0:00:00or don't get back
0:00:07hello
0:00:10I job hi Merlin has gone good i was just
0:00:15watching a gynecological comedy video
0:00:17for teen girls tampons tampons very
0:00:23important this is something I'm gonna
0:00:25have to learn more about don't forget
0:00:27dodged that bullet a little bit with
0:00:29those things you mean not being a girl
0:00:31yeah i think that every day b2b but but
0:00:36now that I have a daughter now I have to
0:00:38know things about things I don't know
0:00:40anything about it's so easy to fake it
0:00:43you know if you just get you know what I
0:00:46mean you don't need the most detailed
0:00:48topographical map to sound like you're a
0:00:50cartographer you know you know like a
0:00:54strong one
0:00:55you know the high land is high and the
0:00:57low lands are low i'll be in Scotland
0:00:59for you but I'm telling you now I'm
0:01:03gonna be no coverage is locked lemon but
0:01:06blocking open
0:01:08um you know my you know my experience of
0:01:12women's periods is coming to see you can
0:01:17you don't get to be my age without
0:01:18having some experiences caught riding
0:01:20dirty off of them
0:01:22oh my god first time ever don't you ever
0:01:25never hurt that I never die just little
0:01:28a coin that
0:01:29yeah but uh but I remember I remember
0:01:32the first time a guy told me in high
0:01:34school a guy you know confided in me
0:01:36that he had sex with a girl who was on
0:01:38her period and I was like what was that
0:01:41like
0:01:42and he said kind of just the same which
0:01:45meant nothing to me except it's like
0:01:48sandpapery oh it's like rather than its
0:01:52rough there's a lot of extra there's to
0:01:53try to us he didn't use that word but
0:01:55now that's what he meant there's you
0:01:57know there's flotsam and so I was I was
0:02:02afraid of it for a long time and then I
0:02:04learned not to be afraid
0:02:07but it's pretty I think it's that is the
0:02:09guy version of having a period
0:02:11I mean the first time it happens your
0:02:12little bit startled you could have heard
0:02:14about having a period is having sex with
0:02:16a girl on her period is not a menstrual
0:02:19scientist but I you know I think the
0:02:21first time you you get the you know you
0:02:24get the katana out of the she treats you
0:02:27know what I mean I you know what let's
0:02:29move on and I'm just glad I didn't let
0:02:33me hear it because i don't think i don't
0:02:35think the guy version don't think you
0:02:37can say that the equivalent of having a
0:02:40period for a guy is having sex with a
0:02:41girl on her period that would be gender
0:02:43normative I think big the equivalent
0:02:46what is the equivalent for example
0:02:48clarinet and I'm sitting right now
0:02:49trying to figure out what that is
0:02:51once a month the moon comes around like
0:02:54a big pizza pie
0:02:56thank you and something in your changes
0:02:59and suddenly you are not open to advice
0:03:04suddenly you are made 45 you are fine
0:03:09hot baths and yelling everything is fine
0:03:13I don't know that happens to me all the
0:03:15time hot bats and yelling that's she
0:03:18just just just drew two sides of my
0:03:22trying to force your parade but I you
0:03:25know it's not an equivalent but that's
0:03:26that's the challenge really i don't know
0:03:28i mean you know it's something like a
0:03:30wet dream that's kind of a whole
0:03:31different deal
0:03:31I've never had one of those never had
0:03:33one of my life you never had one either
0:03:35nope yeah i'm sure they exist i don't
0:03:38believe they exist you think it's like
0:03:40the female orgasm like a mass hysteria
0:03:42it yeah it's like it's like the g-spot
0:03:44is sometimes right is my masters and
0:03:47johnson it's like snipe hunting up it's
0:03:50like yeah it's like you take a girl down
0:03:52to watch the submarine races
0:03:53absolutely but i'm saying you okay you
0:03:56get a boner you're having a dream of of
0:03:59a sexy time check then you just like
0:04:01scum all over your bed
0:04:03it seems impossible
0:04:05I have to tell you I i am very reluctant
0:04:08you know what I'm an older man now and
0:04:10I'm not as embarrassed about as many
0:04:11things right
0:04:13I and I'm just here to tell ya maybe i
0:04:15just got me my timing was impeccable and
0:04:18my slugging percentage was high because
0:04:21i never have experienced that no so
0:04:25you're saying your timing was impeccable
0:04:26in the sense that you became a man and
0:04:30then you immediately your slugging
0:04:31percentages I you immediately started
0:04:33putting it into girls you never had a
0:04:35period where you were just lying around
0:04:37i said where I've never had a period but
0:04:40here's here's the thing I my thinking is
0:04:42maybe if the timeline had been just a
0:04:46little bit different and i had become
0:04:48self-educated a little bit later maybe I
0:04:52would have busted a pool but i have
0:04:54never I've never busted a pool and you
0:04:57know I was aware of
0:04:59obviously we were all aware of Playboy
0:05:01magazines a long time before we knew
0:05:03what anything was it to me it was like a
0:05:06socket wrenches didn't know what to do
0:05:08with a playboy it was like here it is
0:05:10it's you mean you look at cartoons my
0:05:12friend can flip into the boobies and is
0:05:13what you read the cartoon you know what
0:05:15to do with the Playboy when you're eight
0:05:16years old you hide it to read the state
0:05:18there is nothing to hide
0:05:20yes thank you know you shouldn't have
0:05:22and that that is sexually exciting but
0:05:25uh I became aware of dirty movies I've
0:05:29told you about visions sure if this is
0:05:32the you have the crazy is an anchorage
0:05:34yeah the effect the crazy the crazy the
0:05:37crazy table with the dishes and that the
0:05:39crazy cable with the dishes and I
0:05:41software might the first time a dirty
0:05:43movie called the great Texas dynamite
0:05:45chase and I told you about this movie if
0:05:49you have forgotten the great Texas
0:05:52dynamite chase was a movie that was the
0:05:55first time I ever saw boobs in motion
0:05:57idea what it was it was one of those
0:06:01seventies kind of soft-core porno
0:06:05cinemax yeah that tried to have a plot
0:06:08but also had simulated sexual encounters
0:06:12and it was about a guy say I'm i haven't
0:06:15seen this movie since I was 10 years old
0:06:17but it was about this
0:06:18give me the high level and it was about
0:06:20a guy who was kind of like a Luke Duke
0:06:23above maybe it's more of a bo duke he
0:06:26was one of the Duke brothers type of guy
0:06:28and he was on the lam from the cops and
0:06:32he picked up two hitchhikers in Daisy
0:06:34Duke shorts and they went on a bank
0:06:38robbing spree or something and the cops
0:06:40were chasing them and they were and they
0:06:42use dynamite dynamite was their weapon
0:06:45that's right in your wheelhouse say what
0:06:47it was I was so excited i'm watching you
0:06:51know I put the channel that change the
0:06:53channel into that in between two
0:06:54channels thing where the cable dirty
0:06:57movies came in uh-huh and and here's
0:07:00this movie where this guy is driving
0:07:01around with these two beautiful girls
0:07:02and they are blowing shit up right and
0:07:06left blowing up cop cars blowing up
0:07:08cabins and then and then they have
0:07:10simulated sex and I knew what I wanted
0:07:15to do as a grown-up you need the English
0:07:17guy with the SEC case of mosca it but it
0:07:20never happened for me exactly like that
0:07:22the way I've never seen that movie sense
0:07:25but I room it's burned into my head
0:07:28the great Texas dynamite chase I don't
0:07:29even I don't think it's like one of the
0:07:31great films i have but i haven't even
0:07:33got on netflix to see if it's there just
0:07:34netflix have dirty movies IE now in a
0:07:39nuanced way they don't they don't have
0:07:41like canonically dirty movies you know a
0:07:43lot of that stuff it's like the old
0:07:45kinescope so the doctor who's that they
0:07:46the doctor homes that they threw away
0:07:48like this last of you just can't get any
0:07:50more like rights iic for me
0:07:52we there was this this wonderful window
0:07:54next 82 or so I don't know how this
0:07:57happened cause we were not a wealthy
0:07:58family but we had cable with showtime
0:08:02and HBO I things like fifteen dollars a
0:08:03month right what happened to UNM TV
0:08:06yeah but I'm you know so you saw some
0:08:09simulated sex is most well yeah most
0:08:13importantly that is that's what you so
0:08:15much the stuff we talked about stuff to
0:08:17talk about everybody got burned on my
0:08:19brain that's where that's where stripes
0:08:22alright I'll show escape from new york
0:08:25likely have been hell I mean that all
0:08:26got so I alien-like movies i would just
0:08:29watched literally six times
0:08:30in a month circles they were they were
0:08:32just on instrumentation and then you
0:08:34know there's always that you know the
0:08:36joke like cinemax after dark or whatever
0:08:37but they're truly used to be something
0:08:38that was actually show time after dark
0:08:40but anyway the point was that there
0:08:41would be the kinds of movies are talking
0:08:43about and for me there my camera would
0:08:46pan down and they would be having the
0:08:48sex and they be panning down and you'll
0:08:49be like I'm about to see it i'm about to
0:08:52see some and then it would like to
0:08:54frustrate you
0:08:55yeah that would cut to like some flowers
0:08:57wilting in a meal like where's the
0:08:58dynamite you're like who's there who's
0:09:00the direct first of all who is our
0:09:01director he didn't know which he forgets
0:09:03seems like you need that needs to be if
0:09:06you're going to cut at least cut to a
0:09:08locomotive calamity that might as well
0:09:10have been get the flu like I know what's
0:09:12down there
0:09:13no that's the problem i'm like i'm going
0:09:15to see I'm gonna see a minute's like
0:09:17there's so many movies they make you
0:09:18watch in school but they're all like
0:09:20like lineart cross-sections it's like
0:09:22I've never seen a woman with like a
0:09:24cross-section fallopian tube and I
0:09:26couldn't locate that on a body you know
0:09:28what I mean all those reptilian oh now
0:09:30really because you know I was
0:09:32alternative rock I think you have to
0:09:34learn stuff but for the g-spots down the
0:09:37team know what I mean you're looking for
0:09:38a g-spot you find a bunch of other stuff
0:09:39that's a good point
0:09:41you know you know how there's the the
0:09:42bit like the the cliché in like
0:09:44standard shitty porn movies is like oh
0:09:47it's a pizza delivery man or the cable
0:09:49guy I'm here to fix dining table talking
0:09:51about cliche but that's I mean I think
0:09:53that's how have the babies are made in
0:09:54America still have you know it'sit's top
0:09:57turns out because of all the people
0:09:58canceling cable the birth rate is
0:10:00plummeting pizza not popular but I mean
0:10:04I hated to leave a diner gluten-free
0:10:07option but the the problem the way we
0:10:10are we are touching on a major problem
0:10:12for me in my mind which is that in you
0:10:14and I have both have this problem and
0:10:16you are in advance of me in being a
0:10:18father of a daughter and my whole life
0:10:22you know women have been the very
0:10:24confusing
0:10:25they've been some people that I admire
0:10:27they've been paid some people that I
0:10:30have at you know I haven't angle moments
0:10:32with talk they talk to some of them I
0:10:34talk to them occasionally they objectify
0:10:36them all the time
0:10:38and now I have a daughter and none of
0:10:42those methods i am I I have no interest
0:10:45in objectifying her
0:10:47I've struggled to talk to her still
0:10:49because she's too and that will get
0:10:51better but I'm which I shall talk more
0:10:54you know I look into the future her
0:10:57future as a as a young woman and then as
0:11:00an adult woman and I'm trying to
0:11:03struggling to try and and be try to
0:11:06figure out like what how I can help her
0:11:08do this and I'm it I'm scared to death
0:11:11I am too I am too bad i just closed the
0:11:15one threat so as pizza delivery is you
0:11:19actual shitty porn i think having some
0:11:22kind of a charity event is to cable port
0:11:25that's all I wanted to say this for me
0:11:26it was a movie i think i want to say i
0:11:28can find on IMDb i think it was called
0:11:30hots with like enter periods forgive my
0:11:33saying like mash this disaster risk and
0:11:36stood for it stood for ladies playing
0:11:40softball to save an orphanage or
0:11:42something
0:11:43jiggling and now here's the thing i am
0:11:48told you the story but when I'm when my
0:11:51mama lady got you know in that way her
0:11:54family through as a little yeah so what
0:11:56you got softball
0:11:57hi Daddy title we hear they threw us a
0:12:01wonderful baby shower up in rhode island
0:12:04and we went there was great and my one
0:12:06of my favorite family members my brother
0:12:08want one of my brother-in-law's this is
0:12:10standing outside the door he's already
0:12:11three sheets to the wind
0:12:12yeah he's like enjoy it while you can my
0:12:15cat hey John how's it going
0:12:16oh we walked up now he's awesome he's
0:12:19awesome he's like a successful lawyer
0:12:21and he does enjoy it while you can cause
0:12:24bleeding changes will she hits about 11
0:12:26with the sexting in the pictures and the
0:12:29snaps snaps snaps and an independent
0:12:32thing is though this guy is part of so
0:12:35my wife is the youngest of seven but
0:12:37like all of her older brothers and
0:12:39sisters you know and this is not about
0:12:40them
0:12:41this is about the Fleetwood
0:12:42magnification of the nineteen seventies
0:12:44they should all be fucking dead sure you
0:12:46guys are now worried about like taking
0:12:48photos of your couch
0:12:50yeah and they were permanently drunk
0:12:53driving through all of the seventies
0:12:54it's true but you don't remember about
0:12:56the seventies first of all there was 3.2
0:12:58beer second second quality a near beer
0:13:01the second of all the we the weed was a
0:13:04lot mellower was real serious some shake
0:13:07shit you know you'd roll up a big fat
0:13:09doobie weed smoke at all day and maybe
0:13:12you'd feel a little irie it's not like
0:13:15the hardcore today and I have never felt
0:13:17I read but you're absolutely right i
0:13:20mean how are you going to survive the 71
0:13:22like a absolutely i mean i feel like we
0:13:25really talked about dodging a bullet
0:13:26like you know we're from the time i
0:13:28don't know if it is at your school but
0:13:29it was when like around the time like my
0:13:31sophomore year drunk driving was like
0:13:34the cause celeb rather than drag like a
0:13:37like a like I hear they're short you got
0:13:39the dare
0:13:40but they would like you to be the big
0:13:41campaigns on on campus sure they bring a
0:13:44reference call her right right we had to
0:13:47like you know pea-like it out of this
0:13:49what was left of him you know but I'm
0:13:52serious it's anyway I I worry about that
0:13:55for them a selfish reason which is i'm
0:13:58not sure how I will handle it and yet I
0:14:00feel like you know there's not that much
0:14:02you can do about it you try to equip a
0:14:04kid to not be a dumb shit but you know
0:14:07but it isn't it ironic to me that this
0:14:09guy who's now an extremely successful
0:14:10personal liability lawyer is worried
0:14:13about my daughter's future when he was
0:14:15out there like literally drinking a case
0:14:18well i mean i'm going to equip my
0:14:20daughter with flamethrowers but but what
0:14:23I think that I think what worries us is
0:14:26that the lady the lady lamb though
0:14:28although although we were I mean in the
0:14:31seventies and eighties like consuming
0:14:33massive quantities of drugs and alcohol
0:14:36all the time and unsupervised Lee like
0:14:40driving muscle cars which you know that
0:14:44which cannot turn once they're moving in
0:14:47a straight line i was driving the muscle
0:14:50cars hundred twenty miles an hour with
0:14:51the headlights off and other wonderful
0:14:53things that characterize the eighties we
0:14:57were still all more or less in the dark
0:15:00about sex even after the sexual
0:15:02revolution i mean at least I feel like
0:15:04like we were much less aware of like the
0:15:12whole panoply of sex
0:15:16I certainly well maybe I'm just speaking
0:15:18from first personal experience not but
0:15:21lets the elephant in the room is herpes
0:15:23an 818 from the time from time junior
0:15:26herpes became a thing there they knew
0:15:29about when I was in like junior high and
0:15:31all you need to know about like I I feel
0:15:33like I think more about herpes and I
0:15:34knew about vaginas
0:15:35all I knew was there was this thing was
0:15:36going to happen to you they're gonna
0:15:38fuck you up for the rest of your life
0:15:39only now by the way aids right and
0:15:41herpes was herpes basically made a like
0:15:4410 really painful vaginas on your penis
0:15:48that was what herpes did it made little
0:15:51bit little little burning vaginas all
0:15:54over your holiday a deck i know and the
0:15:57maids and if it is gonna get no we
0:16:00didn't know what cost anyway I i agree
0:16:02with you it's another one of those
0:16:03things that like skipped a generation if
0:16:05you look at but the kids the kids with
0:16:06the pictures of their of their a of
0:16:08their nakedness well just let Stephen
0:16:11just say nakedness let's just say like
0:16:13like like even to even girls take
0:16:15teenage girls taking pictures of their
0:16:17brows like they take a selfie in a
0:16:19beginner I I mean this is not a thing
0:16:24that i am happy about as a father I
0:16:29wanna get I'm gonna be terrible at we
0:16:31were downtown last week and my daughter
0:16:32was wearing her spider-man hoodie and I
0:16:35corrected 3i angrily corrected three
0:16:37different people go
0:16:37hey spider-girl like fuck you it's
0:16:39spider-man ask all a spider's better
0:16:43girls awesome i will especially one
0:16:45better than the other but like but you
0:16:46know at least spider-woman like but like
0:16:48you know she's spider-man but let her be
0:16:50spider-man that's fine right stop being
0:16:52so gender normative is what your
0:16:54homemade t-shirt should say that's a
0:16:57question about selfies yes of course i
0:16:59know a lot about them ok there's a lot
0:17:00of pitches ladies taking pictures in the
0:17:03bathroom right
0:17:04why did they look at the screen instead
0:17:06of the lens they this is the
0:17:09it's just as you know they take because
0:17:11you know they're taking more than one
0:17:12you look at livejournal days you take
0:17:14six or 15 and you do the one with the
0:17:17least meet beard and that's the one you
0:17:19put up right so the fact that they're
0:17:21taking 10 probably but but like why
0:17:23can't you just get like tap to like it
0:17:24the focus and then look at the lens like
0:17:26a gentleman
0:17:27no but this is the problem because girls
0:17:28of that generation if they look at
0:17:30themselves in the mirror they
0:17:31automatically make a duck face and so
0:17:35you don't want a duck face picture no
0:17:37matter what and so looking at the
0:17:39looking at the little screen seeing
0:17:41yourself at one remove your like somehow
0:17:45it breaks the duckface spell it's if I
0:17:49were the kind of person that's still
0:17:50read roll-on borrow like I would think
0:17:53about this a lot because like the whole
0:17:56act of taking a photo of yourself in a
0:17:59mirror like as a thing I mean you can
0:18:01almost like you could take 500 selfies
0:18:04adjust them for size and they would
0:18:06basically be exactly the same silhouette
0:18:07you don't mean they look pretty much
0:18:09exactly the same except my cosplay of
0:18:12the boobs and they're always looking at
0:18:14the screen
0:18:15yeah my feeling about my feeling about
0:18:17selfies taken out of context is that
0:18:22they're meaningless out of context and
0:18:24that in fact the point of a selfie is
0:18:27never the photograph itself but it is it
0:18:32is how it is that it is happening in
0:18:34real time and that the person it who is
0:18:37sending you this picture you know is at
0:18:40that moment somewhere across town or
0:18:42across the world getting naked for you
0:18:45now
0:18:46oh it's intimate and timely right so so
0:18:50the picture itself is kind of us the
0:18:52it's what if you go back and look at
0:18:55them later
0:18:56it's like oh this is actually kind of
0:18:57not a very good picture and that's kinda
0:19:01now it's not happening when you're
0:19:03turning in your papers late
0:19:05we're like it's a kind of way of saying
0:19:07like yeah but you don't mean like I
0:19:09think it's a form of procrastination
0:19:10where you could say like well I could
0:19:12have done better if I had another week
0:19:14but I did it all like it as an
0:19:16all-nighter in this case when I was in a
0:19:18fucking bathroom of course I look like
0:19:20that
0:19:20yeah but i but I really think like in
0:19:22the mo
0:19:23moments in the immediate moment of a
0:19:25sexual exchange / texting
0:19:28the point is just that the point is that
0:19:30it is a form of communication not an
0:19:33actual form of pornography which is why
0:19:36taking those pictures out of context and
0:19:39sharing them on 4chan is like you still
0:19:44looking at that is his to I mean I have
0:19:47to I have to maintain my relationships
0:19:49with my online community this is your P
0:19:52towns in Alcatraz there because well
0:19:55it's not just there's the star trek
0:19:57forums it's a lot of forums i have to
0:19:59you know it's takes up half my day some
0:20:03little bit of light consulting for an
0:20:05independent record label a few years ago
0:20:07interesting one of the things that I
0:20:09said to them was at the time when
0:20:11something like this would sound slightly
0:20:12profound and rather than just merely
0:20:14obvious today which is that to
0:20:15understand most people on the internet
0:20:18it's it's useful to understand
0:20:20instead of thinking about things in
0:20:21terms of like what it is you have to
0:20:22sell it's useful to remember that
0:20:24everybody out there is grooming a new
0:20:26version of their personality in real
0:20:28time in front of people that the it you
0:20:31know in order to really understand like
0:20:33how people use the internet or with the
0:20:34time myspace was really big
0:20:36you can get those horrible pages with
0:20:37the flashing things and the dancing
0:20:39bananas and all of that and every single
0:20:41bit of bling on that page was about a
0:20:44brand association of some kind it was
0:20:46about any of it wasn't like coca-cola it
0:20:48was a way of saying i align myself with
0:20:50this and it's like how do you how do you
0:20:52make yourself kind of person on the kind
0:20:54of company that somebody would want to
0:20:55align themselves with and I believe that
0:20:57more than every day it's like there's so
0:20:58much branding and you know itself is a
0:21:01good way to brand just saying I today I
0:21:04you know I'm looking for an old suburban
0:21:07this is Ida sake is like a wet out
0:21:12no you know what is really really shy
0:21:17right now I'm looking for a guy with the
0:21:18rake and my friend you're mrs. Nelson
0:21:24and I commitment
0:21:25no I've decided you know I've been
0:21:27looking at classic cars on the internet
0:21:29for 15 years before there even was an
0:21:31internet and and I realized the other
0:21:34day
0:21:35driving down the road somewhere in some
0:21:37rental car and some guy blew past me in
0:21:40a you know an austin-healey and I said
0:21:44I'm not getting any younger
0:21:47like I am already over the threshold
0:21:49where it's over i'm no longer a young
0:21:52guy in a hot car i'm i'm already a
0:21:55middle-aged guy in a hot car and I don't
0:21:57even have a hot car yet and what I don't
0:22:00want to be is one of these guys ahead
0:22:02little you know that that looks like a
0:22:07looks like what's the guy that says
0:22:09diabeetus but that's not what is a
0:22:12little friendly well for Brimley I don't
0:22:14like Wilford Brimley in a in a hot car
0:22:16you see those guys all the time where
0:22:19you are driving up here like wow nice
0:22:20camaro and then you can set its a 76
0:22:23year old guy with diabetes and like
0:22:27you're gonna die in that car so you know
0:22:32because you keep I keep because of
0:22:33because it grew up in that era I keep
0:22:36thinking that the only guys driving
0:22:38around in in cars with Cragar rims or
0:22:41like like any kind of car with SS on the
0:22:45back you're going to get up next to him
0:22:46it's going to be a guy with the duck
0:22:47tail and a pack of cigarettes rolled
0:22:50that's going to be Harrison Ford or
0:22:51possibly Matthew McConaughey yeah right
0:22:53and then you get a hit up next to him
0:22:55it's all these days just decaying
0:22:58corpses
0:22:59I don't want to be that guy but I've
0:23:01been looking at classic cars for so long
0:23:03like I've lost have somehow lost the
0:23:05ability to choose so I decided the other
0:23:08day I want a classic suburban those
0:23:12things are so big big four-wheel-drive
0:23:14suburban and write my taste in suburban
0:23:18is very specific i want a
0:23:20three-quarter-ton superb and I'm not
0:23:21going to bore you with this mono I want
0:23:23to hear three-quarter-ton
0:23:24four-wheel-drive suburban between the
0:23:28years I mean there's and there's two
0:23:30different body styles i like the the
0:23:33late sixties early seventies Suburbans
0:23:35just that you found a hobby they only
0:23:37have three doors but it's been three
0:23:39very cool doors and then I also like
0:23:41that the the mid-seventies Suburbans the
0:23:43first ones i found what 7279
0:23:46anyway the problem with loving these
0:23:48cars is that they were flogged to death
0:23:51by people you know like you didn't buy
0:23:55one of these suburban and polish it and
0:23:57keep it in your garage you went and
0:23:59joined the Forest Service or you went
0:24:02and took it to to treat it nom like it
0:24:06worked a treat nam-gu went to out to
0:24:09fucking nowhere land and but you can use
0:24:11it for real actual stuff would really
0:24:13use it for real actual stuff and then
0:24:15the thing would the at the exact moment
0:24:17that the rust ate it from within
0:24:19it also would fall apart from outside
0:24:21and it would just be a pile of dust so
0:24:24there are very few of these things left
0:24:25all by way of saying today I was sitting
0:24:29at home and I was like I wonder if
0:24:31somebody just owns the URL old suburban
0:24:33dot-com and so I typed in old suburban
0:24:38dot-com because I am an old man i didn't
0:24:41put in up to the URL bar I actually
0:24:44typed old suburban dot-com into google
0:24:46and uh and the first couple of sites
0:24:51that came up that weren't pay
0:24:53advertisements i clicked on the first
0:24:55one and it took me to a site that had
0:24:58not been updated since 2000 1000
0:25:01literally had dancing bananas
0:25:04wow you finally had time capsule and
0:25:06like little flat like little animated
0:25:09flash it's a last updated on the page it
0:25:12did was it said like you know this site
0:25:14was constructed in june of 1999 last
0:25:17updated her looks down at the bottom
0:25:19yeah little counter and if the site was
0:25:22so hard so hard to even be there was it
0:25:28was it was it wasn't just that it was
0:25:30hard to navigate or understand it was
0:25:33impossible to do either thing but it was
0:25:35hard even to be there with all these
0:25:36little things moving and the cool-blue
0:25:39little hole little question marks and
0:25:42things written in complexing lights
0:25:44under construction
0:25:45yeah and it was it was like oh shit
0:25:46that's right that used to be the
0:25:49internet everywhere you went
0:25:50I always figured figured that if I have
0:25:52really I i get involved in this site
0:25:54because I find it hard to look at too
0:25:55not just visually but like my mind races
0:25:57because i'm a story guy like there's
0:25:59always I mean
0:26:00the story so first of all I figure the
0:26:01person's dead right and nobody it's
0:26:03probably like an act like a university
0:26:05account like it's taking up almost no
0:26:07space there's zero bandwidth and like
0:26:10it's like you know at Ile de suburban
0:26:12guy PhD and you know he's been dead he's
0:26:15been dead from heart disease since nine
0:26:17eleven like nobody-nobody is updating
0:26:19the site and its and i always think of
0:26:21like oh my god I'm gonna find typos and
0:26:23there's gonna be no way to fix them
0:26:24it's it up it's a horrible horrible
0:26:26feeling our next door neighbor when I
0:26:28was a kid had a suburban and it and this
0:26:32is that we had a house you know this is
0:26:34in the seventies it was an old house but
0:26:36like this thing barely fit in the
0:26:37driveway it was so good
0:26:39yeah yeah it was it was all it was
0:26:41almost like a bus
0:26:42yeah Mike my friend Kevin had a suburban
0:26:44in the very early eighties and it was
0:26:47school bus yellow and he was just a
0:26:51little teenage kid units to 16 year old
0:26:54kid and we would go out in that suburban
0:26:57and he had by the time he was 16 years
0:27:00old he had such control over this
0:27:02vehicle we would be speeding along down
0:27:07the street in Anchorage and they would
0:27:09have pleaded they would have kind of
0:27:10plowed the snow into a center berm that
0:27:13sometimes was four feet tall snow
0:27:15between the lanes of traffic and Kevin
0:27:18could you know at 60 miles an hour
0:27:21pop the suburban up high Center it on
0:27:26this snow berm kick on the summer you
0:27:31know it had the the emergency brake was
0:27:33it was a pedal on my where would be
0:27:35where clutch would be right on the
0:27:37emergency brake and flip the suburban
0:27:40around like it was pure wedding like a
0:27:43ballerina all four tires
0:27:46you know going in different directions
0:27:48and he could balance the suburban on its
0:27:51front bumper
0:27:52he wasn't he was incredible in this
0:27:54truck and I remember writing you know in
0:27:57the passenger seat and this was before
0:27:59any of us ever wore seat belts either so
0:28:01we're sliding around like ball bearings
0:28:04and just thinking like this is the
0:28:07greatest it is great to be an American
0:28:10this is the greatest time to be alive
0:28:12we are listening to the Scorpions we are
0:28:15driving the suburban it and and no one
0:28:19can stop us we are we are driving the
0:28:21suburban like the Millennium Falcon and
0:28:25I think it's stuck in me and now I'm
0:28:26having a midlife crisis nama in my
0:28:28forties and i wanted i want to get that
0:28:31suburban exactly that suburban and just
0:28:34drive around this is your lolita it is
0:28:37my lowly I want that big freaking truck
0:28:39this you know this is something I was to
0:28:43the gallon of all the idiotic things
0:28:45that you could do and there are really
0:28:46literally so many this is a good one
0:28:48i mean it's it's probably pretty safe
0:28:50for his for a car from the seventies I'm
0:28:53not gonna run right here this is the GMC
0:28:55carryall i love this level but the
0:28:58problem is there's a lot of
0:28:59two-wheel-drive ones out there and I
0:29:01don't want two wheel drive truck can get
0:29:03a six
0:29:04well you get a v8 in this oh yeah oh
0:29:07brother you can option those already
0:29:09speed manual four-speed manual power
0:29:11glide and turbo hydra-matic I just want
0:29:13to put the turbo hydra-matic at that
0:29:14sounds nice so nice transmission I gotta
0:29:17say this thing is gorgeous you should
0:29:19John you should do it i can't just give
0:29:20you a suggestion
0:29:21yeah two directions not number number
0:29:23two you just get a suburban I mean it
0:29:25can't cost that much you know if it
0:29:27doesn't work out get another one right
0:29:28now you're right you're right
0:29:29the other 1i number 1 i've talked about
0:29:31this my friend chris from college had an
0:29:33austin-healey sprite you know you would
0:29:35look great
0:29:36you would look so large an austin-healey
0:29:38sprite yeah you know I'm actually
0:29:40partial to the big he leaves rather than
0:29:42the little healing is a model and that
0:29:44would be what he called you know that
0:29:45you like the 100 put in as almost you
0:29:49died in where he died in Paul McCartney
0:29:51die thought you died in a Volkswagen
0:29:52Beetle please mind the core native would
0:29:55have been yeah okay
0:29:57God these are handsome cars yeah they
0:29:59are and the big Healy's are are like
0:30:01their proper like a sprite i think i
0:30:05would it would be a little clown car but
0:30:07a big deal i would be I'd be feeling
0:30:09very strongly like it was like being in
0:30:11a mountain dew can one time and sarah
0:30:13said we're at a light and and we're
0:30:15lower than like a driver side window and
0:30:18increased says a you see that yamaha
0:30:19over there
0:30:20oh yeah I guess that's got a bigger
0:30:22engine this haha
0:30:24and and the the big healing though we
0:30:26don't start it we can just push start at
0:30:27any time they have any here they have
0:30:30like six cylinder motors and they're
0:30:31still not that bigger car but they're so
0:30:33like they're so deadly
0:30:35yeah they don't all have six cylinder
0:30:36but that but anyway those cars now are
0:30:39priced like ice I was driving down the
0:30:42road not very long ago and I saw kid who
0:30:45had to be in high school still 17 years
0:30:48old driving an austin-healey 3000 with
0:30:53his high school girlfriend sitting next
0:30:55to him and their hair blowing in the
0:30:57wind and you know that his father is
0:31:00some kind of criminal defense attorney
0:31:03or worse and they live in a big house
0:31:06with a water ski boat parked out front
0:31:09because it's a little waterfront house
0:31:11and he's driving this austin-healey to
0:31:12town because his dad threw the keys and
0:31:15said you know go crazy junior prom or
0:31:18whatever and I really wanted to run this
0:31:20kid off the road it it it just wasn't
0:31:24right
0:31:24it was thinking that frustrating some
0:31:2690210 shit that shouldn't happen in
0:31:29seattle and typically I don't allow it
0:31:32but yeah you know I think that's the
0:31:34kind of thing you should you should you
0:31:35should be on top of that there's a I you
0:31:37know had you know John trying to grow as
0:31:39a person and I'm stamp set aside I say I
0:31:44say leave it to the shot in Florida
0:31:45leash a little bit but dad there's a
0:31:49tumblr i follow called i think it's
0:31:51called rich kids on Instagram actually
0:31:54sent somebody sent me a link to that
0:31:56back when I was I was I was making it my
0:31:59thing to tweet everyone 'so i like
0:32:00nobody has it easy it
0:32:04life life is hard for everybody like
0:32:06stop stop thinking that anybody is right
0:32:09everyone has their reasons
0:32:11everybody's got up everybody wakes up in
0:32:13the morning goes global here we go
0:32:16and a lot of people were we're really
0:32:19pushing back on this idea like no you're
0:32:22wrong there are people that have it easy
0:32:24and I was like no there aren't like like
0:32:28like Eric Clapton son fell out of his
0:32:31hotel window right like everybody's got
0:32:34a tragedy
0:32:36and just being rich doesn't solve
0:32:38anything and people were like no
0:32:40bullshit and I got set a lot of links to
0:32:43this rich Kidz tumblr which kids on
0:32:47instagram tumblr where they're all these
0:32:49you know smug little twerps taking
0:32:52pictures of themselves and their dad's
0:32:53plane and I and I i spent a 20 minutes
0:32:59on that thing and i was like i never saw
0:33:00so many miserable people in my life
0:33:02yeah I mean it's like these kids like
0:33:05check out my watch or whatever and like
0:33:07oh my god you can
0:33:08yeah i saw today we're in three watches
0:33:10yet there are few things in life more
0:33:14lonely than being unsympathetic well no
0:33:20I mean I'm being honest it's that's the
0:33:22problem
0:33:23that's exactly what the problem is is
0:33:25you would hesitate to go well I
0:33:26playgroups it's true it sucks to be
0:33:28unsympathetic it's called a first-world
0:33:30problem or white wine like know
0:33:32everybody does have the problem that i'm
0:33:33trying to side with the bro last guy to
0:33:36white wine whi and he is and not mine
0:33:39that's not mine
0:33:40white wine pretty good huh or they
0:33:43really um I saw one of a guy I think it
0:33:47was a selfie or maybe he had his his
0:33:49black man take it for him but it was him
0:33:51in bed with three different bottles of
0:33:54like like magnums of costly brands of
0:33:58champagne like you don't need to get a
0:34:00fake nap with them
0:34:01oh yeah yeah oh yeah he's having a great
0:34:03time back guys ladies really he's doing
0:34:06nothing wrong with that guy could not be
0:34:08solved by a couple good ass kickings oh
0:34:10yeah i mean i can't help but think that
0:34:13that there is no one on Instagram that
0:34:17is really living a good life i tried it
0:34:20try to create it like now when I tried
0:34:23it twice
0:34:23I tried twice rate that you can see also
0:34:25independent label consulting like it boy
0:34:29talk about like a tradition of your life
0:34:31I mean how many be saturated pictures of
0:34:34birds on a telephone wire do we need
0:34:36wow I'm increasingly feeling like I've
0:34:41always felt like I lived somewhat in a
0:34:43ghetto of a certain kind of people a
0:34:47certain kind of thinker being like
0:34:50associated with the university wearing a
0:34:55guitar well after you are a problem but
0:34:58but now my life on the internet I I'm
0:35:02really seeing the borders of it and
0:35:05realizing that
0:35:07oh I'm not sure that this i'm not sure
0:35:10that this is the enlightened and
0:35:13beautiful capital of of futuretown that
0:35:18everybody here thinks it is it feels a
0:35:21little bit it feels like a bunch of as
0:35:27kurt vonnegut said a bunch of bacteria
0:35:31drowning in their own shit and and not
0:35:36realizing that they're making champagne
0:35:37i don't i don't know if if if the
0:35:44internet is positive
0:35:48Merlin don't know this but i don't i'm
0:35:50not sure right now if it is positive
0:35:52they did it and that is if you'll
0:35:55forgive me a net positive but it is a
0:35:57net positive I've got my eye I imagine
0:36:00the internet the first time I heard
0:36:03about it back in the late eighties write
0:36:06songs about in 2008 you told me about
0:36:08you to use you specifically told me
0:36:10about the actual internet in 2008 but
0:36:12when somebody when when when somebody
0:36:15first whispered in my ear
0:36:16the idea of the internet you know I
0:36:20imagine just as every futurist imagined
0:36:24like the sum total of human knowledge
0:36:26right I a free and completely free and
0:36:31neutral space where everywhere
0:36:34intelligences can mix with one another
0:36:37unencumbered by their life like their
0:36:40physical attributes are unencumbered by
0:36:43their class electron but a library like
0:36:46it would be this completely blank space
0:36:48where it is pure
0:36:49white desert where like like it could
0:36:52all be fresh and new and intelligent
0:36:54right tron library
0:36:57exactly and now it seems more like kind
0:37:04of a swap meet at an old drive in the
0:37:08head
0:37:09it's like a cubit rectory a swap meet an
0:37:13old driving where there are a lot of
0:37:14people playing like a three-card Monte
0:37:16and and yet also there's like that that
0:37:22hovering a billboard the the flying
0:37:25billboard from Blade Runner maybe like
0:37:27Minority Report like all the ads are
0:37:29yelling at you can yeah the the ads are
0:37:31yelling at you that's right that's
0:37:32exactly you have a sense of I think this
0:37:34is a very interesting thing up
0:37:35although we try to avoid talking about
0:37:37the internet what was there something
0:37:39specific that you came across well
0:37:43certain movement
0:37:45I think it's the I think it's a little
0:37:47bit it's like the yelling chamber like I
0:37:50feel it in your and my conversations in
0:37:53the sense that i have i have always been
0:37:58I've always self-identified as a radical
0:38:00but I've also always been very impatient
0:38:04of the kind of like the kind of
0:38:10institutional radicalism that
0:38:13characterizes the left right so so you
0:38:15you want to disassociate yourself with
0:38:18people on the Left who are saying that
0:38:20we you know that that cutter that
0:38:25Christopher Columbus's it was it was a
0:38:27genocide of maniac or whatever you want
0:38:30to say alright alright alright alright
0:38:31we weave weave all we've all read it but
0:38:35it doesn't make it true because somebody
0:38:37wrote it and like that that kind of that
0:38:42kind of like the the hyper righteousness
0:38:48of the edge does a lot of it does a lot
0:38:52of work of pushing the boundary but it
0:38:53also do values the inside you know the
0:38:57the middle fringe
0:39:00which you know which is actually like
0:39:02getting work done but the problem now is
0:39:04that that on the internet if you if you
0:39:08take a stand anywhere against the fringe
0:39:15you are positive immediately as a member
0:39:17of the opposite fringe you know where
0:39:20there's no like the nuances getting
0:39:21beaten out of everywhere except in these
0:39:24little pockets like like you like on
0:39:27Matt Howie's site or whenever there are
0:39:28places where people are talking but they
0:39:32increasingly feel like little domes of
0:39:35silence where like a very few people
0:39:38walk in they check their their swords
0:39:41and their pistols at the door and they
0:39:43say for the amount of further for the
0:39:45time that i'm going to be here
0:39:47I agree to these rules of decorum and i
0:39:50agree not to tell not to call anyone a
0:39:52Hitler or a baby raper not to write in
0:39:55all caps and i'm going to do and i'm
0:39:57going to agree to that here while i'm
0:39:59here in this protected space but the
0:40:01rest of the top the rest of the internet
0:40:04and everywhere you go
0:40:05because because you you follow a news
0:40:07story you end up on a new site it's
0:40:10talking about you know all this funny
0:40:13lady she rescues bats for a living and
0:40:18you're like I watched the video and this
0:40:19lady is rescuing bats how cute
0:40:22then you scroll them you make the
0:40:23mistake of scrolling down and the first
0:40:25comment says if it wasn't for Obamacare
0:40:28bats wouldn't get sick
0:40:29nice bat your shirt from gap was made by
0:40:32children and they might be just and then
0:40:35you check-in there's 1500 comments down
0:40:37on thumb and your hand and you just feel
0:40:40like there is unless i am prepared to go
0:40:44into an ivory tower somewhere on the
0:40:47internet to talk to people
0:40:49there's nowhere to be where where it
0:40:54isn't just what we're not so you're not
0:40:58oscillating between like clickbait news
0:41:00item pop-up ad people screaming at each
0:41:04other about at ignorant people screaming
0:41:07ignorantly at one another and and making
0:41:09people ignorant
0:41:11yeah and i added about you have to be in
0:41:13that is the that's kind of the cover
0:41:17charge to come in that's like that's
0:41:19like that's like the two asshole minimum
0:41:21like to get in you've got to be willing
0:41:23to get involved in that particular way
0:41:27and the subtlety subtleties just not
0:41:29possible but what I found was I was
0:41:31walking down the street my normal in
0:41:33normal life and I was kind of wrestling
0:41:37with these questions they were wrestling
0:41:40with feeling like I was at the age of 44
0:41:44i was at a point in my own life where
0:41:47we're a natural kind of conservatism is
0:41:54starting to enter my thinking you know
0:41:57the the famous adage of like if you're
0:42:00not a liberal when you're a young man
0:42:01you have no heart and if you're not a
0:42:03conservative when you're an old man you
0:42:05have no brain Churchill thank you
0:42:07and so this natural kind of conservatism
0:42:12that comes into your life when you're in
0:42:14your mid forties where you just have
0:42:16seen enough and you look around you go
0:42:20yeah alright kid but but really here's
0:42:24how life works and you know it you start
0:42:26to you start to feel like you're you're
0:42:30not willing anymore to be imposed upon
0:42:33so much you start to appreciate a little
0:42:37bit of quiet and a little bit of comfort
0:42:39I start to shake my fist at people who
0:42:41stereos are too loud
0:42:43it's a it's a kind of it's a kind of
0:42:45quality of middle-aged that I think you
0:42:49need to resist you need to resist the
0:42:53this inexorable ility of of feeling like
0:42:59building up a tolerance fence and as I'm
0:43:03talking to myself and I'm resisting my
0:43:06own my own natural serve trend to
0:43:10personal conservatism
0:43:13I'm I'm feeling the templates of the
0:43:16internet in my mind and I'm arguing with
0:43:20myself in the voice of these internet
0:43:24templates and I kind of jump back out of
0:43:29myself and I say I reject this I reject
0:43:32this model I am NOT it is it it is not a
0:43:37simple matter of either being like uh
0:43:42you you cannot accuse everyone of
0:43:45classism or racism or sexism who doesn't
0:43:51conform to the most radical
0:43:52interpretation of any scenario there is
0:43:56a middle that is that is like really
0:44:02where we should all aspire to be and a
0:44:06and I just so I heard the internet
0:44:08ringing in my ears as I'm walking along
0:44:10trying to navigate my own my own in my
0:44:15own aging and I went oh there's it's a
0:44:19bad influence
0:44:21like legit like it'sit's unintentionally
0:44:26kind of slightly reshaped your the way
0:44:30you frame these things you think about
0:44:32these things
0:44:33well I I feel like if because because
0:44:36given that template that the term
0:44:37templates or is a really interesting
0:44:39idea cuz what is a template template is
0:44:41an easy way to get started on something
0:44:42that could be complicated and and the
0:44:44more you use that template over and over
0:44:46and and you know let's be honest you and
0:44:48you people here using that template or
0:44:50just using that that form a lot it's you
0:44:52know it's not unusual at all I mean if
0:44:54you go if you go off for a weekend with
0:44:55your buddies and start seeing you know
0:44:57cocksucker motherfucker a lot over and
0:44:59over and over like you keep saying that
0:45:01for a day or two after you come home
0:45:03that's right i mean you go to another
0:45:04country you can you you start picking up
0:45:06the language again that you didn't know
0:45:08you even remembered so I mean if we
0:45:10spend 6 to 14 hours a day in that land
0:45:15of templates it's not unusual at all
0:45:17that to find ourselves doing that are
0:45:19thinking oh this is a thing I should
0:45:20photograph and post will be another
0:45:21example I mean you know a lot more
0:45:23lightweight example but rusted starting
0:45:25to change the way we think a little bit
0:45:26yeah then you don't see things except in
0:45:28terms of all I wish I had my camera i
0:45:31wish i could photograph that post but
0:45:33but more importantly I feel like I feel
0:45:35like people are not rewarded in on the
0:45:39internet they are not rewarded for
0:45:41having middle-middle opinions middlebrow
0:45:46views or middle middle work opinions you
0:45:51know no one is rewarded for compromise
0:45:54or for trying to see both sides of the
0:45:58story that is a thing that we all agree
0:46:00the person that's like can't we all get
0:46:02along or let's let's look at both sides
0:46:04of this that person is shouted down
0:46:06immediately and it and the effectiveness
0:46:09with them always the most interesting
0:46:11part think about literature think about
0:46:12my energy I'm sorry but like any
0:46:14literature movies anything the most
0:46:16interesting part is always that surprise
0:46:18of like a character somebody who learns
0:46:20a little bit about themselves and that's
0:46:22what a story is a story is something
0:46:24started here and ended there and we
0:46:26learned something about the character of
0:46:27the person by how they handled an
0:46:28impossible challenge and sometimes that
0:46:30means really changing your idea about
0:46:32something that that's what a story is
0:46:34the only king olaf's brand in any the to
0:46:37be the person who is like who the the
0:46:41character in a novel who is for the most
0:46:43part totally disagreeable maybe even
0:46:46evil but they have a redeeming quality
0:46:50and that's enough
0:46:51you know that's often enough to make a
0:46:53story and to make a and to make the
0:46:58world go round almost and I and I feel
0:47:00like I feel like what what the internet
0:47:02is doing is it is it is rewarding people
0:47:05for extremism in very subtle ways and it
0:47:10is depriving people of the natural
0:47:13reward they should be feeling when they
0:47:17say hey actually I kind of see both
0:47:19sides of this and in the past like
0:47:23that's how civilization got built people
0:47:25would get to a certain age they go
0:47:26actually I kind of see the other side a
0:47:28little bit now and everyone who everyone
0:47:31would stroke their chins and take
0:47:32another puff on their pipes
0:47:34and maybe they would resolve that
0:47:37property difference or maybe they would
0:47:38resolve the the you know the question of
0:47:42whether the beer is 22 hobby or whatever
0:47:45it is the problem that primitive people
0:47:47had and now we're where we've created
0:47:50this place where it's like this is where
0:47:52we're going to invest our time this is
0:47:54where we're going to invest our
0:47:55intellectual energy and and the
0:48:00combination of anonymity and the and
0:48:04distance from one another no physical
0:48:06consequences no risk of a punch in the
0:48:08nose
0:48:09we're creating a human environment where
0:48:13radicalism is rewarded and that is gonna
0:48:16have disastrous consequences
0:48:19I i agree and part of the problem and I
0:48:23will literally beg yeah that's get me
0:48:26started on this but that extremism and
0:48:30that radicalism the problem with that is
0:48:32that it doesn't have a cost and so I've
0:48:35been taken to task by many many
0:48:37good-hearted people for saying that like
0:48:39Martin Luther King would never have had
0:48:42an impact if he if he said I mean
0:48:43fucking Cheetos and typing on Twitter or
0:48:45asking people support his fucking fun
0:48:47run it out there and he threw himself
0:48:49you know on the levers for you so well
0:48:52yeah I mean that's I mean and that is
0:48:55another kind of extremity but i'll just
0:48:56take the one tiny point that will be
0:48:58hopefully tweetable is is that the the
0:49:01problem with the ex extremism and
0:49:03radicalism is it doesn't cost anything
0:49:06yeah and you still get to get your
0:49:07ribbon for being the fucking you know
0:49:09che guevara a hundred and forty
0:49:11characters even though you haven't
0:49:12really done anything and and you get to
0:49:15sit there and then now you get to be
0:49:16some kind of like a sniper character
0:49:19trying to like pluck out people on the
0:49:21other side of the of the DMZ who don't
0:49:24agree with you and any say entrenched
0:49:27and there's nothing to be gained by
0:49:29either developing a more nuanced or
0:49:31intelligent argument and like the kind
0:49:34of problem that used to be mostly
0:49:35restricted to pro wrestling and congress
0:49:38now goes everywhere because if this
0:49:40permanent state of identifying and
0:49:43getting this personal branding I hate
0:49:44that word but it's true
0:49:46it's kind of personal branding based on
0:49:47which kind of sniper you've decided to
0:49:49be and who you decided to pick off and
0:49:51who you high-five for get a shot off
0:49:53well and it is a fucking thing I've
0:49:56found just personally I've noticed that
0:49:59it d values to the those instances where
0:50:05set where somebody does really jump up
0:50:07and say something radical because
0:50:10they're immediately like dismissed as a
0:50:13troll
0:50:14so just personally I'm i am at a turning
0:50:21point in my life where I am having to
0:50:23say to myself on a kind of daily basis
0:50:27there is there there's all the everyday
0:50:30there's some reason why I feel like what
0:50:36I feel like the easy path in middle age
0:50:42is to confirm stereotypes confirm biases
0:50:49I feel like I feel like your experience
0:50:53your heart your hard-won experience
0:50:55allows you to not you know not be
0:51:03tolerant i guess and that that the
0:51:09u-turn a certain point no matter what
0:51:12your your proclivities are where you
0:51:15feel like I don't want to be I don't
0:51:17want to be taken advantage of any more I
0:51:20don't want to be a Rube I'm I don't want
0:51:22to be a fool and that inevitably causes
0:51:26a certain hard name you no longer give
0:51:29money to panhandlers where you once did
0:51:31you no longer roll your window down to a
0:51:34guy running up on the street with a
0:51:36broken fan belt you know it's a it's a
0:51:39it's a it's a gradual process i haven't
0:51:43I i have done nothing but laugh in the
0:51:45face of anyone who approaches me holding
0:51:48a fan belt for 15 years but but
0:51:53increasingly like a this is this kind of
0:51:58this battle and fighting against myself
0:52:00in in the just the kind of creeping
0:52:04transition toward comfort away from
0:52:08struggle and and struggle rewards you in
0:52:15ways that comfort cannot and struggle
0:52:19requires that you not succumb to cliché
0:52:26that you not succumb to stereotype and
0:52:30you and that is increasingly difficult
0:52:33as John Hodgman is fond of saying you
0:52:35cannot run as fast as you did when you
0:52:37were 20 nor can you think as fast as you
0:52:42did when you were 20 and so it's it's
0:52:46additional work to wake up in the
0:52:48morning and say i am going to i'm going
0:52:51to approach every person as an
0:52:53individual today and I'm gonna take on
0:52:55these scenarios i think i know the
0:52:57answer to already and it think you know
0:53:01increasingly I find my online life is
0:53:03not especially helpful and then
0:53:05well I part of the problem I you know
0:53:08I'm reluctant at this point is to say
0:53:09the internet as a medium because its
0:53:11series of media crap but in in addition
0:53:14I wanna go back to that but i think if I
0:53:16was on metafilter exclusively male many
0:53:18filters no bargain sometimes I mean
0:53:20there's there's no there's a lot of to
0:53:22quote the the great drunk
0:53:24John Wayne during his Stanford
0:53:26commencement speech i say i didn't say
0:53:29that for clapping haha never heard that
0:53:33that's liberties at their worst John
0:53:35Wayne's three sheets to the wind hire
0:53:37out these kids and
0:53:39yeah definitely Stanford can happen
0:53:43before you get the run time that the
0:53:44active occupied columbia for the the
0:53:47guys in like defecating in drawer
0:53:52hi yeah I'm not saying that for clapping
0:53:56the problem is the problem is that
0:53:57radicalism extremism doesn't cost
0:53:59anything but empathy is expensive
0:54:02because empathy toward any body empathy
0:54:04doesn't mean you agree with somebody it
0:54:06means you like feel for them a little
0:54:08bit like you understand you enter it
0:54:09like you want to understand that there
0:54:11another human being that doesn't make
0:54:12your pussy to say that that that means
0:54:14being an adult
0:54:15yeah but most of the time it takes 10
0:54:17extra minutes out of your day but that's
0:54:19not getting back to the medium in a
0:54:20minute but but i think i think part of
0:54:22the problem is that I mean I'll speak
0:54:23for myself
0:54:24you've had a pretty flawless life so you
0:54:26won't appreciate this but like I make so
0:54:28many fucking mistakes every day I i
0:54:30mis-read things i do dumb shit i get mad
0:54:33at the wrong person ID so much dumb
0:54:35stuff every day that it's made me on a
0:54:38good day little bit more empathetic
0:54:39about how everybody has those days or
0:54:42decades but that doesn't that doesn't
0:54:45get you any three pointers on the
0:54:47internet that does not get you a thumb
0:54:48you know and and the to the medium part
0:54:51i'm tempted to bring up a real Godwin's
0:54:54law here in the sense of pro-wrestling
0:54:56like the name your favorite pro wrestler
0:55:00who took 15 minutes to really explain
0:55:03things in a way that we can all
0:55:05understand even if we didn't agree with
0:55:06it now you like you like Ric Flair or
0:55:09you like Ricky the dragon steamboat I
0:55:11personally did not like Ric Flair yeah
0:55:13now-now I he was he was part of a
0:55:15different tradition for me i would love
0:55:17to talk about wrestling but but to me
0:55:18that's I mean thatthat so that's a
0:55:20careless of 35 year old analogy but i
0:55:23think it's true i mean i think you've
0:55:25got to pick your side like are you going
0:55:26to be a face or you're going to be a
0:55:28heel and then like you know who we gonna
0:55:31team up with who you gonna cheer for and
0:55:32he got hit with a fucking folding chair
0:55:34and you know and wherever you go even
0:55:36the most subtle environment you know
0:55:39metafilter whatever i going to
0:55:40metafilter sometimes I don't look at it
0:55:42like I used to because it has gotten way
0:55:43to me and snarky and I will go in and
0:55:45just look at like most favorited posts
0:55:47and that will be twice a month I'm going
0:55:49to nothing it's matt it's just that it's
0:55:51it's too big
0:55:52they've lost that sense of of personhood
0:55:54we're all in our own little car honking
0:55:56horns of people because of like a
0:55:58millisecond you know miss decision on
0:56:00their part which I'm guilty of which i'm
0:56:02going to you but I mean like do you want
0:56:04to get better at that or or do you want
0:56:06to get loud horn that you have a problem
0:56:08i mean as you get older it's almost like
0:56:10you know you imagine that you're
0:56:11chilling at the Churchill quote was I
0:56:13honestly did not look this up but it's
0:56:15something like anyone any man is not a
0:56:17liberal by the time he's 25 is
0:56:18hard-hearted any man is not a
0:56:21conservative by the time he's 40 is
0:56:23soft-headed something like that yeah
0:56:24that's what it looks like there's
0:56:26something to look at while know what I
0:56:27mean it's the only point being that like
0:56:29you know and there's always having
0:56:31people say that old canard about how
0:56:33like all journalists or liberals and
0:56:34journals will come back and say well no
0:56:36it's just that we seem like liberals
0:56:38because we like asking a lot of annoying
0:56:39questions yeah which is something that
0:56:41liberals like to do I think it's easy to
0:56:43say oh as you get older you see more and
0:56:45more like a conservative it's like it's
0:56:47no it's not that I'm becoming more
0:56:48conservative it's just that I've seen a
0:56:50whole lot of your radical ideas I seen
0:56:54the ones that worked and it wasn't
0:56:55because they were Radical that they work
0:56:58it's because they were the right
0:56:59solution at the right time
0:57:01yeah and-and-and the louder horn does
0:57:03not make you a more persuasive driver he
0:57:06said mixing several analogies but anyway
0:57:08I'm just saying like trying to settle
0:57:10this shit 240 characters at a time is
0:57:11not a great place to try and settle it
0:57:13did you read questlove's SI no on the
0:57:18Trayvon Martin case no but I well
0:57:20getting a card is from the tribe called
0:57:24quest quest llano is the routines roots
0:57:28everybody plays on the Jimmy Carson show
0:57:31oh oh I know what you mean you're
0:57:32talking about the never not funny
0:57:34Fallon part oh that's right got it right
0:57:36here ok but so he he writes this very
0:57:39thoughtful personal essay in the style
0:57:42of someone who is just who is simply
0:57:46saying here's how it is for me like and
0:57:51he is a he it's a very it's very it's
0:57:56just a personal and touching anecdotes
0:58:00that you cannot argue with you know it
0:58:03is not a political
0:58:05comment really at all except that at the
0:58:08end he kind of ties it to this national
0:58:10conversation personal essay as we used
0:58:13to say it's a personal essay and it's a
0:58:16personal essay that I that I read and
0:58:19liked a great deal because it describes
0:58:21a kind of private experience that he's
0:58:26having as a large black guy with a
0:58:29gigantic afro and his his success and
0:58:35his fame and the fact that he has a
0:58:37beloved person and now lives in a
0:58:41doorman building it in you know in
0:58:45having achieved everything that he set
0:58:48out to and more he still is subject to
0:58:54and he's very careful to describe it not
0:58:56as subjected to but just subject to a
0:59:00kind of treatment where people are
0:59:04scared of him because of how he looks
0:59:06and he's aware of it and has been his
0:59:08whole life but it's still you know wears
0:59:13him down over time in in a way that
0:59:17everybody can relate to you know where
0:59:19he and he's just telling the story and I
0:59:21read it and it was like fuck its if more
0:59:25people wrote with this kind of just
0:59:28simple candor if our carpet for national
0:59:32conversation included voices like this
0:59:35where they weren't where you know and
0:59:37kind of like obama's speech to the same
0:59:39fact and it's like anyway I posted this
0:59:41a link to this just like hey this is a
0:59:43great thing and I think everybody should
0:59:46read it and I immediately got a bunch of
0:59:50like again push back in the form of well
0:59:55that's not the whole story and i was i
0:59:58was astonished
0:59:58was astonished
1:00:00at at how primed have primed the world
1:00:05is to reject even like the the best
1:00:11hearted attempts to say like better than
1:00:17that
1:00:17oh we're not here to take your gun you
1:00:20don't think that's the medium know John
1:00:21I mean you're putting out you're putting
1:00:24it out there in you know it's a quote
1:00:27myself you know the the internet is not
1:00:29what you have to say it's what others
1:00:31have to say about you
1:00:32it's like when you when you put
1:00:33something out there like that even with
1:00:35the best heart no matter who you are
1:00:37it's going to be about somebody else
1:00:39coming back with whatever they think
1:00:40their thing is even if they're dumb ass
1:00:42I mean you know I don't want to get in
1:00:44battle you know I i wonder if it if I
1:00:48mean in 1975 when Time magazine was the
1:00:54only place the the only national den
1:01:01right the only thing that everybody read
1:01:03first of all NSA like that would never
1:01:06appear in Time magazine but also we had
1:01:09no sense of we had no sense of the great
1:01:12hundreds of thousands of people who read
1:01:14Time magazine every week and threw it
1:01:16against the wall and said a bunch of
1:01:19jimmy carter liberal communist
1:01:22communists so we we have was at the
1:01:27police officer from confederacy of
1:01:29dunces some kind of communist Dominus um
1:01:35she's a grandma and and so now you know
1:01:38now we have insight into all these door
1:01:41dark corners but but also like my the
1:01:46people who are following me on Twitter
1:01:47presumably are not a broad cross-section
1:01:50of America they are a self-selected
1:01:53group of indeed twerps and comedy
1:02:00computer nerds and people who are
1:02:03presumably taken people who are
1:02:08animating bird gifts
1:02:1122 appear you know but no bows
1:02:18uh well I've never I've never I know you
1:02:21weren't point I'm sorry John I know you
1:02:22were pointing that at me but I've never
1:02:23felt worse about three nouns up in
1:02:27comedy computer nerd
1:02:29oh that's depressing
1:02:32it's a big part that's a big part of my
1:02:34demographic now but even among those
1:02:37people and this is what I'm saying like
1:02:40I i look at that guy who are let's take
1:02:44would take one of the detained the
1:02:45person responding to questlove's was
1:02:47just like westlink what happened about
1:02:50Trayvon but I've ad and and you feel
1:02:53like okay this guide is probably because
1:02:56he's following me on twitter he is
1:02:58probably not
1:02:59oh he is probably not a racist he's
1:03:03probably not a a gun nut in the Idaho
1:03:09mountains he is probably a kid who feels
1:03:12like he has to like you're saying
1:03:16because of the medium he has to take he
1:03:20he feels like he has to take this
1:03:22oppositional position because there is
1:03:28no place to be
1:03:29there's no place in his world to read
1:03:33something and go hmm well that's
1:03:37interesting
1:03:38like he he lives now in a in a lives in
1:03:42a world where
1:03:43[Music]
1:03:44we're here in a certain in certain
1:03:47extent like he has been called a racist
1:03:50so much for expressing like
1:03:55middle-of-the-road views that he's
1:03:59beginning to feel like well maybe you
1:04:01know maybe I am
1:04:02or maybe I maybe there's some merit to
1:04:04that you know what I mean like he is
1:04:06being pushed to the right by assist by a
1:04:11bio by living in a world where there is
1:04:14no room for him to be in them you know
1:04:18slightly to the right of the middle
1:04:22I mean I feel that more and more reading
1:04:24people on the internet who are taking
1:04:26who are taking like stances that you
1:04:30really don't feel like they own but but
1:04:34that they've been nudged there by the by
1:04:38the fact that there's no room to say
1:04:40well you know there's there's two sides
1:04:43to every coin and I mean obviously the
1:04:45Trayvon thing is what I'm talking about
1:04:47but it doesn't cost anything that's part
1:04:52of the problem
1:04:53yeah none of it none of it cost anything
1:04:54and you know it's I don't know the first
1:04:56thing about economics I mean everything
1:04:58i know about economics I've learned from
1:05:00Wikipedia but you know that's not true
1:05:02you you took me down to the University
1:05:04of San Francisco computer store because
1:05:06you knew
1:05:07oh that's right was gonna have to you
1:05:09know I was going to get a better deal on
1:05:10my computer I don't sound contradictory
1:05:12John but i think that's really more
1:05:13about finance that no i mean the the
1:05:16idea that things cost stuff you know
1:05:18it's it's I mean that that's that's a
1:05:22big part of the problem is that it
1:05:23doesn't cost anything it doesn't cost
1:05:24anything to be a radical it doesn't cost
1:05:26anything to agree with this person there
1:05:28and agree with that person there you
1:05:30know it's it doesn't it's there's
1:05:32nothing to it but there's no and I'm
1:05:35feeling the cost i guess this is the
1:05:37business case you actually fucking
1:05:38caring you and you inhabit the the point
1:05:40of view that's costly yeah
1:05:43yes it is it costs it makes a it makes
1:05:46bruises on my heart like an apple at the
1:05:49bottom of a bin ya stop there for a
1:05:52second marker there I gotta go get opee
1:05:55can call you back in a minute
1:05:56oh yeah you don't want to just leave it
1:05:58running no I I don't trust this thing
1:06:01here is the primary problem i have
1:06:05shopping for a suburban on on the
1:06:07Internet yeah people who are selling old
1:06:12Suburbans are the number one they are
1:06:17the number one miss spellers of the word
1:06:19original huh
1:06:21they'll put it all put an extra 0 in
1:06:23original in it so it says a red guy on
1:06:26all our original organ nononono or a
1:06:31Donal and so I want to buy this truck
1:06:35and I and I gotta click on it says i
1:06:38have a lifted set so anyway no
1:06:40punctuation in this whole ad i have a
1:06:42lifted 73 suburban on 35's built motor
1:06:45has headers full exhaust E with an e at
1:06:48the end full exhaust the intake carb has
1:06:51cam runs and drive great Oregon old
1:06:54paint has nice weld wheels and pretty
1:06:56good tyres interiors like new no rips or
1:06:59tears ta IRS has ruder mate no carpet
1:07:05has dual shocks d ule dual shocks and as
1:07:10custom front drive line please call for
1:07:12more information have title in hand in
1:07:14my name I can text more picture i can
1:07:20text more pics and i'm reading and I'm
1:07:24just like the hope it makes you happy
1:07:27were older men that makes us wind it
1:07:29because we've had poetry classes you're
1:07:31you're you're reading that allowed in
1:07:33your head
1:07:33yes i am it doesn't scan well no end and
1:07:37you know and and part of me feels like a
1:07:39part of me feels like it's from
1:07:41Jabberwocky
1:07:43and so it was original paint and had no
1:07:48tears the tires were pretty good you
1:07:52know and and part of part of me thinks
1:07:54its EE cummings because there's I mean
1:07:57it's just might as well be but uh but so
1:08:00I think about like i'm going to call
1:08:02this guy
1:08:04and talk to him about his truck and I'm
1:08:06going to say has full exhaust the intake
1:08:09carb has cam runs out god you're that
1:08:11guy and no i'm not gonna be that guy but
1:08:13I'm just gonna be like so hows it
1:08:15how's the truck and whatever he says I'm
1:08:17just gonna hear him speak with no
1:08:19graduation then note and not and not a
1:08:22spell tear it's got a net and so stay
1:08:25from the front says it's got access
1:08:27today
1:08:27you know what though I wonder if that's
1:08:30like fake you think that's like fake
1:08:33barn find okay let me ask you this how
1:08:35many guys you by harley touring
1:08:36motorcycle gang right yeah 0m huh
1:08:42you should do it I mean maybe trading 4a
1:08:45like a stroke and white or something
1:08:47what guy I'm gonna I'll give you a
1:08:50thousand bucks less than your asking but
1:08:52i'm gonna i got a nice copy a nice like
1:08:54lightly used copy of Strunk and white
1:08:56omit needless words that I am I have
1:09:00have the and Landers encyclopedia that a
1:09:04data the everyone should read the
1:09:06animators encyclopedia suburban bombax
1:09:09I've realized how much my humor is
1:09:11becoming like Erma Bombeck that's the
1:09:13problem with great with aging and
1:09:14becoming conservative am i right
1:09:16started he started to laugh about jokes
1:09:19about potholders my new perfumes baby
1:09:22poop haha that's how I feel that's how I
1:09:27feel and scott simpson first made that
1:09:29joke a while back here kids before me so
1:09:31they've got I really feel like I like
1:09:33I've been ongoing I'm an ongoing army
1:09:36bomb back and active
1:09:37yeah i had my first experience today
1:09:39where I was that I went to my my
1:09:42luncheon with my young dad friends here
1:09:45we have a groupie on Dad's what we could
1:09:48together what are you called were called
1:09:50the young Bad's then I have everything
1:09:52that's got McCoy band average age is
1:09:54about 43 of the young dads and the other
1:09:58guys in my young dad parenting group of
1:10:00their their babies are all much younger
1:10:02they are little babies and so I've been
1:10:05up till now the one that's like listen
1:10:08it gets better and here's the stairs the
1:10:10deal just wait no don't don't give him a
1:10:14pacifier because they're going to be the
1:10:16pacifier baby
1:10:17you're so wise you want to just tough it
1:10:20out people it's but today was the first
1:10:24day where you know where one of them has
1:10:26a little baby that's strapped into a
1:10:27carriage and can't move and the other
1:10:29one has a baby that's so little that he
1:10:31didn't even bring any left with the mom
1:10:32and I'm the one with the
1:10:34two-and-a-half-year-old sitting on my
1:10:35lap going daddy
1:10:37we have to go daddy we have to go daddy
1:10:40we have to go daddy we have to go and
1:10:43I'm like hey I'm having lunch with some
1:10:45friends and she's like we have to go we
1:10:48have to go like we don't have to go
1:10:51she's like no we have to go and and I'm
1:10:54realizing like oh now I'm that now I'm
1:10:56the one with the kid who is behaving
1:10:58like a little person rather than up the
1:11:03love that little bug in a basket now
1:11:07she's a little person with like and and
1:11:09and my friends are in the same situation
1:11:11I was in two years ago where they're
1:11:13looking at me like them
1:11:14boy that kids not turn out too good and
1:11:17I'm like oh my little by little kid is
1:11:20uniting outnet you know now i'm now my
1:11:23parenting is on display
1:11:27no no good as the the pudding is out
1:11:30there and the proof is just stuck in
1:11:32looks like a cinnamon stick
1:11:33yeah I go to the supermarket and and she
1:11:36starts you know she starts yelling a you
1:11:40know about daddy's PP or whatever and
1:11:44I'm like looking around like no no it's
1:11:47not like that
1:11:48we're just talking we were potty
1:11:50training now we we get a lot of penis
1:11:53talk there's there's already the cops of
1:11:55the sheriff surprise or we were walking
1:11:56from school the other day and she said
1:11:58her new band is going to be called out
1:11:59was it was bird penis part fart poop and
1:12:03looks pretty good now here's the thing
1:12:05i'm gonna say one thing about this and I
1:12:07hope that this is going to be what I
1:12:10stand on going forward i have i have to
1:12:13hold out a lot of fucking wisdom about
1:12:16being a father and you know along the
1:12:18way people kinda getting said you know a
1:12:20you know it's complicated
1:12:22yeah you have to do when you want the
1:12:26things you really just
1:12:29isn't it beautiful in here you know what
1:12:31I'm done I'm done I'm done being fucking
1:12:33wise guy i know it's going to be out
1:12:35pretty soon I'm gonna be like my
1:12:37brother-in-law with the drinks except
1:12:38not successful in taiwan lab genoa oh
1:12:44yeah he recommended three books to me
1:12:46before I could go in and like take a
1:12:48leak
1:12:48he had books for me but that I should
1:12:50get was he wearing a pink Oxford cloth
1:12:53shirt tucked into jeans pretty close huh
1:12:59tassel loafers he was the quarterback in
1:13:02high school but not not a dork i mean
1:13:05like hehe was he went to a really good
1:13:07school use a little his lawyer is a very
1:13:09very smart guy but like everybody with a
1:13:12daughter who's older than 10 or 11 he's
1:13:14broken by life
1:13:16oh yeah i know that's coming my daughter
1:13:18archives I'm gonna cry tomorrow
1:13:19wednesday is going to be our last
1:13:21daddy-daughter comics day before she
1:13:23starts elementary school and it's eating
1:13:25me up
1:13:26yeah she's wearing she's gonna wear
1:13:29spider-man costume to pick which one
1:13:30haha no wonder she's into Project Runway
1:13:37you know what I'm done being wise and
1:13:38I'm done being sweet
1:13:40I'm done I'm done I have nothing to
1:13:41share I've nothing to share except you
1:13:43know you're just gonna fuck up a lot
1:13:45that's all I got to say that's what
1:13:47you'd be okay with that
1:13:48yeah i'm already fine with it and you
1:13:50know fortunately the child has a mother
1:13:52that must but the thing is Jonathan must
1:13:54grind your gears I mean your your whole
1:13:57thing is is predicated on the degree to
1:14:00which you can help people if they must
1:14:01drive you crazy to not be able to help
1:14:03her more it seems like it must seem like
1:14:04just slightly out of reach
1:14:06well this is this is the problem like
1:14:08with with other people with fully grown
1:14:10adults at i try to people on the
1:14:13internet and people on the internet i
1:14:15tried to apply a certain amount of
1:14:16helpful pressure i realized the other
1:14:19day marlin and this is a terrible thing
1:14:20I am prejudiced against delicate people
1:14:24who just realized that
1:14:27well yeah I didn't realize that it was a
1:14:29full-blown prejudice like I felt like
1:14:31telling people it's like book are going
1:14:34i realized sometimes I'm a little
1:14:37intolerant niggas tell delicate people i
1:14:41guess i had not
1:14:42identified them as a subspecies are you
1:14:44kid yeah you're kidding no I'm not I i
1:14:49think i felt like someone is our
1:14:50strongest parts of your personality is
1:14:52your complete lack of sympathy for
1:14:54delicate people but I felt like some
1:14:56delicate people were were hearty people
1:14:59that just needed some help and some
1:15:02delicate people were you know words
1:15:05legitimately delicate and needed to be
1:15:07protected protected from the Sun and
1:15:09that that was even look at some of the
1:15:11lady had chemo like you give her a pass
1:15:13sure or there are bird people like Halle
1:15:17bones
1:15:17yeah-hoo-hoo have you or have small bowl
1:15:20and I think what it was my mom
1:15:22speculates that sometime in human past
1:15:26people were selectively choosing a very
1:15:30delicate women to be there kind of court
1:15:33ladies and then unfortunately some
1:15:37little boys were born with this water
1:15:39with similar traits
1:15:40oh you like the Spanish aristocracy
1:15:42right exactly a you get exactly it
1:15:45within blood the inbreeding in blood
1:15:48mhm but but now I'm realizing like
1:15:50delicate delicateness because and and I
1:15:54wonder whether it isn't that I am that I
1:15:57am so sturdy that there's some kind of
1:15:59inner class issue dating back to like
1:16:04britannia where I where where I was bred
1:16:08to pull a plow and i'm i'm i'm mad at
1:16:12people where you can see the where you
1:16:14can see their little bird skulls and the
1:16:16you see the the blue veins through their
1:16:20translucent skin i'm still mad at them
1:16:22because i feel like i'm still pulling a
1:16:23plow someone who but but anyway the the
1:16:28pressure that I that I apply to the to
1:16:31the world in the in the hopes that I can
1:16:33make the the part of the world that that
1:16:35connects with me a little sturdier to
1:16:38its own benefits
1:16:40I'm realizing that I cannot apply such
1:16:43pressure on my daughter past a certain
1:16:46point because she most definitely is who
1:16:49she is and any amount of any amount of
1:16:54pressure on her beyond just the just the
1:16:59normal pressure of you will call me sir
1:17:01in this house of the hip beyond that
1:17:05beyond that like trying to get her to be
1:17:08any kind of Army sergeant I work for a
1:17:10look if you look you will call me hair
1:17:14professor doctor but beyond that like
1:17:19trying to try to shape her like hey
1:17:22honey I want you to consider the crew
1:17:26team or even you know like she's already
1:17:31showing a preference for certain kinds
1:17:32of books over certain other books it's
1:17:35just like overhead knowing no no you
1:17:39know like I you know potty books like
1:17:41The this book this party book features
1:17:43only its board book over that board at
1:17:45this party book features a duck she
1:17:47prefers the potty book that features a
1:17:49dark rather than the one featuring a pic
1:17:51and of course there is one that has both
1:17:52ducks and pigs
1:17:54that's the best seller but you know what
1:17:57I'm saying like I can up the my instinct
1:18:00which has always been to get right
1:18:02inside of people's heads and Tinker now
1:18:05with this little person who has come to
1:18:07me through through some magic witchcraft
1:18:10i realize i cannot take her overmuch
1:18:14with her because I see how much of her I
1:18:18i think my suspicions with other people
1:18:20is that most of their weakness it is a
1:18:23product of the of skin some pussy
1:18:27upbringing or some bullshit that they
1:18:29learned in college while some and some
1:18:32bullshit they've been applauded for some
1:18:34bullshit that they've been applauded for
1:18:35that's right but never that never had
1:18:37somebody take the pig look away and with
1:18:38it but with this little person who has
1:18:41arrived and i see that every really
1:18:43every personality trait that she has is
1:18:47something that none of us can claim
1:18:48responsibility for and I just AM like oh
1:18:51my god get out of her way like I
1:18:53must get out way records what's
1:18:57terrifying everyone is that a minute ago
1:18:59about how I'm not gonna try to be wise
1:19:01I'm gonna say this one thing this second
1:19:03one thing which is that I used to think
1:19:05that my daughter brought out the best in
1:19:06me and I'm pretty sure this is not her
1:19:09fault this is my fault i'm pretty sure
1:19:10she brings out very near the worst in me
1:19:12oh no and I mean like I'm still I I'll
1:19:16and here's the thing i mean like okay so
1:19:18think about when you're when you're a
1:19:20teenager and maybe not you but you were
1:19:22certainly surrounded by guys who like I
1:19:26do everything for her and I love her
1:19:28like why doesn't she love me like shut
1:19:31the fuck up you're making this all about
1:19:33you you could give a shit about that
1:19:35woman if you really cared if you loved
1:19:37in the true sense of the word you would
1:19:39leave her alone
1:19:40that's what love is it you know what if
1:19:42you love that girl and it's obvious she
1:19:43doesn't like you
1:19:45if it's love in the true sense of the
1:19:46word in the sense of like you care more
1:19:48about their welfare than yours
1:19:50go away there's a nice set them free and
1:19:54if they come back to you hire one of the
1:19:56marsalis brothers huh
1:19:59ok so here's what i say that gives you
1:20:01lemons that's right i used to think that
1:20:05like oh this is it and gentlemen fide me
1:20:08and maybe they're wise and now i sit
1:20:12there and go oh my god and like day
1:20:14after day after motherfucking day I have
1:20:16these constant real estate you get ready
1:20:18for this because that's really a fun
1:20:19ride getting up doing a three by five
1:20:21card okay to get a five by seven
1:20:24this is a wide point I I i used to have
1:20:29to think of the worst the worst i'm
1:20:30gonna have with myself as being a
1:20:32helicopter father was stolen and you
1:20:34know in the sense that like tonight
1:20:35we're watching the project runway season
1:20:37two finale and I wanted to sit still so
1:20:39I can see if Chloe wins no spoilers but
1:20:42she was really tired and spinning around
1:20:43and coming very close to hitting her
1:20:45head on the corner of something which is
1:20:47one of my personal like I i have a real
1:20:50paranoia about that sure it happened to
1:20:51me
1:20:52oh my gosh i had a gash in my head when
1:20:54I was a kid I don't yeah exactly
1:20:56whatever you know whatever it is you
1:20:57want in the same way that like if you
1:20:58make it through the depression you don't
1:21:00want your kids to be hungry like save
1:21:01money right that kind of thing and well
1:21:02in fact I got a gash in my head and the
1:21:04Jewish guild poured out
1:21:06so it actually save the Golden Goose
1:21:12involved in London golden goose and
1:21:15choice i'm not careful careful i would
1:21:18also talked about how the glory I got a
1:21:20note here anything I am I just got the
1:21:23best of me but oh you know I'm letting
1:21:25so much about myself and become so wise
1:21:27and and you know what i realized i
1:21:29realize holy shit i like I want to be
1:21:32like a big brother that she admires I I
1:21:35want to like me I want her to think I'm
1:21:37cool
1:21:38oh I want will know I'm being honest I'm
1:21:40being honest like no and Adam can't
1:21:42speak for you but like it wouldn't be
1:21:45nice if you could go in there while
1:21:46she's got her duck and Orpik book you
1:21:49could say something very wise and you
1:21:51would see a moment where in her eyes she
1:21:54saw how right you were
1:21:56mm right instead make maybe you will
1:21:59have that I don't know more and more
1:22:01often though I realize like how
1:22:02completely full of shit i am i'm so full
1:22:05of shit I mean I know I'm full of shit
1:22:06its kind of my men my deal
1:22:08yeah but but like with with this brand
1:22:11now if thats doesn't say but that's
1:22:14that's the thing and that's what that is
1:22:17the that's little what my little cocoon
1:22:22to shed its like going like what we know
1:22:24and I've said this really like high and
1:22:26fucking high and mighty thing from the
1:22:27beginning that I've always believed i
1:22:28still believe but now I feel more and
1:22:30more after we put my money where my
1:22:32mouth is which is get out of her way and
1:22:35let her become the person that she's
1:22:36gonna be yeah which I still extremely
1:22:38like that is that's like an article of
1:22:40faith to me that is harder and harder to
1:22:43do as like I have fun times with her
1:22:46we have things we have in common i mean
1:22:48you know I'd like to think that I'm very
1:22:49supportive of whatever she wants to do
1:22:50will play what she wants to play as long
1:22:52as it's about comics but you know now
1:22:53she's really into drawing which I'm like
1:22:55so into and I find myself saying but
1:22:57here's how dumb I am I found myself
1:22:58saying Haley that was awesome
1:23:00like you just drew the laundry in the in
1:23:03the washing machine that was really cool
1:23:04and then like shut the fuck up like
1:23:06don't tell her like that looks good like
1:23:08you want her to like live for your
1:23:10praise right because why because I want
1:23:13to be praised and I and then by
1:23:15extension how horrible is this
1:23:17I want her to like me because I praised
1:23:19her
1:23:20stupid is that yeah I'm just being
1:23:22honest I'm just being honest and I think
1:23:24that was very wise may be very
1:23:25supportive parent not very wise and and
1:23:28it's like you know that the the hardest
1:23:30part of this is like the hard part was
1:23:31not just being sleepy that actually that
1:23:33was the hardest part
1:23:34it was very hard to be sleeping all the
1:23:35time but i'm fine i'm thinking even more
1:23:37difficult to have to shed the parts of
1:23:38my personality i thought were helpful
1:23:40yeah to get the fuck out of the way and
1:23:42to stop being a 237 12 14 19 year old
1:23:48person with the situation i don't know
1:23:50that's just and that's why I'm done
1:23:52being wise that's as wise as i can get
1:23:54this point is like I have no fucking
1:23:56idea what's going on
1:23:57I hope she learns to make good decisions
1:23:58and if she doesn't like that's just
1:24:01going to have to be okay yeah i feel
1:24:04like i have already rehearsed her first
1:24:09driving lesson so many times haha but
1:24:15her first driving lesson when she's like
1:24:17I want to learn to drive
1:24:18I'm going to effort
1:24:22first of all you know i'm gonna i'm
1:24:25going to school strapped into my driving
1:24:28lesson costume i will come I will have
1:24:34bought and restored a car just hit
1:24:37myself that because you've already kind
1:24:39of thought out the components of cars
1:24:40dome
1:24:41oh yeah absolutely i mean you know the
1:24:43costume will have a will have a brass by
1:24:45glass will have a sigma tar certainly
1:24:50gonna be like a cyberpunk modern
1:24:52major-general kinda feel yeah that's
1:24:54right and her first driving lesson is
1:24:55going to last a month and a half
1:24:58we're gonna we're gonna leave the home
1:25:02this is not getting her ready for Tierra
1:25:04del Fuego right now
1:25:05that's right this is just making laying
1:25:07the groundwork she's gonna be you know
1:25:09she'll be 15 and a half and she's gonna
1:25:10go she's got a little drop i will go to
1:25:13the mall or I want to go to hot topic or
1:25:15get a malted it's like you're like you
1:25:17know what P now that's 45 days before we
1:25:20stop I'm gonna walk over to a loyal
1:25:22painting on the wall i'm going to slide
1:25:24it over to decide I'm gonna punch in a
1:25:2615 number code into a keypad
1:25:29the floor is gonna slide open and we're
1:25:31gonna go down into a mine shaft where
1:25:37the Batmobile away and you're gonna look
1:25:39like when you were you like like whip
1:25:41away like the the cover of the car and
1:25:44there will be waiting there is the joys
1:25:47of driving education car and it's gonna
1:25:50be like all right before before you get
1:25:53into the car deserves a five hour long
1:25:56serious there's a five hour long
1:25:59checklist and we're gonna go around this
1:26:00track tire pressure again check the
1:26:02pressure at everything we're going to
1:26:04where you are going to test the tensile
1:26:06strength of every single spoke in the
1:26:08wire wheels of this austin-healey 100m
1:26:11and she's just gonna be like I would
1:26:13rather never drive you're not ready
1:26:17I mean that's right music you're not
1:26:18ready not ready and then you spray
1:26:21something her face like that man says
1:26:22you can't remember but here's here's
1:26:25what I really worried i worry that I'm
1:26:26gonna start giving her driver's license
1:26:27driving lessons when she seven she's
1:26:30gonna be sitting next to me trying to
1:26:31look at her dora the explorer coloring
1:26:34book and we like see this see what this
1:26:36semi is doing right now see the semi is
1:26:38doing now this could cause an accident
1:26:40if I hadn't been looking 15 seconds
1:26:43ahead we would be in a very different
1:26:45lane right now do you understand that
1:26:46young lady understand what Lane we would
1:26:48be in right now
1:26:49you really are a board book that happens
1:26:51to be from England you're like and just
1:26:53so you know that's the wrong side the
1:26:55drive on a public you would like the
1:26:57forehead you wanna make sure you you
1:26:59know like I've been showing her kung fu
1:27:01movies and you
1:27:03oh yeah I think you're aware that you
1:27:07are going to turn her into one of those
1:27:09like people that like living humans who
1:27:11believe there are a superhero and like
1:27:13fight crime in downtown sir
1:27:15something like x 23 I think it might be
1:27:17i think i might be turning her into some
1:27:19kind of a superhero assassin you know
1:27:21x-23 personally know I've never met her
1:27:24she's had a lot of problems got mommy
1:27:25issues
1:27:26here's the thing I i did i did this ok
1:27:28here's what I did so every single time
1:27:30you've ever seen a kung fu movie with
1:27:33awesome fighting in it was the very
1:27:35first thing that you wanted to do as
1:27:37soon as that seen ended
1:27:40want to know what here and kick somebody
1:27:41in the face fucking-a right yeah and you
1:27:44hear the words that came out of my mouth
1:27:45last week
1:27:47okay i'm going to show you a scene from
1:27:50a movie called it man and i'ma show you
1:27:53a scene from a movie called enter the
1:27:54dragon but i'm only going to shoot and
1:27:57hear you if you promise that you're not
1:27:59gonna start hitting and kicking things
1:28:00em and guess how it worked out it worked
1:28:05out half great
1:28:06she promised well shoot that she wasn't
1:28:09gonna kick that mean she's you know
1:28:10she's five-and-a-half contact with her
1:28:14is nobody knows
1:28:15well it's john like how many times if
1:28:17you had people say to you well here's
1:28:18the thing and I'm going to menus and you
1:28:20don't mmm
1:28:21you know provisionally I mean she's
1:28:24smart enough to know that like I'm again
1:28:26she knows I'm full of shit
1:28:27yeah and like how many I mean to watch
1:28:29the scene where Bruce Lee fights the guy
1:28:33with the big scar on his eye and like
1:28:35does the the kick and send him flying
1:28:37across the folding chairs amazing my
1:28:39daughter has done nothing but kicked me
1:28:41for five days and I deserved every
1:28:43single one of them
1:28:45what did you think you were gonna get
1:28:47what did I think i was gonna get was
1:28:50like I can inoculate myself like I could
1:28:51have her sign some kind of a waiver
1:28:53ya know daddy I will not I do not desire
1:28:56to enact this incredible scene over and
1:28:59over i'm gonna show you seen from this
1:29:02this wing chun movie that involves guys
1:29:04on wires flying through the air with
1:29:06swords and but you're not allowed to
1:29:09want to imitate it
1:29:10yeah so last night I have never done
1:29:13this before but last night you know I'm
1:29:15putting the baby to bed and she's doing
1:29:17she doesn't wanna go to bed she's a
1:29:18little fussy or whatever and I'm like
1:29:19okay you know what
1:29:21well let's go watch some Michael Jackson
1:29:25videos and so we go and we watch we
1:29:31watch Billy gene and we want to beat it
1:29:32and by the end of of beat it
1:29:37she is she's standing on the bed dancing
1:29:41little two-and-a-half-year-old michael
1:29:46jackson dance and I realize like okay at
1:29:52their I can still I can still I can
1:29:54still real this in this doesn't mean
1:29:57that she's going to get that this
1:29:58doesn't mean that she's going to be a
1:29:59like are on a living color i get i can
1:30:07still get this back something but I
1:30:11could still get this back as well
1:30:13somebody's gotta be something another
1:30:15like the girl like the girl from the
1:30:16girl with the big the big radio box and
1:30:21other tights
1:30:23in the helmet television troop fights
1:30:29under it
1:30:32okay so she's dancing along is also why
1:30:35the fuck would you show her Billie Jean
1:30:36that video has never made any sense
1:30:39this is the guy in the trench coat what
1:30:41is this is what I didn't realize it
1:30:42makes no sense
1:30:43Luigi not only makes no sense but it was
1:30:45like deeply profoundly cheesy it's and
1:30:48it's quite cheesy plus creepy equals
1:30:511982a cheesy plus creepy and yet every
1:30:55second that MJ is on the screen is all
1:30:57unimpeachable moment like he is the
1:31:00coolest and he is surrounded by like the
1:31:03what what the little tiger swatch that
1:31:05turns into a tiger cub that you're just
1:31:08showing off now that you have access to
1:31:10a tiger cup that's all that is and and
1:31:14the and the the old hobo that you that
1:31:16he throws a coin in his company
1:31:19Jamie turns into cab calloway yeah a
1:31:21white tuxedo like none of that's all she
1:31:23told gibberish your dad would have
1:31:25appreciated that
1:31:26What's Wrong everyone in kalamazoo he's
1:31:29like some white cap gown I don't even
1:31:31understand get it was sitting there in
1:31:33the first place she's gonna walk around
1:31:34thinking every time that she steps on a
1:31:36large tile and the like but but the
1:31:39thing about that videos it makes so
1:31:40little sense i'm never going to show it
1:31:42to her again
1:31:42no but beat it a whole cat massive being
1:31:47it is like an it's being is like an
1:31:49entire season of 21 Jump Street peated
1:31:54it's there's so much going on in that
1:31:57and every one of those every one of
1:32:00those gangsters like I believe i'm
1:32:04looking at all their faces as their as
1:32:06they're they're rolling up on that
1:32:08flatbed truck and they're very in the
1:32:10sense that they do literally want to
1:32:11beat it
1:32:12they look like they are there to be to
1:32:14have come to play ball and you know none
1:32:16of them feel like oh there's a there's a
1:32:19guy that they got there is a guy they
1:32:20cast like even the white guy that looks
1:32:24like that looks like the guy from
1:32:27terminator one who came back in time to
1:32:30fight the Terminator what the hell is
1:32:32his name
1:32:33you know I'm saying who's the guy that
1:32:35made it with sarah connor
1:32:36that produced John Connor oh the future
1:32:40guy in my head of confusing with one of
1:32:42the Warriors like one of the windy guys
1:32:44in the Warriors mmm III know II mean
1:32:46maybe the same actor but you know what i
1:32:48mean like the guy what's-his-name the
1:32:50Terminator not-not-not bill not Bill
1:32:55Miller book bill bill pullman so anyway
1:32:59what situation values she couldn't sleep
1:33:01and so you put this in front of her she
1:33:03glog at this point she suggests Bragi
1:33:05she's groggy but you know she is she is
1:33:07still because she's an infant person or
1:33:10or toddler person she still lives in a
1:33:13world where I don't think there's a
1:33:16tremendous differentiation between
1:33:18dreamland and wake land and certainly
1:33:21when she is around daddy
1:33:22whoo-hoo although he cannot conjure an
1:33:26orb can seemingly conjure many many
1:33:30things
1:33:31daddy can conjure macaroni and cheese
1:33:33daddy can conjure music on the stereo
1:33:36daddy can conjure michael jackson on the
1:33:40ipad daddy is amazing
1:33:42still and so I think that she you know
1:33:46she like I showed her Teletubbies for
1:33:49the first time not very long ago and how
1:33:52she's only seen one episode we still say
1:33:54Oh pinky Winky but it has put that but
1:33:59tinky winky has removed itself from any
1:34:02connection to Teletubbies at all and
1:34:05it's just become it's become a meme
1:34:08frankly in our family but catch phrase
1:34:11that means you're subverting the
1:34:13dominant paradigm since it means you
1:34:16done goofed that's what it means
1:34:19you done goofed Oh tinky winky that
1:34:22means you done goofed are our friend of
1:34:25the show John siracusa has something
1:34:27that I really wish I got my hands around
1:34:29earlier which is that he has I think is
1:34:34an older son in particular he will but
1:34:35he's got a couple kids he refuses to
1:34:37even acknowledge that the the the star
1:34:41wars prequels the trilogy exist
1:34:44and and then like they're there and he's
1:34:46like what you know that they're there
1:34:47like if they find blu-rays they find the
1:34:49dvds like that's ok but I i'm not going
1:34:51to acknowledge that they exist that
1:34:53Teletubbies needs to be on that kind of
1:34:54level you have to be so careful what you
1:34:56introduce because you never know what
1:34:58will stick our III admire a admired that
1:35:03I deeply admire it
1:35:05he's a very admirable guy you guys
1:35:06should do a podcast you to Syracuse is
1:35:08that some kind of italian name is Ian
1:35:10syracuse yeah John siracusa user he's
1:35:14the smartest guy listen to the show that
1:35:15that's like a that's a kind of sausage
1:35:17dream
1:35:18yeah exactly yeah um so I don't know you
1:35:22know you know my feeling about ethnic
1:35:23people all absolutely you are on to them
1:35:26and I feel like they're simple
1:35:28traditions i feel like i feel like the
1:35:31racism of my grandparents right you
1:35:34can't be racist against Italians which
1:35:36was primarily directed at Italians and
1:35:38Irish for good reason that feel like I
1:35:42like as as as more and more music
1:35:45artists are reverting to the music of my
1:35:47great-grandparents which in the in the
1:35:51words of Carl Newman it is is you know
1:35:55shouting over fiddles guy with the
1:36:00Scottish background up i feel like i
1:36:04feel like my new retro affectation is
1:36:06going to be racism against Catholics
1:36:09fucking papers that's fucking papers