Roderick on the Line

Ep. 271: "Butterfly Ninja Girl"


01:00:00   being in the manger and the little [TS]

01:00:01   drummer boy and all this spook yeah and [TS]

01:00:04   the permission to acknowledge holidays [TS]

01:00:08   and generate season in general but [TS]

01:00:10   Christmas in particular the permission [TS]

01:00:11   to acknowledge that as something that [TS]

01:00:14   could be as far as depressing but could [TS]

01:00:17   very much at least be anxious and as you [TS]

01:00:20   say spooky I mean you know I'm sure that [TS]

01:00:22   existed before Charlie Brown Christmas [TS]

01:00:24   but I still feel like even in the 70s it [TS]

01:00:27   wasn't something where you were like it [TS]

01:00:30   was not encouraged for you to go like oh [TS]

01:00:31   this is kind of a weirdly reflective [TS]

01:00:33   time when I think about loss or I think [TS]

01:00:35   about you know what I mean even even [TS]

01:00:37   though there's so much to the whole [TS]

01:00:38   Christmas story that's really like whoa [TS]

01:00:40   like yeah odd about a wedlock birth and [TS]

01:00:43   they got to sleep in a barn and like and [TS]

01:00:45   it's weird what do you do with myrrh [TS]

01:00:47   anyway and there's just a lot about it [TS]

01:00:49   that's very lonesome it is lonesome and [TS]

01:00:53   in the 70s in particular it was still [TS]

01:00:56   very very much a thing where not only [TS]

01:00:59   all three of the television stations but [TS]

01:01:02   also public television and also all [TS]

01:01:05   media everywhere plus all government [TS]

01:01:08   buildings it was it was generally [TS]

01:01:11   accepted that it then everybody was like [TS]

01:01:14   oh we didn't have as many funny songs [TS]

01:01:22   this is before a wonderful christmastime [TS]

01:01:25   you take like before the lady didn't [TS]

01:01:27   have father Christmas and you might have [TS]

01:01:29   had you had like Rudolph the red-nosed [TS]

01:01:31   reindeer [TS]

01:01:32   you had the bench boys you had the [TS]

01:01:34   Jackson 5 apart from that it was there [TS]

01:01:35   were more like hymns it was more like it [TS]

01:01:37   was much more dolorous it was Lawson's [TS]

01:01:40   but when you think about those holidays [TS]

01:01:42   the religious ones in particular Eastern [TS]

01:01:45   and and Christmas but also Halloween [TS]

01:01:49   they are the only times of the year when [TS]

01:01:52   everybody all the adults - were [TS]

01:01:55   acknowledging that there was a [TS]

01:01:56   supernatural world the only times of the [TS]

01:02:00   year where grown-ups would say well you [TS]

01:02:03   know in the middle of the night spooky [TS]

01:02:08   things happen people who are [TS]

01:02:11   dead rise and people uh you know and you [TS]

01:02:16   can follow a star and it will carry you [TS]

01:02:20   around the world to find him [TS]

01:02:21   like a poor baby who's living with some [TS]

01:02:26   there might be a poor baby somewhere [TS]

01:02:29   that I should say has anyone seems [TS]

01:02:30   really poor baby baby and then it's like [TS]

01:02:33   but that baby is actually God was making [TS]

01:02:37   himself a poor baby just fuck with [TS]

01:02:40   everybody mine to see to see if you'll [TS]

01:02:43   let him sleep in that in the hotel but [TS]

01:02:45   if you don't know in a Disney film yeah [TS]

01:02:48   right right [TS]

01:02:50   secret God that you you better be nice [TS]

01:02:54   to all the poor babies that's right one [TS]

01:02:57   of the maybe God know you would think [TS]

01:02:59   that poor baby God would destroy hotel [TS]

01:03:03   e'er that made him sleep in garage no no [TS]

01:03:05   no poor baby God forgives and all this [TS]

01:03:09   now if it's right for now Christmas to [TS]

01:03:12   the quickening when he comes back at the [TS]

01:03:25   fire and the Holy Ghost he's riding a [TS]

01:03:28   t-rex and then at Halloween of course [TS]

01:03:31   you're just like nothing a fucking [TS]

01:03:34   Headless Horseman is gonna baby ride so [TS]

01:03:36   anyway those are the three times a year [TS]

01:03:38   and we used to sit in the living room [TS]

01:03:40   and I was just like just totally spooked [TS]

01:03:41   like there's a tree full of flashing [TS]

01:03:43   fairies and there's like a poor baby [TS]

01:03:46   somewhere maybe still around and a [TS]

01:03:48   little boy is trying to sell matches but [TS]

01:03:50   he dies or no that's a little MatchGirl [TS]

01:03:53   unless it's a girl that dies of freezing [TS]

01:03:56   because no one will buy her matches who [TS]

01:03:58   ever bought a match yeah but this is the [TS]

01:04:01   thing if you see a little girl so who's [TS]

01:04:03   like the whole idea that there would be [TS]

01:04:05   a little girl alone on Christmas selling [TS]

01:04:07   matches to get enough money to buy heat [TS]

01:04:10   and she's dies yeah it was it was this [TS]

01:04:18   whole time of year where I was just like [TS]

01:04:19   I'm just you know just waiting for the [TS]

01:04:22   next story where it's like oh did you [TS]

01:04:24   hear about the [TS]

01:04:25   skeleton yeah yeah whose son that can't [TS]

01:04:28   walk died because he just didn't spend [TS]

01:04:31   enough money on your business oh sure [TS]

01:04:33   ghosts will sometimes come and take you [TS]

01:04:35   time travel [TS]

01:04:36   yes time travel ghosts yeah [TS]

01:04:39   time-traveling ghosts will also [TS]

01:04:40   sometimes come and show you how what a [TS]

01:04:43   fuck you are [TS]

01:04:44   yes so I don't know about any of those [TS]

01:04:49   traditions we don't have them anymore we [TS]

01:04:51   just have filbert's and Welsh rarebits [TS]

01:04:57   we also we like to give my wife [TS]

01:05:00   inappropriate things this started a long [TS]

01:05:03   time ago let's see what I'm trying to [TS]

01:05:06   give some of our dumb traditions we got [TS]

01:05:07   that like obvious the you know sort of [TS]

01:05:09   well-known traditions you're allowed to [TS]

01:05:11   open one small to medium-sized gift on [TS]

01:05:13   Christmas Eve that's something we my [TS]

01:05:16   sister instituted that I think that's a [TS]

01:05:18   good program [TS]

01:05:19   I like that program but no but that you [TS]

01:05:21   don't slide there's no like there's no [TS]

01:05:23   sliding on that there's also oh yes so [TS]

01:05:25   we always give my wife something [TS]

01:05:27   inappropriate in her stocking for years [TS]

01:05:30   it was an action figure of Chewbacca [TS]

01:05:32   like different like Star Wars figure or [TS]

01:05:35   we recently got a Rick from The Walking [TS]

01:05:36   Dead [TS]

01:05:37   oh we have another Walking Dead a [TS]

01:05:38   tradition which is we hang our Marlon [TS]

01:05:41   Brando Christmas ornament right next to [TS]

01:05:44   our oh geez what's his name Daryl the [TS]

01:05:48   guy with the crossbow and Daryl is [TS]

01:05:50   usually standing on an orange with this [TS]

01:05:52   crossbow pointed at the Godfather [TS]

01:05:53   it is Marlon Brando in The Walking Dead [TS]

01:05:57   I didn't know no no he's in The [TS]

01:05:58   Godfather but we have a Godfather we've [TS]

01:06:00   got a Godfather ornament from hallmark [TS]

01:06:01   and we have a Daryl from The Walking [TS]

01:06:03   Dead ornament full wall I see so then so [TS]

01:06:06   it's a little it's a trick that's [TS]

01:06:08   happening inside the tree it's kind of [TS]

01:06:10   like Christmas fan fiction it's the most [TS]

01:06:12   wonderful time of the year but the [TS]

01:06:13   orange this voice is coming from inside [TS]

01:06:15   the tree yeah like your daughter knows [TS]

01:06:16   about dark Vader like my daughter knows [TS]

01:06:18   about oranges in The Godfather you know [TS]

01:06:20   even though she's never seen it what [TS]

01:06:22   else do we do we usually make cinnamon [TS]

01:06:25   buns from a tube on Sunday morning well [TS]

01:06:29   sometimes take a walk Christmas walk I [TS]

01:06:33   think the thing is that it's it's my [TS]

01:06:35   favorite ones are the ones we almost [TS]

01:06:37   forget about until it's time [TS]

01:06:39   you know what I mean where it's not like [TS]

01:06:40   oh it's time to check out you know [TS]

01:06:42   grandpa's ashes and put lights on them [TS]

01:06:44   we don't have that big things like that [TS]

01:06:46   but I like the little dumb things that a [TS]

01:06:48   family gets you know it's so many [TS]

01:06:50   rituals and things that I would be too [TS]

01:06:51   silly to even mention on air but like [TS]

01:06:53   little things that you do that are just [TS]

01:06:54   like your little family thing that's [TS]

01:06:55   like that's my favorite thing when I was [TS]

01:06:58   in high school at a certain point I [TS]

01:07:01   found at the goodwill a plaid [TS]

01:07:05   three-piece suit a wool plaid [TS]

01:07:08   three-piece suit and it was a bright red [TS]

01:07:11   plaid Wow like I don't know who had that [TS]

01:07:15   suit made or when they thought they were [TS]

01:07:17   gonna wear it but it was a human pure [TS]

01:07:21   beautiful suit made out of what what I [TS]

01:07:24   can only imagine was like the kind of [TS]

01:07:26   wool you would use to make a kilt mm-hmm [TS]

01:07:30   but it was a three-piece suit and it fit [TS]

01:07:32   me when I was when I was a teenager so [TS]

01:07:36   we had a Christmas tradition where on [TS]

01:07:40   Christmas Eve day we would bake all day [TS]

01:07:44   cookies fudge cookies more cookies [TS]

01:07:47   different kinds of cookies and then we [TS]

01:07:49   would make two dozen plates of cookies [TS]

01:07:53   and then I would put on my plaid suit [TS]

01:07:55   and I would walk around the neighborhood [TS]

01:07:56   and I would give cookies to all the [TS]

01:07:57   neighbors that's so nice do you sing my [TS]

01:08:03   family is not a singing family and I [TS]

01:08:05   don't want to force it but I'm a singing [TS]

01:08:07   guy and if I would have so much more [TS]

01:08:11   singing in the family if I could get [TS]

01:08:13   them into it do you do much singing my [TS]

01:08:16   mom wants us to sing and she really [TS]

01:08:20   loves all the Methodist hymns and the [TS]

01:08:24   Methodist hymns that my mom loves are [TS]

01:08:26   again Dickensian they're all just like [TS]

01:08:36   Christmas skeleton arrived don't get [TS]

01:08:52   upset [TS]

01:08:52   that's right that's one of the great [TS]

01:08:54   method Methodist hymns yeah they're all [TS]

01:08:58   they're droney [TS]

01:09:00   and they're up there like obtuse and [TS]

01:09:03   they all are very holy holy holy and she [TS]

01:09:08   wants to hear them but she doesn't [TS]

01:09:11   herself sing and she and we have these [TS]

01:09:14   hymnals that she that she'll hand me and [TS]

01:09:18   be like you know come on lead us in you [TS]

01:09:21   know in the hymns [TS]

01:09:22   this should be your Welsh rarebit for [TS]

01:09:24   her but I don't know the hymns you [TS]

01:09:27   really quite can't you know no it [TS]

01:09:30   requires that you just sing along oh [TS]

01:09:33   that's not a bit of a spotify Methodist [TS]

01:09:36   hymn channel I'm sure they have that's [TS]

01:09:38   not a bad idea well so she used to just [TS]

01:09:41   kind of go toddle off to the Methodist [TS]

01:09:44   Church and listen to them sing the hymns [TS]

01:09:46   but you're right I should get this I [TS]

01:09:49   should go on my Sonos and just have [TS]

01:09:51   Methodist hymnals playing you couldn't [TS]

01:09:54   you know what this is the real talk this [TS]

01:09:56   is this is something you could do that [TS]

01:09:57   would not be very difficult and luckily [TS]

01:10:00   she won't hear this until the show comes [TS]

01:10:01   out and you'll already have done this [TS]

01:10:03   for her on Christmas Eve you should go [TS]

01:10:06   figure out what her favorite is and [TS]

01:10:08   learn it on piano and sing it for her [TS]

01:10:11   that is a wonderful idea except I think [TS]

01:10:13   these hymns all have like 350 uh weird [TS]

01:10:18   like medieval chords I'm not sure ride [TS]

01:10:21   I've never tried but you know I'm not [TS]

01:10:23   like four chords alright that's a good [TS]

01:10:29   idea [TS]

01:10:30   I went to my daughter my daughter has [TS]

01:10:31   been I don't like to talk about this [TS]

01:10:32   publicly my daughter has been taking [TS]

01:10:33   ukulele this term and today the I want [TS]

01:10:36   to you clearly share out so you can [TS]

01:10:38   assure you lately cher out and that's [TS]

01:10:40   when so you have cher out sometimes a [TS]

01:10:42   class will come and do something and she [TS]

01:10:44   and her class got up and played Rudolph [TS]

01:10:47   the red-nosed reindeer and sang it and [TS]

01:10:49   it was a perfect delight children [TS]

01:10:51   singing and terribly terribly playing [TS]

01:10:54   ukuleles was absolutely amazing it was [TS]

01:10:56   oh [TS]

01:10:57   music music gets into your brainstem I'm [TS]

01:11:00   saying I'm just saying you could fake [TS]

01:11:01   your way through it and she would [TS]

01:11:02   appreciate the effort it really does [TS]

01:11:06   he just went to our little girls [TS]

01:11:08   Christmas concert because she is in a [TS]

01:11:10   little girl's choir that she goes to all [TS]

01:11:13   year [TS]

01:11:13   little girl choirs but they have work on [TS]

01:11:15   her they work on a Christmas pageant and [TS]

01:11:18   it was so it was actually surprisingly [TS]

01:11:21   lovely to see this little girl choir in [TS]

01:11:25   which there are five little girls from [TS]

01:11:28   you know five little Asian girls two [TS]

01:11:31   little girls from Pakistan a couple of [TS]

01:11:34   African American girls and they're all [TS]

01:11:36   singing oh Hanukkah Wow and and they [TS]

01:11:41   love oh Hanukkah they get to you know [TS]

01:11:45   spin the dreidel they're all just loving [TS]

01:11:47   the song and they and Marlo asked me the [TS]

01:11:51   other day why don't we celebrate [TS]

01:11:53   Hanukkah and I said you know we can [TS]

01:11:56   celebrate Hanukkah if you if you like [TS]

01:11:58   Hanukkah is just as meaningful to us as [TS]

01:12:01   Christmas is really I mean it's not as [TS]

01:12:03   spooky but there still is some [TS]

01:12:05   spookiness like why do the lamps stay [TS]

01:12:09   lit that is really a small one to base a [TS]

01:12:28   holiday on it's yeah it's like fighting [TS]

01:12:33   a quarter in your couch or a pack of [TS]

01:12:34   cigarettes you forgot about its in its [TS]

01:12:37   way it was only one day's worth of oil [TS]

01:12:44   brand-building of the religion I mean [TS]

01:12:46   it's not quite like but they've already [TS]

01:12:48   got kind of a bad rap you know for being [TS]

01:12:51   a little bit tight with a buck and you [TS]

01:12:52   know being able to like just make the [TS]

01:12:53   oil last longer not a good look it's not [TS]

01:12:56   as it's certainly not as exciting as [TS]

01:12:58   like poor baby born in the garage you [TS]

01:13:06   know the problem is there's a lot of [TS]

01:13:07   pressure on Hanukkah Hanukkah is not a [TS]

01:13:09   major holiday in that face and it's not [TS]

01:13:13   compete with the the real banger of [TS]

01:13:14   Christmas it's rough it does and [TS]

01:13:18   Christmas is a banger but [TS]

01:13:19   you know they they they that's like a [TS]

01:13:22   holiday the kind of out does it cuz it's [TS]

01:13:24   like will you get a present every day [TS]

01:13:25   for like long days Kwanzaa is kind of [TS]

01:13:30   like Esperanto right isn't it's like a [TS]

01:13:33   good idea it started as a good idea and [TS]

01:13:35   then but it's got some nice concepts to [TS]

01:13:37   it but do you know much about Kwanzaa [TS]

01:13:39   most of what I know about Kwan's I've [TS]

01:13:40   learned from things my daughter had to [TS]

01:13:41   draw at school I feel like it is a it is [TS]

01:13:44   a holiday that derives from the Afro [TS]

01:13:48   centrosome movement and it reflects yeah [TS]

01:13:52   kind of a general but it's like isn't it [TS]

01:13:55   based on like each day is a different [TS]

01:13:56   kind of like value oh so it's like the [TS]

01:14:00   Stations of the Cross kind of maybe [TS]

01:14:03   Kwanzaa with three guys don't know about [TS]

01:14:07   it Oh they've got candles to look at [TS]

01:14:08   that they're Kwanzaa it feels like if it [TS]

01:14:13   feels like because of the the [TS]

01:14:15   contemporary sense of not wanting to [TS]

01:14:19   commit a cultural appropriation yes that [TS]

01:14:22   there would be no way for for us to like [TS]

01:14:28   multiculturally celebrate Kwanzaa if she [TS]

01:14:32   came home and said why don't we [TS]

01:14:33   celebrate Kwanzaa like I think I could [TS]

01:14:36   say about Hanukkah like yeah let's [TS]

01:14:38   celebrate Hanukkah like sure but I don't [TS]

01:14:40   think I could say because it's very [TS]

01:14:42   complicated this idea of cultural [TS]

01:14:44   appropriation because of course it's all [TS]

01:14:46   everything that makes up American [TS]

01:14:48   culture is culturally Kwanzaa is very [TS]

01:14:50   high concept I'm not going to attempt to [TS]

01:14:51   read these in the original words but the [TS]

01:14:54   English translation so seven principles [TS]

01:14:57   of Kwanzaa unity self-determination each [TS]

01:15:00   day is a different quality or principle [TS]

01:15:03   unity self-determination collective work [TS]

01:15:06   and responsibility cooperative economics [TS]

01:15:08   purpose creativity and faith instead of [TS]

01:15:13   the only thing the only thing missing is [TS]

01:15:15   mm-hmm have a special bag that daddy [TS]

01:15:18   bought you that you carry everywhere [TS]

01:15:19   there are extra me for a dollar oh [TS]

01:15:21   that's the that's the real tradition [TS]

01:15:25   extra me for a dollar I believe in every [TS]

01:15:28   single one of those Kwanzaa principles [TS]

01:15:30   and I feel like I [TS]

01:15:33   could integrate them into my daily life [TS]

01:15:35   and into our holiday celebration because [TS]

01:15:38   they're all wonderful even the [TS]

01:15:40   collective economics which I know is you [TS]

01:15:43   know that scary economics to build and [TS]

01:15:45   maintain our own stores shops and other [TS]

01:15:47   businesses and to profit from them [TS]

01:15:48   together you're talking about like guys [TS]

01:15:50   talking about indie rock well you are [TS]

01:15:52   but then but then the language our own [TS]

01:15:56   again that seems like a thing that's is [TS]

01:16:01   a little bit separatist mmm [TS]

01:16:04   like hard to know exactly our own versus [TS]

01:16:08   whom's I didn't know if there's more ein [TS]

01:16:09   Rand your I see what you're saying okay [TS]

01:16:11   alright yeah so I don't know I mean I'm [TS]

01:16:14   very very I do not know what to do about [TS]

01:16:20   mallanna costume because we were again [TS]

01:16:24   at a thrift store and we were at a [TS]

01:16:25   thrift store in Bremerton Washington [TS]

01:16:27   which is like the Navy base town and my [TS]

01:16:31   daughter found one of those sort of it's [TS]

01:16:35   it's a little like brocade Chinese girl [TS]

01:16:38   dress and she found this you know she [TS]

01:16:42   found this beautiful garment and to her [TS]

01:16:45   it just seemed like this beautiful thing [TS]

01:16:47   and then at the same store she found a [TS]

01:16:52   Japanese paper umbrella oh and she also [TS]

01:16:57   thought that this was beautiful and she [TS]

01:16:58   did not she didn't understand that they [TS]

01:17:01   were Asian and she's she's under she's [TS]

01:17:04   clear about the the fact that there are [TS]

01:17:06   that there is China right she is very [TS]

01:17:09   curious about China but these are [TS]

01:17:11   beautiful items right they're just [TS]

01:17:13   beautiful things Turner they don't have [TS]

01:17:15   their fancy their fancy so she wants to [TS]

01:17:19   buy these things and she wants to put on [TS]

01:17:22   the and she sees an association between [TS]

01:17:25   them they're both fancy and she she sees [TS]

01:17:28   an association so here she is in her [TS]

01:17:30   little Chinese brocade dress with her [TS]

01:17:33   Japanese paper umbrella and I'm standing [TS]

01:17:37   there going I'm not sure what to do now [TS]

01:17:40   so I took a picture of it and I sent it [TS]

01:17:44   to Jessie thorne [TS]

01:17:45   and I said Jesse thorn what do you do [TS]

01:17:48   here [TS]

01:17:49   and Jesse wrote back thoughtfully and [TS]

01:17:52   said I you know like in order to like it [TS]

01:17:56   is cultural appropriation that you're [TS]

01:17:59   that you are traipsing into I think you [TS]

01:18:05   either thing is fine but you cannot have [TS]

01:18:07   them both and I say to the child to [TS]

01:18:11   explain that you cannot you cannot [TS]

01:18:16   explain it I bought her both things and [TS]

01:18:19   there's something here you should feel [TS]

01:18:20   bad about but I'm not sure if I should [TS]

01:18:22   tell you why no I said said you can't [TS]

01:18:28   take the parasol outside it's not a [TS]

01:18:30   functional umbrella how you lied that's [TS]

01:18:32   good [TS]

01:18:32   well it's not a functional umbrella no [TS]

01:18:35   that's true that's true [TS]

01:18:36   that's know is really underrated [TS]

01:18:39   sometimes there's a lot of lies well [TS]

01:18:42   sometimes you have appeal to Authority [TS]

01:18:43   and lie and you have to know when to [TS]

01:18:45   deploy those mm-hmm in my case I there [TS]

01:18:49   is no reason to burden her mind with the [TS]

01:18:53   whole idea of cultural appropriation [TS]

01:18:55   because I feel like it is a fashion [TS]

01:18:57   rather than a truth right and by the [TS]

01:18:59   time she is 15 there will be some other [TS]

01:19:01   things that that people who want to be [TS]

01:19:04   upset it will be upset about and [TS]

01:19:06   cultural appropriation will go back to [TS]

01:19:07   being an American tradition rather than [TS]

01:19:10   a thing to be mad about [TS]

01:19:11   but right now Milana is extremely [TS]

01:19:16   popular with her she thinks it's an [TS]

01:19:19   amazing movie very good movie and she [TS]

01:19:21   wants a Moana dress and I have I know [TS]

01:19:26   for I know from the fact that I am [TS]

01:19:28   sometimes on the internet that this is [TS]

01:19:29   very controversial it's a problem and [TS]

01:19:31   it's very problem on a costume because [TS]

01:19:35   to wear a Moana costume is to I don't [TS]

01:19:38   know what it's just something for [TS]

01:19:41   intersectionality here though is this [TS]

01:19:43   something we need to I feel like but I [TS]

01:19:46   mean there's a buts of the story of [TS]

01:19:47   Moana that goes beyond that particular [TS]

01:19:49   culture and your dressing up mostly as [TS]

01:19:51   the confident girl right this is very [TS]

01:19:54   complex right because we because Moana [TS]

01:19:58   is [TS]

01:19:59   you know is a wonderful example of [TS]

01:20:02   singer she's fantastic [TS]

01:20:05   she picks like this a fantastic movie [TS]

01:20:07   but it's all and it's also wonderful as [TS]

01:20:09   an example of representation right there [TS]

01:20:12   all these beautiful stories of finally [TS]

01:20:14   the rock got a role well thank God he [TS]

01:20:17   was God bless us every [TS]

01:20:17   was God bless us every [TS]

00:00:01   [Music] [TS]

00:00:05   hello hi John [TS]

00:00:08   Merry Christmas Merlin Merry Christmas [TS]

00:00:11   John you got all your holiday shopping [TS]

00:00:14   done oh you know this was the first year [TS]

00:00:18   where I yes at least for at least for my [TS]

00:00:21   little girl [TS]

00:00:22   I started stockpiling Christmas presents [TS]

00:00:25   a long time ago oh I have an anecdote [TS]

00:00:27   John let's just say what we got to say [TS]

00:00:29   this is our very very special annual we [TS]

00:00:32   never miss we look forward to this all [TS]

00:00:33   year this is our very very special [TS]

00:00:35   Christmas Day episode it really is it [TS]

00:00:37   really is fun and you guys should go [TS]

00:00:39   back and listen to all the Christmas [TS]

00:00:40   episode Christmas episodes straight with [TS]

00:00:46   our listeners that yeah you miss a drop [TS]

00:00:48   of this goodness [TS]

00:00:49   so we're pre recording the episodes that [TS]

00:00:51   will run on Christmas Day and New Year's [TS]

00:00:54   Day and so you know we'll have these [TS]

00:00:58   ready to post so if anything happens if [TS]

00:01:00   there's any kind of I know you and Ken [TS]

00:01:01   are working on what to do in the event [TS]

00:01:02   of an apocalypse mmm so hopefully these [TS]

00:01:05   will live on beyond this but if it seems [TS]

00:01:07   a little strange is cuz we're recording [TS]

00:01:08   them a little early we recorded these in [TS]

00:01:10   June and you know my gosh it's so hot [TS]

00:01:12   yeah okay I had reason to go to a retail [TS]

00:01:21   store I want to say it was probably [TS]

00:01:24   maybe before Thanksgiving but physically [TS]

00:01:26   I will say was right after Thanksgiving [TS]

00:01:27   I think was before Thanksgiving I went [TS]

00:01:28   in I was greeted by someone in the story [TS]

00:01:31   you know what that person said to me not [TS]

00:01:33   this thing they said y'all don't like [TS]

00:01:34   your Christmas shopping mm-hmm y'all [TS]

00:01:38   done with your Christmas your Christmas [TS]

00:01:40   shopping I hope no one told you to say [TS]

00:01:46   that cuz that's a horrible thing to say [TS]

00:01:48   to someone no official especially then [TS]

00:01:50   hey I mean like as we record this in [TS]

00:01:54   June um no I'm kind of just really [TS]

00:01:58   getting into the into the swing of it [TS]

00:01:59   now baby are you are you being straight [TS]

00:02:01   up how are you have you been thinking [TS]

00:02:02   ahead about your little girls Christmas [TS]

00:02:04   well yeah and I think it started back it [TS]

00:02:08   started back around Halloween well [TS]

00:02:13   actually they Ino I think so I made the [TS]

00:02:16   mistake [TS]

00:02:17   of celebrating her half birthday when [TS]

00:02:20   she was three years old it's like you've [TS]

00:02:23   created a precedent there I did and her [TS]

00:02:26   half birthday as has since become just [TS]

00:02:29   as if not more important than her real [TS]

00:02:31   birthday she knows she's gonna celebrate [TS]

00:02:34   her real date birthday but she really [TS]

00:02:36   feels like she needs to assert her half [TS]

00:02:38   birthday and so right around her half [TS]

00:02:41   birthday I think I ordered her sweet [TS]

00:02:46   gesture but you have no idea what is [TS]

00:02:49   going to his staying power with a child [TS]

00:02:52   like sprouts or something it could be [TS]

00:02:55   the one time we decided we'll go out to [TS]

00:02:57   dinner for your happy birthday now and [TS]

00:02:59   now that's her official Jubilee [TS]

00:03:00   coronation it really is and she's like [TS]

00:03:03   half birthdays are strawberry cupcakes [TS]

00:03:05   she's like she started talking about the [TS]

00:03:08   theme of her half birthday I'm like the [TS]

00:03:10   theme she's like I want it to be a [TS]

00:03:13   superhero theme I was like the theme of [TS]

00:03:16   your half-birthday nuts but so right [TS]

00:03:22   around your half birthday I ordered her [TS]

00:03:27   several pairs I have a I have a close [TS]

00:03:29   friend who wears toe socks [TS]

00:03:32   uh-huh but you wear under shoes but over [TS]

00:03:36   feet yeah she wears she has these cute [TS]

00:03:38   little toe socks that are I think made [TS]

00:03:41   in Japan I don't know some they're very [TS]

00:03:42   cute my wife wasn't for running cuz you [TS]

00:03:45   get fewer blisters and stuff that's what [TS]

00:03:47   they're meant for I'm so cute and cozy [TS]

00:03:49   they're cute and cozy and and my pal I [TS]

00:03:52   don't think wears him for running but [TS]

00:03:54   she wears them for love like I don't [TS]

00:03:56   know what climbing walls I don't know [TS]

00:03:58   but at one point Marlowe I'm sorry at [TS]

00:04:04   one point yeah Marlowe everybody knows [TS]

00:04:06   her not being able to control John's [TS]

00:04:16   mouth pretty long time ago that's the [TS]

00:04:18   kind of tweet I'm looking forward to [TS]

00:04:19   getting on Christmas Day [TS]

00:04:27   another program I do we call him Gary [TS]

00:04:29   the privacy concern clown and he's the [TS]

00:04:31   concern troll who shows up in your men [TS]

00:04:33   cheese to say that you can see the [TS]

00:04:35   reflection of your address in the [TS]

00:04:36   toaster you must guess a lot with the [TS]

00:04:37   Instagram I do that can of corn is only [TS]

00:04:42   available at this one particular store [TS]

00:04:43   near your house somebody say the other [TS]

00:04:47   day they were like oh bad [TS]

00:04:48   OPSEC sir dad ops yeah that's a bit yeah [TS]

00:04:51   that's good because I posted a picture [TS]

00:04:55   of an envelope that if you used like the [TS]

00:04:58   same technology that they use to look [TS]

00:05:00   under girls shirts you know laying some [TS]

00:05:02   kind of some kind of Photoshop [TS]

00:05:05   technology is this the photo of your [TS]

00:05:09   diploma shaped envelope yeah my diploma [TS]

00:05:11   and someone said I can see the address [TS]

00:05:13   but haha it's actually the address of my [TS]

00:05:17   mom's old house oh-ho-ho now talk to the [TS]

00:05:24   current tenant and scrape some DNA off [TS]

00:05:26   the pillars and stuff distinct beard [TS]

00:05:33   hair here you know unfortunately [TS]

00:05:36   unfortunately OPSEC people my mom when [TS]

00:05:40   she sold that house basically converted [TS]

00:05:43   it into a new house because she was [TS]

00:05:46   because she's my mom and she was like [TS]

00:05:47   well I can't sell a house to somebody if [TS]

00:05:50   the base boards need to be recaulk [TS]

00:05:54   getaway driver wiping off the wheel but [TS]

00:05:57   for a house Oh insane I mean you see so [TS]

00:05:59   many houses where it's like where people [TS]

00:06:01   are the photographs at that the real [TS]

00:06:05   estate listings they have like Real [TS]

00:06:07   Dolls sitting on the furniture I mean [TS]

00:06:08   their houses for sale where it's really [TS]

00:06:10   gross and she's in there she spent two [TS]

00:06:13   and a half months she and Peter in there [TS]

00:06:17   like scraping and paintin time Wow [TS]

00:06:20   scraping and paintin anyway so so she's [TS]

00:06:24   ho socks [TS]

00:06:25   we found a toe sock and she was like I [TS]

00:06:29   love this where's the other one and I [TS]

00:06:31   was like I don't know I don't know how [TS]

00:06:33   you find one toe sock floating around [TS]

00:06:35   house and so she had this one toe sock [TS]

00:06:38   and then about I don't know a monthly [TS]

00:06:42   another differently colored toe sock [TS]

00:06:46   showed up at which point I couldn't find [TS]

00:06:49   the first toe sock and I was like I was [TS]

00:06:53   very confused there was a pink toe sock [TS]

00:06:54   there was a blue toe sign and I'm and [TS]

00:06:58   and and she was confused we were both [TS]

00:07:00   very confused like I know the other I [TS]

00:07:03   know the other one was pink I know the [TS]

00:07:05   other one was a left-hand foot but now [TS]

00:07:09   that I found this blue one I'm [TS]

00:07:10   questioning everything oh man [TS]

00:07:13   and so yes leaning it was it felt like [TS]

00:07:16   that but then it took me several months [TS]

00:07:18   I guess to figure out oh my friend who [TS]

00:07:22   wears toe socks also has a individual [TS]

00:07:27   affectation where she wears one shoe of [TS]

00:07:29   one color and the other shoe of it oh [TS]

00:07:30   that's fun it's a lot of fun and I [TS]

00:07:33   didn't realize it extended to socks but [TS]

00:07:36   in fact it did so I was able finally to [TS]

00:07:39   find both and combine them into one off [TS]

00:07:42   set of toe socks but my daughter is not [TS]

00:07:46   into that she does not want her socks to [TS]

00:07:48   be unmatched she wants them to be [TS]

00:07:50   matching mm-hmm so I ordered her a bunch [TS]

00:07:53   of matchi toe socks for her half [TS]

00:07:55   birthday but because of the miracles [TS]

00:08:02   that are entwined in the Prime [TS]

00:08:04   membership at Amazon they did not arrive [TS]

00:08:08   in time oh no but I but I'm not somebody [TS]

00:08:12   that's like you're gonna get a big [TS]

00:08:13   present on your half-birthday I just [TS]

00:08:15   they didn't come and I was like well [TS]

00:08:17   they didn't come so I had them and I'm [TS]

00:08:20   like I don't want to be you know I've [TS]

00:08:21   already established a half birthday [TS]

00:08:23   problem I don't want to be the dad that [TS]

00:08:25   is trickling presents out I'm trickling [TS]

00:08:28   half birthday presents out a week later [TS]

00:08:29   right that's another doesn't that [TS]

00:08:32   precedent yeah [TS]

00:08:33   or like our Midwestern thing we're like [TS]

00:08:37   it whenever you make anybody you have [TS]

00:08:38   somebody over for dinner or something [TS]

00:08:39   like that like it's it's not I still do [TS]

00:08:44   this where I'm like apologizing through [TS]

00:08:45   the meal for things I didn't do or I [TS]

00:08:47   wanted to do differently [TS]

00:08:49   and it's like you know the things you [TS]

00:08:50   don't stop for a minute and going well [TS]

00:08:51   first of all that's not fun for the [TS]

00:08:53   people who ride so they don't know and [TS]

00:08:57   it makes it about you for no reason and [TS]

00:08:58   now you're creating this expectation we [TS]

00:08:59   like oh god what's next [TS]

00:09:01   you know that's oh you're smart so you [TS]

00:09:03   caught yourself on the second one that's [TS]

00:09:05   good I I did and so I put thee now you [TS]

00:09:08   know one day it's that one day there is [TS]

00:09:12   a 1% chance that she will listen to [TS]

00:09:15   these shows certainly a less than 1% [TS]

00:09:19   chance that she will listen to these [TS]

00:09:20   shows all the way through to the [TS]

00:09:22   Christmas episode they have an AI or [TS]

00:09:25   some machine that she can quit right so [TS]

00:09:29   I'm gonna give it away that what I did [TS]

00:09:31   with the toe socks is I put them over [TS]

00:09:32   the refrigerator in the cupboard over [TS]

00:09:34   the refrigerator nice and that that's [TS]

00:09:35   where I think a lot of presents went [TS]

00:09:37   when I was a kid that's where my dad [TS]

00:09:39   kept his pistol you know the thing over [TS]

00:09:42   the refrigerator it's just like that's [TS]

00:09:43   the hardest thing that's the hardest [TS]

00:09:45   place in the house to get to if you're a [TS]

00:09:46   little kid so the toe socks went up [TS]

00:09:49   there and then Halloween came and right [TS]

00:09:54   right immediately after Halloween [TS]

00:09:57   because we went through all this thing [TS]

00:09:59   for three months she's like I want to be [TS]

00:10:02   this I want to be mulana and I was like [TS]

00:10:05   well and then she changed it and she was [TS]

00:10:07   like I want to be ninja Moana and I'm [TS]

00:10:10   like fine I'm trying to think of all the [TS]

00:10:13   parts I need to get for that and then [TS]

00:10:15   she's like I want to be ninja Moana from [TS]

00:10:18   frozen Oh working on it working on it [TS]

00:10:22   and then at the very last minute she's [TS]

00:10:24   like I want to be a butterfly and I'm [TS]

00:10:26   like okay change changing course and [TS]

00:10:28   then she's like I want to be a ninja [TS]

00:10:30   butterfly from the water huh like you [TS]

00:10:34   know and so we got her together for [TS]

00:10:36   Halloween she had like three different [TS]

00:10:38   events to go to and she had five [TS]

00:10:40   different costumes because she likes to [TS]

00:10:41   change costumes halfway through and then [TS]

00:10:44   two days later she says I got invited to [TS]

00:10:49   a superhero party and I want to be [TS]

00:10:52   Supergirl I was like fine and she said [TS]

00:10:56   it's today [TS]

00:10:59   or tomorrow like tomorrow that's that's [TS]

00:11:01   pretty short notice for a Supergirl [TS]

00:11:02   outfit so I went on my Amazon Prime [TS]

00:11:05   because I still I haven't been a prime [TS]

00:11:07   subscriber for very long I know you have [TS]

00:11:09   for a long time but I still have this [TS]

00:11:12   fantasy has become like a habit too you [TS]

00:11:14   know and I still have a sense of like [TS]

00:11:17   well if you order it on prime it shows [TS]

00:11:18   up immediately somebody comes on a drone [TS]

00:11:20   or there's a dirigible or something that [TS]

00:11:22   it'll be there and so I ordered a [TS]

00:11:24   superhero Supergirl costume and I get [TS]

00:11:26   that you know there are 25 different [TS]

00:11:27   kinds so I got the one that I thought [TS]

00:11:29   was you know gonna last because I want [TS]

00:11:33   her to have it into the entertainment to [TS]

00:11:35   college or get married in it it did not [TS]

00:11:38   arrive in time for the superhero Gustin [TS]

00:11:41   and she was stipulated that she that [TS]

00:11:45   this was a real superhero party and not [TS]

00:11:48   a superhero party where daddy gets to [TS]

00:11:50   invent a kind of superhero you needs to [TS]

00:11:53   be like a known brand or franchise I [TS]

00:11:56   can't can't be like a pickled lady or [TS]

00:11:59   something no recipe person I actually [TS]

00:12:04   did go to a Halloween party of hers one [TS]

00:12:07   time as mr. pickle I just decided that [TS]

00:12:12   that was a superhero and I was mr. [TS]

00:12:14   pickle that's I don't know how you knew [TS]

00:12:16   that but that that's actually one I've [TS]

00:12:18   done and she wasn't that impressed with [TS]

00:12:21   that and she is not and she she knew in [TS]

00:12:23   advance that there was a possibility [TS]

00:12:25   that I was going to send her as you know [TS]

00:12:29   like miss flag hero dressed head-to-toe [TS]

00:12:33   in like Canadian nautical standards she [TS]

00:12:39   was like I want to be a real superheroes [TS]

00:12:41   ticket stub she's very into Supergirl so [TS]

00:12:46   I was like Supergirl it is well TV show [TS]

00:12:49   uh I think that a lot of this stuff she [TS]

00:12:52   gets yeah yeah yeah she's super duper [TS]

00:12:57   into Star Wars and she's never seen any [TS]

00:12:59   Star Wars that's a thing she's got dark [TS]

00:13:01   Vader everything and she I'm like why is [TS]

00:13:05   dark Vader the one that you like she's [TS]

00:13:08   like why is dark Vader the one you like [TS]

00:13:10   what are you talking about it's dark [TS]

00:13:11   Vader [TS]

00:13:12   yes ma'am she's got a dark Vador thermos [TS]

00:13:17   and she's very into it anyway so Super [TS]

00:13:22   Girl Costume arrives too late for [TS]

00:13:25   superhero party and so she ends up going [TS]

00:13:30   to superhero party as a kind of [TS]

00:13:34   superhero that she and her father [TS]

00:13:37   concocted but she took the lead on it so [TS]

00:13:41   she was fine with it I think that she [TS]

00:13:45   was butterfly ninja girl so anyway this [TS]

00:13:49   nice super super girl costume arrives [TS]

00:13:51   and I'm like up above the refrigerator [TS]

00:13:56   right uh-huh [TS]

00:13:58   so now I've got toe socks and Super Girl [TS]

00:14:03   costume I'm glad I get where you're [TS]

00:14:08   going with this doesn't know what wasn't [TS]

00:14:12   there that's right it's an elaborate [TS]

00:14:15   long con shell game I have already I've [TS]

00:14:20   already established that she wants a [TS]

00:14:22   super girl costume a long time ago and [TS]

00:14:25   she she's probably like moved on from it [TS]

00:14:29   but only because she didn't feel like it [TS]

00:14:31   was in the offing mm-hmm so all these [TS]

00:14:36   things are gonna arrive and then there [TS]

00:14:37   was a I held off getting her Barbie [TS]

00:14:40   stuff for a long time we tried to it was [TS]

00:14:43   it was it came in the side door from [TS]

00:14:44   relatives yes yep that's exactly right [TS]

00:14:48   they they they show up I don't know how [TS]

00:14:50   yeah but I was somewhere maybe an [TS]

00:14:54   airport a long time ago and I bought her [TS]

00:14:57   a Barbie bicycle with like a bastok and [TS]

00:15:02   a little dog maybe it's got like 14 [TS]

00:15:05   parts and I I got it home and I felt [TS]

00:15:09   like at the time she was too she'd only [TS]

00:15:12   just gotten her first Barbie and she was [TS]

00:15:15   too young to have a you know this Barbie [TS]

00:15:18   has like in the past it gets got like a [TS]

00:15:20   loaf bread or a bottle of bourbon and [TS]

00:15:22   you know like a like a pot pipe it's a [TS]

00:15:25   it's Juggalo Barney this episode of [TS]

00:15:30   Roderick on the line is brought to you [TS]

00:15:32   by Squarespace [TS]

00:15:33   you can learn more about Squarespace [TS]

00:15:34   right now by visiting squarespace.com [TS]

00:15:37   Merry Christmas [TS]

00:15:39   Squarespace happy holidays happy [TS]

00:15:41   everybody happy everything you can get [TS]

00:15:43   on the Squarespace you know about [TS]

00:15:44   Squarespace why don't you start your you [TS]

00:15:45   know what structure your off right and [TS]

00:15:48   you get on Squarespace because with [TS]

00:15:49   Squarespace you can create a beautiful [TS]

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00:16:45   encouraging you to get out there and [TS]

00:16:46   make it make yourself make a stand out [TS]

00:16:48   make it on your Squarespace hmm if [TS]

00:16:51   you're listening to this show and I [TS]

00:16:52   think you are you probably know already [TS]

00:16:54   that Roderick on the line is down it has [TS]

00:16:56   always been hosted on Squarespace the [TS]

00:16:58   audio files text files the image files [TS]

00:17:00   it's all just in there I love to death [TS]

00:17:03   I'm a huge fan and I can actually say I [TS]

00:17:04   really recommend them so go out right [TS]

00:17:05   now you go check out Squarespace comm [TS]

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00:17:14   website or domain squarespace.com our [TS]

00:17:17   thanks to Squarespace for supporting [TS]

00:17:18   Rodrick on the line and all the great [TS]

00:17:23   so that went up above the fridge - and [TS]

00:17:27   now she's old enough for it uh-huh so [TS]

00:17:32   just so we're clear it is a typical it's [TS]

00:17:38   not like a Lego thing it's an actual [TS]

00:17:39   Barbie sized Barbie set yes it is it's a [TS]

00:17:44   big it's a it's a full-on bicycle that [TS]

00:17:46   Barbie can ride it's a pretty nice [TS]

00:17:47   little thing and then the last thing [TS]

00:17:50   that went up above the fridge was I was [TS]

00:17:51   at a thrift store the other day and I'm [TS]

00:17:54   going through the lapel pins and [TS]

00:17:56   cufflinks as you do because every once [TS]

00:18:00   while you find a lapel pin that's like [TS]

00:18:01   World's Fair 1964 or something that you [TS]

00:18:05   know some lapel pin that says I'm one of [TS]

00:18:08   the 12 people that walked on the moon [TS]

00:18:09   like oh I'll pay 99 cents for that sure [TS]

00:18:13   but I found a very nice enamel lapel pin [TS]

00:18:19   of the Superman logo oh how nice that [TS]

00:18:24   some I can only imagine the person that [TS]

00:18:28   wore this right like just like instead [TS]

00:18:33   of a flag pin just a little like [TS]

00:18:35   Superman pin I mean I don't know I'm not [TS]

00:18:39   sure whether that was whether it's a [TS]

00:18:40   fedora that wore it or what but it but [TS]

00:18:43   there it was and I said Supergirl [TS]

00:18:48   same-same I'll get the Supergirl pin and [TS]

00:18:52   then she can wear Supergirl pin even [TS]

00:18:53   when she's not in Supergirl costume so [TS]

00:18:57   there I've got four things no I don't [TS]

00:18:59   know and I don't want to be one of those [TS]

00:19:02   parents that's got like 12 presents for [TS]

00:19:04   your kid yourself don't want that like a [TS]

00:19:10   people I said well it's not I'm [TS]

00:19:11   competing somewhat with her expectations [TS]

00:19:13   but they're driven by my own like oh [TS]

00:19:14   there isn't a good big one yet we still [TS]

00:19:17   need a big one yeah the big one problem [TS]

00:19:20   yes we gotta have a big one it's got to [TS]

00:19:22   be one we open all the cool stuff in the [TS]

00:19:24   angry socks and books and then that's [TS]

00:19:27   all of them yeah that Christmas story [TS]

00:19:29   might be one more behind [TS]

00:19:31   to van and you go know what I don't know [TS]

00:19:34   why I don't know why I don't have a big [TS]

00:19:36   one yet tip a divan well you know I've [TS]

00:19:39   got a 30 year old couch yeah now it's [TS]

00:19:42   not a good one for me to get for my wife [TS]

00:19:44   she's really tired of having the [TS]

00:19:45   secondhand couch that I got in the 90s [TS]

00:19:46   she's really not truly ready for a [TS]

00:19:49   grownup couch do you feel qualified to [TS]

00:19:53   pick a grownup couch that she'll be like [TS]

00:19:56   that she'll find acceptable well I don't [TS]

00:20:00   take you off the story cuz you're going [TS]

00:20:01   in a very interesting direction your [TS]

00:20:02   almonds say is this I got beef with [TS]

00:20:06   people buying furniture that is the [TS]

00:20:09   wrong scale for a room oh god me too [TS]

00:20:12   I had very very dear dear friends who I [TS]

00:20:15   don't know if they thought it was gonna [TS]

00:20:17   fit in that room you it ends up like [TS]

00:20:20   you're like you're playing trains with [TS]

00:20:22   two different scales and like they got a [TS]

00:20:24   big giant poufy secretary you can't like [TS]

00:20:26   a Totoro chair that three people can sit [TS]

00:20:29   in and it's in one of these rooms in a [TS]

00:20:31   San Francisco flat like an 800 square [TS]

00:20:33   foot flat and you're like oh dude [TS]

00:20:34   there's just this is wrong so ours is a [TS]

00:20:37   very like probably from the 60s or 70s [TS]

00:20:39   naugahyde couch it's very low-profile it [TS]

00:20:41   fits nearly perfectly into the area we [TS]

00:20:44   have now most of the couches we want and [TS]

00:20:45   look at first of all they're very costly [TS]

00:20:47   a couch is not a cheap thing but they're [TS]

00:20:50   also almost all like six inches wider or [TS]

00:20:52   higher than we want yep and I feel like [TS]

00:20:55   this is the kind of thing where you got [TS]

00:20:56   to visit it in the store you have to [TS]

00:20:57   inhabit it you bring a tape measure [TS]

00:20:59   maybe some 3d modeling yeah I know that [TS]

00:21:03   couch that's in your living room quite [TS]

00:21:05   well it's pretty confident it's pretty [TS]

00:21:07   great and you know and I want to say [TS]

00:21:09   that I've slept on it many times but of [TS]

00:21:11   course I haven't because Erik Corson [TS]

00:21:12   slept on it many times even stuck with [TS]

00:21:14   that that doesn't stay inflated yeah I [TS]

00:21:18   remember that bed but you know for a [TS]

00:21:21   long time you gave me the you actually [TS]

00:21:23   had a spare bed mm-hmm that was somewhat [TS]

00:21:26   taco shaped but it was an actual bed and [TS]

00:21:30   then the then the inflatable bed came [TS]

00:21:32   out yeah those don't those don't have [TS]

00:21:35   it's good it's got a lot we've gotten [TS]

00:21:37   better ones since then now that we've [TS]

00:21:38   become somewhat camping people we we [TS]

00:21:40   have some camping right okay so so [TS]

00:21:43   you're we're back to your strategy here [TS]

00:21:45   you already got yourself in a little bit [TS]

00:21:47   of a pickle with this half birthday [TS]

00:21:48   situation yeah you have and I I'm also [TS]

00:21:52   experienced what you have and this this [TS]

00:21:54   makes me sound like a I don't know [TS]

00:21:56   terrible person but but I'll do stuff [TS]

00:21:58   like I will keep a treat in the chamber [TS]

00:22:04   or maybe in the magazine better put but [TS]

00:22:06   I for example like a not too costly Lego [TS]

00:22:08   set I'll like keep around and hidden and [TS]

00:22:10   if there's a particularly bad day or a [TS]

00:22:12   particularly good day or particularly [TS]

00:22:13   you just did a great thing you get a [TS]

00:22:14   treat thing I'm able to induce a Lego [TS]

00:22:17   kid so I am familiar with this I don't [TS]

00:22:19   want to call it this stockpile of [TS]

00:22:21   potential presence that can be deployed [TS]

00:22:23   they're also great it's also good I [TS]

00:22:25   don't know how much you run you're gonna [TS]

00:22:26   run into this more and more if you [TS]

00:22:28   haven't already you know like say say [TS]

00:22:31   somehow you accidentally got two copies [TS]

00:22:33   of a book or there was some holiday [TS]

00:22:35   where you got two copies of a present or [TS]

00:22:36   you just whatever this kind of thing [TS]

00:22:38   happens especially in the Amazon [TS]

00:22:40   ecosystem you keep those around you know [TS]

00:22:41   those are great for you go to a party [TS]

00:22:43   last minute you find out you're going to [TS]

00:22:45   a birthday party you got a gift oh [TS]

00:22:47   that's so good yeah so you keep around [TS]

00:22:51   like a small nearly $10 $20 Lego set you [TS]

00:22:54   know mm-hmm but now you gotta exist the [TS]

00:22:56   urge you know it's there I I scored one [TS]

00:23:00   time really big on that and I and I felt [TS]

00:23:03   like I kind of got I got a my balloon [TS]

00:23:06   popped one time really big on that the [TS]

00:23:09   best one the one time it worked was the [TS]

00:23:11   the rege if ting one that you're talking [TS]

00:23:13   about somebody gave Marlowe a [TS]

00:23:18   calligraphy set when she was three we [TS]

00:23:29   got a calligraphy set much later and [TS]

00:23:30   it's extremely messy yeah I mean it's [TS]

00:23:34   there's not enough New York Times in the [TS]

00:23:37   world to accommodate the ink that it's [TS]

00:23:39   going to be everywhere please honey [TS]

00:23:41   could you please do that only at the [TS]

00:23:43   kitchen table please please please [TS]

00:23:45   yes I'm very young to get calligraphy [TS]

00:23:47   because also kids can't write yes no [TS]

00:23:50   this was the thing where she was at the [TS]

00:23:52   level of like put a green crayon in her [TS]

00:23:55   hand and she's like green [TS]

00:23:57   and it's like here's this calligraphy [TS]

00:23:59   set like thou art mine own time and it's [TS]

00:24:06   just like what are you doing old person [TS]

00:24:08   this is not three appropriate so that [TS]

00:24:11   went into a cupboard and I kept I kept [TS]

00:24:14   looking at it and I was like ah it's too [TS]

00:24:17   nice to give to a thrift store at the [TS]

00:24:20   moment because I feel like this is gonna [TS]

00:24:22   get and then there was a birthday and I [TS]

00:24:24   said this is someone else's problem now [TS]

00:24:27   I'm gonna put this I'm gonna wrap this [TS]

00:24:29   I'm gonna take this to this little boy's [TS]

00:24:32   birthday party well seems like something [TS]

00:24:34   he's pretty you know he's a pretty [TS]

00:24:35   delicate Lea attuned little boy he may [TS]

00:24:41   enjoy this and it and it came out at his [TS]

00:24:43   birthday party and he was surprised and [TS]

00:24:47   my kid was surprised that she had [TS]

00:24:49   thought of this wonderful gift and off [TS]

00:24:53   we were it was like last-minute birthday [TS]

00:24:55   party and it was a big success the time [TS]

00:24:58   I got burned was she loves my spaceman [TS]

00:25:06   mm-hmm my Merlin man man gifted Space [TS]

00:25:12   Pen could you used to give Space Pen I [TS]

00:25:15   did that was a that was a gift that use [TS]

00:25:17   the thing that I would do that's another [TS]

00:25:18   one of those things I stockpile doesn't [TS]

00:25:20   give away as a gift and I have one I [TS]

00:25:22   carry one in my wallet at all times [TS]

00:25:24   always have my space pen and she always [TS]

00:25:27   wants it she's like any time we go [TS]

00:25:30   somewhere she she never forgets it's [TS]

00:25:32   there and she always wants this basement [TS]

00:25:35   so one time I thought and it was for [TS]

00:25:40   some half birthday I was like I'm gonna [TS]

00:25:42   get her her own space pen and they make [TS]

00:25:45   them in purple I'm gonna get her a [TS]

00:25:48   purple space pen so I got one I ordered [TS]

00:25:54   it from Amazon dot prime right and it [TS]

00:25:59   didn't come in time oh come on Jon why [TS]

00:26:03   they crapping you- what's going on I [TS]

00:26:05   thought they was supposed to come the [TS]

00:26:07   next day edit and it never does it's [TS]

00:26:10   always like your thing [TS]

00:26:11   be here in ten days I'm like what is [TS]

00:26:13   this yeah we're sure to select the [TS]

00:26:14   problem is here's how they get you to [TS]

00:26:15   see you know this is might be a rookie [TS]

00:26:18   error it'll say on there available for [TS]

00:26:20   delivery today or tomorrow and then you [TS]

00:26:22   go to your car and you click and say [TS]

00:26:24   yeah I'm gonna get it you gotta remember [TS]

00:26:25   to go in and double-check that you [TS]

00:26:26   clicked the fastest free option that's [TS]

00:26:29   available cuz they will grab me negative [TS]

00:26:31   and they'll say oh yeah we just deliver [TS]

00:26:32   two days or whatever comes in ten days I [TS]

00:26:36   see that's no good that's that's no good [TS]

00:26:39   so this space pen went up above the [TS]

00:26:42   refrigerator and it was there for months [TS]

00:26:44   and then it was her first day of first [TS]

00:26:48   grade and I was like what a great [TS]

00:26:52   present to give on the first day of [TS]

00:26:54   first grade [TS]

00:26:55   mm-hmm and I took her all the way into [TS]

00:26:57   her class and oh oh no no no you know [TS]

00:27:01   what it was I was in New York and I flew [TS]

00:27:05   back because I didn't want to miss her [TS]

00:27:07   first day oh nice but I but I flew back [TS]

00:27:10   and it was the type of it was like a [TS]

00:27:12   flight that landed at 6:30 a.m. and her [TS]

00:27:17   first day of school started at 8:00 Oh [TS]

00:27:19   God and so I ran through the airport and [TS]

00:27:22   I jumped in a car and I had the car take [TS]

00:27:24   me directly to her school and she was [TS]

00:27:27   already in the school and they were [TS]

00:27:29   already in the classroom and she's [TS]

00:27:32   they're just buzzing with the energy of [TS]

00:27:36   the first day of school I still remember [TS]

00:27:39   it was so exciting [TS]

00:27:40   just like the smells in the wood and the [TS]

00:27:43   halls and oh my god yeah and then her [TS]

00:27:47   father arrives in the doorway of her [TS]

00:27:49   classroom she hasn't seen me in a week [TS]

00:27:53   cuz I've been in New York and I come [TS]

00:27:56   into the class because I am like my [TS]

00:27:58   father all the other parents like drop [TS]

00:28:03   their kids off and then stand on the [TS]

00:28:05   playground expectantly but I like walk [TS]

00:28:07   in and introduce myself to the teacher [TS]

00:28:09   and introduce myself to the assistant [TS]

00:28:11   teacher and I walk around and put my [TS]

00:28:13   hand on top of the head of every kid I [TS]

00:28:15   recognize which is like you know 14 of [TS]

00:28:18   the 23 kids [TS]

00:28:25   hey you know that you're a little [TS]

00:28:26   Granger your name is cracker right [TS]

00:28:31   probably clattering every year she's had [TS]

00:28:42   at least two and sometimes three Aiden's [TS]

00:28:43   in her class Aiden and I don't know [TS]

00:28:45   where that name comes from is that an [TS]

00:28:47   Irish name I don't know he's an American [TS]

00:28:50   kids they could become an Aiden Aiden [TS]

00:28:52   well I we have two Harper's in her life [TS]

00:28:54   once a girl wants a boy how about that [TS]

00:28:57   yeah and I never even knew that Harper [TS]

00:29:00   was a name you could give a kid let [TS]

00:29:01   alone that it was a unisex name so [TS]

00:29:05   touching children's heads your own [TS]

00:29:08   I'm hello hello and she's sitting over [TS]

00:29:10   in the corner watching her dad do this [TS]

00:29:12   like walk around where you know and I'm [TS]

00:29:16   like I'm lifting up tapestries and [TS]

00:29:18   looking on what's behind them and I'm [TS]

00:29:20   open and it's like what's going on okay [TS]

00:29:24   this this class passes muster and I [TS]

00:29:26   finally make it over to my little girl [TS]

00:29:28   and I say sweetie I have a present for [TS]

00:29:32   you and she's like what but but her eyes [TS]

00:29:36   are barely focusing and I hand her this [TS]

00:29:40   purple space pen which I have been [TS]

00:29:42   hoarding for at least six months and she [TS]

00:29:48   opens it up and she's just like Oh [TS]

00:29:52   anyway daddy I would like you to leave [TS]

00:29:54   now [TS]

00:29:54   oh no so it begins well that's a one-two [TS]

00:29:58   punch yeah and I'm gonna to the in [TS]

00:30:01   gratitude pairs nicely with the [TS]

00:30:03   dismissal oh well yeah just like [TS]

00:30:05   dismissed already out but the purple [TS]

00:30:09   space pen here's the here's the [TS]

00:30:11   devastating part the purple space pen [TS]

00:30:12   just sort of disappeared I have never [TS]

00:30:14   seen it since and she continues to ask [TS]

00:30:19   for my space pen and I don't want to be [TS]

00:30:22   the dad that's like what ever happened [TS]

00:30:24   to your space pen so I dutifully hand my [TS]

00:30:27   space pen over at at times and I'm [TS]

00:30:31   always trying to get her to like carry a [TS]

00:30:33   bag that's got all of her stuff in your [TS]

00:30:36   mouth to God's ear [TS]

00:30:38   she doesn't she's not able to know [TS]

00:30:41   that's basically you're a pocket with a [TS]

00:30:43   checkbook you just walk around there [TS]

00:30:45   you're a pack mule like it's just your [TS]

00:30:47   job to carry all the things this whole [TS]

00:30:50   organization that's gonna think about [TS]

00:30:51   where things get looking no you know [TS]

00:30:53   what let's not carry a poster when we go [TS]

00:30:56   to the grocery store what why are we [TS]

00:30:58   bringing a poster to the grocery store [TS]

00:31:00   and who's gonna have to end up carrying [TS]

00:31:01   it [TS]

00:31:01   spoiler alert not you yeah a poster oh [TS]

00:31:06   just the craziest stuff and just the [TS]

00:31:08   impractical pret impractical shoes and [TS]

00:31:10   then when she does get it back it's like [TS]

00:31:12   a fancy bag you can't even put anything [TS]

00:31:14   in just don't she's way better at that [TS]

00:31:16   she we got to finally got her if she [TS]

00:31:17   said we said when she got into fourth [TS]

00:31:18   grade she could have a roller backpack [TS]

00:31:20   and you know like Crate & Barrel makes [TS]

00:31:22   these really nice backpack so that every [TS]

00:31:24   kid whenever you see those backpacks [TS]

00:31:25   everybody has it's usually a Crate and [TS]

00:31:27   Barrel the great backpack roller [TS]

00:31:28   backpack and now that's that's that's [TS]

00:31:31   the locus of all activity but I feel you [TS]

00:31:34   well the Impractical shoes I can't stand [TS]

00:31:36   oh well that's not to be in your bonnet [TS]

00:31:39   but I'm like like a mini we're gonna be [TS]

00:31:40   on Muni and you're gonna you're gonna [TS]

00:31:43   have San Francisco all over your feet [TS]

00:31:45   think about how much San Francisco you [TS]

00:31:47   want well you're gonna wear sparkly [TS]

00:31:48   shoes with no socks is that really what [TS]

00:31:50   you is that really what you want on your [TS]

00:31:51   feet for two hours Seattle is cold and [TS]

00:31:54   rainy all winter long will be you leave [TS]

00:31:58   your house you know you plan ahead leave [TS]

00:32:00   the house like there's gonna be a [TS]

00:32:01   fucking tsunami yeah because there will [TS]

00:32:04   be a tsunami you'll be ankled tomorrow [TS]

00:32:07   you're gonna be glad you brought a [TS]

00:32:08   jacket one day one day on my deathbed [TS]

00:32:10   you will come to me and you'll say I'm [TS]

00:32:11   so glad I bought a jacket I should [TS]

00:32:12   always wear layers so her mother likes [TS]

00:32:16   impractical shoes and she bought her [TS]

00:32:18   apparently some black what I would [TS]

00:32:21   consider ballet slippers they called [TS]

00:32:24   them like nice shoes I don't like see it [TS]

00:32:26   yeah where it feels like how you gonna [TS]

00:32:30   climb a fence in those like what if hey [TS]

00:32:32   sweetie what if the shit goes down and [TS]

00:32:35   we need to March right like what if we [TS]

00:32:38   have to March baby [TS]

00:32:39   are you kidding option let me explain [TS]

00:32:40   something to you I learned this from [TS]

00:32:41   from General Eisenhower sometimes you [TS]

00:32:44   don't even know what is it you're [TS]

00:32:44   planning for right [TS]

00:32:46   you mean all you all I can tell you is [TS]

00:32:48   is again to to paraphrase eisenhower [TS]

00:32:51   the plan is nothing but the planning is [TS]

00:32:52   everything I don't know what you're [TS]

00:32:54   gonna face if there is a zombie [TS]

00:32:56   apocalypse and I'm not saying it's gonna [TS]

00:32:58   happen today but if there is some kind [TS]

00:33:00   of a virus that goes on all throughout [TS]

00:33:01   King County is that really the shoes you [TS]

00:33:03   want to be wearing is that the sugar [TS]

00:33:04   warning so when that when the [TS]

00:33:06   searchlights are in the sky and like and [TS]

00:33:16   you're you and your dad arrives in your [TS]

00:33:18   at your school and everyone else is just [TS]

00:33:21   the it's blackout conditions and they're [TS]

00:33:23   all wide-eyed and staring cabinet they [TS]

00:33:26   grab their small bag that's packed they [TS]

00:33:28   flip it over the shoulder and the REA [TS]

00:33:29   it's like it's like battle royale you [TS]

00:33:31   get your weapon II just start running [TS]

00:33:32   let's go we're headed to the mountains [TS]

00:33:35   and I sent her to school in Boots and I [TS]

00:33:38   pick her up and she's in these little [TS]

00:33:41   fucking flats or these little black and [TS]

00:33:44   I'm like where did those even come from [TS]

00:33:45   and she says you have tea served to you [TS]

00:33:50   in there and they're tucked into her [TS]

00:33:53   back and I and the first thing she says [TS]

00:33:56   to me is will you carry my boots will I [TS]

00:34:02   carry your boots how did these little [TS]

00:34:04   things even get out when did you make [TS]

00:34:06   this decision and I said to her did you [TS]

00:34:10   wear your boots today or did you wear [TS]

00:34:11   these little things and she's like oh I [TS]

00:34:13   wore my boots all day I just changed [TS]

00:34:14   into and I'm like uh-huh [TS]

00:34:16   I don't even know if I buy that yeah [TS]

00:34:19   butter wouldn't melt in your mouth give [TS]

00:34:21   me a break so so so anyway it's a copy [TS]

00:34:27   for the pen it's been a big deal you're [TS]

00:34:29   ready and I know this feeling this [TS]

00:34:30   feeling of like oh oh boy I'm gonna kill [TS]

00:34:32   it with this one cuz this is the thing I [TS]

00:34:33   know finally there's something you're [TS]

00:34:35   gonna treasure you're gonna take care of [TS]

00:34:38   it's gonna be giving you the watch [TS]

00:34:40   that's been in this guy's ass this is [TS]

00:34:42   gonna be something treasure for the rest [TS]

00:34:43   of your life purple space pen first day [TS]

00:34:45   of school dad comes in touches kids [TS]

00:34:47   heads gives you a space pen you're gonna [TS]

00:34:48   have that at graduation you'll give it [TS]

00:34:50   back that's right in tears first day of [TS]

00:34:52   first grade I'm this thing's gonna be [TS]

00:34:53   all battered and dent dented by the time [TS]

00:34:56   you go off to law school or whatever and [TS]

00:34:59   this will be the one that you sign the [TS]

00:35:01   bill that allows [TS]

00:35:03   you know that allows lizards to have [TS]

00:35:06   full rights in the United States what if [TS]

00:35:08   that's the what if that's the pen that [TS]

00:35:09   she uses to sign in into a law to keep [TS]

00:35:12   moving and get out of the way act ah see [TS]

00:35:15   the purple space pen that she says and [TS]

00:35:17   she says to the the assembled group as I [TS]

00:35:21   son this keep moving and get out of the [TS]

00:35:22   way acts I used the pen that my father [TS]

00:35:25   gave me on the first day of first grade [TS]

00:35:26   when he went around embarrassing me I'll [TS]

00:35:28   never forget it I've kept it by my side [TS]

00:35:30   every day yeah [TS]

00:35:32   and instead it's just like it went into [TS]

00:35:33   the bottom of a bag and never saw it [TS]

00:35:35   again because she's got 40 bags Jesus [TS]

00:35:37   and the thing is I used to go into the [TS]

00:35:39   Filson restoration department because I [TS]

00:35:42   knew all the little bag makers and we [TS]

00:35:45   would sit and talk about the bag that I [TS]

00:35:47   was gonna have custom-made for her a [TS]

00:35:50   custom Filson bag and they used to say [TS]

00:35:53   like well what if we sourced some sale [TS]

00:35:57   cloth from like the the USS Constitution [TS]

00:36:00   and I was like I don't know if that's [TS]

00:36:02   enough I don't know if that's good [TS]

00:36:04   enough do you have any you have any [TS]

00:36:05   cloth that that actually went to the [TS]

00:36:07   Yukon that you've been keeping in some [TS]

00:36:10   backroom and they're like let's let us [TS]

00:36:12   check you know and I would sit and say [TS]

00:36:15   like well when you get in a special [TS]

00:36:17   bunch of leather that's been dyed purple [TS]

00:36:19   give me a call and I did that until the [TS]

00:36:23   people that went that worked in the [TS]

00:36:24   Phils and restoration store ended up [TS]

00:36:26   going to work for Patagonia and a whole [TS]

00:36:28   bunch of new characters are there now [TS]

00:36:30   okay and I'm cultivating them but I keep [TS]

00:36:33   thinking about that space pen and I'm [TS]

00:36:35   like I'm gonna I'm gonna hand her this [TS]

00:36:37   this Filson bag that I had custom-made [TS]

00:36:40   one-of-a-kind one-of-a-kind and it's [TS]

00:36:42   like what if we took the you know what [TS]

00:36:44   if we took be like classic book bag but [TS]

00:36:47   we combined elements of the 256 and you [TS]

00:36:50   know and I realize like oh that's only [TS]

00:36:53   what I'm thinking that's only what I [TS]

00:36:55   care about she'll throw that into a pile [TS]

00:36:57   with a bunch of other bags and say like [TS]

00:36:59   it's too heavy [TS]

00:37:00   I'm gonna put my purple space pen in and [TS]

00:37:02   then throw it into a furnace so I don't [TS]

00:37:06   know what I don't know what to do I just [TS]

00:37:07   have to keep I just have to keep buying [TS]

00:37:09   or Supergirl costumes and hope that one [TS]

00:37:11   day I get it right yeah [TS]

00:37:13   but I don't know what's your big present [TS]

00:37:16   gonna be this year you get a you need a [TS]

00:37:17   big one you know you need a big one you [TS]

00:37:19   need a bang or you know part of the [TS]

00:37:22   thing is this is bigger baby boo boo [TS]

00:37:26   there are certain franchises and types [TS]

00:37:31   of toys then she only seems to think [TS]

00:37:37   about when it's time for a present [TS]

00:37:39   giving occasion not exclusively but like [TS]

00:37:43   her her her aunt gave her an American [TS]

00:37:46   Girl doll a few years ago which is this [TS]

00:37:47   really costly really nice at all and she [TS]

00:37:49   likes the doll she takes good care of [TS]

00:37:51   the doll but like she's not it's she's [TS]

00:37:54   not it's not like minecraft it's not [TS]

00:37:56   something she's doing like looking [TS]

00:37:57   forward to doing everyday but then right [TS]

00:38:00   around the into November she's like up [TS]

00:38:02   you know you know auntie Susie know [TS]

00:38:07   about time to get some more maybe get an [TS]

00:38:09   American Girl ski set with a little [TS]

00:38:11   broken leg and all that stuff you know [TS]

00:38:15   and you know that's weird right now she [TS]

00:38:19   like like so many kids her age are just [TS]

00:38:21   obsessed with all these little branded [TS]

00:38:23   plastic things you get the sound Oh like [TS]

00:38:25   you get on my couch cheese but there's [TS]

00:38:29   Minnie so I don't know if it still [TS]

00:38:30   wasn't shopkins that kicked his other [TS]

00:38:32   shopkins which you would love it's a [TS]

00:38:34   small toy about buying things pure no [TS]

00:38:37   she came to me and said shopkins and I [TS]

00:38:39   was like shopkins is a restaurant in New [TS]

00:38:41   York City where the guy yells at you oh [TS]

00:38:43   right you got a big dude give you a [TS]

00:38:44   corned beef sandwich well there's those [TS]

00:38:46   things and and and right now she's [TS]

00:38:49   really into these like squishy things [TS]

00:38:51   like a squishy cinnamon bun you can have [TS]

00:38:53   a squishy popcorn box that's very [TS]

00:38:55   popular in her her retinue but yeah but [TS]

00:38:58   I but of course you know I'm I'm trying [TS]

00:39:00   not to inject too much of myself into it [TS]

00:39:02   because you know it's the the festival [TS]

00:39:05   of lights and whatnot and then I don't [TS]

00:39:07   want I want to keep my purple pen out of [TS]

00:39:09   the situation so you're not gonna you're [TS]

00:39:13   not gonna get her like a Wilberforce car [TS]

00:39:15   or something no [TS]

00:39:17   Shh no no no no I know the world [TS]

00:39:23   Wilberforce mobile i I have so I'm [TS]

00:39:26   pretty good my wife is great at the [TS]

00:39:29   stocking stuffer thing she's very very [TS]

00:39:30   good at that I think she buys a little [TS]

00:39:32   too much and she overfill them a little [TS]

00:39:33   bit but that's the right kind of problem [TS]

00:39:35   I'm pretty great at the middle-sized [TS]

00:39:39   present so my wife is awesome at the I [TS]

00:39:42   mean she's good lots of stuff but one of [TS]

00:39:43   the things she takes care a lot of like [TS]

00:39:45   the small stuff and the stocking [TS]

00:39:46   stuffers and when I say stocking [TS]

00:39:47   stuffers I'm talking about like you know [TS]

00:39:49   there could be some really cool stuff [TS]

00:39:51   and some skincare products and some toys [TS]

00:39:53   and lots of candy and something about [TS]

00:39:54   she's great at that I'm good at the [TS]

00:39:56   mediums I'm good at the $30 Lego box I'm [TS]

00:40:00   good at the electronics kit level of [TS]

00:40:04   stuff you know you're 20 to $60 range [TS]

00:40:07   gift not to make this about dollars and [TS]

00:40:09   cents but you know the medium size the [TS]

00:40:11   like a pretty good pretty good present [TS]

00:40:13   like nobody's gonna turn down a lego [TS]

00:40:15   creator set that's aggressive great set [TS]

00:40:17   yeah but then I struggle with the big [TS]

00:40:20   one cuz the big one does not always [TS]

00:40:21   endure the big one frequently reflects [TS]

00:40:23   the aspirations about the future and the [TS]

00:40:27   memories of the past of the parent and I [TS]

00:40:30   think you're saying well my mom [TS]

00:40:34   traditionally filled our stockings with [TS]

00:40:37   walnuts and oranges oh that's so nice [TS]

00:40:43   and then at the very top of the stocking [TS]

00:40:45   there were a couple of what you would [TS]

00:40:46   normally call stocking stuffers but [TS]

00:40:48   mostly it was walnuts where you would [TS]

00:40:52   then have a nutcracker [TS]

00:40:53   and you would sit during Christmas and [TS]

00:40:56   crack walnuts which none of us liked [TS]

00:40:59   like the only one in the whole house [TS]

00:41:02   that liked walnuts was my mom because [TS]

00:41:05   it's such an old old person some hard [TS]

00:41:10   candies polishes off for you oh and like [TS]

00:41:17   fill verts and stuff like so now when [TS]

00:41:26   it's Christmas time and I'm filling [TS]

00:41:29   stockings now believe me I am NOT [TS]

00:41:31   like recapitulating this problem by [TS]

00:41:34   filling her stocking with filbert's but [TS]

00:41:37   my mom arrives and she's got her like [TS]

00:41:41   her nuts from 1820 she's like you know [TS]

00:41:48   let's get these nuts into those [TS]

00:41:49   stockings nation you know like I was a [TS]

00:41:53   kid that was already wearing Dickensian [TS]

00:41:56   clothes like I I could at least get get [TS]

00:42:00   close to the idea that we would put [TS]

00:42:03   another charcoal on the fire and Scrooge [TS]

00:42:05   would get mad but she is my kid is so [TS]

00:42:09   far away from a filbert this but there [TS]

00:42:12   they are in the stocking she just looks [TS]

00:42:14   at him like I think they're dried pieces [TS]

00:42:17   of shit which is what they look like [TS]

00:42:18   yeah so there are some Christmas [TS]

00:42:22   traditions yeah I did want to talk about [TS]

00:42:24   this don't tell me you're weird we can [TS]

00:42:26   tell me your normal ones but I'd love to [TS]

00:42:27   hear do you have any weird holiday [TS]

00:42:30   especially Christmas traditions in your [TS]

00:42:32   family well there are some good ones [TS]

00:42:36   that the top Christmas tradition in my [TS]

00:42:39   estimation is that it's the one day a [TS]

00:42:41   year that my mom will make me Welsh [TS]

00:42:45   rarebit cheesy toast [TS]

00:42:48   cheesy toast but we put ham we put a [TS]

00:42:52   slice of ham on it all sounds yummy it's [TS]

00:42:57   homemade biscuits and then you take the [TS]

00:43:00   biscuits and you cut them in half like [TS]

00:43:01   you do with a biscuit but you lay the [TS]

00:43:03   biscuits out on the plate and then you [TS]

00:43:06   cover the biscuits with ham and then you [TS]

00:43:08   cover the whole thing with cheese sauce [TS]

00:43:10   oh that sounds so good [TS]

00:43:12   and if you're crazy used to have a [TS]

00:43:15   version of that when I was a kid they [TS]

00:43:17   did that's right we always had a [TS]

00:43:19   homemade real Welsh rarebit if you're [TS]

00:43:21   crazy you can put a fried egg on top of [TS]

00:43:24   the ham shit on and then cover the whole [TS]

00:43:26   thing with cheese sauce and this is a [TS]

00:43:29   meal right they you could make this meal [TS]

00:43:33   every morning you can make this meal 250 [TS]

00:43:37   times a year on the continuum of special [TS]

00:43:40   foods foods that's on the very that's [TS]

00:43:44   pretty I mean love leaving out filbert's [TS]

00:43:46   that is a that is a fairly not difficult [TS]

00:43:50   meal to make it's not that hard to treat [TS]

00:43:53   but she will only make it on Christmas [TS]

00:43:57   morning it's the only time I've ever [TS]

00:43:59   seen it in my life but I have it every [TS]

00:44:03   Christmas and I think I'm the only one [TS]

00:44:06   that likes it Wow who-who the hell what [TS]

00:44:09   the hell kid wants Welsh rarebit it's [TS]

00:44:12   like one more Dickensian weird and she [TS]

00:44:15   puts a little tiny little bit of mustard [TS]

00:44:18   in the cheese sauce mmm it's like a [TS]

00:44:20   crazy thing to fetishize she's lawyer [TS]

00:44:24   you that's so nice yeah I look forward [TS]

00:44:26   to Welsh rarebit every Christmas morning [TS]

00:44:28   and she and she makes it you know and [TS]

00:44:31   it's not a thing where I have to say [TS]

00:44:32   like it's Christmas gonna get the world [TS]

00:44:35   remember it just shows up on Christmas [TS]

00:44:37   morning she knows that that is Christmas [TS]

00:44:39   meal and it's not like we have a roast [TS]

00:44:43   or a turkey or a ham or anything on [TS]

00:44:45   Christmas dinner it is the Christmas [TS]

00:44:47   meal right that's not so good I love [TS]

00:44:51   these things and I love that it's like [TS]

00:44:53   you know really to your point though [TS]

00:44:55   about starting to have birthday thing [TS]

00:44:56   that starts out as this casual thing [TS]

00:44:58   it's interesting how many of these kinds [TS]

00:44:59   of things start as a a mistake or a lark [TS]

00:45:03   or as some kind of like an accident and [TS]

00:45:05   then that becomes part of the that [TS]

00:45:07   becomes some of my favorite rituals are [TS]

00:45:09   the things that started out as a stupid [TS]

00:45:10   thing yeah I think one of our rituals is [TS]

00:45:13   on Easter when we have the Easter egg [TS]

00:45:15   hunt then we go in and we are like post [TS]

00:45:19   Easter egg hunt and then we go out and [TS]

00:45:20   we hide all the Easter eggs again like [TS]

00:45:23   like then and then the child or the [TS]

00:45:27   children are also in involved in the [TS]

00:45:31   Easter Egg hiding then so then they get [TS]

00:45:35   to go out and hide all their eggs again [TS]

00:45:36   and then all afternoon on Easter we just [TS]

00:45:42   hide and then find and then hide again [TS]

00:45:45   we just are hiding eggs aw laughter you [TS]

00:45:47   have so many simple pleasures in your [TS]

00:45:49   life it's a very small thing but every [TS]

00:45:52   kid they don't just want to find the [TS]

00:45:55   eggs they want [TS]

00:45:56   then go mr. bunny themselves I like that [TS]

00:45:59   my daughter's my daughter's Welsh [TS]

00:46:02   rarebit is she's allowed to have Lucky [TS]

00:46:04   Charms [TS]

00:46:05   once a year which is on her birthday no [TS]

00:46:08   that's amazing [TS]

00:46:10   yeah well there's this thing I picked [TS]

00:46:11   the based of a friend I used to work [TS]

00:46:12   with in Florida it's this wonderful [TS]

00:46:13   woman named Tracy who loved her cats and [TS]

00:46:16   she she loved her cats so much she had [TS]

00:46:18   something called Jubilee Jubilee week [TS]

00:46:25   and Jubilee week is the one week to [TS]

00:46:28   celebrate what she has decided are the [TS]

00:46:30   cats they're rescues but the two cats [TS]

00:46:32   that she's decided it's their birthday [TS]

00:46:33   and so every night she she and her [TS]

00:46:36   boyfriend would have like special events [TS]

00:46:37   for the cats and I thought it was I [TS]

00:46:40   first thought that was a little unusual [TS]

00:46:41   but that's a great I thought that's a [TS]

00:46:43   great idea I love the idea of Jubilee [TS]

00:46:45   so now somehow at some point Jubilee [TS]

00:46:48   became introduced as a concept in our [TS]

00:46:50   household that now has been heavily [TS]

00:46:53   exploited and abused to me Oh [TS]

00:46:59   coming up it's Jubilee you can stay up a [TS]

00:47:01   little bit later you know Jubilee is [TS]

00:47:06   like it's not just that we're [TS]

00:47:08   celebrating the coronation of the Queen [TS]

00:47:09   it's like an entire like you know it's [TS]

00:47:13   not an annus but it's at least like a [TS]

00:47:15   week of specialists about celebration so [TS]

00:47:17   so technically like at the beginning of [TS]

00:47:19   birthday Jubilee week she gets to go [TS]

00:47:22   through like a box of Lucky Charms but [TS]

00:47:23   you just started out simply enough as no [TS]

00:47:26   you can't have this garbage cereal ever [TS]

00:47:27   but then it became alright you may have [TS]

00:47:29   it on your birthday and now it kind of [TS]

00:47:31   squeaks through through a lot of [TS]

00:47:32   birthday Jubilee week Wow but we don't [TS]

00:47:34   get it again my daughter's mother [TS]

00:47:36   believes that she that there is such a [TS]

00:47:38   thing first of all as a birthday month [TS]

00:47:41   [Music] [TS]

00:47:44   this is how we get into this half [TS]

00:47:47   birthday thing but I'm talking about she [TS]

00:47:49   believes there's a birthday month for [TS]

00:47:50   her this isn't for children this is like [TS]

00:47:53   it's my birthday month so therefore [TS]

00:47:56   that's a form of Jubilee I think that's [TS]

00:47:58   very much a form of Jubilee well it is [TS]

00:48:00   except I don't endorse it I'm like [TS]

00:48:02   you're right except you're a full grown [TS]

00:48:06   what do you mean like like you get to do [TS]

00:48:09   this because it's your birthday month [TS]

00:48:11   but she's this is this is something that [TS]

00:48:13   her mother probably started with her [TS]

00:48:15   back in this 1970s and she still firmly [TS]

00:48:18   believes that there's but certainly [TS]

00:48:20   there's a birthday week mm-hmm on her [TS]

00:48:23   you know during her birthday week it's [TS]

00:48:24   just that's not negotiable no no no a [TS]

00:48:28   birthday month I dig my heels in but [TS]

00:48:31   birthday week I just have to I have to [TS]

00:48:33   wake up in the morning and I have to put [TS]

00:48:35   my what can I do for you hat on and then [TS]

00:48:37   it's just like I walk around with this [TS]

00:48:40   hat with a big like oh the big 3x5 card [TS]

00:48:43   in it that just says what can I do [TS]

00:48:44   [Music] [TS]

00:48:46   that's one of those times when you know [TS]

00:48:49   there's that dumb thing men do one of [TS]

00:48:51   the many things dumb things men do and I [TS]

00:48:54   have tried so hard to stop doing this [TS]

00:48:56   because this is maybe the worst is the [TS]

00:48:59   whole like oh do you want me to do the [TS]

00:49:00   dishes like you do what should already [TS]

00:49:05   be a chore for me well yeah yeah yeah [TS]

00:49:08   yeah oh my god you uh you want me to uh [TS]

00:49:10   take the recycling down I'm like what's [TS]

00:49:13   she gonna say oh god no please don't [TS]

00:49:15   inconvenience yourself by doing the [TS]

00:49:16   thing that's already your job but no no [TS]

00:49:18   no it gets much worse than that cuz it's [TS]

00:49:20   so much smaller and dumber than that [TS]

00:49:22   which is like I want to be acknowledged [TS]

00:49:24   I want to be acknowledged for doing this [TS]

00:49:26   thing I'm supposed to do anyway don't [TS]

00:49:28   ask I'm just guessing when it's what can [TS]

00:49:32   I do for you hat week like you never [TS]

00:49:34   want to say something like you know oh [TS]

00:49:36   do you want me to pick up my socks you [TS]

00:49:38   just need to be picking up socks well [TS]

00:49:40   fortunately you know we don't live [TS]

00:49:42   together so he can always walk out of my [TS]

00:49:45   house and close the door and not have to [TS]

00:49:46   think about where the socks are right [TS]

00:49:49   she doesn't have to be a good host [TS]

00:49:50   though you need to be accommodating [TS]

00:49:52   during that what can I do for you that [TS]

00:49:53   week well during what can I do for you [TS]

00:49:56   week there is never any question time [TS]

00:49:58   for me to ask if there if I can do [TS]

00:50:01   something for her because she lets me [TS]

00:50:03   know EE and you know my little girl is [TS]

00:50:07   learning this right it you know right it [TS]

00:50:08   she's there watching she's right at [TS]

00:50:10   there at our heels and so this is all I [TS]

00:50:16   mean this is she said to me the other [TS]

00:50:17   night she's like there's there are not [TS]

00:50:19   enough [TS]

00:50:19   night lights in my room and I said how [TS]

00:50:23   many night lights does one person need [TS]

00:50:25   and she said you know what I know how [TS]

00:50:29   you are about Christmas lights because I [TS]

00:50:31   am oh I am a certain way about Christmas [TS]

00:50:33   lights what feelings I do I feel like a [TS]

00:50:38   I love Christmas lights ok good good [TS]

00:50:41   good did they need to be a certain color [TS]

00:50:43   do they need to yes or no blink do you [TS]

00:50:46   have strong feelings about what kind do [TS]

00:50:47   you need big lights versus little fairy [TS]

00:50:48   lights do have strong feelings about [TS]

00:50:50   that because there are people I've [TS]

00:50:51   learned over the years people have [TS]

00:50:52   extremely strong feelings about [TS]

00:50:53   Christmas lights I am one of these [TS]

00:50:55   people okay [TS]

00:50:56   I believe that you should decorate your [TS]

00:50:58   outside of your house in like white but [TS]

00:51:05   I don't mean clear I mean white [TS]

00:51:06   Christmas lights and I do not believe in [TS]

00:51:09   LED Christmas lights interesting they [TS]

00:51:12   have to be traditional Christmas lights [TS]

00:51:14   should they be the ball be bulb butt [TS]

00:51:16   plug type you don't want those little [TS]

00:51:17   one so you want those little guys not [TS]

00:51:19   well both so I used the Bowlby butt [TS]

00:51:21   plugs [TS]

00:51:22   you know like c9 size or c7 whichever is [TS]

00:51:26   the larger of the two I have both kinds [TS]

00:51:29   okay I put them around I decorate the [TS]

00:51:33   entire what you would call the the the [TS]

00:51:40   the roof edge okay of my house in large [TS]

00:51:45   white Christmas lights okay like so I so [TS]

00:51:49   basically my guests are yeah I outlined [TS]

00:51:52   the sketch of the house okay with with [TS]

00:51:56   large white crisp I'm seeing that I'm [TS]

00:51:57   liking that [TS]

00:51:58   okay and then defines a nice clear line [TS]

00:52:02   yes exactly and you have to make them [TS]

00:52:05   straight there those are not droopy [TS]

00:52:06   those are like those are taught and then [TS]

00:52:09   they're soldiers and then the little [TS]

00:52:11   Christmas lights which are not blinking [TS]

00:52:14   bushes which is the trees bushes and [TS]

00:52:17   trees bushes and trees because you can [TS]

00:52:18   also disguise them as many ways to weave [TS]

00:52:21   the fairy lights into the foliage in a [TS]

00:52:24   way that can look very natural and [TS]

00:52:25   lovely right so the the big ones that [TS]

00:52:28   are on the outside of the house have [TS]

00:52:29   white [TS]

00:52:30   strands because it's a white I have a [TS]

00:52:32   white house okay but the ones that go in [TS]

00:52:34   bushes and trees have green strands [TS]

00:52:36   because they're okay hiding in bushes [TS]

00:52:39   and trees yes and then there are lights [TS]

00:52:42   that go again now these are white strand [TS]

00:52:45   lights they go along the white picket [TS]

00:52:46   fence very clean look it's very nice and [TS]

00:52:53   it goes up over the Arbor which I erect [TS]

00:52:56   at the front gate only at this time of [TS]

00:52:59   year and then along the remaining [TS]

00:53:01   remainder of the white picket fence and [TS]

00:53:04   then the giant blue spruce that is in [TS]

00:53:07   the front yard gets decorated with [TS]

00:53:10   colored c9 lights large bulbous lights [TS]

00:53:15   but it has a Christmas style tree it [TS]

00:53:19   does I like that you're not just [TS]

00:53:21   slathering stuff everywhere you you've [TS]

00:53:23   got you've got thought you've got a [TS]

00:53:24   persuasive theory for all of this I do [TS]

00:53:26   and the large colored lights because a [TS]

00:53:29   blue spruce is the finest of all [TS]

00:53:32   Christmas trees and in fact there are [TS]

00:53:34   evil evil evil people in this world [TS]

00:53:38   Oh Gor because the blue spruce is a kind [TS]

00:53:41   of native Northwest tree and they will [TS]

00:53:43   go around and someone will have a giant [TS]

00:53:45   blue spruce in their front yard don't [TS]

00:53:47   say this and you're gonna break my heart [TS]

00:53:51   they climb on the roof of their truck [TS]

00:53:54   and they just cut off the top six feet [TS]

00:53:56   of your blue spruce [TS]

00:53:57   that is so unamerican it's the awfulest [TS]

00:54:02   and then the rest of your life because a [TS]

00:54:04   blue spruce will live 200 years then [TS]

00:54:06   you've got this blue spruce that doesn't [TS]

00:54:08   have a top tail to stir your drink [TS]

00:54:13   something [TS]

00:54:14   it's zonkers because you know a proper [TS]

00:54:17   blue spruce Christmas tree like that's [TS]

00:54:19   not a thing that you're just gonna get [TS]

00:54:21   at the store that's like a nice thing [TS]

00:54:23   blue spruce are beautiful they're blue [TS]

00:54:26   anyway so green they're blue like [TS]

00:54:30   Kentucky ARS yeah they're like blue and [TS]

00:54:33   they have this kind of white not fuzz [TS]

00:54:37   but they have this whiteness to their [TS]

00:54:38   blue they're wonderful trees but so I [TS]

00:54:41   had my blue spruces tall enough that I [TS]

00:54:44   had [TS]

00:54:44   to get on top of a ladder where I was [TS]

00:54:46   like eeky eeky eeky and then take the [TS]

00:54:49   big colored lights put them on the end [TS]

00:54:51   of a long broom and put the broom up to [TS]

00:54:56   wrap the lights around the top of the [TS]

00:54:58   tree you're saving a lot like the first [TS]

00:55:01   10 seconds of a commercial and cable TV [TS]

00:55:05   the part that's in black and white about [TS]

00:55:07   how many times has this happen to you [TS]

00:55:10   that's a little dangerous buddy and [TS]

00:55:13   they're like yeah and then it's a it's a [TS]

00:55:15   it's an infomercial for like Christmas [TS]

00:55:17   tree lighter pole or Christmas tree [TS]

00:55:19   lights Christmas tree lighting poles [TS]

00:55:21   only 3995 and you can get a second one [TS]

00:55:22   just pass up her feet yeah you get a [TS]

00:55:24   second one for shipping and handle yeah [TS]

00:55:26   and okay so here's my second strong [TS]

00:55:30   feelings about Christmas lights you [TS]

00:55:31   cannot have a Christmas tree with [TS]

00:55:35   colored lights that you illuminate all [TS]

00:55:38   year you cannot have a fence line that [TS]

00:55:42   has Christmas lights on it all year nor [TS]

00:55:45   can you have bushes but you should have [TS]

00:55:49   your house outlined in giant white [TS]

00:55:52   lights all year long oh yes so I have [TS]

00:55:57   mine set on I used to have it set on a [TS]

00:56:00   timer which over the course of the year [TS]

00:56:02   I had to keep adjusting because it got [TS]

00:56:03   dark earlier in winter and then light [TS]

00:56:06   you know like in the summer time I had [TS]

00:56:08   it set so the lights didn't come on till [TS]

00:56:10   10 p.m. right right right [TS]

00:56:12   and they went off at 5 a.m. and now the [TS]

00:56:14   lights come on at like 4:00 in the [TS]

00:56:16   afternoon because I switched out the [TS]

00:56:20   timer for a photosensitive box lots more [TS]

00:56:26   so it automatically comes on at dusk we [TS]

00:56:29   use an Internet Internet of Things [TS]

00:56:31   related service Dinges where I say turn [TS]

00:56:34   on the Christmas lights a half hour [TS]

00:56:36   before sunset well so my new my new [TS]

00:56:41   light sensor has an app and if if I want [TS]

00:56:48   I can turn the Christmas lights on from [TS]

00:56:50   Uzbekistan well I have yet I don't I [TS]

00:56:54   don't need it because it also turns on [TS]

00:56:56   at dusk and that's when I would [TS]

00:56:57   turn it on if I was in news Beca Stan it [TS]

00:57:01   doesn't change no but so I so I believe [TS]

00:57:04   in I believe in light as a decoration [TS]

00:57:07   and you know my house is kind of famous [TS]

00:57:09   in the neighborhood because it's this [TS]

00:57:11   big white house that has beautiful [TS]

00:57:13   lights on it all year but then at [TS]

00:57:15   Christmas time what about um what about [TS]

00:57:22   blinking what about turning on and off [TS]

00:57:26   are you some people are very against [TS]

00:57:28   lights that blink at all [TS]

00:57:29   some people like lights that are like [TS]

00:57:31   tick-tock tick-tock on-off some people [TS]

00:57:33   like to that blooming look of lights [TS]

00:57:35   I've had I know this is not as strong an [TS]

00:57:37   opinion as white versus colored excuse [TS]

00:57:39   me african-american lights what what [TS]

00:57:42   what's your feeling on the blinking or [TS]

00:57:44   on/off status of lights [TS]

00:57:45   obviously the nose it sounds like the [TS]

00:57:47   ones around your house that would be [TS]

00:57:48   really garish yeah no no you'd look like [TS]

00:57:52   a casino you look like a riverboat [TS]

00:57:54   casino but uh what I was young my mom [TS]

00:58:00   and I had a tradition which was after [TS]

00:58:03   Susan went to bed my mom and I would sit [TS]

00:58:09   in the living room with all the lights [TS]

00:58:10   out and what and look at our tree eatin [TS]

00:58:14   sill Burt's eatin filbert's and looking [TS]

00:58:17   at our tree and this was a special thing [TS]

00:58:18   because I was eight and Susan was sick [TS]

00:58:21   and so Susan had to go to bed but then I [TS]

00:58:25   could sit with mom in the dark and look [TS]

00:58:27   at the tree and the tree had probably [TS]

00:58:31   two strands of lights that didn't blink [TS]

00:58:33   and two strands of lights that did blink [TS]

00:58:37   but not on any kind of pattern random [TS]

00:58:39   blinking that's important you gotta say [TS]

00:58:41   I always feel like if your no matter [TS]

00:58:42   what you're doing with light so I might [TS]

00:58:43   lady disagrees on this I think you [TS]

00:58:44   started the mill you start near the [TS]

00:58:46   trunk and you thread through any way [TS]

00:58:48   that you would not be able to detect any [TS]

00:58:49   lines to where the lights are no line [TS]

00:58:52   some people like that some people like [TS]

00:58:54   that Christmas present style Drupa Drupa [TS]

00:58:57   Drupa some people really like that look [TS]

00:58:59   especially with the classic butt plug [TS]

00:59:02   like like blue red and orange lights [TS]

00:59:03   they like that look oh that it's sort of [TS]

00:59:05   just like drapey around the plugs yeah [TS]

00:59:09   exactly I don't [TS]

00:59:10   that I want I want it you got to spend [TS]

00:59:12   some time you got to twist it around it [TS]

00:59:14   has to look like there are little [TS]

00:59:16   fairies in the tree that's a nice memory [TS]

00:59:18   yeah so we would sit and then as Susan [TS]

00:59:21   got older than the three of us would sit [TS]

00:59:23   and watch the tree blink and this was [TS]

00:59:26   back when Christmas was spooky still [TS]

00:59:30   because at least we did not spend any [TS]

00:59:35   time during the year thinking about the [TS]

00:59:37   baby Jesus we did not spend any time [TS]

00:59:40   during the year thinking about the three [TS]

00:59:41   wise men or the manger or any of that [TS]

00:59:45   stuff that's not a thing that we would [TS]

00:59:48   think about in July but then right [TS]

00:59:50   around Christmastime you're thinking [TS]

00:59:52   about the the Gift of the Magi and the [TS]

00:59:56   and the camels and [TS]