◼   ► glamorous is is drug-taking glamorous [TS]

00:35:37 ◼   ► where is the glamour in X and when it [TS]

00:35:41 ◼   ► becomes you know what it transitions [TS]

00:35:43 ◼   ► from like I'm 22 [TS]

00:35:45 ◼   ► what are my limits to like I'm 42 and [TS]

00:35:50 ◼   ► this is my pattern up [TS]

00:35:54 ◼   ► I mean I don't like I say I see people [TS]

00:35:57 ◼   ► in all stages of being fucked up and the [TS]

00:36:01 ◼   ► and I don't and I know what it feels [TS]

00:36:03 ◼   ► like from inside and I honestly don't [TS]

00:36:05 ◼   ► understand how it retains this hold on [TS]

00:36:08 ◼   ► people beyond just the [TS]

00:36:11 ◼   ► like the physical need that manifests [TS]

00:36:14 ◼   ► itself in their minds as an emotional [TS]

00:36:17 ◼   ► need you know I was watching this [TS]

00:36:19 ◼   ► special the other day [TS]

00:36:20 ◼   ► Trey Parker and Matt Stone went to the [TS]

00:36:23 ◼   ► oscars in those dresses remember that no [TS]

00:36:26 ◼   ► 15 years ago or something that they were [TS]

00:36:29 ◼   ► they were dresses to the Oscars and [TS]

00:36:31 ◼   ► music music it was in all the it was on [TS]

00:36:33 ◼   ► the third page of every newspaper but [TS]

00:36:36 ◼   ► they were on LSD [TS]

00:36:37 ◼   ► oh yeah and-and-and I was watching the [TS]

00:36:41 ◼   ► there was kind of a little bit of [TS]

00:36:43 ◼   ► footage of them like on the wrist on the [TS]

00:36:46 ◼   ► red carpet it like and clearly tripping [TS]

00:36:49 ◼   ► balls and I look at that and I go okay [TS]

00:36:54 ◼   ► that is that's pretty cool that's the [TS]

00:36:56 ◼   ► thing to have done it would be cool to [TS]

00:36:58 ◼   ► have gone to the Oscars on LSD but even [TS]

00:37:03 ◼   ► even that I mean watching them standing [TS]

00:37:06 ◼   ► there and like their eyes bugging out [TS]

00:37:07 ◼   ► and and their their mouths really dry [TS]

00:37:11 ◼   ► and then knowing that they were that the [TS]

00:37:15 ◼   ► joke was going to wear off when they [TS]

00:37:16 ◼   ► went in and had to sit in a chair for [TS]

00:37:18 ◼   ► two two-and-a-half hours or four hours [TS]

00:37:20 ◼   ► or however long sit in a chair [TS]

00:37:21 ◼   ► surrounded by a monster lizard people is [TS]

00:37:26 ◼   ► really it's better to close it it might [TS]

00:37:32 ◼   ► take away was like even that kinda is [TS]

00:37:34 ◼   ► only cool to have done it wasn't [TS]

00:37:38 ◼   ► probably even cool to you by the way I [TS]

00:37:40 ◼   ► think about I never thought about this [TS]

00:37:42 ◼   ► till just now but i think if i look at [TS]

00:37:45 ◼   ► the way that I dealt with substances [TS]

00:37:48 ◼   ► when I was younger I would have said [TS]

00:37:49 ◼   ► this at the time but think about with [TS]

00:37:52 ◼   ► most people just think about like even [TS]

00:37:53 ◼   ► if you're dumb frat-boy think about all [TS]

00:37:54 ◼   ► the competition about drinking and like [TS]

00:37:57 ◼   ► who's gonna drink more or who can who [TS]

00:37:59 ◼   ► can usually like going to not pass out [TS]

00:38:00 ◼   ► but even in my own case like in a way I [TS]

00:38:03 ◼   ► i think it was me like facing down [TS]

00:38:06 ◼   ► facing down the substances like I could [TS]

00:38:09 ◼   ► I could do a lot of this i could take a [TS]

00:38:11 ◼   ► lot of that and what is that every [TS]

00:38:13 ◼   ► Cheryl relationship that frenemy [TS]

00:38:15 ◼   ► relationship with substances that made [TS]

00:38:18 ◼   ► it fun because it is really no fun to [TS]

00:38:20 ◼   ► get your ass kicked by you know taking [TS]

00:38:23 ◼   ► way too much of something [TS]

00:38:24 ◼   ► but you can have a fun adversarial [TS]

00:38:27 ◼   ► relationship with weed where you keep [TS]

00:38:29 ◼   ► pushing it as far as you can until [TS]

00:38:30 ◼   ► you're almost a crazy person and that's [TS]

00:38:32 ◼   ► fun for a while it's just that I think [TS]

00:38:35 ◼   ► at some i'm gonna guess that some [TS]

00:38:38 ◼   ► certain point it stops being a social [TS]

00:38:41 ◼   ► thing and it stops being something where [TS]

00:38:43 ◼   ► you're a worthy opponent and then the [TS]

00:38:47 ◼   ► substance starttswinning and you sort of [TS]

00:38:49 ◼   ► our slumped in the backseat while the [TS]

00:38:50 ◼   ► substance drives in some ways where you [TS]

00:38:53 ◼   ► know when you're young like you might [TS]

00:38:55 ◼   ► want to say all man I've trip and really [TS]

00:38:56 ◼   ► hard this is really really great i hope [TS]

00:38:58 ◼   ► it'll trip anymore i'm gonna lose my [TS]

00:38:59 ◼   ► mind but then as you get older I mean [TS]

00:39:02 ◼   ► that becomes more about if you like a [TS]

00:39:04 ◼   ► habit it's a company unfortunate choice [TS]

00:39:06 ◼   ► of words but something that you start [TS]

00:39:08 ◼   ► doing a lot i don't think it has that [TS]

00:39:10 ◼   ► same spirit anymore i think i think it's [TS]

00:39:12 ◼   ► become something that you do so much and [TS]

00:39:14 ◼   ► so often that it becomes the equivalent [TS]

00:39:16 ◼   ► of a vitamin or of reading the paper or [TS]

00:39:19 ◼   ► something or you know or a coffee [TS]

00:39:20 ◼   ► whatever it is but I i know i don't feel [TS]

00:39:22 ◼   ► that I think when i hear something like [TS]

00:39:24 ◼   ► oh man can imagine going on having a [TS]

00:39:25 ◼   ► week-long binge and just call my god no [TS]

00:39:28 ◼   ► i can't imagine that making you want to [TS]

00:39:30 ◼   ► take a nap just hearing it right now [TS]

00:39:32 ◼   ► yeah and and but I didn't that make [TS]

00:39:34 ◼   ► sense because it seems to me that that [TS]

00:39:36 ◼   ► was at least some cum component of your [TS]

00:39:38 ◼   ► of your deal was that facing it down and [TS]

00:39:42 ◼   ► like you're not gonna you're not gonna [TS]

00:39:43 ◼   ► kick my ass buddy i'm gonna kick your [TS]

00:39:44 ◼   ► ass like you're going to have to knock [TS]

00:39:46 ◼   ► me out you think you can take me alcohol [TS]

00:39:48 ◼   ► you're gonna have to knock me out you [TS]

00:39:50 ◼   ► know name and alcohol very seldom could [TS]

00:39:52 ◼   ► knock me out exactly and that's that's [TS]

00:39:53 ◼   ► what yeah but don't have an element part [TS]

00:39:57 ◼   ► of it i always think of it as a as a [TS]

00:39:59 ◼   ► dance with the feeling and I mean those [TS]

00:40:03 ◼   ► those are early experiences with drugs [TS]

00:40:07 ◼   ► were this tremendously powerful and [TS]

00:40:09 ◼   ► positive dance with feeling because as a [TS]

00:40:13 ◼   ► young person my emotions were all [TS]

00:40:16 ◼   ► completely walled off and i did not have [TS]

00:40:19 ◼   ► a way of expressing joy or fear even or [TS]

00:40:23 ◼   ► I mean at all emotions got channeled [TS]

00:40:26 ◼   ► into either depression or you know that [TS]

00:40:32 ◼   ► the sort of this kind of equilibrium [TS]

00:40:35 ◼   ► or like like a surface sarcasm sarcasm [TS]

00:40:41 ◼   ► was was my positive emotion and [TS]

00:40:42 ◼   ► depressive repression was my negative 1 [TS]

00:40:45 ◼   ► when I discovered these drugs it was so [TS]

00:40:48 ◼   ► exciting because I had a I had a I had a [TS]

00:40:50 ◼   ► relationship with feeling all of a [TS]

00:40:51 ◼   ► sudden and you could drink three bottles [TS]

00:40:55 ◼   ► and James and be loved and suddenly be [TS]

00:41:00 ◼   ► available to people and be in a room and [TS]

00:41:04 ◼   ► feel like I feel like a new relationship [TS]

00:41:08 ◼   ► to positive feelings and then also a [TS]

00:41:13 ◼   ► one-legged a nuanced relationship with [TS]

00:41:16 ◼   ► negative feelings and so those that [TS]

00:41:18 ◼   ► those early experiences are so we're so [TS]

00:41:20 ◼   ► amazing to me because like you could [TS]

00:41:21 ◼   ► acknowledge the negativity without [TS]

00:41:23 ◼   ► becoming too involved in it Ryder I [TS]

00:41:25 ◼   ► didn't you know I yeah I guess a little [TS]

00:41:26 ◼   ► bit of temporary distance from something [TS]

00:41:28 ◼   ► that used to be consuming yeah I could [TS]

00:41:30 ◼   ► or i could yell at my friend about some [TS]

00:41:33 ◼   ► things that he was doing that I that [TS]

00:41:36 ◼   ► during normal working hours i would just [TS]

00:41:38 ◼   ► I would never confront him up just I [TS]

00:41:41 ◼   ► would stare at the floor and he would [TS]

00:41:42 ◼   ► stare at the floor and but as time went [TS]

00:41:46 ◼   ► on you know I picture myself at 23 years [TS]

00:41:51 ◼   ► old up on a couch with my 25th beer in [TS]

00:41:56 ◼   ► my hand and a pot pipe in my other hand [TS]

00:41:59 ◼   ► and a tip of chewing tobacco in my lip [TS]

00:42:04 ◼   ► and a cigarette burning in the ashtray [TS]

00:42:06 ◼   ► and an eighth of mushrooms wearing off [TS]

00:42:10 ◼   ► in LA and I'm thinking okay I've gotta I [TS]

00:42:15 ◼   ► and all know it's done what is right and [TS]

00:42:19 ◼   ► then I'm sitting there like just about [TS]

00:42:21 ◼   ► the need something I need a shot of [TS]

00:42:23 ◼   ► tequila like it's a graphic it's like an [TS]

00:42:25 ◼   ► 11 band equalizer involving your mind [TS]

00:42:28 ◼   ► like yeah you're just weak the little [TS]

00:42:29 ◼   ► that's right feel like I'm laying on [TS]

00:42:31 ◼   ► this couch and I've got a I've got a [TS]

00:42:32 ◼   ► shield on me and then I've got a garbage [TS]

00:42:35 ◼   ► can lid on top of that and then a [TS]

00:42:37 ◼   ► blanket and then a one of those silver [TS]

00:42:40 ◼   ► blankets that keeps you warm in winter [TS]

00:42:42 ◼   ► and then a big sign that says you know [TS]

00:42:45 ◼   ► don't touch like how many layers [TS]

00:42:48 ◼   ► of protection against feeling do I need [TS]

00:42:51 ◼   ► at a certain point like a like feeling [TS]

00:42:53 ◼   ► at be having using drugs to reveal [TS]

00:42:58 ◼   ► feeling to myself and to reveal myself [TS]

00:43:02 ◼   ► to feeling then I wasn't that what what [TS]

00:43:06 ◼   ► what alcohol and drugs don't do is equip [TS]

00:43:09 ◼   ► you to incorporate real feeling into [TS]

00:43:13 ◼   ► your life and so then those feelings [TS]

00:43:17 ◼   ► become overwhelming but you're not [TS]

00:43:20 ◼   ► developing skills to incorporate them or [TS]

00:43:25 ◼   ► grow in those feelings and so then [TS]

00:43:27 ◼   ► you're surrounded by intense feelings [TS]

00:43:29 ◼   ► you can't incorporate and then you're [TS]

00:43:32 ◼   ► just trying to protect yourself against [TS]

00:43:36 ◼   ► your feelings and as time went on [TS]

00:43:39 ◼   ► i'm i'm i'm on this couch under the [TS]

00:43:42 ◼   ► weight of 25 garbage can lids just [TS]

00:43:46 ◼   ► trying to keep the just trying to feel [TS]

00:43:49 ◼   ► safe you know and what what the fuck was [TS]

00:43:52 ◼   ► that dipper chewing tobacco supposed to [TS]

00:43:54 ◼   ► do like I'm so fucked up I can I can't [TS]

00:43:58 ◼   ► put lift my feet up on the coffee table [TS]

00:43:59 ◼   ► but I'm like I needed to I just you know [TS]

00:44:02 ◼   ► what the chiz gonna even me out like the [TS]

00:44:05 ◼   ► chair and I've got my boring I'm already [TS]

00:44:06 ◼   ► smoking a cigarette and I output a dip [TS]

00:44:09 ◼   ► in just to like who [TS]

00:44:11 ◼   ► that's things going to cut the all about [TS]

00:44:15 ◼   ► feeling part that's interesting [TS]

00:44:16 ◼   ► yeah but and as time goes on when you [TS]

00:44:18 ◼   ► get to be 40 years old and you have been [TS]

00:44:20 ◼   ► you've been using drugs and alcohol as [TS]

00:44:23 ◼   ► your as your substitution for feeling or [TS]

00:44:28 ◼   ► as your proxy for your actual feelings [TS]

00:44:31 ◼   ► or as your compressor limiter for [TS]

00:44:33 ◼   ► feeling compressor limiter for feelings [TS]

00:44:35 ◼   ► you know it starts to get you start to [TS]

00:44:38 ◼   ► get scared and I think it happens a lot [TS]

00:44:40 ◼   ► lot lot before you're forty I mean you [TS]

00:44:45 ◼   ► start to get scared pretty early because [TS]

00:44:47 ◼   ► you don't have another you don't have [TS]

00:44:50 ◼   ► another way of of of compressing and [TS]

00:44:53 ◼   ► limiting feelings and so consequently [TS]

00:44:56 ◼   ► they feel like maybe they are on maybe [TS]

00:44:58 ◼   ► they have unlimited power [TS]

00:45:00 ◼   ► and if you don't have these things to [TS]

00:45:02 ◼   ► tamp them down or just to look at them [TS]

00:45:03 ◼   ► through maybe they will may be unleashed [TS]

00:45:08 ◼   ► they will poison you or destroy you this [TS]

00:45:10 ◼   ► in the second they get the chance that's [TS]

00:45:12 ◼   ► what it feels like you know you feel [TS]

00:45:14 ◼   ► like oh my god these feelings are going [TS]

00:45:17 ◼   ► to overwhelm me and without you know [TS]

00:45:20 ◼   ► without my like garbage can lids I'm [TS]

00:45:26 ◼   ► just I'm just in a lie can just a naked [TS]

00:45:29 ◼   ► scallop just pulsating on the beach [TS]

00:45:31 ◼   ► waiting for the Siegel of feelings to [TS]

00:45:36 ◼   ► pluck me from my shell I used to really [TS]

00:45:41 ◼   ► like i got is planning on sticking the [TS]

00:45:45 ◼   ► other day of the guy i had this this [TS]

00:45:46 ◼   ► feeling in this thought that I did not [TS]

00:45:48 ◼   ► want to acknowledge but I I'm guess I'm [TS]

00:45:51 ◼   ► acknowledging it now by saying it is I [TS]

00:45:54 ◼   ► used to I used to completely poopoo what [TS]

00:45:57 ◼   ► people would say about you know all the [TS]

00:45:59 ◼   ► kind of scare stuff in the 60s [TS]

00:46:00 ◼   ► especially about what psychedelics with [TS]

00:46:02 ◼   ► do you know how would fry your brain and [TS]

00:46:04 ◼   ► and all that kind of stuff and you know [TS]

00:46:06 ◼   ► I with that said I I knew enough people [TS]

00:46:09 ◼   ► at my college who did ecstasy every [TS]

00:46:11 ◼   ► weekend to see that it didn't take more [TS]

00:46:12 ◼   ► than a few months of doing ecstasy every [TS]

00:46:14 ◼   ► weekend to be a really different person [TS]

00:46:16 ◼   ► uh-huh [TS]

00:46:17 ◼   ► like I don't need to do a spinal tap I'm [TS]

00:46:19 ◼   ► just here to tell you that you're really [TS]

00:46:20 ◼   ► you're really you've gotten real goofy [TS]

00:46:22 ◼   ► like a person but there's I the other [TS]

00:46:24 ◼   ► day I was just sitting there and [TS]

00:46:25 ◼   ► thinking and i'm like done I'm having a [TS]

00:46:27 ◼   ► lot of really exotic stuff ain't no it [TS]

00:46:31 ◼   ► was all really mostly over for your auto [TS]

00:46:35 ◼   ► asphyxiation ya got a special Marc Maron [TS]

00:46:38 ◼   ► belt I I am I you know what it is i was [TS]

00:46:42 ◼   ► thinking well I guess what I was [TS]

00:46:44 ◼   ► thinking was I wonder I wonder in my [TS]

00:46:45 ◼   ► heart of hearts if problems i ever have [TS]

00:46:47 ◼   ► with all the seven dwarves of bad [TS]

00:46:50 ◼   ► emotions you know of like of all the [TS]

00:46:52 ◼   ► anxiety fear worry [TS]

00:46:54 ◼   ► uh I i always wonder whether there's [TS]

00:46:57 ◼   ► things about my cognition that got [TS]

00:46:59 ◼   ► thrown arm off of true [TS]

00:47:03 ◼   ► bye-bye second docks and I never want to [TS]

00:47:05 ◼   ► think about it i believe it's not i [TS]

00:47:06 ◼   ► don't feel like racked or anything like [TS]

00:47:07 ◼   ► that but I do think about that because I [TS]

00:47:10 ◼   ► that's what I enjoyed the feeling stuff [TS]

00:47:12 ◼   ► she [TS]

00:47:13 ◼   ► or for me but more I loved just having a [TS]

00:47:16 ◼   ► sense of humor that I've got and having [TS]

00:47:17 ◼   ► the did I don't know just the dark the [TS]

00:47:20 ◼   ► dark inner world that I've got there [TS]

00:47:22 ◼   ► would be things about tripping and [TS]

00:47:24 ◼   ► thinking about high school and how [TS]

00:47:25 ◼   ► stupid something was that just let me [TS]

00:47:28 ◼   ► know when I smoke pot to laugh at stuff [TS]

00:47:30 ◼   ► yeah not so much for feeling but there [TS]

00:47:32 ◼   ► was something about being able to [TS]

00:47:33 ◼   ► reframe an event and think of it a [TS]

00:47:36 ◼   ► different way I'm obviously start [TS]

00:47:37 ◼   ► laughing really stupid Stephanie that's [TS]

00:47:38 ◼   ► what I loved but that's what I working [TS]

00:47:40 ◼   ► well I wonder if my sights got knocked [TS]

00:47:43 ◼   ► off to the left to the right a little [TS]

00:47:44 ◼   ► too much from those days everyone giving [TS]

00:47:47 ◼   ► wonder about that well and I think it i [TS]

00:47:49 ◼   ► think i think when i say feelings I mean [TS]

00:47:51 ◼   ► that yet using the drugs to get to that [TS]

00:47:57 ◼   ► to get to that place of two even the [TS]

00:48:00 ◼   ► lightheartedness or the the vision of [TS]

00:48:03 ◼   ► the world that that the that the drugs [TS]

00:48:07 ◼   ► provide like it I i still feel like it's [TS]

00:48:10 ◼   ► all in the language of feelings you know [TS]

00:48:13 ◼   ► or in the language of like translating [TS]

00:48:15 ◼   ► your thoughts and feelings into into [TS]

00:48:18 ◼   ► like up like a thing that you can [TS]

00:48:24 ◼   ► approximate the thing that you can [TS]

00:48:25 ◼   ► handle and I mean I i still have I guess [TS]

00:48:31 ◼   ► what I what I could only describe as [TS]

00:48:33 ◼   ► flashbacks in the sense that I i revisit [TS]

00:48:37 ◼   ► the thing that I only ever saw or only [TS]

00:48:40 ◼   ► ever felt under psychedelic so I don't [TS]

00:48:43 ◼   ► feel like it's a flashback like oh the [TS]

00:48:45 ◼   ► choppers you know yeah like the song I [TS]

00:48:48 ◼   ► mean that all that vehicle stuff that I [TS]

00:48:50 ◼   ► see is in real time and it's happening [TS]

00:48:52 ◼   ► now but the but like you know those [TS]

00:48:55 ◼   ► moments where you realize through [TS]

00:48:57 ◼   ► psychedelics like how how small and [TS]

00:49:00 ◼   ► inane human endeavor is but also how [TS]

00:49:05 ◼   ► like how beautiful and how koyaanisqatsi [TS]

00:49:09 ◼   ► it is that that stuff still happens and [TS]

00:49:13 ◼   ► i'll still see a certain cast of light [TS]

00:49:15 ◼   ► that kind of excites the excites that [TS]

00:49:18 ◼   ► part of my brain but I don't feel like I [TS]

00:49:20 ◼   ► was broken or even even bent out of true [TS]

00:49:25 ◼   ► so much as well buy drugs as much as I [TS]

00:49:33 ◼   ► was by the by the punishment that I [TS]

00:49:38 ◼   ► inflicted on myself during those years [TS]

00:49:40 ◼   ► you know I didn't need to punish myself [TS]

00:49:42 ◼   ► so hard and it made me a different [TS]

00:49:45 ◼   ► person by virtue of just the i don't [TS]

00:49:51 ◼   ► think i have like a cacao our reaction [TS]

00:49:55 ◼   ► it's kind of the opposite you know I [TS]

00:49:57 ◼   ► like lead with my nose yeah but-but-but [TS]

00:50:01 ◼   ► that whole business of scheduling drugs [TS]

00:50:04 ◼   ► like and I and I see this all the time [TS]

00:50:06 ◼   ► particularly now that that pot is legal [TS]

00:50:08 ◼   ► in Washington State this this huge [TS]

00:50:11 ◼   ► advocacy that people feel that pot is a [TS]

00:50:15 ◼   ► medicine or that it's a sacrament or [TS]

00:50:20 ◼   ► that it you know Potter's is better than [TS]

00:50:23 ◼   ► alcohol but worse than cigarettes but [TS]

00:50:28 ◼   ► maybe better than cigarettes or that LSD [TS]

00:50:31 ◼   ► is dangerous in San Francisco you can [TS]

00:50:33 ◼   ► smoke pot a lot more places and [TS]

00:50:34 ◼   ► cigarettes [TS]

00:50:35 ◼   ► well yeah and now I mean there are [TS]

00:50:37 ◼   ► people that would never smoke a [TS]

00:50:39 ◼   ► cigarette that are smoking pot of [TS]

00:50:41 ◼   ► up-and-down well in somebody's house [TS]

00:50:42 ◼   ► like it's not unusual to be at a party [TS]

00:50:44 ◼   ► and somebody's park city boy you light [TS]

00:50:46 ◼   ► up a cigarette right there throwing the [TS]

00:50:48 ◼   ► fireplace yeah but but for me like I I [TS]

00:50:52 ◼   ► never there was a while where I felt [TS]

00:50:54 ◼   ► just socially the where we all get [TS]

00:51:00 ◼   ► pressured into thinking of drugs on a on [TS]

00:51:03 ◼   ► a schedule and heroin and crack or [TS]

00:51:07 ◼   ► somehow way out in the distance and pot [TS]

00:51:10 ◼   ► okay and aspirin are up here in the [TS]

00:51:15 ◼   ► foreground and this whole gateway drug [TS]

00:51:19 ◼   ► idea but for me personally like I have [TS]

00:51:27 ◼   ► I i tried all those drugs and had a kind [TS]

00:51:31 ◼   ► of profound experience with each one of [TS]

00:51:33 ◼   ► them and they each have a kind of [TS]

00:51:35 ◼   ► magical piece of the puzzle to deliver [TS]

00:51:38 ◼   ► and i have watched people suffer under [TS]

00:51:44 ◼   ► all those drugs and the people that I [TS]

00:51:47 ◼   ► know in their forties who are laboring [TS]

00:51:49 ◼   ► under their marijuana addiction are at [TS]

00:51:54 ◼   ► just as much a disadvantage as the [TS]

00:51:57 ◼   ► people i know in their forties who are [TS]

00:51:59 ◼   ► still heroin addicts and are managing [TS]

00:52:01 ◼   ► that problem that's been the pot people [TS]

00:52:03 ◼   ► are like God love them they're [TS]

00:52:05 ◼   ► surrounded by other people who are more [TS]

00:52:08 ◼   ► than happy to agree with them about how [TS]

00:52:09 ◼   ► like getting really stoned a couple [TS]

00:52:12 ◼   ► times a day is just didn't really you [TS]

00:52:15 ◼   ► find a lot of commonality or comedy you [TS]

00:52:18 ◼   ► know I mean like meeting other people [TS]

00:52:19 ◼   ► like that you kind of check each other [TS]

00:52:21 ◼   ► on the shoulder and garlic [TS]

00:52:22 ◼   ► it's cool that we get really wasted like [TS]

00:52:23 ◼   ► at least once a day and that becomes [TS]

00:52:26 ◼   ► that becomes totally normal and then you [TS]

00:52:28 ◼   ► surround yourself with that and that [TS]

00:52:29 ◼   ► becomes I don't mean to sound judgey [TS]

00:52:31 ◼   ► but like i just had met some people that [TS]

00:52:33 ◼   ► just it seems like they're in a constant [TS]

00:52:34 ◼   ► stupor and don't have any way to realize [TS]

00:52:36 ◼   ► that they're in a constant super well [TS]

00:52:38 ◼   ► i'm particularly like over the course of [TS]

00:52:40 ◼   ► 20 years of smoking pot when when like [TS]

00:52:43 ◼   ► like any drug or like any food if pot is [TS]

00:52:46 ◼   ► both the reward for a job well done and [TS]

00:52:49 ◼   ► a good day and pot is also the [TS]

00:52:52 ◼   ► consolation for a bad day then what pot [TS]

00:52:57 ◼   ► is what you are doing instead of having [TS]

00:53:01 ◼   ► feelings what you are doing instead of [TS]

00:53:03 ◼   ► sitting there and thinking about what [TS]

00:53:04 ◼   ► happened today and feeling those [TS]

00:53:07 ◼   ► feelings again and processing it and [TS]

00:53:09 ◼   ► growing right at the pot is at least [TS]

00:53:13 ◼   ► interjecting itself where you are [TS]

00:53:15 ◼   ► intersecting it in between your real [TS]

00:53:18 ◼   ► lived experience and the very necessary [TS]

00:53:21 ◼   ► sort of proto dreaming that we all need [TS]

00:53:25 ◼   ► to do at the end of the day words like [TS]

00:53:26 ◼   ► today was a bad day i had a bad day [TS]

00:53:28 ◼   ► today and i don't i'm not going to watch [TS]

00:53:31 ◼   ► TV right now I'm not going to have a hit [TS]

00:53:35 ◼   ► of pot or a glass of wine i'm going to [TS]

00:53:37 ◼   ► sit here for a minute and i'm just going [TS]

00:53:39 ◼   ► to reflect on what [TS]

00:53:40 ◼   ► and down and if if you're not doing that [TS]

00:53:43 ◼   ► then you then you are in a kind of [TS]

00:53:48 ◼   ► whirlpool where you're just going back [TS]

00:53:51 ◼   ► out the next day and hoping that it [TS]

00:53:53 ◼   ► doesn't happen again but you're not [TS]

00:53:54 ◼   ► you're not you're not reflecting you're [TS]

00:53:58 ◼   ► introducing another element into the [TS]

00:54:00 ◼   ► reflection that is supposed to you know [TS]

00:54:05 ◼   ► that you say to yourself is calming you [TS]

00:54:07 ◼   ► or is making in that glass of wine is [TS]

00:54:10 ◼   ► necessary to unwind at the end of the [TS]

00:54:13 ◼   ► day and it's like really is unwinding [TS]

00:54:15 ◼   ► what you need to be doing or do you need [TS]

00:54:18 ◼   ► to be like wondering what you know like [TS]

00:54:22 ◼   ► wondering what happened and and and what [TS]

00:54:25 ◼   ► to do differently so I I feel like like [TS]

00:54:30 ◼   ► I I know a guy in Seattle who runs a [TS]

00:54:32 ◼   ► multimillion-dollar enterprise and every [TS]

00:54:37 ◼   ► day he gets up in the morning and he [TS]

00:54:40 ◼   ► makes a bunch of business decisions that [TS]

00:54:41 ◼   ► are that keep his business going and [TS]

00:54:45 ◼   ► keep the and keep the money coming in [TS]

00:54:48 ◼   ► and then he goes out to lunch and by two [TS]

00:54:52 ◼   ► o'clock in the afternoon he has had a [TS]

00:54:55 ◼   ► handful of pills four lines off the back [TS]

00:54:58 ◼   ► of a toilet he spent six hundred dollars [TS]

00:55:01 ◼   ► at lunch and consume two bottles of [TS]

00:55:04 ◼   ► something and then he goes back to work [TS]

00:55:07 ◼   ► Wow and from a contact high bottom [TS]

00:55:10 ◼   ► sometimes very very high vada clock to [TS]

00:55:14 ◼   ► six o'clock he continues to make [TS]

00:55:16 ◼   ► business decisions right but now he is [TS]

00:55:20 ◼   ► he is basically undoing the work he does [TS]

00:55:23 ◼   ► every morning and somehow he makes it [TS]

00:55:25 ◼   ► you know like somehow he gets to the end [TS]

00:55:26 ◼   ► of the day and he is like little is some [TS]

00:55:30 ◼   ► wine and unwind after that [TS]

00:55:31 ◼   ► yeah a little bit of white on wine he's [TS]

00:55:33 ◼   ► borderline date raping his assistant is [TS]

00:55:36 ◼   ► like everybody in the town is like this [TS]

00:55:39 ◼   ► guy [TS]

00:55:40 ◼   ► oh my god like somebody stop him but of [TS]

00:55:42 ◼   ► course nobody can and because he's a [TS]

00:55:45 ◼   ► millionaire [TS]

00:55:46 ◼   ► everybody's just like well you know he [TS]

00:55:48 ◼   ► is a millionaire [TS]

00:55:49 ◼   ► he is he does make it work somehow [TS]

00:55:51 ◼   ► and what for whatever however this guy's [TS]

00:55:54 ◼   ► metabolism works everything about it so [TS]

00:55:55 ◼   ► they kind of grudging admiration [TS]

00:55:58 ◼   ► well never seriously I mean we go wow [TS]

00:56:00 ◼   ► that I mean it hasn't fallen apart yet [TS]

00:56:02 ◼   ► right but also a kind of a kind of fear [TS]

00:56:04 ◼   ► that's in everybody of like well I want [TS]

00:56:06 ◼   ► you know it's one thing to confront a [TS]

00:56:07 ◼   ► guy who is who is that is vomiting on [TS]

00:56:11 ◼   ► himself on the sidewalk in front of the [TS]

00:56:13 ◼   ► bar but it's another thing to confront a [TS]

00:56:15 ◼   ► guy who's being helped into his limo by [TS]

00:56:18 ◼   ► his two assistants especially if you and [TS]

00:56:22 ◼   ► I can't afford a limo it yeah right you [TS]

00:56:25 ◼   ► seem like you know ungraceful to to [TS]

00:56:27 ◼   ► point that out say like hey you know [TS]

00:56:30 ◼   ► what all these you know this limo and [TS]

00:56:32 ◼   ► these two assistants and all these drugs [TS]

00:56:33 ◼   ► are just garbage can lids that you're [TS]

00:56:35 ◼   ► piling on top of yourself on the couch [TS]

00:56:37 ◼   ► and maybe you should have a chew depart [TS]

00:56:38 ◼   ► hit neck neck be two people should take [TS]

00:56:41 ◼   ► it too because that's really gonna take [TS]

00:56:42 ◼   ► the edge off but you know i mean there [TS]

00:56:46 ◼   ► isn't it there it by the same token you [TS]

00:56:49 ◼   ► know I look at him and I know he's [TS]

00:56:50 ◼   ► running a business at a level that that [TS]

00:56:53 ◼   ► escapes me [TS]

00:56:54 ◼   ► do not get up at five o'clock in the [TS]

00:56:56 ◼   ► morning and make six hours of really [TS]

00:56:57 ◼   ► super good business decisions before [TS]

00:56:59 ◼   ► taking my first like a handful of [TS]

00:57:03 ◼   ► percocets [TS]

00:57:04 ◼   ► I I got up this morning and drank coffee [TS]

00:57:07 ◼   ► out of a beer mug in the bathtub reading [TS]

00:57:10 ◼   ► about Sandra Bullock haven't had a [TS]

00:57:12 ◼   ► hadn't haven't had a single sex crime [TS]

00:57:14 ◼   ► all day not i said i have not I have not [TS]

00:57:16 ◼   ► made an assistant feel weird about [TS]

00:57:21 ◼   ► herself [TS]

00:57:23 ◼   ► I'll in 40 now yeah you're really [TS]

00:57:25 ◼   ► limiting yourself and i think when i [TS]

00:57:29 ◼   ► don't know i don't say when it's younger [TS]

00:57:31 ◼   ► when you're younger but I i think [TS]

00:57:32 ◼   ► there's there if if you're going to try [TS]

00:57:34 ◼   ► and summarize a lot of what makes people [TS]

00:57:39 ◼   ► on accidentally doing toxicants it has [TS]

00:57:43 ◼   ► something to do with what i would call [TS]

00:57:45 ◼   ► the possibilities of self when you're [TS]

00:57:48 ◼   ► very young I think it's hard to really [TS]

00:57:50 ◼   ► understand all the possibilities of self [TS]

00:57:52 ◼   ► for better or for worse and in your case [TS]

00:57:54 ◼   ► that might make you feel less inhibited [TS]

00:57:56 ◼   ► to say something or feel something or to [TS]

00:57:59 ◼   ► be aware of a feeling that you have [TS]

00:58:00 ◼   ► that's a certain kind of possibility of [TS]

00:58:02 ◼   ► self but i mean i think pretty much all [TS]

00:58:04 ◼   ► the drugs [TS]

00:58:05 ◼   ► and we're talking about have those [TS]

00:58:07 ◼   ► qualities to them where you know if you [TS]

00:58:10 ◼   ► do a whole bunch of blow i'm given to [TS]

00:58:11 ◼   ► believe your possibilities of self can [TS]

00:58:13 ◼   ► seem extremely ambitious you feel pretty [TS]

00:58:16 ◼   ► good about the future pretty selfie in [TS]

00:58:19 ◼   ► the first 10 minutes after you do a [TS]

00:58:21 ◼   ► bunch of below if you like the futures [TS]

00:58:23 ◼   ► pretty but everything in my case you [TS]

00:58:25 ◼   ► know LSD could show me possibilities [TS]

00:58:28 ◼   ► itself that I would have had access to [TS]

00:58:30 ◼   ► in such a you know incontrovertible like [TS]

00:58:33 ◼   ► bald way like wow this I feel like I can [TS]

00:58:36 ◼   ► see this thing with this clarity that I [TS]

00:58:37 ◼   ► couldn't before [TS]

00:58:38 ◼   ► absolute so I mean I don't know when [TS]

00:58:40 ◼   ► that turns into something that becomes [TS]

00:58:41 ◼   ► problematic but I mean I think like [TS]

00:58:43 ◼   ► you're getting at i'm not i'm not in any [TS]

00:58:46 ◼   ► way trying to be like a what a prude [TS]

00:58:48 ◼   ► it's just it like I'm really in some [TS]

00:58:50 ◼   ► ways I'm really glad that I had a safe [TS]

00:58:52 ◼   ► place to fuck around with those [TS]

00:58:55 ◼   ► possibilities of self for a small amount [TS]

00:58:58 ◼   ► of time [TS]

00:58:59 ◼   ► yeah and i'm glad i didn't keep trying [TS]

00:59:02 ◼   ► to figure that out too much too often [TS]

00:59:04 ◼   ► too much [TS]

00:59:06 ◼   ► well this is for 20 more years about [TS]

00:59:08 ◼   ► trying to trying to come up with a like [TS]

00:59:10 ◼   ► a a cool drug policy for the future [TS]

00:59:15 ◼   ► because I I really do believe that [TS]

00:59:18 ◼   ► everybody who is curious should try [TS]

00:59:22 ◼   ► every drug and and should try every drug [TS]

00:59:28 ◼   ► more than once but there but there is a [TS]

00:59:32 ◼   ► moment where you are with every single [TS]

00:59:36 ◼   ► drug chasing the dragon and trying to [TS]

00:59:40 ◼   ► recapture the feeling that you that you [TS]

00:59:43 ◼   ► had you know and with with LSD if you [TS]

00:59:47 ◼   ► took LSD a couple of times a week for a [TS]

00:59:50 ◼   ► whole summer you would have a whole [TS]

00:59:54 ◼   ► variety of experiences and it would be [TS]

00:59:55 ◼   ► mind-expanding and and I think I [TS]

00:59:55 ◼   ► mind-expanding and and I think I [TS]

01:00:00 ◼   ► would be an overall net positive for you [TS]

01:00:02 ◼   ► but at the end of the summer you would [TS]

01:00:05 ◼   ► already start to feel like oh this trip [TS]

01:00:10 ◼   ► isn't getting me to that to the place [TS]

01:00:13 ◼   ► that some of those trips in mid-summer [TS]

01:00:16 ◼   ► did you know and with cocaine and with [TS]

01:00:20 ◼   ► mushrooms and with MDMA and heroin even [TS]

01:00:26 ◼   ► like all certainly crack like you do it [TS]

01:00:32 ◼   ► the first time and you're like holy [TS]

01:00:34 ◼   ► mother of god and then the second time [TS]

01:00:37 ◼   ► it's like you cannot believe you're [TS]

01:00:39 ◼   ► there again and there and that that [TS]

01:00:43 ◼   ► climb its it doesn't fall off [TS]

01:00:46 ◼   ► immediately like that you keep climbing [TS]

01:00:48 ◼   ► and that's the fifth time you do it it's [TS]

01:00:50 ◼   ► like that's why the fifth time you do it [TS]

01:00:54 ◼   ► you have a tendency to think i have [TS]

01:00:56 ◼   ► found my new band right like that moment [TS]

01:00:59 ◼   ► that I had really high when i was [TS]

01:01:01 ◼   ► driving around Anchorage with my friend [TS]

01:01:02 ◼   ► Peter and I said and we were listening [TS]

01:01:05 ◼   ► to thick as a brick and I said you know [TS]

01:01:08 ◼   ► what [TS]

01:01:08 ◼   ► Jethro tall is going to be my new band [TS]

01:01:11 ◼   ► i'm going to go down the Jethro Tull fan [TS]

01:01:14 ◼   ► hole and and that's going to set me [TS]

01:01:19 ◼   ► apart because there aren't a lot of [TS]

01:01:20 ◼   ► jethro tull fans that I know that are [TS]

01:01:22 ◼   ► like deep deep fans and it's going to be [TS]

01:01:25 ◼   ► me Jethro Tull is gonna be my band Peter [TS]

01:01:27 ◼   ► was like I don't know that our druids or [TS]

01:01:29 ◼   ► Wiccans yeah he was like I don't know [TS]

01:01:31 ◼   ► man are you sure about that and I was [TS]

01:01:32 ◼   ► like I'm and we were both pretty pretty [TS]

01:01:34 ◼   ► wasted and i said i'm pretty sure that [TS]

01:01:36 ◼   ► Jethro at all like speaks to me in this [TS]

01:01:38 ◼   ► way and then of course the next day I [TS]

01:01:41 ◼   ► was like oh my god what was I think [TS]

01:01:42 ◼   ► throat old can't be my band but you know [TS]

01:01:45 ◼   ► everybody has that experience on the [TS]

01:01:47 ◼   ► scene of the fifth time they do a drug [TS]

01:01:48 ◼   ► was just like this is my thing this is [TS]

01:01:50 ◼   ► my jam who and almost immediately after [TS]

01:01:53 ◼   ► that you start getting it's diminishing [TS]

01:01:55 ◼   ► returns [TS]

01:01:57 ◼   ► so how we could approach drugs as a [TS]

01:02:00 ◼   ► culture and say like listen it's like [TS]

01:02:03 ◼   ► room Springer [TS]

01:02:04 ◼   ► her at a certain point you you leave the [TS]

01:02:08 ◼   ► village and you go on your drug odyssey [TS]

01:02:11 ◼   ► because I meet people all the time who [TS]

01:02:13 ◼   ► say I have never taken a drug and I go [TS]

01:02:16 ◼   ► all really [TS]

01:02:18 ◼   ► Jesus man you should try some drugs [TS]

01:02:21 ◼   ► their astonishing la don't start now [TS]

01:02:24 ◼   ► that be what a bummer [TS]

01:02:25 ◼   ► you really should have 20 years ago yeah [TS]

01:02:27 ◼   ► but even like a 40 year old who's never [TS]

01:02:28 ◼   ► taken LSD it's like okay I don't think [TS]

01:02:31 ◼   ► you should take LSD and get on the [TS]

01:02:33 ◼   ► subway by yourself [TS]

01:02:34 ◼   ► yeah but if you went out to the beach [TS]

01:02:36 ◼   ► with I worry about my neuroplasticity [TS]

01:02:38 ◼   ► John is that right you think you think [TS]

01:02:40 ◼   ► it would you think it might actually zap [TS]

01:02:43 ◼   ► you [TS]

01:02:43 ◼   ► I mean I've known some people that one [TS]

01:02:45 ◼   ► guy in particular that LSD ruined his [TS]

01:02:48 ◼   ► life and turned him into a startling [TS]

01:02:51 ◼   ► schizophrenia like chicken pox like [TS]

01:02:53 ◼   ► gonna do before your 35 there's gonna be [TS]

01:02:55 ◼   ► problems that's my guess you think you [TS]

01:02:56 ◼   ► would come back from a trip and just be [TS]

01:02:58 ◼   ► like little bit yeah [TS]

01:03:00 ◼   ► Baron know I don't know I mean I just I [TS]

01:03:03 ◼   ► just my body and my I would like to [TS]

01:03:07 ◼   ► think my i'll be an unformed mind I I [TS]

01:03:10 ◼   ► definitely have more plasticity and more [TS]

01:03:12 ◼   ► bounce back in general so I mean I don't [TS]

01:03:14 ◼   ► know I'm not send the transit to decide [TS]

01:03:15 ◼   ► people that did the joy and really [TS]

01:03:17 ◼   ► terror of LSD haha [TS]

01:03:21 ◼   ► listen have you have you not experience [TS]

01:03:23 ◼   ► the terror of LSD might just correct you [TS]

01:03:27 ◼   ► terrified you should be terrified at the [TS]

01:03:29 ◼   ► Oscars or disney world it's really fun [TS]

01:03:31 ◼   ► I do fear that the the the idea because [TS]

01:03:34 ◼   ► I always held out the possibility like [TS]

01:03:36 ◼   ► okay I understand that psychedelics are [TS]

01:03:38 ◼   ► not strictly an addictive drug and when [TS]

01:03:43 ◼   ► I am 50 years old maybe I'll want to go [TS]

01:03:45 ◼   ► out to then you know the northern coast [TS]

01:03:49 ◼   ► and stand on a windswept rock and take [TS]

01:03:51 ◼   ► some LSD got to connect harbor and see [TS]

01:03:54 ◼   ► holiday it's yeah well no no just go out [TS]

01:03:57 ◼   ► and like watch the whales ok but then I [TS]

01:04:00 ◼   ► then I recall those times when I would [TS]

01:04:04 ◼   ► be sitting when I would be sitting on [TS]

01:04:07 ◼   ► the quad of my college naked wrapped in [TS]

01:04:11 ◼   ► a blanket and trying everything i could [TS]

01:04:16 ◼   ► to keep the complete [TS]

01:04:18 ◼   ► panic oh my god oh I don't miss that and [TS]

01:04:21 ◼   ► saying like do not panic this is not you [TS]

01:04:25 ◼   ► know this will not last forever dude [TS]

01:04:26 ◼   ► please do not lose your last toehold [TS]

01:04:29 ◼   ► with reality and then imagine myself now [TS]

01:04:32 ◼   ► with with as you're describing like my [TS]

01:04:35 ◼   ► complete lack of plasticity or her now [TS]

01:04:38 ◼   ► and just feeling with student recovery [TS]

01:04:40 ◼   ► on that would be today [TS]

01:04:41 ◼   ► nonono oh yeah i just i think of like ah [TS]

01:04:47 ◼   ► like a windham hill album on repeat that [TS]

01:04:50 ◼   ► I somehow couldn't get to turn off and [TS]

01:04:53 ◼   ► having one thought in my head which is [TS]

01:04:54 ◼   ► that this is the only thought in my head [TS]

01:04:56 ◼   ► and this may be the only thought in my [TS]

01:04:58 ◼   ► head that I ever have it and and my [TS]

01:05:00 ◼   ► brain has stopped working [TS]

01:05:02 ◼   ► you know I used to really hate to really [TS]

01:05:04 ◼   ► be into the fact that i could think and [TS]

01:05:06 ◼   ► and and then I would sit there and I [TS]

01:05:08 ◼   ► think this is the last time I'm ever [TS]

01:05:09 ◼   ► going to think i'm gonna take forever [TS]

01:05:10 ◼   ► and the thought that I'm thinking is [TS]

01:05:12 ◼   ► that this is the last time I'm ever [TS]

01:05:13 ◼   ► going to think i'm gonna take forever [TS]

01:05:14 ◼   ► haha nicee meanwhile like windham hill [TS]

01:05:18 ◼   ► violin music is playing just thinking [TS]

01:05:20 ◼   ► there's absolutely there's no proof in [TS]

01:05:22 ◼   ► the entire universe to show me that this [TS]

01:05:25 ◼   ► will never be any different [TS]

01:05:26 ◼   ► I'm going to lose my mind right now [TS]

01:05:29 ◼   ► sitting here and there's not a damn [TS]

01:05:31 ◼   ► thing I can do about it [TS]

01:05:32 ◼   ► I would I was hitchhiking and ended up [TS]

01:05:35 ◼   ► in Durango Colorado at one time and got [TS]

01:05:39 ◼   ► into a pickup truck with a guy and he [TS]

01:05:41 ◼   ► was like wanna go to a party and I was [TS]

01:05:44 ◼   ► like absolutely and he said one some [TS]

01:05:46 ◼   ► acid and I said absolutely and we show [TS]

01:05:51 ◼   ► up at this party and it's like it's like [TS]

01:05:53 ◼   ► a on the surface of its a cool scene [TS]

01:05:55 ◼   ► right it's like a like a country kind of [TS]

01:05:58 ◼   ► house on some land and there's a bunch [TS]

01:06:01 ◼   ► of cool cool cats there and and pretty [TS]

01:06:05 ◼   ► girls and in slough r print dresses and [TS]

01:06:07 ◼   ► dogs lolling around on the porch [TS]

01:06:11 ◼   ► and I kind of walk into this party and [TS]

01:06:13 ◼   ► the acid starts coming on and I looked [TS]

01:06:18 ◼   ► and everybody kind of looks at me and [TS]

01:06:20 ◼   ► there is no welcome [TS]

01:06:22 ◼   ► no one's welcome in I'm like hey hi how [TS]

01:06:26 ◼   ► are you i'm just i just got a ride with [TS]

01:06:29 ◼   ► this guy and now I'm here and you know [TS]

01:06:32 ◼   ► huh young a young person just like you [TS]

01:06:34 ◼   ► guys and everybody was like and so now [TS]

01:06:41 ◼   ► I'm out in the woods in this at this [TS]

01:06:44 ◼   ► house party and I'm coming on some kind [TS]

01:06:50 ◼   ► of strychnine t acid and no one is [TS]

01:06:54 ◼   ► friendly like nerves have been lightly [TS]

01:06:58 ◼   ► toasted yeah and i felt myself on it [TS]

01:07:02 ◼   ► right now I felt myself on the edge of [TS]

01:07:04 ◼   ► falling off this precipice of like this [TS]

01:07:08 ◼   ► is not gonna go well this is not going [TS]

01:07:10 ◼   ► to be fun and I when I sat on the i sat [TS]

01:07:14 ◼   ► in a chair on the porch and I'm betting [TS]