0:00:0011 your girls are they on the pill don't
0:00:02ever say that word again
0:00:05[Music]
0:00:09hello agent
0:00:12hi Merlin has got good me too
0:00:22my my my breath is bad because of the
0:00:29because of the Atkins diet the change
0:00:35and so tacky tacky tacky to it because
0:00:39it's reflecting back off of my
0:00:41microphone
0:00:42haha no i'm talking into the microphone
0:00:44and then my breath is shooting back at
0:00:46me and it's not your typical like bad
0:00:49breath of someone who doesn't brush his
0:00:51teeth
0:00:51it's this other worldly bad breath
0:00:56I shouldn't ask but can you give me two
0:00:59there is a sourness or a international
0:01:01know it tastes it still tastes like the
0:01:04forest tastes like juniper and regret it
0:01:10tastes like if you took a spade and dug
0:01:14into the dirt of a forest floor not too
0:01:18deep
0:01:19it's a little soil early moments it's a
0:01:22little low me
0:01:23yeah it does it taste like it tastes
0:01:25like I've been eating racoon high and
0:01:29you didn't like the record you're not
0:01:30going to eat it I'm not gonna need a
0:01:31raccoon unless I absolutely have to but
0:01:33you you know this is the thing about
0:01:36grass-fed beef that a lot of people
0:01:39don't realize i make I'm transitioning
0:01:41now to all I'm going on the Portlandia
0:01:44diet I'm transitioning a over to only
0:01:48eating animals whose name I know that's
0:01:51so wise and the thing about animals that
0:01:54eat grass and natural foods and not you
0:01:59know corn and and other animals ground
0:02:03into corn AKA poison the thing about
0:02:06those animals is that they taste very
0:02:08gamey they taste like moose they taste
0:02:10right
0:02:11I started to wonder if I just got a bad
0:02:13load but I got some grass fed beef one
0:02:16time and
0:02:17it tasted like salmon to me right right
0:02:20it tasted wrong wrong off ya off but it
0:02:24isn't off that is the taste of cow that
0:02:27has been heating dandelions which is
0:02:31what they want
0:02:32huh and so I'm having to recalibrate my
0:02:35whole taste scenario because I'm like me
0:02:38beef up now i'm going to eat this
0:02:40healthy beef and it's like yes healthy
0:02:42beef tastes like a moroccan leather
0:02:47factory smells know if you've ever
0:02:52smelled a moroccan leather factory by
0:02:54the cologne but but it will put you off
0:02:57it will put you off your your food for a
0:03:00long time so it doesn't smell like
0:03:01Alexis it smells like cow
0:03:03it smells like it smells like cow that
0:03:06has been stripped with a bone tool and
0:03:10then like hung covered in flies outside
0:03:16of a Moroccan butcher shop we read that
0:03:19off a whole foods thing aren't you in
0:03:21the hot Sun this is what they're
0:03:23aspiring this me to taste like I have a
0:03:25metric in life it's a metric I lived up
0:03:27to every day but it's a you can call it
0:03:30laziness if you like but i think one
0:03:32good metric in life is like success can
0:03:35be money success can be famous success
0:03:37can be i think success as you get older
0:03:39is reducing the amount of complexity in
0:03:41your life so think about being young and
0:03:43like having have a whole bunch of jobs
0:03:45you don't like me can almost no money
0:03:47like one nice bit of getting a little
0:03:49older is you reduce the complexity of
0:03:51having one job that lets you pay your
0:03:53bills like that's you know it may sound
0:03:54kind of simplistic but the problem is
0:03:57like everything I look at obviously
0:04:00getting off meth is good because it
0:04:02reduces the complexity if you're
0:04:04traveling it can be hard to find good
0:04:05math racers it's true but like I said
0:04:08we're traveling but yes let's see that
0:04:10some people as they get older they go oh
0:04:13like it's not enough for me to have the
0:04:15ABC well brand of scotch
0:04:18now I've got to have the glenlivet
0:04:20excellent fish which is great and the
0:04:22tasty but then pretty soon you can't
0:04:24have a well brand anything again you
0:04:26become beer guy and I'm worried that if
0:04:28I improve my health
0:04:29and I mean I don't need as much junk
0:04:31food as i used because it doesn't make
0:04:33me feel bad to eat a lot of junk food as
0:04:35you're learning i guess but um but I
0:04:37worry that like if I get on that whole
0:04:39grass-fed thing i'm going to be paying
0:04:41like forty dollars a pound for something
0:04:43that tastes like Morocco yeah and then
0:04:46eventually get used to that you know
0:04:47what I mean yeah you had anything like
0:04:49your music club McLuhan your fear me
0:04:53I imagine I imagine for you maybe this
0:04:57is something like with your ears like
0:04:58you like you're very sensitive to sound
0:05:01but you'd like you know you you can't
0:05:03listen to bad sounding music you if you
0:05:06would probably not want to listen like a
0:05:07low quality mp3 for example right says
0:05:10it's similar because I mean like I don't
0:05:11mind that like I'm fine to rip it 320 or
0:05:14loss now and I do actually hear the
0:05:16difference even though I'm death which
0:05:17means that the hand side away from have
0:05:18to go to whole foods to get a burger you
0:05:20just hold up your phone on the on the
0:05:22muni just just click the volume button
0:05:26all the way up and like check it out
0:05:28blurred lines to do product if I hear
0:05:32that goddamn Macklemore song one more
0:05:34time he said nobody says and that's what
0:05:37I'm gonna most talented he notices a
0:05:39long series is he was his mom reminds
0:05:42him that he was into girls since before
0:05:44pre k I know now I was into girls before
0:05:48pre before pre pretty for before pre k I
0:05:52feel bad about macklemore because I the
0:05:55hometown boys right at your home team
0:05:57oh yeah and I like him personally I
0:05:58think he's a very nice guy and he is a
0:06:01super cool guy and and it's the classic
0:06:04thing seattle thing as he's coming up
0:06:06everybody's like oh my god local guide
0:06:09check him out he's like making it he's
0:06:10so cool and then as soon as he gets
0:06:12popular than all the hipsters are hating
0:06:15him and so I go to his video shoot the
0:06:17other day and i'm at the video shoot
0:06:19I like Macklemore I like him as a person
0:06:21I'm there to support him and I am doing
0:06:25my thing which is standing in a crowd
0:06:27full of young people and I am commenting
0:06:30on their territorial disappearance and
0:06:34their behavior and I'm like look at
0:06:36these young people they are almost human
0:06:39beings
0:06:40uh not quite but but
0:06:43are edging toward it and i'm reporting
0:06:45some of the things that that they are
0:06:46you know that they're saying in the
0:06:48crowd and I'm I'm just you know I'm
0:06:49having my usual light-hearted fun at
0:06:51other peoples expense these young people
0:06:54are dumb that this is a completely
0:06:57anonymous thing that I'm not you know
0:06:58it's not like i'm naming them except
0:07:01naming them in the general like young
0:07:03people are you doing this on the
0:07:04internet was doing it on the internet
0:07:06brother and then out of nowhere a
0:07:09booking agent from a local club a friend
0:07:11of mine a guy who is now in his
0:07:14mid-thirties and I think has always
0:07:17identified himself as a young person and
0:07:19now he's going through a little bit of
0:07:21an identity crisis he is he is realizing
0:07:24he's no longer young person but it
0:07:26doesn't know he's not an old person yet
0:07:28either he's 35 or something he's
0:07:29somewhere in this middle ground he
0:07:31doesn't clean at the reeds and he he
0:07:34sends a tweet at me where he says oh
0:07:37well at least you went to a thing that
0:07:40you hate to talk about it on the
0:07:43internet he said he said send me some
0:07:44systems you know kind of shitty tweet
0:07:47that was like that was trying to call me
0:07:50out for a for like being at this event
0:07:54and hating in quotes hating I was your
0:07:58being a player hate I was hatin hatin on
0:08:01the player and why did I go to the event
0:08:04if I was just there to hate was the
0:08:07implication of his kind of snarky tweet
0:08:09and I wrote back and I was like what the
0:08:11fuck are you talking about like first of
0:08:12all all any of us do all any of us have
0:08:16ever done is go to shows and snark like
0:08:20what the fuck if you want to take that
0:08:22from me you are depriving me of
0:08:24eighty-five percent of my culture and
0:08:26life stand in the back of the room of a
0:08:29band that you adore we're your friends
0:08:31with everybody in the band and in the
0:08:34show and what is there to do except
0:08:36snark about what people are wearing and
0:08:39what dummies they are like this is
0:08:41fundamental to my to my culture so i
0:08:47write back and I'm like what's your
0:08:48problem like get off my butt and he
0:08:51keeps he keeps at it like you know like
0:08:54a like
0:08:55won't get off of this idea and and and
0:08:59it felt very foreign felt very like it
0:09:02felt very like what the fuck is behind
0:09:05this
0:09:06you know what i mean and i we took it
0:09:09offline we were texting back and forth
0:09:11he wouldn't he wouldn't get off he kinda
0:09:13wouldn't get off this like righteous
0:09:15stance and it turned into a small very
0:09:19small but public feud between me and
0:09:21this guy we're of course other people in
0:09:25the town who is because Seattle is small
0:09:29and everybody's got a fucking opinion
0:09:30all these people get involved in any way
0:09:33the long and the short of it is the
0:09:35other day I go to macklemore's twitter
0:09:39page and Macklemore isn't following me
0:09:42anymore he used to follow me and now
0:09:45Macklemore unfollowed me again I
0:09:47Macklemore I can only guess that i
0:09:51unfollowed me because of something
0:09:52because I because i was being accused of
0:09:55being a hater at his video shoot and now
0:10:00now side there are some quadrants of
0:10:03seattle in which i am I Macklemore hater
0:10:07which I'm absolutely not
0:10:09wow that's acrobatic you know what I
0:10:11mean I'm a lover but now I'm in the
0:10:13position of you can you know you can't
0:10:15prove a negative i can't go out in the
0:10:17world and say hey Macklemore lover here
0:10:20coming through because it's just gonna
0:10:22be like see he's just hate more
0:10:25so anyway maybe he's just taking a break
0:10:28he's a busy guy
0:10:29yes true he's got he's he's you know
0:10:31he's he's got a lot going on but still I
0:10:33feel like very confusing sometimes when
0:10:36somebody and follows you it's fairly
0:10:38conspicuous he didn't make a point of it
0:10:40but it's like we should let me tweak
0:10:44tweak your apps
0:10:45yeah i'm going to just affect some very
0:10:48small changes would be nice but I tried
0:10:51all the numbers back to your earlier
0:10:52point yet grass there was a time there
0:10:56was a time where i did not have any keys
0:11:00the the guy this is when you were in
0:11:04living in the van when he was living in
0:11:06the yeah like what you have
0:11:07narrator something when I i was i was
0:11:09living in a ford aerostar in a carport
0:11:13and the Aerostar was plugged in by an
0:11:16extension cord to a battery charger to
0:11:20the house so that i could open the the
0:11:23back deck the lid of the trunk lid and
0:11:28that would cause the light to go on and
0:11:30I could read Stephen King novels
0:11:33well I was trying to sleep it's tricky
0:11:35was trying to sleep in this arrow star
0:11:37and at a certain point the owner of the
0:11:39house that was featuring the Aerostar
0:11:43said as your friend you've been living
0:11:47in my minivan my non-running minivan for
0:11:50too long i'm gonna have to ask you for
0:11:52my keys to my minivan but you know like
0:11:56my house keys basically and then I
0:11:59entered that realm where I had no keys
0:12:02and i remember when i when i rejoined
0:12:08the world I quit doing drugs I got a job
0:12:13and i got my first set of keys i got i
0:12:18got my own apartment again you know
0:12:20after sort of a long period of no place
0:12:23i got my own place and I got some keys
0:12:26and then I got I got a job and they gave
0:12:28me keys to my work and then I had keys
0:12:31on this ring and i was like i am that
0:12:34that was the point at which i was adding
0:12:36stuff to my life and every new key i got
0:12:40made me feel like more apart
0:12:43uh-huh every I mean I totally agree and
0:12:46to me like every key is a new obligation
0:12:50a new debt when can you start it
0:12:52take care of its nothin up there was a
0:12:54lot of responsibility can be good like
0:12:56if you want to be the captain of
0:12:57industry in your case eventually with
0:12:59you managed a you manage the bar you use
0:13:02like a manager at a bar right yeah i did
0:13:04the books and stuff and and eventually I
0:13:06he's John I was one of those guys those
0:13:08mid-nineties guys where I had a big
0:13:10chain and it had 35 keys on it and I was
0:13:15like what happened to me a few years ago
0:13:17I had zero keys then I had like four
0:13:20keys i felt good
0:13:21great now I have 40 keys i feel like
0:13:24shit isn't that weird and as you were
0:13:27saying at that right now Merlin you know
0:13:30what I did today I'm going through my
0:13:31closets
0:13:32I have too many tuxedos self-awareness
0:13:39John not so many levels
0:13:41I'm going through I'm going through my
0:13:42closet I'm like wait a minute i have i
0:13:45have multiple tuxedos and that is that's
0:13:49crazy i have you were the only 1i think
0:13:51you're the only one who didn't bitch
0:13:52about having to then rent a brown tuxedo
0:13:54you're at you will be a tuxedo man how
0:13:57many you got how many it roughly right
0:13:59being you know count you more than to
0:14:01get more than to have more than two
0:14:02tuxedos
0:14:03I have a I have a I have a midnight blue
0:14:05tuxedo I have a I have a you know your
0:14:08standard black tuxedo then I have a
0:14:10comedy black tuxedo just to say it's
0:14:15good it's tubing to go to the flowers
0:14:17say they currently so you can squirt
0:14:18people with your flower girl but it's
0:14:20like a tuxedo the Charles Nelson Reilly
0:14:21on and uh you know celebrity match game
0:14:27or something like its experience of life
0:14:28match game after talk
0:14:30it's a laugh tuxedo because it's got big
0:14:32wide lapels and but it's a it was at in
0:14:35its day it was a beautiful tuxedo still
0:14:37is a nice tuxedo it's just stated she
0:14:39was nineteen seventy-two yeah it's just
0:14:41unfashionably cut okay and then I have a
0:14:44couple of white dinner jacket says one
0:14:46goes with some with some uh you know
0:14:48matching black the tuxedo pants and all
0:14:53that wouldn't be such a handsome look on
0:14:55you
0:14:55it's very nice that I have that boy if
0:14:57you can go with you know what I'm
0:14:59starting on the interactive what's a
0:15:00white so so black identity called a
0:15:02dinner jacket like if you wear like a
0:15:04tuxedo at night you where you are the
0:15:06black you know where the tails unless
0:15:07you're fucking jiminy cricket but I
0:15:09don't know why everyone again afternoon
0:15:11or evening when you wear a white tuxedo
0:15:13well there's some contention among the
0:15:16the male fashion people about the
0:15:19appropriateness of a white dinner jacket
0:15:20some people say that it is only for the
0:15:23tropics
0:15:25so we're gonna let James Bond kind of
0:15:27exactly you're wearing the white dinner
0:15:28jacket if you are at a casino in Bimini
0:15:32or in a curse al at Seattle is not in
0:15:38the tropics and so one could argue and I
0:15:41think people do argue that there's no
0:15:42time at which it's appropriate to wear
0:15:44white dinner jacket in seattle not even
0:15:47if you were in the Navy but you know as
0:15:51part of my job i'm often on cruise ships
0:15:53now and cruise ships gobo go into the
0:15:58tropics and so I feel like clinically
0:15:59you're not there as a mixologist there
0:16:02there's an entertainer and volleyball
0:16:06yeah i mean the joco Cruz was the first
0:16:08of these cruises that Jonathan Coulton
0:16:10crews and now I'm going on another
0:16:11cruise this fall that the the jesse
0:16:13thorn is the maximum fun group so
0:16:16cruising now is a part of my lifestyle
0:16:18and now i have other and i already had a
0:16:21white dinner jacket and now i have a
0:16:23second white energy and I'm so anyway
0:16:26like at exactly as you're saying i have
0:16:29gone from living in a minivan to having
0:16:32too many tuxedos and I'm afraid that i
0:16:36am afraid that if I don't do something
0:16:38if I don't arrest this trajectory I'm
0:16:42going to be I'm going to drown in
0:16:44tuxedos
0:16:46that's the last thing you'll see is my
0:16:48hand sticking up out of a pile of
0:16:51ever-growing tuxedos and then I'll
0:16:52because it's just a small notice in the
0:16:55local paper look at local musician found
0:16:57dead under a pile of ironic c/o holding
0:17:03as I go down holding a bottle of 12 year
0:17:05old single malt scotch that you like
0:17:07anything to drink
0:17:08leave it yeah I don't want to sound like
0:17:12too much of it
0:17:13hipster faker if I were wealthy man i
0:17:16might have a different feeling about
0:17:17this but you know my my keyring you see
0:17:20my keyring yeah I have two keys
0:17:22yeah the key to my house whenever key to
0:17:24my office smart yeah and and a you know
0:17:28if I need the car key i grab the car key
0:17:29but I don't carry that around it's like
0:17:32it puts holes in your pockets tool and
0:17:34you see these people walking around now
0:17:35you probably have like you look at you
0:17:37have
0:17:3821 modern car have you seen modern car
0:17:40keys I mean they're the size of like a
0:17:42like a like a box of like fireplace
0:17:45matches sure I breakfast
0:17:47yeah I've rented one and and
0:17:48increasingly now you just put the key in
0:17:51the proximity of the car and and the car
0:17:54just knows it to you because I'm musk I
0:17:57in fact that i have to do is get
0:17:58somewhere near it just feels you on
0:18:00moscow city
0:18:02he he put you put biometrics in it
0:18:05that's right that's right that was that
0:18:06was his addition I don't know I i could
0:18:09have more i can get more stuff but you
0:18:10know I it sounds like such a stupid like
0:18:13punk rock thing to say but like you know
0:18:15whenever I i think we said this before
0:18:17but like I feel like when I see somebody
0:18:19who not only has a lot of keys but like
0:18:21has a lot of keys that they want
0:18:23everybody to see like I just see like a
0:18:26security guard
0:18:27yeah icic somebody who's like gotta get
0:18:30I mean I that sounds silly but I mean
0:18:32like I wonder how many of those keys
0:18:33actually go to anything do you really
0:18:35need all of them all the time
0:18:36yes trying to beach there trying to be
0:18:38Schneider from one day at a time
0:18:40oh now that was a good look wasn't he
0:18:42was using a cosplay Snyder you know he
0:18:46was a slim guy but increasingly why is
0:18:49that girl today that was off digging it
0:18:51was a great effect
0:18:52oh i know i like is often girl off to
0:18:55the soft black yeah i see but here's the
0:19:01thing this is this is where it all ties
0:19:02together though is we should get back to
0:19:04the tuxedos probably but it was all of
0:19:06those things I think you have to ask
0:19:07yourself something I say to my kids
0:19:08sometimes when you're thinking about you
0:19:10Jason Kidd Michael my kids when you're
0:19:13thinking about your work you know you
0:19:15get to those crossroads with your work
0:19:17with your life and i think one
0:19:18rhetorical question to quietly ask your
0:19:21mind is what I want ten times more of
0:19:24like if you if you're being treated a
0:19:26certain way by an employer imagine
0:19:29yourself staying there for wildwood you
0:19:30want ten times more of that was like 10
0:19:32times more of work later you know your
0:19:34own multiplier but you know I I think
0:19:37like okay do I want what complexity do i
0:19:41want to add like you know like I just
0:19:43listened to an interview out bob was
0:19:45interviewing this guy from PETA and
0:19:47talking about like he brought up this
0:19:48very basic things like when you travel
0:19:50you gotta get your wheat bread you gotta
0:19:51get your avocado
0:19:52guys like it's not really all that hard
0:19:53and I'm like well maybe travel as much
0:19:55as i do like it's hard you know III it's
0:19:58hard enough not to get something that
0:20:00didn't fall out of a machine
0:20:02mhm you know what i mean and i guess i
0:20:04just think about like what what I want
0:20:06to make a key coming back to math John
0:20:08yes you do it seems like one of the hard
0:20:11parts about being addicted to drugs and
0:20:13generally if you're addicted to
0:20:14cigarettes like worst-case scenario that
0:20:17you can buy cigarettes a lot of places
0:20:19yes you just talk a whole lot of places
0:20:21like if the trend a you might be out of
0:20:23luck but like you know if you've got a
0:20:25score heroin like that's you're gonna
0:20:27have to trust some people and it might
0:20:29take a few minutes
0:20:30yeah that that's true but but also if
0:20:35you are if you are in the heroine buying
0:20:38subculture you are you know what like it
0:20:43seems to us that it is easy to get
0:20:46cigarettes because because we're living
0:20:49in the in the in the culture of where
0:20:53we're living in a culture where however
0:20:54much eight dollars for a pack of
0:20:56cigarettes is not too much and we are
0:21:00welcome in stores but there are people
0:21:02you know a surprising number of people
0:21:05for whom getting a pack of cigarettes is
0:21:08a challenge and if you are living in a
0:21:11heroine world you would be surprised you
0:21:16that you could travel from town to town
0:21:18and you're right you're you still are
0:21:21going to have to like put in some
0:21:23legwork but if you plan ahead you can
0:21:25make some calls
0:21:26ok whereas with cigarettes you might
0:21:28just be out of luck I'm just saying like
0:21:29the more stuff that you think about this
0:21:31like I think everybody can ask
0:21:33themselves like what are they worried
0:21:35they won't be able to do or get once the
0:21:38wheels hit the ground right and that
0:21:41could be a drink that could be weed that
0:21:44could be a handjob
0:21:45I'm afraid that people live in a and you
0:21:48know this is a like this is the thing
0:21:50that I started to worry about a little
0:21:51bit the the
0:21:52that that I think in terms of other
0:21:55people too much
0:21:58not that I'm thinking about other people
0:22:00but that I think in terms of other
0:22:02people like you are
0:22:04it sounds like based on some previous
0:22:05conversations you do a you're doing a
0:22:08little bit more sort of pre-filtering
0:22:10like he seems like he's more stuff where
0:22:12you kind of like filter it through a
0:22:14notional point of view
0:22:16yeah right and and and and so I feel
0:22:19tradition i feel typically that other
0:22:22people more or less cannot live without
0:22:26their crutches and their crutches are
0:22:29ridiculous or or the that there are a
0:22:33lot of their crutches that people like
0:22:35going to full-on like like clawing the
0:22:39earth panic mode because they can't get
0:22:42I mean you know you you
0:22:43we've all been through it yeah i've been
0:22:45i've been traveling with people where
0:22:47they didn't have their they they forgot
0:22:49their pillow you know they brought their
0:22:50pillow with them on the trip skills a
0:22:52kid with their stuffy
0:22:54yeah that's why we're almost done if you
0:22:56left that on the plane like it's it's
0:22:57game over
0:22:58it's game over and that but we're
0:22:59talking about a thirty-year-old
0:23:00personality menthol cigarettes let alone
0:23:02menthol cigarettes right or let alone
0:23:05you know food and drink people get
0:23:07attached two pillows it's true but I'm
0:23:09stop but I'm trying to stop thinking in
0:23:11terms of other people in that way or
0:23:14like as a as a you know as a a prism to
0:23:22try and like break out all the different
0:23:25colors of my own thought and and just
0:23:28start kind of trying to try to stay more
0:23:31stable more focused on what am I
0:23:34thinking like I think your thing is your
0:23:36idea is brilliant like what do I want
0:23:38ten times more I i well i was i was
0:23:41going to say it before you started
0:23:42publicly agreeing with me but I think
0:23:43that's a good way to be honestly have a
0:23:46car here but I i think i think boy
0:23:48anybody getting I mean like yours when
0:23:52you start becoming dependent on what
0:23:54anybody else thinks you're a little bit
0:23:55fucked
0:23:56well so the weird thing about this this
0:23:59this Atkins because i have no you know
0:24:01I've never gone on a diet before but
0:24:03that the only reason I think this is it
0:24:05not a leopard traditional ties well sure
0:24:08I mean it's not easy and forget if you
0:24:10took some graph paper in HB pencil
0:24:12you've been on some extremely
0:24:14interesting inconsistent diets it's true
0:24:16it's true and one could argue that
0:24:17walking six months in one direction is a
0:24:20kind of joint as a kind of diet
0:24:21yeah but I but this is the first time
0:24:25that I have in my entire life Hadfield
0:24:2744 years old my mind fully like
0:24:30consciously said I'm going to make this
0:24:31kind of a change in my intern right
0:24:33right because up until now i have always
0:24:36preferred to feel like i am as God made
0:24:40me and he and throw what you have at me
0:24:44and I will and I will consume it and i
0:24:47will pick up salad i forgot throws it i
0:24:50will make poo out of anything and now
0:24:56I'm you know I'm concentrating on this
0:24:58and I you know I did not weigh myself i
0:25:00have not weighed myself because the
0:25:01point that the point of this exercise
0:25:04for me is to is really to go through a
0:25:07door make a transition into a new way of
0:25:11thinking which isn't a diet is a little
0:25:15bit of a misnomer read a diet is this
0:25:16thing the crazy people do for bikini
0:25:18season but you sound like you're trying
0:25:20to do something more different it's a
0:25:22it's a thought technology right it is a
0:25:25detective mindfulness yes that I am
0:25:28constantly on and now i am extending
0:25:30that that Truman Show bubble to include
0:25:33also the things that I eat and what is
0:25:38astonishing is that I actually feel that
0:25:44I have stepped off a rollercoaster like
0:25:49I do not in I do not enjoy eating this
0:25:52way there is no you know there is no fun
0:25:55in it that the second time I went into a
0:25:57restaurant and order to double cheese
0:25:59burger with no bun and SAT and ate it
0:26:02out of a out of styrofoam container with
0:26:04a plastic knife and fork high resolution
0:26:07life felt yeah I felt like somebody had
0:26:10taken my shoelaces because they were
0:26:13worried I was going to hang myself in my
0:26:14prison cell like it was I was like what
0:26:17what has become of me like I ordered and
0:26:19the person by the cash register was like
0:26:21there's another one to take you know
0:26:23like the new out the new know how to
0:26:24throw up to two burger patties but i
0:26:28don't i don't necessarily enjoy it but
0:26:30this this fog that I felt like has been
0:26:34on me for years
0:26:37dislike this up-and-down up-and-down
0:26:40kind of crazy crazy energy fluctuations
0:26:45is is gone in two weeks I just I just I
0:26:50just have this steady amount of energy
0:26:53all day long i do not have not taken a
0:26:57nap in the last two weeks or in the last
0:27:0110 days and no nap
0:27:04I mean a nap is like that's the whole
0:27:08reason I get up in the morning is to
0:27:10start looking forward to the nap in the
0:27:11afternoon right and now it's just like I
0:27:13just
0:27:14it sounds like your sugar is stabilized
0:27:16I'm not peeking i'm not i'm not i don't
0:27:19feel like I'm drowning anymore under
0:27:21exhaustion and I'm just puttering along
0:27:25and it's like and this is just I'm not
0:27:28even really taking care of myself i'm
0:27:30just eating well you know one step at a
0:27:32time one step at a time right
0:27:34that's you know that's part of that I
0:27:36don't think you're only probably guilty
0:27:38of this i know i have been is that kind
0:27:39of black and white thinking again
0:27:41thinking of the PETA thing well you know
0:27:43if I can't get rid of every conceivable
0:27:45animal product in my life I should
0:27:47probably keep torturing animals like
0:27:48that that Cesaro internet thinking that
0:27:50people go through like the idea of
0:27:52hypocrisy that makes people just be
0:27:54permanently stuck in like in silly
0:27:56mediocrity
0:27:57but you know i mean take stones i take
0:27:59stones from being like I could give a
0:28:01fuck about this like I'm going to give a
0:28:03little bit of the fuck about this
0:28:04yeah a little right and and and not and
0:28:07not get all I'm not getting all crazy on
0:28:09myself i'm not i didn't like go into my
0:28:11freezer and and start to like the
0:28:15throwing out all the Brooklyn yeah
0:28:18throwing all the popsicles on a bonfire
0:28:20in the backyard under a giant golden
0:28:22eagle evangelizing no I mean only only
0:28:26so much only so much as you and I have
0:28:28not talked about it a couple times
0:28:30that a is even then I feel awkward
0:28:34except that I i feel like something
0:28:36somehow you and I are past the point of
0:28:38even trying not to you know bore the
0:28:42shit out of people were just where we
0:28:44are devoted to this cause i'm talking
0:28:49about arpu food Hitler Hitler a little
0:28:53bit of Hitler belgium comes up some now
0:28:56and again I gotta learn more about
0:28:58Belgium you know it's a fascinating
0:29:00country i'm very happy to hear this
0:29:02I i fell off the wagon with the eating
0:29:05better in the last few weeks you know
0:29:07its application stuff and started
0:29:10kindergarten today so things have been a
0:29:12little bit crazy but I'm gonna get back
0:29:14into it because I remember that feeling
0:29:16yeah and there's this one very hard to
0:29:20be doing another podcast here but
0:29:21there's something I've said a lot that i
0:29:23really believe which is like once you
0:29:24lose 30 pounds like potato chips don't
0:29:27look as good right and the only reason i
0:29:29can say that with such authority
0:29:31I mean honestly to me was french fries
0:29:32like the only reason i can say that with
0:29:34authority is because i went from 36 to
0:29:3733 and I really felt the difference you
0:29:40know I I mean the thing is I when I walk
0:29:43up the hill and I have to carry my
0:29:44daughter I sometimes think when she was
0:29:46younger I would think wow this this was
0:29:47me everyday
0:29:48yeah like I used to have to carry like a
0:29:50small person when I walked up you know a
0:29:5320-degree hill or whatever it was just
0:29:55one person one person that was clutching
0:29:57at your intestinal please check if she's
0:30:00awake she could grab on
0:30:01but like now is that extra little person
0:30:03was a little bit of me and like it boy
0:30:05ok I just you know let's rewind for just
0:30:09a second did you say today was her first
0:30:11day of kindergarten
0:30:12yeah Mike pretty big deal
0:30:16wow yeah it was a it was you
0:30:19yeah anyway hey you know what we're
0:30:20doing nothing just wasn't what was their
0:30:23coloring and stuff was it was it fine
0:30:25when she okay to go to school I i love
0:30:28her school but you know don't get me
0:30:31started on institutions you know I just
0:30:33this is what I'm worried about because
0:30:34where we are investigating we have
0:30:36joined a co-op that's a week we didn't
0:30:38call for three years my doctor today are
0:30:40my uh my daughter to post doc
0:30:42that her preschool well so they do next
0:30:44year yeah they sent out an email and
0:30:46they were like we need we need people we
0:30:50need sunshine helpers we need what did
0:30:55they want
0:30:56okay I'm just gonna brace yourself
0:30:58because you think you if you think you
0:31:00been experiencing it
0:31:01sorry is that never by eight if you've
0:31:03been living in that kind of you know
0:31:05weird parenting bubble get ready because
0:31:08it's gonna be so much of your
0:31:09personality you're just gonna have to
0:31:11let go of when you're around a lot of
0:31:12places i mean we have to select through
0:31:15so many discussions that are very poorly
0:31:18organized there's going to be a lot of
0:31:20forms that could have been laid out a
0:31:21lot better
0:31:22there's a lot of signs with you know bad
0:31:25punctuation and typography comic sounds
0:31:27comic sans or like there's the one the
0:31:31one that my daughter's teacher uses just
0:31:32it's it's not it's not pathetic is not
0:31:36aerial it's kind of a stylized like you
0:31:39know future up meats like a stork it's
0:31:42just me but no I i suffered under that
0:31:45and also I think there's a lot of hazing
0:31:47I think that people who are very
0:31:48comfortable being like a suburban mom or
0:31:51dad and they take it out on people like
0:31:52you and me
0:31:53yeah we're just gonna not was not
0:31:55totally like hipster tattoo doofuses
0:31:58with barbells in their nose but we're
0:32:00also not like wearing-- castle loafers
0:32:02like we are the Forgotten men i I'll i
0:32:08want to i want to be on the board of
0:32:10directors just because just because it's
0:32:13obvious cuz that's where I belong you
0:32:15should have a coup and then very shortly
0:32:17after that become the you know just like
0:32:19either eliminate the board of directors
0:32:21or making it right there with you know
0:32:25the coop chats kick ya put it put it up
0:32:28to a vote that there that that there
0:32:30should be that all board board of
0:32:32directors are equal except some are more
0:32:35equal than others
0:32:36maybe you should does stage like arson
0:32:38of the art room
0:32:40well with other people is just just like
0:32:43it's like your own personal personal
0:32:45rights dog icepick the the assistant
0:32:48teacher what I'm what I'm afraid of
0:32:51is everything I am absolutely one
0:32:54hundred percent afraid of being in a
0:32:58position of well basically having to
0:33:02subjugate myself to the Borg it's so i
0:33:10found it i have no one to talk to about
0:33:12this i found it's so difficult
0:33:15it made me realize i'm not saying this
0:33:16is you but me and made me realize how
0:33:18much of a man-child i am in some ways
0:33:20like I'm so used to like I I don't like
0:33:25having to like it should be fucking
0:33:2740-some years to get to where I like I
0:33:29don't hate my personality and so I think
0:33:32I'm almost like out of this Merlin
0:33:33closet or like I just I I'm very
0:33:35reluctant to go gently into someone
0:33:38else's goodnight right now you ever let
0:33:41me hear you roar
0:33:42well I don't have to be like I don't
0:33:43have to be a cock don't have to always
0:33:44be the center of attention but at the
0:33:46same time there's like there's just
0:33:47there's a lot of times when I've had to
0:33:49go like okay I've worked on my own for a
0:33:50lot of years I've had gotten to be like
0:33:53whatever it is that i am for a lot of
0:33:55years and there's times when you're the
0:33:57first meeting at my daughter's co-op
0:33:58school which was i I mean like I will I
0:34:01can't imagine my daughter ever going to
0:34:02another school is great as her co-op
0:34:03school weekend my wife mostly work there
0:34:05I work there
0:34:06it's great it's great gig it's so much
0:34:08less expensive than like a regular like
0:34:10you know penitentiary style Driscoll
0:34:14because you're there you're it's it's a
0:34:15great way to watch your kid get better
0:34:16at being a kid but and you learn to
0:34:18watercolor again but you know it's also
0:34:21it's cool because like the people there
0:34:23who are dicks have a stake in it like
0:34:25there are people who still want to like
0:34:26just drop the kids off and drive away
0:34:28but there's a lot of people there who
0:34:29were there because they believe in the
0:34:30school they believe what's going on
0:34:32you can take that too far and like
0:34:33heaven some of these schools they make
0:34:35you read a book before you can go there
0:34:36like they have like I too was a temp
0:34:39homocysteine out a persuasive theory
0:34:42like the HP this place has a different
0:34:45like philosophy but the I don't want to
0:34:48have my commitment to smart sparkle
0:34:50motion doubt it
0:34:51no no no butBut you know but here's the
0:34:53thing it the first thing that well two
0:34:56things from just quickly in this case
0:34:58first of all that like how much I showed
0:35:01up feeling like of course i always feel
0:35:02like the worst father in the world no
0:35:03matter where i go i'm always liked my
0:35:05gosh there's so many things I could be
0:35:06doing so much better but I got there
0:35:08kidding me
0:35:08do you honestly feel that way yeah and
0:35:11and I got there anything like two
0:35:12minutes i felt like i was a student
0:35:14council meeting because it was it was
0:35:16like but at the greatest school in the
0:35:17world was like the people who like where
0:35:20the you know as you say that the board
0:35:21of directors or whatever like the people
0:35:22who were like the head of the
0:35:24three-year-olds group the four-year-old
0:35:25trip it was just like student council
0:35:27and it was it was like this weird but
0:35:29not popularity contest but there are
0:35:31some people who cared so intensely about
0:35:33governing like you know whether you had
0:35:35to wear shoes in the bike area or
0:35:37whatever and second the first meeting I
0:35:39ever want to at this school the greatest
0:35:41of all schools they talked about the
0:35:43problem of chicken poop for 25 minutes
0:35:47because this one is for chicken to run
0:35:49around IC and apparently one of the moms
0:35:52was pretty upset because some of the
0:35:54chicken matter had gotten on to her
0:35:57child's shoe and that came into the
0:35:59house and that led to a larger
0:36:00discussion of just sanitation in general
0:36:02and like should we even have chickens it
0:36:04off we have chickens
0:36:05should there be somebody who's
0:36:06monitoring the the chicken area more
0:36:08closely right and you know your question
0:36:11that's like that i think it's attributed
0:36:12to Kissinger you know start to go
0:36:14through your head you know the stakes
0:36:15are some steaks for supper but you know
0:36:17but but I'm sorry I'm going on but I
0:36:20want the big pattern here is like for me
0:36:22it's one thing to sit around and poison
0:36:25my daughter's mind with with comics but
0:36:28like then i have to go up and be around
0:36:29other people and even like the coolest
0:36:30people in the world I feel like I'm
0:36:32always like I it's pushing me forward
0:36:35because now like my all of my failures
0:36:37exposed all these people and but that I
0:36:40would not trade that experience for the
0:36:41world
0:36:42I mean it was you know a you know what
0:36:45is the last thing on this it's like it's
0:36:47like hiring a doula or it is like
0:36:50finding a psychiatrist
0:36:52it is like finding a mate like don't
0:36:56start with the role like start with
0:36:58finding somebody that you like like
0:36:59we're gonna find a school that you like
0:37:01before you find a school
0:37:02you got a problem is the problem with
0:37:04that Merlin is that I rejected the idea
0:37:06of a doula
0:37:07and why we please talk to liz its
0:37:10endpoint and I reject the idea of a
0:37:12psychiatrist and I and I'm for education
0:37:17really have not have not fully embraced
0:37:20the idea of finding a mate
0:37:22what about chickens got a thought and I
0:37:24don't have chickens don't everybody
0:37:26don't have heritage chickens and
0:37:28everybody comes over to my house says
0:37:29you have a barn every year everybody in
0:37:31the city is buying chickens
0:37:34you're the only guy that has that
0:37:35actually has a barn
0:37:37why don't you have chickens and I'm like
0:37:38right because chickens because why do
0:37:41you need fucking chickens right exactly
0:37:43except my legs really show up and within
0:37:45it within a month like you get your
0:37:47tattoo you get your fixie and get two
0:37:49chickens
0:37:49well here's I feel like a weird but I
0:37:51feel about the chicken you have is
0:37:53chicken or chicken that thing they're
0:37:54chickens are huge and everything
0:37:55everywhere
0:37:56okay what what I feel about the chickens
0:37:58and the and the organic farming both of
0:38:01which things I am encouraged by every
0:38:03person who comes here to embark upon
0:38:06like why aren't you
0:38:08I looks like a little suggestion box for
0:38:10John's house why are things I can't
0:38:11believe John is an icy winds our why
0:38:14don't you make why don't you build a big
0:38:16organic garden and what I realize about
0:38:18those things that is that those are
0:38:20mating rituals that you once you and
0:38:24your partner have exhausted all of the
0:38:28episodic television and you are staring
0:38:30across the breakfast table at one
0:38:32another and contemplating being together
0:38:35for decades and you realize like I don't
0:38:41want to be like my parents I don't want
0:38:42to be like my grandparents what are we
0:38:43going to do you embark upon a mutual
0:38:46project like starting a garden where you
0:38:49are now going to eat out of this garden
0:38:51it's a merry old time
0:38:53but it's really a way of it's a it's a
0:38:57way of of stitching your relationship
0:39:00together with a kind of mutual you know
0:39:04like here are values in bright red tape
0:39:08and we're living our were walking our
0:39:11talk and we're living our life together
0:39:13and for me as a bachelor the idea of
0:39:16going out and killing a little organic
0:39:18garden for myself again feels like a
0:39:22prison activity take think they take
0:39:25your shoelaces the way they give you to
0:39:26hamburger patties with cheese in a
0:39:28styrofoam bucket and then you've got
0:39:30like your six-by-eight plot and you're
0:39:34out there you're out there trying to
0:39:36keep the rabbits out of your letters and
0:39:39that's what keeps you
0:39:40let's do you remember thinking
0:39:42everybody's like in college like I would
0:39:44meet i would meet a lady and like we
0:39:47would just sit and get going to like you
0:39:49know like if you leave the party you'd
0:39:52be xing it go to like an abandoned
0:39:54classroom and you could talk for 18
0:39:56hours just talking just talk about
0:39:57whatever talk about the flintstones
0:39:58whatever she fly her forehead on your
0:40:00shoes it be in the dark you like quite a
0:40:03thing yet it was just a kind of talking
0:40:06about whatever he's talking about
0:40:07whatever man whatever its just oh my god
0:40:10you too
0:40:10oh my god and then you need projects
0:40:13when you get older and let's be honest
0:40:14the biggest project is a kid right now i
0:40:16have somebody that this is probably a
0:40:18very old cliché it's probably like you
0:40:19know like a more solid joke or something
0:40:20but like you know when you will run out
0:40:22of things to talk to somebody like
0:40:25that's when the words will you marry me
0:40:26right well your mouth and and all you
0:40:29have to do is go to an ikea on a
0:40:30Saturday afternoon and you're seeing all
0:40:33the people better that are either right
0:40:35before that or were right in the heart
0:40:37of its projects projects project just
0:40:39you know she's a she's pushing the cart
0:40:41and he is kind of walking along beside
0:40:44and they are just picking out storage
0:40:46solutions is wondering what Swedish for
0:40:48ricin and and for me like I did not I
0:40:53did not escape it
0:40:55i but i but i but I went through a lot
0:40:58of those sort of as solo like I built a
0:41:04nest for myself here unconscious
0:41:06that that's really what i was doing and
0:41:08I did it all by myself so that my house
0:41:11looks like uh hunting lodge that that
0:41:16where someone set off a grandma bomb but
0:41:20there's also there's no and they pick up
0:41:21what are you thinking of course right
0:41:23not gonna put that there what are you
0:41:24doing right there is no one but by the
0:41:26time anyone could have said seven
0:41:29different mismatched plays paisley
0:41:32patterns is not a style it is a mind
0:41:37riot by the time anybody could have said
0:41:39that to me it was too late
0:41:41yeah and they all they could do was
0:41:42stand there with their hands on their
0:41:43hips and go wow amazing and I'm like I
0:41:46know right kind of kind of like kind of
0:41:49like tripping out isn't it
0:41:51go ahead sit on the couch if you can
0:41:52find the couch part so so I'm kind of
0:41:57now going through this idea i had not
0:41:59thought of it this way i really had nine
0:42:01there was nobody to keep me from buying
0:42:0410 copies of The Adventures of
0:42:06Huckleberry Finn because i was afraid
0:42:08that it was gonna get banned and I was
0:42:11gonna have the last stash of them to
0:42:13hand out to people on the street there
0:42:15was no one to stop me from decorating my
0:42:19house with amplifiers and I have built a
0:42:23nest you're there John I really am and I
0:42:26know you're like Michael you're like
0:42:27Berkeley I don't love everything you do
0:42:29but I'm so glad you're there
0:42:30haha but the but the problem is that now
0:42:34I have built a nest and now i have a
0:42:36child and I am that and the child's
0:42:38mother and I are very close and we live
0:42:41in a very kind of communal atmosphere it
0:42:44you know in a way is everything that I
0:42:47if you had asked me 10 years ago like
0:42:50how I imagined it
0:42:52it is that it has happened but but i
0:42:56have i've maintained so much of my own
0:42:58like I kept my my back
0:43:07up my castle and now i'm now i'm in the
0:43:11in this castle and I feel a little
0:43:14ridiculous like that the castle grounds
0:43:17are all being guarded by other yeah
0:43:18that's the pre-filter John you should
0:43:20not feel ridiculous way I'm standing up
0:43:23here with my flag
0:43:25you know I have a collection of flags
0:43:26yeah and and i realized today because
0:43:29our our good friend cat Miriam yeah so I
0:43:36my friend of the show and the show I
0:43:38think she might whenever I have around
0:43:40the city but I think she might be our uh
0:43:41amongst other things are official
0:43:43statistician well I and anna and I'm
0:43:46beginning to feel like chief archivist
0:43:47but-but-but so I post a picture of a
0:43:52jacket that i have that i thought was
0:43:54like a vintage could you donate Navy
0:43:58officers code like it's clearly a
0:44:00captain's jacket I thought maybe like
0:44:03french coast guard auxiliary I wasn't
0:44:06sure but I posted a picture of this i
0:44:08was trying to crowdsource wear this
0:44:10jacket was from and I got your usual
0:44:13snarky answers from everybody and then I
0:44:17that and then some legit fucking
0:44:20question some legit tries people were
0:44:22like I don't believe that's an American
0:44:23and I was like well right but what is it
0:44:26and it was like not US military there
0:44:28were some people taking some stabs at it
0:44:29and then she comes in out of the blue
0:44:32with a link to the this exact jacket and
0:44:37I didn't even post a whole picture but i
0:44:39just posted a picture of the sleeve
0:44:40she's good she has the entire jacket and
0:44:42it is a yacht club Commodore retired
0:44:48dress blues and I was like so close and
0:44:55yet so far
0:44:55how did this how did this fight I mean
0:44:58it's like I want wherever I got this
0:45:00jacket
0:45:00it must have it must have crawled out of
0:45:04the truck and situated itself on top of
0:45:07an of a rafter and as I was walking by
0:45:09it left we got yacht club Commodore
0:45:13common tired ret
0:45:15right okay former Commodores so there's
0:45:19a current company for the current
0:45:20Commodore of the yacht club he wears a
0:45:23different coat
0:45:24ok this is this is the the former the
0:45:28former Commodore if once once a comment
0:45:31or always a comedy ask marine so it once
0:45:34you have been the Commodore of your
0:45:35yacht club you graduate you are always
0:45:37able to wear this gentleman door and
0:45:39there is America's which is a fantastic
0:45:41it's a fantastic code and and so then
0:45:45i'm online i am researching yacht club
0:45:48literally typing its greatness be fired
0:45:52yacht club Commodore yacht club
0:45:54Commodore former right um and I'm so I'm
0:45:59now i'm in this yacht club world i had
0:46:00no idea that members of yacht clubs had
0:46:02ranks there's an entire ranking system
0:46:04as as as like elaborate and bizarre as
0:46:10the as the very essence of congolese
0:46:14navy or whatever it's got let you know
0:46:16you could you can you can be a bosun's
0:46:18mate it the yacht club anyway I'm i'm
0:46:22flipping through this and all of a
0:46:23sudden I see these flags which I've had
0:46:26I have a flag with a giant acorn on it
0:46:29and a flag with crossed feathers on it
0:46:32and I've had them for a long time I
0:46:35their part of my collection of flags and
0:46:39I learned in on this website that the
0:46:42acorn is the flag that you fly from your
0:46:44yacht if you are the treasurer of the ox
0:46:480 because the treasure is collecting
0:46:52acorns for the this is international or
0:46:56mean if you are a yacht club in but this
0:46:57is this is in a book somewhere this is
0:46:59codified yeah right and the cross
0:47:01feathers of course is the Secretary of
0:47:04the yacht club so i'm flying all these
0:47:08weird yacht club flags here around
0:47:09around the good ship blow Roderick pop
0:47:13and I I had no idea what they meant i
0:47:18did you and thankies Thank You code
0:47:20right yeah Thank oh right i was flying a
0:47:22green hanky and my back left pocket i
0:47:24didn't know that if I was slippery roads
0:47:26right and
0:47:28and that Miriam solves all these
0:47:32problems in one fell swoop and also
0:47:33somehow completely a like completely by
0:47:38happenstance I already own a retired
0:47:43Commodores jacket I didn't have to go
0:47:46through any of the like where is I may
0:47:49already have a retired director of CIA
0:47:51jacket and I just don't realize that you
0:47:54just need to send her some some photos I
0:47:57need to send her photos of everything
0:47:58she could be your personal archives to
0:48:00so I'm saying I think you and you may
0:48:02have finally found you you lament this
0:48:04every every few months about what you
0:48:06gonna do like with the history of all
0:48:07the items in your home like how how will
0:48:09that be passed on to the future
0:48:10generations
0:48:11she's very scientific John I don't want
0:48:14to go into too much personal detail but
0:48:15catamarans very scientific
0:48:17all I'm saying is that that that that
0:48:19that that mystery at least is solved and
0:48:25why it is that I that you know because i
0:48:28asked people to solutely when they come
0:48:30into the house and at a certain point I
0:48:32change to a kind of open-handed salute
0:48:34rather than your closed and salute what
0:48:37I'm not sure I'm had no nothing like
0:48:39Hitler open-handed like you know like a
0:48:42a classic sort of got a wave not a wave
0:48:45that you're still touching the tip of
0:48:47your glasses with the hand ok just your
0:48:49palm out so I know what you mean like
0:48:53sort of it left hand kinda get it right
0:48:55like like you're like you're the the
0:48:57governor-general in the Raj let me love
0:49:01you let you watch it because I was I was
0:49:03I was feeling like a Commodore is it
0:49:05fair to say you probably know more about
0:49:07military and fake military clothing than
0:49:11most people in seattle be honest you
0:49:14probably the top i'd be in the top 5% 5%
0:49:17ok if you go to the coop meeting like
0:49:21the second meeting dressed as a former
0:49:24Commodore yeah club people think it's
0:49:26pretty fucking weird but if you're
0:49:28consistent if you always show up in some
0:49:32kind of military garb no one is going to
0:49:35fuck with you right but it's but every
0:49:37but one day I'm a colonel in the Air
0:49:38Force
0:49:39well one day i'm wearing desert
0:49:41fatigues there are people with honorary
0:49:44degrees and consoles doctor there's no
0:49:46reason you can't be there is no fucking
0:49:48reason you can't be an honorary
0:49:49Commodore I'm saying is if you show up
0:49:50at this place and you and you want to
0:49:52have this is a certain will to power
0:49:54you may be able to go in there dress for
0:49:56the job you want to write well but this
0:49:58is the thing I don't want to go up
0:49:59I've already begun compiling the the
0:50:02uniform of a member of the board of
0:50:06directors of your child's up at times it
0:50:09felt like at least it would be like a
0:50:11patagonia fleece well see now that's
0:50:13where you wouldn't have a water bottle i
0:50:15have not been to this meeting yet so i'm
0:50:18guessing that that's what that's what
0:50:20you're gonna follow that is gonna be
0:50:21enlisted men think that's right ok got
0:50:24it sorry
0:50:24so obviously tweed jacket patches on the
0:50:30elbows knit squared bottom time it's
0:50:35selling Michael Keaton in like a grain
0:50:37it that's right no you're absolutely
0:50:39right Michael Keaton 83
0:50:41yeah black plaid button-down sort of nor
0:50:44sport shirt hot smart look I don't know
0:50:48though I think the military thing I met
0:50:50my am but then crewneck sweater on top
0:50:53of the shirt i just saw oceans 11 for
0:50:57the first time I think you should bring
0:50:59back the the the giant turtle neck
0:51:02almost cowl-neck ridiculously large
0:51:04turtleneck shirt that like a sweater
0:51:06like a big big you don't talk about
0:51:08using the movie but for some reason like
0:51:09three different guys in the movie
0:51:10especially Matt Damon are wearing these
0:51:12cool like fishermen kind of sweaters
0:51:14like you know vertical ribbing but with
0:51:17these giant giant turns out the captain
0:51:20haddock sweater em high
0:51:22the captain haddock sweater from going
0:51:24to get the former captain the retired
0:51:26captain had so it's called me look that
0:51:27up it's a smart like I could not pull
0:51:29that off you would look awesome in that
0:51:31you know the thing about captain haddock
0:51:33is that his first of all his sweater has
0:51:35a giant anchor on it captain and oh and
0:51:40apparently the cartoon character but
0:51:42yeah yeah what are you not attending
0:51:44reader
0:51:45uh yes haha oh outed outed as a non
0:51:53Tintin reader he's got a pipe
0:51:55that's gotta understand how he looks a
0:51:57little like Bluto that's right i guess
0:51:59what else he's from Belgium Belgium l
0:52:02jones got no pupils i don't know i have
0:52:06mixed feelings because there's two
0:52:07minutes two ways you can go with this
0:52:08like you can either go with like the
0:52:11perhaps inadvisable this guy is
0:52:13obviously bananas approach which is he
0:52:16might go in is looking ass licker one
0:52:19day like the Gorton's fisherman in like
0:52:21one day you might go in as like the I
0:52:24don't know whatever the Seattle Mariner
0:52:25big head mascot is you know Erin Andrews
0:52:28mariner moose all had a big head
0:52:31they had mascot my kids school today I
0:52:33want to get kids cry big lion was the
0:52:36person inside of an autistic bring it
0:52:41around
0:52:43why I'm pretty sure that or you just
0:52:46were consistently where the same uniform
0:52:48it's all pretty sure that makes my sword
0:52:49cane is going to be the thing that just
0:52:52that that really gets their attention
0:52:53but that's not going to be till meeting
0:52:55five a lot of people are going to see it
0:52:57go that guy doesn't look like he needs a
0:52:59cane and he definitely looks like the
0:53:02kind of guy who would like to carry a
0:53:03sword so i'm gonna guess that's probably
0:53:04a certain game you would think but the
0:53:06people appear that the the you know the
0:53:08fleece dolls they're like I think that
0:53:10the fleece creates a kind of it like off
0:53:14gases and it in a dulls your wits for
0:53:17combat lot of leaching yeah yeah so no
0:53:21no I got the whole idea of the whole
0:53:24premise that one day I would be
0:53:26jockeying for power in a pre-k co-op is
0:53:33like I feel a little bit like I'm
0:53:37sitting in one of those little tiny
0:53:39desks at a parent-teacher conference
0:53:42already
0:53:43yeah and I don't know how this I don't
0:53:46know how this happened you know you know
0:53:48Merlin that that michael anthony hall
0:53:51and I
0:53:58what the hell Molly Ringwald yeah
0:54:00they're the same age as me and just that
0:54:11itself that that's plenty
0:54:12I yeah I just don't know I'm just
0:54:14thinking about that today like I don't
0:54:16think I knew that at the time I think
0:54:19about that a lot i watched i was
0:54:20watching Moneyball today that movie in
0:54:22like Billy Beane's like 51like it's like
0:54:25he's a guy who like play baseball like
0:54:27when I when I was a kid
0:54:29yeah but he's only a few years older
0:54:31than me I mean Michael Stipe is not that
0:54:32much older than me that's right he seems
0:54:34like a generation older than me but he's
0:54:36actually not right and that is
0:54:38disturbing to me and with michael stipe
0:54:40I can handle it because whatever when I
0:54:43was when I was 15 he was already 22 or
0:54:47something and like that did seem that
0:54:50did seem like a generational difference
0:54:52but I don't think I knew that anthony
0:54:56michael hall and molly ringwald were
0:54:59just six months older than me or
0:55:00something i didn't get my head is easy
0:55:02younger to you
0:55:03no no no they seemed again like they
0:55:06were in the movies i was it i thought
0:55:08that they were older people playing
0:55:11teenagers I thought it was the classic
0:55:1390210 problem right one girl with the
0:55:15glasses here 60 yeah right and and you
0:55:19know 25 27 year olds that are playing
0:55:21seventeen-year-olds but the you know the
0:55:23knowledge that those two those kids
0:55:26playing teenage kids were actually
0:55:29teenage kids his ideals right it's retro
0:55:32actively depressing
0:55:33yeah I don't know why to learn that at
0:55:3544 years old is causing me to to to kind
0:55:39of be a GOG today but but but I've spent
0:55:46spent all afternoon kind of like
0:55:47thinking about Anthony Michael Hall I
0:55:51don't know I i think that was me for a
0:55:53while was he like really like beefy
0:55:55didn't get a like like games
0:55:57yes bc i think he was I think I think
0:55:59somebody was advising him as a young
0:56:02person
0:56:03don't don't be the nerd don't be
0:56:05typecast as the nerd
0:56:06yeah so you got it you got it you know
0:56:08you gotta get into the gym and be a
0:56:10serious actor and get it's not
0:56:12flattering take some intense roles i
0:56:14don't think you'd recognize him now if
0:56:16you google Anthony Michael Hall right
0:56:17now and look at his face now your it's
0:56:19you're going to be like oooo he looks
0:56:21like a guy at my child's pre-k he looks
0:56:24like just somebody's dad he doesn't look
0:56:26like anthony michael hall anymore but
0:56:28now you look at Jackie Earle Haley I'm
0:56:30you probably have not had a chance to
0:56:31look at the materials essential but in
0:56:33the in the movie version of watchmen
0:56:35rorschach is played by Jackie Earle
0:56:37Haley who you'll remember from Bad News
0:56:39Bears and breaking always sure the bad
0:56:42kid the city needs and great yes he's
0:56:45played he's played Freddy Krueger in one
0:56:47of the nightmare movies he's in shutter
0:56:50island he has a great small but great
0:56:52rolling shutter island
0:56:53he's one of those guys he's like he's
0:56:54off is all with all due respect mr.
0:56:57Earle Haley like you don't fucked up
0:56:59looking he's he's always been super
0:57:00weird looking but like I sigh so
0:57:03treasure that like and not you know what
0:57:04now I gotta find out how old he is
0:57:05I do this now you know what they do I
0:57:07look for how tall people are so that's
0:57:08all yeah I don't think he's very tall
0:57:10I search for how tall people are isn't
0:57:12that like that's an old person thing to
0:57:13do isn't it did how I like your new
0:57:16boyfriend he's told how is like scarlett
0:57:19johansson seems like she's a little gal
0:57:22she's she seems let me just look here
0:57:25she's all look at that she's now 1053
0:57:29gala gala plays agent hills a little
0:57:31more statuesque did the bad news bears
0:57:35have the effect on you that it had on me
0:57:38probably which is to say that there were
0:57:42there were things happening in that
0:57:43movie that were just a little bit
0:57:47out of my grasp and they made me afraid
0:57:53that movie made me afraid and also yearn
0:57:56for things i didn't i didn't know what i
0:58:00was doing all of you know what it is
0:58:02inevitable and yes it's the hallmark of
0:58:05like the late seventies my gosh I'm
0:58:08gonna fucking rabbit hole here it's a
0:58:10hallmark of the late seventies young
0:58:12person's movie whether that's breaking
0:58:14away whatever me uh the first movie I
0:58:16ever saw Diane laying in a little
0:58:18romance with mr. Laurence Olivier I had
0:58:21the hugest crush because about these
0:58:23kids who meet in Paris and fall in love
0:58:25and like 12 or 13 and i saw it was like
0:58:2810 or 11 so it's like you ever had that
0:58:30you're just filled with like easy kids
0:58:32at camp like you watch meatballs I'm
0:58:34like oh man I would love to meet a girl
0:58:36in shorts
0:58:37yeah well yes absolutely the interest
0:58:39but like so seductive Tatum O'Neal was
0:58:43that she I'm just realizing that there
0:58:48was a remake of bad news bears with some
0:58:53other people and yeah that's not what
0:58:56we're talking about but it we're talking
0:58:58about Walter Matthau Ricky take his
0:59:00fucking drinking beer because you're
0:59:02interfering the most rigorous but but
0:59:041000 neal had this worldliness that I
0:59:08knew I knew already in nineteen whatever
0:59:1370 like what the hell year was that that
0:59:17was a 77 his paper moon was like 73 she
0:59:22smokes in that and she's like 10 ok 76
0:59:25so Tatum O'Neal said your mother i sent
0:59:28you a link to some Jackie Earle Haley
0:59:29girls are checking out but like I knew
0:59:32in 1976 so I was eight in 76 and I knew
0:59:36that Tatum O'Neal in the bad news bears
0:59:39was not a virgin or maybe was still one
0:59:47but had been to third base and mental
0:59:48model for virginity when you were eight
0:59:52I was I'm so I was so worried you know
0:59:59that shit crossed
0:59:59that shit crossed
1:00:00some kind of she should cross the line
1:00:02and she had people she was like maybe
1:00:07maybe she's somebody touched her boobs
1:00:11and she was okay with it she wanted it
1:00:16to happen even and this is back when we
1:00:18both still worried about people being
1:00:20damaged goods right you what you worry
1:00:22about them a little bit
1:00:23well and and also like I had like I had
1:00:27engaged in a little bit of like you show
1:00:30me yours I'll show you mine and at one
1:00:34point out on the compost pile was in the
1:00:39process of doing a little you show me
1:00:44yours I'll show you mine with a couple
1:00:47of neighborhood girls when my mom came
1:00:54around the corner with a wheelbarrow
1:00:56full of compost of all the places and
1:01:04she said what are you kids doing get out
1:01:06of there
1:01:07this is why you hate farming it up and
1:01:10where everybody scattered oh and my mom
1:01:13wasn't mean about it she wasn't it
1:01:15wasn't you know she just that was from
1:01:17take a lot John I mean just just just
1:01:19her being there that those two worlds
1:01:21should not collide like oh I was covered
1:01:23in shame
1:01:23I was covered in shame and I did not
1:01:25know how you know and the thing about
1:01:29Tatum O'Neal and the and the kid with
1:01:33the dirt bike
1:01:34what's his name Jackie Earle Haley
1:01:35Jackie Earle Haley the thing about them
1:01:38is that they hadn't they clearly had no
1:01:41parental supervision or very little and
1:01:45I was worried that in order i think what
1:01:48it was I was worried that in order to to
1:01:51learn about sex and cross this is the
1:01:55Rubicon to be on the other side where
1:01:59that where where people were touching
1:02:01each other i was going to have to
1:02:04sacrifice my relationship with my mom
1:02:07you know what I mean like in the movies
1:02:10all the all the kids that were fast when
1:02:13you went to their house when the movie
1:02:15went to their house their mom was
1:02:16smoking cigarettes and was drunk in
1:02:18front of the TV or like you know a
1:02:21working mom single mom who's like always
1:02:24out selling real estate or whatever
1:02:26yeah but-but-but always liked the
1:02:28message in the movie was always that mom
1:02:30was self-involved or mean it was very
1:02:32seldom that she was a working mom who
1:02:35was harry reid and her kids were bad she
1:02:39was always a working mom who was like
1:02:40who was having an affair with her boss
1:02:43or like you know she was a she was a bad
1:02:46mom and so that's how these kids who had
1:02:49a who have hearts of gold but they were
1:02:51smoking cigarettes behind the school and
1:02:53they were they were feeling each other
1:02:55up and I didn't want to I didn't want to
1:03:00have to because you know my mom already
1:03:01worked a lot and I didn't want to have
1:03:05to lose the good relationship that we
1:03:08had with the little time that we had
1:03:11together in order to learn to be like a
1:03:17fast kid who liked head who had put his
1:03:21hand up a girl shirt and so I think in
1:03:23my mind somewhere i drew this
1:03:25i drew this line like I needed to be
1:03:28good and in order to be it was a little
1:03:31bit black-and-white in order to be good
1:03:33i needed to not wear it wasn't that I
1:03:36needed to but then I was never going to
1:03:38be
1:03:40the kid with the motorbike right and
1:03:42that's a that's a you know I could sit
1:03:46if if I could set my eight-year-old self
1:03:48down and talk to about this i would be
1:03:50arrested immediately for Pat for talking
1:03:53about sex with an eight-year-old because
1:03:55apparently that's illegal now let's not
1:03:57talk about time travel but who
1:03:59haha thats that back then it wasn't
1:04:03illegal back then you could have a kid
1:04:05go get a beer for you can make this time
1:04:07at the time now it's a oh boy that's a
1:04:10real my field was going to be frightened
1:04:12and I stopped but but it is i mean like
1:04:15i felt the same way my mom was real
1:04:18protective of me you know i think she's
1:04:20you know she had a lot of loss in her
1:04:22life and did not want to have me be lost
1:04:24to but like that made me more reluctant
1:04:27to like a until you know my mid-teen
1:04:31years to become a Hellion you know what
1:04:34I mean there's part of me that thinks
1:04:35like it's a good idea to like burning
1:04:37out of your system when your Tatum or
1:04:38Jackie aged like not but like in an
1:04:41environment that's safe like it should
1:04:42be some kind of like you know mall petri
1:04:45dish way to feel people up like he
1:04:47shouldn't have to like sneak out of the
1:04:48house when you're 17 and like you know
1:04:50go somewhere super foreign you don't
1:04:53mean it like that Italians having wine
1:04:54at dinner like it makes it takes away
1:04:56the stigma although the tragedy now is
1:04:59that whatever that was that I was seeing
1:05:02in Tatum O'Neal's eyes
1:05:04I mean what we know now about her
1:05:08relationship with her father ryan o'neal
1:05:09the alcoholic like their leader
1:05:14yeah terrible terrible but if there
1:05:16wasn't a fair beater
1:05:18what is the Faribault I was a hate it
1:05:20wasn't he
1:05:21unkind to Farrah Fawcett oh I think he
1:05:25was unkind everybody at the key I think
1:05:27he is legitimately abusive
1:05:30well she says here in her I'm not
1:05:31reading for Wikipedia in her
1:05:33autobiography O'Neill alleged that she
1:05:35was molested by her father's death
1:05:37dealer when she was 12 she also alleges
1:05:40physical and emotional abuse from her
1:05:41father much of which he attributed to
1:05:43drug use
1:05:44she detailed her own heroin addiction
1:05:48etc etc so whatever that worldliness
1:05:51that was being captured on film when she
1:05:53was 12 was in fact uh actual horror and
1:05:58just say Mackenzie Phillips Mackenzie
1:06:00Phillips another one and the lady was
1:06:03very attracted to for her parent
1:06:05worldliness who like you know had some
1:06:06problems
1:06:07yeah and maybe I was right as a kid to
1:06:10see that to see her a lure and also
1:06:15recognized that it was that it was a it
1:06:19was a tragedy or there was forbidden
1:06:21forbidden knowledge and that it's really
1:06:25the exploitative adults in 1976 who used
1:06:29that who use that brokenness in her eyes
1:06:32to captivate a generation of us young
1:06:36boys
1:06:37Wow boy I misbegotten youth might be
1:06:44done with the whole program now wuz wuz
1:06:46gud brokenness in her eyes
1:06:48shit um now what about Jodie Foster
1:06:52loved her you know
1:06:54remember the movie where she was
1:06:56remember that whole series of movies
1:06:57that would David Niven hang on a minute
1:07:00didn't she is one which is literally a
1:07:02minute limit is 1000 Neil the
1:07:04testimonial Jodie Foster in venues pairs
1:07:06was Tatum O'Neal and bad news bears
1:07:09history fostering the TV version is that
1:07:10wasn't thinking of I don't know what was
1:07:12their TV version Jodie Foster was in a
1:07:16movie with David Niven where she was an
1:07:17American girl who it turned out this is
1:07:21the great
1:07:21oh my god this this plotline big the
1:07:25very existence of this plotline ruined
1:07:27me as a child the knowledge that this
1:07:30type of thing was possible she was a
1:07:32like a ruffian an American Street
1:07:36ruffian little girl who it turns out is
1:07:40the heiress to some British you know
1:07:45sure her last surviving relative is the
1:07:47the Duchess of Cornwall or whatever and
1:07:52she flies over to England is living in a
1:07:53castle with David Niven and it's one of
1:07:58those culture clash things or she's like
1:08:01what you don't know how to play baseball
1:08:03smacking her gum and and monocle
1:08:09shatters yeah but uh but I said you know
1:08:12I saw that movie at at the exact wrong
1:08:16age that the totally impression elaj
1:08:18where I was like wait a minute are you
1:08:21two are you telling me that all i have
1:08:25to do is just be the all that's going to
1:08:31happen is somebody's gonna come knock on
1:08:32the door and be like hello
1:08:34we've come for the boy he's putting his
1:08:36last surviving son of the Duke of
1:08:38Cornwall what the Duke of bo was just a
1:08:42sauce
1:08:44imagine how your life would be different
1:08:46if you had David Niven for mentor I'd be
1:08:49such an asshole
1:08:53[Music]