Roderick on the Line

Ep. 82: "Yelling at Trees"


00:00:00   hello hey John I Merlin hello [TS]

00:00:15   ya got what I need but you say he's just [TS]

00:00:22   a friend [TS]

00:00:23   ya bizz Markie yes [TS]

00:00:28   Biz Markie say I was just listening to [TS]

00:00:32   some fizz Marquis yeah yesterday i was [TS]

00:00:35   listening to the bottle service in today [TS]

00:00:37   I'm listening to biz markie and just [TS]

00:00:39   trying to I'm trying to go back and [TS]

00:00:41   start over again returning to the [TS]

00:00:44   classics I'm gonna take a different Road [TS]

00:00:45   this time [TS]

00:00:47   yeah i'm gonna take the high road [TS]

00:00:49   starting afresh [TS]

00:00:51   yeah I start off brush tabula rasa haha [TS]

00:00:55   Byul Arase who [TS]

00:00:57   word up John blank slate have you been [TS]

00:01:00   getting exposed to new music oh well you [TS]

00:01:04   know i was just at Seattle's bumbershoot [TS]

00:01:05   festival and got exposed to a lot of new [TS]

00:01:09   things I got exposed to some music like [TS]

00:01:14   the Breeders superchunk community the [TS]

00:01:18   zombies what that Kepler cutie [TS]

00:01:21   whoa whoa all the big axe the Esau you [TS]

00:01:24   saw sergeant and the other guy sergeant [TS]

00:01:28   and what's-his-name allergen and and big [TS]

00:01:29   voice that can still sing like how can [TS]

00:01:31   II he sings it's amazing he's like an [TS]

00:01:33   angel [TS]

00:01:34   he's a little man and he's blue he's [TS]

00:01:36   blowing doors out with this but this [TS]

00:01:38   incredible voice my first song first [TS]

00:01:41   chorus and you're like how do you get [TS]

00:01:45   how would you get there even at the end [TS]

00:01:46   of your set how would you be so so [TS]

00:01:48   warmed up that you could hit that note [TS]

00:01:50   he's right there his solo records really [TS]

00:01:52   good now I'm sorry that i'm totally [TS]

00:01:54   spacing out his name is Colin Colin [TS]

00:01:57   blundstone once down [TS]

00:01:59   yeah they have a really good song that I [TS]

00:02:01   think they might even record after [TS]

00:02:02   odyssey an Oracle i think it's called [TS]

00:02:04   remember the Swan em and then [TS]

00:02:07   and then it's just uh just soaring yeah [TS]

00:02:10   that record is that's a melancholy [TS]

00:02:12   record it is there's a lot of sadness [TS]

00:02:14   being a zombie [TS]

00:02:16   mmm they're so so strong about world war [TS]

00:02:19   one on there [TS]

00:02:20   well you know what there's a song about [TS]

00:02:22   world war one on the second key to help [TS]

00:02:23   them to they don't want to talk about it [TS]

00:02:26   was a controversial because they like [TS]

00:02:29   the wrong side it's just that a lot of [TS]

00:02:30   that most keen fans you know that they [TS]

00:02:32   want the they want the songs to be about [TS]

00:02:34   love automatically what would you seem [TS]

00:02:36   less keen songs are about I would say [TS]

00:02:38   most keen songs are about longing for [TS]

00:02:42   friendship oh it's like a bunny kind of [TS]

00:02:46   thing longing for friendship [TS]

00:02:48   it's proto brownie they McKeon was there [TS]

00:02:50   before the bronies but yeah it's about [TS]

00:02:53   longing for friendship just like [TS]

00:02:54   everything [TS]

00:02:55   yeah it's like everything i remember i [TS]

00:02:58   remember you know back when I didn't [TS]

00:02:59   want to be touched [TS]

00:03:01   I didn't realize that there is never it [TS]

00:03:03   had been realized that i did that what I [TS]

00:03:07   really was doing was yearning to be [TS]

00:03:09   touched you you just wanted to hold [TS]

00:03:11   hands and talk yeah you know like to put [TS]

00:03:15   your head on my shoulder cut my hair is [TS]

00:03:17   I don't think that's what everybody [TS]

00:03:19   wants nice hair [TS]

00:03:20   ya see saw the zombies you saw the beers [TS]

00:03:23   i asked the beaters a couple times they [TS]

00:03:24   did back in the day they put on a pretty [TS]

00:03:26   good show i like better nirvana song [TS]

00:03:28   yeah you know they still put on a good [TS]

00:03:29   show and I have to say I was it i'm i'm [TS]

00:03:32   standing in the crowd the young lady I [TS]

00:03:35   was with the concert turned to me and [TS]

00:03:37   said judge that do the Breeders matter [TS]

00:03:40   to you where the Breeders part of your [TS]

00:03:41   thing today are they like part of your [TS]

00:03:43   pantheon by my side and i slumped my [TS]

00:03:47   shoulders and I said yes the Breeders [TS]

00:03:50   matter to me what part of that was hard [TS]

00:03:52   for you it's hard i don't know i [TS]

00:03:54   remember at the time the Breeders it [TS]

00:03:57   just felt like it felt like it was that [TS]

00:04:01   that moment in time where it's like we [TS]

00:04:02   don't even know what a player [TS]

00:04:03   instruments my sister doesn't even she [TS]

00:04:05   never even picked up a guitar before and [TS]

00:04:07   and now she's you know coming up with [TS]

00:04:09   these cool guitar parts and we're a band [TS]

00:04:11   and we don't even care do to do and I [TS]

00:04:13   was like fuck all of that [TS]

00:04:15   yeah but in fact they made really good [TS]

00:04:17   music [TS]

00:04:18   of to me you know like that music [TS]

00:04:20   reaches me it's very cool everything [TS]

00:04:25   about them is cool but but like I feel [TS]

00:04:28   like it's legitimately cool it's not [TS]

00:04:29   trying to is it is and I think just one [TS]

00:04:31   of those instances where the albini [TS]

00:04:33   production was such a perfect match [TS]

00:04:35   yeah I mean that man knows how to make a [TS]

00:04:37   base yes he can make up is I mean two [TS]

00:04:40   midgets base is like a force of nature [TS]

00:04:42   really way he makes it sound in the way [TS]

00:04:44   he does drums i heard am I got a copy of [TS]

00:04:47   the cassette of demos mostly stuff that [TS]

00:04:51   was on pod and some stuff that would be [TS]

00:04:53   on last splash in early versions and [TS]

00:04:56   it's not a great it was I think we're [TS]

00:04:58   like you put this on and if you were [TS]

00:04:59   some dumbass record executive in the [TS]

00:05:01   early nineties who would you know who [TS]

00:05:02   would have signed up in a pound of bacon [TS]

00:05:03   like cotton candy got plans why ya gotta [TS]

00:05:08   promote the hell out of this [TS]

00:05:09   poke poke poke I'll tell you how to make [TS]

00:05:11   I'm gonna be you just bake this right [TS]

00:05:15   talks up pop [TS]

00:05:16   well I have to say though you know how I [TS]

00:05:17   feel about distortion and I've been [TS]

00:05:19   reflecting back on my life as a musician [TS]

00:05:21   and i feel like i have not I have not [TS]

00:05:24   given distort I'm not allowed myself to [TS]

00:05:28   have distortion this is the problem and [TS]

00:05:32   I'm sorry I lost you you have a meeting [TS]

00:05:34   overdrive or confusion [TS]

00:05:36   mm-hmm do I see no i mean so what you [TS]

00:05:41   don't you get a pass or a rat or [TS]

00:05:43   something's both things i have a million [TS]

00:05:45   overdrive pedals i have a I actually [TS]

00:05:46   have a there's an extension of my house [TS]

00:05:48   just built out of the boxes the [TS]

00:05:50   overdrive pedals came on and we call it [TS]

00:05:53   the boss we but i but but you know in [TS]

00:05:57   the nineties right i had a mite my [TS]

00:06:00   amplifier was a carven 120 watt head on [TS]

00:06:05   top of a 4-12 cabinet that was so great [TS]

00:06:08   about 600 yes that was it was one of [TS]

00:06:10   those elements heavily they was so heavy [TS]

00:06:13   and it was and it had a parametric EQ on [TS]

00:06:15   the front and it was you know but for [TS]

00:06:20   all back in the day you know we guitar [TS]

00:06:21   dudes would sit and like really micro [TS]

00:06:23   adjust all the different frequencies at [TS]

00:06:27   this you know this is for playing club [TS]

00:06:30   shows where there are 60 80 people [TS]

00:06:32   hundred and fifty people and you know I [TS]

00:06:34   had that and then the other guitarist in [TS]

00:06:36   the band also had a 4-12 cabinet and a [TS]

00:06:39   hundred whitehead [TS]

00:06:40   we're just ripping people's faces off [TS]

00:06:42   and every band did it and tons and tons [TS]

00:06:45   of distortion it was you know we're rock [TS]

00:06:47   and roll but my indie rock career there [TS]

00:06:49   are no there but hardly any recordings [TS]

00:06:51   of that whole decade and my indie rock [TS]

00:06:55   career was you know it coincided with [TS]

00:06:58   the whole quiet is the new loud [TS]

00:07:01   apocalypse and the whole distortion is [TS]

00:07:05   bad fast tempos or bad we're just going [TS]

00:07:07   to our music is just gonna going to bore [TS]

00:07:10   people into a state where all they want [TS]

00:07:12   to do is buy the t-shirt just gently [TS]

00:07:14   stroked me ukulele case yeah just I mean [TS]

00:07:17   longing for Israelis it was just like [TS]

00:07:19   we're going to pet your vagina hair [TS]

00:07:21   until you see you sleep sleep sleep and [TS]

00:07:27   so you know so the first few long [TS]

00:07:29   winters records were made in the in this [TS]

00:07:32   area and at that point I had I had lost [TS]

00:07:36   my confidence in rock and roll a little [TS]

00:07:38   bit my personal confidence in it and i [TS]

00:07:40   didn't know i didn't understand what was [TS]

00:07:42   happening and and I was being shepherded [TS]

00:07:45   through these recordings and and I was [TS]

00:07:49   on a label that was very a that you know [TS]

00:07:52   also believed that hard rock and heavy [TS]

00:07:55   rock and kind of run its course this is [TS]

00:07:58   a new generation and so the so the long [TS]

00:08:00   winters records are are softer than i [TS]

00:08:04   would have had them if if if I medicine [TS]

00:08:09   cabinet pirate medicine cabinet pirate [TS]

00:08:11   was up absolute fist fight to get it [TS]

00:08:14   made [TS]

00:08:15   there was one mix of medicine cabinet [TS]

00:08:17   pirate that was presented to me in the [TS]

00:08:19   business is like late in the game like [TS]

00:08:21   we are mixing the record and a mix of [TS]

00:08:25   medicine cabinet pirate came over the [TS]

00:08:27   bow that had no guitars on [TS]

00:08:31   is this mr. wala it was chris wallace [TS]

00:08:34   was like I just don't understand the [TS]

00:08:36   guitars on this record I don't quite [TS]

00:08:38   understand the guitar sounds and I [TS]

00:08:40   really this is what i'm hearing and it [TS]

00:08:41   sounded like a Bjork mix it was like [TS]

00:08:43   bass and drum machine and just got the [TS]

00:08:48   dr j keyboard right yeah right just the [TS]

00:08:51   just the outside elements and not the [TS]

00:08:54   guitar not the guitar oh my god that was [TS]

00:08:57   science so pretentious is so funny [TS]

00:09:00   because with the guitars are our face [TS]

00:09:03   searing and it's one of the most I mean [TS]

00:09:05   car parts is is in its wake a mid-tempo [TS]

00:09:07   manicure kind of song beautiful my [TS]

00:09:10   favorite one song but medicine at pirate [TS]

00:09:12   is much more like this role in some ways [TS]

00:09:15   anything [TS]

00:09:15   well and medicine counterpart is how it [TS]

00:09:17   says is close to sounding like the music [TS]

00:09:20   i made before the long winters as [TS]

00:09:22   anything on on those records but anyway [TS]

00:09:27   so I've been thinking you know so the [TS]

00:09:28   last couple of years i have not been [TS]

00:09:30   recording new music for public [TS]

00:09:32   consumption but i have been working on [TS]

00:09:34   music at home making tons and tons of [TS]

00:09:37   music actually and it all is [TS]

00:09:39   characterized by this breeders like [TS]

00:09:43   distortion wash it's not something we [TS]

00:09:47   describe some stuff using and selling [TS]

00:09:48   NBD a little bit my bloody valentine [TS]

00:09:51   hugely influential it not not not [TS]

00:09:54   directly but like spiritually like that [TS]

00:09:56   that feeling you have when you put on [TS]

00:09:58   the headphones for potentially driving [TS]

00:10:02   in fog late at night when everybody else [TS]

00:10:05   in the cars asleep and you have been [TS]

00:10:08   eating mushrooms all day that feeling [TS]

00:10:10   that you are falling into the sky is [TS]

00:10:16   something that I'm always trying to [TS]

00:10:17   capture and that's anyway that's what [TS]

00:10:18   i've been making and so listening to the [TS]

00:10:20   breeders and going to that show for [TS]

00:10:22   years I was just like I don't want to be [TS]

00:10:24   influenced by the Breeders that's not [TS]

00:10:26   the story that i want you know the story [TS]

00:10:29   that i want to be telling is that I'm [TS]

00:10:31   influenced by Judas Priest but in fact [TS]

00:10:34   i'm more influenced by the Breeders than [TS]

00:10:37   then I then I've never been comfortable [TS]

00:10:39   admitting until now [TS]

00:10:41   and it's been it's because of that like [TS]

00:10:43   because she's singing so down she solo [TS]

00:10:46   her you know her energy is just solo [TS]

00:10:50   vibe and cool and the music is just [TS]

00:10:52   washing over you and it's like yeah [TS]

00:10:54   that's kind of what I'm into [TS]

00:10:56   no you know it's it's great it's great [TS]

00:11:00   it's like Jeff Buckley it's great music [TS]

00:11:02   to have sex two girls that have tribal [TS]

00:11:04   tattoos especially she's dead [TS]

00:11:06   oh I'm not a bad way alright okay good [TS]

00:11:10   dead in a good way but yeah I'm trying [TS]

00:11:12   to steal this makes me sad because I [TS]

00:11:13   mean that the point the Breeders thing [TS]

00:11:15   is is a is getting your dander up a [TS]

00:11:17   little bit but says you're getting [TS]

00:11:19   closer to well yeah because a lot of [TS]

00:11:21   thing you'd like to do you know you know [TS]

00:11:23   what it's like to be 25 Merlin you've [TS]

00:11:27   been 25 [TS]

00:11:28   yeah and when I was 12 * if I for about [TS]

00:11:31   20 years when I was 20 I was 25 for [TS]

00:11:34   about 11 minutes but when i was twenty [TS]

00:11:37   five or six that I really felt already [TS]

00:11:42   had 24 21 23 years old I already felt [TS]

00:11:48   like I was too old for punk music that [TS]

00:11:53   was for kids [TS]

00:11:54   I felt like I was too old for pop music [TS]

00:11:59   in a way like contemporary music was it [TS]

00:12:02   was already so dumb by 1991 that I was [TS]

00:12:07   like I i made the mistake of thinking I [TS]

00:12:10   was too sophisticated to be the age that [TS]

00:12:13   I was in the time that I was and it was [TS]

00:12:16   only later that I reflected back and you [TS]

00:12:18   know because i never saw Nirvana Nirvana [TS]

00:12:20   was playing shows all around me and I [TS]

00:12:23   was like nirvana is a bunch of kids [TS]

00:12:25   music bunch of dumb you know some [TS]

00:12:27   druggies and it was only later that that [TS]

00:12:32   I that I allowed myself to be a fan of [TS]

00:12:35   Nirvana after you know he didn't really [TS]

00:12:37   after and after he got two days before [TS]

00:12:40   Kurt Cobain kill himself if you had [TS]

00:12:42   asked me if I like Nirvana i would have [TS]

00:12:43   said man [TS]

00:12:44   yeah i guess if you like that simple [TS]

00:12:49   kids music and two weeks after Kurt [TS]

00:12:52   Cobain died I thought that the bed the [TS]

00:12:54   world had ended so the breakers are [TS]

00:12:57   diabetic I this is the problem with the [TS]

00:12:59   breakers for me to at the time I was [TS]

00:13:01   like I i will always have a soft spot [TS]

00:13:05   for smells like teen spirit but the [TS]

00:13:07   computer is a much better record really [TS]

00:13:10   i bet it's a insecticide is the one for [TS]

00:13:12   me and left me with that and says decide [TS]

00:13:15   is the B is that like singles b-sides I [TS]

00:13:19   think the age is showing on never mind a [TS]

00:13:22   little bit and production wise but it is [TS]

00:13:25   incensed decide was the stuff that it [TS]

00:13:26   was released after nevermind but it was [TS]

00:13:29   all recorded before [TS]

00:13:30   ok and in some cases recorded even [TS]

00:13:33   before the more beachy it's it's super [TS]

00:13:37   bleachy but even some of its even pre [TS]

00:13:38   bleach and and so what it is it's like I [TS]

00:13:42   could you remember that late eighties [TS]

00:13:44   obviously does he remember but the [TS]

00:13:46   ladies up here there was not a [TS]

00:13:50   tremendous distinction between hippie [TS]

00:13:52   psychedelic a metal and punk was also [TS]

00:13:57   what's frustrating about the fucking [TS]

00:13:58   grunge thing is like I mean had how do [TS]

00:14:01   you take a combination of the raincoats [TS]

00:14:03   influence and the Black Sabbath [TS]

00:14:05   influence and kind of act like that's [TS]

00:14:07   the same thing right and there's some of [TS]

00:14:09   the some of the stuff on incest aside is [TS]

00:14:11   nirvana like tripping out kinda like [TS]

00:14:15   true trippy trip trip is I mean it's [TS]

00:14:18   still all Paul Nirvana it's grungy but [TS]

00:14:22   it's like they're they haven't been [TS]

00:14:25   quite figured out short fast or even [TS]

00:14:28   loud soft it's just like where I walk [TS]

00:14:31   and it's I don't know this is a hard [TS]

00:14:33   girl as a stoner it is a lot of it [TS]

00:14:36   before Dave Grohl so yeah so it's a [TS]

00:14:39   little so it's a little less like a [TS]

00:14:41   packer to contain and I'm much more like [TS]

00:14:43   wow I i was like no they would like to [TS]

00:14:48   publicly analyze you [TS]

00:14:49   oh yes only take a minute um I know too [TS]

00:14:52   much should i also should i say ah well [TS]

00:14:54   be nice if you can maybe just reclined a [TS]

00:14:57   little bit okay ready [TS]

00:15:00   ok let's make you feel it's interesting [TS]

00:15:04   to me based on many many many hundreds [TS]

00:15:07   of conversations we've had that we I [TS]

00:15:09   think we both have a background in a [TS]

00:15:12   certain kind of really visceral like [TS]

00:15:15   crunchy music you know playing the [TS]

00:15:17   tennis racket kind of music I mean the [TS]

00:15:19   stuff that I mean I I know for myself [TS]

00:15:21   and i think based on what you said I [TS]

00:15:23   mean the thing that got you excited [TS]

00:15:24   about making the leap from being a music [TS]

00:15:26   consumer to be a music producer was [TS]

00:15:28   partly that something welling up inside [TS]

00:15:31   of you started with this appreciation [TS]

00:15:33   for these awarding and visceral like [TS]

00:15:35   very like physical like you could feel [TS]

00:15:37   it down down down down down or you know [TS]

00:15:40   or you know whatever you know that kind [TS]

00:15:44   of stuff that the first time that you [TS]

00:15:46   students and saw away at a guitar until [TS]

00:15:50   you have forgotten everything when you [TS]

00:15:52   just there's you know eyes closed sweat [TS]

00:15:55   pouring down just and you're just [TS]

00:15:57   hammering on this guitar i think i could [TS]

00:15:59   play sweet leaf at rehearsal for hours [TS]

00:16:02   it's just so fun that little like done [TS]

00:16:05   and it's just so fun to play and a [TS]

00:16:07   feeling you get here the analysis is [TS]

00:16:09   that you're a thinker you think a lot [TS]

00:16:11   and it's the interesting thing to me is [TS]

00:16:13   that you seem to be a war with yourself [TS]

00:16:14   about this one side of you that [TS]

00:16:16   absolutely knows what you like [TS]

00:16:18   like you're not even likewhat influence [TS]

00:16:19   you want to point it seemed like you you [TS]

00:16:21   have a pretty good feeling for like [TS]

00:16:22   whether it's something that's like in [TS]

00:16:24   your pantheon or something you can take [TS]

00:16:26   your leave or something that should be [TS]

00:16:27   you know killed with fire but you think [TS]

00:16:30   a lot and I think that's very [TS]

00:16:31   interesting and I would have things that [TS]

00:16:33   they can get in the way of which would [TS]

00:16:34   you like to make yes it does it does and [TS]

00:16:38   and I've been I've been reflecting ever [TS]

00:16:40   since design about that I've been [TS]

00:16:42   thinking about it a lot ever ever said [TS]

00:16:44   so-so were coming up [TS]

00:16:46   well actually no we're over it it's been [TS]

00:16:49   a month now that i have adopted this new [TS]

00:16:52   way of eating no sugar and it's it's [TS]

00:16:56   it's extraordinary say it's still you [TS]

00:16:58   still feel a difference [TS]

00:17:00   absolutely i mean I because because in [TS]

00:17:02   the course of the month now I've had a [TS]

00:17:04   couple of opportunities to like okay I'm [TS]

00:17:06   not you know I'm not living in a [TS]

00:17:08   dictatorship here i'm gonna have a piece [TS]

00:17:10   of pie on Saturday because what the hell [TS]

00:17:13   and I had I've been good [TS]

00:17:16   well and it was it was much more like [TS]

00:17:18   I'm in this for the long haul [TS]

00:17:20   it's not like I'm never gonna have a [TS]

00:17:22   piece of pie again I have to figure out [TS]

00:17:23   how to have one and then go back to [TS]

00:17:25   eating right but that's the that's the [TS]

00:17:28   problem [TS]

00:17:28   it is the problem you know like if I [TS]

00:17:30   friend from like an unopened bottle of [TS]

00:17:32   bourbon sure or or like if I could have [TS]

00:17:36   a cigarette and then on Monday go back [TS]

00:17:38   to not having cigarettes it would be a [TS]

00:17:40   problem i would still be having [TS]

00:17:42   cigarettes sometimes but you know I i [TS]

00:17:45   was i I am NOT able to do that i [TS]

00:17:48   interrupting a month one month [TS]

00:17:49   well so so I I so I've had the occasion [TS]

00:17:52   to have a slice of pie and not only did [TS]

00:17:55   i did i like a leap off into this sugar [TS]

00:18:00   like super buzzed but my nose started [TS]

00:18:04   running my sinuses got climb you want [TS]

00:18:08   with it whether that within 45 minutes [TS]

00:18:10   whoa and I have stealing and I'm like [TS]

00:18:14   and then and then I'm plummeting off the [TS]

00:18:18   off the edge and then it's three o'clock [TS]

00:18:20   in the morning and i'm wide awake [TS]

00:18:21   drumming my fingers on the bed and I'm [TS]

00:18:23   like whoa that was close one piece of [TS]

00:18:26   pie and admittedly three chocolate chip [TS]

00:18:28   cookies and Palmer but what zoom and [TS]

00:18:34   then and then just it wasn't just like [TS]

00:18:37   buzz and crash it was just it was back [TS]

00:18:40   to bonkers but anyway so here I am a [TS]

00:18:44   month into this my energy is is for the [TS]

00:18:47   most part like stabilized and calm and [TS]

00:18:51   I'm really able to recognize I look [TS]

00:18:54   around my life and I recognize i am [TS]

00:18:56   presently at 44 years old almost 45 [TS]

00:19:00   presently in some indefinable feud with [TS]

00:19:04   24 people 24 people like a name and now [TS]

00:19:08   that you have the clarity of mind you [TS]

00:19:10   could actually write them all down and [TS]

00:19:12   keep them straight organized [TS]

00:19:13   yeah that's right then I'm not talking [TS]

00:19:14   about all the people that you know there [TS]

00:19:16   is not a my bloody valentine fog of [TS]

00:19:19   embassies you've got a clear idea of [TS]

00:19:21   exactly who you're not square with right [TS]

00:19:23   absolutely there there are people on the [TS]

00:19:25   list that I'm not [TS]

00:19:26   look into in five years there are people [TS]

00:19:27   on the list I haven't spoken to six [TS]

00:19:29   months there are people on the list that [TS]

00:19:30   are just recently added to the list [TS]

00:19:33   there are people that have been on the [TS]

00:19:34   list for 18 years but I could I can tell [TS]

00:19:38   you you know like and those are those [TS]

00:19:40   are not the people that I see around [TS]

00:19:42   town that I'm like that I hate that guy [TS]

00:19:44   I don't even know his name I just don't [TS]

00:19:46   like him updates for 24 people i can [TS]

00:19:47   name and I'm realizing like him like him [TS]

00:19:51   I think myself into I on a daily basis I [TS]

00:19:57   think myself into Buchenwald like I am [TS]

00:20:02   in time in 24 different Buchenwald of [TS]

00:20:06   the minds need for other parts that [TS]

00:20:09   don't know I and i have to say like it [TS]

00:20:13   now I've got a little bit of clarity [TS]

00:20:14   I've got a little bit of calm and I'm [TS]

00:20:16   realizing oh my god i'm just at the [TS]

00:20:18   beginning of trying to get my life back [TS]

00:20:22   I don't even know how I don't even know [TS]

00:20:24   how to go around [TS]

00:20:26   I you know I i bet at least 20 of those [TS]

00:20:30   people I can't possibly apologize to [TS]

00:20:32   because i don't remember what the [TS]

00:20:33   problem was and so so that's just it's [TS]

00:20:39   really challenging like a you know like [TS]

00:20:40   I feel like calling people up and say [TS]

00:20:42   hey there sorry about that you know and [TS]

00:20:44   and this is the thing people are never [TS]

00:20:46   thinking about you as much as you are [TS]

00:20:48   you as much as you think they're [TS]

00:20:49   thinking about you so probably 15 of [TS]

00:20:52   those people be like what [TS]

00:20:53   Oh are we having a fight and have to [TS]

00:20:56   remember who you are in your fucking [TS]

00:20:58   yeah I just thought you stopped calling [TS]

00:21:00   me because we didn't get along or [TS]

00:21:02   because you you know because you were [TS]

00:21:03   bored of me or something you know and [TS]

00:21:05   and i'm sitting over here like no I'm [TS]

00:21:07   not bored of you i'm still super pissed [TS]

00:21:09   at you about something so anyway like [TS]

00:21:12   this thinking oh my god thinking is such [TS]

00:21:16   a albatross it is it i feel like if I [TS]

00:21:20   feel like thinking past a certain point [TS]

00:21:21   is a disability like a Jedi like a [TS]

00:21:24   genuine disability and where's my god IM [TS]

00:21:26   parade yeah well let's say it's a [TS]

00:21:27   handicap is where's where it's a [TS]

00:21:30   handicap it's it's a handy capable like [TS]

00:21:32   charlie brown cloud yeah yeah I I mean [TS]

00:21:35   it's been cloudy [TS]

00:21:36   well I mean just to put a little bit of [TS]

00:21:38   syrup on this Bank [TS]

00:21:39   I guess I always thought that as I got [TS]

00:21:41   older people would make more sense to me [TS]

00:21:43   and I'm embarrassed to say this because [TS]

00:21:46   I'm certain it has either everything to [TS]

00:21:49   do with what I didn't understand my [TS]

00:21:50   entire life for everything to do with [TS]

00:21:52   the fact that I'm a sociopath but like [TS]

00:21:54   people make less sense to me [TS]

00:21:56   just about every week or so I honestly [TS]

00:21:58   feel like on the one hand i'm incredibly [TS]

00:22:00   I'm growing like really soft inside and [TS]

00:22:03   sympathetic to how fucked up everybody [TS]

00:22:05   can be either not know or not have [TS]

00:22:08   access to changing it but i also just [TS]

00:22:10   don't understand why people do what they [TS]

00:22:11   do it's just it's so perplexing to me [TS]

00:22:14   and you know sometimes the more i feel [TS]

00:22:15   that the less i talk about it but I [TS]

00:22:17   there's so much stuff that almost [TS]

00:22:18   everybody I I know guys that I just [TS]

00:22:20   frankly do not understand and i keep it [TS]

00:22:23   to myself because I don't argue about it [TS]

00:22:25   that's part of my affliction like I I [TS]

00:22:27   honestly I honestly thought that as i [TS]

00:22:28   get older i become more sage and more [TS]

00:22:30   wise and be able to have you know a [TS]

00:22:33   certain amount of remove from these [TS]

00:22:34   things could be going oh well obviously [TS]

00:22:37   you know I've worked with people enough [TS]

00:22:39   now that everything that makes sense and [TS]

00:22:41   so now I know how to manipulate people [TS]

00:22:43   because I'm really good at that and and [TS]

00:22:44   i I just I feel like I'm around aliens [TS]

00:22:47   more and more [TS]

00:22:48   yeah and I mean I don't know if you get [TS]

00:22:49   that but I mean that's a clarity thing [TS]

00:22:50   for me I i think in in fact i was in a [TS]

00:22:52   fog for a different kind of fog maybe [TS]

00:22:55   not sugar fog but for a long time was [TS]

00:22:57   thinking that I understood what the fuck [TS]

00:22:58   was going on and and now i know that i [TS]

00:23:00   don't and i know that i am I reflection [TS]

00:23:02   my handicap my handi-capable as I [TS]

00:23:03   honestly don't understand about 80% of [TS]

00:23:06   what everybody does people who are [TS]

00:23:07   exactly like the idea understand what [TS]

00:23:08   they do neither and and I mean I love [TS]

00:23:14   Demetrius is this another is related [TS]

00:23:16   because i think this bumbershoot there [TS]

00:23:18   the bumbershoot is a time one [TS]

00:23:20   people come from all around lots of [TS]

00:23:23   people people I've known for years [TS]

00:23:25   people that I have known professionally [TS]

00:23:28   old friends new friends [TS]

00:23:31   it's a big gathering of people and I'm [TS]

00:23:33   there with with all the people and [TS]

00:23:35   socializing and and fun and times and if [TS]

00:23:42   there was one problem which was that I [TS]

00:23:44   was headed backstage to the big [TS]

00:23:47   backstage party show [TS]

00:23:50   and this is you know a big festival so [TS]

00:23:54   they hire they hire a lot of convicts [TS]

00:23:57   they hire a lot of people who who ate a [TS]

00:24:02   lot of lead paint chips when they were [TS]

00:24:03   kids [TS]

00:24:04   apparently the ultimate lined the [TS]

00:24:06   aldehyde group of people that live [TS]

00:24:09   downwind from the smelter and those [TS]

00:24:13   people are charged so so there are [TS]

00:24:16   people who are the least informed the [TS]

00:24:18   least capable up people they don't hire [TS]

00:24:21   them to personally major status they [TS]

00:24:23   hire them to make a zero or one decision [TS]

00:24:24   that's probably a zero that's right [TS]

00:24:26   they're given that they are given a [TS]

00:24:28   mandate which is which is which is [TS]

00:24:31   basically like a bit in the movie Tron [TS]

00:24:35   like are you on or off [TS]

00:24:38   yes yes no yes no and so I'm in this [TS]

00:24:42   large group of people and includes some [TS]

00:24:43   very famous rock stars [TS]

00:24:46   we're all moving along toward a doorway [TS]

00:24:50   that is the doorway between the dummies [TS]

00:24:54   the 50,000 dummies who are out looking [TS]

00:24:58   or dipping corn dogs in powdered sugar [TS]

00:25:02   or whatever it is that people hear [TS]

00:25:03   things like this and then on the other [TS]

00:25:05   side of this door it is this rarefied [TS]

00:25:08   backstage world where you just you look [TS]

00:25:11   around it's like everybody back here is [TS]

00:25:13   wearing a gold cape and everybody back [TS]

00:25:17   here has an MTV Music Video Award and [TS]

00:25:20   we're just going to sit back here and [TS]

00:25:22   put our pinky fingers up each other's [TS]

00:25:23   bucks and this is why we do it just like [TS]

00:25:28   fish bag valve all it is we're just [TS]

00:25:30   going to sit back here and people are [TS]

00:25:32   going to tell you that they love your [TS]

00:25:33   album but they've never listened to [TS]

00:25:35   before and people are going to introduce [TS]

00:25:37   you two pretty girls that don't have any [TS]

00:25:39   reason to be back there but they're [TS]

00:25:40   pretty let's get the whole it's the [TS]

00:25:42   whole thing and this this dummy this guy [TS]

00:25:45   this guy who you know who is still at 55 [TS]

00:25:50   years old studying for his GED is [TS]

00:25:53   looking at everybody's pass and earlier [TS]

00:25:56   in the day [TS]

00:25:57   I in my pursuit of special privilege [TS]

00:26:01   head had jumped over a barrier because I [TS]

00:26:07   did not want to wait for another one of [TS]

00:26:10   these guys another one of these Dwayne [TS]

00:26:13   the rock Johnson's to take the time to [TS]

00:26:17   look through my bag or whatever and so I [TS]

00:26:19   like i skirted this guy and I did not [TS]

00:26:23   get a little red stamp on my all-access [TS]

00:26:28   pass well there's another level above [TS]

00:26:31   all access oh this is the thing there's [TS]

00:26:35   all access it mostly when accidents all [TS]

00:26:37   all access with a little red stamp on it [TS]

00:26:39   then there's all access with a little [TS]

00:26:40   red stamp and a gold star on the back [TS]

00:26:42   and then there's all access with a red [TS]

00:26:44   stamp and two gold stars aren't you are [TS]

00:26:47   literally making this up [TS]

00:26:48   not at all and then there's one there's [TS]

00:26:50   all access with a red stamp three gold [TS]

00:26:52   stars on the back and one black line [TS]

00:26:56   across the left bottom corner and I [TS]

00:26:59   don't have the red stamp and so 20 [TS]

00:27:03   people are formed who are going through [TS]

00:27:04   this door and this little Nimrod uh who [TS]

00:27:10   basically is is one of the he's [TS]

00:27:13   basically one of the puppets in a in [TS]

00:27:16   Blade Runner the one with the little [TS]

00:27:19   captain's hat on the long nose again [TS]

00:27:21   home again jiggity he says well oh hey [TS]

00:27:24   buddy you don't have the red stamp and [TS]

00:27:27   I'm like listen doesn't matter i'm going [TS]

00:27:30   through this door and he's like I have [TS]

00:27:33   been charged with one task in my entire [TS]

00:27:35   life my wife does not respect me my [TS]

00:27:37   children don't love me [TS]

00:27:38   my parents are dead i will you shall not [TS]

00:27:42   pass and I'm standing there and and you [TS]

00:27:47   know and this is the thing about walking [TS]

00:27:48   away that nobody's gonna help you out [TS]

00:27:50   this year [TS]

00:27:50   rock rock musicians right yeah it is [TS]

00:27:53   just like they turn around and if they [TS]

00:27:55   had looked back and I and somebody had [TS]

00:27:57   doused me with oil that was literally [TS]

00:28:00   building a ghetto brick wall or holding [TS]

00:28:03   a highway flare in their hands [TS]

00:28:05   I never liked will one man vouched for [TS]

00:28:07   this person they would be like steel [TS]

00:28:09   anybody and and I would be immolated so [TS]

00:28:13   I'm sitting there and I'm like I know [TS]

00:28:15   not to appeal to the to the to the kids [TS]

00:28:18   for flowing through the door because [TS]

00:28:20   like it's already on cool don't make it [TS]

00:28:23   more uncool by calling attention to [TS]

00:28:24   yourself [TS]

00:28:25   so now I thought that reads as list at [TS]

00:28:27   us yeah you don't want to sit there be [TS]

00:28:29   like hey you guys would you call the [TS]

00:28:30   Tudor manager you know like the doors [TS]

00:28:32   already shutting so now I'm standing [TS]

00:28:34   here talking to this kind of like listen [TS]

00:28:36   I know that you have this one thing [TS]

00:28:38   they're supposed to do they have to in [TS]

00:28:40   this moment just think for yourself and [TS]

00:28:45   realize that I am NOT i'm standing here [TS]

00:28:47   with an all-access pass and I did not [TS]

00:28:51   get the stamp for whatever reason but [TS]

00:28:55   you should know by my main by my manner [TS]

00:29:00   by the energy that i have the energy of [TS]

00:29:03   a star that you need to let me through [TS]

00:29:06   this door right now otherwise it's going [TS]

00:29:11   to get terrible here [TS]

00:29:12   the atmosphere in your little corner of [TS]

00:29:14   this stadium is going to get really bad [TS]

00:29:17   for a little bit and she says you got to [TS]

00:29:23   have the red stand how the atmosphere go [TS]

00:29:28   the atmosphere got really bad right [TS]

00:29:31   there and know what was your he kept he [TS]

00:29:35   kept you know he kept like explaining [TS]

00:29:37   about how he had been told about the red [TS]

00:29:39   stamp at one point I put my finger to [TS]

00:29:41   his lips and I said that's enough [TS]

00:29:43   Oh shine like I was it got bad there [TS]

00:29:47   because I understand that he'd been told [TS]

00:29:50   you get real focused in a moment like [TS]

00:29:52   that I understand what he had been told [TS]

00:29:54   and I said that to him I understand what [TS]

00:29:57   you've been told but this is a moment [TS]

00:30:00   this is the moment where like if your [TS]

00:30:02   life can change if you do not recognize [TS]

00:30:05   the King when he is wearing street [TS]

00:30:07   clothes like there is no forgiveness [TS]

00:30:10   later [TS]

00:30:12   and so that's set off a chain of events [TS]

00:30:15   where I was can I'll i needed to [TS]

00:30:18   confront I was this was the universe at [TS]

00:30:21   this point it's not really so much about [TS]

00:30:22   getting in the door anymore now that's a [TS]

00:30:24   different level right now what I don't [TS]

00:30:25   want to see this fucking show anymore [TS]

00:30:26   accelerator a turbo at this point i do [TS]

00:30:29   not want to stand next to Bob Mould and [TS]

00:30:31   talk about the news of the day and talk [TS]

00:30:33   about bear week at provincetown I am I [TS]

00:30:36   on clearly different level now I'm [TS]

00:30:39   flying I'm flying I'm sr-71 now looking [TS]

00:30:42   down and in a way my the worm turn like [TS]

00:30:47   my incredible day went to blackness [TS]

00:30:50   because of nobody's fault like this this [TS]

00:30:53   guys doing whatever doing his job [TS]

00:30:56   just just escorting people into the [TS]

00:30:58   ovens and I didn't get the stamp because [TS]

00:31:02   of some hubris on my part earlier in the [TS]

00:31:05   day like this is the this is the gods on [TS]

00:31:09   Mount Olympus saying let us let us let [TS]

00:31:15   us guide the path of this arrow right [TS]

00:31:18   into the heel of Achilles and I'm and [TS]

00:31:23   I'm standing there just just bathed in [TS]

00:31:26   my fury at after all these years not [TS]

00:31:30   having the right [TS]

00:31:33   laminate and and I'm just like what what [TS]

00:31:39   what is next what is next for me I [TS]

00:31:42   cannot be more wrong here [TS]

00:31:46   you know I can my anger I mean did you [TS]

00:31:49   realize that at some point during the [TS]

00:31:51   evening [TS]

00:31:52   yeah Wow like monospaced that's pretty [TS]

00:31:55   fast my anger here is the wrong anger [TS]

00:31:58   directed at all the wrong things but it [TS]

00:32:02   is so real so profound my feeling that [TS]

00:32:06   there should be he that there are [TS]

00:32:09   Sneetches with stars on their bellies [TS]

00:32:11   there are Sneetches with no stars on [TS]

00:32:13   their bellies and then there is me the [TS]

00:32:16   Lorax [TS]

00:32:18   you speak for the butter I speak for all [TS]

00:32:20   the motherfuckers and that is wrong [TS]

00:32:23   that's incorrect that is not a correct [TS]

00:32:25   assessment of the situation and and [TS]

00:32:28   there are there are so many ways to [TS]

00:32:30   handle these you know like to navigate [TS]

00:32:33   the world where you do not you know [TS]

00:32:36   where where where you just you just wait [TS]

00:32:38   in line long enough and you can you [TS]

00:32:40   realize when you get there like oh [TS]

00:32:41   there's a red stamp that I'm gonna need [TS]

00:32:42   later or whatever or the guy says the [TS]

00:32:45   guy says I'm not allowed to let you [TS]

00:32:47   through the door and you go okay i'm [TS]

00:32:51   going home or or or I don't know what [TS]

00:32:53   you do or I honestly this is the problem [TS]

00:32:56   i honestly don't know what you do [TS]

00:32:57   because all I know how to do in that [TS]

00:33:00   moment is to be sting or stewart [TS]

00:33:03   copeland worse you know like the guy [TS]

00:33:05   who's just like throwing his drumsticks [TS]

00:33:07   at some shred Rukh who's employed by a [TS]

00:33:12   subsidiary of Halliburton so who [TS]

00:33:18   suffice to say no no Bob Mould well no I [TS]

00:33:23   eventually somebody but we cannot say [TS]

00:33:27   but eventually some other employee of [TS]

00:33:32   the super stadium [TS]

00:33:33   well I'm standing there I'm just [TS]

00:33:34   towering over this guy and I'm like [TS]

00:33:36   listen there's a lot of there's a lot of [TS]

00:33:38   there's a lot of bad things that are [TS]

00:33:40   going to happen to you on Christmas Eve [TS]

00:33:41   this year [TS]

00:33:44   this Christmas matter to you is [TS]

00:33:46   Christmas of thing in your house [TS]

00:33:48   mark mark this day wet because there are [TS]

00:33:51   there only a hundred fifteen more [TS]

00:33:55   anxiety days that you didn't storm [TS]

00:33:58   straight to a higher authority did you [TS]

00:34:00   plot phone and call people my phone was [TS]

00:34:03   dead but because it's okay i see this is [TS]

00:34:06   this this [TS]

00:34:06   no no fake because this guy the thing is [TS]

00:34:08   that a certain point these guys turned [TS]

00:34:09   to stone [TS]

00:34:10   there's nothing there is he does not [TS]

00:34:12   have the components hiring at Yale [TS]

00:34:14   obviously but but not only that but he [TS]

00:34:16   does not have the capacity to think on [TS]

00:34:18   his feet and once it gets hostile well [TS]

00:34:20   there's a classic thing and we're going [TS]

00:34:22   to companies that means an old thing [TS]

00:34:24   that people said for a long time but you [TS]

00:34:25   tell a lot about somebody in their [TS]

00:34:27   position [TS]

00:34:28   how much power they have because do they [TS]

00:34:30   do they have the power to say no or how [TS]

00:34:35   much power and about which things do [TS]

00:34:36   they have the power to say yes because [TS]

00:34:38   true power is the ability to say yes [TS]

00:34:40   it's not the power saying now I mean [TS]

00:34:42   having said that you know this guy's [TS]

00:34:43   whole job is about saying no the whole [TS]

00:34:45   reason he's hired it is like I say he's [TS]

00:34:47   not there like parts out whether you [TS]

00:34:48   should be you know behind the pipe and [TS]

00:34:50   drape he's there to basically be this [TS]

00:34:53   valve where nobody gets through except [TS]

00:34:55   for this extremely small number of [TS]

00:34:57   people in a single metric for his entire [TS]

00:34:58   job is whether he got every single one [TS]

00:35:01   of those right yeah basically he is a he [TS]

00:35:03   is a laser pointer made out of meat [TS]

00:35:05   yeah he does he's just it's just rare [TS]

00:35:08   honor off but you know in five minutes [TS]

00:35:12   later some uh some woman who also worked [TS]

00:35:15   for a subsidiary of Halliburton comes [TS]

00:35:17   through the door looks at me and goes oh [TS]

00:35:19   hi [TS]

00:35:21   I recognize you from earlier and I was [TS]

00:35:23   like is that so and she turns to the guy [TS]

00:35:26   and she's like oh I know this guy and [TS]

00:35:29   then I'm like I with one hand I am [TS]

00:35:33   giving this woman a sweet caress down [TS]

00:35:37   the down the side of her shoulder with [TS]

00:35:39   the other hand i'm giving the other guy [TS]

00:35:42   the double nickels on the dime like fuck [TS]

00:35:46   you [TS]

00:35:47   middle finger right in his little his [TS]

00:35:49   little long nose face and it was just [TS]

00:35:52   like it was just the sort it was sort of [TS]

00:35:54   a synchronized swimming move like [TS]

00:35:56   petting the one lady fucked off right in [TS]

00:35:58   the other guy's face and then i'm down [TS]

00:36:00   the stairs and Janice of a cost steel [TS]

00:36:02   later but so it is so it all ends up but [TS]

00:36:05   the problem is then I you know then the [TS]

00:36:07   rest of the night through my friends Big [TS]

00:36:09   Show and through all the socializing I [TS]

00:36:11   am chewing the data I'm crunching the [TS]

00:36:13   numbers in my head gets so easy it is so [TS]

00:36:15   difficult to shake that off its here and [TS]

00:36:18   I'm adrenaline adrenaline is so high but [TS]

00:36:20   the numbers I'm you know I'm reviewing [TS]

00:36:22   the math and the numbers are telling me [TS]

00:36:24   over and over [TS]

00:36:25   you are the problem here you are the [TS]

00:36:28   agent of you are the bad actor in this [TS]

00:36:32   scenario because you're basically just [TS]

00:36:34   yelling at trees like you are you are [TS]

00:36:39   yelling out the car window [TS]

00:36:41   uh draw all alone driving in the dark [TS]

00:36:44   and there's no and what do you what do [TS]

00:36:48   you hope to achieve like what what what [TS]

00:36:51   is wrong with you [TS]

00:36:52   ultimately so what you are interested in [TS]

00:36:56   retrospect what do you if you could camp [TS]

00:36:59   monday morning quarterback it if you [TS]

00:37:03   could tuesday evening quarterback it [TS]

00:37:04   what maybe not specifically where did [TS]

00:37:07   you go wrong like if you could redo some [TS]

00:37:09   of that knowing what you know what would [TS]

00:37:11   you have done differently like where [TS]

00:37:12   would it was the earliest thing you [TS]

00:37:14   would have changed if you get groundhog [TS]

00:37:15   day that you know the projo waiting in [TS]

00:37:18   line for your stamp know what am i some [TS]

00:37:22   fucking monkey sign so some dog waiting [TS]

00:37:26   for a snack but waiting for the chuck [TS]

00:37:30   wagon to come out from under the same [TS]

00:37:31   essential complicated first drive across [TS]

00:37:34   the kitchen floor in the cupboard know [TS]

00:37:36   what I want my little car you turn the [TS]

00:37:38   key and going to circle the fuck up [TS]

00:37:40   no the problem was that I somewhere [TS]

00:37:44   along the line here have lost confidence [TS]

00:37:46   in myself to the point that i was i was [TS]

00:37:51   sincerely concerned with being in this [TS]

00:37:57   group of of famous people being being [TS]

00:38:02   one of them being the social speaking of [TS]

00:38:07   being part of the social center of a [TS]

00:38:09   group of artists that I admired or that [TS]

00:38:14   I understood that I was meant to admire [TS]

00:38:16   and that this is where I meant to where [TS]

00:38:20   I think I should belong where I meant to [TS]

00:38:23   belong in this group and that has [TS]

00:38:28   nothing to do with me [TS]

00:38:29   I do not I do not care ultimately like [TS]

00:38:32   the the experience of being down in that [TS]

00:38:35   room in the sin the mutual admiration [TS]

00:38:37   society the experience of being [TS]

00:38:39   backstage is entirely a status and [TS]

00:38:46   belonging issue like I could have just [TS]

00:38:51   walked around the corner from where I [TS]

00:38:53   was standing [TS]

00:38:54   and have gone into the stadium and watch [TS]

00:38:57   the rock concert like the rock concert [TS]

00:38:59   was not I don't want to defend or try to [TS]

00:39:04   say anything but do you know what I [TS]

00:39:08   dunno about you is that well yeah I mean [TS]

00:39:09   but that socializing if you want to call [TS]

00:39:12   it that is kind of part of your work [TS]

00:39:14   that's what you doing the reason I [TS]

00:39:16   mention that is I've been to lots of [TS]

00:39:17   places with you where you know I people [TS]

00:39:20   open open their arms and their red red [TS]

00:39:23   the ropes to you it's very is it's it's [TS]

00:39:26   not unusual for you to be the guy who [TS]

00:39:28   goes backstage things because that's [TS]

00:39:29   just the thing that you do and you don't [TS]

00:39:30   go back to America douche but I mean I [TS]

00:39:32   get that's just the thing that happens [TS]

00:39:34   but that but that reaction that reaction [TS]

00:39:37   was a reaction the reaction i had was [TS]

00:39:40   coming from a place of entitlement [TS]

00:39:42   yeah just on the fun it's like it you [TS]

00:39:45   know it's it does it does but that's the [TS]

00:39:46   thing that but but that that that [TS]

00:39:49   automaton in a uniform was not the [TS]

00:39:52   problem i cannot be mad at the system [TS]

00:39:56   I can't be mad at the guy 15 guys up who [TS]

00:40:00   decided to hire a bunch of dummies to [TS]

00:40:02   work security because everybody's doing [TS]

00:40:04   their job like Who am I mad at it's like [TS]

00:40:06   being mad at the city it's like it's [TS]

00:40:08   like being a member of the tea party and [TS]

00:40:10   you're mad at the government like what [TS]

00:40:12   is the fucking government yelling it [TS]

00:40:13   rain [TS]

00:40:14   Yeah right there is no the government [TS]

00:40:16   there's nobody in charge [TS]

00:40:18   everybody's doing their everybody's just [TS]

00:40:20   doing their little corner of those of [TS]

00:40:22   their work and the guy the guy that's up [TS]

00:40:26   the chain far enough to make a decision [TS]

00:40:27   he doesn't care he doesn't care whether [TS]

00:40:30   I get it or not and I can't be mad at [TS]

00:40:31   him for it [TS]

00:40:32   he's got bigger fish to fry he's trying [TS]

00:40:34   to keep the power on in the building so [TS]

00:40:37   all of it was all of it was back to [TS]

00:40:40   entitlement now if I was if i had come [TS]

00:40:42   to that door with the like remembering [TS]

00:40:46   that I am just invited everywhere i'm [TS]

00:40:51   lucky to be anywhere we're all just [TS]

00:40:54   lucky to be anywhere and this guy's like [TS]

00:40:57   you don't have the red stamp what I [TS]

00:40:59   should have said was already get the red [TS]

00:41:01   stamp and he'd say oh you get you had to [TS]

00:41:05   get it on the you have to get it on the [TS]

00:41:07   moon [TS]

00:41:07   it's like oh well can you get on your [TS]

00:41:09   walkie-talkie and ask like when the next [TS]

00:41:12   ship to the moon is and he probably [TS]

00:41:15   would have got on his walkie-talkie in [TS]

00:41:16   said something and somebody would have [TS]

00:41:18   been there with a red stampin in a [TS]

00:41:20   minute and a half but but that's not the [TS]

00:41:25   direction I went because that would that [TS]

00:41:27   would have been inconceivable to me in [TS]

00:41:28   fact it only occurs to me now that [TS]

00:41:30   that's what I should have done [TS]

00:41:31   oh yeah oh we need red stamp oh how do I [TS]

00:41:34   do that how do i fill this out how do i [TS]

00:41:37   do the dance right uh but but my sense [TS]

00:41:42   of entitlement is so strong and at the [TS]

00:41:45   end at this point in my life belonging [TS]

00:41:47   to that group matters so much to me [TS]

00:41:49   because i'm not making new music and I'm [TS]

00:41:52   insecure about myself so all of a sudden [TS]

00:41:56   you know as Bob Mould walks down the [TS]

00:41:58   hall and and looks back over his [TS]

00:42:00   shoulder and goes who's that guy can and [TS]

00:42:03   the door shuts and I'm arguing I'm [TS]

00:42:06   arguing with the chest piece over [TS]

00:42:08   whether or not i have a script for an [TS]

00:42:11   infection in wreck when you put it in [TS]

00:42:14   those terms it is pretty brutal you know [TS]

00:42:16   what I mean like and she's like he's a [TS]

00:42:18   little clay figurine that somebody made [TS]

00:42:20   to put into the grave with the with that [TS]

00:42:24   the Chinese horse general that he did [TS]

00:42:26   his job but he did his job and when he [TS]

00:42:29   went home and the problem is i made him [TS]

00:42:31   feel like shit I don't berlin i don't [TS]

00:42:33   know if you can convey to our audience [TS]

00:42:34   what it is like to be in a small room [TS]

00:42:36   with me when I am what I am [TS]

00:42:39   like it's so fun to be in any room with [TS]

00:42:41   you like really honestly almost all the [TS]

00:42:44   time except sometimes yeah i mean things [TS]

00:42:48   happen and and then it's not Christmas [TS]

00:42:51   anymore [TS]

00:42:52   no the vibration comes off of me and it [TS]

00:42:54   is it you feel it in your just another [TS]

00:42:57   cold cold day in this second and say she [TS]

00:43:01   died it's you know he went home here you [TS]

00:43:03   get very young to use an overused word [TS]

00:43:06   you get intense i get intense [TS]

00:43:09   yes I mean it isn't fair to say yeah and [TS]

00:43:11   so this guy at the end of watch was not [TS]

00:43:13   mean he goes home he opens a keystone [TS]

00:43:16   light he turns on Madagascar 2 [TS]

00:43:19   because it's his favorite movie he loves [TS]

00:43:23   alex any sitting watching the mid-water [TS]

00:43:25   watching madagascar but still in some [TS]

00:43:29   part of himself is still sad or mad or [TS]

00:43:33   or like it didn't go well he was doing [TS]

00:43:37   his job and he feels like satisfied but [TS]

00:43:40   he also is like I did I diminished him [TS]

00:43:43   and that and why is that it was not for [TS]

00:43:46   my I didn't do it i don't i don't feel [TS]

00:43:48   better for having done it I did it [TS]

00:43:50   because I was in this ego posture of of [TS]

00:43:54   of of like what what what you know you [TS]

00:43:59   know what I mean and it's just like I I [TS]

00:44:01   totally did and III mean three seconds [TS]

00:44:04   away from saying do you know who i am [TS]

00:44:05   i'm saying is that is google me it's in [TS]

00:44:08   the state and its it's one of my deep [TS]

00:44:12   deep shame spots is when i do that and I [TS]

00:44:15   don't know quite what it is I'm what [TS]

00:44:18   again i want to say the part of it is [TS]

00:44:20   getting older it's becoming more [TS]

00:44:21   difficult for me to write off the things [TS]

00:44:24   like what you're describing as somebody [TS]

00:44:27   else's fault or it's getting harder for [TS]

00:44:29   me to find a good reason for why behave [TS]

00:44:30   badly when there's this feeling inside [TS]

00:44:33   of me there's telling me intensely over [TS]

00:44:36   and over again perhaps over a period of [TS]

00:44:37   days you know you really fucked that up [TS]

00:44:39   yeah and it's it's it's it's becoming [TS]

00:44:42   harder for me to just let that off and [TS]

00:44:43   BB a funny guy about it and I realize [TS]

00:44:45   how harmful that can be and and and then [TS]

00:44:48   I to be honest I realize how much I [TS]

00:44:51   don't know if this is useful at all but [TS]

00:44:53   I realize how toxic to my system it is [TS]

00:44:58   to put the amount of energy needed into [TS]

00:45:02   thinking about that in a way where it's [TS]

00:45:03   not my fault [TS]

00:45:04   it takes a tremendous amount of effort [TS]

00:45:06   and energy to hold that misconception in [TS]

00:45:09   a way that i can live with [TS]

00:45:10   uh-huh because I know I mean I'm not [TS]

00:45:12   that stupid i can look at the facts i [TS]

00:45:14   can do the playback i can remember [TS]

00:45:16   specific things i said i can remember [TS]

00:45:18   like looking like some kind of [TS]

00:45:21   supporting cast member in like a mafia [TS]

00:45:23   movie even thinking that look cool and [TS]

00:45:26   going that is that who you want to be [TS]

00:45:28   like is that there's like five things [TS]

00:45:31   about what I did there [TS]

00:45:32   and this is not your parlance but mine [TS]

00:45:35   it starts in that situation you describe [TS]

00:45:38   the fire with if that were me in your [TS]

00:45:39   position and very much could be it would [TS]

00:45:41   be because my emotions went somewhere I [TS]

00:45:45   didn't realize it [TS]

00:45:47   I didn't catch it and the more my [TS]

00:45:50   emotions got velcro into that situation [TS]

00:45:54   the less chance I had of coming out of [TS]

00:45:57   it looking like anything but like a [TS]

00:45:59   complete dick because i was being a [TS]

00:46:01   complete dick and to me that emotion [TS]

00:46:02   thing is huge because like you just [TS]

00:46:04   described now with now with however me [TS]

00:46:05   for three four five seven days away from [TS]

00:46:07   that you go oh we know what if I'd ask [TS]

00:46:09   that guy you know the thing is it [TS]

00:46:11   something oldest car in the world is [TS]

00:46:12   that something is a favor if you that [TS]

00:46:14   guy is in a position to get Milwaukee [TS]

00:46:15   and and talk to moonbase alpha and find [TS]

00:46:18   out if there's some way for you to get [TS]

00:46:19   the stamp [TS]

00:46:20   that's right and then you know he could [TS]

00:46:21   he's probably empowered to do you a [TS]

00:46:23   quiet favor that doesn't break the rule [TS]

00:46:26   but he's he's absolutely not empowered [TS]

00:46:28   because you know how it is like he just [TS]

00:46:29   you just escalated with him [TS]

00:46:31   the one thing that he is uniquely [TS]

00:46:33   trained to deal with having been [TS]

00:46:35   escalated [TS]

00:46:35   yeah I turned to my car hit the [TS]

00:46:37   precipitate turned to a crystal as soon [TS]

00:46:40   as I applied sheet it's like it is it's [TS]

00:46:43   a little bit like a cop or if you just [TS]

00:46:45   seemed like a normal citizen you know if [TS]

00:46:47   you seem like you've got a little bit of [TS]

00:46:48   a buzz you might be able to work your [TS]

00:46:50   way out of it but if you start not you [TS]

00:46:52   but and probably hit some point but if [TS]

00:46:54   you start screaming about how you know [TS]

00:46:56   the district attorney you know you know [TS]

00:46:57   you know Harvey Dent and you start [TS]

00:46:59   yelling like that that is when the cop [TS]

00:47:02   is going to flip in like the advisor is [TS]

00:47:04   going to come down on the armor and [TS]

00:47:07   that's it it now that we're in a [TS]

00:47:09   different place though the funny thing [TS]

00:47:10   is that i think it is rooted like the [TS]

00:47:12   insecurity in me is rooted in a feeling [TS]

00:47:15   that I that that there is this that [TS]

00:47:18   there's little sline this this place [TS]

00:47:20   always ahead of me always out of my [TS]

00:47:21   reach [TS]

00:47:22   where once i have accomplished enough [TS]

00:47:25   once i am well known enough or acclaimed [TS]

00:47:28   enough that i will be on the other side [TS]

00:47:29   of this line [TS]

00:47:31   and there will either be a helper there [TS]

00:47:33   or things will be taken care of in [TS]

00:47:36   advance or I will be recognized [TS]

00:47:38   I will arrive and i will not have this [TS]

00:47:40   problem but there are 32 to two things [TS]

00:47:44   that I know about that one is well in [TS]

00:47:48   this particular instance i'm standing [TS]

00:47:50   out in front of this door arguing with [TS]

00:47:51   this guy about my pass and standing four [TS]

00:47:56   feet away are three former saturday [TS]

00:48:00   night live cast members and two members [TS]

00:48:03   of The Upright Citizens Brigade original [TS]

00:48:06   cast all of whom also do not have the [TS]

00:48:11   right pass and none of whom are and [TS]

00:48:15   they're just standing there waiting for [TS]

00:48:18   the next thing to happen like they also [TS]

00:48:22   want to be through the door but they [TS]

00:48:25   know their passes are wrong so they are [TS]

00:48:29   and they're it's not like they're [TS]

00:48:31   calling anybody there just waiting for [TS]

00:48:33   somebody to go there waiting for the [TS]

00:48:36   next thing to happen and they're they're [TS]

00:48:37   talking to each other and their kind of [TS]

00:48:39   watching me and in this moment i'm [TS]

00:48:43   looking at them and say well yeah okay [TS]

00:48:46   those people are like TV famous but this [TS]

00:48:50   is my town and this is my god damn [TS]

00:48:53   backstage door you know like i did not [TS]

00:48:57   even recognize I I the fact that there [TS]

00:49:00   were people from Saturday Night Live [TS]

00:49:03   standing there also who could not get in [TS]

00:49:04   the door meant nothing to me [TS]

00:49:06   um and the reality is alec baldwin does [TS]

00:49:13   this shit all the time [TS]

00:49:14   Alec Baldwin who by all metrics has [TS]

00:49:20   arrived is recognizable does have the [TS]

00:49:23   money like it [TS]

00:49:25   famous people all the time behave this [TS]

00:49:28   way Mel Gibson and even celery entitled [TS]

00:49:33   kind of don't you know who i am it's [TS]

00:49:34   tough and Trump right when somebody asks [TS]

00:49:38   them to put their ipad away on a phone [TS]

00:49:40   or one some you know like when somebody [TS]

00:49:42   says sir I think you've had an [TS]

00:49:44   of red wine on this flight and they [TS]

00:49:47   start throwing yogurt around the plane [TS]

00:49:48   or the think there's some some friction [TS]

00:49:51   introduced that they think that they [TS]

00:49:54   feel is the not applicable to them it's [TS]

00:49:58   like right at all more like friction for [TS]

00:50:00   the rabble and I think what it would [TS]

00:50:02   what that is evidence of is that [TS]

00:50:04   somewhere inside Alec Baldwin there is [TS]

00:50:08   this insecurity this feeling that he [TS]

00:50:10   doesn't belong and that it is that it [TS]

00:50:13   comes out in these miss this exact same [TS]

00:50:16   expression which is just like what how [TS]

00:50:18   dare you [TS]

00:50:20   well it's i mean i-i I try to keep the [TS]

00:50:22   show sophisticated but it's a it's you [TS]

00:50:25   can't sit our lunch table that's what it [TS]

00:50:27   is is that sets that feeling I mean I [TS]

00:50:28   tell me I'm wrong but like that's [TS]

00:50:30   exactly to me that's what the feeling is [TS]

00:50:32   if i were to sit down and go through [TS]

00:50:33   some Freudian analysis that's what it [TS]

00:50:35   would end up at it would anything about [TS]

00:50:36   some feeling of either like the sense of [TS]

00:50:39   abandonment or when your little or a [TS]

00:50:42   sense that that you know you thought [TS]

00:50:45   that you thought that you were in but [TS]

00:50:48   you weren't really in and then the pig's [TS]

00:50:50   blood gets dumped on your head and and [TS]

00:50:52   and so it with the clarity of a of not [TS]

00:50:57   being on a not being on a a pasta roller [TS]

00:51:03   coaster and I'm starting to kiss i'm [TS]

00:51:08   starting to examine myself where I it in [TS]

00:51:12   the sense that I the fog of war is [TS]

00:51:15   starting to lift a little bit and I am I [TS]

00:51:19   still feel just as a sailed i still feel [TS]

00:51:22   that I still feel like westmoreland but [TS]

00:51:28   I'm starting to also see that I am I am [TS]

00:51:32   I mean I've always known that I was [TS]

00:51:34   ridiculous but i'm starting to see how [TS]

00:51:36   simple the ridiculousness is and that [TS]

00:51:40   and that ultimately it's like am out an [TS]

00:51:44   awful what an awful feeling but I mean [TS]

00:51:46   it's a focal length problem where you're [TS]

00:51:48   like oh my god that is the most [TS]

00:51:49   incredible diorama train set I've ever [TS]

00:51:53   seen and then it's like oh no it's a bet [TS]

00:51:55   i'm sorry that's a nap [TS]

00:51:56   billions is a picture out my hotel [TS]

00:51:59   window of a street you're like oh fuck [TS]

00:52:02   it's just but but actually like that [TS]

00:52:04   since anybody's village [TS]

00:52:05   yeah check that mean that's a relief in [TS]

00:52:08   some ways because because reality is [TS]

00:52:10   restored a little bit like a second ago [TS]

00:52:13   you were amazed but you were amazed and [TS]

00:52:16   and also it was a little scary that that [TS]

00:52:19   someone would have that there are people [TS]

00:52:22   out there so crazy and talented to have [TS]

00:52:24   made a diorama of your city that looks [TS]

00:52:26   so good and then you're like oh it's [TS]

00:52:28   just a trick and I'm starting to [TS]

00:52:30   starting to peel peel away some of the [TS]

00:52:32   mind tricks I've been playing on myself [TS]

00:52:34   and like but I but honestly I don't know [TS]

00:52:36   what to do i am at war with so many of [TS]

00:52:39   my friends and and honestly when I have [TS]

00:52:42   to say when you and I started doing this [TS]

00:52:45   podcast I was like oh my god I am so [TS]

00:52:48   looking forward to this but it's [TS]

00:52:49   probably gonna last a month because [TS]

00:52:51   Merlin and i are going to get into a [TS]

00:52:52   fight [TS]

00:52:53   oh and then what will you know it wasn't [TS]

00:52:55   it's not the craziest i-35 ever know but [TS]

00:52:58   like that but you and I are both [TS]

00:53:00   mercurial this was it this was an inner [TS]

00:53:02   material here mercurial [TS]

00:53:05   well this is the thing where we were [TS]

00:53:06   going to surrounding town what the fuck [TS]

00:53:08   you talking about [TS]

00:53:12   I know and one of the you know and i [TS]

00:53:17   think it's to our credit that we you [TS]

00:53:19   know we have never let money intrude on [TS]

00:53:22   the castle of st. John if we if we [TS]

00:53:24   didn't do this we were yelling at chess [TS]

00:53:27   pieces all the it's actually true but [TS]

00:53:29   like so many of my of my close friends [TS]

00:53:31   right now I'm like uh I he's against me [TS]

00:53:35   and say why is he against you [TS]

00:53:37   well because you didn't answer my texts [TS]

00:53:39   well what did your text say well it said [TS]

00:53:43   fuck off [TS]

00:53:45   why would he answer it oh well he shows [TS]

00:53:49   he should know what that means he should [TS]

00:53:51   know that fuck off means high utilize [TS]

00:53:54   your left but nature is coming [TS]

00:53:58   no crazy crazy crazy crazy [TS]

00:54:01   oh man this is so much as just get real [TS]

00:54:04   man yeah so i think that you know i'm [TS]

00:54:06   going to spend on the hob goodness it's [TS]

00:54:07   basically the healing power of bacon [TS]

00:54:10   I feel like I feel like a like I should [TS]

00:54:12   go stand on the sidewalk in front of dan [TS]

00:54:14   Benjamin's house in a white robe I think [TS]

00:54:20   that would I think that would really [TS]

00:54:21   freak him out [TS]

00:54:22   chant his name i think it would be quick [TS]

00:54:24   not doing they're saying dan and you [TS]

00:54:28   said something in a video while you set [TS]

00:54:30   it on stage while you're being videotape [TS]

00:54:32   somebody asked you about a great line [TS]

00:54:35   for picking up nerdy girls or something [TS]

00:54:37   and he said something along the lines of [TS]

00:54:40   I i haven't I i haven't i still havent [TS]

00:54:44   assume my ultimate form right now is [TS]

00:54:47   that from the Chicken McNugget video [TS]

00:54:48   haha [TS]

00:54:50   everybody got that no that's a that's a [TS]

00:54:53   pokemon right [TS]

00:54:55   have you seen that you can begin video [TS]

00:54:57   no um can I spoil it for a little bit [TS]

00:55:00   yeah like a security tape video is this [TS]

00:55:03   got to be fake but i think my appeal a [TS]

00:55:06   woman close to a woman goes to the [TS]

00:55:09   drive-thru window at mcdonalds and it [TS]

00:55:11   begins with her screaming at it at the [TS]

00:55:15   person i think this is jermaine [TS]

00:55:17   screaming at the person inside the [TS]

00:55:19   sliding window about why the fuck they [TS]

00:55:21   don't have chicken mcnuggets it he said [TS]

00:55:23   they go ma'am is 1030am we don't have [TS]

00:55:26   chicken mcnuggets right now and she she [TS]

00:55:29   disagrees and says that they do have [TS]

00:55:30   chicken mcnuggets she gets out she [TS]

00:55:32   starts hitting the person she gets out [TS]

00:55:34   of her car starts hitting the person [TS]

00:55:35   screaming obscenities and saying all [TS]

00:55:37   kinds of like crazy like lord of the [TS]

00:55:40   rings shit are you know what she's [TS]

00:55:41   talking about what she says don't make [TS]

00:55:43   me assume my ultimate form [TS]

00:55:45   uh-oh and then she breaks the window and [TS]

00:55:50   you know hilarity ensues [TS]

00:55:51   yeah yeah well that's it that's the same [TS]

00:55:54   reference pokemon well or if not pokemon [TS]

00:55:57   minutes like goku oh yeah that's where [TS]

00:56:02   for lots of guys come on Lady a separate [TS]

00:56:04   soccer now separate cause when you stick [TS]

00:56:08   your sword in and twist it around like i [TS]

00:56:10   said i don't think you have hentai haha [TS]

00:56:12   weights i think that that's that when [TS]

00:56:14   you type a schoolgirl no hentai is when [TS]

00:56:16   a chicken chicken with the next next [TS]

00:56:18   time [TS]

00:56:21   [Music] [TS]